Transcript
Speaker: The following podcast is a Jill Devine Media production. Christianity has become known for judgy people, strange words, ancient stories, confusing rules, and a members -only mindset. This is why I stayed away from the church for so long, but it's not supposed to be that way. I'm Jill Devine, a former radio personality with three tattoos, a love for a good tequila, and who's never read the entire Bible.
Speaker: Yet here I am hosting a podcast about faith. The Normal Goes Along Way podcast is your home for real conversations with real people using real language about how faith and real life intersect. Welcome to the conversation.
Speaker: Hey there, this is Laura Fleetwood on Normal Goes a Long Way. Today I am joined in the studio with Christy Bulware, a dear friend of mine. Christy, you and I have known each other several years, probably about five years or so. Could we be pushing 10? Is it that long? Oh my gosh, we're old. We're young.
Speaker: We're young at heart. We're just getting started baby. Yeah, we're just getting started. Um, Christie and I shared a similar journey with anxiety. And I think probably also being women who people look at and go, how could you struggle with anxiety? Like you look like you have it all together. And so I met Christie at one of my dark moments when I was just looking for,
Speaker: local resources to help me get through the day, literally, and walked into one of your fearless meetings and a friendship was started from there. So, Kristy, today we're here talking about your story and we're also talking a lot about anxiety and fear.
Speaker: And most importantly, how you've been able to overcome that through God's help. So why don't you share with our listeners what has brought you to where you are today and a little bit about what's next.
Speaker: Laura thank you for having me on the podcast and your story has touched me and I think that when our stories collide and we talk about authentic things and we're transparent about the things that we've walked through, I mean I remember you talking about being impatient with the struggle that you went through and I felt like
Speaker: I can trust this girl. I could talk to this girl. She gets, she gets it. So I just want to thank you for being authentic with your story as well. And I believe that our friendship bonded because of your authenticity. So thank you so much for that. A little bit about me. So in 2011, I was diagnosed with severe panic and anxiety disorder. I'll never forget the day that primary care physician looked at me and he said, this is what you got. You know, what are you going to do about it? Kind of thing. He gave me some suggestions, some ideas, but just like you said in the intro, I literally thought to myself,
Speaker: Me right not me like I'm the girl that's got it all together like I've never been anxious in my whole entire life What you know and so he looked over my medical records from being in the hospital and just said this is what you have and here are some suggestions and then it was just like this hazy blur from that space like what am I gonna do how am I gonna live like in
Speaker: Annie told me to stop drinking coffee as I was pacing the exam room with a huge cup of vanilla latte. My journey began of understanding severe panic and anxiety disorder in that moment, but what led me to that was really just a workaholic
Speaker: I was super successful in my corporate career and I was obsessed with achievements and accolades and money and the next big thing and my priorities were just all wrong. It was all about me, myself and I and I was a prideful woman and I was overworking and my husband and my two kids at the time, my daughter wasn't born, was getting the leftovers of everything
Speaker: And I thought it was my job to conquer the world, to be a superwoman. So, you know, 2011 had the nervous breakdown and my journey just kind of continued of understanding panic and anxiety. And it was about an 18 month journey of overcoming included medication, counseling, intensive counseling, and that pain kind of just birthed the purpose. And now I'm the founder and president of Fearless Unite, formerly Fearless Women.
Speaker: And now I'm just sharing with the world what I've been through and how difficult it was to overcome it. So take us back. First of all, how old were you when that initially happened? You made me do math. Okay. So 2011, I think 25, I believe I was 25. Okay. So 25, you're kind of at a great point in your career, right? You had kind of climbed up the ranks. And so
Speaker: Did you feel like before it hit, did you feel like life is good? Absolutely. And honestly, the doctor looked at me before he gave me the diagnosis said, Chrissy, has anything traumatic happened in your life? Are you dealing with financial stress? Is your marriage okay? Like he's asking me all these questions. I'm like, yes, yes, yes. I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm making more money than I've ever made. My children are great. My husband is great. Everything is great.
Speaker: And it was like this weird pause because he's like, and I know what's going on here. Like you have severe panic and anxiety disorder. So it's like it didn't compute. And I think that people need to be careful about that because when things are well and good,
Speaker: You don't expect that you could have a diagnosis of severe panic and anxiety disorder because our world feeds it. Our world feeds success as you have to do it. Hustle harder. Boss babe, keep going. Don't stop. Don't surrender. Surrender is a weakness. But really, when you're following Jesus and you're surrendered to God, that's the biggest strength you could have is walking in surrender.
