Transcript
Speaker: Hey, hey, you're listening to the Let's Heal Already podcast for the sometimes impatient, sometimes cranky person doing some healing.
Speaker: And I'm your host, JR. I'm an author, actor and speaker from Far Rockaway, New York.
Speaker: And on this podcast, you'll hear me cover ground on a variety of topics from mental wellness and emotional literacy to blackness, to masculinity and femininity, to ending misogyny and patriarchy, to last but not least, bisexuality and ending sexual shame.
Speaker: you
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Speaker: Dear Bi-Men, A Black Man's Perspective on Power, Consent, Breaking Down Binaries, and Combating Erasure is being published by North Atlantic Books and distributed by Penguin Random House.
Speaker: This book is a powerful resource for Black bi men to reclaim their identity, counter biphobia, and get empowered, and an offering to all readers looking to thwart the erasure and dehumanization wrought by patriarchy.
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Speaker: What's up?
Speaker: What's up?
Speaker: I'm back at it again with another episode of the Let's Heal Already podcast.
Speaker: And today for today's episode content, we are going to be talking about a pretty cool topic that I don't know that I've seen covered in a lot of different places.
Speaker: So, you know, obviously acceptance and friendships and family and society is a very important
Speaker: important sort of thing, especially for bi people, especially for black people, especially for, you know, other exploited, marginalized groups.
Speaker: And it's still a thing that needs to be discussed, right?
Speaker: But what I wanted to discuss is
Speaker: how to handle being accepted, right?
Speaker: Because that's another layer.
Speaker: That's another part of this whole shebang, you know?
Speaker: So it's one thing to desire friendships, relationships, families, societies, governments that are accepting and also supportive of you.
Speaker: And it's a whole other thing to know how to receive that, how to know how to handle being accepted.
Speaker: And I feel like there should be, you know, there should be like a rule book, not a rule book, a handbook.
Speaker: Rules, rules.
Speaker: I don't know who needs rules.
Speaker: yeah there should be like a handbook about that like these are some of the ways you know and so we're gonna kind of be getting into this in the episode this is what the episode is about and you know i like to start off these episodes this season with a question a journaling prompt question of have you ever had a hard time
Speaker: handling being accepted now this could come from many different you know angles like maybe when you were in high school or junior high or elementary or you changed schools or you met new friends or you met new family or i don't know and maybe in dating or maybe in friendships and something that maybe you thought was weird about yourself or that people in the past
Speaker: had always reacted negatively toward or had a lot of times been a site of contention for you and then you meet someone who is like oh okay cool or just like oh no big deal you know have you ever struggled with accepting being accepted have you ever struggled handling being accepted I will go first I will answer first
Speaker: Yes, all the time.
Speaker: It still happens to me all the time.
Speaker: And this for me is definitely a sort of just a relic of, I guess, having the experiences that I have had.
Speaker: And, you know, obviously I'm doing a lot of work on, you know, things, mental health concern and stuff.
Speaker: And
Speaker: you know memories and all of that and past experiences and things like that but at the same time I'm still a human being and yeah I think sometimes it still throws me for a loop I mean there are a couple of different areas but you know especially when I'm around a bunch of like different kinds of black women maybe who are artsy or not even artsy or just around my age maybe a little older maybe a little younger and
Speaker: they're like really like completely unfazed by me being bi i'm like wait a minute
Speaker: I'm like, wait a minute.
Speaker: This is like, this is a lot.
Speaker: I think it would be, it's one thing if it's just one, right?
Speaker: If I'm just like around like, oh, one black woman who is like, oh, cool.
Speaker: You know, or like, oh, great.
Speaker: So am I or whatever.
Speaker: Or two.
Speaker: It's like, oh, dope.
Speaker: But I think I'm going back in my head to maybe like last summer or something like that.
Speaker: There's this community space, a third space, not too far from where I live.
Speaker: And it was organized and run by a Black queer woman.
Speaker: And so it attracted sort of somewhat naturally, like lots of Black queer women.
Speaker: So some women that were there were Black lesbians.
Speaker: Some were Black bi women or just Black queer people.
Speaker: Maybe they
Speaker: are non-binary or, you know, pansexual or just whatever.
Speaker: And yeah, I just remember feeling sort of like, sort of overstimulated in terms of like, like over accepted, like, oh my God, you know what I mean?
