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Episode 26: Ewe and Me: A Shared Labor of Love and Loss
32 Plays11 months ago
In this tender and emotionally charged episode, I share the story of Frappe, one of our beloved ewes, and the difficult labor she recently went through. I found myself in the role of midwife—assisting in her birth process with trembling hands and a full heart. Despite all efforts, not all of the lambs survived, and the grief that followed cracked something open in me.
This experience brought me face-to-face with the sacred, often unseen weight we carry when we love and care deeply for animals. It wasn't just about tending to Frappe’s body—it was about witnessing her struggle, holding space for life and death in the same breath, and acknowledging the emotional bond that makes this kind of loss feel so profound.
I reflect on the beauty and heartbreak of this experience, how it touched my own body and spirit, and the healing that came from being supported and seen in the depths of that moment. This is a story about sacred service, shared pain, and the quiet wisdom of honoring life in all its forms.
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Transcript
Introduction and Avalon Trip Teaser
00:00:01
Valerie Vazquez
Aloha and welcome to sacred self love. I'm your hosting guide Valerie Vasquez. And if you listen to the previous episode, I did say I was going to take a sacred pause until I returned from Avalon.
00:00:14
Valerie Vazquez
However, i felt like I wanted to share this episode before I left and it is going to mainly be all about farm type things.
Farm Updates: Frappy the Sheep
00:00:26
Valerie Vazquez
So
00:00:30
Valerie Vazquez
On previous episodes, I also told you all about Frappy being pregnant due at any time. And so I'm going to tell you a little story about this special you, Frappy.
Beginnings in Sheep Farming
00:00:47
Valerie Vazquez
When we first moved to the farm in 2021, we had a couple that we met that had several herds of sheep.
00:00:58
Valerie Vazquez
And they were looking for places to have some of their herds because they didn't have enough land and us having seven acres of an orchard and not wanting to mow it all the time and understanding the benefits of having herding animals or herd animals on your land, helping to fertilize, helping to mow down and just repairing the land.
00:01:28
Valerie Vazquez
We said, sure, you can put your two herds on our land. They came in and they moved the sheep around and they took care of them completely.
Lessons in Boundaries and Communication
00:01:41
Valerie Vazquez
And there were some miscommunications and it was definitely a lot of lessons learned when you allow others to come on your land and don't really set up a lot of parameters.
00:01:55
Valerie Vazquez
You know, this was four years ago. So there, it was just kind of at the beginning of us really embarking on our journeys of learning how to set proper boundaries and communication.
00:02:12
Valerie Vazquez
So we learned a lot, but in the process, some of the ewes were pregnant and it was lambing season and Frappy
Frappy's Birth Story
00:02:24
Valerie Vazquez
was born.
00:02:25
Valerie Vazquez
And along with another twin. So she was a twin and her mother was having some issues with her labor. She was down on her side and not, and not able to really push frappy out.
00:02:42
Valerie Vazquez
And so that couple came in and helped assist and she was born and toweled her off and did all these things. And the mom ended up completely rejecting her. Like the mom.
00:02:55
Valerie Vazquez
pushed her away, didn't want anything to do with her. she had already bonded with the first lamb. And so at that point, you know, I was communicating with them that the mom was pushing lamb away and I have, what am I supposed to do?
00:03:11
Valerie Vazquez
And the response was nothing. That's just farming. And I was like, okay. so what is going to happen? And she was basically like, oh, and the the lamb will just die. And I was like, okay.
00:03:33
Valerie Vazquez
So at that stage, you know, we were really new to everything.
Becoming Frappy's Surrogate Mother
00:03:38
Valerie Vazquez
And again, these were not our sheep. And So all I could hear was this baby lamb crying and crying in the orchard.
00:03:49
Valerie Vazquez
And i was telling Chad, can't do this. Like I can't sit here and listen to this baby animal just suffer. That's not going to work for me.
00:04:03
Valerie Vazquez
And so I called or I texted, it doesn't matter. um The one of the the people that has a goat farm And I was like, Hey, I have a lamb that's been rejected. do you have colostrum? Do you like, what do I do? And the couple said, if you want to take on the responsibility of baby feeding this lamb, then it'll be yours.
00:04:34
Valerie Vazquez
And I was like, that's great. I just can't have this baby die on my land without me trying to do anything. So we We took Frappy out and we gave her her first bottle. And from then on, i was her mom.
