Transcript
Speaker: Hi guys, and thank you for being here.
Speaker: My name is Kylie Oblak, and yeah, I'm just really grateful to have you here for the next, you know, 30 so minutes and for us to just kind of just talk through things.
Speaker: And I just, yeah, I'm feeling a lot of emotions.
Speaker: I've had a very emotional past 36 hours, and I'll give some explanation in the coming minutes.
Speaker: But yeah, I'm just feeling really emotional and
Speaker: creative and anybody in the like content creation space knows that the best time to create content whether it be you know drafting posts or blogs or youtube editing or creating podcasts or anything of that sort is when you're feeling motivated inspired emotional and creative and well that's me right now it's 10 37 p.m on a thursday night which is late for me as you guys probably know if you follow me on instagram at kylie runs smiley but um
Speaker: Yeah, no, I've just been feeling so many emotions, again, specifically within the past 36 hours, and I just feel the need to spew, and I feel like this is the perfect platform for that.
Speaker: It feels somewhat like a journal, like a speaking journal, which I don't know if there's even such a thing as that, but I guess that
Speaker: is kind of what a podcast is but then also I just kind of feel grateful that I'm able to kind of share uh what I'm going through with you guys like when I get messages back from you all after listening to these episodes saying how you relate to what I have to say or how you find what I have to say to be very helpful or something that you're implementing into your life like that brings me so much joy and fulfillment so I just again I just think that uh this is the perfect time for me to record so that's what I'm doing and let's just get into this it's been a very emotional week for me
Speaker: So it's a Thursday.
Speaker: It's August 17th, 2023.
Speaker: Last Thursday, so a week ago, I went to see my orthopedist after being on crutches for eight weeks, non-weight-bearing for a shin injury that I've been dealing with for nine months.
Speaker: I don't really want to give the full story about how I got this injury and why I'm still injured after all this time.
Speaker: I'm surely going to have to create some form of content where I give the full into
Speaker: story.
Speaker: It's a doozy and not something really necessarily fun for me to talk about, but I just always know that if my story can help somebody out there not have to go through what I've been through, then it's all the reason for me to share
Speaker: kind of where I've been these past nine months.
Speaker: But back to what I was talking about, I was on crutches non-weight bearing for eight weeks.
Speaker: And in terms of cross training, I was literally just swimming, not even with my legs, just using a buoy.
Speaker: So all this is to say is that
Speaker: I was doing the most conservative thing I could in the hopes to heal my shin, but I found out a week ago that my shin did not heal a smidgen in that entire eight weeks of me being off of it.
Speaker: And you're probably thinking, along with a lot of response I've got from people on Instagram,
Speaker: Kylie, why isn't your shin healing?
Speaker: I don't understand.
Speaker: And at first I agree with you, like why it doesn't, it doesn't make sense.
Speaker: But when you get into the science of it and what the doctors have been telling me, it's that essentially when I sustained this injury in November of 2022, for the first seven months, I was perceiving improper diagnoses, diagnosis, diagnosis.
Speaker: I don't know what the wording is.
Speaker: You get what I'm trying to say.
Speaker: And I was walking on it.
Speaker: I was ellipticoling.
Speaker: I was limping.
Speaker: Like, I was in so much pain.
Speaker: And I now know it was because I literally might have fully fractured my tibia.
Speaker: But regardless of the fact, it's a grade 4 stress fracture and I should never have been walking on it.
Speaker: Nonetheless, you know, ellipticoling, walking like probably five miles a day on campus with a heavy backpack, like...
Speaker: I was just living my life without running for those seven months.
Speaker: And yeah, I was in pain, but you get used to the pain.
Speaker: And I have a very high pain tolerance to begin with, so I guess it makes sense.
Speaker: But because my body just got so used to me overriding the pain that I was feeling, the body just kind of stopped trying to heal itself.
Speaker: It kind of just went into the survival mode as to like, well, we're just going to have to learn to live with the fracture line.
Speaker: And because that was what my reality was for seven months, my body just, again, stopped trying to heal itself.