Speaker: Like,
Speaker: Like it would be one thing if it was like one or two, but it's like literally a room like 20, 30, 40, like, you know what I mean?
Speaker: People.
Speaker: And they're like, yeah, like that's dope.
Speaker: And that's not a deterrent.
Speaker: That's not like, like something to make them hesitate, uh, interacting with me and maybe like a little flirty way or just like,
Speaker: a friendly way or whatever and like I think it was just very shocking to my system uh because of my history and because of the world that we live in currently too it's not just something of the past you know um so yeah that was definitely a challenge for me
Speaker: And it can be challenging, especially if you don't have some of like people who, who get it.
Speaker: You know what I mean?
Speaker: If you don't have friends or therapists or just people around you who get it, who it's like, yeah, your entire life, this has been a deterrent or like it's been a thing or even day to day, like now it's a thing and it's part of what maybe keeps you away from dating or, you know, whatever.
Speaker: and here you are having a completely new experience and i guess this reminds me of like i think i've mentioned it here before ifs which is internal family systems and it's a modality of like therapy essentially that really helps to really target like
Speaker: The subconscious mind and also get in touch with, you know, varying parts of the human sort of psyche and nervous system.
Speaker: And yeah, I think it just kind of reminds me of certain things that I've heard.
Speaker: in my interactions with IFS therapists.
Speaker: And it's like, you know, prior to a person really getting to like the bottom most ring, the bottom most sort of like
Speaker: painful unfortunately like parts of their experiences and their and their beliefs and sort of like their wounds and stuff like that like you don't want to in that modality modality modality of therapy you don't want to immediately go to telling them
Speaker: oh no there are people out there who are super accepting and super loving and super caring and will celebrate this part of you you know in that modality of therapy it's not all about like results like on day one it's not about like telling them the opposite of like these like really deeply stored painful beliefs about themselves or about the world
Speaker: So maybe eventually that's like a goal.
Speaker: But if you kind of in that modality of therapy, if you introduce that to too soon, it has sort of like an invalidating aspect.
Speaker: effect because that part of you has not seen sort of like the light of day and has not been really affirmed and acknowledged and accepted for the feeling you know what I mean like the depth of feeling and the depth of grief that happened and
Speaker: at that time or over the span of years or what have you.
Speaker: And so like, at least in that sort of way of thinking modality, you know, it's just one modality of many when it comes to therapy.
Speaker: Yeah, in that sort of world, they're kind of very careful about introducing like these events that will directly conflict these sort of like stored wounds that you may have because they understand how delicate
Speaker: the processes and also how important it is for those sort of insecurities or those sort of like emotional learnings is really what they're referred to as the things that you've learned emotionally like you know like your your cognitive brain your mental brain you're like of course duh of course there are queer women by women that exist of course there are queer people who are going to be not only accepting but supportive and like excited about this part of you yeah of course i know that
Speaker: duh i knew that 10 years ago i knew that 15 years ago but you know if you are a person who is doing this work you will learn very quickly that yeah my brain is thinking one thing but my body and my emotions feel a completely different way and so that's kind of why i brought up the whole like ifs like approach to introducing sort of like these other other experiences you know sort of like
Speaker: prior to getting to that that place where your your emotional learnings your deepest sort of hurts can be expressed and validated and also like yeah it i can see why you learned that and it did make sense
Speaker: for you to learn that it was actually probably protective if you learned that, you know, if I get too close to people and share this thing about myself, it'll hurt.
Speaker: I will be hurt.
Speaker: So it made sense back then when that happened.
Speaker: And obviously it happened over many years and still happens and stuff.
Speaker: you know um but yeah i think i'm just reminded of all of this and i hope that answered the question that i had at the beginning of the episode i'm already like a little further into the episode than i thought it would be in terms of time but yeah
Speaker: So I fully understand how challenging it can be to accept being accepted.
Speaker: So yeah, we're going to talk about how to handle being accepted in this episode.
Speaker: And prior to me getting there, I think there's so much here, right?
Speaker: There's so much here.
Speaker: What are we going to do?
Speaker: What are we going to do about this?
Speaker: There's so much to this.
Speaker: I think that an important place to start is.
Speaker: Oh, no, I know where I want to start, but it's just like, oh, yeah.
Speaker: I think, oh, goodness, where to begin?
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So, okay, I think an important place to start, right?
