Transcript
Speaker: This is Beat Our Quest, an improvised comedy role-playing podcast using the Triangle Agency System, where we believe in recycling. This is Beat Our Quest, where we believe in recycling.
Speaker: This is Beat Our Quest. Tabulating all of our scores during last mission, it's pretty apparent that Diego Bibi ran away with the most demerits, far more than anyone else picked up on the team. So he, the CEO, is going to be on probation. When the the manager announced... is it like golf? Golf?
Speaker: For the CEO? He's probably paid probation. The CEO's played false. It's definitely a paid leave. ah the The manager has a gleeful attitude as he gets to write that the CEO who was looking to replace him is going to be put on that probation. And then he looks to Felix, who, after finding that secret milkshake recipe, just totally ran away with the number of commendations. That and that great moment where you just set yourself up to scare a bunch of birds. Yeah.
Speaker: and Really, really good. And that concludes all of the paperwork from our last session.
Speaker: Tucker Dally Johnston as Stuart Stuart Burtmeier. Nate Valentine as Felix Fuzzworth. Ivana Maria Mendez-Babon as Barabel.
Speaker: Barabel.
Speaker: ah Last time, we continued to our two-part adventure with your quote-unquote undercover boss, BB, played by Diego Perez. So grateful for our guest player. You continued hunting down these enormous ah ethereal spider legs that had landed in various places in time and caused these warping of reality and changing the way that people were able to speak and communicate with one another. um You also found an egg that was dripping secrets of one another. And the longer you spent near it, the more that secret radioactivity began to emerge and our players confessed deeper and deeper secrets about themselves. So much that it might have actually affected their day-to-day lives when they were communicating with the close relationships in their lives. um
Speaker: We find our players now standing in the office having ah reported to the manager. So the the manager is sitting there and he goes, all right, ah listen, it's not terribly hard. No secret to you guys. I'm not heartbroken that our CEO was not really good at his job. So we're going to have you guys fill out some reports in a little bit of time to discuss what your experience was like working with him. If you guys would go off into the main office, I'll connect with you guys shortly.
Speaker: Are you allowed to criticize our CEOs were? ah I will be putting it in as an anonymous complaint. I like that. Passive aggressive. Didn't know this side of you. We can do that. We can make anonymous complaints. No, we remove the the comment box whenever you guys come into the building. I thought I kept seeing something out the corner of my eye just slip away every time I looked over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, those are those little holes on the wall. Okay. Okay.
Speaker: She puts those back in. You see the secretary's like clutching a little wooden box in the corner. You guys don't look right now, but if you look, but if you look, if you decide, if you dare look at the corner, you're going to see what I was telling you about the caveman style.
Speaker: you see how her skin is kind of peeling off, but she's trying to hide it with some concealer. We all see it, babe. I, I, I, I'm going to take a personal day. And she sets down the comment box and like leaves the room.
Speaker: I really wish you weren't so mean to her. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk. I'm just trying to help her as a friend. She needs to have a tougher skin if she wants to get into this business. We're friends like these who need sea anemones, you know what I mean? yeah I do not.
Speaker: i yeah I have to um fill out the rest of this guy's pip. If you guys would please leave my office, I'm going to go drink from my enjoyment snifter of brandy. He's got two little snifters, one labeled sad and happy, and he starts pulling up the happy one.
Speaker: Oh, sure. All right. We'll see you later, boss. yeah that I'm going to grab four mints on my way out. Four mints? Yeah. Great. Do you guys want one?
Speaker: I stole this. I'm okay. hey Hey, where did the new CEO go? Because we were we did the mission, and then he was just gone, and now he's apparently in trouble. Please don't call attention to the metagame of having guest players. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Hey, no problem. Don't want to. Hey, that's it. Yeah, I think the the agency knows. I want to draw attention to the metagame of that damn speaker. The agency knows what's best. I'm sure you know they probably just ah managed him out or did ah did a little reorg. He's probably managing and different team because we're so self-sufficient now, you know? Great. Of course.
Speaker: He was a great boss. I think I'm really going to miss him. If I could catch that comment box, I have a thought or two, but he was nice. And he gave me this new cool nickname, Double Yeah, do we still gotta call you that?
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, if you if you think it's cool, I think it's cool. If there's no comment box, why don't we make our own? And leave our own comments.
Speaker: Oh, I think what you're describing is getting very close to unionizing. And I don't want i don't want to upset anybody. Fine. Then I'm going to keep a small notepad where I'm going to make all the comments I wish I could write into that box. And I will keep them here and in my purse. And if you ever need to vent, you let me know. And you can just write your deepest, darkest secrets in this notepad.
Speaker: That you keep in your purse? Yes. so For protection. So I just write them to steal.
Speaker: I won't look at it, I promise. Here, why don't you try it? Here, here take this notepad. Why don't you write down something about yourself? It's really liberating. I journal every morning on a different journal that I keep at home. All right, I'm going write something down.
Speaker: Oh, my God. shit What are you writing down? It's a secret. Oh, okay. Check our Discord to find out. Oh, man. make Nate, make a note of when this episode comes out.
Speaker: um Should we move into you guys spending time? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, I do want to call attention to the secrets that I do think are really interesting is one. Nate, you're an adult illiterate, which maybe they want to finally start breaking into that. And Tucker, you did confess to faking your accent.
Speaker: I don't know if those are things you would want to address at some point in time. I did mention that. um But let's let's just move on forward as you guys return to your homes. Felix.
Speaker: Tell us about Jezebel. Jezebel is a alley cat that tends to frequent the dumpster behind my apartment complex.
Speaker: And I have chatted with her once or twice. And, you know, we're kind of like friends. She's like my buddy. like ah She's like a buddy. Oh, chat. Okay. Yeah.
