Transcript
Speaker: This is a Chamber of Reason, a podcast, and we are here with our guest. Well, let me introduce myself first. Back up. I'm Derek. Yeah. Who are who are you?
Speaker: I have a co-host named Matthew, and he is joining us. And I have a co-host named Pierce, and he is not joining us. And most importantly, we have a guest today. Our guest is named April Clark. And it's her second appearance on the podcast. If you haven't listened to her first appearance on the podcast, please go listen to that now in the begin. Once you're ready, the sequel, which is this episode. Okay. You don't have to listen to the first up to the other. ah It's fine. i think it would I think it would be better if we were kind of all um putting forward... For all on the same page. And by that, you mean agreeing.
Speaker: I'm asking for fresh start from... I two should be agreeing with me. Your listeners. I want a fresh start. I want people to forget... So first of all, forget everything you ever thought you knew about me.
Speaker: this is a fresh This is a fresh start. This is a total fresh start. Okay, I respect your agency and I'm going to allow it. Thank you. i i i've done a lot of I've done a lot of things in my my so my small career. Just forget all that.
Speaker: I don't want anybody to... Don't worry about that. You want to restart right about now. Fresh start. Yeah, fresh start right now. when you're going to start producing the actually good memories. Yeah, you can start taking me seriously right about now.
Speaker: yeah Okay, April. So why don't you start us off by telling us one thing we should know about you? um One thing you should know one thing we shouldn't.
Speaker: um
Speaker: Is this too hard? I mean, we're starting from blank, so I think we should have something. that's That's interesting. i um Well, one thing you should one thing you should know about me.
Speaker: um i'm i'm not a I'm not a podcaster. You've never been on any podcast before. I've never been on a podcast. This isn't something I do. i mean, that's a lovely thing to know. but I mean, it feels like something I should know about everyone.
Speaker: In an ideal world, i would know that everyone is not a podcaster. Right. Most people are not. Though these days, more and more of them are. And that makes it harder and harder know that they're not. actually kind think the podcast is over.
Speaker: i think podcasting is over. i agree. I don't really know what comes next. but This is an antiquated form. This is like being on ham radio or something. Yeah, I think it sort of is. which is charming It's charming. Yeah.
Speaker: Not to knock what you guys are doing. That's not what I... I mean, like, no no shade to doing... We're not trying to be cutting edge here. We know what we're doing is old hat. What do you think has replaced podcasts?
Speaker: Short form Instagram dating shows. a Actually, i actually think it's that. I think I do think that I think that has replaced the podcast. For the up and coming comedian, I think starting ah i a short form Instagram dating show is the new podcast.
Speaker: Yes. But what about for people languishing? Excuse me? Uh, ah You're talking about yourself? and No, just hypothetically. Oh, oh. Let's say you were kind of a fringe figure, um somebody that maybe dabbled in the industry at one time, and you have nowhere to go but down.
Speaker: Maybe podcasting is right for you. Maybe being a podcast guest is right for you. Hmm.
Speaker: It's funny that podcasts would become defunct media because they sort of started off that way. Totally. They sort of started off pre-irrelevant. What is a podcast? It's like a radio show that you record digitally. like Isn't radio old?
Speaker: And now it's just losing its identity. Now it's like, okay, and ideally you film your podcast. Ideally it's like... Ideally, it's TV also. Ideally, you're self-producing TV also. Right.
Speaker: Well, if you're a purist, it this isn't even technically a podcast because no one's listening to this, I don't think, on an iPod. oh To be a podcast, you have to download the transfer it to your iPod, and listen to it with those like long, um white, ah wired earbuds.
Speaker: Is that really where the term podcast comes from? From iPod? I guess so, huh? It was ah it was a combination of iPod and what, broadcast?
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. So it's just always been other media that you just are forced to watch or listen to somewhere bad.
Speaker: Anyways, how are you guys?
Speaker: oh Getting personal here, huh? Yeah. i was about to I was about to say something very clever, I thought. Oh, sorry. oh sorry i didn't mean that now less so I didn't mean to cut you off with the pure such a personal or question.
Speaker: Real quick, it's like calling... a No, it's not that good. Can you say it, though? Yeah, was going say... Just say Podcast is like... ah Or what do you call a group of men hanging out? ah pause yeah Excuse me. let say Yeah.
Speaker: What do you call a group of men? of A murder of crows. As a podcast guest, you are a man. ghost You call them a murder? of Well, no, you're not even you you have to be complete. You have to say you have to say white man. Oh, yeah. What do you call a group of white men? is that the is that how it goes? I'm getting it wrong. What do you call a group of white men hanging out in the wild? A podcast? What is it? It's sort of like that old joke where it's like, why did a group of what was it like? Why? Why did the Polish spaceman fly into the sun or something?
