Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
C1 E1 : Waking Up In The World Of Arum
59 Plays1 year ago
After waking up in a jail cell with a limited memory of the night prior 4 adventurers find themselves needing to rely on each other to survive!
CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains fantasy violence, Crime, Alcohol use, amnesia, potential trigger statements, and strong profanity.
Click https://www.linktr.ee/tacticalcrits for Social Media, Spotify, and Apple Podcast
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Disclaimer
00:00:03
Speaker
to a tactical crits production.
00:00:35
Speaker
A viewer discretion is advised.
Character Introductions
00:01:28
Speaker
Welcome to episode one of The World of Arim. I am joined by... I am Zach Balter. I play Bruce. I am playing as a bard, and he is a UNT. Hey, everybody. I'm Chase Dixon. I play Axon of the Golden Fang, and he is a monk.
00:01:54
Speaker
I'm Matthew Jacobson and I play Nocturne Tenebrous. He is a Dark Knight. Hey guys, I'm Kent Rawlings. I'm gonna be playing Vexos Nightshade. It's gonna be a Rogue Warlock Multiclass.
Awakening in the Jail Cell
00:02:09
Speaker
So, you guys are all asleep. As your consciousness slowly returns, you find yourself in a dimly lit jail cell. The air is heavy with a musty scent.
00:02:21
Speaker
and there's damp stone walls surrounding all around you. Instead of having a familiar flickering light from torches that are all around, you see gemstones hanging up on the walls, giving this almost like flickering similar to a torch, but a little bit brighter and a little bit more of a orange tone. The walls themselves are solid and imposing,
00:02:48
Speaker
And you can kind of see at the end of the jail cell, there's where the bars are at. You can see that there's a couple other rows of other cells all around you. As you take in your surroundings, you guys start waking up and Bruce, you see a big lion guy kind of in front of you. Hello, my lion friend. Who wigs me from my slumber? It's me, Bruce the bad.
00:03:19
Speaker
Yeah, so as you guys are starting to talk, you realize you kind of remember a little bit of last night. Last night, you guys got a little rowdy and ended up getting arrested with two other people that are also in your cell just now kind of waking up. I do not remember why, but I do remember. Bardman.
00:03:47
Speaker
You're all right. Other two. You're dicks. What is the meaning of this? How did we get here? I don't remember too much, but I do remember that there was a lot of cards that came from nowhere. I just remember gambling again. Pardon me. Check your pocket.
00:04:16
Speaker
Are there dice in there? What do I see? You have nothing. Uh, it seems I don't have any dice on me. That's such an odd question for you to ask me, actually. They stole them again! No dipshit. Clearly we're in prison. They took all of it. Do I have anything in my pockets? Give me a investigation check.
00:04:46
Speaker
I'm gonna get up and look around It's a jail cell that's a 10 a 10. Yeah.
Interaction with Guard Thorne
00:04:55
Speaker
Yeah, you don't have anything Kind of like look outside the gate and see if there's like guards or anything posted like nearby Yeah, so you start walking over and you do notice there's a guard that's been
00:05:12
Speaker
going kind of sell to sell, handing out food to the prison mates. Do I have anything on my person? Do an insight check or investigation. I just want to ask, am I wearing like, like clothes? Or are we, do they change this into like a prison garb? So you are still wearing your armor or like where your clothes that you were wearing, but there's nothing seeming to be in your pockets or there's no weapons or anything on you. Right. Okay. I rolled a 16.
00:05:42
Speaker
No, there's nothing you can see at first. But you start feeling a little snake kind of just climbing up your back. Oh, thank God. I thought they took him. Oh, thank God. Hard man. You have five seconds to remove this creature before I have my morning snack. All right. Come here, Mrs. Snake. Come on. Does he not have a name?
00:06:11
Speaker
Didn't you? Did you say that was your cousin? Do you not call your cousin? It is my cousin. Thamwise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thamwise. All right. Come here. Come here, Mr. Thamwise. Can I roll an investigation on the gemstones lined in the prison?
00:06:30
Speaker
Yes. Give me a insight check. Insight check. All right. That's fucking 19. Nice. So you would know from being around this area for a little while that these gemstones are kind of common. They're used pretty much just for like light that's down here. So instead of having torches and having like a reason that
00:06:58
Speaker
things can get burned down and stuff. They'll just use these gemstones that they they mine. And that really keeps everything lit up. Once you get into the city, they have like bigger ones that make huge, huge lights all around the city. But for you guys, you just have these tiny little ones in there and that they don't really care about you because you're in a jail cell. I see. So as you guys are are starting to wake up and start walking around,
00:07:27
Speaker
A guard starts walking towards your jail cell. And as he walks over to your jail cell, he looks in, he says, uh, good morning. What, uh, what'd you guys want for breakfast? Steak. Oh, that sucks.
00:07:48
Speaker
And he just takes a bowl of like goop, like not goop, but like just me and yeah, like a gruel. And he just places four of them down like right at the bottom of the jail cell like opening. And he kicks him over to you. And he says, oh, so I heard you're having a trial today. You guys, you guys are going to be seeing the king. How about that? Fancy that, huh?
00:08:17
Speaker
Heard you guys made quite a fucking ruckus and murdered some people. Yeah, how was that? That doesn't sound like me. I don't think I don't know what you're talking about. I don't think there's any proof. I'll be honest that that sounds exactly like me. Yeah, I mean, it was you. To be fair, the lion tried to murder one of the guys in this cell. He had it coming. Well,
00:08:46
Speaker
Uh, I hope, uh, I hope you guys enjoy your stay here cause you're going to probably be here for quite a while. Somehow I doubt that. What time is it guard? So right now it's about none of your fucking business. Oh my God. You're never going to see the light of day again. You're so lucky I'm on this side of the cell. Does he have like a loop of keys around his
Planning the Escape
00:09:11
Speaker
belt? He does have a loop of keys around his belt. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to.
00:09:16
Speaker
I'm gonna posture to the side. I'm not directly in front of the cage door, but I'm to the side of it. Okay, okay. Is there any way I can reach these keys? I have a tail. Give me a minute. I mean, he's looking at you. So if you just grow and run and try to grab it from him, he's definitely gonna notice. Still check. Okay. I'm just kidding.
