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Birdemic
296 Plays3 years ago
In this episode, Fraser (Satsunami) and Adam discuss the infamous film Birdemic. From it's questionable CGI to it's even more questionable cinematography, is Birdemic truly as bad as they say? Spoilers: yes, yes it is.
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Transcript
Introduction to Birdemic and Related Bad Movies
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Chatsunami.
00:00:17
Speaker
Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Chatsunami. I'm Satsunami and joining me today for the shocking terror is, well, hopefully still my friend after this harrowing experience. The one and only Adam. Adam, are you there?
00:00:35
Speaker
Please tell me I am indeed I am indeed despite global warming's best efforts. I did make it here today to discuss this film Yeah, I was gonna say is that not just an inconvenient truth you could say that But you shouldn't what you'd be like what 15 years too late now
00:00:58
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, the damage is done. I feel as if both with this film... It's just like global warming or bardemic here. So welcome to the very first serious episode on global warming in Chatsunami. Nah, I'm all the kidding. I'm all the kidding, yeah. As you can see by the screen, by the title, whatever way you're listening to this, yeah, we are talking about the infamous
00:01:24
Speaker
Burdemic. Shock and terror. Not just shock, not just terror. Shock and terror. Yeah, it needs like an extra heading.
00:01:33
Speaker
Erm, probably. I suppose it's like when you go to a fast food place and they're like, do you want chips and a coke with that? And you're like, I mean the burger would be alright, but you know. Which is probably like a detriment to fast food places now. This is like if you went to a fast food place and the burger was just like two stale bits of loaf with no luck.
00:01:55
Speaker
no burger in the middle and then the carton of fries is empty and it's mouldy and then the drink is like rainwater that somebody pours into your hands. You really did not like this one. Even then I've probably given that too much credit. Yeah as you can tell this is one of Adam's favourite films, them of all time. It's definitely in his top like hundred thousand
00:02:20
Speaker
Oh, yeah, definitely. Doing my top 10,000, yeah. Oh, absolutely. So yeah, can I give you a bit of a backstory? Yeah, I was probably the one to discover this film first. Is that safe to assume? Or did you hear about that? Yeah, okay. Well, I don't know, actually. When did you discover it?
00:02:37
Speaker
Probably the time it came out, or if not like maybe a year or two later, it was around the same time that The Room was getting popular, so like for those of you who don't know what The Room is, The Room is of course a very bad film, is that right to kind of say? Or a poorly acted film. I mean, bad in a lot of ways, it's more acting as well.
00:03:00
Speaker
Yeah, it's like a very bad film directed by a guy called Tommy Wiseau. It's one of those films that everyone at the time jumped on, all the critics at the time, all the YouTubers were saying, oh, it's terrible. And then Birdemic came out and it was even worse.
00:03:29
Speaker
Honestly, I could safely say that Birdemic is 110% worse than The Room because at least The Room is kind of competently filmed.
Birdemic's Place in Bad Movie History
00:03:39
Speaker
Don't get me wrong, The Room is not a great film but because of The Room, so I'm semi-blaming The Room for making this film popular because it kind of set... Honestly, would it be safe to assume that The Room was like the catalyst for introducing like bad films?
00:03:56
Speaker
to people probably I think recently I mean I think you could maybe give that title to what's they called plan nine from outer space you know the old oh I think that's maybe like that's like probably the granddaddy of movie and people but I can't remember when that got popular because I think that was maybe the 80s or 90s yeah that one got popular so I think like maybe for like a modern like the room is probably like the equivalent the modern equivalent of plan nine but like it's certainly like if you're making like a Mount Rushmore
00:04:24
Speaker
on bad films and Tommy Wiseau's face screaming like, oh what the hell's the girl's name I've actually forgotten? What, Lisa? Him screaming Lisa is etched into the Mount Rushmore on bad films. He's certainly up there, yeah honestly it makes, let me put it this way, Birdemic makes the room look like a James Cameron film. Birdemic is the bird shit that's on the Mount Rushmore of bad films.
00:04:52
Speaker
Oh yeah, as you can tell Adam really didn't like this film. There's only going to be more to come because you didn't like this film at all. This is going to be a nut safe for working up a
Critique of Birdemic's Environmental Message
00:05:04
Speaker
side-up. Yeah, this is A going to be filled with spoilers if you genuinely if you do care about that.
00:05:11
Speaker
watch it yourself. They all die in bardemic reign supreme. I feel like bardemic is one of those experiences that see if you think you have things going well in life and you're having a good run. Watch bardemic
00:05:34
Speaker
it's free on YouTube and it will make you question life. I do think that. It's the same with waterboarding, I'm sure, as an experience. Yeah, only bardemics more of a visceral experience, isn't it? I think I'd rather go through waterboarding, to be honest. I honestly can't believe you hated this film.
00:05:52
Speaker
Like as much, I get why. I don't get how people donate this film with the passion I have. There's nothing redeeming about this film. I can't think of a single thing that I think, you know what, I'm glad I watched it for that reason. There's nothing.
00:06:10
Speaker
do you want to explain what this film's about because i feel as if you'll probably do it more justice than i will explain are you ready are you ready okay yeah go for it okay here we go all seriousness do you know what this film's about what is it about
00:06:25
Speaker
It's about the dangerous effects of global warming and how humans are the real monsters in Earth. And that's like, this is an ego project for some guy who's never seen a film in his life and doesn't know the single thing about making a film, but was like, you know what, I've got all the qualifications.
Production Problems and Technical Flaws
00:06:43
Speaker
This is a vanity project, plain and simple, and he can shove all the environmental message he wants in, but no. It's the premise for this film.
00:06:50
Speaker
Do you know how long it took for the director, James Nguyen, to actually make a film? How long does it take to descend into hell to make a deal with the devil? A pretty much, like, deathly length of time? Well, four years, if that counts. Four years? There you go! That's quicker than I thought it would be.
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah, it's not so much of a stuck in production hell. To an extent. That's a pretty literal hell. Yeah, literal hell. Four years for it to come out like that. But as I was saying before, the only reason I heard about this film really was just because of films like The Room and things that were getting popular at the time. So it was like, okay, I'll check it out. And I think I've watched it twice.
00:07:32
Speaker
Weiss since then. It's like the first time was out of curiosity to which I regretted it. The second time was trying to get someone else to watch it to share my pain and I think the third time now was rewatching it with you to be like yeah please please watch this and share in my pain. A problem shared. A problem shared is a is a bardemic. Hey please, all your friends.
00:07:58
Speaker
Yeah, you know that book How to Lestrends and Alienate People? Yeah, if I wrote that book it would just be one page and it would just say Watch Burdemic and that would be it. So funny enough you said this is about the environment. It does a
00:08:13
Speaker
poor job, can I just say, of portraying these struggles of the environment and things. Because initially, as far as I remember from the trivia, the guy who actually directed this, he is a huge Alfred Hitchcock fan. So initially he watched, like, you know, surprise, surprise, they loved the birds. So he wanted to direct his own film based on that. Then he watched Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. And then he wanted to make an environmental film.
00:08:41
Speaker
So it was like this kind of snowball of... I don't want to say ideas because that implies there's thought put into this but it's like a mishmash of like concepts like shoved together. How the birds came into existence I don't know considering what happens but I'm kind of getting ahead of myself because do you want to explain how this film starts Adam? Okay so let me see if I can remember... Do you want the actual start of this film? The start of this film is like a what?
00:09:09
Speaker
three minute sequence of like a car, somebody driving a car, where the camera is sat for some reason at a diagonal angle, making it really, really uncomfortable to watch and like, confusing. And like, why is it sitting at a diagonal angle? That's how the film actually starts. Then we get introduced to our quote, unquote, protagonist. What the hell is it? Rob? Or is that his name? Rod. Sorry, there we go. We're just playing as Rod, who's like a computer, like,
00:09:36
Speaker
A tech company salesman? It's like a software engineer. Well, no, but he's not a software engineer, though, because he makes the point that he actually was better at sales. Oh, you know, with his winning smile and his buckets full of charisma. So he's a salesperson for the tech company.
00:09:53
Speaker
No, sorry, I was just going to cut in and say he is more machine than man. There is no way. Who's the worst actor you think you've ever seen? Before watching this, who would you have said was the worst actor? Probably someone that in hindsight is more competent. Let me put it this way. You can watch something like The Room with Tommy Wiseau and think, oh, he's terrible at acting. Oh, he can't act.
00:10:21
Speaker
my god he makes him look like a goddamn thespian in comparison and I don't know if that's because he actually can't act or it's poor direction but I feel as if there would have been some... there must have been a spark there if you know what I mean of like you thinking oh maybe he can actually act he can't he physically can't he's got anything it's like it's not even like oh sorry
00:10:47
Speaker
No, I was just going to say whenever he smiles, if you ever notice this, whenever he smiles you can hear the creaking of the metal and he has to go off screen to spray WD-40 onto himself because the guy's a robot. Even then, and again I'm getting ahead of myself, but there's a steamy, you can't see it but I'm using quotation marks.
00:11:10
Speaker
but like air quotes but there's like a scene where he tries to romance a girl in the bikini I'll get to that in a minute and he looks her up and down I look up and down at like an aisle of like you know when you go to the shops and you see like the deals on the shelves and you look up and down that's exactly the same expression he looks at her like he's shopping in like the supermarket
00:11:35
Speaker
He does not look at her as if, oh yes, this person's attractive. It's like, no, you're a robot. Get out of here. I can't wait to have some of this human food. I love human food. Yum, yum.
