Transcript
Speaker: Okay. So you guys don't know what this episode is going to be about. No, but that's a enigma wrapped in a mystery. ah rep or No, just it's not. It's just one.
Speaker: It's not wrapped anything. It's just just an enigma. That's just a mystery. Okay. I have a question. What's this episode about? What's it about? Yeah.
Speaker: Okay. Correct. On this episode, we are going to be looking at ah writing prompts from the writing prompts subreddit. Awesome. So, you know, I'd love if you guys got in a creative mood and, you know, get those juices flowing. And we'll just read some of these and maybe we'll even fill them in with something that's kind of like funny and entertaining.
Speaker: Oh, it's almost like a Mad Lib, but more ah brainy, little bit more brainy and creative. Yeah, it's way better than a Mad Lib. Way better. We're doing this because it's NaNoWriMo right now. The fuck is that?
Speaker: NaNoWriMo is a month that happens several times a year, I think, where people try to write a novel in a month and they follow writing prompts on Reddit, I think, usually. is like that That's cool. NaNoWriMo.
Speaker: NaNoWriMo. Suicide Postponement Month. That's why anyone writes an L, right? Postponing the inevitable. Right. All right.
Speaker: Well, I'm ready to go with writing prompts. I woke up in a really creative mood today. um I actually saw i actually saw images in my sleep last night. Really? Yeah.
Speaker: None them stuck with me in my memory, but I know that I was subjected to many images, feelings, and um and and things like that from another world, I want to say.
Speaker: Do you remember your dreams last night, Derek? Yeah. well let me Well, let me even tell you. I had a dream that I was watching a a YouTube, ah you know, like an animated music video where they take clips of different cartoons and they sync it up to like Linkin Park or something.
Speaker: Yes. For some reason, I was watching one of those and it was about ah Superman was coming home from a long time away and he was coming home to Metropolis and Batman was there to greet him. He went from Gotham to Metropolis, especially to say hi to his friend Superman.
Speaker: And ah Batman walked up to Superman, gave him a hug. And then Superman's head fell off. And Batman was like, whoa. And then Batman was really sad. You had this dream last night?
Speaker: yeah had the same dream. That's the sort of dream you have years ago. agree. That's not something you have last night. That dream is irrelevant. That's why I remembered it, because it was like, whoa, what a throwback dream. I feel like you switched dreams with a four-year-old from Scottsdale, Arizona or something, and he probably had like a really intense dream about taxes. He probably had an adult dream. Sometimes that'll happen. Yeah.
Speaker: You know, when you have that adult dream where you wake up and it's tax day, but you didn't study and everyone is in the passing you in the hallways while you get your documents out of your locker and they say, you missed it, man. Taxes.
Speaker: The taxman already came. It's scary. knock No. I have to redo the whole year. i have to redo my whole year. That's, um, well, that's an idea.
Speaker: Adult anxiety. I have to repeat my year because I've missed taxes. It's a funny idea because adults don't have anxiety. That's right. Well, it's cool that we torture children so that we can be free of anxiety. Yeah, I usually do.
Speaker: helps. It helps me forget my burdens, harming the children. What's the first? ah Well, Matthew, I just want to ask to be polite. Did you have any dreams last night? To be polite. think you're not really. No, politely declined to answer so we can move on or impolitely. Tell me about your dream.
Speaker: I'll tell you what didn't happen or I'll tell you what did. I'll tell you what did. i fell out of bed this morning. Actually, something I've never I've never done in my life. Something I was afraid of doing as a kid.
Speaker: I thought that that was likely to happen and then I i quickly learned ah from years of just being alive. So I guess not that quickly, but I learned that it just doesn't happen. The body knows the shape of the bed and doesn't fall off. But i my alarm went off and i dropped. I just rolled and and just dropped over. I spilled my my nightly water all over myself.
Speaker: It was truly like a ah comic accident, which is why I'm mentioning it on this comedy podcast. I fell. You fell down. You took a spill. Hurt my butt.
Speaker: You fell in your bum? i fell in my bum and my back and I hurt my I hurt my back and my ass. yeah Were you having a dream about kind of throwing yourself out of something?
Speaker: I don't know. i i mean, I was reacting to an alarm clock. I had I had dreams going on, surely, but they they scattered like like They scattered like roaches when the lights come on ah as a result of your alarm clock blaring.
Speaker: Much as the real roaches in my apartment likely did. They hate your alarm because it means you're getting up. They prefer me asleep. They're like sleepiness. I don't think they hate it I mean, it's probably for them. It's just like the alarm that goes off at the quarry at the end of the day.
Speaker: all right. Time to pack it in. They're at work when they're in my apartment. Yeah. Roaches don't live in communities, although they should. but They're atomized. Yeah. It would be cool if roaches had like a sort of termite colony society and they had one loud roach.
Speaker: They have a social order of some sort, don't they? They have antennae. Right. Is that is that social? It's polite. It's polite to have antennae. Anyway, that's ah that's a signal to the other roaches.
Speaker: all right well i'm ready to be prompted and ready to uh respond with something that generates ideas for you guys too yeah i'm ready to be generative um it's a bit of a change of a pace for me here's the first writing prompt i'll read it your father's old horse did everything from pulling cart to plowing a field Thinking back to your father's stories in the cavalry riding the same horse, a sudden thought appeared in your head.
Speaker: Horses don't live that long. Hmm. Oh, I see. So this is like kind of... um you're discovering that your father was either dishonest about the, the amount of horses that he has had, since it doesn't make sense for a horse to have lived as long as he said, or there's something so actually remarkable about this horse.
Speaker: Those are the two already prompts have two options for how you can spin it. Two and only two. There's nothing here that says the father is that much older than the son.
Speaker: that's true too It also could be a strange ah kind of arrangement where the father is about a year or two older and this child is realizing that horses only live one month. Right.
Speaker: I guess the the child could also just be wrong about that. Horses might live a really long time. I actually don't know how long horses live. so Let's think. sure there's a way to... believe it's like 30 or 40 years. Yeah, we can also reason our way through anything. Chamber of Reason.
