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33. 2024 Year in Review and Embracing the Gray Area in 2025
120 Plays1 month ago
Caitlin here with a solo episode recapping 2024 and chatting about my hopes and dreams for 2025!
Biggest takeaways from this episode:
- Your needs are not an inconvenience
- Your all-or-nothing thinking is keeping you stuck - progress happens in the gray areas
- Being able to “listen to your body” requires an insane amount of privilege
- Your personal life will impact your professional life
- You are allowed to love your job and also make a living
- You’re doing the best you can with what you have and that is absolutely enough
Tune in to hear how I came to these realizations in 2024, and what I’m doing with that information as we had into 2025. I also share some changes to The Brainy Ballerina in 2025 (plus I have a question for you that I would love for you to weight in on!)
Links and Resources:
Krista Brinkmeier Photography (Madison, WI): https://www.kristabrinkmeierphotography.com/
Book your Studio Workshop for 2025
Read Find Your Unicorn Space by Eve Rodksy (affiliate link)
1-1 Career Mentoring: book your complimentary career call
Let’s connect!
My WEBSITE: thebrainyballerina.com
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/thebrainyballerina
Questions/comments? Email me at caitlin@thebrainyballerina.com
Recommended
Transcript
Setting Goals for Balance in 2025
00:00:00
Speaker
And that is kind of, I think, going to be my theme for 2025 is finding the gray area, you know, not getting so stuck in this all or nothing. And that's really hard for my brain. That's really, really hard. My brain really likes to go all or nothing. So I go really, really hard. I put everything into it. And then I end up burning out and then I didn't do nothing for a while. And I'd really rather be in an in-between place. And of course, it's going to fluctuate.
00:00:27
Speaker
Some days are better than others, but I want to be in a place where I feel like I can give. If 60% is the best I can give that day, I go and give 60% instead of saying it's not 100, so I'm going to do nothing.
Introduction to Brainy Ballerina Podcast
00:00:40
Speaker
I'm Caitlin, a former professional ballerina turned dance educator and career mentor. And this is the brand new ballerina podcast. I am here for the aspiring professional ballerina who wants to learn what it really takes to build a smart and sustainable career in the dance industry. I'm peeling back the curtain of the professional dance world with open and honest conversations about the realities of becoming a professional dancer. Come along to gain the knowledge and inspiration you need to succeed in a dance career on your turns.
00:01:15
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the Rainy Valorina podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Sloan, and I'm here today with a solo episode, chatting all about 2024, recapping everything that happens, and chatting about my goals going into 2025, some changes to the Rainy Valorina, and just giving you all the scoop on what is going on.
00:01:35
Speaker
I have been meaning to record this podcast episode for about a week and I kept getting derailed. My family got super sick over the holidays, which is kind of our Christmas tradition. My son has now gotten really sick on Christmas Eve two years in a row. This year he had a bad ear infection. And by about four days later, my husband and I also ended up with really bad ear infections right in the middle of hosting a big chunk of our family, both sides of our family.
00:02:03
Speaker
at our house. So that was a pretty big bummer. I completely lost my voice for about three days and had to obviously put so recording a podcast on hold. It's now January 3rd. We're finally getting back into the swing of things.
00:02:17
Speaker
And I had to carve out some time today while the kids are still home from school and daycare to get this recorded.
Challenges and Setbacks of 2024
00:02:25
Speaker
And I sat down at my desk. I was going over my notes just reviewing a few things I wanted to talk about before I hit record. And as I was about to hit record, my son ran downstairs and said, dad needs you right away. I run upstairs. My two-year-old daughter has projectile vomited all over the carpet.
00:02:44
Speaker
And if that's not a metaphor for this year for our family, I don't know what else is because it's really been one of those years where it just feels like things have been piling on. But there's also been a lot of really, really great things, a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows. So I want to talk through all of that with you.
00:03:04
Speaker
It's a little more about my personal life today, maybe a little bit less related to a ballet specifically. But as you know, as we talked about on this podcast over the past six months, it all ties in. Your personal life affects what happens in the studio, what happens on stage. So it all matters. And I promise we'll all come back around together at
Launching the Podcast
00:03:25
Speaker
the end.
00:03:25
Speaker
So let's start with some of the wins of this year. I would say the biggest win that I had this year was launching this podcast. This was an endeavor that I started this time last year. I remember sitting with my husband November 2023 in our basement and just talking about some of my dreams for the Brandy ballerina that I was thinking about what I wanted to do next. And I said, I really am feeling pulled to start a podcast.
00:03:53
Speaker
And so we kind of talked about what that looked like. And the more we talked about it, the more excited I got about it. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to do this. So by the end of the year, I had purchased a podcasting course to learn all of the nitty gritty about how to do a podcast. Cause I had all the ideas in my head when I wanted to talk about what I wanted it to sound like the flow, like what I envisioned for that, but I didn't know how to do it logistically, like what equipment I needed, what software.
00:04:19
Speaker
all that kind of thing. So I got a course and I learned all the nitty gritty. I started doing interviews for the podcast, I think in March, because I thought, okay, I really want to get a lot of interviews done before I launch in June, because I want to make sure that I'm not getting over my head. I want to have a lot ready to go in case this ends up taking more time.
00:04:42
Speaker
that I think it will and news flash, it definitely did. And the last hurdle I had before I ended up launching was not the technical side. It was not finding guests. All that was flowing really, really seamlessly. The issue I had was I could not find a picture that I liked for the cover.
Body Image and Photo Shoot
00:05:00
Speaker
Like nothing looked right. I thought it all looked really amateur. I just could not get a good cover. And so I decided I needed to schedule a photo shoot. And I'd been meaning to do that for a while for the Rainy Valerina for my brand, but I've been putting it off because to be quite honest, I was dealing with some pretty major body image issues and I just didn't really want to be in front of a camera. I felt like I didn't want to be photographed. I finally bit the bullet and I did it because I felt like I really need some updated branding images for the podcast and for my business in general.
00:05:32
Speaker
And I'm so, so glad I did it. They turned out amazing. My photographer, Krista, she is just an angel. We use her for all of our pictures, for our family photos, every year for our Christmas card. I swear she's a miracle worker. This year for our Christmas card photos. When we left our photo shoot, I was like, there's not gonna be one usable photo because our kids were just in a mood the whole time. My son had a very specific vision for how he wanted his photos to look.
