Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to Still You, the podcast where we use the Enneagram to understand the patterns we've developed, why we developed them, and how we can stop letting those patterns run our lives. And today we have made it all the way to type nine, the crown of the Enneagram. The very last one in our childhood wound series, but the nine is known as the peacemaker, the mediator of the friend group, or most commonly known as the person who says something like, I don't really care where we eat. Does that sound familiar? Because if you are a type nine, you probably have had things said to you like, You're so chill, you're easy to be around, you're such a good listener. And you're probably thinking, thank you, yes, that's exactly what I'm going for.
Speaker: But, sorry, but there's a but. But here's where we're going to go deeper today. Because what if being easygoing wasn't always just who you are and have always been?
Speaker: What if at some point you learned that keeping the peace was safer than expressing yourself? And what if you learned that other people's needs were easier to to identify than your own? or what if you became so good at understanding everyone else's perspective that you really slowly just lost touch with your own?
Speaker: And what if your childhood taught you, if I don't make waves, everything will be okay. That's where we're going today. We're diving deep into the childhood wound of the Enneagram type nine. We're going to explore at the nines self forgetting,
Speaker: where the nines self-forgetting comes from, why conflict can feel so threatening, why saying what you want can be so difficult sometimes, and why nines can have an incredibly strong inner world while appearing incredibly easygoing on the outside.
Speaker: Also, we're going to talk about anger because yes, nines have anger, which I know sounds absolutely shocking to those who have a nine in their life. But most importantly, we're going to talk about healing because Healing the type nine isn't about becoming louder, more aggressive, or more confrontational, which is probably your biggest fear. It's about becoming more present, more awake, more connected to yourself, and learning that your needs don't destroy relationships. Your opinions don't automatically create conflict. And most importantly, your anger doesn't make you a bad person.
Speaker: But of course, before we dive in, you know the drill. Please rate, review, and subscribe. And definitely share this to ah show this or any other episode to the people in your life that need to understand you more or to those who you finally get after listening to an episode or just to someone who you think is a complete mess and think the Enneagram can help clean all that noise up.
Speaker: Also, don't forget you can schedule a one-on-one with me via my website, stillyoucoaching.com. Okay, so ah let's go back to the beginning where it all started for our type nines.
Speaker: So the tattoo I'd have on every forehead of every type nine, it would be, i need to keep the peace. A tattoo slogan is hilarious and I should have done that for every type in this series, but here we are.
Speaker: Anyway, so many type nines describe their childhood as happy, peaceful, or relatively uneventful. But of course, as we know, that isn't always the case. For nines who grew up in more difficult or unpredictable environments, they learn to cope by mentally checking out from whatever felt overwhelming. And by taking on the role of the peacemaker or maybe the emotional referee in the family, they learned that one of the best ways to keep things calm was to stay out the way, ask for very little and avoid becoming another problem for their parents to deal with.
Speaker: In other words, they became they became the easy kid, the child who didn't need much, didn't complain, didn't make a scene, and could basically entertain themselves while mom or dad handled everything else.
Speaker: So the internal message can become something like, if I speak up or make myself a problem, I'm only going to make things worse. But if I stay quiet and agreeable and don't rock the boat, maybe everybody will be okay.
Speaker: So over time, nines can come to believe that having needs, asserting themselves, getting angry, or creating any kind of difficulty for their parents isn't really allowed. They learn to adapt rather than assert themselves. And as a result, they may struggle to to develop a strong sense of who they are separate from the people around them. Young nines often learn ah to stay in the backgrounds.
Speaker: where they feel less exposed and less likely to create conflict. And this pattern can follow them well into adulthood and will follow them into adulthood. Their inner world can become so crowded with everyone else's feelings, opinions, needs, schedules, and agendas that their own voice becomes incredibly difficult to hear.
Speaker: They may and probably know exactly what their partner wants for dinner, what their boss needs from them, or what their friend is going through, but ask them what they want, and suddenly it's like their brain goes offline. It's like, I don't know, whatever you want becomes the automatic response. Nines can also repress their anger and personal will so thoroughly that they become disconnected from both. They learn to adjust, accommodate, and go along with whatever life or other people put in front of them. It may rarely occur to them to stop and ask, what do I actually want? What what do I think or feel? And as a result, it can take some some real digging for nines to reconnect with their own desires, preferences, and sense of direction. In highly dysfunctional families, some young nines may have experienced emotional, physical, or sexual trauma. And in those circumstances, the disassociation...
