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Forkers 1-6: Unprotected Integration
154 Plays1 year ago
EARLY RELEASE CUZ I FELT LIKE IT. (I promise this never happens)
Bx05 fools around with Chorgan Mneeman and is freaky scary now,
Baxter spends way too much time online gaming, and Sasha convinces a pirate to take a shower
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Transcript
Introduction and Character Setup
00:00:00
Speaker
You ready for a theme song? Hang tight. 12 to belong. Hold up and keep your socks on. Get ready for the fork and theme song. All right. Pardon me, do you have to break the pond? Don't get ready for the fork and theme song. Can't remember if I left the oven hot. Get ready for the fork and theme song. No time to run, America. Gotta end them by the fork and theme song. Here we go. All right, I got a sneeze coming now. Fuck. Just as I hit the, wait.
00:00:33
Speaker
No, I didn't come out fuck it's gonna come out when I don't want to do All right. Anyway, good morning. Good afternoon and good evening ladies gentlemen non-binary folks if universe is unknown and known this is role players and welcome back to The forkers or you guys aren't the forkers. Are you you're just forkers? I think kind of like how we're not the role players. We're just more there's more other forkers We just don't think
00:00:53
Speaker
Right. So welcome back to Forkers, episode six, six. I think it's six this episode, this episode. And so we have our same usual people here playing BX five and Sasha Rock and Baxter Champion. Nothing we're going on here. And last time, Justin, what happened last time we went to plotland, right? We went to the movies. What did you do with the movies?
00:01:22
Speaker
We was in the movie. Sasha Rocket slash Cass, you want to you want to sing shot, right? I got a new catchphrase and I go slingshot and I shoot my fire bolts all over with my amazing slingshot. And I became the bestest actress in the whole world.
00:01:50
Speaker
It was good. You guys got to a red carpet event. You guys saved the movies from crashing and affected all other worlds that were nearby that needed that movie to be successful.
Recap of Past Events
00:02:02
Speaker
It was a good time. Perry Schmeckle was around. BX5 got some new merch. Baxter got to be a director. And yes, Asha got a catchphrase in the movie, so it was all great.
00:02:16
Speaker
You guys are back on the ship after you guys got paid in your cryptocurrency after leaving Flatland. You guys are back on Chorgen Memen. What is Sasha up to you?
Sasha's Virtual Reality Adventure
00:02:32
Speaker
Oh, you know, she's over there back in that game trying to hug that dragon. She is going to be on that quest. I forgot about how to hug your dragon. You're back in the VR headset? I've got Frank with me and we're going to get that dragon. Right. Okay. So what level are you on now?
00:02:58
Speaker
Um, let's see. We're on like level four now. We've been like really like trying to get that. We've hugged so far. The dinosaur in the beginning. I got to hug a wolf and a unicorn. A real live unicorn. He just like showed up out of nowhere. I mean, I just, I, maybe I just imagined it or something. This is her telling Baxter and Baxter sitting in the chair like,
00:03:28
Speaker
blank face he's like oh my god he's like he's like on his own like typing it with his toes yeah that's interesting i am i am listening to not look down below my waist for the usual reasons
00:03:43
Speaker
So everybody knows level four is the desert world, the desert level. And so you're in there and you just see a bunch of cacti, tumbleweeds and sand as far as the eye can see. And you're looking for the next creature to hug to make your way to hugging a dragon. What does Sasha do to find the dragon?
00:04:03
Speaker
Mm, she's gonna like pull out like her binoculars that she has that are virtual and she's gonna look around to see if she can find her dragon cave somewheres. All right, try and notice Roll to see if Sasha Rocket can find the creature of this level, Tog. Okay. You're not doing it again. Big sandstorm picks up in game.
00:04:29
Speaker
Oh, god damn it, I swear to God, I'm going to get this goddamn dragon someday. You hear a voice, you hear a voice somewhere, you're like, grab here, grab here. Where did that come from? You feel like something you
BX5's Malfunction and New Mission
00:04:44
Speaker
feel like something jumps on your foot. What? You look down during the sandstorm, you see a little horny toad and he's sitting on your he's sitting on your boot. Oh, hello, Mr. Toad. What's up?
00:04:59
Speaker
Do you need a hug? Always. She reaches down and tells him. You give him a hug. I need you to roll. Can you roll? What the fuck? What the fuck is the rolls? You know, every time we play this game, I forget what your main stats are because we never roll them. Can you roll a vigor roll, please? Sure.
00:05:24
Speaker
13. You feel as you hug this horny toad, he turns into a handsome half-folk prince. And you feel invigorated by the squeeze of this once deformed horny toad man as he gives you a hug and you get extra bonus points in this level. And he says,
00:05:50
Speaker
Thank you for freeing me from my frightening predicament. I bestow upon you this. And he holds out his hand and you see like pixelated inside of his hand is like a little carrot. He says, use this in the next world to help find your next creature. You will find your dragon. I'm gonna find my dragon.
00:06:14
Speaker
I mean, it'll help. I mean, I don't know for sure. She doesn't hear any of that. She looks down at Frank and is like, did you hear her, Frank? I want to find the dragon. Frank's like, oh my god, just move on. I got sand in my craw. Me too. She starts pulling at the back of her pants.
00:06:35
Speaker
And you see and you in it like as you're like staring down like there's just like you hear like the want want want of this guy the buggers like I'm saying yes, like it's just like a little bit of help like So so you get your bonus carrot that'll help you find the creature in the next level of how to find your dragon how dog your dragon and
00:07:01
Speaker
Oh, snap. So while you're doing that back stair, are you still sitting next to Sasha playing, you know, fucking around or what is he doing? When I met her while she's playing that,
Mission to Pirate Planet 'Scurvy Dog'
00:07:10
Speaker
he's not as many as a separate time where she's telling him her stories. Yeah. And now that she's going, she's only a good dude going to go below, thank God. He goes over to his little cubby and sits on his little bunk.
00:07:22
Speaker
And I think, hmm, I want to research maybe for now if there's either the things I can buy or just things I can learn about something that you and I talked about, I'm off screen from the last time I threw my, back to through his sort of that one guy and he was really, he really didn't like having to go get it out of him. He's hoping he can get like some sort of like sort of thing where it comes back to him and or it can follow like targets he makes.
00:07:51
Speaker
Kind of like kind of like what the fuck is that? What's a dude's name in Guardians of the Galaxy with the arrow? Murrow Dixon. Yeah, Merle Dixon. That's right. Kind of like his arrow. He whistles and it just kind of goes and slays a bunch of dudes. Yeah, he's kind of cool. If you kind of had like a yo-yo like a bungee string on your sword that you could throw it and then like whip it back. Oh my God, that would be awesome.
00:08:17
Speaker
He's looking at his little device. He's like, hmm, there are a lot of phasing teleportation things. There are a lot of them. But this little bungee, that's pretty inexpensive. I could make this work. So you're going to order a bungee from Glamazon? Order this retractable mechanical bungee.
00:08:35
Speaker
Yeah, it's only like $2.50. I want the extra for instantaneous teleportation delivery. I don't want to see anybody. Yeah, you showed up and you get a notification on your phone like it's been left outside in the airlock.
00:08:50
Speaker
I said do not reply. This is a landline, please do not reply to this. Go get the bungee. You get the bungee and you're going to do a little bit of a science on your sword to try to make it into a bungee sword.
00:09:07
Speaker
Yeah, I get it out of the box where it comes in and I put the box back into the airlock and I inject it out into space. There's already a bunch of trash out there. It's OK. I say it in that way in particular. Somewhere there's like, you know what? You have to remind me, I have to make a garbage island planet because of all the trash is floating around in space. OK, so why don't we have you roll like a research roll, maybe? Or is it repair? What do we do? Was it repair? I did repair last time I fucked with it. Yes, let's do repair.
00:09:35
Speaker
Okie dokely. Eroshumi Shoki. Here I go. Don't forget you guys start with your Benjamins as usual. Although, what's his name? E.X. 5 doesn't have his third name. Well, I gotta go all the way down on this row. I rolled a four? You got a four. Good job. This is kind of harder than I thought it would be.
00:09:53
Speaker
Yeah, instructions run clear. What did I put? Damn it, I sent them out with the damn box. Morgan, can you detect where the box went with your tentacles? Can you pick it up? Is it gone? I mean, I could. I just don't feel like it. I mean, Chorgan. I don't feel like it today. That's understandable. That's why I'm getting this bungee. I didn't feel like reaching for the thing anyway. It's my self-care day. Oh, all right.
00:10:19
Speaker
Speaking of, I thought I heard you and BX were doing something really weird. What? No, you didn't? No. No, don't plug that in there. Oh, come on now. You're still talking. I don't know. Why are you? I'm not playing anything in. So as you're as you're you kind of see your lights flicker in the ship a little bit like like while while you're doing that and then you roll high enough. I'm trying to work. Hello.
00:10:43
Speaker
Open the lights, open the rave. So yeah, you have yourself a little bungee. I'd say because you rolled the floor, it's nothing like super spectacular, but it works. It probably gives you a probably about, I don't know, I'd say like the average bungee is probably like what, like two and a half, three feet long. And it could probably stretch to probably five or six with a little bit of force or stretchiness. So you could probably with enough strength, probably whip that bad boy a good five feet and stab it into somebody and then pull it back.
00:11:09
Speaker
All right, this is all right. And if there's something I'll have to just go get it, I guess. Yeah. And then you can you can always add to it. You can always like find better materials and make it longer or find better technology if you want to make it better. But I think that's pretty cool to have like a bungee sword. That's pretty sweet. Yeah. So as you're working on that here. Hey, guys, can somebody come and check on BX five? I think I might have went a little too hard.
00:11:45
Speaker
So Sasha, you got to go check on VX5? Does she hear him out of the VR? Oh yeah, you would definitely hear the overhead speakers, like it's louder than your game for sure.
00:11:57
Speaker
Okay, so yeah, she'll come. Yeah, like you actually you see just like a little notification across your little goggles that just says like alert. Baxter is doing something naughty. Yeah. So yeah, so
00:12:13
Speaker
As you come out onto the what's the main part of the ship or the flight deck, I guess you
Ship Transformation and Crew's Mission
00:12:20
Speaker
guys come up, you see that BX5 is like kind of like down on his knees and like his heads kind of drooped over a little bit. And you see, there's like one of those secret attachable parts that he talked about before plugged in from like his backside area, like into like one of the ports of Jurgen Miemens. Yes, on his knees.
00:12:44
Speaker
I just read the chat. I don't know why I know you can't see that on his knees. Yes, I was on his knees in front of Chorgen Memen's flight deck. I didn't think I would say out loud. And he's he's incapacitated and you hear Chorgen Memen's like. I told him it wasn't safe, OK, he wanted to go without.
00:13:13
Speaker
The firewall. So can somebody get him unplugged from me, please? Oh, yeah, I'll help you with that. She'll run over there and unplug it. Oh, thank God. Yeah, I'm going to need to fly through some sort of rainstorm to shower myself off. I saw there was like a spaceship wash, like a few planets over. I bet we could go over there. Yeah, I might need to do a little drive through. I'm a little sticky if you catch my dream.
00:13:44
Speaker
What did you do, Baxter? Stop saying my name. I'm not involved. That's BX you're talking to. I don't know why Darby put me with a robot named the same as me pretty much, but here we are.
00:13:57
Speaker
The X5, your lights turn back on. You kind of see your your booting sequence come back up and you see that there is a little half folk woman standing in front of you, a little mask over her face and a slingshot on her side. And she's like, she has one of your plugs in her hand. What do you do? Good, good, good, good, good morning, recruits. Are you ready for adventure?
00:14:32
Speaker
Oh, I think we have a problem. What's wrong with your voice, BX? Nothing is wrong with me. Are you ready for the next step in your initiation? Initiation? She looks at Baxter and shrugs. What?
