Transcript
Speaker: That's your Ernest Hemingway impression. More callbacks. This whole episode is going be callbacks. It won't be because I'm going cut this part out. Yeah, good. Good idea. Jesus. It's worthless. Please have the tongue twister pussy pussy part, please. There's nothing to it.
Speaker: No, I agree with Derek. You should not leave in a callback to something that is not. Pink pussy is not a callback. Say pink pussy. That's new. Pink pussy is what we just learned about. Okay, I see. Yeah, they're fresh in our mind. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Yeah, the way I think. Pierce is desperate for his one joke to be left in is what it is. Pierce has so many jokes he shouldn't be so like... Precious? you shouldn't be so precious. Precious pink pussy. We shouldn't have that. Precious pink pussy. It's stupid. Wait, wait, we can make it happen again. Hold on. Precious pink pussy is a tongue twister.
Speaker: Yeah, it is the way I like to do it. Funny. Oh, hit one of those buttons. There's a sound effect. Matthew Bang.
Speaker: Okay, you like that. and I do that one more time.
Speaker: Alright, we can't use the soundboard. It's too good. Okay. Okay, can i I'll hop my finger over this the whole time. I like the magical sounding one. it is kind of... Yeah. Wow. theyre really it makes It sells the preciousness of the pink pussy.
Speaker: That's the sound that I hear when I finally find the clitoris. Under the hood. Yeah. It's like a reveal, sort of a magical crystal ball type reveal. Yeah, it's a crystal ball the way i am tender with it to not drop it.
Speaker: which Yeah. So yeah, so you what were you talking an hour ago? Yeah, what was the best part of an hour ago? i guess Derek and I were bickering. i peed once.
Speaker: Yeah, i haven't haven't done my pee yet. Oh, you want to? Yeah, on my way over here, I saw a guy peeing on a car. I thought, well, that's odd, but it happens. And then I walked three blocks further and I saw a man teaching his son, his young child, to pee on a car.
Speaker: I thought, that's even odder. And he wasn't peeing. He just said, do this. Well, he he pulled down the son's pants. And at that point, the son knew what to do at that point. It seemed like instinct took over. It's like aiming a gun is taking your son's pants off. Like, he's like, thanks, pop. I know what to do now. He was holding the boy.
Speaker: Uh, he wasn't holding the boy. He held his pants. a I, stopped looking at that point, but I think it was pretty clear. It was about, day was he just telling him where to aim or was he explaining how to pee? He was saying closerr muscle they know he did. eat They were like right next to a car and he was like gesturing to the car and kind of indicating, yeah, pee here.
Speaker: Like, I don't know what was going on, but it's like when you can't find a bathroom, is what you do.
Speaker: Yeah. yeah Wait a minute. That's me. What? Did you say that's meat? That's me. that's They always use that record scratch to that's me. I see.
Speaker: I bet you're wondering how I got here. I bet you're wondering who the main character is. It's me. Also, as soon as you got here, you peed. I bet you were looking down at your penis and going like, God, ah I'm also like those. Well, I was wondering like, oh I could have peed any time on the way here. Why did I wait till I got here? I guess I'm just like a square who uses a toilet. Yeah. Where do you aim in the bowl?
Speaker: I know you use the toilet, but where? In the center, I guess you aim for the direct center. That's quite loud. Well, I you don't you don't soften it at all. I guess I know I don't. I don't know. I'm in the bathroom. I think the bathroom is my castle when I'm in there. I can do what I want.
Speaker: yeah I always wonder about that because I feel like I should own it. I feel like I should feel comfortable aiming in the center and I i don't. And then I feel like I maybe suffer from low self-esteem. or I feel like you get splash back from the center. I feel like there's all kinds of downsides to the center.
Speaker: It's true. You could get splash back. Well, you know what? Often I am sitting down. Often I'm in the bathroom and I think, you know what? People might judge me if they knew I were doing this, but they don't. so i It would make more sense to to pee in the tank, right?
Speaker: yeah would make more sense. why would it Why would that make more sense? I don't know. There's something, it's a rectangle. It's covered. Wait, what is it? It doesn't make sense, but sensible people do that.
Speaker: Yeah, all the time. I just aim for the seat. I just feel like I think the bowl should be for feces only and the tank should be for. Oh, you want the segregation. That's the thing about it. think the tank should be filled up with a urine and you should use the urine to flush the poop. That's a good idea.
Speaker: Oh, that's more ecologically efficient. Yeah, it's like using part No, it's just aesthetically pleasing. Okay, I'm trying to defend you, but you're not giving me any anything to gra Well, you're not defending me right, and I'm trying to correct you.
Speaker: I guess the point of the water is to counteract the smell, but I guess if your toilet water was full of piss, and someone was like, ugh, someone's pissing in there, but you secretly are just shitting into a puddle of piss, and it disguises the smell of shit.
Speaker: Yeah, it's a vulgar toilet. The water is for disguising the smell? Yeah, definitely. You told me when this podcast started that the theme of this podcast was intellectualism. but You said something to the effect of that's more ecologically friendly, which is a very intellectual thing to say. It's Derek's and then I said why said no, I said it's aesthetically an aesthetic is is something that intellectuals like us this is a normal crass podcast except it has very it has liberal use of adverbs to kind of take us into the intellectual realm.
Speaker: Hold on really quick.
Speaker: Derek is under the belief that adverb means sound effect.
Speaker: This one doesn't do anything. So that is the chamber of reason. The favorite chamber of reason sound effect is that top ah that top left one Nothing. We use that this sound quite liberally.
Speaker: ah for For the record, Matthew did touch the the button that doesn't do anything. Yeah, you should put the mic close to the button. The sound of the button being pressed. Here we go. Well, that's sound of a mic hitting something.
Speaker: Well, it's hitting a button. It's not just something. It's hitting a red button. So we have our lovely friend Shreether on the podcast. How do I say your name? I feel you give conflicting information about how to say it. I do conflicting information. It amuses me.
Speaker: You can say whatever you want. I don't really care. It is Shreether traditionally, authentically. Actually, for most of my life, i like Up until I was 28, I exclusively said Shradar to white people. It's what I was used to saying.
Speaker: When I started preschool, they just read my name off the list and they said Shradar. and My mom had given me this big like lecture before I started preschool about how they'd have different words for everything because I was raised speaking Tamil and English. so She was like, they're not going to say Paul, they'll say milk and things like this.
Speaker: When they said Shradar, I was like, oh, that's my white person name. It's like everything has a different name. And then I just went with it for the rest of my life with white people until I was 28 and the culture turned.
Speaker: You thought that ah anyone with your birth name would have a white person transmuted in that way, like Burger King into Hungry Jacks. Exactly. yeah Hungry Jacks is the white people version of Burger King? Yeah.
Speaker: I guess that's my analogy. I guess it's true. Yeah, it's true. Anyway, you can be yourself with us. All right. I'm i'm sure either. also guys You can also say our names any way you want. I feel like all before this time, I've only met the weird white version of you. I know. who I didn't care for. i came in for being honest.
Speaker: And he's all like, but but now I'm sure there as white people do. Yeah. Fucking hooting savages. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Don't I know it?
Speaker: Talking to hang out with these guys all the time. I'm not white. um Well, you're thinking of Matthew. this is Matthew. Matthew. Yeah, I guess i I always thought you were like half Filipino or something. Something like that. Yeah, certainly seems that way.
