Transcript
Speaker: Welcome to Unboxed, Unburdened, Unstoppable.
Speaker: I'm Michelle Madrid, and in each episode, I'll be sitting down with guests who have dared to unlock their hidden truths, unburden themselves from life's toughest challenges, and step into their power as the hero of their own stories.
Speaker: I hope these conversations will inspire you to unbox your own journey, find your strength, and embrace the unstoppable within.
Speaker: So, let's dive in.
Speaker: Hi friends, I'm Michelle Madrid. Welcome to Unboxed, Unburdened, Unstoppable. And today I am coming to you raw and I'm coming to you ready to share a moment in my life, something that happened in inside my own household that I think you will likely relate to It's a situation that happened that led one of my kids to look at me and with a sharp tone say, i cannot wait to leave and move to Europe. I cannot wait to get out of here.
Speaker: And I got to say those words really hurt. And even when I woke up the next morning, I felt quite honestly, like I had an emotional hangover. If you know what I mean, I think this is something we don't talk about how hard it is to watch your kids become independent and become more and more hungry to leave you behind.
Speaker: We don't talk about this enough. And as much as we raise them to leave the nest, right? It doesn't mean that it's not hard to witness that pulling away, to experience that pushing back.
Speaker: And yeah, it's natural. It's normal. We did it too, right? But it seems like yesterday, when I think about this, I'm looking at a photo of my kid now. It seems like yesterday, I was the one that they came to, you know, after school to share what had gone on in their day.
Speaker: I was the one who was their best confidant. And now, Now they can't wait to move across the globe. Ow. Oof, that hurts.
Speaker: It's an owie, as I used to say to them when they were younger. It's a sting. It's a sting, and it leads to a sense of loneliness.
Speaker: And this is what I'm hearing from so many of you when you're reaching out to me, saying that you feel this this feeling of loneliness and you just don't know why you feel so lonely.
Speaker: And that's what I want to talk to you about today. That loneliness that we can feel as moms when they are getting ready to leave. You know, something happens in this midlife chapter, especially for those of us who have spent years mothering, where we're looking back and seeing all of the ways we used to be needed constantly.
Speaker: You know, there was a time, if you reflect back on raising your kids, where, you know, you were needed daily, moment to moment. Your voice was called out from every room in the house, it seems. Your hands were the ones that zipped up their jackets.
Speaker: You um wiped away their tears. You bandaged their scraped knees. And sometimes you did that all at the same time.
Speaker: We were the ones cleaning cleaning up their messes, right? We were there. We solved the messes. And now in the season of midlife, that rhythm is changing and that quiet can feel deafening because we're still needed, but not in the same way. It is different.
Speaker: And that space of different can feel really lonely.
Speaker: And we need to talk about it. We need to look at it. And let's be honest, as our kids grow and as they seek out their independence, sometimes we're met with resentment for being needed at all.
Speaker: Which leads me back to my story. And I'm going to fill in just a little more detail here for you. One of my kids, no names here, made a decision that caused some hurt. It was impulsive. It wasn't thought through and it impacted their sibling.
Speaker: And so I came to my kid, not in anger, but with love. And I said, I love you. And that is never, ever going to change. Right. I started with that. And then I added. Now, this decision that you made, this action that you took, it caused hurt. And there's some distrust that's been seeded due to this action.
Speaker: And this kind of hurt requires repair. And that means it requires an apology, a vulnerable apology. And beyond that, there is replenishing required of what was taken.
Speaker: Now, we've all done things that we're not proud of. This is true. I hold my hand up. I have done things that I'm not proud of in my life We've all made choices that weren't the healthiest choices for us, but it's how we rise up and it's how we repair those moments and it's how we commit to being better.
Speaker: This is what leads us to a deeper sense of self-awareness in our lives, self-knowing. And I felt my strength as a mom in that moment, but I also felt the loneliness of being a mother with a kid who was bursting at the seams to leave.
Speaker: And it felt disorienting.
Speaker: And I knew that unboxing these emotions that were swirling around inside of me was essential. And it was the only way to direct myself back to center, to reorient myself, if you will.
Speaker: These emotions that i were I was feeling, they were asking me to go deeper and and they were indeed an invitation. So this emotion of loneliness, you know, i talk a lot about midlife grief as being an invitation to go deeper and unbox those places inside of us that we've locked away as mothers, as women over the years. But loneliness is a is a significant real emotion that is asking for us to go deeper as well. Loneliness, this feeling of loneliness is asking for exploration, deep self-exploration. It is an invitation if we're willing to see it in that way.