Speaker: Okay. Okay. Sometimes we've got cans of tuna for her. Okay. okay um Ivana, do you have questions? Because I have a lot of questions, but we can broach those as we So I thought of a question, and then I realized how dumb that question was. I'm keeping it to myself. There are no dumb questions, just people. Okay. Can Jezebel read? ah No.
Speaker: yeah Is Jezebel teaching you to read? teaching See, told you I think it's a great question. you ah You've had a long day, and maybe you're starting to feel the loneliness of um your how different you are to everyone else in your group. you know you've You've had the success in this managerial position. You're leaving your coworkers in the dust. How do you handle that? Yeah, well, you know, I'm going to...
Speaker: crack open a couple cans of tuna and I have a little folding lawn chair that normally just sits in my living room facing my tiny TV and I'm going to fold it up and bring it downstairs and just set it up next to the dumpster and, uh, put one can of tuna on the ground in hopes that Jezebel or another like stray cat comes and, you know, eat my dinner by the dumpster in the alleyway. I know you when you say crack a tuna, like I know what you're saying, but a part of me just envisions like you cracking a beer, like it's tuna. And so you have a can and you also have these like beer shaped tuna cans that you're drinking from.
Speaker: And I'm trying not to let the nausea overwhelm me. ah you ah Just in like a full suit. you sit you You plop your thing out and eventually you see this patchy black and white cat ah pop its head around the corner and slowly start making its way to the can.
Speaker: and And she looks at you and she goes, Hello, Felix. She's French. Good to see you.
Speaker: and she gesture reach to the ken Is this one mine? That's yours. Do your regular order. Dolphin free? do ah No dolphin? Yeah. i I guess. I don't know. i I try to read the back. I'm pretty sure dolphin-free. Oh, no. Okay. Oh, no. Neither one can read. That's good. it's important too It's important to me. You know that. So what brings you out here to today, Felix? How is your quote-unquote job working for the man? Oh, it's been it's been tough. You know, they're working me hard. I'm, you know, I'm doing really well. I've been really successful so far. Really, you know,
Speaker: pretty early on in my career i'm having good good reviews and stuff but man it's just you know it's tired and i have no time to be me kind of figure out who i am you know i feel like my whole life is work it's tough it's so you know my whole life is running away and trying not to be killed by animals so we we could compare lives if you like i've already lost the french accent it's already gone out the window Yeah, I mean, I don't know how many animals there are in the city that are attacking you, but, you know, I grew up in a farm and there was, you know, coyotes and animals. And I know what it's like.
Speaker: I'm not trying to... It's not a popularity contest. I'm just saying... You asked me how I was. So, you know. You know, Felix, you know, maybe this is me becoming a little strong, but you would be safer if I were to live in your apartment.
Speaker: You know, we could... i you know I can't pay rent, but I could i would be you know we could spend more time together. we could Yeah, I just think I'm not quite ready for that step yet, Jezebel.
Speaker: But, you know maybe you know, maybe in a couple more months or something. if we Months? Months, yeah. We'll have to take you to the vet and make sure you don't have any fleas and stuff. Vet?
Speaker: how come we have you How come you're not that kind of about taking yourself to a vet, huh? In months, in cat lives, in cat years. How long is several months in that? That's like two years. All right, all right, cat months. Now I found the accent. i had to really grind into it. but this Yeah, you know, we just you know give you a shower, get you a couple of vaccinations, and then you know we can talk again. We can revisit this.
Speaker: um Well... You know, right now we don't even see the eye to eye because I'll tell you this, Felix. I don't believe in any of those vaccination things. It's an RFK cat. RF cat.
Speaker: and we could We could end that scene there. I don't think we're good. Yeah, yeah let's let's just argue about politics in character for 10 more minutes. it's Just get on the line and be like, no, I want somebody to get in the text and be like, I think that cat who doesn't believe in vaccinations is right.
Speaker: and yeah Let's go to Stubert. Yeah, sure. Stubert, same thing. You're leaving the office. How did you get home? Well, I got into ah my car, which, um as we all remember from one of the previous episodes where I definitely didn't just make it up, is a 2009 Toyota, I think, probably. That sounds right.
Speaker: You're clicking into the ignition, you get the car going, and as you're driving to your home, you see a billboard. It has the words, you could be a lot happier with a bottle of Thompson's energy drink.
Speaker: You want to be happy, don't you, Stubert? What the hell was that? Oh, goodness. Am I losing my mind? constant energy drink. Have I seen that somewhere? It didn't say, Stubert. That'd be crazy. Someone would have had to have spent money on that billboard. You know what I'm saying, Stubert? I'm talking to myself in my own car. Hey, that's okay. Sometimes you just drive and talk to yourself. You're having a weird day.
Speaker: So eventually you get home where you have ah Abby has been waiting for you. The same thing we've always let you do when you have some free time to explore your anomaly. um What is there a power or something that you want to experiment with? And how would you spend that time?
Speaker: Yes. Um, I have a new ability that I haven't gotten chance to use a lot. Actually, you know what?
Speaker: I'm going to use an old ability that I haven't had a chance. I've trying to find a place to use this ability, and I've never been able to use it. Stuvert has an ability called negatives, where you inspect the place where something once was and roll attentiveness.
Speaker: On a success, you can see the lost history of the place you're inspecting. If a note was removed, you know what it read. If an object was stolen, you know what it was and how it left.
Speaker: And i I've been trying to figure out how to do that. So for me right now, ah there is a mysterious stain on the wall of my apartment.
Speaker: I want to know what... I want to use my ability to know what was there before... that left that stain. Okay. Okay. So, Stupor, you focus for a while and you see ah Abby kind of generate and you feel memories pulling from this stain.
Speaker: You told me that the only thing you wanted for your birthday was my mom's spaghetti. Not my spaghetti, but my mom's spaghetti. It's not my fault. I've been telling you for years. You should take a lesson from her. Your mother's a professional chef. You're a data analyst. what are you even doing in the kitchen?
