Transcript
Speaker: This is Beat Our Quest, an improvised comedy role-playing podcast using the triangle agency system. Remember, manage is a verb. As in, even though you're missing all of the holes in your face, you'll still manage.
Speaker: Uh, so, you guys last ran into- Wait, before we start, how do we feel about parachutes? Just in general?
Speaker: Don't trust them. Okay. Don't trust them enough to use them. Don't trust them enough to use them. Well, I'm sorry. if If you're falling through the sky, you're going to be like, you know, statistically. Well, all right. Hang on. We have to define the starting point, right? Yeah. If I'm falling through the sky, I'm going to rip it. Yeah. I feel like they could be better. am I going to ever be in a situation where I need one? Absolutely not. Exactly.
Speaker: Now i have Don't put yourself in that place. What about you, Paul? I've used it. So I feel confident in parachutes. Okay. I'm for them. Do you think they could be better? I'm proud. Where is this going? I'm so worried. I'm scared. i know Do I think there's room for improvement? Yes. Do I think parachute technology has hit its pinnacle in science? No.
Speaker: so Do I think it's like not to be trusted? It's not like the vaccines. Yikes. ah Now we know something about Paul we can use later.
Speaker: Tucker Dally Johnston as Stuart Stuart Burtmeier. Nate Valentine as Felix Fuzzworth. Ivana Maria Mendez-Babon as Barabel.
Speaker: So I already gave you guys a quick little recap, but I want to remind you what the commendations and demerits of this mission are. Oh, right. That exists. Yeah, it sure does. You get four commendations for making amends with somebody.
Speaker: You get two commendations for getting a business to sell a product that they don't need. You get two commendations if you start an urban legend about a monster. Why do I feel like Nate is going to get all of them in like one sentence?
Speaker: I'm already thinking about I'm already thinking about how Yeah, know you are. That's why he's the senior... The two demeritable offense are is you get two demerits if you turn off a TV set and you get one demerit for using a name brand product or even a parody of that product. So Nate actually got the only demerit so far right at the start when he was like, oh, I have a company car. It's a Ford whatever. And it was just like up buzz right there. guys Ford Fiesta. Trying to trick me into saying again. Yeah, I probably will. Yeah.
Speaker: Wait, wait, wait, hang on, because you said or a parody of a famous Right, so like in the Kids on Bikes campaign where we were like Cheetos instead of Cheetos, I'm not going to let that fly. You're going to have to be like puffy, spicy, corn chips in a bag, and I'm going to watch you fumble over the uncomfortableness as you have to try to discuss it. And then catch yourself when you say something like Band-Aid and realize that's a brand. ah I'm locked in.
Speaker: Bandaging. Adhesive bandages. Are you guys all good? Okay. And that's just to remind you guys, you ran into ah Douglas Beaches, who's the the sniveling head of 69 Indies. Does he own all Beaches? Not yet.
Speaker: Working towards it, doll face. Wink. Oh, I wouldn't. Don't say wink. I wouldn't say that to me. I much prefer live drawings than dolls.
Speaker: Can one of you guys translate that one? yeah It was over my head too. I think you said doll face and and she didn't like that. So I think you got to call her live drawing face. All right. Live drawing face and gentlemen. Excellent. Thank I'm going to really see if I can remember that this whole episode. Appreciate it.
Speaker: you As you guys remember, you're in a black abyss. If you look behind you, you kind of see that pinhole white as ah a camera is shut off, you know, when an old TV so channel is turned off and it kind of zooms out into the white.
Speaker: Do you get a demerit? No. What? Oh, for turning the TV off. Very clever. ah No, that's that's a no bear that's a station being canceled. so Okay. He gestures down a hallway in the opposite direction. He goes, these look like all the different TV shows that he's...
Speaker: it's trying to produce. Hey, you know, I just had one question for you. How... Who do you think you are? Hmm? Oh, wow, what a good question. I'm Douglas Beaches, senior partner at 69 and Decent. I have led several campaigns. I'm sure you've seen them.
Speaker: I have. And you caused all these problems. now You're where... You, Buster, are why we're in this mess here, so I think you owe all of us. An apology. I think so, too. Yeah, I can do that. ah He turns and he clicks a TV on and you see it's like a puppet channel. Ah, crap. Of two puppets trying to apologize to one another. crap.
Speaker: And he's like, oh I'm sorry that I did that. And the longer you stare, you find going to say that was Stubert. Was anyone else accosting um Douglas Beech's?
Speaker: yeah Yeah, I would support. Yeah. think we all were getting on this guy's shit. yeah What? Why am I volunteering? Okay, all three of you have been turned into felt puppets, giving a lesson in apologies.
Speaker: Stubert is fully made of denim. Jesus Christ.
Speaker: for For some strange version, my puppet is fully an anthropomorphic cat. Our more in-tune listeners might get that. but Whoa, what? I don't know. There's something strange about Nate's character.
Speaker: Laravel is wearing ah the exact replica outfit of ah Lady Gaga's Just Dance outfit, I think, which is like the leotard and crystals and then the blonde bob and sunglasses. If I take them off, no one sewed eyes and into my face, so i have to keep the sunglasses on. glasses Oh my god, that's awful. That was so awesome and then so horrible. I'm so glad I described my character first. Jesus.
Speaker: Ivana's creative nightmare world. All right, give us a lesson apologizing. All right, when you do something wrong, kids, it's okay to admit that you made a mistake.
