Transcript
Speaker: Hey, hey. You're listening to the Let's Heal Already podcast for the sometimes impatient, sometimes cranky person doing some healing. And I'm your host. JR. I'm an author, actor, and speaker from Far Rockaway, New York. And on this podcast, you'll hear me cover ground on a variety of topics from mental wellness and emotional literacy. to blackness. to masculinity and femininity. to ending misogyny and patriarchy. To last but not least... bisexuality, and ending sexual shame.
Speaker: Here's a quick announcement. My new book is available for pre -order now.
Speaker: Dear Bimen, a Black man's perspective on power, consent, breaking down binaries, and combating erasure is being published by North Atlantic Books and distributed by Penguin Random House. This book is a powerful resource for Black Bimen to reclaim their identity, counter biphobia, and get empowered, and an offering to all readers looking to thwart the erasure and dehumanization wrought by patriarchy. The anticipated publishing date is April 16th, 2024, but you can pre -order it now.
Speaker: Also, Sometimes Impatient merch for people who are working on it is now available too. We got tote bags, t -shirts, hoodies, and pillows. Lastly, we have Patreon. If you like the podcast as is, there's way more in -depth podcast episodes and other goodies over on my Patreon. Tap in.
Speaker: What up, what up? Back at it again with another episode of the Let's Heal Already podcast. It's been a while, okay? And I have announcements, but before we get into all of that and into the episode, I'm going to start us off with... the journal prompt question of this week.
Speaker: Have you ever? had a change or shift in identity. For example, going from a childless person to becoming a parent.
Speaker: or going from a student to now you have a certification or degree or now you're a professor. You're a teacher. Have you ever had a change in identity?
Speaker: And if so... What kinds of things did you learn? about your former identity? What kinds of things did you learn about yourself? During the process.
Speaker: and reflecting on where you are now. What are some of... The... benefits of this new identity and what are some of the maybe constraints of really holding on to this new identity as a degree holder or as a parent or now a professor.
Speaker: Yeah, I think that's a pretty good one. Okay, so we are at the season three. finale episode of the Let's Heal Already. podcast and I'm gonna give you some updates as to where I've been So...
Speaker: If I'm keeping it a stack I've been on Patreon. I've been with my patrons, with my babies. My babies, they take care of me and they have been holding me up for these last couple of... months years and uh i already have like 50 episodes up on patreon so please tap in uh record An episode.
Speaker: Every two weeks or like at least two Patreon episodes per month over there. so they see me a lot more regularly. Then... here. and um Yeah, i've I've been able to get. more personal on patreon because i think with this platform it be in public and everything you know i think initially especially my focus and goal was just like you know psychoeducation or a place to Talk about.
Speaker: Some of the things that I was learning, whether that be by reading or in therapy or just. throughout my life for wellness spaces. And um... I feel like.
Speaker: I do sometimes go in depth. but um I also make it so that Anybody could. kind of understand and follow. Whereas with Patreon...
Speaker: I don't feel those limitations You know, I go wherever my mind wants to go. So yeah, so... ah That's where I've been I've been on patreon And also, I was in school. I just graduated in May, and now I am a certified data analyst. so Yeah, this is really cool. um the world of tech the world of programming languages and
Speaker: all of that stuff, business, marketing. um yeah i am learning more every day And... That's where I've been. It took me about a year and a half to graduate from school.
Speaker: and i thought it was going to take much faster because this is self -paced but um No, I don't. I didn't have any experience in. this world prior to going to school for it so um Yeah, I had to...
Speaker: be a beginner again and that was really really really humbling i feel like I've had this idea of myself. this identity. Ooh. of like oh i'm smart right?
Speaker: And, um... I think that When you're good in... a particular area or particular areas Um... It is good to it's good for your self -esteem and your self -concept to.
Speaker: Rely on your strengths, you know but I think that when you do that at the expense of Growing. your weaknesses or your areas where you just don't No.
Speaker: Um... It's stifling. you limit your opportunities and Being a student again is like so important.
Speaker: Yeah, I had so much Sort of like come up. for me while um in school like i just remembered so many of my brilliant professors and teachers.
