Transcript
Speaker: welcome back to chamber and record And welcome back to Chamber of Reason. We are currently recording the episode of Chamber of Reason that has Jill as a guest. And that you're listening to. What's up, Jill? What's up, guys?
Speaker: I love you all. We love you so much. It's so great to have you on our show. um And just a little bit of housekeeping at the top. ah A lot of people have been telling me that my my voice is coming through clear, very very easily distinguishable from Derek's voices, but...
Speaker: I think Matthew and Derek, we should probably do a quick lesson about how your guys' voices sound so that people can more readily distinguish them from one another. That is so true. People confuse me with either Derek or Matthew.
Speaker: I mean, i'm just I'm not going to say who I am right now, they confuse me with either Derek or Matthew. Yes. That was Jill. That was Jill. Jill and i we have our work cut out for us because our voices are so similar to one another when you compare them to Derek and Matthew. It's like we're sort of on the shrill lady team and then Derek and Matthew are on the sort of Howard Stern deep team.
Speaker: But do you guys think you have any useful insight about how to identify your your voices? I just wish I didn't sound like Derek or Matthew because whichever one I am, I don't i don't like i don't like the other one.
Speaker: He's not a very nice person. i think that maybe the guy who's saying this now won't talk for the rest of the episode. That's what I wish. Or that's what one of us would wish against the bad one.
Speaker: I actually remember listening to this and and thinking I can't tell who's talking, who's speaking. You remember listening to this a second ago when you're hearing this conversation? No, it wasn't a second ago. it was, it was, um, 10 seconds ago. Really? Can you tell now?
Speaker: Well, I'm looking at you right now, Derek. No, the trolling. The trolling is real. Derek has a deep resonant baritone.
Speaker: Is that right? yeah i don't really know singing stuff. But so does Matthew. It's a nice voice. h Richly textured. Derek slash Matthew, are you actually not going to speak anymore?
Speaker: You think that'll sort of clarify it? People will get used to one of your voices. It's hard to tell this quiet type apart from the rest of the world, which is silent. The air. Here's what I'll say. I think Derek has a bit of rascally laugh. Like a more like a a rascally laugh like ah And I think Matthew has a more sort of like um monocle, penny-farthing laugh.
Speaker: but Sort of sort of a ghost of Christmas present laugh. So that's one tip. that
Speaker: That's one hint that I can give at the top. That's going to be our challenge for this episode this episode is making whoever this third guy is laugh. really Oh, Pierce, that was your laugh. I have like five or six. I honestly don't even know if my laugh is... I don't even know what my... What your normal even know what my laugh is supposed to sound like, yeah.
Speaker: It's so performative. No, it's freeing when I hear it. I like when it's...
Speaker: You like when laughs are or when my laugh is? When your laugh is like that. I like your laugh a lot, Jill. ah I think sometimes you laugh so hard that you don't make any noise. You just sort of, know how some people... That happens.
Speaker: They glitch out.
Speaker: Stop it. And what is that noise in the background? Are you talking to me? think there was a dog. Are you hearing that? That's so annoying. Shut up. There's a dog. There's a doggy. Yeah, I have Josh. i have a little chihuahua like begging for my attention.
Speaker: me I can easily tell you apart. Me and the dog? or Yeah. ah How's everyone doing? ah what are Has anyone had any deep thoughts this past ah weekend? does anyone They say that the deep thoughts occur on the um in the bath, on the bus, and... ah Subway takes.
Speaker: Subway takes. Subway take yeah what takes is when people get their best thinking done. Do you have a subway take, Pierce? I know you have plenty. i think I've probably said them all on here.
Speaker: oh Something like dogs. Dogs are not a viable. No one should want to be a dog or have a dog. That was one of mine. You did one, right? No, didn't do one. What are you talking about? Where did you get that information from? I know. I think it's polite to say to anyone that you know. you did a subway take, right?
Speaker: Yeah, it polite. Mine is like, there shouldn't be cussing. you should be ah There shouldn't be cuss words or vulgarities. They shouldn't exist. Well, I noticed in like it's they always bleep like on that show and other like shows. They just bleep them out with like the the sound of a horn honking.
Speaker: Like, why can't you just say how is fuck like offensive? I agree with you. Fuck should be offensive, but it's not because it's too commonly used and we can just pepper over with horns. When you say fuck, it should have such power that you are literally like arrested or your life is ruined. Totally.
Speaker: Why are they even bleeping it out? Yeah, if it doesn't have the power of the N-word, then it's not really cuss word. How about this um but this question from Too Afraid to Ask, the the famous subreddit?
Speaker: And Matthew, why don't you read this question? All right, I have a question. Am I racist if I have a racist thought in my head? I just witnessed something that immediately put this thought in my head.
Speaker: Probably a... Insert your ethnic slur here. But that's something I would never say out loud. At least I would think so. And it made me think. Am I a racist? Okay, so they saw sauce they thought... The thought... They witnessed something that put a thought in their head and the thought was probably a blank.
Speaker: Yeah, probably a racist thing. Probably ah an ethnic slur? is Are they saying... I think so, yeah. But they thought an ethnic... So they looked at like a mess or something and attributed it. They used Batman's detective vision. like they It sounds like they didn't see the the ethnicity in question. They just saw like a sort of crime scene.
Speaker: And then their vision mode switched and they were like, oh, I i know which ethnic minority did this. i like Is Cholo a slur? Cholo's just kind of person you can be.
Speaker: I love Cholo. I think if you misapply it it could be a slur. What would that look like? If you just call anyone who kind of scares you a little bit of Cholo. Cholos don't scare me.
Speaker: No, I adore them. Cholo.
Speaker: I remember when my mom, when I like finally turned old enough, like eight or nine, and I was like, can you please check under my bed? I think there's a cholo. And she had to like sit me down and say, cholos are real, but you can't use that word to describe something that hides under your bed.
Speaker: They don't go there. They don't go under there. They more hang out in their sort of communities in their neighborhoods. If they were in your room, they'd be sitting on the bed or like pacing about reading your story. Yeah.
Speaker: They'd be trying to leave. i think they'd be trying to leave to go back to their like families and communities. They would be really confused about why they were under your bed. They wouldn't want to be under your bed. Cholos hate it under there. i I loved Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite had so many Cholo siblings and I had a crush on them. Yes, they were all really cool.
Speaker: um And Cholo is... ah No, go ahead. and i was What's Chomo? I don't know. I think it's like Chomo. Chomo is Cholo plus Slow Mo.
Speaker: I was going to say Homo. No. don't think so. Have you guys seen Napoleon Dynamite recently? Because the best scene in that whole movie is like it's dirt it's right after the opening titles and it's when he's giving his class presentation. Do you guys remember what he says?
