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#89: Jennifer Davy: From overwhelmed to calm, mental health, and self-care
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In this episode, I sit down with Jennifer Davy, a life coach specialising in Neuroscience, to explore mental health, self-empowerment, and the transformative power of self-reflection.
Jennifer opens up about her personal experience with postnatal depression and her inspiring journey from teaching to becoming a life coach. We dive into the mental health struggles she faced while building her business, and the strategies she used to overcome them.
We also discuss how decisiveness and self-compassion can reshape your behaviors, and how neuroplasticity can help rewire your brain for a more positive mindset.
This episode is full of practical tips for rejecting societal conditioning, improving self-talk, and embracing self-care, especially for women.
Whether you’re navigating your own mental health challenges or seeking personal growth, Jennifer’s insights will leave you feeling empowered and ready to take action.
Key questions discussed in this episode:
- How did Jennifer overcome postnatal depression and transition into life coaching?
- What role does alcohol play in mental health, and how can we break free from its limitations?
- How can we use neuroplasticity to rewire our mindset and cultivate positive thinking?
- Why is self-talk so important, and how can it shape our behaviors and motivation?
- What practical steps can we take to challenge self-limiting beliefs and embrace personal growth?
- Why is prioritising self-care, especially for women, essential for mental and emotional well-being?
Links & Resources:
- Download Jennifer’s eBook here
- Connect with Jennifer Davy at wellbeingwarrior.ie
If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with friends who might benefit. For more health tips and updates, follow me on Instagram and TikTok @katehamiltonhealth.
Music by LiQWYD Free download: hypeddit.com/link/xxtopb [http://hypeddit.com/link/xxtopb] Promoted by FreeMusicPromo [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbycji-eySnM3WD8mbxPUSQ] / @freemusicpromo
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Transcript
Introduction to Jennifer Davie
00:00:09
Speaker
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Kate Hamilton health podcast. In today's episode, I chat with life coach and mental health advocate, Jennifer Davie. She is also known as the wellbeing warrior. She's based in Waterford it in Ireland. She focuses on empowering women, and helping them set boundaries, building resilience and overcoming self-doubt.
00:00:31
Speaker
So Jennifer, it actually turns out is a bit like my twin. Her backstory is very similar to mine.
Jennifer's Personal Journey
00:00:36
Speaker
She draws from her personal experience of battling postnatal depression, her 14 year career as a secondary skill teacher, and her training in neuroscience based life coaching. Through her work, she brings clarity to her client's lives and empowers them with life changing neuroscience techniques so that they can take their power back and take bold action to build the life they want. We have the most amazing conversation. We chat through everything from her own personal experience, her postnatal depression. We talk about the shame that she felt around this. We talk a lot about
00:01:08
Speaker
self-doubt. We talk a lot about alcohol as well and how much of that plays a part in our wellbeing and our mental health. We talk about perfectionism, self-awareness. We talk about self-limiting beliefs and the science-based practices around her life coaching, but this isn't just as in her words, some woo woo stuff.
Neuroscience and Mental Health
00:01:28
Speaker
We talk about neuroplasticity and how we can actually train our our brains to change and to grow. I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I have and Without further ado, here is the episode with Jennifer Davie. Hey, Jennifer, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me. It's lovely to see you. I'm looking forward to having a chat and hearing all about your story, yeah but do you want to just tell everyone a bit about who you are and what it is you do? Absolutely. So my name is Jennifer Davie and I am a life coach with Nora Science. I work with women one-to-one. So the Nora Science part is very important to me because
00:02:07
Speaker
That's the element of the coaching where we really get to the heart of things. So we get to the reasons why we do the things that we do and say the things to ourselves that we say to ourselves.
00:02:18
Speaker
And when I'm working with someone, I really help them to declutter their headspace and let go of all those kind of self-limiting beliefs that are standing in their way. And that can show up so much when we make any changes in our life. So I really help them to get clear on what their core values are, what those self-limiting beliefs are that are holding them back. And we rewrite that narrative. We do it with a lot of confidence building, good boy to self-doubt, and it's a very empowering experience.
00:02:47
Speaker
So that's what I do with people in a nutshell. I'm excited to dive into that in a little bit more detail. But before we do, what is your background? What's your story that has led you from teaching up to what you're doing now?
Emotional Breakthrough and Personal Growth
00:03:00
Speaker
Absolutely. Okay. So I suppose we need to go back a little bit. So 2014 is when things completely changed for me. So that's when I had my first little buy at Oliver.
00:03:09
Speaker
And the reason I say that it's when everything changed for me is because after about seven months of becoming a mommy I was in the nurse's office and Oliver was getting those little vaccines and these little chubby little legs and the nurse turned around to me and she was like, and how are you mum?
00:03:26
Speaker
And I just broke down in tears. I couldn't believe it. I just completely broke down. I was really struggling. Like, so when I think about it, I was just numb going around. So she obviously knew there was something going on here. So fast forward a week later, I'm sitting in the doctor's office and she's asking me all these different questions. She said to me, I think that you've got postnatal depression. And I was just in shock.
00:03:54
Speaker
And the shame I felt in that moment, Kate, I'm actually not joking you. How could I get postnatal depression? Like, what's wrong with me? Am I broken? My poor son, my poor husband. Like, the immediate sense of shame that washed over me in that moment was profound. And if I'm being totally honest with you, it took a small few years to let that shame go. It took a lot of inner work to really let that go.
00:04:18
Speaker
So from that moment really it started me on a whole new trajectory and I wouldn't be here having this conversation with you now if it wasn't for it. So I'm really grateful for it to be honest. I'm grateful for the fact that I got post-natal depression. I know that might sound like an oxymoron to people. How could you be grateful for that? But I really really am because I learned so much about myself.
00:04:40
Speaker
I let go as a result that i of the work I did on myself from that diagnosis. I let go so much self-doubt, so much overwhelmed that was causing anxiety and Oh my god, so much overthinking and I'm a totally different person because of it. Then we jump forward to like 2017 when I had my second little boy, Freddie. And I will just add as well that the post-natal depression after Oliver didn't really go away. It just became depression then because that's the difference.
