Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
65. Nipples, Footskin & Linguine
58 Plays6 months ago
Happy New Beard! This week we're going on an adventure and kick of the new year with a truly disgusting AITA (seriously, don't eat while listening to that..!)
Send in your ideas, questions or problems to TalkShitToUs@gmail.com or @TSYBPOD
Recommended
Transcript
New Year's Resolutions and 2024 Reflections
00:00:12
Speaker
Hello. Hello and happy new year. Happy new bear year. Beer. Happy new beer. Happy new beard. Oh, thank you. I've been growing it over the first period. Me too. that's That was my resolution was to grow a beard and also embrace mediocrity because I decided that I might as well, if the rest of the country is doing that, I should too and see how far that gets me. Why not?
00:00:39
Speaker
Oh, might as well. Did you have? Oh, go ahead. Oh, I was just going to say, I'm glad to see the back of 2024. Yeah. I mean, me too, but can't say I've been super excited about 2025.
00:00:54
Speaker
So there's that, but, uh, you know, we had the holidays, which are always supposed to be a fun, happy time and never are. How are yours? Um, yeah, it was good, you know, seeing lots of people.
00:01:08
Speaker
Eating loads of food, drinking lots of drink. I'm really disappointed because I didn't get one nap the whole time I was off. I'm really upset about that. Fair. But yeah, i'm I'm looking forward to 2025. Last year was a shit show. Lost my job, lost my house.
00:01:31
Speaker
when they talk, stardom's adam star lost mind, shat myself on holiday. Bad year. You shat yourself? I'm not telling you. I'm sure I'm here. Why do I feel like you didn't? I feel like I- Why aren't you telling me every time you poop your pants? Look, I got food poisoning and then I shat the bed.
00:01:58
Speaker
Maybe you did tell me that.
Humorous Holiday Mishaps
00:02:03
Speaker
Man, food poisoning in, oh, maybe I'm thinking of when you were on holiday. Yeah, that's when it was. Oh, yes. Okay. I was thinking it was recently.
00:02:14
Speaker
no yes It's the order in which I said things confused you. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Actually, that was probably an omen, you know? Yeah, might've been. Get up on holiday, get ready for the shit show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually true.
00:02:28
Speaker
Um, no I'm glad that you didn't have a ah repeat incident of, and caprices, which is, I think the medical term for that. Oh, is it interesting? I think so. Nice to know. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But we'll see what 2025 brings, because what's going there? Fingers crossed, right? Fingers crossed.
00:02:53
Speaker
I mean, we could probably talk at length about the things that have happened at least in America and politically since our last episode, which, yes, our dear listeners, we hear you. We know it's been a while. We deserve a break on the holidays. And, you know, just like take a break from your podcast sometimes, okay? What was that face for? But was like, oh.
00:03:20
Speaker
Is it okay? Are you okay? Do I need a call, please? Yeah, I think so. I mean, he's in here now. You're stuck in here now, Baxter, unfortunately. Oh, Baxter. Silly dog. Um, he won yeah, but we are, you know, we're back again, once again, in your ear holes, talking all the shit. Mm-hmm. And hopefully warming up those heart holes. Oh yeah, baby, that's what we're here for. Well, I think, you know, today will be kind of a,
00:03:51
Speaker
easy, lighthearted episode. i have had I have been generating ideas and in content for us for this new year, yes um and I think one of my brilliant
00:04:04
Speaker
Shut up Baxter. I'll fuck you up. okay you Bye Baxter, hope you find your dad.
00:04:17
Speaker
Dear listeners, Gemma is removing the hound from her room because he is contributing far too much. to this podcast and we don't want to hear his complaints about more dog content. I'm just narrating what you're doing. Your choice if you want to leave it in.
00:04:39
Speaker
is the size of a bear he's just kind out arch now so
00:04:44
Speaker
Bye Baxter. Sorry, what were you saying before we got here? Fuck, I don't remember now. Should we just call it a day? You threw me off. Baxter! No, it's a fine. I was just saying, you know, I've been generating some content ideas for the new year and some of it will, you know, be a surprise.
00:05:06
Speaker
um One thing I've been getting inspired by are more games for us to play, maybe some improvvis improv, which is always fun. I mean, we basically do improv every episode because none of this is really scripted master at all. think is imp improvev say But more intentional improv. This feels pressurized.
00:05:26
Speaker
But I came across something that I thought you might enjoy. I mean, I have a couple things, but I think the one I want to start with and whether we choose to do another one after, uh, we
Choose Your Own Adventure - Hogwarts Edition
00:05:36
Speaker
can decide, but I think you will enjoy this. And this is, uh, cue the music. I'm trying to think of how to describe like, uh, maybe a lighthearted, but kind of eerie or maybe whimsical, magical type of music. wo Welcome to choose your own adventure, but talking shit and a yank and a Brit.
00:06:00
Speaker
Do you know anything about Choose Your Own Adventure books, games? Have you ever read any of those books? Negative. so Okay. Books are a thing from the olden days. Are they? What is this wonderful thing you speak of? It's like a ah verbal movie.
00:06:20
Speaker
What, like a podcast? Yes. ah Okay, so like I didn't read too many of these growing up, but there were these books where you could kind of you you would read a prompt and then at the bottom there would be like, do you want to open the door? Do you want to go downstairs? and then you base and It's like, go to page this if you want to do this, and then you kind of follow the outcome.
00:06:40
Speaker
based on your choices, right? That sounds fun. Yeah. And books are great, but I think choose your own adventure really shines in the form of like video game. I was going to say it sounds like a video game. Yeah, which I play a lot of kind of choose your own adventure video games too that like the outcome is dependent on the choices you make throughout the game.
00:07:01
Speaker
Um, but also, you know, I think this is, I'm not a Dungeons and Dragons fan. Do you know what that is? Yeah. But I always think that I probably could get into that if I were a nerd. I'm just kidding. Um, I just think it a lot of effort needs to go into it but basically you know you kind of like develop a character and you have missions and um you develop your skills and and like your choices kind of impact the outcome of the game and there's someone who kind of leads it that's not what we're doing today uh this is just uh
00:07:35
Speaker
an online choose your own adventure click through through um a website called click hole that has a lot of different ones. That website? Yes, I think it's very fitting with our whole ah scheme.