Speaker: been ow i think my mom stayed up for years and everyone says her spaghetti is the worst spaghetti is the worst thing on her menu i've been trying to elevate do you not understand the amount of hours that i've dedicated to this sauce you don't want you can't cook with data you gotta cook with your heart cindy you don't want this sauce you know you know who wants the sauce i bet timothy from 4c wants the sauce hey timothy hey timothy do you want some of this sauce you leave him out this you only caught us together two times do you want to get some of this sauce timothy bang on the wall twice if you want to get some of this sauce
Speaker: Bang bang and then she grabs the sauce and throws it on the wall. There you go Timothy! God I love you when you're like this never change!
Speaker: Whoa, uh wow that was...huh. You know, I got to agree with the with the husband there, because this stain is a very deep brownish green, and I don't think any sauce is supposed to be that common.
Speaker: Where'd that come from? Oh, gosh, did they move one apartment above me? We're doing demonstrably better now! I know, Timothy.
Speaker: let's say Great. Cool. Yeah. That's you. And you get to, whenever you increase your stat, oh my God, I forget this every single time. What do you do? You get to ask a question, right?
Speaker: you Yes. Well, I practice, ah do I practice it? This time it was the practice. and Oh, this time's the practice and the next time you ask the question. Great. So just, you know, check your practice. bydi biging buto dialogue um bone And then let's move to barrabel yeah How are you doing? Are you dealing with any kind of deep dread over what you maybe have said to your daughter and having to talk to her? Where are you going?
Speaker: Barabel is walking home and just playing her sad playlist on her AirPods. As she walks home, she listens to Miley Cyrus's The Climb. And whenever she can't cross a street, she leans on a lamppost and stares out into the street or the sky longingly. You know, that, you know, that see those moments where the song fades out and you hear a Spotify ad kind of just picks back up again is like, ha boy, that song sure is a classic for a reason. And when you're looking for a reason to climb out of the funk, why don't you buy yourself a new bag from Stitches? If it's not a Stitchy, you don't want it.
Speaker: Isn't that right, Barabel? Maybe a nice gift for your daughter? I have to tell Elon to stop messing with my Spotify.
Speaker: ah So she wants to make it home to try to have a conversation. serious conversation. Nate, ah where are you in the home? have How are you handling this?
Speaker: I am... in the living room with reality TV on in the background, just texting all of my friends kind of frantically like, oh my God, I can't believe this. My mom says I'm adopted. And, you know, um I'm seeing if there's places I can sleep tonight or, you know, considering running away for for the weekend. Classic acts of teenage angst.
Speaker: Hi, honey. How are you? I brought you some mini cupcakes from Stacy's. How am I?
Speaker: I'm not great, Mom. Yeah. I figured I got a call from your school and they told me you skipped gym. you remember- They told me that you said you were on your period. Yeah.
Speaker: I didn't know you were on your period right now. Well, that's besides the point, actually. I'm i'm upset. Well, what do you mean? the tracker says The tracker says that you're not on your period yet. The tracker is not 100% accurate, Mom. Do we need to have a talk? Do we need to have the talk, honey?
Speaker: I... Are you and your boyfriend, you know, no doing some deeds that you don't maybe want to talk to your mom about? I know about sex, Mom. I'm on TikTok. Oh, yikes. That's worse. oh I don't know. Where do you think I learned all those cool dances? You know I'm on TikTok.
Speaker: We filmed TikToks together. didn't know they talked about sex on TikTok. I thought, well, yes. It's not in my algorithm. What are you looking on? You know, that's not really here nor there. I get puppies, babies, and cute dances.
Speaker: You know, sometimes the algorithm gets a mind with someone, but the point is, I know what sex is. Me and Justin are not having sex. We're just, you know, sometimes we do over-the-pants stuff, but no one's going to get pregnant. Oh but my goodness. Your mother does not know. Tell me more. Tell me more. I'm lying. I want to know all.
Speaker: I want to know everything. are you being safe? You need to buy, do you need me to buy you any protection? do you need me to, uh, rent you a room in a hotel? Do you need me to call a sexologist so you find out really who you are inside? Um, I can do any of those things for you.
Speaker: Uh, no, I, I don't. I, I, we're, you know, we're not, we're not going have sex, mom. It's totally, it's no big deal. We're just, you know, We're just having fun and fooling around. I'm not ready to, you know, take that step yet.
Speaker: That's my smart girl. I'm so proud of you. And we don't need you to rent the hotel room because Justin's parents travel for work all the time. So we just go fool around in his bedroom. Oh, maybe maybe that was an overshare. Sorry, mom. That's my smarter girl. I'm actually proud of you for sharing.
Speaker: And I will definitely not put any cameras at the entrance of his house to know when you guys are coming in and out of the house. Cut to me going in through the going in through the back window for the rest of my life, because now I know that she's putting cameras there.
Speaker: Babe. Babe. Hey. It's me, Justin. Hey, I'm going to kind of close the door a little bit. sort I heard you needed to leave your house immediately because your mom was being a suffocating bitch, and she said some horrible things, and like you're adopted whatever, so I'm going to get you into the back of the sedan, and we're going to go, babe. All right? You can stay- What's that, Justin?
Speaker: Is that Justin I here? Is she here right now? Blink your eyes. yeah If you need to save you. No, uh, mom, it's just the, um, it's ah it's an Amazon delivery guy, uh, uh, uh,
Speaker: zamma zamagon delivery guy and uh just you can say amazon we've said spotify earlier oh right okay fang companies are fine um is it zamagon the amazon delivery man that's right that's a good call uh justin my mom's here i think we're just gonna stay in you should probably go where she's gonna she's gonna corner you and make you answer a lot of questions about stuff you don't want to talk about Well, but what about you? What about your your health and your safety and your your toxic relationship with your overbearing mother? Uh, you know, yeah, I'm probably going to have to pick that up tomorrow. I think, you know, she just ordered, like, two pepperoni pizzas, and she told me I could pick what movie to watch.
