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When Safety Never Felt Certian: The Childhood Wound of the Enneagram 6
15 Plays27 days ago
What happens when a child learns that safety isn't guaranteed?
In this episode of STILL YOU, we take a deep dive into the childhood wound of Enneagram Type Six and explore how early experiences of uncertainty can shape a lifetime of overthinking, vigilance, self-doubt, and the search for security.
Together we'll explore:
• Why Type Sixes struggle to trust themselves
• The origins of anxiety, fear, and worst-case-scenario thinking
• How childhood experiences influence adult relationships
• Why reassurance never seems to last
• The connection between hypervigilance and emotional exhaustion
• Practical steps for building self-trust and inner security
Whether you're a Type Six or someone who loves one, this episode offers insight, compassion, and practical tools for healing the belief that you must always be prepared for danger.
Because true security isn't found in controlling the future—it's found in learning to trust yourself.
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Resources: The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso
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Transcript
Introduction to Enneagram Type Six
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Still You, the place where we untangle who you learn to become from who you truly are underneath all those coping mechanisms, defenses, and survival strategies.
The Childhood Wound of Type Six
00:00:13
Speaker
Today we are diving into the Enneagram type six or otherwise known as the loyalist, the person who has already thought of what uh, 17 possible outcomes before you've even finished explaining your idea. And honestly, yeah if you're a six, you've probably already anticipated that at least three reasons why this episode might be wrong. And you know what? That's okay. Because today we're talking about that childhood wound underneath all of that questioning, preparing, planning, and most of all, all that worrying,
Impact of Inconsistent Authority on Type Six
00:00:48
Speaker
babe.
00:00:48
Speaker
Okay, we're talking about the child who learned that safety wasn't something they could just automatically trust. The child who learned they needed to stay alert. The child who became who came to believe that I need to be prepared because something could go wrong.
00:01:07
Speaker
This episode, believe it or not, is not about anxiety, despite it really sounding like it so far, but it's about the wound underneath that anxiety. It's about how that wound shaped your personality, who you are today, and most importantly, it's about how to heal it.
Call to Action: Engage with the Podcast
00:01:26
Speaker
But before we dive in...
00:01:28
Speaker
Girl, you know the drill. Rate, review, share, blah, blah, blah, blah. Especially if this episode reminds you of you and your boyfriend or whoever needs to just listen ASAP.
00:01:41
Speaker
Or if it reminds you of someone who could benefit from tuning in, okay? Also, quickie, don't forget to check out the new website to book your one-on-one if you really, really want to dive in deep,
Perception and Inconsistencies in Type Six
00:01:54
Speaker
okay? So...
00:01:56
Speaker
Let's go back to where it all started for my little over thinkers. The Tinder bio I would use for you guys would be, I learned that the world was unpredictable. Okay. Type six children are often incredibly perceptive. They notice things like inconsistencies in behaviors, tensions in the room or between people, especially conflicts and even more so uncertainty. For example, my boyfriend whom I will be bringing up a lot and more of because he is a six and he's a great real life reference here. So this morning after I got dressed and finished my coffee, I started like busying around the house, picking up odds and ends, whatnot, tidying up. He was at the counter doing some work and he looked at me was like, everything okay? was like, oh yeah, why? And he had said that he felt that I was like upset based on how I was just moving about the house and just got a weird feeling, which he was 100% wrong. And he is he's not always like asking stuff like that, but it was his anxiety alerting him, which is fine, but it isn't always 100% right. That's what my sixes need to remember, always. Sixes are paying attention long before anyone realizes they're paying attention.
00:03:24
Speaker
While other kids might simply accept things as they are, sixes are already asking, can I trust this? Is this going to last? What happens if this changes? Things like that are just constantly swirling in their
The Role of Authority in Type Six's Security
00:03:41
Speaker
little head. And at the heart of a type six wound is a disruption in their relationship with safety and support for various reasons. ah Six is often they grow up feeling uncertain about where security comes from. Sometimes parents are inconsistent.
00:03:57
Speaker
ah Sometimes authority figures are unpredictable. And sometimes there is instability in the family. And other times, nothing obvious happens or had happened at all. And just like every other type,
00:04:11
Speaker
Their environment may have looked completely normal from the outside, but internally the child develops the feeling that support is just unreliable. So let's break that down a little bit further. Okay. Remember here, the basic fear of a type six is being without support guidance or something solid to lean on, which Honestly, it is an actual universal fear for any child. Kids literally cannot survive without their parents, their caregivers. But at a certain point in development, toddlers begin doing the most normal thing for a child.