Speaker: Did I say that right? Or shutting down can become an important way of protecting themselves from feelings that seem too overwhelming to process. In one sense, not having constant access to painful memories or intense emotions may have helped the child like actually survive. But the downside is that the same protective mechanism can eventually dull their ability to fully experience life.
Speaker: Instead of only ah shutting out the painful parts, they may begin shutting out the vivid and awesome parts of life too. They can retreat into fantasies or sleep. Nines are big nappers. Or binge watching their comfort shows, routines, doom scrolling, or whatever helps them create a little peaceful, little bubble around themselves. They may focus heavily on whatever's positive or calm in their environment, and even when that peace is more of an illusion than reality. And eventually, the nine can become so good at staying comfortable and keeping the peace that they forget they are actually supposed to be living their life.
Speaker: Life. but Okay, so I mentioned we will be talking about the nines. relationship with anger. So let's just go on and get that out the way. Okay. Because nines are part of the anger or body center of the Enneagram. These are my people. Okay. Type eight, nine, and one all have a unique relationship with anger, unlike any other types. Okay. But they express it very differently. For example, eights, as we've learned, tend to move toward anger, to put it nicely, or otherwise express it. And type ones tend to control and internalize anger, basically suppressing and bottling it up. But for our nines, one of the biggest struggles they have is that they tend to numb themselves to anger.
Speaker: Lower to average nines can look like they don't have an aggressive bone in their body. They're calm, easygoing, whatever you want. I'm good. It's fine.
Speaker: Meanwhile, there can be a whole, whole lot of anger and resentment quietly being collected over the years. And the funny or honestly not so funny part is that the nine may not even realize how angry they actually are. Because anger is an instinctive response. It's information. It tells us when something feels wrong, when a boundary has been crossed, when we've been hurt, or when we need to take action.
Speaker: But when a nine continually ah pushes anger down, ignores it, or tells themselves they shouldn't feel that way, it doesn't just magically disappear. It gets stored. The body keeps the score.
Speaker: Read that book. Okay. And eventually that anger can turn into rage or resentment, irritability, passive aggressive behavior, which is so on brand for a nine. point But the interesting thing is, is when nines suppress their anger, they can end up suppressing a whole lot more than just anger. Their passion, their motivation, assertiveness, desire, sexuality, creativity, and even their ability to fully experience love can get muted out as well. why Because somewhere along the way, the nine learned that strong emotions, and especially strong negative emotions, might threaten the two things they value most, their inner peace and their relationships. They may think, if I get angry, I'm going to lose control.
Speaker: If I speak up, someone is going to be upset with me. If I tell them what I really think, this relationship could change. So maybe it's just easier to let it go. Except they don't. They don't actually let it go. They stuff it all down. And eventually, all those little, it's fine moments really start piling up. The moments where...
Speaker: You are saying, I said it was fine. It's really not a big deal. I don't care where we eat. I don't care what we do. I'm okay. I'm not mad. I'm definitely not mad.
Speaker: It's all a perfect recipe for a psychotic break for a nine. Yeah, I'm being dramatic, but you get the point. The truth is becoming aware of their anger can actually be incredibly freeing for nines. That anger can become the energy they need to break out of the inertia that keeps them stuck. Because nines aren't angry just for one reason. Sometimes they're angry because They feel like they don't have enough space to have a life of their own. They spend so much time accommodating everyone else, adjusting to other people's preferences, keeping relationships peaceful, and making sure nobody else is uncomfortable, that their own wants and needs just get pushed to the back of the line. And after years of doing that, resentment changes. can and will start creeping in. They may think, why does everyone always need something from me? When do I get to do what I want? Does anyone even notice what I need? Hmm?
Speaker: Nines can also become angry when other people continually try to push them into action before they feel ready. That would be, i would be that person. Someone is asking ah them to make a decision. Someone is reminding them about a problem they've been avoiding. Someone is saying, we really need to talk about this. And the nine is internally thinking, could everyone please stop shining a flashlight on the thing i have very intentionally shoved to the mental junk drawer.