Speaker: Does a horse live 20 years? No, it lives longer because it it gets daily exercise and it's teeth its teeth likely don't encounter that much bacteria as a result of its diet.
Speaker: It's too big to die that fast. Wild horses are often getting mauled by jaguars and things like that. But domestic horses can live for a long time because they have people grooming their hooves and giving them vitamins. Oats.
Speaker: There's doctors for horses. Yes. There wouldn't be if horses simply passed away after a month. It wouldn't be worth it to go to four years of medical school just to learn how to treat a horse if it passed away. we would have implemented them as transportation livestock if they live for about a month.
Speaker: I think most of the time the horse doctor just has a shotgun and shoots the horse, though. Oh, yeah. Isn't that what do you do with a sick horse? It does no harm.
Speaker: a sick ah A sick horse is just a horse that suddenly has a month to live. It's really not even worth it to call it sick. It's just like, all right, this has become a temporary horse instead of a fixture in our infrastructure.
Speaker: And the doctor, yes, it's just something that ah ends the horse's life. i mean, healing a horse killing a horse, there must be a reason that it's not rewarding and that a shotgun is the best way to alleviate the problem of a broken horse. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Speaker: When all you have is a horse, everything looks like a carrot on a stick. I mean, the fact that veterinarians, that animal doctors of all kinds, you're right. The fact that they only commit executions, I feel like tells us a little something about the kayfabe of human doctors.
Speaker: but All the sort of like magical performances they do to so-called heal us are a joke and that underneath they're the same as vets that really all they can and want to do is cut off our heads like the Superman and your dream, Derek.
Speaker: his head fell off because batman hugged him or something well batman is immortal batman is a human doctor who uses technology and science to get the job done but in the end even with all human ingenuity behind him all he can really do is hurt I think it was sort of like ah Superman's all of his strength was used just to get back home to Earth.
Speaker: but But at that point, he had basically already died. um And that's why Batman was sad to see Superman's head fall off. That's why he was sad because of how easily it came off.
Speaker: Well, it's like when you find your dog lying in its favorite spot or something, and but the dog has passed. oh he's just sleeping most people associate batman with headedness and not headlessness that's what made it so ironic what most people associate batman with headedness not headlessness he but super superman's head superman that's what's so surprising pierce even pierce is like no way it had to be batman's head because he's just a normal human
Speaker: Well, speaking of doctors, i I think we would all agree that doctors are more similar to Batman than they are to Superman because they use gadgets and they have lots of cash.
Speaker: They live a double life. But it's interesting to imagine what a doctor's kryptonite is because it's not death and disease. That actually makes them stronger. So you're saying it would be interesting to imagine what Batman's kryptonite is? Because you just said doctors are more like Batman than... Well, it would be interesting to imagine doctors script and or a Batman's kryptonite, which I think is just the Joker or Green Gas.
Speaker: A guy trying to make you laugh is annoying. Yeah, that's annoying. When you're trying to work. But a doctor's kryptonite is health, right? They are rendered useless by health. We don't need you anymore, Batman.
Speaker: Everything's nice here. ah think a doctor can still operate on a perfectly healthy guy. and They often do. But I guess that's what they're responding to. the how How horrified they are by health. Yeah, they've invented the blood pressure cuff ah just to just to basically pass the time with a healthy patient, right?
Speaker: Basically. Blood pressure isn't real. Or having high blood pressure is, ah it's not bad. Yeah, it's just pressure. It's not, it's, you're not being harmed.
Speaker: You simply have, you simply have pressure that is is associated with having a horrible thing happen to you. Right. But to say that you're sick with high blood pressure actually is, does seem like you're just kind of attacking a healthy person.
Speaker: you're Oh, you're sick. you have You have high blood pressure. Yeah, that's a marker. You're sick with a propensity for disaster. You are you are ah riddled with signifiers.
Speaker: Can't these here we just live in a world where there is no so where my body is separate from the signifier chain and that each of its attributes are blips and and not and not ah part of a system?
Speaker: Yeah, that's a good writing prompt, Pierce. Can't we just live in a world where your body is separate from all the signifiers? Can't we just live in a world with no meaning? Well, please.
Speaker: Even Batman Superman can't do that. Their worlds are rife with meaning. Kryptonite, Harley Quinn, the Joker. The big three. These things mean something.
Speaker: The big three. Kryptonite is just meaning. Meaning incarnate as sort of a green slime. No, it's ah it's a rock. It's a glowing green rock. And it renders Superman powerless. fair. It renders him useless.
Speaker: It renders him a man. There's so many issues with superheroes and supervillains. just Just not even based on good and evil, but just based on meaning and ah incoherence.
Speaker: Yeah, Superman is OP, I believe. I call, I say. Luckily, he can be nerfed by Kryptonite. Which by rock or by the removal of that ah kind of trademark necklace he wears around his neck. When you remove it, the head, you realize that it was keeping the head on the whole time. Superman has that lovely lace choker on.
Speaker: And all of his sexual partners want to remove it because he'll take off his PJs and be fully nude with with the exception of that lace choker.
Speaker: It's keeping his head on. It's his weakness. Come on, Superman. It looks nice. You think it's just a fashion statement? Not exactly. The same is true of his dog, Crypto.
Speaker: That collar. That lace choker on Crypto. Keeping his head on. Is that where their powers come from? Having a detachable head? Their powers come from having a head.
Speaker: All the powers come from the head. The head controls the body. Superman's weakness isn't kryptonite. It's his head. That's true of Superman. That's true Superman and it's true of dogs.
Speaker: Their power comes from their head. dog's kryptonite is a guillotine.
Speaker: That's the central control area. The brainstem and nervous system and spinal column. It's all connected. One large network of dog power. Everything would go dark if we removed the head. That's all we need to focus on. The army.
Speaker: The army strategizing about how to defeat a schnauzer. Aim for the head, boys. I do think horses, for some reason, they make children realize things about death.