00:05:11
Speaker
From a chemical point of view, which is what my depression is, it's very much a chemical rather than say situational. Depression is the same in our brains, whether it's after a baby or if there's no children involved at all. It's the same chemical imbalance in the brain. And we just call it postnatal because it's after having a baby.
00:05:30
Speaker
But I remember my doctor saying to me, it's the same thing. So I had Freddie in 2017. I was a lot worse after him in retrospect. I didn't realize it at the time. But my husband said to me, no, you definitely were. Now on the outside, you would never think it. Because I looked the part. You know, I was baby wearing. I was going off meeting my friends for coffee in the park. I really looked like I had everything together. But the reality was on the inside, I was completely completely dying. I was so numb. I was wracked with sept out. I never really felt secure and safe. It was horrific really. Absolutely horrific. And the reason why I'm talking about all this in such detail is because it's so important for us to see that we're having these conversations around mental health.
00:06:18
Speaker
but that we're also having these conversations around how somebody could look like they're doing really well as I did. But on the inside, it could be a completely different set of stories. During my maternity leave, my friends were like, you should go on Instagram. I was like, what's Instagram?
00:06:34
Speaker
like, hilarious when I look back on it and I just started sharing a little bit and I will always be a teacher. but It's just who I am, teaching and learning are one of my core values and I will always love to teach so if I have something that works I'll want to tell somebody about it.
00:06:49
Speaker
So I started to share in my stories what was working for me and this was around the time when self-care was becoming a really big hashtag. Everyone was talking about self-care and I was talking about it and I realised that I got a great buzz at helping other women. The conversations that I was having with women in the DMs around mental health and post-natal depression and postpartum and identity and lack of boundaries and self-talk and all of these things that I now coach women with. I started having those conversations in like 2018, 2019 and then a friend of mine says
00:07:24
Speaker
why don't you become a life coach? And I was like, what's a life coach? Because I don't think that was really been talked about much in Ireland in my 2019. Like a lot has changed in a couple of years. And in 2020, I'd started doing some research and I wanted to find a really credible coaching qualification.
Transition to Life Coaching
00:07:42
Speaker
I remember coming across life coaching with Nora Science. It was like a 10 month programme with this group called Positive Success Group.
00:07:50
Speaker
and I thought okay no more signs yeah this is really solid I like this now you know people will buy this not like buy buy but like yeah they'll accept that they'll be like open to that but you know it's not woo woo which I love a bit of woo woo I mean my business is going down that direction but at the time I was like yeah science this is good So I started to training in April 2020 just when the pandemic hit and she was gas. I mean, we're all at home, as we all remember. I was on Zoom, leaving to our English students I was teaching, then I was going down in the evening to do my training with the course. But I wouldn't change it for the world because the course was completely transformative.
00:08:29
Speaker
So I started coaching then at the end of that year when I qualified and the rest is history. I'm just coming up to four years in business. Actually what I will add, it's probably the most important part is I took a big leap in September 2021 and I said, okay, i'm I'm not teaching anymore because my heart is not in it. I always loved teaching. But when I walked in the school days after the extended maternity leave from Freddie, I remember thinking,
00:08:55
Speaker
I do not feel the same way about this job anymore. And I can't do something with half a heart. If I'm doing something, I'm doing it because I think it's important. And if I don't think it's a good use of my time, or if I don't feel like my heart is in it, I won't do it. I'll find something else that feels very, very purposeful. So I took a career break, left my very safe, pensionable job, really good salary. Everyone thought I was completely mad. Father's like, are you sure you want to do this?
00:09:22
Speaker
I'd set myself up in business. And it was scary as hell. And then a lot of stuff came up that I was like, well, this is not the time for this person development stuff to be coming up now, because I'm supposed to be the coach and I'm supposed to be the one that has ownership together. So I had to do that. I had to work on myself while building a business. But Jesus, I did. And I'm like four years in business now, this November. And it's fantastic. It's an amazing space to be in. I can't believe I get to do this. I just want to ask a little bit more about your mental
Recovery and Mental Health Maintenance
00:09:53
Speaker
health struggles. So what did recovery look like for you in relation to getting yourself to a better place? Well, straight away, there's words coming to mind for me rather than full sentences, right? Because I'm such a word nerd and I'm really intuitive. So the minute you asked me that question, I had words coming to me.
00:10:10
Speaker
And the first word was bendy. It was very bendy. So beyond medication, going to counseling, going through a really, really good spell. And I'd be saying to my husband, Wayne, I'm feeling really good now. I think I'm out of the woods and boom, within a week.
00:10:27
Speaker
I'd be after going down again that's how it felt at the time and I remember kind of thinking and that happened a few times so it was very bendy up and down and I remember thinking at the time like is this depression is it waiting around the corner for me to think like I'm okay to just come in and be like no you're not we're here so it's like what is going on I remember saying to my parents probably four years into this so like 2018 four years of medication and i'm still on a smaller medication and that's grand because that's why i was talking about the chemical thing earlier on because for me it's very much my brain doesn't produce enough serotonin
00:11:07
Speaker
And when it does, it shoots it out in the morning time, so there's loads of it. And then by the afternoon, my mood dips because my serotonin dips. Now, I know all this because I asked all the questions to the psychiatrist because I was like, what is going on here? I needed to understand what was going on yeah to be able to let the shame go. Because without knowing that about the serotonin and the way it's released and that it's Basically the tablet tells me to make it sustainable so it controls how it's released to my brain and without me knowing that case I was kind of making it mean something about me as a person so I'm doing something wrong. I can relate to this so much and I think a lot of people listening to this you just saying this out loud and talking about this feeling of shame there's going to be a lot of people that will connect with this
00:11:52
Speaker
i I remember that feeling when I was like, why can't I get my shit together? Why is this constantly happening to me? I remember thinking but very much with a closed mindset. I remember saying to my therapist at the time, if this had happened to me 200 years ago, I'd be dead.