Speaker: what How about this? what um group of How about this? a group of white men walk into a bar. The bartender says, why the podcast? Yes, yes, yes, yes. april That really gets the point across. Yeah, I think I got it.
Speaker: Yeah, I think I got it. how How about ah why did the why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the podcast. To get to the podcast.
Speaker: Yeah. And that sort of yeah simply conveys how we're doing on a personal kind of more emotional level too, right? Knock, knock. Who's there? Pod.
Speaker: Pod who? Podcast. What is that? And if you're me and you're in seventh grade and you're a bit edgy, you would say like, what's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?
Speaker: um The babies have a podcast. They have a podcast. tree They're nailed to a tree. They're nailed to a tree and they have a podcast and they're doing a podcast called Tree Pod. Tree Pod.
Speaker: it's hosted by 10 babies s nailed to it. Yeah, I'm thinking about getting into i'm thinking about getting into comedy. yeah it would be It would be cool to at least hit some hit some mics and then tell all the good dead baby jokes, you know? I'm hitting them i'm hitting a mic right now. You're using one.
Speaker: And it does hit, right? It does hit your face. Yeah, it does. Bad aim. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Yeah. Anyway, sorry. i don't mean to derail everything with... You're railing it. don't know. i I'm a bad... I'm being really bad. I'm trying to be a really good podcast guest, but I'm being a really bad podcast guest. Sorry.
Speaker: I'm going to better starting now. You've been so good. You've given us so much... um What is it called? We're we're reacting to you. Yeah, this is a clip. Welcome to the clip. We're in the clip right now. We can't get out.
Speaker: Yeah, okay, let's just like circle. Let's, okay, starting now. Sorry, guys, we got distracted talking about a bunch of stuff that can't be included on the episode of the podcast. It's because we're close friends ah and, you know, we've known each other for a long time. We have a lot of stuff to kind of talk about. um And we haven't all hung out in a while. So, um you know, which makes it really nice to kind of do the podcast and talk. But also, it's like, you know, you get caught up talking about bullshit.
Speaker: bullshit you can't put it's not for you but you can't hear it cut up in our stupid friendship which we'll work on we'll kind of work on ending trying to we're trying to cut that out we're trying to cut out our friendship and just get back to having a professional relationship so we can succeed in hollywood we're working on our hollywood goals wait yeah wait is that so is that like a premise to this podcast or like there is matthew you want to kick us off Yes. ah We actually have a completely new premise um for the last few episodes and for the foreseeable future.
Speaker: ah Instead of reacting to Reddit questions that we find online, we've been writing our own questions for each other. They're surprising. They reflect our genuine curiosity about the world.
Speaker: ah And I think our listeners are really kind of engrossed in these episodes. they're upset They're really liking what we've been doing where we write questions and then have follow-up discussion.
Speaker: um So I've actually prepared a question for the two of you um that I'd really love to get your thoughts on. Please. um Would you rather have no arms or legs or live in a world where you are able to do anything you want without ever being held accountable.
Speaker: No arms and legs or no arms or legs? I can choose. would you rather have no arms and legs at all? like Neither arms nor legs. Yeah. Fully amputated. You have no arms or legs.
Speaker: No arms nor legs. Yeah, nor legs. You're right, you're right You have no arms nor legs. I'm just getting kind of caught up on the phrasing of the question. My bad, apologize. Just to make sure I understand what I'm saying yes to. have no arms legs.
Speaker: Nor do you have legs. Or. Yeah, or. You can do anything you want and you'll never be held accountable. um
Speaker: Trick question. If you lose your arms and legs, nobody holds you accountable for anything anymore. That's a really good point. You can have both. You can actually have both. So i would go I would go no arms, no legs because you can then that way you get everything.
Speaker: You get to lose your arms and your legs and nobody holds you accountable for anything anymore because they feel so bad because you lost both your arms. and You get both. yeah whereas yeah if you If you are simply allowed to do anything you want, yes, you could cut off your arms and legs, but it's so much work.
Speaker: Right. Well, and what am I going to do? i have surgery to get... I'm not going to that. That sounds painful. But in this, I imagine the the question sort of... It's like, poof. No. your arms and Your arms and legs are gone. You skip to the good part. No arms and legs.
Speaker: Yeah. And then also nobody holds you accountable because um everyone's like, oh my God, what what happened? And you say, I don't want to talk about it. But the secret is that, you know, it was actually magic. Would you rather... It was a wish. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, it was a wish, actually. Nothing happened. Nothing bad happened. It was just a wish. I got hit by a wish. I got hit by wish and lost my arms and my legs. And yeah and then nobody get can get mad at you for anything anymore.
