Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
The Emotional Blueprint of The Type 4s Childhood Wound
24 Plays1 month ago
If you’ve ever felt like you’re different, misunderstood, or like something is just… missing — this might explain why.
In this episode, we break down the childhood wound of Enneagram Type Four — how identity becomes tied to longing, why emotions feel so intense, and why it can be hard to feel fully satisfied or grounded.
We talk about:
Where the “I’m different” feeling comes from
Why Type Fours compare themselves to others
How this pattern shows up in relationships and self-image
What healing looks like without losing your depth or uniqueness
This is a grounded, honest conversation for the Fours who feel deeply — and are ready to feel whole.
Schedule a 1on1: www.stillyoucoaching.com
Tiktok: @stillyoupod
Youtube: stillyoupod@gmail.com
Resources: The Wisdom of The Enneagram: Don Richard Risso and Russ Hudson
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Enneagram Type Four
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome back to Still You, the place where we untangle who you had to become from who you actually are underneath it all, baby girl. Today we're talking about the Enneagram Type Four. Yes, queens, it's your turn. Oh my God, I'm giving myself thick. But you guys are the individualist, the romantic, the one who feels everything oh so so deeply.
The Romanticization of Pain
00:00:29
Speaker
But this episode, girl, this is not about aesthetics, it's not about being different, or how to be different, and it's definitely, definitely not about romanticizing your pain and suffering. In fact, we're putting a stop to all that nonsense, okay?
Childhood Origins of Feeling 'Different'
00:00:46
Speaker
But this is about the moment in childhood when you started to believe that something is missing and it's probably me.
00:00:55
Speaker
But first, you know the drill. Please like, subscribe. And if this reminds you of someone you know, give it a share. Or actually, if this is in fact you and someone needs to hear this, same thing, girl.
00:01:08
Speaker
give it Don't be shy. Give it a share. You know how many exes or people in general have spammed this kind of stuff to? Literally have no shame. Okay.
New Website Announcement
00:01:17
Speaker
I also do want to hear your thoughts on um this episode as well. So wherever you're listening, comment, DM, et And one more little and ah admin and announcement, if I can talk.
00:01:30
Speaker
Lord. Okay. I recently launched my brand spanking new website. It's basically a glorified way to book a one-on-one with me. So if you're a newbie to the Enneagram or um just don't know a lot about it, you can book the beginner sesh. But if you do have somewhat of a knowledge base and know your type or most definitely know your type...
00:01:52
Speaker
um But you want to dive in a little bit deeper in general or over something a little more specific, you can book the advanced session. but And also don't be intimidated by that booking form. It's really helpful if you just fill it all out, okay?
00:02:06
Speaker
But okay, where were we?
Sensitivity and Emotional Mismatch
00:02:08
Speaker
Okay, if you are a four, this will, and most definitely feel really uncomfortably familiar. So as you listen, please, please, please, please listen with curiosity. And most of all, self-compassion, because we can't get anywhere in our relationship to ourselves if we don't exercise a little bit of self-compassion, okay?
00:02:30
Speaker
So let's go back to where it all started. Okay, so like I did with the others, this is the LinkedIn or Tinder bio that i've had that I would have for our type fours.
00:02:42
Speaker
It would be, I am fundamentally different and something is missing. Okay, type four children are... deeply sensitive, right? They notice emotional nuance, they feel things super intensely, and they pick up on tone, energy, subtle shifts in connection. And a lot like the type twos, we can also get a lot of empaths here. That isn't obvious already. but instead of feeling consistently mirrored or understood, many fours experience a kind of like ah an emotional mismatch, if you will. It's not always like pure neglect or major trauma. Let's remember that. Regardless of the background, the core issue remains for every single Enneagram type, okay? Okay.
Belonging and Identity Issues
00:03:27
Speaker
But for the fours, it's a sense of being um unseen, being misunderstood, or being just slightly out of sync with their environment.
00:03:37
Speaker
And from that, a belief forms. Other people seem to belong, and I don't. right that That's kind of what they start believing. as they move about through their childhood and therefore life. So fours often grow up with a persistent feeling that they're somehow different from their parents. And many type fours in past Enneagram research projects, actual um fantasies of being switched at birth, like secretly adopted or that they didn't quite belong in their own family, not in like a dramatic literal sense, but in that quiet lingering sort of way of thinking, like, how did I end up here?
00:04:16
Speaker
And they frequently express this as a feeling of not being fully like quote seen or recognized by their parents as if something essential about them was just missed. And the connection may have been there on the surface, but emotionally it just didn't quite land. It didn't really hit the mark there.