00:04:50
Valerie Vazquez
I literally took her in the house with me while I was making bottles because the cute thing about a lamb is they will follow you around and really truly believe that they are your mom if you are the one that feeds them and cares for them. So I i was a lamb mommy. And I did find myself kind of going into that mom, like that mom mode after I know I didn't birth her, but I felt very much like, you know, bottle feeding this baby four times a day and really checking on her.
00:05:26
Valerie Vazquez
It was a whole new thing. It was
Bonding with Frappy and Other Lambs
00:05:28
Valerie Vazquez
beautiful. it was also difficult, but we had the space and time to take care of this baby lamb. And so I'm telling you all this story so that you can understand, like, there is an emotional attachment with this sheep, with this you.
00:05:47
Valerie Vazquez
She was really the first baby I had ever taken care of that was an animal besides my own babies, of course, my own human babies. But this was the first time I really like, you know, had stepped into this. We were still new on the farm. And then, of course, came a along faith and fancy that were also rejected. And at that point, the couple just flat out asked us if we wanted to take it on since we were already doing one. And of course, we said yes, because, yeah, I just I can't let babies die without doing something.
00:06:23
Valerie Vazquez
And so we raised these three bottle babies and they have been with us for almost four years.
00:06:34
Valerie Vazquez
And they have been wonderful. We've had a great bond with them. Sheep are just such amazing animals and they're so sweet and so loving. And so I wanted to tell you that again, so that you could understand, i do have an emotional attachment to frappy.
00:06:55
Valerie Vazquez
And when she has been pregnant and I've been watching her, she was so extremely large.
Frappy's Labor Begins
00:07:05
Valerie Vazquez
I knew that she was having multiple babies.
00:07:10
Valerie Vazquez
I knew there were multiple lambs and Over the course of the last week, you know, watching her, i was just like her expected due date.
00:07:24
Valerie Vazquez
She surpassed that. And then i could see that her udders were extremely engorged and she had dropped. And it was like, okay, any day now, any day now, any day now. And she started having the early stages of labor of, she stands up and she's, you know, moving her body and she's stretching and she's doing all of these things. And I'm like, okay, anytime now, anytime now, come on girl.
00:07:53
Valerie Vazquez
And And I'm really going to do my best not to go into the whole story of this so that it's not like extremely long. But it was very apparent one evening. i was like, she's going tonight. There's no way that her body is not going to go into labor tonight. And we you know saw the mucus plug come out days before. so was like, there's no way.
Challenges During Frappy's Labor
00:08:18
Valerie Vazquez
So, of course, that night around 2 a.m., I said, I got to go out there and check on her. I just feel like I really need to go out and check on her. and sure enough, she was alone under a tree laying on her side. She was contracting.
00:08:39
Valerie Vazquez
and she was like in this complete daze. And I checked her and I didn't see anything. it didn't look like there was anything coming out or, you know, and so i was like, I'm just gonna like stay back, but there's no way I'm gonna leave the orchard. So to speed the story up, it's very apparent that her cervix was not dilating fully.
00:09:07
Valerie Vazquez
It's something called ring womb in sheep and ewes. And By the time that, I mean, I was just watching this poor girl strain and contract and strain and contract.
00:09:22
Valerie Vazquez
And something you have to understand about Big Island is there are not a lot of vets here. It's a lot different than the mainland.
00:09:34
Valerie Vazquez
So I couldn't. call a vet, you know, in the middle of the night. And even if I tried to call a vet, I doubt most don't even make, um want to say house calls. Yeah, they don't really come. So I just had read and done a lot of research and, and knew the signs to watch for. And so this poor girl was pushing and contracting and pushing and contracting for hours and nothing was happening and then finally once i started to see a water bag coming out hours later i was like okay here we go i know this is her first time and i know that she is you know yeah first time and there's multiples and so and she's a little bit older
00:10:29
Valerie Vazquez
So I was just trying to be very patient and trying to keep myself grounded so that I wasn't projecting my fear that I have to step in and do something. But so her water bag was finally coming out.
00:10:41
Valerie Vazquez
This is like at five something in the morning. and I was like, okay, well, we're doing it. So after the water bag came out and then I saw another generally ah lamb.
