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Loved For Who You Are: Healing the Type 3 Child
17 Plays1 month ago
What happens when a child learns that love comes from achievement?
In this episode of STILL YOU, we take a deep, compassionate dive into the childhood wound of Enneagram Type Three — the origin of performance, image management, and the pressure to always be “on.”
We explore:
How Type Threes learned to tie their worth to success and validation
Why emotions were pushed aside in favor of productivity
How this pattern shows up in adulthood as burnout, disconnection, and fear of slowing down
Why Type Threes often feel unseen, even when they’re admired
Practical, grounded steps to reconnect with your authentic self and heal the need to perform
This isn’t about achieving less.
It’s about no longer needing to prove your worth in order to be loved.
If you’re an Enneagram Type Three — or love someone who is — this episode offers clarity, compassion, and a path back to yourself.
Schedule a 1on1: https://calendly.com/bundy-katelynn/30min
Tiktok: @stillyoupod
Youtube: stillyoupod@gmail.com
Resources: The Wisdom of The Enneagram: Don Richard Risso and Russ Hudson
Recommended
Transcript
Understanding Enneagram Type 3
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome back to the Still You Podcast. This is the place where we untangle who you learn to be from, who you actually are underneath all the performing and all the mask wearing. Today we are diving into the Enneagram Type 3, also known as the achiever, the performer, the one who just gets it fucking done, or also known as our chameleons of the Enneagram. But This episode, thanks for asking, is not about productivity. It's not about goals and how to achieve them. And it's definitely not about how to optimize your morning routine and get 40,000 steps in today. Okay. I actually know people like that.
00:00:48
Speaker
But this is about the moment in childhood when love stopped feeling unconditional and started feeling like something you had to earn.
00:00:59
Speaker
Very, very similar, yes, to the type twos, but still there is a major difference. But this is when you threes learned you had to create all sorts of masks in order to fit in achieve and be successful. And most importantly,
00:01:15
Speaker
worthy of love. So if you are three, you might be used to being admired, capable, ultra impressive, the shiny star in the room, right? But as there always is, what's underneath that? You might be wondering or often wonder, would I still be loved if I wasn't achieving anything? Hmm.
00:01:40
Speaker
But before we go back to where that question started, please do your due diligence, rate, review, share, et cetera. You know the drill. Every little bit gets me closer to my goals. And honestly, if you're through listening to this, you'll you'll get the hustle. You get it. So thanks in advance.
00:01:56
Speaker
ah All right. Now let's go back to where it all started. All right. So the Tinder bio or the LinkedIn bio I'm choosing for the type three is i am loved for what I do, not for who I am.
The Conditional Love and Adaptation
00:02:12
Speaker
Oh, that one. Cuts deep. Type three children are incredibly adaptive. All children are, right? It's a survival thing. It's how we learn to be in our environment. But threes, y'all are at a different level. They are perceptive. They are emotionally intelligent. They're very quick to read what gets approval and what doesn't.
00:02:35
Speaker
And very early on, many threes pick up on three major three themes as they adapt to their world, which would be, i get attention when I succeed, I'm praised when I perform, and I'm valued when I achieve.
00:02:52
Speaker
okay This doesn't mean that their parents didn't love them or caregivers or whoever was raising them. What it does mean is that love may have been mirrored through accomplishments. They were valued for doing certain things exceptionally well, achieving, performing, excelling, cetera. You get the drill. So over time, they learned to measure their worth through success and external validation. But no matter how much they accomplished, it never really ah fully satisfied them because the praise wasn't really for who they were, it's for what they had done or for the version of themselves they had learned to become. This is where that chameleon bits really start coming into play here. And it's it's the difference between being loved for existing and being applauded for performing. Does that make sense?
00:03:45
Speaker
Another major characteristic of the the type three child is that they form a deep emotional bond with the nurturing figure in their family. Obviously, like the mom most commonly, um but it's not that's not always the case, but it is extremely common. So at their core, the child longs to hear, you are wonderful, you delight me, you don't have to do anything to belong here, cetera. But instead of receiving that kind of unconditional affirmation, they often sense subtly, and it's not always like explicitly, that love is connected to how well they show up. So almost instinctively, right, the child begins to adapt as they would, as any kid would. So they shape themselves. Remember the chameleon. They shape themselves into whatever will earn approval. They become impressive, capable, accomplished, not necessarily... because it reflects who they are, but because it works.
00:04:45
Speaker
And what makes this especially complex is is that these expectations are often unspoken. no one sits the kid down and says, you need to succeed to be loved. It's more felt, absorbed, and
The Chameleon Effect and Identity Struggles
00:05:00
Speaker
internalized. so For example, if a parent once dreamed of being an artist but never pursued it, ah the type 3 child might feel pulled toward a particular career. So if she always dreamed of being an artist, um but then became a social worker or worked in corporate America, right? So oh this fucking fly, I swear to God.
