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Resilience in Action: Raising Awareness to Save Lives After Surviving the Unthinkable
39 Plays28 days ago
*CONTENT WARNING: Domestic Violence*
Leanna is joined by Caitlin Roberts, a higher education professional and a survivor of domestic violence, who has made it her mission to raise awareness to hopefully prevent others from enduring similar trauma. Caitlin shares her harrowing experience of being attacked by her partner, which left her with 19 stab wounds and led to seven surgeries. She recounts the emotional and psychological abuse she endured in the years before the attack, as well as the challenges of her recovery. She also discusses the legal aftermath, including the plea deal and the ongoing post-conviction relief process. Caitlin emphasizes the importance of recognizing signs of abuse, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking help, and advocates for self-care and supporting friends who might be in abusive relationships.
Full transcript available here.
Caitlin suggests the following domestic violence resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
Connect with Caitlin for speaking engagements at ForCollegeForLife
Connect with Leanna here.
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:08
Speaker
Welcome to the Executive Coach for Moms podcast, where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanne Alaski McGrath, former tech exec turned full-time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the show. And thank you so much for being here with us this week.
Prevalence of Domestic Violence
00:00:34
Speaker
The episode I'm going to be sharing today is on a topic that is a bit heavier than the content I normally share, but I also think it's a really, really important one. I know that many of the listeners of this show are women and a recent report shared on BreakTheCycle.org stated that nearly Every one in two women in the United States will face physical violence from an intimate partner at some point in their lives. And also that more than 16 million people are impacted by intimate partner violence in any given year in the United States. And so I think it's safe to assume that listeners in our community have either been directly ah impacted by domestic violence or have someone in their lives or on their teams who have.
00:01:22
Speaker
And often before it escalates to physical violence, there is emotional and or psychological abuse in the relationship.
Guest Introduction: Katlyn Roberts
00:01:31
Speaker
And so today I'm sharing a conversation I had with an old friend of mine, Katlyn Roberts. Katlyn has worked in higher education for over 20 years and she is a strong advocate for and an amazing supporter of her students. Five years ago, Katlyn was brutally attacked and almost killed by her partner and the father of her child.
00:01:51
Speaker
After enduring years of emotional and psychological abuse but missing the signs in the hopes of having a happy family, now she's speaking out and sharing her story. And she really wants to speak for those who can't. She wants to bring awareness in the hopes of helping others avoid a situation like hers. And so I just think this is such an important topic to bring to our community to help spread awareness and hopefully to help make an impact.
00:02:17
Speaker
I do want to share a content warning that we will be talking about the details of the attack. And so if you're not in a place to hear that, then please take care of yourself. She also shared some of the signs that she missed before the escalation happened, which I genuinely hope will be helpful for anyone who might see themselves in Katlyn's story.
Surviving the Attack
00:02:36
Speaker
And please share this episode with anyone in your life who you think might benefit from hearing it. This attack completely changed her life and that of her young sons.
00:02:45
Speaker
Katlyn was stabbed 19 times in the chest, arms, and neck, and she's undergone seven surgeries to physically recover. And of course, there's also the emotional recovery from the trauma for her and her son. Katlyn is such a kind and caring person, and she's also extremely strong and resilient. And I'm just so grateful that she's still with us to continue shining her beautiful light in this world. So thank you so much for joining me. And now on to today's conversation.
00:03:20
Speaker
Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the show. And thank you so much for joining us today. I am so excited to welcome my very old friend from a few lifetimes ago, Katlyn Roberts. We spent some time together back when I lived in California for grad school 20 years ago. And so I'm so excited to welcome her onto the show today. So welcome, Katlyn. Thank you so much for being here with us. Thanks so much, Leanna. I'm really excited to be here. Yeah.
00:03:48
Speaker
Well, if maybe you could start off just telling us all a little bit about yourself and where you are in the world, who you are in the world, and what we should know about you. Yeah, let's see. I currently um live in Oregon. I work at the University of Oregon as the director of fraternity and sorority life. I've been here about seven years and just love being here. And then I actually like the rain, so it's not so bad. For a Southern California girl where I grew up, it's definitely a change, but it's been a great experience. I grew up 15 minutes from Disneyland in Orange County.