Speaker: And so as I Set with this feeling of loneliness, i began to identify the box that was rattling deep down for me. And it was marked with the fear of rejection.
Speaker: The fear of rejection. The fear of not being loved by my kid. The fear of losing them, even. The fear of being rejected as their mom, even though I had shown up with a soft strength and an unconditional loving presence, even so The fear of rejection was so real and rattling inside of me.
Speaker: And here's what I want to offer. If you've ever felt this kind of loneliness, if if you're feeling this kind of loneliness right now as you listen to my voice, as you hear me and as you hear me share this story, if your kids don't see you the way that they used to, if you're still showing up with love but being met with distance,
Speaker: I just want you to know you're not weak. You're not failing. You are standing in the most tender doorway of them all. And it's the one where your role is shifting, but your heart is still wide open and soft and available.
Speaker: And that's where the grief comes in, I think. Not because you're somehow irreversibly severed, no, not at all, but because you're still so deeply connected and you're not sure where to place all that love anymore.
Speaker: Is it too much? Is it too little? You may be asking yourself. And here's a thought that's been quietly whispering to me since that moment with my kid. And I'm going to just ask the question I i touched on it a moment ago, but I want to just ask the question, what if loneliness is the invitation?
Speaker: And that question has been coming to me more and more. What if loneliness is an invitation?
Speaker: And maybe stop whatever you're doing and ask yourself the question, what if the loneliness I'm feeling or that I have been feeling, what if this loneliness is an invitation? What if it's not a punishment?
Speaker: What if it's not something for me to run away from? What if it's not something for me to escape? What if it's something for me to explore? What if it's something inviting me to explore what's deep, deep, deep waiting for me inside?
Speaker: Because maybe in this chapter, we're not just missing others. Maybe in this season, this chapter of midlife and empty nesting, what we're missing is ourselves.
Speaker: I mean, take that in for a moment. Maybe you're missing yourself. That version of you that was boxed away while mothering, that version of you who had dreams beyond keeping everyone else whole, that version of you who used to sit quietly with herself and ask, what do I want?
Speaker: What do I want? What if this ache, this loneliness is the doorway back?
Speaker: You want to know what I did after that moment with my kid? Well, I'll tell you. I ask myself that very question, what if this ache, this loneliness is the doorway back to me in a a deeper version, an even deeper version of who I'm here to be? the What if it's an invitation?
Speaker: You see, the more I do this work of unboxing, the more I understand it is a daily practice. It's something that we have to commit to showing up to for ourselves. It's the tool that gives me traction when something in my life hits that makes me feel disconnected from myself.
Speaker: I go to my unboxing and I've said it before and I'll say it again, unboxing is remembering. Unboxing is remembering. It's peeling back the layers of what stands in the way of us coming home to ourselves in the most authentic way in this season of life, in this chapter called midlife, in this chapter called empty nesting.
Speaker: So I asked myself the question, what if this ache, what if this loneliness I'm feeling is the doorway back to a deeper version of me. And then I got up the next morning and I got in my car and I was scheduled to train on my horse, Zena.
Speaker: And as I drove to the barn, it takes me about 20, 25 minutes. I began to unpack this box labeled the fear of rejection. And I reminded myself that love, real unconditional love like that of a mother, requires truth. It requires steady sound truth.
Speaker: not a truth peppered in shame. I didn't shame my kid and I wasn't going to shame myself either in this moment. But it's a truth that says, i love you always.
Speaker: This action caused hurt, but you can repair, you can replenish.
Speaker: And as I thought about those words that I spoke to my kid that I offered with love, no shame, I thought about offering that same kind of love and support to myself. And i I identified where this fear of rejection had been seated in my own life as I drove and as I thought back on the conversation I had had with my kid and as i kept my heart open and saw for myself, offering myself that kind of unconditional love, ah kind of the kind of love that
Speaker: that we give as mothers that we can also stop and give to ourselves. I thought about this fear of rejection and that it had been seeded from a time long ago in my life, way back in childhood when I was taught and shown, when it was modeled for me that if I spoke truth, I would lose love, that if I spoke truth, I would be rejected. And I hold a lot of love for that person who was shown that example so early on and and believe that that's the way she had to live.