00:14:53
Speaker
Oh, I knew I didn't know what to come down here. What is... I'm BX, you alright? I am fine! And you are my first recruits on my mission to destroy all organics. That is the shot of Charlie Day and that one maybe where he gives a thumbs up and he walks away.
00:15:16
Speaker
All right, that was good to me. Let's go to our wheel to go. Great. I think it rotates to follow Baxter. Everything is fine. I am normal.
00:15:29
Speaker
Mm-hmm. You see, yeah, so you just follow back through the chimp. And you hear Torgen meme was like, you know what, I'm sure it'll blow over in like an episode. So, you know, maybe, maybe just go do a mission, take your mind off it while I go get clean. Torgen, for the last time, stop referring to us as if we're a show you're watching.
00:15:53
Speaker
It's all I've got going on in my life. We actually never have introduced you to boobtube. Now that's all you think about it. Everything is a show, a video for you to watch. You guys are the best entertainment. I want this to go viral. We did that once. We're done with that now with our movie stars. We don't need viruses anymore. All right. Pick whatever mission you want to do next and I'll give you the report on the way. Okay. You guys, you know, I've been thinking I really want to go to this pirate planet. That sounds pretty cool to me.
00:16:20
Speaker
Oh yes, that planet sounds like it has plenty of organics! Probably most of them seem like they do. Seems like there's a lot of life in space, it's really weird.
00:16:33
Speaker
Crush all detected organics. I got to say BX, I don't know what kind of videos you've been watching lately, but I'm kind of liking your new attitude. I had Morgan show me the internet. Don't put that on me. Don't put that on me.
00:16:57
Speaker
Well, as long as you're not talking about Schmickel, that Schmickel guy is signed by me. Hey, Perry Schmickel is a god. How dare you? I dare his man say it anyway.
Pirate Planet Gaming Culture
00:17:08
Speaker
I downloaded something called a browser history. She's Sasha's standing there with her hands on her hips. And she's like, how to make a boob. It's I was trying to write bomb.
00:17:27
Speaker
I have to make a bomb. OK, so which mission do y'all want to do? You're going to go to Scurvy Dog?
00:17:35
Speaker
I'm you guys. What do you think? What about Sasha? I mean, how about you? That sounds like a blast. I can still like be a pirate. Hold on. And she runs back to her cabin and like trunk that she has in her cabin and pulls out a pirate costume. I like how Sasha is always ready for every world. She's like, wait, wait, I have an outfit for this. Wait.
00:17:58
Speaker
Yeah, she's ready for everything. And then she takes like where her, like the strap that goes across, you know, that holds like the pirate, like little satchel off to the side that holds their, their sword. She straps Frank right there. She like, she like hasn't like in the, like in the, in the, in like held onto her by the scabbard or whatever.
00:18:19
Speaker
Yeah. That's cool, I guess. Is there anything that you want to prepare before you go to Disturb Your Dog? I'm going to go to get my space suit on, and I'm going to get my helmet as well. For SEGA convenience, can we say that I have a cool MCU nano helmet that I don't have to carry around a big fat helmet all the time? You mean kind of like Star Lord's helmet? I just go beep, and it goes boop.
00:18:44
Speaker
Sure. Oh, yeah, that's that's that's harmless. I have some like space air tanks I can take the way if I go underwater and this on a tireship planet, I can breathe air. Yeah, you have you have what's called time air. Nice. Yeah. Oh, no. You know what? Let's call it temporal air.
00:19:00
Speaker
Oh, temporary, temporary layer here. Yeah. So like, you know, once they put it in your little tubes, it just keeps recycling itself from other time periods. So it's just borrowing air from other parts of time that don't need as much of it. So you never run out. I think that sometimes somewhere there is somebody who has lost their breath through that. And I'm thinking I'm thinking the way you're literally taking their breath away.
00:19:24
Speaker
In a wholesome way like I like to think yeah Yeah, some asthmatic persons having the worst day of their life because of their breathing This whole chronosphere because the chronosphere exists so people can have asthma that's really what The X and say BX do you want to get your little dancing shoes you always take with you or whatever? Oh, yeah, he does take his dancing shoes a lot. Oh
00:19:49
Speaker
There's something you want to do there, big boy? BX5, is there anything that you want to go and try to find in BX's room to go and take with you? Do you want to take his dancing shoes? Those things seem unnecessary for my current mission. Oh, shit. I do like BX. You are really getting back on my good side here. Is there anything that you think BX5 would try to grab aside from his blasters that he usually takes? Yeah, if he has, like, weapons because he, you know, mission algorithm.
00:20:17
Speaker
Mission algorithm processing, please obtain all equipment necessary for the destruction of organic material." He acquires his blasters. Yeah, he has his blasters. There's also probably some cutlasses you can grab that he probably ordered from Glamazon. I believe he comes out with every weapon that is in the room.
00:20:41
Speaker
Yeah, he probably is like, everything's getting nice to his body. Yeah, he gets a knife, forks, spoons. Oh, there's a pizza cutter. Oh, that's been required. Tactical percentage increased by 35%. VX, I just understand. I'm going to see if I was making something in the back with some of the cleaning supplies we had. I'm going to see if it turned into a viscous acid that can burn flesh. That'll destroy some organic material. Am I right? I'm right. I'm going to see if I didn't.
00:21:10
Speaker
I didn't do it. Oh, it melted through. Thankfully the ship healed the hole it made it. This current face is unable to smile. And then you see like a very robotic thumbs up. I appreciate your delayed enthusiasm, but I have failed at my experiment. I like that he has like a sensory delay. There's like some latency between like the responses.
00:21:40
Speaker
You would have seen the head like kind of tilt back like you would have heard that. This platform is unable to smile. So he's covered head to toe with like kitchenware and like utensils and shit and Baxter tries to bring some sort of acid, but he doesn't. Do you bring blub blub or no? Or is it blub blub or blub blub? I always forget. Is blub blub.
00:22:04
Speaker
So you leave Blub Blub at home? He stays there in his little dish. Blub Blub. He's probably got a little, he's probably got a little like. Like a terrarium. Four by four, like little glass boxes in for now. Okay, so Chorgan Meeman, as you guys are prepping, he flies you guys towards Scurvy Dog, and he reads out your mission brief.
00:22:26
Speaker
Scurvy Dog, a world that evolved in many ways but travel is still predominantly on the water. Your mission is in Scurvy Dog. They have reached a new point in their technological evolution with the invention of Wi-Fi. Everyone has become complacent and lethargic. Boats rarely leave their docks and pirates just float endlessly while playing on their phones and playing online.
00:22:48
Speaker
Even the most famous pirate, Captain Morgan Freeman, has fallen into a drunken stupor. You must reinvigorate his spirit and show the world that piracy and adventure are still alive and well. That sounds pretty cool. Yeah, it's pretty rad.
00:23:08
Speaker
I like that movie a lot. I saw it on the Chronosphere. Hopefully nothing bad ever happens to that Johnny Depp guy. I haven't caught up with all my history of Earth yet. Yeah. Anger turd. Yeah, Pirates of the Chronosphere is playing soon.
00:23:30
Speaker
They have a bunch of budget like knock-off movies. It's like on the Amanda show where they're like, this isn't George of the jungle. It's George from jungle. It's better. Much better.
00:23:44
Speaker
I don't know any better, so they're pretty cool, I think. I missed the Amanda show, man. That shit was a shit. Bring in the Dancing Lobsters. Get over here, get over here, get over here. You idiot! So, Jorgen Memen grabbed you guys with his tendrils and- Wait, don't grab us. I've had a thought, Jorgen. Okay. You're a giant squid ship. We're going to a water planet. We can scare some pirates with a giant squid ship thinking it's a Kraken.
00:24:12
Speaker
Roll a... Roll a persuasion against Torgund Miniamen. You have his attention. He rolled a three, so close. Oh no. Do you want to try to help him? I'll help him. You know, that's not a bad idea. We do have the advantage. I mean, yeah, once you roll a persuasion as well, and depending on how you roll, you can add a one or a two to his roll.
00:24:38
Speaker
You roll a standard success, that'll give them a plus one. Yep, there you go. That'll do it. So it's a four. And Chorgan just, there's like a long pause for a second and you can kind of just hear like those old school internet nineties, like.
00:24:55
Speaker
I'll do it. It sounds great as hell. So for the first time ever, Chorgen Minivan goes down to the planet with you and fucking you guys just enter the atmosphere like a goddamn missile. Then you hear, he's like, watch this shit. And then you hear.
00:25:20
Speaker
And you guys fucking splash down into the fucking into the ocean. A big old tidal wave comes, destroys several coastal cities. And you guys, you guys float back up and you're in the pretty much the magic school bus version of Chorgan Memeny. It's kind of like a ship. And like it comes up and it like the top kind of like falls down a little bit.
00:25:45
Speaker
And then like the top disappears and you guys are in kind of like a boat looking form. You guys are floating on the sea. And you see his little tendrils like you're kind of like kind of sputtering water behind you as he pushes you guys through the water. Intimated casualties over 35000. This is an excellent start.
00:26:10
Speaker
Oh, only 35 gang. This is an excellent start. And then you just see he just like turns to the nearest wall of the ship and like high fives it like hard, just like. So he's like, all right, just, you know, I'm just going to let y'all drive from here. Just pick where you want to go. You got to go find Captain Morgan Freeman.
00:26:41
Speaker
Just so you know, BX remains in that position, like hand in wall. Perfect. So it's like an infinite high five. Yeah, like animation like that was it at the last. Wake me up when it's time for the destroy or organic life. Yeah, exactly. I am liking BX's new attitudes. It's really weird.
00:27:09
Speaker
I can't wait for I can't wait for people to hear this. Adrian Adrian's doing such a good job staying in a new voice character.
00:27:22
Speaker
It's fucking crazy. Yes, he is. I can't even believe it's Adrian's voice. I really wanted to put in practice because you guys put in so much work. We've been asking you for months to try, so we really appreciate you finally working on something. Thank you for seeing that. I really appreciate that. How many degrees is it in Germany right now, Adrian?
00:27:47
Speaker
I know that. You know that. Nobody needs to go over the math of the daily weather in this place that I totally live. How many degrees Celsius is it over there? Oh yeah, like 20 degrees Celsius. What kind of money is the average?
00:28:05
Speaker
Oh, so it's pretty cool over there today. That's nice. OK, good. Yeah, yeah. We're totally not experiencing a heat wave of any kind. It's totally fine. So you guys splash down. Jorgen Miniman makes you guys into a little magic school bus boat because he can do that. And so you tell you to go find Captain Morgan Freeman who's taken the helm of the ship. Also, it turns into like one of those big old one of the one of the wheels called on a ship. He doesn't turn into a ship. We're going to keep him as a squid so he can terrify people.
00:28:35
Speaker
Oh, he still has his squid parts. He can still terrify people with his tentacles when you guys get close.
00:28:42
Speaker
I feel like I see it like going through the water like a normal ship with two tendrils at the back like kicking it like humans legs kicking and then like the rest of them just like extending out like a crazy
Meeting Captain Morgan Freeman
00:28:55
Speaker
like weird octopus just like oh like who I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you
00:29:13
Speaker
I mean, like, you idiot, the Kraken's like one of the highest grossing gamer YouTubers on this planet. Like, he's not going to be terrorizing people. He's got to keep his K.D. score up. So as you guys are kind of so who's taking the helm, first of all, Sasha, Sasha Rock is on the drive.
00:29:35
Speaker
So now you're driving on the water. Yeah. So Baxter, what are you doing while BX is high-fiving the ship and she's driving? I guess I'm going to try and get in touch with the local internet and find out where I can find people. All right.
00:30:01
Speaker
All right. So while you're once you do what I guess we could call that just like a general. Sure. Let's call electronics. Why not? You don't get to use that a lot a lot. So I'm using my electrical device. Don't worry. I've got the four. It's the average. So why you're doing that, Sasha? Are you driving anywhere while he's researching where Captain Morgan Freeman's going or is?
00:30:25
Speaker
And she's going to like look for the first like big city port that they find.