Speaker: But you also can't really do much effectively either. so i mean you don't think You don't think people with arms or legs can do anything? I guess they can.
Speaker: they can They can kill I guess you can do a lot of things. but They can do some things that you can't do. Breathe armlessly.
Speaker: I can't do that. Every time I breathe, I'm covered in all these arms that I can control. You know how they say you know how they say um you know how they say that like people with... you know If you lose your um like eyesight or whatever, like your other senses intensify.
Speaker: and if you do you say if you lose your arm sight No, your eyes, if you lose your eyesight, like you get really good like smell and you can like tell what things are by tasting them and stuff and and whatnot.
Speaker: um So if you lose um your arms and legs, probably there's like an equivalent version of that where, um you know, maybe like, maybe it's like,
Speaker: you know you You start to be able to like see and you're you get really smart probably and like your brain gets really... If it were like a video game and do you have to balance your stats, it would probably be like minus 10 to grabbing, minus 10 to walking, plus 20 to wiggling.
Speaker: I think maybe so, but I would imagine that sort of like with the senses thing where it's like you lose your eyesight, then you gain other senses, like your senses strengthen your other senses. So if you lose the ability, if you lose your arms and legs, you're losing...
Speaker: The ability to control your arms and legs. So you would gain like, oh, now I have the ability to control things with my like tummy or my bones or my back. Like, oh, now I can grab things with my chest. You can probably belly roll really well. You could fold origami with your lower back. Yeah, just use the small of my back.
Speaker: Yeah. Open this jar with the small of my back. Yeah. You could probably i'd use that tongue like crazy. you ever yeah You get better at performing oral sex? you ever Yeah, you ever got your shit sucked on by somebody with no arms, no legs?
Speaker: Probably better. Probably. Yeah. would, I would, yeah, I would I suppose I would give it a shot. yeah Is it, is it like a spectrum? Is it like if they just had like the tips of their fingers shaved off slightly, like a few millimeters, would they be that much better at oral sex?
Speaker: Or do you have to lose the whole arm? can, we can, we can find out if you're not afraid. I don't want it. thank you. Okay, it's fine. I mean, I don't really i don't really want to.
Speaker: i have like stuff going on the rest of the day. yeah Derek, what are what are you what are you doing later, Derek? Do you want to talk about your plans for after the podcast? ah No, I'm going to be tending my personal affairs and it's really not the business of you, my close friends.
Speaker: Great. That's fine. We don't have to talk about it. Just trying to make conversation and and getting being thwarted at every turn, but it's fine. I mean, if if if you're open, we can talk about like sort of what you've been doing for work lately.
Speaker: Not much. Not much. um You don't sound very open about it. No, I guess I'm not open either. I guess nobody... So that's an interesting premise for a podcast. Nobody wants to disclose anything personal or vulnerable.
Speaker: That's kind of the premise of the show is we all try to treat each that April doing anything particularly vulnerable for work. I don't want to make it sound like you're doing something nefarious. No, I just mean like real, like, no, you know, that is kind of, that is kind a fun premise for podcasts is, you know, you all try to to kind of trick each other into revealing things about your personal lives. And then, you know, you all try to not say anything personal.
Speaker: Yeah. So what do you think about parents getting married? Me having, like knowing one of, one of you have a parent that has gotten married, remarried. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, I went to... um um That's not so personal because it's not really about me.
Speaker: i went to my mom's wedding recently. Okay, tricked you. I got you to talk about it. Well, I decided to become vulnerable. ah It was really nice. It was actually really sweet.
Speaker: and i'm really And I'm really happy. I'm really happy for I love weddings. You guys should get married so I can go to your weddings. I would do that if it provides you with a good time. Yeah. Well, thank you. i kind of... Do get married this year? you know some Some people talk about like, you know, you hear people say like, oh my God, all of a sudden all my friends are getting married and it's just weddings, weddings, weddings. Oh my God.
Speaker: I would love that. I'm so excited for all my friends to start getting married. It's starting. A couple of my friends are getting married. it's It's nice when people get married, but it's it's only really worth it if they have a decent amount of money to put it in a good venue. um It's just sad when you're your friends with less money get married.
Speaker: It kind of feels like they're resorting to it. Like they're clinging on to each other. Well, that's why I'm going to be a ah a guest and I'm not going to you know get married anytime soon. a guest is the ultimate privilege. A guest at a nice wedding. I agree.
