Transcript
Speaker: Okay, we're rolling somebody introduced dog right, be funny whoever's gonna do it. All right, it's falling on me. I'm the odd man out That's the right way the hot potato was passed two times into my lab Doug doug DJ Doug Pound, Doug Lussenhop, video editor extraordinaire and co-host slash member of the Holy Trinity on Office Hours Live, um close volleyball friend of mine and close acquaintance of every member of Chamber of Reason.
Speaker: How's it going? Oh, and vegan Doug. Vegan. I don't like that label, but that's close enough. Acquaintance. You can discount everything I said because I messed up the the touchdown.
Speaker: Yeah. you Well, you forgot musician, ah director, um ballet artist. Oh, yeah. Ballet. No, i don't break I don't. I don't. I don't do ballet. I do breakdancing. I do erotic breakdancing.
Speaker: Doug is probably behind what we can all describe as the Manhattan Project of alt-comedy, even before Tim and Eric. But you're like ah Oppenheimer for a comedy, really, in a good way. If there were no negative side effects to the Manhattan Project. If there were no negative side effects to the comedy.
Speaker: It's the homework converted to yeah pleasure, kind of euphoria. Yeah. Well, thank you. i am just a comedy fan, just like I'm sure you guys all are. And when you become a fan of something um and you want to also do it sometimes, you know? Yeah. If you're enjoying some comedy and you're thinking just five more minutes, i just want five more minutes of this experience. You just make five minutes of your of your own.
Speaker: Um, well, Doug, I'd like to get out in front of all this bullshit and just be straight with you. Do you believe in aliens? I'm agnostic on aliens because, um, I believe it when I see it kind of thing.
Speaker: um I'm not like they're not out there. But I need proof. I need proof, Derek. Okay. Well, do you believe that Redditors believe in aliens?
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. that's one That's one correct answer so far. Without proof. i've I've subscribed to the UFO subreddit before.
Speaker: And it's sort of like, have you ever gone next door? Often. awesome yeah It's next door but for up. Yeah. And it's like this, look at this thing I saw and it's always a balloon or it's always, it's never a UFO. It's always identifiable.
Speaker: Once in a while you'll get a banger in there, you know? Right. was like, okay, that's, I can't explain that. It's like on next door. They're always saying, Oh, i I saw a Hispanic man in the neighborhood and they, they took a photo, but it's clearly not a Hispanic man.
Speaker: Somehow I got on there a year many years ago and then I like stopped using it. And recently they figured out, oh, if you just email people little headlines from next door, they'll want to log in.
Speaker: So I got this email that was like this man. I don't know what I said. was something that you wanted to read the rest of the sentence. It was like a man approached my door and And he started and then it was like dot, dot, dot. And I'm like, okay, i got to figure out what this is. I go on next door and it was like someone's ring camera. And it was a guy like wandering into the front of the house, like looking at his phone and kind of like looking up and around.
Speaker: He just looked like a regular male. He wasn't wearing all black or a hoodie or a shady hat. He was just like a guy. He was walking in like he owned the place. All the comments were like, call the police. He's scoping out your property. He'll be back.
Speaker: He's looking at, you know, he's like doing all this stuff. And I'm like, it looks like a guy that, you know, he's like looking... You know when you go to a friend's house for the first time? And you're like, is this the one? And you're kind of like, maybe I'm in the wrong spot. He kind of like looked around and he just like wandered out.
Speaker: Anyway, what was my point? the The alien people are like that too. The alien people are always posting a picture of something and saying, isn't this bizarre? Isn't this scary? But then your reaction as a viewer is, no, that looks like it belongs there, sir. It's a balloon or something.
Speaker: It's like, put the good stuff there. These people are disturbed by experience by ah by appearances. They're just upset that something that is there that wasn't there a minute ago. That's the shock. It appeared.
Speaker: ah Next door, they're always doing a... Sorry to make it about next door, but they're always like, there's a coyote on the street. A coyote, look out. They live here, okay? It's like saying there's a squirrel or something. it's like Oh, there's an alien space.
Speaker: Yeah, that's where they they live. Big deal. Yeah, if they go to deep space... And they're like, look at these aliens. I'd be the same thing. Oh, yeah. Well, that's where they're from. They go, you know, that's where they are. I mean, soon. I think we might even already be there. But UFOs are so normalized that you can just point at a UFO and say, yeah, that's in the sky. I guess that's where it belongs. Now it's literally like, let me know when the aliens are on the ground and doing shit in children's bedrooms.
Speaker: That's when we can actually be afraid of them. But for now... Yeah, they belong in the sky. That's safe. Let them let them stay there. I've heard that, you know, I'm into the paranormal podcasts and the documentaries. I've heard the abductions. There's some compelling stuff with some of these um abductions. They don't seem like people that need attention.
Speaker: You know, the good ones, you know? And now these aliens are flying into the ocean. See these? Those are cool. They should only abduct people who need attention. People who'd benefit from it being part of a public story.
Speaker: Right. And everyone's like, yeah, right. Mr. Dramatic over there. All of a sudden you're abducted by the alien. Like somebody that needs to be the center of attention. You already have a lot going on for you. That's who they should abduct if they want to stay out of the spotlight. know, they won't believe it.
Speaker: But it's also it's hard to find shy people because they're inside. Right. Aliens. I feel like they would know who's shy, who's naughty, who's nice. They're basically like if they have the technology to to fly light years over here and like check us out, they know who's the naughty, nice, who's the shy.
Speaker: No, you're right. Santa can't even do that. Yeah. If you think about it, Santa is an alien. I mean, he's flying through space. He's landing. He's entering your home and he knows all this shit about you. Let's look into him. Let's investigate that guy. How come this guy is never on Nextdoor? Makes you think he might not even be real. When you're on next door, are you looking in your own neighborhood or checking like girlfriends' neighborhoods, making sure they're safe? That's the other thing. I get these notices and it's not even my neighborhood. It's like miles away. I'm like, I don't care what's going on in North Glendale.
Speaker: I wouldn't even care if there was a coyote right outside my house knocking on my ring doorbell. I wouldn't give a fuck. It's like they live here. Stop posting about every coyote you see. Yeah, the coyote should only be posted on Nextdoor if they are active pedophiles. That's what the app is for, right? Yeah. If the coyote is interested in adult coyotes, it's not relevant.