00:04:34
Speaker
So in psychological terms, fours often experience a lack of accurate mirroring. Allow me to elaborate. So meaning their real qualities, emotions, and identity weren't consistently reflected back to them in a way they could internalize. And as a result, the four begins to assume that the disconnect must be coming from within instead of thinking, maybe I wasn't fully understood. The belief becomes something must be wrong.
00:05:02
Speaker
with me. Which, girl, it's so undrew, babe. But this launches the type four into a lifelong search for
The Search for Missing Pieces
00:05:11
Speaker
identity. A deep ongoing question of if if I don't see myself reflected in the people closest to me, then who am I? oh And over time, this orientation naturally draws their attention toward what feels absent or incomplete. They begin to scan for what's missing in themselves and their relationships and in their lives overall. And the emotional tone becomes one of longing as if something is essential is just barely out of reach. And underneath it all is this sense of having been misunderstood or emotionally abandoned first by their parents, and then later by the important people they encounter throughout their lives, which yes, we will get into.
00:05:58
Speaker
So some fours do obviously grow up in clearly difficult environments shaped by divorce, illness, or just different forms of disruption or trauma, while others come from homes that on the surface appear stable and uneventful.
00:06:12
Speaker
But regardless of circumstances, there is often a similar internal experience that they don't quite see themselves reflected in their parents. Even in the supportive environments, healthy environments, fours may feel that their parents didn't fully recognize who they actually were or what, or sorry, that, or that what was mirrored back to them just felt off. a little bit ah little bit of wordplay there.
00:06:40
Speaker
So not only did it feel off, it just felt incomplete or just strangely, in a weird way, impersonal, if that makes sense. So the guidance they received, like advice, reactions, expectations, often seem directed toward a more generic version of a child, not toward them as individuals. It's like being given directions that technically make sense, but don't quite apply to the terrain that you're standing on. Does that...
00:07:06
Speaker
Does that make sense? So without a clear sense of being accurately seen or understood, fours are left without solid in ah sorry they're left without solid external reference points for identity.
00:07:20
Speaker
So they turn inward. Their feelings, imagination, and inner world become the primary place where they begin to make sense of who they are. And instead of building identity through reflection, they built it through interpretation, drawing from emotional, sorry, their emotions, fantasies, and personal meaning as they try to piece together a sense of self that feels true to them. Sounds a little complicated, doesn't it
00:07:52
Speaker
But because their early relationship with their parents often felt marked by disconnection, fours begin to form a sense of identity around how they are different from from other people. And with few qualities in their parents,
00:08:07
Speaker
that feel relatable or reflective of who they are, they start to take note of all the ways that they don't quite fit in. How their emotions, perspectives, or sensitivities seem unlike the people around them. You starting to piece all this together? But over time, this awareness of difference becomes more than observation. It becomes a core part of how they define themselves.
Uniqueness and Fear of Losing Self
00:08:33
Speaker
And their sense of identity begins to organize around being distinct. separate and just set apart.
00:08:40
Speaker
And so as this pattern deepens, many fours come to strongly protect and even rely on this sense of uniqueness. It becomes one of the most stable reference points they have for who they are. And because of this, the idea of being, you know, ordinary, whatever, can feel unsettling, maybe even threatening to some people, as if blending in would mean losing themselves entirely.
00:09:06
Speaker
And at the same time, there's this underlying tension that while they hold tightly to their differentness-ness, They often feel a quiet envy to people who just seem comfortable living more typical, boring, if you will, grounded lives. And they may long for that ease and belonging, even as part of them resist it, like unsure of who they would be without the identity of being different. Does that make sense?
Struggles with Emotional Intimacy
00:09:35
Speaker
So instead of adapting outward like type threes, which is the wing of the four, or focusing on others like twos, fours adapt by identifying with their difference, right? They begin to define themselves by what they lack, what feels incomplete, and just what's absent.
00:09:53
Speaker
And slowly this becomes the identity of, I am the one who feels deeply. I am the one who doesn't belong. I am the one who is missing something. all right, so we're going to pause here like we did with everybody else. We're going to do a little reflection prompt. You can journal about this, which I highly encourage, but if you're driving or whatever, just think about it to yourself. So pause here and ask, when did I first feel different? However you want to define that.
00:10:19
Speaker
And then what kind of emotional connection did I long for as a child And then lastly, what did I believe I didn't have that others did? Okay, give that one a think. And yeah, let me know what you come up with.
