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The Unvarnished Journey of Motherhood: Tessia Watson on the Realities of Raising Children and Embracing Self-Care
7 Plays7 months ago
Strap in for a heart-to-heart that digs beneath the surface of motherhood's glossy exterior, as Tessia Watson joins me to share the raw and real facets of raising children. From the pangs of childbirth to the silent battles fought at night, Tessia lays bare the trials she navigated, provoking a nod to the universal truth that parenting is the toughest gig you'll ever love. We dig into the moments of vulnerability, the crucial turning points, and the lifelines of support that can mean the difference between floundering and flourishing as a parent.
Imagine a sanctuary for mothers to simultaneously find their footing and recharge their souls; that's le Petit Below, my nursery brainchild born from the necessity of self-care in single motherhood. I recount the balancing act of nurturing my children alongside nurturing myself, sharing the epiphany that self-preservation is not just permissible, but essential. The conversation evolves into a tapestry of experiences, weaving together the profound transformation motherhood brings to a woman's identity and the importance of holding onto the threads of one's former self.
Concluding our exchange, we underscore the game-changing role of support networks in the odyssey of parenthood. Whether it's a friendly mom's group or a digital forum buzzing with seasoned advice, Tessia and I advocate fiercely for reaching out, engaging, and embracing the community at your doorstep. Parenthood may be a village-less challenge for many, but through shared wisdom and heartfelt solidarity, one discovers that the village isn’t too far away—it's just waiting for you to knock on its door.
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Transcript
Introduction of Tessia Watson
00:00:00
Speaker
All right. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the show. This is James Paris. And today we have Tessia, Tessia Watson. And yeah, let's get this started. Can you kind of give a brief gist about, you know, who you are, what you're about, what your message is, all those, you know, interesting.
00:00:20
Speaker
Thank you for having me, James. Such a pleasure to be here today. So I'm Tessia Watson and I am a mother of two young children now 11 and nine years old. So why I'm here today is because I would love to share with your audience my story, my journey as a mother
00:00:47
Speaker
And I just feel that so many mothers nowadays are not really equipped in terms of re-knowing what's going to happen when they become mother or why they still know why they are. And I just want to make sure that what I've been through, they can avoid having to go through that as well.
00:01:16
Speaker
So yes, that's why I'm here today, is to share my, I would say my, yes, at the time, ignorance or mistakes, and to make sure that they can really experience a great motherhood journey.
Challenges in Early Motherhood
00:01:36
Speaker
Now, this motherhood journey, I'm just curious now, what was your personal motherhood journey?
00:01:45
Speaker
So basically, before it started, I was so confident. I was so certain that it would be so easy and peasy. Because I felt prepared. I've been around children my whole life. I knew how to take care of any child, no matter the age. And I was grateful to have been exposed to that.
00:02:13
Speaker
But as soon as I gave birth, I just realized that no matter how many prep work you do beforehand, you will never be ready for what's coming up because you just have no idea of what will coming up. So in my case, for instance, just the birth was absolutely not what I planned to be.
00:02:42
Speaker
So you just go through labor and it's just such a difficult and traumatic birth that you just start the journey like, really? You are kidding me.
00:02:57
Speaker
Like you can't predict that you will give birth this way or that way. You can plan the way you want, but it's not guaranteed that it will happen this way. So for me, in my case, I was in labor for 32 hours for the first one and 42 for the second one. And after those hours of hours of labor, I had to go to C-section, so for both of them.
00:03:24
Speaker
So it was not what I would have planned at all. And I just started to become a mother, very stressed, frightened. I was scared. I was tired. I was exhausted. I was in pain. So that was the beginning. And
00:03:46
Speaker
I couldn't anticipate that. And after a while, obviously, things fortunately get better.