Speaker: people who inspired me to keep learning and people who were gentle with me and um patient and stuff like that and so being in school was really nice it was it was cool it was very hard though Um... Another update is I am finally out of the service industry.
Speaker: That feels good to say that feels good to say And my book is now available. Which is like... What? Book number two, baby.
Speaker: yeah Yeah, my book is now available. It's been available for the last two years. And um... yeah it's been it's been ah a ride it's been a wonderful journey and um lots of speaking engagements and um Yeah, it's been it's been very cool.
Speaker: Also... Sometimes impatient merch. for people who are working on it. is available. Yeah. Just... click one of the links. Click one of the links in the description and you will see what I'm talking about.
Speaker: Huh. So I guess... You know this season I've been talking about. identity, right? The theme for this season has been identity.
Speaker: And, um... i guess i wanted to just kind of discuss where i'm at now With the fashion piece. of identity um i guess Now, so I recently moved into a different apartment and This room is a lot smaller than my last one so that means I had to be really intentional about what I keep, what I get rid of.
Speaker: And... one of the features of my new room. Are these like? Pipes. like decorative pipes, but also They have utility. right and so I hang my clothes on the pipe.
Speaker: because the closet is really small. And so the pipe... the The pipes run. along the 4. length of my room.
Speaker: And so... Um... I get to see my clothes. all the time and so when I first moved in I really had to really be real with myself like okay Which of these clothes do I feel my best in? Which of these clothes do I really feel like myself in?
Speaker: which of these clothes look nice on me but i'm just not i don't know something about the fit or something about the style or whatever is just not speaking to me and with Some of those clothes in in the ladder What I was able to do for a lot of them was to I have like a A bin?
Speaker: Where all of my acting clothes go so whenever I have to record a self -tape or go in physically for an audition. I go through those. Clothes in that bin. So for example, I have a shirt in there that looks like a working shirt like um, like a a mechanics shirt Right.
Speaker: I have a shirt in there that's like a button up and it's something maybe a teacher would wear. I have... a white lab coat in there so i have like these sort of like pieces that would help a casting director.
Speaker: Help a producer. really envision me. as whatever role I'm trying to step into. And so I felt like that was like a great use of.
Speaker: these clothes that Yeah, I think this looks good on me, but I don't exactly feel like. myself in them. You know? So that's what I did with most of them. I also gave some of them away to certain people in my life. Like, oh, I think this would look really good on you.
Speaker: Or, oh, like... Do you like this shirt? Because I'm about to get rid of it. You know? That's what I do with a lot of my pieces and um Yeah, I think um what I'm going to keep doing is just keep refining my style.
Speaker: and And I recognize that I really like individuality, yes, but also I like variety. And so... Yeah, I'm going to keep refining and keep. um Keep at it. and Also keep in mind that The world is a stage and all of this is a performance and none of these.
Speaker: physical items can really... fully describe who I am. You know. you know what i'm saying like They can maybe get close, but... ah They don't really, I mean, it's just clothes, right?
Speaker: It's just clothes as pieces of fabric. and Yeah, I mean... should definitely wear what you want and It can be fun. Bring back the fun Make dressing fun again. Yeah, so...
Speaker: Yeah, I don't know. It's not that serious. It is serious, but it's not.
Speaker: So, yeah, I just wanted to spend this episode wrapping up this season. Right where the theme has been identity and not wanting to be beholden to any one particular.
Speaker: identity. Yeah. Um... I think that... I understand. More?
Speaker: about what I meant. When I said those things. I think at the time it was just really important. for me to
Speaker: kind of constantly be growing and expanding and I think. From a pretty early age like 13 or 14 when I first started acting I kind of...
Speaker: Saw. Identity. As utility identity. as a tool and... There is something About. acting that really lends itself to that idea that you can take off and put on these sort of different identities or Um... points of view.
Speaker: And...
Speaker: acting has helped. me so much. um makes sense of people. of other people and the world. And. different points of view.
Speaker: And I think. That me. Talking about not wanting to be beholden to one. any one particular identity had. A lot to do with that.
Speaker: And a lot to do with not wanting to be. caged in and also not wanting to be Sort of um... seen as this product.
Speaker: which like contradictor Contra... Contra... Really?
Speaker: Contradictory. Ironically. Which, ironically... Acting really lends itself to, especially acting for TV and film. it.