Speaker: Anytime anyone gets married, it's a nice party. And also, they create a more structured world for you to enter. Like, oh, now you have like a married friend and I mean, that's always nice. I can relate to easier because I have a clear sense of the boundaries of your relationship, legally speaking, you know, between these two people. It's always so stressful when you hang out with unmarried couples because you have to kind of wonder, like, what are the terms of your relationship?
Speaker: How do you two relate to each other, if at all? Another thing I hate is a small, intimate ceremony. Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You want it to be big. You want it to be by the books. It should be like a carnival.
Speaker: it No, and not by the books. It should just be huge. It should be a festival. I feel I don't really know the terms of my married friends relationships well enough. I feel like there could be a little more transparency. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Because sometimes you know people are married, but you don't know, like, okay. How often are they sleeping together? How often do they sleep together? Do they share bed? like That's what the vow space should be used for. Vows should be public record.
Speaker: And they should have to clarify that all the terms of what you're going to be doing in the course of your marriage. And then if you want to know about your married friend's relationship, you should be able to go the... Consult the to the library or the courthouse, start wherever wherever they're going to wherever they're going to keep these.
Speaker: ah Maybe they'll be digitized. Yeah, you can go on a website and you can you can look up their vows and you can say, I wonder you know how often they vowed to sleep with each other. And you can find out... you know they vowed to, you know, have, um you know, perfunctory sex once a week.
Speaker: And then now you have a better sense of, you know, how these two people relate to each other and the level of intimacy that they have. um And also in the digital record, maybe we could have like um a a record of like how often they failed to keep their vows, ah you know, and then husbands and wives can threaten each other and say like, honey, you better...
Speaker: You better fuck me or else I'm going to report it and there's going to be a mark on the vows that you failed. You failed to have perfunctory sex with me twice a week and it kept accidentally slipping into passionate it lovemaking.
Speaker: Just once a week. Yeah. We agreed ah to perfunctory sex. that's the pleasure of That's the pleasure of marriage. Yeah. Is you get guaranteed perfunctory sex. because with I've never experienced it. I've never experienced that rare special pleasure that you only get from perfunctory sex.
Speaker: With casual unmarried sex, you know, it's often passionate and every so often it's perfunctory. And, you know, but there's, you just can't count on it, you know? no Mostly it's, mostly it's going to be kind of like, because you want to, you know, but it's better it's better when it's, you know, technical.
Speaker: Don't you think it should be like a three strikes and you're out situation where if you do fail the vows three times, you automatically get divorced and you can't, there's no way to rectify it.
Speaker: It should be out of your control. Yeah. And a bad divorce too. ah A one a years long court battle automatically is executed. Yeah, I think so. I think that'd be good.
Speaker: I think that'd be good. Last time I had a friend they were getting married, I advocated for prenup and they were upset with me. you think that's wrong? Yeah. I think marriage is a... Look, here's... I'm being kind of... I'm being genuine here.
Speaker: i think that marriage is obviously like ah it's a... you know It's a contract you're entering into together. And i think... the most romantic thing you can do is be totally honest with yourselves about the contract with, with each other, but the contractual nature of the, of the agreement into which you're entering and getting a prenup is, you know, a form of honesty. You're saying, look, we're both admitting that like, that's, that is what this is.
Speaker: And, that honesty is I think very beautiful and intimate. And I think you do yourself a disservice by pretending it's actually not romantic to pretend you're getting married for love and that marriage is like real or whatever.
Speaker: So no, I don't think you're wrong to advocate for a prenup. i I think that's, that's, that's part of it. You know, I couldn't do a prenup because as, as much money as it costs to, you get a prenup would probably be all the money I have in the world. So it'd be sort of pointless for me. But... Oh, to even get one. It costs a lot. Right. Because you have to pay for like lawyers and shit and, you know... Not anymore. Now a lot of people are using chat GPT um to create their own prenup contracts.
Speaker: And also officiate their wedding. Has anyone actually officiated a wedding with chat GPT? gpt There's got to be people writing their vows with chat GPT at this point. Oh, vows definitely. 100%. I'm sure that's like documented. Okay. It says here that i love you.
Speaker: No, the the vows the vows, definitely. um and i think speech And I think speeches, um like toasts.
Speaker: I mean, all all kinds of public speaking people are using chat GPT for. I think even the legal stuff, I'm pretty sure. don't know. oh I don't know. I think even like filing for a prenup is not crazy demanding. i think you can just do that.
Speaker: Oh, okay. Well, then I'll get one when I get married. You should get one. I'll just get one. i I don't think... and And I would never be upset with someone for suggesting you know that I should get one.
