Transcript
Speaker: What's up, party people? I'm so happy to be here tonight. I gotta tell you, I feel a little lost these days. I'm not sure if I'm keeping up with changes in the world.
Speaker: You ever misread a mattress? You go to dive on the hotel bed and knock the wind out of yourself. Did I just dive onto the pavement? I think I shattered my pelvis.
Speaker: Why are the beds at La Quinta so hard now? I can't breathe. Were hotel beds always like this? I guess I don't understand furniture anymore. I recently visited my nephew at the University of Arizona.
Speaker: I stopped by his frat house, and I go to sit down on the couch, and my ass gets sucked? It's not what you think. Somebody was literally under the cushions licking my ass.
Speaker: I don't know how they got my pants off. It must be some new date rape thing. Why is anal stuff so popular? I guess I don't understand date rape any anymore.
Speaker: Anal rape stuff, really? i think it's funny. I'm tired of being so bland. That's not who you are. It's not funny to me.
Speaker: Oh, cool. It's not funny to you. You only laugh at gift bag jokes. You're ridiculous, Ashley. That gift bag bit was the worst thing I've ever written.
Speaker: I laughed to be supportive. Am I supposed to love everything you do? You want to be a comedian, but your fragile ego can't handle one bit of criticism. Screw you, Ashley.
Speaker: Lick my ass. See? I told you it was funny. It's a callback, dickhead. Try it sometime.