Speaker: haven't ever seen You've never seen Napoleon Dynamite? What does he say, Pierce? I've seen That's why you so successfully embody it, Derek. Yeah, you are him. You're John Heater. You've never had to like purge those jokes from your own self.
Speaker: You just are a walking Napoleon dynamite. You are. You're always saying vote for Pedro and the shit, and kind of bullshit. I came up with that on my own. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, they stole it from you. Pierce. No, it's just a really brief moment that and I don't remember anyone ever quoting. But if if you ever like are sitting around on a rainy day and your friends are like, you know what we should do is we should rewatch Napoleon Dynamite. Say, no, let's watch the class presentation that he gives and then turn it off. Let's memorize what he says and then let's not watch the rest. Because it's a very dull film, if we're being real. But he talks about how Japanese... It's like you have to give a presentation on current events in his class.
Speaker: And his current event is that Japanese scientists finally succeeded in blowing up the Loch Ness Monster. Oh, yes. yeah Yeah, he said like and blowing Nessie out of the water. That's the line.
Speaker: Our underwater ally. So do you think you're racist if you have a racist thought? If you have a racist thought... In your head. Or if I could rephrase this, do you become a doctor if you have a medical thought in your head? ah Well, that's so interesting interesting. Because I mean, your actions are what determine who you are.
Speaker: Right. Wow. and Well, you can have a racist Freudian slip. And I think that's when people really start to get like, holy shit, you're secretly. It's almost like there's nothing worse than being a secret racist. And that's why the Freudian, the racist Freudian slip, people are always, their antennas are always up looking for that. But now it's like when you're saying, oh, you when you accidentally say, but my mom is black.
Speaker: Oh, never mind. Right. she That's racist. Exactly. yeah and so That was a racist thing to say. i meant to say she's but to say she's white.
Speaker: Sorry, Freudian slip. I must be thinking about black people. um Yeah, no, people should not be judged for their thoughts. And they should not be judged for their actions.
Speaker: Because honestly, committing a medical act also doesn't make you a doctor. That's true. You can commit the most complex surgery. You're not necessarily a doctor, even if you remove the organ right.
Speaker: If they're not judged for their actions or their thoughts, they're probably judged by their cover, right? I mean, you you think someone's a doctor because they wear the doctor's outfit. Yes, and you can only acquire the doctor's outfit by like ascending through the many ranks of the secret doctor society when you get that stethoscope as branding on your ass. They like make the the searing hot stethoscope and they brand you and then you you swing your head back in ecstasy and pain as you realize that you're now officially indoctrinated. indoctrinated i mean, talk about...
Speaker: Indoctrinated. Yeah. Yeah. It is very much like joining the KKK. There's just a very complex kind of bureaucratic vetting process. And a white coat.
Speaker: White coat. And then you get to be a real racist. Yeah. But i do the only way to be considered one of these things is to undergo some kind of discipline. I mean, you have to you have to ascend through discipline, punishment, all that. There's really no other way to understand that something has become something else unless someone has been like thwacked really hard. And it's like, all right, your it's now your birthday. Thwack.
Speaker: You're now this age. You have to go to racist school to be racist. I guess that is kind of what we're getting at. yeah Yeah. The only thing that matters is if you get a degree. You could be a dropout for sure. It's just like someone says, oh my God, that was so racist of you. And you go, I'm not racist yet.
Speaker: I'm working on it. Yeah. This is coming from like a racist in training, but I haven't actually. But how do you cross from a racist in training to a real certified lab coat, white coat racist?
Speaker: Probably like a journeyman. You need like 200 hours or something. I could ask my cousin. A more experienced racist. What was your cousin? What's your cousin know about it, jill Well, she's quite racist.
Speaker: And she spends every waking moment of her life um dedicated, dedicating her life to that. Yeah. That practice she posts on Facebook. And maybe this doesn't mean that you're racist, but a lot of, you know, in front of her house, she has she puts her dog in Blue Lives Matter um like flags. And she has a huge Blue Lives Matter flag waving in front of her house and then you know, some of our Thanksgiving conversations will look like her complaining about not being able to understand the Chinese woman on the phone that she talk to. I guess if I saw a woman with a dog who was wearing a Blue Lives Matter flag, i would think that her husband has some sort of cuckolding fetish. You you think a Blue Lives Matter flag is sort of like an open invitation, like my body is your whoever wants it? That's what that means?
Speaker: My body belongs to the state. and They're both cops. They're both cops. Wow. ah How can you fornicate? How can two cops fornicate when they have these like hard exoskeleton, like bulletproof vests sort of like rubbing against you? How does one enter another or whatever they do?
Speaker: i don't think they fornicate. I think you don't think they fornicate. No, I think they talk to each other between bulletproof glass. A cop's love language, it seems to me, is like just rubbing the outside of your pants with two fingers while all your gear is on.
Speaker: And it's got to be in like the backseat of the cruiser. Kind of sounds hot, but it's just not... That does sound just don't know if if you can make a baby that way. If your gear like weighs you down in like just the right way, maybe like you can like find yourself in a like fitting position for intercourse, maybe. But the gear has to be... It's sort of like Death Stranding or something. The gear has to be like...
Speaker: correct spot so your body sort of contours into the right position tricky i think they so i don't think they sleep in the same sack i think they they sleep in separate sacks yeah yeah i went to their apartment and they have two you know two rooms one of them's pink one of them's blue pink for girl blue for boy And his stuff was on his, his, you know, nightstand and her stuff was on her nightstand.
Speaker: They are not sleeping in one sack. I feel like if I weren't having sex with my wife, the least I would request or want is to at least be able to sleep in a pink room and at least be, feel like I'm inside of a girl's world at the very least. Can't be inside her body and soul. At least I can be in a pink room.
Speaker: Yeah. We're married and, you know, I used to i used to fantasize about like sneaking into the girl's locker room and I finally was able to marry the first girl who gave me any attention.
Speaker: it is a thrill. course I'm not going to go into her room. i feel like the most exciting parts of dating when I first started dating as a teenager teenager was going inside of a room a girly room.
Speaker: Yes, and opening her dresser. I can like sit down in here freely. It's nice. it really is so uncanny. Sometimes I felt like I was taking, was taking like poison damage from spending too long in a girl's room without kissing or having sex or something. I was just like, wait a minute, I think I'm becoming a girl. We have to do something quick.
Speaker: But it's funny to imagine a cop like a cop in his private life. It's almost like he feels like he owes it to the public to have his life be the same sort of rigid... Yeah.
Speaker: I don't think they have private lives. Too much. Literally, they're they're like, well, as ah as ah as a public servant who you know molests and abuses ah private citizens all the time, I must not have a a life of my own where i like I can't be hypocritical and share a bed with my wife because my prisoners aren't allowed to do that. and mean in my All day, all night, I'm just supposed to have rigid rows and my radio. and
Speaker: I don't know. It's almost like a cop does not allow himself to be happy because he's like, well, that of that's for criminals are allowed to be happy. I'm i'm supposed to hate every second of my life.