Seeking Help and Support
00:03:54
Speaker
But still, there's so many things that you don't know. My child was not sleeping overnight at all, the first one. And it was the first one. So you're freaking out. You think that, oh, yeah, but I knew that baby's reputation is to
00:04:10
Speaker
sleep a lot so what's wrong with that one you know you feel like i know they do sleep a lot so why he doesn't sleep and so you're just tired you just you just don't understand you're trying to i try to speak with people around me in um group support and they were just you know saying you know some babies are different than you know others and
00:04:37
Speaker
more difficult or they're just, you know, they're more anxious so they, you know, they need you to sleep next to them or these kind of things. Okay, what is the solution? Because it's torture to not sleep. So these kind of things you just don't know. And my advice is you don't know in advance what's gonna happen. So
00:05:03
Speaker
I think the strategy here is to just, you know, whatever is happening, whatever you are going through, it's really important to believe that there is a way, that there is an answer, even if you don't have it yet, but there is one. And I didn't know that. I didn't know that at the time. I was just, you know, trying to do my best day after day.
00:05:29
Speaker
But a couple of years after that, when the boys were older, I've met a good friend. She's now a good friend. And at the time, that was the first time we've met. And she said to me that she's a maternity nurse. And I was like, OK, what's that? And she said, we just go to the parents' house and we just stay over.
00:05:54
Speaker
and if you know the mother needs more sleep we can you know obviously make sure that she has that just because we stay overnight i couldn't believe it i really couldn't believe it and i was not aware it was a service i didn't know but if at the time i knew
00:06:17
Speaker
Of course, I would just, you know, have, I will have give everything I can, you know, to just have even just one night, you know, just a normal night where I just sleep through the night and the service existed at the time. So it was out there. But because of my lack of awareness that, you know, for any problem, there's a solution. I didn't even, you know, reach out.
00:06:47
Speaker
Take me like maybe just, I don't know.
00:06:50
Speaker
few seconds on Google to just look, how do you manage when your child, you know, doesn't slip through the night and you can have advices and you don't know this, this service might have, you know, pop up or that's what I, you know, I want to share about, you know, my own story and how sometimes, yes, it feels that there is no solution or there is no support or help. But if you decide, if you ask for it, if you reach out for help,
00:07:20
Speaker
you will find something that will soothe the situation and make it better. Interesting. Was this almost like a form of insomnia? How did this work necessarily? That must be a very tough thing to go through as a mother.
00:07:41
Speaker
It's so tough. I know that babies are mainly like this, but as soon as my baby was just putting down in the cart, he was screaming straight away. So it was all night long like this. And not all the babies are doing this. Of course, they wake up during the night. So every two hours or every four hours, depending on the routine of that baby.
00:08:11
Speaker
Some cases, it's not about every two hours, it's every time you put it down. So that's where it's
Generational Differences in Motherhood Experience
00:08:21
Speaker
a bit tricky. And when you've never been aware of this before, or you just don't know, it's quite difficult. It's very, very difficult.
00:08:32
Speaker
Did you ever learn anything from your mother by any chance? Did she ever pass on any wisdom to you on maybe concepts or ideas of motherhood? Do you think motherhood is sort of something that's passed on, that's taught to other women after you? Do you think that's how it works sometimes or not?
00:08:54
Speaker
I think yes, it depends on your mother and the way she approached motherhood. In my case, my mom was
00:09:06
Speaker
was sick since her birth. She has sickle cell. So she has been all her life very, very sick, extremely sick. So I grew up with a mother often in hospitals. And she said that me and my brother, we were very calm
00:09:28
Speaker
We didn't cry that much. Maybe we could feel instinctively that we don't have the same type of other mothers, you know, like, healthy. And so we were not crying that much. So she said to me, she never had this kind of problem, neither with me or my brother. So I think it's different from a mother to another. Me, obviously, I was healthy.
00:09:57
Speaker
I was fit and I was absolutely present. I don't know if my child can sense that as well, but the second one was less. It was less doing this kind of thing, so it was easier. But no, we can't compare my mother or journey and my mom's mother or journey.
00:10:20
Speaker
it's completely different. I think very early on we were already used to be with other people because she doesn't just have a choice. So we learned quickly I think as babies you know independence and you know trusting other you know carers
00:10:39
Speaker
which in my case was a bit different because I took the decision to be a stay-at-home mom. So I was the main carer for my boys. So it was different. It was a different setting. It must have been. And how did you kind of bloom into a mother? So what other things do you think that you did maybe outside of motherhood that could have
00:11:08
Speaker
helped you kind of get through this experience of maybe dealing with a child, as you told me, with these sleep issues, all these issues. So you said you were very healthy. And I'm just curious, did you do anything else on the side? No.