Speaker: And what's the first thing you do? Hey, Felix. Yes, Barabel? I think you should apologize to our audience because we don't know if it's just kids watching. See, that's a very good point. I made a mistake and I'm sorry to everybody watching this. That's true. I've learned that blanket apology statements work for basically anything.
Speaker: That's also true, but the best kind of apology is the one you receive.
Speaker: Um, I'm going to let that be the button on that one. and you guys are pulled back out, flopped onto the ground. There's maybe a panicky moment as you feel for your body and skin and realize you're not made of felt any longer. Or denim. Eh, I think I got some cotton stuck in my teeth. Ugh, I look so good as a blonde.
Speaker: I just want to say, I've already forgotten what crazy name you asked me to call you. Miss pretty live normal face. Life drawing. Life drawing. Well, this life drawing, let me just say, as you might agree, I appreciated receiving that apology.
Speaker: Wait, what? So thank you. Is that what happened? Thank you. And he looks to you, stupid. He goes, you're a real sport, kid. Kid, I feel like I'm, I'm for sure older than you are, probably. It's not about it. Don't let age define you and your successes. Age off, age off, age off, age off.
Speaker: ah What, have you guys never seen an age drop before? Wait, how does that work? All right. ah Both of you put your hands together. oh Okay, I'm doing it currently, and you can't prove I'm not. That's true. And now, name the oldest piece of technology you can remember.
Speaker: Three, two, one. Magna Carta. Wait. Yeah, like, what do you mean what do you mean remember? Like, I was born with it? I think I've established myself as the leader here. Let's move. Uh-oh. I tried to help you.
Speaker: Oh, thanks. It didn't, though. Anyway, we'll get it. He opens the next door. He opens the door. And as you fall out, you are plummeting from the sky.
Speaker: And you hear this sort of dramatic piano music kind of playing in the background. And eventually, when you slam into the ground, you find yourselves at the front of the state capitol building. Interesting. Interesting.
Speaker: I'm keeping it ambitious ambiguous this time because the Colorado thing really screwed me in the last campaign. ah You guys realize you're in the middle of a legal procedural. I need you guys to establish what your identity is of the three of you in this legal procedural.
Speaker: Is Beech is with us as well? He is with you. I'm keeping him open for you guys to elect my position in this episode as well. Okay. Okay. Okay. We have options, right? It's like, Juror, audience members, judges. As the leader of the team, I'm probably the district attorney, right?
Speaker: You're the DA? Sure, yeah, absolutely. Are we wow defending or prosecuting beaches? Because it's it's one or the other. But he's probably guilty. You've looked out. He's got a shady look at greasy comb over. His whole outfit is all torn. Like, not torn, but it isn't pressed. He clearly looks like he's the um the inappropriate defendant to Nate having announced himself to be the district attorney.
Speaker: It looks like in this he will be prosecuting beaches for an unknown crime. Unknown. It's going to get known eventually. It's going to get known. Wait a second. i i see a bit here. And i think in the last thing we were in, I was wearing a wig. And I want to wear another wig. So I want to be a judge. you Give me a hammer.
Speaker: Click, click, click, click, click. I've made a huge mistake. I've given my players way too much power. It's terrible idea and I love it. I'll be in the bailiff. Yay!
Speaker: Bailiff! Mojitos for the court! Absolutely, I'm pretty sure that's what a bailiff's job is supposed to be. Coming right up. As you nonsensically announce and declare things, they will occur. You have the full creative control with your Looney Tunes-like powers. Just like the last time when Yvonneis called herself a cow, and they all freaked out because the cow was talking, you have the same abilities. So right out the gate, when she delivers that,
Speaker: Bailiff, you feel your handcuffs shape shift and you've got like a little lime press so you can fresh squeeze lime inside of other people's drinks. And you've got a whole like cocktail thing set on your side, on your belt, rather than like a gun and handcuffs and stuff.
Speaker: Great mojitos coming right up, you know. You all rise. You're the lady. And then you sit down, and you can sit down, you definitely stay up the whole time. Your pants are gorge. She's only been pointing at me over and over again. Attorneys? Not the defense, the other one.
Speaker: base. Percent your pants.
Speaker: present your That's right, Your Honor. Now, Mr. Douglas, yes I'd like to cross-question you. and And I'd like to make some amends from our previous interaction because I know that I was really hard on you.
Speaker: Is that would that be? Yeah, I'd appreciate the apology. It's the favorite. The best part of the apology is receiving one. I didn't say apologize. I said make amends. And I'd like that on the record, actually, Judge. Now, Douglas.
Speaker: oh Wait, someone's record. Wait, no one. No one chose the role of recording any and any NPCs will exist. They're just very like neutral mannequins. And it just has like waiting to be cast stamped on their forehead. There's just two people in a car. They're like very dummy models and it's just like possible celebrity castings that could be like Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe is court stenographer.
Speaker: Yes. On the night of the incident, you and Willem Dafoe were allegedly under the streetlight smoking drugs. When the cop came up you, do you confirm or deny these claims? i if you If you believe ah cigarettes are a drug, and if you believe you know just stimulants like coffee are a drug, then yes, I was consuming all kinds of drugs.
Speaker: We'd just gone to Starbucks. Have you ever been? i don't drink coffee, and I would never go to such a corporate sellout place, but the cop did say he smelled something a little more fun than cigarettes, if you catch my drift, and I look over to the...
Speaker: the puppet jury. Wait, did you say puppet? Okay, well, puppets it is You see versions of the puppets from the apology thing have slowly malformed their way into the jury. Some of them are real, and then you do see, like, one of them is like a denim puppet, just like Tucker's. Alright, that's on me. Sorry, guys.
