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1/40th Of A Rat Friend
75 Plays7 months ago
This week we finish our Hogwarts adventure, we've got some fun facts and, as always, and AITA!
Send in your sh*t to TalkShitToUs@gmail.com or on socials @TSYBPOD
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Transcript
Welcome and Catch-Up
00:00:13
Speaker
Well, hello and welcome back to Talking Ship where they ain't gonna break.
00:00:21
Speaker
Wow. Live studio audience today is really up for it. So loud. Okay, everyone. Chill out. Chill out. Wow. think but who but whoa We need some silence so we can talk, everybody. Yeah. That's why we all came here, right? yeah How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm good.
00:00:44
Speaker
good.
Sleep Struggles and Humor
00:00:45
Speaker
We're good. We're both good. I'm actually super tired. I didn't sleep great. So, Oh, that's not good. Yeah. I slept like a fucking baby, but mainly because I was knackered from the night before I didn't sleep well. Well, I'm glad you're catching up on that sleep debt. I feel like I probably will forever be in sleep debt. so Yeah. I don't think you can ever catch up.
00:01:07
Speaker
<unk> No, I'm fucked at this point. Yeah. Once you start having sort of, you know, late nights in your late twenties, you're fucked. Yeah. Yep. You're never going to make that back. No, no. You're right. Well, I'll power through. I got my coffee. I got my cocaine. I got my ah speed.
00:01:31
Speaker
Fentanyl. Just kidding. Yeah. All of it. I got my downer for the uppers. And you'd up us for the downers to level you out. So really, you you're just normal now. Yeah, actually, you're right. I was going to ask you something. I can't remember now. ah well does't matter Oh We're back again. Once again. And today is at the time of recording.
00:02:00
Speaker
It's Trump's in all inauguration. Oh man, I'm glad you had to bring that up. Sorry. I was really
Trump and TikTok Discussion
00:02:06
Speaker
hoping and we could just pretend it was only Martin Luther King Jr. Day today. I'm just like um so annoyed that... Yeah, it's like you know we always have MLK Day. like you know It's like whatever Monday it is in January you know and it's a holiday for us and it just so happened to fall in the same day as the inauguration and I'm just like, can we can we like not associate Trump with MLK, please? Can we not do that? Yeah, just feels disrespectful.
00:02:35
Speaker
Can I just talk about him for like one minute? Yeah, yeah of course. um So obviously, over the weekend or the past couple of days, ah the US ban TikTok and kicked everyone out in the US. And then Trump's brought it back. I'd just like to remind people that he was the one that initiated the ban in the first place. In 2020, he said he was going to sign an executive order because he got real pissy about all these TikTokers you know, young people who are like, let's all buy these tickets to his rally and then not go. So his rally is not, you know, like full of people. And he got so fucking mad about it that he's like, I'm going to ban TikTok.
TikTok and International Access
00:03:17
Speaker
And then finally happens for reasons that we don't have to go into, but it's super annoying. And then, yeah, he comes in and saves the day and it's like,
00:03:28
Speaker
that Honestly, it's kind of, ah you know, I guess it was kind of a brilliant move because now look at all the people who are going to be like Trump save TikTok, but it's like they're forgetting. Yeah. They're forgetting how it happened. Yeah. And also it's classic narcissistic behavior. Yeah. Take something away and then become the savior by reinstating it. So.
00:03:51
Speaker
Yeah, i look just to see, I loaded it up yesterday in the morning and it was like, the screenshot was like, we're working with, you know, we're banned or whatever and we're working with President Trump towards a resolution. So then Nigel being over there, I asked him if he could log in because I wondered, you know, even though his phone is American based with American based self, you know, cell service and, you know, phone number, if he could see it while he's over there and he could not.
00:04:17
Speaker
So, but then he's like, well, maybe, you know, the UK, maybe they're doing it in the end. I was like, no, I think it's because your phone is American for all intents and purposes. Yeah. And you've logged in. On an American. Yeah. Yeah. tells But then very, you know, I don't know how, how much time had passed, but then all of a sudden there was again. so What a save. Yeah.
00:04:39
Speaker
bell and Yeah, I know.
MLK Day and Hogwarts Role-Play
00:04:41
Speaker
Fuck that guy. He's also, we mentioned a there as well that he, a video seems to have come out where he's essentially admitting that Elon Musk may have interfered with the voting computers in Pennsylvania and that's where they won there. so Certainly seems that way based on what he said and some of the implications there. And of course, you know, nothing will happen with that. No, I was going to say there'll be no investigation and nothing will come of it. Yeah.
00:05:10
Speaker
There you go. Well, happy Martin Luther King Day. Thank you. We shall go with nothing else. Yeah. That's what it is. So I, you know, have the day off and you and I are recording and we were thinking about maybe revisiting your work at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as a Hogwarts only guidance counselor.
00:05:33
Speaker
Yeah, Charlie made a very good point to me that ah this was clearly written by an American because she was like, this is the most American Hogwarts I've ever heard. Well, and you know, read by an American. and True, yeah. But yeah, I mean, it is clickhold.com, not .co.uk either, but you know, they could have done a little research into the culture. They could have. I mean, you know, there's seven books they could have.
00:05:59
Speaker
Didn't allow homework. yeah We're not ones to talk, but we also love judging.
00:06:11
Speaker
and That is our God-given right. Damn right. So just to recap. Yeah, where were we? Well, we met with two students. You tried out some nipple magic and you know we have your Tony Blair chair and we left off with coming back from Princeton University where you left Spigot because he was so enamored with Cornhole. He loves Cornhole. Who doesn't? Right. and so We were considering that a win because you got someone to a college, even if they're not enrolled in college or going to college. He might enroll at some point.
00:06:50
Speaker
Yeah, you know what? ah the The tour guide or whatever did say that like if you really want a shot, you need to live in the shanty town on the edge of campus in order to like even be considered. So now he's in a position to do so. Exactly.