00:06:01
Speaker
And they did not involve any of the poses that we wanted, that Krista wanted. We were in like a big field and he wanted to do like mountain lion poses the whole time. I was like, there's going to be nothing. And when Krista sent me the photos, there was so many beautiful photos of our family. I cried. I was like, I don't even know how she did this. So I swear by her, if you're in the Madison area, Krista is the best.
00:06:23
Speaker
I went to her for my branding photos too. She totally nailed it. I was very nervous. I've never felt comfortable in front of a camera like even doing photo shoots as a professional. I've never really liked that. I'm not naturally comfortable in that realm. I've always felt like one of those dancers that I would describe myself as more of a movement quality type dancer than a picture dancer. Like I always felt like That's not where I really shown. Just getting in front of the camera felt like really awkward to me. I didn't want to do it, but I ended up doing it and I got some really great photos and I was so, so happy that I did that. So I finally got an image that I loved that I could use for the cover of the podcast. Launched the podcast in June.
Podcast Impact and Monetization Plans
00:07:02
Speaker
Since then we've released 34 episodes, 35, including this one. This podcast has healed something in my soul.
00:07:09
Speaker
having the conversations that I've had with other dancers, the connections that I've made, it has been exactly what I needed at this moment in time. And yes, as a business owner, starting the podcast, there's definitely strategic reasons for it, right? I'm reaching more people, I'm getting to share stories on a deeper level, I'm making connections and I am adding credibility to my brand. But ultimately, the reason I started the podcast is because I was feeling pretty isolated as a small business owner working out of my basement, that came to interact in person with a lot of people. And I just felt like I needed that connection again. And the podcast has given that to me. The conversations I've had, the stories I've heard, the stories I've told have been really healing. And it's helped me work through a lot of things that I hadn't realized that I hadn't quite worked through yet.
00:07:58
Speaker
And of course, I've gotten so many messages from dancers who have listened to the podcast, who have felt similar things. And I have to say, I'm really, really proud of this podcast. I'm proud of what I've created. I'm proud of why I put it into the world. I came to this podcast wanting it to feel comfortable, wanting it to feel like a conversation with a friend. I didn't want it to feel stuffy. I feel like ballet can get stuffy sometimes.
00:08:22
Speaker
And I wanted it to feel comfortable, fun, real, honest. I wanted all those things to shine through on the podcast. And I really feel like we have done that. So thank you to all of my guests who have been on this podcast in this past year. Your honesty, your willingness to share your story, to open up has really made a difference in my life, the lives of dancers who are listening. And I'm just really grateful to all the people who have taken time out of their super busy lives.
00:08:49
Speaker
to be a part of this podcast. I have a lot of big plans for their podcast in 2025. A lot of amazing guests coming, solo episodes, plans. To be totally honest, I am really staying the course. I have felt great about the cadence of the podcast, the once weekly releases. I've been trying to do about three guest episodes a month and then one solo episode. And I've really been liking that ratio. So I'm going to keep with that.
00:09:16
Speaker
I feel like overall, I love the direction the podcast is going in. I feel like I'm getting more comfortable with every episode. I feel like I'm getting better at interviewing people. I feel like I'm getting more comfortable in front of the microphone. I feel like that is growing at a rate that I'm very happy with. One goal I have for the podcast in 2025 is honestly to begin to monetize it. so As of now, the podcast has been out for about six months and it is making zero dollars for my business. And I always tell the answers, you are allowed to love your job and also make a living. So just because I love this podcast and it has been amazing for me personally and for my business doesn't mean that I should be doing it for free. It is a lot of work. I would say every single episode takes about six to seven hours between
00:10:01
Speaker
connecting with our guests, filming the episode, editing it, doing the show notes, publishing it, and then doing social media and email blasts for it all in. It's taking me about six to seven hours for every episode to that six to seven hours every single week of essentially unpaid work at this point. So my goal is really to monetize the podcast and start to bring in more income for that so that I can continue to produce.
00:10:27
Speaker
high-level
Connecting with Dance Community
00:10:28
Speaker
quality content for you without burning myself out. So I am looking to bring on sponsors to the podcast in 2025 if you are a dance business or you know someone with a dance business who you think would be a good fit.
00:10:41
Speaker
advertise on this podcast reach out to me i am definitely looking to partner with sponsors my target demographic is aspiring professional ballet dancers that's who we're reaching with this podcast so if that is a demographic that you would like to speak to through your product or your business reach out to me. I'm definitely interested in having a conversation about sponsorship. Beyond that, I would love to hear from you what you want to hear in this coming year. Any guests you really want to hear from, any topics you really want us to cover, anything that you've had on your mind that you've been hoping to hear on this podcast or have questions about, please send me a message, send me an email, comment on this podcast on Spotify if you're listening there and let me know. I'd love to hear
00:11:23
Speaker
your input about that. Kind of moving on now to goals that I had for 2024. One of my biggest goals was to do more in-person events. As I mentioned earlier, I was really feeling isolated running my small um online business from my basement. And I felt like I just needed to get back out into the dance world and see people in person and just be a part of the culture, get that energy. That was my goal this year was to do more in-person events. I am an introverted person.
00:11:54
Speaker
And even with that, I still knew I need to do more in person events. So that tells you something about the state I was in regarding how much interaction I was having with people in real life. So in 2024, I was lucky enough to judge at H-Fall in Indianapolis in January. I started off the year really solid there. That was a great way to start the year, a great in-person event that I always loved going to. I'm super excited to be back in 2025, and I'm going to be at three regionals this year. I'll be in Indy in January, Baltimore in February, and Rockford in May for H-Fall.
00:12:29
Speaker
So that is super exciting. I can't wait to get out there and see all the dancers, see my friends, honestly, the other judges and just connect with them people in the real world. Another great in-person event I have was going to Lucy Ash's book launch for her book, The Sleeping Beauties in London. And this was actually very crazy because our trip to London was kind of on a whim. My husband and I went in February and he was going for his company's yearly global sales meeting.