00:12:07
Speaker
I was literally like, you know, survival is finished. I'm so lucky that there's medication, but I would be like either in an asylum or, you know, I'd be dead because I felt I was weak. I was like a weak human. That's how I felt. And I felt quite shameful for it as well. that I've been talking about 2007, this was for me. This was, you know, even earlier. So in 2007, 2008, mental health was not as openly spoken about as it is now. And that's very to think that's not that long ago. I really, really held onto that shame for a long time. and It wasn't until she actually opened my mind to other perspectives and was like,
00:12:44
Speaker
Or Kate, 200 years ago, you wouldn't have been dealing with the life stresses that you're dealing with today that has led to this chemical imbalance. Because like that, that was a very much a chemical imbalance in me at the time. And I think that it's such an empowering thing to know, to understand if there's anyone who's really struggling.
00:13:02
Speaker
Ask the questions, talk to the doctors, talk to your psychologist or your psychiatrist and ask to understand it more. That's such an important point, what you're saying about asking the questions actually, because I think as women we're conditioned not to ask the questions, we're conditioned to be polite and to be passive and not to rock the boat. And I think it can be very, very intimidating when you're sitting in front of a psychiatrist, a GP, a holistic practitioner, whomever,
00:13:31
Speaker
And you feel like you need to just sit there and nod, but I always just, oh God, I live by this. Like knowledge is power. Like knowledge is power. And asking questions and asking a lot of questions does not mean that you're too much or you're a pain in the arse. It just means that you're fucking curious.
00:13:52
Speaker
And it doesn't mean that you're stupid. It's a good thing. Don't stay quiet because you're afraid of asking the stupid question. Ask the stupid question. There's no such thing as a stupid question. Kate, I swear, oh my God, we actually are like sisters from another mother, I swear to God, because I'm always saying that to people. I used to say that to my students. There's no such thing as a stupid question. If you're in a room in a workshop or a retreat, there'll be somebody else in that room wanting to ask that question. When you're sitting with your doctor wanting to say, but why am I back here again every few months?
00:14:20
Speaker
I remember saying this to my parents like I'm doing everything right you know I was running even though I fucking hate running I just don't like running you know but I was out running the roads I kind of cut you on alcohol I was eating the right foods I'd taken some kind of toxic people out of my life I was doing all the right things but I was still back every few months going why am I feeling this way again So it's very shame inducing. I remember asking questions of the psychiatrist going, he's probably had these questions before. And if he hasn't had somebody ask this question, rather than feeling silly for wanting to ask it, I was thinking, fuck it like, this is a good question. Maybe I'm ahead of the posse asking these questions.
00:15:01
Speaker
Maybe I'm not too much. Maybe I'm actually just ahead of the game here. And I'm you know more advanced when it comes to wanting to know more. Maybe that's something rather than being silly. Maybe I was like, maybe I'm actually powerful. How did you build your resilience and your mindset for these ups and downs? Because we're talking about a long period of time here. or We were talking 2014 up to 20 years. Yeah, 10 years. And I'm going to realise practice. I still have to mind myself. I'm a lot better than I was.
00:15:29
Speaker
But I still have to mind myself. And by that, I mean, like, you know, I'm on a small amount of surgery now. I look after my physical body with exercise. I actually stopped drinking alcohol a couple of months ago completely, which is life changing, life life changing. And that's a whole podcast in itself because I broke up with Prosecco and I love Prosecco. Loved it. Yeah, I loved wine, yeah red wine. i i loved it I never thought I'd be able to give up the booze, but I have, which is amazing. I need to celebrate that more. But anyway, the reason I'm talking about that is all of those choices are because I want to look after my mental health. That's it. like So it's an ongoing thing, which is the opportunity of a growth mindset, choosing every day to look at yourself.
00:16:12
Speaker
and yeah And learning and knowing that you don't need to know it all, but when you know better, try do better for you. And that's not about being perfect either. Like it's interesting that when I was really struggling from let's say 2007 through to 2010.
00:16:28
Speaker
I was binge drinking most weekends. I was in my early twenties, so it was totally normal in Ireland to binge drink every weekend. yeah But not once did anyone in my life and anyone in my life listening, I'm not blaming anyone, but not one person, my parents, my partner, my friends, my sister, nobody said, Kate, maybe the drinking is aggravating this.
00:16:50
Speaker
Not even my therapist. Nobody said this to me. I look back now and I'm like, I didn't know that. And I don't think the people around me really knew that either. Drinking was, it's getting a bit better, I think, was so ingrained in our culture that it was like, as long as you can get up and go to work Monday to Friday and you're not drinking in the morning time, you're probably okay. Once it's kind of afternoon onwards, this is okay. Isn't that kind of scary?
00:17:15
Speaker
It is scary and I mean like alcohol has a huge impact on our dopamine, on our cortisol and adrenaline as
Alcohol and Mental Clarity
00:17:24
Speaker
well. I mean I know near the end.
00:17:26
Speaker
I used on a Sunday like after having a couple of glasses of the Prosecco and I was getting to the stage where I could only have my three or four and I was hungover the next morning. like I was like, this is ridiculous. But like my heart used to be bu boom butmbum boom but yeah in my chest. I was like, this is scary. But like I would have what I call anxiety. You know what I mean? like So I'd have a hangover and a dose of anxiety for the next four or five days. Just no coincidence that I had that after alcohol. There's absolutely correlation between it. Like, because I was asking my husband there maybe last month, so I was like three months off alcohol. I said, do you notice the difference in me? He said, you're definitely not as anxious. Definitely not as anxious. Just me. So it just made good sense to me. But also I'm very much in perimenopause at the moment, which is great crack altogether. Loving it. Really good for the mental health as well. I love perimenopause. I love the night sweats and the migraines and it's great. Great fun. Right.
00:18:22
Speaker
And um that in itself as well, when we're in perimenopause, our body's ability to break down alcohol changes, as I'm sure you know all this. So even from that point of view, I was just like not able to kind of drink anymore. But the the bottom line with this piece is like, if you're doing something that's not helping, if you're doing something that's undoing all the hard work, then you need to look at it, you know? So I find taking medication, going to therapy and exercising, but then drinking at the weekends lights out.
00:18:52
Speaker
It just doesn't make sense. It's about trying and testing what works for you as well. You know, you might be like, there's no way I'm giving up alcohol. I love alcohol. Like, okay, but maybe just do a little challenge, see how you feel off it. If you feel like it makes no difference, then, you know, that's fine. I think, you know, as adults, we need to test the water when it comes to it. Like I didn't drink for about two years. I set myself a challenge of staying off alcohol for a year and I did it. And then I had no desire to go back drinking. So I just didn't.