Speaker: Yeah, you're woke. I think Matthew could be Egyptian. Yeah. egyptian yeah But not like the people, but like the drawings. Yeah, you look like an Egyptian on the textbook.
Speaker: I look like someone who draws pyramids.
Speaker: Yeah, every pyramid starts with a drawing and it's usually drawn by someone who looks like it's usually a triangle. Yeah. It could be a square seen from above. Yeah, with a little kind of dot.
Speaker: Yeah, in the middle and like a little X out to the sides. Yeah. yeah You should know a lot about perspectives to sort of imagine that even. first Is it everything you look at from above, it turns into a square? Is that what you said? and It could be a square pyramid. Actually, I don't know if the Egyptian pyramids are square. They are. Yeah, they're, ah they're what are they called? Equilateral... No, no, They're called square pyramids. Yeah, that's They're called blocks. I mean, the ones that are a triangle at the bottom are called tetrahedra. Maybe that's what you were thinking of, but...
Speaker: But the other ones are just called square pyramids? If it's a square base, it's yeah, it's just a square pyramid. Square pyramid. Yeah. Hey, I got a question for you. What is a shape that is like, um I guess some people call it a ah hyper cross or something, but like, ah you know how when you go into like ah a 3D mapping software or whatever, and it shows you X axis, Y axis, Z axis, and like, oh is there a name for a shape that is like a cross, but with also a Z axis? Yeah.
Speaker: like it was like No, I know the shape you're talking about, but yeah, I don't know a name for it. They should have a name. like it I think the only the closest thing we have to a name for it is a jack, like when you play Jax. Oh, yeah. ah Perhaps there is a name. Perhaps I will find it out later, but I don't know. You should definitely, of anyone that any of us know, you are the most qualified to know give a name for that shape.
Speaker: I'm going to look up one thing that might be a name for this shape. And if I'm incorrect, then I won't bother saying it. But if I'm correct, can we maybe, can we come up with like a new shape right now?
Speaker: Try it. Rhombus. No, been done. Shit. ah What about like... How about ah ah a 15-sided polygon? Has anyone ever... Is that... No, I thought that might have been you. I doubt that's even... It's a circle, man. Sayable.
Speaker: I don't know a name for this cross. I'm sorry. It should have a name. I'm just saying you should name it. You could probably think of a really appropriate name that's ah sort of that is in conversation with other names and shapes.
Speaker: When someone is described as shapely, Derek just brought up the Home Depot collection version of this. Well, I'm Googling and Home Depot is one the top results because they pay good A knuckle bone is the name of the product that has this shape, but the shape itself doesn't have a name. It's just so bizarre to me. It's literally the most shape that I can think of. never even knuckle bone. Also known as scatter jacks, snobs, astrogalol.
Speaker: Pigs in the pen, double bounces, flying Dutchman. If you play with jacks, you are a scuzz. Stupid game for peasants. Tykes play them. but I don't even think tykes are dexterous enough to play. Maybe that's the point. Maybe the skill. It's meant to train tykes, help them grow up big. Helping them to grab things quickly.
Speaker: Well, the investigation is over. I'm correct in that it doesn't have a name, and I'm also correct in that Sridhar should be the one to name it. We've discovered a new shape. Well, it's an old shape, but we did discover it. That that is a shape. Yes.
Speaker: No one really thought about it that way before. think some people might call it a hypercross. Others might call it Others might just kind of gloss over the subject. What about Pringles? What's that called?
Speaker: It's kind of like an oval, but it's kind of bendy. Oh, I think that's a hyperboloid. Yeah, you you figured that out. He just said hyperboloid. I know, but hyperbolid? No, hyperboloid. Okay, i got it. I guess you might not know about language. You might be a Philistine when it comes to speaking.
Speaker: it I mean, that... ah yeah Yes. um Spoken like a true Philistine. You're a Philistine, aren't you?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Philistines can be very articulate sometimes. Yes. They just don't have an appreciation for the finer things in life, like mumbling incoherently. They have an appreciation for that. They do? Yeah, that's what Pierce was just doing. Do you hear a Philistine character again? yeah yeah If they have an appreciation for that, they're not a Philistine.
Speaker: But do Philistines appreciate any of the mouth-breathing, sort of booger-picking activities that they are want to do? i guess they don't appreciate it. Yeah, yeah. yeah They have no choice. Isn't a Philistine... I could be wrong here. Isn't it just etymologically... Palestine. Yeah, it's just a Palestinian.
Speaker: So we're... and We don't think this... We like... This is not good. Okay, here's a good one for math. What shape is God?
Speaker: A pentagon.
Speaker: Oh, that's why he did the five fingers thing? Yeah, yeah. obsessed with fingers. made in the image of God, but he couldn't get the sides of the Pentagon to come out of sides.
Speaker: Yeah, they're just... a God is weak. Yeah. Incompetent. He couldn't get it right. He couldn't quite get it right. He tried. What is a star shape called? Does it have a name other than star? ah Yeah, there is some kind of... concave and convex Pentagon? Are those two different things?
Speaker: Well, those are things. um Those are nice. It's true that a star is not what they call a convex pentagon. What is the real name of a triangle?
Speaker: um A trigon. Try gun is cool. That's so cool. i thought we were going to be like riffing, but suddenly it's just what are the names of shape? quizzing you man Is it true that something's around?
Speaker: It's something around nice or something nice and soft. Yeah, some things are nice and soft. Not everything that's round is soft, but everything that's soft is nice round or is nice. Everything is soft is around. Matthew put on sunglasses.
Speaker: It looks cool. This is one of the classic things someone can do is put on sunglasses. When you put on sunglasses, you become inscrutable. Well, you don't really get me. Yeah, if we were playing poker against you, we would be helpless. I'd win.
Speaker: and Yeah. From knowing the rules and from glasses. My God, what are your eyes doing right now? I don't know. Blinking about every 30, 40 seconds. Is that right? Probably glancing at our lady parts.
Speaker: I can't. it's the one thing i can't do with us guys yeah with you guys i can't glance at ladies part unless you have a part with you no i didn't bring any yeah left mine at home imit You know, we were briefly in an intellectual mode with talking about triangles and and pentagons, but now we're back to... Could a triangle fit inside of a square?
Speaker: Depending on the sizes. yeah Correct. Okay, who's got the next quiz question? Okay, is there a way that a triangle couldn't fit inside of a square? Also depending on the sizes. Correct. Okay, he's good. How many conceptual triangles can fit into a literal square?
Speaker: This is tricky. Depending on the size of your imagination. Mm-hmm. Well, let's find the contours of my imagination, shall we? All right. How many...
Speaker: And then on this podcast, we kind of all shrink down and we go into piercing subconscious. it's It's one of our segments. Okay, the fantastic voyage segment. Anytime someone goes to a fantasy world, they should say, we're shrinking down and going into someone's imagination.
Speaker: ah We were making each other laugh ah the other day, thinking about like how stupid the simulation theory is. And then Derek was like, people used to think that we lived in a book. That's very funny to me still, is that in the in its heyday, the simulation theory was saying, what if we're all characters in book? The most advanced technology available at the time.