Speaker: But unboxing helps me see the truth.
Speaker: I can unbox that fear of rejection and I can put it down. I can lay down that burden.
Speaker: But I was still processing it all and I got on my horse and for an hour, i thought of nothing else but me and Zena and our connection. and our responses to what our trainer was instructing us to do.
Speaker: And everything else, the ah hard conversation with my kid, the hurt, the fear, the ache, the loneliness, it all quieted down for a while.
Speaker: And I felt very much in the present moment and it reset my nervous system. It was a healing bomb for me. And when we finished training, I was covered in sweat, but I was happy. i was fulfilled. And I said to my trainer, I needed this.
Speaker: It was a release. And truth be told, I needed that. I needed to be on my horse for that time. It was a gift. And I recognized that. And that's what caused me to say I needed this, but I also needed me.
Speaker: I needed to show up for myself. And I needed to do what makes me feel alive.
Speaker: And when my day starts with the beauty of knowing that I need me and with the commitment that I'm going to show up for me, that energy shifts everything. It shifts everything. So I got off of my horse. I groomed her. I led her back to her stall. I fed her and I went on my way.
Speaker: And I felt a lot more clear, to be honest with you. And so coming back as I was driving, it hit me. And this is another layer that I want you to hear because it's important. As I was thinking back on the conversation I had with my kid, what came to me crystal clear was that in that moment, my kid wasn't just lashing out. My kid was processing.
Speaker: They were sitting in the discomfort of the decision that had been made, a decision that had caused hurt. And here's the thing about processing. It looks different for every person. Some of us get really, really quiet.
Speaker: some of us Some of us want to talk it out right away, right? We want to we want to talk it out right right then and there. And some of us, especially when the weight of guilt, when the weight of shame is so heavy, we push back.
Speaker: We create distance. We throw out sharp words, not because we don't care, but because caring feels too vulnerable in that moment. It became so crystal clear to me.
Speaker: that processing isn't stalling. It's the mind and heart trying to make sense of what happened on their own timeline. And I needed to remember that. And I hope that helps you.
Speaker: Because I had to remember that repair doesn't always happen instantly. It doesn't always happen in the moment. Sometimes the softest and strongest thing you can do is hold the boundary, hold the love,
Speaker: and give space for the other person to find their way back to accountability. And I can't fix that. But I can trust the process. I can offer patience.
Speaker: And that's what my kid needs from me.
Speaker: You see, as midlife moms and as moms empty nesting, we're still needed just differently. And sometimes that different is met with pushback.
Speaker: with eye rolls, with resistance, with comments like, I cannot wait to leave.
Speaker: But hear me, your presence still matters. Your voice still holds weight.
Speaker: And the way you hold space, the way you model, repair, the way you love, even when it stings, that is powerful. Even if they can't see it right now, even if they can't see it yet.
Speaker: And as I said in that conversation with my kid, I was strong, I was grounded, but I was also soft. And I mentioned that word soft just a few moments ago. And I think maybe I want to coach you just a little bit about what I mean by that.
Speaker: As I look back on this recent conversation with my kid and I know that I showed up soft. So what does that mean? Well, for me, soft doesn't mean weak, not at all.
Speaker: My tone was calm. My words were measured in that conversation and my love was felt in a way that that felt very, very much present.
Speaker: Soft wasn't weak. It meant I was open enough to see my kids' humanity, to stay inside of this conversation while still holding my boundaries.
Speaker: Soft was looking my kid in the eyes instead of looking away, speaking in a steady voice instead of one laced with rage or with shame, with anger, holding onto my compassion while still telling the truth. I wasn't armored up. I was available.
Speaker: And that's what soft means to me. It's not weakness.
Speaker: It's the ability to stay open, to stay available, to stay present in love, through love, with love.
Speaker: And now I should say, I haven't always shown up in my life this way for many years. I can safely say that I lived my life behind a wall of armor. I did. I thought it kept me safe, but what it really did was it kept me isolated.
Speaker: And honestly, it also kept me lonely. It kept me boxed up, unavailable in my own life, unavailable to really know myself.
Speaker: to heal the parts of me that were hurting and also toed to receive help and love and understanding from others. I live behind this iron a wall armored up always.
Speaker: And I lived inside of of a box that told me that anything less than perfection meant that I was somehow broken and flawed beyond repair. But that's not true. Yes, I'm human. And yes, I make mistakes. Yes, I stumble.
