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Most Men Aren’t Lost | They’re Afraid
78 Plays21 days ago
Most men are not actually confused about what matters to them. They are afraid.
In this episode of The Men’s Collective Podcast, Travis Goodman, LMFT explores how fear quietly shapes men’s lives, relationships, nervous systems, identity, and decisions. Using themes from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, this episode breaks down why so many men stay emotionally guarded, disconnected, overworked, numb, and stuck in survival mode.
This is not a book review. It’s a conversation about fear, purpose, masculinity, emotional health, nervous system regulation, and the internal battle many men face between comfort and growth.
Topics covered:
• Why men confuse safety with peace
• Fear and the male nervous system
• Why fear gets louder before growth
• Hypervigilance, performance, and emotional avoidance
• The connection between fear and masculine identity
• Why unfamiliarity feels dangerous
• Faith, uncertainty, and personal growth
• Men’s mental health and emotional resilience
• Polyvagal Theory and fear responses
• How men can become more grounded under pressure
If you’ve been feeling stuck, disconnected, emotionally exhausted, or afraid to take the next step in life, relationships, or purpose, this episode is for you.
🎧 Listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube
🌐 Learn more at menscollective.co or travisgoodmanlmft.com
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Music by Scott Buckley – released under CC-BY 4.0. www.scottbuckley.com.au
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Transcript
Emotional Stagnation and Misguided Safety
00:00:00
Speaker
I think a lot of men walk around saying that they feel stuck, disconnected, and not sure what matters most to them. But honestly, as I have sat with many men long enough, what I tend to find is that actually they really do know what matters to them most. They know they need to slow down. They know they need to have that hard conversation. They know they need to stop performing. In fact, they might even know the habit, the identity, the job, or the relationships that is making them exhausted. See, the issue is not confusion.
00:00:28
Speaker
But the problem is fear. And I was thinking about this as I was rereading the book, The Alchemist by Apollo Coelho. Thank you, Sam, for reminding me to read that again. The book is really not about treasure, but it's about fear. It's about the fear that pulls people away from themselves. It's about the fear that keeps people stuck and quote unquote safe instead of alive. It's about the hero's journey. It's about the call, the doubt, the fear, the confusion, and then eventually that stepping into the call. And I think a lot of men quietly and subconsciously build their life and organize their life around fear, around the avoidance of what that fear is predicting, the avoidance of what they're assuming might happen if they do that thing or have that conversation or take on that job or invest in that relationship.
00:01:20
Speaker
and then they wonder why they feel so numb. And think the first point that stands out to me as I think about this book is that often we can get stuck as men as confusing safety with peace. Santiago, the main character, who's the shepherd boy, he keeps getting these opportunities.
00:01:34
Speaker
He gets these opportunities to turn back towards certainty, towards comfort, towards predictability, towards what he knows, towards the
Fear, Success, and Internal Emptiness
00:01:42
Speaker
familiar. And honestly, I think a lot of us do that. lot of us men do that. I know I've done that many times. In fact, I remember many decisions in my life I've had to make where there is this kind of intrigue, this soul pull to do something. But with that, a lot of fear, a lot of doubt, a lot of anxiety, a lot of predicting bad outcomes.
00:02:00
Speaker
We stay emotionally guarded because it feels safer. We might overwork and achieve because it feels more comfortable than vulnerability. We might avoid conflict because we want to avoid the disruption of the connection in the relationship. And we numb, we numb with many distractions because sitting in stillness in the quiet of our mind can feel overwhelming. And a lot of what men call responsibility I've seen is actually them stuck in a hypervigilant fight or flight state of the nervous system. And I think eventually they make the mistake of confusing
00:02:34
Speaker
survival mode with maturity, that that feeling, this feels more familiar to be in this constant state of pushing, of achieving, of performing, of doing, of not risking. And I've worked with many men that have quote unquote successful careers, that successful paycheck, right? The house, the cars, the toys, the vacations, they have all the right quote unquote things that we tend to see part of society pushing on men as what it means to be a man, to be strong, to be successful.
00:03:04
Speaker
And they might have this external competency, so to speak. They might even have this kind of notoriety from those around them in praise.
00:03:16
Speaker
But internally, they're exhausted. Internally, they're empty. Internally, they feel stuck. They feel aimless. Because a lot of their decisions are filtered through a lens of, how do I avoid failure?
00:03:30
Speaker
How do I avoid disappointing people? How do I be acceptable? How do I not be a burden? How do I be successful and provide?
The Role of Fear in Personal Growth
00:03:38
Speaker
And the issue is, and this is the interesting piece, is that safety and peace are not always the same thing.