Speaker: Will do you confirm or deny that you were smoking doobies? um He takes a deep breath. He goes, I maybe smoked a little bit of the devil's lettuce.
Speaker: Had a little bong chow. Your honor, I rest my case. Order. Order in this court. Order. Did you bring doobies for the rest of the court? That's a great question.
Speaker: Answer the judge, you criminal. Thank you, Baylor. I'm a man of the law. I can't be found doing that. What do you mean? Look at the wall. And I'm going to point and there's going to be a poster that says smoking encouraged.
Speaker: Wait, then why am I being charged? You know why. Tax evasion. tax You weren't paying your taxes while you were smoking that weed. So I i think judge, I think he's still guilty.
Speaker: Jurors gather. The jurors gather to the the judge's bench. We're going to really learn what you guys know about the world with this episode. It's not a lot, I tell you what.
Speaker: Jurors, do we think we should solve this by lip sync by s a t scores? Lip sync, lip sync! they all are flopping their mouths and then he goes, wait a minute, I can't have any song licenses! Yeah!
Speaker: Let's do a song license with lip sync on an audio format podcast. Bailiff? Yeah. The accused has one song and one song only. And the accused shall lip sync. Fold
Speaker: ah The minute you say that and it officially says it, you feel the words in stamped across all of you. Too expensive to produce music licensing question mark. And the legal procedural is canceled as well.
Speaker: Can we have a legal procedural about if it's the music is too expensive? Oh, my God. That's the sequel. It's more boring than the contracts, but like. At this point in time, you look over and you see Douglas is actually a little worse for wear.
Speaker: ah What was once a like a confident, suave, madman-esque businessman has started to show little bits of weakness. Whatever this anomaly had given him powers and like charisma and charm, he is beginning to lose it.
Speaker: And he he glares at and I don't know. If we should have all these shows canceled, it might really harm the anomaly. Well, here's the... We're trying to stop the anomaly. and it And if it grows too powerful, you know, something will happen. So unless you can give us a reason to to let the anomaly go free, can you articulate that to me and my pals here? And you... Yeah. And he looks away.
Speaker: I need this anomaly. I was a nobody. Struggled for decades to have anyone notice me or think what I have to say matters.
Speaker: And then I finally was able to tell people about stuff and they care. you know what that's like? Do you know what it feels like to be invisible? He looks at you, stupor. Oh, you know, uh... I can finally matter. Yeah, I... Listen...
Speaker: I'm sure there's people that matter to you and that you matter to. And you just have to focus on what they think about you and not the rest of the world.
Speaker: Because sometimes it's better if no one's looking at you. You know what I mean there, pal? I don't. want to be who I was again Mr. Beaches do you know the story of the k croissant wasissat and what no croissant mon it's like man but with it's part of like um like in the French tone right because you have to be respectful when you're saying croissant so croissant mon enlighten me right um well so respectful course so respectful
Speaker: if you don't pursue your passions with a lot of care and respect for others ah and respect for yourself, the croissant man will find you at your nearest bakery and will choke you.
Speaker: What happened to my friend Emily? Emily is no more. She went to Paris and she was threatened everywhere. Jesus Christ. I know what you did and I'm very aware of it. He goes, I've never heard of the croissant man.
Speaker: Croissant man? Oh, wait. I did something great. I didn't even realize it. I chose a name at random. Wow. I'm so smart. Go ahead. Have you, I've never heard or seen any proof. Do you know have you, do you have any evidence of the croissant man? Ma? Croissant Ma?
Speaker: Emily? yeah just I'll send you Emily's social media details so you can see how her presence just cuts off after France. there are so Sorry, France. She had a lot going and then it was just cancelled all of a sudden.
Speaker: All of a sudden. If you can give me evidence of the croissant, Mon, I will absolutely give you the commendations for starting an urban legend. All right. I just planted a seed. You've sowed the seed. Oh, God, please. Yes. Douglas Beaches is walking with you down the hallway and he gestures to the next one. You see, he's got these big dollar signs on the outside of the door.
Speaker: Now we can go right in, but I'm going to warn you, this is going to be very chaotic. Are you ready? You don't think the last thing was chaotic? No, it's it's procedural, if anything.
Speaker: Oh, that was a low blow. What do the dollar signs represent? You're about to find out. And he clicks the door and swings it open. You guys find yourselves in a brightly lit room. Huge fluorescent lights, big cameras and spotlights blasting on you. And you're in front of a blank table. Each one of you in front of a blank table. Give me a second.
Speaker: Oh, gosh. Ah, jeez. Oh, I think I'm piecing this together. In front of you are three different objects. Stubert, you have yeah a smaller table on top of your table.
Speaker: Barabelle, you have a very fancy looking rubber band. What? Okay. And Felix, you have a crow.
Speaker: Is it alive? That's up to you to decide. Because you look, as once your eyes finally adjust... you see the words Beaches Home Shopping Network.
Speaker: And you are going to be three individuals at a home shopping network trying to pitch this product for the viewers at home. Okay. yeah dear Two minutes. 35 seconds is solid. Okay,
Speaker: Once your eyes, you see Beaches is standing there with the camera slowly pivots to you and you see him count down. and He goes three and he does the little hand thing. He goes three, two, one. He goes, make it seem cool.
Speaker: Well, hey there, everybody, and welcome back to the Beaches Home Shopping channel. ah I'm Stubert and I'm here with an exciting new product for you today.