00:09:44
Speaker
Hey guard, what's your name? I'm just gonna sit in the back corner. My name is Thorne. Thorne? That's a gay fucking name. What's your family's name? Well, that's certainly a name no one will remember. Well, you guys will remember it because I'm gonna see you every single day. I'll be coming by this jail cell to kick your fucking food over. You call that food? Well, I wouldn't eat it. Look,
00:10:13
Speaker
I'm gonna give you some tips. You guys play nice, and maybe while you're down here, it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll get you two bowls of this shit. Are you asking for handjobs?
00:10:28
Speaker
Yes. My claws would interfere. So after this, he starts walking down. As he turns around, I would like to try to yoink the keys with my tail through the jail cell door. Give me a sleight of hand check. Sixteen. All right. Yeah, you get these keys off his loop.
00:10:55
Speaker
and you kind of like tuck it through the bars and now it's in your hand. Oh, maybe you aren't such a big dumb animal. Let's not have a repeat of last night. That would be bad for you, yeah. I haven't come up with a derogatory nickname for you yet, but it is coming. Don't worry, don't overwork your brain there, bud. Let's see those keys, come on. Let's wait for him to get out of line of sight. He looks like he's out of line. Who's the dumb animal now? You're still the animal.
00:11:25
Speaker
At this point, he's kind of gotten far enough away. Yeah. I like to imagine I have to pass off the keys because my hands are so light. They're just like, uh, yeah, they're just pause. No, he got thumbs. They're just really, really big. So I'm going to, I'm going to pass them off to Bruce the Bard. You're giving me these keys. Bruce, let me see these keys. No, no, I think I'll keep them. As long as he lets us out.
00:11:54
Speaker
All right, I'm gonna attempt to unlock the door. I assume the lock's on the outside, so I'm gonna try to reach in and reach out and do my thing. Wait, do we have handcuffs on us? No, no, there's no handcuffs on you. Oh, okay, okay. But I will say, give me an insight check. Just Zach? No, all of you. Okay. Oh, nice, 19. I rolled 11. 14.
00:12:25
Speaker
So as you guys, most of you guys can kind of hear what 16. OK. Pretty much all of you can hear behind you, you have a stone wall. But you can hear a scraping noise coming from behind that stone wall. What the fuck is that? How compactly
00:12:54
Speaker
built together is this brick. Like, could we like poke or pull some out if we tried? It doesn't seem like it. All right, I'm gonna I'm gonna look around, see if there's any holes in the wall that are big enough for a snake to fit through. Give me an investigation check. Hold on. It's coming. Oh, wait for that. How many keys did I yoink just the one for the cell?
00:13:17
Speaker
I think you yanked the whole thing. Right? Yeah. It'd be hard to get the one key than it would be to get all of them. Yeah, you grabbed like it's a key ring. So you grabbed the ring. Nice. I got a seven. So with a seven, you're not going to be able to find any holes or anything. But I will say as you guys are sitting here now the scraping noise is getting like
00:13:43
Speaker
almost closer it seems like it's getting closer to you is it coming from like the little fucking alley where the guards walking or is it coming from one of the walls it's coming from the wall yeah it's coming from the wall behind you behind us okay yo let's let's try and find let's try and find what key we need for this cell and then we can use the other ones that we don't give a fuck about to fucking
00:14:13
Speaker
Uh, we can either use the other keys to scrape back on the wall or we can just get the fuck out of here. Well, they do that. I'm going to, I'm assuming I saw where the guard would have walked away. Yeah. All right. I'm going to.
00:14:33
Speaker
go toward that doorway or entryway and tuck myself into like a corner or in like the shadows so that I'm hidden. So just in case the guard comes back, I can knock his bitch ass out real quick and give us some more time. Nice. That's a good call. Another victim
Contact from Eugene
00:14:50
Speaker
of a choke slamming. I'm going to start fumbling through the keys trying to figure out which one fits into this keyhole.
00:14:57
Speaker
Yeah, Bruce, let me let me help you out here. All these keys look the fucking same. That's racist. So you shouldn't go like trial and error just trying to check each one. Yeah, can I do an investigation check on like the the door and then on a key to see if there's like a specific one that might might be for ourselves.
00:15:21
Speaker
You can, but I would say it's a really high roll. I, what I would say is you guys can definitely take time to like check each one, but these, these keys look pretty similar and there's a bunch of different cells. That's crazy. But as you're fumbling through the keys, you do hear now almost seeming right behind the wall. Like almost like the wall is thinned and you hear a voice. Hello. All right. What the fuck? I'm going to, I'm going to yell to the voice. Hello.
00:15:52
Speaker
Hey, are you, uh, you guys knock, knock, knock the for Vex, what's in there? Yeah. So, uh, Oh, it's the thieves' guild. Yeah. We, we got told the silver servants, they told me to come get you guys. It's a beautiful day.
00:16:17
Speaker
You guys wanna come? If you want, you guys can go have your meeting with the king, but I don't know. I got a little hole in here if you wanna come. Oh, I'm coming. All right, well... I'm gonna come. I would... Do not come. All right, I would stand back a little bit this...
00:16:44
Speaker
This last part is pretty, uh, pretty dense stone. I'm going to knock it out and then we're going to have to start leaving real quick. Once this, uh, once this happens, we got to get going. Otherwise the guards, they're definitely going to come out here. I like the sound of that. Hey, Hey, Noctifer. Hey, stand by one second. All right. Hey, Noctifer. Well, what about that map that we were supposed to get?
00:17:12
Speaker
I don't think that the silver serpents are going to be a little upset that we didn't retrieve that map. It's true. Hey, how long? How? We could probably get out really quick and maybe find the guards room and get our equipment and come back this way. Yeah, maybe.
00:17:33
Speaker
Uh, no, they're gonna, they're, they're not gonna be happy with us if, uh, if we don't come back with that map. So, yeah, exactly. Hey, uh, what's your name? What's your name, bud? My name is, uh, is Eugene. By the way, for all of our Patreon subscribers, this name and this character, this NPC came from Chris Osorio. And if you want to get your names in here,
00:18:01
Speaker
Go to our Patreon and you can submit some names. Beautiful. Thank you, Chris. Yeah. What did you say your name was again? I couldn't hear you over footsteps. My name is Eugene. Eugene. Okay. Hey, Eugene. Listen, we have some unfinished business inside of this building, per se. How about you?