00:04:49
Speaker
They start pulling away from their parents to assert their independence. One minute, they're glued to mom's leg, turning it, and the next, they're putting every ounce of strength they have to open the door because they can do it themselves. And This is what we talked about in the last episode as the separation phase. One of the most important factors that helps a child find the confidence to separate from the mother is the presence of a father figure. And this isn't always a biological father, although it, again, often is. It's the person who provides structure, discipline, guidance, authority within the family system. And when this figure shows up in a strong and reliable, consistent way, they become a secure launching pad for
00:05:38
Speaker
the type six child's growing independence. Does that sense? They
Inner Conflicts and Independence in Type Six
00:05:43
Speaker
help they helped the child learn how the world works, what is safe, what is dangerous, when to take risks, when to pump the brakes. In a sense, they mirror the child's developing inner guidance system, of course, but For most of us, this process was less healthy emotional development and more trying to figure out life with half-charged GPS of a parent. yeah
00:06:10
Speaker
Oh boy, tell me if that sounds familiar. But maybe the rules can like constantly changed. Maybe support felt inconsistent or maybe nobody seemed to know what they were doing. Whatever the case, most adults carry some insecurities from this stage.
00:06:29
Speaker
But for sixes, this struggle becomes a central theme for their entire life. If the sixth child perceives that support for their independence is lacking, they may begin to feel vulnerable and unsafe. They fear being overwhelmed by dependency while simultaneously feeling unequipped to stand on their own. So as a result, they learn to stay vigilant, always scanning for potential threats, disappointments, or reasons to not trust. And this creates the deep inner conflict that sixes are known for.
00:07:05
Speaker
They crave closeness, approval, and support, but they also fear becoming too dependent on those things. They want someone to have their back, but they don't want to lose themselves in the process. So does to solve this dilemma, many of them attempt to form an alliance with the authority figure or dad in their lives, yet This often creates even more tension because that authority figure can seem either too controlling or not supportive enough or like having too many rules or being uninterested entirely. And so as adults, many sixes end up striking an uneasy compromise outwardly following the rules while either inwardly, if that's a word, questioning everything, they're the employee who says, absolutely, no problem.
00:08:00
Speaker
in the meeting and then spends the entire drive home arguing with their boss in that imaginary debate that they definitely win, which honestly, who hasn't done that? But basically, they may appear cooperative on the outside while quietly um maintaining their independence through skepticism, cynicism, passive resistance, and the occasional stubborn refusal to do something simply because someone told them to do it.
Personal Story Reflecting Type Six Characteristics
00:08:26
Speaker
Lord have mercy. So basically because of all of that, one of the deepest wounds of type of the type six isn't simply distrust of others. It's distrust of themselves. Sit with that for a sec. Okay. Many sixes grow up doubting their own judgment. They second can guess themselves. They seek reassurance. They look for outside confirmation, blah blah, blah. Some become compliant with authority, but others can become skeptical of authority. But bold respond that sorry both responses stem from the same question here. Who can i trust? Because of that lack of support from dad or whomever they considered their authority figure, I can attest to this actually. i um
00:09:16
Speaker
finally properly tested my boyfriend, like I mentioned, who I said previously was a seven. only because one of my other friends who is a seven, course, and is also into the Enneagram, um she was all like, yeah, he's totally a seven. And I was a bit skeptical, but we get along so well. So I never really questioned it until recently. Turns out he's a solid six wing seven. And everything about hit this childhood wound is wildly accurate for him. And I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't see it before. But he describes his father and the relationship he has with him as like, meh, you know, not a bad dad.
Trust and Doubt in Type Six Relationships
00:09:59
Speaker
He was present, he provided, but in a weird, ah hard to explain way, also absent at the same time. I'd say more like disengaged from the family system. He just wants to sit in front of the TV. He'll do what his wife asks. He'll pick up from pick us up from the airport, all the things expected of him. And I have only known him the past couple of years, and he already is an elderly man, so I never questioned that because kind of seemed normal for his age. But as we have learned about my boyfriend's Enneagram and how his childhood went, it seemed like that has been the case since day one. So...
00:10:40
Speaker
being a six, he was still looking for support, right? And so he leaned heavily on his older brother who was six years older than him. He'll call him for everything you'd think to call your dad for. And another part of the type six is that they fear being overwhelmed by their mothers. And that's why they look for direction from their dads. And in the case of my boyfriend,
00:11:05
Speaker
I'd still consider him a mama's boy, but not not in that stereotypical sense. Which, honestly, side note, I was slightly worried about at first, but he maintains great boundaries with her, and she's also a Cuban mom, so the worry of being emotionally overwhelmed is totally valid. Yeah.