00:07:50
Speaker
i would tend it
00:07:53
Speaker
um But for today I thought or at least for this first one I thought you might like the You're a Hogwarts only guidance counselor. Can you convince anyone to go to college? Okay, I'm down. I'm in Okay, so bear with me because I haven't practiced like clicking through this while also doing it with someone else So might be a little clunky folks, but fuck off We'll get there. I'm going to read prompts and when there's choices, I will read them to you and then you pick. Can you share your screen on here? I feel like I want to show you pictures, but I don't know if I can. No. i mean Really, we should just go to Zoom because there's a lot more capability on Zoom. Yeah. Well, maybe pivot this year to something like that. but Basically, you're goingnna I'm just going to have to describe the pictures to you. ok Okay? Okay.
00:08:43
Speaker
So imagine, again, you're a guidance counselor at Hogwarts, or a Hogwarts only guidance counselor, whatever that means. Zoom in on a picturesque castle with a nice pink sky. It's very medieval. I mean, you probably see this shit in your daily life in England. This is not shit we see in America, but you I know you are very familiar with the Harry Potter world, so I think you know what I'm looking at. It's effectively a picture of Hogwarts.
00:09:10
Speaker
Okay cool, I'll mid. Caption, we're getting started now. Wow. Another day is dawning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The UK's top-ranked secret magic pool where sometimes a kid will die and everyone just rolls with it.
00:09:27
Speaker
still wow yeah but kill me Okay, moving forward, picture of the Great Hall, you know, where they eat their food and get sorted and there's that like kind of stage with the professor's table and stuff and rows of other tables. In the Great Hall, the flickering glow of a thousand enchanted candles illuminates the goblins, custodians as they scrape as they scrape up the absolute carpet of last night's chicken scraps, pocketing some for later. In their studies, venerable professors of enchantment and spellcraft have sweat-soaked robes over their awful bodies and quaff their mourning vials of Griffin's blood to help them with their groin problems.
00:10:09
Speaker
god In the cellar, ancient stones quiver and groan as some kind of fucking demon shows up for no reason. ye And in the parking lot, you're having a panic attack in your car.
00:10:24
Speaker
Okay, it's passing. You're a Hogwarts only guidance counselor and this happens to you every morning because your job is a nightmare. Oh, God. Thanks to the unholy powers they manifested before they knew the word puberty, the magical children in your care have no emotional vocabulary and zero coping skills. Standard, yeah. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to help them sort out their lives, but their eyes completely glaze over at any problems they can't unzip with purple lightning. Right. One time you attempted to tell a kid he should try exercising, and he turned your appendix into a cactus. What a wanker.
00:11:07
Speaker
Yes, please. I'll try to pause so you can react, but yes, this is what I'm looking for. Very natural reaction to you being in this role. Yes, okay. Also, you get no benefits and sometimes they pay you in dried lizard parts. Hey, come on Dumbledore, sort your life out. so In addition to this, you might want to start thinking about unionizing.
00:11:32
Speaker
Yeah, I will. Okay. So the prompt says, start your day. And that's it. So I'm going to just go ahead and choose that for you, unless you want to stay in your car, in which case then we're done.
00:11:43
Speaker
Now I'll start my day. Okay. All right, we're looking at a picture of a grand staircase. I think this is maybe one where we saw Emma Watson's character come down during that dance or whatever, and she looks so, it's like the first time id ever anyone realizes she's pretty. Yep. She's brushed her hair. Yeah, wearing a dress. Maybe wearing a little lipstick on that pale, pale face of hers. You make your way up to your musty little office in the Hubley Grundlethwaite memorial spire.
00:12:15
Speaker
It's named for your predecessor, who got pulled in half when some Ravenclaw tied him to two brooms and sent him flying in opposite directions. They never found his top. God, this sounds awful. It was either this or business school. That's kind of where you were at. I don't remember Hogwarts being this violent. They really watered it down for audience consumption, I think. But typical Hogwarts lore, I think, is more akin to the real grim fairy tales that are actually super dark. Yeah, probably.
00:12:51
Speaker
On your way up the stairs, you pass a pair of students taking turns ripping each other's souls part ways out of their bodies and then shoving them back in. as you do The latest school fad that seniors claim gets you high. Their noses are both bleeding freely onto the carpet. One of the nearby enchanted paintings begs you to lick it. It takes 45 minutes to get there because the stairs keep fucking spinning. Those fucking stairs. Well, nightmare. Shall we get settled in? Yes.
00:13:22
Speaker
um We got some choices coming up soon. Finally, you toss your briefcase onto the couch and sink into your desk chair. Sensing your presence, the enchanted portrait of Hubley Grundlethrate on your wall starts back up screaming at you to tell you how he died, as it does every morning, but it's blessedly muffled by the extra thick towel you've tossed over it. Yeah, I'm so sick of that guy's shit, honestly. Just every morning. right Yeah, yeah, we can't find your top. Get the fuck over it.
00:13:53
Speaker
Okay, this half hour before your first appointments is by far the best part of your day. How will you spend it? You can either go over your schedule or do some magic. I want to do some magic. I thought you might.
00:14:09
Speaker
Okay. Do you really think you'd be a guidance counselor if you were any good at magic?
00:14:18
Speaker
No. Unfortunately, you graduated near the bottom of your class from Mr. Salamander Eaters Remedial Trade Academy for Barely Magic Androgens, just ahead of Belial Goose Hips, now a rare lizard farmer. And just behind Capricorn Montenegro recently got turned into a permanent baby.
00:14:41
Speaker
You're roughly as magical as a very lucky rooster. Sounds about right. But because you know that magic exists, the mandatory non-disclosure agreement you were forced to sign as a tiny child prohibits you from ever holding any secular job. Otherwise you'll be magically sued by the secret government and or have all your memories repossessed. That said, you do know one spell. Do you want to cast it? Yeah.
00:15:08
Speaker
Okay. It's a picture of a wand with some jizz with some jizz. Now repeat after me. Plopam pepperonis. Plopam pepperonis. You cry and cast the spell that conjures a single loose nipple.