Speaker: So even though I went on crutches for eight weeks and I didn't put pressure on it, even though I have good bone health and I've fully recovered from relative energy deficiency syndrome, even though I was following all my doctors and coaches' instructions, my body didn't heal.
Speaker: And when I learned that, it was really hard for me in the sense that like,
Speaker: It kind of my immediate reaction is like, well, I just like basically wasted my summer because I was miserable being on crutches and I fully shifted what I was able to do with my time and it didn't even make a damn difference.
Speaker: And that's just like the really fucking hard reality to hear.
Speaker: here.
Speaker: And, you know, taking a step back, giving me that weak separation to really think like, of course, like it wasn't for nothing.
Speaker: Like I, and I'll get to this, but it was good that I gave it literally everything I had to try to heal.
Speaker: Like I could step away from it being like, I literally did everything in my power and nothing worked.
Speaker: But yeah, that was really hard to hear.
Speaker: It did kind of bring me some relief in the sense that I was like, okay, I'm not crazy that I'm still feeling pain when I'm sitting down.
Speaker: Like it's purely because it hasn't healed yet or like it hasn't healed at all, to be honest.
Speaker: So I guess it was just good to like,
Speaker: know like okay um i'm still hurting for a legitimate reason if that makes sense but yeah that was tough and if it wasn't for the fact that like my boyfriend was with me at the appointment and like with me through the night like i i don't know i just i was so sad
Speaker: I've had, and I guess we're going to be fully honest here on this podcast.
Speaker: I feel like I don't know what it is about this platform as opposed to like my Instagram or, you know, my YouTube or my blog, but I just feel like I'm so much more able to just be fully transparent about what I'm thinking about and what my life is like through this because one, like only less than a thousand people listen to each episode.
Speaker: So I feel like
Speaker: If you're listening to this, like you're very like dedicated to me and like I'm so grateful for that.
Speaker: And I think like I feel comfortable like saying what's really going on.
Speaker: I've had a really tough nine months.
Speaker: Like it's not performative on Instagram and I try to be really authentic on my Instagram and I pride myself on being authentic on my Instagram.
Speaker: But obviously like it is a highlight reel to some extent.
Speaker: You know, I'm not like posting pictures of me having like men TVs because everybody has men TVs from time to time, especially if you're walking on a fractured line for nine months like myself.
Speaker: But yeah, it's been a really hard nine months and we'll get into that throughout the episode.
Speaker: But yeah, this past week was definitely like kind of the very low points.
Speaker: Like I was sobbing so much, like just so many tears and I have great people in my life.
Speaker: I have great people on this platform to make me smile and send me love and inspirational messages and
Speaker: I don't know how to explain how cool that is.
Speaker: How cool is that when I'm having a really bad day, I'm not dealing with it by myself.
Speaker: I'm dealing with it with literally like what, like 6,400 people now.
Speaker: That's just incredible.
Speaker: But yeah, that was last Thursday.
Speaker: Let's just catch up to speed with to get to where I am in the last 36 hours.
Speaker: Yesterday morning, so August 16th, I met with a surgeon and I got really great news, relative that is, that I qualify to get a surgery that is going to fix my shin for real.
Speaker: They're going to put a rod on my shin bone.
Speaker: It's called an intramedullary nail surgery.
Speaker: And essentially what the surgery does is it prevents the bone from breaking while also healing the bone.
Speaker: So essentially i'm gonna have metal shit now and it's kind of cool I think but I wonder if that sets up tsa i'm gonna have to do some research into that anyways Found out that yesterday morning and then I had to you know work for nine hours And then I went to a concert last night with my friends and I was just kind of out of it Like I was happy to be there with my girlfriends.
Speaker: Um, but the whole time I was standing at the concert It just like I was just so out of my body like I was just like
Speaker: Maybe this happens to some people at concerts just normally like taking away emotions that they might be feeling from other reasons in their day.
Speaker: Like I feel like being at a concert can be an out-of-body experience.
Speaker: But like throw in like just like the emotions I was feeling from my morning.
Speaker: I was just like standing there but like not actually present.
Speaker: And then I got home at like 1.30 and then I had to wake up this morning at 6 a.m.
Speaker: for work.