Speaker: Have you ever found yourself shrunk down to be about a tenth the size you were in your regular life and you thought, well, gosh, golly, dang, what am I supposed to do now? I can't even reach the fridge. I can't even reach any of my things in my car. Or what am I supposed to do?
Speaker: Well, not anymore. Because what we're selling is a lifestyle here. know what I'm saying? You see this tiny table here. Well, it's only tiny to you and me right now.
Speaker: But once that inevitable shrinkage happens to you, you're going to want what we're selling here. And what that is is peace of mind. For when you're all very tiny little tots of yourselves.
Speaker: So you buy a whole room. And it's like your own little world. You could keep it in the garage. You could keep it in the backyard in the doghouse, which will become your actual house later on.
Speaker: You know, you want to have security. Don't think of it as a dollhouse or toys of these things. These are real, actual, life-size models of what's happening. We actually shrunk down all the craftsmen and woodworkers and industrialists down to this size to have them work on these. So you see this table here? It's actually 100% handcrafted mahogany, finished by hand.
Speaker: by blind Japanese men. That's why it costs about $3,000. Wow. Bravo. pa Bravo. People go nuts. Lights are playing on. Things are going on. People are like, tiny table. We want tiny table.
Speaker: um You hear Douglas Beach. He goes, that was great. You ran a little long. We're going to pull up a commercial now. And he points to Barabel and Felix, who unfortunately are not going to be doing their ad. They are actually doing a new commercial for Bags of Popcorn. Damn the Wow, this is way too much popcorn. What am we going to do?
Speaker: If you just had popcorn, you could throw away fun. Boy, I mean, I've got my pockets are full. My shirt pocket is full. I started putting some of my pants, but there's just no more room.
Speaker: Wish I had a better place to store this popcorn. Like what? you A vase? Boxes are kind of hard to carry, you know? Maybe a shoe?
Speaker: hot Stinky. Yeah, oh my god, you're telling me. What about, like, a something you could strap on your back and fill with popcorn?
Speaker: Like a bag? bye yeah
Speaker: I was like, what if the gears clicked and it bought us head for that? Yeah, you know, you put the best part, the best part is you could put a jacket on over it. You go to the movie theater and people would think you're just kind of deformed, but really you're sneaking in cheap popcorn.
Speaker: Wow. So even you can use the accessible seats the movie theater. Incredible. This took a turn. I did not want it to go down. You can get two backpacks for only $19.99.
Speaker: Wow. $19.99? Are you sure that's not a mistake? Let me see. Uh-oh. It was. It's $18.99 if you call now.
Speaker: Wow. Name the product. Name the product. I forgot the name of the product. Oh, it's the Pop Pack.
Speaker: ah Yours today for only $18.99 each. If you buy two, terms and conditions may apply. May apply. Terms conditions may apply. Be sure to buy something. Don't do that. It might be actually really bad for you. anything season You guys fall to the ground. And you are inside. And at this one, you see the words, successful campaign, people love it, in green font stapled across all of you. But I knew they would love it. um We did it. You look to Beech's and you see he's kind of stood a little taller. His weird little greasy mustache has grown a little fuller. And in the corner of your eye, you see this thing shifting behind the cameras. It looks like a person wearing a suit. But as your eyes stare at it, you notice that it's made up of film shifting across it.
Speaker: As of now, you've successfully done one show and you have canceled two. I'm going to let you guys choose between the next two doors. One of them has a lot of intense kind of jungle noises coming from behind it.
Speaker: And the other one has a lot of kind of conspiratorial piano music coming from behind it. Oh, gosh. Do I want to be hot and sticky or do I want to feel dumb?
Speaker: so i regret listen I regret saying it as soon as I don't soundboard that no shot that's not going to soundboard got Tucker the soundboard crap that'll a sound for the soundboard before the end of the episode we can't go with the animals that's going to be that I don't know i don't want to be face to face with a lion whether it's real or fake or what are you afraid of of animals No, not afraid of animals per se, but some of the big ones, you know, the predators, they prey on cute little animals.
Speaker: And that's not really my jam, Barabel. But what if you prey back? No, you be the bigger animal. oh You can only be so big. You can only grow as big as you grow. Haven't you heard? And then we have powers.
Speaker: We can do things. All but you guys are going to... They're no match for us. So you want to go to the junk you want to go to the jungle bear? No, I don't know. I just felt bad that like you were talking down on yourself and not believing that you could do that room. So I wanted it to encourage you that you could. i don't care which one we go to truly. What if I said I didn't feel like I could do that room?
Speaker: We can do the jungle, but you guys are going to have to lead the way on this one. So, all right. All right, here we go. we let we all just We all just peer pressured ourselves into going straight to the jungle.
Speaker: You put your hand on it and the door opens into a plume of fog and mist. You guys feel yourself wearing adventurer attire, that classic kind of thing, maybe the cap, hat, things like that. And then you see in the words, in a huge stone mountain,
Speaker: Fables of the Secret Shrine! And a giant stone face appears inside and goes, Players, you have been chosen to participate in this week's game! Yes!
Speaker: so um yeah You see yes a huge gap of alligators clamping in front of and you see these vines that you're gonna have to get across. And just as you're about to maybe try to get across, the vine snaps. And a bunch of alligators snatch ah whatever was one of the dummy mannequins that was trying to get across. You must figure out how to cross the alligator passage.
Speaker: It is what i was trying to avoid, guys. Specifically this. but simply A Legends of the Hidden Temple ripoff with alligators.
