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Creating Your Own Definition of Success
35 Plays3 months ago
As enrollment for The Executive Mom Reset is currently open, we’re replaying one of Leanna’s coaching episodes to give you an understanding of what a coaching session sounds like.
Have you ever stepped back to figure out your own definition of success? In this episode, Leanna coaches Allie, who has been feeling stuck in her career and comes to the conversation looking for strategies for how to advance her career. But through the coaching conversation, she discovers that her definition of success and how she "should" be living is very much informed externally, and it may be time for her to rewrite her own definition of what success means to her. They discuss leadership, worthiness, success, and so much more in this incredibly powerful coaching conversation.
If you’d like to hear another coaching conversation, check out episode 7.
Leanna offers a one-hour, no cost, obligation-free consultation call to custom design The Executive Mom Reset for you.
Start your journey of living a life you love and schedule your free consultation call today at coachleanna.com!
Full transcript available here.
Connect with Leanna here.
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Transcript
Introduction to Executive Mom Reset
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone, welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for being here this week. So if you've been tuning in regularly, last week I shared all about my new program, the Executive Mom Reset. It's a six month coaching program where we work together one-on-one to address lots of things, but especially in the areas of stress management, work life balance or integration, confidence, authentic leadership, and
Coaching Experience with Ali
00:00:31
Speaker
fulfillment. I have loved hearing from you all since I announced that program. And I just wanted to share today a little bit about
00:00:42
Speaker
what it is like to be coached. So I am going to be replaying an episode that I did a while back where I coached Ali. And Ali was really trying to decide what success means to her. And I think it's such an important thing for all of us to spend some time thinking about what success means for us.
00:01:04
Speaker
but I definitely think this is easier to do with a coach. So just to give you a little example of what it's like inside of the executive month reset of what we'll be doing every week in terms of coaching, this is just an example to give you an idea. So I had so many takeaways when I listened to this episode and I hope that you do too. I think that coaching is the most powerful tool out there to help us create the lives that we want. And that really starts with defining what success looks like for us so that we know what we're working toward so enjoy this episode today and if you are interested in joining the executive mom reset there are still spots available if you go to my website coachliana.com you can sign up for a consult call with me and that's where we'll spend an hour together
00:01:54
Speaker
talking about what's going on in your life, talking about what's going on at work, what are your goals for your career, for your life, for your family, etc. And we'll talk about how we're going to get there and how I can help support you in those goals. So I hope you'll join me in a consult call and I hope you
Podcast Mission and Support for Women
00:02:12
Speaker
enjoyed this episode. Have a great week, everyone.
00:02:22
Speaker
Welcome to the Executive Coach for Moms podcast, where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanne Alaski McGrath, former tech exec turned full-time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach.
Ali's Career Challenges
00:02:42
Speaker
All right, so hi, Allie. What would you like to bring to coaching today? Hi. So I have to say, I didn't do your work meta questions or walk through those meta questions. okay So the main thing that comes out of it and that I've been thinking about a lot lately is just kind of this repetitive feeling in and getting stuck in my career or getting stuck where I am or like I get to a place in life and in my career and I feel stuck, trapped or that I want more out of it and I want to
00:03:21
Speaker
learn more or you know it's kind of that the sense of okay well I've mastered this now and want more I want to learn what's the next step but then I and feel like I hit a wall and I get this oh well you know not right now or we can work towards that And it's like, well, I'm ready now. so how of i How do I move forward with my career? And without having to like, you know, find a different company to work for, especially like I like, you know, I might like my company, I like where I am, but then it's like, well, I'm stuck. And it's either wait, who knows how long it might be for the business to be ready, or you kind of jump ship and you try to land ahead that way.