Speaker: Again, this is why it logically follows to be like they they have to be cucks. If they love their wife, they have to be a cuck. Well, other people have, you know, committed relationships and they delude themselves into thinking that their love will last forever. I am a realist and I know that all women cheat. And so I'm just going to get ahead of this and have her cheat and with a schedule.
Speaker: Under my watchful eye. Under why? Yes, I'll protect her. hey don't, don't. ah You're resisting. Stop resisting.
Speaker: He says that to the bull.
Speaker: He did love he truly like I was so entertained by him. The first time I've ever met this man at was at my family Christmas party. And he said the N word to me within four minutes of meeting him.
Speaker: just said it to you? Yeah. He called you that? He come over here. he was just acting like John Lennon. He was.
Speaker: He had to get shot. But he's not racist. He doesn't have a racist thought. He just says that word. He just says the racist stuff. Yeah, I don't think he's okay. Exactly. so As long as you're mindless while you say these yeah words. and Then you're clear. Yeah.
Speaker: Are you racist if you have a racist bone in your body? oh like you had to get a transplant or something? yeah What does that mean? You know, people say I don't have a racist bone in my body. Right. People say that.
Speaker: It probably depends which bone. and My bones are racist. My my mind. my My soft, malleable mind. We shouldn't let people away with saying I don't have a racist bone. It's like, of course. No. Yes. Bones can't be racist. Yeah.
Speaker: they They are alive. They do continue growing throughout your life. Yes.
Speaker: You do need to drink a lot of milk to sustain them. But no, they're not racist. Try again, girl. That's what I'm going to say when someone accuses me of being racist. I'm just going to put the emphasis on bone very questionably. going to say, I don't have a racist bone in my body.
Speaker: and then I'll smirk. um Okay, let's move on from racist stuff because um it's just getting like really uncomfortable. It's so charged.
Speaker: Yeah, it's just so racially charged. yeah My Mexican dog is getting upset. Wait, the dog got upset? The dog sort of picked up on a vibe? yes Yes. He did. like Dogs can be racist sometimes. That is like the most horrible thing yeah you can see in public is like a dog being racist. Oh, it's so bad. what are you Is that a Freudian slip? When a dog...
Speaker: internalizes the owner's slip slip, but it's i know idea yeah it is the body belt the body revealing your mind. It's just another body revealing the contents of your mind. Well, so so does the dog or the dog's actions and extension of the owner's thoughts? I think so.
Speaker: The dog's actions are product of the six people who are closest to them in their life. Am I a racist if I have a racist dog in my house?
Speaker: Here's a question that I would like you to read, Jill. Okay. This one's very related to our podcast. Okay. Most philosophy is useless for thinking deeply.
Speaker: Does anyone else feel like philosophy is just one big circle jerk for fake intellectuals? I'm talking about the people who sit around spewing out big words and convoluted theories like they're solving the world's problems, when in reality, they're just trying to sound smarter than everyone else.
Speaker: It's like these philosophers are living in a bubble where they can pretend their ideas are groundbreaking, but in the end, it's all just a bunch of hot air. They love to throw around jargon and complex concepts to make themselves seem deep and insightful, but honestly, it feels more like they're just talking in circles.
Speaker: Did I write this? Honestly, philosophy often seems like it's more about showing off than genuinely seeking truth or understanding. It's a game where the goal is they're doing what they're criticizing. Okay. Yeah, this is how philosophers talk. it's It's a game where the goal is to outsmart everyone else, not to come up with the ideas that actually make a difference. And the worst part is these so-called intellectuals eat it up, patting themselves on the back for being enlightened while the rest of us just roll our eyes.
Speaker: If you want us to be a real deep thinker, You should be able to write in plain English so everyone can understand. The true mark of intelligence and deep thinking isn't how complicated you can make something sound, but how well you can break it down and explain it to someone who hasn't spent years studying the same stuff.
Speaker: This is why I would rather talk on this sub than talk to an academic any day of the week. Brilliant. I think that was a really good observation for both of you that this person is ah is currently doing philosophizing. This is a 21st century Plato condemning condemning the sophists. I think they were humiliated somehow by a philosopher and now...
Speaker: Sure. Does anyone else feel like engineering is just one big circle jerk for fake intellectuals? Yeah, for making machines spin around. Fake blue collar handymen.
Speaker: Yeah, just break it all down for me. Look, I didn't go to school for this, but if you can't explain it simply to me, and by the way, using terms um like vertical height, I don't know what that means.
Speaker: It's too complicated. Break it down. Rocket scientists and brain surgeons. always just circle jerking around their respective fields. Has anybody ever done an actual circle jerk?
Speaker: Like, what is that? interesting. They live in a bubble and they do a circle jerk. Like, that doesn't sound so bad to me, being in a big bouncy round bubble and with all my friends sitting in a circle and jerking each other's lines.
Speaker: i thought that circle I thought that circle jerking was somebody stands in the middle and you're surrounded by like 10 guys jerking off. I think that's... What's the middle doing? It's like a pentopticon. They're being jerked off at. Yeah, I think with a circle jerk, there's no target.
Speaker: oh okay. All right. Yeah, I think that... What is that? Bukkake? Isn't that Bukkake? That's when you jerk off on someone's face, yeah. a bunch of people jerking off on someone, yeah. yeah someone's face?
Speaker: A circle jerk is ah is a very like innocent... It's parallel play. You're not jerking one another. You're all jerking solo but in the community, and you're all facing the center of the circle. Like a bonfire, but there's no fire. That's what I thought...
Speaker: But I thought that there was like a girl in the middle just standing there looking hot. It's kind of interesting because I guess you could circle jerk and have something in the middle like a panopticon sort of a phallic totem in the middle of everything.
Speaker: I'm sure most circle jerks are in front of like a laptop with porn. Yeah. I definitely had friends in middle school who would watch porn together. And my guess is they jacked it to some extent. Like, probably different levels of involvement. Completion?
Speaker: Yeah. They probably weren't in a perfect circle, though. Right. I think it's hard to watch something in a perfect circle unless you have... They should make like an orb TV for circle jerking so that it can be viewed from all sides.
Speaker: Or what about um kind of you're allfa you're all facing to the outside of the circle? Kind of like when you're in a haunted house trying not to get snuck you're turned around? Yeah, you're all got your backs to one another, so it's not that gay. And you're all just looking out and people watching.
Speaker: But where's the tv versus's the TV? Oh, you're looking at people. I see. Yeah. You're just all looking at your own separate screens, but your backs happen to be touching. Well, what if philosophers jerk...