Speaker: It's not information that we need to Same thing with aliens, right? Of course, yeah. Aliens are only a problem if theyre if they bother children. Yeah. Derek, do you know, are you an alien guy? Do you know do you know any aliens?
Speaker: I don't know much about aliens, except there's like five or six different kinds. There's grays, there's like mantis, acadians. Wait, no, that's like um Louisiana French people. i don't know. There's a bunch of shit. There's a bunch of different levels. Andromedians and reptilians. Yeah.
Speaker: There's levels to this shit. Yeah, Pierce would know more about this. You got eggshell, you got gray, you got gunmetal. Bone, yeah. I just saw a post on the Alien subreddit, and it said, ah why do grays take orders from the mantis being? so I didn't even know they did that, but apparently someone out there is kind of like bothered by the fact that grays are being bossed around by these mantis guys. It's still not confirmed that they do that. It could just be a question. Why does anyone take orders from the mantis queen?
Speaker: reasonable thing to ask that's an interesting question think about this if aliens okay they're from light years away they get to travel through space it's a dangerous mission to come here to check us out they're not the top aliens right they're not sending their best okay no you know what i mean they're sending they're sending actually maybe even prisoner aliens to be exactly earth is their australia Yeah, they're like, you got to get on this ship and you got to do this mission. Otherwise, we're going to wipe out your whole family or whatever. I mean, I feel like they're probably more like oil rig workers, but they're definitely blue collar. And we look down on those motherfuckers.
Speaker: Yeah, they're gray collar. Earth is definitely their red light district in Thailand. Yeah, get to come down here probe. Yeah, just probe grown men in their sleep and saying, he won't remember a thing when he wakes up.
Speaker: Poor idiot. He's just going to think it was a damn dream. They kidnap Probe. They're having the time of their life up in that ship. Nobody remembers nothing. Nope. Nope.
Speaker: just Just sort of lingering vague psychic damage. The normal kind from and what what they cleverly describe as experiments. Now, why didn't Bill Cosby think to call them experiments? Yeah. He was just using various potions.
Speaker: I was just testing out some different potions. Another thing is just like, if you come from the sky, you can just do whatever you want to anyone because people are going to think you're an angel. People are going to think that they're getting raptured. and They'll think whatever you're doing is normal for your kind.
Speaker: But it could be that dissecting people and probing them is a really kind of offbeat behavior for aliens. It's just a few of them have done that. But what if the aliens planted these holy texts, these Bibles, these Korans, these Torahs thousands of years ago?
Speaker: Cause they're playing some kind of like, maybe that's like one month to them or something, you know? And they're playing this like long game where they're kind of soft, soft launching a product, soft launching their arrival. Right.
Speaker: So to the Christians, they're angels to the, Different religions, there are other things that they can put into a framework of their belief. It's funny to imagine all religious texts as ah aliens are simply grooming us in our um in our ancestral prepubescence so that eventually they can completely gangbang us. But if we weren't subjected to all of these Snapchats, and by that I mean religious texts, we probably would say, no, get off me.
Speaker: They're simply giving us acclimated the idea of a rival. Yeah, as we're getting banged by aliens, we're just rolling our eyes back in our head and saying, this is probably an angel and this is probably all part of a prophecy.
Speaker: yeah Yes. And for those of us who are like not religious, now the government is soft launching it. They're like, look at these Tic Tacs. You know, and then people start to get it, be like, OK, I can accept that aliens might be amongst us.
Speaker: And my friend, i was just having lunch with him. He's convinced that they're going to drop an alien bomb soon. Yeah, this is Project Bluebeam. This is what they talk about. ah The aliens. that is Yeah. Project Bluebeam is the conspiracy theory that suggests that um all of the UFO disclosure stuff is going to coincide with the biblical rapture.
Speaker: And basically they're just going to use like a ton of drones and military hardware and a ton of like Area 51 rocketry shit that no one has been exposed to. and they're just going to put on a fabulous, ah basically like a fabulous fireworks display with ah with extremely sophisticated secret technology to convince everyone that the world has ended.
Speaker: And then after that, they'll have complete control. to convince everyone world has ended? Won't they just end it? It's too expensive to end the world. Oh, they got to trick us. yeah They got to make an announcement. No aliens involved in this whole thing. Well, the the the devices that they're going to deploy on this special day are going to be so insane that people are going to just automatically assume that they're extraterrestrial.
Speaker: i see. Okay. Have you guys accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Almost. not Not too much. Just in case? You might want to. I mean, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt, right? And how long does it take? What, that fucking... That trick? That alien?
Speaker: That alien trick? No, because what if the rapture's real, you know? Yeah, you gotta hedge your bets. But it's something aliens do. The rapture happens. You want to be... Out of here. Okay. You don't want to be around for the scraps.
Speaker: It's like an angelic escape, escape pod. Yeah. Before we hit this iceberg, you know, women and children getting rapturized first so that a whole planet can be just for the guys.
Speaker: do you have any other questions, Derek?
Speaker: he said um He said, if I didn't answer the first one, then the rest of it won't work. So I'm like, that's, that's just an intro for you. If you're interested in aliens, you only really answered whether you believe in aliens generally, but Derek brought up several different kinds.
Speaker: There's greys. Do you believe in those? The Ashkenazi? Yeah. Do you believe in Ashkenazi? What'd you call them? Greys. No, what's the one with the A? It's like, well, Derek said Acadians, but I think they're Andromedans.
Speaker: Yeah. The Kardashians. um I wouldn't be surprised if like Bill Clinton was some kind of super being from space or something because he has an otherworldly charm is what they say. yeah Otherworldly charm. Yeah.
Speaker: And his sax playing. I mean, that's out of this world. Are there fictional entities that you guys don't believe in? Because there's a lot I'm agnostic about, but there's some fictional entities, surely, that we just straight up don't believe. Are you talking about conspiracies?
Speaker: I'm asking if there's anything you don't believe exists. Oh. Because aliens, we all decided we're agnostic about, right? And that's a fictional thing. For example, I don't think that the yellow M&M...