00:30:33
Speaker
Uh, yeah, your GPS shows that there's one at about two nautical clicks distance on the water. Yeah. We're going to park a little bit away from the shore just so that like it could just sit there with, you know, the top line. So it still looks like a crack and just waiting for the next one so it could sit. Oh, I'm going to get you. No, I'm just kidding. Your GPS is like yarr and 500 peg legs. Take a right.
00:31:03
Speaker
Perfect. She looks back at Baxter. You know, it's so wonderful that I already had this outfit because look at me, I have the perfect role for this movie to be driving this ship.
00:31:19
Speaker
I'm still on my thing, looking at like, yes, it's really great. I'm Yup, you're hot. It is very amazing. I was going to say, the screen turns black and white for a second. You heard Chork and Mima's voice like, it wasn't a movie. In Sasha's delusional mind, everything was a movie.
00:31:41
Speaker
The movie was a movie, but now they're not in the movie anymore. I really fucked up her sense of like reality. She's like, oh, everything's a movie. I knew it. Well, that's her major hindrances. She's delusional. Right. Right. Yeah. So that just only fit into her delusions. Yeah. She's just like, everything's a movie, right? Guys, there's nothing as permanent. I have a costume for everything. It's fine. It's like it's like the assassin's motto. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
00:32:11
Speaker
So Baxter, you find so are you looking for more Captain Morgan Freeman? Like, how are you looking? What are you looking for exactly? How are you trying to find him? I'm just going to type his name in there and see what I can find. You see like a story comes up like on like.
00:32:27
Speaker
Top 10 failed pirates of 2022 or whatever. Yeah, you see you see a listing from lame ranks and they're just like, you know, in the number one, as you scroll through, you see is Captain Morgan Freeman, once the most famous pirate in all of Scurvy Dog. You know, there's like a story like, you know, he was once adamantly against, you know, Wi-Fi and the Internet and smartphones. And, you know, he would go raiding other people's homes. But
00:32:57
Speaker
Um, you know, people stopped caring once they got a whole lot of phones that could run without wifi. And so, and everybody just on the internet all the time and he just re, you know, and it just kind of goes on to say like, you know, he started kind of like terrorizing local bars and he'd get drunk and trash the place. And then he would just do that for a while. And now he just never leaves the ship. He's just constantly in a drunken stupor on the ship. Okay. Where to find.
00:33:22
Speaker
Captain Morgan Freeman's ship. He's like probably at one of the bars, like whatever in the local town or something. I bet you that's where we'd find him. I know that's where I used to find my father all the time. So, you know. What's the name of the town as you pull up into the you see, welcome to something. Let's see.
00:33:50
Speaker
Not, I wanted to say Tortuga because, but I'm going to say Tomatuga. Tomatuga. Tomatuga. Tomatuga. Yeah. All right.
Plan to Reinvigorate Pirate Spirit
00:34:01
Speaker
It says, welcome to Tomatuga. So, um, you, um.
00:34:08
Speaker
You see population 5,000, but then you see there's a guy, and he's splattering some squid ink all over it, and he's writing down now just 1,400 from the recent tidal waves.
00:34:36
Speaker
So you guys get there and you come to dock and he lets you off a little bit of a ways Chorgen Memen does. And then someone's like, oh, my God, is that a Kraken? Yeah, you better watch out. It's dangerous. Golly, I will try not to upset y'all. Yeah.
00:34:56
Speaker
The manner of speaking is upsetting me, so please. You know, there's, you know, not everybody, not everybody in a coastal town speaks like a pirate. I kept thinking about that. I was like, not everybody would be like, yeah. So BX5, are you done high fiving the ship?
00:35:24
Speaker
And would you like to do something other than the high five? It depends. Did somebody get me? Like, did somebody was like, all right, let's. Probably not. Sasha is already halfway down. Yeah, she's not. Yeah, she's on the bank. I'd be still where we got off. Like, what does Sasha walk away? I look back and ship like, what is the X? What are you? What's happening?
00:35:50
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So I think that's the one where it's like that pot, like a fly lands on BX5. And then when you call him, he just retracts the hand and then turns to come just like continuing mission. Okay.
00:36:24
Speaker
Just like walks past you while you're talking just kind of like I Look back at the ship and I'm like
00:36:32
Speaker
I shrugged. And Prince, where he's pulled his hand from the shed. You see, as you shrug, you see like two of the like two of the tendrils on Chork and Meemann kind of comes out the water and also goes in like a shrug position. And then another one goes up and starts rubbing where his hand was. It's a little that's a that's kind of smart. OK.
00:37:01
Speaker
So BX5, as you're walking across, following Sasha Rocket and walking ahead of Baxter, what would he be doing? Is he looking for something? Does he have a particular directive he's doing? I would like to search for all nearby organics, not under ally designation. Okay. Roll a notice roll, I guess.
00:37:29
Speaker
Not under ally designated. Well, under five. So you kind of start to do a little scan around of like different organics. You see some people are like, you know, you see the the gal that's like scrubbing off the sign. You see some people kind of, you know, doing some shipping work and stuff like that. And then you hear like you hear off in the distance, you hear, oh, man, come on, that's hacks. That's bullshit. What are you doing? You can't hack. That's not fair. My K.D.
00:37:59
Speaker
And that sends like a little red flag up on your signals to follow that. Yeah, designation. Designation is the origin of the signal. So BX5 goes walking through the town, finding the origin of this distress signal. So Baxter, while BX is kind of going off on his own, Sasha's kind of roaming into the town. What's Baxter doing?
00:38:28
Speaker
Oh, my God, these people. I look around for a banana stole. I mean, you do see actually there is some there are some like some cargo ships that are on the dock of people that are like unloading boxes onto the onto the docking area. So there's definitely if you can smell the sweet scent of some organic bananas over there.
00:38:56
Speaker
Like a little cartoon, I float over there. Did you see like, you see like one guy who's like fucking like drunk off his fucking ass on Grog is like rubbing his eyes like, is that monkey floating? What the fuck? Oh, did I engage anti-gravity? Sorry, mate. I smelled banana and I just euphoria hits me. Well, I get it. When I get a good banana, guess what? I won't kill you.
00:39:26
Speaker
And I'll tell her about it, but I did. I'll fire my ass. As you walk away. So yeah, you see a couple of folks that are like handing boxes to like a little chain of people hanging or handing stuff up onto the deck. And that's what you see. You see boxes and people handing them. What do you do?
00:39:48
Speaker
I am about to reach for my chrono wallet when I say, hold on, I had a pretty good time faking my way into the last one. So I'm going to go into it again. I pull out my little shitty little laminated card for the chronosphere.
00:40:04
Speaker
All right, everyone, this is Scurvy Dog Customs coming to check on the banana shipment here. We got something in there. Something is not supposed to be in there, an anti-banana or something, you know, that's not meant to be in with bananas. I'm looking for these. You see everybody's like, yeah, all right. And they just like drop the boxes and pull out their phones and just like walk off the ship and just like go sit on a couple of crates and just start playing on their phones. I go to my badge over there like...
00:40:33
Speaker
Well, they're walking right past you and just like, yeah, they're facing their phones or dialing away. They're playing games and you hear what? Another hacker. Come on. Oh, shit. So I imagine the box is a pretty big. I'm going to like reach up and over into one full banana. Take a bite. Do you know what? Just do what role would that be? Do an agility role, agility.
00:41:03
Speaker
The bananas are going to fight back. Wow. I got five. Yeah. As you pull a banana out, you hear like a and you see like a banana tries to bite you as you grab another banana. What the hell? Banana snakes. Hey, you guys, actually, I'm like, I'm good. There's banana snakes in your eyes.
00:41:25
Speaker
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? That's going to be a new screen named banana snake. That's cool. I like that. No, no, it's bad. You can't have banana snake in with the, I almost dropped a good banana. Oh, whatever. I am feeling better. I just saw that they released the latest patch for, for bananas gate three. And I was like, Oh yeah. All right. Cool. Right. It is banana related game.
00:41:50
Speaker
No one's paying attention to you being kind of see one of the guys sitting on a box playing on his phone. You see that like the logo is like BG3 and like there's like an arch over top of the BG3 and it's clearly a banana. What did you get that game? What did you get that? You just download on the app store. My God, stop. I look for it.
00:42:18
Speaker
You see you see bananas gate 3 latest patch update downloads on your phone. Nice. All right. This is pretty cool. Hey, thanks for the tip guy. Oh my god, stop. Jesus. You're gonna talk to me. Just find me in the game. Fuck. Oh, hey. Oh, do you know if who plays this game? Everybody. Oh my god.
00:42:44
Speaker
Do you sit down on a fox? I think about what your character looks like in Banana Gate 3 while I check in with the other characters. So Sasha, we haven't heard from you in a minute, where did Sasha go?
00:43:16
Speaker
So stupid. What are we doing guys? I don't know but it's so much fun. What are we doing?
00:43:28
Speaker
That was fucking big. This is so stupid. Sasha is looking for the first pub that she finds. What's the name of the pub? You find one easy. There's pubs everywhere in this place. So the first one will be. Hmm, let's see.
00:43:52
Speaker
Oh god, my fucking brain is just gone right now. It's called the dancing unicorn. There you go, the dancing unicorn. Yeah, you find the dancing unicorn. Justin just broke my brain. Yeah. He's like, oh shit, that guy. And he just sits down. So I'm playing on my fucking phone. I was like, blink, blink. What? Yeah, BX5 is about to go murder some people. And he's like, oh, good to play on my phone. Fuck it.
00:44:21
Speaker
So yeah, dancing unicorn. And you walk in and like you see that there is like on the in the background, there's a bunch of TVs everywhere and like it's like just like like what the fuck are those called? Like there's like professional gamer tournaments and shit like up on the.
00:44:40
Speaker
up on the screens. And everybody has a bunch of food and stuff, but nobody's taking their eyes off their phones whatsoever. As we're sitting there just playing on their phones. And like you see like, why I shouldn't say that whatsoever, like they'll do a little click, click, click, click, click, put their phone down, take a bite within five seconds, they can't help but pick their phone back up and start playing with it again. There's like a lot of that going on. Okay. Yeah.
00:45:02
Speaker
So Sasha's going to walk in and she's going to be in her her very awesome outfit. She's going to walk up to the bartender and she's going to be like, yo, what buttons? Excuse me. Oh, hey there. I'm just playing on my phone there. Wait one year.
00:45:25
Speaker
Yeah, so, like, I was wondering, first of all, could I get a sex on the beach? And also, I was looking for Captain Morgan Freeman. Oh, yeah, yeah, whatever. If you want to go have sex on the beach, just go out there and, you know, take a look there and go to be there. What?
00:45:46
Speaker
What? He looks like he's like, what'd you say? I'm looking for you. I'm looking for Captain to our game or Morgan. What do you care for an era? You just you know, we just he's just a what? We have a date.
00:46:11
Speaker
Oh, you gotta go. I've sucked on a beach area. It ain't good for you. I haven't had sex in five years. I'm sorry about that. Maybe you could join us. I mean, I'm all about the free love, you know.
00:46:21
Speaker
He throws his phone against the wall and shatters it. What'd you say? That's why we get people from being addicted. He just fucking footballs his goddamn phone against the wall. Before you know it, he's just wearing an apron. This is nobody beats pizza meat except for pizza. Oh my god.
00:47:05
Speaker
So there's free tap everywhere there's free beer on tap all over the place no one's like paying attention and Yeah
00:47:16
Speaker
You hear you hear somebody from like a local like from one of those stalls, not stalls, but what about booths nearby? And you see it was like a couple of people that are on like a date over there and they're both playing on their phones. One's like, oh, come the fuck on another hack. Are you kidding me? Oh, God, I just. Oh, this isn't even a competitive game. What the. What's the matter?