Speaker: says that you are a product. It does put you in a box. So... um Yeah, I guess like that's like really. complicated or maybe it's just one of those like contradictions that is that life is full of.
Speaker: Right. this one thing like acting this this one source of um sort of freedom in a way. is also at the same time simultaneously the the very thing or one of the very things in my day -to -day life that put me in this sort of like box.
Speaker: Right? Marketing. What's your type? Who are you most like? Who are your peers?
Speaker: Yeah. it's It's... It's a tricky one. is a tricky one. I guess it's like... Take what you can. Right? Leave the rest.
Speaker: And also as utility, I do like the idea of. Well, what do ah what does this moment need from me? or what is available to me. to be or to do in this moment.
Speaker: And more. often than not, there are many. different things. Available to me. That. the moment could call for or does call for.
Speaker: And um I guess it's like that flexibility. is also very attractive to me.
Speaker: Okay, so now we're going to move into this next part of the episode. Which is... the appropriation of yoga and aspects of Eastern culture.
Speaker: Don't you just love how that sounds?
Speaker: doesn't that just sound so light and fun and Something you want to run toward. i've been hinting at this talking about this bringing it it up all throughout the season um Because this is something that is...
Speaker: very pervasive in wellness spaces. that i've been a part of for what 15 years now or something like that And, um...
Speaker: It is... Sometimes really disturbing and sometimes really harmful. Which I will get to in a second.
Speaker: I did want to talk about. A term. In Buddhism. cold. Anata? which is disidentifying with identity. which is What I've been talking about all this season.
Speaker: And... um I wanted to talk about. things like Spiritual bypassing. End. Power.
Speaker: In healing spaces, power imbalances, rather. and healing spaces. So, the definition of Anatta in Buddhism. is the doctrine of non -self.
Speaker: That no unchanging Personal. permanent self exists. and is the absence of essence in any phenomena. While often interpreted as a doctrine denying the existence of a self,
Speaker: Anatha is more accurately described as a strategy to attain non -attachment. by recognizing everything as impermanent. While staying silent on the ultimate existence,
Speaker: of an unchanging essence. Okay. So that has a lot of nuance to it that was just a very quick like Wikipedia definition And um...
Speaker: Yeah, I think ah I've been really drawn into this. word and term and and concept. And in conversation, really, with this.
Speaker: or my understanding, my limited understanding of this. um maybe thinking bigger as like Humanity. as a a wave.
Speaker: Right. And all of our lives as like a wave. That's... Something that I... recently read in no bad parts by Richard Schwartz.
Speaker: And um it seems as though... There are some similarities between that. And when I think about This in terms of myself. I guess. maybe part of Myself.
Speaker: Yeah, I didn't want to be. restricted by Identity. Right. and I talked about the... Utilization or The ways that you can.
Speaker: Use identity as a tool. but Perhaps a part of me was also... interested in running from. the responsibility that is inherent. to Identity.
Speaker: What do I mean by that? i guess it's kind of like you know when you have a community that you belong to yeah you can reap the benefits and the rewards of being a part of a community or just the mental physiological sort of um Um...
Speaker: consequences of being part of a community But you can forsake. The responsibility that comes with being part of a community. Being part of a community requires for you to...
Speaker: Show up. and for Others to need you and for you to need the community. It requires energy. and resources and time.
Speaker: and consideration. And so I don't know, I guess I wonder about if like a part of me was also. you know, wanting to shirk some responsibility.
Speaker: That would... that is inherent to identifying with one particular identity In addition to everything else I've said about it feeling restrictive. Light conversation.
Speaker: for The afternoon.
Speaker: Okay, let's define spiritual bypassing first of all. Spiritual bypassing. It means that you are using spiritual ideas.
Speaker: to avoid dealing with tough emotions or Problems. And this is very obviously a defense mechanism.
Speaker: It can stop you from growing because it hides bad feelings instead of. facing and fixing them. Think. No bad vibes. Um...
Speaker: Think. When, um... oh there's this song um on scissor's album sos and she's talking to this um spiritual leader and she's like I've been feeling really small. And I've been feeling really alone. and um How do I, like...