Speaker: So, you know how it is sometimes. It's like, you know, mother-daughter stuff. Okay, babe. All right. I trust you. I trust your judgment. All right? If this is what you think is best, but you just you keep in communication, okay? If you need- Hey, honey! right Make sure when you text Justin, you let him know that I know his parents might not be around all the time because they travel for work so much, but- If he needs someone to talk to or just an adult to like confide in, I'm here for him. Anything he needs, if he needs to sign permission slips or anything, I'm here for him. And i just want to support your relationship as much as I can. Babe, did you tell your mom about my parents? Did you tell her about our over-the-pants stuff, too? No, no, if we don't of course not.
Speaker: No, that's totally between us. i know right I know you're shy about that stuff. I trust you that that you're telling the truth and that you'd never betray me and that, you know, everything you say is above board and I just want to make sure you're safe and love you.
Speaker: oh that's so sweet. That's so sweet of you to say. right I'm going to go watch movies with my mom. Bye. have to end that there because this is devastating. That scene was such a weird choice. I loved Tucker, I'm sorry. have to say, Tucker, I love you too. felt really mean to snub you.
Speaker: Couldn't let that go unresolved.
Speaker: You guys have some time passes again. it's It's been a while. You don't get any calls from the agency. And each one of you almost have a feeling of, like, nervousness. It feels like it's been so long. You previously have gotten weird telegrams or skywriting or things like that, and nothing's come through. So almost out of instinct and compulsion, the three of you find yourself drawn to the agency at 9 a.m. m one morning.
Speaker: Oh, hey, Felix. you Hey, did you get a you get a call? I thought... It's weird bumping into you. I'm here and you know I was like, hey, I still have a job, right? Not that they pay me or anything, but like, hey, what's going on? You know what I mean? So have you heard have you word anything?
Speaker: No, I haven't heard anything either. And you know I thought it was going really nice to like just go home and crack a couple cold ones and relax after working so hard the past few weeks. but Then I started to get kind of stir crazy. and And so it's funny that we're both here at the same exact time. I just thought I would come make sure I still had a job or see what's going on.
Speaker: Yeah, you know. Hey, you know, if you like cracking cold ones, come down to the with the boys and I and we can go bowling. We love a few beers. You know what i mean? Cold ones, beers. We're all on the same page. Yeah. ah Yeah, that's totally beers. um I'd love to go learn to bowl with you. What?
Speaker: And hi, Stuber. What are you guys doing here? um that didn need a second What are you up to? Did you also leave your water bottle at your desk and have to casually come back and pick it up?
Speaker: Yeah, basically, we just want It's been like a week. Yeah, yeah what have you... It's going to be so disgusting and mildewy. From one week? What are you putting in your water bottle?
Speaker: i put water. My mouth. don't know, I guess I'm kind of... I guess I'm just a little bit more of a germaphobe than you are, Barabel. But, no, we just wanted to see... You know, we we hadn't gotten a call in a while. We wanted to see...
Speaker: What the deal was if they had any work for us, you know? Have you done a mission, Barabel? I can't confirm or deny that. What? Damn it!
Speaker: As you guys walk in, you see a TV monitor that has weather alert emblazoned across it on the little...
Speaker: What is it called? What's the there's a it's a name for the thing that like goes along the bottom of the TV? Ticker? Oh, the thing that goes along the bottom of the TV? Truckstop Barnacle. The ticker. Oh, there's an actual word for it?
Speaker: I need Ivana and Tucker to each roll a D20. Oh, Lord. D20. What a I haven't touched one of those in a while. That's the heavy one.
Speaker: That's 15. What's the meme? Like, I haven't heard that name in years. D20? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Six. Okay, so two things are going to happen. Oh, God. that You guys rolled so well. Yes! Woo! You see two agents who you recognize come up as news reporters.
Speaker: um on the Weather Channel. And they they looked through they're like, we're excited to announce that in today's weather, we've captured several loose ends who've managed to escape.
Speaker: In total, we've captured... it di di di di duoo Seven of the 22 loose ends that have escaped and affected the nation. There are 22 loose ends. We are able to keep our society safe and prevent any type of horrible structural collapse, thanks to the hard work of these agents. And a list of, like, agents' names come up that you've never heard of before. And um they'll be receiving exceptional commendations and praise.
Speaker: The camera does add 15 pounds, huh? Kimberly did not look like that last week. Is she pregnant?
Speaker: She could be pregnant. Because she's glowing? What? Anyway. ah we You guys are ushered in ah to your space. And you're expecting to see your manager, the secretary.
Speaker: But instead, you see an older woman with glasses on like a chain thing. And she's got a clipboard. um And she tightens them up and looks and goes, oh, hello.
Speaker: I'm so happy to see you all. I'm sure you know that we've had some unfortunate changes in our company. um I'm Dorbra from HR. I'm here to discuss with all of you and some issues we might have had. Can you all take a seat? And she gestures and three little chairs rise up out of the ground.
Speaker: No, I can't make fun of you because you're old. Oh. christ So she sits down and rubs her hands together and goes, some simple questions. There's no right or wrong answers. We're just looking for honesty from each of you. Okay? Okay. Sure, absolutely.
Speaker: She looks to Barabel first and goes, Barabel, if we were allowed to extract one of your five senses permanently for team building reasons and donate it to the rest of the squad, which of your senses would you be willing to volunteer? um i think my emotional connections.
Speaker: That's your one of your strongest senses, you think? is your Yeah. I feel like my fashion sense I would keep, ah but just relating to others and like just finding connections, that's something I could let go of. Very good. Very good. I think that's very insightful and tells a lot about you.
