Transcript
Speaker: I have really begun to live the life of. If I say I'm going to do a thing. I'm gonna do that thing. And if you're going to say you're going to do that thing. You better do that thing.
Speaker: Because I don't have time for... Oh, yeah, that sounds great. And then no follow -ups. I'm 39, babies. I don't have time for that shit, right?
Speaker: Well, hey there, sweet peas. Welcome back to Friendless. I'm your host, James Avramenko, and it is my birthday. Or... It's around my birthday. I'm not sure when this episode's coming out, but this week I am turning...
Speaker: Thirty nine. 39 years young. ah And I thought I would i would mark the occasion. with a special Retrospective episode of of Friendless. You know, I've been reflecting um slightly. on on aging, getting older. you know? Mostly I've been paralyzed by the fear that all the dreams I had of accomplishing have long passed me by I never took the shot I didn't even realize I had the opportunity to to take
Speaker: And I'm going to die. a broken Broke. Anonymous failure. but ah So I've been really fun at the parties that I'm not getting invited to.
Speaker: but ah Uh, but it'll, it'll let us see. Um, um. Yeah, but ah it's been it's been a time of reflection, time of consideration. And I thought what I would do is I do a very special.
Speaker: Q and &A. episode in the ever make a household. We like to celebrate not just a birthday. But a birth week. Sometimes if ifre we're feeling real generous, we might celebrate a birth month.
Speaker: And hey. since it's 39, a very, very important year. The end of an era. If I'm being feeling real spicy. I might even decide to let myself celebrate a birth year.
Speaker: ah But we'll see. We'll see. To kick all things off. ah I asked ah ah some some friends over the last couple of weeks, I've been asking um for suggestions around questions about the show. about you know where it's been, where it's going, what I'm about.
Speaker: what I've been thinking about. These kinds of things. um And I have boiled them down to 39 questions to celebrate. Peace. 39. Glorious years on Earth. that I've had.
Speaker: I don't know if I'll hit them all. We'll see how it all goes. but I have a potential to hit. 39. Plus. questions, but we'll see. how I'm feeling. but But, yeah, let's get. to it.
Speaker: So... The first question is... What was? Friendless supposed to be. When? You started. And this is the story i i've I've told.
Speaker: In various forms throughout the years, but I'll always take the opportunity to talk about myself and the history of the show. and and what it's kind of evolved into. You know, originally it was kind of a joke, right? The the initial impulse.
Speaker: And the initial kind of gimmick of the show was, I just really wanted... to Start a podcast. And at the time, most podcasts were interview shows, unless it was. Serial, but I wasn't gonna be doing that so I had no way of getting.
Speaker: Popular. famous guests. So instead I decided to figure out a way to interview my friends. At the same time too, This was in the era, you know, this is seven, eight years ago. This is the era when...
Speaker: People were still making like big. dramatic, declarative statements that they were leaving Facebook. And... Sayonara world. If you want me, I'll be out in the real world, you know? And then of course, inevitably they would be back on the platform a week later.
Speaker: because we are all victims of these addictive, weaponized social media tools. And I, I... I've... Hate. social media with a burning passion. i'm a deeply addicted to it and as with most things that i do with my day i loathe it um And so I came up with this idea of.
Speaker: What if I kind of married those different things together, you know A way to interview my friends. a way to somehow get off of Facebook. And so I would initially I would interview. People from my Facebook.
Speaker: And we would discuss friendship. and our friendship and what it means to be a friend and all those kinds of things. Then at the end of the interview, we would unfriend. Hence, the initial naming of the show, Friendless.
Speaker: What I realized over the years, though, is that This was... a deeper exploration than just that kind of gimmick. It was more of a show about.
Speaker: Feeling lonely. whether or not you actually are or aren't. I had someone. once described me as the loneliest person they had ever met. And to this day, I can't decide if that was a very loving.
Speaker: Or... Mmm. mean -spirited observation, but... With the mental health journey I've been on over the years, there have been times where I've considered myself a very bad friend. There has been ah there have been times where I've considered...
Speaker: Everyone else in the world a bad friend. right And so the show itself has become more of an explanation of. Why do we feel lonely and what are some ways we can kind of work our way?
Speaker: through those feelings and parse out what's real and what's not. And from there, How can we? Build out. a a support system and a community.
Speaker: in order to Not. Let those. Louder moments of loneliness. Slip in. Which leads into the next question. Which episode would you delete? Honestly, I have deleted many. the If you look in the back catalog, you can't find the first you know two or three seasons of the show. and
Speaker: That's on purpose. If anything, you know, for a variety of reasons, a lot of... low quality stuff i was still figuring out how to record i was using some Pretty shoddy equipment.
Speaker: Also just some of the guests. I didn't want... commemorated on my feed anymore. So, so yeah, already have. And. Wood. Do again if need be. Currently.
Speaker: As far as I remember. Everything that is still up on the feed right now are are things that I would like to stay up on the feed. Next. Which guest have you thought about the most since they... left.
Speaker: And that. is up. uh, very Targeted question. One of the things that I have become eternally grateful in doing this show over the years is is is realizing What a gift I have created for myself.
