Transcript
Speaker: The difference for us is that you guys changed your screens. Your size changed? you you Well, Derek, you're on the right side. Yeah, you were on the left, and now you're on the right. They say that the protagonist always enters from the left. have you guys ever heard that? I've never heard that.
Speaker: No. Oh, like Sonic and... I thought they enter from above.
Speaker: Yeah, they get beamed down. Yeah. yeah That's at least Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean, yeah. Mr. Bean starts every episode walking down a long flight of stairs. do you think that that was a typo? Because when the show starts, he comes from a beam.
Speaker: Mr. Bean. It could have been Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean. Is Mr. Bean the protagonist or is he the antagonist? that' I mean, he's antagonizing the people around him. He's a force of nature. The world or nature is sort of the protagonist.
Speaker: Yeah, Mr. Bean is a story told from nature's perspective. you what if What if nature engaged with a fruit seller in a humorous way, that kind of thing?
Speaker: Is he a fruit seller? but He's always, like, bothering some man. Is that right? Oh, right, right, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I was saying that nature is like watching. It's like a tree watching Mr. Bean do his thing. Are you saying nature is the viewer?
Speaker: yeah we're the nature's perspective watching watching mr Bean. Yeah, we're just his surroundings. Like, we're the diving board that he is going off of. Yeah. We're like a ah ah Zoom background.
Speaker: Mm-hmm. Sometimes I do the Truman Show, but he's Mr. Bean. Mute stooge. Is he completely mute? I never saw the cartoon of it, the Mr. Bean.
Speaker: Is he muting that? I never saw the cartoon of it. I love how the cartoon is like the key that unlocks Mr. Bean's lore. The cartoon is longer than the original series. Is it canon? Mr. Bean. Yeah, I think so.
Speaker: It's been stated. i think it is. i know that the the the show itself, Mr. Bean, was six episodes. And then there was like a cartoon that ran for like three seasons. The cartoon was before the live action? it was the other way around. The cartoon came out in the night I've got information here. It ran for four seasons, actually. oh really? Wow.
Speaker: So the cartoon is like the rebuild of Evangelion for Mr. Bean, like the artist just sort of revisiting the work and making crucial changes to the lore to reflect the cultural appetite for... It's ah it's a bit more optimistic, too.
Speaker: It has Rowan Atkison in it. Yeah. well I mean, I guess he he always makes those noises. you're like He's got to go... totallyly like I have only seen maybe six seconds of Mr. Bean in my life. I think Rone Atkinson is the most hideous looking life form on planet Earth. And I can't look at him for too long. or i You know what it is? a violent and It was probably the um yeah he was like like Mr. Bean's face just popped up in like every single Newgrounds animation back in the day.
Speaker: it's yeah He's a he's a got the face of a creepypasta. Yeah. a ruin You have bad associations. Yeah. yeah he's from Yeah. I must have seen him in a screamer video at some point. Mr. Bean is analog horror. You can watch a long comedy. Mr. Bean with Mr. Bean removed like the ah Garfield minus Garfield. yeah Yeah. And then you just be essentially watching a nature documentary.
Speaker: yeah
Speaker: um Patrick, welcome to Chamber of Reason. Hello. um Now that that's out of the way. on the What's that? You're yanking on the Zoom cable. Oh, am I? Well, now that that's out of the way, what? Let's get back to Mr. Magoo.
Speaker: Yeah, whatever the fuck. What's the difference? Mr. Magoo is slightly different. Yeah. He's blind. He has an actual disability to justify doing what he does. Everyone likes a Playtime by Jacques Tati, right? I mean, it's a a fine film. Everyone likes how fine it is.
Speaker: Well composed. Not me. I'm in it for the last. Yeah, that's right. I think it's funny as fuck. I think it's as funny as Freddy got fucked. um i was ah I was thinking about this. I mean, i even I posted about it talking to my friend Michelle, but I was imagining like a narrator or an audio description track for ah Jacques Tatis' Playtime, and it was really making me laugh. like I've never seen this. I don't know.
Speaker: don't know The whole point of the movie is that you're supposed to watch it on a big screen because it's every scene there's like no real story or dialogue it's just like there's this weird Mr. Bean figure walking around like they built a whole city for the movie like ah so a city size set with like these huge like vast office spaces it's abstract bean it's an abstract bean it's actually pre Mr. Bean in French so it's it's it's mime right Yeah, I guess he's like a mime. But I really enjoyed the film, obviously.
Speaker: But I didn't know that it was like the magnum opus for this stooge-like character. So I decided to watch like another Jacques Tati film with the same character. And it was the most boring piece of shit I've ever seen. Just like him walking around a hotel with like a blonde lady.
Speaker: i I could not believe... I mean, there's just so many Mr. Magoos in the ah European lexicon. That's why they love Jerry Lewis. get Miss me with all that.
Speaker: The French went fucking crazy for him. Wordplay is funnier than a guy who slips. You like language? um like slipping. I don't like language. You like slipping. You like that feeling of slipping on something and falling. Yeah.
Speaker: Especially like when it's animated. like It's not impressive that they did a Mr. Bean cartoon because like the physical comedy there is. Right. Bugs Bunny blew that shit out of the water decades before.
Speaker: And now we're supposed to laugh at just a ah simple man. Yeah, he's just a cartoon man. he probably never even got shot in the face and his his duck bill went the other side of his head. I've never seen the cartoon. I just know the cartoon lasted longer. You've never seen Bugs Bunny?
Speaker: No, no, I've seen that. Oh, yeah. I have it at my house. I have a DVD at my house. Bugs Bunny at your house. yeah I could believe that you're the one person who's conquered Bugs Bunny. So many people have like tried to kill him, but you actually... Yeah, my homie Patrick actually got him. But I did hear that like apparently when people saw Bugs Bunny in the theater for the first time, it was literally like seeing the the movie where the train comes at the camera. oh yeah. And people literally... like Oh, yeah. I had a manic episode when they saw a bunny say, what's up, dog? Because...
Speaker: Before mass literacy, I think people had that reaction to written words. They'd see a gun and be fuck! yeah yeah I don't think Matthew's joking. I think yeah mean he did read something like, if you used to read the word murder, you would experience the same revulsion at like seeing a murdered corpse. yeah Because it was so rare to put your quill pen to paper and write the word murder.
Speaker: Every time someone wrote the word murder, because I guess this is also a time before fiction... stories. right You're really doing something by writing that down. Yeah. it means Imagination defeated a lot of people. You could be the strongest guy in the world at the time if you like went up to the king and said, imagine you you worshipped me.
Speaker: Imagine you were afraid of me. Imagine I'm in your shoes. What are you going to now? oh fuck. I can't stop imagining it. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: Imagine a blinding light. That's how you just make someone blind. Imagine i just I just came in from space and imagine I'm so strong and handsome and imagine your wife loves me. Yeah. She she instantly becomes pregnant with your child.
Speaker: Imagine I'm doing this. Imagine I'm doing that. Now I'm over there. Now i'm on the ceiling. That's why Bugs Bunny is like sort of a demiurge because he's the he's like the he's the idea that you can imagine someone doing something, but it exist he's existing. But he's imagining it for you. you don't even yeah And now you don't even have to imagine it.
Speaker: They imagine it for you. That's that's the scary thing. that's exactly That's why people freak the fuck out. They were like, i can't believe I can't believe my imagination is real. The bunny was imagining my whole life has appeared before now yeah Wait, that was, yeah, they all they all had a manic episode because they said that was my idea for a bunny to save. I thought of that.
Speaker: I wrote this down six years ago. I have i have the papers to prove it. And he sort of, where how quickly did they create an animated funny character that everyone loved and said, okay, now he's going to dress up like a girl.
