Transcript
Raffi & Ibi: Hello and welcome back to the Better Marriage Podcast, where we are going to share with you yet another actionable tip to make your marriage better than it is right now. So today we are going to focus on something deeply research-based. It comes from 40 years of research from John Gottman, who knows a whole lot about what makes marriages work and not work. And one of his favorite things to talk about is bids, bids in a relationship and how they build connections. So Ivy, what is a bid?
Ibinye : A bid for connection is simply a subtle and sometimes not so subtle way that one partner is seeking connection from another partner. Sometimes they are aware that this is what they're doing.
Ibinye : Sometimes they have no clue that this is what they're doing. It's just a behavior, sound, something that you're doing to draw your partner closer to you. that's That's all it is.
Raffi & Ibi: Right, so it's pretty simple and straightforward. It's not like you are writing a quick letter or post-it love note, which you could do, but even just saying like, hey, would you like to go for a walk?
Raffi & Ibi: Or hey, check out that really ugly dachshund outside the window. I really hate wiener dogs. or whatever it is that you are noticing, but just bringing that to your partner's attention, that is some way that you're saying like, oh, you're my spouse and I wanna share just random things with you.
Raffi & Ibi: Sharing random things, that's what we do with people we're close to, right? You would not pass somebody on the street and comment on their ugly dachshund hound. Right, that would go poorly. But when you pass that guy, you you may nudge your wife or a husband like that was a really ugly dog. ah Oh, yeah, sure.
Raffi & Ibi: So making bids is something we do naturally. And what you want to do with that is you would like to turn towards those bids, right? There are three things you could do in response to a bid, right? What are they again? They are turning towards and turning away turning away and turning against. Okay, take What what are those three, Ivy?
Ibinye : Okay. Turning towards you accept the invitation. So your husband says to you, look at that ugly duck out there. And you say, wow whoa, that is ugly. Or you just look at it, you chuckle, done with it. That's turning towards.
Raffi & Ibi: Right.
Ibinye : Turning away, ignore. Turning against, that's not an ugly duck. That's a beautiful duck. What's wrong with you?
Raffi & Ibi: Right, so you want to somehow accept what they are offering and just turn back to them and say, okay, I will accept this connection, right? Oh, it is a nice day outside.
Raffi & Ibi: Or, oh yeah, I would like to go for a walk. Or even, you know what, I'm not really in the mood right now, let's go play bridge instead. Whatever it's gonna be, it's like I'm just accepting this attempt at connection.
Ibinye : Yeah.
Raffi & Ibi: Right. So that means you're not looking in your phone and just tapping away when someone's talking to you. If your spouse says, hey, honey, we're out of milk, that could be something small. it it might not be just a request. It is a bid for connection.
Raffi & Ibi: And you can say, oh, that stinks. That's it. But if you're in your phone, tap, tap, tapping away and texting somebody and you don't notice or you go, that's nice, right? Yes, you said something, but you clearly were dismissing them. Oh, that's nice, right? So you are turning away. You are missing an opportunity, right? And then again, turning against is where you push back and and make a whole big deal out of it. Well, you're supposed to get the milk. Why did you? Don't bother me. What's with all then all the things that that escalate from something small to something big. um So the key is to try to notice when your partner is reaching out in this way.
Ibinye : Yes. Now, please don't hear us saying you have to acquiesce every single time your partner sends you a reel. Like now you're going to all day on the phone looking at reels all day. No, you're not like trapped into anything, but essentially bids are just opportunities for connection. So you want to catch those small and big opportunities for connection because you can never have too much positive connection in your marriage.
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah. Now you might ask me, okay, great. Connection is great. How do I notice these things? Every time my spouse speaks to me, I'm supposed to rush up and give them a hug. No, no, no, no, no. First of all, it is possible. Every time there's an interaction is ah is an opportunity for connection or disconnection.
Raffi & Ibi: So yeah, if your spouse says something, just take a moment to perk up. Listen, right? Listening and paying attention is the first thing. And then say something in response, polite, friendly, connecting, as opposed to, that's nice, honey.
Raffi & Ibi: Or obviously, as opposed to turning against them and making a big deal about it. It doesn't mean you have to do it every time. It's not like every time there's a bid and you miss it, you are somehow harming the relationship.
Raffi & Ibi: But every time there's a bid and you catch it, you are improving the relationship, right? These are just small ways to keep sharpening the saw and keep moving things forward.
Ibinye : Yeah, because the small things matter. um Sometimes in session, I'll actually ask couples, let's just take a moment to think, what are some of the bids that you have made today or last week to your spouse? Because again, we're not making these bids on purpose or consciously. Sometimes we just, you know, like, and you so you share a reel with your spouse or you look at the duck outside and it just helps us understand how we are seeking connection And it also helps our spouses understand how we see connection. So now we begin to realize when we say, can you taste the rice that I made?
Ibinye : That is a small bid for connection.
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah.
Ibinye : It's not like we need you to taste the rice. we really don't. We know it tastes delicious, but it's just a way to connect with your spouse.
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah, I think something you said is really important, which was small things matter, right? Sometimes people think that the relationship is built on trips to the Bahamas or you know, anniversary parties or, you know whatever big gestures. And it's really not. It's it's built on all of these small things. And when you ask your spouse to taste the rice, what do they do with that?
Raffi & Ibi: Because day in, day out, we're living with each other. And sometimes people feel like, wow, this has become very practical. Who's taking the kids where and who's going to pick up the dry cleaning and what time are we getting up in the morning? And it does get to be that way. But all of these are are opportunities for connection, right? Is, hey, who's picking up the kids today? Oh, I don't know, honey. I'll check the calendar. Thanks for reminding me.
Raffi & Ibi: Like it's a small way that we connected and it's not huge. It's not explosive, but it's all these tiny little things that build up over time to make a great relationship.
Ibinye : I like that. All those tiny little things build up to make a great relationship. That's great story.
Raffi & Ibi: Yeah, John Gottman says it like this, small things often. That's what it is, right? So recap for today. When your spouse says anything to you, consider that it might be a bid for connection and respond by turning towards them.
Ibinye : Love it.
Raffi & Ibi: All right, see you guys next time on the Better Marriage Podcast.
Ibinye : button
Raffi & Ibi: Bye.
