Transcript
Raffi: Okay, here we are on the Better Marriage podcast. We were actually in the middle of a conversation when I decided to hit record because we were just fulminating. We were fulminating about this. Ivy, what was that thing you just told me about um about people listening with their eyes and not their ears? Oh, it was the other way around. What did you say?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: So we were talking about Rafi. um
Raffi: Wait, Ivy, I can't even hear you. Your volume is very low. Is that me or is that you?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Okay, can you hear me now?
Raffi: ah Better. Go for it. Go.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Okay, so we were talking about the importance of putting away phones during important conversations and important moments. And then I was like, can we tell people why this is actually important?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Because I've had a million clients say to me, Well, I listen with my ears and not my eyes. So why do I have my phone away?
Raffi: Yeah, I don't. like No, you can't. You can't do that, folks.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: It's an important question. They need to know why do have phone away?
Raffi: Okay, go tell them the answer.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Here's the answer, right? When we look at our spouses, right? That is a way to connect with our spouses. That's number one. Number two, when you pay attention to your spouse's conversation, right?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: It says to them that you actually care, that they're actually important. And the idea of, well, I can scroll on Instagram while listening to my wife talk about our future at the same time.
Raffi: Yeah. I, I'm shocked that people actually say suggest that to you.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: It's the man.
Raffi: I'm going to guess it's mostly men that say that it's mostly men that say, right.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: It's the man. is the man
Raffi: Because here's the thing, men are looking for like facts. They think that when their wife tells them, I, you know, here's what's going on, that they're supposed to pay off the facts, which they can do because, know, they'll look with their head. Oh no, I know what you said.
Raffi: You said A, B, and C, but that's, that's really not the point is what their wife is trying to tell them is no, I just, I want you to know what's going on with me and to like, we We're working on this. We're connecting.
Raffi: we It's not just passing along the facts.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yes.
Raffi: And that's that's important. Okay, so you that we are talking about like why's and what's whatever, but the the point that we're gonna drive at, we'll talk about, you know we we'll come back to a couple times this episode, is is what to do with your phone, which is not be staring at it when you're talking to each other.
Raffi: Right. And so I think one of the real important ways that we can best um minimize the impact of the phone on our lives. And it's impacting us all in so many ways, which we'll talk about.
Raffi: But I do this in my family and I don't know what what you do in yours, Ivy. But at dinnertime, there's just no phones.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yes.
Raffi: There's no phones at dinnertime. Right. There's no devices. We do have a home line, a home phone line. If that rings, we don't pick it up. Right, so phones are off during dinner time because dinner time is that time where people just get to dump whatever's going on.
Raffi: And by the way, my kids make a lot of fun of us as parents for like, oh, you have to have family dinner and ha ha ha, we're gonna talk to the family and they still love it, right?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: eat
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: do
Raffi: They will never admit it. but they like to come home and talk about the dumb thing that happened at school or at camp right now, it's summertime. And she said this and it rained on us and all these things, right?
Raffi: And there's no phones distracting us. And even though i can look at my phone, like you said, and repeat what happened, That's not good enough. It's not about catching the facts that happened. It's about the fact that we are connecting, right? So the the take home for today is during mealtime, we put away the phone.
Raffi: And I'm sure that comes up in so many different kinds of ways that you see with your client's IV, yeah?
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yes, even during important conversations, like you're having an important conversation about what happened. Your wife or your husband is sad about something or you're coming together to talk about finances, budgeting, whatever important thing.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: When you stare at your phone, you are breaking that connection. There are so many people who look at their phones and this is not even a lie. So many people who look at their phones more than they look at the faces of their spouses.
Raffi: Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: That's a problem.
Raffi: No.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: That's the real problem. So your phone is like third wheel in your relationship. There should be only two people in your relationship. Your phone isn't one of them. So please be careful about that.
Raffi: no
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: When you do not look at somebody's face, you know what you're missing? You're missing the nonverbal cues. You're missing the inflection in your spouse's voice. You're missing the worried look on their face. You're missing little subtle cues that can actually help you hear what is not being said.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: That is so important in a relationship.
Raffi: Yeah, but also, you know like you were saying before, it's not just that you are going to miss information because even if you caught all the information, the message that you are sending to the other people around you and to your spouse is that I'm not fully there.
Raffi: Even if you're fully there, the message you're sending is that you're not.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Yes.
Raffi: And so you can't beat that. You cannot communicate to your spouse that you're fully there if your face is down in the phone. And so again, the the one thing that we're saying for today at dinnertime, put it away, but being mindful of the way this is affecting you.
Raffi: And I'm including myself in this because we're all affected by the phones.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: yes
Raffi: I've got my phone you know on my hip right now. We all have them attached to us these days. But if you can try to be mindful, of the way this is impacting you. And maybe it's not possible to turn off the phone all night and you never have it around, right? Hopefully at dinner time it's possible, but maybe start thinking about, could I turn it from, you know, having the volume on to turn it to vibrate? Because even that is something that makes a difference, right? If instead of of beeps and dings, there's a little buzz that other people don't hear, it puts less out into the home environment.
Raffi: Maybe you can take it from vibrate to silent so it doesn't disturb you and you check it however often you need to check it, but it's not it's not disturbing you from paying attention to the people around you. So just being mindful of the way that you're interacting with your phone can start to make a shift, right? But for sure, you know, in in those times when you're communicating and trying to pay attention to each other, face up.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: Bottom line is we pay attention to the things that are the most important to us. And if you're saying to your spouse and to your family that you are the most important people in my life, then we will try to be more intentional and pay attention to them during those important times. I guess I got to say personally, one of the best memories in my life was when we would sit as a family growing up.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: and having dinner together. And all of my cousins, especially the ones who didn't have those family dinners till this day, say to me, oh my gosh, it was so lovely that we would sit.
Raffi: 100%. Yeah. Yeah.
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: And at the time I thought my parents were weird. Like there was no TV, there was no nothing. We'd just sit and have old fashioned conversations.
Raffi: Yeah. you know yeah
Ibinye OsiboduOnyali: That's why we're so close today. And we do the same thing in our family today.
Raffi: yep your spouse doesn't want you just to know what happened yesterday or what you need to pick up from the grocery store. They want your attention and your attention means your eyeballs.
Raffi: Your spouse wants your eyeballs. It's very romantic. Your spouse wants your eyeballs. Okay. When you're talking to your spouse, face up, phone off during dinner. This makes a better marriage.
Raffi: So we will see you next week with more tips for a better marriage on the Better Marriage Podcast.