Losing and Rediscovering Personal Identity
00:11:24
Speaker
And I didn't do much on the side. And that's why I wrote that book, Rejuvenating Moms, Make Happy Kids, for the reason that too often,
00:11:37
Speaker
It's all about the baby or the children. And we tend to forget about ourselves, you know, our hobbies or, you know, the thing that we would love to do to care for ourselves.
00:11:53
Speaker
too often and what happened is that when we become mothers I was very very happy but I didn't realize that I was losing myself day by day I couldn't see this I was really happy raising them we were you know always you know
00:12:12
Speaker
out, doing activities, trying this, trying that. That was very stimulating for them, and I was always on the go, so always doing something. I was not, you know. But in terms of doing things for me,
00:12:28
Speaker
this was completely gone. And if I knew before that you can plan a bit your model journey in the sense that if you are a person that love to exercise or dance or whatever it is, you can plan that after three months or six months that the baby is now with us,
00:12:53
Speaker
I will go back, you know. I was exercising before being pregnant, a bit when I was pregnant, and I don't know why, but the idea of going back to exercise or doing something for myself never came back for at least three or four years after having, you know, giving birth.
00:13:22
Speaker
Why? And it's just naturally, I don't know why we're doing this, but we sacrifice everything about us for them, which is not healthy. Because if you think that
00:13:38
Speaker
you do the things you like to do, let's say exercise or just going out with a friend or whatever it pleases you, then you go back to that role of mother, no more at peace, happier with more energy or you're more focused. So I was lucky in terms of I didn't go into depression, but I know some of my friends that did.
00:14:08
Speaker
because it's such a massive change and in this massive change, we're not really in control because it could be a massive change and you still decide that you want to do that or you want to still be that type of person or whatever. But no, it doesn't happen this way. You forget all about who you are and it's just all about raising
00:14:34
Speaker
children. That was my experience, but it's not only my experience. So many mothers out there, they're still doing this. And it affects a lot of things, either their mental health, either their physical health, either their relationship with their partners. It could be anything, but it does affect our well-being. So the narrative has to change.
00:15:03
Speaker
And the narrative has to be, in order for my children to be healthy, to be striving, to be happy, I have to be that. And once I am that, I'm setting an example. So automatically, there will be. That's interesting. It kind of reminds me of
00:15:30
Speaker
a lot of the airplane safety guides, especially when you need to wear an oxygen mask. Like they tell you that if you have a kid next to you, always put the mask on first and then put the child's mask on. Because in order to take care of that child, you kind of technically have to take care of yourself as well. So is that sort of what you're implying there?
00:15:54
Speaker
Exactly. It's exactly that. That's a very good example. Very good example. And it makes sense. It makes sense because if you just, you know, give the oxygen of your, you know, to your child, how are you going to breathe? So it makes sense. So yes, exactly. That's, that's the message, you know, behind, behind the book. And that's why, you know, I'm here to share as much as possible from other to just remember who they truly are.
00:16:25
Speaker
It's a beloved title, you know, to be a mother, but you're not just a mother. You are so much more. So just to take a back step here, did you ever find out why you stopped exercising and why you stopped taking care of yourself? Do you think this was a form of grief or pain? Like what do you think was the correlation to that? And how do you kind of explain that in your book or just in general?
00:16:55
Speaker
I think it's guilt. There's a lot of guilt in it. I need to take care of my child. I need to be there for my child. If not, am I a good mother? Am I doing what's right? All these kind of questions can sometimes come up in your mind. And I don't know. I just feel that I'm fine. I would just focus on the kids and
00:17:24
Speaker
I'll be okay. In just a couple of years, they will be back to school, they will be at school, I'll be okay. But I think the first one is guilt. Even when you start to just trust someone else to give your child or to look after your child, you feel like, wait a minute, if something happens, if that person does something or thoughts,
00:17:54
Speaker
It's your thoughts, so it's up to you how you want to entertain them. And what I recommend in the book is if you need time for yourself or you want to spend time with your partner, and so you need childcare and you have no one around you, like no family members, let's say. And nowadays we have this system of recommendations.