00:07:03
Speaker
He's closer than he was. Yes, exactly. And Princeton's a great school. It's Ivy League. so um But yes, you ultimately slurped the magic linguine. Ah, yes. Yeah, yeah, yes. And I will just pick him pick up where we left off, OK? Yep.
00:07:26
Speaker
And we'll see if we can get through this, but we might have to have a part three. Okay. This is just going to go on all year now. Well, and if you remember. It just never ends. Yeah. It's actually a job to click through this.
00:07:43
Speaker
And I'm trying to remember your schedule. There were four students told all we've done to the last one being, you know, the infamous Ron Weasley. So yeah. for him i feel ro riesley voices I was just thinking about that. It is not going, it's going to be Ron Weasley as played by a different person, and not Rupert Grint. They are doing a TV remake, so maybe you're the candidate for that. Ron Weasley played by a white mid to late 30s white American woman. yeah We can't discriminate, Kate. You're right, you're right, you're right, you're
Historical Fun Facts and Hypotheticals
00:08:22
Speaker
right. Okay, so with a flash, you're back in your office. oh you The only evidence Spigot was ever here is the lingering musk of hot dogs.
00:08:36
Speaker
Oh, but hey, there's a girl with a rat in here now. It's always something, isn't it? Here in this wild witchy mixed up school, they call Hogwarts. Sure is. Tony Blair is actually a codename, says the enchanted chair. Many different people have held the mantle of it Tony Blair throughout the years, including one very clever orangutan. Thanks chair. Thank you.
00:08:59
Speaker
so I mean, naturally, this girl is, with the rat, is standing in her office, and it makes sense that you perhaps ask her how you can help her. Would you like to? Yes. Yeah, I shall. Can I help you? All right. She says, um I'm here because my friend Capernicusa has an appointment with you, and um she's a rat now. So she holds up her little rat friend.
00:09:27
Speaker
That's right. Copernicusa grump. Copernicusa, I can't say this fucking name. I'm just going to call her Cope. Cope gumped the Ravenclaw. Oh, clever. And naturally you want to ask her about that so you can say, she's a rat now?
00:09:44
Speaker
That's my only option. Yeah, for now. she's She's a rat now?
00:09:51
Speaker
All right. um and Let me do a voice here. Okay. So we got her friend. um um Yeah. Well, actually she's 40 rats.
00:10:02
Speaker
Because Professor Large Bird caught me in her passing notes in class about whether Judeo-Christian actually involves any meaningful aspects of Judaism. And to punish us, she said that she could either turn me into 40 rats, or her into 40 rats, or both of us into 20 rats each. And Cope volunteered to be the 40 rats, so now she is. um Also, Professor Large, sorry, what?
00:10:29
Speaker
Sorry, where are the other 39? Well, I think she'll answer that for you. She goes on to say, um, Professor Largebird said she'll turn back when I get all the rats together in one place, but they scattered and I only managed to catch this one. So she's going to miss her appointment, I think. Yeah. I mean, I can't really do the appointment with
00:10:54
Speaker
140th. Well, you have two options here. You can ask, can I try talking to the rat? Or you can say, this really sucks. Can I try talking to the rat?
00:11:07
Speaker
All right. You ask. And the response is three ellipses, which I can only assume means nothing. Like you don't get anything back. So you then proceed to ask, do you have any interest in starting the college process?
00:11:26
Speaker
I feel like I would ask it, do you have any interest in starting the college process? You just get louder. Yeah. um Well, you get a response now. It says, of course not. I'm a rat. yeah And you say, well, shit. Well, shit.
00:11:48
Speaker
And then, you know, her friend jumps in and says, um, I'm sorry. I think I've got to go find the rest of my rat, of the rats that my friend is made of now. So, and now's your chance. Don't squander this opportunity. God may have closed a door, but what that stupid motherfucker hasn't realized is he left a window open for you to wriggle right through. And you can maybe talk to her friend about college. So you ask her, wait, how would you like to go to college?
00:12:18
Speaker
Wait, how would you like to go to college? And she responds, um, college? Wow. Geez, I don't know. I'd never thought about it, but yeah, maybe. You're so shocked and surprised and just like, you can't lose this momentum. But the only thing you can think of to ask is, so wait,
00:12:46
Speaker
Really? Oh, fuck's sake. I am not helping myself here. Oh, you're still practicing. Okay. Wait, really? Uh, she responds, actually, um, shoot. I totally spaced and forgot that I've pledged my body and soul to Astral Lewis.
00:13:06
Speaker
The black archon of the lowest ends and the highest spires, his long pale fingers will tear back the trembling curtain that separates the sense from madness and um usher in an age of depravity where their only law is whim.
00:13:21
Speaker
Um, and, and part of his dread ball, I've got like a lot on my plate, like defeating the metal, some band of protectors and their mask a leader, proud fist and cutting each of the long threads to hasten the great unraveling. But like, I'll, um, I'll be rewarded with, um, power undreamed of. So I'm actually going to be super busy with that. Right. Okay. fucking And so you say nevermind then defeated.
00:13:52
Speaker
I find your rat friend. The girl leaves with one 40th of her friend. You're alone with your shame. who So far today. So far today you've lied to a child.
00:14:07
Speaker
gotten a student addicted to a lawn game, and failed to make any headway with a rat's friend. If guidance counselors were horses, they'd name you Elmer's. Do you get that reference? OK, so elmer Elmer's is a brand of glue. And glue is, wow you know, supposedly made out of horses.
00:14:28
Speaker
so So yeah, Charlie may be right about Americans writing this. But on top of this, your jaunt Princeton burned through most of your lunch break and your last appointment Ronald Weasley is going to be here any minute. So you have two options. Well, I've got high hopes for Ron. I mean, he had his life together according-ish, according to the books. You have two options. You can wait for Ron or you can go get lunch anyways.
