Transcript
Raffi & Ibi: Hi, welcome back to the Better Marriage Podcast. Today we're going to talk about lousy things. That's our plan for today, lousy things. Because lousy things happen in in life and in marriage.
Raffi & Ibi: um And one of the ways that we deal with that in marriage, often the men folk, we do this, and you'll see tons of memes and jokes and stuff about this. And that's partially because it's true, is because men go, okay, let me fix this for you.
Raffi & Ibi: Let me fix this for you. Right. The wife comes home and says, oh, God, today was terrible. And he says, oh, well, you know, did you try this? Did you try that? No, no, guys, guys, stop. And women, too, if you're that, star star stop, stop, stop.
Raffi & Ibi: Right. the The fix it. the I want to make it better. um is not where to go with that.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yes. So from a woman's perspective, from a personal perspective, if I come home, I've had a horrible day, traffic was bad, everything just went wrong. My tire went flat, all the things. And I walk into the door and I say, I've had the worst day. I hate everything. No,
Raffi & Ibi: I'll go fix your flight tire, no problem.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: no no no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm looking for because I can handle the flat tire. I can handle majority of
Raffi & Ibi: No, but I'll fix your flight tire for you, E.I.B. I'll fix your flight tire for you.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: What I need is for you to hold my hand, give me a hug, sit next to me.
Raffi & Ibi: No, Ivy, your tire is flat. I'm going out to fix it right now. You see, no, course. And what's happening now in our in the marriage is that we're both getting so frustrated, right?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yes.
Raffi & Ibi: by Guys, you've had this so many times. You offer the great time. You're walking out with the tire iron, and she's annoyed at you, and you're annoyed at her when all you did was try to fix the problem. What went wrong?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: She just wants to be seen.
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: That's just what it is. She wants to be seen.
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: She wants to be heard. She wants to be validated. She wants you to empathize. She wants to make sure that you can sit in the muck and in the trenches with her. I'm not saying that she wants you to also have a bad day.
Raffi & Ibi: No.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: That's not what I'm saying at all. But think about it when two women are on the phone and one person says, oh, I'm having the worst day. My tire was flat. The other woman doesn't say, oh my gosh, hang up the phone.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Let me run and fix it. They're like, oh my gosh, that really sucks.
Raffi & Ibi: Men will do that. Men will do that. I'll hang up the phone over and run over to fix it.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Men will.
Raffi & Ibi: Right.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Men will. Men will.
Raffi & Ibi: By the way, this is also true in the other direction you know and with any genders, but this is the typical way. So not to you know cast shade on anybody, but this is the way it tends to work. And men get super frustrated and women get super frustrated because the man doesn't get it.
Raffi & Ibi: And the man's like, yes, I do. I'm trying to fix the tire. That's what you said. annoying for everybody. Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: But we have to learn to read between the lines. And this is both for men and women, right? Like ask yourself, how is she feeling? What does she need from me? And then ask her, like open your mouth and actually ask her, okay, in this moment, what's going on with you?
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: And how can I help? Is there any way that I can help? She might just be like, you know what?
Raffi & Ibi: Right.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: I just need some time to myself. That doesn't mean she's rejecting you or that he's rejecting you.
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: and Because I know I get that way sometimes when I'm just so frustrated. I just need a moment to breathe by myself. And then I can come out and have a conversation with my husband. Not because I'm rejecting him or i don't like him. It's just...
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: I'm overstimulated. just need to breathe a little bit and then I can come out and speak in a respectful way to him. Right. So ask, what is it that you need from me? What would make you feel better?
Raffi & Ibi: Right.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: You know what?
Raffi & Ibi: I think that the trench metaphor you had, i think the trench metaphor was good, right?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Let's just sit down together.
Raffi & Ibi: Your first assumption should be if your spouse comes home and they're in the trench, they're in the muck, the first thing you've got to do is get in there.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: hmm.
Raffi & Ibi: And not because you're supposed to have a bad day also. But when you come to me and say, I'm in a negative place, I'm going to get in there with you just temporarily. I'm gonna get in the muck with you and I'm going say, wow that stinks.
Raffi & Ibi: Oh, that's awful. Oh, your boss said that. Oh, that's the worst. I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to fix it. I'm not going to try to fix the tire. Oh, you had a flat tire. Oh, that's so stressful. That's it. I'm just saying, oh, that's so stressful.
Raffi & Ibi: Right. I'm getting in there with you. I'm offering that empathy. That is your practical tip for today. Just offer the empathy, get in the trench with them, get in the darkness and the muck and say, wow, it's really awful in here. And then you can go about your merry way and get out afterwards. But don't try to start by fixing the problem, even though it seems like a great idea.
Raffi & Ibi: But if it was a great idea and if it was working, you wouldn't be wondering why does this never work? But you know it doesn't work because you've tried it many times and it hasn't.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yeah. I would also say, check yourself. Are you uncomfortable in the trenches with your spouse? Right. Are you quick to be like, oh my gosh, I am sensing there's sadness in the room, there's frustration in the room. And I just cannot handle that on somebody else. So I want us to quickly move to joy.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: We have to learn to bear a little bit of weight, a little bit of emotional weight when we're in a loving relationship.
Raffi & Ibi: paradoxically that's the way through the only way through the swamp is through it you cannot drain the swamp instantly you cannot pretend it's not there or it gets worse you got to go through it and it's hard sometimes but uh the way through folks it's empathy before solutions that's the way to go so thanks for joining us on the better marriage podcast we will see you next week with another actionable tip
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: I like it.