Speaker: like i might have I think it was the first one. Yeah, right? Instantly. He was like ah the Christopher Columbus of of just comedy. i mean, of course, he had to start with just like, okay, what if a boy was a girl? Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh your ass off.
Speaker: Now I'm going to do more conceptual things like outsmart a hunter. Yeah. That's more conceptual than being chick. Draw drop hole in the wall that I can walk through. Yeah, he came up with holes.
Speaker: Yeah, holes in the wall that you can walk through. Not doors. you can always walk through a hole in the wall. that's nothing Oh, no, I guess he did it a new way, right? Yeah, he did it a very of brand new way. you whole a hole that only works once.
Speaker: So he draws it and then he can walk through it, but then somebody else tries to walk through it they can't. Yeah, in a writer's room for a Bugs Bunny episode, just like, you guys know how holes are something you can enter infinite times? Well, my funny idea is that you can't do it again.
Speaker: There's probably somebody in the writer's room who's like, there's no way this is going to work. People aren't going to get it. It's too... It's crazy. People are going to the screen, that would never happen. You can simply enter the hole again.
Speaker: Oh, what the fuck? This is so unfair to Elmer Fudd.
Speaker: That's somebody in like the 1930s, like biggest complaint is like, they're just not fucking fair to him. Like if he if if they had an even match, it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be fucking like this. Yeah. it's If Bugs Bunny was as powerful as a real life bunny, let's see exactly how, let's see if he's able to outsmart. Those cartoons inspired so many people to go out and kill actual rabbits.
Speaker: Just to prove. Yeah. Yeah. It's the stigmatization of, of eloquent biped rabbits. Yeah. Luckily, they're always ah reproducing, so it doesn't matter what you do to them. Right?
Speaker: That is true. Fucking like a rabbit and then having a sort of litter. Why is it called a litter? Well, I think it's trash, basically. Yeah, it's just like you've thrown about. Yeah, never got that. Because they're like hoarding. The mothers are just like you walk into like the mother's little nook and you see that she's surrounded by things that remind her of herself. And you're like, I guess serious yeah you're hoarding these.
Speaker: yeah You're so nostalgic. You're so tied to your self image. Yeah. You're so nostalgic for babies. Spread them around. Let's hold this litter in your uterus. That's what I'm asking.
Speaker: ah Well, <unk> yeah, litter inside me. Patrick and I used to do this thing where we would call a call waste management companies and ask them if they would pick up feces in a bag.
Speaker: they would always say, no, we won't do that. But it's it's just like, well, how would you even know? Do you check? It's like, yes, we check every bag. You make them say that they check every bag for feces.
Speaker: And that's always how it ends. They always have to say. They always say, we do check the bags. But it's like, we check how do you know, like, How are you you're going to open the trash bag to see if there's shit in it? Yes, we will.
Speaker: They're just trying to discourage someone from doing that because they might get in trouble. The trash man knocks on your door and says, hey, you can't and you have to shit in the toilet like a grown-up. You can't shit in the bag.
Speaker: You can't be putting it in in one big bag. But it would be funny to like do that again and call a waste management company and do the same thing with cum and just see how how differently their attitude is. like No, I guess we check for cum and jizz. What if it's only a little bit?
Speaker: yeah but What if I hide it really well in like a ramekin or something? What if it's red? Ultraviolet light, right? Whenever you see the trash people have missed someone's place, it's usually because they found a load in there. It's not an accident because they're consummate professionals. Yeah, they have load-sniffing trash dogs to make sure they're not inadvertently picking up jism or shit. It's such a high-tech job.
Speaker: treasure yeah Trash guys are cool. They are cool. yeah They should have more animals, I think. yeah like Dolphins. right yes yeah Six-pack dolphins.
Speaker: Right now, their only animal talisman is a seagull, but they should have more. they should have And rat, I guess. Rats, yeah. They have... They they use rats. Raccoons. Are we just about like what animals are... i Also like trash. Yeah, what animals are seen around trash or trash man. Oh raccoons and raccoons in a dumpster, a possum, yes.
Speaker: A roach. Can roaches be trained? Because I know like fleas can, right? With like flea circuses. Fleas can they can. They're flea circuses.
Speaker: Oh, is a flea circus a real thing? Yeah, flea circus is a it's a gag. No, I looked it up. It's real. it seems It is real. What are you saying? Why are you so sure?
Speaker: What do you mean it's real? Well, they're they're not actually like... Pavlovian style train. That's what I'm meaning. they are They're like on a very on a wire and Yes, okay, what do you think of flea? They're not ready. They're just in a prison that looks like a circus.
Speaker: Yes flea circus. There are no fleas in a flea circus. Yeah, i can't talk if you're joking I'm not joking that's right I thought there were fleas, but it was just a cage Yeah. to know My understanding is that a flea circus is several different miniature like trapezes and other kind of circus things.
Speaker: And they're just they're mechanizations. They're machines that move. And because you can't see what's moving them, if I say this is a flea circus, you're like, oh, I assume the thing that's making these things move is a tiny bug that is too small.
Speaker: I'm sure there are con men who did it that way. But flea circuses were and have been a real thing. No.
Speaker: Protest all you want, buddy. fleet I'm looking up a flea circus. and which I can send you some sources on this later. and In fact, we can have it on the Patreon to prove I'm right.
Speaker: Okay. Have what on the Patreon? Sources? like take mind and leads is more so Images of images of fleas or videos of fleas moving This is a... Well, look, I... Deer's is saying fleas don't even exist.
Speaker: He's saying they're all little rubble bombs that just move on their own. And we imagine that there's some kind of power in them, but really it's... I guess, Matthew, maybe it's true that they had exactly what I'm describing, and then they also put fleas in that circumstance, but I don't think the fleas were doing the acrobatics that the that the showmen were claiming. They were.
Speaker: What do you mean they were? You don't know that for a fact. I do. I read about it. I was very fascinated, but I wanted to start my own flea circus when I was younger, and I i read about how to do it. It's so cool.
Speaker: What's top, dude? yeah what You have to feed the fleas your blood. You'd have to get them. And I don't know how to get them. Just leave some food out for a couple of days. Really? Hang out with a mangy dogs and and bleed around them.
Speaker: But how do you get them without accidentally like crushing little fuckers?
Speaker: a you have to yeah The only way to catch a flea is with a circus. Right. A circus with a lid on top and then you close them in that. Are there still lion whippers?
Speaker: I don't think they whip the lions anymore. well they do whip. I actually saw a circus in Oklahoma on October 7th. and Like, you know, like the actual October 7th last year, I was at a circus in Oklahoma and they had a lion and a tiger he was not whipping the animals but he was whipping near the animals because i guess they respond to the whip the fear oh or just the noise of that is their pablo their pavlobs bell i see are there parents who do that who like don't spank don't spank their kids asses but spank like right next to the kids asses like on a table all right this should give you the sense of what you've done
Speaker: let lay your head your Lay your ass down on the on the countertop. Okay, now I'm going to slap the countertop really hard. And the child like feels that vibration, but is not directly hit. It's good if you want your kid to like stand on a box or jump through a hoop. Yeah.
Speaker: Which you generally do, right? Would you not want your kid to do that? That's what we have playgrounds for. Right. Yeah. You want them to do tricks. And then we train them with the Pavlov's noise of nails on a chalkboard, except instead of nails, we use chalk.
Speaker: And that's supposed to make them want to leave, right? Leave school. Yeah. Grow up. That's how you get them to grow up. Yeah. You make them want to leave school so hard, they eventually turn 18.
Speaker: Eventually they they get a job. All right. I'll work now. I'm tired of that noise. I'm tired of school.