00:11:50
Speaker
He is terrible. I would say he's the worst actor in this film. He's the worst. I'd go further than that. He is definitely the worst actor in this film. He's the worst actor I've ever seen. Really? I've never seen a work... Because right, he can't do anything. Some people can't deliver lines well. They can probably go very wooden. You see that quite commonly.
00:12:11
Speaker
This guy can't even walk. He cannot walk around naturally. Everything is so stiff and forced. Whatever he's doing, getting into a car, trying to give a high five, clapping, everything looks like he is focusing so hard.
00:12:31
Speaker
it right. I've never seen somebody who's so incapable of doing their job. You would think that at least, because let's face it, the script writing in this is almost non-existent. It's not better without a script, I think, honestly. If they just had the actors wing lines, it would have made at least as much sense at the very least.
00:12:50
Speaker
See, even if they had fun with it or kind of took the mic out themselves and being like, oh, I'm a software engineer or whatever, you know, it's like, maybe. But he delivers it as if he's like at a school play and he's just shitty trousers. And he's like, I'm a software engineer, fellow human.
00:13:11
Speaker
Hello, how are you? Dot exe. And that is a fantastic analogy. But like, rather than do what most kids would do, which is cry and run off stage, he stands there with the shit in his trousers, just like streeping out and getting smellier. I think I'm not wrong.
00:13:43
Speaker
You're not wrong, he's just there and he's just so creepy at times and again I'm not trying to be too harsh on the person you know like I'm sure maybe he's a nice guy in real life and everything like again like whenever I criticize an actor I don't want to be like oh they must be you know a terrible person but like
00:14:05
Speaker
He's a terrible actor, at least in this film. Maybe he's gotten better, but as far as I could see in IMDB he hasn't really done much since other than the sequel. I think he did like a couple of things but nothing like groundbreaking as far as I know. Okay, watching his performance, what do you see that you're like, oh he can build on that? Nothing. Is there anything that makes you think you get better than that? Well, Adam, I'm an optimist. I believe
00:14:35
Speaker
You suggested this film which disproves your theory. Oh wow. Two seconds ago. Sorry, this is my YouTube apology video. Let me get my fake tears in. I'm just going to be like, I'm sorry guys, I didn't mean it.
00:14:56
Speaker
tingling pandemic and my suggestions. But, yes, pandemic. Back to the fellow. Yeah, he... I'm just thinking of the very beginning. So, like, to frame what you were saying, the first three minutes is him driving, which, you know, very environmentally friendly, of course.
00:15:14
Speaker
Which, funny enough, later on in the film he talks about his car saying that it's a Ford Mustang which is a plug-in hybrid. Fun fact, that model at the time of filming, I think it's only recently but apparently
00:15:32
Speaker
can't believe it apparently that model doesn't exist or didn't exist at the time i think it's only recently that they've started to make it so it's like why would you lie about something like that just it's not even that he then gives a ridiculous like the miles per gallon that it apparently gets it's not something like a thousand or something he's like okay a thousand miles per gallon like for here yeah okay ridiculous thing it's like it's not even just like the lie that it's not okay then just make up the risk
00:16:00
Speaker
Ridiculous statistics for it
00:16:05
Speaker
Yeah, he just like pulls it out his backside and you're like why? Do you know what it feels like? It feels as if he's like a human teleprompter. Like literally always spouts are facts. He doesn't speak like a real human and I know like you're probably thinking when you're listening to this you think oh yeah I've seen films that you know there's bad acting, there's bad delivery but at least like at the very least think of the worst actor you can. No, not even close but
00:16:33
Speaker
Even thinking of the worst action you can, at least when they deliver the lines there's some kind of like reason behind the script. You know like they'll say oh it's for information or things. This guy literally on a date like just starts and I think this is how you described it when you were watching it in your text and then you said
00:16:52
Speaker
He flirts as if he's reading out his resume. Like saying, well, I worked at this company for so many years and yes, I would like a loyal wife. Yes, I think my partner would be very nice. Yes. My skills are team building. I have an analytical mind.
00:17:15
Speaker
Not adaptable. Yeah. That is genuinely how he carries himself off on a date and you're like, but why though? So many conversations in this film that become like job interviews. Like when he goes to visit like the girl's mother, it becomes another like, here's my CV.
00:17:31
Speaker
There's another one of these things. I don't know, maybe the director was going through a lot of job interviews at that time and unconsciously filtered into his quote unquote writing. Do you know the main characters are supposed to be loosely based off a fan? Is he a millionaire? Did he start a fantastic successful startup company?
00:17:49
Speaker
He died right to bardemic, you tell me.
Plot Disjointedness and Absurdity
00:17:53
Speaker
How is Movie Head Productions doing these days? Well, he wanted a third film. He still hasn't got the money for it, thank God. Remind me, can we come back to that point at the end? Because I do want to talk about that at the end. What, the potential of a third film?
00:18:10
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Oh, just... Yeah, so kind of like drifting back to the beginning because I know we're kind of jumping about, but I'm gonna split this like discussion into two parts, okay? So there are like two distinct parts in this film. I suppose the first one
00:18:25
Speaker
You could call the first part the shock before we actually get to the birds and then the terror when the birds are introduced and can I just say I was talking to Adam, well you were watching this live and you genuinely ended or you had to stop the film to do something else and you genuinely stopped it before the birds got introduced and I thought of all the places to pause it, of all the places
00:18:49
Speaker
He had to pause it before the birds. But yeah, kinda going back to the beginning. When he's driving, all the credits come up on the screen, so it's like, you know, so-and-so playing Rod, so-and-so playing Natalie, all of this, all of that. Apparently half of those names are fake, which is something you brought up as well.
00:19:05
Speaker
You spotted it right away, didn't you? In fairness, I actually got the wrong... I looked at the supporting cast list, and I was like, those names look so fake. Like, I wonder if people are using pseudonyms. But it turns out, right, that like, maybe they still are using pseudonyms, but the actual fake names are like, all the crew are there. That's the people who actually don't need this.
00:19:22
Speaker
Yeah because a lot of the crew apparently quit halfway through so what they did was they doubled up with the actors so the main actress who plays, I think it's Natalie, you know the blonde woman, she like took over makeup and things like that and I absolutely love her story. She seems like a nice person because she was doing an interview and she was saying how apparently she did her audition in a school um a school playground essentially for him and she said that should have been the red flag
00:19:52
Speaker
and it's like well yes you know if a strange man says right I'm filming a film called bardemic I want you to act in the middle of a school playground like I don't know like would you take up that offer Adam? I mean I know I get like this acting it like is a brutal business I understand and like you're probably or people are probably scrabbling for anything
00:20:14
Speaker
you know like any kind of paycheck I can understand that that perhaps like you just reach a point where like you know you're like this is this is going to be a terrible film this might not even exist you know yeah but like maybe you're that desperate that you just like yeah you convince yourself I mean like well I'll say for the while say for like the woman who plays Natalie and most of the cast except for like the guy who plays Rod their acting is about on par I would say with what you see in most bad films
00:20:44
Speaker
I don't think they're any worse than what I've seen in like something like Titanic 2 or you know Samurai Copper Ice Queen or one of these or The Room or something like that. They're not on par. It's the guy who plays an alcohol steel rod in order of his acting. Like he is the one who stands out because he's just atrocious. Do you remember that episode of The Simpsons where it's the inanimate carbon road that like saves the day? That's honestly what it feels like watching him act. It's like hey look
00:21:14
Speaker
It's the inanimate carbon rod! And everyone's cheering for him. It's like, this is the hero of the film, by the way. The one you're supposed to be rooting for and going, always so charismatic, you know, he gets together when they end. It's like, what's the attraction there? He moves like he has an inanimate carbon rod up his ass, like the way he moves around.
00:21:32
Speaker
I mean you're not wrong. I remember I was watching a review of this and somebody described him as the first synthetic actor and then they put the Terminator music over it and honest to god it makes me laugh every time I see it just the way he walks and it's like as he walks into the cafe in the first senior year just like oh my god this is just this is awful man he was ahead of his time if you'd only been like trying to act like what 12 years ago however like
00:22:02
Speaker
20 years earlier or something, he could have maybe gotten to the Terminator films and then he'd be the governor of California by now. Yeah exactly, that's an alternate future, I don't know what to consider right now. I don't want to consider that. Yeah so we've got two characters as we said, we've got Rod too as just the machine working inside another machine essentially. He works in an office and for some reason they get like an insane bonus or something like that and
00:22:27
Speaker
This highlights one of the other points. Sorry, before I go into that, you've also got the love interest called Natalie, who's just a model. And they never expand on that. She gets a couple of photos. That's it. She's just a model. That's what they say, isn't it? She gets a sweet Victoria's Secret deal, though. Oh, so she does, yeah. Yeah, over the phone. For an agent who looks like the agent's working out of a, like, a friggin' underground garage, he phones up to be like, you've done it, kid! You've made it! I was like...
00:22:57
Speaker
It's like Victor's Secret Victoria's. It's all the same. It's all the same. You know? You've earned it. You've earned it, champ. Just go.