00:11:24
Speaker
Okay, let's move on to our reflection prompt or journal prompt here, whatever you want to call it. Either way, seriously ask yourself these questions.
00:11:34
Speaker
Did I emotionally secure? Nope. Did I feel emotionally secure growing up? Did I trust my own instincts? Was there someone I consistently felt safe with?
00:11:48
Speaker
And lastly, what did I learn about uncertainty?
Anxiety and Over-Preparation in Type Six
00:11:52
Speaker
Okay. So how does this affect our sixes in their adult life overall? So the six mind is brilliant. It's constantly scanning for possibilities. Their strengths include, but not limited to, Planning, troubleshooting, um loyalty, preparedness, risk assessment. But the same gift can also become exhausting because the mind never stops asking, what if?
00:12:23
Speaker
Let's dig into that a little bit further here. So while fear isn't one of the traditional seven deadly sins, it has been identified as the ah core passion or emotional distortion of the type six because so much of the six's behavior is rooted in insecurity and their relationship with fear.
00:12:44
Speaker
So sixes experience fear in the obvious ways one could guess, such as worrying about their safety, security, what could potentially go wrong in the future, which again is all a very human thing to experience.
00:12:59
Speaker
But for the six, their fear also shows up as chronic self-doubt, second-guessing themselves and anxiety about other people. Although 60s can come off, they can come off as warm, they're friendly, really, really relationship-oriented on the outside. And many of them carry a deep concern that people will abandon them, reject them, betray them, or somehow just turn against them. And they worry they'll accidentally say the wrong thing or miss an important social cue or just a mistake that damages a relationship forever.
00:13:36
Speaker
And a six can have a perfectly normal text conversation and then, you know, spend the next three hours wondering if the other person's period at the other end of their message meant they're upset secretly.
00:13:47
Speaker
Right. My boyfriend. Oh, my God. He will take way too fucking long to type out what he feels is an important text. I'm sorry, I said it. He's overthinking every single punctuation.
00:14:03
Speaker
ah He'll even try to help me write something out and I'll just like click send right away. And he'll literally sigh, like, and just like toss his hands in the air as if to say like, okay, it's your fault what happened, you know? And guess what?
00:14:18
Speaker
It always turns out okay. He's so lucky to have me. Anyway, moving on. It's not about me. um So as a result, much of a six's friendliness isn't simply about being social. It's really about a way of checking the temperature of their relationships. They want reassurance that everything is still okay, that nobody is mad, and that the ground beneath them is just still solid. there. Unlike many other personality types, that... unconsciously suppress their fears or distract themselves from anxiety, sixes to remain highly aware of theirs. Their minds are constantly running background security scans to sound dramatic, but sometimes this awareness can motivate them to prepare, solve problems and stay ahead of potential issues. And more often though, it leaves them feeling just mentally exhausted. They're overwhelmed and uncertain. What's interesting here is that many sixes don't actually look or seem anxious from the outside. Do you see this duality here with them? But their minds may be hosting full-scale emergency preparedness meeting and their outward appearance can seem calm and collected and completely normal. Okay, so how do sixes cope with this? They tend Typically learn to manage fear in one of two ways. Okay. By reacting to it or reacting against it. Some sixes become more cautious, hesitant, and visibly nervous when they feel afraid.
00:15:51
Speaker
Others develop a more counter phobic style confronting the fear head on with boldness and, or maybe aggression. But it's important to understand that these aren't two separate kinds of sixes. Most sixes have access to both responses and may switch between them depending on the situation. counterphobic six might volunteer to confront the angry customer or argue with the boss or um sign up for skydiving while also at the same time worrying about 17 worst case scenarios on the drive there.
00:16:26
Speaker
Lord almighty, that sounds exhausting. But much of this tendency develops from the messages six received growing up. Some were taught that being tough was the best way to stay safe, so they learned to meet fear with strength and defiance. While the others were taught to avoid conflict, stay out of trouble, keep the peace, you know? Either way, fear remains at the center of the equation.
Healing and Self-Trust for Type Six
00:16:51
Speaker
It's just wearing a different costume, okay? So that's just like a general overview of their adulthood resulting from their childhood wounds, but how do type sixes show up in relationships, okay?
00:17:05
Speaker
As we know, sixes crave security and connection, yet they can struggle to fully relax into relationships. So they will seek reassurance, they're testing a loyalty, overanalyzing interactions,
00:17:19
Speaker
um worrying about abandonment. They imagine worst case scenarios, not because they don't love someone, but because they do and deeply, very deeply, but losing connection feels threatening. For example, a partner might may take three hours to respond to a text. And most people, right? they're They're probably just busy, right?