Speaker: Circle Jerk off to? Like a book? A topic. A topic, yeah. A concept or an idea. I Circle Jerk with my friends to the topic of breasts.
Speaker: Of truth. Epistemology. see And I'm coming. I think circle jerk Circle Jerk's ended in the ninety s so I know the the surgeon general, Clinton's surgeon general was fired or had to like resign for publicly speaking in support of circle jerks.
Speaker: Are you serious? No. They they made like public statements saying like circle jerks are an important part of like growing up and natural, healthy development. They're an important part of growing up. Yes, it's an important part of...
Speaker: bonding and getting to know your body and others. Are you talking about the band? Huh? There's a band called the Circle Jerks. that From the 90s.
Speaker: The Surgeon General was against this band. No, this is a real thing. Surgeon General came out in support of mutual masturbation. Thought that it should be taught in schools. Mutual or parallel?
Speaker: Oh yeah, there's a difference, huh? Wait, are you talking about Jocelyn Elders? think. I don't know. yeah She was a woman? girl? Yeah, a girl. What? A goonette?
Speaker: ah When asked at a World AIDS Day conference about promoting masturbation as a way to prevent sexually transmitted diseases, Elders responded that it was part of human sexuality and that perhaps it should be taught.
Speaker: And then she got fired. Wow. Wait, masturbation should be taught, but not mutual or parallel masturbation. Circle jerking should be taught at fifth grade. Maybe it wasn't circle jerking. Have you ever jerked at we ever um parallel play next to your buddy?
Speaker: I've done it once, yeah. In secret. Once? they didn't they were Wait, that doesn't count. That doesn't count! No, I thought that Matthew was saying in secret, but I thought it would be a funny thing to say. What I meant was that we both... We both did it and acknowledged that we were both jerking off, but then we both made a pact to not tell anyone.
Speaker: But then, of course, we did. One time I secretly jerked off with my friend and vowed not to
Speaker: Were you watching the same thing? We were jerking off to how funny it was that we were both jerking off.
Speaker: But we were doing it in the dark and we were both in separate bunk beds in the same room and we were both staring at the ceiling and laughing while we jerked o You were in separate bunk beds. Separate beds. and not We weren't bunking, yeah. But it was in the same room.
Speaker: Were you on the same level? Yeah, we were on the same level. It was pitch dark, though. Okay. couldn't see Couldn't see him ah at all.
Speaker: Matthew, how about you? What was your situation like? Uh... I think I was just trying to get some rest. So I'm jacked off near my buddies kind of surreptitiously under, like trying not to make too much motion under the blanket.
Speaker: well Were you in the same bed under the same blankie as them? or i've No, I don't think I was in the same bed. ah i had i remember at a certain point i had like I was living in this like guest house and I had like other mattresses. This is when I was a young young boy. i had a lot bunch of like mattresses in my room so people could hang out and sleep over.
Speaker: and so had a few friends sleeping over. and I was like, I'm not going be able to pass out unless I but do this. So I did it And I don't think anyone was the wiser.
Speaker: but I don't know. I mean, I'm sure people have done it around me, but I've never i've never caught my friends jacking off. I just remembered that one time at a sleepover, I was sleeping on the floor, and my two friends who were brothers, they were each sleeping in their beds, and I was sleeping on a sleeping bag on the floor, and i started started working on myself.
Speaker: then It was just me and my friend in the bedroom. His brother wasn't in the other bed. and then goes, I hear a rat scurrying around here. Rat. Rat.
Speaker: rat
Speaker: They're in the suburbs of Allentown, PA. There are rats scurrying around here. He was just trying to save you from embarrassment. Yeah, he was. He knew were about to to blow.
Speaker: He was trying to help you blow. He knew that if he said that, you'd bust instantly. Thank God. That was a butter killer.
Speaker: so Joe, I hate to be so gross as to ask a girl something like this, but have you ever... gotten Have you ever... had you like Have you ever flicked your shimmering bean in in the company of any of your girl or It's shimmering.
Speaker: not shimmering. It's wrinkled, crusted. It's dull. It's dull. It's mad. Yes, of course. Of course.
Speaker: When I was younger, me and my best friend... did everything together. Like, first every first experience ever. Every. And it was, it was so non-sexual. It was just curiosity. was doctor mode. Yeah. Yeah. We were just like, what? Like, well, I was, we were trying to do it next to each other. We were circle jerking. Wow.
Speaker: But I've, I didn't realize like, you need probably a little bit more than just to touch yourself, to feel something. You need encouragement. Yeah. And I think I just was obviously, it wasn't the right environment for me to to really enjoy it.
Speaker: But I was thinking like very like, so like I was really thinking about it i was like, this is very. This is happening. Yeah, this is happening. This is really happening. But I remember we would play like, call ah we would play video games like this.
Speaker: We played with her younger brother once. i don't know, some GameCube war game. It wasn't Call of Duty. Medal of Honor, European Assault. It was... um some on It was Medal of Honor, European Assault.
Speaker: Was it Katamari Damacy? It was like... um it was um I have the game somewhere. Anyway, we made out with each other. that was the first person I've ever made out with after we won the game. like She won the game. and She's like, I'm going on a date later. I need to make out. like I need to figure this out. because anthony's Anthony Lopez, my cholo boyfriend, is going to plant one on me because he's he dated someone four years older than than me.
Speaker: So he's experienced. I need to practice kissing with tongue. And he didn't we did did You did that in front of the brother? No, the brother left. but I thought you did that sort of like a victory dance to like humiliate him.
Speaker: It wouldn't have made a difference because he was just kind of like there all the time. But she left the room and I remember sitting there being like, wow, like that affected me. Yeah. i still Did she ask you or did she just start like laying into you? No, she was just like, we have to like come on, like do you mind?
Speaker: She asked me for consent. She asked me for consent. And it felt amazing, right? It it kind of did. I'm trying to figure out what this game is, though. That's the important part.
Speaker: It's probably Medal of Honor. Desert Storm. Conflict Desert Storm. Oh, cool. conflict yeah Now that is a sort of philosophical premise. Yeah, how ironic.
Speaker: e War. Desert storm. It's like sexuality kind of reminds me of a desert storm. It's like sometimes it's a desert down there and all of a sudden there's conflict and then it starts storm. storm Plenty of mirages. I'll say that much.
Speaker: do you love Do you love flicking beans? I wish they were more of themselves. I just i don't like how they feel so caught in the so caught in the ah like drywall of their environment.
Speaker: Totally. like I like the environment. They should be above the belly button. You love them. yeah I love them. I love beans. I've been getting into um the clitoral hood recently.
Speaker: We talk about the clitoral hood every episode. What do you like about it? what's and What interests you about it? and Just work, I guess. Does the job. I remember when I was younger, I saw my friend's clitoral hood when she was peeing, and I was like, that does not look right. Was she peeing on you? How the fuck could you have seen that? Well, she was just... God, I don't know. what is what is the clitoral hood? It's sort of like when a cat has two eyelids.