00:04:27
Speaker
and was really lucky to be able to have that as part of my childhood. I went to California State University San Bernardino for undergrad and Pepperdine University where I received a master's in psychology.
00:04:41
Speaker
I've been working in higher education for 21 years now, almost 22. And I love working with college students and being able to build relationships and see them grow in their lives um after they graduate. I've seen marriages and babies and divorces and the whole life cycle of students.
Mission to Educate
00:05:08
Speaker
ah Five years ago, i my whole life changed when I became the victim of domestic violence. So I've made it my mission to share my story with the hopes of impacting even just one person so that they can recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship and not experience what I experienced.
00:05:29
Speaker
yeah Yeah, and I'm so grateful to you for sharing your story. It's so brave of you and selfless of you because I mean, I'm sure when you when you share it, you're having to relive the experience and obviously it was a a painful one. And so as you've been sharing your story, how have you found that to be? Has that been challenging? Has it been healing? A little bit of both?
00:05:54
Speaker
Probably a little bit of both, but I think I find it more healing than then challenging. I think every time I share it, I feel a little bit better. So it's like I share a little bit more of the story or maybe a little bit less of the story, but I'm able to share it in that moment with what feels right for that audience or whoever I'm speaking with and it it does help my heart a little bit. I find that a few days after, so if I speak to an audience and share the story, um it's a couple days later where I just am like
00:06:34
Speaker
I need a breather now. um I think I get so excited about speaking and I prepare myself so much for that, that it takes a little bit of time to kind of unwind from from it. And it took me a little bit of time to figure out that that's that's what was happening because I kind of expected to have that let down right away and it didn't happen for a couple of days. So now I know that a couple of days later, I'm going to need to take care of myself a little bit extra.
00:07:02
Speaker
Yeah, that's so interesting. When you first started saying that I was thinking, is she talking about like how Brene Brown talks about vulnerability hangovers? and Yeah, it it really is a lot like that. Yeah, I think that's a great way to describe it. Yeah, I know sometimes when when I share a part of my story and then I'm like, Oh, did I say it to how I wanted to and did it resonate and yeah, that kind of thing. So I would love if um you can maybe tell us, I don't know if it makes most sense to start at start at the beginning chronologically or start with the night five years ago where it changed your life and then take us back.
Relationship Red Flags
00:07:37
Speaker
You tell me.
00:07:38
Speaker
I think probably chronologically I can share. okay So I grew up in an upper middle class area um of Orange County and my parents were married when I was two and a half and my dad adopted me when I was five and he was the only dad I'd ever known.
00:07:58
Speaker
And I think they really loved each other, but they didn't like each other very much. I didn't have a real healthy example of relationships growing up, and I think I i had a lot of desire to just be loved and have someone pay attention to me and and care about me. My first relationship when I was 16 was incredibly emotionally and psychologically abusive. He
00:08:29
Speaker
never really acted like he liked me that much. Yet I stuck around and went through a lot of difficult situations. When Prom came around, he told me that his mom wanted him to take someone else because she wanted better pictures. He would tell me things like, my friends don't know why I'm dating you. They think I could do so much better. And so I just kind of took that all in. I didn't I didn't get angry with him.
00:09:00
Speaker
I was angry at his mom for her comments I was angry at his friends and I didn't see that he was using these comments to manipulate me and to really break me down which is exactly what he did and so I stayed in that relationship for almost three years.
00:09:19
Speaker
And we went to college together, and I really didn't think very highly of myself at all. I didn't like myself very much. um And it it showed in you know my patterns of relationships. I didn't have a relationship for a long time. And ah in 2012, I met Chris.
00:09:39
Speaker
and we started dating and it was a whirlwind romance. um He was so sweet and attentive and kind and fun. We had a lot of fun and it moved very fast and within five months we had moved in together and a couple months after that I found out that I was expecting our son and everything was looking great for me.
00:10:06
Speaker
um I had always wanted to be a mom, I had this relationship, but it was actually um the day we moved in where I started having second thoughts. He just like a switch flipped and he just wasn't nice to me anymore.