Speaker: I don't know how to... handle this i don't know how to feel i don't know how to handle feeling small and alone And the spiritual leader goes on to say, Well, when you're alone you're free.
Speaker: So you're so lucky. And it's like...
Speaker: Because this sounds helpful. To some people, right? She said I feel small. I feel alone, I feel small I feel insignificant.
Speaker: And... Then it's this like reframe of oh, well when you're alone, you're free. No I want to talk about feeling small. and that hurting. So, yeah, um I think that.
Speaker: Part of this is labeling certain feelings as good or good or bad right I think that I've seen a lot of Um...
Speaker: spiritual bypassing in wellness spaces as it relates to Having needs from other people. Um... For example... when you are Walking down the street, you know a need that we might have from each other from strangers is that We don't go running into each other. So maybe. You stay on this side of the sidewalk and I stay on this side.
Speaker: or when I'm on the bus or the train. And I find a seat. Maybe a need I have is for people to respect my space and not sit on top of me. Right? And.
Speaker: I know I'm using these examples that are very like... plane. And, like... yeah duh of course you're not supposed to run into me or sit on top of me on a train or bus But I guess I'm using them to illustrate that we do in fact have needs from strangers from other people.
Speaker: that maybe we're not always aware of, or maybe we feel like is it should be second nature to everyone. But what often happens is when someone doesn't. Um...
Speaker: sort of fulfill these needs that we have in those very. sort of black and white situations that I just mentioned. We notice it right away. Can you believe that they just stepped on my foot? Can you believe that this? person ran into me didn't even say sorry or excuse me What?
Speaker: Like... Yeah. And so... What I notice is in a lot of spiritual spaces is that. there is this labeling of Good and bad.
Speaker: You're bad for needing things or wanting things from your partner. or from a teacher or from a classmate or from so from someone who You have regular interactions with you're you're bad for wanting sort of regular uh just healthy respectful exchange And you're good if you don't. If you suppress those needs and you say you don't have those needs.
Speaker: Right? Oh, I don't need anything from you. I'll get it from God. Oh, I don't need anything from you. I'll i'll look at myself and and figure out what it is within myself that.
Speaker: It's being demanding. of you. You know what I mean?
Speaker: And, um... I think that this often leads to disconnection. I think that spiritual bypassing often feels like gaslighting. um minimizing of people's emotional experience and very obviously social and um
Speaker: different sort of um aspects of oppression. It really minimizes a lot of those things. And um... As it relates to power in healing spaces, I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea.
Speaker: of acknowledging. Power imbalances. And um... I don't think that people are always very good at it. um I remember.
Speaker: I was in this... seminar or yeah like seminar workshop conference type thing. And um... The leader of the seminar who.
Speaker: was in charge of a billion dollar budget, more than a billion dollars.
Speaker: This is just making me laugh. Huh? Um... She basically said that me and her are the same. Um... because me as an artist
Speaker: A starving artist might I add. who If I showed you my tax returns, if I showed you my... um w Is it W2 or W4? My W4s.
Speaker: I... we are not the same Okay. We are not. No, we're not. And... And there's this sort of like flattening and there's this non -acknowledgement of.
Speaker: Power. and power imbalance and influence that you might have over a room if you are a person who is in charge of um um a multi -billion dollar sort of investment or budget.
Speaker: um there is a level of power that you now have. That is not comparable to someone who makes under $50 ,000 a year. um um along like sort of financial lines and also career certain career lines Now, if you want to start to talk about other things, maybe like. gender or race.
Speaker: or sexuality or immigrant status or other things. you know, that Now... will sort of um maybe deepen or change aspects of the conversation but Just because you are oppressed in... on one axis of identity.
Speaker: That does not erase. the level of pain. power and access that you have. on a very Sort of important level very sort of important plane we live in a World driven by money.
Speaker: And. um Money is extremely important in this world that we live in. And um... If you have a lot of it, then... um It obviously doesn't erase.
Speaker: other aspects of where you might be oppressed. But it definitely puts you in a definite ah different category than... people who do not have as much money. As you do.
Speaker: So, yeah. um I feel like acknowledging power imbalances. It's hard and tricky. And I think a lot of people get really defensive because they think that to acknowledge.
