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Episode 8: Keeping it Fun
9 Plays10 days ago
This week's actionable tip focuses on boosting the positive in your relationship. Marriage is not about conflict resolution (although that's important); protecting the fun times between you is just as important to the long-term health of your relationship.
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Transcript
Revitalize Marriage Beyond Routine
00:00:34
Raffi Bilek
Hi, welcome back to the Better Marriage Podcast. Today, we are going to hit you with another useful, actionable tip, which sounds like this. It's called fun time or time together or whatever you want to call it. But in so many marriages, things just kind of get routine and practical and people start feeling like roommates or business partners because we're running around. Someone's got to pick up the kids. Someone has to drop off the kids. There's the dry cleaning. There's the shopping. There's the taxes. There's the full floor that needs to be wiped. And there's this and that. Lots of things that need to happen.
00:01:05
Raffi Bilek
And we get lost in the mix.
Engage in Fun Activities Together
00:01:09
Ibinye
We sometimes forget that we're supposed to be dating your spouse. You're supposed to be in love. You're supposed to be pursuing each other. You're supposed to be getting to know each other. And that life is, you know, there's fun things to do in life, right?
00:01:23
Ibinye
Because quickly marriage can become like a business and that's when things just get ho-hum and it just feels like you're roommates.
00:01:26
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:01:30
Ibinye
So we do that intentional.
00:01:31
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, or... Yeah, or even if you feel like you're still engaged with each other, but sometimes the fights just keep coming over and over, there's a lot of frustration. Obviously, if we're having huge major fights, first thing is take care of that, talk to a counselor, a coach, whatever it might be.
00:01:45
Raffi Bilek
But, you know, a lot of people just get by with the simmering irritation and bickering and and things go on, and they still love each other and still care and still would like to have a relationship. So it's really important to make sure that on a regular basis, you guys are going out and spending time together in a way that is not practical and not conflictual.
Affordable Fun for Connection
00:02:05
Ibinye
Yeah, absolutely. Just think of what's fun. things that Think of what's enjoyable, right? Think of ways to keep things for lack of a better term, spicy.
00:02:16
Ibinye
and when I say spicy, I don't mean you have to like jump out of planes and fly.
00:02:20
Raffi Bilek
But you could, if you like to do that, you just you could.
00:02:22
Ibinye
You could have liked to do that.
00:02:23
Raffi Bilek
yeah You don't have to, though.
00:02:23
Ibinye
You could have liked to do that. um And it doesn't necessarily mean that you're breaking the bank every single day, right? But in between those moments where you are going on vacation, there's fun things that you can actually do, but it has to be intentional, right?
00:02:38
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:02:39
Ibinye
life Life can be more than just washing dishes and picking up kids.
00:02:43
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, I would say that intentional is the key word more than fun, right? It could be a walk around the block. It could be a picnic. It could be something very, very bland. But the point is that we're going to go out together and we're going to observe a couple of important rules. So first of all, the phones are going to go off.
00:03:00
Ibinye
yes
00:03:00
Raffi Bilek
right You are not having time together if you are on the clock for work. And if you are, that's fine, you know but that may not be the time to to go out together. you have to find a day off or a weekend or whatever it is. So the phones are off.
00:03:11
Raffi Bilek
We're not checking emails. We're not on Facebook. We're not dealing with work. That's an important part of it.
00:03:15
Ibinye
Conversation is also important when you go out because sometimes it gets
Create Distraction-Free Quality Time
00:03:19
Ibinye
awkward. You're sitting and across from each other and you're like, what am I supposed to be talking about? I don't even know what to say. And to help with that, just go online and Google conversation starters.
00:03:29
Ibinye
If you are at that point in your relationship where you're like, things have been ho-hum, things have been just transactional, you don't don't be afraid to get a little bit of help.
00:03:33
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:03:37
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, ask ChatGPT for some ideas or um or or come up with your own stuff that you've been wondering about. Like, hey, I know that you you know you were having that trouble at work. Let's ask about that, right? And just things that you've been wanting to talk about. Come up with your own.
00:03:50
Raffi Bilek
Go to ChatGPT. However, careful that you are, you if you're asking about work, careful careful that we're not veering towards stressful topics or we're planning about what's going to happen, right? This has got to be connecting time, conversational time.
00:04:04
Raffi Bilek
So we're not talking about what has to happen at home or at work. We are not talking about managing the kids. If you want to talk about like, oh, I love Timmy so much. He's been growing so big and so fat. Great. That's, you know connecting. We love that.