Speaker: I think you're right. i i feel like I've had that thought about horses as a child. I think because they just seem, i mean, like dogs. They seem so strong. Human companions, and they seem so strong, but they're a little more exotic to us city folk.
Speaker: So you see one in person, and you're kind of stunned by its corporate reality. Yeah, it's so real. It's so real, and you're like, oh, this thing that I thought of as like, kind of as like a unical like a mythical, magical beast that ah that is like part human,
Speaker: is going to pass away quick. It's covered in flies already. we've We've all, growing up, we've all seen dozens of rotting horse corpses. Horse corpses, yeah. Nice. And we all know about the ah glue factory, right? That's sort of horse hell.
Speaker: Children love glue, too. And it's so interesting to see the source of glue, the source of that. Playing with the fingers, peeling it off. Yeah. But there is like I'm going to be peeling this horse off my fingers as sort of a sort of absent minded pleasure. I'm going to be um unconscionably eating this paste later.
Speaker: um You know, ah I think you're right. A horse is such a combination of different sort of willowy signifiers like an eyelash, ah a knowing eyelash with a dark black jelly like eyeball.
Speaker: That blinks. Something about that is so ethereal. Big cock. Smell. a stink of the farm. Flies. And also human teeth. Yes. And lips that curl and flex with so much musculature that you wonder, can this horse say words that a human being can't even conceive of? And as slightly human voice, too. can you guys think of any words humans can't conceive of? I have one.
Speaker: Blap. blep that's good mlem mlem caturday green you can't fully conceive of it that's like an iguana word all right i'll read this next prompt humans are beneath vampires you're just livestock to us I don't think you know what livestock is. Do you feed us?
Speaker: Care for us? Protect us from predators? No. You just slink around dark alleys and ambush people. That's not what a higher being does. That's a bottom feeder.
Speaker: a parasite vampires sneak around dark alleys and ambush i think what this prompt is trying to do is this is a conversation where a vampire is trying to gaslight a human into saying you know you're you're worse than us and the human is like actually you're being really abusive we're not livestock you're actually just an awful manipulator you're gross and shitty Do you guys think it would be cool if tapeworms were secretly behind the wheel of human society and were simply making human beings the dominant ah the dominant Neolithic food chain disruptor just so that they could eat our ah feces and and undigested gloop?
Speaker: Yeah, how are they doing that? They're just really smart or by encouraging skinniness to be in? Oh, yeah. And that's why ah all the teen girls at my school are always buying tapeworms online to eat them.
Speaker: Do you know anyone who did that? Yeah, a lot of my classmates are getting into that for prom. Same. so They can fit in a limo. So they can fit. It's so that supposed so they they can be a lot of them in the limo.
Speaker: Limos are expensive. They're pricey. Yeah, you got to get the best bang for your buck by fitting in 100 kids like sardines. The tapeworms are motivated to make humans more like sardines.
Speaker: The sardines are not in control, but the tapeworms simply like that approach to life, a sardine way. Tapeworms prefer sardines because they're closer to them evolutionarily.
Speaker: Tapeworms prefer sardines. you can You know, if there's not an expression for when a single person is packed tightly into a confined space. There's only an expression to say that many people are tightly packed. You say we're packed in here like sardines. But if you're in like a tiny box, you you can't say I'm packed in here like a sardine. You can say I'm packed in here like a tapeworm.
Speaker: I'm packed in here like a tapeworm that's cleverly taking up all the space in a small bowel. That's clever of tapeworms, don't you guys think, to take up space? Take up space? They take up space in a place that's pretty, like, full.
Speaker: Are there gaps in the body? Yeah. It's pretty tightly packed in. no I mean, what what if what what about when you turn on your side? isn't Your shit just sloshes around. Yeah, there's definitely empty space. You can feel that, right? You can feel your gallbladder and your everything kind of like moving.
Speaker: I guess so. Bouncing when you run. But my only experience seeing inside of a body is from watching ah Frog Unlocked. And inside that, that's literally the only time I've ever seen body slice of it. It seemed tightly packed.
Speaker: Is that wrong? Is it wrong to bring up that? No, it's not wrong. That's good. I think that everyone should watch it. Right? There is there is like supposed to be space. Everyone should watch it.
Speaker: I mean, are there things... I feel like most technologies... have empty space, but the empty space is not utilized. It's like heat dissipates in empty space, but it would be cool if like a car was constructed the same way that a like and a body cavity is constructed and the engine and the coolant and what have you is sort of has room and a membrane to rock around to moves to jostle like that's somehow healthier for the car.
Speaker: But I think like in the case of the frog and other amphibians, maybe reptiles too, there's something called the peritoneum, which is just like a thin membrane that, or no, the peritoneum is maybe the organ that makes the thin membrane. I can't remember, but bodies are supposed to have this loose, empty space so that the organs can jostle, like Derek was saying. When you move, the jostling is is part of it. You have like suspension.
Speaker: It's good for the organs to be bounced around. Speaking of a parasite, drinking blood, you guys think that's the lowest form of parasitism or the highest? Because it's so abundant, so loose, it requires so little craftiness on the part of the parasite to suck blood.
Speaker: Whereas the tapeworm or the other parasites that eat our digestive material, they have to like heist. They have to figure out a heist to get in there. i think I think it's worse. You think it's lower? Blood is lower? Well, I mean, wow, I really i really like what Matthew was saying. I mean, that's that's poetic. or essence it' our essence well it's like it's It's our It's our concentrate.
Speaker: It's like human espresso. if all If all the rest of the human were sort of... um If you extracted like the best parts, you just get blood and it's hot as fuck. Here's a good writing prompt. You're a vampire barista and you make a human latte with hot blood and some and jizz. Foamed milk. No.
Speaker: Why'd you make it gross? That's not sexual. To me, a human latte is hot blood and hot jizz. If it's all human, but a normal lot, you don't you don't say cow latte because you use cow milk.
Speaker: OK, so human milk. Okay. Do vampires like to suck human milk? It's hard as hell to do because the nipple comes off. No.
Speaker: Oh, great. I've completely ruined this source of milk. You guys know that vampires only like blood, right? They only like blood. eat milk They're lactose intolerant. They get sick to their tummies.