Speaker: An important place to start so that nobody is like, so that I don't misspeak and so that, you know, I'm not sounding like, oh, this is solely an internal problem, right?
Speaker: Because even what I just was referring to,
Speaker: you know, it's pretty clear that it's not just, oh, well, you took it wrong or like, oh, this happened to you in fourth grade or this one time, like,
Speaker: you know, it's pretty clear that this is sort of on or not sort of, this is ongoing.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: But yeah, I just want to validate the fact that like, wow, so few people are emotionally intelligent and not just emotionally intelligent, but like, there's just so much rampant, like,
Speaker: what was i talking about in that last episode or in that other episode where i was talking about taraji p henson right what was i what was i saying what was i talking about i was talking about toxic positivity wasn't i yes i was talking about toxic positivity and the reason why this is important is because when you are surrounded by people who cannot tolerate
Speaker: witnessing challenging emotions or witnessing emotions that are not just joy or excitement.
Speaker: When you are chronically surrounded by people like that, when that is a normal part of your culture, my culture, American culture, look at the bright side.
Speaker: People have it worse.
Speaker: You'll get through this.
Speaker: Crying won't help.
Speaker: Just stay positive.
Speaker: You'll get over it.
Speaker: Good vibes only.
Speaker: When you're chronically around this,
Speaker: like chronically expressing being vulnerable it doesn't feel good it does not feel good because of the response that you get to it and that's this to be honest
Speaker: This toxic positivity, the things that I just mentioned, people respond even worse than these things, right?
Speaker: People say even worse things than, oh, well, keep your head up.
Speaker: You know what I mean?
Speaker: Like they say even worse.
Speaker: That's on the nicer end of this spectrum.
Speaker: People will take your emotions.
Speaker: They will take the things that you've told them and they will make fun of you for it.
Speaker: They will tell other people.
Speaker: They will laugh at you.
Speaker: They will call you names.
Speaker: They will call you a baby.
Speaker: Like, they will use it as weapons against you.
Speaker: They will bring it up in an argument.
Speaker: Like toxic positivity, awful as it may be, awful, awful, doesn't feel good.
Speaker: Builds resentment in relationships.
Speaker: If you do it, please cut it out.
Speaker: Awful.
Speaker: And I'm saying there's even worse things that you could do than be toxically positive that happen every single day.
Speaker: People call you irrational.
Speaker: You're being irrational.
Speaker: You're being emotional.
Speaker: You're being like a girl.
Speaker: You're being like a woman.
Speaker: Are you on your period?
Speaker: Like, if you can really like deep this, like if you can really like, this is, it's actually really hard to like really sit with this.
Speaker: Like, this is the world that we live in.
Speaker: That is wild, especially now that I know even more, like obviously I've known this since I was a kid, right?
Speaker: I felt it, it's been horrible.
Speaker: But like, I think now that after I've studied a bit more about the subconscious mind and neuroscience and emotions and how these things impact us, it's like, this is wild.
Speaker: This is wild how far widespread it is and how like, oh,
Speaker: how like destructive it is.
Speaker: It's so bad for us.
Speaker: It is so bad for us.
Speaker: And I remember a time when I was not the most in touch with my own emotions.
Speaker: And so I didn't like feel how bad it was.
Speaker: Like, I just kind of felt like,
Speaker: somewhat numb a lot of the time.
Speaker: And when I wasn't feeling numb, I just kind of was like, sad, really sad.
Speaker: And it didn't feel good to open up because it like, and that's even before I get to like what the topic of today is.
Speaker: That's even before I get to how to handle being accepted.
Speaker: Like your part, the part that you have, right?
Speaker: That's before I get to that part.
Speaker: Because I'm telling you, even if people are giving you like some really good stuff and like validating your emotions, if you, if there's like a block there with receiving, right?
Speaker: If you feel guilty, if you've been guilted in the past a lot for receiving, if you've been told, oh, you're being, if you receive anything, if you feel good in relationships, you're selfish.
Speaker: If you feel unworthy to receive, if you feel like receiving something from someone else means you owe them.
Speaker: Yeah, it's not going to feel good.
Speaker: It's not going to feel good.
Speaker: And it's not going to land because you're not receiving it.
Speaker: It's not going to feel... Okay, so I'm kind of jumping all over, which is...
Speaker: fine that's fine everything's fine everything's fine things are fine but I did want to mention that whole like toxic positivity thing because you know I think that it's so it's so relevant it's so important and it's like it's not just oh we have a hard time handling accepting things our environment man like
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: And I see this across age.