Speaker: Wage slave. Fucking idiots. Well. Any people who work a job or not much going on up there. Yeah. They should have stayed in school. That's another thing that people say.
Speaker: if you're If you're stupid and you have a minimum wage job, we say should have went to school more. yep Yeah. Why'd you join the workforce? You should have stayed in school longer. Stay in school your whole life. Yeah.
Speaker: It's educational. There's something to it, right? I mean, there are people that are in school till they're like 40. They're just doing grad school, which sounds even more fake than normal school because like just, yeah what is it? Seminars? Basically, you just sit at a ah big table and you talk, but you don't even have to do homework.
Speaker: Graduate school, buddy. I already graduated. That's how I got into this school. Yeah. I graduated the last school. Now I'm in this one. There's a graduate school for that. Didn't you graduate that? yeah because I graduated grad school and now a pyramid scheme.
Speaker: yeah it's Yeah, it is a pyramid scheme. It a pyramid scheme. What's the final level of it? You get like a CEO. Yeah, CEO. President. No, not even that cool. You only become a teacher.
Speaker: Yeah. Which is like yeah permanent school because a lot of teachers will say, well, actually, I learned more from my students. They learned from me because I'm such a fucking shitty teacher. Yeah. I have nothing going on.
Speaker: The teacher is the teacher's pet for all of these students.
Speaker: Teacher should bring her students apples. Yeah. There's big bucket of them. Eat. Eat. It's lunchtime. And the sound of an entire room of grad students chomping on that kind of bullshit.
Speaker: Yeah. that yeah Those red, red orbs. Red, red. They are so red unless they're green. i've brought I've brought you today a bunch of red, red apples. Not red delicious. Not not anything like that. What color is this apple? ah Someone raises their hand. Red? no. no Red, red.
Speaker: That's a red, red apple. If you really want to confuse a teacher, you would get her an apple that is not that red. Yeah. Right. Like a green apple. Probably wouldn't even recognize it as an apple. Just throw it away.
Speaker: are you giving this green rock? Yeah, i don't want that.
Speaker: Well, you can lead them to it like, does this remind you of anything?
Speaker: It looks like a red, red apple. It's mostly green. eyes yeah It could look like anything. It's like the moon even. This is an apple. There are many different kinds of colors. Red, and green, and different shapes.
Speaker: and This is making me miss school. Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys like when the worm popped out of the apple and it it was wearing glasses and it had a book? Yes. I love that shit. Yeah. What was he reading about anyway?
Speaker: Probably. nation Yeah. Imagination or maybe different types of apples. Maybe he's reading like a That's like when your girlfriend goes on Zillow. That's like the worm reading books about apples.
Speaker: How is it like that? Because you're already in one. Because the girls are so smart. Girlfriend's looking at Zilla. You're already in Zilla. yeah dirty ah You're already in an apartment. Why are you looking at more apartments? Why do girls wear glasses again?
Speaker: but I don't know. You can't see for shit? i did Girls who wear glasses are typically just like not not girls who can see that well. Right.
Speaker: Yeah. They're different from girls who can see well. That's so nuts. I know. Girls who can't see well have more in common with boys who can't see well than they have with girls who can see well.
Speaker: Can you say that again? That's blowing my mind. Girls who wear glasses or have more in common with boys who wear glasses than they do with girls who don't wear glasses. But that all depends on yeah okay the type of sight they have. All four eyes are the same gender, basically, is what I'm trying to say. There's a different kinds of sight?
Speaker: Yeah, there's nearsighted, there's farsighted. so There's different kinds of lack of sight, lack of vision. Oh, yeah, that's true. I guess it is. Blind people are genderless, right? like they can't They don't even know what to express because they don't know the difference between blue and pink.
Speaker: I've always seen them as girls. so Mr. Magoo is always sort of a big turn-on for me. Yeah. Because girls are. Right.
Speaker: Because they're in peril. They're always in distress. Yeah. Yeah. Although there is something phallic about always using that rod to find your way. They use a rod? a rod?
Speaker: blind person's rod. Yeah, but if they were guys, they wouldn't need the rod, right? Yeah, guys don't need the rod. As long as they're sighted.
Speaker: yeah ah blind guy with a rod must feel so castrated. If the penis is off. if his penis If the penis is off.
Speaker: Blind guys are always groping. They can never remember where their penis is. They're checking their pockets. Where did put my penis? It's like when a guy has a big truck and you say, oh he's compensating for something. And you say, only if he has a small penis. Yeah. Otherwise, otherwise he's not. Otherwise he's doubling down. He's got a big truck.
Speaker: He has a big truck and a big cock and we shouldn't make fun of guys like that. Anything can assume only true if it actually is true.
Speaker: that's That's how Assumption sort of makes an ass out of you and me. And if you see a big cock, you don't know if the cock goes in a car or truck. Yeah.
Speaker: It doesn't even represent much other than its bigness and the fact that it is a penis. Yeah. It's so confusing. Oh, that guy has a big cock. I guess maybe he has big dick energy. It's like, yeah no, he might not even have that. might not even drive.
Speaker: He might not even drive at all. He could be you know younger than 18, actually. yeah In which case, we're going to be having this conversation. conversation
Speaker: He could be a miner. Minors might have big cocks. It's just not... It doesn't represent much. It definitely might. and It means nothing.
Speaker: It's meaningless. It's meaningless. it's meaning Yeah, the doctor like examines you and just says cheer. A doctor's just telling a kid with like a huge cock... like Yeah, but it's meaningless.
Speaker: It won't mean much until you're 18. Yeah, this doesn't mean anything until you're of age. Don't let anyone tell you, even someone you love, that this means anything. When you're 16 and you have to go to the doctor to get your dick length checked. But he always says it's meaningless, he yeah whether it's big or small.
Speaker: ill I don't know why I'm doing this. i don't know why I'm doing this. It's just a habit. it I just do it for my older patients, so might as well. I guess this is a custom.
Speaker: yeah yeah My doctor did it to me. so One day we'll have use for this data. It'll be meaningful.
Speaker: That is so funny to develop, like developing ultrasound technology and then literally doing what we're describing to sex a child in utero. All right, let's measure. Your child will, your child does not have an enormous penis. It is it is about the size of a pinky toe right now. yeah But he's healthy. But it's dangerous because people could choose to abort in the case where their child is not well endowed.
Speaker: Right. Would you do that? and I would. You would? Under what inches? What's your hard limit? oh Probably three.
Speaker: Yeah, three or below. Three or below. Yeah, there's this idea that like, you know, you you three in the womb. Three in the womb, he's staying. That's huge. Green the could damage your partner. Yeah. sex But it would go it would go in the Guinness Book.
Speaker: Guinness for all the smallest in utero penis. yeah
Speaker: Yeah. it's like it big He's
Speaker: That's disgusting. i mean Imagine if it were six inches in utero and then it came out dick first. That would be terrible. well Yeah, because the doctor or midwife would have he anyone have to pull on it. yeah Which would make the penis aroused.
Speaker: And then your your mother has a penis for a moment coming out of there. We should have put smiles on everyone's faces. This is simply a joke. This is a sight bag. yeah um It's classic mom.
Speaker: Mom's physical comedy. She wouldn't be in the mood for such levity. yeah Mom's bean became a sort of mister for a moment. and her bean mom's bean dad told me mom's bean became a mystery isn't that funny um yeah the the ob-gyn looking down and saying all right your bean is actually not what's your bean is hard to see right now because of the mystery i can't fucking find your bean they have to find the clitoris
Speaker: during During childbirth? Yeah, just to orient themselves to make sure that it's not upside down. yeah right. yeah Yeah, we could have this woman upside down. We gotta find the clitoris quick. Make sure she's topside. If they can't find the clitoris, they terminate the pregnancy. Alright, we're through here.