Speaker: but They may want to retreat into their comfortable routines, watch TV, scroll their phone, take a nap, clean something that absolutely does not need cleaning, or simply convince themselves that the problem will somehow disappear if they don't look directly at it. Honestly, I'm guilty of that too, so I kind of get it. But then there's another much deeper source of anger.
Speaker: Times when the nine has been hurt, mistreated, taken advantage of, or had their boundaries crossed and felt powerless to respond.
Speaker: This is where that suppressed anger can become especially significant. Less healthy nines can become what we might call emotional doormats. They tolerate things they shouldn't. They allow people to take more than they give. They say yes when they desperately want to say no. And they stay quiet when they should speak up.
Speaker: And eventually they can find themselves thinking, how on earth did I end up here? Why does everyone think they can treat me this way? But the difficult part is that the nine may have spent so much time disconnecting from their anger that they also um are disconnected from the energy they needed to protect themselves. Does that make sense there? Okay. Average nines can essentially freeze when their self-protective instincts are needed. Okay.
Speaker: Instead of responding in the moment, they may shut down, go blank, avoid the conversation, or tell themselves they'll deal deal with it later. And later becomes tomorrow, tomorrow becomes next week. And eventually, the thing they never addressed becomes a giant emotional elephant sitting in the living room while everyone pretends it isn't there. And That sense of powerlessness can be one of the biggest sources of suppressed rage for a nine. And this is why i want to challenge the idea that anger is automatically a bad thing. Okay. We tend to think of anger as this scary, destructive emotion that needs to be controlled. But again, anger has ah actually a very healthy purpose. It can tell you something needs to change. It can help you draw a boundary. help you recognize that you've been treated unfairly. it can give you the energy to finally take action. And anger can help you say, actually, no that that that doesn't work for me. And for a nine, that can actually be life-changing. The goal here isn't for a nine to become an angry person. it's It's not about walking around, picking fights, screaming at people, or putting holes in walls and developing road rage, okay? It's about becoming willing to feel what you feel.
Speaker: It is that simple, yes. Because sometimes anger is simply the part of you saying, yo, hey, pay attention. You matter too, okay? Okay. Okay, let's ah take a moment to pause here.
Speaker: I want to give you something to think about and or journal about. These questions to ask yourself may seem repetitive or unimportant, but give it a shot, okay? And let me know what comes of it.
Speaker: So a huge part of healing for you nines involves noticing just how much you have clamped down on your own energy. So ask yourself, where are you holding back?
Speaker: Where are you saying, I don't care when you actually do. Where are you agreeing just to avoid discomfort? Where are you tolerating something because speaking up feels harder than staying quiet? And most importantly, where have you confused peace ah with the absence of conflict?
Speaker: Because real peace doesn't require you to disappear. Sometimes real peace looks like having the uncomfortable conversation. Sometimes it looks like saying no. And sometimes it looks like admitting you're pissed. Sometimes it looks like letting someone be disappointed with you. And sometimes it looks like finally taking up enough space to say actually, this is what I want. Your anger isn't necessarily the enemy. and for a nine, it may actually be the part of you that's trying to wake you back up.
Speaker: Okay, I also want you to think back to your childhood and ask yourself these couple of questions. Okay, happened when I disagreed as a child?
Speaker: What happened when you were angry? Did you feel heard? Did you feel like your preferences mattered? Were you praised for being easy?
Speaker: And perhaps the biggest question here, did I learn that keeping everyone else comfortable was more important than staying connected to myself? Okay, so with that,
Speaker: Hit pause if you have to think think it through. So moving on, what happens when our nine children become adults? We've kind of covered a lot of this already, but the same survival strategy becomes a lifestyle. The nine becomes incredibly good at adapting. Spotting them out in the wild is actually hard because of this, but I guarantee you, you have one in your life in some capacity. Because they can fit into different friend groups, environments, and personalities, and can easily understand almost everyone's perspective, which is an amazing, incredible gift. But it makes it difficult for them to know where do other people end and where they begin.