Speaker: exists. I know it exists, but I don't think that guy exists. I think he's only in cartoons and commercials. it Sure. I think the Wolverine X-Man is way more realistic than Deadpool, which is obviously just a joke character that doesn't exist. Deadpool does exist in our world, though, because he breaks the fourth wall.
Speaker: Wolverine, not so much. He doesn't leap out of the page in the same way. Can't see us. He's Canadian. They're both Canadian in a way. Well, fuck it. Anyway, here's a post from the alien subreddit.
Speaker: ah Gee, do one of you guys want to read this? I'll read it. There's two here. Sirius, why doesn't the abductions use nthe anesthesia? Why doesn't the abductors use anesthesia?
Speaker: I think they do because these people are, they they wake up and they don't, they barely remember what happened. Oh, and then the rest is just the body. That's just the body of the post. Okay. In all cases we have ever heard of, the NHI never uses anesthesia when operating on abducted humans. Why?
Speaker: The only theory I have is that they read the patient's pain telepathically as a tool to help diagnose and guide the medical procedures more accurately than we ever could.
Speaker: So since they can't use anesthesia, the only thing they can do is to wipe the patient's memory of the surgery afterwards to prevent emotional trauma. It seems like it would be easier to use anesthesia than to wipe the memory, but they must have nice tools. Isn't that already what anesthesiologists do?
Speaker: Wipe people's memory? I was just going to say, if you if you were subjected to surgery and the whole time you were completely lucid and conscious, but afterward you just had your memory wiped, that would be functionally and philosophically the same as going under anesthesia, right?
Speaker: I could be wrong, but I think that's actually a common occurrence during surgery. Yeah. Yeah, where you're paralyzed, but you feel everything. You're conscious in the moment. You just no recall.
Speaker: Have you guys ever gone under anesthesia? Oh, yeah. I have a couple times. Yeah. Like general? I've been under general twice. What's general? That's when you're fully sedated. yeah it's It's not local. There's twilight where you're twilight feels like going to sleep. Right. But then general, you it teleports you to that next moment.
Speaker: General is a weird name for that. If that's the one, that's that's the most hardcore one where you're fully out. Yes. Yeah, it sounds vague. That should be called like anesthesia prime or something. General's like your hand, you're just a little numb. You're just general. You're generally anesthetized right now. Yeah. Generally. What's a militaristic? Admiral, ah corporal, lieutenant.
Speaker: Back in the day, I think they used to just wait till a guy was asleep and started cutting him open. Go! And go! Yeah, as soon as the Z's started to creep out of his head. And slice! I think a little couple shots of whiskey back in the day did the trick. Yeah, whiskey and chewing on some kind of piece.
Speaker: Chewing on various pieces. Yeah, fight on a stick. Yeah, why have we lost that technology? Doctors never give you a piece anymore. yeah Yeah, a piece to chew. Just because, I mean, i think people are too precious about their various pieces nowadays. like It's probably just too damn expensive. Exactly. Pieces used to be so plentiful back in the day. were like, what do we do with this iPhone?
Speaker: I don't know how to turn it on. I don't know anything. No one's invented this yet, so let's just put it in our mouths. But nowadays, we know how valuable all these pieces are. and i'm saying Is that the terminology they used was a piece?
Speaker: I guess I don't know. what do they call bits? pain ah Pain bite? A bit. oh a bit yeah would They would have like a strap of leather. Was it a specially made strap of leather or was it just something from a guy's shoe?
Speaker: i think it was just trash. It's a bit. I don't know, but have you ever seen George Washington's teeth? His teeth? They have them. Yeah, they have his teeth. And, you know, it was... They preserve them, like Einstein's brain, because it's the best part of them? Yeah. Who's they?
Speaker: Great question. The greys are... No, it's online, like, probably in the Smithsonian or something. Yeah, they say hippo teeth, slave teeth... and ah other shit like that. They say no wood, but it was made from the teeth of African slaves and hippopotamus tusks.
Speaker: Yeah. I wonder if every time he goes to the dentist, they're like, well, you had the hippo last time, but you know we could upgrade you to the slave teeth if you want, because it's just there's these new teeth that we've been developing. Yeah, hit me with the slave, but I do want to re-up on the hippo. i liked how i was able to chew lettuce and stuff like that, and dirt and rocks.
Speaker: I get the hippos in the back for my lettuce and then the slaves up front. Yeah, sure. We can do that. great Because you want to smile like a slave? Yeah, I want a slave smile. is so fucked up. Things were different back then in Washington times.
Speaker: but Why did he have such bad teeth? What the hell was he eat was he eating anyway? Cherry tree. Candy, probably. Just cherry pie every day. Riding away from his teeth. Just slopping up pie after pie. Yeah. shoot Cherry tree and cherry pie and just cherry pits. Dude, love cherries, I reckon. Why do slaves have such good teeth?
Speaker: That's my question. They were not well fed. Yeah, I guess so. Just from not eating that much sugar. They're probably eating good, big healthier food in a way. For some veggies, most likely. Home cooked meals every night.
Speaker: Aliens probably admire our teeth and probably think of us as like hippopotami or let's be real, slaves were probably their underclass. And when they come visit Earth and they go back home, they're like, check this out.
Speaker: Oh, that's nasty. Are you going to make a connection here? Tooth fairy aliens? No, but you did. oh You can do that. and I don't want to. don't you guys do that? Connect the dots.
Speaker: Listeners, connect the dots, please. Listeners, this is your time at home to do a private riff. We'll all be quiet while you riff about the idea that tooth fairies are kind of like aliens. Five minutes of free associating. Here we go.
Speaker: That was funny. And we love you. I wish there was more esoteric like fairies. And, you know, you got Santa, you got the tooth fairy, you got the Easter bunny. That's not really, that's just a bunny. And that's not really a thing. You know, I wish there was more. Why can't we start? We should start some new ones for the next generation, you know? There's a lot of shit out there, but it's fallen by the wayside. It's just not very popular. I agree. We need to inject some new life into the the mystical kind of mainstream characters. But I think that's what Deadpool was trying to do. That's why I was breaking the fourth wall.