00:18:29
Speaker
camp out here for a minute. And then I take my bowl of gruel over to the wall. And I, you know, I try and find like a little hole to just kind of fucking throw some gruel into the, into the law. I'm like, Hey, get you some food, you know, sit out here for a little bit. We'll be back. All right. So you definitely can, there's like definitely now that he got so much closer, there's like a little bit of holes kind of going through and so you kind of smoosh this gruel through it.
00:19:00
Speaker
and you just hear back this is this is fucking disgusting who eats this shit hey man you you take what you can get when you're in a fucking hole in a prison wall i mean i don't live here i'm coming to get you yeah yeah we just just just stand by for just a little bit all right we'll be back all right i'm just saying be a little quick about it okay we can't really i killed a couple people coming here
00:19:28
Speaker
So yeah, it might want to be kind of quick. That's that. Yeah, that's fine. Thanks, Eugene. All right, I'll be right here. All right, let's find this fucking key. Hey, hey, Bruce, how many how many keys have you tried? I think I found it. Oh, sick. Fucking open this bitch up. Wait, wait, wait. What about all the gear? We're going to get our gear. I thought we're still in a prison cell.
00:19:58
Speaker
I'm gonna jangle these keys and open up the open up the door.
Escape Strategy Discussion
00:20:03
Speaker
All right, yo, lion lion, you're your fucking point, man. Hold on, hold on. I got a plan for this. I'm gonna get my snake. I'm gonna go. Hey, fam wise, why don't you scout out a little bit? All right. And he's gonna look back at me. And I guess nobody else will understand if he's gonna look at me and go, Sir,
00:20:24
Speaker
and he's gonna he's gonna I'm gonna put him on the ground he's gonna wiggle his way forward and scout out the hallway all right is he gonna go left or is he gonna go right let's go right all right so he starts going right and he's going down the hallway and you guys are waiting around for probably like two minutes and and he comes back and he looks at you and he says
00:20:53
Speaker
Oh fuck, how do I do that voice? Third. There's a lot of self over there. You see anything else? Any gods? Anything like that? Oh, there's definitely some gods over there. I'm going to look back at the rest of the party. Hey guys, apparently there's a lot of gods out there.
00:21:22
Speaker
My boy here, Samwise, he's been looking around. There's a lot of gods, a lot of cells. He didn't find anything special. Were these guards in a room? Then we go another way. Out in the fucking hall. Oh, the gods? Oh, wait. I'm going to relay. I'm going to relay. Okay, okay. Well, the gods, they're over there on the right. And he like points his head and like
00:21:51
Speaker
Knobs at it because he doesn't have arms. Point and snake. Yeah. And they were all talking about the fifth trial and they seemed super excited for like maybe a beheading or something. I do not like the sounds of that. Not at all.
00:22:10
Speaker
Why don't you scout out the other side of the hallway? Nice Bruce. I was going to say that. Hey Bruce, before he goes, can you tell him to potentially look out for any rooms or stuff that might have some gear or some type of stuff just sitting in it?
00:22:27
Speaker
Yeah, I got you. Hey, uh, hey, Samwise. Can you, uh, look over to the left and see if you see anything, uh, any rooms, uh, that might have our gear, something like that. Uh, you know, a hidden room, a room that has a chest, something that might be holding our gear. Yes, sir. Can Samwise be our scorekeeper and statistician?
00:22:55
Speaker
Uh, and he, he goes off to the left and this time it takes him a little bit longer and he comes back. Yeah. So there's, there's definitely a room with all this different gear you can go get. Um, it's, it's like a good 400 slip of the way. And I think, I think you could get to it before the other gods like come back with something.
00:23:23
Speaker
I'm going to relay that to the team. But I'm going to say instead of slithers away, I'm going to say it's roughly 200 feet. So how is this prison laid out? Outside of the cell, how is it laid out? So once you guys go out of the cell, you say in the cell or outside of the cell? So once you look outside the cell, if you look left and right,
00:23:52
Speaker
There's a bunch of cells that are all going down, like the line on both sides, and then it kind of curves. So you can kind of gather in your head that it's almost like a circular motion of cells. Um, and that's pretty much all you can see right now. All right. Shit. Fuck it. Let's go. Yeah. I'm going to look at, uh, families and I'm going to say, Hey, families lead the way. Yes.
00:24:21
Speaker
Don't step on Snick. Yeah, he starts going left and you guys start start following him. Are you guys just like running or you guys what are you guys doing? I feel like we should probably go for a little bit. Well, down the opposite hallways, all those guards, right? Yeah. Yeah, so. Kind of just got to book it.
00:24:51
Speaker
Is there any cover? Go ahead. Yeah, I think I'm trying to find like little little cracks and crevices to kind of like hide my way a little bit like kind of stealthy. Stealthish. I think I think that should be the point, man. That's I think you should get up in front because you're going to let it'll be easier for you to hide from my guards and you can peer on corners easier. Wait, I have an idea.
00:25:19
Speaker
Uh, so it's just like a, like a halt, like normal width hallway, correct? How tall is it? Like 10 feet. So if someone were spread out like a feline across the ceiling, they wouldn't be seen from beneath if they'd be above line of sight. If they rolled a good stealth roll, yeah. I would like to cat stick to the wall.
00:25:49
Speaker
Uh, all right. Hey, Lionman, can I ride your back? Can he ride my back? Please let him ride my back. Yeah. Fuck. Yes! Um, I would say, what's your strength? Fourteen. Fourteen? And how much, uh, how much do you weigh, Vexus? I weigh roughly... This is a good time to say you weigh 50 pounds. I can't check. Fuck.
00:26:19
Speaker
shit uh i weigh like 190 pounds god damn is that with your gear on or just like how much you weigh oh i don't have any gear right now i just don't know we still thought we still have like our armor from last night they didn't change us oh oh yeah well i mean my armor is just like some medium like leather gotcha did you make your character weigh as much as you no
00:26:42
Speaker
Yes. He's my dudes like six foot three. He's a little bit six to is he's tall. Oh, I made him my ideal height. So you can he can definitely carry you. It's gonna be very slow. But he can he can carry you and stick to the wall. All right, big bucks. No whammies. Big bucks. No whammies. That's a 22.