Speaker: And that wasn't what my life looked like. I was a superwoman lady and it wasn't until I had the panic attacks and couldn't leave my bedroom for three weeks that I realized I needed to untie my superwoman cape and lay it at the feet of Jesus. So what did that look like when the symptoms started?
Speaker: What were they and how did you handle it before you knew what was going on? There's somebody listening here today that is going to go, oh my gosh, this has happened to me. So what happens with stress and anxiety is when you are on overload and you're in fight or flight at all time because you never rest and you're constantly going, when you try to rest,
Speaker: it will often trigger a panic attack. So what happened was I was resting on the sunny beaches of Cancun, sipping my drink, reading People magazine. I all of a sudden realized that I can't breathe and I'm literally looking at the beach and in the ocean and should have been completely relaxed.
Speaker: And I had never experienced a panic attack yet, so I didn't know what to do. So I look at my husband, I look at my friends, I'm like, I gotta go for a second. I couldn't speak. So I go up to my room, I'm pacing back and forth. I can't decide if I need to poop or throw up. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt.
Speaker: My the maid comes in trying to clean she can tell she can't speak English, but she can tell I'm severely Distressed and she you know I could tell she's like are you okay? Do you need me to do something because I thought I'm gonna go to the Mexican hospital That's exactly what's gonna have to happen and so you know I realized I had packed a really powerful fan because I have to sleep with white noise and I put the fan up to the the tip of my nose and that air blowing on me made me
Speaker: take deep breaths. And that's what slowed it down. So it was like this 30 minute chaos where I didn't know what was happening. And then all of a sudden it was like, poof, it was just gone. So I go back, I see my husband, my friends. I'm like, I have no idea what just happened to me there, but that was weird. And Troy's like,
Speaker: We're in Mexico. You drink some bad food or what? Like don't worry. No worry. And it wasn't until when I landed in St. Louis, when the vacation was over, I turned on my phone and realized I had like 200 emails that needed to be responded to, that I started getting black dots in my eyes and I started getting paralysis on the right side of my body.
Speaker: in the airport and I'm like, I think I'm having a stroke. I don't know, and I tell Troy, and of course, medical things scare me anyway, so when my body started breaking down like that, it's a snowball of crazy because then you're like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, and you can't get your breath. And so that led to about 48 hours of just really intense anxiety at my home to where the whole right side of my body went limp and numb.
Speaker: So I called my primary care in the middle of the night and he said, I think you're having a stroke. You need to go to the emergency room right now. And that is kind of where all the pieces started to come in because you get to the emergency room, they admit me, they do the whole workup, MRI, everything. Doctor comes back in, the hospital doctor's like, Christy, everything checked out fine, you're fine. I'm like, and then you just want to slap him in the face. That's the worst. You're like, I am not fine. Find something wrong with me so we can fix it.
Speaker: Yeah, like I'm having a heart attack. I know I am. And he's like, no, nope, this is anxiety. And I'm like, what? Anxiety makes you feel like your heart's gonna stop. Like you just, you can't compute. And God loved the doctor. I mean, they are doing what they're trained to do, but they're inundated. They've got so much going on. They don't have time to sit with you and hold your hand and explain to you what's happening in your body and why. So he gives me a bottle of Xanax and says, take this, you'll do better. Make sure you follow up with your primary care physician. And I'm like,
Speaker: What? So I get discharged from the hospital, no hope, have no idea what's happening to me with a bottle of Xanax. And that's where I realized my life is going to change forever if I don't figure out what's going on with this. So how did your healing journey happen? You said that after the primary care physician diagnosed you, it took about 18 months. Um, kind of share your, your thought process and
Speaker: What that looked like, what changes did you have to make? You know how they say sometimes you have to have an end of the rope moment for something to really wake you up? For sure. So it had been about three weeks since I'd been to my primary care and he had given me the official diagnosis. He'd given me antidepressants and told me to take the Xanax if I felt like I was going to have to call 911.