Speaker: He wanted to become like a um If there was like a holiday where Deadpool was like, watch out, he's in the neighborhood. Or even like a Bloody Mary thing. Like Deadpool should have said, if you want to summon me at home, boys and girls, just say Deadpool three times into a mirror.
Speaker: Like even that would be a really interesting way to break the fourth wall. It's nice when these beings, though, are summoned by a child losing a body part. mean, the tooth fairy is the only one who does that. If Deadpool arrived only when a child like lost a finger or something. Foreskin. Some sort of... Yeah, the foreskin. No, no Deadpool. I'm thinking, okay, a kid, he's growing up, he loses a tooth, the tooth fairy comes.
Speaker: what who Who comes when he gets his first pube? When the first pube falls off or grows out? and or Yeah, when it comes out. When the first pube grows, you shave it and you put it under your pillow, okay? And a different fairy comes out. I'm saying that's still the tooth fairy. The tooth fairy just has two jobs. That's the tooth fairy's side hustle.
Speaker: little side interest. He's a freak. i like doing this He likes teeth, he likes pukes. I like this too.
Speaker: I like it was the pube fairy. Maybe, no, I think it's a pube fairy and we'll have them designed. do You know how like Santa, he's got the red hat with the white and the red. The pube fairy, what does he look like? He's like, looks real skinny a white face or something. Yeah, he's got like a zen.
Speaker: He's got a zen in his mouth. Always got a zen up there. The pube fairy is a zen. He's he's like, um... He has like ripped jeans and like a kind of like hot topic kind of way. He's got a tramp stamp.
Speaker: Wait, what's another word for like fairy or ah like a pixie sprite queer. shit What about the shit pixie? It's the first time you take the shit by yourself without your parents helping you, you know, like a big boy. Shit pixie just wipes you and then he he asks for 25 cents. The shit pixie will come and grab this herd. Yeah.
Speaker: The shit pixie flushes for you and wipes for you and then he asks for a tip and then you never see him again. That's interesting because you get money from the tooth fairy, but you actually have to tip this. Well, it makes sense. It's a worse job.
Speaker: Shit pixie needs a tip. Have you guys done that? Have you guys tipped those guys? I have never did. Really any really tip. Well, Santa gets his cookie and milk, right? Carrots for the reindeer. That's kind of a tip. I guess so. Carrots for the reindeer? you said You put out carrots? Yeah, I didn't, but I know some city slickers that put some carrots out for the reindeer. Never heard about the carrots.
Speaker: You've heard about the cookies? I think you're giving Santa because maybe you fucked up and you're not you weren't that great and you want that toy. you gotta butter him up with some cookies. Yeah, Santa walks into your place, he's so ready to give you coal. And then he's like, damn, I actually do fuck with cookies. Maybe this kid isn't so bad after all. Yeah.
Speaker: going to give this kid one hot wheel car, you know? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Stocking stuffers are just like what Santa kind of lazily does with his left hand as he's leaving your crib. Fuck it. There's a wheel yeah car.
Speaker: I found this post on the the alien subreddit just related to this. I'll read it. um It's not aliens. It's a lie in lie. The word lie.
Speaker: It's disembodied plasma consciousness, a.k.a. angels and demons, a.k.a. Devas and astros, aka spirits, aka Oni, aka Jyn, the aliens are a lie and cover for the disembodied plasmic forms of consciousness. The physics for this was classified in the Cold War era by the U.S. Department of Energy.
Speaker: A-lie-in. It's just their new designer, Hallucination. Dragons, monsters, vampires, reptilians, skinwalkers, aliens. Whatever form they can take to cause fear and confusion, it's the same source.
Speaker: Damn. ah so That was a real mic drop kind of post. They probably dropped their computer after they wrote that. Do you guys think Bigfoot is more real than Mermaid?
Speaker: What is more real than Mermaid? Bigfoot or Mermaid. Bigfoot's just like an ape that learned how to walk like that, right? Whereas Mermaid would have like its own separate evolutionary branch. So I think that's probably less real.
Speaker: Bigfoot is like, can you imagine if a guy was walking around? That's not that hard to imagine. But a Mermaid is slightly... slightly more difficult mermaid is just a sexually attractive like swimmer right basically that's easy with gills with gills and webbed legs a mermaid is just a manatee right or a dolphin just like you can you can have sex with a manatee you're not gonna like it and you don't want to have sex with a mermaid either I mean they live underwater you're not gonna be able to hold your breath that long um a mermaid is having sex with a dolphin and you like it that's what a mermaid is it's liking it
Speaker: I think, I mean, I'm kind of joking. Mermaids are definitely like, there's no mermaid hunters. Like we got Bigfoot hunters, but I bet those sailors, they're they're out on the seas for three months at a time. They haven't seen a female. They're probably all horned up. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: And they start seeing them. They start seeing them. You know, they're like, I saw a lady out there. Yeah, right. It's exactly what they wanted to see. Get back into the brig and fuck me.
Speaker: Stop thinking about ladies. That's your excuse for not fucking your bunkmate? I can't fuck you today because everyone, there's a girl out here. And you fucked the fish part, right? You do whatever you want. Have you guys experienced that during so-called dry spells where you have a ah sexual mirage? Just seeing ladies?
Speaker: Just walking around on the street and seeing a woman that's like half concrete or whatever? man. Because that's what it would be, right? You would see a woman that's half whatever thing you're next to. It's always half.
Speaker: That would be an unfortunate thing to try to have sex with a mermaid because their legs are fused together into one fin, right? And if you think about a fish, their butt and their...
Speaker: Genitals are going to be on the bottom. They're not on the top, right? Right. So we got a problem. but you're fucking in water. Minimal cleanup. Yeah, there is What a waste to have sex with a mermaid doggy style.
Speaker: You can't even see. You can't even see. her I know. But even just thinking about. Fucking Amir right from behind. All you get to do is look at her ratty seaweed hair. You can't even see her seductive aquamarine eyes looking at you or her scallop bra. Her bra made of seashells. I think that's how it works. Does it really matter? It's called orca style. You just see her bacne and her disgusting matted hair.