Speaker: And then I had my last full day in the office at work.
Speaker: And it was just like so –
Speaker: sad leaving the Inside Tracker office because if you've listened to any of my podcasts, you'd know how much I love my job and how much I love my coworkers and just how much I love Boston and the office building and just everything that comes with it.
Speaker: And it was just really hard to leave even though like I'm continuing working part-time for them.
Speaker: Like it just felt like I'm already missing something that I still have, which is such a weird feeling to have.
Speaker: As I was in the pool today, I was just after work after my last day in the office and
Speaker: I was just thinking so much and just like, again, I've just been feeling so out of body the past nine months, but specifically these last 36 hours.
Speaker: And I just, I wish it was possible for me to record a podcast while I was awkward jogging because like, shit, that would be an incredible podcast.
Speaker: But yeah.
Speaker: It's three hours later.
Speaker: The whole train ride home from work.
Speaker: It was raining and it was dark out.
Speaker: I feel like such a main character.
Speaker: I was listening to Whirly by Dominic Fike on repeat.
Speaker: Olivia Jones was up.
Speaker: Just feeling so many emotions.
Speaker: got home and I just immediately went upstairs and grabbed a microphone and here I am right now.
Speaker: I don't really even have show notes or a rough plan for this episode.
Speaker: I just think I have a lot to say and I kind of just want this to be a conversation with you all and to kind of just give advice as I kind of explain my experiences and hopefully bring comfort to people who might be going through anything that I'm going through.
Speaker: while also I just kind of want to have some true full authentic honesty with you all because again you people mean a lot to me and I think it'd be really beneficial for all of us in kind of this virtual friendship that we have with each other so yeah I'm getting surgery a week from tomorrow so August 25th which is honestly really surprising that I'm able to get it done so quick I don't know how much you all know about surgery I hope not a lot I hope none of you've
Speaker: had surgery, but I'm guessing some of you probably have.
Speaker: Anyways, I've had surgery before.
Speaker: And when I had that procedure, I had to schedule mine like five weeks out.
Speaker: So I'm very grateful that I'm able to get it done so quickly.
Speaker: Obviously, one, to get me out of pain sooner, to jumpstart the recovery process sooner.
Speaker: And then also just purely from an academic standpoint, like I'm going to miss the first two days of class, but those are like syllabus classes.
Speaker: So I'm really not missing anything from an academic standpoint.
Speaker: And
Speaker: And the surgery is called intramedullary nail surgery.
Speaker: And what makes it so great is that although it's a pretty invasive procedure, I've kind of explained what happens with it already.
Speaker: You're walking as soon as you can tolerate the pain, which to me was reason enough that I wanted to have the surgery just so that I could walk around campus.
Speaker: But the recovery process is you're back to running in 10 to 12 weeks, which is incredible given everything that I've already been through to this point.
Speaker: And it does seem like I'm going to have to take like over a month off of cross training, which I'm already like fucking terrified about, but not even necessarily from like the thing that my old self would have been scared about.
Speaker: Like, oh, but my body is going to like get so fat or like, oh, I'm going to lose so much fitness.
Speaker: It's really just like I know how beneficial.
Speaker: movement is for my mental health and how much cross training or just running or just training is social for me because like my team is my friend group but I know that I'm going to make it through it and I'm probably going to have so much more time on my hands to like create content so get ready for some fire stuff but yeah
Speaker: Crazy enough, this isn't my first surgery.
Speaker: I've actually had a sesamoidectomy in 2020.
Speaker: And for those of you who don't know what that is, it's essentially removing your sesamoid bone from your body.
Speaker: So your sesamoid bone is a really small bone underneath your big toe.
Speaker: And essentially what happened for me was it's actually a really similar situation to my tibia, which keeps kind of keeping me up at night.
Speaker: But I basically sustained an injury to my sesamoid bone.
Speaker: And I was mistreated by doctors.
Speaker: I waited 15 months.
Speaker: I was walking on a fully like a shattered sesamoid bone.
Speaker: Imagine how it feels to walk on a tack and then having that be every single step you took.
Speaker: That's what my life was like for 15 months.