Speaker: I can see nines in jobs like a judge, honestly. A healthy nine can truly honestly hear both sides and consider everything involved and still make an assertive and fair judgment. Or even mediators. Same thing. Nines have an incredible gift of truly listening. And we aren't trying to squash that out of you. It's about knowing... when and how to use these gifts in the most effective way possible while maintaining your autonomy like we've touched on um type 9 adults are incredibly easy going and easily fade into the background which is their exact goal but despite resentment slowly building inside of them it's easier to be the agreeable flexible friend or the partner that doesn't cause any rifts so in this case yeah nines are hard to spot because they are
Speaker: quickly and easily overlooked. So if you are not a nine listening to this, pause and think if there's anyone in your life like this, okay? Average nines as adults don't have any sort of exciting life. They crave the boring and mundane and most importantly, those rainy Saturdays where they can sleep all day, read their books, watch their shows.
Speaker: I mean, honestly, though, 10 out of 10 Saturdays. But what we have learned so far about our nines, their inner inertia, the the sloth-like approach to life can have them missing out on what can make life meaningful and memorable. Are you using that lazy Saturday to avoid what you really need to address in your life? This is where the nine can start to spiral into the unhealthy levels of their type. extreme avoidance and disassociation. Letting problems and issues build and build until they no longer can avoid it and a molehill has most certainly turned into Mount Everest. Which is your worst fear. Okay, so what about relationships? Nines really make wonderful partners. They are extremely loyal and kind. They'll go above and beyond the call of duty to show up for their partners.
Speaker: But since we're talking about childhood wounds, it will inevitably show up in their relationship dynamics when conflict arises. Because when doesn't that happen in a relationship?
Speaker: okay The nine's go-to method is denial. It's a huge defense mechanism for them because what we have what have we learned about them, right? They will do everything. anything to not disturb their inner peace or their external peace. And their shortcut to that is denial. They may even minial minimalize, minimalize?
Speaker: What does it sound right? I said oh Sounds weird. Minimalize the issue, suggest things that are temporary solutions to monumentous issues. They will ignore obvious signs that something is wrong and resort to their many avoidant tactics like napping, doom scrolling, or some other disassociative activity.
Speaker: Guess what happens to the type nine partner ah when they do this? Yeah, resentment builds and the very thing the nine is desperately trying to avoid only gets worse and worse for them.
Speaker: If you have listened to every episode so far, you will see how each and every type will use their survival strategies learned in childhood to avoid the one thing they fear most, for only to have those exact strategies actually push us toward what we're desperately trying to avoid and fear the most. Lord, I'm listening. Does that make sense? We're here to break those patterns, babe.
Speaker: right, moving on. Okay, so the tragedy of type nine is that they can become so good at creating peace that they disappear from their own lives. They keep everyone else comfortable. They understand everyone's perspective. They accommodate everyone's needs. And one day they wake up and realize, Hmm, what do I actually want?
Speaker: That question can be terrifying, but it can also be the beginning of healing. Okay. so What is healing look like for our type nines childhood wound? Okay. Healing type nine is ultimately about waking up, literally waking up to your entire self, like your physical body, emotions, preferences, anger, your goals. And most importantly,
Speaker: your voice Again, you don't have to become someone else or be ridden with anger and rage. You just have to become fully you because when that happens, you actually get what you've been chasing your whole life.
Speaker: peace and harmony. You just have to walk through the mud first and to not shy away from the inevitable conflicts that life brings. Okay. So make sense. All right.
Speaker: First step, start incredibly small, but ask yourself what you actually want. Things like what you want for dinner, what movie do you want to watch or what do you want to do today? Practice answering. Imagine it like a group text and planning the next girls' night.
Speaker: Toss in your suggestion for the dinner or brunch spot because you saw cool TikTok about it. Will that create conflict? No. Will they go with your suggestion?
Speaker: Maybe, but, ah or maybe not. But the small act of using your voice is a great place to start. Is it maybe it's date night with your guy? Think about what you would actually love to do and suggest it. A good man will listen to you. Or if you're a take the initiative and plan the date night. A good woman will love anything you plan. Trust me.