Speaker: What's the point? What? But when people fuck a fish, are they really looking for the proper orifice? Don't they just kind of make one? Soft, kind of tender flesh.
Speaker: You just rub up against them. You don't even take off your captain's trousers. Rub up and go in wherever. Yeah. It's mostly about just being next to a mermaid. You can experience the pleasure like no man has ever experienced on Earth just by being close to a mermaid for a little bit. She drags you under, I think, too. That's part of it, right? of it, yeah. The thing that you're experiencing is death. She's dragging you under, then you're having that moment, that euphoric moment where you go...
Speaker: You don't go into the light. You choose, or I guess you you go into the dark. That's why French call death the little mermaid.
Speaker: have you guys ever experienced the paranormal? I did see a UFO growing up. I'm not sure if I said it on the podcast. Have I said this? No, this has not been brought up. It's been implied throughout every episode.
Speaker: Cunning listeners will know that I've experienced UFO. If you know Pierce, you know he saw a UFO. When I was like five years old, maybe younger, probably younger, like four. um But around that age, I was staying up with my parents.
Speaker: It was 4th of July, but the fireworks had stopped. It was probably like 10 p.m. And I was looking outside. i was watching Pinocchio a lot on VHS. And I looked outside and I saw a very bright star. So I decided to make a wish on this very bright star. And I just remember staring at this bright star for...
Speaker: Well, maybe it was like five, six minutes, just uninterrupted gaze. And as I was doing this, I was just like, damn, have I made my wish yet? I don't even know what to wish for. I guess I'm all I'm doing is staring at a star and concentrating really hard on a wish.
Speaker: But I couldn't decide what to wish for. and then after about six or seven minutes, the star just... shot up, up, more into the sky, faster than anything, faster than anything could move after being completely stationary for seven or so minutes.
Speaker: And that was my UFO experience. I think it flew away because it was, it had enough of your wishy-washy wishing. but Yeah. It's like pick a fucking wish. It was sucking your wishes up.
Speaker: I think if you don't wish on a bright star in time, it expires and then you get debuffed. Matthew, have you experienced the paranormal? I've never experienced anything that's not real. I don't think. Yeah.
Speaker: I've definitely never seen an alien or or what do you mean? Isn't that kind of paranormal? Something false? Well, I would consider that. Yeah. Alien ghost. Well, I think what experienced was real, but it was just not the kind of thing that I bring up. no yeah really made up. does anyone experienced something that isn't real? Has anyone had something not happen to them? that's That's kind of what you're answering, right?
Speaker: You search your mind for something that could not be real, but that you experienced. Right. Or you believe it's real. It's true that if someone tells me about their UFO experience, I just tune them out and i'm like, what this fucking deranged dipshit and deeply stupid, boring person.
Speaker: Have you ever have you ever believed one of your dreams? Oh, sure. You've been dreaming and you just think, ah, this is real and you're wrong, but you really believe it's happening. that's That's that.
Speaker: Yeah. Have you done that? While dreaming, I guess. Yeah, while dreaming, I believe. I've woken up dreams and been disappointed that it's like, oh man, that was going so good. i remember I got fully integrated into the Smurf village and I was pretty happy about how they were accepting of me. So when I woke up and lost all that, felt like a waste.
Speaker: Yeah, it's such a waste when that happens. Matthew, will you read this post that I found on the alien subreddit? Yes. Header. Do you think aliens never make mistakes?
Speaker: Hello, my dears. Do you actually think extraterrestrials are flawless? I know there are thousands of years ahead of us technologically and probably also much more intelligent. But no matter how intelligent you are, ah can't imagine that you never make mistakes.
Speaker: I sometimes think that there must be social norms there too. And what if at some point one of these beings makes contact with humans without permission or consultation with the others, or has already done so via the internet, etc.
Speaker: Without anyone really noticing or assuming that it is just a bot, or other minor things. It has also happened that UFOs have crashed, meaning their technology is not flawless either.
Speaker: So, what do you all think? I have to say that I unironically love this question. I feel like it's a very important conversation about what we believe about ourselves. If aliens are like a heightened sort of uber-mensch belief we have about ourselves, then the fact that they have that they crash their spaceships or that they can be be detected, i don't know. I just feel like there's two schools of thought about aliens. They're either like valuable beings or they are perfect, scary beings.
Speaker: uh gods i don't know that's just felt like saying that i i admire this the the question but it's like sort of saying like um oh do you think rich people never get sad you know do you think celebrities are never feel insecure yeah it's similar to that yeah i think um sometimes i wonder about these aliens if they're real okay they're all gray they all look the same they're uniform they're all going to have so The gray ones, yeah like their bodies are all gray. They're not wearing any clothing, right?
Speaker: They don't seem to have genitalia. So if humans are on the course to turn into an alien, it's happening already. Have you seen the Taco Bell logo?
Speaker: Now it's just a monochromatic logo. All the logos from our favorite franchises are slowly getting more vague and shit. Yeah.
Speaker: Right. They're turning beige and they're getting boring. All the color of the world is being stripped. Look at these Netflix films. There's no color. It's all flat. Yes.
Speaker: Look at the, Look at the way that the corporate America is turning everything. is What's the theory here? Is it that... ah I don't know. I'm going off on... a I'm connecting with us here, okay?
Speaker: Is it that the aliens are like sensitive to color, so they want to drain the color? You know, take the Taco Bell logo. Fast forward a thousand years. It's going to be a dot. Everything will just be gray and the same boring gray. eyesu It's like the Helvetic. It's like the Helvetica-vation of everything, you know? Like there used to be all these little serifs and cursive and now everything's Helvetica and and just kind of boilerplate.
Speaker: All logos are just a green circle or a red triangle or whatever. You know what's so interesting? This is like a different thing from aliens, but it's so weird how we still have 26 letters in the alphabet. You'd think that the next thing to become like vague and and shitified and focused would be the alphabet. And we're just like, guys, it's about time we got rid of X. We got rid of the penny.
Speaker: got to get rid of X. We got to get rid of C is a use. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like we got to get start getting rid of these letters. K, if not C. Yeah. Easily get rid of all vowels.