Speaker: This baby will be born by other methods. We're out of our depth. Other methods than birth. Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, that is kind of... that's it Shakespeare thought that a cesarean section was not a birth. He was like... Shakespeare thought that? Yeah, Shakespeare thought that. According to that prophecy in Macbeth.
Speaker: What did think it was? Surgery? Something an alternative. This is some weird thing we do when yeah when birth doesn't work. Right. Yeah, it's not birth. Yeah, it's different.
Speaker: I was C-sectioned because I was breached. Anyone else? Were you guys born on that show? I was breached. I was breached, but I was on that show. You got your legs pulled? Yeah, it took 24 hours. No. was It was long.
Speaker: Damn. You can ask my mom. I will. Let's call her up right now. Derek, were you born fine? C-section. So I guess I wasn't born according Shakespeare. Whoa. Yeah, he says untimely ripped.
Speaker: Were you also breached? I was ripped. ah Wait, what is what is breach? Breach is when you're upside down. Oh, like, i know I was, I was coming out ass first. Yeah. my Maybe my mom just didn't want to push me. She just wanted to open the door.
Speaker: Lazy. Pulled out yeah too lazy. She was laying down the whole time. Apparently. yeah Yeah, when mom when mom just decides not to push, she is she's setting a precedent for life, which just like, just you do it.
Speaker: Because they're so supposed to squat, right? Are they? There's a few They have to have that stool thing, right? Yeah, squatty potty. There's a few options for how to create a kid, right?
Speaker: Yeah, all fours. How to create or how to get them out. How to get rid of them, yeah. If they squat and then the doctor like kind of slides under, like with the mechanic thing where they're on their back, you know what mean? Yeah.
Speaker: They just twist the baby out like it's a like you're getting some part out But they say sometimes you defecate accidentally so that wouldn't be good for the mechanic who's sliding under right just getting shit on got I say that No, it wouldn't be good. No, it wouldn't be good. I'm like unless he likes it which honestly like it wouldn't be bad think mechanics and mechanics might like it.
Speaker: It was just like it probably reminds of oil whatever This reminds me of something I love. Oil. ah but This is black as tar and bitter too. Just like oil.
Speaker: ah What's this? A baby? This barely reminds me of stuff that I like. This reminds me of someone I know, i guess. Yeah. this reminds me yeah My friend.
Speaker: This reminds of my friend, but worse. yeah Mechanics do have human friends, right? Yeah. Tons. We have active social lives. Should we read a single question or are we having too much fun? Question number one, buddy.
Speaker: here's a Here's a good question from... I don't remember where I got this.
Speaker: If you cry in jail slash prison, do you get beat up? And um someone actually answered this. So you might well you want might want to read the answer, too. Here, Patrick, you should read this.
Speaker: I was awakened by the CO one night and was given the news that my mother had passed. It was exactly one year to the day that I had caught my time. I went back to my pod and tried to control my emotions.
Speaker: The other inmates happened to overhear my cries from the shower slash bathroom stall. The next morning, one of my fellow inmates handed me a homemade condolence card signed by every single inmate in my pod.
Speaker: And one by one, several... even broke... I need to wear my glasses. Broke the rules. Broke the rules and came into my pod to offer me a kind word of comfort. So to answer your question, there are good people everywhere and it matters little that they live in a prison cell or in a homeless shelter.
Speaker: Those men have no idea what their little act of kindness... done for this Arden Convict. They have no idea. So why'd they do it? They have no idea why they... didn't know what they were doing. guess I'll empathize.
Speaker: I don't know if this will have any effect. Not that this means anything, but I hope you're doing okay. yeah I don't know what a condolence is, but I'm going to give you a few. like I know we're all dumb brutes, but here's a little something. good
Speaker: not that you I can't give condolences and you can't receive them. simply not It's not allowed. You have to break the rules to offer a kind of word of comfort. And when we talk about rules, we're just talking about the fear of retribu violent retribution. They broke the rule. The rule is beat me up if I'm crying. Yeah, right.
Speaker: I think you should beat up someone who's comforting a sovereign. The reason that the prisoners are like giving condolences and breaking the rules is because crying in prison is the first rule that was broken in this situation.
Speaker: ah They're just like, oh, if he's going to cry in prison, I guess I might as well do something I'm not supposed to do, too. And comfort him. yeah It's a rebellion. It's the seat of a prison break, really. We can cry. can also bend the bars. Wait a minute. These are just iron bars. These are just iron bars. Stopping us from pulling the window out. Stopping us from pulling the window out.
Speaker: ah We could cry now. i literally think this all the time. Whenever I think about prison, just like, wow, I guess I would hate to go to prison. Then I think, No, it's just iron bars. We're probably near iron now, and it's not a problem.
Speaker: Yeah, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Iron rusts. It eventually turns green. Let's just throw a bunch of water on the bars. Let's cry on the bars. yeah If we cry on the bars, it'll rust. and That's why the guards beat you up when you cry. It's because you're going to rust the iron. No, rust it. No.
Speaker: Can I read this question? yeah this is from too afraid to ask Can nicotine make someone addicted to your kisses? This is brilliant.
Speaker: There's more. Okay. Okay. So hear me out. If you take some snooze, it's like nicotine patches you put in your mouth. I don't know if they're called snooze in English, but you can just search it up.
Speaker: Okay. So you put some snooze in your mouth. So it's like full of nicotine. So when you're kissing someone, eventually they will be longing for your kisses because of the nicotine.
Speaker: Will that actually work? It's not like I'm going to do it, but I'm just curious. like What if it actually works? That would be crazy. I mean, like it sounds like would work. It seems logical enough. It's logical.
Speaker: It's logical. Eventually. yeah Yeah. I kind of think it would work. I really like the, ah like, um it's not like I'm going to do it.
Speaker: I can make a girl fall in love with me through normal. You'd be wrong. It would be so wrong if I did it. But if someone could, right? here Yeah. Deoretically speaking, if somebody did do that.
Speaker: but It would work, right? I mean, it it is logical. Yeah. This European genuinely thinks that they're like a rapist for thinking this way. Yeah. I mean, also, this is this is like, you know, whatever like nicotine experiment we've done with rats where they like suck nicotine out of like the feeder or whatever.
Speaker: It literally is like, that's the kiss. They're putting their mouth on the thing and just kissing it with suction to get it out. And the scientist the whole time was probably just like, hmm. This is the mouse part. This was this is wrong.
Speaker: Why am I this? I'm making a mouse addicted to kisses. ah We went too far. mouse wants kisses. wats gets mouse is in love with this substance. Painting lipstick on the nozzle and putting two eyes.
Speaker: Well, I've proven that the mouse can is addicted to nicotine, but now I'm going to prove that it's addicted to kisses. it's a good idea it's really good i mean can yeah your coffee too you drink a lot of coffee and red wine and just in your mouth and backwash it yeah get that backwash and then and then she's addicted to backwash yeah yeah good backwash with good stuff in it here not all backwash is the same sometimes it's just old food Well, now that you're saying this, I guess I would say my real answer to this question is no, she's simply addicted to nicotine. The kiss is just the nicotine delivery device.
Speaker: Isn't the cigarette simply the nicotine delivery device? Yeah, that's why i would also say you're not addicted to cigarettes. You're addicted to nicotine. You're addicted to the nicotine as the addictive component.
Speaker: And you have an oral fixation. Yeah, you're not addicted alcohol. You're addicted to the you are oh alcohol. That's right. You're not even addicted to the nicotine. You're addicted to the effects that it has in your own brain. You're addicted to the feeling that you get. You're addicted to feeling good, buddy. You're not.