00:12:56
Speaker
And we kind of started looking at the numbers and realizing that because he was already over there and, you know, all his flights were paid for all those kind of things. me meeting him over there and us spending a few more days exploring London would be the most affordable it would ever be for us in our life. So we were able to arrange for Steve's parents to help us out with childcare and watch our kids. So we got to go to London, which was amazing. And one of my favorite cities I've ever been to, I really loved it there. And when we were planning the trip, I reached out to Lucy because I had spoken with her before for the book club and said, Hey, I'm going to be in London. I would love to meet up with you maybe just for a cup of coffee or something if you're around. And she said,
00:13:34
Speaker
Yeah, actually I'm having a book launch for my new book coming out, if you'd like to come to that. And it was the evening that I was arriving. And it was also the evening that my husband had his like final get together for the company. So he was occupied. I had a free night to myself. And so I was like, I'm going to go do this, which was kind of out of character for me to go to a brand new city and navigate finding my way, going to a place where I didn't know anyone. But I was really determined to get out there and it was so kind of Lucy to invite me. So I ended up going and I kind of pictured going into it that it was going to be, I never been to a book launch before, but in my mind, it was going to be Lucy at the front of the room, like on a podium, reading portions of her book, and it was going to be people sitting in chairs listening. This is what I picture in my brain. So I'm thinking like, I can just kind of sneak in and be pretty anonymous, and it will be very chill. And when I got there, it was this old, gorgeous, small bookstore. And it was nothing like that. It was completely packed to the brim.
00:14:33
Speaker
And when I realized once I got there that it was not a book reading, it was a book launch for all of Lucy's closest friends and family. And she had included me. So I was super honored. But it's all these people who knew her really well, everyone knew each other, they're all talking and I'm kind of staying there a little bit awkwardly because I didn't know anyone. And I was very happy just to kind of observe. But I think eventually some of her family started to like wonder who I was. And so they started coming up to me and and talking to me and they were the kindest people I've ever met.
00:15:02
Speaker
truly, truly just good, kind people. I just noticed that I was alone and uncomfortable and came and talked to me and we had great conversation. and I had a wonderful time and I got to meet Lucy in person and it was just a really, really cool event and I was so honored to be included. And I was so glad that I went because again, it was something that I very easily might have backed out of just because I was alone. I didn't know anyone. I was in a new city. I was jet lagged. All these reasons where I could have just said, I'll just, I'll just skip that. But I'm so, so glad that I went and was brave, honestly, because for me, that was brave. I wanted to do more studio workshops and guest teaching.
00:15:43
Speaker
as well so i reached out to people that i knew and just started saying hey i'm available for guest teaching if you're looking for someone i have a friend from college that i haven't seen in years she owns a studio in the metro chicago area And I reached out to her and just said, hey, I'd love to connect. I'd love to teach if you need anyone for guest teachers. And she was like, yeah, for sure. Let's do it. So this past summer, I went to her studio and taught for a day. And then I ended up doing this past year. I originally thought it was nine, but when I did the math again, I realized it was 13 studio workshops, some in person and some virtual. But I was able just to connect with more people this year and do a lot more workshops, whether it was face to face or, you know, through Zoom.
00:16:27
Speaker
I was really excited about the number of different dancers I got to talk to, students I got to connect with, and connections that
Dance Classes and Personal Goals for 2025
00:16:34
Speaker
I made. So I'm really excited to continue that. Again, going into 2025, I have very similar goals of wanting to stay really connected to the dance community with more in-person events. As I said, I'll be at A12 for three of the events. I have one event that I'm working on. It's not solidified yet, but I'm working on an event that I hopefully will be attending and teaching at in November. But I am putting it out there. If you are a studio owner, I am booking now summer workshops, it's a great time to do that kind of thing. I know that during the school year, it can be really tricky to kind of schedule anything extra. But summer tends to be a great time for a lot of studios to either schedule in person guest classes, I compare those with
00:17:19
Speaker
workshops or even Zoom workshops are so accessible and easy to do these days. So I'm currently booking my calendar for 2025. If you're interested in doing any kind of workshop with me, reach out. I'll link my website page for my workshops in the show notes so you can see what some of my options are of workshops that I've done in the past.
00:17:39
Speaker
So my most popular workshops are Become a Smarter Dancer in 60 Minutes, What's Next, to Exploring Options After High School, Resume Rescue is a really popular one, Cultivating Critical Thinking in Dancers is a great one for educators if you wanna give something to your educators. I've also done workshops for dance parents, talking about what dance parents really need to know to be the best advocate and help for their dancer. So I have a lot of different topics I talk about and I'm always open to collaborating, coming with a brand new workshop for a studio. There's something they really want to discuss. So definitely reach out if you are feeling like that could be a good fit for your studio in the coming year. and Another goal that I had for 2024 was to get back into dance classes. And this year I took a total of one singular dance class. And when I took that dance class, I hadn't taken a dance class in two years. So I would say that is a big improvement. However,
00:18:33
Speaker
I only made it to one dance class. And when I did it, if you follow me on social media, you saw that I posted a whole story series talking about how much I loved it and how great I felt and how it opened something up inside of me that I had been missing. And that took me back to a person that I didn't even realize was still inside of me. so I loved it. I had the best time ever. And then I just didn't make it happen again for the rest of the year. And there are a lot of reasons why getting to dance class has been difficult for me in this stage of my life. And mostly it's just the time commitment, honestly, and just having to find a time that works with the rest of my schedule for when a class comes. Because there truly are limited options for adult classes. The odds that the time lines up with my schedule, it just doesn't always work out. And a lot of the times I'm just
00:19:20
Speaker
choosing to prioritize family time over doing that. But I do know how much that meant to me and how great that felt. So I do want to in 2025, I have a goal to go to six dance classes. I feel like that is an attainable goal based on where I was at. It's still a big, big increase from one but it does feel feasible. I will say that I hadn't gone to dance class in so long because the class I had gone to last before that I had a very bad experience and the teacher I personally felt was very demeaning and I just felt truly awful about myself when I left the class and I didn't want to dance anymore.
00:19:59
Speaker
So I just didn't go back. And then I went to this class this past year and the teacher was incredible. I just had the best time. And also I went into it with a totally different mindset because I hadn't taken any of this class in two years. So I was able to go into the class and be like, it's not going to be good and that's okay. Just go have fun. And I really was able to finally do that. Now that I've been retired for six years, I was finally able to get to that place. So I think it's just a matter of finding the right class, making time for it, prioritizing it.