00:18:21
Speaker
So you can see, you can ask people about a person and see if that person is a good fit, if she's trustworthy, if she has done a good job, and it's all the parents like you telling you she's good, she's all right. Yes, our children love her, they absolutely love her. So
00:18:47
Speaker
It helps. It helps. But I think you start to feel this way, definitely, when you don't have, you know, family around. I'm in London, but I'm from Paris. If my family was here in London, I don't think this book would have been written, because it would have changed everything. Whatever you want to do, you just drop the child. Let's go to Grandma, you know? She's just around the corner, whatever. It's another
00:19:17
Speaker
way of having you know it's great because you have the the support system it's when you don't have it that it becomes very challenging and difficult sorry um i didn't mean to cut you off but i just thought it was interesting that you mentioned that because i think a lot of times single motherhood and like true single motherhood are two different things because like it's one thing not having
00:19:43
Speaker
you know, always that partner to help you. But it's another thing when the partner and the family and the social circle itself isn't around you as well. So I kind of like the way you're describing that because you're kind of adding a new deeper aspect to it, if that makes sense. Yes, and exactly.
Complexities of Single Motherhood
00:20:05
Speaker
We have to ask ourselves, what does it mean
00:20:10
Speaker
to be single as well. Definitely agree with you because some women, the partner is around and is helping out. For some, it's just not around and it's not the same. We can't compare. But you're going to still call yourself single. Even if the partner is around, taking care of the kids, you're still single. I mean, you're not with the partner anymore in terms of living together or
00:20:37
Speaker
But it's still a different story. And the same is the partner supporting you financially or not. It's going to be as well a different story as well. So everybody has his own story. But when the family is not around, partner or not partner around, it's difficult because we all know that we need a village to raise a child.
00:21:07
Speaker
It's for a reason. It's because the chai gain from everyone and just being one person taking care of the chai 24 seven is just too much for one person. It's just too much. So we trying to do it and we kind of realize meets like this. I realized pretty soon like there's something wrong here.
00:21:35
Speaker
because I want to spend time playing with my baby or toddler but at the same time I have to cook for him and I have to do the washing machine and I have to do this and do that and I knew there was something that was not right. It was just too much.
00:22:00
Speaker
for me, and it was just one. So when you have another one, you feel like, so I did have help. I'm not saying I didn't. I did have support in terms of, I hired someone who's were helping me in the morning, but look again, I put myself after them, not after, I didn't even put myself somewhere, it's just all about them. I had this person because I wanted to do activity with the first one,
00:22:30
Speaker
And because the other one is a baby, I can't take the baby, right? I'm taking an example. I was going swimming with the first one. And so you have to get into the pool and everything. But you can't do that without having a baby. So I didn't want, you know, that the first one can't enjoy, you know, any more things that we used to do together because there's his brother. So.
00:22:54
Speaker
Once again, I had help, but to still focusing on the children and making sure that they have the activities that they want to have, whatever. But not for me. So what was the change? How did you begin to make this shift?
00:23:19
Speaker
into taking care of yourself, getting rid of all that overwhelm. What was the sort of big jump up in your story that puts you in the position you are in right now?
00:23:30
Speaker
I think it's not one day. It didn't happen just one day like that. It's a progression. The thoughts were coming up in my mind. There's something wrong. It's not supposed to be this way. You have to figure out another way. So it was like that day by day. I can't say exactly when it started, but it was a strong inner voice.
00:23:56
Speaker
telling me that there's something that I'm not doing right in the way I'm raising them. I'm raising them probably right. But in terms of including me and taking care of myself in the process, motherhood is not just about the kids. It's about us as well, mothers. But we're not in the journeys. It feels like it's all about them. And when I realized that,
00:24:25
Speaker
I started to look for classes that I wanted to do. So I started with pilates. But it was a progression. Slowly, slowly I started to, I need to do something for myself. So then I decided, when I created as well, my nursery, Lipetibilo, it was for that. That was the message behind.