00:04:15
Speaker
but it's it just keeps happening and I don't know how to move forward. Does that fall within my age of age? Yeah, yeah. Well, so if you think about, as you're as you're kind of talking through this, when we finished our session here today, what would you like to walk away with? Like what do you want to get out of this session? I would like to get out of this session some ideas on how to,
00:04:51
Speaker
my goals and what I would like to do. And man maybe some, you know, ideas or maybe action items on like how to get those opportunities and learn to advance, you know, my career naturally, like, I guess. Okay. So it sounds like ah some strategies or ideas on the confidence and the communication okay and actions on how to get opportunities and learning how to advance. And so if you were to pick, like if you were to prioritize, what's the most important of those for you? I think, I mean, I feel like the strategies and and ideas on the communication will help
00:05:38
Speaker
with getting the opportunities. But I do, you know, so I say that, but I almost feel I guess if I'm being like a hundred percent honest, I think actually depends on how to get opportunities and advance would almost be a priority because I do feel like I'm, so I'm a very like self-reflective person. So I have, you know, do a lot of professional, personal development, professional development on skillsets and myself, but I don't, I still don't get seen as a leader or seen as she would be good in this position.
00:06:15
Speaker
you know, and move forward, to move upward like that. So I guess the actions on how to find those opportunities or be seen as that would be probably priority just because that I have not been able to find any resolution for. Okay. Well, as you were saying that, I'm curious, so you said you're not being seen as a leader. Who is not seeing you as a leader? Is that you that's not seeing you that way? Or is that someone else? Well, I think it's part it's partly,
00:06:43
Speaker
me. Okay. But i it's, you know, it's a lot of like feelings, I guess, but, you know, my history has been in smaller companies. And I don't have the opportunity to be put into positions of leadership. So I guess because I'm not in it, I see it as because I'm not in a leadership role, I guess I'm not seen as a leader, that might not be accurate.
00:07:09
Speaker
and What is it about being in a position of leadership or being seen as a leader that's important to you? I think it's the first step of being like having a seat at the table yes and being able to provide ideas and part of the bigger business you know strategy and the approach. and So I feel like being a you know a leader can help develop you know employees who you're working with around their strategy and help coach them towards a better strategy and work together, you know collaborative versus if you're not in that leadership position, you can provide ideas. They're just not prioritized. So you could say things over and over again.
00:07:55
Speaker
but until it's a priority at the top, it doesn't doesn't really get heard as much. does It doesn't have much weight to it. That's interesting. So you're kind of saying like the reason that you want to be in leadership or why this is important to you is that you feel that when you're not in leadership, your ideas are not prioritized and don't carry as much weight. Yeah. i think Okay. Yes. I think so. Cause it's,
00:08:22
Speaker
cause I just had have have a lot of ideas. and you know When I work with a company, I really like i really want to feel like I'm working with you know with that company. like This is what I'm doing, 9 to 5 or more than that. and I want to help it be successful because in return, then I'm successful. and and You know, my customers are successful, who but it's, you know, and we can have conversations and, you know, meetings and, but at the end of the day, you're just an, you know, I'm just an individual contributor, which I really dislike that phrase, but you're just, you know, you're an individual contributor, so it doesn't.
00:09:06
Speaker
hold much unless it's a priority hire. Okay. I want to go back to, I think one of the things I was really curious about is that idea of being seen as a leader and how you are seeing yourself. And the thing that you said that kind of stuck out to me was that you have a lot of feelings about that. Whenever I asked, you know, who's not seeing you as a leader and you said me,
00:09:29
Speaker
And I'm not sure if you've seen this model before it, but it talks about basically that our thoughts create our feelings and then our thoughts and feelings together drive our actions and results. And so.