Speaker: I see this across gender.
Speaker: I see this across sexuality.
Speaker: I see this across race.
Speaker: Did I say that already?
Speaker: Yeah, I see it across.
Speaker: Do I see it across ability?
Speaker: Hmm.
Speaker: I mean, I'm sure it exists, but I'm trying to think.
Speaker: Hmm.
Speaker: Hmm.
Speaker: maybe not the toxic positivity thing in terms of like, because I'm right now, I think I'm thinking about neurodivergent people.
Speaker: I'm trying to think of some of the disabled folk that I've had conversations with.
Speaker: Well, I can't think of any toxic positivity things from them.
Speaker: But I mean, that's just like, that's a very small set.
Speaker: That's the, I'm sure there are disabled people who are on that toxic positivity bullshit.
Speaker: But, you know, but yeah,
Speaker: Yeah, but just how widespread it is, right?
Speaker: So I think I want to use that as a framing.
Speaker: That's why I started there, right?
Speaker: That's a framing.
Speaker: That's the frame.
Speaker: Before we can put the picture in, before we can get a clearer view of our world, what frames our world is what
Speaker: Toxic positivity are people who are extremely uncomfortable with emotions and with aspects of femininity or aspects of things they consider to be feminine, right?
Speaker: And so it oftentimes doesn't feel good to open up to people, to be vulnerable, to receive, to be accepted, right?
Speaker: To be receptive.
Speaker: Because a lot of times when you do that, people, whether they mean to or not, whether they know they're doing it or not, are giving you terrible advice, terrible advice, toxic advice, are not centering you and your emotional experience, but are instead hearing what you told them and inserting themselves into whatever you told them.
Speaker: So they're not centering yourself.
Speaker: you and your emotional experience in your story or in what you told them, they are, instead of empathizing, they are sympathizing.
Speaker: They're imagining how they would feel with their history and their wounds and their goals and their beliefs.
Speaker: They're not centering you in your stuff.
Speaker: So there are all these things, all these things,
Speaker: When you open up, a lot of people are on the bullshit I just mentioned.
Speaker: Unknowingly, maybe they mean well.
Speaker: A lot of times they mean well.
Speaker: And yet they don't have the tools.
Speaker: They have terrible tools.
Speaker: They have tools that actually don't lead to feeling resolved in your nervous system, in your mind, in your emotional body.
Speaker: That's the frame.
Speaker: That's just the frame.
Speaker: We haven't even gotten to how to handle being accepted.
Speaker: That's the frame.
Speaker: So of course, of course, of course, a lot of us got our guards up.
Speaker: Of course, of course, it makes sense.
Speaker: It makes sense.
Speaker: Now, one thing that I want to happen in the new year that I'm going to make happen is I'm going to listen.
Speaker: I'm not going to listen to people who don't make me feel heard and supported, right?
Speaker: You know, I mentioned acceptance and accepted, being accepted in the beginning of this episode.
Speaker: But really, I guess accepted is like a step further, a step beyond accepted is supported, really, really supported, really held, you know, and that's really what I mean.
Speaker: But I think accepted is a more like, oh, everybody knows what I mean.
Speaker: Or it's maybe a more like friendly, like a more, what do I mean?
Speaker: A more widespread, like it's a more trite sort of phrase.
Speaker: Like, oh, do you accept me?
Speaker: You know what I mean?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So let's just be saying anything.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So,
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: But yeah, that is one of my sort of resolutions because I noticed that I am a great listener and, you know, people tell me all sorts of things.
Speaker: And, you know, while throughout my life that has been one of the things that I have liked about myself, I am now in a place where...
Speaker: You know, I have done a significant amount of work on my self-esteem and I just realized how like, you know, relationships that are not equally like, like there's not an exchange for me, you know, it's a drain, you know.
Speaker: So I need to listen to people who not only can listen to me, but who can actually support me.
Speaker: And so when I started to have that standard, which was very recently,
Speaker: numbers started to dwindle, girl.
Speaker: I mean, first of all, first of all, right?
Speaker: First of all, I am a swaggy bi person who, like, I'm from New York.
Speaker: Like, what you mean?
Speaker: Like, what you talk about?
Speaker: Like, you know, like...