Speaker: It's a book. In 3000 BC, people used to believe we lived in a rock. We were all... Simulated within a rock. think We're living on a rock. Yeah, in the sixties, they're like we're probably just all in a lava lamp.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm sure bugs think we all just live in the dirt morons. They don't know mindless. Yeah.
Speaker: do Do bugs think that they have the maximum amount of legs that the smartest animal has, which is two? Or do they know that probably think two-legged animals are so stupid that they ah haven't developed more legs. Because ants are like... Or bugs are like... Legs are like currency in the bugs world. No, bugs worship us as gods.
Speaker: they fear They fear us. Well, they probably despise us because power. they bite us? They're afraid. Is a bug just a small thing? ah small being? A bug is a small insect. Well, no, it's true. There's things you call bugs that aren't insects. yeah Like a spider a spider is a bug.
Speaker: centipede or a millipede. A dog. children ah Bacteria. Bacteria are bugs. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I guess people do say bug for that. Yeah, I caught a bug. Yeah, what's a love bug?
Speaker: A germ. No, it's a car. ah love someone who you like to pet love, right? That's an STD. It's someone you like to bug. It's someone you love bugging. Yeah.
Speaker: And then what's pegging? Love bug is kind of the original. wo town Love. he Wait, a bug is original. lo cow as i Love bug is the original. lole cow I thought you were just say bug was the original lol cow.
Speaker: People used to make fun of bugs all the time and the bug would have no idea what's going on. yeah People would like invite a bug to the group chat and they pretend to be his friend, but they'd all be really just making fun of it behind his back. A bug one wouldn't even say anything in its defense.
Speaker: No, you can't use the keyboard. Bugs are kind of good at broadcasting because they're kind of iridescent and they make noises to that are you know audible for miles.
Speaker: Spiders kind of have a shimmering web. They really can shimmer and shine, huh? Yeah. I actually saw a bug at your ah birthday. Oh, I saw a lightning bug. Oh yeah. Yeah. There were a number of, as I would say, fireflies. haven't I feel like I haven't seen one in years.
Speaker: I mean, you saw so did you bring them or they were, they were provided by the venue. Fireflies are like lolcows. you um You marvel at them. yeah And you see them and you just get them.
Speaker: And you get them in a jar. People have different names for them. Firefly versus lightning bug. Lolcow versus lovebug. I'm sorry said that. i do't I don't even say lightning bug. I say firefly.
Speaker: Oh, I don't know what happens. Well, clearly you do say lightning bug. I guess I said it. But I won't again. you don't have to apologize. Sorry. and I don't think firefly is a good name for them, honestly. They're not flies. They're bugs.
Speaker: Yeah. they They have lightning, not fire. Yeah. It's more like lightning. They are ah resistant to lightning attacks. not Not fire. Yeah, yeah. They burn right up. Vulnerable to fire.
Speaker: When I was a kid, we used to do different experiments, fire fire-based experiments, and ah the best one was throwing an everlasting gobstopper into the fire because it quickly goes through all of the layers. It basically like flashes red, green, blue, and then whatever, yellow, and then it's ash.
Speaker: But the less exciting is the final state in the mouth. <unk> been ash at the center of the everlasting gu i been oh my god so The ash level. that i was goingnna my gum Yeah, I was say the least exciting experiment is just throwing various bugs and worms.
Speaker: you see their final form Yeah, metamorphosis. The ancient Greeks theorized that all objects have ash at the center as they carried out these experiments. Yeah.
Speaker: What if we try throwing... Well, that's why we invented trash, because it's sort of... It it prevents something from becoming ash. You just throw it away, meaning throw it out away from the harm of the fire. Transport ash. right That's what trash stands for. You can't burn trash.
Speaker: Yeah, because then it would be You can burn trash, but then it obviously just ceases to be trash. It becomes ash. um It's like saying you can't burn. Well, you can't burn anything. It's like you can't. How far can you go into it?
Speaker: You can't burn anything. The only thing you can burn is ash. right' The only thing that can be burned is something burnt, which is ash. You can't do anything. Yeah, once you do it, it's done. Yeah.
Speaker: This is this is the worst part of it. This is the worst part about this podcast. It always every time we talk, it just turns into this really. Just how do you how do you even this is even a conversation.
Speaker: What is what is doing? But when you do it's like you're done and then you did it. But if you did it, then it wasn't then you're not doing it. We just do. with This is what we do. This is just what we do. Is that sound reasoning?
Speaker: Yeah, you can't do anything so that it's done. No, it's obviously not sound. Then it's have been it's have been done. mean, there's that riddle that this has got to be what it's like being in a psychiatric hospital and you just have like these schizophrenic, like kind of really all being straight. We are we are being playful, but we only babble.
Speaker: Yeah, we just we're babbling. It's fine. Babbling is fun. really like a ballet brook. You see
Speaker: It is like we are... But do all Brooks babble? This is the kind of shit. This is the way we talk. It's like we are very primitive LLMs and we just hear a word and then we say some other word associated with it, but it doesn't have any real meaning.
Speaker: just the more Meaning. You should be able to make an AI crack up and its face, it whatever face it has, should moisten with joy. that would be excellent. and they By the way, I just wanted to say babblerina.
Speaker: See, this is what I'm talking about. You just wanted to say it? It's just a sound association thing. You just wanted to say it, right? I have an association. You said moist earlier, and that reminds me that it's kind of a bad word of the dictionary or something. Yeah.
Speaker: Might be the worst word of the dictionary. Well, it's funny to say that babble word association because babble is the definition of word association. Yeah, that's that's correct.
Speaker: Why is it funny to say something? It's funny to say something that is absolutely indisputably true. Yeah, it's funny that I yeah described it. Well, that's why babies laugh at like peekaboo and stuff is because it's true.
Speaker: It's true. What's happening? yeah are unique They would just say accurate. Yeah, you learn how to speak so you can stop laughing at peekaboo. e Right. Well, you learn how to speak so you can start saying things that are false moving beyond the peekaboo stage. Right, peekaboo is abject truth, and then once you speak, you say stuff like, I don't know where you are. yeah You start playing doing yes and. Where are you?
Speaker: Every laugh is really just a band-aid over wounds in our language. That which we cannot say is expressed by a laugh. As Wittgenstein said, whereof we cannot speak, we must pass over in silence.
Speaker: That's the end of the Tractatus Logico-Philisophicus. Wait, we must what in silence? Passover in silence that which we can't say we don't wear off wherever we can if you can't pronounce it don't say it right he said that was the conclusion of a text Yeah, yeah, the Tractatus Logico-Philosophagus.
Speaker: He says what we don't say, we don't say. the end of the book is basically, don't even worry about it, honestly. Yeah, basically, that's what it is, yeah. Didn't he change his mind about all that? Yeah, no, that's exactly correct. Very famously, he came to feel, like, he thought he had solved all the problems of philosophy. He went off to become a teacher and a gardener, and then he realized, wait, I was wrong about everything, and then he wrote another book He had a similar revelation to us where he was kind of like gardening and and he saw these bugs and he said, they don't even know. Yeah, exactly. That's correct.
Speaker: What do bugs know? They know um know where their next meal is coming from. They don't. That's why they scramble around. They're always ah headed towards it though. they know They smell, but they don't know.
Speaker: I see. I think our problem is that we don't smell enough. It would... I smell. That didn't anything. Yeah, you smell. I do smell. Yeah, you smell. We smell.