00:09:43
Speaker
I think what I'm really curious about is the thoughts. Like what thoughts do you have about you as a leader, about seeing yourself as a leader? So like in the sense of how I feel about if I'm a leader now versus well, yeah. Or if you want to start with the feelings you can, you know, you talked about that you have a lot of feelings about it. Like what are those? Maybe let's start with the feelings and then we can back up into what are those thoughts causing those feelings? Yeah. So, uh,
00:10:12
Speaker
I guess, I think my feelings come from the, my confidence issues that I've, you know, kind of always struggled with, that, you know, being not good enough or, and maybe these are kind of thoughts and feelings all in one, but, know, not being enough or not knowing enough, not doing enough in per se. So for example, like I, I,
00:10:40
Speaker
feel like I have a lot of insight into festival success and I have just naturally drawn, you know, I was naturally drawn to it and feel like I have enough. Like it's just, it comes naturally to me and the strategy around it and the reason that, you know, all the business parts of that come to it. However, I feel that because I don't, because I don't do much with it that, or I'm not out on social media or hosting or blogging or whatever, you know, insert,
00:11:09
Speaker
new trendy thing here. I feel that I, you know, that I don't get seen as that, you know, a subject matter expert or the leader in that area where I could help teach others and help, you know, be the go to like, Hey, can you, I have a question or help guide them in this direction. So, um, I guess I feel like I'm afraid to put myself out there. I don't know how to get started. You know, I say I don't know how to get started, but I just,
00:11:39
Speaker
have a block of like and that putting myself expertise because I think that like nobody can see me nobody will see me as a leader or like that expert in that topic. Does that make sense?
00:11:57
Speaker
Well, it's just so interesting because I because here's here's what I heard. And this is not this is not a judgment or anything like that. This is just repeating back to you kind of the the thought track that I'm hearing, because our brains come up with all kinds of things. And so it's nice to maybe step back and kind of look at like, hmm, where did that come from? That's interesting. Maybe I want to question that. So what you're saying is that you have a lot of knowledge and you don't do enough with it. You don't put it out there on social media. And so to me, it seemed like the way that your brain was explaining this was like, maybe if I went out and established myself as an expert, then I would be seen as a leader. You know, I'm going to go out and this is the solution. Like the solution is I need to go out and put myself out there on social media so I can be seen as a subject matter expert. And then that will solve all these problems.
00:12:54
Speaker
But then you talked about that you're afraid to put yourself out there and not knowing how to get started and kind of proactively putting those ideas out in the world because you're afraid that no one will see you as a leader. So it's kind of like a loop, right? Yes. and so But it's this idea of being, I think that being seen as a leader, I've heard you say several, several times so far in our conversation that that's a real, you're afraid to do the solution that would make you be seen as a leader because you're afraid that you won't be seen as a leader. Yeah, it's like a just an infinity circle. Yeah, it's just so interesting. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, I want to be like I have, you know, I want to be seen as a leader, that expert, but then I'm terrified to like actually do it.
00:13:46
Speaker
Yeah. And then I get stuck and then I just don't know. And I say, I don't know what to do. but And then that's the thing that I don't, the the solution in my head is that actually a solution, you know, like that's, then I start questioning, like, no, I don't need to do, I don't need to go on social media. I don't need to, i you know, and then I add add in the shouldn'ts of, I shouldn't have to do that. My work should show me, you know, should be, enough a contribution
The Quest for External Validation
00:14:14
Speaker
should be enough to show that, but it doesn't. Well, yeah. And I also wonder, like, does every leader that you know publish on social media a lot? No, not at all. okay So what does it mean to be seen as a leader? What does that mean to you? I think it means an array of things. okay But it means, you know, it's being, maybe being like leader is in the right term, but it's being the go to
00:14:43
Speaker
person or the one that gets asked for advice or the one that you know gets i guess acknowledged, maybe even more so or recognized for the work and the <unk>ri contribution and how it's helped move things forward. I have and say have this like need to Maybe it's just be seen, not even as a leader, but like I have this need of like feeling recognized, like my work gets recognized and the harder I work, the more I get recognized, the more chance that I will advance and be successful. So like, yes.
00:15:24
Speaker
You know, all of that. Okay. So here's what I noticed about what you're talking about. So being seen as a leader, it sounds like a lot of external things have to happen in order for that to be true. In order for you to be seen as a leader, someone else has to go to you, right? You have to be the go-to person. So people outside of you need to go to you. Someone else needs to ask you for advice. You need to be asked for advice in order to be seen as a leader.