00:10:21
Speaker
and that went on for the remainder of our relationship. He cheated and really wasn't even ashamed of it. He just, yeah, I did it. So what are you going to do about it? He treated me very poorly. But I was in this space of I want to have a happy family. I knew he didn't have a great childhood growing up. And so I thought,
00:10:45
Speaker
that I could give him this happy family that he had missed out on. And my mindset was so challenged, I guess. I just had this thought that I was going to make the difference and I could create this happy life for everyone, my son, my partner, myself. But the reality is that I didn't like myself very much, so I allowed myself to be treated poorly.
00:11:14
Speaker
And he wasn't looking for the same thing I was looking for. He made it very clear that he never wanted to get married. So I was like, okay, that's fine. I don't need to get married.
00:11:25
Speaker
Had that been something that you wanted and and you changed that or? Yeah. I, I always pictured myself getting married and then eventually I just kind of settled into, okay, well he doesn't want to get married. I'll be fine. We'll just not get married. And I look back on so many things where I just settled because I didn't want to start a fight. I didn't want to, you know, muddy the waters. I just wanted peace and wanted happiness and you can't force somebody to be happy, you just can't. And I get frustrated with myself still because I think about you know my education. I have two degrees in psychology and I studied relationships and I always was able to have difficult conversations with friends who were in you know challenging relationships. and
00:12:16
Speaker
I couldn't do that for myself and it's hard to look back and see that and it's hard to say there's so many things I could have done differently but I didn't learn that and so I thought what I
Realization and Denial
00:12:31
Speaker
was doing was normal. I thought the situation I was in was normal for me. And I realized so much now that I didn't deserve it. I didn't I deserve to be treated better. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be respected. And that just didn't exist in that relationship. Yeah.
00:12:52
Speaker
I think it's really hopefully helpful for people to hear that you, who's highly educated with multiple psychology degrees, who regularly gives advice to friends and supports them in their relationships, did not recognize the signs because maybe for someone who doesn't have those qualifications,
00:13:15
Speaker
who hasn't recognized the signs, maybe they can see also that it's not our fault that we don't recognize these signs because I'm sad we're not always taught them. And I think sometimes it's so much easier to look at someone else's relationship from a third-party perspective and be able to share our thoughts about that than when we're in it. And I think that, you know, especially when we have a friend where we're like, it's so clear, like, what is she doing? Get out, get out. You know, it's really hard to be that person on the outside, but you know, it's like we have just a totally different vantage point and vision, right?
00:13:53
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. And it's way easier to see it from the outside. Yeah. And you know, I found myself, um I was really embarrassed by it. I didn't want anyone to know what was happening because I prided myself on empowering women and being an advocate for women and not standing for abuse, but I couldn't do that for myself.
00:14:19
Speaker
um and I think that has been really hard to reconcile and I've really been doing a lot of work lately to kind of let myself know that it's okay and when you know better you do better and so I'm really focused on on that piece now and you know breaking the cycle for my son so that he sees healthy relationships and he doesn't see what I went through as normal. um And I think given the circumstances, he knows that's not normal, but it's still a hard cycle to break. And so we talk about that a lot. And we talk about how um we treat people and how we expect others to treat us and what's so important.
00:15:05
Speaker
I wonder if this is some cognitive dissonance where like you're doing the women's empowerment and advocating for women. And so then it's almost like your brain's like, I have to tell Katlyn a different story about what's happening here to keep her safe, right? Because there's no way she can go out and do that work that she cares about and see this for what it is. So like, I'm just going to like change the story for her to make this okay and and make sure she doesn't recognize what's happening.
00:15:35
Speaker
Yeah, I think so. Because I remember, you know, kind of having conversations with myself, like, I think you're in an abusive relationship. if You know, he was never physical with me. And Chris is a really good guy. He's six foot five and weighed about 270 pounds. And he definitely had a size advantage on me. But I never felt intimidated by him. I never felt scared of him physically.
00:16:01
Speaker
He was much more controlling of me in a in a psychological and emotional type of way. We met in California and ah about two years into our relationship, we moved to Georgia and we lived there for two years. And that was a really tough move for me. I didn't have family really nearby and I was the breadwinner. He was barely working.