Speaker: So at this point in my journey, I still had not taken the medicine because I didn't understand the medicine and I was scared of the medicine. And for some reason I felt like if I took the medicine, it would be a death sentence that I would have to take it for the rest of my life.
Speaker: And there are people that have specific genetics where they do need antidepressants. And for that, thank you, Jesus, that we have those types of medications. But for me, I'm the kind of person that has to understand what's getting put into my body and why I need it in order to have peace with it. And I had not been educated on what was happening and why I needed it and why it would be helpful.
Speaker: So, it was about three weeks of my journey and Laura, when I tell you that it was hell, that is an understatement because I couldn't leave my bedroom. My parents, my mom had to watch my children. Anytime I opened the door to try to do life, the anxiety was so all -consuming that I couldn't breathe or function. Hair was falling out of my head in clumps. I hadn't eaten. I hadn't slept.
Speaker: I was a walking zombie and at one point my husband keeps hunting guns in the corner of our bedroom and they're not locked or they're not loaded, but it was my life had gotten so dark and so disturbing that just the thought of those guns before me was like a temptation of like, well, what if you just use those guns?
Speaker: your life is going to be like this forever. You're never going to get through this. This is going to be who you are forever. So wouldn't it just be easier to just end it now? And it was the most awful feeling I've ever felt in my life. And the temptation of darkness set before me was like,
Speaker: How did I get here? How is this happening? And even the thought that I contemplated, maybe it would be better not being here because I don't think I can do this. If this is my life sentence, take me now because I can't do this.
Speaker: So you asked like, what was my moment? My moment was on my bedroom floor, looking up to a little cross that I received from a friend, um, going back to my Catholic roots, because at this point I wasn't truly a follower of Jesus, but laying on my knees saying, God, if you're real,
Speaker: If you can help me, please do. Please intercede. Please do something. And you know what? I promise I'll live my life for you. I didn't even know what I was saying in those moments. It was just this cry of desperation. Please help me. Please save me. Please get me through this.
Speaker: And then my husband came home and he saw that I had put a blanket over the guns in the corner of the room. And he saw it immediately. He said, Christie, why are there blankets over my guns? And I just, oh, Laura like lost it in his arms and just said, I had a really hard day.
Speaker: They were a temptation and he just knew, he knew in that moment like, oh my, this is like, this is serious. And that evening he was being kind of just mentored by a godly person in her life. And that mentor just said, you grab her up in your arms and you pray over her.
Speaker: And at that point in our marriage, we had never experienced like pray together type of thing. It was kind of, you know, like we just didn't do that. And he held me in his arms and he prayed and he asked God for wisdom. He said that we do not accept what Christie is going through right now and we need help. Please guide us, please lead us. And shortly after that prayer, the next day, well,
Speaker: I slept for the first time that night after the prayer and that was incredible. So it's like the tide just started to turn in my favor once that surrender moment took place. And the very next day I felt a prompting to reach out to an old college friend
Speaker: And I did it just and I know it was the Lord leading me and turns out she had experienced the exact same diagnosis and almost the exact same story as I did. And she just poured out her wisdom on me telling me, hey, you're not going to get through this without a real relationship with Jesus. So make sure that's your priority.
Speaker: like 10 books to read to help me understand what I had been going through told me take the medicine that the doctor gave me that it will be helpful and it was just like those were the moments that I needed to really realize like okay I am gonna get through this this is gonna be hard this is gonna be some hard work and I'm gonna have to really dig deep but I had hope after that. I just want to say for anybody
Speaker: listening that chances are either you are struggling with something similar or you have someone in your life struggling with something similar because anxiety impacts like a one out of four Americans. And so this is a really important conversation. What would you say, Christy, to somebody who is listening and saying,
Speaker: I totally relate, but I haven't gotten to the healing yet. I'm still in the darkness. What would you say to them like your friend said to you?
Speaker: I think first and foremost, you need to know that you're seen and you're loved and that just because the healing or your breakthrough moment hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it still can't and that don't give up. I think I get frustrated when I hear people talk about suicide in a way that it's so selfish and it's like just in such a negative light.
Speaker: I've been in that darkness where it's like I'm grateful. I didn't do it I didn't take my life, but I understand the depths of hell that it that it's like and you're not selfish in that moment you actually think that you'd be helping your family out or you would be that it would be a better off without you and that is a lie from the pits of hell that the enemy wants you to believe and
Speaker: And so I guess the thing is don't give up, seek help. You talk about your tribe, find the tribe, find your team, find your people. I think a good clinician is so important. If you are seeing a mental health specialist that doesn't seem to be understanding you or isn't quite good, advocate for yourself.