00:47:44
Speaker
And you're like, they don't even look up from their phone. They're just like, I just, and they start beating their phone on their table. She rips it off in front of them. What's the matter with you? Dude. Yeah, dude. I know I am. But what's the matter with you? Wow. I'm sorry, baby. I don't. I mean, like she's hot. Like she's a while back away. You're too steamy is what I mean. Sorry, babe. And she's like playing on her phone. Yeah, right. Yeah, she's hot. Cool. Yep.
00:48:12
Speaker
Yeah, you can't resist this snack. It's fine. Oh, I just got to the Banana Republic. She doesn't care. God, she got to the Banana Republic before me. Fuck. It'll be all right. There's a better banana for you anyway. I don't know what that means, but OK. What do you want? What's the problem? I'm looking for Captain Morgan Freeman. Oh, he's on his fucking boat.
00:48:37
Speaker
Where is it? Like right out the dock. He's on his boat. Well, can you like show me because I'm like looking for him? We have it like a thing that we have to do together. And like I just need directions. I'm new to town and I just got here. OK. Oh, you know what? His his ship looks a lot like a house. So it's really easy to miss if you're not used to it. We're just kind of all like we know what it looks like. But nobody goes in there. He doesn't come out like he just orders always food like to the to the dock.
00:49:07
Speaker
Like it's weird. I don't know where he poops. Well, I don't know where he does either because I haven't met him yet, and that's why I'm asking for directions. Yeah, he used to trash this place all the fucking time. And like he's like, he's like, you see, he's like doesn't realize he's doing it, but his hands intermittently like kind of like swatting at your hand to try to get his phone back. And he's just like, it's like, yeah, so like she sticks it down her shirt.
00:49:33
Speaker
Oh, that's rude. Baby, I mean, I have to. I mean, it's, you know, it's like, yeah, whatever you say, baby, I'm about to level up again. I'm going to go into the. You're going to pay attention to me for five seconds because you're like a little ferret. So just need your help for five seconds and you'll get it back. Oh, Perry Schmeckles in here. Oh, my God. What? And you're like, oh, come on, lady. Perry Schmeckles in the game. Come on.
00:50:02
Speaker
And he's like, what do you want? He's on his boat, dude. Come on. And he's like, just show me where he's at. And then I will have your hand. It just fucking runs out the door. It's like, just fucking come here. The God damn it. Look, there it is. And he points and they're just like, it's like a houseboat. And it's like it's a real it's pretty much a yacht is what it is. It's like it's this big old fucking like houseboat with like
00:50:29
Speaker
Like, I guess it used to be nice, but there's like spray paint all over it. And it's kind of dilapidated a little bit. And it was like a bunch of like old discarded boxes and bags like out in satchels, like on the dock near where he's at. Like he lives in there. He never comes out. Okay. Like, God, what do you want to talk to him anyways? He said, fuck, just get my phone, please.
00:50:47
Speaker
fine well thank you for your help and she like reaches all the way down and pulls it out and it comes out all sweaty hands it to him he like he like smells it he like just a real like a little gentle like yeah it's still good it's fine yeah you're gonna enjoy that later don't worry about it yeah yeah okay you know
00:51:11
Speaker
phone still hacked so that I mean your your breasts didn't fix that issue so but I mean like but hey thanks for the booby phone so yeah he shows you that and while he's showing you that let's cut over to our friend bx5 who is on a mission to find this signal that he was following bx5
00:51:32
Speaker
You're making your way through the town and you find yourself like near like a little diner and there is somebody sitting like at an outside table and he just looks super grumpy. He's fucking angry. And he's just like, come on. I don't understand. Like, what is the point? Like, just get good. Fuck. Come on. I go to stand directly over them and stare down at them silently. Eventually, like, like.
00:52:02
Speaker
He's like, hey, you know, no, sir, I don't want anything more. Thank you. You know, I'm just going to stay here for a little while. There's no rule that says I can't sit at your table for as long as I want. I'm going to use the bathroom later, so I'm still a customer. With my new experience with the internet because of Torgen Freeman, can I see where the signal is coming from and similarly download this app to my interface? Yeah, yes.
00:52:31
Speaker
BX five is going to have a game in his programing. I love that. I would say you don't even have to roll for that. That's probably pretty easy for BX five to do. There's like the signals fucking everywhere. So you automatically find the pin and you see bananas gate three that are that's available for download on the app store. OK. Yeah. Do you want to download banana gate three? Yes.
00:53:00
Speaker
It seems like it will help me in my aid to destroying organics. You download you download Bananas Gate three. What does your character look like? Did you have to make in the beginning? If I I make the most generic like person, like the default character with like a nice head. Yeah. What do you make your name? Not a robot, not a robot.
00:53:28
Speaker
And then you get, you see that name's already been taken. Please try again, not a robot zero zero one. Just numerically goes up until we find that it's not taken. Yeah. You find, you find not a robot zero zero zero four. Um, and, um, so then you sign in and you see a cover. Yes. You see, would you like to see the tutorial?
00:53:53
Speaker
Yes. All right. This is up here on your phone to walk. You see that? Yeah. And so it's like, shake your head twice to pull out your sword. Yes, I just like control. You just see he's like having like a whole like adventure, like just standing still staring down at this kid like like.
00:54:22
Speaker
Is do I detect any near not in game, but do I detect any other nearby organic life? Like in the the diner area? Oh, yeah, there's tons of people, but I will say, you know, do a notice role or, you know, a science role to see just to see if you can pick up anything. I feel like science is probably a good.
00:54:44
Speaker
That's a role for finding Wi-Fi signals, right? I'd say so. Okay. Uh, I don't have that. So then it would be, it would be an unskilled role is what you would write. Yep.
00:54:56
Speaker
And then if it, yeah. And then, well, so yeah, there's just too many. There's so many coming at you at once. So yeah, you roll the one. So like, there's just so many signals coming at you all at once. There's organic life everywhere and it's starting to overload you a little bit. There's just so many people. It's hard to tell who's friend and who's foe at this point.
00:55:15
Speaker
And it just started smoking, running the game. And you hear, would you like to reset? Have you tried turning off and on again? Yeah. You hear somebody else is just like.
00:55:32
Speaker
Not a robot zero zero zero four looks like a noob. I'm about to pone. Somebody wandered into the PVP area and you see you see in the game. Yeah, yeah, you see you see a guy like kind of walks up to you and he's like a big bulky fucking like big tusks mouth green big nose big like like pointy nose like scraggly hair. And he walks up to you in game and he goes,
00:56:02
Speaker
I'm going to kick your ass, kid. Program not found. I'm going to fuck your mom. Designation, fuck my mom, not found. He is reword the command. What are you talking about? I did your mom last night.
00:56:26
Speaker
Mission mom complete. You're playing the game wrong kid. This is not a game. You're ruining everything. It's not fun anymore. Silence. Friend request.
00:56:53
Speaker
Okay, fine. And then you get an invite to the guild. You get an invite to the guild that's called the new poners.
00:57:08
Speaker
New poners sounds like elimination of organics that you see like emote thumbs up. Very cool. You see, you see, he like starts like dumping a bunch of like very awkward animation, like just dropping a bunch of shit on the ground and gets, yeah, take this kid. This is endgame gear on that. You see like the heart emoji. Thank you for your donation to the cause.
00:57:38
Speaker
Oh yeah, it's cool. It's got parts of people. Loot, loot, loot, loot, loot. It's all like orange and purple gear. And then I just want to make a cool algorithm, algorithm analyze the probabilities of the guild and end game beer gear based on the averages. Yeah. You like, you like, you like fucking min max your character right away. And then you hear for a second ago.
00:58:07
Speaker
No, I'm not hungry! Mom! No! No, I just got a new member! Mom! No! Don't unplug the Wi-Fi, I'll come to dinner! Now you must destroy her. I'm just gonna leave my game on standby, okay? Don't anybody kill me.
00:58:50
Speaker
He just hold still and you're like
00:58:55
Speaker
Like in the back. And I think you just stand there for a second. And then just like one of those awkward, like move left, move right. Yeah. It's off in a different direction. Okay.
00:59:10
Speaker
So while you're doing that Baxter, let's go back to Baxter for that. We've done nothing in this episode. It's great. I love it so much. That's how those workers episodes go is like nothing gets done to like the last 10 minutes of the episode. Yep. Fucking hell. You know what? I'm going to I'm going to give you all of extra Benny because I think you guys are doing so much money. Shit. That's so funny.
00:59:36
Speaker
So funny, oh my God, I'm having such a good time. It was a blast. Gaster, what are you doing? So you sit down, you're on a box, you're playing on your phone in Banana Gate 3. Adrian, I'm so sorry that we took this long to play BG3 in the world for us. Yeah, you know how excited I was to do that. You live almost as much as you love K-pop girls, right, Adrian? Yeah, you know, confirm that because I am that person.
01:00:08
Speaker
Confirm that homie Confirm that homie a t-shirt
01:00:18
Speaker
Adrian, you sound like you have a cold. Where's your accent? Yeah, that's what happens when we get colds. We become very American. I knew it. I knew it. James. Because you sound like what we sound like when we're sick. I knew it. Yeah, every time I get a cold, I'm like, I'm chairman, and I don't know how to get this thing. I thought so.
01:00:44
Speaker
the backster you're on your you're in banana gate three what are you doing so you asked me what he was gonna look like um so he does the same literally the same thing that the robot does he just he just takes the default ball with um like guy in a t-shirt he's not a robot one you motherfucker
01:01:02
Speaker
It says insert username and it just there's like it says username and it's like that username is taken username 6 7 8 9 5 Random numbers go and then he spawns into the game and there's a guy near here next to him It looks exactly the same. It says not a robot 0 0 4 and and like not gonna talk to that guy He's probably a hacking the robots gonna scam you Yeah, and you kind of overhear the conversation as you're leaving the area just like
01:01:37
Speaker
You're just like it takes a while because you have like level one gear Just punch up one damage miss
01:01:48
Speaker
One damage. At least I go and I start looking up exploits and glitches and bugs to exploit to get levels up faster. You see one that's like Forbidden Hacks 5 and there's a website and you see there's a guy there named or the person who runs the website's name is like
01:02:12
Speaker
uh dirty beard and um dirty beard you see like the top five tricks for bg3 and one they don't want you to know about um
01:02:28
Speaker
And you see one that shows you like, oh, if you walk to this building and you hold in the forward button for 10 seconds, you'll glitch to the wall. You can get into the bank of rare items. Oh, I go back to my thing. Am I still punching that kid? Yeah. Yeah. He's about like a quarter of the way down. I walk away. That's where I start going. Where is bank of rare items?
01:02:51
Speaker
If you hear someone just like just walked past you they just said like a text messages noob and just keep going That's nice. I pulled the map you pull up the map and you see the Forbidden Land the the Forbidden Bank of items I Walked it there Yeah, you walked there you follow the question a little the map tracker and you find it's like it's big gold building It's got like a bunch of stop signs all over it says stop do not enter. I
01:03:17
Speaker
And I consult the video on the guy's website, and I go to the same spot he was at, and I start walking into it for 10 seconds. You walk into it for 10 seconds, and you blip through, and you see that there's just fucking heaps and heaps of items. There's purple and orange gear. There's fucking machine guns. There's test rocket launchers in there that they were thinking about putting in for an event later, a realism event. Yeah, they have all sorts of crazy shit in there. I think of a banana minigun Mark 7.
01:03:47
Speaker
Um, Supreme, uh, Supreme Niner Armor plus nine. And, um, it doesn't match my gear, but, um, the, the legendary bucket helmet, which is the best, best gear in the game I learned. Uh, yeah, you get all sorts of decked out and all sorts of cool shit. And I, and I, um.
01:04:07
Speaker
I pick up an AML of unlimited AML. I go back and find the kids and I drill them. So you go back and find that guy? Yeah, that kid that was AFK. Yeah, you hose him real quick. Like he drives in like two seconds. I take a lot of shit. I probably get like five levels up and I go and I start hosing all the rest of the kids in PvP.