00:19:20
Speaker
And then in the past year, I've had some occasions, you know, I've had a wedding here and there and I've had a couple of glasses of wine or a couple of beers when I was on holidays, no more than like two at a time, really. But I'm actually at the stage now in recent ones. I'm like, I'm actually just not going to at all anymore. But it's more for me, I want to change my relationship with alcohol. And I wanted to test the water to see if my relationship would all cause change, which it has. I'm not, you know, someone who has to drink all the beers in the fridge anymore and party, you know, or be the last one at the party. That's not me anymore. Thank God. I would still feel affected by two drinks now. And when I say affected, I mean not being able to get out of bed and die and hung over. But, and I couldn't put my finger on it for a few months. I'd just been feeling just a little bit.
00:20:05
Speaker
Disconnected with myself like i had like really connected so well with myself i just felt so enlightened so inspired so creative. I'm just literally so motivated i just kinda lost everything is felt a little bit cloudy and the only thing that i can think that's changed nothing that i've been working a hell of a lot harder so you know need to watch those thing.
00:20:25
Speaker
is just every now and again a little bit of alcohol in the system. So I'm going to test that now. Actually I had a thing there in May. We went on holidays to Venice in May. I hadn't made the decision beforehand, which in retrospect was a mistake, but I hadn't made the decision beforehand not to drink because at that stage I'd already been kind of moderating big time and going off it and stuff.
00:20:45
Speaker
And I had like a glass or two of wine most of the days. And I remember saying to Wayne when we came back, we were back about a week. And I said, you know what? That added nothing to the holiday for me. It didn't make the holiday better. I didn't even really want it. That's interesting that I just had the glasses at Prosecco anyway. Do you know what I mean? And that's when I decided, right? It's not adding that to my life. I don't want to be beholden to it. And that's when I just decided, and that's it. I'm off.
00:21:14
Speaker
I'm off it, I'm not gonna bother again. And I can never say never but I'm like 125 days near without any alcohol and I enjoy taking it off every night and they bang it off me and after every time you hit that little target. But it's all about reflecting I think when you look back on something. What worked?
00:21:31
Speaker
there. What didn't work? What would I do differently? What's another way? And being curious about when you get pulled back in, like, you know, two years, I was like, I don't think I'll ever drink again. And then suddenly I was like at a wedding, I said, no, you only give like the free wine. I was like, I'd like to be able to put a glass of red wine with the dinner. So I did. This is where comes to our social conditioning.
Core Values and Self-Doubt
00:21:49
Speaker
I think I just felt like I was missing out on something again or something, you know, or like having the little glass of Prosecco at the reception or like that going and having a beer.
00:21:58
Speaker
on the balcony of your apartment on holidays, things like that. I've done two holidays not drinking. They actually have zero beers in Spain, and I'm sure in most countries as well. But it's amazing. So I literally need to question, be like, interesting that I felt that pull. It wasn't even a pull. It was just like, oh, yeah, no, I'm going to just do this. But you know what's really interesting, right? And this is why I always start my work with women with the core values, because when we're not 100% crystal clear on what's most important,
00:22:26
Speaker
The brain is great to like ripple in some self-taught. So for example, with alcohol, like if I made the decision firmly before I go out out on a Saturday night, I'm not drinking tonight, then there's no space in my thought processes for, but whatever. why don't you have a little bit or everyone else's? There's no room for self-doubt because I've made the decision so the door is closed on that normal pathway. Whereas if you're a little bit unsure about something, whatever it might be, whether it be exercise, food, friendships, work, anything, if you're not 100% sure on something, the self-doubt will inevitably kick in. And the brain is like a big joint filing system, essentially. So all the memories, all the examples,
00:23:11
Speaker
of when you did that thing, would be have a little drink for Seco or join a hit class or go for a run or whatever. The brain is great to like give examples as to why we should do something. But interestingly, I had closed the door. I was two years with that door closed. Yeah. I'm really sure of myself, really sure of that decision. I've done a podcast on it, actually. I definitely talked to Beatrice Caffrey about this for anyone listening he who wants to go back and listen to that. And I was like,
00:23:36
Speaker
This is me. yeah I just think this is a perfect example of how it's not necessarily black and white. You can have everything planned out. You can be so sure about something. And you can get that sideways a little bit. But then it's okay to pick yourself up what I will always say when things don't go according to plan or the way you taught.
Perfectionism and Positive Self-Talk
00:23:52
Speaker
Like, what is this teaching me? Obviously, the door wasn't fully closed. I thought it it was, but I just yeah mean if anyone and is trying to do something and they think they have it all together and then something comes in left field or whatever and knocks them over a bit, that's all part of the process, you know. We learn for all those things that go differently, don't we? Like there's a lesson and everything, I think. And if you plan something and it completely goes the other direction.
00:24:15
Speaker
the way we talk to ourselves after that moment is so important. So rather than kind of beating ourselves up and going, oh, you did it and you dropped the ball and you taught you to do this thing and you couldn't, like none of that self-talk is helpful. You've got to be really practical and self-compassionate about it and be like, okay, that went differently, but like what part of that could I have done differently or how will I do it differently the next time round? like There's no failures, there's just learning. And I think my experience in life, the best lessons I have learned,
00:24:44
Speaker
have been at the times when I've been at my lowest when I did not want to learn anything. But that's when I really learned the good lessons. openness and willingness to take something new from every experience is so important. You're right, like not having that shame or that it's okay to have a little bit of self-doubt, I think, but it's how you're talking to yourself. This is usually important. I see this a lot with women trying to lose weight. It's the shame when things don't go according to plan or you have a weekend where things go astray or you're struggling to stick to what you're trying to do.
00:25:19
Speaker
Like this is normal. We all go through this. Everyone, there's nothing that's perfect. And it's this perfectionism, whether it is talking about diet and exercise, whether we're just talking about lifestyle in general, perfectionism is just so dangerous because of that.