00:24:50
Speaker
from others to have the time to recharge, they drop the children with us for a couple of hours, and they can do whatever they need to do. So even when I created the business, I understood that we need that time. So it was a progression, I would say. It was gradual. Because even my dreams, they were gone. No more dreams, no more nothing.
00:25:14
Speaker
And this is shocking when you start to realize that, I remember I was one day with my mom on the phone and she said, what you gonna do? I said, oh, the children are, I dropped one in nursery and dropped one at school. Well, I don't know, I'm just gonna clean up and everything that you were before, you know, your ambitions and who you really are is just gone.
00:25:44
Speaker
And it's like you sleeping, because it's not just me. My friends, they're all like this. The children are like 12, 13, 14. They don't talk about dreams. They don't talk about what they want to achieve. It's just all about making sure that the house is tidy, making sure that some day, obviously, they work and some they don't, but it's just
00:26:11
Speaker
I don't know. I just have this feeling, strong feeling that we forget who we truly are in the process. And how did you remember who you were? When I started to go to classes, it was one step, you know, obviously going in that direction of being Tessia again, you know. So after that, I had new desires, new ones coming up.
00:26:42
Speaker
that was in alignment to who I was, you know, going out with a friend. I was doing that before often. And suddenly, you just stop doing this, you know, those kind of things.
00:26:56
Speaker
But these moments are so precious because we understand that things have to change because you change and the whole context change as well. But we need to create these moments to express ourselves again, the way we used to be. I remember
00:27:23
Speaker
It's an example, but I remember when you become a mother, you kind of, you know, start to wear, you know, casual, comfortable clothes and, you know, all your, you know, stylish and you don't wear high heels anymore. For instance, how you can do that if you have to chase after a toddler all the time. So you can't do that anymore. Does that mean that you're not
00:27:48
Speaker
Elegant anymore or a chic or you know, it doesn't Because you still have the possibility to create You know opportunities To wear your high heels or to wear, you know the dress, you know that you long to wear for instance but it's our responsibility comes down to our responsibility to create a
00:28:16
Speaker
moments where we can remember who we are. So as soon as I did that, I created other situation, context, whatever you want to call it, to help me remember who I was.
00:28:36
Speaker
Does that make sense? It does make sense and it also you know I always wondered why you know they would always have fashion lines or fashion brands almost exclusively catered to pregnant women.
00:28:51
Speaker
And I've seen those books. And now that I look at it, it does make a lot more sense because I think pregnancy a lot of times is seen as a stage where the woman is expected to change. So I really do strongly resonate with what you're saying.
00:29:13
Speaker
And how did you sort of go back to embracing that woman? So from what I understand, it was the Pilates, you know, you began to dress up again, I'm assuming, like, how did you begin to embrace that nature about yourself, take care of yourself? And how could you advise other women to retain their sort of femininity or their womanhood as they are rearing kids as a mother, if that makes sense?
Maintaining Identity Post-Motherhood
00:29:42
Speaker
In my case, I completely stopped being who I was, but if I had the awareness or the disinformation, or if I had listened to this kind of podcast, then I would have known that
00:29:58
Speaker
okay, I'm about to become a mother or I am a mother today of, you know, one or two babies, children. And I understand that I was somebody that I, you know, loved, embraced before, caring now for, you know, someone else. And I can still do things, even if it's not
00:30:26
Speaker
as regular as it used to be, I can still do things that I enjoy. That makes me feel happy or who makes me feel new and whole again.
00:30:39
Speaker
And these are the rejuvenation practices. But from one mother to another, it could be different. It's based really on who you are and what makes you feel happy. So it's all about figuring out your own needs, acknowledging them, and making sure that you meet your needs, that you care for yourself.
00:31:09
Speaker
So me, I started to practice meditation, for instance, and that was very, very helpful and powerful. Gratitude as well. Reading, I love to read, and it helps me to focus on the pages in front of me and the storyline. And it's not a distraction, but it just makes you
00:31:35
Speaker
more at peace and calm because you're doing something that you love for yourself. You can exercise obviously, I'm a dancer so I love to dance and dancing has been therapy for me as well. So it's just starting to implement, to put in place activities that will be beneficial for your mind, for your body, for your spirit.