00:14:58
Speaker
ah I'm going to go get lunch anyways. Fair enough. Let's see what happens. You think to yourself, fuck it. They don't pay you enough dried lizard parts to skip your lunch break. You flip the, I have gone fishing sign on your door around and set up for the teacher's lounge where nearly half of a leftover egg and cheese lean pocket awaits you in the magic refrigerator.
00:15:20
Speaker
Oh, yum.
00:15:24
Speaker
um But as it so happens, you're lost basically immediately. The stairs spun around in random patterns. And now you're in a part of a school you've never seen before in your whole fucking life. This might be a little exciting if it didn't happen every other fucking time you try to go to lunch. So, yeah, you have two options. You can go left or you can go right. Left, please.
00:15:49
Speaker
You head left and tug open a promising looking door. Immediately you're worried to the ankles and a torrent of lizard snakes, geckos, skinks, and iguanas both dried and fully squirming. Looks like you found the school's lizard supply closet. Cool. Can I leave and go right?
00:16:05
Speaker
After quickly checking to make sure the hallway is empty, you start stuffing your pockets with as many dried lizard parts as they can hold. It's payday, baby. And you're finally getting set up for direct deposit. Lunch still beckons, though. You can go left or right. Oh, OK, right. Oh, God, OK.
00:16:26
Speaker
You've somehow found your way into a sparse, filthy bedchamber. The overwhelming stench of brown stew and wet laundry assault your nostrils. A combination whose strange familiarity clicks into place after a few beats. You're in Professor Snape's room. Oh no. The last thing you want to do is stay too long, but you quickly take in some of the more sordid details. Oh, the stacks of dripping wet National Geographics labeled with color coded sticky notes. The mountain of skim milk, empty skim milk curtains from a brand the school definitely doesn't stock.
00:17:02
Speaker
the shelf of books with titles like A Boy's Guide to the Throat, and you have them in your grasp. Now what? This is the home of a true pervert. Brilliant. Do you want to go left or right?
00:17:16
Speaker
um I'll go right again. You sound scared. I am. Probably, reasonably so. You've now found yourself in Hogwarts synagogue. A thick film of dust covers everything. Thanks to Hogwarts off the books policy of quietly discouraging Jews from applying. Whoa. This is taking a turn. are you Why are you working for this institution? Okay. You know what? We're here now. So we'll talk about
Whimsical Hogwarts Adventure
00:17:45
Speaker
that later. Um, they just wouldn't fit in is the justification usually here. No one ever really goes there. You take a moment to wonder why they even built one in the first place.
00:17:56
Speaker
Well, I have thoughts. I mean, my thoughts are that, you know, I don't think religion really matters in Hogwarts because they're witches and wizards. It's actually kind of the opposite of religion in a way, or its own religion, I suppose. Oh well, off to lunch, left or right?
00:18:20
Speaker
Left. Or will that just take me back to Snape's room? Well, you did. Left. b lizard closet, right, Snape's room, right again, synagogue. and so if you did so Left, right, right, left. No, it shouldn't. Okay, I'll go left. After walking for what feels like an eternity, you find yourself in front of a strange door at the top of a staircase. It seems to leap open before you.
00:18:46
Speaker
beckoning you in with a soft glow that spills forth after all these years. Could it be dot, dot, dot? And then it just says enter. Would you like to enter? I'll enter. Where am I? It must be the fabled Room of Requirement, which appears to Hogwarts students. Do you know what this is? Is this it? Yeah. Well, what is it? It's the Room of Requirement. It will become anything you want it to be or need it to be.
00:19:13
Speaker
So, for example, in one of the books, ah Dumbledore mentions that it turned into a toilet when he moved to the toilet. But Harry also uses it to hide a book.
00:19:27
Speaker
Um, in the last book, they, all the like sort of students who are fighting against the Death Eaters use it as a hideout to hide from the evil teachers and stuff. Oh, didn't know that. Oh, and, um, Harry's defense against the dark arts teaching room. Okay. Cambridge came. Yeah. Okay.
00:19:54
Speaker
And yeah, I mean this track say at least got this right. Cause it says, which appears to Hogwarts students and presumably faculty in their time of, in time of great need to provide them their heart's desire or something like that. Who cares? ah you're extreme Well, and you are extremely hungry, so it makes sense that it would show up now. It doesn't give you food. That's the only thing it can't give you. Oh, okay. Well, somewhere in here, there's got to be a delicious lunch just for you. who You start searching, but before long you feel a presence behind you. So you turn around. I want to point out though, because you didn't attend Hogwarts. You went to like community college. Maybe wouldn't know that I can't provide food. So you turn around. Oh, oh, okay. Well, you ready? Oh, no. What a mistake you've made. This isn't the room of requirement. This is the room where Dracula lives.
00:20:51
Speaker
but It's just like the old Hogwarts saying, everyone thinks Dracula lives in Transylvania, but he actually lives in the room where Dracula lives. ah Oh yeah, that old well-known Hogwarts saying. The bigger drains from your limbs as you stare into Dracula's hypnotic gaze. And as his fangs pierce your neck, your last thought is that someone really ought to label that door, or any of them for that matter. Yeah, but that would be helpful.
00:21:19
Speaker
so Technically, I think this kind of means you died, but your options are return to checkpoint or start over. Return to checkpoint.
00:21:30
Speaker
Okay. So that takes us all the way back to. you know, a girl and rat friend leaving where you can choose lunch or waiting for Ron. ah wait for ron Good choice.
00:21:43
Speaker
Good call. Your responsibility is to your students, not to your aching stomach or subtly plummeting blood sugar. You sit stoically and wait like if they they made a sitting terracotta warrior with bad posture and no facial definition. burn but Luckily, you don't have to wait long before there's a timid, fluttery fluttery knock at your door, which I guess would be kind of like, very you can say, come in or of course.
00:22:13
Speaker
that's Okay.