Speaker: That's like a normal like a normal thing. lot of people get those. i I feel bad about what I said earlier where I said that you know poor people shouldn't get married or that it's a burden to go to a poor person's wedding because they're not extravagant. And I kind of want to walk that back. I know you guys don't care about it, but it's the opposite. well And just to be clear, we're all poor. So yeah. And I say that as a poor person, like I don't think I'll ever be able to get married because I won't be able to afford this big festival. But I think i I actually just came up with a way around this, which is really like a get rich quick scheme.
Speaker: Then we can all get married. i wish. But but rather, i think bringing back something that I believe was... i don't know if this is first performed by the um the Moonies.
Speaker: But I know they popularized it, which is the mass wedding, which I think is quite romantic and very extravagant and very cool, which is you get married. Wait, like we we all we all pool our money together. we all pool our money and have one big wedding where we all get married together. That's what it is.
Speaker: Yes. A big crowd of brides and husbands. Sounds like good way to go Yeah, those the arranged marriages. I like that a lot. yeah It doesn't have to be like a cult thing. It doesn't have to be arranged though, like the Moonies.
Speaker: I mean, it doesn't have to, but that ah might add something also. That would make it more exciting. oh who am I to get? think that's more exciting and interesting. as I mean, sexual orientations respected or just sort of random?
Speaker: I think you should probably figure out like the average. I mean, what they say? It's like maybe like 10% and then, yeah, just apply that to the crowd. It could be random. Right. Okay. um That's reasonable. Would it be like you know who you're marrying in advance or just sort of like there's a pool of brides and a pool of husbands and you kind of like draw draw straws for like who's going to marry who and then it's kind of like...
Speaker: I think that would be more fun. You just kind of marry whoever. Yeah. I'm deciding i'm to get married, so I'm just going to throw my name in the in the in the bowl and hope I get picked. and then Let's say you got a pick and it was someone who's like not ideal.
Speaker: How long do you think you could... like enjoy the merit? like How long do you think you'd have it in you? well we're basic We're actually basically inventing ah reality TV here.
Speaker: then This is basically the premise of um and Married at First Sight and among other shows. Love is fine. Yeah, well, I think less so love is blind because love is blind. It's like theoretically they... oh they do talk.
Speaker: They talk, but sometimes you get an ugly one and then they don't stick it out. But but Married at First Sight specifically, it's like you're just... The the producers just match you up with somebody. That's it. okay you You like fill out a survey or something. I don't know. And then they just match you up and you meet them like at the altar and then you get married. and know that That's like sort of the secular replacement for these these old forms, because wasn't isn't that what religion was like? Religion was just a way to do interesting things to people so that you could watch what happens. hmm. Mm hmm.
Speaker: Are these marriages, are they matched up by like class? Like, are they good business marriages? On the show? Yeah. i i ah I don't know. Actually, don't remember. Sometimes.
Speaker: That's actually... That is interesting. Because that's what I wonder. Because that's my, like I think, hack idea of... This isn't a show that I like watch necessarily. This is something that i that I've like seen over people's shoulders and occasionally occasionally gotten sucked into.
Speaker: um because they are kind of ah addicting in their in their way. um But i think the one I think when they get an ugly one, or if you you're paired with someone who you don't think is, who you don't personally who doesn't personally work for you, they just don't last they don't last very long at all.
Speaker: Right. Honestly. Anyways, that's what I remember from that. So props props to us, though, for coming up with that kind of independently. Yeah, we came up with ah the idea of TV.
Speaker: we we meant We invented that stuff. we invented TV. Yeah. ah Do either of you guys have a question? I i didn't know we were goingnna be asking each other questions. Derek, derek do you I'm going to think of one. Derek, do you have any questions? Sure. Would you rather be an ayahuasca sitter For Donald Trump, Barack Obama, or Hillary Clinton, knowing that during their during their trip, during the ceremony, their innermost demons and um fears and insecurities will come bubbling forth and they will break down crying as they vomit.
Speaker: revealing um secrets and maybe even sort of like certain essential structures of their personality. who Which of those three would you like to to witness?
Speaker: And who are the three again? Trump, Obama, and Hillary Clinton. You want to explain that a little bit, who these people are? For for any of our listeners our listeners who don't know who they are? for if youre Perhaps you're a really young audience or old. Maybe they've forgotten. Zoomers?
Speaker: For the Zoomers? for the zoom For any Gen Alpha listening to this? Matthew, there's actually younger than Zoomers now. What? They're alpha. gets even younger?
Speaker: They're gen alpha. They're like two they're like two years old and they have iPhones for brains. Whoa. And they they're not going to know who these people are. And also your old listeners who are like, you know, 90, 95, 100, kind of forgetting everything that's ever happened to them. They're not going to know who these people are either. They're not going to remember. They're losing their memories of who they... Yeah. Yeah. you have to remind remind them We, I mean, we can continue this, this shtick. I mean, imagine that we have, for example, space aliens listening to the the show. Like they're, they're capturing signals in outer space.