00:15:26
Speaker
My nipple or just a random nipple? It's just a single loose nipple. um And with a flash and a squish, a brand new individual nipple peers over your desk and flops onto the wood with a deli sound. This one seems male, but it's hard to say. Right. Cool. ah Okay. What do I do with the nipple? Well, you have the option to get rid of the nipple. Would you like to? Yes, please. Is it making you uncomfortable? Yes, very uncomfortable with the nipple on my desk. Yep. Fair enough.
00:15:56
Speaker
You gingerly peel the nipple off your desk and put it in a drawer with the rest. No way in hell you're going to get the reputation as a faculty member with a trash can full of nipples. Why am I doing this spell over and over again that I got a drawer full of nipples?
00:16:12
Speaker
And it is a picture of a drawer full of nipples. Well, five nipples anyways, of varying shape sizes and nipple-y bits. I mean, and if anything, folks, nipples come in all different she shapes and sizes. But at this point, you're so good at the spell, you can cast it in your sleep. And sometimes you do. You still got a little more time before your day starts. So I guess you can go over your schedule. Okay. I'll go over my schedule. Thanks. Close the drawer of nipples and pull out your book.
00:16:42
Speaker
All right, looks like you've got four appointment appointments on your DACA today, four mandatory counseling sessions with hormones, swollen prep school teenagers, their egos throbbing with the power of young gods, who will ignore everything you say, stare at your glassy, stare at you glassy eyed as they imagine bending you to their will with sorcery, or at least blinding you, another useless day, pretty long lunch though. And your schedule options are, I'm gonna read you the names. Comely Butterbreath, who is a Hufflepuff.
00:17:13
Speaker
Spigot Saltimbocca, who is a Slytherin. Copernica Gumpt. What house do you think she's in, or they are in? Ravenclaw. Good job. And then Ronald Weasley, who is famously known. No, no, yes. And your options are Ugg, shit, or fuck this. Shit. OK.
00:17:40
Speaker
You know what? It's time to change your life. You read a very persuasive Chipotle book last night and that's what it said. You must change your life. The pictures of this going like this. You're tired of bunting. Today you're going to hit a home run or do the best thing you can do in Quidditch. You're going to scribble the big screamer or whatever. Today's the day you finally make a difference in these kids' lives. Today's the day you finally break them out of their charmed autopilots and get them to seize the broom handle of their own destinies.
00:18:09
Speaker
Whoa, so empowered right now. Today's the day you finally fucking convince a single Hogwarts student to even consider going to college. Okay. I didn't know there was a wizard in college. Well, maybe we'll learn more about that today. Okay. Your options are, yes, it's time to start living. Bring on the children. Those are your three options.
00:18:34
Speaker
Oh, I thought that was one one option. Nope. Yes is one. It's time to start living is another and bring on the children is the third. number Number two, please. It's time to start living. It's time to start living, baby. Okay. You whoop and holler at your desk for a while and become very lightheaded. Behind the towel, the enchanted painting whoops along with you. You forced back the thought that it might be your one friend here.
00:19:02
Speaker
Maybe. Someone's knocking at the door. This must be your first appointment. Cumbly, cumbly butter breath.
Whimsical Student Interactions at Hogwarts
00:19:10
Speaker
Do you say enter, behold, or do you try to magically open the door? I'm just going to say enter. I don't want more nipples. OK, could you yell enter because it's all caps with an exclamation point? Enter. Good.
00:19:31
Speaker
So it's a picture of a little girl and a witch's hat and striped pink so stockings and, and red boots. I'm going to go ahead and send you a picture of this for your reaction. Just so you can visualize. Cumbly butter breath. What an unfortunate name. imagine Yeah. All right. Incoming to you. It's just not Cumbra though. Yeah. Right. Um, that might be your nickname. Tell me your reaction to her. Oh, she looks, um,
00:20:00
Speaker
gap-toothed? What I'm looking for. Yeah, gap-toothed. She looks like sort of pippy long stockings with a witch hat. Not gonna lie, she looks annoying. Yep. Hiya, chirps comely, plopping down on one of your enchanted armchairs, the one that tells lies about Tony Blair for money.
00:20:21
Speaker
Did you know that Tony Blair once spec spent 68,000 pounds on imported snow because his wife insisted it melts faster if you bury it and refused to get out from under her car until he proved it? Says the armchair. Anyway, if you liked it, I have a Patreon with a lot of great incentives for subscribers. Definitely check it out.
00:20:42
Speaker
Okay, so you have three options to engage with Comely. You can say, tell me about yourself, Comely. Or you can say, how are you liking Hogwarts? Or you can say, what do you want to do with your life? Um, option number one, tell me about yourself, Comely. Good. I think that's a nice way to build some rapport with this annoying child. I was thinking, yeah.
00:21:07
Speaker
Okay, so this apparently gets Comely real excited because here's how she looks now. And while you look at that. What? Okay, she's kind of coming together hands on her knees. Probably not something a young girl should do, to be honest.
00:21:28
Speaker
Nope. Kind of a gummy smile or something. I don't know. Or maybe she's like hissing like a cat. like Oh yeah, maybe she's not that excited. But she does tell you about herself as you've asked. Cool. She says, Oh, I don't know. I'm just your average Hogwarts student. I'm from a small oil rig off the coast of Dunfordham on top of another Dunfordham and my parents sell counterfeit newspapers.
00:21:56
Speaker
She goes on to say, My favorite class is which animals is it okay to boil alive in pursuit of sorcerer powers with professors Professor Kennedy Shriver because he makes boiling certain animals alive fun. My least favorite class is just two potions with Professor Poorm because that's not enough.
00:22:15
Speaker
Okay, she continues. My best friend is a living rosebush in the school woods that's guarded by a gigantic seagull you'll have to trick into eating its own beak. I have a crush on Albert Mephistopheles.
00:22:29
Speaker
Even the Dumbledore turned his head into a mannequin head as punishment for smelling too much like one of his dead friends.
00:22:38
Speaker
My favorite food is fettuccine alfredo eaten out of my mother's cupped hands. And my favorite spell to cast is one that summons most of a cowboy. Right. Just like you thought, she's a stereotypical Hufflepuff. Next question. How are you liking Hogwarts? What do you want to do with your life? How are you liking Hogwarts? so
00:23:10
Speaker
Same pose, just so you know. Oh, I absolutely love it here. Hogwarts is the greatest place on earth, and everyone is so nice. Whoa. That's what she said. It went dark.