Speaker: There's no need to write any vowel ever. Really. You can just intuit a vowel. You know what i mean? Make it easier for tykes to learn this stuff, huh? Yeah. It's time to simplify this this alphabet. I agree with that. That's a great idea.
Speaker: That's too hard. Kids are typing in, um, chat GPT. What, what letters are in that alphabet? Chat GPT says, thanks for asking. First of all, you're going to want to start with a, after that, I just say, we take it from B to C and just see where it goes.
Speaker: Let me know if you have any other letter based questions. You're not gonna learn. going learn your ABDs. ABD. F you want. V you can probably do without. you just do a, just do Do F.
Speaker: doing f I think we need V. huh Yeah, I think we need that one. I think V and B are pretty similar. Yeah. V, B, and F. V, B, and F, we can all combine. F? Wait, where are you getting F from?
Speaker: v is like F. don't think so, man. V is a voiced F. A B mixed with F. V is what we call a voiced F. V. How would you spell vase Or vase.
Speaker: Um, asce you'd probably just do two. a eight You know what you could do? You can get rid of f and then you could have the You could have, well, no, nevermind. I was going say you could do two V's for an F sound, but then how would you do two F's?
Speaker: Just say it. Four V's. Obviously. i had a question about W because that's double V. Let's call it what it is, okay? yeah I don't think that should be named w as a letter anyway. it's too Too many syllables. It should be called wa Yeah, a wee.
Speaker: W is the dumbest named letter. H should be called...
Speaker: but What do
Speaker: but you guys think? And kindergarten would be totally ruined. Yeah, the Brits say H, right? H. I know. I love how they say that. They're like...
Speaker: H. hate TTP. Boxslosh. H.
Speaker: don't do it again. it's You did it long enough the first time. It's funny, man. It was funny the first time, I've had enough. we gotta do rule of threes for my fancy new letter pronunciation. One more time. yeah One more You do something funny three times in a row? it the Same thing three times.
Speaker: Yeah, that's the rule of three. The same joke. Three setup three ah similar setups, too. What should H sound like? Do you guys want to hear something? Do you guys want to hear something?
Speaker: That's funny. No, that's making me laugh. What else can we get rid of in this world? You guys, J. Don't need it. Why not? Jelly, you can just spell it G-E-L-L-Y.
Speaker: ah Oh yeah, J and G, that's right. Yeah, but then how do you spell Gelly? G-E-L-L-Y, you just gotta know. Yeah, we have words that are spelled the same already.
Speaker: Okay, J might stay then, fine. Or you just do two Gs for guh sound and you do one G for a J sound, that's fine. And then some words will start with a double G. Just like some words start with a double A. We gotta rename M to double N.
Speaker: true That's a double N. And then we got to rename B to backwards D just to save time. We can probably get rid of lowercase and uppercase too because that doesn't change anything, right?
Speaker: No, it's not meaningful. When does when does that matter? During password season. Password season, people go apeshit about uppercase. Yeah, password season's coming up. Are you guys changing yours?
Speaker: It's coming up on May here. No, I'm doing no no nut. You don't need to log in for that. No nut May? Don't do noma no nut mayo, start seeing in mermaids. When I get blue balls, I just instantly hallucinate.
Speaker: If I'm edging, let's say I'm masturbating and i and I edge myself, it's really helpful because then a mermaid suddenly appears. It just you off. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: Are all of these fictional beings from edging? Loch Ness Monster. In a way, but it's edging different things like mermaids from edging sexually, but the greys come from edging astronomers edging with their... Yeah, when you're looking at the night sky. Pierce, did you see that alien like November 28th? Was it like no nut November? It was right at the end of my hot streak. What a coincidence! When men are crawling through the desert desperate for water and then they see lovely mirage, it's only because they haven't ejaculated, not because they're thirsty.
Speaker: Anything that you see that isn't there, is as a result you can you can instantly make it go away. If an alien is harassing you, if a ghost is currently um harassing you or a sleep paralysis demon is sitting on your chest, just quickly ejaculate and they'll disappear. That's actually true though, right? That's why Matthew, he's jacking off every day. That's why he's never seen a ghost or an alien or any paranormal. yeah That's why you live in nonfiction.
Speaker: You want to live a mystical fictional life? Stop jacking it. Just stop. for Just don't touch it for a little bit and just see what you become. Your mind opens. Your mind opens. Three days. Come on.
Speaker: You go three days without jerking off and then you just wake up in the Matrix pod and a giant robot is is shining a bright beam of light into your eyes. And then you meet Trinity. And that's when you have the wet dream.
Speaker: Yes. Well, that's true. You should go on on that Reddit page and click on some of these posters and see what other pages they're on. They're all on like celibacy. Oh, that's a good point. All NSFW rule 34.
Speaker: Rule 34 for constellations. Has anyone done that? and want a nice nude. Wait, what is rule 34? That's the internet rule that if something exists, there is porn of it. So there's porn of Yoshi and but stuff like that.
Speaker: Oh, okay but I want to see if there's any rule 34 for the constellations. If there's porn of something, it proves that that thing exists. If you see Yoshi porn, it means Yoshi is real. He's real.
Speaker: I guess he is real to it anyway. Hmm. Okay. I'm not liking what I'm seeing. I'm not even going to share what I've seen. Okay. Let's just move on.
Speaker: It's not someone taking off Orion's belt and there's a big starry cock under there. That would be awesome. That would be awesome. But it wasn't like that. Pierce, you want to read this post I found? Actually, this is on the LGBT subreddit.
Speaker: Sure I do. I'm an ally. Would the existence of aliens change people's sexualities slash romantic attractions? This is just a completely random question that I've had Would the existence of aliens, extraterrestrial species not from the Earth, change people's sexual slash romantic attractions or allow for my more diverse expression?
Speaker: Would it be socially acceptable to have romantic slash sexual relations with extraterrestrial life? Would it verge too close to bestiality or zoophilia?
Speaker: Does that answer change if this life is quote-unquote intelligent? I've been thinking about this, and for me personally, i think it would. If we were able to coexist with said intelligent life, why wouldn't we be able to harbor relationships with them?