00:20:26
Speaker
Six classes feels like a good reasonable goal that I think I can hit without being stressed about that. And that's where I'm trying to land when I make my goals. I also am kind of considering getting fit for new point shoes.
00:20:40
Speaker
So my pointe shoes that I wore, capizio, glisses, were discontinued maybe three years before I retired. And I was honestly hanging on by a thread through the end of my dance career, just buying pointe shoes off of eBay. Usually the company would buy our pointe shoes for us, but because my shoes were so complicated, I would buy them on eBay and find them and then send the receipts to my director and she'd reimburse me because My pointe shoes were so hard to find because they were completely discontinued. So I made it through my whole dance career, being able to find shoes on eBay, cut the same shoes. I never ended up changing shoes, even though those ones didn't even exist anymore. They were not even being made. Anyways, I have, I think, one or two remaining pairs that I could wear, but
00:21:25
Speaker
My feet have grown since having babies. They are now half a size bigger and in pointe shoe world, that's especially a big difference. They don't fit at all. I cannot put my shoes on my feet. So I am really considering getting fit for new pointe shoes. I'm not saying that I want to do like a full-on variation on pointe, but I think it'd be cool to do some relevés, maybe take like a beginner point class and just kind of get some strength back. And also I like to be able to demonstrate when I teach point class, I'm not teaching any point classes this year, so it hasn't been as important. But at some point, if I have those back on my schedule, it is helpful for the dancers to be able to see you in point. Like once you're teaching more advanced point classes, they don't need to really see you in the point shoes as much. You can demonstrate everything you need, but for very beginners, having the shoes on is really, really helpful. So,
00:22:15
Speaker
I'm thinking that I might try to get fit for New Point Jews this year, but that's just kind of a thought that's lingering in my head. We'll see if I end up acting on that.
Unexpected Challenges in 2024
00:22:23
Speaker
Those were a lot of like the good things that happened this year, are some of the goals that I achieved. Now I want to talk about some of the yeah tough things that happened this year that I didn't see coming, that were unexpected, and that really did derail me. A lot of personal health challenges, some tough things that happened this year.
00:22:41
Speaker
So one big change I made from my health is I cut dairy out of my diet because I realized that I am lactose intolerant. I think I've always been lactose intolerant, but it had been getting progressively worse. I've been feeling really sick, like really nauseous all the time, just like a low level of nausea.
00:22:59
Speaker
I always had a really bad heartburn, but I didn't really know what it was that was causing that. And I didn't want to do like a full elimination diet. That felt really, really daunting to me. The symptoms weren't bad enough for me to really fight the bullet and do a full elimination.
00:23:16
Speaker
but I knew I didn't feel my best. I knew I needed to do something. I didn't quite know what that was. But one week this summer, me and my kids were on an ice cream cone kick. We were just super into ice cream cones. um Every day after dinner, we'd all have an ice cream cone. And that week,
00:23:32
Speaker
As soon as I had my ice cream cone, I would be really, really sick. And I was like, huh, I really think that dairy is bothering me more than I haven't admitted. I mean, I live in Wisconsin. It is the land of cheese. I love cheese. Like, I did not want to admit that dairy was making my tummy hurt, to put it mildly.
00:23:54
Speaker
because I love it so much, but that week I was so sick and I had to finally come to terms with it. But I even still kind of delayed it because I'm not the cook in my family. My husband is the chef. He does the grocery shopping. He does the cooking.
00:24:10
Speaker
I am so, so thankful to him for all of that. My kids eat a lot of dairy. They drink a lot of milk. My daughter's favorite food is mac and cheese. My son's favorite food is cheese curds. There's a lot of dairy being consumed in my house, and I personally felt like me cutting out dairy would make things harder on the rest of my family, make it harder on my husband who's trying to cook dinner for everyone, harder on my kid to only eat certain foods. In true fashion as a woman, honestly, I just kind of was like, I don't know if it's worth saying anything because I don't want to make everyone else's life harder.
00:24:47
Speaker
It sounds crazy to say that out loud now because I was seriously experiencing health issues, but that's just where I was at and until I finally couldn't take it anymore. And I talked to my husband and I'd said, I think I need to cut out dairy. I really think I'm lactose intolerant and I need your support with this because you're the one going to the grocery store. You're the one doing the cooking. And he was like, yeah, of course, no problem. As of course he would like, you know, I don't know why in my head I was so worried that I was going to cause problems for everyone, but I was.
00:25:14
Speaker
But obviously, who is insanely supportive went to the store the next day, bought substitutions for everything. I didn't even realize you could get substitutions for any kind of dairy product. I just assumed I wouldn't be able to eat any of it anymore. But like there is a substitution for anything out there dairy related that you want to have. Some of them are better than others, to be honest. Some of them I just decided to cut out anyways, because the substitution was not that good. but like things like butter, you can get plant based butter, you can get almond milk, that stuff all I felt like was totally fine. Like even you can get plant based heavy cream, like things like that. I can't tell the difference, honestly, in cooking and
00:25:50
Speaker
I have felt so much better. I used to have insane acid reflux and heartburn completely gone since I cut out dairy, like completely gone. The only time I've had heartburn is when I've had Diet Coke, which also gives me bad heartburn, but that's unrelated. That completely went away. My nausea went away. All these things I was dealing with, even just like some brain fog and fatigue went away. So it's just so interesting how I was so willing to not listen to my body and So just kind of shove that down because I didn't want it to be inconvenient to other people.
Health Issues and Personal Loss
00:26:21
Speaker
And when I said something, how truly simple it was to make that change. And I'm so glad that I finally made that change, even though I'm still very sad about not having cheese in Wisconsin. So that was a big hall change that I made this year.
00:26:37
Speaker
And then this summer just was kind of the craziest period of time for a lot of health issues. Starting like early July this summer, I started having this weird pain in my brain where it felt like someone was stabbing me with a pencil in my brain. And it would just kind of like, come on, it'd be a quick, almost like zap. And then it would go away and it happened like three times a day and always in the exact same spot. So that was really strange.
00:27:03
Speaker
And I went to the doctor and she's like, yeah, I think we should do an MRI on your brain. So of course I'm freaking out about that. This is happening. This is looming in front of me. It's not scheduled for a month or so because of their scheduling. So that's just looming over me of like, what is going on with my brain?