Speaker: No. without real do you Think about it. Well, okay then go ahead and explain to the space aliens. Well, also think of our middle-aged listeners who maybe do have the knowledge of who Donald Trump and Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are, but because they're at the height of their careers and family lives, etc., their minds are simply elsewhere.
Speaker: their attention is not focused on who these political figures are, but it's focused instead on the immediate needs of administrating their lives, going for that promotion, ah couples therapy, et cetera. These people are busy. What's more, sorry, sorry go ahead.
Speaker: They're busy. They're busy. Yeah, yeah. ah Well, what's what's more is, you know, think think of your listeners who perhaps, um, are themselves Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or Barack Obama, perhaps and perhaps um need to be reminded how they relate to the other two people in the i of the you know three people you've listed and you know want to feel themselves kind of situated historically and politically so they can understand the question you know ah the and the world and their place in it.
Speaker: you know Because maybe you know if you're listening to this and you're like, I'm Hillary Clinton, you might want to know you know, am I better or worse than the other two people that you said?
Speaker: Right. And is it raw is it like socially clumsy for me to say myself? Like, how do you handle this when when you're the subject matter of the question? Like, you want to be cool about it? It's like, do you vote for yourself? What do you say? It's so tricky.
Speaker: And um from what I understand, there are like... i think I think this is true. There are like very small like microscopic mites that live in each of our eyebrows. And like hypothetically, these sound waves could be reaching um those those very small creatures. like Certainly, like they might be able to interpret them in some way. The microscopic mites who live in our eyebrows? Could you just explain who they are?
Speaker: who
Speaker: The mice. Donald. Donald. If you were like a tree living in the woods. All of them. Then the mice. What mice? What?
Speaker: The mice. Microscopic mice who live in your eyebrows. What? What are you talking about? You said there are microscopic mice who live in our eyebrows. Nobody ever said that, man. ah oh what else is in your eyebrows? Microscopic cheese.
Speaker: um You know, I think I said mites. Oh, what else is in your, what else is in your, on your eyebrows? Microscopic holes in the trim that mice go in and have little homes in there.
Speaker: um what, and what else is in your eyebrows? Microscopic cats who chase the mice and try to eat the mice. Uh huh. Yeah. Derek takes a sip of his coffee. And what else? micro Microscopic, microscopic mousetraps to catch catch and kill the mice.
Speaker: yeah and And like I said, if if you're like a tree living in the woods, but like a witch has cursed you with sentience, for example, brought you to life. Then then if you fall over, someone who will be around to hear it.
Speaker: Yes. You.
Speaker: We're the witch. Sorry, I cut ah cut you off. If you're a tree living in the woods and a witch cursed you to sentience, not only would you be able not only will you make a sound if you fall over because someone will be around to hear it.
Speaker: You with a sentient tree. ah What else about the tree? yeah you were You were saying about the tree? Yeah, a little more. little more depth.
Speaker: I don't know. I mean, I wish you could tell me, frankly. So who are Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama? And who are the mice? And who is the Who are they and why?
Speaker: And who is the witch? Do you guys think this is a good idea for our podcast? to i Actually, Matthew, you don't answer. April, do you think it's a good idea for us to come up with questions and then try to answer them?
Speaker: because i Because every time we do it, I start to think, I don't know. Uh, well, isn't that all of life coming up with questions, trying to answer them? No, that's sort of all we have.
Speaker: No, it's not. Oh, there's other stuff. Not really. You're doing all kinds of other shit. I don't know. I do think it's kind of... all I think it's kind of um formally innovative to ah just kind of transform the premise of your podcast every so often and structure completely and just say that, you know, this is what we do now. It's different.
Speaker: I think that's... I think that's good. um i think, honestly, what you should do... Here's what I would do if I were you guys. Here's what i would do. here's Here's an idea for a podcast for you. Every, you know, a few weeks or whatever, you have a a meeting on on the air, on the podcast, where ah you all kind of propose transformations to the structure of the podcast, new rules, new rules.
Speaker: new structures and then you vote and the podcast transforms, you know, and and maybe the listeners could be involved too. So it'd be kind of a podcast that's like ever, you can kind of gamify it.
Speaker: You can gamify the, you know, so your, your podcast, you you should run it like a country almost, you know, where you have like um amendments to the rules and yeah i like America, you should run it like America.