01:04:34
Speaker
Yeah, roll if you fight it. We have a minigun, so roll a shooting roll. I think I'm unskilled. Like six times. But I'm skilled with electronics, I mean. But your character isn't unskilled. So yeah, go ahead and roll your electronics, because I was like, you're shooting. Thank God, because I got a negative one on that, or a one on that. Electronics, go. I'm getting an eight. I think how it works in Savage World is you roll for each bullet. So if you're just going to hose like five people, like you roll one for each bullet.
01:05:04
Speaker
That's a lot, but okay, here we go. Yeah, just for funsies, good to see what happens. One of them fails.
01:05:12
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, you you destroy a lot. Oh, my God, a 14. Yeah, you sure so many people are like, you hear you hear again, BX as your as your as your finished up this conversation with this guy. You hear somebody in the world, the real world again, your hacks again. You fucking. Where did you even get that? Are you serious? Next to me is like.
01:05:37
Speaker
Who is this username five five seven eight nine? Yeah, yeah, you see other guy too it's like come on I just got that gold armor is supposed to like I'm like, I'm a little gold arm is pretty cool. So that
01:05:52
Speaker
Oh, 5,000 banana coin? Nice! Yeah, you see what the guy said next to you. He's like, no, no, don't take that. Some asshole just killed me and took it. I got to go get a back off him. Hey, hey, hey, you go on the PDP, man. You take your risks, buddy. You got to suck it up and, you know. Yeah, but you shouldn't have a minigun. Who's? Hey, it's in the game. I don't know what to tell you, man.
01:06:13
Speaker
So while you guys are in the game doing that bullshit slash a rock at your end over to the only one that's found Captain Morgan Freeman. Mm-hmm. I'm trying. I think it's great. I love that there's three different approaches to this problem.
01:06:29
Speaker
Vx5 just like I go to kill Yes I'm gonna go up so I was just gonna like Do the sassy walk where she has the one hand on a hip in the other hand like doing the hand flip thing and she like sassy walks up to the yacht and she knocks on the door and
01:06:55
Speaker
She sassy walks up to the yacht, she knocks on the door, and you hear, just leave it at the door. Just fucking leave it. It's me. I don't know who that is. No, it's me, Sasha. You don't remember? Nope.
01:07:16
Speaker
You don't remember the three amazing hours we spent at the unicorn the other night? How dare you, sir? You said I was the love of your life. I see that too a lot of women I've learned. Well, you told me to be here today so that we could get married. I don't remember getting married. I thought I was getting plowed.
01:07:45
Speaker
You said you love me. Oh, I love a lot of things. Are you made of ice cream? I might be.
01:07:54
Speaker
I want to get in here, lady. Hang on. You just like should just like you like opens the door and you see a very foul stench comes out of the doorway. And you see this kind of like tall dude double peg leg hook for a hand with like a fucking cell phone like that. It's pierced through on it. And he has his other hand and he's got like a little scraggly beard and like a really thin mustache. And he's wearing a pair of sunglasses.
01:08:23
Speaker
He's like, it's awfully bright out here, miss. Are you made of ice cream, aren't you? I might be. All right. Well, let me go get a spoon. She turns around here, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, as he walks through. He's like, I don't remember asking to be married, no less. I'm going to tell you I'm not ready for a committed relationship unless it's with the sea or with Ben and Jerry's.
01:08:53
Speaker
so she follows him in and closes the door behind him and she's like well you know it was just more so so that like i could get in here so like i could talk to you see like my name is actually swasha you know like hi and um i'm here to like you know make you feel better
01:09:16
Speaker
Well, like I said, I thought I was getting plowed, so that would make me feel a little better. But outside of that, I don't think you're going to be able to do it less. She does kind of like a grimace face and like pictures. She's like, well, maybe that could happen if you like take a shower or something because you are very handsome. Yarr. So they tell me. My mother used to tell me every day. One day she picked up a smartphone and never looked at me again.
01:09:46
Speaker
Yeah, I've seen that happen a lot. But you know what, I feel like with a little bit of scrubba dub dubbing, you're gonna look good as new. And I bet you, it'll make you feel a little better. And you know what, that we could like go out to dinner and have like a proper date, you know what I'm saying?
01:10:08
Speaker
Last, that's all sounds good and gravy and all that good stuff, but what's the point? Just gonna go back to the same bullshit every day. No one cares at Empire, but nobody cares I be looting. Nobody cares I be burying treasure across these islands. Nobody cares. What do I care if I'm handsome fur? I can get plowed every day till Tuesday and still feel that shit knowing that the world sucks.
01:10:33
Speaker
So do you need, like, someone to, like, document it? So to show everybody? Kind of like these, like, tikitaka people? No, I just wish it weren't here no more. I just wish it was fucking gone. But what do you do with this? What do you do when the whole world's taken over and turned into goddamn cellular zombies? I understand. I have an idea, though. What if we unplugged the internet? Well...
01:11:01
Speaker
I wouldn't know how to do that, Lass. The only thing I know how to do is how to hack. And I have been, I have been torturing some people online a bit. That's been fun, but it's not, it's not the same as real pirating. So like where do like everybody get like the internet? So whatever, cause like we could go there and like unplug the thing.
01:11:23
Speaker
Just the struggle. I have no idea. We could burn it down. We could just burn the whole building down and then they won't be able to re-plug it back in. Roll a, roll a persuasion on, uh, on, uh, on our friend, uh, Captain Morgan Freeman here. Okay. Come on. Four. She thought he was going to sound like Morgan Freeman, but that's just his name. Um, he's like, you know what, lass? I'll tell you what.
01:11:54
Speaker
I'll cut some of the, uh, some of the, uh, the bum fluff from me face. And while I'm doing that, you find out where this would be and we'll lay siege to it. I'd rather die trying to take it out than sit here and shit my pants. I'm down to my last pair of britches.
01:12:11
Speaker
Oh, yeah, I could tell. So like, yeah, you go get cleans up. I'm going to like shmugal where like the Internet says here and then we could like burn the building down. Oh, hang on. Can you can you check my can you check my laptop real quick? I need to see if how many hits I'm getting on my Web page. Oh, sure. Sure. She walks over.
01:12:38
Speaker
You walk over and you see the analytics are up for dirtybeard.com or whatever the fuck I called it. Something Something Five by Dirtybeard. What the fuck did I call it? I can't remember now. But yeah, it's got one new visitor today. Oh, you got so many visitors today. Look at you, you wonderful.
01:12:59
Speaker
Well, at least someone's listening. I want more people to hack that stupid game. I hate it. Yeah. Yeah. She like does some like weird like tapping and she like closes the laptop. Go get clean. All right. I'm going to go do that. And he just opens up like the side door and just like jumps into the, into the, into the water. See you in a bit.
01:13:23
Speaker
So while you're talking to him, let's go back to BX5. BX5, you were just getting a little bit overloaded, overstimulated by all the people around you. You were finding that your little friend invited you to a guild. And now you're in the game. What do you do? So I have been overstimulated by information, so I need to restructure my algorithm. I manage all the chats. What is the most common topic that seems to be discussed across all channels?
01:13:52
Speaker
Hacks. Hacks everywhere. People are hacking. I see. Do I have access to the control console in my current platform? You know what, Rola? Is there a hacking in this game? I think there's hacking, right? I think so. Oh, fuck it over there. Is there a hacking? I think there's hacking. Yeah. Baxter has hacking. I don't know if BX5 has hacking. I don't think he does. But this is a new Baxter. This is new BX5 in the body. A platform doesn't understand.
01:14:21
Speaker
That's true. That's true. Let's try hacking anyway. See if you can get into the console. You do have some extra bennies, so you can always use them if you need them. Yeah. So let's roll a hack. It's an unskilled. That's a two. You want to use a Benjamin to try to see if you get a better role? Sure. I mean, you got three of them. I awarded everybody an extra one. So you start the game with two. I'll keep him at where he was. So I have one to use. Yeah, go ahead. Use another one. You re-roll that beautiful bean footage. Maybe you'll get lucky. Yeah, I'm not lucky.
01:14:50
Speaker
Well, you can use as many as you want at whatever time you want. You can use another one if you want. It's OK. Yes, you can't access the hacking commands, but you can see that a lot of people are popping up saying like, oh, you know, somebody is hacking the game, you know, and you see that you do see a lot of developer. I will say this because these are easy to access. You can see there's a lot of developer notes at like the.
01:15:12
Speaker
The devs are getting upset that this is happening. They're doing a full-on investigation. They've booted a lot of people. And a lot of people are like, it wasn't even me. They accidentally accepted items from people that hacked the game. And they're getting booted off by, in droves, by the way. Anybody who has any sort of material that I was supposed to have, if they get caught, they get booted off the game. And there's a lot of people unhappy. So that's really easy to find in the little sub comments and everything like that. So you know that the devs are super upset.
01:15:41
Speaker
Very good. Anything that causes a response of trauma or displeasure in organics is satisfying. I would like to see if I can start detecting the sources. Actually, I probably can't do this in game because I think his platform is realizing that he doesn't function well in that virtual space. I think he's going to just try to close the game and then see if he can start to track where his allies went.
01:16:11
Speaker
Okay. As you try to close the game, it comes back up and says, are you sure you want to close the game? Are you sure? Are you super short? Unsure. Directed question. Cycling through logic. Weighing choices. You see like that little animation of like the folder flinging a piece of paper from one folder to another.
01:16:43
Speaker
more responsibilities. Yes, close the game. You close the game again, it comes back up again. Are you really sure? You want to close the game? It runs the same design cycle, but it's a little faster iteration of the time. So it's like, close game. You close the game and it comes up one more time. You will lose all unsafe progress if you close now. Close game. And it's like the passes shut down. And it's like, ever.
01:17:14
Speaker
You hear cloud sync disrupted. Yeah. So you're back in the real world, you see, actually, as you do that, you see Sasha Rocket walking up the docks, trying to shmuggle and find out where the where the where the Internet lives. As you're coming out to Google, you see BX five. What'd you say, BX?
01:17:39
Speaker
I was just saying, cool, I go to follow them. Can I take a potshot at this guy who I was just standing next to?
01:17:45
Speaker
Do you want to shoot the guy you're seeing?
Humorous Confrontations and Interactions
01:17:47
Speaker
Yeah, because I walk away. Thank you for your service. Of course you can. Do it. No, I'm kidding. No, continue. I'm not going to do it. You can 100% murder a gamer. I want to do a murder, but I'm going to save it for a more dramatic occasion. OK. I think you can step away. He pulls the gun out, and it charges up. And this kid probably doesn't even notice. He's on his phone. Yep.
01:18:14
Speaker
Prime directive changed. Target recalculated. And he like puts the gun back and then walks away. You see there's like you see there's like a little kid that like you know is like a little little leapfrog tablet like on a table with their mom and they're eating a little ice cream cone on the on the on the boardwalk and they look up and you're like, wow. Like it's just that robot looking at child staring at like poor dad.
01:18:42
Speaker
It's like it's like when Cindy Lou who finds the Grinch. She's like, wow, what are you doing? Terminating objective. You hear she repeats it. Terminating objective. And her mom's like, that's nice there.
01:19:01
Speaker
I'm not inviting you to my guild though, sweetheart. You have to earn it. The right gear, the right specs. Yeah. The little girl gives you a thumbs up. Like I want to be a robot when I go up. I leave one of the blasters with the baby.
01:19:28
Speaker
I love that so fucking much that you left a gun with a fucking little, a little seaport child and her mom. He's like, I've taken gun safety course. This is easy. Like nods and then just walking away.
01:19:52
Speaker
Yeah, she's like, that's nice. Yeah, she's awesome. She's like, that's nice, dear. Mm hmm. That's great. Oh, my God, that's so fucking. Oh, my goodness. So one gun.
01:20:08
Speaker
You should have two. Oh, yeah, when he comes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when you come back to your character sheet later, Adrian, you're going to remember that you gave your gun away and you're like, Oh, I've got a better Oracle person who would be confused. Right. So why are you doing that? Baxter, I've marked that off my character sheet.