Speaker: I'm going to roll Unbound. ah Just be like, listen, I'm i'm built for this. I'm going to roll all of them, including my special seventh die.
Speaker: It would help if I could see what I actually rolled, but it's so freaking dark in here. I got, wow, I got close. I got one three on that. oh success. Describe your way getting across.
Speaker: um Basically, Stubert ah turns almost into like a cloud of himself and he's super light. So he just leaps across ah everything. And, you know, I could like tap dance across the gators as I pass over.
Speaker: uh the pit there uh and i get to the other side and go come on gang it's super easy when you get there the treasure chest that's on the other side begins to open what 90s toy do you see inside of it what childhood thing do you want nourished oh my goodness yeah absolutely um it's a uh It's a big ball of rubber, and it can squish down into a flat bit. So it doesn't morphize into another material. I would screw you. I have a follow-up question. Can you, if you were to put it on a newspaper, would it like pick up the print? That kind of rubber? I need to know. If you want, you want to. Well, I do. I'm trying to, my traps are too obvious. I'll get you.
Speaker: You do, you see a huge glob of it and you can hold it in your hand. going to let you add that to your personal character inventory. the other ah The giant stone face goes, shame our other contestants are too slow to participate.
Speaker: Whoa. What a treat. I don't know. perry Are you shading us? How are you going to get across? A little bit, yeah. Oh, okay. We want to sass off. Felix, he wants to sass off. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into. go bar Throw it down, Felix. Throw down the bars.
Speaker: Throw on the bars. Yes.
Speaker: John from accounting told me that you were writing on a album.
Speaker: A couple of little, like, chimps come out from the jungle and, like, bring out a beatbox. ah Or bring out a huge, like, boombox and hit play. There's, like, a beat going under it. They've got little, like, hats from the 90s pulled back. And, like, they're staring. They're all getting around you, Felix. And they're bopping their head ready for you.
Speaker: Wait, what am I doing? Go for it. Am I dancing? Wrap-off. Wrapping? Oh, my God. Ugh. Biggest set somebody up for a nightmare moment I have ever seen. know what we'll do. Felix, you're going freestyle. What?
Speaker: yeah Well, yeah, I'm not going to be able to do this, Parabelle. I'm so sorry. but
Speaker: Look what you did, Giant Head. Look what you did to my friend. You're not going to gaslight me. You broke him. You did this. ah That's really screwed up. She threw you under the bus that she was driving. Hey, hey, scary talking head, what happens if we don't cross the alligator pit? You will be captured by my jungle warriors! At this point in time, two figures come out of the jungle as though they had been there the entire time and grab the two of you um and throw both of you into the water. You're both going to take one point of harm. Okay.
Speaker: Um, now I'm going to roll universal recipient. I'm going read universal recipient first. did you've done You've done this before, buddy.
Speaker: number are these Are these people that just grabbed me, they're considered living people are they like anomaly things? They're probably like anomalous. It's all fake things or mannequins. Same with the alley.
Speaker: It's all fake. So they're not a real person. Okay. So I would have to. Okay. So in that case, I will have to take the harm. Barabelle, same for you. Yeah, I'd take that damage. You both take one point of harm as these jungle warriors and you're like, you have failed to show them a token of your safety. And they grab you and drop you into the water and you're consumed in this red mist by the alligators and find yourselves eventually on the other side at Stubert's feet.
Speaker: We did it. That is not the way I wanted to get over here. That was horribly gruesome, and I didn't like watching that. You guys want a little rubber ball? No.
Speaker: What is that? No. It looks pretty funny, though. That doesn't make up for what has happened at all. We're going to cut to commercial brought to us by our sponsor. And now you're going to give me a little ad for pink rubber ball.
Speaker: God damn it, Paul. All right, everybody. It's a wrap-off.
Speaker: Fuck!
Speaker: That's awesome. But fuck you also. I was bored one day after school, you know, and I found myself trying to... then false face.
Speaker: I was bored one day after school, you know, and I found myself taking a stroll and I thought to myself, boy, I wish I had something fun. And it turns out I just had to find, uh, not a gun. See, I'm bad at this and I don't rap.
Speaker: this he's not gonna find a gun and a bunch of dance backout background dancers come out uh and dance behind uh stubert the green words stamped in front of you go successful campaign pink goo sold to children everywhere and you guys have successfully ah completed in the adventure game that is not based off of any kind of licensed nickelodeon tv that's what rap is I didn't like it. No, no. Oh gosh. Uh, God. Well, you know, I'll, I'll show you some other albums there, Felix. ah
Speaker: I don't know if it's for got some cassettes. Stupor. I will only say this once to you and never admit I did, but good job.
Speaker: Wow. what Thanks. Why wouldn't you want to admit that? Admit what? huh Admit what? Who? What do you mean? Ah, right. Well, there was a glimmer of humanity behind those eyes for a second there, and now it's gone. What eyes? and then I'm going to erase my sunglasses. I'm kidding.
Speaker: I should have kept you all as puppets. You ah stand there back in the hallway. There's the single door left. With just the atmospheric piano music playing.
Speaker: Oh, we had to go there too. Oh, so we were gonna end up here anyway. Yeah. Wow. Brutal.
Speaker: Alright, it's busted down. Kick the door down. You walk in, and it's a ah very classic retro bar. You see, standing at the bar, is Douglas Benches, polishing the glass. He goes, hey, guys, come on in um And you hear a little piano jingle playing underneath. As you come in, we're going to have you enter one at a time.
