Transcript
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Hey there, everyone, and welcome to the Better Marriage Podcast, where we give you short, actionable tips to make your marriage better. So, Rafi, how are you feeling today?
Raffi & Ibi: I will tell you how I'm feeling today, Ivy. I am feeling pretty itchy. I'm itchy.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: It's me.
Raffi & Ibi: if yeah If you are watching this, you'll see I'm a little bit scruffy. Ivy, you say you don't notice these things, but I am unshaven.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: I don't.
Raffi & Ibi: And the reason for that is because is ah it is a time of mourning for the Jewish people. We're in a mourning period. and one of our mourning practices is that we don't shave. So I am feeling a little scruffy and a little itchy, which is not so relevant to this podcast. However, what is relevant to our podcast is that a time of mourning for us is also a time of self-reflection.
Raffi & Ibi: And we are supposed to be focusing on what we can do better and how we can improve ourselves to improve the lot of the entire nation. And so that's relevant because self-reflection is a really important part of any marriage and relationship.
Raffi & Ibi: And so the thing that I think we want to talk about today is that often when something comes up in a relationship, in a marriage, we are very quick to point fingers. And I would like to talk about pointing the finger right back at ourselves, right? It's really important to take a look at yourself in general, in the relationship, when it comes to a specific matter also. Like, let's look at ourselves and focus on what we could do differently.
Raffi & Ibi: I often tell our couple my couples that in any given situation, there's something that you can both do. Even if your partner is like way out of line and they were wrong for doing what they did, but there's something you could do differently.
Raffi & Ibi: So self-reflection means, let me take a look at myself. What could I do differently in this situation?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yeah. I like that. The thing is that in a relationship, there's only one person that you can change. And that is you.
Raffi & Ibi: Who's that, Ivy?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: It's me. That's it. You cannot change your spouse. It doesn't matter how much you love them. doesn't matter matter how much you want to nag at them. You want to yell at them.
Raffi & Ibi: yeah everyone but what if I really want to change them?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: It doesn't work.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Well, sorry. You cannot change them, but you know what could help? You know what could help when you try to take a look on the inside and say, how can I start to change myself?
Raffi & Ibi: What?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: And then that could be the thing that can spark new behavior in the relationship.
Raffi & Ibi: wait i be Wait, wait, wait, wait. What if they're actually really wrong, though?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Can't change them. Sorry.
Raffi & Ibi: Okay, but but wait, but what well what if I know that they're wrong and I know that they know they're wrong?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Sorry. Cannot change them.
Raffi & Ibi: What if I have book that shows them?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Cannot. You can nag.
Raffi & Ibi: No?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Nope, nope, nope. They will become defensive. It'll become a whole argument. You cannot, can't change your kids, can't change anyone.
Raffi & Ibi: Okay, so what should I do if actually my spouse is wrong and I don't like what they're doing?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Okay. Remember when we talked about active listening, we talked about ways to open up and talk to your spouse, have a full conversation, but don't make it only about you did this and you did that and you did this and you did that.
Raffi & Ibi: Right. So self-reflection, meaning look at what you can do.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Reflections.
Raffi & Ibi: Right. There are things you can do. And there's a whole litany of tools that we'll be talking about throughout this podcast. But the point that you're making is this. Like you said, you can't change somebody else. You can change yourself. And that doesn't mean that you have to be you have to admit that you are wrong or that you have to admit that your partner is right.
Raffi & Ibi: But self-reflection is key because, like you said, I'm the only one that I can change. And there are things that I can change in any given moment.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yeah.
Raffi & Ibi: You know, if my partner is yelling and I don't like their yelling and they may be wrong to yell, I can choose to walk away rather than responding in kind.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yes.
Raffi & Ibi: Right. If they are being passive aggressive, I can choose to you know talk about what's going on or to take a break or all the things we've talked about rather than go back and snipe with them myself.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yeah. Yeah. I like the idea of repaying with kindness, right? So if someone is up here screaming, yelling, whatever it is, I'm assuming no screaming, but you know, it's heated in there.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: When we are now down here, more level, more neutral things become a little bit better in some situations, or, you know, like you said, walk away. It's about asking yourself, am I the best wife that I can be in this situation?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Am I the best husband that I can be in this situation? Am I thinking about my spouse the way I should be thinking about my spouse? Am I acting towards my spouse in the in the best way, for the best good of the home, for the highest good of the home?
Raffi & Ibi: Right.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Important question to ask yourself.
Raffi & Ibi: of Yeah, the specific tactic you're going to employ in that situation could vary from situation to situation. But the key here, again, self-reflection. Am I doing the best thing?
Raffi & Ibi: What could I do differently? Instead of, well, they're not doing the right thing. That's not fair. That's not right. That's not what Rafi and Ivy said we should be doing here. It doesn't help.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: and
Raffi & Ibi: What helps is, what could I be doing in this situation? Am I being the best wife or husband? Am I handling this as best as I could? Right. So in any situation, in any relationship, focusing on yourself, focusing on what I could be doing differently, that is going to make a big difference in the way the relationship goes.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yeah, I like that. And I think ultimately it it could make you a happier person because imagine how much grief it gives you to constantly be pointing out everything that your spouse is doing wrong.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: But when it's like, you know what? I cannot change them. I cannot change anything about this circumstance when it comes to their behavior. But guess what?
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: I can change the way I react. I can change how I talk. I can change what I do. I can take a time out if I need to. i can come back. I can have a good conversation when it comes to my part of the conversation.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: And i'm i'm I'm telling you, assuming that your spouse is a kind person, assuming that your spouse does want to make the relationship better. When people treat us better, generally,
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: we tend to let our guard down and things begin to shift. Generally, I'm just making assumptions here.
Raffi & Ibi: It's very empowering. Like you said, it's very empowering to have that that choice of what you're going to do. Yep. So self-reflection, pay attention to yourself, make your own choices. That is the actionable tip for today.
Raffi & Ibi: We will see you again next week with more ideas and more ways to make your marriage better than it is right now.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: right. Have a good day, guys.