00:32:04
Speaker
And just don't say to yourself, oh, no, I'm not going to do that because I have so much to do. I have this and that. No, you have to prioritize you. And once you do that, you become the best you can be. Of course, you will be the best mom for your children. So my advice is really to start today
00:32:34
Speaker
to implement or put in practice whatever fuels you with positivity, with energy, good vibes, and not put that aside, but really thinking that it's a priority for you, for your wellbeing, for your health, consequently for your children as well.
00:33:01
Speaker
Do you think motherhood changes as the child gets older? Or do you think the role of motherhood always remains the same? What shift did you notice maybe in yourself or your kids as maybe that age bracket began to change and they got old and you also grew as a mother too? I think motherhood changes
00:33:29
Speaker
if you change. That's why I have around me some friends that even if the children are not you know they're not caring for the children on a daily basis because they're going to school you still see them behaving
00:33:48
Speaker
like the children are still at home. Do you understand what I mean? They're still seeing themselves as stay-at-home moms once they decided that they wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. So many women does that. They just happen to carry on the same way until the children are gone. Like they're gone to, you know, university.
00:34:17
Speaker
there, it's like, oh, what about me now? But it doesn't have to take those so many years for you to remember who you are. You can remember who you are as soon as the baby is out of your belly or not forget that. And it happens to so many, but because the stories are different from one to another, obviously, but I'm really talking about
00:34:46
Speaker
when you are a stay-at-home mom and you get into that routine, unless you change inside, nothing will change outside. So it really depends on what you really want.
00:35:04
Speaker
And it doesn't have to be five years from the childbirth. It could be straight away in your own way that you want to do things for yourself. But sometimes it's just shocking how you can forget for so many years who you truly are, for many years.
00:35:26
Speaker
And I think that you will just appreciate so much more life and your mother journey if you do the things that you want to do as well. I don't think it's a good example to live for your children, even for them. They need to learn that it's important to care for oneself.
Changing Narratives for Maternal Self-Care
00:35:51
Speaker
Your book seems to be very, since we've had this discussion, it seems that self-care from others is the big theme here. But what do you think is sort of the main products you're selling in your business and the main services you want to provide to people? And additionally, what do you think is sort of the future of what you want to do?
00:36:14
Speaker
I think about the future generations. I just want to avoid the same mistakes being done generation after generation. At the beginning of this discussion, I just said the narrative has to change. If mothers understand how important it is for them to prioritize their own well-being, a lot of things will change.
00:36:44
Speaker
their relationship with their children, their partner, or even, you know, with the outside world would change. We will have more women creative because then just not focusing on their children, but they're doing so many other things as well. Lots of things will change. And most importantly, pain, suffering and would be, you know, less present.
00:37:11
Speaker
we will have less mothers suffering and going into those depressions period because it's all about prevention. So I think about mothers today, but I think as well about future mothers. And if I'm doing what I'm doing today, it's just because I know
00:37:38
Speaker
how difficult it is and how painful it is to not be who you truly are. And I just want mothers to know that they don't have to forget who they truly are because they became mothers. You can still be yourself, your true self.
00:38:01
Speaker
and having amazing kids, healthy, happy, and striving. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for them to be happy, healthy, and successful. Excellent. So this was, I think, a very educational and formative interview. And if you have any souls and words, you'd like to see the audience, please deliver. Yeah, it's just out there. People are there to support.
00:38:30
Speaker
And until you reach out or you ask for help, nothing will happen. You will continue to struggle. We have to, you know, support each other. There, if not many, but we still, you know, nowadays have lots of support groups and it's done to our responsibility to
00:38:56
Speaker
to ask, to ask questions when we don't know, to reach out. We sometimes can feel isolated. But the same again, it's our responsibility to go out and to start to socialize or to be part of mom's group. And once you do that, you're going to have tips. People will advise you. And you will start to feel more
00:39:26
Speaker
comfortable in that new role. Great. All right. Well, thank you again for being on the show, Tessia. This really was a great privilege, and I think a lot of people have learned from this, and I have too. And yeah, I'll see you all next time. This is the James Parrish Show, or James Parrish Edition. See ya.