00:22:18
Speaker
A pale tremulous student creeps into your office, locks the door, and slumps into the enchanted armchair. He's pregnant with nervous energy, which is weird way to say it, and he keeps glancing over his shoulders as if he thinks he's being watched. I'm Ron Weasley here for my appointment, he mutters hoarsely.
00:22:42
Speaker
Tony Blair is the only human embryo ever successfully gestated in a gorilla womb, says the enchanted armchair. When his surrogate gorilla mother died, she received a state funeral. Leave me alone, shrieks Ron. ro You can ask him either, tell me about yourself, Ron, or is everything OK? Is everything OK?
00:23:06
Speaker
Of course it's not okay, cries Ron. If he finds out I'm here, God only knows what he'll do. He and he'll isn't like he is capitalized. turn the school against me, or take more of my memories, or he'll goad goad her into punishing me, or me into punishing her, and God, he would too. He has his hooks in everyone, and I'm the only one close enough to see it, and there's nothing I can do because he has his hooks in me deepest. Oh, I bet he's talking about that, right? I was just thinking that too. You can say, slow down and tell me about yourself, or you can let him keep talking, thinking, who is this he you keep talking about?
00:23:49
Speaker
Let's go with the second option. Who is this he you keep talking about? How can you not know? I'm trying to do like squeaky voice puberty. The whole school revolves around him dangling on his whims like eels squirming and grasping on a fishing hook. I suppose I could be British too. Professors bend over backwards to please him. Students scurry like mindless ants to carry out his will and punish his enemies.
00:24:17
Speaker
Those few who dare oppose him, he humiliates you again and again, year after year. He's even got his own paramilitary group now, students who would die in his name. What began as a cult of personality has become far darker. And God help me, I helped him build it all. I was his best friend.
00:24:37
Speaker
I won't say his name or he'll know I'm here, but he'll find out soon enough anyway. He always does. He always does. Oh, Ron. You can ask Ron why he's here. Why are you here, Ron?
00:24:53
Speaker
I love your shit already. I think you might be the only one left who can help me. Hardly anyone knows you work here. They've been here for years. Wait, yes, wait.
00:25:06
Speaker
Yes. I've been here for years and I've never knew Hogwarts even had a guidance counselor. Somehow you've escaped his notice and influence. It's truly a miracle you're so bad at your job. Yeah, fair.
00:25:19
Speaker
but it's only a matter of time before he learns I've betrayed him and he'll come for me. And you! I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it's my only way out. You need to free me. You need to get me out of Hogwarts. And you think, holy shit, it's perfect. It is. You thank God and Christ for this golden opportunity.
00:25:43
Speaker
And you can ask him, Ron, have you ever heard of college? College. Yes, please. Ron blinks. I assume like this.
00:25:59
Speaker
yep And he says... this That was a really cartoon link. Just, you know, if there was a noise effect to it, it probably would have been like a water drop.
Climactic Confrontations and Independence
00:26:10
Speaker
He says, no.
00:26:13
Speaker
I don't think so. Maybe I have, but he's taken so many of my memories. What is it? Will I be safe there? You have three options. Option number one. Definitely. They have blue light phones and everything. Option two. Colleges like Hogwarts, but less magical. Twice as sensual.
00:26:37
Speaker
and the cults are more fun. Option three, at college you could be anyone. You could ride a razor scooter around and be the scooter guy. It's just an idea though. The scary with option one, blue light. Definitely. They have blue light phones and everything. At last,
00:27:00
Speaker
Ron's eyes light up. I imagine like this.
00:27:07
Speaker
and life seems to flood back into his body. College, I'll finally be free, free to do what I want, which is sit quietly in a dark room and play one of those handheld watering toss games. I never dared to hope thank you, oh, thank you. I feel so good. And you say, I'll need to write you a letter of recommendation. Okay.
00:27:35
Speaker
I'll need to write you a letter of recommendation, Ronald. So you quickly bang out a pretty good letter of recommendation and safety pin it to Ron's shirt. Ron beams. Just then, there's a banging on the door, forceful, commanding. The lock holds for now, but you hear someone say or yell, Ron, from the other side of the door.
00:28:02
Speaker
Oh no, whispers Ron. He's found me. Hold Dogs barking. It's just the postman. Are they scared of this person too? Yeah. So you can say, we've got to get you to college. We've got to get you to college. Right away, Ronald.
00:28:26
Speaker
Wait, there's one more thing," cries Ron over the banging. He lifts his shirt to reveal nothing.
00:28:35
Speaker
Where his nipple should be, there's only smooth unbroken flesh. It makes your skin crawl to the hold. I imagine like this.
00:28:46
Speaker
This is how he keeps me in his thrall. As long as he has my nipples, he'll always be able to find me. He'll always have power over me. I don't know why I'm laughing. Somehow you need to fix me, please. The banging grows louder. Oh shit. The door won't hold long.
00:29:07
Speaker
So if you recall from earlier on in the day, AKA last episode, you can cast one spell that you know, or you can open your drawer full of spare nipples.
00:29:22
Speaker
What would you like to do? um
00:29:26
Speaker
I mean, I've got to get rid of some of the nipples, I guess. You have quite a bit. Yeah, I'll open the drawer for the spare nipples, please. An abundance of nipples, if you will. An abundance of nipples, sorry. You open your drawer of nipples.
00:29:40
Speaker
You've been waiting for this moment your entire life. All these years casting the one spell you know, plopum pepperonis, conjuring sickle loose nipples and storing them in your desk drawer. It was all leading up to this. With practiced ease, you slide open the spare full of drawer full of spare nipples. Oh, I wanted to open my drawer, but I don't think I'll make as much of a noise. OK. Shh. And with a quick application of a couple safety pins, ow.
00:30:08
Speaker
Ron has nipples again. Yes. I understand, cries Bron. These are my nipples now, which means all he has are some loose nipples. They have no power over me anymore. Thank you. The banging intensifies. It's time to go. So you can Google good college, you can Google better college, or you can Google best college. Best college. Yeah, he deserves the best, poor kid.