Speaker: and I yeah I grew up with girls and women and I what I notice is you know there are particular maybe areas that maybe a lot of like men and masculine people have um who that they tend to develop those sort of patterns and also maybe they tend to develop a certain set of like maybe even like
Speaker: not wounds, but yeah, kind of wounds.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Patterns and wounds, right?
Speaker: There tend to be some associated with like men and masculine people.
Speaker: And then there tend to be some associated with women and feminine people, certain patterns and wounds or whatever.
Speaker: And so what I noticed years ago is like, oh, I have...
Speaker: Both.
Speaker: I have things from both ends of, I guess, the gender binary, if you will, right?
Speaker: And this made it somewhat challenging for, certainly, for certain mental health professionals who were like, oh, you're a man.
Speaker: These should be your wounds.
Speaker: And not just mental health professionals, but just, like, people.
Speaker: You know, people are like, oh, yeah, you're a man, so...
Speaker: This is how you act.
Speaker: This is how you think.
Speaker: This is what you need.
Speaker: And it's like, oh, no, actually, I don't need that stuff.
Speaker: This is what I need.
Speaker: And that stuff doesn't bother me, but this stuff does.
Speaker: So it's kind of also like not just do I have both of those like maybe patterns, wounds from both ends of the gender binary.
Speaker: Um, but it's like a mix.
Speaker: So some things from like the men's stuff I don't have.
Speaker: And then something from the women's stuff I don't have.
Speaker: Um, so yeah, I just, I guess I wanted to say that because, you know, this has definitely made it.
Speaker: Or proved to be like sort of like a challenge when it comes to not only mental health professionals, but also when it comes to connecting with other people, because people are used to interacting with others through the lens of like binary gender and like what they expect people of a particular gender to be.
Speaker: believe or do or think or have hangups around.
Speaker: And so obviously you can see how this would definitely get in the way.
Speaker: And so when I think about not only being accepted, but being supported, that becomes incredibly challenging and tricky, especially for most people who are not only very rigidly tied to binary gender, but who are also
Speaker: bio essentialists like they're like basically your biology like your chromosomes or like your you know what the doctor said your gender was when you were born dictates will dictate like your level of aggression your level of gentleness your level of intelligence your level of
Speaker: you know, ego, achievement, the list goes on.
Speaker: And I don't know if, I don't know how that sounds to y'all, if this is your first time hearing it or not.
Speaker: But, you know, when I hear what I just said back, it very quickly, it
Speaker: And very easily can become racist.
Speaker: I mean, bioessentialism is racist.
Speaker: It is.
Speaker: Yeah, it's eugenics.
Speaker: Like, it's about a master race.
Speaker: Like, it's all that.
Speaker: It's white supremacy.
Speaker: It's all of that.
Speaker: But yeah, like most people.
Speaker: deeply deeply deeply believe that because they've been shown it time and time and time again th is is the world that white supremacy has created for us wow i'm really like kind of academic today what's going on
Speaker: the mic is on i don't know what's going on with me okay um yes so so so yeah it's certainly made it quite challenging um and um like like socially and things like that when i'm like oh no
Speaker: That doesn't bother me, but this actually does.
Speaker: And I actually need this.
Speaker: And it takes people's brain a minute to recalibrate what I'm asking for and what I'm saying.
Speaker: Like, wait, you're a man, you're a masculine person.
Speaker: And you're asking me for this.
Speaker: you're not supposed to even want, you don't, you don't need this.
Speaker: You don't want this.
Speaker: You got all that testosterone.
Speaker: You don't need this.
Speaker: Like, what do you mean?
Speaker: You know?
Speaker: Don't let me speak girl.
Speaker: Cause they will be mad at me, honey.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But it has definitely been quite a challenge to find people who are able to,
Speaker: to be supportive of me.
Speaker: And so that means I have to get better at tuning people out.
Speaker: That means I have to get better at walking away from people.
Speaker: That means I have to get better at interrupting people.
Speaker: Excuse me, I'm so sorry.
Speaker: I don't have the space to listen to this right now.
Speaker: Excuse me, I'm not in the best mood right now.
Speaker: I'm so sorry.
Speaker: Nope, I can't help you with this.
Speaker: Excuse me, I actually have something to do.
Speaker: Excuse me, I'm not feeling my best.
Speaker: Excuse me.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm not trying to hear that.
Speaker: I'm not trying to hear that.
Speaker: I'm not trying to go there today.