00:10:37
Speaker
Okay, so how does this wound show up in adulthood? How does how is it relevant to who you are now in your life? It's basically longing as a lifestyle. In adulthood, this childhood wound shows up as chronic pain.
00:10:53
Speaker
longing, a sense that something better is just out of reach. um Other people have something that you don't. Life is always almost what you want, but not quite, right? Just barely there. And so as a result of this early wound and the patterns that form around it,
00:11:13
Speaker
Poors often respond intensely to people who seem to offer the mirroring that they long for, right? The feeling of being truly seen, understood, and appreciated for who they are, which is a very human thing to want. Don't get me wrong. But on a deep level, Fours are searching for the nurturing presence that they feel they miss, whether that takes the form of a mother, father, friend, boyfriend, or simply someone who reflects them accurately and consistently, right? And when they encounter someone who seems to offer this, they may idealize them, experiencing them as a kind of emotional savior, white knight in shining armor, right? Someone who will finally provide the connection that they've been missing.
00:12:01
Speaker
But, as one can expect, this dynamic can and will shift quickly. And when when the other person inevitably falls short, as all humans do, the four may feel deeply disappointed, hurt, or even angry, as if something essential has been taken away from them. It can feel less like a just a simple misunderstanding and more like a confirmation of their original wound, right? You see that pattern? And in this pattern, this other person becomes the source of love, beauty, and emotional fulfillment, which are qualities the four often struggles to recognize within themselves. Oh, don't do that.
00:12:46
Speaker
But this creates both a longing to be completed by the other and an underlying fear of being abandoned by them. And because of this, relationships can take on an all or nothing intensity. And those who evoke ah strong emotional reactions, whether it's through connection, longing, or disappointment, they feel deeply significant.
00:13:08
Speaker
Meanwhile, on the opposite side, people who don't activate this emotional charge for the four may seem distant, flat, or just less meaningful as if without intensity, the connection itself just isn't real to the four.
00:13:23
Speaker
Does make sense? But in short, um in relationships, the fours have a deep desire for emotional intimacy. There's a fear of being misunderstood or abandoned, idealizing people, and then feeling disappointed, right? They're testing connection connections, even unconsciously. and I want to expand on that one because fours often feel uncertain about their identity. and They can end up playing an emotional game of hide and seek in their relationships. They're pulling back, going quiet, or becoming hard to read while secretly hoping that someone will notice their absence and come looking for them, right? That knight in shining armor, you know? It can look, um,
00:14:06
Speaker
It can look like not texting first or withdrawing when someone feels off or posting something vaguely emotional and waiting to see who reaches out on Instagram, right? And there's that quiet hope underneath it all that if someone really sees me, they'll confine me without having to explain anything at all whatsoever. but And fours, if you can't tell, often try to maintain a sense of mystery, not in a calculated or manipulative way, but in a way that feels um protective and meaningful. They want to be intriguing enough, deep enough, different enough that someone will be drawn in and finally recognize them on a profound level.
00:14:49
Speaker
And there can be an unconscious belief that the right person will... quote, get it without needing much explanation, like an emotional mind reader who shows up exactly at the right moment and says all the right things, which to be fair, I will say that sounds really awesome, right? But also it's a lot to ask of a regular person with a job and schedule and their own emotional needs, right? But this pattern tends to swing between two extremes for the four, self-concealment and intense self-revelation.
00:15:25
Speaker
One moment, the four may be guarded, distant, or hard to reach. Then the next, they're really deeply open, expressive, and emotionally vulnerable, and sometimes maybe all within the same week or Let's be honest, maybe even the same day. But this intensity can unintentionally overwhelm other people, especially when the expectation is that they will respond perfectly, consistently, and deeply at all times, right? And when they don't, again, because they're human, the four can feel let down, unseen, or even rejected, right? The toxic cycle begins. Right?
00:16:04
Speaker
But until fours become aware of this pattern, they can unknowingly push away the very connection that they're longing for. The desire to be deeply seen is real, invalid. But when it comes with unspoken ethos,
00:16:20
Speaker
sorry, unspoken expectations that others will intuitively know somehow, know how to meet every emotional need, relationships can start to feel strained. And recognizing this dynamic is an important, important step toward building connections that are not only deep like you want, but also grounded, mutual, and also sustainable, which is what we all want, right?
00:16:45
Speaker
And so um i had to really expand on the relationship part of things because I think that was really important for type fours to see how that shows up in your relationships to others, not just romantic ones, but friends as well. I did see this pattern personally myself with an old friend of mine and it inevitably did separate us, like push us apart. And now we're no longer talking. It was really sad because she's an amazing girl. But um yeah, it was just, I really wanted to touch on that. but So moving on internally for the four, this can show up in your current life as comparison.