Speaker: ah Next, ah Mr. Fuzzworth. Mm-hmm. As of this time in your current employment, which of your hands has gotten better at letting you know how it feels?
Speaker: Oh, um, I guess my left hand, because that's one I use to do things with. Very good. Can you give us an example of one time which yeah your left hand communicated with you? um Well, what the fuck? Yeah, you know, um one time i was working really late in the office and I fell asleep and I was laying on my side really awkwardly, really awkwardly, and my left hand started to like
Speaker: tingle and sizzle and kind of let me know that i was laying on my hand and sitting on it and crushing it and i thought that was a um really good example of my hand communicating with me and letting me know something very interesting felix this is why the manager has such high praise for you yeah it must be really stubert yeah Yes.
Speaker: When you consider that your choices in life are simply neurons and chemicals firing off, telling your brain to react in a particular way, way creating the illusion of free will, does that change how you feel about our office's parking policy?
Speaker: Yeah, i I wish I had a closer spot. Or a spot. We have a parking lot? Oh, yes. You weren't awarded a badge. all what Would I have one now? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, well, of course, we'll have that printed up with you with the lion. that that would make my neurons feel really good.
Speaker: Mmm, I like that, I like that. Very good. We like to make them cook in your brain. um Prem, thank you for all being honest. us Just a few more questions, please. Barabel? Huh?
Speaker: If you were to replace your loved ones with letters of the alphabet, which would you assign to your three loved ones? That's a really tough question because there's only 26 letters, right?
Speaker: event ah ah write that down. None of them really.
Speaker: So I think I'm going to start looking into a different languages alphabet. um Let's maybe go into Spanish because they have 27 letters and I can go for, give me one second.
Speaker: N, the letter N. Very good. yeah The middle one. Jesus Christ. That that was good. That's very good. Felix, if you could go back in time and rename the Jock Jams album to anything else, what would it be?
Speaker: Um, Jock Jams.
Speaker: I guess I'll pretend in character like I know what that is. um I will call it Purrfect. You know what Jock Jams is? I i truly don't. it's the like It's the thing that is on every pump-up soundtrack. Yeah.
Speaker: Not ringing a bell. You will Spotify it later and be thrilled. Jock jams. Jock jams. You'll know exactly. I'm going to call it Purrfect Tunes. P-U-R-R-R-R-R. Nice. And stupid.
Speaker: We have an exciting opportunity in the research and development department where we are allowed to change the weight of the soul. Would you like it to be heavier or lighter? From 21.3
Speaker: When you say change the weight, are you like scooping bits off or adding bits to it? Yeah, yeah. Soldering on. Just weld that right onto the sole. We'll put little lead weights on it. Oh, I guess... I guess make it lighter. You know, stop the bad dreams. Peculiar. Good choice.
Speaker: All right. We're going to take this documentation. If you would please follow the staircase upstairs, your manager will be very excited to see you. Will he? Oh. He's usually not. Felix and Barabel.
Speaker: Actually, real quickly, psychologically, Felix, we've never talked about this. What do you present as? so Just a straight white business dude? Psychologically? What do you mean?
Speaker: Yeah, like i not even psychologically, like like like to visually do you identify like the the do you identify as a straight white person? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think I think i actually did say that explicitly in the first episode. But yeah. So when you open the door to this room, ah you just see a staircase. It's just a straight staircase up. ah Same with you, Stubert. And you see just like a nice golden plateau leading to the next area. ah But Barabel, it's a new for you. It's something different. You see this horrifying whirling dervish of glass blades and spikes above you. Maybe just like.
Speaker: is it because I'm a woman? Oh, my God. However you want to interpret what that represent manifestation is. It's because I'm a woman. Office metaphors are becoming reality. Because because life is harder over here sometimes. You know, sometimes blades come at you.
Speaker: um but bu So the two of you walk your way up the stairs, but you notice that Barabell stays behind. Barabell, you okay? We got to go and meet the manager. He's not usually happy when we when we're late, even though we weren't supposed to be here.
Speaker: I don't want to die. It can't be that bad. It's just a meeting, you know? just you know Yeah. Yeah. um I have a feeling that maybe we're not experiencing the same thing. Because right now, you are standing on a sword.
Speaker: and you're not in vain. ah No? Uh-oh! A blade just went through you! but all right Are the blades in the room with us right You're not bleeding. Why are you not bleeding? I don't understand. am I losing my mind?
Speaker: Am I losing my mind? Excuse me, Ma'am? ma'am Yes, dearie. And she like pops her head through the door. so the staircase is very scary.
Speaker: as i as As a member of HR, I'm not really supposed to comment on the difficulties of climbing the staircase.
Speaker: should i But gal to gal, I'm aware. It's because we're women, isn't it? i I can't say that. Okay. right, you guys. um I ah guess I'm just going to close my... Can one of you give me your hand? The last time I tried to ah give you anything that I had touched, you threw it on the ground and said, not now.
Speaker: i don't remember that, but that does sound like me. well I'll give it a try. I'll i'll hold out my hand. Screw you. I don't need any of you. i I can help myself. That's what you said the last time. i i There we go. that Now I remember. um is in your way Nope, that is not me.
Speaker: this is me a better ba And the object's small enough to carry. Sorry, can you describe the staircase one more time for me so I can... It's the regular staircase, but on the way up you see these, like, spinning glass blades, like saw blades that come whirling by, or, like, big glass-like spears that come puncturing across. Okay.
Speaker: Cool.
Speaker: says a lot that the two men aren't jumping to help you. No, it's okay. They don't see it. I was just offering, and then she said no. I can't see what's happening. They can't see it. All right. So then what I'm going to do is What's that over there?