00:25:36
Speaker
inner voice of oh you're not good enough or you failed again or that shame that we attach to it. Absolutely and I think that word perfectionism like oh that's perfect needs to just go in the bin because it's just toxic because it's just like you know the danger of like comparing ourselves you've got to just look at your own story don't compare yourself to somebody else Like be really honest with yourself and be really clear as well on why you want to lose weight or why you want to give up something. Mindset is everything when we're changing things. We've got to have a reward mindset. If we're operating from a place of threat, then it's not sustainable. Like if you want to lose weight, lose weight because you want to, not because society tells you you need to be smaller or because you want to fit into that dress, because what happens after you fit into that dress,
00:26:25
Speaker
and that incentive, that motivation to do the thing or to lose the weight is gone. You've got to have sustainable habits around things like I'm doing it because I want to feel better in my body or I want to feel more comfortable in my clothes or because it makes me feel much happier in myself. ah That's a reward mindset and that's when we're really successful with our actions and with our habits. That's very, very
Goal Setting and Sustainable Habits
00:26:49
Speaker
important.
00:26:49
Speaker
I know it's hugely important in relation to goal setting as well. It's interesting. I'm kind of like two minds about goal setting. Like I think it's really important to know where you want to go. So whatever it is that you want to achieve, I want to run a five kilometer race. I want to run a marathon. I want to lose a stone, whatever it is. I want to fit back into my jeans that fit last summer. I want to be able to walk my kids to school without getting out of breath. It doesn't matter what your goal is, but you need to know what you want.
00:27:19
Speaker
is the first step, the what I think. And then you need to know, like you had just said there, why you want it. Because that's actually what's got to get you out of bed in the morning to do what needs to be done. And when you fall down, not if, when, because you will fall down because we're messy humans, like it's messy, and that's what happens. When you fall down, that's why we'll get you back up? Not the what. I literally could not agree more. It's that feeling, isn't it? like I like goals as well. I like having a target, but like what motivates me, what drives me is the feeling I get from it, not the thing. So what I mean by that is like I have a goal at the moment is to get in three or four gym sessions a week right in the mornings early. I'm not doing that.
00:28:06
Speaker
because I want my arms to look bigger or I want my butt to be a little bit higher up. Do you know what I mean or anything? I'm doing it because I want that feeling it gives me. So I'm big into feelings very much. That's why when I was saying at the top of this conversation, you know, I chose neuroscience coaching because I like to get to the root of things. We're not sticking plasters on stuff, we're getting to the root of it. So that why, what drives me for what drives me is the feeling it gives me. I feel really strong when I'm lifting that weight or I feel really good about myself when I can walk my kids to school, for example. Everything's about feeling when you think about it, like people as well. You know, you can be really impressed by a person, by their money or by their, you know, whatever, their what their achievements or whatever.
00:28:54
Speaker
But if you meet them, you're never going to forget how that person made you feel. And I think that's a really, really important thing to remember as a human being. People don't care about the details of your life. you know People don't care about what you weigh. It's not going to say in your gravestone, Jennifer weighed 10 stone, made X amount of money a year. No one gives a fuck. When you think about all the people that you've come across, you think about how they made you feel, about what energy you got off them. And if I can be a little bit woo woo as well. It is all about energy. What we put out there, what we experience back,
00:29:24
Speaker
And we all know what it's like to be around someone that doesn't make you feel good. So whether it's with your goals, whether it's with who you surround yourself with, like feeling, feeling is everything. Absolutely. And I think there's a huge correlation between how we're feeling and then what we're saying to ourselves. Like I'm a huge advocate for self talk, bringing awareness to that. And like, this is a big thing for me personally is the word complaining. If somebody is constantly complaining,
00:29:53
Speaker
they're holding on to a victim story. Poor me, everything happens to me, and that creates a chemical kind of reaction in the body. The cortisol goes up, the adrenaline can go up. We certainly are not feeling that lovely dopamine, that happy hormone, because we're complaining. And then and this is the neuroscience of manifesting really, okay? So if I'm complaining about something, my brain is going to say, okay, let's validate that thought now, let's strengthen that thought with the examples.
00:30:20
Speaker
So we will literally start seeing all the things in our life that justify why we're complaining. And the same can be for the positive as well. So in the end of the day, like your thoughts are everything. So if you're thinking, oh, poor me, I can't do that thing, whatever that thing is, then you are not going to do anything because your brain is going to show you all the reasons why.
00:30:43
Speaker
you're right in thinking that but the wonderful thing about the brain is there's neuroplasticity which 50 years ago we didn't even know was a thing and essentially what neuroplasticity is is the rewiring of the brain so instead of complaining switch it and be positive about something and I'm not talking about toxic positivity now but I'm just talking about be real so rather than saying oh poor me I can't I can't lift like for me just thinking of you know examples oh poor me I can't lift 10 kg I used to be able to but I can't now. That's not helpful. Instead, lift 5kg and say, I'm really glad I'm doing this. I'm here now lifting this 5kg. It doesn't matter that I was able to lift 10kg last year. That doesn't matter. What matters is right now I'm here in the gym lifting the 5kg and that's a good thing.
00:31:31
Speaker
And our brain will start bringing up memories in of other times in our life when we were strong or brave or courageous. So I suppose what I'm really trying to get people to think about here is you have so much control within you. You are not victim to your thoughts. You can control. You can change your thoughts. And your thoughts are very, very important because they will always come before actions.
00:31:53
Speaker
So think about how you're talking to yourself. What are you thinking all the time? And if you're a big complainer, change it. You can't change it. You don't have to always be that way. Erica was down to growth mindset versus fixed mindset. It's not something that I didn't know I was in.
00:32:11
Speaker
I didn't know there was a growth mindset. Now I know again, we're going back to talking about 2007, so it probably wasn't something we were talking about then. But knowing that just because you think something doesn't mean it's true. Your brain will see more evidence of what you believe or what you're saying if you keep saying it over and over again, it's going to confirm it. We can change this. Like if people knew how powerful they are in sight, if they really just used their thoughts to their advantage to create the life they want. Like the world would be a very, very different place. Oh, absolutely. We just need to open our mind up to that. So like, I remember having a conversation with the lady who was 68 and she really wanted to make changes in her life when we were beginning to work together. And she was like, Oh, Jennifer, I don't know if I can change. Like I'm nearly seven decades on this earth now. And I was like, hang on a second.