00:27:09
Speaker
Let's fucking go. All right. So you guys are stuck to the wall or the ceiling and you guys start going down the hallway. And as you're going, you can, like I said before, it's almost like it curves. The hallway is not just straight. It starts to curve. And as you're going around the curve, uh, you see these two guards that are walking towards you and they're walking underneath you and they don't notice you at all.
00:27:37
Speaker
And they just are talking about how great this trial is supposed to be. And you hear one talk to the other one, he's like, Hey, um, do you guys, do you guys, do you think this is going to be a really fun trial? Like, what are like the last one where they, uh, they got to cut off all these heads and we got to like use them as, as soccer balls and stuff. Or do you think this is just going to be like one of the boring ones where they cut off the head and then we just leave?
00:28:03
Speaker
And the other guy looks back at him and he's like, well, I hope it's like the first one is I've been, I've been practicing soccer. I've even got my cleats on right now. Like I'm ready for it. And they walk underneath you not noticing. Um, but they are starting to go closer to, uh, Knox for and Bruce. I'll say that you, you guys were able to get.
00:28:29
Speaker
past them and you can see that there is like a guards lounge kind of area coming up but I am gonna need to see what Bruce and Nocturne do as these two guards kind of walk up to him. I'm gonna yell at Vex or no Bruce, Bruce you have the keys. If you insist, sure. I take them and I'm gonna use, I'm gonna fumble fuck with the keys and like try to get them into the the nearest cell and unlock that cell.
00:28:58
Speaker
Alright, I'm gonna need you to roll. Slide of hand or investigation? Slide of hand and investigation. Oh, investigation it is. Do me and uh can me and the Lion Men keep uh keep heading towards the guard check? Yeah, you guys can keep walking there. Yeah, we're we're gonna keep keep on climbing the wall. We're trying to get this gear. Get the **** out. I have an eighteen.
00:29:30
Speaker
18. Yeah, you actually happen to find the, uh, the correct key. You open up this cell and you hop in. Um, as soon as I kind of close it behind you before, uh, yeah, I'm gonna drag Bruce in and shut the door. All right. So you get into this cell and you close the door. And as soon as you do, you see this giant hobgoblin in there and he looks over at you and he's like, Oh, Hey, honey.
00:29:59
Speaker
How you doing? Don't fucking get near me. I just couldn't say, please shut up. Just shut up. We'll be in here for like five seconds. All right, from there, we're going to cut to Axon and Vexus, who are now pretty much right where the guards area is. And you guys are going to, I guess, hop down and... Yeah. Yeah.
00:30:28
Speaker
We see it. Can we see your gear? Yeah. So you get there and yeah, there's a door there. Is there any is there any like can we see inside of this room or is there like a window or is the door there just a fucking door?
Infiltrating the Guard Room
00:30:47
Speaker
I'm going to walk in. All right. Fucking send it X on.
00:30:56
Speaker
I'm going to I'm going to be like five paces behind him when he walks. Wait, is this like can we see through this door? No, it's just a door. Oh, I thought it was like like like he said I walk. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I said that under false pretenses. I said that under false pretenses. Oh, OK. Here's what I'm going to do. All right. Excellent. You're going to fucking post up your number one man. All right. I'm going to fucking I'm going to crack this door open very slightly and see if I can get get my eye into the into the room. OK.
00:31:27
Speaker
All right. So you creak it open a little bit. You do see that there's a shit ton of gear here, not just from you, but it seems like most of the prisoner stuff, like if they've got cool shit that they kind of just like stash it in there and they kind of use it for themselves. Okay. At this moment, there is one guard sitting down drinking what seems to be like a cup of coffee.
00:31:55
Speaker
He's just like this plump dwarf And he's got his axe that he usually carries around is not like on him right now. It's kind of like Off to the side while he's just sitting there sipping his coffee and and reading me the newspaper. Is he facing away from us? He's not facing towards you or away. He's kind of like facing like caddy cornered Yeah, and he he's just got a big newspaper in front of him though. I
00:32:22
Speaker
Alright, listen, lion. So there's one there's one guy in there. I'll handle this. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, calm down. Listen, I'm gonna like very, very stealthy. Open this door and see if I can retrieve a weapon on the door or on the one of the tables, right? And then I'm gonna attack him.
00:32:49
Speaker
after I attack that's when you come in but quietly we cannot make too much noise but I could bite his throat out and we could be done with it oh yeah but that's super risky what if he screams have you ever tried to scream without a throat
00:33:08
Speaker
I mean, you have a good point there. You have a good point. All right, look. We will try your way. Okay. All right. I want to very quietly open this door and then search for some sort of dagger, sword, anything on the table that's out of sight, like out of his line of sight.
00:33:30
Speaker
if you look in here, you can see that he's kind of got this newspaper in front of him. He's not really expecting random people to just like, show up into the guards lounge room. He's basically on his lunch break. Yeah, he's on his coffee break. So you're pretty much good, you're gonna have to stealth obviously, unless you want to go in and just like throat punch this guy, but
00:33:54
Speaker
but he's not expecting anyone to come in so he's not really looking at these weapons and stuff and yeah there's definitely
00:34:01
Speaker
like some daggers. There's some cool fucking like swords and you can kind of notice that you guys have like your gear that you came here is kind of like spread out a little bit but it's all in that room. Okay. All right. Yeah. So I want to go in like stealthily and then I want to retrieve a weapon and then I'm going to go up behind him. I'm going to cover his mouth and then stick a dagger into the side of his throat. Huh.
00:34:31
Speaker
Uh, for stealth. Okay. Yeah. Roll for stealth, man. Get your plus eight in there. Uh, I'm, I'm ready to pounce at any moment in case 15. All right. I guess roll for roll for damage and we'll see if he's able to at least get up and move a little bit before you just rip his throat out.
00:35:00
Speaker
So, uh, did I, did I grab a dagger? I'm assuming. Yeah. I mean, there was weapons kind of all around. So you said you grabbed a dagger that was like, grab the dagger. All right. So five. And then I'm assuming this would be a sneak attack. Yeah. Sneaky snack. Three. So eight, eight damage.