Speaker: find the right one. And then a Christian counselor. I really believe that overcoming fear and anxiety is a spiritual, but also a physical and a mental thing. So it's like, you cannot forget the Jesus part when you're trying to overcome a mental health battle. But we also sometimes in the faith community will be like, well, you just need to pray more. You just need to read your Bible more. You just need to worship more. All that stuff is great.
Speaker: But sometimes you need that physical help, like with talking through with a therapist or the medication or changing your diet or getting more exercise, changing the physical things of your life to help. It's a full circle thing. So that breakthrough moment, maybe you haven't had it yet because there are other areas that God is working in that He needs you to awaken yourself to.
Speaker: So I think the holistic approach that we are body, soul, and spirit and all of those things need to be worked through before we might find that total breakthrough moment. And that's really the passion behind your current career, right? So walk us through what Fearless Unite is and some other resources that you are currently working on that people can
Speaker: utilize right away to get some help and to get some insight.
Speaker: So Laura, you mentioned one in four. So the recent statistic is 46 million Americans will reach a mental health diagnosis by adolescents. And I just thought, that's half of America, Laura. So Fearless Unite recognizes that, that this is no joke and there has to be resources and conversation and community around these topics so that we can walk alongside people
Speaker: and help them be overcomers through the power of Jesus and taking a holistic approach to it. So Fearless Unite is an organization that helps people overcome fear and anxiety in a world that feeds fear and anxiety. So what we do, we've really taken a step back from kind of the bigger events. We used to be, every month we would have these really large big events and now we've realized that people need community, that people need discipleship, that people,
Speaker: Don't just talk to me about fear and anxiety, walk me through fear and anxiety. So what we're doing is having retreats where we get away in a beautiful place and we pour into you for three solid days and we have impact studies. Those are our version of Bible studies where we have 10 different studies that you can choose and walk shoulder to shoulder with another somebody that's dealing with fear and anxiety and take a Bible study for six to eight weeks.
Speaker: We also have what we're calling like nourish events and nourish events or when we get away to a little coffee shop or we get away to a tea shop and we just allow 25 to 30 women in and we spend two hours with them where we pour into them and teach them how to nourish their body soul and spirit. So Fearless Unite is an organization that walks alongside of you and we just have community events all throughout the year and I'm proud to be a part of it.
Speaker: So where can people find more information about the next event coming up or just be able to learn about the Bible studies or anything that you're involved in? Super easy. Fearlessunite .com. Fearlessunite .com and you just go to upcoming events and it'll tell you the things that we have going on. That's awesome. I would encourage all of you to check that out because like I said, even if you're not struggling, chances are you know somebody
Speaker: who is, and I know that you have impact studies all around the country, not just here in the St. Louis area, so don't let your location be a barrier either to getting some of these resources and help into the hands of people who need them. So before we get to something really exciting that's happening in your life, I would like to ask you this question, because this is something that I think I still wrestle with.
Speaker: What do you tell the person who is experiencing a mental health struggle and they feel shame around it? Because, you know, I think when I went through my struggle, I was a church worker, even back then, you know, it's like people look at you and think, oh, you're supposed to have everything together. And here you are thinking you're doing everything right and your life is falling apart. And I think that,
Speaker: Satan uses that to bring a lot of shame, and it's so isolating anyway to be struggling with your mental health. So what is some encouragement that you can offer somebody who is just feeling like that this is not fair, that this is something that I don't deserve, that people are going to think less of me if I start sharing what I'm going through?
Speaker: I think the question that comes to my heart is to ask yourself, who told you, you have to be perfect.
Speaker: Who told you you have to have it all together? Who told you that you have to be superwoman or superman? Who told you that? Because often it's a lie that we believe inside ourselves that we can't be vulnerable, that we can't be, that we have to be successful. And especially with highly driven people that are just built differently. We struggle with this idea that we have to be perfect or we have to have it all together.
Speaker: So, who told you that? And then the next thing I would say is, have you read the Bible? Because, you know, we got King David, he was a big mess, and lamenting, and walked through depression. And there's a psalm that he has that like, and you read it in the Passion version, we'll have to link it in the show notes because I can't remember specifically.