00:10:57
Valerie Vazquez
should be born within 30 to 45 minutes, maybe an hour because it's her first time. But that's usually the progression from what my understanding was. And over an hour later, she still did not, was not presenting a lamb.
00:11:15
Valerie Vazquez
And so I was like, okay, this is getting at this point
The Birth and Loss of Lambs
00:11:20
Valerie Vazquez
concerning.
00:11:23
Valerie Vazquez
And then finally i saw that she was like kind of pushing and a little lamb was coming in and then it was going out it was coming in and then it was going out. And then she was able to push and just kind of stopped.
00:11:38
Valerie Vazquez
And this like little lamb was kind of hanging out. So i went in and I assisted and I removed the first lamb. And unfortunately it was stillborn. It was extremely tiny, but it was absolutely precious.
00:11:57
Valerie Vazquez
And once I helped remove that baby, then she kind of got up and went over and laid down and I could tell she was starting the second round of another baby coming out.
00:12:11
Valerie Vazquez
And I allowed her and just, you know, was hoping that she could do this one But also that part of me inside was like, okay, the first one was already not alive.
00:12:24
Valerie Vazquez
And the second one, okay, I'm just going to wait. But I could just tell she was having so, so much problems. Like she was just contracting and contracting. It's like nothing was happening. And And so I assisted with the second, which this is normal when ah sheep has multiple babies that sometimes they have issues.
00:12:49
Valerie Vazquez
so I assisted with the second and i you know, pulled this baby out and oh my gosh, it was alive. And I was just so grateful. So I, you know, moved the baby up to her face so that she could smell it and she could know it was there. And she immediately perked up and just started licking the baby, licking the baby, which is what they're supposed to do is they lick all the amnia the amniotic sac and fluids off of the baby, help clean them. It also helps them warm up.
00:13:22
Valerie Vazquez
It makes a bond between the mama and the baby. And so she was doing that and doing that. And then she just collapsed and just laid down.
00:13:33
Valerie Vazquez
And the little lamb was like trying to stand up because their instinct is to go over and find milk so that that's their instinct. But she was just laying there like very out of it.
00:13:49
Valerie Vazquez
So I attached or I brought the little lamb over to her, utter her, her teeth, and i I put it on there and he suckled a little bit. And then i was like, I know this girl is tired. I've been watching her for days.
00:14:03
Valerie Vazquez
So I went back to the house. I grabbed some bananas. i grabbed some B vitamins and brought, I gave her the banana and she like popped up immediately and was like,
00:14:17
Valerie Vazquez
licking the baby again. And so I gave her B vitamins and gave her a drink of water. And then she was just licking the baby and licking the baby. And I just let her recover for a while. i didn't try to do much more, even though I recognized at that point, I was in a state of survival.
00:14:38
Valerie Vazquez
You know, it was like, I was relieved, but I was also in a state of survival after that whole night. And And after she licked him up, he was trying to nurse, but she was still laying down. So I tried to coax her to get up just so that he could actually really get on her udder. And she, you know, her leg was shaking, but I gave her multiple bananas because I just wanted to get her fueled up. And then she stood up and was doing much better. And he was suckling. They were making a beautiful bond. i could tell, i could see that the afterbirth was like hanging out out of her.
00:15:18
Valerie Vazquez
And so I was like, okay, that's that means there was two babies as far as I know. Again, this is my first time doing this. Two babies and her afterbirth is coming out.
00:15:31
Valerie Vazquez
And so I was like, I personally knew i needed to go shower, have a little bite to eat, and just sit there for a while with myself because it looked like everything was good.
00:15:45
Valerie Vazquez
But that's not where the story ends. So then Chad had to leave. He had something and he came back home. That's a whole nother thing that I had to be like, I'm doing this on my own, but that's okay.
00:16:01
Valerie Vazquez
It all worked out. was actually good for me to have the space and the, the knowing of, of how to go without having anyone else there.
00:16:13
Valerie Vazquez
um
00:16:16
Valerie Vazquez
So he wanted to see the baby. So we went out and Frappy was laying back down on her side. I noticed that she had passed the placenta and I was like, okay, that's so good because you know, you want that to happen.
00:16:31
Valerie Vazquez
But she was still laying down on her side. And I was like, what are you doing, girl? You know that your baby's standing up and kind of walking around. And usually moms don't want their babies to be anywhere but with them.