00:35:25
Speaker
Damn, those are shitty rules. So you slit this guy's throat, he gets up, and he's fucking... And blood is just spraying all over the fucking place now. Alright, now I'm gonna pounce into the room and I'm gonna choke slamming. Yeah, go for it. I gotta put him down. I'd say you guys definitely had a surprise round on him, so... Yeah, for sure, for sure.
00:35:52
Speaker
That is 23 to joke slam. Yes, it fucking is. Sick. Honestly, there's nothing you can roll that won't kill this man. Cool. Yeah. I'm going to lift him up and spike him on the top of his spine. Wrong day. Wrong job, friend.
00:36:12
Speaker
As you slam this dude into the ground, you could hear his vertebrae cracking and you just see one tear coming from his eye as blood is just pooling around the area. I'm going to start hiding the body. And I'm going to start grabbing everyone's gear and carry it myself. Okay. And now we're going to cut back to Bruce and Noctifer and this giant hobgoblin hobgoblin.
00:36:42
Speaker
Hobgoblin, Jesus Christ, is, uh, and she is way over to you, and, hey honey, you, uh, came to the right jail cell. Sir, I will put you down. Stay the fuck away. Everyone having an itch? Oh, I want you, I want you to put me down. Please stop. Please, please get away. Please stop. This is my favorite thing. I don't like this.
00:37:06
Speaker
uh so the guards are now that we kind of cut back to you the guards are now like just passing yourself i'm gonna start uh like sitting on the ground rocking and start singing so they think that i'm just a
00:37:21
Speaker
This guy in a cell and we start singing, this is my jail cell song. I'm stuck in a jail cell. Please get me out of here. Oh, honey. You've got some sweet, sweet words. Come over here. Come to, come to Papa. Brogo. I'm going to look at Nocturne and give him like the eye of please help. What is this hobgoblin wearing? Uh, this hobgoblin is wearing a pair of like,
00:37:49
Speaker
like shorts. Ashless chaps. Well, he's wearing shorts and that's it. So and he's kind of like this. Probably like a three 400 pound hop album. Big, big stomach. Big, big tits. Just a big old dude. He's I guess he's just start coming close for you guys. Please get away. I'm gonna use a shocking grasp on him.
00:38:23
Speaker
It's like, it's just, it's a base. Like, yeah. Like as a taser, I'm just like, yeah. Yeah. 17 to hit. Yeah. Yeah. That hits. He's not wearing anything. Okay. Not much too. Ooh. Uh, you go and shock him and he's like, Oh, well, that a key. Um,
00:38:53
Speaker
And as it's going on, other guards are kind of past the jail cell. And you guys can start hearing Vexus and Axon kind of like slowly making their way over towards you guys. Oh, wait. I'm going back the way I came. Yeah. On the roof. Oh. All right. So you guys are up on the roof and you guys can hear
00:39:21
Speaker
Bruce and Noctifer chatting up with his hobgoblin. Okay, I'm gonna cuz I never I never locked the gate. I just shut the door. So I'm gonna open the gate and toss Bruce out and try to get out of there before Mr. Hobgoblin comes back out with us. You toss Bruce out close the door behind him. This is all for you, huh?
00:39:49
Speaker
Oh, he can't take reactions, by the way, the hobgoblin. OK. So you guys, I guess you guys get out of the cell. Is that what you're doing? Yeah, I'm getting out of the cell and locking it behind me.
00:40:02
Speaker
That is traumatized. I'm gonna look at Bruce and say, we don't talk about this. Agreed. Alright. As you guys start walking back to top up and like looks at one more time and he's just like, come back anytime sweeties. I'll come back to kill you. I assume, I assume my snake is, uh, is with, uh, vexos in them, just traveling behind them.
00:40:23
Speaker
Yeah, they're actually just like on Texas's shoulder. Okay out there. Hell yeah. He's gonna come back to me as you know, he's got the fucking crazy. They fucking they murdered a man they fucking crazy. All right, are the guards are the guards approaching us later? So the guards are going the same direction you are right now. Okay, what you can kind of gather from where you came from is
00:40:53
Speaker
like the guard area was a normal door, but like, it wasn't at the end of a hallway or anything. This is a big circle. And so these guards are doing the rounds in this circle. Okay. We need to get back to the hole. Let's get the fuck out of here. I'm scared. I'm going to jump down and with access and animals. Oh, yeah. And I'll give everybody their gear when we
00:41:23
Speaker
Well, let's do it. Let's get the gator now in case we do come across the guards. Guards are literally on our ass. We just need to turn a corner. Yeah, let's get it in the cell. Let's just get in the cell right now. Yeah, so I'll say you guys get to the cell.
00:41:42
Speaker
You guys get to your cell and you can hear behind the wall, Eugene. Hey, you guys, you guys ready to go? I'm kind of finished eating all this sludge you left me. You ate it? Oh, you ate that. Well, I'm not gonna let it go to waste. Good God. Respectable. Hey, to each his own. Of true Leone in honor, never to waste sludge.
00:42:10
Speaker
Well, I'm not I'm not no Leonin but uh Where I come from you you get what you get you you fucking shove in your mouth so Enough of the chitter chatter, please get me the fuck out of here You know, so while he's about to while he's about to bust through the wall where can we dish out gear? Let's fuck in shit
00:42:33
Speaker
Yeah, you guys have all your gear. You guys are kind of like throwing it on real quick. And he's like, all right, I'm gonna give you a countdown. Stand a little bit to the side, not directly where my voice is coming from. Three, two, one, and boom, slams open this, this huge hole right in front of you. Super loud. What does Eugene look like?
00:43:00
Speaker
He is this giant bugbear. Oh, hell yeah. Super hairy. He's wearing kind of like no top on, but he has like these shoulder pads that are metal. And he's wearing like just shorts, almost looking like basketball shorts. Come with me if you want to live. And he starts running down this burrow. Oh, this is awesome.
00:43:30
Speaker
I don't know about you guys, but I'm following. Wrong one after him. Let's make haste. I'm right behind you. As we're running, I'm talking to Vax. You guys didn't want to grab anything extra while you were in there? I thought about it, but we unfortunately came across a sad individual who's laying on the floor now. You were so fat. As you say that, you hear behind me
00:43:56
Speaker
A bunch of guards going, holy fucking shit! Ted! They fucking killed Ted! Well, apparently it is Ted. And now they're fucking running around. You can hear them just going to every cell trying to figure out where this is. And they do see a bunch of blood that kind of goes into your guy's jail cell.