00:15:49
Speaker
your Your work needs to be acknowledged by other people. It needs to be recognized by other people. You're going to keep working hard to get more recognition from other people. Is there anything internal about being seen as a leader? like What does it mean internally? Internally, I think it means being successful, reaching a level of, I guess, money or a salary that means you're successful, which I don't feel, at the same time, I also feel like there's, I'll never hit a salary where I'm like, oh, that amount is, it means I'm successful. um So that's just chasing air. But yeah, it's this sense of feeling like I'm doing something with my life. Like it it's a sense of, you know, I have importance of like, I, yeah. i think
00:16:48
Speaker
I wish there was more to it, but it's really like, I feel like just a sense of a like feeling important and successful and like I've accomplished something. Okay. So I just want to be real clear on it because I think a lot of these are just kind of like big ideas besides like, right. Because you're saying like being successful. What does that mean? I think I give these bigger ideas cause I don't fully know and I don't fully I think deep down, I feel like I don't even believe if I'll ever reach that, feel at like as of right now, I guess, feeling of six being successful. If I could put a, like okay, I'm successful when I hit this, or this is what it means to be successful, I don't know if I truly have an answer, which I think it just comes from, like and I know not to dive too deep into it, but
00:17:46
Speaker
you know, growing up, um parents are both male carriers, and like we struggle, you know, having four siblings, and we struggled with money. And so like, think like that stems like not wanting to struggle, having like the sense of financial freedom, which doesn't even like have to start with your career, which I logically know, but like that, maybe it's like, I'm successful when I don't stress about money you know or I'm successful when I don't, when I am comfortable, I guess, but there really is like, I don't know what the steps are to like, success you know, what that truly means to myself.
00:18:26
Speaker
Well, I think it's interesting, this thing that we do as humans, where we think there's like a prerequisite to like, I will be successful when, and then insert things here. And then we do that, right? Because like, probably at some point in your life, you've got like, I'll be successful when I get a job that pays me, i'll get right? There's like the probably things that you are already doing that years ago,
00:18:56
Speaker
were goals for you or that you felt like would make you feel more successful. But we put since we were putting a condition on it, then what we do is like, we get there, we get to that point, and then our brain starts to do this thing where it's like, well, but I've only worked in small companies, so it doesn't count. Next, like insert next thing here. And as soon as we reach that next thing, then we often discount it, especially as women would discount it and then set a new standard for being able to call ourselves successful, right? like
00:19:37
Speaker
a new requirement. And then it's like, well, once I get there, then, then I'm going to feel good about myself. Then I'm going to feel like I'm enough and I'm going to finally feel successful. And then I'll finally be seen as a leader because I'm successful. But the reality is, is like you said, like it doesn't exist. right It just keeps going. You just keep setting the next thing. It's just like, I mean, people who make hundreds of thousands of dollars,
00:20:06
Speaker
you know, they're like, well, as soon as I get to 100,000, then I'll feel good about it. And then they get to 100,000 and they're like, happy for, you know, five days. And then they're like, Hey, I gotta be making 125. Or it's like, we have to keep advancing, keep raising that bar over and over again for our whole lives. And then we, we end up, what ends up happening is we live our entire lives feeling that we're not enough.
00:20:31
Speaker
feeling like I just got to get to that next thing to be successful and never actually getting there. haha but so I mean, and that's really it, right? I mean, I feel like I did have those goals. And if I think about when I started my professional career, I mean, my husband and I got married and I was making $14 an hour at an emergency bed, like, and then its I'm going to go and get into business and then, you know, and then I did that and then it's like, well, I'm, you know, I got, was doing well. And then so, okay, well I'm going to get into customer success and I hit that and then it's okay. And then it eventually it does turn into that chasing of ah a dollar simple, a certain substance. And like, I don't think it was always that, but it does come to like, wow, I didn't think I could do that. So let's try it.
00:21:28
Speaker
And then it's like the next thing. What is the next thing? And I feel right now it's like, you know, I've been an individual contributor. I do feel like I've been a strong employee and, you you know, with these companies and have contributed a lot to, okay, well, what's the next thing? And that's, you know, leadership and management and moving up the ladder. But yeah, I don't know if that would truly be it.
00:21:55
Speaker
what That's probably not going to be satisfied. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert, it's definitely it's not. okay like yeah it's I to be self-happiness, happy with myself. Well, it's interesting because when you said like chasing money, I don't think it's chasing money. You're chasing something so much more than that. You're chasing self-worth.