00:05:24
Speaker
their, moving on, their type three child would find themselves pursuing art, not always, it it may not be out of like a genuine interest, but because something inside says that this matters, they don't really know why. And the mom doesn't even have to be overt about it and forcibly putting their kid in music or art lessons and not giving them a choice. It can be super subtle.
00:05:51
Speaker
But we have heard of those stage moms or even in Asian culture. It is a very well-known stereotype that it is made explicitly clear to their children that they must achieve at a high level as early as possible.
00:06:05
Speaker
So regardless of the parenting style, the child adapts, they shape shift into ah the high achiever, the successful one, the one who makes their family proud.
00:06:18
Speaker
And slowly identity becomes tied to image and output, not who am i but what works. does that make sense? Even later in life, many threes find themselves chasing goals or careers they just can't fully explain other than knowing it makes people proud, especially that their mom or the nurturing figure whose approval still feels ultra deeply important.
00:06:44
Speaker
So in this way, threes often step into the role of the family hero, the one who makes things look good, the successful one, the one who keeps the story intact.
00:06:55
Speaker
And underneath that role is a powerful and unconscious belief that it's not okay to be okay. Because on a deep psychological level, if you feel responsible for redeeming the disappointments, wounds, or unfulfilled dreams of your family, then you don't get to fall apart. You don't get to be messy. You you have to hold it together, or at least look like you do.
00:07:20
Speaker
So really to package all that together, the real wound here for our threes is the disconnection from the authentic self. Type threes didn't just learn to achieve, they learned to disconnect from their own feelings because feelings can get in the way of performance. Sadness, hell no, that slows you down. Confusion, not efficient. And vulnerability, hoo boy, ultra risky.
00:07:47
Speaker
So instead of the threes asking themselves, what do I feel? They learn to ask, what will get me love and approval? So let's pause here and ask yourself a couple thought-provoking questions to help you kind of connect some dots, okay?
00:08:05
Speaker
So firstly, ask yourself or journal. We will be talking about journaling later, whether you like it or not, okay? Think about um these next couple of questions. um When I was praised as a child, what was it for?
00:08:18
Speaker
Hmm? Next, who did I feel I needed to be to be accepted? Lastly, what parts of me got left behind in the process? That might be a long thinker, that last one, but keep it on the the front of your mind. And you might be surprised at what comes up with that. But do your best to mull it oval do your best to mull it over and just find the connections. It will take time. It's not going instantaneous, okay? Give yourselves some grace.
00:08:49
Speaker
All right, next. How does this wound show up in adulthood? The big question.
Challenges in Relationships
00:08:55
Speaker
Basically, achievement as identity. As adults, type 3s often become incredibly successful, which is great, right? Because success doesn't always equal.
00:09:06
Speaker
No, that's not great. But you know what I'm saying? Jumbled my words. Success doesn't always equal connection. That's what i'm saying. Because if your identity is built on performance, your friendships and your relationships will begin to see right through it. And at first in a relationship, it it looks shiny and it's really attractive. Like type threes have no problem finding love interests. Like They can get it.
00:09:34
Speaker
But they struggle immensely with vulnerability because romantic relationships, ones that last and ones that are meaningful, it means seeing behind the mask who the type threes truly are underneath everything that they've achieved and the image that they're there they felt forced to put out into the world and that's absolutely terrifying for a type three why because of this childhood wound because of everything that this episode is about okay but So in relationships, it's difficulty being vulnerable. um And initially, you are presenting a curated version of yourself. And like I said, that won't it won't last if you want your relationship to last at least. but and And then there's that fear of you know the real you that it's it's not enough for...
00:10:26
Speaker
that love interest or that friend or even your own family. um And then also attracting love for who you appear to be and not for who you actually are. So you might think that, why do I keep attracting all the wrong people?
00:10:40
Speaker
Girl, it's time to look in the mirror or boy whoever you are listening. So in work, this is a very different story. r three they're the goal achievers, just like our eights, holla. But they're very driven, efficient, goal-oriented. They get shit done. And they're very adaptable. They can, like sales guide, like I said in the deep dive for the type three, if you're type three and you don't know what... um What career to get into? Sales. Sales. Just hone a couple more of your um interpersonal skills.
00:11:16
Speaker
Oh, my God. Threes can, they're just really, you're really adaptable. So you can walk into any room and just be what works. And then also there is a fear of failure or being seen as incompetent. So there's that struggle to slow down without feeling worthless.