00:44:23
Speaker
Did it did it lead from the roof? They saw a trail of blood from their best friend Ted go from the room onto the roof or over like over the area and then into they are they are fucking terrified right now because all they they just see a bloody trail going across the ceiling like Freddy Krueger. Dude, how big are your paws?
00:44:54
Speaker
Well, I'm seven too, so do the math. Yeah. They just see a giant, they just, there's just a giant fucking cat. If, uh, is his paws still blood soaked? Like, is it still leaving a trail? Yeah. I mean, there's like, I'm, I know I'm licking it as we were gone. I didn't eat any of that gruel. I'm thirsty. Yeah. I can say you get, you can lick it up, but you guys are booking it down, down this, uh, burrow, right? Yeah.
00:45:24
Speaker
All right, so you guys are going, and by the time you get to the end of this, you could hear guards like running through this burrow trying to get to you guys. And at the end of the burrow, you open up and you see a couple dead mailmen just on the ground. And in front of you is a shoot, kind of like in Avatar, the last air button. You know, like those big shoots in- In the Earth Kingdom?
00:45:55
Speaker
Yeah. Hell yeah. So it's like that. And there's these little carts that go on it. But they have like a little lever on it. So these mailman will jump on there and they'll push push lever and then they'll start shooting down the shoot. And there is three of them there. And Eugene looks at you guys like, all right, we got to jump on these real quick. And we need to get the fuck out of here. Agreed. We go.
00:46:25
Speaker
All right, so this is the way that's gonna work. Oh, wait, wait, question real quick. I'm sorry, in our gear, we found the map, right? The parchment? I don't think you guys have checked yet. Yeah, I, well, oh, fuck. I don't have the time for that now. As soon as, I'm getting on the, I'm getting on the fucking cart, and then as soon as I get on the cart, I'm checking for the gold that I had, and I'm checking for the parchment.
00:46:53
Speaker
So you guys get on these carts and the way that it's going to work is one person is going to be in charge of the lever and the other could have a second person on the cart. You hear behind you that these guards are going to be like coming after you guys.
Chase and Magic Tactics
00:47:12
Speaker
So the person who's going to be driving the cart can either take their action to push it and you guys can go.
00:47:19
Speaker
or they can let go of the lever and try to throw something or try to fight the guards that are coming towards them. The other person who's not, they'll be able to just try to slow down the enemies by throwing stuff at them.
00:47:36
Speaker
and blocking the track or they can try to like cast you know fireball or something at them and as you guys are jumping in you said you checked to see if the yeah I checked to see if all of my belongings were still in my my gear like everything we left the bar with
00:47:57
Speaker
So the map is there, your gear is there. There's absolutely zero gold left. They saw the gold. They're like, well, that's, that's my fucking bastard. I say we turn around and fight these fucking guys right now. All right. All right. We, we go in because there's like a lot of people behind us. I can hear them.
00:48:23
Speaker
I did not have D&D Mario Kart on my bingo card when I woke up this morning, but I'm fucking here for it, man. Alright, yeah, so who are you guys jumping in with? You guys gonna go Axon, Bruce, and Vexus. I like this arrangement. Yeah, that's fine.
00:48:41
Speaker
Alright, so you guys hop in and as you hop in, there's a couple tracks. So the first track, we'll say Bruce and Axon get on. The second track, which is parallel to it, this would be Nocturne and Vexos. And on the third track, you see Eugene hop on there and he's like, Hey, let's fucking go. We got like,
00:49:05
Speaker
Five seconds before we get our asses kicked. And he just pushes the lever and he starts going. Yeah, I'm pushing my lever. I push lever. All right, so Axon and Nocturne, you guys will be pushing down the lever. And as you do, you see a bunch of these guys run out of that pool. I'm like, ah, get the fuck back here, you killed him! I throw my hands up like I'm on a roller coaster.
00:49:34
Speaker
I'm going to, I'm going to flip them the bird while they're behind us. And then I'm going to stick my tail in between my hands as a third middle finger. I am going to use Firebolt on the one who said, get back here.
00:49:49
Speaker
Wait, didn't hold on. Didn't he fucking press the stick down to drive the cart? Oh, yeah, you that's your action. Yeah, you press the cart. So you guys start going and you see them run over and they grab their own carts and they start following you. I'm going to find the closest one. And whoever is steering, I'm going to cast hideous laughter.
00:50:15
Speaker
It sounds just like that. That's what the laughter sounds like. Yep, exactly. What's he have to do for that? It's a wisdom saving throw for 13. He got an 11. Alright, so I'm going to cast it and I'm going to say the word penis. Oh, fuck. Yeah, he just starts busting out laughing and he's just like, penis.
00:50:45
Speaker
And he's gonna let go of the lever. And so they're slowing down. And that's one of the tracks behind you that are starting to slow down. And you still have two more tracks with guards on their way to get you. Oh, let me get a... Shit, roll initiative. That's a nat 20. I got a nat 20 for initiative. 17. I have a plus eight and got a 12. I got 20, 22. First one up.
00:51:15
Speaker
is gonna be knocked through. Are any of them in within melee range? No, they're not in melee range right now. They're probably 30 feet away from you guys. And you can either take an action to continue going down the chute, and you can, it'll be pretty much like if you hold this down, you're gonna go 60 feet per round. If you let go of this, you'll go one round of only 30 feet, and then if you don't go push it again, it's gonna stop.
00:51:45
Speaker
Okay. Well, I'm going to keep pushing it down then. Okay. So you go 60 more feet. You guys are going down and Vexus is next. How far away are the other two carts from us? You guys just went 60 feet and they're in trail behind you. And if they also go 60 feet, they'll be about 30 feet behind you. But right now they're almost 90 feet behind you.
00:52:12
Speaker
I'm gonna I want to hold an action of throwing a dagger. Okay, so you're gonna hold it just if they get a little bit closer. Yeah. So the next card starts coming down and you see the guards are getting closer to you. And one of the guards is pushing down this lever, the second guard behind him.
00:52:36
Speaker
He's got a bow and arrow. And he's going to try to snipe you in the in the face. All right. And he just rolled it that 20. Oh, no. Cool. Who's he shooting at? That is six damage to vexus. Always me.