00:27:19
Speaker
And then I started having crazy neck issues to the point where I was honestly completely immobilized, laying on my couch, couldn't move my head sideways, couldn't move it up and down, just laying there completely immobilized. The pain was so, so, so bad.
00:27:34
Speaker
I've never been so scared and it's actually so interesting because my friend Wendy over on being a dancer, she was my guest on episode 23 and if you haven't heard her episode yet, you definitely need to listen to it. But when my neck was going through this whole thing, she sent me a message on Instagram that was so, so true and it's something I didn't even think about before she said this, but she said, when you hurt your neck, there's something so deeply emotional about it because When you can't turn your head or move your neck, there's evolutionary fear and panic response because you're scared for your life, your well-being. Like in an evolutionary sense, if you were in this place back in the day, that would be a fear for your life. So it was one of those things where not only I was in so much pain, I was also scared, sad, angry, I was feeling so many emotions.
00:28:20
Speaker
around this neck issue. Amidst this whole thing, my papa passed away, who I was incredibly close to. He was one of my biggest supporters. He always, always showed up for me. He would surprise me at my shows. He would be there as much as possible. Him and my Mimi had a motor home. They would drive around.
00:28:38
Speaker
And they would just love to go visit their grandkids. They would be there for all of us for as much as they possibly could. And then even when they couldn't travel anymore, he would FaceTime us all the time. He would always, always show up for us in whatever way that he could.
00:28:54
Speaker
And when he passed away, that was a huge blow. The grief was really huge around that. And it still is, honestly. I miss him a lot. He was a really big part of my life. So that happens. And then about a week later, I sprained my ankle on my son's sled. He left it at the bottom of the stairs because he was sending stuffed animals down the stairs on his sled in July. And I slipped on it and sprained my ankle like really bad. That was my July.
00:29:21
Speaker
And when I look back on it now, that sounds so crazy to say that all happened in July. And by the way, my um MRI, I did get the um MRI in August and everything was okay. They did find something that explains the pain in my brain, but it was okay. Nothing to be concerned about. So to tie up that loose end. But just thinking about that July.
00:29:44
Speaker
in the summer in general honestly was so crazy. Beyond the obligations that I had, the teaching workshops that I was doing that I still was somehow able to do everything that I had planned amidst this, beyond all of that I really did not do any other work for the summer. Like I did all my obligations, I did all my workshops, I did all of my client meetings, all those kinds of things I was still able to show up for. But anything moving my business forward, anything that I had planned to do that was an extra resource I wanted to release or anything like that, even it's like social media stuff, I just had to completely like go for the summer. And obviously, I wasn't planning on doing that. I did have plans and things I wanted to accomplish. And they just didn't happen. And I was definitely sad.
00:30:28
Speaker
angry about all those things. But what I didn't feel this year that I've always felt in the past was guilt. I had zero guilt that I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do because of my health challenges. I was able for the first time in my life maybe to be really accepting of that and just be like, that's okay.
00:30:47
Speaker
You're doing the best you can amidst a crazy set of circumstances because amidst all of this, my husband's still traveling for work. I still have two small children who were out of school for the summer, so home way more often. Like other things weren't slowing down. I was able to, I guess, just be like, that's fine if you don't release that resource. That's fine if you don't write, you know, X, Y, and Z blog posts that you were planning to.
00:31:13
Speaker
What's gonna happen? The world's not gonna end, right? You have to take care of yourself. We always say you have to listen to your body. I've said it so many times that I'm starting to get sick of hearing myself say it because I'm realizing now how privileged it is to be able to actually listen to that piece of advice.
00:31:32
Speaker
And I don't think that I realized that until now, until I was recapping this year and realizing the place that I've gotten to with my body and with my health and all of that and being able to actually listen to the cues and honor them and realizing that, wow, I'm actually only able to do that because of the insane amount of privilege that I'm in. And don't get me wrong, I have always been privileged.
00:31:55
Speaker
my entire life. I am very aware of that. But this is a different type because as a professional dancer, even just looking at your schedule, like someone tells you when you need to be in class, when you need to be in rehearsal, when your performances are, you don't get to say, well, like actually my body could really use next year of recovery here. I need to not come to rehearsal today. Like that's super frowned upon. Even if it would be better for you, even if it would be better for the entire company, if you took next year of recovery, it's just culturally Not accepted, right? Like I didn't ever feel like I could say that in my workplace setting. I felt like the only time I really felt like I could take time off was when I was so, so sick, I couldn't get out of bed. Because even if I was just a little bit sick, I was still in rehearsal. You know, if I should have been resting or if I was so, so injured, I couldn't walk. Because again, if I had a minor injury, like a little something nagging, I would still show up and dance. And there is definitely a fine line between how much rest you need, how much recovery you need, when you can push, when you can pull back.
00:32:52
Speaker
And at this stage in my life, I can make those decisions because I am not in a valet company where I am told when I need to be in a class, when I need to be in rehearsal, when I need to be performing, when I get weeks off, when I have to be on, none of that. I have the privilege of listening to my body and saying, Oh yeah, I am going to take all this time off because I can. And of course there's a way more embedded in that than just a dance schedule, right? Like there's obviously so many other socioeconomic issues.
00:33:20
Speaker
access to resources, other things that come into play that don't always allow people to actually listen to their body in the way that we should be. I'm realizing that six years out, again, for my professional career, I'm finally getting to a place where I'm able to do that better. And so I've really been grappling with that advice that you know I say to dancers and that people say to the dancers and listen to your body, like how can dancers actually do that? What would that look like for dance companies to create a space where dancers felt safe, like their jobs were safe,
00:33:54
Speaker
if they truly listen to their bodies and do what was best for them. And how could a dance company operate? So I've really been trying to figure out, you know, how could the dance world operate in a way that actually allowed dancers to honor their body to rest when they needed it to make that more accessible. I'm starting to feel like we keep saying that, but what are we doing to make it possible for dancers and I honestly don't know the answer at this point but definitely something that I've been thinking about a lot because I can't tell you how wonderful it has felt to be in a place where I can really honor my body and also get to a place where I can get a little bit out of that black or white all-or-nothing thinking that we get so stuck in as dancers because again that's kind of how the dance world sets us up like if you're too sick to come into the studio you don't come if you're
00:34:44
Speaker
well enough to be there and well enough, you know, I want to say in quotes because I feel like so many times we go and even when we really probably shouldn't be dancing because we feel like we can't miss rehearsal or we'll lose our part or we're told by a director like you need to come in or if you're in college for dance, your grade depends
Embracing Balance and Grace
00:35:00
Speaker
on you being in class. So you go even when you're sick and if you're there, you're expected to give your all and not just the year all that you feel like you have that day, but what they have seen as your highest, right? Artistic staff and everyone is looking at you and wanting you to always give that high peak, right? So it's really hard as a dancer to have a gray area, to have an in-between where you're like, okay, I could be at rehearsal today and I can probably give 60% and that would be reasonable for me because that's all I have to give today based on my current health.