Speaker: Yeah. Drop it. Which is why it's not a problem. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. I struggle with my Marlboro addiction and my and my dependency on Rolling Rock. People do say that, right? They're like, I'm addicted to wine.
Speaker: You're winos. I don't think people say addicted to wine. I think people do. I like wine. um wino would say I'm addicted to wine. I think so. think I don't think they do.
Speaker: right they don't say They would, but they don't. and you If you forced a wino to admit what they were addicted to, they would probably say something like, well, wine. Definitely wine. Did you guys strategize about kissing and stuff this way when you were like a few years ago? No. Never? i used to when i were i would ah i mean I used to think that a kiss had some kind of erection component and it was when the man turns upside down during the kiss. like He gets so aroused that he like... Turns upside down? Yeah, Spider-Man mode. That eventually happens during every kiss. You just got this from Spider-Man. Man rotates. I think so. It defies gravity.
Speaker: um and that's like ah It is like me trying to imagine what an erection is without knowing what its utility is. Some kind of snapping. Some kind of ah hardening happens. erection should just be a rotation.
Speaker: And I think both both parties during the kiss or the intercourse should ideally... What you should be trying to do is rotate at the same rate. I guess.
Speaker: I guess. I guess yes that's how it should be. I guess that would be an improvement on kissing, which is severely lacking. It's boring. It's just lazy. It is lazy just doesn't lazy. It doesn't accomplish anything. Give it a spin. Can we all go on record and agree kissing is boring?
Speaker: I mean, kissing, i guess, yeah, but like so are the opening credits of movies, you know? Right, but it gets you to kiss information. Right, the kissing is like the opening credits because it tells you what's going to happen, sort of, and who worked on it. Who did this, yeah. Who worked on the intercourse that's about to happen?
Speaker: A genius. you Oh, I really like this gay guy. ah Okay, here's a question from ah the incest isn't wrong community.
Speaker: Oh, wait, no. Incest isn't or is it? Incest, is it wrong? This isn't really a question. This is a statement from the incest isn't wrong subreddit.
Speaker: Okay. Here's the statement. Why we need to talk about incestuous love. It's time we had an honest conversation about incestuous love. It's not, sadly, the most socially acceptable topic.
Speaker: But think about it. Love is love, right? Why should societal norms dictate who can and can't love? Incestuous relationships are incredibly deep and meaningful with pure form of love.
Speaker: They often involve a level of trust and intimacy that's hard to find elsewhere. It's a bond that transcends bloodlines and societal expectations. And let's not forget about inbreeding is an aspect of human reproduction that should be explored. So let's break free from outdated taboos and embrace the beauty and purity of these unconventional relationships.
Speaker: It's time to challenge societal norms and celebrate the power of love, no matter where it comes from. i Exploring inbreeding? but and let's end it Let's not forget, it's something to explore.
Speaker: It's not sadly the most socially acceptable topic. It should be the most socially acceptable topic. yeah When people are uncomfortable with the topic at parties, they feel like, ah shoot, can we move back to incest? You're not talking about work, please. You're making me uncomfortable every time you don't talk about incest.
Speaker: Anyway, yeah, I started fucking someone that I barely know. It's just like, that's just not the kind of stuff I want hear. Can you talk about your brother? Just please. yeah enough i mean Stranger danger, right? Strangers are creeps, right? They're creepy. yeah Yeah, please don't. I love why should societal norms dictate who can and can't love?
Speaker: It's like someone advocating for that. Like, no, I really think we should we should use the societal norms on this one. Let's yeah to the norms let's use the irrational societal norms I'm a fan of.
Speaker: Yeah, it's not like anyone's this. it's just It just so happens that that's what societal norms do is dictate who can and can't who we can and can't love. I mean, they're right, right? I mean, they most of what they say is true, right? They're deep relationships, involve a level of trust and intimacy. It's like breaking a taboo. It's kind of a beautiful like Romeo and Juliet type thing. Yeah, and it's like it's almost like people are afraid of that depth, and it's like, yes, people are people are afraid of the depth that goes into love knowing yeah knowing someone that well.
Speaker: They don't like the idea of knowing everything about someone and i fucking them. That's why we have sex with strangers, to avoid true intimacy. To avoid incest. To avoid incest, yeah.
Speaker: You're just afraid of incest. That's the only reason you're even with me. everything you do Getting mad at your girlfriend. We have to talk about your fear. ah I sometimes feel that you're just using me to escape your fear of committing incest.
Speaker: Like you're so afraid of incest it makes me worry that something like happened to you when you were a kid. Right. Like not incest. Anything that happens to anyone. I mean I think this is what Freud figured out is like why do we do anything is just because well the only thing that would happen as a result of doing nothing is that you would have sex to the person that's right next to you.
Speaker: I mean, otherwise the species goes extinct. So you do have to kind go out and go somewhere. have to go somewhere. You're going to date. If you don't go somewhere, you will commit incest. Probably.
Speaker: Most of the time. Most of the time. Freud only came up with all that stuff because he just wanted to like fuck with people because ah people would be like, hey, Freud, what's going on? He's like, you you want to go fuck your mom.
Speaker: You do. You do. Yeah. ah And they'd be like, what about you, Freud? And he'd be like, not, no. Not me. You. I already figured something out. i i thought I thought of the idea. Now you do it. Yeah, Freud was going up to people and being like, I bet you don't want to fuck your mom, huh? And like, oh, of course I don't. And he's like, see? That's Freudian stuff. That means you do. He'd say, Freudian stuff. He'd say, you just said you did. And they'd be like, what? No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. I just heard you say it Oh, you must have Freudian slipped up.
Speaker: Yep. You slipped up. You slipped up, buddy. They're like, well, thank you for your treatment. did not know that about myself. and Now I'm gonna get a Mulan, I guess. Now going to continue to not- Yeah, Freud's like- go one Everyone wants to have sex with their mother, but here's the thing. They shouldn't.
Speaker: Just like, oh, thank you, Dr. Freud. Freud was just always mishearing shit. People would lay down on his couch and he'd be like, how how are you today? And they'd say good. And he'd say gay? Why'd you say that?
Speaker: I don't know. I didn't say that. Okay, now you're denying it. yeah Great. And you're avoiding the real gayness of your problem. You doth protest too much, little bit, right? Doth.
Speaker: You do. You do. I mean, that's how they spoke back then. They'd say doth and... Thou. Thou, yeah. Thou, thou, thou. thou Thou art gay. Thou art gay. Thou shall not have sex with one's mother, but thou shall think about having sex with one's mother. It's not actually easy to do.
Speaker: To have sex with your mom? Yeah. Yeah, I remember struggling. i don't think i just like flir I don't think I could just like flirt and just do it. Because she's not single much of the time. yeah yeah My mom is single.
Speaker: I don't want to talk about this. Yeah. I think this is the other problem that people have with ancestral relationships is that like, well, there's no game. There's no flirtation. It's just like they instantly like you.
Speaker: Yeah, that probably it goes against the hunter gatherer mindset. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Right. Why fuck that person? I want to hunt gather too. this is just i don't want to just have available plenty. This is what I already have.
Speaker: I need to gather. and i Gather love loveliness. I'm more of like a PUA douchebag. So I kind of more interested in dating someone not related to me. Right.
Speaker: you can neg them. Inbreeding is an aspect of human reproduction that should be explored. Did we already explore that? Or didn't that? We have explored it. People already tried inbreeding, right? They explored it for, I mean, generations of like, yeah, like royal families, like they explored inbreeding and look where it got them.