00:16:31
Speaker
and you know our son was a toddler, so there was a lot of emotion and in that sense. and so There was a lot going on and it just it was really hard on me. and i I made some really dear friends while I was there, but the job wasn't everything I i wanted it to be. and I wasn't happy. I really wasn't happy. and so The opportunity to move to Oregon came up and I jumped at it. Chris was excited for it. He was like packing before I even got home from my interview. he He was completely behind it. But once we got here, things just went downhill rapidly. um
00:17:15
Speaker
And he wasn't home much. He would just disappear for days at a time. He was angry at me because I hadn't helped him find a job before we moved. And um eventually he did get a job and he actually worked in the same building that I work in at U of O. And in my head, I'm like, oh, this is great. You know, I'll be able to have lunch with him and see him. And it really almost became a burden of like,
00:17:43
Speaker
Oh, yeah. you know There he is again, kind of thing. Everybody at work loved him though. He it was very charming. And so they all you thought he was it was a great person and he was not a great dad. He he would have his moments, but he threatened our son. Unfortunately, he never physically hurt him, but our son was scared of him and really didn't like him much.
00:18:13
Speaker
So in November of 2019, I found out he was
Confrontation and Separation
00:18:17
Speaker
cheating again. I honestly now don't think he ever really stopped, but I knew that there were multiple women that he was with. um And I confronted him on it and he was like, yeah, so what are you going to do about it? And so I told him he needed to leave.
00:18:33
Speaker
that I had bought a house when we moved here and he was angry that I hadn't put his name on it and that was the best thing I ever did was not get involved in owning anything with him and actually at that point I was really glad I wasn't married to him either there because it was a lot easier to dissolve the relationship For so long, I had held on to wanting to be in a relationship and wanting this to be all right. And at that moment, I i remember I was standing in my dining room and I was just like,
00:19:07
Speaker
I don't like him and I don't wanna be around him anymore. So he you know was worried about finding a place to live and my bleeding heart, I wasn't gonna put him out on the street. And so I um told him that he could stay and sleep on the couch until he found a place.
00:19:31
Speaker
And then it started getting closer to the holidays. And so I said, you know, you can you can stay until after the holidays. And then my reasoning was that I didn't want my son's memories of Christmas that year to be when his dad left.
00:19:45
Speaker
And so I thought, well, you know, if he stays through the holidays, then we can peacefully end this afterward. My mom had moved in with us a few months before and, you know, that, that provided some challenges having my mom in the house, but she helped with childcare and that sort of thing. And so.
00:20:11
Speaker
It got closer to
The Night of the Attack
00:20:12
Speaker
Christmas. It was December 19th and a new Star Wars movie came out and AJ and my son and Chris had this tradition of going to opening night of the movies that they like to see. So all ah the Marvel movies and Star Wars and things like that. And so he um took AJ to the movies that night and It was a late night, but the next day was going to be the last day of school before the winter break. And it was a pajama day for AJ, who was very excited. He was in kindergarten and he was really looking forward to that day. You know, they could take their stuffy and wear their PJs. So they got home about 10 o'clock and.
00:20:54
Speaker
AJ came upstairs and got into my bed, and I never saw Chris. he He stayed downstairs. And we went to sleep. And then about 3 AM, m my bedroom door opened, and it was pretty forceful. you know I always say, like if somebody's sleeping, you usually try to be real quiet if you open the door. And this was not quiet. um And so it woke me up. And I looked up, and Chris was standing next to my bed. and And I said, what's going on? And he just kind of stood there. And then he said, nothing. Don't worry about it. And he started to walk out of the room. And then he came back and picked up my phone off the nightstand and then left and went downstairs. And I was just saying, this is so weird. you know What is he doing?
00:21:44
Speaker
And then I was awake, and so I was wondering what time it was, and I picked up my iPad to check the time. It was 3.09 a.m., and I had five missed text messages from him. And they said things like, are you awake? Can you come downstairs, please? I want to talk to you. Please come downstairs.