Speaker: And all throughout that time, I was begging my doctors for the surgery.
Speaker: Like every single appointment I went to, I was like in pain and like close to tears, wanting some doctor to listen to me and to get me the procedure that would ultimately get my health and happiness and life back.
Speaker: But it took 15 months.
Speaker: And anyways, when I went had that surgery, I was relieved to be getting it done.
Speaker: But also I was kind of in a different place just holistically.
Speaker: Like I was still kind of mentally like recovering from like years of dealing with a really bad eating disorder.
Speaker: And I was very insecure.
Speaker: And like it was my freshman year of college, also in the heart of
Speaker: pandemic and I was just in a very different spot compared to where I am today.
Speaker: I was taking like a lot of really just character development and like self-love and falling in love and glowing up and all that good stuff to get to where I am today.
Speaker: So I'd say some of the emotions still remain with me in the sense that I've been wanting to get this healed for quite some time now.
Speaker: I'm in a lot of pain just doing daily stuff and I'm just so desperate to feel really happy and healthy again.
Speaker: But my emotions are definitely a little bit different with this injury.
Speaker: And I think really the best way to kind of encapsulate how I'm feeling and to kind of just share that with you all is to read the journal entry I wrote last night.
Speaker: So it was written at 1.30 in the morning.
Speaker: So I apologize in advance if grammatically it does not sound great.
Speaker: Because also when I journal, which I've been doing a lot more recently, it's been really helpful for me.
Speaker: I recommend doing that.
Speaker: um I'm not really usually expecting that other people are going to read what I say so I don't really care about like writing well if that makes sense um but also again it was like I was drinking at a concert and then it was like 1 30 a.m and I was just so emotional I was like crying listening to call your mom by Noah Khan and anyways um
Speaker: Um, I mean, you guys take the hour out of your day to listen to me speak.
Speaker: So trust that, you know, hopefully you're not going to judge me too hard for my deep emotions, but let's just read this little journal entry so you guys can kind of empathize with what I'm, what I'm experiencing right now.
Speaker: It's happening.
Speaker: Today, I was approved to get the intramidulary nail tibia surgery.
Speaker: I feel so many emotions, but above all else, exhaustion and relief.
Speaker: I am so exhausted from these nine months of putting on a face, of trying to have hope, of beating myself up for being in pain, for being sad, anxious, and frustrated, of being in pain.
Speaker: I am exhausted.
Speaker: I haven't had enough sleep in nine months.
Speaker: I didn't even realize that this was the emotion I was feeling until just now, but gosh, does it feel good to realize and admit it to myself.
Speaker: I am exhausted, and I believe that getting the surgery is the only way to get my energy, running, body, health, lifestyle, confidence, and happiness back, to just get back to my most confident era.
Speaker: I feel like I've changed and matured a lot in these nine months, and I truly am in a spot where I deserve to be running.
Speaker: After all this time of destroying myself, I finally earned some healing.
Speaker: I've got a long road ahead of me, but for now, I'm going to sleep.
Speaker: Let's do this.
Speaker: I guess grammatically that wasn't that bad.
Speaker: Shout out, shout out 1.30 in the morning, Kylie.
Speaker: But yeah, I guess kind of in conjunction with that, I do want to read a text that my best friend, Betsy, I hope she probably won't mind that I just name dropped her like that, texted me because I feel like it does kind of really explain how I feel about this injury and how it feels different than my other injuries.
Speaker: She says, this injury feels different than the others.
Speaker: You felt it all.
Speaker: You've reflected.
Speaker: You've learned and you found comfort.
Speaker: And you know what?
Speaker: I fully agree with her.
Speaker: And that's really cool to say that I think I'm finally in a spot after being in a four-year injury cycle to like have the confidence to say that this will be my last injury.
Speaker: or less major injury that I have to deal with.
Speaker: And it's because of, well, a lot of reasons, but one is I finally just feel like I'm so secure in who I am and I just love myself and I'm so in tune with my body, even the one, the body I'm in right now with a fractured leg.
Speaker: that I, this is going to be in my past.
Speaker: This injury cycle that I'm in is going to be a dark moment from my past.