00:23:23
Speaker
I still remember on my very first day here, a girl walked right up to me and said, I'm Lucretia Asobuco. Do you want to see how time began? Then she cast a spell to open a portal till the beginning of time where together we watched God get the idea for time from reading Sports Illustrated's annual What Time Is It issue? After that, we were fast friends until she went through a very rapid growth spurt and got permanently wedged in one of the bathroom stalls.
00:23:52
Speaker
You can go back to tell me about yourself, Cumbly, or what do you want to do with your life? right what do What do you want to do with your life, Cumbly? Come on. All right. Go ahead and give me your reaction to this.
00:24:12
Speaker
In response to that question, she so she's She's holding a carved pumpkin and grinning at me. She proceeds to say, that's easy. I want to live deep in the woods, seduce younger men and then shrink them down to the size of crickets and trap them in a the spooky squash. it'll be too zero I feel that actually that resonates with me. She says, it'll be sort of like a terrarium for boys. I'll feed them corn kernels.
00:24:44
Speaker
Okay. Sounds interesting. I like where your thinking is heading. Well, you can't say that as a guidance counselor because you need her to go to college, right? So yeah you're feeling like this is in fact, oh no, bad start is what it says. Oh, I forgot I was a counselor. Your follow-up question options are one, how will you make money?
00:25:10
Speaker
Two, do you think you'll find that fulfilling? Three, won't they be able to get out of the top because the squashes open and at the top? Yeah. um Do you think you'll find that fulfilling? Yes, I think she will. I mean, given this next picture or response from her,
00:25:33
Speaker
somehow here procured more squash. Where is she keeping all of these?
00:25:41
Speaker
She loves the squash. hu She says, of course I will. Cumbly's eyes are glittering like two CDs sparkling in a microwave. That's good. If I ever get tired of hunting for younger men to make army man-sized,
00:25:53
Speaker
make for younger men to make army man-sized I'll just start playing God to my tiny boy gourd society. I'll blast Lupe Fiasco until the base shakes their tiny pumpkin seed huts apart and make them start over from scratch. Or I'll shrink a lady down and force them to compete for her affection like a tiny pumpkin-themed season of The Bachelorette.
00:26:13
Speaker
This girl's brain is worrying. Well, and your only follow-up question to that is a reasonable one, which is, how will you make money? How will yeah how will you make money, Cumbly?
00:26:28
Speaker
Oh, I'm already very wealthy. She's sitting on the floor now with the squash between her going. Okay. I'm already very wealthy. Last year I came up with a potion that sends you into blissful, tranquil, tranquil, dreamless sleep. You can take a smaller dose just to feel a gentle, long lasting euphoria. I call it Cumbly's Brain Glop.
00:26:51
Speaker
Shit name, but I'm interested. It turns out it's actually super addictive too, so I've been cooking up huge quantities of it in the potions lab, shipping it all over the wizarding world and turning a massive profit. Then I invest that in gold and trick Hagrid into swallowing it for safekeeping.
00:27:07
Speaker
So we've got fucking wizard meth cooker. Well, your response actually is, that sounds like heroin. Yes. And she says, yes.
00:27:24
Speaker
Your prompt to choose is, well, have you thought at all about college, Cumbly? Well, have you thought at all about college, Cumbly? Okay, this one's got quite a few options, just FYI. Comely says, if I have, someone must have pulled the idea out of my mind and trapped it in some kind of magic music box. That happens a lot here. What's college?
00:27:50
Speaker
Now's your time to shine. okay Here are your options. Option one, college is a very expensive way to meet men named Bryant, and then much later find out they died climbing on top of a subway car. Okay.
00:28:02
Speaker
Option two, college is where you stock up on all the experiences your young brain needs to make nightmares for the rest of your life. Option three, college is where you go to lose your mouth virginity to a dancer.
00:28:16
Speaker
ah Option four, college is where you learn one thing pretty well and then spend the rest of your life figuring out if anybody wants to talk about it. And finally, college is what risky business is all about.
00:28:32
Speaker
Oh, I think the movie because it's in quotes and capitalized. Oh, okay. Okay. Um, sorry, can you give them to me again? Yes. Option one, college is very expensive way to meet men named Bryant. Much later, find out he died climbing on top of a subway car to colleges where you stock up on all the experiences your young brain needs to make nightmares for the rest of your life. Three college is where you go to lose your mouth virginity to a dancer.
00:28:58
Speaker
Four, college is where you want learn one thing pretty well, and then spend the rest of your life figuring out if anybody wants to talk about it, and then risky business. I'm going to go with number two, where you make your nightmares come true. Got it. Oh, I don't know. She looks a little skeptical, but but says, huh, that doesn't sound appealing at all. Will I learn a bunch of new cool new spells at college, like one that melts someone's teeth together into one big tooth?
00:29:27
Speaker
Yes. That is an app that is an option. Yes, definitely will. Four, there are four options. The first one being no, but you'll learn all about literature or even French literature. Two, no, but you'll make lifelong friends you can grow up alongside. Three, no, but you can expand your consciousness with drugs. And four, yes. Yes.
00:29:59
Speaker
She says, it's obvious you're lying. There are an eight tattoo on your neck that says, liar is gro glowing. She's right. She found your tell for the umpteenth time you curse your mother's unconventional parenting style. Fuck's sake, mother. Why would you lie to me like that? Why would you lie to a child? You're a faculty member and you'd lie to a child just like that? yeah Your option is to say, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to help.
00:30:29
Speaker
Uh, I'm, I'm so sorry. Well, it's all one so it's one. So sorry. I just wanted to help. Yeah. I don't think this college is for me. I'll stick to trapping shrunk boys in my old lantern in the woods. Thank you very much. Well, I've got to get to class. Have a great day. A truly great day. And comely proceeds to flounce out of your office, leaving you alone with your failure.
00:30:55
Speaker
for I'm Tony Blair himself, says the enchanted chair. ah Forgot he was there. Yeah, I forgot about Tony Blair, the chair. You can even either sigh, howl, or howl sigh. I want to howl sigh. Care to demonstrate what that's like?