Speaker: um Who comes in first?
Speaker: Well, I think Bearbell kicked the freaking board out. I did. Can you describe yourself? What are you wearing? I'm wearing a leather vest.
Speaker: I am wearing a big flowey flowy, flowy skirt and combat boots. You walk in the door and you look out and you do see behind the cameras, you see a studio audience and And the more you're paying attention, you know that the studio audience is made up of people you know.
Speaker: You see the Bride of Dracula is out there. You see your daughter is out there. gosh, could never see me this outfit. You Peyton Manning is out there. And you, they are...
Speaker: Of course, he wants to be everywhere. He's just trying to get on camera, baby. And when you walk out you hear the audience go, woo, woo, woo. And you realize you are on a classic three-camera sitcom.
Speaker: Douglas Benchons goes, hey, doll, I was wondering if you were coming into work today. And he waves you to come on in. I'm going to take a wine glass and break it and put it in his face.
Speaker: Call me doll one more time. One more time. Maybe later. He gives a, like, holler a little pull, and the audience goes, ha, ha, ha, ha. And that's going to be underpied the rest of this scene. Felix, we're going that be the moment that you stumble in.
Speaker: What is your sitcom character like? Oh, boy. My sitcom character? um Well, I'm wearing a leather vest.
Speaker: Leather pants. No shoes. And i'm kind of a bat I'm kind of a bad boy. I'm walking in off the street. I'm smoking a regular cigarette. A regular cigarette. Because of all the weather and the badassery. And and I kind of flick it out. the I step in. I take a big, big old cool guy drag of the cigarette. And I flick it out the door before I walk And sit
Speaker: What's your catchphrase?
Speaker: What's crackin' Douglas? What's crackin'? Hey there, Felix. You think you're going to settle up your tab this week? Doubt it, man, but I'll take a double whiskey like always. You got it.
Speaker: Pours it, slides it across the bar to you. And I'm going to just crush it in one one sip. That's why you're the coolest guy here. All right. Stubert.
Speaker: That's your cue. Great. Stubert comes in. Leather vest on top. Denim everywhere else. Oh, my God. which Penis. Including socks? Yeah.
Speaker: Denim socks. Of course. Denim underwear. Yeah. Everything chafes.
Speaker: Ah, dang it. Ah, see, I thought, man, I was trying to be more cool like Felix, but I just feel like I missed the mark here.
Speaker: What do you guys put over your nipples to stop the chafing from the leather? You know, I don't, but that's what all the whiskey's for. Just numb the pain, man.
Speaker: It helps. ah ah Douglas looks to you guys and goes, you know, it's a pretty nice place to be here, right? You know, people love us. All our friends and family adore us. And he gestures, and the two of you also look out to the audience, and you see old man Grissom, John from the bowling team,
Speaker: to Also John from the Triangle Agency. John. Ron John. And then John from Triangle Agency and Ron John from the bowling team. All these people. And they're all rooting and cheering for you guys. And you feel this overwhelming enthusiasm ah bubbling up over you. I'm actually going to be spending chaos as you start to realize that like this is a positive reality for you.
Speaker: And you could live here... Adulated and loved by all your friends and family. Just the way you described, Stuber. This is what you wanted. this is This is it. you care of Your friends and family are right here.
Speaker: This is real. They like us. They love us. We might get renewed. Yeah, it feels pretty good to be a bad boy. And as the the jukebox kind of squeaks out, and I'm going to bang it on the top and kick it back into action.
Speaker: Okay. Perfect. Okay. I'm going to do something. I'm going to see if I can get away with this. This is really, this is such a hard, I want to roll my ability negatives and inspect the place where something once was.
Speaker: And I want to look at Douglas beaches and I want to know where his confidence went. Awesome. Huh?
Speaker: You find yourself pulled into his memories. Oh, I still got roll for it. Oh, then you're going to do that first before I give you any money. Shit! Let's do this. Let's see if you get this.
Speaker: What this? Attentiveness? And I have that, right? Yes, I do.
Speaker: Three. Oh, what happens if I roll a six on the on my big six die? ah Does that count as two threes? I think so. If that counts as two threes, then I rolled a tricendence. Oh.
Speaker: Well, now I want to check. I remember. I've got it yeah somewhere. I got Nope. That's the other. god You have so many abilities, Tucker. It's cut. I know. All I do is this.
Speaker: It's two threes. It's two threes. Okay. Then yeah. Then I rolled a tricendence. Three combinations, three QAs or any number of threes to your roll. Sorry. That's what it is.
Speaker: Commendations, QAs, any number of threes. On every third three, you may say one sentence about what is lost, and that sentence is true.
Speaker: So I... So first of all, on a success, you can see that the lost history, ah you can see the lost history of the place you're inspecting. If a note was removed, you know what it read. If an object was stolen, you know what it was and how it left. Every third three, you may say one sentence about what is lost. And that sentence is true.
Speaker: So I'm going to narrate for a little while. And at any point in time, you can interject with a sentence and feel free to like, boop, you know, yeah and you can make a thing reality.
Speaker: So you asked where his confidence went. And it's going to travel back to when he was in middle school. And he was a child doing door-to-door sales for school, chocolate bars, magazines, what have you. And he never had any success.
Speaker: And then one day, his dad sat him down and said, you need to wear a suit and come off professional and people will respect you. And he went door-to-door. Oh, sorry. One more thing. And his dad said, and bring a pen and paper and take notes, get their name and information really come off like a professional.