Speaker: Yeah, I had to get really good at this.
Speaker: So yeah, I think that, you know...
Speaker: Even if you don't know all of this stuff, even if like you do have some of these habits, you know, I think you can start.
Speaker: I think anybody can start with validating somebody's emotions.
Speaker: with what somebody's feeling.
Speaker: Not their behavior.
Speaker: Not their behavior.
Speaker: Not their behavior.
Speaker: Not their behavior.
Speaker: Not the behavior.
Speaker: Not the behavior.
Speaker: How many more times do I need to say it?
Speaker: No, because let me tell you something.
Speaker: Just because you are feeling devastated, feeling rage, feeling taken advantage of, feeling hurt, that don't mean, like, that's valid.
Speaker: Those are big emotions.
Speaker: That's huge.
Speaker: That hurts bad.
Speaker: Bad, bad.
Speaker: Slashing somebody tires who didn't damage your property.
Speaker: I'm not validating that.
Speaker: I'm not validating that action.
Speaker: You know, I'm not, listen, you grown, you gonna do what you gonna do, but I'm talking about validating the emotions, right?
Speaker: I'm talking about validating the emotions.
Speaker: This is how we show support emotionally.
Speaker: And a lot of times this helps to deescalate people too, when you validate their emotions and validate how they feel.
Speaker: You know what I'm saying?
Speaker: I think that's something that we can all start with.
Speaker: But now on to how to actually handle people who are accepting of you, right?
Speaker: How to handle that?
Speaker: How to handle that?
Speaker: How to handle somebody supporting you?
Speaker: How to handle that?
Speaker: Well, I think first and foremost...
Speaker: Emotional regulation.
Speaker: I feel like a broken record sometimes.
Speaker: Emotional regulation.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: What does that mean?
Speaker: That means having a daily practice of yoga, right?
Speaker: For at least 20 minutes where you are focusing on the breath moving through the body.
Speaker: That means meditation for at least, what, 10 to 15 minutes daily.
Speaker: That means deep breathing, maybe with your eyes open or eyes closed.
Speaker: That means when you're eating, not
Speaker: being distracted, not being like on your phone, no other stimuli, just being with your thoughts.
Speaker: These are emotional regulation tools.
Speaker: These are nervous system regulation tools.
Speaker: And having a regulated nervous system is vital.
Speaker: You know, when we've experienced trauma, especially when we're young, it
Speaker: can put us in a chronic state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
Speaker: Now, those are important modes to be in when your body senses danger, when your body senses threat.
Speaker: Those are valid places to be and important places to be.
Speaker: Your body is
Speaker: cannot really sustain being in that mode for super long periods of time.
Speaker: But when you've experienced trauma from parental figures, super young, or like a really, a really traumatic sort of thing in your adult life, it can really dysregulate our nervous systems.
Speaker: So when we have these emotional nervous system regulation tools, it can help us
Speaker: It can help us bring ourselves back to the present, ground ourselves, and also introduce or reintroduce what peace feels like, what calmness feels like, what stillness feels like, and that those things are safe.
Speaker: It can reintroduce what safety feels like, that it's safe to be safe.
Speaker: you know, and like, this is so connected to what I'm talking about, about how to handle acceptance, how to handle being accepted, right?
Speaker: If we are in a chronic state of fight or flight, if we are in a chronic state of reliving some of our past wounds, our past traumas, our past memories of being rejected, when somebody is trying to accept us, it's like, it doesn't compute.
Speaker: It's like,
Speaker: I can't trust this because I don't even know, like, I don't even, like, this doesn't even feel familiar.
Speaker: This, like, sense of, like, peace and belonging and acceptance and kindness, this doesn't feel familiar and I need familiarity.
Speaker: You know, a lot of our brains are wired to be sort of, like, survival instinct and, like,
Speaker: gravitate toward what's familiar, you know, because what is familiar, what we have experienced has allowed us to survive, you know?
Speaker: So yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, I implore you.
Speaker: to familiarize your nervous system with what it feels like to experience peace on a daily basis, even if it's only for 10 minutes per day.
Speaker: It could be at the end of your day, it could be at the start of your day, it could be at the middle of your day.
Speaker: Something, something.
Speaker: You're just, you're introducing or reintroducing what peace feels like to your body.
Speaker: so that it knows that, oh, I can trust this.
Speaker: I know what this feels like.
Speaker: I know how I feel when I meditate.
