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Episode 6: Gratitude - low cost, high impact
15 Plays24 days ago
It may seem cliché, but a focus on gratitude will honestly make a huge impact in your marriage. And it's so doggone easy.
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Transcript
The Importance of Gratitude in Marriage
00:00:34
Raffi Bilek
Okay, welcome back to the Better Marriage Podcast. Today we are talking about gratitude. Gratitude. Ivy, you start. Why is gratitude so important for us to talk about here?
00:00:45
Ibinye
Right. So let's, let's look at it this way, right? So you are pouring heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears into your marriage. You're doing everything you're supposed to be doing. You're not perfect and that's fine. And no one ever says anything. Nobody ever thanks you. Nobody ever points out the things that you're doing. Great. Nobody ever notices anything that you're doing.
00:01:05
Ibinye
It deflates you, right?
00:01:07
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Yeah.
00:01:07
Ibinye
Right. it deflates It's like, I'm putting all this hard work in. I'm trying my best. I'm working through my trauma. I'm working through past dysfunctional whatever. I'm taking out the trash. I'm doing all the things and nobody's noticing, right?
Fostering Connection Through Gratitude
00:01:21
Ibinye
But when we have a heart of gratitude and when we're expressing gratitude, it's like, it just gives the energy and the desire to keep moving forward. So gratitude also really helps with, you know,
00:01:36
Ibinye
Connection, essentially. It really helps with connection. It's like, oh, you see me. You understand me. You get me. You appreciate me.
00:01:43
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:01:44
Ibinye
It just softens the heart. Makes things a lot easier.
00:01:47
Raffi Bilek
Right. So note that today's tip is not go make sure that your spouse is saying thank you to you. Right. That's the thing that we do. We sit here and we're listening like, you know what? Yeah, I do need more appreciation. I do need more gratitude. Let me go tell my spouse. No, no, no, no, no. no The point is this.
00:02:01
Raffi Bilek
You should be thinking about how you can thank your spouse, regardless of whether they're doing it to you. Right. I mean, hopefully they are and hopefully they will learn from your example. But showing them this episode so that they now know that they should say thank you isn't what we're aiming for.
00:02:16
Raffi Bilek
There are lots of things in your relationship that you can be grateful for, even if things are not great right now, even if things are a little distant or it's, you know, or just on a plateau and it's fine. But there's lots of things that your spouse is doing every day.
00:02:30
Raffi Bilek
Do they go to work and make money? Do they take care of the kids? Do they cut the sandwiches for the kids? Do they take out the trash? Did they say something nice to you yesterday? There's all kinds of things you can find.
Specificity in Expressing Gratitude
00:02:41
Raffi Bilek
And it's so normal to take things for granted. Right. This is just totally a thing that all humans do is you get used to it and you don't say thank you. And so really just looking what in your relationship can you say thank you for and not just thank you. i mean, what's your take? What's a good way to to get that across beyond just ah thanks.
00:03:01
Ibinye
I'm grateful for how hard you work. I've been noticing that even though you're tired every single day, you come back home and you
00:03:08
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:03:08
Ibinye
down the kitchen counter. And I really do appreciate you for doing that.
00:03:12
Raffi Bilek
Right, you like you see the specific points. It's not just, hey, thanks, or even like, hey, thanks for taking care of that. It's like, you know, like you said, like that. Like, I noticed. I noticed he did that. That really made a difference to me. I think that's another thing you can say.
00:03:23
Raffi Bilek
Talk about the impact on you. You know, for me personally, my wife my wife makes meals and dinner like every day, pretty much every day. And I make them almost never because my cooking skills sort of level out around toast.
00:03:36
Raffi Bilek
That's about what I can pull off.
Impact of Recognizing Efforts
00:03:38
Raffi Bilek
um And I'm so grateful because I know that if she doesn't, then yeah I'm eating toast. um And so Really just noticing that and saying, this really matters to me. It motivates me. I say thank you all the time for dinner. It's like every single day I'm saying thank you because I really feel it. I think about how it impacts me. And I let her know, not every day I give her a whole long scroll about it. But from time to time, I just let her know, hey, you know what, honey? It's like you just you made dinner again tonight.
00:04:06
Raffi Bilek
And it was actually like nutritious on top of things. And I just I really appreciate that because if not, I i would be really hungry and eating a lot of toast and tuna. And so really expressing the impact it has on you, that impacts the other person. And the more that you do that, the more they want to keep doing it.
Gratitude's Role in Positive Perception
00:04:23
Raffi Bilek
Right. I think a lot of men sometimes feel like well nothing I do pleases my wife. But if the wife would say, you know, thanks for changing the light bulbs. It really made my life easier. The man goes, heck, that's it. I i can do that.