00:31:19
Speaker
Now that there's less air in your body, you feel a little bit better. You beefed it with comely. That's for sure. But you still got three more chances to get it right. Might have to adjust your tactics though. Plus a nice long lunch break. Yay. You've got a little bit more time before your appointment with spigot, salt, and baka. What do you want to do? Run to the bathroom, learn a new spell or sit motionless and try to stop your heart. ah Learn a new spell.
00:31:51
Speaker
If there's one thing you learn from your one free consultation session with a life coach, it's that it's never too late to learn new skills. the ah The other thing you learned was that life coaches are both super expensive despite definitely doing worse in their lives than you are. It was a very helpful session. yeah With a grunt, you heave your barely used copy of the dullard's tome of spells that probably won't kill you but might onto your desk. Cool. Open to a random spell.
00:32:22
Speaker
The first spell you see is Tautinus, fold them up. When performed correctly, the spell instantly converts a single pizza into a calzone and vice versa. If performed incorrectly, the spell's caster's skin may switch places with their skeleton or vice versa. Oh, that's quite risky. yeah I really like pizza, so that is good spell, but I need my skin. I agree, and I think the other issue is like it doesn't appear you have a pizza in this moment.
00:32:51
Speaker
That's true. Yeah. Didn't even think of that. I mean, maybe you do. I don't think you do though. I usually do have a pizza quite nearby. Yeah. Um, but not today. Yeah, not today. So yeah yikes. This one looks maybe a little heavy dutier than you want. Uh, so let's flip to a different page. Shall we? Yes. The next spell is omnibus inflagrado. Ooh.
00:33:18
Speaker
Care to guess what this one does? omnibus in I feel like it's going to set something on fire. Good job. Thank you. When performed correctly, the spell creates a massive pillar, an absolutely massive pillar of fire that ignites the Earth's atmosphere. Oh, fuck. If performed incorrectly, the spell will create an absolutely massive pillar of fire that ignites the Earth's atmosphere.
00:33:45
Speaker
OK, cool. So I can't really go wrong. Mm hmm. OK, so you'll definitely learn some new magic at some point, but maybe now is not the time. Good on you for trying, though. Thank you. Appreciate it. God loves to try. There's a firm, meaty knock at your door. This must be spigot.
00:34:06
Speaker
Enter. Oh, say that again. Enter. Just a sec. For a couple of quid, I'll tell you why Tony Blair sleeps inside a shellicked beaver dam, says the enchanted chair. Cool, cool, cool. Thanks, Tony. You can say, come on in or behold in all caps. Behold. I didn't realize behold was like an enter. Yeah. Command. Yeah, me neither. Okay.
00:34:34
Speaker
Hey, um, I'm here for my appointment. Loving these characters by the way, Kay. Your reaction is to think, Jesus, what the hell? This guy seems way too grown up to be a Hogwarts student and he smells like an Amtrak hot dog. Uh, Amtrak is our version of a train, like company, kind of like British rail, I think. Gotcha.
00:34:59
Speaker
And naturally, your first question is, are you really spigot, Sultan Baka? Are you really spigot, Sultan Baka? Uh-huh. You can ask, aren't you a little old for a Hogwarts student? Yeah, go for it. Yeah, I got held back a bunch.
00:35:20
Speaker
Spigot settles into the enchanted armchair with a grunt. Up close, the hot dog smell is overpowering, and underneath it, you catch whiffs of what you're pretty sure is amber cro Abercrombie Fierce Cologne, the one with the hunk torso on the bottle. It's losing the battle with the hot dog smell. you This guy's not going to get a college is he? Probably not if he got held back a bunch, but you know you're going to try anyway. All right. I'll try anyway. Based on what he said about getting held back a bunch, you know it's natural that you maybe want to explore that. Do you want to ask him why?
00:35:51
Speaker
No, I don't care. Are we just going to stop then? Oh, I thought there were options. Yeah. Nope. Some of these are just, you don't really have an option. Oh, okay. Yeah, fine. Yeah. I'll ask him what happened. Okay. This one does have options, just so you know. Oh, sure. First time was because my grades were so bad. Next time is because I pranked Snape by switching his medicine with rare fish eggs and actually got him desperately addicted to expensive rare fish eggs.
00:36:19
Speaker
Then there were a bunch of years where a dark wizard had me trapped in the same looping minute, so I kept getting marked absent and having to do the year over again. Jokes on them, though, because I got to eat a totally good hot dog like a billion times. Oh, that's why you smell of hot dogs. But after that, classes didn't seem so important, and all my friends graduated, so I had been seeing if I could steal a teacher's glass eye. I haven't pulled it off yet, because none of the eyes I've gotten close to have turned out to be glass. They hold me back every time they catch me doing it, which was every time.
00:36:48
Speaker
I figure it's got to happen soon enough though. Law of averages and shit. yeah Yeah, you know. So you can ask him or say to him, you must be pretty great at magic by now. That's one. Two is, do you even like Hogwarts at this point? And three is, do you have any plan for when you graduate?
00:37:09
Speaker
ah Let's go for, you must be pretty great at magic by now. He's going to say no, isn't he? He says, oh, for sure. I'm probably the most powerful wizard in the UK at this point. I can cast all forbidden spells. The one that turns someone permanently Lebanese, the one that grows gathers all the world's ants in one spot, even one that braids three people together. Well, that's great. Human centipede.
00:37:38
Speaker
ah Would you mind keeping that quiet though? I think Dumbledore would have me killed if you found out. I'm pretty sure I'm technically a weapon of mass destruction.
00:37:48
Speaker
Sure, sure, sure, sure. So your remaining two options are, do you even like Hogwarts at this point? Or do you have any plans for when you graduate? Do you have any plans for when you graduate? Kept the chase, I like it.
00:38:03
Speaker
Oh yeah, I'm all set. Got a sweet gig lined up with Hagrid. The school only pays him in big, roast turkey legs, so he's been supplementing his income, selling magical animal organs to Brazilian heathenists. They use them for delicacies or powders or maybe rituals. we We don't really ask. But if there's one thing you need when you're extracting magic animal organs to sell to Brazilians, it's ditches. Lots of ditches.
00:38:28
Speaker
stuff goes everywhere if you don't have a good ditch for it. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's ditch digging thanks to my barbarian physique. So to answer your question, I'm gonna dig ditches for Hagrid to put organs into. He's gonna pay me in turkey legs.