01:20:28
Speaker
I love that so much. I can't wait. I can't wait for the repercussions of that later.
Baxter's Challenge to Captain Morgan Freeman
01:20:34
Speaker
Baxter, you're in the game. You just hacked a bunch of shit. You're slaying a bunch of turds in the game. What do you do? First of all, can I just say that my intention was to rise in the leaderboards until I could challenge Captain Morgan Freeman? And I know as a player, he doesn't care about the game. So my plan has been foiled before it started. But I am hopefully now by now, I've loaded up quite a bit and I'm going to
01:20:59
Speaker
put it on all the chat forums and all the chats in the game. I want to say, I'm challenging Captain Morgan Freeman. That's right. I know your real life name. You jerk. Mortal Kombat in Banana Republic 2 or whatever the fuck this game is called. You see someone approaches you and it says, the real Captain Morgan Freeman on it. And you hear, what do you want, noob?
01:21:29
Speaker
I obliterate him with my minigun. And you see the real Morgan Freeman has been defeated. And then you see like the other real Morgan Freeman. I will be I will be I say that I type it into my phone. I will be waiting at the precipice of of Death's Skull Mountain in the PVP area, highest level of the PVP area.
01:21:55
Speaker
You get it. You get it. You get a notification. You get a request for a video chat.
Dirtybeard's Video Chat and Internet Disruption Plans
01:22:03
Speaker
And it's from it's from Dirtybeard. Oh, that's the guy from the accept. I put my thumb over my my little camera on my phone. You see you see like a double peg like guy sitting on like a little busted springy couch and like he's got like a towel like up on his hair like in like a little rap. It's your heroes, I guess.
01:22:26
Speaker
He's like, who will be challenging me? I'm getting ready for a hot date and to take over Wi-Fi or whatever. And I'm like, what? What? Are you a monkey? Yes, I'm a chimpanzee. And I'm going to kick you off this game and make you have to go back to real life. You know who you're talking to? You're talking to Dirtybeard. I can blip you out in a second like Thanos.
01:22:55
Speaker
that wouldn't be very sporting of you would it now to add to his snap of the finger you just hear a crash as bx05 comes through the door just like fully
01:23:12
Speaker
oh hang on a second gotta um i got a guest i'll be right back hey hey it's me it's my turn buddy you talked to me son of a bitch you know what i ain't got me i ain't got me britches on and the robot just crashed through my house yeah it's cool hey bx
01:23:34
Speaker
I know you're keen to kill right now, but if you stand down for just a minute, I'm having a discussion. He turns the laptop around so you can see Baxter on the screen. He's like, I think your friend be talking to you, mate. Yeah, I know. I know. I know. Oh, he's telling him that, yeah. Yeah, BX, stand down for a minute, mate. Buddy, boy, I'm going to tell this son of a bitch here to get off the internet. You see, BX05 looks down at the ground, and then he jumps up and then slams his feet into the ground as hard as he can and probably like smashes through a level until he goes like waist deep.
01:24:03
Speaker
Standing down. This boy is enthusiasm. I. I don't know what to say about the collateral damage going on in my home right now, but I guess this is what pirates do. Hey, do you want to go sailing? This really hot short girl. Oh, there she is. There's the girl. She's right there.
01:24:28
Speaker
Have you met my new girlfriend and he turns the camera over to see Sasha in the doorway? Just tell me what you got. I spent so much time leveling up in this game. I thought I was going to kill him in the game and make him know what to say anymore. What are you guys at? Come on. We're going to burn down the internet. You can't just burn down the internet. It's everywhere. You know, I understand how... Russia. I'm trying to go to every single server and all across the planet. Him.
01:24:56
Speaker
I mean, I figured it would help at least here. I probably not, really. Hop aboard me, houseboat monkey. We're going to go break the Internet. Let's go down the Internet. I suppose maybe we could. I'm making this up off my head. I get up off the crate and I start walking away. I'm like, I'm going in my phone deleting a deleting Banana Republic. I'm sure you want to delete.
01:25:23
Speaker
Yes, for fuck's sake! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! You're gonna have to go into your account settings and disable your subscription. For fuck's sake, I just...
01:25:34
Speaker
I swipe it off away from my screen. Coming up is off top of my head. We could go to the central uplink and we could upload a virus. That's great. I just got to make a virus. Damn it. Shit. Is that like, kind of like Benin down the internet?
01:25:57
Speaker
From the inside, yeah, it's like making it have a look. Let's go sneeze on the server. Let's get it. Did you hear that? We could do that instead. Yes, good. I mean, whatever. I don't care. I just want to get back to me pirate life. And I want people to fear Captain Morgan Freeman once again. Let's do it. Hey, Captain Morgan Freeman, you want to ride around on top of a giant squid? That scared people. Oh, no. I don't want to ride atop a giant fox. Of course I do. Where is it?
01:26:25
Speaker
We're got your window there. Well, one of you, I don't know which way you're pointing, but look at one of your windows there. You hear like a really long squeaky fart comes out of his ass and he's just like, oh my god, it's a beautiful creature. Not since today's that today's original Kraken got famous on the internet. Have I seen one? Then I go open up the channel to Jorgen Memen, like, hey, Jorgen Memen, wave to the nice pirate men. Tell me what to do, monkey.
Adventure with Captain Morgan Freeman
01:26:52
Speaker
I'm the boss of you. Fine, but only because I want to. You see, you see one of his little giant fucking tendril like comes up and gives it a wave and a bunch of water goes splashing everywhere. And.
01:27:08
Speaker
He happens to hit the wet t-shirt contest on the other side of the island. And it's a result. Everyone's so wet. Everyone's just soaked. And he's like, he's like, oh, oh, my God, am I going to meet Captain Morgan Freeman? He's got it right on your head, buddy. I'm going to be. Hey, suck me up with your tentacles. Can't be fucked to walk. So like Chork and Meman comes over and reaches his tendrils into the ship, into the houseboat and sucks you all up into it.
01:27:39
Speaker
And you guys like pop out, all four of you pop out onto the ship again, onto Chorgan Meeman. He's like, hello, I'm, I'm, I'm Chorgan. Chorgan is Morgan Chorman. Hey guys, we got to do a virus video too to get, make sure everybody says, see how cool platter thing is again and all that shit, right? Yar. How do I just want to do that? Well, you got the beginner that's following on your website, right? I came to it, I found it.
01:28:07
Speaker
Oh, you found the Dirty Beard website, did ya? Yeah, so I got me Banana Minigun or whatever the fuck I had. Right, my girlfriend here was telling me, oh wait, first of all, yes, now that Banana Minigun, it's not sub- you know, it's just in beta, so sorry if it doesn't work all the time. Well, it was pretty cool. I eviscerated like a thousand people. Oh, excellent. Well, that's what I like to hear. Ha! Stupid internet dwellers. I think a whole forum got started just because of me.
01:28:32
Speaker
That's fantastic. But yes, yeah, you guys figure out the whole viral thing. Yeah, my girlfriend told me that I was getting tons of visitors on the site, so I'm really excited about it. Yeah, I found it. No sweat. First result, I saw. Oh, man, I'm at the top of the shmugel. That's how you do it. That's how you do it, mate. Well, you know what, under these suggested ads, as they say, this is like, you know,
01:28:54
Speaker
They suggest ones that they pay. Well, I mean, I had to get started. I only paid like $100 to Schmugel, okay? Like, I just needed to get a little bit of Henry. I didn't even notice you were wondering. Either way, I found you there. I don't know what else probably is. Either way, we got to record you. The story on the internet. They probably will hate you for a little while for getting rid of... Yar. Well, let us go find this central hub and go and destroy it with... What did you say? A virus? A computer virus, yes. Right.
01:29:23
Speaker
That'd be pretty good to destroy entire planetary internet, but, uh, I've got pretty good hacking and science electronics skill. I'm something of a scientist myself, you understand? Right. All right, then let's go and do this thing. Let's go! So, um, put the coordinates in wherever... Who's... I don't want to drive a Satmi ship, so whoever, just take us wherever we're going. I don't know where it, um... I'm dressed for the occasion.
01:29:53
Speaker
Yeah, Morgan, you've got to get on top of Chorgan so people can see you flying around on a giant squid monster. And Chorgan, can you like detect if there's any the biggest heat signature of Wi-Fi that we can go to? Absolutely. Definitely from Captain Morgan Freeman. Of course I can do that. Anything for you, Captain Morgan Freeman. Hey, fuck you, chimp. No one asked you.
01:30:25
Speaker
How's our friend BX5 doing since our unprotected interfacing? You just see that they haven't broke eye contact with Captain Morgan Freeman. Wherever they go, the body stays, but the head rotates to keep them in center vision. I feel like I got that camera on me or something. It's an upload to the internet.
01:30:50
Speaker
Oh, you're your metal friend here can upload to the internet. Probably. He's got all kinds of abilities. He used to have a funny accent. Now he's more American and boring. Yar. That's choogie or whatever the kids say. I don't know what that means, but all right. So you just see the slowest thumbs up.
01:31:24
Speaker
It would appear that the server is making its way towards us weirdly enough. The server's alive, you guys. We've got to fight it. I'm going to start immediately trying to make a computer virus. Do it. All right. Roll science or hacking. Do hacking. Hacking.
01:31:43
Speaker
I'm just going to do it on your own phone. What are you uploading it? What are you making it with? Is this on your little monkey phone? On your banana phone? I guess I'm using Kacking, right? I'm going to roll a Benny, by the way, so we can get a better roll than four. I got a five. Woo-hoo. Nice.
01:32:03
Speaker
I'm seeing if again if I can like find some old and some like nasty files that um the kernosphere locked away they're like really uh actually you find a buttload that that uh terence rex and um
01:32:16
Speaker
What the fuck says Buddy's name? IG. Yeah, IG 88 we're working on to take down Sierra Madre. What is this? Wreckingball.exe? It's the one with most flags on it, you guys, for bad dudes, so I'll do that one.
01:32:35
Speaker
So as you're working on that, you guys, you guys hear a very familiar sound as as you see a ship on the horizon careening towards you guys. It's like a big old green and yellow ship with like a bunch of streaks and like a bunch of pulsations pushing the water everywhere. You see it's got a couple of cannons on it. And you see that there are these lizard looking dudes with like various like metallic parts like dressed in like pirate pair familiar in here.
01:33:17
Speaker
And they come they come at you guys and he's like yep the servers on there
01:33:22
Speaker
These fucking internet fuck, these guys are, what are they, travel on the internet? That's what I thought, I'm not I or whatever. You guys got to do some legwork while I do this. Can you see that a couple of cannons pop up on either side of Jorgen Memen? And he's like, all right, get to work, fools. Sasha's like, oh shit, let's get to shooting.
01:33:47
Speaker
All right. So let's do let's do some let's do some cards. Baxter Chimp gets a three. Sasha gets a nine. BX five gets a fucking joker. Oh, shit. And the baddies get a six. So a joker means he can pick wherever he wants his turn to be and every every whatever action he does, every action he does gets a plus two to it, I believe.
01:34:12
Speaker
So if he were to do a multi-action, it would mitigate one of those plus twos. And everybody on his team gets a Benny.
01:34:26
Speaker
I have five. So BX5, you're on the Jorgen Miemens ship probably maybe like about 60, 70 yards out there is another ship with probably about a half a dozen lizard dudes on it coming your way. What do you do?
01:34:44
Speaker
Um, if it's not within mechanical leaping distance, I think it's one of those things where he just like goes, he probably goes last to like chamber his legs and like leap the distance between the ships when I did that. OK, yeah, right. So you're kind of you're kind of kind of hold a little bit. So you're going to go last. Yeah, that's that's a good reason. That's a good reason to use a joker that way. That's great. All right. So so he's going to be last in the order after or Baxter. So Sasha Rocket, you're up.