Speaker: And it's taken a whole lot of work, not even really athletic work.
Speaker: Like I'm not, I'm not really speaking about like, oh, working on your imbalances and your muscle weaknesses, all that stuff.
Speaker: No, it's been like really just for me a mental thing.
Speaker: And it's really special to be able to say that even though my body hasn't healed, like mentally I've healed so much that I have the foundation to prevent something like this from happening again.
Speaker: Now, as I've mentioned, these four years of being an injury cycle and specifically these past nine months have been really hard for me.
Speaker: Let's talk first talk about the fact that I've basically been dealing with some form of a bone injury for these four years, being that I've been in a lot of pain for these four years.
Speaker: And
Speaker: I think it's sometimes easy for athletes to forget that when you're dealing with an injury, like taking aside like the fact that you can't do your sport and that like you might be probably dealing with like the sadness that comes along with that, like you're actually in like physical pain.
Speaker: So that affects you.
Speaker: You know, it affects it affects me.
Speaker: At least I can say that like not being able to go downstairs to grab a glass of water without like having shooting pain.
Speaker: pain in my shin.
Speaker: That just affects people and definitely me subconsciously and consciously.
Speaker: It's just caring.
Speaker: For me, it's frustration and anger at myself, at the pain, at my body.
Speaker: It's just an icky kind of thing to carry within yourself.
Speaker: That is one thing that's been just really hard.
Speaker: Then too, let's just talk about these last
Speaker: nine months, I think for the first time in any of my really injury processes, like I've actually had some really low emotional moments or emotional periods.
Speaker: Like I'm not usually a crier.
Speaker: And I don't say that to be like crying is bad because it's not.
Speaker: It's actually fan-fucking-tastic.
Speaker: I just am usually one who like isn't very like emotional or like not outwardly emotional, but I've cried so much in these past nine months.
Speaker: And I've just, again, I've just felt really like kind of
Speaker: emotional kind of like how I feel right now.
Speaker: Usually I cry like maybe like once every two months and now it's like five times a week which to me is a lot and it'll be like random things like I was walking from the gym to my train tonight and it was like kind of raining and
Speaker: And it was like a beautiful kind of emotional feel.
Speaker: Like I was kind of like really nostalgic.
Speaker: I was playing good music in my earbuds and I was just kind of reflecting on the fact that like I'm getting surgery.
Speaker: My full-time job is ending.
Speaker: I'm going back to school.
Speaker: Summer's ending.
Speaker: I'm going into my senior year of college and like, what the fuck?
Speaker: And I just like was sobbing and like these sweet MIT girls like asked me if I was okay or if like something, somebody hit me or something.
Speaker: And I was like, no, I'm just like, I'm good.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: But yeah, I've just been a very emotional person.
Speaker: And I think what's been really honestly just good for me in getting to like a point where I feel like I'm finally like mentally so much stronger than I am with my other injuries is like really feeling those emotions and emotions.
Speaker: talking to people about it i'm a very like private person like which is kind of funny because you're like wait kylie what the fuck like you have a public life on instagram which is true i do share a good amount of my life online um but i think when it comes to like actual like in real life relationships like i just typically am very private like it takes a lot to crack me and people who are listening to this who know me would attest to that and i don't
Speaker: necessarily even like think that's a bad thing like I do I'm a very reflective person I journal a ton I do so much thinking in my own head but I do think like having found the the courage to kind of vocalize like how I'm really feeling to people in my life it has been really good for me and so I guess like shout out my boyfriend Luke and then Lane and Sarah because those are my like go-tos and honestly my physical therapist Lauren Conway you you rock too but
Speaker: Just like finding people who I can be like, no, like I'm really fucking sad or like, no, like I'm like having a men TV and like just having their support has been so great.
Speaker: And something that I hope to like continue working on in my relationships with my friends is just learning to feel comfortable speaking up when I need to.
Speaker: if that makes sense.
Speaker: But beyond all these low moments that I've felt in the past bit, I do want to say, and as ironic maybe or as kind of shocking as this may sound to some, like there's been so much good that has come from getting injured.