00:38:49
Speaker
Dumbfounded, you remind yourself of what your goal here is today, and you may ask him, and it is your only option. Have you considered going to college? Yeah, ah yeah that was going to be my next question. Have you considered going to college? See, you know your job well. I know what I'm doing. Me at college? Yeah. Jeez. I don't know. I hadn't really planned my life any further than dick digging ditches for turkey legs.
00:39:17
Speaker
Do you think going to college could help me achieve my dream? Yeah. What dream do you think he's talking about? and What dream is he talking about? What's that you ask? What's that I ask?
00:39:34
Speaker
I want to be the first wizard in history to cast a spell on the Queen that makes her puke out tadpoles on live TV during your Jubilee. I think it'd be funny, and maybe she'd shout something like, I can't believe all these tadpoles. I can't believe all these tadpoles.
00:39:50
Speaker
People could do remixes. Will college help with that? You have three options here. You could say, uh, sure. You could say, it just might, or you could just smile silently. It just might.
00:40:09
Speaker
You squeeze out something non-committal and fake a cough to keep Spigot from seeing the faint glowing of your liar tattoo. who He says, well, no, you had my attention. Well, you had my attention, but no, you have my interest. Or you have both my, I don't know how that one goes. Tell me more about college. I've gotten hooked. You can say,
00:40:34
Speaker
One option, I could tell you, or I could show you. Oh, I like it. What am I showing him? We're getting there. Whoa, you do that for me? Show me a college for me? I'm Spigot, and you do that for me?
00:40:59
Speaker
Gemma, it's working. He seems genuinely excited. Your heart leaps with something you haven't felt since the day firefighters freed you from your padlock, your ex put on your shower. And that is hope.
00:41:12
Speaker
Can you teleport us to a college? He asks. Oh no, I'm not very good at magic.
00:41:20
Speaker
You say, sure, I can. This is so exciting. No one at Hogwarts has ever believed in me before, except for Hagrid, but only because of my bulging biceps and Rogas trink... Oh, wait, no. He says that's never my time. Sorry, I got confused. Sure, I can. This is so exciting. Because you ask him if he can teleport. Anyway. um No one at Hogwarts has ever believed in me before, except for Hagrid, but only because of my bulging biceps and Rogas twinkle in my eye.
00:41:47
Speaker
You, before he does this, plug good college into Google Maps and point to where it comes up. From his pocket, Spigot produces a strand of leaping linguine and the two of you start slurping from either end. When your lips touch, there's a flash and a sharp scent of roast basil and you're somewhere else.
00:42:05
Speaker
All right. Where do you think you end up? Uh, Lincolnshire. Is there a college there? I don't know. Probably. Well, wrong. No. Suddenly, you hear, hi, welcome to Princeton. My name is Constance, and I'm guessing you're by your sudden impossible materialization... materializ... materializ... Materialization. There we go. Materialization. That you're here for the tour.
00:42:33
Speaker
The world snaps around you into focus, towering old buildings crusted with photogenic vines. Sprawling quads were hoary titans of academia recline and tenderly guided co-eds hands out. They're tenderly, let me start over. Sprawling quads were hoary titans of academic recline and tenderly guide co-eds hands towards their tenure buttressed groins. Healthy, healthy breasted students of all genders and some races playing grab ass in the magnolia groves.
00:43:02
Speaker
Wow, it's a very sexual Ivy League, too. Yes, this is a college if you've ever seen one and you've only ever seen one, but that's enough to make a statement. Yeah. You and Spigot peel some residual pasta off yourselves and get presentable. You have two options, you can say. We're here for the tour or we're secret wizards from Brexit Island. Brexit Island. ah Yeah, we're here for the tour.
00:43:30
Speaker
Sure thing, says Constance, and breaks into what you can only describe as a backward sprint. Almost suddenly, she trips over a jetting stone, lands hard in her palms, and seamlessly starts scuttling like a four-limbed centipede for a bit before pulling herself upright midstride. This happens again and again throughout the tour. A little about me, she cries. I'm a sophomore trampoline major from New Connecticut, Connecticut, and my main activities are field hockey and the anti-field hockey gorilla battalion. and I'm currently under discipline review, disciplinary review for cowardice.
00:44:02
Speaker
You jog after her. You do your best to keep up with Constance, who finally pauses by a gorgeous residential building. This is Amanda's dorm. With the state of art amenity, central air conditioning, easy to access academic building, it's no wonder prince every Princeton student wishes they were Amanda, living by herself in this cavernous dorm complex built entirely for her. They say Amanda drags her mattress to a different room every night, but since no one's allowed in, no one knows for sure.
00:44:32
Speaker
You may ask, what happens when Amanda graduates? Would you like to? Yes, please. Oh, they'll never let her. Not until she pays off the cost of that dorm and that'll take centuries. Constance then sprints scuttles off to the next door stop. So you chase after her. Okay. Oh God, this is getting a little boring.
00:44:56
Speaker
there are Okay, moving forward, we're just gonna power through. Keep going. Sorry, what was that? I just said, keep going. Okay. Over there is a prospective student shanty town. As I'm sure you know, Princeton admissions are extremely competitive. It's important for our admissions officer that applicants be not just outstanding scholars, but truly dedicated to the university. We couldn't be more thrilled that our most enterprising applicants start taking it upon themselves to camp out at the edge of campus to prove their commitment. What started as a scant few shacks has now so
00:45:26
Speaker
grown into a sprawling village of high schoolers who barter, fight for scraps, and brave the wild dogs for a slim chance of getting an acceptance letter. At this point, if you don't live in the shanty town, you've got no shot at Princeton. Princeton's an Ivy League school, so like some of this is not fully inaccurate. I mean, obviously it's not true, but it is hard to get into school. That's just as an aside. As you watch a pack of haggard dogs drag a kid in a filthy cardigan screaming into a nearby wood, hmm.
00:45:56
Speaker
Spigot seems bored and disengaged. Hopefully the tour pikes his interest soon so you can finally get a Hogwarts student to go to college for goddamn once. Yeah. You continue the tour. This is our brand new, totally state of the art, primate behavior research lab. It's the most advanced lab of its kind in the country, if not the world. The apes look over almost immediately. It's theirs now. We don't go in there anymore. Oh, they took over almost immediately and they don't go in there anymore. It belongs to the apes now.