00:22:21
Speaker
<unk> right you're chasing like i want You're chasing a feeling. I want to feel successful. I want to be seen as a leader. I want to have all the feelings that I'm going to feel whenever I'm the go-to person and I'm recognized for my work. right like That is what you're chasing, you you and everybody else.
00:22:39
Speaker
you know And I think that, I don't know, maybe it's um sometimes it's important to step back and recognize, like look back a little bit at all the progress that has been made, right? And all the steps forward that you have made because it sounds like, and and I'd love to go back to, you know, you're talking about feeling stuck and trapped and like you've hit a wall and we can dive into that a little bit more, but it sounds like there has been a lot of movement in your career, a lot of progression and advancement along the way.
00:23:07
Speaker
And, you know, you want to keep going. Not that you've been stuck in the same place since you were 18. Right. And that's, it is chasing that, like you know, that self worth of, I'm not what I think I am unless somebody else recognizes it, which is a not a fun feeling to say out loud, but it's truly, you know, that's truly, unfortunately, yeah, what it,
00:23:36
Speaker
comes down to. And then, like you said, like, I'm not stuck in this place that I haven't moved upward or forward. And it's not as if, you know, you have like you were saying, like, even self worth, but just in life in general, like, Oh, if I get married by the time I'm 30, and have kids and all of this, like, I think my life has progressed as what you would typically say is,
00:24:04
Speaker
and you know the normal expectation within society of doing that. And so when I do think back of my accomplishments and where I'm at, I am at a really good place and at a younger age too. I always, I always feel that I'm honestly have a full life ahead of me, you know, my early thirties. So for me too, it's this feeling of, oh, I can do that.
00:24:34
Speaker
Oh, let me, you know, always striving to like, not beat the next thing, but take on the next challenge. you know I don't do well in a sense of calm waters, I guess I could say. um Like if the water's calm, you know, everything's going good. You can, you know, get up on your paddle board, everything's fine. But I have a person that's like, you know, it's, oh, it's windy out today. I think that's like just this weekend. It's like, oh, I'm going to take a paddle by my dad's like,
00:25:03
Speaker
It's way too windy. even No, I can do it. And so it's like this, this sense of like, oh no, I can do it. Like I'd rather go when it's the water's choppy than calm. And so when things are calm and moving forward, you know, nicely, I'm like, okay, what's the next challenge? What can I do? And I'd look to like something to disturb it almost. that's interesting And that's a different kind of piece of like the self worth chasing, you know, chasing the self worth. But I think then when I get to,
00:25:32
Speaker
the calm waters, that's when I really started like checking that, you know, looking for the salt, you know, the, like, oh, do they see everything that I just did? Do they think that they could give me another challenge or was all of that worth it? And then I feel that's where that like, you know, looking for that outside recognition really comes into play is during the smooth waters. I don't know. That was a, I feel like that was a good analogy. Yeah.
00:26:02
Speaker
Well, and it makes sense, right? Because in the treacherous waters, like you are so focused on getting to the next thing, right? Getting there safely and, and you know, doing all the things, I mean, safely in in the real example.
00:26:19
Speaker
But in the metaphor, like getting on the paddle horn right getting getting through whatever it is, like whatever challenges are are coming your way, like that is almost a way to like stay very distracted. you know And then you get there and everything's a little if you said like calm waters and so you have time to think and have time to sit with yourself and you have time to analyze and evaluate and whatever your brain likes to do whenever it has some time and and calm.
00:26:52
Speaker
And so, right. And then it's like, I got to get distracted. I cannot like this is so uncomfortable for me to just sit here in this calm, quiet space with myself, but like, I i need something else. I gotta, I gotta to go distract, right? I don't want to think about this. Right. That's exactly it. Even if it's good, we like, even if it's everything's good, it's like the negative thoughts start coming in, right? The,
00:27:19
Speaker
Well, oh, you just did all of that, but nobody sees it. You know, or, well, why didn't they just come running up to you asking you for promotion or, or, you know, all of these things. It's like, I guess that I yeah sit there and I think, and then I analyze conversations and I analyze.