00:04:35
Raffi Bilek
Right. If it makes her happy, I'll do that. If you want to get more of that thing, appreciating and being grateful for it will get you more of that thing.
00:04:45
Ibinye
Yeah. And even as the person who's expressing gratitude, gratitude changes the lens through which you look at your spouse, right?
00:04:53
Raffi Bilek
yes
00:04:54
Ibinye
So it's the idea of go looking for the positive, look for the positive, look for the, the great things that your spouse is doing. And even beyond what your spouse is doing, just look into who your spouse just is as a person.
00:05:10
Ibinye
And when we start to pursue the positive parts of the relationship, I have to say no relationship is perfect.
00:05:15
Raffi Bilek
yeah
00:05:17
Ibinye
Like your spouse is never going to be this perfect human being who's remembering all the things and never has a bad day. That's not going to happen. That's never the standard. And if that's your standard, that's very unrealistic.
00:05:29
Raffi Bilek
Right. Apart from me, there's nobody who's perfect. So you really have to be careful. And I'm taken. So...
00:05:36
Ibinye
Gratitude really does change the lens through which you see your spouse, right? And when you look at your spouse from a more positive and realistic lens, it even makes communication easier because able to realize, okay, he's human.
00:05:48
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:05:50
Ibinye
He makes mistakes from time to time. And instead of criticizing him, you can then start to just make what I say critiques are very different from criticisms. Criticisms were focusing on your personality.
00:06:02
Ibinye
You're a bad person. Critique is I don't like the behavior. So it.
00:06:05
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, this sounds like another great episode, actually. We'll do another one about criticism versus critiques.
00:06:08
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:06:10
Raffi Bilek
This is a good idea.
Gratitude and Marital Satisfaction
00:06:11
Raffi Bilek
um i want to underscore something that you were saying before, which is this. It's important to be grateful, not because you owe it to your spouse or because this is you the right moral kind thing to do. Those are all true. But the reason we're suggesting this tip is because it will make your life better. It will make your marriage better because your spouse will be happier. They'll want to do more of that thing that you're appreciating. They'll feel better, but you'll feel better.
00:06:35
Raffi Bilek
When you notice the things that your spouse is doing, when you start saying, oh, you know what? She really does. She does do that. Or, you know, he does. He gets up every morning and he goes to work. And even though we don't talk about that all that much, like,
00:06:46
Raffi Bilek
He's going to work every day. Maybe she's also going to work every day. Everyone's going to work every day. Thank you for going and making money for our family. Like, I see what's going on. I see the positive. I feel better about my life. So the reason we're saying this is not because you should be a good person in your marriage, which you should. But that's not the point here. The point is,
00:07:02
Raffi Bilek
You can get more out of your marriage by being grateful, by expressing that gratitude, by being specific. This is what I really appreciate. And by noticing the the way that it impacts you, I really appreciate this. It made my life easier. I was worried and now I'm less worried. And thank you for that. That will make a huge impact on you, on your spouse, on your marriage.
Small Acts of Appreciation in Daily Life
00:07:23
Ibinye
Yeah, something to even think about because sometimes we're just kind of going through life. You know, this person has their chore list. You have your chore list. And we start to get to a point where we don't even notice the things that our spouses are doing, especially if the communication there's a communication breakdown, right?
00:07:39
Ibinye
We don't notice that, you know, the light bulb or the batteries have been changed in the smoke detector.
00:07:45
Raffi Bilek
Someone changed the batteries.
00:07:46
Ibinye
Someone change it. And so it's not making that ah irritating sound, right? um And sometimes we just start to forget those things because we're we' we we're more focused on the bigger things. So let's start to change.
00:07:58
Ibinye
Focus on the little things as well when it comes to gratitude, not just...
00:08:02
Raffi Bilek
And one thing at a time, by the way, it doesn't mean you have to be scanning the surroundings every moment. We do have to figure out focus on the big things. And the kid has an appointment and you have to get the work. But like once a day, stop and think, oh, you know what? This worked out well.
00:08:14
Raffi Bilek
Thank you for that. It'll make a huge difference in your marriage.
00:08:17
Ibinye
I like that. Send a text, put a message in the launch box.
00:08:21
Raffi Bilek
Sticky note on the mirror. Sticky note on the mirror. There you
00:08:24
Ibinye
I love it. i love it. Just be kind. Just be kind, be loving, be appreciative, and selfish with your appreciation and your gratitude.
00:08:30
Raffi Bilek
go Be grateful. Be grateful. Yep.
00:08:34
Ibinye
Spread it out like candy. It's free. It's free.
00:08:37
Raffi Bilek
It's for you to make a big difference. All right, folks. Thanks for joining for this episode. We will see you next time.