Speaker: And what a gift I have been trying to give. to all of my guests. Because, you know, I don't. Enjoy. Small talk, all that much. I i really like. to go
Speaker: And, you know, and this isn't like, oh, small talk bores me, small talk for small minds. Like, no, like like small talk small talk has its place. It's just that I personally struggle with it. i find very I find myself feeling very awkward, feeling very out of place. uncertain if I'm saying the right thing or, you know, so I like to Kind of let my brain go where it goes. And it just so happens that my brain can can make some pretty. Fun.
Speaker: And interesting connections. and and Big leaps. And. That creates an opportunity to discuss. Certain topics that that. I think a lot of us.
Speaker: Think about. and A lot of us have. perspectives and opinions and experiences with, but we're not always given the opportunity to discuss them. It's hard for me to point out, like...
Speaker: this one single guest or this one single episode or anything like that so much as reflect on the gratitude I have for past James. and And the...
Speaker: The... the Whole wealth of guests that I've had throughout the years who have allowed for that kind of experimentation and have allowed for for us to just kind of play for an hour you know Something I've always kind of seen it as is this idea of.
Speaker: Especially when reconnecting with with old friends, people I haven't spoken to in a long time, you know. With my more recent guests, obviously we don't. always have the history that that some of my older guests had. but The way i I would consider it is this idea of, you know,
Speaker: a lot of the times we haven't spoken in years and so Either... This hour we spend together. will be this beautiful kind of rekindling and a reminder of what we love about each other. And I've had that experience several times, you know.
Speaker: I think about someone like Keira Daniels, who I hadn't spoken to in years. And then... She came on my show, and ever since then, we've been absolute besties. Talk all the time. See each other as often as we can.
Speaker: It's because of this show that I rekindled a very deep and meaningful friendship in my life. At the same time, too, there's been lots of guests where. With no malice, with no ill intention.
Speaker: We're going to basically have one last hour in our lives and it's going to be a. Fucking great hour. And that's kind of the gift that that this show has. been giving out is the idea of Either it's going to rekindle a friendship or. It's going to make sure the last hour we spend together. It's fucking awesome.
Speaker: End, end. you know gentle, and exploratory and curious and fun and funny and all those. Great things, you know, all the things. I think we kind of wish.
Speaker: We could. Guarantee. in life, that that that we get the opportunity to to say the things we we wish we had said. So, yeah, so I yeah, i'm I'm hesitant to say like one guest out. You know, have I thought about specific guests? Absolutely.
Speaker: i've ah You know, I've thought about... Tork Campbell, the lead singer of one of my favorite bands, but probably my favorite band of all time, Stars. and and how He called me his friend. on the episode of course then you know i went to see a show and he didn't remember me at all and and that's fine that's fine no you you know he didn't big time me i totally get it but you know Have I thought about certain guests, you know? I've thought about people like. Dean Spade. Jessica Fern.
Speaker: You know, these authors who have like. Fundamentally altered. the way I show up in my life, the way I show up in my relationships. A very recent episode, Elder Larry Grant, you know.
Speaker: Google. what a magic hour that was to to meet him and to speak with him. so Yeah, you know, it's one of those things where where I try really hard not to like. Pick favorites because it's not really about that. And and my ADHD brain is so often it's like.
Speaker: The most recent thing is like, well, that was the best episode I've ever done. Oh, wait, no, that was the best episode I've ever done. You know, like my interview with Leandra just last week, I was like, that's the best interview I've ever had. right like It's just it's definitely my brain is wired for a recency bias. so So, yeah, it's tough to pick kind of like the one.
Speaker: What do you actually get out of making this? And that's, ah you know, I think I've already scratched on that is this idea of I've realized throughout the years. Someone described the show as me doing freelance sociology.
Speaker: And I really love that description. And that's really stuck with me. But it's also become deeper. it's It's become a way for me to discover myself. It's become a way for me to discover.
Speaker: facets of the people in my life I probably never would have had the chance to to observe or or experience. It's allowed me to... to hear stories from people who I love.
Speaker: that I might not have ever had the chance to hear. For me. What I get out of it is, in a lot of ways, something new every time. because it's an opportunity to explore. and just be curious and see what happens. And I find that. when we Face.
Speaker: each other with curiosity. Um... And, and... you know i've i've talked in the past about this idea of the difference between kind of like empathy and sympathy?
Speaker: But I think when we turn to each other with empathy. and we allow each other to share their experience and their perspectives. without initial Judgment?
Speaker: It opens each, it it opens us up and it opens us up to potential deeper connections. Obviously, that comes with a lot of nuance. You know. but But I think that that's a philosophy that I've developed throughout the years on doing the show that that keeps getting practiced.
Speaker: because of it. Has the show ever made you a worse friend? Probably. I think a lot of The time. As with most social media, as with most kind of...
Speaker: creative outlets like this, I think there is a... level of parasocial interaction. i think that there is from from my perspective there has been a lot of assumption that people know what's going on in my life because I've talked about it on the show.
Speaker: The thing is that like... Most of my friends aren't listening to the show. you know And I get it, right? like like They get enough of me. when we hang out. you know but but but But like.
Speaker: Hasn't made me a worse friend yet. I have to assume. Because I've told stories on here that I thought, well now that I've told it there, everybody will know about it. I think that's created a lot of assumptions. You know...
Speaker: The past. Five years? Four years? have been pretty up and down for me, right? There's been a lot of chaos and I've made a lot of chaotic choices and I have lived a lot of those chaotic choices in public.