Speaker: i think the problem is like, we need real punishments for not adhering to the rules. Yeah. Well, next time you have your meeting, you should propose punishments. You know, when you're setting up the rules, you should propose punishment. Because i think it's i I think it's exciting that you guys have, you know, kind of moved, ah you know, transformed the premise the podcast slightly.
Speaker: um But you think constantly change it is the way. I think, shea why why why stop there? keep Keep changing it. I mean, who gets to vote on the rules? Is it just the hosts? Because it seems like we would just be doing the same shit we want to do over and over again. Well, this is why this is why you would need to have a meeting because, you know... um we have to do the constitution first. Yeah, you have to figure out the Constitution and figure out who gets to vote and when and under what circumstances ah community members get to vote. And maybe there's like a Patreon tier where people can like, you know, submit um legislation or. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: right Maybe there could be like a House of Representatives tier, a Senate tier. Yeah. that you guys can vote on. Yeah. Court tier. Yeah. Yeah, for like 50 bucks a month, you know, you can be um like Speaker of the House or whatever. You can come on the episode and like talk.
Speaker: There should be elections. Maybe you could have injur introduce elections. Yeah, there's democracy after all. i' thought about that i think that'll be I think that'd be interesting. i I think that's a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. So I think it's, I think it's exciting. I think it's exciting that you guys are just coming up with questions and and and answering them, I guess.
Speaker: um the The thing is, no matter what we talk about, it's always going to be us. We're always going to bring it back to the same shit we were going to say anyway. So I just feel like... that's a reallyley I really like that, Derek.
Speaker: That's really good. You like that, April? It doesn't sound a bit dark. No, I like that a lot. It's like it actually doesn't matter that our, ah you know, our premise could be completely, you know, stupid. Not that that's a stupid premise, but, you know, the premise could be no matter what the premise is, how stupid is the show is in essence going to be the same. Because there's a gravity that like. Yeah, I like I think that's I think that's powerful.
Speaker: It doesn't matter what you do, what structure you introduce. The show is essentially always going to be what what it what it is. wow, we're really we're getting to the bottom of of podcasting. Well, if that's the case, then if if the structure doesn't matter, if it always is sort of like, yeah, we're nominally talking about this, but we're going to end up talking about our pet our pet themes or whatever, then why not choose a premise that like...
Speaker: I don't know, something that draws people in probably more so than either. either like Maybe the premise should be the newest Spider-Man. ah like what Facts about the newest Spider-Man. That should be the premise. I think to to Derek's point, you know you could do that if you wanted, but it wouldn't last very long. You would get sucked back into your own thing. so it doesn't It's sort of irrelevant. The premise can be whatever you want. The show's going to be what it is. Right. yeah You know, there's this, the show has its own spirit that for better or worse, uh, will kind of steamroll all of your attempts to make it into something else.
Speaker: You know, this is maybe, is this episode more introspective than usual? are you guys normally this kind of reflective reflective on the, um, the, the art of podcasting? we had a We had a very meta discussion a few episodes ago and then ended up kind of discussing our feelings about that. ah Because I think, Derek, you felt that it was too inside baseball for us to talk about podcasting while podcasting.
Speaker: It just feels a little bit like a death spiral. It's like a cancer almost to me. like I guess I feel like a conversation that is interesting to listen to points to something. And if all we're doing is kind of in our own head, hashing out the podcast on the podcast, I start to sort of check out a little bit because to me, it's like no longer particularly interesting conversation.
Speaker: So what would you like to talk about? Maybe like culture? Yeah.
Speaker: If you guys had to be the ayahuasca minder for one of these three political figures. Well, okay. Obviously the answer is obviously the answer is Obama. The answer is Obama.
Speaker: Why is that? He would just be the best. I think he would obviously just be the best hang. Because he's the hardest to know. There's something that leaks through about Trump and Hillary Clinton when they've spoken publicly, where you feel like inadvertently they reveal their true selves to some degree. Whereas with Obama, it's like, who the hell is that guy? don't know. I'm less interested in his internality. I'm more interested in getting really real. I don't want to do ayahuasca with an emotional person.
Speaker: You don't want to do it with an emotional person, you said? No, I don't want to do it with somebody who's going to break down. I think Obama would keep it together. you probably would. Yeah, I see that.
Speaker: i think he would be more or less unaffected. He'd be pretty much the same. it be basically It would basically be a normal hang, which would be the most pleasant. It would basically be a normal Obama hang.
Speaker: Okay, well, who do you think would have the most interesting vomit of the three of them? uh uh hillary hillary yeah hillary would have the she would have the the best vomit the cleanest vomit the cleanest vomit yeah it's female vomit it's preferable female vomit is just preferred just period it's just preferred yeah do you remember that hillary clinton carries around a bottle of hot sauce Really? Famously, she carries around a bottle of hot sauce in her purse.