00:11:36
Speaker
And mostly importantly is internally. There's this emptiness when you're not achieving the chronic busyness and the loss of connection to desires and to your feelings. And there's this fear that if, you know, if I stop, I disappear. I don't matter. I'm worthless, which, oh,
00:11:56
Speaker
Girl, so untrue. but this is why you're here, right? We're going to unlearn that. So the heartbreaking irony, the great tragedy of our threes is that they become everything they think they need to be in order to be loved and then don't feel loved for who they actually are.
00:12:15
Speaker
Oh, All right, now what? i I throw all this at you and you might feel little lost. always give you homework and you gotta do it. It's a requirement for this podcast, okay? So what now?
00:12:29
Speaker
On your homework. So, and time you might actually have been waiting for this because um it's just who you are. What can you do to begin this healing journey of your little little baby childhood wound, okay?
00:12:44
Speaker
But I will say pro tip, you are going to feel extremely uncomfortable and maybe even confused, but just remind yourself that in those moments, just know it's working. You're on the right track, okay? First off, separate who you are from what you do. Think about it. Start noticing, if I couldn't achieve anything, who would I be? and it's not a productivity question, okay? It's an identity question. You guys benefit incredibly with a creative outlet. So start like experimenting with anything creative that you keep to yourself. Don't start an Instagram page or for the art or giving away your knitting projects to friends. k niing and ni ni ni it new
00:13:30
Speaker
This is for you, okay? And you alone, all right? Capisce? Next, reconnect with your feelings. And um I know, tough, duh, but practice asking yourself in any moment of the day, what am I feeling right now?
00:13:48
Speaker
What do I want? Not what works. Okay. And here's a good one. What would I choose if no one was watching? Okay. At first, the answer to these questions might be, I don't know, And that's okay. That's definitely, that's that's just the work. Journaling can really benefit everyone at some point, but for you threes, this is the moment to start, okay?
00:14:11
Speaker
it can It can greatly help you reconnect with your feelings and begin to get more grounded in who you really are. It doesn't need to be a thousand word essay. Just start with the prompts I just mentioned or the ones from earlier and just expand from there, okay?
00:14:27
Speaker
Next, I think this is the last one. Let yourself be seen without performing. This will most likely be the hardest one. So let someone see your uncertainty about something or your imperfection, your unpolished self. Go out without makeup on one day. oo I know that's a hard one, but that's a that would be a really good exercise for you.
00:14:53
Speaker
But do these things that really make you uncomfortable that kind of let the mask slip and just notice around you that people honestly don't care and you're still loved for who you are.
00:15:05
Speaker
and also, this is a great opportunity for you to be a service as part of a team, not the leader. ok so start like some volunteer work where you have to be a part of a team and not the head of it or the center of attention. I know, don't take that the wrong way. i love being the center of attention. But this will ease your anxieties and fears of worthlessness. You'll gain enormous satisfaction with yourself. And you actually might be surprised at the self-worth that you'll gain through this volunteer slash teamwork stuff, okay?
00:15:42
Speaker
Oh, wait, there's one more. I think this this is going to be the hardest one. Okay. it Relax. that's That's it. That's the fourth one. Relax. it More than likely, this will be the hardest one for you to do. But you are a lot like our A8s and our type 1s, where relaxation can give you amazing benefits. your relationships will improve and yes even your projects and your work ethic will improve as well you're not dumb you're not stupid you but you are ignoring the scientific facts of a little r&r can do for your time and for your entire life if you don't know what r&r means it means rest and relaxation okay
00:16:25
Speaker
Most threes, like average to unhealthy threes, wait till that major health crisis happens or the divorce that came out of nowhere in order to stop and slow down and take care of themselves and their relationships. So literally, I dare you to take the random day off of work. um work on a fun creative project for yourself or have a family fun day or an all day day date with your with your boo, leave the phone in the drawer and seize the day.
00:16:55
Speaker
Literally. All right, that is the episode. Please drop in the comments your thoughts, feelings, et cetera. I want to hear from you. If you want a one-on-one session, you can copy and paste, I know, the Calendly link and in the show notes below, or you can just DM me for the link. The cost will include the test, whether you've done it or not. It's always good to do a little refresher brush up with a new test. um And also, like I said before, please do your part and leave a heart.
00:17:27
Speaker
Um, anyway, in closing type threes, you were never meant to earn your place in the world. you were never meant to perform your way into love. You were never meant to lose yourself to be accepted. You don't have to stop achieving. You just don't have to become your achievements.
00:17:46
Speaker
You are all allowed to exist without proving anything. Okay. Until next time, stay with yourself. This is the still you podcast.