Speaker: And he did that. And he went door to door. And that year he sold more than any. And it changed his confidence until soon later as an adult, when he was a teenager going into college,
Speaker: He found out that his dad had used that list and gone to all those locations and offered to buy the chocolate on behalf of his son.
Speaker: So he was not a successful salesperson. His dad had just stepped in to try to do it to give him confidence. And... when When his dad went in to get them to buy those chocolates to give him that confidence, he also used that time inside their house to plan robberies. Oh, Jesus Christ. Wow. Okay. Don't let anybody ever tell you DMing for Triangle Agency is easy. This is like high wire walk the whole way down. Great.
Speaker: Um... He looks further into this notebook and he sees his dad has been casing homes alongside that. And he doesn't know if he's going to turn his father in.
Speaker: Eventually, as his dad ages and he goes to his father's but a hospice bed, he lets him know that he knew about that, that he knew he had been stealing and that he had cheated him in the sales.
Speaker: and his fought And his father looks to him and says, i did it so you would have all the success I wasn't able to provide you on my own.
Speaker: And that's the last memory that Douglas Beaches has of his dad. And his dad died immediately. Well, that's like the last legitimate thing. It's not. No, I'm telling you. oh I'm telling you. Because I can add as many threes as I want, right? Oh, if you don't want. Yeah. If you don't want to have commendations.
Speaker: i No, no, no. I'm just adding. I'm just adding. saying Okay, then yeah, you can continue this. You could make his dad say anything you want if you would rather that. On every third three. I'm adding like 12. Then rewind and add it. Then that you could say, have his dad say anything you want to him. No, no. That's what his dad said. He said that it was beautiful. And then he died immediately and shat himself.
Speaker: And Douglas, not sure how to handle that, looks up and sees an ad playing for a for a like a local Kleenex, local Kleenex, small Kleenex. Like, welcome to lose tissues.
Speaker: ah And that is his inspiration for getting into the advertising world. We pull back to the bar and he's polishing a glass, kind of keeping up that same rigor, like, you know, Vic to smile, but you see a single tear rolling down his cheek.
Speaker: Hey, Douglas. Yeah, kid. What's your, what's your favorite drink here? Um, he stops and goes, you know, it's weird being a bartender who doesn't drink.
Speaker: uh, yeah I only get to drink water here. We don't carry anything else. So I haven't really thought about what but I like in a long while.
Speaker: Well, do you really like the water? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like water. what Why don't you sell me a glass of water? You got it. I can do that. Takes a second. Composes himself.
Speaker: How you doing there? if You look like you've had a hard day. That weight of the world coming down on you. You don't really know when you're going to find relief. You go home. People fighting.
Speaker: Look to the closet. There's no snacks. Look to your fridge. There's no drinks you want. And then you look to your sink. And a single cold dew drop falls.
Speaker: And it looks refreshing. And then you look over to your cupboard. and you see the childhood Disneyland cup that you've had since you were a kid that's been tucked away to the back. You walk over and you grab it, you pour yourself a glass of water, and you take a drink, and it takes you all back to your childhood.
Speaker: Because water is really the only constant you've had in your life. Try it. And he slides you the glass of water. Holy crap, Douglas, that was beautiful. Take a sip.
Speaker: I tell you what, that's the best glass of water I've ever had. And and you you sold that to me real well. You know, I think you are a good salesman.
Speaker: And I don't think you need all of this, as fun as it is, to be good at what you do or to feel good about what you do.
Speaker: You feel me? He nods. He takes a second and he undoes his little bartender apron. He takes the the little bar rag and he slings it over and he walks up to the stairs and he looks out to you guys at the bar and he clicks off the light.
Speaker: Be careful. The croissant mod will getcha. Ha ha ha! um There's a moment after he leaves and you feel this vibration through the room.
Speaker: The audience disappears and fades out like laughter kind of fading out from as the credits begin to roll. And you look out, actually, and we're to have that happen. It'll be like, oh, he's never played by la la la la. Like...
Speaker: various members of the ensemble and credits. people And you see this strange humanoid-like thing walk out. Its limbs are made of celluloid film, and it's got that big cigar that you used to imagine old fifty s era directors. It's got the cap and everything, and it's got the megaphone in its hand. And as you look at it... Each little cell of the film is of some kind of ah a product or ice cream or things like that that just nostalgic and brings you joy.
Speaker: You did good work with that kid, didn't you? You think he's going to be happy? sodo a That he's good enough without me? Hello, I'm Stubert. I know who you are.
Speaker: And I'm Felix. And that's Parabelle. You started a real ominous sort of bad guy narrative without introducing yourself to us. And I feel like we should just establish. to Take all the dramatic. iron you Use some connections. It's a third act moment, kid. This is television. Use all the dots and realize I'm the kid's anomaly. Jesus Christ. Also, please don't smoke inside. We're not in the courtroom. Okay.
Speaker: Just. He takes the cigar and he puts it out. Turn that off. You're gonna let him go? That poor kid? I made him the happiest he's ever been. Okay.
Speaker: But did that make you happy?
Speaker: I'm happy making people happy. People like seeing a world they want to see. They envision a Western where they can be a hero. They envision an action scene where they can swoop in and save the day. We didn't cut to that. We cut that because whatever. But that's my job is to give people fantasy.
Speaker: Sell them things. But it's all fake. You know, Douglas isn't really happy. He just thinks he is.