00:46:24
Speaker
You continue to follow constants. This is the matt math pit where most math comes from. Digging for math is backbreaking thirsty work. Ooh, what does this sound like?
00:46:38
Speaker
ah Bitcoin mining. Well, but also who has an interest in digging things? Well, yeah, exactly. Speak of whatever his name is. Yep. Digging for math is back baking thirsty work. Every day men go in and fewer come out, but there's something at the bottom of that pit. Something big and old, very old. It's waiting for us.
00:46:58
Speaker
Can you feel it? It drives us on. It wants to be found, dug up, to rejoin this world, to unfurl every part of itself and raise up its terrible cry to shake the spine of God in heaven. We will unearth it. Soon.
00:47:11
Speaker
die soon done we must we We must, we must, we must. Constance then wipes some blood from her nose and hustles on. Suddenly you realized you've totally lost track of Spigot. He's nowhere to be found. Oh fuck. Do you want to continue the tour or do you want to look for Spigot? I'll look for Spigot. There's no reason I'm fucking here.
00:47:34
Speaker
Leaving Constance to continue the tour for nobody, you sprint across campus, crying Spigot's name and occasionally your own name for variety. Why not? Yeah, why not?
00:47:44
Speaker
You run past a gang of hooting burly boys in a denticle tank top, taking turns slurping preserves out of each other's stubble. Oh. One image. A bunch of crunchy o-types sitting serenely around acoustic gar the guitar that's lying there on the grass. Just lying there. And a weathered guy with a fucking unbelievable physique in a rumpled old Wizards uniform playing a lawn game. Wait a minute.
00:48:12
Speaker
Yep. It's spigot. He's playing cornhole with a couple of kids and head to toe, head to toe seer sucker. His eyes are riveted to the game with the feverish intensity that frankly kind of freaks you out. And he's also very bad at it. Do you know what cornhole is? Nope. It's this game where there's like two boards that are on like kind of like inclined um with the hole in the middle and you have to throw bags into the hole. but Oh yeah. I've seen that. Yeah. Yeah.
00:48:37
Speaker
You only can think of to ask, what the hell Spigot? And so I make you. Yes, thank you. I'm sorry. He rasps his voice weirdly flat, like when you ask mom the wrong question about dad.
00:48:53
Speaker
His devil may care swagger is gone and he doesn't even look up at you instead just staring Fixably at the opposite hole. I saw these guys playing this game and I had to try it I don't know why I just got to get the beanbag in the hole. I've got to keep trying I have to At this point you're thinking We got to go back to Hogwarts. Yeah, you say as much He's resistant he says No, you go. Not me. I have to stay here. I have to keep playing. I think I'm addicted. Years without purpose and suddenly everything snaps into place. The bag. The whole. It's my whole world now. My whole with an H world. Well, my job here is done. I mean, I feel like you've accomplished your goal. Yeah. He laughs joyously and heaves a beanbag. It goes way wide.
00:49:51
Speaker
He turns to you and says, take this leaping linguine and go. Don't try to take me with you or I'll turn your blood into hair. All right. You have two options here. Knowing what your goal is, but also keeping in mind what your job is, you can either slurp the linguine or tackle spigot. I'm going to slurp the linguine. Bye, spigot. Grudgingly, you accept the insorcelled pasta. That didn't go great.
00:50:21
Speaker
You accidentally got a student completely addicted to cornhole. You didn't even get to see a statute of Einstein or anything. but yeah Well, all ages I mean, that's how I feel. Oh, well, no one will probably even notice spigots gone except for maybe Hagrid. But at this point, Hagrid knows if he reports a student missing, everyone will assume it's his fault. yeah And at least you got a student to a college. yeah That's a step in the right direction. I'm taking it as a win.
00:50:47
Speaker
So you smear some lipstick around your thumb and forefinger, feed one m end of the leaping linguine between them and start slurping and poof, you're back to your office. And I think just for timing sake.
00:50:58
Speaker
We will carry on another time. and two Because you've got two more appointments. yeah This could be a three hour episode if we carry on. I didn't realize it'd be that long. But how did you feel about that? It was good fun. OK, so part two, maybe one day. Just remember that we are leaving off with you leaving Spigot at Princeton. Yeah. Fully addicted to cornhole. You slurped his noodle and ended a back up at Hogwarts.
00:51:28
Speaker
i did not slurp his noodle okay i mean you did i did it's just what it implies i don't you know
00:51:38
Speaker
Well, that was good. Sorry, I just cook. You're like, I dissociated because this was so boring. I'm sorry if that was boring. I was hoping it'd be more amusing, but I have hope in these choose your adventure games and maybe we'll even make my own one day for you to go through. If anyone has any ideas about what they would like to see as the plot of a choose your own adventure game for Gemma. You know what to do. it's way Write it in. T-S-Y-B pod. Talk shit to us at gmail dot.com. Oh yeah, that's it. Should we rap with a... M-I-T-S-O. You know I am, baby. baby
00:52:28
Speaker
Okay.
00:52:34
Speaker
Okay, okay.
Bizarre 'Am I the Asshole?' Story
00:52:36
Speaker
My husband admitted he was chewing his dead footskin while we were about to get it on and now I never want to be intimate again. Am I the asshole? Oh my god!
00:52:52
Speaker
That's even more disgusting than the image I had of the frat boys drinking jam out of their beards. but murder her was Okay, the title is it all. We were snuggling and started to get intimate and I felt his jaw munching on something over and over. I couldn't focus on what we were about to do. And I finally blurted out, what are you eating? He said, you don't want to know. And like, I can't explain it, but I somehow instantly knew.
00:53:21
Speaker
I had found a pile of dead skin on a few different occasions on the dresser and I've walked in on him exfoliating his feet aggressively on our bed with flakes flying everywhere. I responded with, oh no. And that's when he confirmed that he was chewing on a piece of dead skin from his foot. This is making me gag. Like actual gagging. I'm not faking it that get actual,
00:53:49
Speaker
so okay okay nearly done not only that but he admitted that this has been a habit of his for a while now i've made out with this man i cannot i cannot accept this reality i cannot believe this is happening oh no me neither like trying to self-soothe by rocking back and forth
00:54:16
Speaker
Do you know what it reminds me of? ah Have you seen a gold member? Oh, yes. three a skin yeah that's a Oh, Oh, God.