00:30:37
Speaker
Okay.
00:30:40
Speaker
Google Maps pulls up the Wellesley University admissions office and Ron starts concentrating, writing himself to cast the spell that sends you where Google Maps tells you to go. Thank you. He whispers one last time, and then Sergey Destinacchio, and in a black Flash black of black smoke, Ron is gone. The enchanted armchair starts to say something about Tony Blair's glands, but it's drowned out in an explosion of wood and metal as the blast of magic blows the door to splinters. oh Through the haze of smoke and sawdust steps the one Ron feared, staring you down with cold dead eyes, the tip of his wand crackling with untold power.
00:31:20
Speaker
He asks you where Ron is, but you're not listening. You've accepted your fate because you've filled you fulfilled your purpose. You seize the day. You did your job. You got one fucking kid to go to college. And that's enough.
Whimsical Stories and Trivia
00:31:37
Speaker
Well, I feel like the moral of this story is that everything happens for a reason. Yeah. You know, I had those nipples.
00:31:45
Speaker
You practiced that one plapus pepperonum spell so much that, I mean, his nipples don't match, but I guess it's fair to say that probably most people don't. no They're more like sisters and not twins. like dry gro you know So there is epilogue. You want me to click it? Yep. It just says nah.
00:32:11
Speaker
That's probably how the book should have gone, to be fair.
00:32:16
Speaker
Okay, so I mean, are we assuming that it was Harry Potter that killed you? Oh, I'm guessing so, yeah. It could have been Hermione, I guess. I know she's he said he, but, you know. Well, there we go. That is the tale.
00:32:34
Speaker
That's the tale of my 10 year at Hogwarts being a shit guidance counsellor. But I saved one life. And it was Ron. And you know, if anything, I think he's actually the main character of the books, right? Yeah. 100%.
00:32:50
Speaker
um So I think that's what did you think of that was did you enjoy that because there are other ones we can do some day I think like your neighbor ate your bird time to extract your revenge or yes I can i thought that would be funny. ah And I know there are some other ones that I thought were good too.
00:33:07
Speaker
You're a 13 year old girl. Can you find a date to the Sadie Hawkins? You were abducted by aliens. Will anyone ever believe you? And there's so many more. Yeah, great. Yes. Let's definitely revisit this at some point. he also have Yes. I want to see what kind of, well.
00:33:28
Speaker
oh I haven't clicked through it, but I won't try not to do any spoilers, but I'd like to see what kind of revenge you might exact. Yeah. Or if that one's anything to go by, it's going to be fucking batshit crazy. Yeah. Probably pretty gory too, I think. Yeah, maybe.
00:33:44
Speaker
Um, this website's pretty interesting though. They also have a quiz that says, how well do you know the lyrics to Nellie's hot and her?
00:33:54
Speaker
So just to real quick, go through this. The first question is want a little bit of blank and a little bit of blank ah ah and and your options are want a little bit of mushrooms growing on me and a little bit of acknowledgement from the scientific community. Want a little bit of voluntary celibacy and a little bit of involuntary celibacy. Want a little bit of creating rap music with my friends and a little bit of loud funky raps or want a little bit of tooth decay and a little bit of dental work.
00:34:31
Speaker
What's none of those? I think it's the voluntary cell of a C and voluntary cell of a C. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. I'm pretty sure that's what he says. And then he's like, good gracious ass is very patient and my mom, a drawing I made while she's having sex with Richard Dreyfuss.
00:34:52
Speaker
Oh, sorry, I did that wrong. And I was like, good gracious ass is very patient. flirtatious trying to show my mom a drawing I made while she's having sex with Richard Reims. Anyway, okay, another day.
00:35:08
Speaker
That's great. Do you want to hear some fun facts? 100%. So this is one of my favorites. So the term spinster,
00:35:26
Speaker
was originally the word for a woman so good at weaving that she was financially independent. Oh, and then they took that word from us to make it seem like an old and love haggard woman. Yeah, but actually it just means we're financially free and independent. Fuck the patriarchy, man. I know, man. Unbelievable.
00:35:48
Speaker
Um, my next fact is that a survey found that 7% of American adults think that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm not surprised and disappointed, but I also know like where there's like a huge percentage of people who are like illiterate.
00:36:14
Speaker
So they can't read about cows, but they can see pictures of cows. And the only thing they can extrapolate is white cows, white milk, brown cows, chocolate milk. Yeah. Hey, that cow's brown. That must be where chocolate milk comes from. Ma, bring my cup.
00:36:37
Speaker
um Okay, how about this one? Tina Turner was a singer and songwriter, as we all know, um known as the Queen of Rock and Roll. And although she had been making music for a decade, her breakthrough album, Private Dancer, was released when she was 44 years old. The album became a worldwide success achieving her multi-platinum certifications and cementing her status as an icon.
00:37:06
Speaker
You know, my only, like, mind, palace, memory visualization of her is her as an older, like, rock star, right? But Gal's always got oh yeah had great legs. Yeah. We should tell her story one day, actually, because it's quite... Yeah. ...quite insane.
00:37:24
Speaker
um This is more about... She sings simply the best. She sure does. Yeah. Better than all the rest.
00:37:37
Speaker
um Here's some other cool women. um
00:37:45
Speaker
ah Sister Mary Kenneth Keller. My name's Kenneth. Mary Kenneth, okay. Mary Kenneth Keller. Double barreleders here. Became the first woman in the US to receive a PhD, not a pretty huge dick, a PhD in computer science. Whole, not only first woman to receive a PhD, but in, I think, a kind of historically and maybe currently male-dominated field. hu Computer science though. So that means that was more recent than we would like to think.
00:38:17
Speaker
because computers are not that old. I mean the pitch is pretty old. It's black and white. Interesting. Okay. Well, I mean, I think probably if we... what's considered computer, right? Like probably the first one is old, but i'm we're like, you know, college has been around for a while. True. But I mean, these are all in the theme of it's never too late to start. She was 52 years old and she went on to found the association of small computer users in education and the computer science department at Clark University in Iowa, both of which are still active today.