00:17:42
Speaker
ah The six thinks they're probably just busy. or mad, or injured, or reconsidering the relationship, or trapped in an elevator. Maybe I actually offended them. Cue the Spyro.
00:17:54
Speaker
But how about adult sixes in the workplace? Sixes are often, they're incredible employees and great leaders. They prepare thoroughly. They anticipate problems, create contingency plans. They think critically. They're the people asking questions everyone else forgot to ask. Unfortunately, they can also become trapped in over-preparation. Sometimes they prepare so much that taking action becomes difficult. Does that sound like any of you? but The tragedy isn't that sixes don't have their inner guidance. The tragedy is that they often don't trust it. Many sixes ah operate with a nervous system that is constantly monitoring for danger. However, you want to define that for yourself. It sounds dramatic, but it can be described in many ways, like not necessarily physical danger, but more like relational, emotional, financial, future potential, hypothetical. And danger...
00:18:56
Speaker
That just ah doesn't even exist yet. Just imagine standing on guard every day or never fully putting down your shield. Eventually, that does become exhausting. And many sixes don't realize how tired they are because vigilance feels normal. And they've been carrying it for so long and for no reason. The majority of those shields are not necessary for everyday life.
Building Resilience and Embracing Uncertainty
00:19:22
Speaker
So segue, what does healing look ah healing this childhood wound look like for our anxiety-ridden sixes? Healing requires helping the body learn that I am safe now.
00:19:36
Speaker
First off, learn to trust yourself. The healing journey for sixes is largely about reclaiming inner authority. Practice asking yourself, what do I think?
00:19:48
Speaker
What do I believe? What does my intuition say? it is before asking five other people or even one other person, okay? Progress, not perfection. You got it?
00:20:01
Speaker
Second, prepare, nope. Separate possibility from probability. Six is often confused. ah This could happen with this will happen.
00:20:13
Speaker
Learning to distinguish between the two is life changing. You need to start with noticing your thoughts though and the definitiveness that you put on things. Catch yourself in those moments and change your language. It will be hard and uncomfortable at first, but just tell yourself, I trust you and then move forward. Okay.
00:20:34
Speaker
Third, yep, third, build evidence of your resilience. Many sixes underestimate their ability to handle challenges. So start collecting proof, literally. Ask yourself, what have I survived? What have I figured out? What difficulties have I already navigated? The answer is usually a lot more than you think.
00:20:59
Speaker
Write it down actually and post it up somewhere maybe so that you have this reminder that you can trust yourself. Okay. Fourthly, practice staying in the present. Fear lives in the future. Okay. Healing happens in the present. Ask yourself what is actually happening right now? Not what might happen. Not what could happen. What is happening today? This
Encouragement and Growth for Type Six
00:21:23
Speaker
moment. Seems simple and ineffective, but this will start to change your brain chemistry to be more present in your life and inevitably be able to navigate daily life with less fear and less anxiety. Doesn't that sound nice? Come on.
00:21:39
Speaker
All right, fifthly, i know that's not a word. And finally, let certainty go. This may be the hardest lesson because healing doesn't come from finding perfect certainty. It comes from learning that you can tolerate uncertainty, okay? And it will still be okay. I want you to think about it. No, I want you to think about or write about some recent situations where you were uncertain of the outcome. and the fear or anxiety you had about it, and how it turned out not only okay, but maybe even better than, of course, expected.
00:22:16
Speaker
I have a little post-it quote actually on my computer that I remind myself every single day because my full-time job can be extremely unpredictable. And a lot of it is out of my control and it gets extremely frustrating. Sounds like your personal nightmare. So I look at this post-it to remind myself that, hey, it will work out. So what it says is things are always working out for me no matter how it looks at any point in time.
00:22:44
Speaker
Write that down where you can see it every single day. Okay? Okay. All right, guys. That is the episode. So in closing, my type sixes, you were never meant to carry the responsibility of predicting every possible outcome. You were never meant to stay on guard every moment of your life. You were never meant to earn safety through vigilance. The truth truth is you are much stronger than you think, more capable than you believe, and far more resilient than your fear would have you imagined. The safety you've spent your whole life searching for isn't found in the perfect preparation. It's found in learning to trust yourself.
00:23:29
Speaker
Not because you'll always know what to do, but because you've already proven that when life gets hard, you'll find your way through it. Okay? You don't need all the answers before taking the next step. You just need enough trust to take it.
00:23:45
Speaker
Thank you guys for being here. Everyone, please do your part. Leave a heart and a review and share while you're at And until next time, stay with yourself.
00:23:57
Speaker
Bye.