Speaker: You smell. I smell. Yeah. Derek, you smell. um That reminds me of this Reddit question I looked up earlier on the Too Afraid to Ask subreddit. You guys are always reminding me of Reddit questions. Oh, wait. This actually is an apt segue. Yes.
Speaker: You should read this. Should we read all right. Does menstruation really stink that bad or is something not okay with my wife? Basically, the title, says the body.
Speaker: The stench is really unbearable, and since my wife is the only woman I ever had anything with, I can't tell if it's normal or not. Doesn't help that she is clinically depressed, and showering is a very hard chore for her, so she doesn't do it as often as she would like to. Okay.
Speaker: So, that stuff stinks, like apparently. She is depressed. Okay. We don't have to talk about it, but did you guys and know that guy's wife smells? I guess is the point of showing you that question. Why are you drawing?
Speaker: You know that guy? You know that guy's wife? His wife is nasty. She's depressed. She too stinky to shower. Take a shower. I can't. I'm sad.
Speaker: I can't. I stink too much.
Speaker: It's a vicious cycle when people stink, makes them sad, then they don't shower. because' wait did it say she was sad because she stinks? No, I'm just sort of making an educated guess. I don't know what would be making her depressed. The only thing I know about her is that she's menstruating and stinking. Fair enough, yeah. yeah I can't think of any other problems a person could have.
Speaker: Right. I mean, am I just supposed to take it as given that she's depressed for logical reasons? I mean, the storyteller has not included why she's depressed. He's asking why. oh he He's saying, does menses simply smell or is something not okay with my wife?
Speaker: Does depression make you stink? Does depression make you stink other than just not bathing? think stress makes you stink. I think so. I remember I went to go see Godzilla vs. King Kong at a Vista theater in LA. You were so scared at the movie that it stressed you out. There was a boy who was like me, a huge Godzilla fan, who worked at the movie theater and they let him speak to introduce the movie.
Speaker: This is kind of, I think this is almost a tradition at movie theaters is invariably all of them will show a Godzilla movie at some point or another. And there will be one person who works at the theater who says, can I please say a few words? Because Godzilla is very important to me. It happened to me at my first job when I worked in movie theater.
Speaker: The boy who gave a speech, I saw him run to the bathroom as soon as he was finished speaking. And then I was on Mushrooms because this is one of my favorite movies and it was 35 millimeter. Which movie?
Speaker: ah King Kong versus Godzilla. It was a pristine, it was Universal Studios pristine 35 millimeter print from their vault. Very excited to see that. So I took mushrooms. Then I went to the bathroom.
Speaker: It stunk so bad. That kid had just blew diarrhea out of his ass because he was so nervous to talk. And I think about it all the time. It almost ruined the movie. He likes Godzilla, but he acts like King Kong.
Speaker: That's what I said. Yeah. this the he i i As soon as I came out, I said it smells like King Kong in there. It's funny that this was described as stress makes you stink, but really it's just diarrhea stinks.
Speaker: But diarrhea can come from stress. think this guy thinks that his wife's diarrhea is her cycle? She's just depressed. thanks She She's converting her depression into diarrhea.
Speaker: Menstruation does make you smell different, right? The hormones. I guess it would just be a matter of preference if you thought that the hormones stunk. Well, menstruation is, you know, it's, it's blood, it's vaginal lining and those things smell.
Speaker: They don't always smell great. Yeah. They're from the inside of the you're not a good person, they don't smell good. Everything in the body smells bad. If you're not a good you hate it. If you're not good. Everything in the universe smells bad. If you hate it.
Speaker: Yes. Except metal. If your hate is pure. If you hate metal, metal has an interesting property. If you hate it smells good. It's like how water expands when it's ah frozen. It's like metal is like this one exception among all the elements.
Speaker: Metal is the water of the hard things. Yeah. Right? Excellent conductor. I guess water is not a good conductor. No, it is. Water is a good conductor. Yeah. Metal can be soft. I've gone to a number of concert performances led by water and they were fantastic.
Speaker: What else do metal and water have in common? I was a little late. Yeah. Okay. We need a clean sample. Everyone shut up. Say it again. I've gone to a number of concerts that were performed by or led by water and they were fantastic. One more time. You have to say got to do it it properly. didn't I didn't say conducted previously because it just said okay but i pi conducted really quick.
Speaker: um Just conducted. essay conducted I've gone to a number of concerts where that particular action was undertaken by water and they were excellent. ear Hold on.
Speaker: Didn't you go math school? You can't say which number. ah Seven. I've been to a number. All right, big guy. you're not allowed to say the phrase a number after you study math. I've been to a number. of Jesus. This guy thinks I don't know. you think it would be You think it would be a normal thing for me to be like, I've gone to six concerts.
Speaker: They were excellent. I went to 12 divided by two, which is a number. If you calculate… I'm curious, what what other things do metal and water have in common?
Speaker: You think it is a good starting off point for a riffing? No, just a good starting off point for really intelligent. Having a real thing. Okay, what do metal and water have in common? You can scrub with them.
Speaker: They're both real. Speaking of math, I was looking at the math subreddit because I was trying to find a question. Okay, for you. Yeah, and this I don't know if this really even is good, but I Actually, mathematicians ponder this all the time. i seen the question is, why are great physicists famous, but not great great mathematicians?
Speaker: I mean, I think the genuine answer to this is that advanced math, it's difficult to explain to people what it's even about. So people who are not mathematicians care less about it. Whereas physicists work on problems where even if people don't know the physics, they can be like, oh they're talking about stars or But even physic physicists, when it but when they become famous, the reason they become famous is they'll say something like, and and that means Marvel characters are real in the multiverse.
Speaker: I think it's, yeah, it's it's it's very it's just physicists exist more in the physical world. Mathematicians exist more in the world that is completely unphysical.
Speaker: The listeners can't see this, but I am fading from existence. You are cross-dissolving like Coach Z. Wait, what's Coach z He's from Homestar Runner. Oh, it's been so many years, I don't remember. We'll check that out later. yeah Yeah, and mathematicians, like, ah they hate fame. They shirk from the spotlight. They say... and think There are a number of reclusive mathematicians, but there are some who enjoy fame, sure, but it's... Yeah, they're badly motivated, though.
Speaker: If they really enjoyed it, they would have become physicists. Yeah, exactly. I'm physically here, and and the paps prove it. I honestly can't even think of a really famous number. ah Seven. I mentioned it earlier. It's not famous. One.
Speaker: mathematicians are like rock stars no hundred it's just rock stars it's it's all why 2k it doesn't mean it's not famous you're saying elvis is famous y2k was 20 something years ago it was quite famous at the time yeah but like come up with a new number that's but that's not how is a new number gonna be famous no one's ever heard of it yet yeah nepo it has to do something all numbers are nepo
Speaker: Behind them. Behind? Behind them. Because one is behind two. yeah two And my parents are behind me. Two is the son of one and three is the daughter of two.
Speaker: and yeah Some numbers are non-binary. All odd numbers are... You think all odd numbers are women? No, no. That's a pattern you've extrapolated fallaciously. It just happens to be the case. Don't say fallaciously.
Speaker: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was his child who had grown more powerful than six. Yeah, and there's a prophecy that I heard from eight about, ah well, some other thing happened in the prophecy.