Speaker: And I do want to share some of these things with you all because
Speaker: Although they are kind of my experiences, I know for a fact that some of you listening to this will relate to this or have something to add to this conversation.
Speaker: And if you do have something to add to this conversation, again, please reach me.
Speaker: Please message me.
Speaker: Like hearing about your stories and hearing your opinions and your perspective always is so beneficial for me.
Speaker: And I would really appreciate that.
Speaker: But again, I do get messages from you all asking for stuff like this.
Speaker: And I know that people are in my shoes right now.
Speaker: So hopefully me kind of giving all that background I just shared and kind of giving a true raw emotional spill brings you that knowledge that you're not alone if you're feeling those same feelings.
Speaker: In full transparency, I don't know where I would be with my relationship with food and my body had it not been for the fact that I got injured.
Speaker: And I'm really speaking about four years ago, but honestly, just even every injury that I've sustained has really forced me to kind of reevaluate like, okay, how am I actually doing?
Speaker: How am I actually doing with feeling myself?
Speaker: How am I actually doing with overexercising or underexercising?
Speaker: Like it really forces me to be really like honest with myself and
Speaker: And it's not really a fun thing to do to kind of be like, how am I actually doing?
Speaker: But I think it is really important.
Speaker: And I don't think I would have really had the motivation to make much change.
Speaker: You know, those four years ago when I first got injured, had it not been for a bone injury.
Speaker: And that's fucking scary to admit to myself.
Speaker: So here we are.
Speaker: But I do just want to share that getting injured has been a beautiful thing for me because it was ultimately what motivated me to recover from relative energy deficiency syndrome.
Speaker: And although that was my motivating factor, like essentially eat more, gain weight, get my period back so therefore I can heal and be able to run.
Speaker: In my journey to recover from relative energy deficiency syndrome and get back to running, actually, like I ultimately got my life back.
Speaker: I got my happiness back.
Speaker: I got my confidence back.
Speaker: I got my
Speaker: actually, not even just back, I just became an even happier person, even more confident person, a person with a zest for life, somebody who appreciates the little things.
Speaker: Again, my camera roll is probably full of the most obscure things to some people.
Speaker: Like, Kylie, why the fuck did you stop 27 times on your walk to the T today?
Speaker: I'm like,
Speaker: me taking pictures on every corner like but I'm gonna want to remember this view when I'm at school I'm gonna want to remember this something like I just like I it's just so genuine like I just like appreciate such the little things in life and I guess that's another blessing to injury is like I never in my life did I think I would like cry tears of happiness because I was able to walk to my bathroom to brush my teeth
Speaker: like literally me last night like don't full transparency but you know like I saw this quote on Pinterest and it was something along the lines of like let me let me read it to not dance when you have the health and could hear the music could be the biggest regret of your life and holy fuck does that hit me so hard and holy fuck do I relate to that
Speaker: You know, like I'm at a point right now with my shin injury and I keep saying this to people who I know in my life is that like, of course, I want the surgery so that I can run.
Speaker: Of course, I want that.
Speaker: I'm a runner and I always want to be a runner, which is why I want to get the surgery in the first place.
Speaker: But more so than that, like I just want I'm a person who loves just spontaneous actions and being adventurous and having an active lifestyle and, you know, just something so like running from bar to bar when I'm 24, like living in a city with my friends or like running to catch the tea when I'm late for work, all that stuff.
Speaker: Like I want that.
Speaker: I want that.
Speaker: And the ability to just dance and just release energy.
Speaker: I miss that so much.
Speaker: And I haven't had that really for a consistent amount of time in my four years in college, which is sad and crazy to admit.
Speaker: I've had very few college parties where I wasn't on a broken bone or just hobbling around on crutches.
Speaker: And yeah, I just...
Speaker: I know that as soon as I get that, I will never take it for granted.
Speaker: I never will.
Speaker: And I know that I won't because in the few months where I haven't actually been injured in college, I've just been so euphoric for such little things.
Speaker: Ask my teammates.
Speaker: Every single run we go on, whether it's beautiful and it's fall foliage or it's raining and miserable, I'm like, what?