00:53:03
Speaker
after he fucking shoots this arrow at you and he looks over and he's like, hey, just fucking stop the cart and we can murder you kindly, okay? No. No. And up next is Bruce. You said the cart's like right next to us?
00:53:23
Speaker
Yes, so you have a car right behind you that is slowing down. They're about 30 feet away from you. But if you guys take this action, this is going to be 60. They're going to end up being further because you had cast hideous laughter on the guy driving it. Okay, so I can use my action to make us go farther. Yeah. I'm going to do that. All right, so you guys take the dash action and now you guys are 90 feet in front of them.
00:53:52
Speaker
Next is going to be the next set of guards who are behind you guys. And they're slowing down from the hideous laughter. And the next guard is going to try to like, he's going to try to push past his buddy and press down the, the lever to get closer to you guys. But I'm going to say he's going to have disadvantage of trying to push his buddy because his buddy is just like all over the place laughing. He's got the fucking joker toxin in him right now.
00:54:22
Speaker
And he can't, he can't push his buddy out of the way yet. God is good. How often does he roll with some saving throw? Every time it's his turn. Okay. He failed again. Awesome. So he's laughing his fucking ass off. And he's like, he's fucking here. He said, eat it. And that's going to bring us to Axon.
00:54:49
Speaker
I'm going to hold my action for them to get within 10 feet of us. Right now they're pretty far. And you see you team he's like flying in front of you guys. And there's a guard chasing after him. And he's almost to where you guys are. He's gonna be like almost parallel to you on your on your left.
00:55:17
Speaker
And they're going to try to throw a throwing axe at Bruce. No. Oh. God, if only I was level two. Does a 10 hit? What if it matches? You have a 10? You have a 10? Yeah. Yeah, that hits. Wait, did you put your armor back on?
00:55:43
Speaker
what armor okay so this dude winds up throws his throwing axe at you and he kind of just clips your shoulder a little bit and he gets two points of damage on you what the fuck that fucking hurt bro what the fuck yeah just fucking stop it will kill you nicely it'll be mostly painless that sounds worse almost yeah
00:56:08
Speaker
I'd be better than getting a bunch of cuts and stuff. I'll just, just chop your fucking head off and they'll play, uh, play a little soccer with it. I don't like these woods. That's going to bring us to the top of the order and we are going to be with Noctifer again. I'm going to say a Vex hold on this lever so I can throw some fireballs or yeah, I can throw some fire at these motherfuckers.
00:56:35
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I'm gonna cancel my action Holding that dagger. I'm gonna put it back inside my sheath. I'm gonna turn and kind of switch positions with not for All right You guys switch positions you guys you can still have an action not for How far away are they now if we kept holding it down we should be like 90 feet now, right Yeah at this point so they
00:57:04
Speaker
They came up a little bit closer again, they also did the same action, so they're now again 30 feet. Okay. All right, I'm going to throw... I'm going to throw a Firebolt at them now. Okay. Thirteen. Thirteen hits. All right, cool. Five. All right. Do you hit the one controlling it, or you hit the one who's... I'm hitting the one controlling it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:57:33
Speaker
Okay, so you hit him with this fireball. And he's just like, oh, fuck. And he like lets go of it for a second. But he's able to like, just barely grab it and try to push it again. And he's faltering, but there's still about 30 feet behind you guys. And that's gonna bring us to Vexus. I'm grabbing that stick and I'm pressing that bitch. You guys, you guys are moving fucking fast. No brakes around here.
00:58:02
Speaker
The guy behind you goes to shoot another arrow at you and he completely fucking misses. He hits some of the wall that's on the side and some of the stone from the wall bounces into the tracks in front of them and slows them down a little bit because he just rolled in that one. Nice. And that's going to bring us to Bruce.
00:58:31
Speaker
Alright, so how close is the the cart next to me? The one that shot me or threw an axe at me? They're side by side with you right now. Alright, so I'm gonna hit him with a vicious mockery. Okay, so I'm gonna I'm gonna yell at him. Yeah, you little fucking bitch. How are you gonna fucking throw shit at me? Hi, you little fucking bitch. And he needs to make a wisdom saving throw. What's the wisdom saving throw? 13. Oh, we got a 14. Fuck.
00:59:03
Speaker
So what did you say to him with your ambitions? Yeah, you little fucking bitch, huh? Yeah, you're gonna fucking throw shit at me, you little bitch, you little weak bitch. Yeah, well, I mean, like, you're more of a bitch than I am, so fuck you. No, fuck you. No, fuck you. No, fuck you. No, fuck you. He's a child. And that's gonna make us to...
00:59:25
Speaker
to the guards that are behind you, the one with the hysterically laughing guy. And his buddy was finally able to manage to push him out of the way. And he started to push the lever, but they're getting real far back behind you guys. I think if they get any further back, they're going to end up losing you once you guys start or keep going. Can we still see Eugene? And at this point, they're like 100.
00:59:48
Speaker
Yeah, Eugene is pretty much just like since you guys have been taking the dash action pretty much every time. He's pretty much right in front of you guys. And that's going to bring us to. Excellent.
Combat and Canyon Escape
01:00:02
Speaker
Is there anything in the cart? Yes, there is a shit ton of mail. I'm going to take the biggest bushel of mail and I'm going to throw it on the track behind us. All right.
01:00:18
Speaker
You throw down this on the track behind you guys. And what that's going to do is going to end up slowing down them when they hit that. But you guys also did not take the dash action. So you guys are now slowing down a little bit. You guys are only going to hit about 30 feet instead of 60 feet. And if you guys don't take it again on the next one, you guys are going to end up stopping.
01:00:44
Speaker
And that's gonna bring us to another guard. So now that guard, that's directly parallel to you guys, pushes past you guys actually a little bit. And then the guy in the back, he's like, hey fucking buddy, fucking take this. And he throws another axe at Bruce. Does he hit? That's a nat 20. Oh, you got another 10.
01:01:15
Speaker
Let's see if he does any damage. He does three more damage. He hits the other shoulder. My fucking shoulders hurt. This is bullshit. We need to get rid of this man. He is fucking me up. That's going to bring us to Noctifer. I am going to aim at the same person that I aimed at last turn and throw another firebolt at him. All right. 12.