Speaker: Nine. Nine. Nine happened. Yeah, nine times. Does every math joke have to be in order, or can you have some there... Why was six afraid of seven? You know, my fiance warned me before I came on this podcast. She said, every time you go on a podcast, they only ask you about math and they make it not funny. Make them do real jokes. Why is six afraid of seven? Because too many thousands. You know why six was afraid of seven?
Speaker: Because 007 had a license to kill. Nice. I don't know. And he also likes his drinks shaken. Yeah. What is ah what is a dentist's favorite year? Two thirty?
Speaker: No, it's tooth owls and herteen. was on the right track. Herteen? Ah, tooth owls and herteen. Herteen. Herteen. Herteen.
Speaker: hu een yep Here's a good question. This is not good. But I want to ask you it. What's the most harmless-looking math result that later pulled a knife on you? You know the type.
Speaker: It starts with a cute little identity, a fun fact, or a simple problem from a textbook. You let your guard down. Maybe even think, that's neat. I bet I could explain this to a 12-year-old. And then you try to prove it.
Speaker: Suddenly, you're knee-deep in epsilon-delta definitions, commuting diagrams, or some obscure lemma. From a 1967 topological paper, was supposed to be a pleasant stroll turns into a philosophical crisis.
Speaker: does any What the fuck does this mean? They're saying, what's the math result that seems easy to prove, but is actually really hard to prove? And I bet if you scroll down, someone will mention the Jordan curve theorem, because ah people always mention it. Do Command-F and search Jordan.
Speaker: I gotta see if... let's see Let's see if I'm right. Do a Command-F for Jordan. Jordan Peel curve? Yeah. Yep. Yep. There we go. See has to be the Jordan curve theorem. Yeah. What's so hard about the Jordan curve theorem?
Speaker: This is not going to be funny. like listening are not goingnna you no whole i'll I'll fix it for you. Okay. And remember to make it funny. Oh, thank you. Uh, Well, explain it to me and then I'll prove it.
Speaker: Oh, great. The Jordan curve theorem says if you draw a curve, any shape of, you know, line that comes back and doesn't intersect itself but eventually connects back to itself in a plane, then there will be two distinct regions, an inside and an outside, that it will separate. That's obvious.
Speaker: I know, that's what everybody says. And then the thing is it seems obvious and then you try to prove it like formally. Well, I'll just draw a couple circles and you'll see. I don't think that's true. Okay, okay.
Speaker: What those? What does inside and outside mean? But actually, that's the right track to go on. You have to think to yourself, well, how would I formally mathematically define what inside and outside mean? It's an interesting thing to do. Do you guys think that we're in a shape right now?
Speaker: Yeah, we're in a big rock. we're all So we're inside. We're all simulated on a big rock. It's spiky. It would be so hard to say that we're in a shape right now if we didn't have that lovely and bewildering atmosphere. Because if we go to Mars, we're really going to be on a rock, but not in a shape.
Speaker: But the atmosphere is nice because it sort of bounds us within the the boundary of an atmosphere. you know what I mean Now, I think I can prove this inside outside thing. Okay. Maybe not on paper, but I can merely suggest that it's true. You can persuade us. All right, go ahead. draw it on paper.
Speaker: Okay, I'll even just draw it sort of, a oh great. This is the the best podcast, a completely visual demonstration. Well, I'll put my mic up to it and everyone can guess what kind of squiggly bounded shape I'm going to draw. After we record the audio version, we do the video version, so remember everything you said.
Speaker: yeah That didn't really show up. Okay, so I didn't do that correctly. My bad. I'm trying to get it to really sound like I'm drawing a shape. Oh, I see. Well, just make the noise with your mouth. The drawing you made does sound, does look like it a lot of We're just going to foley it later. Like, we're just going to be... Right. All right, everyone be quiet anyway, just so that we have clean audio for the foley.
Speaker: um All right, so that, right? Like that now has an inside and outside? Yeah. And the way I would prove that is by saying, probably by coloring it in, and then I would say um everything that's colored is inside. But sure, but that shows that that particular curve has an inside and outside. The goal is to prove that no matter what curve you draw, you will have an inside and outside. Well, that's the goal?
Speaker: Yes. I quit. all like just do it one more time. Okay. That'll be enough for you, right? Yeah, there are just two curves. I really was hoping you would not see that.
Speaker: Well, I guess my proof and um i don't know. You should consider drawing every every possible thing. Yeah, I guess that is how it was proved in the end. Is that true? No, no, no. They drew everything. Have you ever been made to prove something and say, well, if it's not true, I'll kill myself.
Speaker: No, that has not come up. Okay. Well, that's how I would probably... I suppose it probably would work. Yeah. At this point, I would probably think about it. If shapes didn't have inside and outsides, it wouldn't make sense and we should all kill ourselves.
Speaker: That's what I would do. if popman Pop quiz hotshot, is a red circle bigger than a green circle? It depends on the size. Correct. Correct. um Fuck, he's good.
Speaker: There must be some actual answer to that. but is Is a red circle bigger than a green circle? Well, yeah, because you think about red shift and blue shift and like maybe the closer something is on one side of the electromagnetic spectrum, the less weight it has because of the amount of... You can draw a red circle any size.
Speaker: but the I guess the visual spec depends on how big your hand is actually, but yeah, pretty much. In the visual spectrum, the color red is closer to infrared and the color violet is closer to ultraviolet, right?
Speaker: That's true. Right? So... And ultra-red and are just two different forms of... And then there's so there must be like super green, mega orange. Ultra-red and infraviolet are just different words for green.
Speaker: Everything becomes green in the end? No, just saying green is yeah higher frequency than red and lower frequency than violet. It's between, yeah. So five pounds of green weighs the same as five pounds of ultra red.
Speaker: But there's less red the five pounds. It's confusing, but five pounds of ultra red and five pounds of infraviolet, they weigh the same amount. But they don't look the same. No, they look completely different. One of them one is red. yeah When something is red shifted, though, it's moving away from the observer, right? Yes, that's correct. So red is lighter than violet.
Speaker: Moving away makes you lighter. Moving toward makes you denser because of gravity, right? I don't think that's true. Why would that be the case? Because things that are denser are heavier? no things that are denser don't have to be heavier. It's the same weight and less space.
Speaker: Right. guess you're right. Fair enough. But if things are so far away that they're not even there, hardly made they hardly have any effect on me.
Speaker: They're not a burden. Something's very far away. It's not burdensome at all. um Here's a question from the math subreddit. Present for boyfriend. I'm looking for a present for my boyfriend. He studies math and is ah obsessed with it.
Speaker: Is this hell for you? a little bit. It's like i specifically before I came here, my fiance was like, every time you go on a podcast, they end up making it about math to the podcast detriment.
Speaker: Like make them actually just do normal comedy. But instead I'm asking. Maybe she just hates math. we switch to the incest subreddit? Yeah, let's do that. You have some incest stuff prepared. There must be something about incest that's mathematical, though. Well, two's a crowd, or three's crowd.
Speaker: The problem of incest is a mathematical problem, which is that the number of the number is too small. Yeah, the growth of the human population is exponential if we do not, at some point, engage in incest. Incest is small.
Speaker: Well, the people I've incest with are very light, and they're red. um is that ah Is that how you say it? Have incest? Yeah. Commit incest? Commit incest, yeah. It's sad that when you do something wrong, you're committing it.