Speaker: And I'm going to point her right behind me, and it's going to be one of those suits. I'm gonna roll for it. But it's ideally one of those suits that they use to ah train, like, pit bulls to latch. Like, canine unit. of dr Yeah. Let me roll. Hold up. Roll. Yeah, as long as you don't totally botch it. Two threes, so I should have at least one three in it. Yeah, attentiveness. I don't have it, but I have one three. Okay. it Doesn't matter. yeah you You assemble that canine unit is lying there on ah that whatever it's called.
Speaker: Suit. The foam suit. You adorn the foam suit and run your way up through the staircase. Going in! Spider! it It all gets ripped apart, cut apart, and the back, it's like, it just says, uh, women elevating women has just been cut out of the back of the, uh, the suit, but you manage to make your way up without being harmed. It's a sexist staircase. Yes, it's the glass ceiling.
Speaker: bitch. Not in 2026. You open the door and there you see ah your manager is standing about and he's looking over a bunch of folders. He's kind of got them laid out on a desk and he's got a bunch of ah candidates there um to be interviewed.
Speaker: Oh, hey, boss, what's going on? We didn't hear from you. We were worried. We got maybe a little bit fired, and then we showed up here, and we were all saying nice things to each other, and then um we talked to the HR lady, and she had some weird questions, and then I don't know what's going on with Barabelle, but you can see for yourself.
Speaker: I demand a raise! I like that initiative. Bearbell, you're going to get a raise. You're going to take it out of Stubart's check. Now, we... are All right, look, I... Wait, can I have a raise?
Speaker: Yeah, I love that initiative. There you go. Have a raise. Sure. Stubart, did you want to ask something? Thanks. Can I take it out of Stubart's check, too? Yeah, if you want to. I was going to take it out of your general payrolls, but yeah, yeah, yeah, you can take it out of Stubart's check. Stubart, anything you want to ask for? Just wanted to know. Be careful. you There's a right and a wrong answer to this question, Stubart.
Speaker: You know, sir, I'm okay exactly where I am. Thank you. It's that lack of initiative that's going to keep you there. Now, so the manager looks over to you guys I think it's about time.
Speaker: I have to start know looking to grow myself, and I'm learning to delegate. So I have a stack of potential anomalized individuals who we think could be future hires. I want you to break up and interview some of them. I've got a pile. Just grab one. And he hands them out to you.
Speaker: And we're gonna see how you do and you test your judgment, if you will. Just to confirm, they would be like our underlings, right? Like we would still priority. Yeah.
Speaker: Correct. You would be, ah and you'd be thrilled to know this, Barabel. You'll be middle management. my dream. yeah
Speaker: You know, we didn't go through an interview process. We just sort of were told to show up, and then we kind of got thrown into a horrible thing. don't know if you remember the bad creature. Stuart, don't ruin this for me. It's my dream. Hey, whatever Barabel wants, Barabel gets. You got it, Chief. You are going to be, Stuart and Barabel, you're going to be interviewing somebody by the name of Piddles, the guy who thinks he's a vampire.
Speaker: I'll be played by Nate. Piddles, the guy who thinks he's a vampire. All right. Let me get into character. do what Do we want me to read off the names you'll be interviewing? or you want to cut to that right now? I feel like... No.
Speaker: This is great. Just do it, Brian. Okay. And he opens the door, and there you see Piddles, the guy who thinks he's a vampire. What is he doing, Nate? I'm, uh... Um... Hi. Hi there. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Speaker: Um... guys Welcome, Mr. Piddles. Mr. Guy who thinks he's a vampire. Or is that your dad's name, and we can call you Piddles? My father is of no import. I'm Piddles.
Speaker: The pleasure is all mine. oh of no import, do you mean that he was born here? I mean, he's of no consequence because my true father is the lord of the night.
Speaker: But I'm sorry. I've said too much.
Speaker: Yeah, right. What makes you think you'd be a good fit here at the Triangle Agency? Well, I've heard that it's for the supernatural people who are larger than regular life, and i think I fit that definition.
Speaker: All these boring so-and-sos walking around with their 9-to-5s, Not seeing the true creepers and crawlers of the night and the things that go on outside of society.
Speaker: Yeah, we do a lot of our missions. We do a lot of our missions during the day. We do. That might actually be a problem for me. Would that be a deal breaker for you? Well, I never want to say deal breaker at a job interview, you know? I mean, money's tight.
Speaker: But, um... You know, maybe we can go through the process and maybe hopefully you guys have a a night shift or something. A graveyard shift.
Speaker: I see here in your experience um that you interned at the Blood Bank. um Could you tell us a little bit more about your experience there? Well, the staff meals were exquisite.
Speaker: um And it feels really good to help people, you know, and deate dedicate my time to a cause that, ah you know, feels meaningful, like, you know, doing something real and helping people who were disadvantaged.
Speaker: And so much blood. And do you by any chance remember seeing me between the years 2017 2019 going for weekly deliveries?
Speaker: ah No, i worked I worked in the back. i You know, it sounds cool, but it was mostly just like warehouse shit. I was in the back moving boxes. So what did you think of Piddles?
Speaker: Thumbs up, thumbs down. You can be honest. I don't know if he actually is anomaly touched or if he just read one too many 4chan posts, sir. Felix, can you put this stake through his heart and we'll just not have to worry about it any further?
Speaker: You know I gave you that promotion. you have You can't say no. Oh, shit. You open the door. You can't say no. I'm going to put my arm across my eyes and stick them with an arm. We're going to move on to the next interview.
Speaker: We got this. Tucker or Avada, which one of you wants to do the next interview here? Whoever. um We don't care. Flip a coin.
Speaker: Roll a die. Ivana, you're gonna get- You are Lil Muffin. feel like you didn't flip a coin. It's Lil Muffin. Their name is Lil Muffin. Yo, yo, yo, it's me, Lil Muffin.
Speaker: Hello. I've arrived. Open the doors. Let me in. I'll break this door down. I swear I'll do it. Me and my whole three feet tall mess of height. Wow. You must be really excited to be here. I'm to open the You don't need to break down any doors. Just have a seat. Yeah, yeah. It's great to meet you, Mr. or Mrs. Muffin.