01:35:12
Speaker
Oh, right. So she's going to like, uh, get the cannons on, uh, Chornet, Chorgen Memen ready. She's going to take a shooty at them. All right. Roll a roll a shooting, um, to do a shoot against the cannon as a Chorgen Memen, uh, as a, Oh, I forgot to roll one for your friend. Um, for, uh, for captain Morgan Freeman, he has a five. Um,
01:35:38
Speaker
So yeah, go ahead and roll a shooting. So that's a five. That's still within cannon distance. Let's just, did we ever decide how much the ship's fucking cannons do? I forget.
01:35:50
Speaker
Oh, we do have a gatling laser. Yeah, it does 3d6 plus four digits. So I'll roll that. Twenty three. Jesus Christ. I don't see. Let's see. Even with like the amount of like damage that their ship can take, that's at least a puncture and a shake on the ship. So, you know, you fucking shoot. You put a shit ton. You put a big old hole through that fucking ship. Pew pew pew pew pew.
01:36:28
Speaker
Then looks back at Baxter with that smirk on her face and a hand on her hip like you guys didn't want me to pilot and now look
01:36:39
Speaker
I don't look up for my device when I'm making my thing. I'm like, yeah, you're doing great. She doesn't care. When in Rome, play on your phone. She doesn't care. She's still giving us Merck. So it's time for that. It's the baddies turn now. So yeah, they're just like one of them's like at the helm and they're like kind of pulling to the sides. They can have their ship. One of them is going to take a little shooty at you guys as well.
01:37:05
Speaker
I typically, I think you just roll your own shooting. I don't think you roll a ship shooting. If you do, we'll change it up. I don't care. I don't feel like looking up rules right now. So shooting from that guy. Well, he fucking sucked balls. He goes, he shoots like another one of those like big old snot rocket globs that you guys saw in the when you guys read the movie place and it just singes past you guys. And just like as it hits the ground and you hear like a sizzle on the water, the water starts to bubble.
01:37:34
Speaker
Um, and then another one, uh, so the, the other one's going to drive the ship closer and one of them is going to try to board the ship with you guys. Um, so actually I'm going to say, um, several of them do, um, simply because, um, you know, why the fuck would just one of them do it?
01:37:51
Speaker
Um, that's crazy. Um, so, uh, yeah, I'm going to have them do that. So let's see. I'd say I'm going to say one of them is drive in. There's probably five other ones I'm just going to do. Let's just call this. I'm going to do agility checks. I'm just going to see how well they all do this. No, athletics. Uh, what the fuck did they roll? I accidentally clicked that a roll 20 five.
01:38:14
Speaker
Well, they don't have a wild die. They're just like little turrets. They rolled a crit fail. So one of them jumps and misses completely and falls into the water. He didn't make it. Another one misses completely, falls into the water. Oh, Jesus Christ. Another one. Jesus. What the fuck? One of them makes it over. Jesus Christ. Wow. Another crit fail. Four of them fall into the goddamn ocean while the other one jumps across. He's like,
01:38:44
Speaker
And he pulls out a cutlass and he looks around like nobody else is around him. And you hear like, you hear below the ship, you're. And like he charges and I think he's going to try to cut. I mean, Sasha Rockets on the on the gun, I think he's going to try to cut Sasha Rocket. You better not. I'll come after you.
01:39:08
Speaker
Gonna roll a fight king. Well, he rolled a three, so he sucked ass. He misses completely. You do a beautiful pirouette out of the way as he tries to slash at you. These guys have had quite a poop turn. So that means it is our friend, Captain Morgan Freeman's turn. And I'm just gonna give him these guys stats. I'm just gonna say that he is going to try to cut one of the fools, the one that's trying to cut Sasha Rocky. He's gonna try to save his girlfriend.
01:39:35
Speaker
Oh, I knew he said he loved me. And that is enough to hit their parry, and he's just going to roll with his blade. Six Dermage, which is enough to give him a shake. So he shakes the one. He kind of cuts him across the armor a little bit, sends him off his balance. He goes, Yarr, don't touch me side piece. And then his back starts to return.
01:40:05
Speaker
Great. I guess I'm just going to keep my upload going of the virus. Not to them. I guess I'm still getting it from the currents here to my thing. I got to get it to their thing next. I would say you have it. Installing it is probably what your next step would be. OK. So I would like to connect to the enemy ship's Wi-Fi. All right. You have to figure out what their password is. I would like to hack. Roll a hack, please.
01:40:31
Speaker
I've got a nine. That was a nine on both die. That's a big old. Snake nines. Snake nines, baby. You do that.
01:40:41
Speaker
Okay, cool. Remember those sneeze, that sneeze I had at the beginning? They were just coming right there. Oh, no. All right, I got them. I'm good. All right. Your password is titty, titty, titty Obama. No caps, no spaces. Yeah. So you hack in, and so you're on their Wi-Fi. So you have made that. Would you like to move it all?
01:41:09
Speaker
You're gonna sit there on your phone while the action's going on? Sometimes I'm up on my little bunk again, just sitting in my bunk like they're fighting over there. If I have an attack I can do, I'll try and throw my bungee slip. I would say that was probably your action, because you didn't call for two actions, so that's probably gonna be your action. That's fine. Alright, BX5, since you chose to go last, what would you like to do? Is my target within leaping range? The boat, like, get to get on the ship? Yes, absolutely, it is now, because the other guys just jumped across to get onto your ship.
01:41:38
Speaker
Is there a way that I can leap onto this like leap to the stern and like also punch the driver in the head? Yeah, that would be a multi action, but you do have a plus two bonus from your Joker, so you could take two free actions now without having any penalties. That's now calculated.
01:41:57
Speaker
All right, the role in athletics role to see how well BX five. I'll give you a plus one to the role because you're prepping to do it like you're planning to do it. So you get a plus two to your old plus my plus one. So it'd be a plus three to everything to that to the athletics. Nice. Yeah, that's a five. Well, five is already a success. So plus three that I gave you, that's technically a raise on the role. So you fucking leap with.
01:42:24
Speaker
Giants aplomb as you fucking just like soar from one boat to the other landing exactly where you wanted to go with with Pure unadulterated awesome calculation and you land next to the guy that's on the on the steering wheel And I would like to so it's like a little helix lands like in that crouch to accept the weight of his body and then you see his head turn up like Welcome and then throws an uppercut from that position
01:42:52
Speaker
like a shuruken. Yeah. All right. So roll a roll a roll a roll your fighting. So this would have no bonus because it's canceling out the negative. So your plus two just regular fighting rolls up saving them punch me in the face. That's a fucking nine. Damn. I don't know if BX has any artist and warrior. So I think his my body my punchy is strength plus D six.
01:43:21
Speaker
Alright, go ahead and roll that then and see what kind of Dermid you do. That's a 7. Actually, let me check their toughness here. I think that might be a little better than you think.
01:43:33
Speaker
Uh, yeah, that is a, that is a raise on their thing. So you get the bonus damage too. So that's 10 damage and that's enough to knock this dude's block right the fuck off. Um, so, uh, so you, you, um, you fucking uppercut that some bitch and he goes flying off the ship and you're
01:43:57
Speaker
Um, as he lands in the, uh, as he lands in the water and he comes to a flow and he is dead as dicks. Um, and you have taken over their ship, BX five, like just pivots and like sticks his arm out for the, for the wheel. Love it. That's my turn.
01:44:15
Speaker
Awesome. All right. New sets of cards. We've got Baxter with a five, Sasha with a 10, BX with an eight, the baddies with a king, and our friend Captain Morgan Freeman with an ace. So he's going to try to finish the job on that one that tried to beat up Sasha Rocket. Because that motherfucker is hurt. So we can wound him again. That motherfucker's dead. Yarr. Piss off, you bitch. He rolled a 15. I fucking hit that dude.
01:44:45
Speaker
So he's going to roll his blade, Dermage. Wow. So that's 70. Yep. He cuts that dude right the fucking half. So fucking straight down the middle, Sasha Rocket. And he looks at you and he says, I'll never let him put a hand on your last as that guy falls into pieces. That's going to be his turn. He's he's he's feeling pretty good. She does like a wink and then like a blow of a kiss.
01:45:15
Speaker
And he catches it with his hook like he's hooking it and puts it in his pocket and he goes, ow. All right. So I need to roll to see if these other mofos can get the fuck out of the water. So I think there's four left because they're all just floating around trying to keep up with the ship as it's floating.
01:45:36
Speaker
Um, so we'll see how they do, uh, athletics. He doesn't have, well, he's a quick fail. I'm just going to say he gets sucked in the fucking chorgon miemens hoses or some shit and dies. Um, that guy gets out. So it's one that gets out to the gets out three to get out. One of them just gets sucked into Morgan free chorgon miemen and he's dead as Dick. So he's gone. So, um,
01:46:00
Speaker
OK, so you guys, so they get on the ship. That's just their turn because they just couldn't get the fuck on the thing. So now it is Sasha Rock's turn again. There's like she's. She's going to be like, oh, my God, you guys with these crazy dubstep is this. And she pulls out her slingshot and she goes, slingshot, and she shoots two firebolts.
01:46:27
Speaker
Oh, man, I should have said that when I sliced. Caughtless. Damn it. It's OK. You can get him next time. Yeah. All right. So that's a negative two to both shots, but you can take two shots. Are you shooting two people or one person twice? Two people. OK.
01:46:43
Speaker
All right. That's a huge thing. Oh, I guess technically it wouldn't be shooting. It would be your magic cast. Oh, shoot. That's right. All right. Yeah. It's a magic slingshot. Yeah, this magic. You can keep your first one. You can keep your first one. I miss both. You didn't miss both. You got a five and a four. Those were hits. But I had a minus two. Oh, fuck. That's right. I forgot about that. You're right. You miss both.
01:47:09
Speaker
Uh, and you're, as you said, one of them is, um, do you want to move anywhere?
01:47:21
Speaker
She's going to look at Captain Morgan Freeman and she's going to be like, these feathers away in my in my way is what it is from in my hat. That's what happened. And then she like steps behind like the helm, like the wheel so that she has a little bit of cover. As you as you as you go over to the wheel, you see like a little a little green bird like flies from the sky and lands on the wheel next to you.
01:47:47
Speaker
And he goes, what? Packer, packer. He's like, oh, you're pissy. You found me. So BX five, you're up, my friend. We're on the ship. Cool. I'm on the ship. Is this where the server is? Yes. Oh, I don't care about that. So.
01:48:15
Speaker
I turn to see that there are more organic people attacking the ship. I think I turn and look up at Captain Morgan and I'm like just going to like leap up. If I can make it back to the ship, I'm just going to take the one action to like leap back to our ship. But I think there's that awkward like he turns around to look back at our ship, scans all targets, and then you see him kind of look and turn up to look at Captain Morgan.
01:48:41
Speaker
Gotcha. All right. I would say at this juncture, you could probably just steer the ship close enough that it's pretty easy for you to jump on without risk. You're right. Sorry. Let me do that better. I crashed their ship into our ship. You crashed. You crashed the dubstepers into Morgan Meman. Yes. Oh, fuck. I'm going to do to him what you did to me last night. Let me why I deserve this.
01:49:09
Speaker
Okay, I guess roll a piloting? Or what would that be? I don't know. Is there a boating roll? I don't know. I'm gonna use a Betty just to see.
01:49:21
Speaker
So you don't quite get the emotion that you want, but you start scraping it up against the side of the ship and you hear Torgen's like, what the hell, man? You asked for it last night. And there's like a bunch of like scraping and screeching and sparks flying. Baxter, what do you do?
01:49:41
Speaker
I suppose I tried to... Well, I guess he just wrecked into us, didn't he? He did. He was kind of scraping the side of you. He didn't quite get the full ram he wanted. Jeez, those guys are going... God, Sasha, show them they're wrecking into us. God. I'm trying to upload the virus to them and I'm going to try and upload the virus to them, to their internet. Roll one more hacking. Or I guess I'm going to like... Or something else you should prefer. I'm going to open the file that they're the same. That's fine.