00:35:33
Speaker
But then like will that be acceptable from the leadership? I don't know. I'm just now getting to a point in my life where I'm able to start to have some of these in between thoughts, for instance, yesterday.
00:35:44
Speaker
We're just recovering from this illness we had as a family and feeling a little better. I feel like I really want to start getting back into a workout routine. I feel like I have a really good routine that has felt good for me. And I had about a week off because we were sick. And I was like, I think I want to go do a little weights. And I was just like, I don't know if I can do it. It feels really daunting. I don't know if I'm ready. And then I had the thought, well, what if you just didn't lift the heaviest weights like you always do? What if you lifted a little bit lighter weights?
00:36:11
Speaker
And it was like a light bulb epiphany. And I know that sounds so obvious, but it wasn't obvious to my brain at first. Like I really felt like I needed to either go and do my workout completely to my highest potential that I've ever reached or not do it at all. And it was like, Oh, I could just go do it and do a little bit lighter weights because I've been sick and my body needs some more gentle movement and I need to ease back into it. And that is kind of, I think, gonna be my theme.
00:36:39
Speaker
for 2025 is finding the gray area, you know, not getting so stuck and that's all or nothing. And that's really hard for my brain. That's really, really hard. My brain really likes to go all or nothing. So I go really, really hard. I put everything into it and then I end up bringing out and then I do nothing for a while. And I'd really rather be in an in-between place. And of course it's going to fluctuate. Some days are better than others, but I want to be in a place where I feel like I can give. If 60% is the best I can give that day, I go and give 60% instead of saying, it's not 100, so I'm going to do nothing. And that's where I want to live. That's where I feel like progress comes in. That's where I feel like things really change. That's something I'm really taking with me into 2025. And again, i'm I'm recognizing that that's hard when you are in your dance career, when you're in the industry.
00:37:30
Speaker
that it doesn't always feel like you can do that. But I really would encourage you as a dancer to think about how you can shift your black or white all or nothing thinking into what you can give in a certain day and giving yourself permission to still show up even if it's not at 100%.
Focus on Family in Early 2025
00:37:47
Speaker
Let's talk about some of my 2025 goals. So first quarter, honestly, I am just kind of trying to survive around here. Speaking of health issues, this has truly been an insane year for my family. But this fall, in addition to everything else we've been going through, my husband tore his ACL playing soccer. So beginning of February, he's getting surgery to reconstruct his ACL. And that is going to be a big, long road of recovery for him, a lot of work to put in, a lot of downtime, you know, initially a lot of PT and I really need to show up for him. I need to show up for my kids. I need to put in more work.
00:38:23
Speaker
on that side of my life. My husband and I are a really great team. We really split our responsibilities very evenly. But for that part of the year, I'm going to be the primary caregiver because he just simply cannot. I'm not making any huge big goals for the first part of the year because I just don't think that's reasonable. My goal is to be a great wife, a great mom, and just show up for my family.
00:38:46
Speaker
looking ahead at the whole a year, I have a goal to do one pull-up because I just never been able to do a pull-up in my life. I remember doing the presidential fitness test and I never could do a pull-up. I've always had what I consider to be a pretty weak upper her body and so with all my neck issues this year and getting back into PT and figuring things out, I've really discovered like how weak my core got during pregnancy and then how weak my back has been. So I've been really, really intentional about continuing to work on that, doing my PT exercises, strengthening my back, doing more weight training in that area. So one of my goals is to be able to do a pull up. I don't know what the training plan is yet. I don't know where I'm going with that. I don't have a plan of action.
00:39:28
Speaker
But that is something that I want to work on. I'm thinking that might be something that I kind of start working on in the spring. So I'm kind of tabling that for now, but it is a goal for this year that I want
Reigniting Love for Live Theater
00:39:40
Speaker
to do. Another goal I have for 2025 is to see 12 performances in person. So when I retired from dance, I had no interest in going to see performances. I just couldn't do it. It felt terrible.
00:39:55
Speaker
I hated sitting in the audience. I wanted to be on stage and I just couldn't separate my dancer brain. from my audience brain, like I would be so, I guess critical of watching performances. I just couldn't enjoy it because I was so just too close to it. I remember even seeing like the very first performance I went to of MCV after I retired that fall and I was with my husband and I just cried the whole time. It was so emotional. I was just not prepared for that. And so over the years after that, I slowly started going to more performances.
00:40:29
Speaker
I have been so lucky teaching at Madison Valley to be able to get comp tickets to their performances. And I have tried to go to as many of those as possible. And I've loved seeing their shows. They're incredible. But it still was hard for me, ah just on a personal level. And 2024 was the first year that I finally started going to shows and being like, oh, OK, now I can enjoy this. Like, same thing with dance class. I just got separated enough from it where I think when I saw the performances before, I'd watch it and be like, oh, I could get up there and do that. I want to do that. Like I love this piece. I want to be in it. I love that choreography. I want to do it. I could do that stuff. I could still do this. And maybe just now, like the knowledge that I'm like, I literally could not do that. I would fall on my face. I can enjoy it now. And that's just how I felt about it. I think everyone has a different experience with seeing performances after they retire where that has been my experience. And so.
00:41:24
Speaker
2024, I kind of got back into going to performances a little bit on accident. Again, with this trip to London, my husband said, Hey, do you want to go see a ballet while we're there? And I was like, I mean, yeah, let's go see if we can see the Royal of Ballet. So we bought tickets. They released the casting the morning of the performances. And leading up to it, he keeps asking me like, Who do you really want to see? I'm like, Oh, Marianne Ellis, she is one of the best dancers in the entire world. Like if I could see her, that'd be a dream come true. And so I keep checking casting, keep checking casting. And then the morning of the performance, I checked the casting and the screen that I scrumpt, my husband thought that I like he was in the bathroom when I was in the hotel room. And he thought I was being attacked. He thought I need he needed to call 911. Like he was like, what just happened?