00:27:38
Speaker
you know, my work and, oh, well, this person said this is a small thing. And then your brain's like, this is so uncomfortable. Get me out of here. I'm sharing something else to focus on. Right. Yep. Okay. Well, the next challenge.
00:27:53
Speaker
Right, exactly. Because what your brain's doing, while it's just sitting there, is looking for confirmation of your original thought, which is, I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough. i I don't know enough. And so it has time to look for that, right? That's what our brains do is like, it's confirmation bias. It's just like, tell me what you want me to believe, right? Like, tell me the belief, and I'm going to go out and find all the evidence in the world to try and back that up. right So whenever the brain has more time to sit still, the brain's gonna go out and start doing that and saying, oh, that conversation with that person, this is how you didn't show up the right way. And the fact that they didn't recognize you means that you didn't work hard enough or you didn't do it right. And now you have to go to go out and prove yourself again, hu right? Yeah, that's really exactly what it is. but which just like you know um You sit there and think about it. it's
00:28:50
Speaker
do you have the good moments of like, oh, I feel so good at you know, with where I'm at. And you know what I'm doing. And then yeah, once you're sitting there quietly, it's like, nope, that wasn't done, right? Nope. Did you hear how they that email sounded? man Yeah.
00:29:08
Speaker
Yeah, well, we live in a hustle culture, right? That's like, go to the, do the next thing, do the next thing. And so we have, there's a lot of people putting work out into the world about just helping people sit still and helping people just write be, because it's
Evolving Life Priorities
00:29:24
Speaker
hard. It's hard whenever we've been conditioned to like, go, go, go. And I think that So you said you're in your early thirties. I think that like our twenties are a time where that hustle culture, like that go, go, go is probably beneficial to us because, you know, we need to, we need to go, we need to get our careers set off. We need to get our lives, you know, get our lives started and everything. And so we do everything quote unquote, right.
00:29:50
Speaker
in our 20s and lots of mistakes too. But we do everything you know that that we need to do to get our life set up. And then we get into our 30s and then we're like, you know having there's a bit of disconnect because it's like, well, like I'm still living that way, but maybe I'm starting to have like different feelings. like I want to like be still with my partner and or children. right like I want to enjoy those moments.
00:30:14
Speaker
Whereas in my 20s, I can just fly on past everything because like I'm so focused on the goal. And so then it kind of shifts it shifts a little bit for us. And I think that is a really common thing where you know at some point in our 30s, we realized, I don't know that I want to live quite like that anymore. I might want to change things up a little bit here. Right. That's a good point because I do feel like my career is in a good place. And, you know, when I really get down to like the what's on paper and everything, I mean, even that what's on paper, but it's in a good place. And then I think, you know, well, you're supposed to be still doing something else. You know, you're supposed to have a side hustler, you're supposed to have a, you know, flipping houses on on the side, you're supposed to have a hobby and all this stuff. And it's like, when I really start thinking about doing those things, and this is like kind of the action and like the social media part of it,
00:31:09
Speaker
that I was talking him about before, it's like, I don't want to. like i it Yeah, I could. Those are good ideas. And I know in myself that if I really wanted to, I could go and start a side hustle or a business or something extra. But when I get down to it, it's like, I don't want to. I don't want to be, like I want my evenings to be with my kids and their activities and you know, like go, go, go with them because that's, it's their time right now, you know, and the day is mine to get work done. And then the evenings are theirs to run from soccer, dance, wherever, but it comes back to like, I don't want to do the extra hustle anymore. Like I'm good at what I do. And I know that, you know, I wish I did wasn't searching for that external recognition, but you're right. Like I'm,
00:32:02
Speaker
Maybe I could have started a side hustle in my 20s, but now I'm like, no, I want to. Do I actually have to? Because that's what the world tells us. How does it feel whenever you kind of recognize that or say that out loud? It feels like when I say it out loud, it feels like a weight is lifted. like it don't you know like It don't have to do that. and It's not something I have to do.
00:32:31
Speaker
um And that's okay, right? But then it's when those calm waters come where like, oh, well, you should have started that side hustle. You would be able to have your challenge then. It's like just another way for the challenge to come back.