Speaker: Yes, I fall, but I am not flawed beyond repair. And through this process of unboxing, I've let go of the idea that hiding behind armor keeps me safe. It doesn't.
Speaker: It keeps me isolated and lonely. In reality, it keeps me away from my own sense of self-knowing. It keeps me from feeling my own life, my own mistakes, my own experiences, and anything that keeps us from feeling what we need to feel in our lives,
Speaker: Well, that's a tragedy. It's self-abandonment.
Speaker: And today i live openly and I am available in my own life and it feels so good. I'm available for myself and for others. You see, soft is open. It's available. It's willing, hard, like living behind that armor, always armored up.
Speaker: hard, it's closed, it's closed off, it's locked inside of a prison that we don't even recognize that we're building. And it hurts.
Speaker: So back to my story and a truth that I want you to understand, because it happens, and it did happen inside of my own conversation with my kid, even though I showed up softly, i wasn't met with softness.
Speaker: What came back to me was, I can't wait to get out of here and live in Europe. I can't wait to leave. And oof, that hurt, right? It hurt in the moment. It stung. And here's one thing I know for sure.
Speaker: Those words could have shattered me. They could have shattered me. And in a different season of my life, maybe they would have. They likely would have. But here's the thing. Softness was my strength in that moment.
Speaker: Softness was my strength. It was my softness that allowed me to hold space for those words without letting them pierce my worth.
Speaker: And this is due to the unboxing work I've done around my own self-worth. Let me tell you something. Life can hand you a whole lot of moments that challenge you to question your worth.
Speaker: Would you agree with me? I know it's It's handed me a lot of moments where I have questioned my own, my own worth, my own value in this life. And I used to immediately go to the thought that, wow, it must be me.
Speaker: I must have done something wrong. I must be innately unworthy. But none of those thoughts are true. They're just thoughts. They're not me. They're not the real me. So I learned to question those thoughts and choose better feeling ones. This process of unboxing has helped me to do that.
Speaker: Unboxing the box of self-worth And all of the experiences inside that box that led me to believe for a time that my worth was dependent on the approval of others.
Speaker: And it's not.
Speaker: I'm worthy. If someone wants to leave, I'm worthy. If someone doesn't agree with me, I'm still worthy. If someone judges me, I'm worthy. If someone misunderstands me, I'm worthy. If someone chooses not to include me, I am still worthy.
Speaker: Nothing and no one can shatter that part of me anymore.
Speaker: Not even hurtful words from a kid I've raised and loved and protected and cherished. In that moment with my kid, softness kept me rooted.
Speaker: It kept me from being uprooted. It reminded me this isn't about me. It's about where my kid is now along their own journey. It's about seeing the struggles my kid is going through and holding space for that internal battle, one that they're not ready to bring into the light.
Speaker: Not yet.
Speaker: Softness didn't make me crumble. Softness let me stay. let me listen. It let me love anyway.
Speaker: You see, softness is the bridge between firmness and love. The thing that allowed me in that challenging moment to be honest without severing connection the very thing I was fearing, that fear of rejection, disconnection that was rattling so loudly inside of me. was softness that helped me to be honest without severing connection.
Speaker: It's true. The words, I can't wait to get out of here and live in Europe, I can't wait to leave, weren't just about geography.
Speaker: In that moment, it did feel a little like rejection as a mom. It was a pulling away. It was. It was a longing to be anywhere but here, in this house, in this family, in this moment, with me, with us.
Speaker: So I took a deep breath and I said, you know, if that's your dream, I hope it comes true. I really do. But remember, nowhere is perfect.
Speaker: And there will be challenges wherever you go. And even in Europe, if and when mistakes are made, repair will be required. It's like that saying, no matter where we go, there we are.
Speaker: We bring our stuff with us. We got to get real with ourselves. And unboxing is is the path to do that.
Speaker: To look into those places that are asking to be healed. And to do away with any limiting thoughts and beliefs that keep us from stepping into our lives as the most authentic version of who we're here to be and to speak our truth.
Speaker: And to do so rooted and aligned with our values and who we are and why we're here.
Speaker: So I sat there with my kid. We were side by side in silence. But inside, I did feel lonely. I felt lonely. like Not just alone. I felt lonely, lonely, sad, like somehow I was tossed out into a stormy sea with my kid and I was trying to swim toward them through the tumultuous waves, but my kid kept swimming away from me.