00:23:10
Speaker
So yeah, this brings me on to quite possibly one of the worst things, or one of, and I emphasize that, one of the worst, the audio mixing. Now, I'm going to be honest, other than a few, obviously, home films you'll win, you'll win your kids. Because I've said this to you before, when I was younger, I had a friend, and when we were younger we used to make really stupid films, like action films like Doctor Who and things like that, and it was just a lot of fun to do them.
00:23:40
Speaker
I feel as if the audio mixing in those was 10 times as better. Keep in mind this was like the early 2000s we filmed this, and this was what, 2010? 2010 something? Post 2010 anyway, at least. I feel like everything you probably did in those films as a kid was probably better. The filming technique was probably better.
00:24:03
Speaker
I can't imagine you could do anything worse. Also, as well, you are completely right. The sound mixing is atrocious. It's not even trying to hide it at points. It's so bad. There's lines cut off and everything. There's at one point, we're on a beach. You can't hear a word they say at one point because they can't.
00:24:23
Speaker
white woman pointed towards the bloody sea so he only had a crash in the waves. The scene transitions like switching from scenes is the most stilted and like horrible thing I've ever seen. I actually made the film horrible to watch as it's just such harsh cuts between scenes and every single line of dialogue virtually needs its own shot. Like when they're talking in the cat when they first they first meeting this cat or like sorry they meet outside a cafe don't they? Yeah he goes he goes. Oh no he goes in though. He goes into the cafe yeah but like then he like starts spying on her in that
00:24:53
Speaker
oh yeah yeah films tell you a romantic thing oh it's also incredibly creepy but then he chases her out afterwards and they have a conversation on the street they like every line of dialogue has to have its own scene and it keeps switching back and forth and it's horrible to watch it's like but they're both in the same shot and have them just talk naturally with naturalism that guy can a steel rod can be you know
00:25:14
Speaker
The filming is incompetent. Like that's why I joked earlier, but I'm genuinely convinced Mr. James Ewan. I'm sorry about that. Ewan, the director of this, the auteur of this masterpiece. I'm convinced that clearly he's like never had any training for filming. I think that's like he does talk about that, but I'm convinced as well he's never seen a film.
00:25:36
Speaker
From watching a film I think I have some ideas about how to do certain things. He just doesn't have any of the basics down. There's nothing here. There's nothing here like of any kind of basic filmmaking, any kind of competency. Literally the only thing that's holding his film up over like a kind of found footage recording is the fact that the camera is relatively steady. I mean it's not at the correct angle, I'll give it that.
00:26:02
Speaker
OK, fair enough. It's steady. I know, but we're not going into the Blair Witch Project. He had a tripod at least. Yeah, they bought with his free Happy Meal at the time. I'm sure. Because you might be thinking that we're being a bit too harsh on this film. Genuinely, at the time of this recording, it's on YouTube for free. I think it's also on Amazon. I don't know if it is. I think it is. But if it's not, don't pay for it.
00:26:30
Speaker
Don't give this guy any money, don't encourage him. The sequel is essentially just lamenting over
00:26:48
Speaker
the first one and how a lot of the scenes were made fun of but he's like poking fun at them and it's like no you don't get to make the jokes you know again it's like going back to the rod shit in these pants analogy it's like you know you don't get to laugh about it because you've only done this to yourself James you've only done this to yourself will you mate this bad fellow like even in the beginning the audio is horrific
00:27:13
Speaker
he goes into a cafe he talks to the waitress and the waitress says hi but so there's like all this static and it's as if it's been filmed separately and yelled into the microphone or it's like he's turned on the mic i think it was to be honest yeah it's like he's put on the like sensitivity to hi uh to hi to hi when she says hi yeah that's all you hear you hear the hi and it's like what the fuck was that
00:27:38
Speaker
Essentially after that it's like 48 minutes, I shit you not, 48 minutes of Rod going about his daily life trying to court this model. He's got another friend who disappears after the first half of the film, I'm sure.
00:27:54
Speaker
I can't remember. He's got a girl. Yeah, it's a guy who works with and he hands it up something awful, which is a good thing in this film. You'd rather people hand it up than just became roads where he's like, oh yes, I made a sale. Even the way he celebrates, he makes a sale and he claps and he goes, woohoo!
00:28:19
Speaker
And then the guy, like his friend actually flubs his line, did you notice that? Oh yeah. When he comes over to say what's with all the noise, but instead of saying oh what's with all the noise, he goes was it with all the noise? I'm like go back, go back. He left that in. Yeah. It didn't work.
00:28:37
Speaker
There is a lot of lines like that, by the way. There's a lot of scenes. There's one scene where the main woman Natalie is talking to her mother who genuinely, I don't think she knew she was in a film, this mother. I genuinely think, because there's a scene where Rod, you know, it's the traditional old, the future son-in-law, he's come back to talk.
00:29:01
Speaker
you know, to like talk to this woman. And she just starts listing off her preferences. She's like, well, I like Long walks on the beach, I like this, I like that. It's like, you can't be mad at her because she's just like an old woman, just saying. You know, it's like, God, is she dying? Is she okay? What is actually going on in this world? You don't know. You don't know who's in on it and who's not. It's like Tinker Tail. It's like Tinker Tail with soldiers, mate. Or, sorry, in this case, Tinker Tail with soldiers, shite.
00:29:32
Speaker
It's like genuinely you don't know who's in on it because there's a lot of fun tidbit about this film. This film is so professional that he basically went into places to film and nine times out of ten he got kicked out of them.
00:29:47
Speaker
you know you would think at least with other films you know they would either have permission or because there's actually been like people have said that James Nguyen actually yelled at people um like on like in jogging paths and things to say get out of the way like there's scenes where they're supposed to be running away from the bardemic which we will get on to and
00:30:11
Speaker
Yeah, it's like there's cars in the background just driving. There's like literally birds, like normal birds just walking past the camera. You know, it's like, it's honestly like something you would see out, you know, it's like something you would see out either like a university film or a high school project. It's not well done at all.
00:30:34
Speaker
This isn't something that's just unique to this film. There are other bad films that have been done on really low budgets where they haven't had permission in all places. Have you ever seen that film, Samurai Cop?
00:30:46
Speaker
Yeah, so like there's a lot of scenes they're like, you'll notice they're done it like kind of very long distances But it's like mostly ones on the streets. They didn't have permission to film on like the streets of Los Angeles So he kind of like the director would kind of like hide in a car Like but the actors on the other side of the roads and like kind of trying to convert me film and then they'd add dialogue like later on just like over it kind of make you can kind of get away with it because it because samurai cop is like it's ridiculous film but it's kind of set and
00:31:13
Speaker
you know, the real world. And so like, it makes sense for the streets of Los Angeles and everything. When you're filming a disaster film, there are point, right? There's one point, I'm gonna jump ahead here, but there's one point where they're driving away desperately to get away from the birds. And they pull over like dramatically on the side of the road. There are other cars just driving by, like people just going by in their daily business. And it completely breaks any sort of like, not that you can get invested in this film, it breaks any kind of illusion that like, there's any natural disaster.
00:31:40
Speaker
like think of a film like one of these ads like World War Z or something like that you know where like the big like scene in the square where the zombies all show up and like everybody's like panicking and you're like it looks like you know what you'd imagine a situation like that would be if you don't have if you can't play to your and this is i think maybe the biggest problem of this film like it doesn't play to its budget at all so as a very small a very small budget of what ten thousand dollars something like that like i would be surprised if it was even that much
00:32:09
Speaker
Let's be generous and say he had $10,000 in his trouser pockets. You can do it, but you need to play to that strength. So don't make a disaster film because you can't look realistic in the slightest. It just looks ridiculous. And then as well, don't make, I'm going to spoil it, but don't make the main protagonist of your film become a millionaire because you cannot in any way show a millionaire's lifestyle on $10,000 when you have to do so many other things in a film. Yeah, no, I couldn't.
00:32:38
Speaker
just don't do it although there is something you did forget to mention there what you're saying don't do is don't make an environmentally friendly film if you don't know what you're talking about literally so here's the thing about the environmental message of this song because as i said at the very beginning we have you know Rod to or sorry we had James Nguyen who wanted to make the birds essentially and then he got invested in Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth thanks Al Gore
00:33:06
Speaker
I'm blaming you for this. Have you ever listened to Chatsunami one day? You know, I'm blaming you. Who the hell Al Gore? So yeah, on your shit list now is Alfred Hitchcock and Al Gore. And Al Gore. Inspiring as well. People who are not getting invited to my fantasy dinner party anymore. Damn it. That was going to be the best fantasy dinner of all time. Stephen Seagal was going to be there.
00:33:36
Speaker
But yeah, I don't know why I chose Steven Seagal. It's just, I was thinking of Bert Punz. Well, there's two spaces now, so Steven Seagal might just leave the list. Or James Nguyen's view, you know, Steven Seagal.
00:33:50
Speaker
Anyway, yeah, that's why I said punt. Anyway, moving on before I make more. Yeah, there are a lot of, like, in the very first half, as I said, it follows, like, Rod and Natalie, you know, in their respective careers, them trying to court one another, and in between there's just a mishmash of random environmentally friendly scenes, and you think, oh, what's the problem with that? They go nowhere.