Speaker: Yeah. It's a wealth and power. yeah It made them the king. yeah I want to be king. Yeah, a peasant. like I want to be king so bad. I guess I should fuck my peasant sister over and over again. It's hardly an experiment or an exploration. It's like a proven method.
Speaker: it's yeah It's a foolproof tool. Yeah, if someone tries to become the king and they they look and they're like, wait, do you have like fully formed organs? like You don't have like a Habsburg chin. You can't become the king. Yeah. You're a peasant. Where's your extra finger?
Speaker: Come on. strong You're a strong laborer. you got to be in the fields. You don't have hemophilia. Yeah, we need you we need you on the ground. or and Get to work. Yeah, I guess it it is just sort of like this reverse. Like, obviously, we we worry about, like, ah making a world that's equitable for people with handicaps and disabilities. But back then, we knew the answer was to just put all of the weirdos in a castle. castle with moat. Yeah, and give them crown. Yeah, you're in charge.
Speaker: yeah yeah sure. You run this whole thing, hemophiliac cripple. ah hemophiliac ah cripple Yes. Yeah, this is your kingdom. Here's your crown. Here's your scepter.
Speaker: And yes, someone will bring you food every day. You'll barely have to rise from your chair. And we'll do work you. You're in charge. and where you we like We like picking the wheat field. We like it. We like that you told us to do it.
Speaker: um But meanwhile, there's they're simply they're simply taking care of these kings and queens which are that are too weak to do anything. yeah And they're sitting in their their little shack or hovel and they're just laughing themselves to sleep every every night on the rock they sleep on and that idiot in the castle thinks they're...
Speaker: We convinced them that he was the king. but of course we're the ones who hold all the power because we do all the work and we yeah we own the means of production. its The people. The evil-bodied.
Speaker: The evil-bodied people. Yeah, this is a gag. We're doing a They have no idea we're making fun of them.
Speaker: Yeah, what an idiot. Matthew, do you have time? ah I might have to bounce, right? Like two minutes. Can I do it abruptly? Can I say bye now and abruptly? Okay.
Speaker: Or maybe should I bounce now? Yeah, why not? you can have a flow? Yeah. yeah I love you guys. Love you, Matthew. Have a good rest of your day. Okay, bye-bye. See you later. Bye. Wow, what a nice guy. I'm sad to see him go. It was fun to play podcast with him for a bit. Yeah, for the next like half hour, we'll just talk about how great Matthew is, and then we'll send him the recording.
Speaker: Yeah. I want to read one more from the Incest Isn't Wrong community. me too. Actually, one of you guys read this one. I'll read it. It's kind of long, but it's it's quite the tale.
Speaker: Wow, it is quite long. I'll try it. Maybe I'll popcorn Patrick at some point. I admit, ever since my wife and son started it, oh my god. Sorry. I admit, ever since my wife and son started it, I have been getting more and more frustrated, and it just gets worse.
Speaker: Those of you who know from my earlier posts that my so wife and son are in an incestuous relationship, Soon after they started it, it became increasingly clear to me that I am no longer her love of life.
Speaker: She still loves me, but I take a back seat. I don't blame her. what wouldn't What woman wouldn't be crazy about a young, virile, athletic, and attractive man who she also happens to love deeply ever since he was born?
Speaker: He doesn't like me to participate as he says that I just get in his way. My wife and I don't have sex as much as we used to because she's almost always exhausted keeping up with our son's raging hormones and she loves every bit of it. Now, put yourself in my shoes.
Speaker: You are a man who is increasingly starving for sex. You have to pretty much daily get to see your wife and son going at it while you can't join in. You have a daughter who thinks incest is okay, a clip She wants no part of it as it's gross.
Speaker: How does she think it's okay? it's It's okay, but it is gross. Well, i absolutely respect her decision. And I never try to force it on her, even try to woo her or anything.
Speaker: But I am flesh and blood, and it doesn't help that she happens to be insanely attractive young woman who I can just look at from a distance and do nothing about it. I asked my wife if she would be okay if I sign up for on a dating site, etc.
Speaker: Or just get some sex elsewhere every once in a while. And that was a very empathic no. Emphatic. Emphatic. I have been... It was and it was an empathic... yep it was no No. It was an emphatic no. hate it, but no.
Speaker: and like it. i have been spending more time outside the house than at More time outside house than at home these days because at home have to face these frequent triggers. Whether it's my wife and son making out on the dinner table or having sex in the bedroom or seeing my daughter all dolled up for a party.
Speaker: My frustration has gotten to a point that even my daughter was able to sense it. Dad, are you frustrated? Though she is very sympathetic, she does not want to participate in incest, and I respect her decision 100%. She did, however, spoke up for me, tell her mother that she is being very selfish.
Speaker: Of course, that doesn't change my situation, but I am glad she did that. Holy shit. The craziest fucking fan fiction from a guy who thinks that an incest house an incest houses could exist.
Speaker: Yeah, and his daughter his his in this world, his daughter's just going to a party like, yeah Yeah, I think I want to cut loose for a bit. and i yeah My family's a little weird. they They're all incest. yeahre all and My dad watches and he doesn't like watching. My dad hates watching, but he does it. I'm not into it, although morally it's fine.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah that he's like I can imagine that him like trying to break the story as he's writing it. Like, alright, so the daughter, there has to be a daughter, right? Okay, but I can't fuck her either. can't fuck her because I'm like a pussy, like a pathetic guy. I'm a cock, I'm a... And she's gorgeous, obviously. She's being dolled up for a party, which is something like loose women do. might do. A desirable, sexy young woman. but She can't like find, she has to be rejecting me on the basis that I suck, not on the basis that incest is wrong.
Speaker: And also I guess she lives in a house where her brother is constantly fucking her mother. And if she thought it was gross, she would simply ah have a tantrum. So she has to tolerate that. Yeah. She has to okay with.
Speaker: Yeah. It's perfect cuck fantasy. This is like a biblical version of the cuck fantasy. Like you could start a religion based off of this guy's cuck shift. Yeah.
Speaker: Jesus Christ. And he has all these frequent triggers. Like seeing my wife and son making out on the dinner table. That a trigger. having the or or Or even having sex in the bed. Seeing them have sex in the bedroom, it triggers me because it makes me think of times where they have sex in the bedroom. it's Makes me think of my wife fucking my son. Yes.
Speaker: And then seeing them make out on the dinner table. yeah On the dinner, not at the dinner table, on top of it. Yeah, during dinner. yeah that's great My dinner! yeah
Speaker: My dinner is ruined! They threw it! This dinner is reminding me of when you guys have sex on the in the bed. ah Great. I guess I'll just spend more time out of the house these days. This is making me want to spend more time out of the house these days. guess I'm going to go on a hike.
Speaker: I asked my daughter, is it okay if I have but party with you and your friends? And she understands why I'm asking. but It's an emphatic no. Yeah. So basically all I have to do is leave the house and try to have sex with other women, but I'm not allowed to.
Speaker: Yeah, but of course I'm not allowed. She gets to fuck all the time. I love how even in this guy's fantasy also, like, um his sperm is so good that he produces, like, the most gorgeous girl and the hottest guy. And they're both, like, super athletic and sociable and well-liked. And, like, obviously my wife wants to fuck my son because he looks like me, but he's I'm not like him because I'm old and I'm ugly. Yeah, I'm just old and ugly.
Speaker: I'm not like my son who's like me from the past.
Speaker: This guy's like, I'm not a pedophile, but my wife is.
Speaker: And I like my son, who's a younger version of me, being able to fuck an older woman. And I would love to fuck my daughter. oh no, wait. I'm not a pedophile. I am. am a pedophile.
