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Episode 5: How to Actually Listen
11 Plays1 month ago
You know how simple conversations seem to turn into arguments which turn into giant fights? Doesn't have to be that way. This episode will give you a framework for stepping out of that exhausting cycle.
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Transcript
Introduction to Active Listening
00:00:35
Ibinye
ah Hello everyone and welcome back to the Better Marriage Podcast. This is Ivy speaking and I'm here with Rafi as usual. Today we're going to be talking about something wonderful called active listening. You might have heard about it before or maybe not. So Rafi, what exactly is active listening?
Active Listening vs Empathic Dialogue
00:00:54
Raffi Bilek
Great question. I want to tell you that because active listening has such a sort of a therapy buzz about it, I've actually started using a different term, which is my souped up version of active listening, which is called empathic dialogue, which actually tells you a bit more about what it is. We are going to dialogue in an empathic way. So active listening or empathic dialogue is where I'm going to listen to you and I'm not going to talk.
00:01:16
Raffi Bilek
It's great. Not that I don't talk at all, but if you and I are talking, let's say you come to me and you have some issue, especially this is really useful if you have something you're annoyed about with me or something I did or some issue with the relationship.
00:01:29
Raffi Bilek
So the way we're going to do this is you're talking and I'm listening, not we're both sharing our opinions. If two people are sharing their opinions, nobody is listening. And that looks ah like a game of verbal ping pong really quickly.
00:01:40
Raffi Bilek
So um you are the speaker and I'm the listener, right? um So active listening means I'm really paying attention and listening and not just going to share my opinion.
00:01:52
Raffi Bilek
um There are a couple of things that I can do as the listener that will help. And there's some things that like that I should not do as the listener. So what are some common pitfalls, you would say, Ibi, of like ways is that people mess up their listening role?
00:02:06
Ibinye
They're interrupting all the time. So before the person can even get the sentence out, they're interrupting.
00:02:08
Raffi Bilek
Yep.
00:02:11
Ibinye
They're not focused on what the other person is saying. They're more focused on what they want to say and getting their opinion right. And then number three, they want to win.
00:02:22
Ibinye
It's like an argument in their mind. It's a game in their mind. And it's like, I got to win and I don't really care what you're saying.
00:02:25
Raffi Bilek
Right.
The LOVE Acronym for Listening
00:02:29
Raffi Bilek
Right, yeah, we gotta to take this out of the context of who is right. All I'm trying to do now is I'm trying to listen to you and hear where you're at. So I'm gonna tell you, i have ah I have a framework. There are four things you can do that will be helpful when you're listening, and everything else is not helpful. And it's easy to remember because it comes with the best acronym ever, which is love, L-O-V-E. Okay, L is listen, always is reflect in your own words, V is validate, and E is empathize. That's all you can do as a listener. If you're doing anything else, it's not gonna work. For example, explaining.
00:02:58
Raffi Bilek
Right. That's the way that people mess this up. If you tell me, you know, Rafi, I'm so annoyed because you forgot to get the dry cleaning yesterday. Well, i because what happened was it was traffic and it was light. That may all be true, but that's explaining and it will get you nowhere. Now, you know, this will get you nowhere because you've tried it and it's gotten you nowhere.
00:03:13
Raffi Bilek
That's how everybody's done it. So listening means I listen. I'm not trying to share my opinion. I'm trying to hear you out.
Improving Communication Through Reflection
00:03:20
Raffi Bilek
Reflecting your own words. I mean, how does that look in your opinion?
00:03:23
Ibinye
So essentially, think of yourself as a court reporter, right? You're not interjecting. You're not putting in your own um opinions. You're simply just saying what you heard your partner say.
00:03:35
Ibinye
That's just all it is. I'm not adding my opinion.
00:03:38
Raffi Bilek
Right.
00:03:38
Ibinye
I'm not assuming things about anything. I'm literally just reporting what I heard you say. Easy peasy.
00:03:44
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. So we had talked about I statements, right? So if you're the listener, we're going with you statements. You feel this. You are angry because I didn't get the dry cleaning. I do not have to agree with you. When we are doing empathic dialogue, it does not mean that I agree with you. It just means I understand what you're saying.
00:04:01
Raffi Bilek
I'll reflect in my own words, my own words, because if I parrot back what what you just said, it's very annoying. right If someone says to me, Rafi, I'm really irritated because you were rude to me yesterday. And I said, yes, you're really irritated because I was rude to you yesterday. It sounds very obnoxious. It does not go down well. But if I say, you know what, I can see that you're a little bit upset because you didn't like the way I behaved.
00:04:20
Raffi Bilek
Now you know I'm listening. And that's really important here. So then validation is next. Validation just sounds like, yeah, that makes sense. You know I can understand that you would feel that way. I may not agree. I'm not saying, we're not getting into an agreement or not. I'm saying I don't have to agree, but I can understand
Transforming Conversations with Empathic Listening
00:04:34
Raffi Bilek
why you'd feel that way. If you thought that I did this, whether or not I did it, you would feel angry. Sure, that makes sense.
00:04:40
Raffi Bilek
And empathy sounds like this. Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you. Right? So that's all we have to do. Now, people think that like, well, are we going solve this how we going to fix this? Let me tell you, this is 80% of fixing a problem.
00:04:53
Raffi Bilek
If you have listened, reflected, validated, empathized, things are in a much different place. You may not have a solution in front of you, but the conversation is different. We're no longer at each other's throats. We are working together. And that makes a huge difference in the conversation.
00:05:10
Ibinye
Yeah. Empathic listening just, it softens the conversation. So you're not coming at it as two adversaries. You're coming at this as partners, partners who can sit with each other, partners who can hear each other, partners who can understand each other.
00:05:20
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Right. Right.
00:05:26
Ibinye
And eventually you'll come to a place of mutual agreement if that's possible, because not all disagreements can actually be solved and that's okay.
00:05:33
Raffi Bilek
right
00:05:36
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, not there's a lot of disagreements you'll have that don't have a good solution. right I had a couple come to me once and they they didn't know if they were going to have another child or not. and They were arguing about whether to have another child. There is no having half a child.
00:05:48
Raffi Bilek
They could not have like just the legs or just the torso something. That wasn't an option. um But within a few sessions of changing the way they talk about it, they felt like they were doing it
Takeaways and Resources
00:05:57
Raffi Bilek
together again. And that's the important thing.
00:05:59
Raffi Bilek
So the um the the takeaway tip for today is that empathic listening will help a lot. You listen, reflect in your own words, validate, empathize. It will change the nature of your conversations.
00:06:13
Ibinye
right, that's it. So go do great, be kind to each other, and you're on the road to a better marriage.
00:06:20
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. I want to add one more thing, which is that if you are interested in learning more about this communication stuff, I have a whole book about it. It's called The Couples Communication Handbook, the skills you never learned for the marriage you always wanted.
00:06:32
Raffi Bilek
So if that sounds interesting, I'm going to put that in the show notes. If by the time you're hearing this, I've figured out how to do that. And it goes through all the stuff about empathic dialogue with lots more useful tips. You can check it out at thecommunicationbook.com.
00:06:44
Raffi Bilek
If you like listening to me talk, there's seven hours and 29 minutes of that in the audio book. and you can get the first two chapters for free at the website. So I hope that's helpful to you. I hope this tip was helpful and we'll see you next time on the Better My Earth Podcast.