00:54:31
Speaker
Is that it? Is that the end issue? I mean, I feel like she didn't even need to ask this question. I so repulsed that I feel like like I don't know if I can actually continue with your life. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay, get it together.
00:55:01
Speaker
No, I don't think she's the asshole in this instance because that is um unhygienic and and and upsetting and disturbing. What if his feet are clean? <unk>t I don't think it makes a difference. No? No. Okay, well does this make a difference that apparently this is an anxiety disorder and someone has linked to healthline dot.com and it's called autocannibalism.
00:55:34
Speaker
I mean, it provides some insight into why, which makes it, and I feel like is helpful because like it's hard to envision why like someone who does that and like and for any rational basis, right it's still very upsetting. And I think if we focus on the premises, if she's an asshole for not wanting to be physically intimate with him or feeling like she can't be because of it, like she's allowed to have a natural reaction to his yeah I guess, behaviours that stem from his mood disorder.
00:56:14
Speaker
It also, I think, depends on, like, what is other hygiene. It's like... no I have a thing, I really hate seeing other people's toenail clippings, but I really hate it. Even though we all have toenails, I clip my own toenails, but seeing someone else's, I'm like,
00:56:35
Speaker
There is, I can't remember what this is from now. After all these years, though, I think about it often, there was a TV show or a movie where one character was like clipping their toenails and the other character, who I think was a roommate, was like, could you vacuum those up? Those things are creepy to step on. oh And I was kind of like, I mean, that is, ah I think, a good summation of ah reason why toenail clippings are kind of gross. Yeah. Yeah.
00:57:01
Speaker
So yeah, I feel the same way about that. Um, and it's sure like, let's say her husband does have anxiety issues and this disorder of auto cannibalism. And this is like, you know, but again, it's kind of like, until you do something to maybe treat those issues, like it impacts me. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to eat.
00:57:30
Speaker
yeah I mean, eat your foot skin in your own space. You know, do what you need to do. Like he could have just been super private about it and she would have never known, you know, the fact that ah she learned about it, like when they were starting to get intimate. I imagine it's really hard to like separate the two now. Yeah. It's kind of like a trigger hearing a noise of like that maybe during a traumatic event. you It's so hard to undo.
00:57:59
Speaker
ah Best comments. Tell him that's how people get athletes' mouth. Is that a real thing? I don't know how athletes feel, I guess. Next comment. Hoof and mouth disease.
00:58:19
Speaker
Leave it to Reddit to make something so horrible and cringy funny.
00:58:31
Speaker
oh I mean, okay. Put yourself in this person's shoes. Think about it with Alan. No. How would you respond to this? No, no, I won't. No, I just won't simply go there. Okay, just a partner. It doesn't have to be Alan. My first reaction would be, what the fuck? Can you not? It's fucking gross.
00:59:01
Speaker
And also followed up with why. And how long? Why and how long? When did you last shower? um Do you have varicose?
00:59:16
Speaker
And can you understand why this is really difficult for me? Yes. Do you understand what's just happened?
00:59:28
Speaker
Oh, that poor person. Uh, poor girl. Oh, they. Yeah, i I didn't catch if you said it was female or not. hence No, I didn't say. Yeah, neutralizing of it. But, um, yeah. Well, on that note, nipples, foot skin, and linguine.
00:59:52
Speaker
Nipples, foot skin, i'm just writing that down. episode title done coin so yeah we are back with a bang clearly um i'm sorry if anyone's eating maybe i should put a disclaimer at the top so trigger warning maybe don't eat well you listen to this episode yeah that's a good idea probably a good idea hey and you know what if anyone has experience with this directly or indirectly maybe not the foot skin but like auto cannibalism
01:00:27
Speaker
Again, i i like I get this. like I do understand that this might be something that's a condition or something that is just like psychologically based. and I can have empathy there, but I still think about like how that impacts other people and like what is reasonable following that. so That's why I don't think this person's an asshole because like it's understandable even if this is a condition.
01:00:50
Speaker
you know yeah Of course, don't be a dick about it, but like have a ah conversation about how this has impacted you. Maybe therapy is necessary. Figure out a way to see if like you can create some positive experiences following this experience to help minimize that. But like i I understand.
01:01:08
Speaker
Yeah. like Is there any way you can self-soothe using another method? Yeah, like rocking. Yeah, exactly. Worked for me. Rocking back and forward, I don't know, tugging on your pubic hair, something doesn't ah affect other people. I mean, I suspect that anybody who maybe has like auto cannibalistic experiences or engages in that kind of behavior, ah the recommendation would be to get therapy.
01:01:39
Speaker
and perhaps medication because I don't think there's probably a realm where anybody would say, well, you know, that's a healthy coping skill. Don't worry about it. so so it's fine It's surprising though in the comments how many people have experienced people doing this.
01:01:56
Speaker
Yeah, I think hair eating is one that I've, like heard of about you know, I think nail biting even like, cause people talk about doing that, like anxious or nervous. I think technically that counts even if you aren't intentionally trying to eat your nails, but you do, I don't know. And I've seen people like in videos that are like um on public transport, like biting their own toe nails and stuff, which is also the good thing.
Future of the Podcast and Schedule Jokes
01:02:19
Speaker
Some things you just should do in private.
01:02:26
Speaker
Oh, well, look, it's fun to be back, guys. Thank you for listening. Um, we'll be back in your ear holes, possibly weekly, possibly biweekly. Who knows? You know, we'll figure that out. It's a surprise. Yeah. We're, we're into the surprise style podcasting where you get an episode, maybe get a few on a consistent basis and then we disappear for a while. Yeah.
01:02:55
Speaker
We are fucking with the algorithms, so. We don't want you to get too attached either. No, but talking of the algorithms, if you want to like, you know, follow, subscribe, recommend us to people you know, that'd be great. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Maybe tell them not to start with this episode. No, maybe. So they know it's not always this disgusting. yeah Hey, I've missed you. I've missed you too.
01:03:24
Speaker
It was good to see you. Me too. Talk and shit with you. Until next time. Until next time. Ta-ra! Ta-ta!