00:33:04
Speaker
You're absolutely wrong there because you 100% can't change because your thoughts about life, your beliefs about yourself are not finite.
Perspective Change and Professional Help
00:33:16
Speaker
We're always evolving. We always, to the day that we die, have the ability, you know, within reason, of course, with that piece, but like have the ability to maneuver and to change our thoughts.
00:33:29
Speaker
There's two types of people. So there's people who are drivers and there's people who have this victim mentality. And I'm not talking about victims or people who are actually victims, but like people who will always be like, oh, poor me. They could have everything they wanted, but they'll still find a way to say, well, poor me, and not look at all the good things in their life and just look for that one negative thing, right?
00:33:50
Speaker
But like I mean, research shows us that we can change that. It's about pivoting that perspective a little bit. And that's why sometimes if you're very much stuck in that mindset of, oh, it's either good or bad, there's no growth, it's just fixed, something other works or it doesn't work. If you're in that mentality, then you need to work with somebody to give you that objectivity, to help you to pivot, to move your perspective and say, what's another way of looking at this?
00:34:17
Speaker
what could be possible here. And the more that we do that, and we go through that saying that we have to have an openness to this, you know what I mean? But like the more that we do this, and it might start by you know simply kind of stopping that thought, or that self-sabotaging behaviour, or that pattern, the more that we do it, the better we get at it. And before we realise it,
00:34:39
Speaker
we're doing it naturally without even realizing that we're doing it. And that's great. It's all about repetition. But before you said that, about working with someone, I was literally going to say, I agree with everything you're saying.
00:34:55
Speaker
But it is easier said than done. At the end of the day, if we've got 40 years of wiring that were, you know, of a negative mindset, first of all, anyone listening, I don't want you to feel shame around that because all of us have these automatic behaviours that we built, you know, as a protective mechanism from all the way from our childhood. We're very unaware and not really in control of how we naturally react to things.
00:35:19
Speaker
Even to the point, my natural reaction is still very much fear. And I'm working through this with a professional at the minute, actually, and it's deeply wired from me being a small child. But you don't need to fix everything about yourself. So I'm just aware of it now. So interesting, if I start to feel a little bit like anxious about something or catastrophize about something.
00:35:39
Speaker
I will now stop and I'll notice and I'll be like, you're doing it again Kate. It was a huge IO proof for me. it like Not everybody operates from the world is a dangerous place kind of mentality. And that was hugely life changing, but it did take working with someone on that. Now I know not everyone listening would be in a position to work with a professional. Have you any tips of how you can kind of start to rewire your mindset a little bit at home if you're not in a position to to work with someone?
00:36:06
Speaker
OK, so first off, I'd say to somebody is awareness is a huge superpower and you can work on that yourself immediately. So I actually have an e-book that I can send out to anybody who would like this right. Maybe we can put a link in the show notes or something like that. So what I would always say to someone is identify the triggers and all that really means is bring a little bit of awareness to how you feel in your body.
00:36:35
Speaker
So an example of that might be, say if I went into a room full of brand new people, I know from doing this work that my shoulders would probably be a little bit higher and my jaw starts to feel a little bit tight because I'm triggered. So I can feel physical sensations in my body.
00:36:54
Speaker
For somebody else, it might be sweaty palms. For somebody else, it might be they're feeling a bit scattered. What am I doing? Where am I at, you know? So just bring awareness to how you feel. So if you have kind of a challenging person you're working with or a challenging family member, every time you're in a room with them and you leave, just stop and ask, how am I feeling on my body right now?
00:37:17
Speaker
Can I notice a physical sensation in response to them? That's your first thing. So there is an awareness there of how your physical body might be changed by something, right? I know the way you do and it might be, what am I saying to myself now? What are the words or phrases that often show up for me when I'm feeling fear or when I'm feeling uncomfortable or vulnerable or low mood or anxious or whatever that thing is for somebody that they're dealing with.
00:37:45
Speaker
What words come up for me when I'm feeling that way? So physical body, physical sensations, language, words that we say to ourself. Like my thing might've been when I was really depressed. I'm just no crack. Like I'm no fun to be around. That was something that often showed up for me. So for other people it'd be different. So physical sensations, language that you use to describe yourself, that's the first two things I'd say. That's an awareness. And then asking yourself,
00:38:13
Speaker
OK, what am I done tolerating? I'm done tolerating that sensation. And there's a series of questions in the e-book that I can send to people about that, because like ah really, it's the kind of thing if you could just sit down with a pen and paper and just answer those questions really, really honestly. It doesn't have to make sense to anybody else but you. And just to remember that you are so flipping powerful that if you're done tolerating something,
00:38:42
Speaker
then that's enough. And that's all you need to know in that moment. You don't have to know what does my life look like without that thing. These are all the steps I'm gonna take to get to a place where I'm not doing that thing anymore. You can have all the answers. Jesus, if we all could have all the answers in that immediate moment, there'd be no wellness industry. There'd be no self-help books. There'd be no podcasts. There'd be no coaches, because it wouldn't be needed. You don't have to have all those steps mapped out in your mind.
00:39:10
Speaker
Just work on the awareness if you can in those few little tiny tips there in that moment I just gave. Even if that's hard, even having a thought that I'm done feeling like this, I want more. Don't know what that looks like.
00:39:26
Speaker
But right now, I know that I want something different. I want more. That's enough. you know That is an enough. And just sitting with that and letting the thoughts come to you. And when I say sitting, I don't mean literally sitting, but just being with that idea that I want something more. You'd be very, very surprised when you open up your mind to that concept, what will come to you. You might start getting ideas about the actions or new habits that you want to take. You might start to see situations and people a little bit differently and it's about opening your mind to that idea that there is more out there for you and that there's a lot of answers and a lot of wisdom inside of you but right now it just can't come to the surface because of fear or because of anxiety. Because you're not ready it'll come to you as you're ready.