Inspiring Late Achievements
00:38:51
Speaker
Yay. I didn't know that.
00:38:56
Speaker
Angela Lansbury, who we all love and know, was 50 years old when she landed the starring role in Murder She Wrote. The show ran for 12 years from 1984 to 1996 becoming one of the longest running and most popular detective series in television history. She's also in Bedknobs and Broomsticks and I love that film.
00:39:16
Speaker
I love that film too. I'm actually surprised I was allowed to watch that because it's about witches, which is interesting. um But also, do you remember the famous character she voiced?
00:39:32
Speaker
I'm pretty sure. Don't quote me. Do quote me because this is a recording that literally millions of people are going to hear. It's literally going to quote you. But I remember if I recall correctly, she's Be a guest. Be a guest. I'm a teapot. I'm a teapot and the rest. Yeah, I think she was Mrs. Potts and Beauty and the Beast. Crazy. Okay, this lady is mental. Julia Hurricane's Hawking. Cracking name. Okay.
00:40:06
Speaker
Like rattlesnake Kate, kinda. Yeah, exactly. Uh, she was a sprinter and a cyclist who didn't compete in her first cycling race until aged 75. Jesus fucking Christ. She began running at age 99 and became the first female track and field athlete in the 105 plus age bracket to record a time in the hundred meter dash.
00:40:33
Speaker
That makes me think of when I ran the marathon and was like, I'm fucking killing it. This is hard. And I proceed to watch like a very old man just scoot on ahead of me. And I'm like, I really want to quit.
00:40:49
Speaker
But I guess if that old man can do it and he had like a little thing on his shirt that says like, this is my 89th marathon and I'm 74 today. And I'm like, fuck sake. All I have is a little bit of bursitis in my hip and that guy's probably about to die. Well, that's it. Next time you go running, think of Julia Hurricane Hawking, who started at 99 years old. Gosh, no shit. But you know, it'd be even cooler.
00:41:12
Speaker
is up until she decided to start cycling and running. She actually smoked like a chimney and only ate red meat and drank a gallon of whiskey a day. That's my excuse. I'm just going to keep doing that um and start running at 99, cycling at 75. Yeah, I'll get there. I'll get to it.
00:41:30
Speaker
yeah
00:41:33
Speaker
Catherine Bigelow. How does it spell? By Glo? No, her for same dummy. Oh, like yours. Oh, yay. She became the first woman to win the Oscar for Best Director at 58 years old. Oh, yeah. She directed The Hurt Locker. Don't know how it doesn't say. I'll take your word for it. I'm pretty sure it's The Hurt Locker. And this is why I'm good at trivia. Let me look it up.
00:42:04
Speaker
Why isn't this? Yep. Fuck yeah. I nailed it. Hurt locker. 2008. Well done. Catherine Bigelow. First female director you were saying though in 2008? Yep. Best director. 58 years old as well. Breaking the glass ceiling in the male dominated industry. That's sad. That wasn't even that long ago.
00:42:26
Speaker
There's another running one here. Matthew Allen Smith is a 94-year-old runner who began her journey at age 46. At 92, she completed the Honolulu Marathon in 11 hours, 19 minutes and 49 seconds, setting the record as the oldest woman to ever finish a marathon. So the Honolulu, I think I looked into that when I thought I would just, like, my personality now is marathon runner.
00:42:56
Speaker
because I thought that'd be pretty and scenic and stuff. um But 11, okay, she's old. So like, I'm not criticizing her time, but like, the one I ran, you had to do it in six hours or a bus would come and pick you up and take you, you know, to jail. So yeah, not to jail, but limit yeah. Yeah. I mean, people can't wait all day. like those But you know, come well give me at least eight hours. But the Honolulu one might be longer. I don't know.
00:43:25
Speaker
I mean, it's not longer in terms of distance, obviously.
Cultural Musings and Relationship Dynamics
00:43:28
Speaker
Yeah, just take people longer. Okay, last one. of them ah Dr. Patricia Bath's lifelong mission was to fight blindness. She invented the laser phasoprobe.
00:43:42
Speaker
which is a laser device for cataract surgery, becoming the first black woman in the US to receive a medical patent. She was 45 years old. She was also the first woman to chair an... Off... you Off... I can't say it.
00:44:05
Speaker
ah Off... ophthalmology residency program in the US. O-P-H. Ophthalmology. Ophthalmology, thank you. and um That's what we call our eye doctors, so I'm very used to saying that word. I'm going to the ophthalmologist, yeah. Ophthal. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Those words usually, or those letters usually don't go in that order. That's very confusing. Yeah. Oh, dear. What do you guys call your eye doctors?
00:44:37
Speaker
um The blinky blinks, Dr. Blinky blink. Mr. Eyeball. That tracks. It's one of those weird things Americans ask you. right and We go to the opticians. Yeah. I mean, I think optician, optometrist, ophthalmologist, those are all different variations. I've never been to a specific eye doctor just to get my eyes tested, which is you, actually. That's why I can't see anything.
00:45:03
Speaker
no but in When I was a kid, I had a consistent one. He was a very nice man, but yeah, it was it's kind of like having a primary care physician here where you kind of see the same person every time. but Yeah, like a GP. Yeah. Yeah. um Would you like an, am I the asshole?
00:45:29
Speaker
Ah!
00:45:32
Speaker
Nah. All right. Well, catch you next week. Bye. Nah, lay it on me baby. All right. Am I the asshole for snapping at my boyfriend when he wouldn't stop bragging about his size?
00:45:51
Speaker
No. Uh, like size of his penis, his ego, his... so Toxic masculinity. I'll explain more. Yeah. Tell me everything. Oh, there's an update on this one now. How exciting. Okay. I'll do the original post first. Okay. This is actually the dumbest issue I think I've ever had. I've never used Reddit before, but I've seen them on TikTok. Okay, stop.