Speaker: Yes. yeah The clitoral hood is there so that girls can swim without getting their clit wet.
Speaker: It's just so that girls can swim. it' so girls can It's like the swim goggles for the clit so that it doesn't get wet when they swim or salty in the ocean. Yeah, it's good.
Speaker: It's good. respect In that respect, it's quite good. i'm I'm quite happy about it. Well, I'm really jealous that you got kissing practice, Jill. I never got to practice on anyone.
Speaker: I just practiced with my mom. You practiced with mommy? Yeah. I don't think I got too many kisses from mommy. I understand, Pierce. Your mommy is quite the looker.
Speaker: She's sweet. Yeah.
Speaker: She told me to practice on my hand and then she she, it was very sweet. My mom and I, we used to cuddle. She gave me some advice. She kissed my hand. She was like, this is you kiss. Now you practice on your hand. I'm not going to do it again.
Speaker: What do you guys think? I think you got molested, frankly. Is kissing your hand considered jerking off? Or like a low, it's like first base with yourself?
Speaker: If Pierce's mom does it. Oh, you kissed her we yeah you kiss kiss me She kissed my hand to teach me tongue? Oh, I didn't know that. Well, then she didn't teach you.
Speaker: she did She just did this? No, no, no, no. not like a You gotta to put tongue in it and a little bite. A little bite in the upper finger. The kissing you do where it's like, you know, movie kissing, but no tongue.
Speaker: You know, how you just sort of like... you A long romantic movie kiss. So what did you what did you do while she was doing that? Were you just kind of like... Biting his lip.
Speaker: I was thinking philosophically about what this would mean to me in years years in the future. you were circle jerking. here Mental masturbation. I didn't have my first real kiss like for years after kissed my friend Andrea.
Speaker: So I kind of forgot all about what I learned. I think when you get this early knowledge, it sort of makes it all seem kind of redundant. Like, yeah, why have a real kiss? Why kiss? I don't know how. I'm on the record as saying that kissing is such a waste of time.
Speaker: I know that you feel that way. I could just tell. i mean, i like I like, you know, all kinds of tongue stuff. That's all great. But a smooch, I mean, like, it's... I know, you're like, this is such... I could be doing so so many other things. Even jerking off next to someone is better than kissing them.
Speaker: Jerking off next to a guy is better than kissing the love of your life. Yeah, agreed. Jerking off next to your friend secretly on a road trip is better than kissing the love of your life on the lips. I agree. How dare you?
Speaker: that's that That's horrible. There's no freedom in a kiss. You're like trapped in a room together. You've created a room with your mouths and your tongues are both in it locked in.
Speaker: Well, do you feel that way during about intercourse? no No, no, Intercourse is great. And when you're having kisses during intercourse, it's it's like, oh this is kissing. So that's a lover's kiss. I see.
Speaker: Oh, that other shit, I don't even know. That was like a stocking stuffer, but this is the real Santa style gift. No, tongues and lips and stuff are they're quite nice, but they shouldn't be so locked in. you should be able to like lick You should be able to lick each other's mouths or do whatever and pull away and not be in a long kiss. Stuck in a kiss. stuck It's annoying. No, I feel like I'm stunlocked or like they're using a kiss attack on me or something. I 100% feel that way. I hope no one ever kisses me.
Speaker: That's why I like to always go down the neck, do all that neck stuff. Yeah, to get away. Exactly. I'm 100% serious. I'll up like and go to the neck. I'll go to the ears. like I just want to get away from being trapped in this mouth. And I know as a side effect, maybe this will turn you off.
Speaker: I feel the exact same way. realized I was making a girlfriend lately and I was like, shit, I went for the neck after like four kisses. I like forgot how to make out.
Speaker: Yeah, and then it's like, oh, didn't even earn then i didn't earn the neck. I know I'm not. I haven't earned this. ah Neck, ear. what Just to get away from the mouth. Not everyone feels this way. A lot of people I've been with have looked for so many excuses to get away from my mouth.
Speaker: Really? they' With their mouth. Yes. They do something else with their mouth. Oh, let me go down here. away. like Let me go to the kitchen. and Let me get some stuff in the kitchen. Get some some pizza. I'm going to kiss everything in your kitchen now. It's always a bad sign when someone starts kissing your nose and then works their way up to their your forehead and then says goodnight.
Speaker: Bye-bye. When kissing is foreplay to a forehead, say, that's enough. Thank you. Bye. Pierce, you want to read this one? I do, yes.
Speaker: Is it true that some women get with men just to, quote, set them up? There was a female rapper in a limousine. She told a male rapper to get in with her, and he declined.
Speaker: People said she was trying to, quote, set him up. As in, they were going to hook up that night, and then he was going to get her pregnant. Then he'll be tied up with her permanently due to their baby, child support, baby mama drama, etc.
Speaker: Not allowing him to cut ties with her. I see people using this phrase when a male celeb unexpectedly has a baby with his girlfriend. Is there any truth to this notion? Does this actually happen?
Speaker: Or are people just shifting the blame entirely on the woman in a relationship as if it doesn't take two people make a baby? And we should probably hold space for Jill to respond to this first. Yes! Sorry. All right, You agree to hold space for her? Yeah.
Speaker: All right. Let's do it. All right. Give me an hour. Hey.
Speaker: Yeah. I think that... What you think, Gurley? I think that... This happens as a woman. I know that this shit happens.
Speaker: Take my cousin, for example. She set her. She set him up. I think she's setting up her her husband for, you know, for fatherhood. for fatherhood Yep.
Speaker: I think this doesn't happen, actually. No, I think just and I think it's very reductive. Are you serious? It takes two people. remember my friend in my early 20s was convinced for like three years that his girlfriend was poking holes in his condoms.
Speaker: yeah I asked him how he knew this and he just said whenever he stretched it on, there'd be holes. I think you're just miss i think you're just a plot you're putting it on wrong or something. or I don't know. i don't know how that happens. but The opposite happened for me. i was but like earlier on. and whole Wait, can we all take turns guessing what the fuck that means that theyre the opposite happened to you?
Speaker: Yeah, go ahead. You were poking holes in a condom, and then your boyfriend would put them on to find that the holes had magically sealed. That's not it. Okay. I was imagining a condom without even the singular hole. Without even...
Speaker: is an object that has no inner or outer... close um Your boyfriend was stabbing your pussy with a pin?
Speaker: Jesus. In a way. yeah No, but... In a way, the opposite story enough dilly dallying, Jill, just get to the story. Why these delay tactics are. god I'm just, it's really hard for me to talk about. Um, not really, but when I was first like sexually active, I remember I was always so anxious about being pregnant all the time.