Speaker: Yeah, they're everything intolerant. They can't have anything except blood. Everything is garlic to them. It's like garlic. okay ignore Garlic is just one thing you can carry to bother a vampire. You could also carry anything else.
Speaker: People, it's like back ah when we were trying to figure out what which foods were poisonous and it was just like maybe some guy had an allergy to that food. We have no idea that it's not actually poisonous. So, yeah, we just think that garlics are dangerous to vampires, not realizing that anything that's not but their word for what they don't like garlic.
Speaker: Oh, we brought garlic. OK, you brought. OK, that thing that people are always waving at me I'm actually used to it now. Peanut butter is dangerous. A nerd's rope is dangerous.
Speaker: There's clusters even. A lot of crap. Smarties. Cookies. Tastes a bit like licorice. Souffle. It's a van there. It all tastes like garlic.
Speaker: what are Are there any blood disorders or blood diseases other than leukemia and like having like is there any way to have a specific quality about your blood and still be alive? Yeah, the blue bloods.
Speaker: Oh yeah. Yeah. Royal bloods. are Royal. They have purple blood, right? broil Yeah, blue blood or purple. Sickle cell anemia. Wait, is that something in blood? No.
Speaker: Yeah, i think so. think it's got to be right. It's when your blood cells are shaped like so What's the thing where your blood doesn't ah coagulate? Oh, yeah. Having low platelets or something. That always seems if anyone is listening and has that.
Speaker: You mean a hemophilic? Yeah. That's horrifying. You can't get sliced. It's one of those things you already don't want to get sliced as a regular healthy guy. But with that, you really don't want to get sliced.
Speaker: And that is a horror. I think vampires probably seek those guys out because you can just drink and drink and drink and it never turns to. You think that's one of their like annoying pet peeves when they're having a nice drink and the blood scabs up?
Speaker: Fuck, I've got to redo this. It must be. You don't think they enjoy those scabs as kind of little delicacies? They'd be served in the vampire cafe? Well, it's probably a personal preference. Big scab.
Speaker: Frosting. i was looking up if chimps can donate blood to humans. They can't. They can't do it safely because it can lead to fatal diseases like simian foamy virus.
Speaker: Well, like I think they legally can't, right? Just because chimps have been found to engage in homosexual behavior in the wild. And that's still illegal, right? To donate blood. Yes, we still we still have not graduated. But only in the wild they've been found to. Is that what you're saying? In captivity, they have no homosexual tendencies.
Speaker: They just like to they just like the porn brain. yeah Being porn brain means you have heterosexual sex. You're hetero. Porn brain.
Speaker: um so Yeah, gay porn is the most subversive thing ever. Anytime a woman comes on to me, i think she's a ah you've been on Firefox a little too much, huh? Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, what did you learn? Those OnlyFans? Where'd you learn this Netscape? you Must have been on Chrome recently. Well, you're to ask Jeeves about what to do next. You want to kiss my neck? About what to do next?
Speaker: Yeah, you're probably going to kiss my neck. Do you guys think that... ah Just reading this prompt again, comparing human or vampires' relationship to humans to a livestock farmer relationship or to a parasite host relationship...
Speaker: I mean, i feel like our breeding of animals, feel like everything can be described as a livestock or parasite relationship. Like, ah the cows are parasites or we're parasites of cows. Yeah, the cows are taking up all the space in our farms and their populations are growing in our kill farms.
Speaker: Right. They're a scourge. And we're our population is growing. We'll never be able to kill all these guys. Chickens are laying eggs in our communities.
Speaker: In the same way that a parasite. yeah i mean, they're laying eggs. I mean, ultimately inside of our gullets, if you really think about it. yeah It's a long process, but eventually the chicken. i mean, there's yeah, there's whole like kind of chain of events that leads to the eggs getting there.
Speaker: Yeah. Ew. Yeah. Did you guys have that thing when you were kids where um they would say, oh, if you swallow a seed or whatever, you know, it'll start to grow inside of you. If you if you swallow a green potato chip, you'll have a big potato growing your belly.
Speaker: I mean, no one ever said that about eggs, though. They never said, oh, don't eat an egg. Mash up a hard boiled egg. It'll grow into a mashed up chicken inside of your stomach. Yeah, careful.
Speaker: If you eat a piece, if you eat a piece of anything, it will grow into a larger piece. with am Mature, mature piece. If you if you swallow someone's ah someone's stuff, they might form a little child with it.
Speaker: They might. They might. Good. Man, Pierce, what's with you and and eating load today? i don't think I said load. No, but you weren't implying it.
Speaker: I don't know. I'm kind of load-pilled today. Something people do. There's some quality about it. I mean, thinking about horse glue and human essence with both of these prompts, it's almost like you're baiting me to think about jizz and a load. Yeah, that was bait.
Speaker: This prompt was bait. Ha ha ha ha ha. Uh-uh-uh, that's bait. To me, this prompt is more about the clapback of like, you care for us, protect us from predators? No, you just slink around. That's not what a higher being does. It's like if, you know, you imagine ah the clapback a cow would give to people.
Speaker: Oh, so you think, well, but humans know we eat cows. We don't say we don't do something else. Right. The cow would say, oh, so you think you eat us? Well, you do. That's not nice. Oh, so this is what a human says before getting killed.
Speaker: Yeah. You think you're so great. You just like my blood. You're just a parasite. You want to kill me for my blood. You're nothing. You didn't breed me. you didn't take care of me. Yeah. didn't even really like me.
Speaker: Yeah, it in the head. This writer really does believe vampires are in dark alleys. I think they're confusing vampires with um the guys who live in dark alleys. Yeah, I mean, isn't that interesting? That really sticks out to you, huh? Don't you two sort of think of vampires' castles and... Castles. Castles. You just hide away in castles. That's where they live. But like, where are they going to go when they go out? A vampire likes to get out of his castle, get into his Toyota, open the garage door and pull out and head to the alley. Post up.