Speaker: I'm a pedophile, and so is my wife. But I'm not good i'm not good at it. Yeah, I'm the fuck the world, I'm just the world's worst pedophile. No jury could even convict me of pedophilia because I'm just so fucking bad. so ugly. I feel like everybody's good at incest but me.
Speaker: My daughter is fucking my brother. but Just to insult to injury. My brother, who's my twin, by the way. ah My clone has so much more riz than me.
Speaker: yeah my My father is actually fucking my daughter. which yeah Me and my girlfriend got cloned, but my clone is fucking my girlfriend and her clone and I'm alone in the corner. risulously approached my daughter and said, hey, you know how your brother is fucking your mom?
Speaker: Could you please fuck me so that I can be even with both of them? She said no because she doesn't find older guys attractive, which is fair. but then I walked in on her fucking my father and imagine how much that broke my heart.
Speaker: So I've just been jerking off to toilet paper.
Speaker: My wife says I can only... The only thing in the house that wants to fuck me is the toilet paper. That's because I'm so fucking pathetic. Yeah. I can't even touch myself. if my penis Even my penis doesn't want to touch my hand. My penis touches my hand and it goes a limp immediately.
Speaker: Wow. It's so awesome. I hope that this guy has more posts on Reddit. We should just read this guy's posts every episode. ah This guy's username is ah Peter Peterson.
Speaker: Oh, it's just Humbert Humbert. They should write low yeah ah but ah Lolita where... ah No, they shouldn't.
Speaker: Lolita where the guy gets like nothing happens to him. yeah He just has to watch everything happen around him. Yeah, Lolita where a guy's watching Lolita on TV and going, I wish I could have that.
Speaker: Though she is very sympathetic, she doesn't wish to participate in incest, and I respect her decision 100%. Yeah, no shit. He's a good father. i mean, yeah, he he respects her his daughter. Yeah, his daughter says, I don't believe in having sex with my parent. and He goes, honestly, I wish that I saw that more in the world these days.
Speaker: I wish that more people believed in what you believe in. I wish somebody, not gonna say boo, not gonna say boo, but You are my favorite child just for saying that. Epic win You just became my favorite.
Speaker: Why did you suddenly just become my favorite child?
Speaker: It's kind of an overwhelming ah story. Yeah. it's that it's It's completely like every sentence just makes it worse. and like But there's just so much just like stupid shit peppered in. like The daughter being respectful of the incest...
Speaker: is so That's like something only like the most like gooned out dude could think of. yeah It says, ah he doesn't like me to participate, as he says that I just get in his way. So in the story, it's implying that he they've had a threesome, right but he was bad at it.
Speaker: And that was the problem. Let me show you how a real happi show a real man fucks your mother. Dad, dad, I got this, okay? i ah You're embarrassing me. Yeah.
Speaker: Dude, she's right there. okay yeah. I guess I'll take the training wheels off. You know, ah you used to used to be so little. You know, you used to used to fit into the palm of my hand. and stop crying. You're ruining this.
Speaker: I just, my my little boy is fucking my old old lady. There's something melancholy about it.
Speaker: No one should listen to what we just said, right?
Speaker: No one should listen to the end of this podcast episode, right? We should not... If you made it this far, you fucked up. and We should not subject anyone to this. My coworker asked me the other day, like, oh, I saw your your podcast had new episode. I was like, maybe mean don't start with anything...
Speaker: Maybe start with not listening to it and see if you like that. i thought it was funny. It is funny. ah thought We just have to believe that it's fake because it is fake. There's no way that that's real. The daughter would go to the police.
Speaker: Yeah. It's just fake, right? It's fucking fake. Okay, fine. Let's ah palate cleanser. we'll We'll do a couple quick stupid questions and then and then get out of here. nice Okay, great.
Speaker: Okay, here's a great stupid question. Patrick, maybe you want to read it. Can I... yeah Can i eat food a spider ran across? Okay, I've never posted on this account, but I was bringing my dinner to my room.
Speaker: I saw a pretty big spider running across it. It was only there for a second before it climbed up my shoulder and I brushed it away. Now, I'm wondering, can I still eat my food?
Speaker: It's not like the spider was in there when I made it. was a drop down from the wall or something. Thanks for reading. Any advice for my cilia question is appreciated. This is from the No Stupid Question subreddit.
Speaker: It's not like he was there when I made it. It's very good. I really like the part at the beginning when it says, like, I was ah was bringing my dinner to my room.
Speaker: I saw a pretty big spider running across it. I guess if the spider stepped in, like, spider shit. Right. but The spider is from, like, a really rotten realm. Yeah.
Speaker: yeah Yeah. Maybe ah ah a portal opened on your wall and a spider came out of it. The question is essentially, am I afraid of a spider? Yeah.
Speaker: Hey, guys, just wondering if I'm afraid of a spider. It touched something that I wanted, and I'm wondering if because it touched it, i should I don't want the thing anymore because of my fear. I feel like I don't want the thing, but I don't know if I'm afraid of spiders. yeah You guys wouldn't have a second thought if you had ah a plate full of delicious piping hot food and a spider kind of just quickly...
Speaker: ran across. It may be like even like a violin string kind of like played as it happened. yeah if that iolin Okay, that would I would definitely not eat the food after that. That indicates something, right?
Speaker: Yeah. yeah But if it was a spider and I just heard maybe a xylophone or wolf. Yeah, if I heard a xylophone, then I know that's a funny spider. yeah The food might even be better to eat at that point. It might make you laugh if you eat it. It could slip out of my hand depending on what it is.
Speaker: Right. Oh, yeah. that My food has become... My food's become funny. Yeah. If a wolf howls when this happens to you, I would say throw out the food. It's haunted. maybe ah Maybe the spider, like when it jumps on the If it jumps on your shoulder and there's a boing, that's okay to eat.
Speaker: Yes. But if there's, you know, maybe a a sting or like that a that one sound that they always play in Kitchen Nightmares... If that shows up.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. um I guess if a bug has, I've seen a bug in my food before and I've eaten it. And I guess my rationale is just like, well, I'm pretty sure ah a million years ago I would have just eaten the bug and then eaten the food.
Speaker: So I ate the bug first. The bug have been an appetizer back then. Right. The bug looks like food, but the neon yellow slop that you're eating does not look like food to a caveman. Right. No. yeah Hey, get that slop out of the food. I never saw this color before. i can't eat that.
Speaker: That must be currency or paint. Caveman knows what paint is. but Let's put it up the cave. Caveman looks at the world and goes, oh my god, there's paint everywhere.
Speaker: I live in a painted world. There's green paint on the ground and blue paint up there. yeah
Speaker: ah From the gifted subreddit. Let's go. We're back. We're full circle. Pierce? Sure. Is anyone else completely satisfied with their life? Everyone on this sub just complains all the time.
Speaker: I personally love being gifted and think the benefits far outweigh the easily avoid avoidable detriments. Partly because of what I have been able to build due to my intelligence, I am extremely satisfied with my life.
Speaker: I am content every single day and enjoy and appreciate almost everything I am able to do. I'm pretty sure i'm the happiest person I know. Any other gifted people relate?
Speaker: Yeah, there you go. He's got another gift. He's got happiness. Right. That's so true, though, because like when you meet someone and they're like they're really smart, but they're depressed, it's like, well, what's point? You're not mine you be that smart. You're not using your intelligence to make yourself happy. not smart enough to think of a way to get out of that.
Speaker: Intelligence really is just like a decoration ah that if it's even slightly heavier than you can carry, you should become stupider just to get back at happiness. like Any additional intelligence that stresses you out, ah you should be able to auto-lobotomize yourself back to happiness.