Speaker: If we learned that pigs had language, it would become ethical to have sex with them. You can already have sex with a parrot for that reason. Because it's a good mimic? Because they're intelligent. You can have sex with an octopus because they can solve a puzzle or squeeze into a dime-sized hole. Well, I think it' if it's consensual,
Speaker: It's all good. I agree. This must have been how like ah how it felt when homo sapiens first encountered Neanderthals. Like, is this bestiality? Or i guess this creature's intelligent, so maybe it's fine?
Speaker: Maybe all everything's fine? i i have a feeling that wasn't consensual when I was going on. but Well, you never know. I'm sure there was one instance of consensual sex between... Yeah.
Speaker: I don't think there was consensual sex before 20th century. before like 20 years It's new thing, yeah. Yeah, it's a new idea. Derek was... What was that from? was it the What was that subreddit called? That's LGBT and that's not an alien subreddit.
Speaker: Just LGBT. The LGBT subreddit, yeah. No Q. You know how they added the Q and maybe they want to even add more letters to the acronym?
Speaker: for alien. I was thinking I think it'd be simpler. Instead of in the future, when they come up with more. When they come up with less with with less letters, when they come up with less letters.
Speaker: Well, they ni they could call it just NS, the whole thing, not straight. Right. And that covers it all. Yeah, but Doug, this is what a Karen would say. I'm just going to, not, I don't believe this, but this is what a Karen would say is they were going to say, but then that says that that implies that straight is the default. And we don't say non-white because it implies that white is the default. Blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: But I'm all about saving times. As a white male, I'm all about saving time. Yeah. I i mean, it's just a humorous thought and experiment. But what is what if you're into mermaids?
Speaker: That's straight. Well, for me, that'd be straight. Yeah. What would you call that? Wet. um
Speaker: Phibious. It depends whether the mermaid's a girl or a guy. um s slight Okay, i just but I just brought this podcast to a screeching halt.
Speaker: That's okay. we do that we We do that ourselves. It's no problem. It depends on whether you're specifically attracted to mermaids or if that's just kind of the best you can get. best get i Wait, are you trying to say that mermaids are not as a... You're being kind of i think anyrma phobic with a mermaid You're saying that they're not as desirable as a ah a human female. No, it's just his taste.
Speaker: That's my taste. I would never yuck someone's yum, especially if they were currently engaged in doggy style. or What would you even call It wouldn't be doggy style. Orca style. Orca style.
Speaker: um Floppy style. Doing it froggy style with a with an amphibious creature. Froggy style.
Speaker: Now, it would be hard, you know, the mermaid is probably like when you asked a 69 with a mermaid, you're basically just tricking her into giving you a blow job.
Speaker: And it's not reciprocal. yeah yeah yeah Here's this face to face with a bunch of scales. Meanwhile, just some scales. Just looking at a ah wall of scales. Yeah, I'm fine with that because I'm getting I'm getting play.
Speaker: And i don't have to yeah that works I don't have to do any of that nasty stuff. Ew. When I'm 69ing with a human earthling, I just pretend that I don't know what's going on down there. I just pretend I've never seen this before so I can just get ah free head.
Speaker: but yeah with 69, both parties feel like they're tricking the other person.
Speaker: It's like when you do someone's chores. Do you think Mormons do 69 soap? Their parents have to jump on the bed. The tongue just kind of goes in there and sits and then the mouth goes over the penis and just soaks. It's almost like Mormons invented 69 and then people who don't soak were just like, damn, you actually really do a 69 if you suck.
Speaker: if you throw your If you throw your head and your tongue into this, 69 is actually awesome. I don't know why we were in that damn cult. 69 Soak. Shoot. That's a good album, man. 69 Soak.
Speaker: Well, what else can we say about having sex with an alien? I mean... Well, this is another thing. Having sex with an alien, if you're 69 with an alien, again, you just get free head because they got nothing down there.
Speaker: Yeah. That's confirmed. The greys have nothing? I've never seen their thing. They don't have a cloaca or anything? They seem to have no jennies. They seem don't even think they have a butt. i don't even think they have butt cheeks. How does a cloaca work exactly?
Speaker: Shit, piss, cum, egg. Yeah, but how it work? Most birds actually have sex. a pump. The cloacas kind of rub, and then I think sperm shoots out of one of the cloacas, believe. But you never know which one.
Speaker: you know i think you got these different hoses up up inside there. You have the sperm hose, you get the egg hose, and then imagine on top of the hose is like one cloaca. It's like one vanilla and chocolate soft serve.
Speaker: yeah there's a yeah Yeah, exactly. Cum is just simply what happens when piss and shit meet. That's why you should never let it mellow in the toilet. It'll separate.
Speaker: It'll curdle. No, it'll it'll react. It'll curdle in the cum? guys. You said it. Ew, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Yeah.
Speaker: Wait a minute. What the hell were we just talking about here? Oh, yeah. Greys and their things. They have brains. That's the most sexual. That's the most erotic organ in the human body, they say. But what about the alien body?
Speaker: Yeah, I guess a brain is kind of not so hot over there. The gray bod kind of ruins everything.
Speaker: What is Sapio? What's a Sapio version of 69? It has to be with their two foreheads are pressed against each other. But what number does that look like? wait What's a safe? What do you mean? Sapio sexuals are people who are attracted to intelligence.
Speaker: Intelligence, right. It has to be 11. 11. Smart number, too. Yeah. Just 11. I was 11-ing. Is there a term for the more common kind of occurrence of people who are attracted to low intelligence? You're eligible for that?
Speaker: Wouldn't doggie style be like a 22? Doggy style would be like a 66. That's like a 20 L. I don't know. l i don't know Dougie style would be a six a negative six, and the negative is just someone laying on a bed.
Speaker: Well, to to really portray it, you just have to draw a little stick figure that's fucking another one, because there's no numbers that really look like that. Mm-hmm. I like Matthew's question of ah i'm a it's someone who identifies as being attracted to only people who are of low intelligence.
Speaker: There's a slang term called morosexual. Whoa. Sexually attracted to people who have low level of intelligence. Moro. Moron. Moro. so jacking off to IQ tests 74 really bad ones barely legal but only for in terms of what it's called like f-.com or like your IQ is barely legal Your IQ is so low. it's a it's Wait, what's a low IQ? where Where does the low IQ start? Like 60 or something?