00:16:45
Valerie Vazquez
And then I noticed that she contracted again. And I was like, oh, my gosh, honey, she's contracting again. He's like, no way. Yeah. And so I looked at her backside and she had hooves coming out.
00:16:59
Valerie Vazquez
And I could tell they were not the right way. They were backwards. So she so i assisted time. this last little lamb that came out backwards and she was also not alive. She was stillborn.
00:17:17
Valerie Vazquez
So that was
00:17:24
Valerie Vazquez
ah really difficult, difficult labor for that sweet girl frappy. I mean, i just felt for her so much. I'm just so grateful that she was able to to have one of the lambs out of the three.
00:17:44
Valerie Vazquez
And then
00:17:47
Valerie Vazquez
I really had to recognize in myself how difficult emotionally it was for me. I know that a lot of people who are, have lived on farms and who grew up on farms and have assisted with births can just be like, oh, that's farming.
00:18:12
Valerie Vazquez
And yeah, it is. As you've heard in previous episodes, we have had many, we've had many an animal and bird deaths because when you have the amount of animals, you see more of the natural life cycles of birth and death.
00:18:34
Valerie Vazquez
But I really had to
00:18:38
Valerie Vazquez
honor the emotions i felt and the way that my body responded going into survival itself.
00:18:50
Valerie Vazquez
And so I've cried a lot and I've, you know, I've done the thing where, when you go through something that is traumatic,
00:19:06
Valerie Vazquez
how you replay things in your mind and wonder if you could have done things differently or all of the things that can happen in a situation that does pertain to life or death.
00:19:20
Valerie Vazquez
And I just really had to allow myself to know that it's okay. Obviously, Frappy went through something way harder than I did, but that was a hard situation for me.
Emotional Reflection and Self-Compassion
00:19:38
Valerie Vazquez
It did
00:19:42
Valerie Vazquez
put me into a state that was, yeah, I've said it, literally survival. it It put me there, and I haven't felt that in a very long time, lack of sleep,
00:19:58
Valerie Vazquez
worrying, assisting in labor, having to bury two dead lambs. Um, it was a lot, you know, and I'm giving myself compassion for that.
00:20:13
Valerie Vazquez
And also for just being able to also recognize what I needed to do for myself.
00:20:28
Valerie Vazquez
I had a hard time sleeping, so i did multiple breathing and then breath work sessions to just allow myself to really you know get into my body. and i When I was rehearsing things in my head, I had to say, stop.
00:20:49
Valerie Vazquez
Stop doing that. <unk>s That's not going to help you. Everything worked out the way it did, and it's okay. And I want to also say that I am very grateful to
00:21:04
Valerie Vazquez
friends of mine who were able to not only
00:21:13
Valerie Vazquez
They were able to understand how hard the situation was for both crappy and myself, and they were able to give nurturing and loving support to me and the grief that i also had to go through
Compassion and Honoring Life in Farming
00:21:32
Valerie Vazquez
for this. So thank you for listening today.
00:21:38
Valerie Vazquez
if you ever find yourself in a situation where you have animals or any of the things that go on in your life that puts stress onto you
00:21:59
Valerie Vazquez
Also give yourself the love and the nurturing and surround yourself by people who won't just bypass it as, oh, that's just farming or not consider your feelings too.
00:22:11
Valerie Vazquez
Because if you're on this journey and you really are in tune with the depths of how all lives are important from the tiniest animals to the flat, everything in, in life is precious.
00:22:34
Valerie Vazquez
Everything is precious. And really learning to honor that and
00:22:43
Valerie Vazquez
and just not turning your heart hard.
00:22:51
Valerie Vazquez
It's important.
00:22:54
Valerie Vazquez
And I know that many of you that listen have your precious animals and you would do as much as possible to help them thrive and survive.
00:23:07
Valerie Vazquez
So yeah, i am sending you all so much love.
Conclusion and Future Shares from Avalon
00:23:12
Valerie Vazquez
I leave for my trip on Monday to see Chloe and then on to Avalon.
00:23:19
Valerie Vazquez
There is so much more going on in my life right now that I'm not quite ready to share about, but once I truly process through how to share how to share it from a place of complete love and understanding, i will.
00:23:40
Valerie Vazquez
And I'm excited for my trip to Avalon to meet the dragons and Faye and all of the magic that will be there.
00:23:53
Valerie Vazquez
So sending you all love and aloha.