00:32:48
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's interesting because I think, you know, we talked at the beginning about like actions and maybe one of the actions is different than the intention you came in here with, but like, what could you say to yourself whenever that thought comes up? But I don't need a challenge. Well, you have a challenge. if you have You have some challenges. I already have enough. Um,
00:33:16
Speaker
And that's exactly it. Like I, that's true. Like I haven't, I have challenges. It's okay to, to relax. But to not have to run after something. And I don't, success does not mean having multiple jobs. Success does not mean having struggling multiple chainsaws. It is a self worth and I think about how I feel when I'm, you know, watching, him you know, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie with my kids, like, that is, you know, satisfies me. and Like, I don't need to be on my computer at seven o'clock at night trying to start a business because I think that's what I should be doing.
00:33:59
Speaker
and And then judging yourself when you're not. Right. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like maybe Ellie had a different version of success or different definition of success. And maybe it was really hard for you to kind of define what being successful means. And so maybe that's a bit of a, some data or like an interesting insight into the fact that maybe your idea of success is evolving, but you're still like holding on to this one because you you know, maybe it needs a bit of conscious intentionality behind it of deciding like, what is at this moment in your life? What is your version of six success? And knowing that in 10, you know, next decade, it'll change probably, right? Like the decade after that, like maybe when your kids go off to college, you want to start a business. Who knows?
00:34:47
Speaker
but you don't need to worry about that right now. What is it right now for you? Right. That is really, I love that successes, the definition of success is evolving, you know, and it evolves over time because I think if I think about it, you know, and through our conversation, like for me, success right now is like just my kids being happy, right? And our family being healthy, like those things. And then like having a good relationship with my husband and those things are, and I haven't even changed the word as like, priority, you know, and that's success right now, like that truly, I think, when I think about it, well, you know, holistically, not just in this context of my career, that is success to me, I guess. And my career does allow me to do that right now, like allows me to turn everything off at more 5pm and be ready when the kids are coming off the bus. And so I guess that is like today, like that would be
00:35:46
Speaker
That's how I measure a successful day. You're being, you know, so you're successful. I think so. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. Look at that. I mean, if I change how I view it, you know, like how we talked about it, and then I think about like, yeah, if I even bring it down to the day, like me having a successful day isn't, if I take a step back, I would say it's not measured by what I got done on my to-do list. It's the end of the day when my kids are happy and where they, did they enjoy school? and Did they enjoy their activities? And, you know, did they learn something? Like that's, did I get dinner on the table? Like, you know, usually like I go to bed rest assured, you know, it's not a measure of did my manager congratulate me on something. ah Yeah. Well, and it's not wrong to want that, of course. We don't want people to recognize our work.
00:36:44
Speaker
right But I think it's like, there's a different relationship to it when you say, I have to have that in order to define myself as successful and therefore be worthy and believe that I'm enough. right That's very different than saying,
00:37:02
Speaker
I really want my manager to recognize me because I feel whole and content knowing that I did enough each day within my priorities that are most important to me. And I'd also really love to be recognized for the work that I'm doing. Like that's ah that's a natural feeling. That's okay to feel that way at first, right? But it's a very different thing than when it's like a desire than when it's a necessity for your work. Yeah. Two different, two different things. There's nothing that comes after.
00:37:31
Speaker
in the second instance of, ah you know, and I would like to be recognized for my work. I feel like usually I add on to that because, stop at that. but Because you're a normal human. Right. Yes. Not because it would make that means I'm successful. Right. Because you already are. You don't need that.
00:37:57
Speaker
Right. I mean, you'd want it, but you you know, it's not a it's not a prerequisite. yeah like that So I think we didn't, I don't know that we did what you wanted.