Speaker: We're going to get awfully metaphysical here, but I would say if I think I'm happy, I'm happy. Okay. I feel like you weren't doing the best for that guy. Like, he was, like, just really sad, and um he really wasn't finding himself, but, like, there's some good you could do, like, somewhere else. Like, what about people who can't make their own happiness because they're not totally alive right now?
Speaker: Coma! Coma people! Let's use you for people in comas so you can help them make nice memories. Holy shit, that's a really good idea.
Speaker: Holy shit, Bear Bell. I mean, holy shit, Bear Bell. The anomaly pause and goes, let's strike a deal. You keep me free.
Speaker: I'll do some work for you. I'll help the sick, the invalid, the needy. You let me run one single network. One show. No disruptions.
Speaker: Does that network suck people's souls in and not let them leave or have them involuntarily perform in your ads? He sits for a second and goes, No, I just want a be able to to communicate.
Speaker: Sell people things. Tell your story. Tell any story. People like stories. Oh... I'm going to sidebar with my gang real quick. Hey gang, sidebar!
Speaker: Yes. Listen to me, this seems like a really good idea. I think we're doing good here. You know what I mean? No one has to die. know creature has to get bound into some sort of horrible a metaphysical ball for all eternity.
Speaker: Seems like a win-win. You know what I mean? Also, we can put the channel on du like or like a really like under marketed subscription. Sure. Yeah.
Speaker: But like you need to subscribe to see the channel and then we don't market that platform. But, you know, these things are a genius. You guys, I don't know. Something happened.
Speaker: That is genius, but what if he gets more powerful? These anomalies tend to spiral out of control, and soon this isn't going to be enough for him. I think he's just telling us what we want to hear. He is a good salesman.
Speaker: That's true, but I think he just needed someone to sell back to him, you know? I don't think all the anomalies go go mad with power. has Has your anomaly gone mad with power? Nate flashes back to the last time he spoke to his anomaly and it scared the shit out of him. Oh, shit. I totally forgot. I forgot. Yeah, but it didn't go mad with power.
Speaker: I don't know. I don't know. ah guess I guess you're right. Just saying. For this mission, we put the gun down and the briefcase away. And maybe we get ourselves an ally against more dangerous things.
Speaker: You know? if If we give him a name tag, is he technically part of the company and that way we can justify ourselves later? Mayhap.
Speaker: Don't see why not. Great. All right, but this is going to be on you guys. If this blows up, the bosses not going to happy, guys. You can kill it if you want to. no, no. Hey, wait. So it's equal responsibility. I thought we're all on the same page. I think we're all on the same page. You guys have a moment of freedom. You can do anything you want. And it sounds like you've got your agreement. He extends his film-like hand out to you.
Speaker: I'm here if you need me. Well, thank you. We are here if you need us. And I shake his film rolls. Fabulous. I'm going to make all three of you stars.
Speaker: And he rolls up into a film canister and rolls away. No, no, that was too ominous. Let's move on to our favorite part of the job, and that's filling out the paperwork.
Speaker: Favorite part! Favorite part! ah Give me a second. Talk about music licensing. Totally.
Speaker: You guys, what is the name of this anomaly? The producer. i know that's boring, but that's my guess. Producer, yeah. That's good. The producer, we all said confidently. The producer.
Speaker: Yeah, the producer. What was its behavior? Selling things.
Speaker: yeah I think so, too. Making selling things and shows. And what was its focus then? How did where did it like manifest itself? No, that's sorry. That's the domain. The focus is what was it doing? TV shows and ads. Basically, what was it doing to create those things?
Speaker: Now to give you guys a little bit of bad news. Whenever an anomaly escapes, you all receive three demerits. Each time an anomaly escapes, seven loose ends are going to exist in the branch, in addition to any of the loose... Oh, shit!
Speaker: ah Well... Oh, that's put us over the threshold, right? Well, did it escape, though? It's a member of the agency. I say we go to Kurt. Kurt to court. Triangle court at the beginning of the next episode to see if that's this. Seeing as Tucker's character has an ability where he can communicate and befriend escaped anomalies, it definitely falls under that um category, unfortunately. So let's continue on. yeah ah i believe Nate is the only one who got demerits.
Speaker: in addition to any of the other ones. I don't think you guys turned off a TV at any point. um And then i believe, Ivana, I'm going to give you the croissant, man. Yes! Yes! So you will receive MVP, most likely, when I do the total.
Speaker: If you're listening this long, you know the drill. We've had such a fun time working on this project. We want to thank all the people who have been involved with this. That's Ivana, Tucker, Nate. You guys have been doing such a great job. Thank you for putting up with the frantic schedule as we try to maintain our regular lives.
Speaker: I want to thank Blood Boy. You guys put together a fantastic soundtrack for our intro and outro music. Everyone, please look them up on Spotify. Give them a listen. They've got some cool albums out there. I want to thank Sean and Caleb, the creators of Triangle Agency. I've had so much fun with this book. All I do is think about running another campaign. I can't wait to do it again. Anyone who's been listening to this reached out to us on social media, found our Discord. You know where to look for it. If it is, it's in the show notes. Or you can just message us at beatourquest at gmail.com. I've really appreciated communicating with people and hearing what they have to say about it. Speaking of feedback, if you've enjoyed this at all, please leave us a review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever you're listening. Or if you have left us a review, send us to a friend, family member, fellow TTRPG player, somebody you work with.
Speaker: Let's get some more visibility on this. We really appreciate it. Thanks for everything. Bye. Oh, and Tucker says he loves you.