00:34:13
Speaker
They absolutely go nowhere. So there's a guy who literally can, I'm just thinking because he can, he just literally knocks on the door and he's like, hi, I'm here to sell solar panels. And that's the scene. There's a whole two minute scene where they say, oh, I want to install solar panels. That's it. That's the end. And then there's another like throwaway line where he's like,
00:34:36
Speaker
Oh, why don't you buy a Ferrari? Chicks love Ferraris. And then, and a quote, this is not me being hyperbolic, this is not me being over the top or emphasising, he literally describes his girlfriend as his hot Ferrari. Adam, is this what I'm doing wrong in my life? Apparently so. The reason, you know, it's not going well is because I'm not going up to girls saying, it's like, hey hot Ferrari, want to talk about an inconvenient truth?
00:35:06
Speaker
you know like my CV here's my CV of everything that i've done in my life it's like right yeah you've done nothing but talk about bardemic because like and i'll do it again bardemic because i thought i'm directed by james then
00:35:23
Speaker
And he actually gets the second date. That's the thing. He takes her to, which I was howling when you pointed this out, he takes her to the second date and he doesn't tell her what the restaurant is, does he?
00:35:36
Speaker
odd. Yeah, he just was like, I know this great Vietnamese restaurant. Okay, can't wait to see it. And the conversation ends. Yeah, it was like, great. And then they go to the restaurant, and it's a Thai restaurant. Yeah, it was like Thai food.
00:35:52
Speaker
oh my god that's amazing oh yeah followed by um quite possibly one of my favorite cinematic tracks uh oriental five because see the background music like the background music is just generic as hell like you've got the kind of upbeat music at the beginning as i said you've got the generic music in the restaurant you've got the generic music just generic it's like i mean don't get me wrong it fits um road's personality to a tee
00:36:21
Speaker
And for all the time I write, you know, it's like this soundtrack kind of reflects the main character. It's like, yeah, this is perfect for him. It's fantastic human music. So this is what humans listen to, bebop. I am Rod, Doddy XC.
00:36:38
Speaker
It's just so, oh, that is terrible. So about 48 minutes in, you start thinking like, oh yeah, sorry, before we go into the actual pandemic, two things. First of all, remember how I was talking about just a couple of minutes ago there about the environmental stuff? There's like other weird cutaway scenes where it's like a news anchor talking about environmental things. It's like the polar pair. Population is slowly declining and you're like, okay,
00:37:08
Speaker
No, no, no. It's not a news anchor. Can I interrupt you, sir? It's not a news anchor. It's the top half of a torso. It's not a news anchor. You're not wrong. You're not. It's kind of ironic. Do you think that was actually, you know, do you think that was an artistic decision that it's like a symbolic of the rising tides? Yes. It's always rounding hard out the film.
00:37:30
Speaker
I can't say where else it could be other than a meta in a very well-crafted metaphor. I mean there's even a date scene where, oh god, there's literally a scene where they go on a double date and weirdly enough it's one of the only scenes they don't play out to its fullest.
00:37:46
Speaker
Like, they don't show you the date, they just show you them going into cinema and then they come out of the cinema and it's really weird because this is, so, Rod and his new girlfriend go on a double date with a guy from his work and this is like the last scene they're in together and they come out of the cinema and they're like, wow, that was a great movie. An inconvenient truth. See? I told you.
00:38:08
Speaker
And it's like, right, Adam, I've got a question for you. Have you ever taken... Oh, sorry, let me put it this way. Would you ever take someone on a date to an inconvenient truth? I mean, I never had that thing. Double date. No, it's... I never had that brainwave to ever do that. But also, have you ever come out, have you ever gone to watch a film with somebody and then come out and been like, wow, that was a great film and then listed the name of the film title? Wow. You know what the film is? You just went to see it with the person. They don't need exposition.
00:38:38
Speaker
I'm not sure how that's how I felt with Detective Pikachu. I was like, wow, what a great film. Detective Pikachu. In his third name of film here. I really enjoyed it. I'll never kick it round again.
00:38:52
Speaker
And also, just one thing, you know the girlfriend of Rod's friend, she keeps wearing a t-shirt that says Imagine Peace, which can right me if I'm wrong, but is that not Yoko Ono's website or something like that?
Lack of Realism in Survival Tactics
00:39:07
Speaker
I think it is, I could be wrong, but I'm sure that's what it was, or what they listed it as. Is she wearing that because she's Asian? Is that why the character is given that?
00:39:18
Speaker
Do you know what the weird thing is? She's got a poster of it. Quite possibly. Quite possibly. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare give it credit. I'd call it a poster. A4 print off. Don't you dare call it a poster. I forgot. I forgot your family was in the printed business. I would dare you insult the crap.
00:39:43
Speaker
The mask! You know, the blacksmiths and everything and the printers. You know what? You're not wrong. I mean, this print must be rolling in the graves just now. They're still on business, aren't they? I can make a joke. Oh yeah.
00:40:00
Speaker
yeah thank god okay right after this episode mr print has now gone out of business it's like oh shit what have i done so yeah the a4 print on the motel wall i don't want to say chitilly tune dance scene right you know there's literally one scene where they're dancing and there's a guy singing and uh did you enjoy the song
00:40:22
Speaker
No, no, okay, right, okay. He's not only singing, he is doing all of the instrumental work and he hangs up with his voice. There's no band there. He's doing everything. This guy is a magician. Also as well, can we, before we go fast, can we not brush by the other dance scene where they're in a quote unquote club and it is just like a blurry like background and they're just like
00:40:46
Speaker
the awkward dancing of which the guy can't do either. He can't convincingly dance either. There's another cross against his ability to act. Apparently they filmed a lot of those scenes after the verse. So like when the pop and everything was closed. It shows. Yeah, definitely. I honestly think he was the best part of the film, that's it. Oh yeah, he was good. He was actually a good singer and it was a catchy tune. But that's honestly as far as I would go.
00:41:13
Speaker
Do you know what, I hope he got like some money for this, I hope at least. Yeah, anything. Even a happy meal. A free lunch, I hope something. Well, apparently this was catered by 7-11, that's all. Well, you know what, third place.
00:41:28
Speaker
I mean, look it up, I'm sure I might be misquoting, but I'm convinced it was either 7-Eleven or it was like a subsidiary on 7-Eleven, or it was a guy with a 7-Eleven t-shirt, I don't know. At least they had the good sense to keep their name away from this film at least. Well, that is true. So remember how we joked the last week about Super Mario, you know, not putting your name on the CV? No one surely put their name on the CV.
00:41:55
Speaker
But before we go into, you know, the absolute bardemic that is bardemic, can we just talk about the quote-unquote love scene? Like, or just any moment of passion, let's just see where it honestly feels like a Black Mirror episode.
00:42:18
Speaker
am i wrong in thinking that it's like you're not it's like it's like a robot trying to find love and he looks and he's just like wow you are my hot Ferrari
00:42:31
Speaker
That's lame! Because another fun fact is apparently the director didn't want the co-stars actually sleeping with one another. So do you know what he did? He made all the female actors wear bikinis? I don't know. Don't look at me, don't ask me. I do not know what the hell was going on in his head.
00:42:54
Speaker
they've got about as much chemistry as, you know what, I'm going to let you finish off this joke because there's honestly no chemistry there. If you get two mouse pads and rub them together and that's got more chemistry than these two. I think I was going to say something but honestly just remembering this love scene has made my mind melt.
00:43:19
Speaker
Because honestly, if you listen closely, you can hear these freaking metal neck going... And he's just like, wow. Honestly, I have... Honestly, I'm not even joking here. I think I've honestly shown more emotion and chemistry to whenever I get lunch. So I buy a sandwich and I look at it and I'm just like, you're my hard for art.
00:43:41
Speaker
That would be a better love story than this, like, several seconds of, like, awkward footplay. Yeah, what the fuck was up with that, by the way? Imagine if this had been the love story between Wally and Eve. You know? Imagine we could have had a dystopian version. Why is it that they had more... Oh, yep, sorry, I forgot Pixar are competent.
00:44:05
Speaker
there we go so this is it so this is the thing like you are so you were messaging me as you were watching this saying like this is boring and everything like what the hell did you make me watch you know all the fun stuff where as i said you kind of stopped at like i stopped at this point yeah and i was like i cannot reevaluated my life
00:44:27
Speaker
I honestly couldn't believe it. I was like, how could you stop at that exact moment? Because literally, this comes out of nowhere, by the way. There is no build-up. Oh, sorry. No, I tell you why. There was one scene before, in the first part, where they're walking on the beach and they look down and there's a CGI, like, eagle that's dead. And the girl tried, other side, the woman tries to reach out to it and rods in his, you know, infinite, you know, quantum brain system is just like, don't touch that.
00:44:56
Speaker
It is infected. I have run the probabilities and you should not touch that.
Abrupt Ending and Unresolved Themes
00:45:03
Speaker
Even the androids from Star Trek had more emotion. We're doing a disservice to any synthetic life by comparing him to synthetic life. We really are. I apologise in advance.
00:45:15
Speaker
After the quote-unquote I've seen them they're fading to black you know it pans over the city it's very peaceful and then it fades to black again you think right okay what's next you know and then birds
00:45:28
Speaker
Like CGI birds just flying. This is the most infamous part of the film. It's the CGI birds swooping in, kamikaze-ing, can I just say. Like not even diving down to attack people, like physically blowing themselves up on people and dive bombing. Like there's a scene where one of them dive bombs and explodes into a petrol station, but it doesn't cause a big explosion. It's like a wee tiny poof.
00:45:52
Speaker
Why would you do that? Why would you choose a petrol station if you can't make the whole thing explode? I don't, I genuinely don't know why you choose a petrol station. Don't do a petrol station where you're like, oh wow this whole thing's gonna explode and it's just like...