00:22:08
Speaker
So I thought, well, I'm awake now. I may as well. So I made sure AJ was tucked into bed and asleep and I went downstairs. I got to the bottom of the stairs and I could see Chris standing in the living room. It was dark, but I could see him and he was standing in front of this massive Christmas tree that we had gotten that year. And he was just standing there and I said,
00:22:32
Speaker
what What's going on? I'm here. Let's talk. And he said, well, when were you going to tell me about all these guys? I had no idea what he was talking about. And he started naming people. And I'm like, I don't know who these people are. And then it dawned on me that a couple of months prior, my best friend and I, we've been friends since fourth grade, we had been kind of joking around and sending memes back and forth to each other of like,
00:23:01
Speaker
horrible dating profiles and so it was like men holding up dead fish and you know things that just we were just kind of joking around about it. Well he saw those and assumed that those were people that I had legitimately been talking to and and never mind the fact that he actually was involved with other women, yeah but i know I wasn't allowed to to have conversations with other people, even fictional ones. So I kind of started to laugh because I thought, well, you know, they were a joke. So I said, are you talking about those messages with Wendy? And he said, oh, you think it's funny? um Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you.
00:23:44
Speaker
And so at that point I said, you need to get out of my house. And I moved over to the couch to sit down. And I said, give me my phone back. I want you out, but give me my phone back. And so he went to the other end of the couch and there was a throw pillow laying there and I figured he was getting my phone for me. And the next thing I knew, he had me pinned to the couch and I saw his arm go up like this and come down and I could see a knife um in his hand.
00:24:17
Speaker
And I remember saying, are you stabbing me? And he just kept saying, shut up, bitch, shut up, bitch, over and over. At that point, I yelled for my mom and I said, he's stabbing me, he's killing me.
00:24:35
Speaker
And she heard me and rushed into my room where AJ was and barricaded the door and called 911. I found out later that AJ had actually woken up when I got up and he was sitting at the top of the stairs and heard his dad say, shut up, bitch, shut up, bitch. He got scared and ran back into my room, but he he knew something was going on.
00:25:01
Speaker
So Chris continued to stab me. um The first two wounds were on my arm and he was trying to get my throat. So I actually tucked my chin and so I had several wounds ah along my chin. This one actually nicked and lacerated my lung um and then there's one over here.
00:25:21
Speaker
And at one point I grabbed the knife, um so I have a defensive wound where the knife kept and a couple other ones on my hands. And I remember saying to him, do you really want to leave your son without a dad? And he said, I want to leave my son without parents. And that's when I knew that he was going to kill me and there was no question. It was all very surreal and I didn't feel the wounds. my bla My brain blocked the pain so I really didn't feel it happening but I could see things happening.
00:26:03
Speaker
And for some reason in my head, I thought if I can turn my back to him because I knew he was going for my throat, if I could turn my back to him, then maybe I would be safer. And so I managed to roll over and he started on my head. And so he actually started right here and there's scars kind of all the way down, um one behind my ear.
00:26:27
Speaker
And I was wiggling and trying to fight, but I really, there wasn't a lot I could do. I i was pretty, I was pinned down. i I really couldn't move much. And the final wound went in into my neck here and it came out my throat right here. And I actually could see the blade um sticking out of me. the It was an eight inch blade on the knife. So I said to him, I'm dead. I'm dead. And I just went limp.
00:26:59
Speaker
He took that as, you know, that I really was, I think. And he took the knife out, walked into the kitchen and laid it in the kitchen sink.
00:27:10
Speaker
While he was in the kitchen, I rolled onto the floor and played dead. He walked out of the house. And as he was walking out the front door, I could hear that he was making a phone call. And I found out later that he had made two phone calls to his ex, who he has a daughter with.
00:27:29
Speaker
And I don't know any details. She wouldn't share the details of those phone calls. He left voicemails. Anyway, I did know that he called her.
Police Intervention
00:27:39
Speaker
I laid on the floor and cried out for my mom, but I was too weak. She couldn't hear me. My room is pretty soundproof, so The fortunate part is that they couldn't hear anything that was going on downstairs. But my mom had been on the phone with the call taker for 911, who has now become a dear friend of mine. And she put the call out and they the police got there in three minutes.
00:28:08
Speaker
oh And actually from quite a distance, that could normally take about 15 minutes on ah on a good day, and they got there in three. well The arresting officer is someone who I have mutual friends with from Orange County. He grew up there. It's just kind of funny how you know the small world comes together. They found Chris sitting on the curb, kind of hidden behind his car, covered in blood, and arrested him.