00:42:06
Speaker
when I saw the casting, the principal casting, and it was Mary-Nella Nunez and Reverto Voll. I was shaking, crying, throwing up like all the things. It was one of the most amazing performances that I have ever seen in my life. It was truly, truly life-changing. and Yeah, I don't think I'll ever get over it. I don't even have words to describe it. But it was just sitting there and seeing that I was like, Okay, this is incredible. And then just even like my husband, and I started to go see more other performances this year. So when I say 12 performances, I don't even mean all ballet, just performances like live theater.
00:42:43
Speaker
We went to see like an improv comedy troupe that performs in Madison and we had the best time. It was so much fun. And then when we went to Amsterdam this fall, we went and saw Boom Chicago and that was incredible. It's another improv troupe. So we were like, have been really into seeing comedy and improv and that's been really enjoyable for us. Madison Valley did some amazing performances this year. They did Giselle, which was gorgeous. I got to bring my son to see Nutcracker again after a few years off and he brought his best friends and his sister and his mom and
00:43:17
Speaker
They had never been to a valet before and they had the greatest time. And it was just really magical to have them experience the magic of the Nutcracker and just see like what that means to people. It was really incredible. So I got to enjoy that. We also got to see the Byer-icious Stott's Valet. I hope I said that correct. In Munich, we were there for Oktoberfest. We didn't have tickets to see the valet or any plans to see the valet. But the last day we were there, I looked up the valet and I said, okay, they have a show at 5 p.m. There's tickets available.
00:43:46
Speaker
who wants to go. So me and my husband and another one of our friends went to see the ballet. I didn't realize I bought standing room only tickets. I was like these are only nine euros. That's incredibly affordable. Well, that's because they were standing room, but honestly, it was very comfortable. We had no problems and it was a great valet. So honestly, if you are traveling, like, especially within Europe, you know, obviously the valet companies there have better funding than in the U.S., government funded, you know, a lot of the time, and they have lots of performances. Like, you're a lot more likely to be able to see a performance when you're in town. You can get really affordable tickets. So it's always worth it. I feel like if you're traveling just to see what's out there, see if you can
00:44:25
Speaker
snag a ticket for a performance, like just pop in. I really enjoyed doing that this year. So this year, I just really reignited my love of life theater. I had such a chip on my shoulder about it, honestly. And this year was the first year I was like, I can enjoy this. And this is so fun. And what a great date night. And I want to support these artists. Like I want to be walking the walk when I say like, we need to be in the theater and we need to be supporting the arts. We want to survive. Like I need to be doing that too. So I'm really committed to doing that in 2025. My husband and I are going to see Shamilton in a few weeks, which is a Hamilton inspired hip hop improvised musical. So that's going to be awesome. We're super excited about that. I think that we're going to go try to see Dance Kaleidoscope in Indianapolis when I'm there judging for a twall.
00:45:10
Speaker
Obviously, I'm going to be all the Madison Valley shows that I can on this year. I want to go try to see more local Madison productions, other companies in the area. I've been so, so lucky to go see international Valley companies, but I really also want to focus my support more locally because there are so many amazing companies in this area and people doing just great work. And I want to be there to support that. So that's really my goal for this year is to try to see 12 performances. And honestly, when I've been thinking about things I want to do this year, I just been thinking about what things make me feel good, what things do I want to add to my life that are going to make me feel good, right? It's not about restrictions or completely changing myself. It's about
00:45:50
Speaker
looking at what things have brought joy to my life and trying to add those in. and I do have other goals for this year, but I thought this was getting a little bit long, so I'm not going to go into all of them. But in general, that is the approach that I'm taking to setting goals is one, what will add joy to my life and not just like a quick dopamine hit of joy, real lasting long term joy. Like will this make me feel better? Will this really bring me lasting joy? Will this make me show up better for my family, for my business? And if the answer is yes, that's something that I want to try to include in my life. It's not about restricting and cutting things out. Again, the goals are about finding that gray area because I could say
00:46:30
Speaker
I want to try to get back into dance class one time a week. That's not going to happen. I know it's not going to happen. I know that's an unrealistic goal and past me would have made that goal. And then when I didn't do it the first week of January, I've been like, well, I already failed. My goal this year is six classes. That feels like a really good gray area goal. It's not nothing. It's not everything. It's just something. And that's the area that I'm really trying to live in. That's the energy I want to take into 2025. And that feels really good and really exciting. I feel like we play such a priority on the huge wins, the huge moments, but that's not what life is really like, right? Life is way more in the gray area.
00:47:09
Speaker
And I want that gray area to feel good too. I don't want to just only be waiting for those big moments to give me that huge hit of joy. So that's where I'm trying to live this year, and that feels really exciting. To wrap up the podcast episode, I want to share a couple of, well, one change and one question I have for all of you. One big change to the Braining Ballerina this year is that I am switching the format of the book club. So up until this point, we have read 12 books per year, one per month. But the thing is, I am reading every single book before I recommend it to you.
00:47:42
Speaker
And a lot of times I have a book that I think is going to be a great fit for the book club and then I read it and I just don't like it. Something about it puts me off. I just can't see myself recommending it to you. So I'm really reading more like 20 books a year just in service of finding the best books for the book club.
00:48:00
Speaker
I probably read about 26 books or so a year realistically. I love to read, I read a decent amount, but like that's how many books I usually can read a year. I love books about valet, I love inspirational books obviously, but I also want to read other things too.
00:48:14
Speaker
And with how many books I read for the book club, it's taken away from me being able to explore other areas. And honestly, it's gotten really stressful. Like there has been months where I am reading like three books in the last week of the month, trying to find the right book choice because everything I thought was going to be the right one just didn't fit for some reason. And I don't want to fall into that stress anymore. The book club is supposed to be an enjoyable, fun thing we can do together to build community, to get some more knowledge. So I don't want it to turn into a burden.