Speaker: But you read it and you're like, whoa, this makes me uncomfortable, like how much he was depressed and anxious. And I think about Jesus in the garden where he sweat blood, right?
Speaker: There are things that we don't even look at our unpack in scripture that is right in front of our eyes that they struggled to and they had problems with depression and anxiety. The words just weren't defined like that then, right?
Speaker: Mental health is more of a buzzword now, but we live in a fallen broken world. And as soon as Adam and Eve decided to sin, our world became broken. And that means that our mental health is broken. And so I think it's one of those things where we don't have to be perfect. We don't have to have it all together, but we do need to try.
Speaker: We do need to understand what's happening to our bodies and why we're experiencing the things we're experiencing. I have this little phrase that I call it smoke alarms. If a smoke alarm was going off right now, Laura, what would you and I do? We would be like,
Speaker: We gotta stop this podcast. We gotta take care of something right now. Well, what happens is God has built individual smoke alarms inside of our bodies, but we ignore them every single day. That insomnia, that headache, that tension in your shoulder blades, that stomach ache that won't go away, that shortness of breath, that tightness in your chest, all of those things are smoke alarms going
Speaker: Laura, Christy, hey, something's not right. Pay attention to this, but we don't. We just buzz right through. We ignore the smoke alarms and then things just snowball more and more out of control. So part of my passion is teaching people about smoke alarms and saying, hey, don't ignore that. There's a reason that God gave us those smoke alarms. And if we'll just be diligent to pay attention to those, we might not get so far down the road.
Speaker: I hope I answered your question. Yes, absolutely, absolutely. So you are getting ready to launch a book. You wrote a book? You say that. It's like, I did. I did write a book. That is so amazing. So tell us about the book, who it's for, and when it'll be available. So the book will be available April 11th, and it's called Nervous Breakthrough, Finding Freedom from Fear.
Speaker: and anxiety in a world that feeds it. And I think that it's true. We live in a world that constantly feeds fear and anxiety. So how are we going to rise up? How are we going to be men and women of God that will realize that fear and anxiety is all around it, but not let us
Speaker: Consume us not let it take us down. So the book is 13 chapters. It walks you through my story and Just piece by piece also the setbacks that I had because even though I came out of it on the other side I still have what I call aftershocks. Yeah
Speaker: and I'm not perfect and I'll still have some panic and anxiety attacks from time to time and I'll walk you through those and what I do. But really it's truly about 13 chapters of what I did to institute a healthy body, soul and spirit in my life so that I can be an overcomer through fear and anxiety. So I say severe panic and anxiety disorder was a label I once was, but it's not who I am anymore.
Speaker: so people can find the book where? Amazon, you can go on Amazon, but you can also get it at FearlessUnite .com. If you're local to this area, we're gonna have a few spots where you can check it out. Oh, that's exciting. Yes, you'll have a little local place to go pick it up, but if you're just an Amazon Prime member and you can't wait to get it, you can order it on Amazon too.
Speaker: Awesome. Well, is there anything else you would like to say to people who are listening who some of this just resonated with any encouragement?
Speaker: or anything else that you'd like to share? I think, Laura, we're two women that are speaking about this pretty openly and candidly. But I guess I just want to say that anxiety doesn't pick sides, that men deal with this as well. And if you are a man listening to this today and you haven't quite taken the steps,
Speaker: to be open and vulnerable with the fact that you are struggling with this, please do, please do. I know that my husband has been talking openly about his journey with what it was like to love me through anxiety, but then also having his own experiences with fear and anxiety. Uh, we would love to talk to you about that. We would love to walk through that with you. You're not alone and just be brave, be bold and go ahead and tell somebody you're struggling.
Speaker: Thank you so much to everybody listening. We know that you all have a story as well. Everybody.
Speaker: has struggles in this life. And we just need to share those struggles. And that's what God uses to bring people into our lives to walk alongside us. So today's topic happened to be about fear and anxiety. We hope to cover more issues in the coming months so that we can equip you and share stories that really hit home. That's what normal goes a long way is all about, that we're just normal.
Speaker: people who believe in an amazing, wonderful God. And so we have been pray that this episode was a key part of your journey.