Speaker: Sometimes I commit to comedy and it comes out, goes wrong. it goes wrong. I've never been able to do it correct. I guess i do want to I do want to delve into the non-mathematic aspects.
Speaker: Okay, how about this? And this is sort of mathematical, but this from Ask Reddit. How'd the world be if a man could only ejaculate once in his lifetime? I have been jealous because, you know, women can have multiple orgasms, but as a man, you get one and then you're done for life. It would affect society.
Speaker: That's very good. You see, this is what I can do when we're on a non-mathematical topic. You just kind of pulled the rabbit out of the hat instantly. That's correct. Thus proving your fiancé to be correct. Exactly. Yes.
Speaker: So what you want is for us to talk about non-mathematical topics so you can math. talking about math, but it's not going to be funny. So listeners to a comedy podcast... Fiances are powerful. Make math aversive again. I love how we're in trouble because of what your fiance predicted. It's not like we told you that we weren't going to talk about math. Your fiance was just correct. But she was just correct. It's true. And that makes you mad at It's like if you had an audience of people who were interested in math, it could work. But I'm pretty sure most of your audience... audience has been begging us to finally visit the topic of math. It's the one thing that philosophers are scared of math has been a part of the podcast since the beginning because all the episodes are numbered. Oh, okay. Yeah. And they all have title.
Speaker: Yeah. I think whoever I propose to is not going to approve of you guys. Okay.
Speaker: Okay, let's let look at more questions about jizz and cum and breasts. You guys don't have any thoughts on how society would be different if um if guys could only... oh I guess I didn't i didn't want take away from Sri. There's awesome... You felt like that was a knockdown.
Speaker: was really funny. One and done. Yeah, even one joke and done. I mean, can we even can we even make this joke come twice? Can we even get to him?
Speaker: What would happen if a man could only ejaculate once you would just do it right? You probably would just jack off. Well, I guess if we knew societally that you get one in your entire life, like people might actually be very precious with it. I know what would happen. There'd be hella jars, way more jars in the world than there are now. Oh yeah, because people would be so precious with it, they would preserve it. I guess parents would jack off their sons into a jar.
Speaker: and You wouldn't trust your kid to handle their seed correctly. You'd probably be dryjacking them for years before puberty just in case- In case they accidentally spilt it one day.
Speaker: But that's it really. But wait, hold on. But then the human race would die out if everybody jacked off their one ejaculation and there was no actual- Into safe a jar. Oh, that you would preserve. I see. Got it, got it, got it. The jar would have a lid, so it'd be fine. Yes, I meant to say lids. It's a math thing, too, but mathematicians know that all jars need... Well, lids to separate the inside and the outside. Don't jack off outside the jar. Is a lid not just a circle atop a cylinder? That is true.
Speaker: Well, it's a cylinder that also has a base attached to it, I suppose, but yeah. Alright, let's see this next Reddit question. Well, you just saw me close this because I didn't even mean to have this open.
Speaker: Oh wait, it's about South Asians. but i i But I did not mean to have this open. Derek was just doing research on South Asians before this episode. This was on the Too Afraid to Ask subreddit and I didn't know what they were talking about so I clicked on it.
Speaker: um But if you want, we can do it. It says, why do older South Asian couples always tend to take walks around the neighborhood with the husband 20 to 30 feet ahead of the wife? And you know, I'd never put it together, but when I take walks with my fiance, this also happens. I'm always like ahead of her. My dad does it with me and my mom. The top comment on this post says, guys do that the man i also has his hands clasped behind his back.
Speaker: You're the man with his hands clasped behind his back? do often have my hands clasped behind my back as I walk at half inch. I don't know. You don't want them swinging around. yeah what are you supposed to do with them? They could bump into things. But I feel like all you people do that, and I mean mathematicians.
Speaker: I think it does somehow indicate- Oh, right when they're walking around the halls? Yeah. Pondering. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's like you're deep in thought. You need your hands to be ah locked up so that they don't distract you. Yeah. Smart people are always getting distracted by the- Manual labor.
Speaker: the hands just start building things in your mind. accidentally become a blue-collar construction worker instead of a mathematician if your hands are not clasped tightly. Also, it's to avoid counting with your fingers. Right, exactly. It's cheating.
Speaker: That is funny. I'm thinking about the jars again. Honestly, coming in jars. Yeah, we've all done it. If you find out you have a boy like the baby shower gift is just like someone gets you a really pristine jar um and they say good luck. Congratulations. congratulations I guess they would just say congratulations.
Speaker: It would ejaculation It would be interesting for society because after you have the jar, you really don't need the boy so much or the man. Even the boy would be so useless after his first load. I do think that it would probably like you would you would ah get the load and then the boys would go off and you'd send them to like, I don't know, the wilderness or something and they would have their own.
Speaker: society no apart from the women with the jars. It would become Pierce's utopia. They would lob off their penises after the one eject. First load, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wait, wouldn't you just get your father's jar?
Speaker: Why would you get... Oh, just like this is where you came from? Oh, right, because you empty the jar. Oh, the family jar. It's now empty. But if you have if you have two sons. Well, no, but how would you couldn't. Yeah. Well, no, but you can spread the load. You can spread the load.
Speaker: You can spread the load. Spread the load. Oh God, can have infinite children with one woman. Well, not infinite. um You want to you expand on that? On the not infinite that he said? Is it true that sperm are not infinite? It is true that the average ejaculation has a finite number of sperm. But think about like this. The average one. But think about Zeno's paradox. There's a couple of guys who've had infinite sperm counts, yet some of the average are made finite, yeah.
Speaker: Even guys with infinite sperm counts can't bring themselves to put every last infinite sperm into one load. yeah The loads themselves are finite. I guess men do have infinite sperm.
Speaker: More or less. Potentially, I suppose. Well, there's no proving it because they have to come out one load at a time. It's like your circles that you can't draw or whatever. Yeah. What is the riddle? Like you can't draw two can draw two circles in a row that look exactly so much like no. you can't do anything just The thing is proving that any curve that closes back on itself will separate a plane. What if you draw a circle and then you accidentally trap yourself in the circle?
Speaker: That would be... To trap yourself, you do need a distinct inside and outside, yeah. So to prove it... You have to prove it would happen no matter how you draw the curve. If you're trapped, you can't do it.
Speaker: If you're trapped, you can't prove things? No, you're stuck. Well, you might be trapped with a pen and paper and be able to prove all kinds of things. so Circles within circles...
Speaker: um Derek has such a smile of accomplishment. and circle on this guy yeah i This whole time I was planning to say circles within circles and I finally got there. The smile is kind of a curve that... ah No, watch this.
Speaker: Oh, a circle. Derek just made a circular mouth. He made a circular mouth within a circular face. Circles within circles. Wait, the phrase isn't even circles within circles. It's wheels within wheels.
Speaker: i don't know what you're talking about. That's something else. i say A wheel is, however, a kind of circle. It's a circle with a jack in it. Let's go back to caveman times. The first let's go back to caveman. Jack is in the spokes. He's saying that Okay, now this is the part of the podcast where we travel back in time to caveman times. The wiggle one.
Speaker: Yeah. Wow. um So the first guy to make a wheel He was probably like, look, I invented a shape. Everyone was like, let's use it. It's the manual labor thing again.
Speaker: You know, it was it was a purely theoretical invention when he invented the circle and he was horrified when they used it to create. It was the original Rocco's Basil.