Speaker: Either one is fine. What does Lil Muffin look like? Lil Muffin. Lil Muffin likes to wear a mask, but not the lower COVID kind, like above, just in the eyes. Swiper.
Speaker: Real vigilante type. Like the Zorro mask? Zorro, slightly better known. Yeah, and and they're wearing like suspenders that hook onto a Lil Muffin mask.
Speaker: Lower, we like ah like a muffin skirt, essentially. nice. Well, um... It's Little Muffin. We might have to write off Barabel and make Little Muffin your new character.
Speaker: oh It's a little muffin surprise. I'm little muffin. I'm a little muffin. I come with my own song. So I know that technically we're not supposed to like ask this, um but are are you of legal working age Yeah.
Speaker: See, I am. I'm 67. Jesus. Hey, ah Stubert, can I ah call you in here for a second? Oh, yeah, sure, boss. Absolutely. Hey, hey, what's going on?
Speaker: You know when you say something like, I'm not legally allowed to ask this, and then you follow it up by asking the question? That's, uh... Don't, don't, don't do that. But if you could find out if Lil Muffin is single and ready to go, I would totally love her number.
Speaker: It's okay, sir. I come with my own NDA. I can sign it for you if you want, and nothing that gets said in this interview shall be revealed to anybody else. Hey, I'm terrified Lil Muffin. Hey, Little Muffin.
Speaker: Why? Do you not like the Little Muffin surprise? i just so Just one more question. What would you say your greatest weakness is? Water! What do you guys think of Little Muffin?
Speaker: Barabel, do you think we could hire mit Little Muffin? I think Little Muffin is excellent. Like, she comes with her own NDA. Who does that? I do. Crazy.
Speaker: I think it would go worse for us if we didn't. Yeah, she didn't seem like she would take no for an answer very well. Okay, good notes, good notes. And the last one he has is somebody by the name of Ezekiel, the competitive salad juggler. Let me do that one more read. Ezekiel, the competitive salad juggler. okay Hello.
Speaker: Why hello there? Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, so... Ezekiel. Is it really you? Yes, yes, but don't worry.
Speaker: I don't bite unless you want me to. That's just a little joke. Felix, Felix, have you heard of Ezekiel? No, but I've heard of salad.
Speaker: wait ah There's no world, no world where you have heard of Salad and you have not heard of Ezekiel. He is the master Salad juggler. Like, I've seen every single one of your specials. I actually have them on DVD. VHS and Blu-ray at home. Now you're dating me. That's absolutely, that's hilarious. Oh, it's lovely to meet a fan. Absolutely. But I just want to say I'm a huge fan of and your company and what you do. ah So I would love to be a part of this. Holy shit.
Speaker: know? Yeah, so how exactly do you think, you know, we do a lot of, you know, we do a lot of paperwork. a lot of paperwork. And we do a lot of, like, field work.
Speaker: And, you know, sometimes we you have to be fast on your feet or quick thinking. How do you think your experience in juggling salads is going to tie into success in this role? Oh, my. You really don't know anything about me. That's okay. That's okay. That's okay.
Speaker: Billy Felix. Juggling is all about balance and split second decisions. And especially when you're throwing salad into the mix or you're mixing salad while juggling one of my one of my prime techniques. You have to be absolutely 100 percent on your game.
Speaker: And so that's why I believe that I'll be a great fit here. Because I can make the quick decisions and I can make the hard decisions. You know, if someone needs to get cut, I can do it. Mr. Ezekiel, I do have, I have a question. Yes, young miss. Absolutely. In season six,
Speaker: Wow, young. Oh my god. In season six, episode 31 of Toss, Toss, Toss My Salad, Toss Around Your Boat, were you actually a put a real yacht? Or like, was that a set? because Because there's no way you could have been juggling with that much wave impact. Like, like I tried it on my yacht and I could not do it. You are so special. Thank you. You know, I actually get that question quite a lot. Um...
Speaker: Yes. um They figured. Well, the producers wanted to do it on a set and CGI it and do everything in post. And I said, no, no, my good fellows, we shall go to the sea because the people want to see salad juggling done properly. And we will give the people. Oh, my God, you're hired. You're in.
Speaker: You're in, you're hired. and You want my position? I'll give you my role. Do you want to take my position? Oh, I would never take such a beautiful creature from her own work. Absolutely not.
Speaker: All right, so which one of those three do you think should have the job? Ezekiel, no questions asked. don't Wait, only one of them gets the job? Yeah, the other two are going to be, uh, He, like, makes mine's little, like, execution gestures. we can't we We can't let them know about the agency. One of them's already gone.
Speaker: I don't know if we can kill Lil Muffin. They seem like an entity. Drown her. In and of themselves. Drown them. Lil Muffin has an NDA. there're no They're no problem. They've got their own little BYO NDA. NDA on, mm, dead on arrival. Nice. um You know, my my votes also, you know, those there are some pretty strong answers from the so the salad juggler, you know?
Speaker: I think he he he had a certain je ne sais quoi. But all he does is juggle salad. I don't get it. Well, you weren't in that interview. What do you mean you don't get it? a very compelling case for himself. Yeah, you weren't there.
Speaker: But like, does Yeah, where were you anyways? I feel like you're scared he's going to replace you. Does he want to be an intern? I mean, he could. Would you hire? No, we'd probably give him a high paying role, right?
Speaker: Is that going to be the case? You guys have chip voted for Ezekiel? Sure. Yeah. That's where my vote goes. You may all add Ezekiel, the competitive salad juggler, to your relationship chart.
Speaker: I'm going to yeah provide opportunities for Ezekiel to be called upon for future missions. Ezekiel. That's what you get for being too good, Tucker. My favorite celebrity.