Speaker: All this to say, it's about rebuilding the connection to yourself, no matter how big or small your preferences or desires are. All right. Step two, stop saying, i don't care if you care.
Speaker: Kind of take it out of your vocabulary for the time being, honestly, and say you care. Instead of saying, Whatever works. Try, i'd actually prefer this instead of saying, i don't mind. Try, i would rather do this. It might feel incredibly uncomfortable at first.
Speaker: Do it anyway. You may know ah right away in those moments that you care. And sometimes you may need to take a beat and check in with yourself to see if you do care about what is going on or what is being decided. Remember, this is about connecting back to yourself. You cannot control everyone's reaction or response. That is their problem.
Speaker: Also, you know you can trust yourself enough to communicate your desires in a way that will not come off as combative. Okay? Remember that. All right. third Practice saying no. Again, start small. Does this seem similar to the others? Yes, but it goes to show how important all of this is for you. Every time you say no ah in an honest way, it teaches your brain that you are allowed to exist. Okay?
Speaker: Okay, fourth, you need to start identifying your anger, but it will present itself differently in the moment. So when you feel emotions such as annoyance, irritation, resistance, stubbornness, or you feel yourself shutting things down, it's your cue to ask yourself,
Speaker: what am I angry about here? Okay, it could be a few things, but sit with it for a moment and see what comes up. Maybe someone crossed a boundary. Maybe you've been saying yes too much lately. Maybe you're just exhausted or you wanted something different. Anger can become a map back to yourself. Okay, step five. I think this is the last one. Yes, last thing before you go, you need to start taking action before you feel motivated. Remember, motivation is an emotion. We cannot be relying on something that comes and goes on a whim.
Speaker: So when you start taking the initiative, regardless of how you feel, you will magically find how motivation enters the chat after that. Okay? So don't wait until you feel completely ready. Ask yourself right now, what have you been procrastinating on?
Speaker: Send the the email, make the appointment, start the project, Go to the gym, have the conversation, okay? Your life doesn't need to be transformed overnight, okay? And your life isn't going to go up in smoke if you address things you've put aside, okay? You will still be loved, I promise.
Speaker: Okay, babes, that is it for my type nine girlies and dudes. Okay, if you're a dude, hit me up. Wait, no, not like that. You know what i mean? i I always think there's only girls listening to this kind of stuff. So if you're a guy listening, I'd honestly would love to know. But thank you for being here, sitting and listening like my little Enneagram minions. Before we close things off, though, don't first don't forget to support the little the podcast here and my little dream here by rating and reviewing and sharing, XYZ. I am also on YouTube and the TikTok.
Speaker: and Thank you for your support. But In closing to my type nines, you have probably spent a lot of your life making room for everyone else. You've listened, you've accommodated, understood, compromised, kept the peace and always been the calm, easy one.
Speaker: But I want you to hear this. You are not a burden for having needs. Your opinions aren't too much. Your anger isn't dangerous. Your preferences aren't selfish and your voice doesn't automatically create conflict. You don't have to disappear in order to belong.
Speaker: You don't have to become smaller so everyone else can stay comfortable. You are allowed to take up space. And the beautiful thing about becoming more connected to yourself is that you don't lose your ability to create peace. You actually become better at creating real peace. Okay. Because now you're not creating harmony by abandoning yourself. Okay.
Speaker: You're creating harmony while remaining present. You can disagree and stay connected. You can say no and still be loved. You can be angry and still be kind. You can have needs and still be generous. You can take up space and still make room for other people. You don't have to choose between yourself and everyone else. You can learn to include yourself. Okay. So the next time someone asks, what do you want? Don't, please don't automatically say, i don't care.
Speaker: Pause. Take a breath and ask yourself, actually, what do I want? And then say it. Even if your voice shakes a little bit, even if it's something really small, even if you're not completely sure. Because every time you choose to hear yourself, you come back to yourself. And that is the whole point. You don't need to become someone new.
Speaker: You just need to stop abandoning the person you've always been. Okay? Remember, you matter, your voice matters, your life matters, and you are allowed to fully, ah you're allowed to be fully here for it. Okay? Until next time though, girls, let's stay with yourself. This is the Still You Podcast.