Speaker: an area or areas where you have power it means that you are bad it labels you as bad Says that. People who experience oppression are are good, automatically good. And people who...
Speaker: benefit from oppression or have an imbalance of power in their favor are automatically bad. um And, um... I... I think that is very reductionist.
Speaker: or reductive. Um... Yeah. Very reductive. Okay, I'm wrapping up now. I included... three different articles into Or actually like four.
Speaker: Yeah, i I included like four different articles into the description and I definitely recommend you. taking a look at them and and reading them. But... There was one article that really stood out to me because this topic that i've been covering And that has been on my mind for some time now.
Speaker: I feel like it really got to... The real meat and potatoes of what I've been. so, um disgruntled by And um that is individualism and neoliberalism.
Speaker: And this comes from the LA Times. COVID adds to California wellness. QAnon problem. So. Under individualism and neoliberalism,
Speaker: There comes... This. Ideal. of self -reliance Traditional communal duties are replaced. by the idea. that personal health.
Speaker: Wealth. and destiny are entirely up to the individual. Now you see this all throughout wellness spaces. You see this all throughout.
Speaker: Um... Spiritual Communities And... That is a product of... our environment. of the united states of the west of the privatization of a lot of um Things that are.
Speaker: communal and Um... are for the Betterment of. communities and and peoples. And it's a very pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality.
Speaker: Which... I see as corrosive to interpersonal connections and um to... Growth. And um...
Speaker: expansion in terms of um in terms of how we connect with each other There's also blaming the victim. systemic social and political problems are reframed as personal failures to maintain inner peace.
Speaker: or proper hygiene. You see this a lot in wellness spaces. Blaming the victim, the person who voices uh, a need or a complaint is seen as the problem.
Speaker: It makes people uncomfortable. and If you or what you're saying makes people uncomfortable, they're automatically... Means that people will label you as bad Even if you're bringing up something that would help and benefit.
Speaker: and make the space. safer for a lot more people. There's the commodification and conspirituality. So there's the stripping of context.
Speaker: Practices are turned into lifestyle commodities sold by influencers. detaching them from social justice or collective care. And you see this. I would say primarily um like this is one of the big big things that you see in wellness spaces um especially ones led by white people, especially ones um, that are popular among white people or have a majority white clientele.
Speaker: There is that stripping of context and it's not just, oh. handle stress better and and and overcome these systemic barriers.
Speaker: What happened to collective action? What happened to collective? Education. collective mobilization. What happened to that? What happened to...
Speaker: What happened to... like We have a race problem. We have a gender problem. We have a this problem. Let's do the work.
Speaker: What happened to that? rather than the person experiencing the harm. having to overcome and persevere. And last but not least.
Speaker: Conspiratorial thinking. distrust in public health and government authority, Easily enter spaces that prioritize natural. Purity. and alternative.
Speaker: Lifestyles. Now I would say this one is I guess, complex. um or or multiple things are true at once.
Speaker: Um... It is true that... um You see a lot. among like wellness spaces. Plant based spaces, things like that. You definitely see a huge mistrust of government, but for a lot of communities, especially black communities, especially.
Speaker: LGBTQ plus communities. There is... Evidence. ongoing historical one -off um Continuation series sequences.
Speaker: of evidence. where the government where certain scientists where certain organizations have Acted.
Speaker: egregiously. have Deceived. have put people at risk, have killed people, have... mutilated have worked on, experimented on.
Speaker: certain communities. Right.
Speaker: And so... A lot of. people from these groups. Have legitimate. concerns, legitimate fears. Have legitimate. Reason.
Speaker: not to trust. Right. And um I think that for me. The ways that I have navigated this is by trying to learn as much as I possibly can from different sources from learning how to...
Speaker: Recognize. A good source? from a bad source. and accredited. source from a non -accredited source. how to recognize What?
Speaker: this information that I'm consuming will help. me to do or help me not to do. What kind of conclusions? A lot of people who are consuming the same information as me are coming to.
Speaker: what the blind spots are. um The other day a friend of mine said something about Um, seitan.
Speaker: And... I have been a vegetarian for like 11 years now. and um I've had seitan before, had it a couple times, good. depending on you know how it's prepared season, all of that.