00:46:11
Speaker
So basically what they do first of all is they hear the birds, which is the same stop footage sound, all looped over and over again. And you're like, okay, this is going to get annoying really fast. So what they do is they grab the bed, which by the way, can I just say, see when they pull the bed frame out?
00:46:27
Speaker
the headboard actually nearly falls off. It's like oh shit someone's gonna have to pay for that and they throw like the mattress at the window you know like to barricade it quote-unquote and Rod tries the phone for help and he does like so sorry see when you're checking your phone like your smartphone yeah how do you check it's dead
00:46:48
Speaker
You're like, we open up and hit the power. No, no, no, no. You hold it to your ear and then you say, it's dead. And that's how you know it's dead. Which is exactly what Rod does. Because he literally takes his phone and he puts it up to his ear and he's like, it's dead. And it's like, how? What are you doing? Were you charging yourself with that phone? What are you doing?
00:47:12
Speaker
Like, was he playing Candy Crush? I don't know. They never explain it, but anyway, they get dressed, they meet up with another couple who initially I thought was, like, Rod's friend from what? They look about the same. Yeah, I genuinely thought, but then I thought the girl was different. I was like, what, did he just get another girl in the bardemic? Like, is he playing the field in the middle of this, like, tragedy? The first girl quit, so. That's what I thought.
00:47:36
Speaker
thought and I was like oh no maybe not then that's the thing though these characters never return the only characters that go forward are they do technically return they do technically do they you see their bodies at the end really yeah do you remember they like I mean I don't know if you want to jump but when they near the end when they drive to the lighthouse they see a car that's parked in a oh yeah so like the birds attacked they parked their car
00:48:05
Speaker
I mean, to be fair, if I was in this film, I would also park my car and just open the windows and be like... Take me now? Yeah, take me now! Just scratch my cheeks, lad! That'll kill me. Yeah, well, I just sadly, like, cry to myself, singing... Country Road! Take me home!
00:48:21
Speaker
to the place as I all swoop in. You know, like, that would be a more fitting death than just being killed off-screen. But yeah, this leads to one of the, apparently the more improvised scenes, can I just say, which is when they tried to fight off the birds with coat hangers. Apparently that wasn't in the script, it was just like an improvising that James Nguyen went with. I've got an idea guys, run over here. And then of course the...
00:48:52
Speaker
Jesus. What's the most ineffective weapon you could grab and try? I know, these wire coat hangers. Oh yeah, and it somehow fends them off until they get a, like, a soul mouthful. Only the bones didn't just hover in place and not move. It would be more of a challenge. Yeah, they literally are just like pasted over the screen. Like even in scenes where they're supposed to be like under, you know, they're just, they're always at the forefront. It's like, if you know anything about layering,
00:49:21
Speaker
Let's say that, like... Okay, can we go back to the budget of this film, right? You've got a limited budget, okay. Why are you making a film that requires, like, effects, and requires quite a lot of effects to do? Why are you doing, like, if you want to do this, for whatever reason, you want to do, like, this apocalyptic film, why aren't you doing something like Zombies, where you can just put crappy, cheap makeup on people, you know?
00:49:44
Speaker
And it doesn't look great, but it looks better than whatever the hell this Microsoft clipart is that he's like pasted onto the screen for these birds. Well, fun fact about that actually. In the sequel to this, you know, spoilers, but who's gonna care about spoilers for Birdemic? But in the sequel, they do something similar and it's so stupid. It's like he just like rolls into the stupidity where it's like the Eagles attack
00:50:09
Speaker
then there's Neanderthals that get resurrected, then there's zombies. It's even worse than the first one, like at least the first one you can kind of laugh at it. It's like the second one's just like, as you know that way where it's like someone makes a joke it's funny the first time they make exactly the same joke the second time and it's not funny but then they're like, ah, jokes on them. I was just pretending to be stupid. You know, it's like, no you've made a fool of yourself already twice. It's like, stop.
00:50:37
Speaker
How many times do you have to shit your pants in public before you even realise people aren't laughing anymore? Exactly. The smell is getting to the back rows James. I change your pants as well because it's the same pair of pants. He never even changed his pants from the first one to the second.
00:50:54
Speaker
Can we talk about the scene after the steamy romance? So after the steamy quote unquote steamy romance and the start of the bardemic, when the birds start attacking the motel, oh by the way this guy's a millionaire but he's still taking his like his hot date to a motel. I actually do. Well it's not the one that we in the air usually do. Oh that's true you know. I mean I wouldn't know it at all.
00:51:19
Speaker
But like after that they wake up and the guy so when the senior romance started the guy was wearing like his trousers and everything And you're like, okay fair enough like you'll take those off for the senior romance to commence But when they wake up and start next day, he's wearing the exact same clothes He's still wet. He went to bed with his trousers and a belt on maniac does that who sleeps in a belt bad robot clearly
00:51:45
Speaker
You know what? It's a fair point. You know, the more and more I think about it, is it Rod himself that's causing the carbon emissions because he is a robot? The coal-fired, like, generator that's up in there. It's like nobody noticed a giant funnel coming out his back.
00:52:03
Speaker
That's what set the wood on fire. I just wondered yesterday, the actor is just a normal guy in the film. Because you might think when we're describing that, it's like, oh god, there's robots in this film? No, sadly he is a normal man.
00:52:23
Speaker
He's masquerading as a normal man. Yeah. Beat bop. Rode the millionaire. Yeah, and then they drive off. And so here's something that I'm gonna bring up in this a bit. Maybe it's a bit close to home, but I'll bring it up. Basically, you know how the beginning of last year, during the pandemic, when it all kicked off, and the fact
00:52:48
Speaker
I do have a point, by the way, I swear. You know how you went to the supermarkets and it was a really scary time because the shelves were in. If you watched this pre-COVID times, you wouldn't have really... well, maybe, obviously, depending on where you live.
00:53:07
Speaker
mostly most people might not have you know seen like you know like shells completely empty and you know like mass hysteria and that but like during the beginning of that pandemic like people were just grabbing everything you know like pasta was gone you know toilet rolls and things everything there's a similar scene in this film where they go to basically they just go to this random shop and they don't think the guy was in on it either that's a really good game you can play during it it's like where they in on it
00:53:35
Speaker
Are they just helpless bystanders? Because you can tell. You genuinely cannot tell with half of these people. Yeah, it's like they go into a shop and half of the shelves are just completely stock. There is one scene, I'll give them credit, there is one shop they go into and they've cleared the shelves. But you know the second one, when they talk to the guy and he's like, sorry, I cannot.
00:53:58
Speaker
I cannot give you gas. Say there's a hundred gallons, a hundred dollars a gallon or something. It's like, why are you still selling gas? There's literally egos that are dive bombing. They're exploding. Get out of there. Just stay. People came into work today, this guy. And their credit card machine still works. Even though phones don't work anymore.
00:54:19
Speaker
God bless America. Don't worry, the international financial system is still running. Wall Street is still going. It reminds me of that level of, do you remember in Call of Duty, the third modern warfare game, it's like you have to fight your way through Wall Street and it's like, my God, this is American if I've ever seen it. God bless. God bless.
00:54:41
Speaker
But it's exactly the same thing as like, not fighting your way through Wall Street, but fighting your way past these guys or these eagles. And the eagle lore, if you want to call it that, kind of changes at a whim. Have you ever noticed that? Probably hard to miss.
00:55:00
Speaker
Like, I mean, they go from, not so much of lower, more like what they can do. So they go from being, you know, just attacking, to blowing themselves up, to attacking again, they spit acid at one point, they slit throats, which is hilarious.
00:55:20
Speaker
They literally dive bomb at a nowhere and slit some guy's throat like, what's your way? Yeah, how is it? Because it's not like the angle the bird does it in, it's as if it's his wing that slices his throat. It's like, what are you even doing with your life?
00:55:36
Speaker
That's my favourite scene in the film. That was so confusing, that scene. Basically through the second part of the film when they're trying to escape the birds, they just hope from place to place. They kidnap a couple of children, which I was howling when I heard someone say in the comments. So there's a scene where they're shooting in the air trying to get the birds away from them.
00:56:06
Speaker
as they take these two children from this abandoned car. One of which is in the boot, can I just say? Yeah, they rescued this kid from a serial killer, I think. Yeah, and the other one's hiding underneath yelling, saying, oh, what a happy meal. It's like, get on the car.
00:56:21
Speaker
they're like shooting in the air and the reason i was laughing at this was because in the background they filmed this beside a busy road and someone in the comments for like the YouTube version of this said can you imagine right you're going to work you're driving by you turn to your right and what do you see a couple of guys shooting in the air at nothing while the others grab the children and bundle them into the car it's like of all the things you could like get out of context i feel as if that's probably the worst
00:56:51
Speaker
And you also pointed out that the boy, like, both of them lose their parents. One of them's got a PSP, I think? From somewhere. They remembered to take the PSP from the car. Oh, I mean, what else do you need? What else are you gonna save in 2000 and 2010? I mean, what else? You're almost PSP.
00:57:11
Speaker
I don't know, it's just this whole film is nothing but scenes, like loosely tied together because they keep bouncing from... They go to this double decker bus, which I don't get why there's a double decker bus in the middle of like a... What better time to go on a bus tour than during the pandemic? Yeah, just, yeah, clearly.