Speaker: wow, it looks like a postcard or wow, I wish I had a GoPro for this right now.
Speaker: Like we're in like a mile split movie and that's purely like I just have such an appreciation for life.
Speaker: Even on the hardest of days, I have such an appreciation for the littlest things.
Speaker: And I don't think I would necessarily have that perspective had it not been for everything that I've had to go through with the pain, with the injuries.
Speaker: And something else that I've been really thinking about these days, especially after recording my last podcast on feeling social anxiety when you're injured, is that being injured has made me so insecure.
Speaker: Like, it literally exposed all of my insecurities.
Speaker: Let's be real.
Speaker: To name a few, being injured in itself.
Speaker: Like, quote unquote, like, I failed.
Speaker: My body failed.
Speaker: I'm not able to do a sport.
Speaker: I'm not a successful athlete.
Speaker: My body changes because I'm not doing exercise that I normally do.
Speaker: I'm not able to do simple things.
Speaker: People are looking at me.
Speaker: I hate the attention, all the stuff.
Speaker: Like, these are all my insecurities, and they're all on display when I'm injured.
Speaker: And I think, like, it basically, like, broke down the mask that I had all through high school where, like, everyone's like,
Speaker: Everything's great.
Speaker: I'm an all A student honors, 13 letter varsity athlete, goody two shoes, like teacher's pet, sweet girl.
Speaker: Like that was the facade that the my high school saw.
Speaker: But deep down, I was literally struggling so bad to a place where like I came close to death.
Speaker: Let's just be real.
Speaker: That's that's what it was.
Speaker: So, unfortunately, probably because of that facade and all this shit that I went through in high school put me into a position where now my insecurities are on display on a daily basis.
Speaker: But I say that they're insecurities, but in reality, like, because they've had to be on display, I actually have through character development, through self-love, through lots of work, I've actually just, like, come to be secure with having my insecurities on display, if that makes sense.
Speaker: So, therefore, like,
Speaker: I guess I'm trying to say is all these things that used to like really be super hard for me, I've actually come to terms with and have actually kind of like owned and accepted and stopped feeling embarrassed about and stopped feeling ashamed about.
Speaker: Here I am like spilling my guts on a podcast that anybody could listen to.
Speaker: And I have a whole platform where I talk about these insecurities on like a daily basis.
Speaker: So I think, yeah, I think being injured has caused me to really like work on these insecurities and instead of like hiding them, like owning them.
Speaker: And I recently learned that this whole concept of kind of like really like working to challenge like your inner demons is called shadow work.
Speaker: And I'd recommend looking into it.
Speaker: All of you, I think you should look into it.
Speaker: basically the act of kind of sitting with yourself and thinking like what are the like conscious and conscious things that like I have insecurities about or that are like detrimental for me and my ability to love myself or to be where I want in life and like really just like
Speaker: attacking them head-on instead of just like ignoring them because it's not comfortable to think about so yeah for me something that i've had to do a lot of shadow work with is really just like admitting like no like i'm not okay getting that second opinion when i was having a shin and i was having shin bruising even though my first doctor was telling me i should be running like admitting to myself like as hard as it is to admit this like i'm not okay and i shouldn't be running and that's really hard because it was already seven months of that time
Speaker: By saying like, no, like I know that this isn't right and I'm going to stop myself from doing something that I love so that I can hopefully get to a point where I can do what I love without being in pain, if that makes sense, which sounds so weird to some people.
Speaker: But like for me, that was really big character development, like advocating and all that shit.
Speaker: But yeah, just –
Speaker: In general, like admitting like when I'm going through a hard time, like, no, like it's not all rainbows and sunshine in Kylie land.
Speaker: It's not.
Speaker: And having the courage to vocalize that to people, having the courage to talk about it here.
Speaker: So I think that some shadow work is just like, yeah, that.
Speaker: So I hope that maybe you guys find inspiration.
Speaker: Do that with yourself because it is actually really therapeutic.
Speaker: I do believe that.
Speaker: And truthfully, the biggest blessing for me in going through this injury process is just the connections that it's helped me form with people through this platform.
Speaker: And I'm not saying that just for show.