Speaker: I was terrified, even though i was always on birth control. And I thought that the person I had sex with the the guy, if I'm being Frank, okay Like poked holes in the condom. That's the opposite to me. The opposite sex. The opposite. Got it.
Speaker: I would never. i mean. have thought that. Yeah. I would have never just. I just don't even think that that's like guy behavior. Right. And that's kind of what happened. he was like, you really think I would want to get you pregnant?
Speaker: Damn. Jill. Whoa. You. you You'll never. I was like, what's wrong with me? like You really think going make you your crazy ass pregnant?
Speaker: Everyone else, sure. I'll make everyone else a mommy. I'm never trying to... Everyone else, sure. You're the one I love, so I'd never do that to you. um Matthew, Derek, when you when you guys want to surreptitiously impregnate someone, you don't poke holes in the condom. You just take the condom off when they're not looking, right?
Speaker: ah Generally, yeah. They're never looking. Yeah.
Speaker: ah I can guarantee you that there's nothing to see down there. okay but Where are they looking, Derek? Probably reading. You're reading a book?
Speaker: I'm not looking at them. oh I see. Right. No one really knows what's going on. So you guys still use condoms with your lovers? love love your lovers I really use that stuff much.
Speaker: don't want to buy them. It's something you do on a first date is kind of a joke. And then after that, you're you're finished. Oh, we'll never see this again. It's a gag gift. Hey, got you this. ah No, i don't know. It's like the gesture of like when a girl goes on date and like you know reaches for the wallet.
Speaker: Right. But then after that, you want to do the gesture of never using a condom again to show how much you believe your partner would be a good mother. That's so romantic. Yeah. Never again. Yeah.
Speaker: yes i remember this girl in like seventh grade was like, I never use condoms. that's That shouldnt doesn't feel good for me. Feel bad for her? She's like, I'll never use it. It hurts my pussy. sharp.
Speaker: Makes the dicks too big. That's that extra layer. What is she doing with the condoms? Like stretching them and snapping them back onto you or something? She claimed that she was allergic to latex. Just use lambskin. You're just a whore. A lot people do that.
Speaker: Yeah, a lot of whores use lambskin if they're allergy girls. When I was a 14-year-old boy, I was always telling every girl, hey, you have a latex allergy. I can tell by the way that you're the way that you carry yourself.
Speaker: The fact that I have a crush on you means you probably have a latex allergy. Just the shape of your body and the look of you. just i reckon you won't have a good time with either either latex or lambskin, if I'm being real.
Speaker: There's a lambskin you won't like because you're a vegetarian. Latex is your alert. Nothing makes you happy. to maybe me.
Speaker: That would work for me. That would work? Yeah. would work yeah If there was just a condom ah a school-wide condom disaster where all girls were allergic to latex and and all all boys had sort of a sheepskin penis except for me. Except for you.
Speaker: ah normal human skin. ah No, I mean, of course ah it takes two to tango, especially when it comes to rearing a child. This limousine situation, though, is kind of interesting. Don't you guys think? This female rapper in a limousine who told a male rapper to get in with her when he declined? a joke A male rapper... Yeah, it's a setup yeah where it's a punchline.
Speaker: Punchline would the damn baby, honestly. Uh-oh. but I think most people probably set each other up to one degree. Most people people probably mutually set each other up and they don't really care. They're like, oh, damn, I guess we both tricked each other into having a kid, but I guess that's very normal. So I'll go along with the trick. And even after you have a kid, you're still setting each other up.
Speaker: Like, oh, I guess our kid will go to elementary school now. Wait, are you serious? Well, it is normal. guess have a birthday party for him. We didn't talk about it beforehand, but you're right. A birthday party seems normal. Let's just do it.
Speaker: When I first read this title, is it true that some women get with men just to set them up? I was confident that the question the the body of the question was going to be like, ah is it true that some women date men so that they can like fix them, fix their lives? Hmm.
Speaker: I'm going to set you up, set you up with ah a hamper. I'm going to set you up with what's ah what's similar to a hamper that some of these floor mattress guys might not have. A ah bed frame.
Speaker: Bed frame. I thought that this was going to be a volleyball thing. yeah Set it up and then spike it. Yeah. I thought it was setup as in like, all right, like this person is sleeping with me.
Speaker: And then after we both come, she it emerges. She tells me that it was actually a trick. <unk>s actually my go I was just trying to make you come. Yeah. She reveals that she's infertile.
Speaker: i can't conceive. I was just here to admit. I'm spayed, baby. I just want to get you off.
Speaker: You set me up. You set me up, you witch. Yeah, why are we both rappers? It's nothing to do with this. Yeah, as the female rappers establishes a rapper, she shouldn't need to set anybody up.
Speaker: feel like setting... Oh my goodness. Sorry, the dog. this hupping dog Should we restart? The whole thing? You're serious? It kind of ruined the flow.
Speaker: Yeah. This is a human podcast. um and Shut up. You think rhyming has to do with this situation? like she Yeah, all barks are rhymes. Or like, with when this female rapper coerced the male rapper in. Do you think she did a rhyming couplet from one of her songs?
Speaker: like Go ahead, try one. a fucking walking paradox. No, I'm not. That was the male rapper. Yeah. The female rapper was probably just like... um Hey, but it let's say... Get in the car, we'll go far.
Speaker: i It has a built-in mini bar. Okay, I see what you're putting down. You're trying to set me up.
Speaker: ah That's not a rhyme. That's not a rhyme. It's just sort of down and up. I see what you're putting down. You're trying to set me up.
Speaker: We should have a doula on the podcast. What would they do? What would they do? yeah what Yeah. What do they do? Doulas get work from their friends who are sort of loose.
Speaker: Like if you have an unemployed doula, you can set them up by just like, don't worry, I'm going to go get pregnant for so you can get a gig. Yeah. Yeah, maybe it's legitimate, but it always sounds like to someone talking about like Reiki or something.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. What do you do? Energy work? You get the baby out clean. Look, when I'm having my baby, i don't want any bullshit artists around. Yeah.
Speaker: No astrologers. No astrologers. Rational. Rational things. Yeah. Yeah. Rational. And this house, we believe in science. I want Neil deGrasse Tyson handling things, handling all bodies. want him to be in the room when I have my kid.
Speaker: Mm-hmm. My son. You have your bouncing baby boy. Tyson is involved. His eyes are made of stars, technically. He's a miracle of life, well, scientifically speaking. Yeah.
Speaker: Yes, a miracle reminds me of the word mirror, which coincidentally, you can't kiss yourself in a mirror unless you want to kiss yourself on the lips. Yeah, you'd just be kissing glass. It's actually me out glass. Yeah. Try kissing a mirror, I dare you. You might think you're kissing yourself on the lips, but it's actually a a compound material, a composite material called glass.