Speaker: I have been very confident. about where I was in life only to have it. be revealed that I was somewhere very different. I don't know if I would personally frame it as better or worse i think it has made me a much more interesting friend But it is also.
Speaker: At the same time... Maybe. I think maybe from an outside perspective, it could be seen as worse but because it has made me a much more aggressively. choosy friend. I don't suffer.
Speaker: Halfway. you know, halfway friends. I have really begun to live. the life of... If I say I'm going to do a thing. I'm gonna do that thing. And if you're going to say you're going to do that thing.
Speaker: You better do that thing. Because I don't have time for... Oh yeah, that sounds great. And then no follow -ups. Right. I'm 39, babies. I don't have time for that shit. Right. and And so. I think it's made me a much more discerning friend. And I think from the outside that can maybe.
Speaker: Make me look like a bit of a dickhead? that can probably make me look a little bit rigid at times, but it's just, you know, I. I don't have time for excuses of capacity.
Speaker: Right?
Speaker: What's the question you ask everyone that you are sick of asking? Um... What does it mean to be a friend? I think I think.
Speaker: I'm, right now, I'm... i'm I'm trying to... Find new. Directions to go. in conversations and in interviews and and i think Where the show has been in questioning friendship.
Speaker: has grown. And morphed. into more questions of community and connection. The problem with that is that that's like. the number one topic in podcasts these days. So it's it's become much harder to stand out.
Speaker: Without the gimmick of... the Unfriending stuff. Um... So I don't know if I would say I'm sick of asking the question, but I would definitely say. I'm not asking the most effective questions to. Stand out.
Speaker: in the crowd. Even though I know I'm putting out some good shit, there's very low discoverability in podcasting. So I think it's more. I'm trying to find the more effective question
Speaker: If Friendless ended next Tuesday. Would part of you be relieved? Oh. 100%. I don't think people realize how much work goes into a single episode between the sketching. and the mapping and the planning if it's an interview It's maybe reading somebody's book. Maybe it's researching them. Then it's drafting the questions.
Speaker: then it's the recording, it's then it's... editing, then it's the promotion, and on and on and on. So would I believe? Absolutely. I would also be so fucking sad.
Speaker: um When I go on hiatuses, when I go on breaks, I get. Sadder. without this show. So, so like, yeah, would it, would it. Free up some time in my day, sure, but... I think that relief would be very short -lived.
Speaker: Uh, let's see. So who's the last new friend you made and how did it happen? Funny enough, I think it's actually. The most recent? guest lianda lianda guillet there's there's kind of a few people in in her kind of crew that I have met through Boom Pro Wrestling, the greatest pro wrestling show on earth, live.
Speaker: at the Legion in Vancouver. Every last every last Saturday of the month. Best show in the world. but there's a i've met a a crew of people who go there. and then kind of their extended friends And I've just been kind of like over the last like year or two been slowly trying to like. creep my way closer you know and like every show i'm like a little more like Hi, maybe we could hang out sometime. Oh, hey, maybe if I set up a thing, maybe would you want to come to it? And then, you know, like I've been like, would you like to come to my birthday party? yeah
Speaker: yeah and so So it's just, you know, it's that it's that yeah i've I've been playing the long game. You know, that's one thing, you know, talk about. lessons I've learned about being a friend. One thing I have learned. from doing the show is that you cannot.
Speaker: Force. A friendship. I remember a couple of years ago I was like, God, I'm so jealous of these people who have these like 10 year friends. And it's like, yeah, because they spent 10 years becoming friends. they didn't just show up and know each other right and so I've had to really pump the brakes and just like allow things to really, really naturally progress. And and it's been great.
Speaker: um Let's see where we at. Who do you miss that you feel you're not entitled to miss? God damn. Who ever fucking asked that? Fuck you. but but but but I think you are entitled to miss anyone you want.
Speaker: I think. The question comes in. More about Why? Do you miss them? And what? should you do about that?
Speaker: You know, I think often about Former friends? I think about X's. You know, and and people who... realisistic Realistically, pragmatically speaking, I'm very glad aren't in my life. And that's not with no malice. And that's no, you know, like it's just it's a good thing that they're not in my life. And it's a good thing that I'm not in their life.
Speaker: Right? This is why people break up, because they are not a good match. Right? But... You still have moments of tenderness. You know, you still have moments of like, oh, yeah, but there were good stuff. It's just it's remembering the balance because sometimes.
Speaker: You are remembering the good stuff. Because you're in an abuse cycle? And then sometimes you're remembering the good stuff because, you know, there was good stuff and it's okay. with a distance to Remember that.
Speaker: And. and celebrate that. and Still not called them. Right. duoo I'm not gonna talk about ending friendships.
Speaker: Sorry. What is the longest you have gone without saying anything true? Out loud. Fuck.
Speaker: Oh, God. You know, I think I try. When I was a kid... I was a compulsive liar. About really, like, dumb shit.
Speaker: Stuff I didn't need. to lie about but for some reason when I was like I remember just like as a little kid just like lying about stuff just because like it just kind of It was almost like it was like a novelty. It was like I just I kind of could.
Speaker: I know it's connected to... ADHD stuff. I know it's connected to BPD stuff. I don't really. know or care. Because I also got that kind of shamed out of me. All the way up through like probably high school, even into like early university.