00:48:43
Speaker
So for this coming year, I'm switching it to six books a year. So every other month, there'll be a book pick. The first book of this year is Unicorn Space by Eve Rotsky, which is a book I read in December and I'm super excited about it. It's all about finding your creative spark. It is the act of pursuit of self-expression in any form, which requires value-based curiosity and purposeful sharing of its pursuit with the world. And when I'm reading this book, I'm making this list of different creative endeavors that I'm thinking that maybe I want to make my uniform space, right? The whole idea is that you find something that is like just yours that you do outside of your other obligations that you carve out time for simply because it's creative. It makes you feel good. It fulfills something for you. And as I'm reading the book, I'm kind of making lists of things that maybe I could pursue. I'm like cross-stitch, flower arranging, cookie decorating. Like I love watching those cookie decorating videos where they outline it and then they do the frosting in the middle and they have the little tool that like shakes it and makes all the frosting perfect.
00:49:41
Speaker
I'm like, that'd be fun to learn. And I'm thinking of all these things. But as I'm going, I'm like, I just can't see myself. None of these things are sending out to me as something that I'm passionate enough about to carve out time intentionally for. I'm not feeling excited about it. And I'm like, what could my unicorn space be? And I'm reading more and I'm reading more. And as I get to the end of the book, it dawns on me that I already have unicorn space and it's the rainy ballerina. Like this is my
Finding Fulfillment in Creative Work
00:50:05
Speaker
unicorn space. This is the place I go where I get to use my creativity, that I feel full of purpose, that I feel totally aligned to everything I want to do with my career where I really
00:50:16
Speaker
truly feel that I'm making an impact on dancers in their careers. I want to carve out time for this first pursuit more than anything else that I'm wanting to carve out time for. The brain ballerina is a thing I think about when I'm driving, when I'm in the shower, when I'm on a walk, like it is just the thing that I just can't turn off in my brain because I have such a passion for what I'm doing, and I am constantly overflowing with ideas for this business. And I discovered that, and at first I thought, well, that can't be right, because your unicorn space can't be a monetary thing. It can't be your work. But honestly, the more I thought about, the more I realized, like, no, it is for me. And I'll say it again, you are allowed to love your job and also make a living. Like, I can love what I do. This can be something I'm so crazy passionate about and that I want to spend
00:51:03
Speaker
so many hours a week working on and that I really want to dedicate a lot of time and energy to. And I can still desire to have a livable wage from it. And I deserve that. And that's okay. And I hope that dancers can take that with them into 2025 too. This idea that you can love your job, you can feel a sense of purpose in it, you can want to do it more than anything in the world. And that does not mean that you don't deserve to be paid for what you do. You absolutely do.
00:51:31
Speaker
The last thing I want to bring up before I have this podcast is a possible change for 2025 is I need your opinion on what to do about March Madness. I have been going back and forth about this and I really want to get your opinion. So if you are not familiar, March Madness is my version of the popular basketball tournament March Madness. So every year I make a bracket for something related to the ballet world Past topics have included ballet steps, ballet movies, classical ballet, something like that. It starts at the top 16 and we vote it down to find a final winner. And I do the voting on my Instagram stories, but you can fill out the bracket on my website, turn it in, you have a chance to win awesome prizes from me and other sponsors. It's a really fun event and that I've really enjoyed doing.
00:52:18
Speaker
However, I don't feel like it's gained the traction that I have wanted it to over the past four years of doing it.
Listener Engagement and Future Plans
00:52:26
Speaker
So I have plans for it this year. I have a theme in mind. I'm thinking ballet villains like Caravas, Rothbart, Mouse King kind of thing. I think that'd be really fun.
00:52:37
Speaker
But I want to know if you're into it, if you want to participate, if it's something that you want to see happen. Because it does take, again, a considerable amount of time and energy to put it together. And I love doing it. It's super fun. So I don't mind. However, I want to make sure it's something that you actually want to be a part of and you want to see. So email me, message me, comment on Spotify if you're on here. Let me know your thoughts on if you want to see March Madness happen again this year.
00:53:03
Speaker
Okay, that felt like a lot. But I feel like I needed to share that with you. Because as I've said before, your personal life really does play into your career, your dancing, everything so so much. It's all a part of you. You can't separate the two. We're always told to leave our problems at the door.
00:53:21
Speaker
You can't separate the two. What's going on in your life is going to affect you and you can choose how you're going to use it and what way you can show up on certain days. But it's all a part of you. It's all a part of your story of what's going on.
Reflecting on Past and Planning for Future
00:53:33
Speaker
I hope that me sharing my wins and my challenges this year will give you some room to, if you haven't yet, reflect upon your year. Write down some of your biggest wins. Write down some of your challenges.
00:53:47
Speaker
Write down how you felt about it. Think about how you want 2025 to go. I'm not playing into the whole strict, harsh resolution vibes. That's never worked for me. Even all of my goals this year, I'm not even starting right now. you know Some goals I might not start until six months into the year.
00:54:03
Speaker
That's fine. There's just ideas of things I want to do. Things might be fun to do or might feel good that I want to incorporate into my life. And that's where I'm going from. That's the place I'm living in. I feel like there's so much more that I plan to share that I just couldn't fit into this episode. So again, let me know if there's some questions you had.
00:54:22
Speaker
any areas you want me to expand upon and talk about more in a future solo episode, because obviously I can talk about this kind of thing for a while. But I just hope you know that going into this new year, you don't need to be a whole new person. Just think about what makes you feel happy. It makes you feel good. Think about things you want to add to your life, things that might bring you joy. And don't be afraid to exist in that in-between area. Don't be afraid.
00:54:49
Speaker
to give yourself some space to be in the gray area and let go of the gilts, let go of the sheds. Recognize that you're doing the best that you can with what you have right now. And that's enough. I'm excited for where this year is going to take me. I'm excited to see where this year takes you to. Thank you so much for being here. There's so much good stuff to come this year on the podcast. And I am just so thankful to have you a along for the ride.
00:55:15
Speaker
Thank you for tuning into the Brainy Ballerina podcast. If you found this episode insightful, entertaining, or maybe a bit of both, I would so appreciate you taking a moment to leave a rating and hit subscribe. By subscribing, you'll never miss an episode. And you'll join our community of dancers passionate about building a smart and sustainable career in the dance industry. Plus, your ratings help others discover the show too.
00:55:41
Speaker
I'll be back with a new episode next week. In the meantime, be sure to follow along on Instagram at The Brainy Valorina for your daily dose of dance career guidance.