Speaker: It's fully, fully true.
Speaker: I can't tell you how many times...
Speaker: I receive a message from a girl or a guy, honestly, just like saying like how my story and my courage to share it, my platforms have impacted their lives.
Speaker: And even if it's something simple, like it helped me feel hope when I got diagnosed with shin splints, I
Speaker: versus I've literally, even within the last month, I think I've had the most ever people saying to me, I'm just going to say it, saying I was very suicidal.
Speaker: And having your post to look forward to on a daily basis, knowing that you were also going through hard times, but still finding ways to find joy in life, that kept me going.
Speaker: And when I received something like that,
Speaker: It's something that doesn't just like, I don't just read the message and then like go on with my day.
Speaker: Like I read the message and I sit with it and I like cry.
Speaker: And I just like, I really just like feel just so hardly for that person and just so much love for that person and so much love.
Speaker: pride in myself and so much courage to keep doing what I do and to keep sharing the good and the bad because if it can help one person then I've done a good job with my day and now like I can see on a daily basis people are there for me
Speaker: People know when I'm not doing 100%.
Speaker: People literally message me.
Speaker: When I post something with maybe a sadder song, I have people messaging me like, are you okay?
Speaker: I love you.
Speaker: They're sending me inspirational quotes, which is so cool.
Speaker: And then obviously like when I post something like, oh, I'm getting surgery or like, oh, things aren't going great.
Speaker: Like I literally will get 200 comments, 300 text messages, five phone calls.
Speaker: I just have so many people who are like right there for me, sending me love and keeping me going and giving me reason to keep going.
Speaker: you know, wanting to get out of bed in the morning and to have something fun to look forward to and interacting with you all.
Speaker: So having this platform has basically just filled a void in my life in the sense that like I just have friends at all times there for me.
Speaker: And I'm just very appreciative for all of that.
Speaker: I really like don't know how else to explain it besides just saying that hearing that my platform impacts your life makes me feel so happy and so lucky.
Speaker: But I hope you know that you being here, listening to this episode, sending me messages, commenting on posts, liking posts, like that has impacted my life in so many ways.
Speaker: And I'm just going to have to one day make a full podcast episode about how much this account has impacted my life for the better.
Speaker: But yeah.
Speaker: that the platform community, the shared emotions and going through hard times with you all, the shared emotions and going through good times with you all, like it's just such a thing that I'm so grateful to have.
Speaker: I don't know if I would have been able to have that same reach had it not been for the struggles that I've gone through.
Speaker: So on that note, I just want to thank you guys for being here.
Speaker: As I've mentioned so many times before, you people mean so much to me and I've got a long road ahead of me.
Speaker: Getting surgery is no joke and i'm terrified.
Speaker: I am terrified I'm grateful as i've said but i'm sad to be in this position and i'm scared for the pain like the physical pain But the emotional pain, but I have hope I have hope for the first time in nine months This is actually going to get me back to my life and I also have courage and bravery because one I know I can do this.
Speaker: I've done it before and
Speaker: and I'm stronger than I was then.
Speaker: And two, I have you all here with me on the daily.
Speaker: And how fucking cool is that?
Speaker: I'm sorry I keep swearing, but I'm just an emotional mess right now.
Speaker: And I just felt the need.
Speaker: But yeah, I've got a road ahead of me, but I'm not alone.
Speaker: And I want to thank you for that, for making me feel the love.
Speaker: And I just look forward to getting to share my journey with you all.
Speaker: And thank you for
Speaker: listening to me kind of just spill today.
Speaker: I guess that's what this episode really was.
Speaker: It was just Kylie sharing her emotions.
Speaker: And I hope that if you relate to any of this or if you want to say something to me, just reach out at Kylie Run Smiley on Instagram or at Staying Smiley PC for the podcast Instagram.
Speaker: But yeah.
Speaker: You people mean the world to me.
Speaker: I hope that I didn't take up too much time every day.
Speaker: And I hope that you get to go do something really nice with your time.
Speaker: Remember that you rock and to do something nice for yourself and for someone you love today.
Speaker: And yeah, bye guys.
Speaker: I love you all.