Speaker: I was a pretty compulsive liar and, and Funny enough, I'm working on a novel right now. And. A piece. that Inspired. the novel and the story I'm writing was someone In university, basically saying...
Speaker: Everybody knows you are lying, but nobody cares enough to call you out. And I remember just being so like. Oh. a You know? but ah and And from there, I realized that it's it's just so much, it not only is it easier.
Speaker: It's just easier to tell the truth. It's also... um
Speaker: It's more interesting. And I think that. And through all my years, especially in the, I would say in the last, you know, last five. five, six years. It's been one of the things that has been the most.
Speaker: Trebling. And also one of the things that's been the most kind of. activating for me is that the things that have happened haven't needed? To be lied about? um They've been...
Speaker: Crazy enough. It just as as they were And so... it's really important to me to... to do my best to speak as honestly and truly as I can.
Speaker: So how long has it been or how long have I gone, you know? Years. When I was a kid. But. basically since university, I really... I have done everything in my power to not lie.
Speaker: And I've done everything in my power to... to to tell the truth and and and When... It's shown to me that my perspective is off for or whatever, you know. to do everything I can to adjust.
Speaker: and make amends for that. because it's just such an intrinsic element of of of my values. Is loneliness a problem to solve? Or is it a weather system? I'd love. I love, who the fuck came up with that?
Speaker: It's kind of both. Depending on how you perceive it. Because...
Speaker: You know... They used to say that like moods and mental health and stuff is like about sort of like chemical imbalances. They know that that's wrong. It's basically fancy words for, you know. the the humors. But.
Speaker: I think I do equate. these sort of states. Loneliness, depression. but also the other you know kind of... hyper and hypo states. um Manias.
Speaker: These are all kind of... weather systems in in my brain, at least, you know. End. Just like... weather systems they shift and they come around and you know you get el nino End. And it's suddenly real loud in your brain.
Speaker: And you do sometimes just kind of have to ride it out. I... At the same time, the other side of it is that. If I've learned anything through, you know, DBT and my other kind of... therapy is that like Right?
Speaker: It's a very deep... It's a very, very nuanced. thing and it's hard to kind of Tamp down. into specifics, but it's this idea of like... Our moods.
Speaker: and our feelings. are both products of our experiences and also Kind of. products of what we choose to experience you know i'm not i'm not like some fucking stoic who's like oh we decide how we see the world and it's like thanks Thanks. Marcus Aurelius, the king of Rome, you know, but like.
Speaker: It's more about like. It's this idea of like sometimes you decide to take your hands off the wheel. Because it's really... Fucking hard to always be steering. The problem is when you take your hands off the wheel, you lose control.
Speaker: And so... you know You decide to be a little bit of a dick, but what comes out is a chaos goblin. Right? um So, so. This idea of like, is it a problem to be solved? like Yes.
Speaker: But... I think it's less about treating it like a problem. I think if anything, it's the wording is that like. You know, loneliness. is not. in itself a problem.
Speaker: It's Why are you feeling it? And is it loneliness or is it isolation? Do you need to be alone right now? Is that loneliness good? Is it bad? You know, who's perceiving the problem? um um So, so...
Speaker: ah I guess I'm getting pedantic about the language. um I just, yeah, I think I'd be cautious around. framing any emotion as as a problem. so much as you know what What's causing the clouds?
Speaker: And why? Does that make any sense? I don't know Let's see. What did you think 39 would look like? Back at 29. Honestly, dead.
Speaker: Hi. I... Had no intention. of making it to 40. I didn't think I would. especially when i was in my 20s oh my god Um...
Speaker: I was convinced I needed to. leave a very beautiful corpse. But every year. That has passed. And is with every bridge that has burned...
Speaker: In my wake. My desire to live out of pure spite. And out of revenge? Has it grown? Um... But no. Heh.
Speaker: What did I think 39 was gonna be? I don't know. Uh, I... I think... Truthfully, I have a hard time talking about what I thought my life.
Speaker: was going to be... When I was 29, because, you know, I got married. At 29? And I thought. that I was going to have a Very different life and I thought I was marrying someone who it turns out I didn't know at all.
Speaker: The story I was being told was not the story that was being lived. And I was. So... trapped in the lie. That was... kind of built around me.
Speaker: that I didn't. See ya. You know, and it's funny in retrospect, I've spent a lot of time at therapy being like, you know. How did I not see it? How did I not know? how did i not it question it and and you know and my therapist always kind of has to laugh like Well, yeah. well What were you thinking trusting the person who you loved?
Speaker: Right? You know? Wow. How dare you believe the person who who who you married, right? So, you know, I have spent a long ah long time in therapy beating myself up and then an even longer time in therapy.
Speaker: Being. forgiving to myself. So, so yeah, but, but at the same time too, it's still, you know, What did I think? 39 was going to be when I was 29.
Speaker: Fuckin' hell. I'm sure as shit not where I am. How about that?
Speaker: What did you give up on? And was that grief or maturity? What did I give up on? Fuck some of these questions are really hard Jesus Christ
Speaker: My 30s taught me that I'm not. Special.
Speaker: You know, my 20s were like. and I'm a... I'm up. Superstar, and I'm so important. And my 30s were basically just being.
Speaker: consistently knocked down and put in my place and just failing just failing and failing and failing and failing for 10 years. Between the divorce, between some really, really shitty relationships, between...