00:03:43
Speaker
And this is a difficult part. A difficult part I've seen is that fear can often get louder right before we actually grow. And that's something in The Alchemist is that fear gets louder before expansion. And that's the second thing that stood out to me in the book is that our internal fear, our worries, our concerns seem to be even bigger right before a big change, right before a big shift. It's kind of like this building effect, this pressure effect.
00:04:09
Speaker
And one thing that really stood out to me is in this point that the alchemist really hit on for me was that every step forward comes with uncertainty. It comes with the unknown. It comes with the unfamiliar. And often I think as men we can misinterpret that feeling.
00:04:23
Speaker
We can assume that if I feel fear that there's something is wrong. But many times fear is just... actually showing up because something matters. It's just uncertain. It's part of growth that the unknown of course is gonna bring some anxiety and fear because we don't know it. And that doesn't mean that it's wrong.
00:04:40
Speaker
It just means that it's unknown. And part of this is down to our nervous system. Our nervous system is wired to keep us safe. Our nervous system is scanning for cues of safety and threat. And anything not known initially is a threat to the nervous system. So when you do something new, if you wanna think about that job or that move or that relationship,
00:04:59
Speaker
and you know it's aligned with you and you get the sense of uncertainty and fear, well, that's gonna predict it as a threat because you don't know it. It is unfamiliar to your nervous system because your nervous system's job is to keep you safe and often familiarity can trump the unknown. And so when you start to become more honest, more visible, more emotionally available, more aligned, protective parts of you can kind of jump in and activate you to get into a survival state.
00:05:25
Speaker
So some examples are maybe starting therapy for the first time, maybe setting a boundary with a family member you're never done with. It might be leaving an environment, a work environment that isn't so supportive or that's toxic, having a difficult, vulnerable conversation with your spouse or your friend, admitting that you're struggling, or maybe even pursuing meaningful work later in life.
00:05:44
Speaker
And your body can in interpret that unfamiliarity as danger. And so a lot of men in that moment can retreat in the presence of fear. The presence of fear does not automatically mean stop.
00:05:55
Speaker
And I know this in my own life through many big decisions where I feel this pull, this call to take that leap, to take that step toward growth. And in the exact same time, this other part of me that's saying, no, tighten, control, step back, avoid, stay comfortable.
Embracing Fear with Faith
00:06:10
Speaker
So you feel this inner this inner tension.
00:06:13
Speaker
And that's where faith comes in. And this third point is that faith is staying connected while uncertainty exists. And I think faith gets misunderstood many times. People think that faith can mean certainty.
00:06:26
Speaker
But actually, I think that faith means staying connected to yourself and to your values when certainty is unavailable. And in the book, Santiago, he keeps moving toward uncertainty.
00:06:38
Speaker
without fully being certain, without fully knowing. and that's that faith piece that he has in finding his personal legend, they call it. And it's not recklessly, but it's with this grounded,
00:06:51
Speaker
trust. And for men, I think this can often look like staying open instead of shutting down. It could be being honest instead of performing. It could look like being grounded versus afraid. And even look like continuing to move forward with your values, being aligned with those, instead of staying in immediate comfort.
00:07:08
Speaker
And the goal is not becoming fearless, But the goal is more about becoming steady in the midst of fear and not letting fear run and rule every decision.
00:07:19
Speaker
I think a lot of men already know that direction that their life is calling them to move in, to step into. i think the hard part is tolerating that uncertainty, that fear that comes with becoming more aligned with your values, that comes with becoming taking that risk. that comes with becoming more grounded, more alive, and more honest.
00:07:36
Speaker
So maybe the question isn't, what do I want? Maybe the deeper question is, what is my fear talking me out of that truly aligns with my value and with who I am as a man?
00:07:48
Speaker
And honestly, that's a lot of work that we do at the Men's Collective.
Coaching for Value Alignment
00:07:51
Speaker
The Men's Collective is a group coaching program that designed teaching men the skills, teaching them to notice when fear shows up, notice when they are misaligned with their value system and their call, their personal legend, helping them navigate that internal world of the unknown, of the anxiety, of the doubt, of the fear, and begin to step into that place with the tools and the relationships and community around them to support those decisions. If it's something you're interested in go to menscollective.co, leave a rating and review, like and follow, and share it with a man that you think would benefit
00:08:26
Speaker
And finally, one last time, I want you to sit with and ask yourself this question. What is my fear today, this moment, keeping me from truly stepping into as a man?
00:08:40
Speaker
Blessings.