Speaker: Post up in the alley for a bit. And then when the sun is about to come up, it's back to the castle for some R&R. Alleys are not that dark. Depends on how much light there is. Oh, what time day?
Speaker: Depends on the time of day. Yeah, that too. America's not gotten much better over the past 20 years, but one problem we solved was the dark alleys problem. Like in the 80s and 90s, they knew this was an issue, so now all the alleys have lights. Yeah, just so we can see vampires and killers and muggers. The muggers have scattered. Yeah, but the problem is now all that crime has become diffuse.
Speaker: Speak on that. There's a little bit of mugging happening everywhere, even in the light. Yeah, it's better to have alleys, just crime centers so that we can figure out where to, because Batman has no idea where to go now.
Speaker: He used to go to the alleys. He's disoriented. Yeah. am I supposed to go One mugging has been dispersed among like a hundred people. You you need to have a hundred interactions with different friends and and so on before it constitutes a single mugging and you have been mugged. So it takes a few months. If Batman was in RuneScape, he would go straight to the woods or the wilderness because that's where players are allowed to commit wrongs against each other.
Speaker: but we need, the world needs its wildernesses and alleys just so that the Batmans of the world know where to post up. We should make it legal to kill in alleys again. One space where you're allowed to... player versus player zone. There's nothing about alleys per se that makes people more embloodened, to coin a phrase, right? I mean, it's not like bloodier people go to hang out in alleys. Blood is sort of diffuse among human communities. It's almost like everyone has blood no matter what, no matter where they are. should just be one with all of our blood. For the sake of vampires.
Speaker: I mean, if vampires were livestock type people, that is what they would do. They would breed people with a lot of blood, super blood people. Just to go back, though, to what you were saying earlier, do you really think vampires would like they would like to suck titties and get the milk and they like to suck and suck the ah the thing and get the milk? Because i dont I don't I don't think that's true, man.
Speaker: Or else they'd just be eating people. They wouldn't be sucking blood. And they don't eat people. It's a fact. I think they just suck blood because of how erotic it is. but I guess, yeah, by that token, they would suck cock, too, because of how erotic it is.
Speaker: But maybe there's something about the fetishism of the non-sexual object and making the body... I mean, it's almost like commodity fetishism with the human body.
Speaker: You know, this body has diffuse value. It's commodity fetishism. Come on body fetishism. But, the you know, yeah, I mean, i don't I don't want to tell entails out of school here. Vampires think of human bodies as commodities. And that's true, right?
Speaker: And the diffuse value in it, you know, vampires don't regard the body as the result of two sexual labors. They just regard the body as something that has a certain amount of blood in it, and that's the value.
Speaker: And then they're able to extract the value, the essence, with their teeth. And never really, like, think of their their're human interlocutor as something with, like, a rich inner life. Just rich inner liquid. Yeah.
Speaker: Human humans aren't interesting to them. If they try to talk to them, they're just like, shut up. Blah, blah, blah. You don't have a rich inner life. As a vampire, I care about beings with rich inner lives, but only vampire shit really brightens up my day. Only my vampire actions make me happy.
Speaker: Only turning into a bat and flapping and being afraid of silver makes me thrilled. Yeah. Why don do you humans ever talk about that? No, you're too busy with your fro-yo and... Jobs. I sleep in a damn coffin. yeah I sleep in a coffin. Where do you sleep?
Speaker: Bed? Boring. Time to eat you. Boring. Vampires have richer inner lives than we do. That's kind of the idea too, right? They're usually yeah nice dressers. Kind of ah snazzy.
Speaker: I don't believe that. I don't believe that. But I think vampires believe it. I think vampires think that they have it. They have it on fleek. Yeah. Just for the record, we don't believe that. No, we just know what vampires believe. Or at least we suspect we suspect they believe these things.
Speaker: Vampires are also probably i mean, they they probably have racial biases, even if those racial biases aren't grounded in reality. Like in the same way that you will scientists say you'll eat more food if you have an orange plate than another plate.
Speaker: Vampires probably think that different races of people taste different, even even if it's not even true. Scientists say that about orange plates? I think they say it about orange plates.
Speaker: Scientists do. It's something they say. It's not something they've studied, but it's something scientists tend to say. Yeah. but They say it in the same way people might say break a leg. Watch out for that orange plate. You'll eat a bit too much. Yeah. Scientists say Eureka the same way that people say break a leg.
Speaker: They don't mean it, but it used to mean something. It does seem like vampires are mainly their main quality is that they like to suck the blood of people from Transylvania.
Speaker: They are racist. That only happens over there, right? Are there any vampires in kind of cooler spots? Yeah. ah Never mind.
Speaker: Anywhere with a castle, anywhere with a... I mean, you know, this this prompts his dark alleys, which you really take an issue with, but I think it's i think it's possible. Yeah.
Speaker: I have an issue with that. You're not going to find them on the sunny beach. You could if it's dark, and if it's if they're under the water, where it's often dark as hell, you can't see a thing down there when you go underwater.
Speaker: That's true. Or maybe if they werepire spending if they were just wearing a lot of sunscreen, maybe. all right, let's let's move on. Let's do another prompt, please. Okay. I'll read this one.
Speaker: A child holding his ant farm makes a wish that they could speak and think, just like us. The ant farm suddenly stops moving and one ant looks toward the child and speaks.
Speaker: You know not what you have done, boy. Wow. A child holding his ant farm wishes that he could speak and think.
Speaker: It suddenly stops moving the ant farm and one child or one ant looks at the child and speaks. You know, not what you have done, boy. How can you wish if you can't speak and think the child wishes to think?
Speaker: No, it doesn't say that at all, Matthew. i hope I can think and believe one day. talking about that. A child holding his ant farm makes the wish that they, because the child's not, they don't specify the gender, makes a wish that they can speak and think. and I guess it is grammatically ah incoherent or there's a dangling participle, but the child is making a wish that the ants can speak.