Speaker: Some rekindling. of addictions and then some quashing of those and between just you know yeah just endless Failures creatively. creative creatively What I gave up on on was this idea that I was.
Speaker: special or destined for anything. And instead, I've just really settled into Just being really content. with just making what I make. And if it reaches...
Speaker: One person. I'm satisfied because I'm happy with what I put in. Is that grief or maturity? I don't know. I just think I just kind of. gave up on The pursuit of.
Speaker: Exceptionalism. And... I've become really comfortable with just being kind of good enough. You know? hu Let's see. ah Which version of yourself from this decade would you least want to be stuck in a car with? Oh, easy peasy. James from mid... 2022?
Speaker: To end of 2023. ah That. you know year, year and a half. Bulls. Whoa. Between being...
Speaker: freshly divorced, and then... jumping into the worst relationship of my life. That wasn't my marriage. just back to back. ah That was my, you know.
Speaker: I've slipped into some... Pretty bad drug use and... alcohol abuse and was just Not in a good brain. and And I woke up from that and I would, yeah, i i i have to I have to thank anyone who knew me in that phase who continues to speak to me because.
Speaker: I sure didn't enjoy that year. And yeah. Alright. What did you do in your 30s that nobody knows about? Very little, I think. I think most of what I did. people are pretty aware of. whether they're Whether it's the real facts or not is anybody's guess, but yeah.
Speaker: I don't think that there's very much that I kept. Either I kept hitting it or... someone from my life. kept it Alright, here's some quickies, and then we're gonna get into the more silly ones.
Speaker: Best meal of the decade. There is a vegan. sushi place just off of Granville Island. it's It's unbelievable. It it was the literally...
Speaker: The best. Just meal. I have had it was. I had been vegan for a couple months up at that point. End. It had... You know, I had...
Speaker: eating good stuff. It's what had convinced me to go vegan, but... Then I went to this place. It's called Kofu. Kofuso sushi and and it was it was unbelievable. It was the best sushi I've ever eaten and it was all. vegan and the best part it was also it was all the cocktails were non -alcoholic so it was literally a little restaurant built for me. A sober vegan. It was magic. Kofu. Go check it out.
Speaker: Uh... Best haircut, worst haircut, best haircut! Recently... I have started going to my guy, Daniel. at, but but bu bu but what is it called, at Belmont Barbers.
Speaker: on Main Street. Daniel. Belmont Barbers. Check them out. He's the best. um i have a funny so So last year was the first time I went to him. I had been going to this other barber on Main Street. They were like a walk -in.
Speaker: But they kind of suck. I won't. throw too much shade because you know it's a small business but like There's just Kind of a... D -Day. I couldn't get in there. So I ran around the corner. I went into Belmont and they took walk -ins and I...
Speaker: Was chatting with Daniel. He was cutting my hair. It was around pride. We were talking about stuff we were going to do for Pride, and it was just so... relieving to have a queer barber And. to not have to kind of butcher.
Speaker: a little bit which is what i used to have to do and we were talking and we were just having such a great time and then he gave me such a good haircut And then I'm paying. And something about, I don't know if it was like... He made like a little gesture with his shoulders or something. But I, my autistic brain took it as like, oh, he's going in for a hug.
Speaker: And I was so excited and so happy that I gave him a big old hug. And then he kind of did this like, oh. Oh, okay. And in my head, I went, oh, fuck. I totally misread that. Oh no.
Speaker: And I was mortified. I run out just like so embarrassed and I don't go back for a year. Even though it was the best haircut I had gotten.
Speaker: My entire time living in Vancouver. But I was just mortified. I was so embarrassed. Until finally, maybe a month ago. I was like, okay, fuck, I need a haircut. I need to go somewhere good. I'm going back to Daniel.
Speaker: And he remembered me. And I was like, yeah, I was the guy who hugged you. And he was like, yeah, I wondered where you went. You were so lovely. And he was so nice. He was so kind. and And I was like, I was mortified. And he's like, no, no, no, it was great. you know And now I've been back twice and he hugs me every time.
Speaker: and Great. So. Yeah, Daniel DeBellemont. I just, yeah, shout out. Best haircut. ah Worst haircut is, um I remember one time in Saskatoon going to like, ah I just needed a really quick haircut. And I went to like one of those like ultra cuts or like mega cuts or whatever. I swear.
Speaker: Like... It would have been better if she had put the bowl on my head and just cut around it, you know? Like, it was one of those just like, oh boys, it was just so square and flat.
Speaker: I had to go get it fixed at a different place the next day because it was just, it was horrible. But yeah. Let's see. The song that owns a specific gear that can't be played casually.
Speaker: I would say maybe... Maybe not necessarily. A song but an album. Chance the Rapper. Coloring book, I cannot play. That was just too...
Speaker: too important an album. when it came out. and just what was happening in my life at the time. Versus now. Can't do it. Cannot listen to anthems for a 17 year old girl. by a broken social scene, again.
Speaker: It's I just like I can't.
Speaker: Yeah, where it where it brings me back to is just like, it's too important to lose. And I remember once... reading somewhere years ago that said that When you listen to music, You know, it's one of the best sort of triggers for memories. But what happens is you don't end up remembering.
Speaker: The memory you remember the last time you remembered the song. or something like that. It's this weird, it creates this kind of diluting effect. And so it it's become very hard for me to go back to important music from my past because I'm worried that it's going to kind of like lose its...