Speaker: I felt like I was going under for a time and it was a deep and lonely feeling.
Speaker: So here's a little more coaching. I want to highlight the difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely because I think it's important to understand the difference. Being alone is a physical state.
Speaker: It's a physical state. You're by yourself. No one is around. It's a fact. But being alone doesn't automatically feel bad. In fact, it can be peaceful. Being alone can feel empowering and sometimes it's necessary.
Speaker: Time alone can be a return to self. It can be a moment to hear your own voice without all the noise and all the chatter.
Speaker: Now, being lonely is an emotional state, right? Being alone is a physical state. Being lonely is an emotional state. It's the feeling of disconnection, even when you're surrounded by people.
Speaker: It's not about proximity. It's about being seen like, I listen to everyone else's day, but no one asks me about mine. I crave feeling known and valued.
Speaker: Loneliness whispers, no one really gets me. Loneliness whispers, I don't know where I belong. i miss me.
Speaker: And in midlife, this difference matters. In midlife, especially as roles shift and as kids grow up, many women find themselves alone more often.
Speaker: which isn't inherently bad, but what hits harder is the loneliness, the emotional distance, the internal ache of not feeling needed in the same way, the absence of being deeply known for who you are now.
Speaker: So it's true, one can lead to the other. Sometimes time alone reveals just how lonely we are, and sometimes We need to be alone to reconnect with ourselves and alleviate loneliness. And that's the paradox.
Speaker: Bottom line, alone is external. Lonely is internal. And healing starts when we stop fearing either and start listening to what they're here to teach us.
Speaker: The invitation. So if you're walking through your house this week and it feels too quiet, or if you're holding your breath every time a text goes unanswered, done that.
Speaker: Or if your heart feels like it's gripping tightly just to stay upright, please know that you're not alone. In fact, a woman recently commented on my Instagram to a post that opens with the line, midlife grief is real.
Speaker: And she wrote, it's a strange and beautiful unraveling that I'm learning to dance with. I'd be lying if I said it's been easy. Learning to slow down has been challenging, and doing so without judgment, even more so.
Speaker: But here so many of us are, messy and imperfect. I'm grateful to know I'm not alone, which means you aren't either. And I want to thank Sherry for writing those beautifully vulnerable thoughts and sharing those with us.
Speaker: And her words are a reminder, please hear me, you are not alone. You are not broken. You are in a sacred shift. it gives me tingles to say that.
Speaker: We're in this sacred shift together. And it's a space where the rhythm is slowing down. It's different.
Speaker: There's a quieting happening in order for us to step back into our unique and transformative tempo. Step back into our rhythm and to dance freely within that rhythm.
Speaker: And this is your space. This season of midlife, this is your time and it's my time too. And we're here together and it matters. We're not alone.
Speaker: And loneliness, it's not the end of your story. Let me start to wrap this up by saying that loneliness is not the end of the story. It might just be, though, the beginning of a deeper relationship with you.
Speaker: So before we go, i want to invite you to sit with a question this week. And the question is, you can get a piece of paper, jot it down if you'd like. But the question is, what part of me might be asking to be witnessed through this loneliness?
Speaker: Let me say that again. What part of me might be asking to be witnessed through this loneliness? Loneliness is the invitation. Let's show up for the invite.
Speaker: So you can jot that down on a piece of paper on your phone in a journal. Reflect on this question, though, and let me know what comes up for you, because maybe that's the place to begin unboxing. What part of me might be asking to be witnessed through this loneliness?
Speaker: Maybe this is where you begin to unbox, not by running from the ache of loneliness, but by letting it speak. Let it speak. And here's the truth.
Speaker: This season offers us as women, as mothers, a newfound space to unbox. And you can unbox. You can unbox and unburden yourself from what is weighing you down right here today.
Speaker: And you, my friend, are certainly unstoppable. Most certainly unstoppable. So let's get back to that woman. I want to see her and I want to hear her.
Speaker: Until next time. I'm Michelle Madrid. Thank you for being here with me. And please keep in mind that I am walking this road right with you, side by side.
Speaker: Thank you for joining me on Unboxed, Unburdened, Unstoppable. If today's story unboxed something within you, share this with a friend, subscribe, and commit to walking this path of power and purpose with us.
Speaker: Remember, you have everything it takes to be the hero of your own life. Until next time, stay unboxed, unburdened, and unstoppable.