00:38:10
Speaker
But what are you walking
Internal Success vs. External Recognition
00:38:12
Speaker
away with? or what you know What are your reflections on our conversation today? So I think, I mean, I know we didn't like specifically, you know, talk about strategies and actions and ideas, but I do feel like I'm walking away with an action, almost an action of how to take a step back and looking in at what I've accomplished. and it I think it does kind of come full circle that if I take in the moment of the calm waters and I take a step back and look at everything and then measure like, okay, what does success mean to me today? Or what does the goal mean today? I already feel like,
00:38:51
Speaker
doing that today like okay I feel confident I feel more assert like I don't know if assertive is the right word but uh assured and then I can communicate better and then I can tackle the calm waters like I didn't mean and so just walking away that it's it's also not it's not this funnel perspective I always just kind of look at success or these goals of like, it's just career oriented. And that if it's not happening within my career, then, you know, then it's not happening. And that's not true. It's a broader picture. It's a holistic view. And so and I feel like I'm walking away with a lot of just good ideas of how to take the actions of
00:39:35
Speaker
making myself realize what I've accomplished and how I, my own self worth. Yeah. Well, like I mentioned at the beginning, your actions, it doesn't start with action. It starts with your thoughts and your feelings. Right. So that's where we spend a lot of our time because once you address the thoughts and feelings, then that's going to drive those actions and results. Right. That's how I feel.
00:39:58
Speaker
it's I think it'll be really interesting to see what happens when you show up believing that you're already successful rather than showing up looking for confirmation from outside of you that you are. yeah so you know I think it'll be interesting to see because who knows? like Maybe you you talked about you know wanting to have more confidence. like Maybe that helps you show up in a way that portrays confidence and someone's like, man, we should put our leadership role. Who knows? Who knows? Yeah, but what you have control over because I think you know you talked about all these external forces which obviously you don't have control over and then it's driving you crazy that you
00:40:37
Speaker
you because you're trying to kind of control them. What you do have control over is what are your own thoughts and beliefs and feelings about yourself and that will then drive how
Final Thoughts on Success
00:40:47
Speaker
you show up. Wonderful. Well, a couple last thoughts that I have. yeah One would be, I'm not like a go-do homework kind of coach, but if you wanted to, my recommendation would be just to kind of write down really like like actually put a pen to paper to make it a little bit more tangible of what is your definition of success and what are your priorities and just kind of putting them visually because your brain is going to go back to you have 30 something years of programming that you have to go go go forward forward forward all the time and if you're not then
00:41:24
Speaker
all these terrible things about yourself, you know, and you're not worthy, etc. So your brain will go back there. And it's important because when you think about like neuro pathways in your brain, you have a stimulus going to a response, like if your stimulus is no recognition for work I've done. It goes straight to the belief to reinforce like, I'm not good enough. It wasn't my work wasn't good enough, right? Like, that's a super highway, very well tread path. And now you're trying to tread a new path, right? And these new neural pathways in your brain. And so they're going to be like tiny dirt roads right now. And so these are going to be thoughts that you're going to this and remind yourself of regularly. So you might like write this all down and then set a reminder on your
00:42:09
Speaker
calendar your phone to read it once an hour or every 30 minutes or something. Just to continuously reinforce those thoughts and beliefs so that you can start creating that new pathway because you can't just totally undo 30 plus years of programming that your brain's been doing overnight. It takes some work to solidify it. That would be my recommendation if you wanted to take some action.
00:42:37
Speaker
And then the other thing, as you were talking, this quote that I heard the other day on a podcast came up for me, this woman, she's like in her 70s. She's one of the experts in the Enneagram world. And she was talking in conversation and she said, the more I heal, the less I do.
00:42:57
Speaker
And that just, that quote came up for me as I was thinking about you in those calm waters of just being able to sit and, you know, be able to sit with your child on the couch and watch a movie and just feel content and enjoy that. Right. And rather than feeling like I got to be doing something like I should be hosting on social media right now. And it just, ah it robs us, yeah you know, from those moments that we want to, that we want to enjoy. I really liked that quote.
00:43:22
Speaker
Thank you. Wonderful. Great. Well, anything else you wanted to add? No, this was wonderful. It was a great it great meeting you and great conversation out and around I'm really glad I got to do this. Thank you. Yeah, me too.
Closing and Next Episodes
00:43:40
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in to the Executive Coach for Moms podcast. Please like, subscribe, or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care.