00:46:25
Speaker
Reddit is pretty prolific, right? but do Do I expect that everyone knows or is super familiar or or even uses Reddit? No. But this person, if I understand it, not a Reddit user, and became familiar with Reddit through TikTok, the recently banned and then unbanned app. Yes. Okay. Thank you, TikTok, for your service. I mean, no shit.
00:46:49
Speaker
um ah So this is literally me making this account to ask this stupid question. My boyfriend, male 27, and I, female 20. I mean, she's got the hang of that so far. Yeah. Ooh, seven year age difference, huh? Really? Maybe date someone. Well, you know, I guess girls mature faster than boys, but it sounds like maybe you need to go older then. Yeah, try 40. Go on. Yeah, go on. um Have been dating for just around six months now.
00:47:18
Speaker
not very long. In the past two we've started being intimate. Oh they waited a while too and they did get too. Well done for you. Good for you for not fucking on the first date. yeah s lag Now for context, my boyfriend is not my first but he is only the second person I've ever slept with and the first person I've slept with repeatedly. So in many ways he's my first in a lot of things.
00:47:43
Speaker
So I noticed that during our first time, it was honestly quite painful. The penetration in the movement was cramping rather than anything pleasurable, and it made me have pain really deep in my stomach for about three hours afterwards. I thought this might be a one-off thing, and maybe I just needed more before stuff, so we tried again. Before stuff, I think she means foreplay.
00:48:05
Speaker
There's the before stuff. There's the after stuff. it's the The before stuff. stuff The willy stuff. and The messy stuff. Oh, sorry.
00:48:19
Speaker
We don't talk about that. No. So we tried again. Same thing. This proceeded to happen every time we slept together and eventually it worried me so much that I went to my doctor. My doctor told me that there was nothing wrong with my diagnosable,
00:48:36
Speaker
I think she means vagina, yeah um except for bruising on my cervix that would go away on its own. Sounds like he's bad at sex.
00:48:49
Speaker
Well, yeah. and The doctor suggested what I thought more before. Before things. Well, before things. You had to preheat the oven before you throw all the stuff in. Exactly, man.
00:49:02
Speaker
you know come on he's 27 learn some shit oh shit um he also told sorry she also told me that sometimes people can be seriously just incompatible with sizes i'm only five one and she basically insinuated that my boyfriend's size is just too large for me of course i went on a gig
00:49:28
Speaker
Of course. Then you you don't go tell him that because that doesn't mean he's large. It just means he's too large for you. Yes. Of course, I went on a Google dive and told my boyfriend this. No. His reaction to be flattered. Was immense pride, right? Yeah. Quite literally so impressed with himself.
00:49:50
Speaker
And I have not heard the end of it. Jesus Christ. Every time we talk about it, he gets this dumb, proud look on his face like, yes, I'm so large. We have to do this different. He often brags about it to me in a subtle way, like I haven't been the one to point it out. Do you not have a big dick? Do you know I'm too big for you?
00:50:14
Speaker
ah Right, and the worst part is he literally will not change the way we do it. I've told him multiple times that slamming into me makes it so much worse and he'll apologise and say, I forgot. Like that.
00:50:32
Speaker
ah He'll apologise and say, I forgot, as in he forgot about his size. He's so proud to say it and I literally have not enjoyed sex with him one single time. So eventually I snapped on him. It shouldn't snap him. She snapped at him. He kept repeatedly thrusting into me like he does and it hurt so bad, causing me to snap when I normally wouldn't. I pushed him away rather hard and he was so offended. Tears immediately started flowing and I told him to stop letting his dumb big ego get into his head and stop bragging about hurting me and his stupid size.
00:51:07
Speaker
He literally slammed the bathroom door in my face. It's the biggest fight we've ever had and I ended up apologizing and he accepted it but honestly the more I think about it the less I feel like I was in the wrong. So what do you think?
00:51:20
Speaker
um I get that like size for men, and maybe women too, like it is a big deal. right and like a i point of like Him being prideful of it in no way, shape, or form is surprising to me just based on, I think, how men are with their genitals.
00:51:39
Speaker
so but like simultaneous to feeling pride, like he should have also felt concerned and like, yeah, like let's figure out a way so that we can be compatible, so it can be enjoyable for you too. He's clearly like he's one of those guys who like his partner's enjoyment of the experience either doesn't matter or he is of the belief that I think a lot of men derive from pornography that you don't need to preheat the oven, that just slamming into someone
00:52:11
Speaker
and like no other stimulation is fine and like we're good to go. And so ah like he, I'm inclined to think probably it's both those things. He doesn't care and or has the mistaken belief that that's like all women want. And I just, I'm concerned that his simultaneous or soon to be after his like, oh, I have kind of a big penis, cool. A media response isn't like, did your doctor tell you anything about how we could maybe like make this better for you?
00:52:39
Speaker
He didn't care about that and so I personally think like her having yet another painful experience with him and trying to read like give him the opportunity to change and make it better for her and he didn't like her snapping at him does not make her the asshole and she shouldn't have apologized and his reaction I think just kind of reinforces my belief that he's a selfish git. I agree. Thank you.
00:53:09
Speaker
and It's like you read the comments as well actually. I usually do. um This top comment that I enjoy is, I think I would break up with a dude who took more pride in hurting me than mutually beneficial pleasure. He would literally rather injure you to massage massage his ego. He's selfish, stupid and he sucks at sex and I definitely wouldn't reward his cervic pounding stupidity with your body anymore. You're a human, not a pocket pussy and slamming the door in your face because he's mad at you ah because he's mad that you got hurt because he's terrible at sex I hope he's willing to change but my prediction is that he'll continue to be an asshole considering you apologize to him next comment he's perfectly okay with hurting OP each time they have sex but oh the horror being shoved aside for doing it again and again bet he wouldn't like his private heart private parts to be hurt all the fucking time he has sex either stupid little shit
00:54:12
Speaker
And then everyone starts making suggestions. So better. Uh, Oh, sorry. He's a sadist demand to beat his balls before you do it better tie a string to them. And every time it hurts, she pulls the string hard.