01:01:42
Speaker
Yep, a 12 just hits. Three damage. So you hit this guy with this fireball, and he lights on fire. And he's like, fuck! Oh, fuck! And he falls off of the track, burning up into a crisp. As you guys see that he's falling off into the track, you look down and you realize, you just, as you guys were going down, you guys are kind of like now over a open canyon.
01:02:10
Speaker
And there's absolutely, you can't even see the bottom of how far down it goes. And you just see this flaming dude going so far, so far down and it just keeps going. You don't, you don't see an end in sight. You just see. It's Balrog. It's funny in the back. It's just like, holy fucking shit. Oh no. Oh God.
01:02:38
Speaker
I imagine he did the Wilmhelm scream when he fell off. Or the Looney Toon fucking Goofy laugh like. That's exactly what it sounded like. And he as he falls down, the buddy in his in the car is now going to run over and try to go grab that lever and try to catch back up to you guys if you can.
01:03:08
Speaker
And the next person is going to be Vexus. So how close are we to Bruce and Axon? You guys are at this point 30 feet ahead of them since they didn't take the dash action on the last one. Okay. And what about the guy that keeps throwing Axes at Bruce? They're actually closer to you. So they're two tracks over.
01:03:37
Speaker
But there's a parallel with you. OK. Is there anything on like the walls or the ceiling that could potentially drop like a stone or anything onto their track? Yeah. Oh, investigation check. All right. Investigation. Seventeen. Nice.
01:04:03
Speaker
Yes you see there's actually a bunch of like stalagmites or stalactites whatever the fuck the one that's on the ceiling is stalagmite yeah kind of all over the place and if you do hit them I mean they'll drop onto the tracks all right yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna try and throw a dagger at stalagmite to try and hit that uh that cart that's parallel to them that's throwing axes at Bruce over there
01:04:33
Speaker
Alright, yeah, roll in attack roll. Okay, attack roll. It's not super hard to like beat a 10. Okay. Well, I rolled up 24. Oh, you fucking smoke that. So you you throw it and you don't even have to roll for damage. Like it's just it's a fucking piece of rock that you hit. So it falls down.
01:05:01
Speaker
It goes directly down into their cart and this so I might Falls down and Directly pierces the guy who's throwing the axe in the dome and goes through his body and he splits in half Yeah, fucking bitch. That's what you give. I hit my shoulders bitch. All I say is you're welcome Bruce Thanks Sam wise it's back there like
01:05:31
Speaker
That was fucking sweet. So next would be the guards that are right behind you. He grabs onto the lever trying to get closer to you. But at this point now, he's still about like 30 feet behind you. He hasn't been able to like catch up to you at all. And it's going to bring you to Bruce. Yeah, I'm going to dash.
01:06:02
Speaker
All right. You dash. And at this point, you are pretty much caught up with, uh, with Noctiver and Noctiver and Vexus and also Eugene. And there's one set of guard who's just like right behind Eugene and right behind Noctiver and Vexus.
01:06:28
Speaker
And there's just one guard holding down the levers trying to catch you guys, but there's no one able to throw anything at you guys. The other guards are way, the one on your tracker, way far behind you. And that's gonna bring us to axe on. I'm going to pull the axe out of Bruce and attempt to throw it at the guard that's holding down the levers.
01:06:57
Speaker
There's a 14 hit. Yes. You fucking get you're going to just pull shit out of me. God damn, that hurt. Get over it. It just I'm going to rip it out. No, no, no care for for his shoulder. Just rip it out and just eat that hoe perfectly. And I'm aiming for his for his nards. I'm going to let out a little squeal as he pulls it out. It's like a under two. There's two axes, right?
01:07:26
Speaker
Yeah, but I can only pull out one at a time. I'm not level five yet. No, you can throw as a bonus action. Yeah. So I'm going to eat that bitch for nine damage. You you sliced through his jugular. Let's fucking go. So at this point, there's really just one one guard left and he is going to slam on the brakes. He's like, fuck this. I'm not not doing this alone. All my friends are dead.
01:07:55
Speaker
And he's just gonna yell to you guys like, hey, we'll fucking get you. I swear to God, we're gonna fucking get you. You killed all my fucking friends. And- Something tells me that is not true. I'm gonna yell back and say, you can blame Thorn.
Successful Escape and Future Plans
01:08:15
Speaker
So you guys go down for a little bit longer and Eugene looks over at you guys and- Hey, we gotta stop over here.
01:08:26
Speaker
and he's gonna start pulling at the brakes. He's gonna look over and be like, hey, grab this rope. And he's gonna take a rope out of his cart and throw it over to Vexus and Noctifer. And now he's got like a rope all in between you and he's like, hey, hold on to this. And he gets onto this rope and he starts sliding down and he tells you guys to come follow him.
01:08:55
Speaker
I will follow. I follow. I get on that rope and I fucking s-hook that shit all the way down, baby. I fucking... I'm sliding down the rope so fast I fucking boink ax on on the head. My bad, brother. It's not the first time today I have carried your load. That is true. So you guys start shimmying your way down and...
01:09:24
Speaker
you guys get into kind of like this open mind that's in front of you and Eugene just looks over a follow me we're gonna go go to the boss and that's we're gonna end today's session
01:09:50
Speaker
Thank you for joining us on this thrilling adventure with the Legion of Dice.
Conclusion and Credits
01:09:55
Speaker
Our cast includes Zach Balter as Bruce, Matthew Jacobson as an Octopher, Chase Dixon as Axon, Kent Rawlings as Vexos, and myself, Dean Balter as your Dungeon Master. We extend our gratitude to our incredible Patreon subscribers whose support makes this podcast possible. A special shout out to Erin Burke, Austin, Anthony Rigo, Erica, and all of our amazing supporters.
01:10:19
Speaker
If you enjoy our content and want to help us continue creating more epic tales, consider becoming a Patreon subscriber at patreon.com slash Tactical Crits. You'll gain access to exclusive perks and bonus content. Follow us on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, YouTube, all at Tactical Crits, and join our Discord at Tactical Crit. Stay tuned for more thrilling adventures, and until next time, may your dice rolls be ever in your favor.
01:10:49
Speaker
you
01:11:22
Speaker
you