00:40:16
Speaker
I think a lot of women struggle with the fear of
Overcoming Self-Limiting Beliefs
00:40:21
Speaker
selfishness. I know this is something that I would have struggled with, being like, oh, that's all well and good. Where where am I supposed to find the time to do that kind of reflection on myself? I i can't go to the gym. Sure, all the kids here, I've got this. that you know It's like we're we're afraid to ask for help. We're afraid to split the responsibilities a bit more within our household with whoever we live with. We're overdoing things. And a lot of it is that the self-made prison that we've made for ourselves with overdoing everything for everyone.
00:40:46
Speaker
being overly available to people, you know putting our husband, our children, our partners or whoever first before ourselves. A lot of women that come to me genuinely believe like it's selfish to put yourself first if you have a family. I think that's a really good example of a self-limiting belief. So a self-limiting belief for anyone who mightn't realise is a belief that we have been taught as a little person and we are carrying it with us and it's in the back of our mind often influencing a lot of our decisions.
00:41:19
Speaker
And as adults, the likelihood is that we've never actually stopped to think, is that actually true? So say, for example, you're saying, I'm selfish for wanting some time for myself. So I would say to my clients, these are three really simple questions we can ask o ourselves when would those self-limiting beliefs come up.
00:41:40
Speaker
Is that positive and helpful? And I don't mean toxic positivity, but like is that a positive thing to say? And is that helpful? like Is that going to open up the door for another possibility or another solution? Is that actually based on fact?
00:41:56
Speaker
Do I actually think that is a fact, that it is selfish? Or am I thinking that because that's what an adult told me when I was a little person? Or that's what I deserved as a little person from the end? Where did it come from so exactly?
00:42:11
Speaker
And is that true of who I am now? Not who I was in my 20s and my 30s, but who I am now. Is that true of who I am now? So I would say that with a lot of my women whose kids are grown up and are gone off to college, and that's one that really comes up for them. So like 20 years ago when their kids were primary school age, it would have felt selfish for them because time was a very different scenario. But as women in their 50s,
00:42:40
Speaker
their kids are grown up. They don't need them the same way that they did when they were five or six. So they start to realize that, of course it's not selfish to want time for myself. Of course it's not. And it's only when they say it out loud in the sessions and we look at it, they realize, I cannot believe I had that self-limiting belief. That is not true for who I am now. And when we bring that to the surface and own it and say it out loud, God, the power of when we say these things out loud and we hear it in our own voice,
00:43:13
Speaker
It makes it so easy to discard it. And when we discard those self-limiting beliefs, like it's selfish to one time for myself, for example, it's like we have a new canvas. And that's when we rewrite that story. I think it's important to know, like anyone listening who isn't at the stage that their kids are down to college, like I have two children in primary school, one in secondary school.
00:43:33
Speaker
I don't think it's selfish to have time to yourself. I actually think I've learned, I'm a much nicer mother now, that I take time for myself, that I am selfish. I put myself first sometimes. I fill up my own cup so there's enough to give to them. I'm not as narky with them anymore. I'm i'm more patient.
00:43:51
Speaker
the time I do spend with them is of better quality and I think anyone listening that it can change the whole dynamic in your household for the better by just and when I say taking time for yourself it might literally be half an hour at the end of the day or before they get up or whatever it doesn't have to be a huge amount of time and that that can look different It could be just doing bit a bit of self-reflection and journaling. It could be getting out for a walk. It could be meeting a friend. It could be going to the gym. Maybe you could manage them all. But most of us can't when we've got kids that age, and that's OK. But waking up every day and saying, what can I do for me today?
00:44:25
Speaker
Oh absolutely like a hundred percent. I mean I do that myself even by getting up early and going to the gym some mornings or getting up early to have a coffee in peace. Like I love to start and I'm a big advocate for this to start your day with something for you whether it be five minutes or 15 minutes it doesn't matter what that is and it also doesn't matter you know if it's something that nobody else is doing like whatever works for you. So like for a client in mind that she loves to get up and get dressed and put on makeup and it sets her up. Whereas we had a laugh about this recently in the session. I was like, I'm actually allergic to put makeup on it the first thing in the morning. You know, I love a cup of coffee and peace and just look at my lovely girl. Me too. I'm actually looking forward it to it. As we're recording this, it's what, it's probably seven o'clock in the morning now. yeah My kids are still at bed. Once we finish chatting, I'm going to my Nespresso machine. I'm going to make my coffee open the curtains and have 10 minutes.
00:45:22
Speaker
Yeah and I mean the thing is like it's about what am I saying yes to. So am I saying yes to an extra half an hour in bed and that means in an environment I could be saying no to having a bit of time to myself you know questioning these things all the time what am I saying yes to and if I say yes to this what does that mean I'm saying no to. So if I yeah if I say yes to somebody asked me to do something for them even though I know I'm time poor That means I'm saying no to having a bit of headspace to myself before I pick the kids up from school. So just kind of asking yourself all the time, giving yourself a choice.
00:45:55
Speaker
Yeah, and it doesn't have to be set in stone. Ask yourself that day. And I struggle with this sometimes. I feel like I always have something to fucking do. But anyway, if someone texts me and is like, oh, do you want to meet for coffee? Like my initial instinct could be, oh, no, I have so much to do. And then i I have to stop and be like, what do I want to do? Do I really want to push forward with this work? Or do I actually probably need a break and want to go meet my friend? And the answer could be different depending on the day. And that's OK.
Self-Compassion and Motherhood
00:46:20
Speaker
Absolutely. Oh, my God. like give yourself that freedom. That's why I was talking to start about reward mindset and growth mindset. Like what works for you one week might work for you another week. I know from from week to week I'm totally different so to start in my cycle I'm like hello world let's go and do stuff and let's meet people but and then near the end of my cycle I'm like oh my god I don't want to see anybody I want to just rest go under a blanket reading a lovely book you know what I mean like be self-compassionate
00:46:50
Speaker
ask yourself, what do I need? What do I want? And pay attention to the, you know, yourself talk. What am I saying to myself here? You don't need to please everybody. No. You know, say no. And the people that love you, really love you, won't mind. Like they won't mind you saying no.