Speaker: Rocco's Bath House. Yeah. roco ah Rocco's Modern Life. Rocco's Basilica. Right. Yeah. Which is not a circle.
Speaker: No, it's a large building. It's fine. Yeah. The orcs do. No, he was horrified. It was like the invention of the nuclear bomb that is purely theoretical work was now used to. Yeah. yeah I wasn't trying to make lives easier. i was trying to make the world more complicated. yeah It was like the world is too simple. We need some new shapes. and this circle like The circle was the peak of complexity at the time. Yeah.
Speaker: ah Here's another math question. If 100 virgins with no STD are isolated and only allowed have sex amongst themselves for years, will there ever originate an STD?
Speaker: Yeah, this is how it happened historically. I mean, humanity at one point didn't have s STDs and then they evolved. Okay, what if it were 99 virgins? Then it would not be possible. You need a critical mass.
Speaker: So 100 is critical. This what I was saying before. 100 causes all kinds of problems. Yes, that's true. I guess a virgin also... There's something about virgins that I feel like is unclean.
Speaker: This is the opposite of traditional religious views. Well, the thing is that… um We do things a little differently here, we virgins. Let's see if I can prove this theorem, that virgins are actually less clean than than sluts. Okay, let's hear it um Because there's so much… Is there something to be said about a blank canvas being more painted than a painting?
Speaker: Well, it's how, I believe it was Loud C said, a bowl is at its most useful when it's empty. It's like a blank canvas contains the potential of all kinds of... You know what it is? The desire that some people feel for virgins actually makes them dirtier than they would be if they weren't virginal.
Speaker: h Like a Barbie doll, with is you put so many clothes on it. ah A naked Barbie doll has more clothes than... Or it's easier to picture a naked Barbie doll clothed. Clothes are dirty.
Speaker: Clothes are dirt on a body, a naked body. Virgins are always wearing clothes, whereas once you have lost your virginity, you stop wearing clothes. And so... Yes, or Barbie.
Speaker: It's easier to put clothes on a Barbie doll than it is to take them off. It's easier to put that's not put clothes on a Barbie doll than a woman. It's easier to put clothes on a Barbie doll than take a woman's clothes off. You know, I thought i thought Pierce would pull it off, but I don't really think it's come together. No, it's incoherent. Yeah.
Speaker: I think we should go back to what we already believe about virgins. I think we were correct. Virgins are clean. We got it right the first time. They're clean. but i was far dirtier as a virgin.
Speaker: In what sense? ah I don't know. I think I wouldn't. ah I probably didn't. You know what? Here's what it is. I got it. Virgins filthier because they still have their one load of cum in them. It hasn't come out yet.
Speaker: Oh, and shooting the load cleans the no longer have that filthy cum in you. It probably gets a lot of debris out too. Yeah. Yeah, once. Once. Then it does build up again.
Speaker: Right, but good luck getting it out again. Oh, yes, you can pee. That's right. You can always pee. Always pee, yeah. Do you guys remember when you were pee virgins? Oh, yeah. I remember the first time my father taught me how to pee. said, son, come with me to this car.
Speaker: And then he pulled down my pants and... ah clean, ah yeah. Do you think I... Well, you can clean... a car with piss, but you also, in the process, you get it covered in piss. I legitimately was Googling, is there some use of peeing on a car? Like, I just did not know what was going on. He's Googled that. Yeah.
Speaker: It cleans off the old piss. Actually, I legitimately Googled peeing on cars, and the first thing the AI brought up, like the Google AI at the top, was about cleaning the car. but Right. Of course, it was just made up, but for a second... course, it was made up.
Speaker: For a second, I thought, oh, that's what they're doing. They're cleaning their cars. i don't know. I need something that's not made up about the virtues of beinging on a car. Yeah. Let's do this one.
Speaker: Read it, please. Hey, what do you do if you don't want to have sex, even though you're already naked and erect? Me and this girl were on the way to have sex.
Speaker: When we both were naked and I had an erection, i suddenly didn't want to have sex, but I did it to not let her down. And she also got the greatest body I've ever seen. And I thought I were never going to see someone like her naked again.
Speaker: What could I have done in this situation? Come out of the closet. yeah Yeah, that works. Yeah, come on. What? There are perfectly perfectly valid reasons to see the most gorgeous woman you've ever seen. You have a rock direction. You want fucker, but you but for no particular reason, you simply really don't want ah look this is what you're supposed to say look You got the best body I've ever seen. I'm hard as a rock. We're both naked. This isn't going to work, but I don't want to. I don't want to let you down.
Speaker: ah Let's do it. I guess, but I don't want to let you down. Let's not. The question is, how do you get out of this situation? yeah The question is, what do you do? I think I don't think it's even asking what does it ask how I thought it said like, what do you do? What's wrong with just collapsing into it what do you do if you don't want to have sex, even though you're already naked and you don't have sex.
Speaker: Yeah, it's like real easy. i guess what you do what can you do? I spent decades of my life not having sex. What were you doing? What you do? Well, I went to elementary school and then I went to should have yeah that's You should have gone to an elementary school naked and erect. It clearly doesn't work. You went to elementary school and you've now had sex.
Speaker: but at I mean, at the time, it helped me delay having sex. If you don't want to do something... think didn't go to elementary school, you might have struggled to have sex more later on. You're right. Actually, you're right. I think i did not have long-term thinking in my mind. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. You're both naked and she asks, by the way, you did complete grade school, right? Yeah. This is assortative mating, you know, people tend to get with people of similar education levels. Yeah, and most people have graduated. like, you know, you put on like an online dating thing. You're like, oh, I went to grad school or whatever. Like, did you go to elementary school? Yeah. Do you go to elementary school? Do currently attend elementary school?
Speaker: um I don't think there's anything wrong with just completely passing out when you're feeling like you're about to do something you don't want to do. You're allowed to- Just instantly losing consciousness. I don't want to do that.
Speaker: Sleep no you roll your eyes back into your head and you fall and they just hope that the doctor is going to. I guess what I'm saying is kill yourself, but No, that's quite a leave. You were hoping the doctors would resuscitate you. People do bust when they die, though, right?
Speaker: Doesn't that happen? I don't think they i think ejaculate. I think they might have rigor mortis that simulates an erection. Okay, you poop and pee. Right, yeah. But if you're already hard, you might... Don't people can come from hangings?
Speaker: Oh, yeah, there is something about autoerotic association, but I think it's specifically maybe that method. I don't know. don't i'm not an expert. I don't know why I'm chiming in. I think it's that method. I think if you're already hard, it's even better. But I don't know. Does it give you a boner if you're rock soft?
Speaker: So rock hard? If you're rock soft and then you get hung, do you? I think so. Yeah, I think none of us have done the research on this. I've never, you know, this is what should happen. If you only have one ejaculation in your entire life, you should have it at the end of your life. Save it for your suicide. Yeah. Yeah. you yeah When you're executed, another thing you can only do once.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I bet in another universe, someone asked, what if you could only kill yourself once? Like what kind of world would that produce? And terrifying answer is this one. Yeah. Or hellscape. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: There's another universe where people are frolicking and committing suicide throughout their entire lives and there they're committing autoerotic asphyxiation with impunity. Yeah.