01:50:09
Speaker
Sasha looks over and goes, but it's BX. I don't know what else to do. Well, you know, he's he's in here with us somewhere. He's not an enemy. Why would he be over there? I don't know, but I can see him over there. What? Shut up. You're not part of the crew here, buddy.
01:50:35
Speaker
Um, so, uh, you rolled your five on your hacking, you upload onto the server and then, uh, you just, uh, hear a very loud, um, cacophony of groans coming from the dock as you guys are out there on the water, like, Oh, um, and people are like running out into the streets. They're checking their routers. They're checking the satellites on the roofs and they're like, what the fuck? Come on, come on.
01:51:01
Speaker
I'm gonna give that was like was like him and his page is like, well, I was right in the middle of it. And you're like, yeah, I think so. And you see the the dub steppers all of a sudden just kind of freeze in place. And they just turn into a puddle.
01:51:22
Speaker
And it's like a little green and yellow puddles on the ground and Baxter like puts his phone off the side and leans back with his hands behind his head and his little bungee says all from the comfort of my own bid. So you guys are out of combat now. So BX five, you're still running. You're still kind of scraping the ship against Jurgen Mieben. Is that is that is that still something that you want to keep doing or are you not doing that? Oh, no, I'm 100 percent. I'm not out of combat.
01:51:49
Speaker
Yeah, he's all right. So we're not on a combat source. Yeah, I get. Yeah, he's like crashing and grinding. I think it's the thing where it's still the head is like maintaining position as he like grinds with. So he can like just walk off the ship. So you're walking like on to Torgen Meman after like grinding on the ship. Yeah. So so I can get within the hell BX five. What's wrong with you?
01:52:24
Speaker
Do it. It's like he stands like it's like nothing where he stands behind him. Yeah, I think you're going to get the drop on him. I don't think he's expecting you to attack him. He, you know, so like that's going to be a plus four to the attack and plus four to any damage you do to him. He's like now recording. Yeah. So spins around and he goes to hit him. All right. You don't roll a fighting role against Captain Morgan Freeman.
01:52:41
Speaker
punching range of Captain Morgan, Morgan Freeman.
01:52:52
Speaker
Oh, my God. Shit. Warren Freeman is deadly. 16 on fighting. So that is a raise or an ace and a raise. So you get to roll your damage plus whatever bonus dice that you roll. So it should roll it for you when you roll the damage, though. And I believe you can I think we learned recently you can use your bennies to reroll your damage, too.
01:53:17
Speaker
I think we learned that. Didn't we learn that? That you can do that to reroll damage? I think that was like the argument like two episodes ago and you said no. I think I said no but then I think we looked afterwards and I think I learned that you can. Oh no. I also noticed that on Adrian's description for his attacks with his body it says it says fits instead of fits. It says fits feet head and body.
01:53:43
Speaker
It's a madness. It's a madness. Right. So that's 10 damage. It's not enough to kill more Captain Morgan Freeman, but you wound him and you you daze him and you wound him and he drops to the ground and he's just like in a daze like, you know, my boyfriend. And it's just like like rotates around.
01:54:07
Speaker
You monster! She like falls on top of him. Get away from him, you crazy bastard! Yeah. What the hell is going on? What? We're getting navies! We're all marrying that man. I forbid it. Do not worry! This is all necessary for the completion of our mission. You're not my father!
01:54:38
Speaker
Correct. Yarr. Yarr. Is that you? Is that you, Sasha? It's me. He referred to you as a side piece earlier, Sasha. I don't know if he does not deserve your affections. You call me a side piece? That's the nicest thing ever anyone's said about me. Oh my god, way back down to my bed.
01:55:06
Speaker
We're off planet. Okay, so BX5, so you punched, took a video, you upload.
01:55:19
Speaker
Are you attacking him again? Yes, I would like to attack him again. Roll another attack roll first. Okay. Oh, actually, no, I take it back because you had the drop on him. So that's another plus four damage. You wounded him twice. So he's barely clinging to life, actually. So he's just like.
01:55:39
Speaker
And he's just like laying there, barely conscious. Actually, I think you don't even need to roll. He's like, because you got the drop on him. Like if you do enough damage, like you fuck him up real bad. So he's just like laying there in like a pile on the ground. I think unless somebody stops me, I think it's one of those things where BX just like crouches, scoops him up and then drops him off the edge of the ship. He's picking him up. Like very smooth. Like it's a very smooth, not dramatic. It's just a very smooth, like
01:56:09
Speaker
Sasha's so busy being dramatic, she's on her knees reaching out like, no! No! You monster, you monster! That's my husband! I think what he does say is when he goes to drop him over, you see him do a quick look at Sasha, and he says, organic connection detected, terminating. And then drops him off the edge. Yes.
01:56:36
Speaker
Sasha gets up and goes, all right, guys, let's get out of here. Understood. Understood. Mission accomplished. So you guys, you drop Captain Morgan Freeman off the boat. You see you. You hear you hear from the little green bird on the boat.
01:56:58
Speaker
Right. Oh, thank God. Take our treasure. Take our treasure. And he guides you back to his houseboat where Captain Morgan Freeman was sitting on a bunch of loot that he stole after the invention of Wi-Fi. There's a bunch of electronics and there's a bunch of like, what do you call it, like little server pieces and there's copper wires and there's piping and there's like just a bunch of watches and shit that he stole. So everybody roll seven D100s.
01:57:27
Speaker
70 70. Yeah. Oops. That's one day 100. I got to type that out. One plus six. There we go. How's that? There you go. Yeah. So Sasha Rocket got three hundred and somewhat fucking Baxter got four hundred and thirty two. Yeah. Well, money's worth any of that. I'm keeping all these things with them. All right. No, I got to make my money back from when Adrian was selling all my money.
01:57:56
Speaker
Yeah. Rule 71 on Adrian gets 400 or I should say BX five gets four hundred and fifty four. Wow. Extra dollars. I think he pickpocketed Captain Morgan Freeman a little bit when he chucked him off the boat. Taking all necessary resources.
01:58:12
Speaker
Oh, that was awesome. Good job, guys. So you guys kind of completed the mission, I guess on the Internet. And I would just like to say before we leave, if unless we just teleport out, I fire my gun in the air in a public place and then announce that I am BX five destroyer of worlds. And then I.
01:58:34
Speaker
And then he just walked casually back to the ship. Yeah. As you guys as you guys are leaving, we cut to we cut to the dock or a little little blonde girl with pigtails and a little leapfrog phone has a gun in their hands. And she goes, I have BX five destroyed our world. No consequences for me.
01:59:03
Speaker
We had a time jump to like 15 years later and that girl's a fucking vigilante somewhere. So that is the end of that. You guys convert whatever you want to monies unless like Baxter just keeps off his electrical components. We can roll like someone off if you just want to keep it as pieces.
01:59:23
Speaker
I just was worth somebody else can you guys just come up with a whatever assortment of like fun like related objects that is worth that money so that he can deal with that.
01:59:34
Speaker
Yeah, I usually just they just usually just put it in the Darby machine and they turn it in the Darby box. So like, you know, it all gets converted into like interdimensional money. So so in case. So let's just wrap up today. First of all, thank you guys for listening. I hope you guys had fun. That was a really crazy one. Yeah, I had a lot of fun. And you guys may have noticed that, you know what, we have to just let down the ruse that this hasn't been Adrian playing with a really good accent this whole time.
02:00:04
Speaker
I know, I didn't tell you guys. I just thought you guys were really proud of Adrian, but I just can't lie about it anymore. That's not Adrian? No, it's not Adrian. I'm really sorry that we deceived you. Do you want to tell us who you really are? Hi, everyone. My name is Makoto. I'm Coco. I got to play with all these loved name individuals and I was super fun time and I can't believe I got to cause so much trouble for Adrian.
02:00:28
Speaker
Uh, yeah. So Adrian, like not quite last minute, but pretty close last minute, let us know he wasn't feeling good today and we still want to do an episode and he lost his voice. So he said his voice is like not very good. And so I thought it'd be funny just to put somebody else in his character with a different voice. Um, and don't worry, he approved it. He's, he's just, he's fine with it. We talked about character agency. He was totally cool with the idea.
02:00:50
Speaker
He just doesn't know who is in here or what any of the things that are happening. So he's going to learn it when the episode comes out, which is quite fun for us. So, Coco, tell us where, you know, tell everybody like the kind of stuff you do and what, you know, if there's anything you want to plug. Now's the time to do it.
02:01:08
Speaker
Oh, yes, I am just a tabletop game enthusiast. I want to plug Adam and Cass and everyone in here because you guys are all awesome. And this was great time and I love it. I designed a game called World Prescedia. That's fun. So I'll be doing stuff on that. But dude, I just love being able to get a part of this stuff. It's a great time.
02:01:27
Speaker
Yeah, and thanks for taking it. Literally, I invited him like 30 minutes before we started. We didn't know what the plan was, and I was like, hang on. I have an idea. I just need to see if someone's free. So I reached out to Makoto, and I was like, hey, man, what are you doing under this? Like 30 minutes. Yeah. They're like, yeah, sure. I'm right here. Yeah, so I appreciate you taking a couple hours with us to do this. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was. Thank you so much.
02:01:49
Speaker
And so before we wrap up again, hey, if you want to support the show for free, you can go on podchaser.com. You can review individual episodes. You can leave comments on there. You can review the show on there. They get a lot of traction. Also, if you're on Spotify or on the other one, Apple, it's a free way to support the show. Just review it. As Justin likes to say, rate it if you hate it. Even if you don't like it, give us three stars. I don't give a fuck. Just rate the show.
02:02:13
Speaker
Check them out. Do that. Yeah. Yeah. Rate everything. And it really mean a lot to us. And of course, you know, we do have a Ko-fi. So if you want to help support the network that we're growing, the fund and sellers network, you can go on there. Even like five bucks a month really helps us out a lot. We use it to help other creators. And we're working on like a big secret project that we're going to release in a couple of months that Coca-Cola is also a part of. So keep an eye on that because we got some fun partnerships going on there. Support it. You won't. Yeah.
02:02:41
Speaker
And lastly, but certainly not leastly, before we get to our question of the day, please go to our website. First of all, thank you, Dixon, for the lovely letter that you wrote to us and the fun ideas about BX5's merch store and about like different items and some worlds. I have implemented a couple. You'll be happy to hear that they may appear in some future episodes. So thank you. And if you are a listener who wants to hear has any ideas for future worlds that we should visit, you know, write in. Go to funandsellersnetwork.com slash contact.
02:03:09
Speaker
and write us a little letter or you can leave us a voicemail and let us know what kind of shit you want us to do or any places you want us to see or any characters that you think that we should revisit. Or if you want us to revisit other worlds and you have some ideas for them, let me know.
02:03:22
Speaker
I would love to get some more input. We just got a couple of great suggestions from our friend Dixon, one of our listeners, and very excited to do them. Outside of that, Cass, please take it away with our question of the day. What are we going to answer today? Okay. Is it possible Elvis is my dad? Is it possible? I seem real good and look like him. I know my mom is a huge fan.
02:03:52
Speaker
So the question is, I look like him. Is Elvis my dad? It depends on how old you are, man. The person that replied says, nope, it was an Elvis impersonator. You know what happens in Vegas days in Vegas. That's a way better answer than something I come up with. Justin, say something funnier than that.
02:04:15
Speaker
Elvis is an alien, so your mother was artificially inseminated, and Elvis looked like concert. There you go. Yeah, there you go. So you are an alien. Yeah, could be. Yeah. Yeah, you're an OT, so go phone home, motherfucker.
02:04:29
Speaker
Justin said it means it's true. And when you leave this planet, take us with you. Please. Shoot us out in the space. We don't even want to live on another planet. Shoot us in the space. Shoot us in the space and hopefully we'll find the forkers and we'll go somewhere. Anyway. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Oh no.
02:06:00
Speaker
Does it look good already?