00:57:32
Speaker
there's no allusion to like saying oh the National Guard or obviously I know they wouldn't film that but you know what I mean it's like there's no allusion to oh there's like help on the way or someone's doing this or that you know like it feels as if everyone's just on their own you know and you're like just a couple of psychos really
00:57:49
Speaker
I mean, you've completely you've hit another nail on the head here. Like, there is no flow to this film at all. Like, as you say, it literally feels just like random scenes. Like, I'm pretty sure like the images film scenes and then just jumbled them up and be like, let's put them in this order. There's no real flow to it as well. And the pacing within scenes itself is awful.
00:58:09
Speaker
like there is so much going back to the scene where the solar panel salesman comes in which is as you say a completely useless like series of scenes but there's one scene where they walk outside Rod's house and it goes on for like for so long it has nothing like why are we seeing this there's a scene as well where like the company that Rod works for back in the first part during the shock oh yeah
00:58:33
Speaker
where they like get bought for like a billion dollars by some other company and everybody's celebrating and they are clapping for what feels like two minutes. It's just two minutes of people clapping and going, yeah, woo hoo! And it's just like, the ending scene as well, like the ending scene where they're on the beach, like looking at the birds fly away, that goes on for like five minutes. And it's just like, that's why I don't think this guy's ever seen a film because there's no clue about pacing. It doesn't understand like,
00:58:59
Speaker
when the optimum point to cut a scene is. Kind of briefly touching back in the boardroom scene, see when they all start clapping? They clap and then they come to a natural end, but then it starts up again because they've got more footage. And apparently something else which I didn't realise was, you know the main actress, apparently she has a lot of green screen footage that they filmed, but they never put it in the film, so God knows where that's gone. Because there was actually...
00:59:28
Speaker
can't remember what the youtube channel is but i think if you look up on youtube like bardemic redone or something like that because there's these guys who like do really amazing like visual effects they like redid a scene in bardemic and they actually got the actress in
00:59:43
Speaker
to follow my scene. It was actually really funny. They actually got to talk to her, she talked about the video, it was really cool. It just shows, it clearly shows what a competent visual effects person can do. Because clearly he didn't have one. See, this is the thing, because for anyone listening, you might be thinking of being a bit harsh, saying, oh it's terrible and this and all, maybe he was trying his best.
01:00:10
Speaker
This is one of the kind of few exceptions I'll say he probably wasn't trying that, I don't know. Because from what I can tell in interviews and things, the guy sounds like an absolute. I wouldn't go as far to say megalomaniac, but just... He's on his way there. He's definitely, he's very full of himself. As you said before, he thinks of himself as like an auteur and, you know, he's the next Alfred Hitchcock and everything. He's not. He's really not.
01:00:34
Speaker
And I hate to be like, oh, if this was his passion project, but clearly nobody said to him, oh, maybe you should cut this, maybe you should do that, maybe they edited it. There's literally one scene, well, two things that really annoyed me. There was one where Natalie's talking to her mum and she gives her a thumbs up. I don't know if you remember this. She gives her a thumbs up, she's like, yay, that's my girl. And then there's an extra five seconds of just them in silence. Look at one another as if,
01:01:02
Speaker
Well, what now? You know, should we keep going? Should we stop? And then it just cuts to the next scene. Another thing is the filming of the phone calls. I fucking hate it. Like, this sounds like a nitpick considering what we've just talked about. But it's a fact, it's like, imagine you and I were having a conversation, like, it's something I've never really noticed in films, but it's like, you know how when somebody's talking and sometimes they overlay, like, the audio, even though the pair should not on screen, so it's like,
01:01:28
Speaker
i would say like oh hi how are you and then you would immediately respond with like oh i'm fine thanks you know but it wouldn't show you you know talking it would just it would kind of be a filter over your voice obviously you know as if you're coming out the phone in this film every time another person speaks on the phone they cut to that person so it's like hi how are you pause and then it cuts the next person yeah and there's a pause there as well and then it's the
01:01:52
Speaker
I'm getting out of here and then pause, pause, next, pause, pause, next. It's like a shitey dance. It's like pause, pause, next, pause, but you know it just keeps going and it's painful to kind of trudge your way through and they just keep introducing random characters. They introduce the four people who die by getting acid spit on them and then they like zoom in on the bodies. They introduce a tree hugger.
01:02:18
Speaker
who starts talking about the spruce beetles that are eating the trees. Again, you tell me. Can we talk about it? Yes, go for it. Because just, okay, so you're right, there's a tree hugger, see. Before that, though, they go to a beach. For a start, okay, they keep going outside, like the one place where the birds are, they keep going out of their car to eat food.
01:02:41
Speaker
a picnic and they have a picnic on the beach at one point and they run into the scientist who goes on this massive exposition about how global warming is responsible for the birdemic and humans are the real enemy and everything and it's like it's such an awful like that I was so angry at that scene because this is not the film to have a serious message in it because it's trash like it does not belong in this film
01:03:04
Speaker
like, okay, fine, you like the convenient truth, good, like, you know, donate some money to Greenpeace or something, don't shove the environmental message into your shitty film. But so we have that whole bit of exposition, then we get to the tree hugger, who does the exact same thing again, and does more exposition about why global warming is responsible, and why human beings are the real enemy. And then, and then to end the tree hugger scene, a mountain lion shows up. It's like that old Shakespeare joke, where exit pursued by bear, it's exit.
01:03:33
Speaker
It's pursued by roar of a mountain lion. It's just he needs an excuse to get out of the scene so he's just like oh I think I hear a mountain lion. A mountain lion was air-dropped into the scene to get the character to move along. Oh god. And then the forest goes on fire. Why does the forest go on fire? Well you're not paying attention to the half torso anchor woman.
01:03:59
Speaker
You were mentioning a forest fire, did she? I think she did. You talked about polar bears. I think she does in the set. I think she talks about it before What's He's Face, a solar panel man comes and talks about the wonders of solar panels. Is it all the solar panels that are causing trees to go on fire?
01:04:15
Speaker
I'll give you an example of what this is like. So today, and this is a really weird aside, but today, a man knocked on my door and he asked if I wanted fresh milk delivered to me. Not gonna lie, it's the first time any man's knocked on my door and asked me for fresh milk. One of the most interesting people come in to speak to me. I really do. Like the other day it was hello fresh, now it's this guy. The milk man. The milk man, yeah. I was like, they still deliver fresh milk? I was like, who are you?
01:04:44
Speaker
It's like, are you a company or are you just a guy in a van with milk? It's a bit like halfway through Chatsunami. I just took the microphone with me and I just started talking to that guy and I'm like, you know what, tell me about your milk enterprise, tell me, tell me what the schedule's like, tell me. And for a good five minutes we'd be talking about that and I would say, hmm, it's a bit expensive, you know, can you shave a bit off and they'd be like,
01:05:10
Speaker
For you sir, £2 off and I'd be like, that's great. That's exactly, I'm not even joking here, that's exactly how this scene plays out for the solar panel guy. It's completely unnecessary. Does not add anything to the film, he never returns. I mean, even Natalie doesn't even care about her own mum. She literally just, it's just like, oh yeah, we've got to get away from the bardemic. No, like, oh, how's my mum? Is she okay? Nothing, was she in there? And he ran into the milkman again.
01:05:39
Speaker
He was living in the trees and he was like, do you know what's killing the milkman business? Global warming. Human beings are the real enemies of milk. Oh God. And just going back quickly to the cowboy man. Oh God. Oh, so there's basically a scene where even though there's cars in the background and birds in the background, like normal birds are not like sea shepherds. Birds that aren't taking part in the birdemic. There's a couple of birds at once that are just in the sky. I was like, oh my God.
01:06:09
Speaker
So this guy comes up to them and says like oh can you give me some gas I'm running low and he says so do we that's our last tank and everything and like it's really huffy you know and he's like but we can give you it like they're really nice about it they're like oh but we can give you a lift and he's like nah you're gonna get me from there now and that's the way he speaks it's like I'm not even being funny here he's like this really is the way
01:06:33
Speaker
He kind of mumbles through his third chin and he brings it up like a revolver. So he takes the spare petrol and adds his hold on it and Ego, a CGI one, swoops in, slices his neck and then he falls and what they do, instead of grabbing the gas canister that's clearly there, they leave it. Oh that made me so mad.
01:07:02
Speaker
That's it. He's literally there. The guy's dead. There's no one around. The eagle's flown off. He literally was in armed reach of it and he doesn't touch it, to which later on in the film he goes, damn it! We're out of gas! And he's like, gee, I wonder how we could have fixed this problem.
01:07:19
Speaker
Oh yeah. Just before the cowboy man gets his throat slit. Okay, so he gets the gas can off him. He starts backing up, but he's walking the opposite direction from his car. He just keeps backing. So his car is like run out of gas in front of him, and they drive up behind him, and he comes from his car to them. He then gets the gas from the boot, and he just keeps backing up. Like, you can make wrong directions. Like, where are you going?
01:07:46
Speaker
Are you just going to walk the town with this gas? Honestly, I think the weirder thing is the fact that he thinks that Rod Natalie and two children with a PSP are much of a threat. Imagine we demanded the PSP as well. I'll have the gas and that PSP. No, you monster! Shut up, kid. You're with me. It's like, I know- What was the game on the- I hate the game on the PSP. I want to play God of War, whatever. That's implying there's games on the PSP, come on then.