Speaker: I just feel an ease, an openness, a chillness.
Speaker: Like I don't have to go, go, go, go.
Speaker: I can just, I can just exist.
Speaker: I can just breathe.
Speaker: I can just be, you know?
Speaker: So I would say that is the first one, a hundred percent, not even like
Speaker: not even a question really.
Speaker: And then I would say some of the next ones are definitely working with your family, working with your close, close loved ones, you know, and let them know that you're doing this work.
Speaker: Like, Hey, I'm just going to try to practice like receiving, you know, I'm going to try to practice like, that's what I'm working on right now.
Speaker: That's what I'm working on this in this month.
Speaker: That's what I'm working on in this period of my life.
Speaker: and you want to start small you know maybe maybe instead of starting with like oh give me 10 compliments per hour maybe start with you know one small compliment per day one small compliment per week or one small acknowledgement oh thank you i noticed you did the dishes thank you appreciate it made me feel helped made me feel supported oh thank you
Speaker: And you start a small and it's really important after you get that small little compliment, small cookie, small acknowledgement that you practice accepting it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So I noticed like sometimes when we're not used to accepting, we deflect, oh, it was nothing.
Speaker: Oh, I was supposed to do that.
Speaker: Oh, it wasn't perfect.
Speaker: Oh, I forgot the other garbage in the other bathroom.
Speaker: Somebody's trying to like give you a compliment or acknowledge you.
Speaker: You deflect.
Speaker: No, it wasn't that big of a deal.
Speaker: Practice accepting.
Speaker: Like, oh, they're acknowledging me.
Speaker: They're acknowledging my contribution.
Speaker: That feels nice to be acknowledged.
Speaker: It's like, oh, they see that I'm trying to help.
Speaker: Even if it was small, they see me.
Speaker: They see my effort.
Speaker: Just say thank you.
Speaker: Or you're welcome.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: That's it.
Speaker: Just practice.
Speaker: At first, if this is the first time you're doing this, this can be incredibly uncomfortable.
Speaker: Incredibly uncomfortable.
Speaker: And I think it's also like something to mention here is like what I find fascinating is that like...
Speaker: sometimes this can be easier from certain groups like sometimes this can be easier for some people to it can be easier to accept like acknowledgement or compliments maybe from a man or maybe from a woman or maybe it can be easier or harder to accept from maybe a
Speaker: black person or maybe a queer person or maybe you know i think it's it's really when you get even more specific it's like oh like when you notice like hmm it's easier for me to accept compliments from people like this and it's harder for me to accept compliments from people like this interesting interesting interesting wow why
Speaker: You know, there's a lot there.
Speaker: I said that in the beginning of the episode.
Speaker: I said there's a lot here, didn't I?
Speaker: I did.
Speaker: So yeah, that was like some of the whole like, you know, exposure work and also reprogramming.
Speaker: I noticed also that in addition to deflecting, sometimes our words can be not so nice.
Speaker: Sometimes our thoughts can be not so nice about ourselves.
Speaker: You know, we can say really mean things about ourselves sometimes.
Speaker: And I think that deserves...
Speaker: you know, some attention, you know, instead of saying that we could be silent.
Speaker: Like Jill Scott said, let's be silent.
Speaker: We can be silent.
Speaker: We can take a walk.
Speaker: Let's take a walk around the park and we can be silent.
Speaker: We can be silent instead of putting ourselves down.
Speaker: We can.
Speaker: So there's that.
Speaker: And then when it comes to the wounds, I noticed around like people who struggle to really handle being accepted, they tend to be wounds surrounding feeling unworthy, unworthiness wounds, right?
Speaker: They tend to be wounds surrounding feeling defective, like there's something wrong with me, something wrong with you, or shameful, like there's something shameful about you.
Speaker: And also, they tend to be wounds about unsafety.
Speaker: It is unsafe to receive, or it is just unsafe.
Speaker: I am unsafe.
Speaker: And so those are some of the three big ones.
Speaker: Obviously, there are tons more, but those are certainly some that I see that are so, like, common, like,
Speaker: And I want to say that, you know, for people with these wounds, obviously you're valid with the wounds like they came from somewhere.
Speaker: You know what I mean?
Speaker: Like people with these wounds tend to have like a history of being treated these ways.
Speaker: And so, you know, I spoke about exploited, marginalized groups earlier, and you can quickly, very quickly see how, like, certain groups are treated in this society.