Speaker: you can't you can't they to an ant farm right the ant farm stops yeah but the sentence ends with just like us so then the sentence would take place from the ants perspective makes a wish that they could speak and think just like us yeah oh well the narrator the narrator is can be any entity
Speaker: So, yeah, it's funny to um imagine a story about a genie from the perspective of another magical being. The prince made a wish that he could ah move through walls just like us.
Speaker: Just like us being it's narrated by group of magical beings. what's What's the worst that could happen if an ant could speak and think just like us? This is the worst that could happen, is that the ant frightened tries to scare you for a moment. You know not what you're... Yeah, they're just mean.
Speaker: They speak in old English. Now it can think. hey Wait till you see hear the trippy stuff we've thought of. If the ant spoke contemporary English, he would say, that was ill-advised.
Speaker: But the child would probably just say well, prove it. You're stuck in a farm still. but if an ant If all the ants in an ant farm could suddenly think with human knowledge, they'd still be trapped in a farm. They still couldn't get out.
Speaker: Yeah, but then they could talk to each other and they could say like, well, now what do we do Well, isn't this great? i guess that would be horrifying. i think they would just simply choose not to, even if they could.
Speaker: i think ants, the way that ants have evolved, it's almost like if they could think and talk like human beings, it would be so much worse for the ant. You guys have seen that video of the ants that like are able to take that shape through the holes, right? The ants that work together to solve that problem.
Speaker: No. They what? They go through a hole. They're known to do that. ants solve puzzle. This is a really good video. I'm just surprised you guys haven't seen it, but ants can think and communicate like humans as long as they're in a group. I think I don't want to sound like a Rod Serling type guy. no yeah think if you gave them human abilities, they would fail to be ants. They would fail to be good at anything.
Speaker: You can kind of skip through this video, but ah this is how ants solve the problem faster than humans. Oh, I have seen this. Yes. Yeah. Well, it's it's only three minutes and 30 seconds. We'll put it in the podcast. This is going video episode. Well, it's going to black until we get to the ant section. Pitch black. A black YouTube video until about 40 minutes in, you get to see ants.
Speaker: This is also kind of like a clap back, right? You know, not what you have done, boy. And the boy can just say, i just made a wish. I'm pretty sure it was a wish.
Speaker: Yeah, do wishes have consequences? Sure. But I didn't, it's not like I didn't know that before making my wish. not all wishes come true, you little ant. I'll squish you. How's that? Just shut up.
Speaker: somewhat Just shut the fuck up. Well, what else do you want to talk about? Now that you're an ant and you can talk. Hmm. Can we talk about tunnels? Yeah. Nah, I'm going to go to bed. i guess it is so useless. It's like granting a human the ability to do ant smell communication.
Speaker: Oh, now you can communicate like an ant. See if you can find some use there. i guess you can make a tunnel if you were or I guess you could be in there. I guess you could be useful in an ant farm if you were small and in there.
Speaker: If ants could speak and think like humans, I think they'd just be saying hi as they passed each other in the vast network of tunnels. Acknowledged. and Oh, another ant. Hey, look, an ant.
Speaker: Ant, ant, ant. God, there are a lot of fucking ants in here. I think i think we have ants. Legs, ants, legs, legs, ant, ant, sand, ground. Queen. Queen.
Speaker: Queen drone worker. Ant, ant, ant. Queen. huh Queen. Spider. Everybody run. yeah so ants run away from spiders. Run away.
Speaker: They don't. They don't run away from spiders. Well, they would if they could think. I i guess they would have spiders chased, which they don't really do. huh Because ants don't have language when they see a spider, they just think, oh, an ant.
Speaker: Yeah, because they don't have language, that's what they think.
Speaker: oh an Ant. Every ant thought because they don't have language is ant.
Speaker: Oh, look. Yeah. A child with a magnifying glass trying to burn an ant and just thinks, huh,
Speaker: This is my aunt. Aunt. Aunt. My aunt. we We're reading this prompt, so we know it's spelled A-N-T. But for anyone listening, they could have understood this prompt as being about an auntch farm and aunt farm. And all of the kind of riffing we're doing could have been about ah uncle's wives, essentially. Yeah. The aunt farm suddenly stops moving and one aunt looks towards this child and says, you know, not what he... mean, that's how aunts kind of talk, right?
Speaker: They're kind of... Yeah. Formal and... And they're not directly disciplining. They're only hinting that discipline is on the way. i'm not your mom, but you know what you have done, boy.
Speaker: What's that, Matthew? Nothing. Nothing? I was curious if your guys' aunts had spanking privileges or if those were... um No. No one in my family was ever granted spanking privileges.
Speaker: I don't think it was ever used. Not even your own folks. By the aunt. The aunt had the privilege, but was like, I'll abstain for today. I'm sure the aunt could figure out a way to spank me and not have me even tell on her.
Speaker: Right. She probably could have sworn you to secrecy. Bill Murray style. Mm hmm. No one. No one will believe you. I'm just an aunt. No one will believe that a ah mere aunt could spank you.
Speaker: yeah they They won't believe you that I was here. An aunt is like the Bill Murray of the family. but Good back in the day, but... Not so much lately. Just sort of anachronistic aunt.
Speaker: No, the aunt had a comeback recently with ah lost in Lost in Translation and, yeah, um Wes Anderson. if What do you guys think is the most Jarmusch family member? The aunt, uncle, second cousin, first cousin once removed?
Speaker: Probably like dad's friend. Dad's friend is pretty charm. Dad's pen pal. Yeah. And those dad friends kind of come out fairly infrequently.
Speaker: Much like charm movies. Right. Where the fuck is my dad's friend? It's been a while. It's been a minute. yeah Charming enough. a Charming. But ah every time you see him, you're kind of like, well, I get it.
Speaker: Yeah. It's better run in a theater. But even then, it's not that great. Not necessary. Probably the most unnecessary filmmaker of all time. He didn't need to make movies. and Nobody held a gun to his head.
Speaker: It's so funny to have a filmmaker so clearly accomplish what they need to do in their first two films and then have every film since then just be like, damn, even he gets it. Even he's had enough. He made another Jim Jarmusch movie. Wow.