00:04:17
Raffi Bilek
But, you know, figuring out how to solve Timmy's homework problem. This is not the time for that. um And also, we are not talking about the relationship.
00:04:27
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:04:27
Raffi Bilek
This is an important part. You do not come together and go on a walk on a picnic and say, hey, you know, we don't do this enough. Or, um hey, you know, can we talk about that argument? Like, those are all important things to do. And there will be times to have conversations about relationship issues.
Regular Scheduled Connection
00:04:42
Raffi Bilek
The point of this is it's got to be fun, pleasant, intentional time together that we protect from the rest of life. There has to be fun and connection that's protected and and walled off from the stress and the troubles and the practicals and the relationship. Just we're spending time together.
00:04:58
Raffi Bilek
Otherwise, it will quickly veer off into things that, again, fighting, bickering, stress. That's not the point of this.
00:05:05
Ibinye
Yeah. Essentially what you're saying is you're trying to connect. You're trying to get to know your spouse better. And so keep the topics centered around each other, getting to know each other better.
00:05:16
Ibinye
Think about it as when you were dating. I'm sure you were asking lots of questions about hopes, about dreams, about likes, about dislikes. Again, be careful about the dislikes. If you're in a place in your relationship where things can quickly become arguments and I would be careful, but you're just essentially trying to enter into your spouse's world so that you connect better.
00:05:35
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:05:35
Ibinye
That's what it is.
00:05:36
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. And it doesn't always have to be heavy duty. You guys can talk about, you know, if you like talking about politics, great. You can share your thoughts about that as long as it doesn't become a big fight. You know, if you like talking philosophy or you want to talk about some recipes that you heard about, great. Things that you feel you would enjoy talking about together.
Modeling Healthy Relationships for Children
00:05:53
Raffi Bilek
That's the idea. If at all possible, you want to set a time to do this regularly. If you can find a half hour once a week to do this, that is great. You know, we know that like, you know Saturday nights, that's going to be our time. If you have kids, you you get a regular babysitter or if they're old enough, you don't need that. Maybe you put a screen in front of them. i am not a big advocate of screen time, but they will benefit a lot more. If they have half an hour screen time while you guys get half an hour of marriage time, that's a huge benefit to them.
00:06:21
Raffi Bilek
So finding some way to make it regular, if your life doesn't allow that, somebody's got a rotating schedule, your schedules don't match up well, okay, so you'll grab it where you can. But if we can aim towards something regular or close to regular, where we know that we're going to do this, and that also sends a really good message to each other, right, Ivy?
00:06:40
Ibinye
Absolutely. When you know that your your spouse has protected time for you, you definitely feel special. You definitely feel important.
00:06:47
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:06:48
Ibinye
And that time just begins to just feel really wonderful. And it's great for the kids to also see this regular flow in your life as well.
00:06:54
Raffi Bilek
Absolutely. Yeah, it's a statement of commitment to the marriage. You know, I think a lot of people say, a lot of my clients for sure say they they didn't grow up seeing a role model of what a good marriage looks like. This is great. Your kids see that you're going, hey, bye, where are you going? You know, we need to go and just we're go just going chill out together. Maybe it's watching a movie in the home, but the kids are, you know, walled off. For them to see that you put that effort into the marriage is ah a lot of value for them, a lot of value.
Avoiding Conflict During Couple Time
00:07:17
Ibinye
Yeah, and I don't want you to feel any pressure because I know it can sound like that there's so many rules in this conversation. Don't talk about this, don't talk about that, don't talk about this, don't talk about that. But essentially, don't talk about issues that could cause a fight.
00:07:29
Raffi Bilek
Yep.
00:07:29
Ibinye
that's That's just the rule.
00:07:31
Ibinye
Don't talk about anything that is a hot button topic that will explode and spill over and then now everybody's mood is ruined, right?
00:07:31
Raffi Bilek
That's bottom line.
00:07:39
Ibinye
You can even think about doing something shared like, you know reading a book together and talking about the book. There's so many things that you can do.
00:07:45
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, it could really be anything as long as you both will be in a pleasant connecting mood. you know, go learn how to knit together, read a book together, go for a walk, or go jump onto a plane, whatever it's going to be.
00:07:56
Raffi Bilek
Bottom line is your your actionable tip is find time to spend together. That is connecting time, fun time, and not arguing time.
00:07:56
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:08:03
Ibinye
And make it a regular time, even if it's not the same recurring time, but make it regular.
Key Takeaway: Fun and Connection
00:08:07
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. All right, folks, take that run with it, and we will see you next time on the Better Marriage Podcast.