Speaker: Luster loses magic, right? So. Yeah, Anthem's... From Bookman's social scene. I mean, realistically, all of Set Yourself on Fire by by Stars is difficult to go back to again, just because of the time.
Speaker: Um, but But yeah. Yeah. First impulse though. calling book, especially... Same drugs. Like, oof. Can't do it. Can't do it.
Speaker: Yep. Okay, let's see. edited ah Let's get some of the more fun ones. What was the weirdest birthday?
Speaker: That has now become a regular dinner story. Um, ah So, okay, I think it was my 21st. I think it was my 21st birthday. I.
Speaker: Gut. hammered blind drunk in Victoria. Went to a ah new club I'd never been to before. And... We got in. Bought around.
Speaker: And then I got talking to this girl who, you know, just was at the bar. And she wanted to buy me around because it was my birthday. but the bartender didn't accept credit cards. So she was like, oh OK, cool. We'll go next door and I'll get you a shot at the strip club.
Speaker: and And I was like, cool, great. I was already blackout drunk. It took us... I think two hours to get from. The bar. to the strip club next door because We went outside and...
Speaker: junk -ass me, basically like proto -podcaster. I. Talked to everyone. And I was chain smoking. And I was having a great time. I was talking to like a street artist guy. I was talking to the bouncers. I was having this great time.
Speaker: We finally get into the into the strip club right, literally, the next door. And she disappears. I think she had to go to the bathroom or something. She bought the shots. But so I'm sitting alone at the strip club and I suddenly just got like so depressed.
Speaker: Just like watching all these like middle -aged businessmen leering these young women. And I just felt just like so gross. And so I took the shots. And I went outside.
Speaker: And... I didn't realize it had been like. Four hours. Because all of my friends who I'd come to the bar with. We're all... Getting into a cab going home.
Speaker: And they were like, we didn't know where you were. We thought you had already left. We we haven't seen you for hours. So I hop in the cab. Go back to a friend's place. And everybody...
Speaker: They're all... You know, it's all couples. They're all going to... hook up with each other and I'm alone on the couch. And I don't know how, but I ended up in. The hot tub. That wasn't turned on.
Speaker: So I was sitting in my clothes. In... A not turned on hot tub. And I was like, I was convinced I was gonna drown because it was cold and I like I was like So fucking drunk and my body temperature's all fucked up. But I was just sitting there being like, oh, no, I'm in danger. because I was like, I'm going to pass out and I'm going to drink.
Speaker: So i I had to like roll myself out. Of the hot tub. And onto the couch. Leaving. What can only be. I have to imagine a massive. Wet.
Speaker: spot on the couch and And then waking up before. everyone else and and going home. before I had to kind of... Face the shame. but but But yeah. I think that's probably one of the... more ridiculous birthdays. That I know to kind of tell.
Speaker: With a little bit of just like, you know. Has friendliness gone the path that you imagined? Not even a little bit. I thought it was going to be a very closed circuit. I would i would finish with Facebook and then I would be done.
Speaker: um But, you know, as I was saying at the top, I'm so much prouder of where it has gone. And I'm so much more excited about the experimental nature of the show. I do go back and forth sometimes around like. do I just close it out? Do I rebrand? Do I rename it? What do I do? And I've realized no, because.
Speaker: Friendless is... As I was saying, it's about this exploration of loneliness and this exploration of... connection And it's kind of, you know. Me. it's It's this exploration of me.
Speaker: um I think one time I described it as like, you know, there's sort of like this American life and it's sort of like this Jimmy's life because it's like. Every guest is like a facet of me. and and and You know.
Speaker: where it's gone is so much more interesting. and so much more exciting. So... so You know, and with these, you know, with my way, my collaboration with Book Warehouse and and and things that are coming in the pipeline with that, you know, there's.
Speaker: There's some really exciting things that have been happening that I wouldn't have had access to. You know, I've been hosting these these panels on Main Street. all all all month. because of this show. And, and you know, so... Yeah.
Speaker: It's not remotely what I thought it was going to be, but it's better. Yeah. Can we overcome incompatible zodiac signs in our friendships? Absolutely we can Because Zodiac. signs aren't.
Speaker: Real. I'm really sorry. I'm really really sorry. I love them. But my opinion, ironically, my opinion on zodiac is because I'm a Virgo. but
Speaker: So... Can they be overcome? Absolutely. Unless they're a Scorpio. In which case you're in trouble.
Speaker: Can they be overcome? Yes. You just have to believe. And you just have to. You have to like the person enough you have to like You have to like the person, not the sign. Right? Zodiac like. Tarot. Like.
Speaker: you know, so many of these horoscopy things. They're really helpful tools. Don't treat them as dogma. Because they're not supposed to be. They're just supposed to be guideposts. And so you know treat them for the arcane.
Speaker: you know, Mystery. that it conjures. Don't treat them as prescriptive fact. I think when we get to... Deep in the literalism. of these things, we lose the magic. which is what they're actually supposed to be about.
Speaker: Oh. This is a question I've When this question came in, I immediately was like. oh I can't wait This is such a left turn. but I could not wait to answer this question.
Speaker: I'm about to start a new job as a college mascot. Do you have any advice for this style of live performance? or any stories to share. And when I tell you...