Speaker: um But they said something that I didn't know for sure. And so. I just listened to what they had to say. And then I went and... looked it up. And I've read a couple of different articles from different sources that are. accredited that are Um...
Speaker: Sort of like trustworthy, if you will. And... I then started to learn more. And I came back to the conversation and I'll let them know.
Speaker: Hey, like Some of what you said. Um... was true, but some of it was not true actually. um this is what a lot of the science is saying this is what happens to food.
Speaker: when and it it is exposed to high temperatures. This is what happens to certain acids or certain vitamins. Um...
Speaker: And... It is nuanced. It is not just a one and done. And I think that's kind of like. The way I've had to approach a lot of this stuff, right?
Speaker: um Because... This time... It can be complex. And if you don't.
Speaker: Humble yourself enough to learn. then it's it'll be easy to just make. Sort of blanket statements? Even if it's for sort of good reasons, even it's it if it's to protect you and protect your family.
Speaker: It's still like... I see you making a huge blanket. sort of statement That is not true. You know? And that's part of how, like, miseducation spreads.
Speaker: Right? People often have really good intentions, but... Um...
Speaker: It's not just about intentions.
Speaker: Lastly, I read a book. called No bad parts. by Richard Schwartz. And...
Speaker: In the book, he talks about liberation healing. and the contradictions present. while still existing under capitalism.
Speaker: And um...
Speaker: I... Think this is one of the parts of life That um. Like the contradictions of life. Right.
Speaker: existing under... Capitalism. And... Engaging or trying to engage in liberation healing. So liberation healing or liberation therapy is an approach to mental health.
Speaker: that centers social justice. Decolonization. and collective healing. Rather than viewing distress as something that only lives inside the individual,
Speaker: this lens of liberation, healing, liberation therapy. acknowledges the real impact of systems. racism, sexism. ableism, fatphobia, capitalism, and more.
Speaker: on our emotional and psychological wellbeing. At its core. Liberation Therapy asks, What if the problem isn't just inside of you?
Speaker: but around you. 2.
Speaker: And like, honestly, I just feel like. That...
Speaker: Only makes sense. Like... That approach really only makes sense for the world that we currently live in. or that I currently live in. I don't mean anything else for me feels like.
Speaker: Gaslighting. Feels like spiritual bypassing, 100%. And um I think that to learn something like. Liberation healing. liation liberation psychology therapy It requires humility.
Speaker: And.
Speaker: Much like I said in the beginning of this episode. If you've learned all your life that you're smart or you know everything. Right. Especially because of your race, especially because of your gender, especially because of your sexuality or.
Speaker: your income. It can be... Harder. For you to. Acknowledge that there are things you don't know and that you have a lot more to learn.
Speaker: And that actually in some areas, some people know way more than you.
Speaker: And so my mind just kind of goes to wellness spaces. And um... The hubris that can often come. with being a wellness practitioner and a wellness Teacher.
Speaker: Instructor.
Speaker: And... I hope things change.
Speaker: So we are at the end of the episode. And... Yeah, I just I've seen lately a lot of people online talking about Bisexual men.
Speaker: And um... It seems that we trigger a lot of people on the internet.
Speaker: And so I have compiled... an unlearning biphobia reading list that will also be And... the description of this episode. for Those.
Speaker: of you who want to unlearn biphobia.
Speaker: okay and we are at the end of season three we did it we made it Thank you so much for listening and I will see you. Next time, next season, season four, I'm thinking that...
Speaker: For the theme of season four, it'll be integrity. um I'm almost positive that that's what it's going to be. Okay. i'll see you next time Bye.
Speaker: I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to the Let's Heal Already podcast. To be clear, I'm not advocating for an emotionally intelligent patriarch or for more men to begin and end their work at feeling comfortable painting their nails, wearing dresses, or expanding what falls under the fold of masculinity. Similarly, I do not want to be a highly efficient, well -adjusted worker under capitalism, which is often the aim of Western therapy models.
Speaker: I am calling for the system to be abolished. That system is imperialist, cis -heterosexist, white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy. Please leave a rating or review on the platform you use to listen to this podcast and feel free to share this with your friends. Donation to show support can be made at JR. Y U S S U F.
Speaker: on Venmo.