00:47:08
Speaker
And I think that's a really good indicator. And you won't want to say no all the time to those people. And that's the thing, it happens naturally when we stop saying yes to everything, give ourselves a bit more focus. You will still say yes to the things you want to, but it'll become much clearer what they are. And it'll feel really, really nice as well, because it will feel aligned with what's important to you. Like, oh, I'm looking forward to meeting that friend for coffee. So when you said yes to them,
00:47:30
Speaker
You're like, oh, this feels nice, I'm looking forward to that. So just give yourself a choice, give yourself time to think, what do I want? And just be sound to yourself. like Be self-compassionate. Don't beat yourself up. You know what I mean? yeah If you don't do that thing that you said you do, say, I'll do it the next day. And I actually do do it though in the end, but like give yourself a bit of space.
00:47:52
Speaker
You know, I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job. I'm sure you're doing a great job and you're doing your best. I always say this to my client for all the time. There's not a single client in my coaching service that's lazy. And a lot of them will have kind of this thing. Oh, I was just too lazy to, I'm like, you're not lazy. You're overworked and you're doing too much. And you're trying to be perfect. I haven't come across a single lazy person that I've worked with.
00:48:14
Speaker
Most of the women I work with are over the age 40 fucking busy or overworked too much responsibilities and we need more time for us. And that's what it's all about. Anyway, look, this is going to lead me into my last question for you before we finish up. What does the word help mean to you?
Calmness vs. Happiness in Health
00:48:32
Speaker
Calm.
00:48:34
Speaker
I love that you've answered that in one word. That's all it takes. And I think a lot of us search for that happiness and really I think calm, it's much more grounding, emotional as well. yeah It's interesting that you said happiness actually, because I remember when I was writing the copy for my website four years ago, I chose to write the word content instead of happy. Because for me, and this is very much coming from my mental health journey, right? The word happy is kind of a pressure word because it's like, well, if I'm not happy, then I must be sad. And it always felt like a higher pedestal is not quite the right word, but a higher pedestal to get to, to be happy. Whereas the word contentment was a nicer word. And I still feel it's a nicer word for me.
00:49:27
Speaker
because contentment is very much a feeling. Like you can see my I'm touching my heart now because contentment lies there. That's where it lives. It's that nice feeling. Like when you've had the dinner, the kids are down now and they're, you know, they're watching telly or they're playing Fortnite and the kitchen is clean. And you sit down and you go, oh, this is lovely. That's what contentment is for me.
00:49:49
Speaker
You know what I mean? Contentment for me is, you know, the way like, I think happiness is unsustainable and life has ups and downs. We can't control that. And I think if you're just striving for happy, you're trying to control external events. You can't, all you can do is focus on you and your reactions to things and how you navigate through life. Obviously there's certain amount of creating things for yourself, but there are certain things in life, you know, that it will have ups and downs. So if you're.
00:50:16
Speaker
depending on happiness, you're going to be happy. Then you're going to come back down. You've got to be happy. And like, so that's literally what you're saying about the constantly striving or be feeling underneath it. Whereas if you're calm, you just stay calm no matter what the external circumstances are. 100%. And I think that's a really nice one for anyone who like me, I used to be a chronic overthinker.
00:50:37
Speaker
So I would often need external validation. Like I remember saying to my husband years ago, say something nice to me. And he'd be like, oh, she is. Do you know? Because I needed him. I needed him to say, oh, you're lovely or whatever, you know. And I think for anyone listening who really struggles with overthinking and often needs that validation to feel safe, which is, I totally understand. It makes sense, doesn't it? If we can't make o ourselves feel calm or content, we're obviously going to look for other ways to to create that. I did it for years.
00:51:12
Speaker
So I think for anyone who's an overthinker, why don't you think about your word? So my word is calm. Maybe you have a different word for it, you know, and focus on that and ask yourself, what can I do to help me to feel calm or content that I can do anywhere that doesn't even have to cost me any money, that doesn't have to be scheduled in. What can I do right now? Like what resources are available to me?
00:51:42
Speaker
to create that sense of calm. It could be that you have a garden. Why don't you sit and have a cup and look at your lovely trees growing or blowing. Or go out and walk in your garden. Or maybe you live near a beach. Go down and actually just enjoy the sound of the sea. Like something that's right there that you can do and it doesn't cost anything and it doesn't have to be scheduled and it doesn't have to be okayed by anybody else. Because there's so much available to you if you stop and think about it. Small little things.
00:52:10
Speaker
that can create that sense of for me cam or whatever your word is, you know. Yeah. Amazing. Jennifer, thank you so much for this conversation. I've loved us. Then it turns out we're twins. was and For anyone who would like to connect with you and, you know, find out a bit more about us, what you do, where's the best place? I suppose the best place is my Instagram and my website. So it's wellbeingwarrior.ie.
00:52:35
Speaker
There is a link in my bio for an inquiry form for anyone who's liked this conversation. And I encourage anyone who's exploring life coaching or making changes.
00:52:47
Speaker
Just to give yourself five minutes just to sit down and respond to the questions inside that forum. It gives you an opportunity to kind of pause and have a little bit of a think about what do I want more of and what would I like support with and you know what are the things that I'm doing that I don't want to do. And just fill out the inquiry form and see what comes up for you, even if we never work together.
00:53:11
Speaker
It's an opportunity for you to just kind of stop and have a little think. Jennifer, thank you so much. This is amazing. And you am I look forward to chatting to you again soon. Absolutely. Thanks so much for the conversation. Have a gorgeous day.
00:53:27
Speaker
I just want to say thank you so much for listening to the podcast. It really means so much to me that there are people out there actually listening to what I have to say and to the conversations that I'm having with others. So thank you so much. If you are enjoying the podcast, could you please make sure that you are subscribed? And if not, if you could hit that subscribe button, it really does make that much of a difference. Also, if you would like to leave a review on any of the episodes that you listen to, that you particularly enjoy. I would love to hear what you have to say. but Also, if there's an episode that you've enjoyed, please do share it on your social media, in your WhatsApp groups, with your friends. If you're sharing it on your stories, please tag myself in it and whoever I'm interviewing. This it would be greatly appreciated.
00:54:08
Speaker
Also, if you're interested in working with me and my wonderful team, please do you contact me about applying for coaching. So you can contact me at Kate Hamilton Health at gmail dot.com or on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, all Kate Hamilton Health. And you will be able to apply for coaching. We can organize to have a chat and see if it's a good fit for you and get you moving towards your goals.