Speaker: I think it was just one of the things on the campaign trail people made fun of her for because she was like, oh this is an affectation. She's pretending to love spicy things. Millennial. Yeah. No, it's just mace, right?
Speaker: What is just mace? the All hot sauce is just mace? Hot sauce is just mace? Don't people use it as mace? How? I thought it's the same stuff that like, um yeah, isn't it? Isn't that the stuff? um The spicy stuff that starts with a Capsaicin?
Speaker: Yeah, capsaicin. Isn't that in mace? Sure. I'm pretty sure it's the same stuff. But Mace, you can like spray. But same with the hot sauce. You just have take the cap off and you sort of like ah wield it against your attacker.
Speaker: And it will like a big bunch of it will come out and possibly get in their eyes. Or if you put all the hot sauce in your mouth and you spew it at them. And then you kiss.
Speaker: That's good. oh you bugs money them? You trick them into kissing you? If someone's attacking you, you quickly drink a bunch of hot sauce and you say, I'm actually down to kiss. You put up, yeah, or well, I mean, yeah you know you put all the hot sauce up your you know in your or in your various sexual orifices and then when they... try to violate them um them, it's really painful for them. It's really painful because all your tight little holes are filled filled with hot sauce and your packer doesn't like that. you can You can try, but you're not going to like it.
Speaker: Guarantee you're not going to like it. Good luck. Yeah, sure. yeah yeah Oh yeah, I give you full consent to do whatever you want to me. yeah If you like it, you yeah do it however do me however long you want.
Speaker: Probably won't be long because you're going to be running out of it. Put some horses up there and then start saying yes. so say That's my advice. Hot sauce and yes. yes If you can, you're probably going be screaming no. we We both are, frankly. Yeah. Then, um you know, you do that and, um you know, it's probably the the attacker who's going to revoke consent.
Speaker: Mm hmm. You know, all of a sudden you violated consent. Now who's laughing? Neither are you. But, you know, you will someday. Wasn't that an actual product? i feel like I remember them coming up. Not hot sauce, but like it was like um like a diaphragm that like attacks. that like There's something.
Speaker: I don't know. what i have no idea what you're talking about. What am i talking about? A tiny bear trap? Wasn't that an actual product? a chas You might as well wear a chastity belt.
Speaker: I'm really curious you're thinking of. internal tampon-like devices meant to latch onto an attacker. whoa With jagged internal, internal jagged hooks or teeth that clamp onto the perpetrator's penis during forced penetration.
Speaker: i guess you just wear that every day. the idea is to wear it every day. But then I think, I don't remember if it happened or if people, or if people eventually realize like,
Speaker: That really exists? How about a device for walking from your car to your apartment at night and it's like ah ah a tent basic or a cage that like goes all the way around you and you kind of wheel it along and it's really heavy so people can't lift it up. you know How about that? that's what ah That's what a home is, April.
Speaker: You just described a home. A home is simply an elaborate chastity. No, but it's it's portable. My invention is portable. So you walk around in public outside with it that no one can so that no one can assault you. What about a portable, concealable device that if you point it at your attacker and press a button, their head comes off? comes off what about it what about a What about a portable device um that's like in the shape of a square and has a touchscreen and has games on it?
Speaker: And you can... and You can anywhere you are, you can play games on it and you can plug it into your a car and play music from it and you can put it plug it to speaker play music from it and you can take pictures.
Speaker: It's got a camera and maps and satellite capability so you can find out where you are change all the settings too if you want to and you can set a background to whatever you want it to be and you can call your mom and say hi mom.
Speaker: And how does this stop rape? You can... No, it makes rape worse somehow. We don't totally understand the relation. Somehow, it's you know people are getting raped in new new ways, actually. ah With the phone, people are getting tracked down. with the what? It's called a phone, by the way. ah people are People are getting groomed online with it. um That's something they're going to invent.
Speaker: People are getting groomed on the phone. People are getting lured places on the phone. um Yeah, and no, it does nothing to prevent rape. It made it a lot worse, but it is something I invented. So ah we'll have to contend with that and the unfortunate realities of. ah but Is there a way would this stop like Steve Jobs from passing away from preventable cancer at all or not so much? What do you mean?
Speaker: I don't know if we invented this idea, if it came out. Yeah, the phone. do you think? No, it actually gives people cancer. oh um If you like keep it on your person too long. On your person.
Speaker: Yeah. My person. Isn't that such a nice phrase? I know. Isn't it nice? It's so nice. Is that on your person? It's on my person. I'm like like i'm i'm my person. my own person. I'm my own person. I think it's a nice phrase. It's really nice.