Speaker: Shards of sharp glass. Watch out, don't break it. Glass is dangerous when it's sharp and shards. Can we watch this clip of Jordan Peterson? Yes.
Speaker: Ooh. Let's do a 3, 2, 1 and then I'll click at the same time it's so it's synced up. 3, 2, 1, go! A innocent, well-meaning, and attractive young woman encounters a male who's a bit of a monster.
Speaker: And the monster is five types of classic male monster. For all you males who want to know, this is what you can become. Vampire, werewolf, billionaire, pirate, and surgeon.
Speaker: Okay, so that's very interesting because, well, first of all, there's a dominance thing. is it Now you're actually blushing. you know You're actually blushing about that. That's very, very funny. Wow.
Speaker: Wow. And then he even actually talked to Jill at the end of that clip. Jill, didn't believe you had him a bluff. first thing i was going to say is he's ah he looked handsome. old so Old school Jordan Peterson is, he has something.
Speaker: In that clip. At the end. not when he was know me directly to me He has like a deer penis. That's what I want to say. You know he has like ah a thin, reedy, but long and very hard deer penis. That's what you hear in his voice? That's probably true. And what you see in the way he moves.
Speaker: You know, like it's not girthy, but it is very rigid. And it kind of like it's one of those cocks that like goes up at an angle when he gets hard. totally Do you think it's long or no? but I think it's I think it's a six and a half. er Oh, you do.
Speaker: Yeah. It's furry all over. Is that what you said? No, no, no. I think it's clean. It's brown. It's probably gray. Is he a werewolf, a vampire, a surgeon, a pirate? Pirate.
Speaker: pi he's more He is more of a pirate, isn't he? Arr! He's trying to take all the booty from the wealth of human wisdom and knowledge.
Speaker: I found a lo lobster! Because he likes lobsters and sort of pirates. yeah That was a good impression. Arr! Well, I just have his voice. Oh, you kind of do have his voice. I just imagine his penis, whether it's hard or soft, while he's lecturing, when he gestures and he's kind of feeling it, he makes that like movement.
Speaker: That little Kegel? Yeah, the Kegel that sort of like moves it. and That little pulse. No one no one knows. but Oh. And he's soft, but it'll like make an emphatic point. The muscle is moving? Yeah, and then the muscle.
Speaker: i never thought about that. Does that happen to you? And do you think about it when it happens? I don't think it happens while I'm talking normally. I'm i'm sort of disconnected from my... What does it mean?
Speaker: Yeah, when it moves like that. Is there a meaning? Is it just It's just interesting. it's It reminds you that your penis can do things. yeah it's it's you know It's like taking a shit at work. you know it's just like yeah that's not That's not the right environment for that. like You kind of use it like a comma, right?
Speaker: But you're making the comma with your body. Yeah, you can kind of bounce it. Like, you can bounce the cock. understand. Yeah, like when you say, oh there's five types of guys. Ninja, Kama,
Speaker: um Gangster. Yeah, each one of those items that he listed, there was a little bounce. His cock bounces? A little bit soft. He's not turned on. He's just know feeling it. It's part of his gestural like repertoire, whatever. Yeah.
Speaker: Mommy, Frankenstein. Jump, jump, jump. it's and And the sack is obviously has to move as well. The sack moves and sort of jingles as it settles back down again. Yeah. Yeah. He can do that sort of like belly inhale that lifts up one of the testicles. It jingles if it's full of metal, but it doesn't always jingle. Right. Yeah. If there's no metal, then hardly makes a sound at all.
Speaker: But if you're a pirate, you probably have all kinds of piercings on your on your testicles. Don't be a pirate because they're going to hold you down and and put piercings all over your penis and testicles.
Speaker: So there's five kinds of monsters? Is that what he's all on about? I honestly forget all of them. like Vampire, werewolf, billionaire, pirate, and surgeon. He's just listing types of like love interests in like romance novels. um yeah yeah Well, you say that like that's but that's not something.
Speaker: No, it makes sense. Yeah, that's probably what he's Romance novels are pulled from the collective unconscious. Yes. Wow. He could have also said, um I but bet either he's missing one that's also from romance novels, right? like ah Cholo.
Speaker: <unk> Oh yeah, the sensitive thugs, the gangster. Yeah. The homie who reads poetry. The nerd. The sexy nerd. And of course, the nerd. And that's the one I am
Speaker: Now there's five monsters and there's also five heroes. The nerd, the dork, but they first suck the the boindexter, and the professor. And you're actually blushing as I'm saying this, sweetheart. Am I making you wet?
Speaker: There's the bricked up dork. There's the quirked up nerd.
Speaker: And there's the big dick energy loser. Yeah, and if you've been paying attention, if you're a woman in my class, you should be wet.
Speaker: if you're and If the ladies in the room aren't wet by now, you're not paying attention. as you faddle my class. i Now, who are the five sexy males again?
Speaker: There's the shy homie with swag and attitude who, if you give him a chance to hit it from the back, he's going to rock your world. and there's And there's five women in this class who I'm targeting. And I'm grooming you right now. And if you're not if you're not noticing that, you failed.
Speaker: Okay, let's say I drop a pencil. Let's say I drop a pencil and you pick it up. Okay, now I can see down your shirt.
Speaker: Let's say I drop up a pencil the other way. Okay, now this is where it gets interesting. Now I can see your butt crash. So there's really no way of picking up the pencil, right?
Speaker: So that's hierarchical. which way could Which way do you drop it so you can look at my pussy? king So that's when that's when you drop the pencil and I pick it up. And as I'm picking it up, I look up your skirt.
Speaker: Okay. Yes. Okay. Thank you. again You're welcome. I guess. I guess, though. Now, there are four types there are five types of cock teases.
Speaker: There's blonde.
Speaker: There's five types of jailbait in my class.
Speaker: You're blushing.
Speaker: Damn. Okay, so... That was pretty good. I love how this opens with an innocent, young, attractive, well-meaning woman meets a monster. He has to describe how beautiful this woman is before he can start saying... And then there's sharp teeth and... A well-meaning woman who doesn't deserve what's about to happen encounters a horrible fate. LAUGHTER
Speaker: And this is just one of the rules of reality. I can't really imagine a vampire ah being able to get hard. Oh, come on. They're already hard. They're already hard.
Speaker: Really? Yes, they're hard. That's the whole thing. All over? They're hard constantly, yes. All over. i think you're right. Yeah, their human penises are hard. It's all their vampire qualities that vacillate.
Speaker: What happens when something gets hard? what What happens when your cock gets hard? Is it the blood that rushes that makes it hard? Mostly blood. Well, vampires love blood. That's their whole thing. so I feel like feel like they only get hard after they bite or like or maybe when they see blood, they get hard.