Comparison and Longing
00:17:25
Speaker
Why don't they have what I don't? There's this melancholy or nostalgia, this pull toward intensity over stability. And it's the belief that if I had that, I'd finally feel whole.
00:17:39
Speaker
And so overall, the the tragedy of the type four is that they, the four spend too much time searching for what's missing, that they overlook what's already there. right, time for your homework, okay? Everybody's getting homework. You're not the only one, so deal with it.
00:17:58
Speaker
Do it. We all need a little bit of tough love here. Okay. First step for my fours, construct a routine. You can often wait for inspiration to strike in order to take action, but that is quite unpredictable and gives room for procrastination. And so arrange your routine.
00:18:23
Speaker
physical life, like your your living space and your schedule to set up your creativity to flourish, as well with your ah physical and mental health. What would that look like for you? a little structure can go a long way for you to free up your mind and your creativity. Because if you listen to the deep dive, you guys, you need, we need your creativity in the world. So please. All right, next step.
00:18:50
Speaker
I don't think you're going to like it, but ground yourself in reality. Fours, y'all tend to live in an emotional interpretation. if there's ab there's If there's just one thing, guys, if there's one thing that you take away from this episode, my my baby girls, Let it be this.
00:19:07
Speaker
Feelings are not facts. Feelings are powerful tools, yes, that can offer important information about your heart and yourself 100%. But they do not necessarily offer accurate information about the motivations and feelings of other people, okay? That, if you listened to the deep dive on the floor episode, I literally said, i think it was that exact sentence.
00:19:32
Speaker
And I'm going to keep repeating it until you get it, okay?
00:19:37
Speaker
So my fours, healing involves coming back to the body, the present moment, what is actually happening.
Grounding and Creative Pursuits
00:19:45
Speaker
Not just what it feel what it feels like is happening or what you feel like someone's motivations are.
00:19:52
Speaker
I get it. It will take daily practice for a little while to catch yourself in these moments. And when your emotions start to get really intense, let that be your cue to stop and self-reflect. Are you making assumptions about the situation or about someone's motivations?
00:20:09
Speaker
What is actually happening around you? And are you building an imagined story around it? Okay. Again, this will take time. This will take some time, love. Okay.
00:20:19
Speaker
Okay, thirdly, allow ordinary moments to be enough. Again, this will be another hard one. it can be hard for a lot of people in different ways. But just let life be simple. Let it be steady, even a little boring. Because healing isn't always intense. And there's beauty everywhere. There's beauty in the ordinary. There's beauty in the simplicity. Okay?
00:20:44
Speaker
Make it a daily practice to stop and quite literally smell the roses. where Wherever you are or whatever you're doing, take a moment and just look around you wherever you are at and just notice something beautiful near you. Honestly, like if you're an artist,
00:21:01
Speaker
This is great. And you carry around like your little sketchbook or something. Carry around little sketchbook and in the those ordinary moments, if you see an object or something that you just think is pretty, draw it.
00:21:14
Speaker
That's beautiful, okay? But with that, with grounding yourself in the here and now and letting life be boring, this doesn't mean you have to throw away all your creative goals and have a really boring life. In fact, you need to pursue them again, like I said, because that's where you will shine. So stop daydreaming about them or telling yourself that you don't have the right tools or resources to pursue your dreams. Daydreaming about your creative dreams is self-defeating. Go for it, girl.
00:21:45
Speaker
All right, my loves, that is the episode. I feel like we just bed right through that. so um But don't worry, we're going to be getting into a lot more. We're only just getting started over here.
00:21:56
Speaker
But let me know if this resonated with you. um and I'd love to hear your thoughts. um Also, don't check to Don't forget to check out the new website, which will be um there in the show notes. And as always, thanks for being here and supporting this little venture of mine. And of course, for taking care of yourself and creating a better
Reassurance and Returning to True Self
00:22:15
Speaker
life.
00:22:15
Speaker
So in closing, my fours, you are not missing something. you were never incomplete and the feeling of lack was learned, not inherent. You were never meant to spend your life searching for the missing piece. You were never meant to feel like the exception. You were never meant to carry the belief that something is wrong with you.
00:22:38
Speaker
You are not incomplete. You are not too much. You are not too different to belong. You don't need to find yourself. You need to come back to yourself, okay?
00:22:49
Speaker
Until next time, stay with yourself. Bye.