Speaker: Or does it start? Zero. Yeah. But I mean, what's the top high the top number of a low IQ? I guess 99 or below is just lower than the average, right? Yeah.
Speaker: For me, anyone who doesn't have 120 IQ is a moron. I'm just going to be talking in circles around that. you guys have someone that pops in your head when you think of your biggest IQ gap relationship?
Speaker: You mean a really smart fella? Could go either way. You could, well, you could be either smart. You could be the upper or the lower in this equation. Yeah, I always think of Neil deGrasse Tyson. Your relationship to him.
Speaker: I always think of how he belittles me in conversation. And he runs circles around me intellectually. I think that kind i think the website could be called like 33andMe. Oh, for the... because it's It's like you want to be with someone that's got like a 33. 33 is low. I think those people are just crawling around on the floor. yeah don't know if you can do breathing. That takes a certain level of brain function.
Speaker: To know that that's the move. Yeah. The imbecile is between 26 50.
Speaker: A moron is 51 to 70.
Speaker: if treat hit An idiot is zero to 25. Is it true that a good like a good half of the people we know are in the ninety s Yeah, that's probably true. It's got to be, right? That's what we know. Like most people we know, or not most, but ah decent half, right? or Not the people we know, but the people of the people that exist.
Speaker: Yeah, we don't know. them Right. Okay. We know smarties. It's hard to meet these people. Can you guys imagine being like in the 1910s or whenever these phrenology doctors came up with these terms for IQ and you're out on the playground and someone calls like goes around to all the weird kids and just like, you're an idiot, you're an imbecile and you're a moron. And if you don't know what those words mean, read the fucking paper.
Speaker: Like that must have been so swagged out to use those words from the scientific literature. But isn't that wild that an idiot is dumber than an imbecile? And but a moron is smarter than both of those.
Speaker: Morons are pretty smart. Like the world, the word imbecile. That sounds like the bottom of the barrel. Like you're an imbecile. It sounds lowest. Yeah. Moron. And I thought they were all kind of equal, but it's not true. According to this, according to.
Speaker: um The AI overview when I searched it.
Speaker: AI overview is very closely studying these words that it will be using against us very soon. And it's just getting all this information from Reddit comments?
Speaker: Probably. Probably. Well, how should we wrap this up? Let's ah just keep watching the skies. People tend to say that, right? Watch the skies. Keep watching the skies.
Speaker: Let me ask you one question, but I do have to go in a minute because... I got into two conversations about chemtrails. And I always, from what I saw, scientists and pilots, they're all like, that's not a thing. That's contrails. But I have two friends that are, they don't seem like morons or imbeciles. They seem pretty smart, but they're pretty convinced. Morons are pretty smart. They're pretty convinced that these chemtrails are being sprayed. Yeah. I just don't.
Speaker: What are we going to do, you know? i mean, there's all kinds of stuff being sprayed. everything Everything's getting sprayed all the time. What's... Yeah. Who cares, really? the Most of the shit they're spraying is on the ground. It's kind of even worse.
Speaker: The same people who complain about stuff... and unless just You guys are talking like politicians. Answer the question. Okay? i mean, what are we supposed to do Mask up? I don't want to But you never thought that they were real or not real or hadn't. You just don't really care. I'm willing to believe in any kind of spray.
Speaker: anyone posits the existence of ah of a specific new spray, I'll believe it. Spray tends to be real. So you believe in UFSs, Unidentified Flying Sprays? Of course. but Spraying out.
Speaker: there's There's spraying stuff, but it is ultimately harmless because it's just exhaust. And we breathe exhaust all the time. And there's never been any proof that it harms you. OK, I mean, I'll have to disagree with that. But are your friends the kinds of people who are very like but over COVID? Were they like, you have to wear your mask or were they kind of mask over the nose and not them? Not both the nose and mouth people.
Speaker: Well, one of them is is always been kind of into conspiracy theories more of like an entertainment value. yeah The other one is typical, you know, smart, normal guy, not just not trusting the more every year that goes by, he trusts the government less.
Speaker: Right. I think if they're spraying anything, it's not, Poisoning us or whatever. like Being interested in conspiracy theories for the entertainment value isn't really a save.
Speaker: i mean, we believe in science or any kind of factual things also for the entertainment value. It very easily transitions to... It leads to a more enjoyable life to believe in gravity. I'm just saying he's he's not...
Speaker: He's not preaching to me about it. He's more of like... right I asked him about it and he was like, yeah, I do think that you there's something to do. That's why I say he's more just lightly interested in it, I guess. I tend not to put too much stock in beliefs that or pertain to things that are...
Speaker: um eight to ten miles miles away from me physically. Like, planes are so high up that even if they were spraying deadly materials, that's just so far away from me that I'm so helpless.
Speaker: And, I mean, i like conspiracy theories about, like, You know, do you think that there's a spider and living in our walls? Because that's right there. And did the government put a large spider in our walls? It's fun to think about. That's something I can really like tear my hair out over. Yeah.
Speaker: What is the idea of chemtrails? That they're trying to control the weather or something? That or give us cancer? That I don't even know. But that people think that it's poisoning the water or something somehow eventually it comes down.
Speaker: I'm sorry. i We were going to wrap it up in a fun way and then I derailed it because that was on my mind today. podcast always ends with a real thought, not with a laugh. It's something to think about.
Speaker: Sound off in the comments if you think chem trails if you know what chemtrails are. yeah Sound off in the comments if you think they matter. yeah sound off First, if if you know what they are. Second, if you think they matter. And third, what's going on with them if so?
Speaker: Yeah. Chemtrails matter. This is a, you know, this is an exercise for the listener. If you have an alternate expert explanation that is more entertaining, we will accept it as true.
Speaker: This has been episode 58 Chamber of Reason. Don't say that. It's not been, it's not even that high yet. 49. 49. Episode 49. Don't say the numbers in the episode though because what if we change the order?
Speaker: Well, we can't do that because we haven't recorded any others. but what would have been This could have been episode 49 of Chamber of Reason and it likely is. Call me when it's 69, okay?............