Speaker: Their teeth are hard. That's what I was thinking, that their teeth are probably, their teeth harden when they're around luscious woman or person. Whose teeth aren't hard? Vampires' teeth are soft when they're not hungry.
Speaker: Vampires teeth probably are really soft because they can't chew their food. They can only have liquid. Yeah, they only have liquid. Their teeth are super soft. But then when it's time to bite, their teeth get hard. They get a little long.
Speaker: A little bit. They have to pull on their teeth a little bit before they... You're getting me in my mouth. Vampires are hard all over. Werewolves are soft.
Speaker: Werewolves are so furry soft. They have a red rock. They have a red rocket down there. have a red rocket... I see a red rocket every day. And what are surgeons penises like? Maybe medical in nature? They're they're definitely circumcised.
Speaker: Smart. Intelligent. They have a purple latex glove on. there's And some glasses. Some reading glasses.
Speaker: Yes. ah Surgeon's penis be like condom. Condom.
Speaker: um tits like pass me the I was gonna just say pass me pass me the ass pass me pass me the sounding rod sounding rod Why are you just saying sounding rod? Why you saying pass me the... Yeah, say passed me pass me. Thank you.
Speaker: Thank you very much. Thanks. thanks I needed that. I needed that one. Pocket pussy. Fleshlight. They don't sound like that. Yes, a surgeon says that. cancer Cancer. You have cancer?
Speaker: Cancer. You have cancer.
Speaker: You're wet. it yeah
Speaker: Surgeons are damn creepy, honestly. Monsters. Why are they trying to get in?
Speaker: Let me in. those's All they're trying to do, right, is get and mess around. Just open up. Get in and out before anyone notices. Open wide. And delete all the evidence. And here, take some medicine to make you make you die for a little bit. Yeah, you'll die now.
Speaker: Surges are always temporarily killing people. No, you die. Now you go to sleep. Adios. Jill, for you. a yes jill for you Oh,
Speaker: did Jesus have a sense of humor? I'm asking them because I work in the Christian based facility. I told the joke that was not really off color or racist or offensive, but I got in trouble for it. Had to go to HR, blah, blah, blah. I thought to myself, Jesus probably would have thought that that was funny.
Speaker: But the way they all act. Oh, but the way by the way, they all act there. It's like everyone's super serious and uptight drives me nuts. So my question is, Daddy, or did he?
Speaker: Did he did he or did he not? What do he laugh at? A stupid dad joke or would he be all bringing down the thunder of heaven on your head?
Speaker: They did spell did he or did he not? Did he or did he not? Did he or did he not? this ah My question is, daddy or did he not? That's what you say when you're plucking petals from a flower. Daddy or daddy not? Daddy or daddy not?
Speaker: I have a book somewhere around here called The Humor of Christ. And it is a 100-page book by a true lover of Jesus named Elton Trueblood.
Speaker: And it's about how people always think that Jesus was like a super solemn and serious guy. But he actually was always cracking jokes. But his examples of the jokes that Jesus was cracking was just like, um yeah.
Speaker: Like Jesus said sort of a a Reddit style says. Jesus was always like looking into the camera and doing the gym face. Yeah, especially that last well that last day.
Speaker: Well, that sources. Awkward. And welcome to my TED Talk. He was like a street performer. right like special Jesus had a sense of humor. Or else he would have made my ass so fucking weird and fucked up.
Speaker: you Jesus made your ass? He worked on it? Yeah, he did with God. still With God? He and God worked on it. He had a sense of humor when it came to your fucking rear end, right? because yeah like What if we made shit come out of this? ah Yeah, or else we wouldn' have we wouldn't be shitting.
Speaker: Yeah, let's have Jesus was probably always making poop jokes and shitting on people. He probably had like a really blue or blue sense of humor. he was the original Gigi Allen. When he died. Didn't wash like feet, like whore's feet or something? Yeah, he washed whore's feet. Whore's feet.
Speaker: He'd shit himself when he when he died and resurrected when he died on the cross. Definitely. And when he resurrected, the shit went back into his body. Never mind. Kind of like flew through the, it flew through the world and into that cave. It had already dispersed so much over the few weeks of his passing. It probably got a lot of dust in it.
Speaker: oh You know how Stevo goes in the poo cocktail? He goes in the port-a-potty that flings up into the sky and all the shit goes goes all over him? Yeah. You can kind of imagine Jesus having like a GoPro on one arm of the cross when he's up there and he's like, Ah! Ah, man! This hurts! Fuck!
Speaker: Like Stevo. Did Jesus speak English? Did he speak English? No, he was probably more like, Allahu Akbar! Or whatever.
Speaker: ah But did he even speak Hebrew? Did he speak Roman? I mean, it occupied Judea. i actually don't know what language he spoke. I think he spoke Spanish. Sign language. Yeah, what did... feel like I knew what he spoke at some point. Aramaic.
Speaker: Aramaic. At some point, but you lost it. At some point, he spoke Aramaic. And at some point, I knew that. He swore in Aramaic. Once.
Speaker: yeah One time. Oh, one time. need to crucify me for that? The rest of the time is broken English. Broken. He spoke broken English.
Speaker: Get me down here. get you down here? Sorry, do you mean get you down from there? What's a but's a famous famous Jesus quote?
Speaker: I can't think one thing. I can't think of one thing he said. Surprise! I'm back! Hey y'all! me You better turn the other cheek.
Speaker: I think he said something about never casting a first stone. Yeah. shows be should always be the What is it? What is the logic there? so Someone else should do it. so it' all she yeah yeah and Someone else should begin. begin.
Speaker: Did you say, I need bread or here's bread or something? I need bread. I'm dying. I need bread. ah Okay, how about some poetic irony? You're going to need bread so bad you're going to become bread. He turned people into bread? Yeah.
Speaker: He turned himself into bread, right? For Catholics. That was with one of his jokes. yeah i thought he was wine. He's wine and bread. That's his blood. Yeah, he turned into every part of his body turned into a different food. His ass is chocolate. His ass is chocolate. Yeah, his ass turned into chocolate.
Speaker: When Jesus died, he left one last little joke to his followers. He was like, and you'll eat my body, bread, wink, wink. You'll eat my blood, wine, wink, wink. And you'll eat my shit. And then and then his followers killed him.
Speaker: We don't want to eat your shit. I was just joking. The other stuff was true, though. The other stuff is true. bone My bones are going to be a hard food.
Speaker: Everything's going to be its own thing. My hair will be spaghetti. Angel hair. Barilla angel hair. My eyes will become meatballs. My brain will be bubblegum.
Speaker: His mouth is some sort of dip. My mouth is full of salsa verde. like you... Yeah, his wound that that he had on his side for the Lance of Longinus. It's ketchup and shit like that, yeah.
Speaker: Bye.