00:54:30
Speaker
Yeah, that's called, um, conditioning. So, I mean, that is a psychological theory about, you know, reinforcing positive behaviors and. punishing negative ones to get them to stop. So. This person says, I'm in favor of a large dildo and introducing him to some pegging. And someone else said, and brag often about how, how big the dildo is. Keep saying, behold, while holding it up. and like obviously No lube, no, no preheating. Shove it in. Okay. Update.
00:55:08
Speaker
She says, I think I can put an update here. You can. You have succeeded. Well done.
00:55:15
Speaker
Some people in the comments asked, it's been nine hours since I posted this and I am just so severely overwhelmed and saddened by what everyone has to say. Though I am extremely grateful. I decided to talk to him about this using the frame of I'm genuinely almost at my wit's end.
00:55:33
Speaker
He listened to everything I had to say in brackets, which was basically what everyone here had told me to say. And he said he understood, was so sorry and would genuinely do better. He went on to explain that our issues per se, I guess you mean sex, per se, have been exclusive to me.
00:55:53
Speaker
and that's why he got all proud of himself. He told me he's now developed this, like, kink, I guess, which is why he is forgetting and getting carried away, I guess. I don't know. We didn't talk about it for that long because it sounded like an excuse. no Nevertheless. Nevertheless.
00:56:13
Speaker
two Nevertheless, he has agreed to genuinely try. I think I'm going to give it one more chance. Thanks to everyone who commented. You have no idea how unexpected and how helpful you have been.
00:56:27
Speaker
So, I mean, fingers crossed he stops being an asshole. So if I understand it correctly, talk. And because it didn't impact him, it was hard for him to care. And yeah he developed a kink of basically preferring to feel like the the big porn star who can just like rail someone as hard as he wants and assume either they join it or don't care. Even when she says it really, really hurts. Yeah. And like how it feels for her afterwards. And that's his kink now. Okay. well You sounds cool. Drink my coffee in my mom business. I love this comment. Give him a BJ and accidentally bite down a little bit. Say, sorry, my teeth are so big. I just couldn't help it.
00:57:15
Speaker
So many good ideas. So many good ideas. Or, you know, alternatively, she can just be like, you know, I kind of enjoy things more on my own, to be honest.
00:57:28
Speaker
Yes, and there were loads of comments of people with like in a similar situation and they were like, look, we had the same thing when I started sleeping with my husband. um This person, so my husband and I had the same problem when we first got together and it's worse certain times of the month when he's literally beating my cervix. Do you know how we fix this problem?
00:57:51
Speaker
Oh, that hurts. He said my bad. Let's avoid this position. And every once in a while I try to be spicy and get in one of those positions and he'll stop me and go, nope, I'm not hurting you again. It stays in my husband's mind that his size hurts me sometimes. And he literally stays vigilant about it. Opie's boyfriend is a fucking asshole. Yeah. Yep. Not the asshole. He sucks. Yeah.
Reflections and Farewell
00:58:17
Speaker
Hmm. Basically.
00:58:20
Speaker
I suspect they probably broke up. Yeah, I reckon that's on the cards. At least I hope so, because I suspect probably the last chance was not, yeah, effective. Well, there we have it. Another problem solved. Vagina saved. Yeah, another vagina saved from ruinous men. Let's all just become spinsters.
00:58:48
Speaker
Let's weave some twine. And become financially independent so we don't need no man. We don't need no man. No, we don't. And then become like Tina Turner. Simply the best. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Yes. Well, that was.
00:59:11
Speaker
Way less gross than the last time by the asshole, so thank you for that. Still upsetting. We got to finish, you know, your career as a guidance counselor, which is good because I'd been waiting on the edge of my seat to learn what happens. With bated breath. With bated breath.
00:59:28
Speaker
and you know we will see how things go today in my neck of the woods and maybe have lots to talk about next time we meet yes indeed um i hope all is well i hope and i wasn't gonna say that i'm gonna say that out loud uh probably don't because they'll come after me who But I hope, I hope it goes smoothly.
00:59:55
Speaker
please um We'll talk about it next time, I guess. Just ignore it, it's not happening. Yeah, I do think I'm gonna maybe try to learn how to dissociate, so. Yeah. Just go and celebrate MLK. Okay, I will. Go shopping. Go and get a coffee. Yeah. Yeah.
01:00:17
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. ah Well, if thank you. And I hope you have a wonderful day waiting for your labors with the dogs. But, uh, you know, dear listeners, in the meantime, you can find us on social media, T S Y B pod. You can write to us at talk shit to us at gmail dot.com for all your, you know, comments, feedback, praise, the donations you want to contribute to us, you know, and asking for advice and, you know,
01:00:47
Speaker
reinforcing our perspectives.
01:00:51
Speaker
Yeah, we don't have a Patreon yet, but if you do want to send us money, we'll send you PayPal details. It's not a problem. Yeah. te Totes. Totes my goats. But yeah, we're at T-S-Y-B-Pod. You can email us also at talkshit to us at gmail.com. I did just say that. Did you? I have disassociated.
01:01:15
Speaker
It's not bad to, you know, repeat things. I think that's how people, you know, remember stuff. That's how advertising gets you. You've got to hear it. Gotta see it. T-S-Y-B pod for you. Talk shit to us at Gmail too. Nice, nice, nice. I'm going to turn that into a jingle and we'll just pop it at the beginning of every episode. Well, we could probably do it better. T-S-Y-B pod for you.
01:01:41
Speaker
Talk shit to us at Gmail too. didn diddle it
01:01:48
Speaker
Well, until next time. Until next time. Good talking shit with you. And you. Be safe. Stay strong. Yes. yeah No. Yes. All right. Bye. Bye.