Speaker: You know, I think across identities because of capitalism and white supremacy, the world that white supremacy has created.
Speaker: A lot of us don't tend to actually really feel valued and appreciated for who we are, like this sense of unconditional love.
Speaker: And when you look along power lines, like people with power and groups with power,
Speaker: You know, people who do not have power tend to experience this in a much more severe, systemic way.
Speaker: And so it makes complete sense that you would have these unworthiness wounds, unsafe wounds, defective wounds.
Speaker: It makes complete sense from so many different angles, you know.
Speaker: So yeah, I completely empathize with that.
Speaker: I completely understand it.
Speaker: And I think it's really important that we are more kind to ourselves and recognize that the shame is not ours.
Speaker: The shame is the people and power in this society that
Speaker: The shame is white supremacy and what it has done to the world.
Speaker: And I think that another way to handle being accepted is to expect it.
Speaker: It is possible that I will be accepted and supported and really like believe that and consider that and like letting that wash over your body.
Speaker: Like it is possible that I will be accepted and supported by these kinds of people, by this kind of group, by my society is possible.
Speaker: Definitely possible.
Speaker: And then a step further, I am deserving of being accepted by
Speaker: and supported.
Speaker: I'm deserving of that.
Speaker: I am deserving of that.
Speaker: And yeah, I think that these are so, like, this is such an important topic and these are some ways to
Speaker: experience how and like handle handle being accepted being supported please let me know what you think i feel like some of the ways that i gave were good and i want to hear from y'all like let me know what y'all think do y'all think that these are working will work does it does it match up does the things
Speaker: that I mentioned in this episode match with the title, let me know.
Speaker: I feel like they do.
Speaker: But I do want to just also explain, like, you know, this is hard.
Speaker: This is hard stuff, especially when, like, all of or most of your life you have not been accepted, you know.
Speaker: It doesn't feel good at first, to be honest, because there is a part of you that is used to being rejected.
Speaker: So it's like you're trying to synthesize.
Speaker: Yeah, it's like you're trying to synthesize that part of you that's used to being rejected with this new part of you that is being accepted.
Speaker: And it can be a lot.
Speaker: And so, yeah, I would say just go slow.
Speaker: Be patient with yourself.
Speaker: And it is understandable.
Speaker: It is understandable.
Speaker: But we're moving toward being supported, not tolerated.
Speaker: Definitely not tolerated.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Not rejected.
Speaker: We're moving toward acceptance and even beyond acceptance, being supported, which means we have our needs met.
Speaker: The people we're around, we spend time around purposefully, they can meet our needs because we know how to vocalize them and because they're in a place where they can give them.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: How to handle being supported.
Speaker: How to handle being accepted.
Speaker: Yeah, it's uncomfortable at first.
Speaker: And then after a while, you practice it.
Speaker: Yeah, you validate yourself.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And then that becomes your new comfort zone.
Speaker: It's going to take a while.
Speaker: It's going to take a little while.
Speaker: But then that's going to be your reality.
Speaker: That'll be comfortable.
Speaker: It'll be uncomfortable to be around people who reject you, who are shady, who tolerate you.
Speaker: So yeah, we're moving, we're moving into the new year.
Speaker: We're blasting forward.
Speaker: These are the last couple of episodes of this season.
Speaker: What am I going to do without you guys in a couple of weeks?
Speaker: What am I going to do?
Speaker: I don't know, but we are at the end of the episode.
Speaker: I've talked about everything and then I felt like I needed to, and I appreciate y'all so much for hearing me out and listening and
Speaker: I will see y'all next time.
Speaker: Later, y'all.
Speaker: Bye.
Speaker: I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to the Let's Heal Already podcast.
Speaker: To be clear, I'm not advocating for an emotionally intelligent patriarch or for more men to begin and end their work at feeling comfortable painting their nails, wearing dresses, or expanding what falls under the fold of masculinity.
Speaker: Similarly, I do not want to be a highly efficient, well-adjusted worker under capitalism, which is often the aim of Western therapy models.
Speaker: I am calling for the system to be abolished.
Speaker: That system is imperialist, cisheterosexist, white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy.
Speaker: Please leave a rating or review on the platform you use to listen to this podcast and feel free to share this with your friends.
Speaker: Donation to show support can be made at J-R-Y-U-S-S-U-F on Venmo.