Speaker: I have been sitting. on my high school mascot experiences. Since. High school. And I have never had the chance to tell this story. So do I have advice?
Speaker: Yes. And it. comes from personal actual experience. I got to be Tommy the Trojan. at my school pep rallies. A couple times.
Speaker: And the first thing I will recommend is. Slow down. You think you have to do so much and you don't. The costume does everything. It's like pro wrestling.
Speaker: Just... Doing one thing is enough. you I got so hyped up and I was so like. oh yeah I... Called the cosmonaut. And I started doing laps. I started running back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And within, you know, a couple minutes, I was i was completely gassed. I was dead. I was so sweaty.
Speaker: And. The the jocks. you know the football team they were like Buddy, whoever's in there, like, slow down, bro. You know, they were like... worried about me you know um So yeah, first piece of advice.
Speaker: Slow down. Let the costume do the acting. But yeah, so I got in. Did my thing. Did the pep rally. um My other piece of advice is... uh if possible. Have a spotter!
Speaker: Because... For some reason... ah At least in high school. I don't know if this is going to be the same in college or university or whatever. Um... In high school...
Speaker: People love tackling. The Mask Up. And I got... Full on. Bill Goldberg. Beard. Like, like.
Speaker: If any of you are familiar with the wrestler Rhino, And how. He didn't do the spear, he did the gore? Because that's how intense his spear was? I got Gord. Hmph.
Speaker: To the point where, like... It decapitated me. like Tommy's head went flying. I saw God. End. End. No one was there, you know? And I'm not trying to, this isn't me being like, what was me? Like, I just like. They took me out.
Speaker: And so if you can have a spotter to protect you. But yeah. I think that that's so exciting. I think you're going to have an absolute blast. Mascots rule? Being a mascot rules.
Speaker: I feel like mascots and like Disney. Disney characters, like at Disneyland and stuff, are kind of in the same boat where it's like, they're they're magic. they're They're magic. And like, don't pretend they're not. You know? Um, um Just like try to have, yeah, try to have a bodyguard or like a spotter to kind of try and be a little bit of a buffer.
Speaker: But otherwise... Just enjoy it. I'm really jealous. I think you're gonna have an absolute blast. Report back with any stories that you have. ah Where's your heart as you enter your 39th year? That is...
Speaker: Such a kind -hearted question, and I really appreciate it. And where is my heart? My heart is... Doing pretty good, all things considered. You know I'm almost three years sober.
Speaker: I am... Deeply in love. I... I... Am eating better than ever. I have taken up running. I run. three days a week.
Speaker: And in the on the other on my off days, I dead hang. and And do yoga. I'm feeling... Great. I'm really excited I have a personal goal of my own.
Speaker: that i'm I'm forcing myself to get a... Buck. Published? before I turn 40. That's just a personal goal of mine. i I have been. threatening for too long.
Speaker: to publish my work. I've been sending out my poetry. Getting a few rejections, and that's fine. I'm working on a novel that I'm hoping to have like a rough draft done pretty quick. and to be able to kind of get some beta readers.
Speaker: Going so that I could have it submitted to publishers before. Honestly, I can probably do it before the end of the year and then hopefully have it kind of, you know, it may not be in like, whatchamacallit, may not be in in physical form before I turn 40, but it'll be kind of in the pipeline. You know what I mean? But yeah, where's my heart?
Speaker: Really excited. I... I believe in the privilege of aging. I'm excited to get older. Ivy. I love my grays. I love getting my wrinkles. I think you earn.
Speaker: Your wrinkles. And I'm really excited. i In a lot of ways, I feel kind of bad for people. Like, this sounds so up my own ass, but like... I feel bad about things like Botox and and and these kinds of things, you know. I get self -conscious. Don't get me wrong. I think about getting chemical peels. I think about getting...
Speaker: facial stuff all the time. But I don't do it because I realized that like. Those wrinkles are my story. And... There are people that I know.
Speaker: Who won't ever? Get a 39th birthday. you know, there are people who didn't make it to their 30th birthday. the Aging is such a privilege. And, and.
Speaker: you know as my therapist loves to remind me you know I have to talk about like. Oh, yeah, that third third act comeback. And he's like, well. That's if you get it. Like, you're not guaranteed shit. So so I think...
Speaker: Getting over the idea that we're owed. old age and that we'll all die old and peaceful and in bed is is a fantasy. Right. So so where's my heart? Excited.
Speaker: Trying to make up for some of that exercise that I didn't do in my 30s and just grateful, grateful to be where I am. And. have the opportunity to do what I'm what i'm doing. Yeah.
Speaker: Uh... ah but but but but Song of the moment. ah Yeah. You know, so if you've been reading my weekly sub stack, you know that I've been recommending a song every week. But but right now.
Speaker: Two songs that have been crazy stuck in my head. The Obvious Child by Paul Simon. I have woken up every morning for like two weeks with that. songs stuck in my head. Those goddamn drums.
Speaker: Ciao. Toot -a -lot. Anyway, yeah. ah Love, love, love that song. And then the other one is Angst in My Pants. Very, very me coded song. Angst in My Pants by Sparks has very quickly become a heavy rotation adhd fixation listen so yeah so yeah that's uh those are the songs of the moment Um.
Speaker: Every year. As. The clock strikes. midnight from August 23rd to 24th. I will often, almost every year. For for the...