01:08:15
Speaker
This is coming from someone who didn't own a PSP, so please be gentle. If you're gonna message me, please be gentle, because I have never owned it. But it's the fact as well, like, I can imagine him actually going through and shooting Rod, and then, like, he turned round and he's just got, like, half a Terminator face. Also sent back in time. But there was something, I don't know, stopped a little warming. Oh, god, therefore. I remember drinking Rod in his cold generator. It's too late.
01:08:45
Speaker
That's why I was taking the gas. I'll take Rod's fuel supply. And then there's like a weird scene though. Like, see after that, that's when they break down, isn't it? Oh yeah, is that... Damn it, we're out of gas. Oh god, is that the light? Oh fuck, I've actually... Or the beach, yeah. That's the beach, yeah. You were fishing.
01:09:04
Speaker
some reason to go fishing and cook and here's a weird like a fun yet weird plot hole for you. Apparently in the sequel they only have the other kid like the boy they don't have the girl and the way they play it off is they say that the little girl gets food poisoning from the fish and died. She doesn't eat the fish can I just say.
01:09:28
Speaker
Also surely it would be the bloody seaweed that kills it because they get seaweed off the beach and just throw it into the pan. Don't do that. Don't do that kids. That can't be good for you. I mean salt water aside that can't be. I know you can eat seaweed but like usually it's like it's not a particular kind. You don't just go to the beach and go here's a handful of seaweed throw it into water and be like there we go.
01:09:53
Speaker
also when he puts the fish in he never goes to gut the fish or like you know debone it take the skin off he just throws it into the pan and then it comes out like perfectly like cooked you know cut up and ready to eat is like oh my god what did you have you want me to be invested in your film dave's new end it's like what did you have a sous chef or something and the boot
01:10:18
Speaker
I was like, why thank you, I've been... Oh no, if they'd only taken another car, they would have found the sous-chef. Exactly. And then the film just ends.
01:10:26
Speaker
The film literally just ends, it's like, why? That's it. I have five minutes of them staring at the sky. Yeah, as the birds like fly away and they literally say, oh the birds, they're going back. Do you know what it reminds me of? And I feel bad to like tarnish the name of Lord of the World. But it's almost like my reaction to the first like viewing of Lord of the World. Oh yeah. Where, and I'm sorry for anyone who's now been spoiled because of pandemic.
01:10:54
Speaker
But it literally is such an anti-climatic ending where it's just like, oh the aliens are gone now. Because ironically enough they were poisoned by the birds.
01:11:04
Speaker
But yeah, the birds just go. They just go. They leave because their job is done. And they fly to the distance and they just watch and it's like, everyone you knew or loved has probably died, been dive-bombed or been asified. Back to these birds. James, change of trousers. You're stinking of those.
01:11:24
Speaker
Those trousers are full of it. It's pouring out the bottom now of the trousers. It's pouring out the top. It's coming out the pockets. It's just a shit tsunami. But imagine if War of the Worlds had ended, right? Imagine War of the Worlds had ended. Rather than the Martians being poisoned, they decided to leave. So they hop into their spacecraft, and then the spacecraft just stay on screen, and it's like, oh, they're going. Because that's what the birds do. You very generously said they fly away. What happens is they stay on the screen and occasionally flap their wings.
01:11:53
Speaker
Oh yeah. Don't move! Why? Why did he make a film with required effects? Why? Because he loved Alfred Hitchcock apparently. Oh my god, because he saw the poster for the birds. I'm going to be a film director. Do you want to watch the film, James? No, no, no, no. No, I've got everything I need. Just give me a camera and an inanimate carbon rod and I'll be all kids. You rang?
01:12:23
Speaker
My name is Rod. Pleasure to meet you here. Maybe that's where all the effects went into. To make him the most realistic thing about this song. How much coal can you buy for $10,000? We need to find out. Because I'm not being funny. I don't want to be cruel to people, but I'm going to be cruel to people.
01:12:50
Speaker
Now usually, I wouldn't usually be cruel to someone, but given Rod's character, there is no way someone would be attracted to that. Surely not. Surely. I don't know if there's anybody out there who has gone on a date and said
01:13:08
Speaker
Oh yeah, I knew he was the one for me when he brought out his, like, Windows XL. Or, sorry, Microsoft XL, like, spreadsheet, and said, this is me. These are the hobbies I like to work on. You know, it's like, seven years strong.
01:13:23
Speaker
Tale as old as time? No, no, absolutely not. No. Romance? No. Like, people make the joke, oh, you know, it's a better love story than Twilight. People should be saying it's a better love story than Birdemic. There is no love here. There's no love for the audio mixing. There's no love for the editing. There's no love from the actors, for obvious reasons. You know, there's just, there is no love here.
01:13:46
Speaker
See, this is the thing, and this is why I'm personally going very harsh on him, is because he actually had the gall to trademark an actual term for this song. Romantic thriller.
01:14:00
Speaker
I could be, I'm sure that's the one that he trademarked, I'm sure of as that. Has he ever met a human woman? Nothing in this film makes me think he has. I mean he's yelled at a female woman. Was that okay? That's true, that's true. He is the god and savior of incels. Jesus Christ.
01:14:20
Speaker
I mean, considering, as I said before, considering he wanted his female stars to dress in bikinis in case they were promiscuous with the other co-stars, there's just such a disconnect there. You're just kind of like, come on, come on, don't.
01:14:36
Speaker
James bad get out of here also something that I only just learned like before coming on because I was actually looking for so as you can see I was looking for a poster to put up for bardemic which is surprisingly hard to find and what I didn't realize was he has a 48 page memoir on amazon wow
01:14:59
Speaker
I'm not, look it up right now, like I am dead serious. It's about $9 to $19? Something like that? For so many ages! Like, honestly, like, maybe it's longer, but a lot of the reviews say things like, he basically, it's half pictures and half... Half pictures!
01:15:26
Speaker
That's shocking. What the hell is this guy? Is he like a social joke? Is this like a social experiment or something? Like he's like some kind of joke character. You know like Sacha Baron Cohen plays characters. Is James new in a character? We all just like going for a ride here. Honestly, I would not be surprised. Honestly, look at that bardemic book and you will probably find it. In fact, I think it's only on American Amazon. What a shame. I was going to order it right now. Oh god.
01:15:56
Speaker
Have you ever seen that? Have you ever seen that you've not seen Parks and Rec, have you? No. There's one where one of the main characters goes to a store and they're serving vegan bacon and he keeps throwing it in the bin and he's like, another please keeps throwing it in the bin. That'll be me with James Newton's copy of his memoirs. Another please. I throw it on the bonfire.
01:16:16
Speaker
Oh, like, I'm looking it up right now. See the reviews for it? The reviews are absolutely horrific. More of a comic book. So this is the very first one you get. This is more of a comic book than an actual book. I probably should have read the description a little, or a lot, more carefully. I didn't realise that this book, in quotation marks, consisted of only four to eight pages. Mostly pictures!
01:16:41
Speaker
Oh well, live and learn. I guess the script for this movie to actually come up with enough material for a decent size book.
Amusing Yet Disappointing Scenes
01:16:50
Speaker
At least I got some good laughs from watching the movie and the pictures will remind me of those. No, there's optimists for you. Oh, you're not wrong.
01:17:01
Speaker
one of my one of my last quote-unquote favorite bits of the film. Oh go for it yeah. So there's like you know when so after they run out of the motel they run into this like new couple one of whom's an ex-marine apparently and so that they have like an exciting quote-unquote gun battle. By the way did you ever think it was boring to watch somebody barricade a room? I didn't think it was possible to like make a scene like that where you're supposed to be tensely barricading yourself and boring but
01:17:26
Speaker
James Nguyen succeeds. But yes, they run into this guy and his girlfriend. The guy turns out to have a fucking assault rifle in his car, because it's America, I guess. But also he's an ex-soldier. And then there's one line where like, it comes completely out of nowhere where he's just like, man, I just got tired of Iraq and all the killing. But why can't we have peace? So not only does our environmental message film, there's also a film about the horrors of the Iraq war, and war in general.
01:17:57
Speaker
James Newan, go to hell again. James Newan, you're genius! As I said to you, this film, rather than making me realise the perils of global warming and humanity, what humanity has done to the Earth, this made me want to get some coal and burn it. Just to spite James Newan. As severe with the opposite of anything.
01:18:21
Speaker
You'd expect from an environment. See, this is the thing. People say, oh, it's an environmental film. And the first three minutes of literally him driving a car. Him saying it's a plug-in hybrid is a lie because obviously those models for that, for a Ford Mustang. At the time, a Ford Mustang did not have a plug-in hybrid. So, and that's not me, that's just me looking up the trivia. That is not me like spitting my car knowledge. I have none.
01:18:50
Speaker
And even I was able to figure that out. Oh, just... It's baffling. It is utterly, utterly baffling.
Comparison to Other Low-Quality Films
01:18:58
Speaker
Will we wrap up? Because... Let's wrap this turd up.
01:19:03
Speaker
Yeah, James, you're in a new pair of pants and we'll clean the shit off the stage. Oh, good. I feel as if the damage was done. Yeah, but we'll burn the building down, I think it's the only way. So, what are your final thoughts, Adam? This is... Okay, right. I've seen bad films before.
01:19:20
Speaker
And this may not come across, but I do enjoy watching bad films. I do believe you can have a lot of fun watching bad films. I've seen The Room. I've seen Ice Queen. I've seen Titanic 2. I've seen Samurai Cop. I have seen many of Hulk Hogan's works. I've seen lots of bad, bad films. This is the worst film I've ever seen.