Speaker: And if you're too dumb to be happy, ah i don't know what to... I guess you get Adderall or something. yeah There should be a different score. There should be IQ and there should be a happiness score. Yeah, HQ.
Speaker: My HQ is very high today. But that's the thing. It fluctuates. oh it fluctuate I feel like IQ fluctuates too. Yeah, that's true. I feel like mine mind goes up and down, even like during the day. Anyone else feel like their IQ is not fluctuating whatsoever, but is instead purely increasing?
Speaker: as a gifted person, I feel that I get smarter every day and that nothing can stop my acceleration towards pure knowing. Yeah, I mean, if you were smart and happy, and you felt that you were the happiest person you knew, mean, doesn't that give you a feeling of emptiness because there's nothing to look out, there's nothing to want, there's nothing to work toward? Well, then you would get sad.
Speaker: Yeah, they'd just go, I just realized i don't I don't want to do anything. I just want to live my life. I would say, that's wrong. You can't. You have to achieve something amazing.
Speaker: have to win. Well, they they also are convinced that they're winning, I guess, because they're like, i'm the happiest person in my friend group. I'm happy and I'm gifted. Oh, yeah. That's what I would say to this person is like, how can you be content when you're the smartest, happiest person in your life? Doesn't that mean that you're surrounded by miserable people?
Speaker: Aren't you a narcissist? Yeah, but being a narcissist wouldn't make you unhappy. That would make you a narcissist would be totally fine with that. Yeah. I mean, that is funny that like we try to stigmatize narcissism. We're just like someone is like, hi I realized that I'm the most important special person in my life and I am legitimately better than everyone else and I always get what I want. And then we go, well, you're mentally ill.
Speaker: Well, did you know that that's an illness? Did you know that you're sick in the head for that? You're a fucking freak. Fuck you. Fuck you, asshole. Yeah. I'm more important than you. Yeah. yeah but I don't think that. I don't think I'm the most important, but I'm more important than you.
Speaker: Yeah. Someone says, I genuinely believe that I'm the most important person in the universe and I always get what I want. And then you just say, well, no. yeah Fucker. Shut up. Wrong.
Speaker: No, you just believe that, but it's not true. That's what you think. Oh, you like yourself. Oh, you like yourself. You're obsessed. Actually, something just happened to you when you were a kid that made you believe that.
Speaker: Sorry. What? Be more interested in me. yeah hello, hello, I'm a doctor. going to give you pills so that you stop believing that you're good. You have to stop believing in yourself.
Speaker: Take this. Yeah, the world needs more narcissists. Yeah. We keep snuffing out their lovely flame. Yeah.
Speaker: Narcissists built so ah much statues. They built statues of themselves. Every statue that guy, statue is, he built it. He built it himself. That's why he looks so good.
Speaker: He built that statue. Without narcissism, where we wouldn't have that one guy that we all like. We wouldn't have statues. Yeah. It's so funny just be like, who's that one guy who has all that statues of him?
Speaker: There's all those statues he built of himself, remember? Who are you talking about? Van Gogh? I don't fucking know. I which one it is. Yeah, this famous guy that we all... He was obsessed with himself.
Speaker: That guy who's like the best at everything and he's the king of the world and yeah throughout history we've always loved him and he's got all the statues. of Everywhere you go, you see He built all the statues of himself and that's why he made himself look so good.
Speaker: Yeah. And then all the gargoyles on top of buildings were people that he did not like. Right. People he did not agree with. Right. Anyway. And he put them high up so that no one could see them. Right. That guy who we like you know we worship and we and we like kind of revere him and his his visage is etched in stone across millennia and people have fought wars over him and stuff. That guy was actually like kind of a freak. He's kind of a narcissist. He's not that good of a guy. kind fucking obsessed with himself.
Speaker: you know um Well, there's a chance that this person is Christ also, right? Yeah. Right. Was Christ smart, though? Because he didn't say anything that smart. He you didn't see that one thing coming. He was just kind of some dumb fucking carpenter.
Speaker: Every carpenter I've ever met has been a fucking idiot. yeah And i don't think he was even that happy. now No. He wasn't happy, right? The key to happiness is to do is to eat not that much food. and Yeah. Fucking granola, crunchy ass.
Speaker: oh If you guys want to be happy, you just try to eat not that much food and wash someone's feet that way one time. Wash another person's feet. And have a halo. This guy's obsessed with feet.
Speaker: Yeah, this guy's a fucking... But then when he was crucified, all he did was... He cried, right? He wept, yeah. he Jesus wept, right? Yeah, he really didn't look smart up there.
Speaker: no You kind of look stupid when you're nailed to a cross because it's like you let them do that to you. Yeah, use your power. Yeah, come on. Yeah, he's like, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, I'm doing this on purpose.
Speaker: Yeah, use your carpentry powers to get down right from this cross made of wood. Bro, you used to work on wood. Now they're putting you on it. Dude, you should have known that they were going to do that. That's the ultimate irony, too. Yeah, they were like, Jesus, could you carry this up the mountain? Because you're so good at carpentry. He's like, sure. Oh, they tricked him.
Speaker: Now we're going to put you on it. We're going to put you on it now, you bastard. Yeah, they give like Ikea directions for how to assemble the cross. And he's like, all right, I don't know why I'm supposed to put my hand here before I use the nail, but I guess I'll just follow the directions. He's put like, ah yeah, he's got like the little hex keys. He's like, yeah, it's tightening the screw into his own hand. Just like, did I fuck this up? Yeah, yeah i think um I think I did all this wrong. Okay, I guess it's done being built. Can someone get me down now?
Speaker: Oh, rats. Oh, no. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy, just like they... ah Or no, that was different guy. Oedipus, I guess, yeah. <unk> That's why he cried. They pranked him too hard.
Speaker: right they stop making fun of me he cried yeah can't stop making fun of me and get me down yeah jesus would have been so embarrassed if he i mean he literally did lie when he was up there he was like all right i know i said i was the son of god and it really doesn't look like i am anymore because you guys are stabbing me and i'm clearly dying so I just realized that, by the way, I meant to do all of this. And I'm actually doing this.
Speaker: I'm actually doing this because you guys fucked up. And what I'm doing is actually really smart to do. um yeah You guys look stupid. You guys are the assholes.
Speaker: I'm a fucking genius. Yeah. Yeah. Like in and a hundred years, everyone's going to think you're dumb. Not me. yeah yeah And this, by the way, me on here looking this this way, it was my idea. And you guys, I actually tricked you guys. I knew this was going to happen.
Speaker: the That's always the last resort. Yeah, so so what? I don't care. that's yeah and i like I like this. yeah Yeah, I actually am gay. Fuck you.
Speaker: Well, that was a fun episode of Coffee and Hungover with Patrick in the studio. Matthew with me for a bit. You know, you've never done a wrap-up at the end of recording, but yeah, go ahead. and do No, do a write do a wrap-up really quick. Let's see. 30 minutes of riffing before we even read a single question.
Speaker: Starting strong with sort of a Mr. Beanbugs Bunny angle and then getting all the way around to a ah deeply ah upsetting incest fantasy and a few bonus palate cleansers to to match.
Speaker: That's my... i Yeah, you can use that in the... Just that will be the clip. yeah yeah
Speaker: The clip should always be the last 30 seconds of the episode. Yeah. The 30 seconds where it's just, oh, bye. Thanks for listening. Kind of meagerly. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, it's a fact check, it's sorry Charlie, honey, he's back from L.A.
Speaker: So soon you better turn around. Yeah, Christ is on his way across town. Was getting tired of hanging around.
Speaker: Yeah, it's fact check, smoking crack, find him if you want to get.
Speaker: you