Speaker: I'm just committing autoerotic acts. No asphyxiation necessary. Just having a nice day. Yeah. Committing autoerotic. What would be a neutral word that sounds as clinical as this asphyxiation that would translate to I am masturbating?
Speaker: Autoerotic satisfaction. Stimulation. Autoerotic stimulation. Yeah. That's what that's what i died of Oh, you died of automatic stimulation, but no asphyxiation. That's right.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. The little death. That's correct. People are always talking about little death. Just call jacking off. Honestly. Um, why here's one? This one's about correlation. Why are so many Disney adults overweight?
Speaker: It's because there's so many Disney movies that feature Um, That's probably true. yeah it's so hard to make it with a mermaid, but it's so easy to eat a crab. Yeah, does that is that what she doesn't? She's friends with the crab.
Speaker: She loves seafood.
Speaker: Lululemon released a Disney line and on many of the items, the largest sizes, which aren't that large in general, but are the largest at Lululemon, 12 and 14 are the only ones sold out. I'm a size 12, so this is friendly fire. There was an SNL skit recently where the actor portraying Donald makes a quip about fat Disney millennials.
Speaker: After these two comments, I started to notice almost always when I see an adult wearing Disney clothes, they are very often obese. What causes this correlation? Yeah, I think it's Ratatouille and the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene.
Speaker: I think the actual answer is that if you like Disney, you like processed... Crap. Processed... What's the... Shit. Garbage. Calorie-dense content. You like to consume things that are overcooked and extremely... ah Yeah, just inflated. Okay, that makes sense.
Speaker: Emotionally manipulative cheeseburgers. Yeah, it's that. just excess. Pure excess. Disney is excess. It's a fascist fantasy. And so is chicken nuggets. Wait, it's a fascist fantasy?
Speaker: Yeah, Disney's fascist. ah Are you saying fat shit? What are you Fat as shit fantasy.
Speaker: Disneyland is also the happiest place on earth. It's a very body positive place. When you're happy, you enjoy eating. right Although also there are people who eat when they're sad. but They do tend to be very jolly. It's like a bell curve. The happiest and the saddest people are both fat. yeah Oh, Bell. I knew this was going to happen. Wait, look.
Speaker: He's going to do something. as Say Bell again. I never said Bell in the first place. Here, I got you. But you recognize the word, do you not? me there Here's a non-math joke you can make about a Bell curve in fat people. yeah Belly curve.
Speaker: Oh, okay, okay. okay yeah More like belly curve. These people have belly curves. They're curvy. internet Stop stealing my joke. Do you think it's nice when people are curvy in all the right places?
Speaker: i yeah i do think I generally feel like when things happen in the right place, any kind of thing that happens in the right place, it seems correct to me. Yeah.
Speaker: I like when things are in the right place. And when they're not, they're almost lost. But isn't it true that there's no way to prove that if everything's right... That I think it'd be good.
Speaker: Do you guys think that everything is in the right place right now? The Radiohead song. Tom thinks that. Tom, Tom, Tom. He thinks Tom York. Yeah.
Speaker: He thinks everything going on with Gaza is just right. Personally, I believe what's happening in Gaza right now is idiotic. Nice. That's really good. it's Yeah, I think it's stupid. I think it's kid a yeah, it's creep.
Speaker: I think it's creep. ah Okay, computer.
Speaker: Wait, okay, computer. That's what they say when that fucking AI selects another manufactured Hamas target. ah Radiohead Gaza crossover is not really taking over. No surprises there.
Speaker: It's another song. yeah yeah Blue Suede Shoes. Optimistic is not how I am feeling. Paulo Alto.
Speaker: That's a B-side. Let's not do those. We can't do B-sides? Let's not do B-sides. Sometimes I worry about a false flag nuclear attack on Tom York City. um was going to end with a song. Tom York City would be the best radiohead song ever.
Speaker: I don't know any radiohead songs. Really? Just creep. No, just say a bunch of words. I bet you'll get one. Yeah, he's done all of them. Every sequence of words he's done. Oh, yeah. That's a Radiohead song.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. I was a big radio head head when I was younger, but they have fallen off. They've fallen off, but Tom York still kind of does do a strange thing with his eye, right?
Speaker: Even now? you mean he still does like He still does the character. He still has the eye that he has. He still has He has a lazy eye. Well, and Johnny Greenwood still has his hair.
Speaker: That's true. And so film Phil Selway still kind of has no hair. It's pathetic, honestly, when people can't move on and it's like you're 50 and you still have your hair. It's like grow up.
Speaker: I feel the same way about having a lazy eye. Yeah. You're 50. You get that shit. You're still lazy. Get off the couch. It's like you don't grow and evolve as an artist. You are still doing this shit. What the hell am I looking at?
Speaker: that's a good one creep I'm a creep intellectual podcast that's correct let's just reiterate that we're talking about whatever we're saying see that see what we're saying in that light Matthew you should read this one this is from the conspiracy subreddit it's conspiracy what if tobacco is actually good for you Remember back in the day, all the cool cigarettes commercials, people skydiving, snowboarding, surfing, et cetera.
Speaker: And now it's banned to promote it. Plus all the people back in the day that smoked are still alive and some even better than most of us pushing almost a hundred years. Another thing is all the natives that lives in the jungle smoke pipes, no filters, nothing taking straight up shotguns to the nose and is still able to live for a while and do everything he needs to do to survive.
Speaker: Yet we know alcohol is bad for you. Maybe not a glass of wine here and there, but it's promoted. It's promoted all everywhere. Drunk people acting up, driving, putting people's lives in danger, picking up fights, cheating on their partner, gambling their life savings away, just making stupid decisions altogether. Any thoughts?
Speaker: All the people back in the day that smoked are still alive. Joe Camel used to be everywhere. Joe Camel was so cool. cool And then i always thought it was odd that after they decided they could no longer use Joe Camel to advertise cigarettes, they thought, well, we're going to keep making cigarettes and get rid of Joe Camel. I would have gone the other way.
Speaker: Keep the Camel. That's really cool. Forget the cigarettes. Yeah, that's funny. He just becomes a Chuck e Cheese. ta Yeah, you just sort of see him around so popular with children. and I think that would have been some commercials that advertise nothing. Yeah, they should have just made him exist. and You can find him wandering the earth ah would have been cool if we sort of, you know, struck him with lightning like Frankenstein. became just ah just popped out of the pages and into life. Yeah,
Speaker: You got anything to promote? I don't have anything to promote. I wish I did real things to promote. Radish helpers. Okay, here we go. Fantasy mode. You've just made a movie, I heard. That's correct. What is it about?
Speaker: it is a comedy that has no math in it. Let's go. Yeah. I made this for... i know these days you see most comedy has become filled with theorem proving and vague references to numbers. Love triangles. Yeah.
Speaker: And I just feel like it's become so saturated. you know I kind of can't even imagine a story that doesn't involve math, but... I know. Well, that's the world we live in now where we have forgotten how to tell any other kind of story. But I mean, i found a way to do it. I sat down and thought hard and I had to explore logically and sort of rigorously whether there could be a way to do it. I did some calculations, worked out, and it's true. You can make a movie with no math in it.
Speaker: So it's just blank. That's correct.
Speaker: Now that's funny. It's like, a yeah, or 33 or something. It's like the no, no, do you just saw shit. That is a number. Yeah. but
Speaker: you