Speaker: damn this guy cra some about He's good at that. He's good at it. He's good at making Jim Jarmusch movies. He's going keep doing it. Well, Bill Murray's in this.
Speaker: That's wise. Yeah, that was a smart casting choice.
Speaker: Um, well, any more prompts? Yeah. Let's do it. Okay, I'll read this one. You were a psychopath with a rigid ethical system.
Speaker: At the entrance to paradise, the attendant says, I'm sorry, but you need a brief stint in purgatory. I'll send you there once I've turned on your empathy and emotions.
Speaker: u spoon There's a way to turn on the empathy and emotions, and they just they didn't do that before? I think only in the afterlife do you lose your free will and they can start turning shit off and on.
Speaker: Become an automaton when you die. That's the loving embrace of God.
Speaker: That's his master plan. this is Earth is just the incubator for free will. and That's why we get disasters. All kinds of disasters. And then we get to realize our perfection when that free will switch is turned off and the happiness switch is turned on.
Speaker: now i'm just one way. Lovely. Is purgatory like worse if you have... empathy i don't really understand i guess that's why i put i i sent you guys this one because i don't really understand and i thought maybe you guys could figure out what it's supposed to be interesting about i don't understand at all and ah doesn't a psychopath already have a rigid ethical system kill yeah kill and name as much kill all humans and that's the right thing to do
Speaker: For them, yeah. Uh-oh, God made you a psychopath, and you didn't do anything right. and I think the only way... Sometimes God just gives his toughest battles to his most evil psychopaths, and most psychopaths fare to affect any meaningful psychopathic change to the human landscape. They only get away with killing one or two people, or most of the time they're just kind of mean to their mothers.
Speaker: But it's very very nurse. You can poison a lot of babies. Yes, yeah, if you're if you're a brain doctor, you can install a lot of useless screws into someone's brainstem. um If you're a the commander of the Nationalist Socialist Party, you can sort of whip the German fatherland into an ethno-paranoid fit. Try to get that job.
Speaker: Yeah, but it's pretty hard for most psychopaths to achieve... the wind conditions that they need. Well, most are non-practicing.
Speaker: Most psychopaths, I would say probably 99% of psychopaths are non-practicing psychopaths. And they're really disappointing their creator. Like their creator imbued them with this vigor and hate and contempt for human sensitivity. This gift. This gift.
Speaker: And then they just simply waste their gifts. why did that Why does that happen? Are they just lazy? They fear prison. They fear prison. I mean, the people that we call psychopaths, the ones who are practicing, I mean, they're really just mental deficients.
Speaker: These are people who don't understand that actions have consequences. i mean, the if you look at psychopaths, you're probably really looking at, you know, the great ah builders and makers of our society.
Speaker: ah the Carnegie Yeah, the Dale Carnegie's of the world. How to maim friends and explode people.
Speaker: Yeah, I don't know. I feel like it's interesting because any non-psychopath, their win condition for life is to simply die with a sigh and a slight smile. That's their achievement. That's their ticket to the... A knowing smirk. A knowing smirk. I died slightly good.
Speaker: I got left no trace. a They're just like good good citizen hikers. i didn't alter i didn't alter a thing. And I nodded at the pull polite at the right time. But I had some fun.
Speaker: had some fun, but not at the harm. Look, I harmed people when I was a child or when I didn't know any better. But yeah, I forgiven myself for that crap. Oh, yeah. I won. I win. Ever since then, I've just enjoyed the view. Oh, now I'm sick.
Speaker: It's almost, it' all this movie's almost over. damn I'm quite ill. I'm going to ironic, but is this divine punishment or is it simply a result of you get what you pay for? And I was just borrowing my life.
Speaker: You know, wasn't my body. It was part of this whole system. I am. And I give it back to the worms. Meanwhile, psychopaths, it's completely gritting their teeth.
Speaker: I wanted to maim one more victim. Everyone should have died at the same time as me. ah How come only one one guy in every country gets access to nuclear weapons?
Speaker: This is why i never want to go to heaven. This is where all the boring guys go. It would be so much more awesome to go to hell with Jimi Hendrix. I want to go purgatory. Is purgatory a staircase? I feel like no one knows what's there.
Speaker: You think of Stare Case to Heaven, the song. why do why Why do the fans of the musicians never get insulted when people are like, I want to go to hell with, you know, David Bowie, Kurt Cobain. How come it's always musicians too?
Speaker: Is it that much of a sin to do rock and roll? To rock out. Yeah. To party and fuck. I want to go to the hell with Beethoven. ba Beethoven, the pit the famous rock and roll pedophile. grooming young girls and taking them back to the hotel so he can trash it with them.
Speaker: Shit. Is it all entertainers? Like, is Mr. Rogers in hell, too? Mm-hmm. Mr. Rogers is in hell. He was a pedophile, right? No, he just liked kids. Yes, he was. well He's just a friend to kids.
Speaker: Wasn't he a minister? You got me there. Right? He believed in God. I really don't like how much people are okay with Mr. Rogers' actions. Really?
Speaker: yeah Yeah, what was he up to? What good did he do? he hosts a TV show. Right. so He got his pilot greenlit. And we're supposed to be honoring him for that?
Speaker: Well, what about Alex Trebek? Do you like him? I don't know too much about what he's done, but yeah, don't think I would like him in person. He's question he's had a lot of questions. Okay. But he had a lot of answers. and You have to come up with a question, I think. That Mr. Rogers guy, he was just trying to make every kid in the world Christian, right?
Speaker: He's trying to make heaven on earth. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like that either. you wanted you to like your neighbor? Yeah. Have you met my neighbors? Have you met my neighbors? They're ass.
Speaker: Actually, one of my neighbors had a glow up recently. What? One of my neighbors had a glow up. boy ah I've noticed. Nice. So now youll eat now you like them.
Speaker: He was a disgusting guy when I moved in here who I'd see kind of pacing in front of the apartment building. He was homeless, right? He was homeless. but it wasn't du's neighbor My homeless neighbor had a glow up as he became housed.