01:19:41
Speaker
There is no I refuse to believe a worst film exists or a worst film will ever be made Because and it's purely from like it has fun the acting and everything is terrible as well But it's so incompetently made that that is the thing that kills it for me like more than anything like it's just made by a guy who just has no clue no clue about any of the basics of filmmaking and That's why above all else is trash
01:20:06
Speaker
Don't watch this film. Don't encourage him. You're not wrong. Put that on the box James, you win. Don't watch us Adam 2021.
01:20:20
Speaker
Now this is the thing, like I'm going to follow up on that because I too am a connoisseur of bad films as well. Like Samurai Cop, The Room, you know, all of the above, Titanic 2 as well. I even watched a terrible film where Gary Busey was a dog for half of it and I started questioning my sanity. But thank God someone was watching that with me, otherwise I would have thought it was like a fever dream. It was a really, I can't remember the film's name. It was just like, don't get it.
01:20:47
Speaker
Anyway, sorry, that aside, moving that aside, there are films that I've seen that from a production standpoint are terrible, but because they've got such care and earnest in them, the best example I can think of is Space Trucker Bruce. Did you ever see that one?
01:21:06
Speaker
I've never seen it but I know a little bit. Oh, I would wholeheartedly recommend that. So for those of you who don't know, Space Trucker Bruce is basically like a kind of, I think it's like a YouTube short? Almost. It's on Amazon Prime. So if you've got Amazon Prime like it, wholeheartedly recommend you to check out
01:21:22
Speaker
It's basically a bad film where it's a guy who is in like this homemade spaceship. He's supposed to be like a space trucker exactly just as the title says like space trucker Bruce and he comes across like a guy who you know is like drifting in space and they go in like kaijinks and adventures and things and
01:21:39
Speaker
Everything in that, there's like weird moments in that, there's like silly moments. But you know what, see at the end of the day, after watching it, there was a lot of love that went into that film. Even the bits you think, oh that's obviously fake, it's like it doesn't matter. Like he's duct taped bits of the wall with things.
01:21:57
Speaker
There's literally a bit where he looks and he's like, oh, look at that. A meteor has breached the hall when he just puts a bit of duct tape over the hole and things like that. It's silly things like that that are just so endearing. And even they seem charming. It's so charming. And it's like, that's the kind of film that I think you definitely should be encouraging people like that.
01:22:20
Speaker
I think the worst thing though, kind of a final point, but the worst thing is when a film series gets too full of itself and it realises it's bad. Because another example like before I go on about Birdemic 2 is Samurai Cop.
01:22:36
Speaker
I haven't seen the sequel but from what I've heard from people and from what I saw of like the trailer it looks like it's got like a bigger budget but unfortunately it like it falls into the view of oh no it's you know self-referential humour you know it's like it's not fun. Do you know what Burdemic 2 reminds me of? So as we said
01:22:57
Speaker
Birdemic 1, if Birdemic 1 is James and then shitting himself on stage, imagine Birdemic 2 is like, you know, you're cleaning the stage, you're nearly done, you've nearly got the shit out of the stage and then he comes back tap dancing towards the stage and you know he's gonna shit himself again and you're like, James, no! James, stay away from the stage and he keeps going, he's tap dancing, he's got a shit eating grin on his face, he doesn't care, he doesn't care, he's coming for that stage!
01:23:25
Speaker
He's shit just in preparation to shit more. Exactly. And it's terrible, the sequel. It's literally everything wrong and more with how you could do a film like this. Obviously if you're going to make a sequel bad, I'm not going to go into the details and things. But yeah, there's a way to do it. There's a way to follow up with a sequel. That is not how you do it. That is definitely not how you do it.
01:23:50
Speaker
The CGI's still bad. There's just nonsensical nonsense. There's nonsense in Burdemic but at least you can give him the benefit of the doubt that he just went for it without a template. Whereas in this he knew what he was doing and then he still went ahead with it. So you're like, I don't get it. I don't get it, James. Why'd you do it? You know he accidentally did. Unintentionally shat himself.
01:24:17
Speaker
It's like you can hear the tapping of the night as it comes towards your stage. It's like, James! James! And then that's it. He brought a fan with him
01:24:28
Speaker
Jesus. Can I quickly say, though? Absolutely. One thing of this whole sordid, shitty saga, one thing has made me restore my faith slightly in humanity.
Failed Sequel Fundraising Efforts
01:24:39
Speaker
So he's been trying to finance a third one of these films. And because he's a serious filmmaker and everything, he went straight to Indiegogo to try and fund it. And so his goal was to reach $500,000.
01:24:44
Speaker
as well.
01:24:57
Speaker
Good joke there. So that was his aim to reach. Do you know how much he managed to raise? Fifty dollars. No, slightly more. He raised five hundred and ninety six dollars. He then went on to Kickstarter, you know, and he was a bit more right. He learnt his lesson. He was like, OK, right, maybe I asked for too much there. So he only asked for two hundred thousand dollars this time. How much do you think he made?
01:25:18
Speaker
200 maybe? Yeah, $230. So this is the only thing that has restored my patient humanity that people are now seeing this guy from what he is. Which is a blight. It's a blight of shit.
01:25:32
Speaker
Jesus! As I said, it's like, it's one thing to make a bad film and, you know, you get cults now. Because, I mean, look at the room. For all the cult status it has, it's like, they never made a room to... Oh, well, no, no. Sorry, I take that back entirely because they did make things after that.
01:25:49
Speaker
He did try to, yeah. The other guys made some stuff and it gets into that territory that you were talking about, where it's like, literally trying to, like the guy, who's the other guy in it? Greg, has it Greg something? Forgot the guy's name. Yeah. He's made a film. He made a film called Best, Best Friends, Best Fiends, which like, I actually went to a screening of that where he was there. And like, it's literally the definition of having your cake and eating it and that he's tried to make a serious film, but also he's cast Tommy Wiseau in it.
01:26:18
Speaker
I haven't seen it, but I know the one you're talking about. It's in two parts and don't watch it, it's terrible. It's not pandemic bad. Yeah. Because there is some stuff on it that you're like, that's quite funny, but it's not a good film. Avoid that. Okay, I'm writing it down. Okay. Job for the day. Job for the day, do not. Milk from the milk man.
01:26:44
Speaker
get milk from the milk pan, do not talk to the solar panel guy, you will be there for hours.
Light-hearted Personal Stories
01:26:51
Speaker
But my favourite bit of the podcast has been learning who arrived at your door today. Yeah, I swear to God, the only time people arrive at my house is when I'm expecting somebody else. I'm not even joking, like, I was expecting someone else to come to the door today. Like the green grocer. Yeah, no, but not the...
01:27:13
Speaker
Ah, my baguette! Thank you! I've been... I've been famished! Oh god, I'm not... I'm not that poor shit. I need a good English. Oh god, yeah. Not even a Tesco short my way, god. I think it should be a recurring feature though, no? Now, who should I just have as long as do it today? There have been, like, a colorful cast, I'm not gonna lie.
01:27:40
Speaker
You could probably make a terrible film of all that. Oh, honestly, yeah. It's like, who have been my lockdown chums? Oh, Jesus Christ. We have the milk man, we have the Hello Fresh guy, we have, yeah, people asking for charity money. Yeah, that's another thing, but that's another chat tsunami for another day. Another one. Oh, just, yeah. Fun times. And yeah, somehow that encounter was still more memorable than half the stuff in my
01:28:12
Speaker
The only thing I would say about bardemic is if we are gonna watch it, watch it with friends.
Recommendations and Conclusion
01:28:20
Speaker
Don't be the one to suggest it.
01:28:23
Speaker
Just be like, oh, I picked it out a random hat. Do you know what you should do? Write bardemic on about five different pieces of paper, fold them up, put them into a hat, choose it, and then go, oh, who put bardemic in, you know? And then, yeah, nobody takes the balloon. It's like, do you remember the firing squads where they only had one real bullet? It's a bit like that.
01:28:45
Speaker
where nobody knows who, like, Purdemican. Maybe we all put Purdemican. I don't know, yeah. Yeah, if you're gonna watch it, watch it my friends. If not, just don't. So yeah, once again Adam, thank you so much for, yeah, thank you for enduring the film and actually watching. No, no, I have myself to blame for this because I was like, obviously you mentioned it to me before and I was like, why don't we do it? So I only have myself to blame for it.
01:29:15
Speaker
what happened but you're welcome it's appreciated as always Adam thank you so much for joining me on the bardemic shock and terror um mobile as always guys stay safe stay awesome and most importantly if uh James Nguyen starts knocking on your door offering you a job uh make loud bird noises and he will go away trust me I know from experience um you're like oh you don't want to come in here James there's so much global warming
01:29:44
Speaker
Oh god, the fossil fuels. I think I hear a mountain lion. Oh no, James, just before you arrived, Global Warming and the Warner Rock came in. They're just hanging around in the couch. You don't want to come in here. Can I just say, sorry, looking back very, very quickly, that doctor just said jargon words. He's just like Global Warming and the fossil fuels and the
01:30:08
Speaker
So yeah, sorry, I'm gonna cut it off before I get back into it. Oh, sorry, again. Yeah. So yeah, as always, stay hydrated. Bye, guys. Bye-bye.