Speaker: he was so hot. Oh my God. Ivana and I had a physical reaction to his voice.
Speaker: Um, so he got, he, the, the manager says, well, I'm so excited to hire Ezekiel. I'm so excited to melt down little muffin. I think the only way to celebrate today office happy hour. What do you guys say? We'll attend. Oh, absolutely. That sounds wonderful, sir. Thank you very much.
Speaker: Come on, come down with me. You guys got to go meet Gregory. greg You make your way downstairs to a room that just says happy hour on a banner. And he opens the door to let you guys in.
Speaker: Thank you. a Thank you. Yeah. Are there. You walk in and it's just a very empty room and you see an enormous red sphere hovering in the center of the room.
Speaker: And you hear it go, hello, i am Gregory. i am depressed. You have one hour to make me happy or suffer. Fuck.
Speaker: This was very misleading. And a timer just starts ticking in the corner. Oh, Sir, sir, is he still here? Gone.
Speaker: You see him through a window? He's wearing like a lead hazmat suit on the outside. He's watching you guys through like a like a mirror. Opens the slat. Let me know if you guys need anything. Closes the slat. This is fun. Can we make you a cocktail?
Speaker: I've had a depressing day. do you want to do some drugs? barebe Do you you have drugs? Yeah, do you have any like lithium? I mean, I do have my own NDA as well, like I told them often. So if y'all want to sign it, I could maybe find something in my purse. NDA stands for Neat Drug Attaché. Bam. Just quick firing him. she Yes.
Speaker: Great. So this right here is a liquid that when consumed... will make you forget all about your parents.
Speaker: Yay. Drugs. Cool. I have a bad relationship with my dad. Oh, my daughter does too. Yes.
Speaker: um how yes How do we get Gregory to, um you know, consume people? It. Can we pour it on him? Gregory, if we pour it on you, can you can you feel it? can you Can you feel the sensations?
Speaker: Do you want to talk about your day? I would! Yeah, how do you eat? They don't feed me very often. Sometimes they'll bring people in here and tell them it's a happy hour, and I consume their matter.
Speaker: oh oh sure. Oh, that's what's happening. Hey. I also like Sprite. Hey, boss, can we get a couple of cold Sprites in here, please? Three cans of Sprite come out. They drop to the ground. He doesn't even wait for you guys to hold them. They just kind of clattered up.
Speaker: Okay, well, thank you. Hey, Gregory, we we got you a couple of Sprites there. You might want to wait, settle them down so they don't, you know, explode.
Speaker: That was hilarious. Can you make some more sound effects with your mouth? Yeah, I guess... He likes those. Yay! he, like, somehow he starts clapping excitedly.
Speaker: Bear Bell Felix keep making noises. Do it. the poooo poop pooop pooop poop po poop po pa that clap clap clap clap clap clap we You're saying the word clap.
Speaker: That's not making a noise. i'm so bad at this. Felix, how are you going to make Gregory happy? Chirp. Chirp. we woo we woo chirp chirp chirp ah I feel like you're like just fishing for soundboard shit.
Speaker: um Gregory, can we just like talk for a second? what is your what What does make you happy? What makes you feel fulfilled? That's such a great question. and well well we know what What's important to you, Gregory? How does anyone become fulfilled? What makes them happy? what What makes you feel fulfilled? I don't think anyone has ever asked me that.
Speaker: I guess I'd like to... I'd like to see my name in lights on Broadway one day. so are you an actor or a dancer? Song and dance, man. And a little cane and top hat up appear on top of it. Oh, wow.
Speaker: Wow. Oh, oh. Do you, perchance, perchance, do you need an agent? Desperately. Desperately.
Speaker: Oh, I know just the right person to take you under their wing. She was my old boss and she has some deep, deep connections.
Speaker: And um I'll make sure you guys are connected later when we leave this room. ah That's going to be the case then. I guess that's enough. to Like, if nothing gets somebody hol happier than trying to lie to them in Hollywood about hooking them up with an agent. So... I'm not lying. He could be talented.
Speaker: Sure. I'll let that work. Also, we hired Ezekiel the salad tosser. Yay! Oh, my God. Ezekiel's here. Bring him in. Yes. Sir! Sir! Door opens, Ezekiel gets thrown in.
Speaker: Oh, who is this handsome devil? Oh my god, he's back. I'm Gregory. Can I shake your hand? Absolutely, Gregory. I would love nothing more. The minute you make contact with Gregory, Ezekiel is absorbed and disintegrated into a pile of ash and he's gone.
Speaker: Ezekiel, no! Way to put a quick bow on that one, Paul. Yeah, well, we we hit an hour, and you've got leave the people wanting more, right, Nate? There's nothing scarier than advertisers, which is why we don't have any.
Speaker: Instead, we want to take the end of this episode to thank Blood Boy for providing us with this fantastic intro and outro that we've been using this season. We want to thank Sean and Caleb for the brilliant TTRPG triangle agency that we've been playing, fall in love with it more and more every single time I open that book.
Speaker: Thanks for your patience on the release of delays a couple of episodes between Gen Con and returning to society from Gen Con. It's just taken a lot for us to get back together. If you do like this kind of show and you live in the New York area, you should go see Gals and Goblins live on September 13th in Brooklyn.
Speaker: You should also check out the Master of Mazes series on YouTube. Meeting with them recently and had a great talk about my Gen Con RPG experience and what it's like to DM in an audio-only medium. If you want to talk to us directly, join our Discord.
Speaker: Or you can message us at beatourquest at gmail.com. You can also find us on most social media as well with the same name. Lastly, if you're still listening to this, think about giving us a five-star review so more people can find out.
Speaker: Beyond that, word of mouth is really the best way for us to get exposure. So if you know someone who might find some of these antics funny, let them know about us. Or make them listen on a long road trip. Oh, and lastly, Tucker says he loves you.
Speaker: Bye!