Speaker: That's... rememberable past I've put on. Time to Dance by The Shoes. It's probably one of my favorite. all time songs. So. So, because it's my birthday...
Speaker: Technically. The song of the moment is... Time to dance. Buy the shoes. Which has a... Completely deranged music video. of Jake Gyllenhaal. in Paris.
Speaker: kind of being like a techno American Psycho. He works out and murders people. Um, It's fucking great. yeah check it out um I'll probably put it in the newsletter, so so so look for the link there.
Speaker: Let's see, um... Wow, I'm already at... Well beyond an hour, so I'm going to try and wrap this up. Let's do two more.
Speaker: What goes into making What goes into the making of an episode of Friendless? What is your production process from start to finish and how do you know an episode is ready to spread its wings and leave the nest.
Speaker: I love this question. And actually I'm going to. ah Answer this question. in a different form at a different time. but But the short answer right now is what goes into it.
Speaker: And how do I know it's time to publish? Because I... have to put something out. Yeah. ah But no. What goes into it? It depends on the guest.
Speaker: If it's an author, it goes i have to I have to read their book. I have to research them. I have to sketch out. interview questions. I then have to you know Book them.
Speaker: Record them. Then you have to edit. You have to, you know, because I've been recording live at a at a store that is still open at the time. I often have to edit around. other customers. Things like that.
Speaker: You're then, you know, publishing from there. I'll go back. I'll listen. I'll cut stuff. I'll try and chop stuff out. I'll try to clean up as many ums and you knows and you know what it means as possible, but that's just kind of how I talk. I've been a little bit easier on myself lately. In terms of...
Speaker: doing more every other week. But when I'm really in my groove, it's just that it's Monday night and I need something in the queue for Tuesday morning. Right? But... That being said... That question, I think.
Speaker: I'd like to answer a little bit more in depth. Somewhere else so I'm gonna use that as a little bit of a springboard and I'm going to look at other ways that I can kind of show how I actually. you know plan and record and then execute an episode because if that's something that's interesting to people i would love to share it.
Speaker: Last question. How's doing friendless? Help you make friends. V. ah Um...
Speaker: I think as I said earlier, it's helped me figure out what I want in a friend. So I don't know if it has helped me make new friends, but it has helped me. maintain the friends that I want.
Speaker: It has also allowed me to refine and practice skills that are kind of just natural to me. I'm a very... Naturally curious. personable. Friendly person. i'm I like to learn about people.
Speaker: I like to. Hear their stories. I like to... you know, understand. I like to understand people. Because I don't understand people. And I don't understand why people do what they do.
Speaker: And I want to know why. Right? um um Someone once said, you know, I was having one of my... After my autism diagnosis, I was having one of those kind of moments of doubt where I was like, well... Can I even really be, ah you know, I literally had a diagnosis and I was like.
Speaker: Yeah, but am I because like it's not like I'm like really into trains or something, you know even though like. i As I said that, I was like. Even though, like... Actually, I'm really into trains. yeah i I should. I'd really like to know more about trains.
Speaker: I just don't have the time. but But what they said was, no. The thing is that your special interest is learning. And I realized that's really true. I just love learning stuff.
Speaker: So I don't always have like a very specific hyper focus. Like all I, like, I just like learning. Stuff? And so that has led me to be. very curious about people. Has that made me?
Speaker: How does it help me make friends? Maybe. I'm still not very consistent. I'm still very forgetful. I still am really bad at replying to texts. I still am really bad at... Planning.
Speaker: I. want to be the one who takes the onus? but I fall short a lot. And so it leaves me feeling very... Lonely and isolated and forgotten. I often feel like.
Speaker: you know In my darker moments, I feel like... Yeah, it's it's it's, you know, I'm easy to have around, but I'm easy to forget about, right? And I don't think any of that's malicious. I think that's just my mental illness lying to me. Right. But yeah. I think the show has helped me practice the skills. that it would take to make a friend.
Speaker: Have I applied them? in the most effective ways possible. Every time. Absolutely not. But that's not. what being a human is about. Right. It's a boat.
Speaker: Giving it a shot? Seeing what works. and adjusting accordingly. How's that for an answer, huh? But that's going to be it. I am so grateful that you listened straight through to the end of the episode. And I hope.
Speaker: This was fun and illuminating and educating and and all the other ings. that you could possibly need. Here. At the dawn. of James Evermanco's 39th year.
Speaker: yeah funding Fun fact, they said also... is the 50th episode of what I have dubbed Season 8. So that's a fun little cosmetic. Crossroads? But yeah.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like more Friendless, if you didn't get enough here... Be sure to sign up for my weekly sub stack. I've been writing a kind of a it starts with a little intro piece, kind of an experimental what I'm feeling that week. Sometimes it's a list. Sometimes it's a little essay. Sometimes it's a one minute play. It's all kinds of fun stuff.
Speaker: Then there is recommendations for a book to read. a fun video to watch and a song to listen to it's a ton of fun it's an easy read it's free So be sure to sign up for that. But other than that,
Speaker: I'm just going to leave things here. Thank you so much for listening. I hope I'll catch you at the next episode. But hey, as always. I'm not gonna worry about that now. And neither should you. Because... That is then. And this is now.
Speaker: So for now, I'll just say, I love you. and I wish you well. Find a safety sweet piece.