Speaker: He looks a little better, little less stringy. He's not homeless, and I would never talk about the homeless having a glow up. You don't think it's right to do ah a homeless makeover or they get a trim and a suit?
Speaker: Is it right? Is it right to do that? It's right. I wouldn't do it. But it is the right thing. You wouldn't subject a homeless person to that? To not really help them materially, but...
Speaker: but improve their aesthetic value. yes Yeah, that's right. I always thought it would be funny to do that in reverse, just to download every homeless makeover video and then put them in a string and reverse them all.
Speaker: Lengthen their hair, mat it, hair their chins and add scabs and tatter their clothes. And put them back on the street. Put them back off. Yeah, because they did they were found on the street.
Speaker: but All human beings come from the street. If you find someone who doesn't look ah unhoused, not that there's a look, not that there is a look. It can happen that we're all one bad day away from it, as they say accurately.
Speaker: But if you find someone like you guys really on the street, then yeah, you should be made over to seem homeless. You're from the street. Anyone on the street should be made to look like they belong there.
Speaker: And like we say, there's no real look, but use use your imagination and come up with a look. Right. Everyone has their own sort of Pokemon de-evolution. Like they all have their own style of what homelessness would look ah like on them.
Speaker: if ah If I had ever experienced a period of homelessness living in my car for like a week or something, and you guys were having this conversation and riffing about homelessness, I would bring it up and I would say, i actually had stint period where I was homeless and you are unfairly stereotyping me.
Speaker: I would bring that up. Sure. if um If that had happened to me, i would say, yes, I was disheveled at that time.
Speaker: But I glue up. I glue up. ble I glue up. But I glue up. I'm all blown up. That's over now. All blown up now.
Speaker: Here's a writing prompt. When walking home, you found an injured white bat. You took it home and helped it recover before it flew away.
Speaker: A few nights later, while walking home, a white limo stopped beside you. Two men in white suits with red eyes and fangs step out.
Speaker: Our lady has sent us to collect you so she can repay you. That's the end of the story, right? I mean, that's not a good a good writing prompt. It's too much. It's a beautiful story.
Speaker: It's a good story, though. A white limo. With white guys inside. It does not say the guys are white. ah White suited guys. Two men in white suits. Two black men in white suits. That's the sort of surprise.
Speaker: That's what it wants you to think. yeah you Well, that's your answer to the writing You're answering the writing prompt. They're what saw the guys All these guys are surprisingly black. Even the white bat was black after all. And the limousine was black as well. Their eyes were not red, in fact. They were black. theyre black.
Speaker: Everything was pitch black. ah Events occurred in a pitch black world. As you might imagine, it was difficult to discern any action in this pitch black world. But take my word for it. Everything in this story is true.
Speaker: You're allowed to tell. You're allowed to ah make an entirely fictional story and open the story by saying the events in this story are 100% true. As long as it takes blank place in a pitch black world.
Speaker: I have a prompt. Events occurred in a pitch black world that were completely true. What happened next? ah what happened next was unbelievable.
Speaker: Let's just move on. Let's just move on to the next one. This one's pretty exciting. I'll read this. The invader looks at the wounded soldier. So falls Earth's great protector.
Speaker: The man laughs, then coughs up blood. I'm not Earth's great protector. Just a soldier. Common infantry. Step through that gate. 80,000 of my brothers are waiting for you.
Speaker: I told them you were coming. They called friends. Oh, shit. That's badass. Step through that gate. and All these prompts are about victims sort of telling off their killers, being smarmy with the vampire or the invader.
Speaker: Oh, you stupid invader. You think you got me? You damn invader from the great beyond. Haven't you encountered human ah spiciness before?
Speaker: catty. An invader who kills a soldier and says, so falls Earth's great protector. It's just one guy. It's one guy. ah Yeah, not very smart of the invader.
Speaker: I finally defeated the protector of the earth. I, an evil invader, am here to destroy the earth. So any criminal saying, ah, so falls this window.
Speaker: i guess this is supposed to be the strongest window in the world. broke easily with my rock. Now the rest of this will be easy. then the window laughs. Actually, there's a locked door behind me. 80,000 pounds steel.
Speaker: pounds of steel So falls this bank's front door. Now I'm within the bank and robbing it will be easy. You pathetic bank robber. Don't you know there's a vault within? They should program drones to say that before the drones drive.
Speaker: So falls this innocent child. Step through that gate. There's more crap to be seen. i'm just a mere soldier. Common infantry, really. It's good to write a story about invaders getting their comeuppance.
Speaker: Yes. The thing that works about this story is that the invader misjudged you thinking that you're great when actually you're not remarkable. Thinking that the enemy was just one soldier. Wait, there's an army?
Speaker: oh crap. Oh, wait a second. I shouldn't be so confident about this invasion. Yeah, the aid invader, if the invader had simply said, so falls one meager soldier in what I assume is a vast army. Then the soldier wouldn't really say anything. The soldier would be like, yep. No, I was actually Earth's great protector. You defeated Earth.
Speaker: You won. Congratulations. ah We're really fucked now. Oh, crap. I wish I was still living. and now, as I die, let me just tell you, this is all yours. As far as the eye can see, this is yours to do with what you will.
Speaker: The man did not laugh while coughing off blood. He simply coughed up blood ah mirthlessly. Choked on that shit. false. Earth's great protector. whatiaah So great protector. hakcha He said coughing blood.
Speaker: the invader looked at the wounded soldier so fall's earth great protector The man laughs, then spits on that thing. Haktua, he said. Step step through of that gate. 80,000 more blonde chicks from Tennessee are are waiting there.
Speaker: ah the invariant would be really excited. They called their friends. There was a spit on my shit. I just killed you because I thought that you were Earth's great protector, but it turns out you're Earth's greatest cocksucker.
Speaker: um Here's a writing prompt. What's one way to surprise your man in bed? The girl laughed.
Speaker: The girl coughed up blood and laughed. No, she coughed up spit, right? Yeah, she coughed it up. Ha! Ha! The vampire.
Speaker: ah vampire laughed and coughed up blood. think ate too much. I'm sick. I'm full.