00:28:35
Speaker
I, while I laid on the floor, I could feel my body dying. I knew I was dying. And um all I could think about was my son and what would happen to him. As a mom, I know you can understand that you your kids are your priority. And I knew that I had to be there for him.
00:28:56
Speaker
I found a blanket on the floor and it tried to put pressure on my neck so that I could you know try to stop the bleeding. And then I heard my front door open and they said, Eugene Police Department, who did this to you? I said, Christopher Hampton. And um they said, okay, we got him.
00:29:18
Speaker
And it was kind of a sense of relief. And then I was like, help me. you know Help me. And they came into the house. They actually were very concerned that he had an accomplice. So they were searching the house. um And two officers went um to help my mom and AJ. And two officers came to me. One of them kneeled down next to me. And I remember saying, please don't let me die.
00:29:47
Speaker
And he was trying to be reassuring, and he was saying, we're not going to let that happen. And he carried combat gauze. And so he took the combat gauze out. And combat gauze has a special coagulant in it to stop bleeding. And it was designed for the military. And so he put that onto my neck to stop the bleeding. And I actually did die on my living room floor, but came back on my own.
00:30:17
Speaker
um And I remember I wanted to sit up. They had rolled me over onto my back and I couldn't breathe. And so I wanted to sit up. And so they helped me sit up and I leaned against this officer's legs. And he told me later he was kind of almost holding me in a choke hold to keep me up. And I actually died again um in that position.
00:30:41
Speaker
The paramedics got there, and when they removed the gauze, I came too. I will came back, and it wasn't bleeding anymore. And Shane, the police officer, said he he really thought I was gone. And the paramedics said, no, actually, the combat gauze did its job, and it it has stopped the bleeding.
00:31:05
Speaker
So I remember them carrying me out of my house on like a tarp. And when we got outside, it was raining and I felt the rain on my face. And they put me in the ambulance. And I remember um as the ambulance left, I was trying to follow what direction we were going and think about like what street we were on.
Recovery and Treatment
00:31:25
Speaker
And when we got on the highway, they turned the sirens on and it was a straight shot to the hospital. So I knew at that point I was close. I was really close to the hospital.
00:31:36
Speaker
When we got there, what what it felt like, I don't know what reality was, but what it felt like is that they just wheeled me out of the ambulance and straight into the trauma room. and My eyes were closed for most of it, I think. And when we got into the trauma room, I could hear all these voices and there was a doctor at my feet and he was introducing himself. And then I looked to my left and there's a man standing there with this big beard and he said, um hi, I'm Andy and I'm your nurse.
00:32:11
Speaker
And here then he said, what's up Buttercup? And I just remember thinking like he was going to take care of me. He was my angel in that moment. And I held up my hand and he said, do you want me to hold your hand? And I said, yeah.
00:32:30
Speaker
So Andy took my hand. I was pleading, you know, please don't let me die. Please don't let me die. And everyone in the room was like, we're going to take care of you. I remember they they cut my pajamas off and I was thinking, I really liked those pajamas. It's so funny, you know, what sticks out to you. I was wearing a diamond necklace that actually the pendant had been my grandmother's wedding ring.
00:32:59
Speaker
And they were so cautious with it. It was on this very thin chain and I'm amazed that it survived the attack and they took it off and put it in a little bag and made sure my mom got it and Then I don't remember much. They they put me to sleep. I ended up having ah two surgeries that day. One to just stitch me up, staple me up. And then later in the day, a hand surgeon stitched up my hand. And I spent um two and a half days in the ICU.
00:33:34
Speaker
And then a couple days later, they did another surgery because the wound in my neck had a blood clot in it. So they went in to clean that up. I ended up spending six days in the hospital, including Christmas Day. And I was released the day after Christmas. And I've just been focused on my recovery since then. So we're coming up on the five year anniversary ah in December.
00:34:00
Speaker
And I realized that the calendar this year falls the same as the calendar was in 2019. So the attack happened on a Friday and that day is on a Friday again this year. And I looked at that just yesterday and it kind of gave me a little start like, Oh, this is going to look just like it did, but it won't because I'm safe. Yeah.
00:34:23
Speaker
ah It's heavy, I know. Yeah. I have so many things to ask you and nothing seems to do justice to your story. But ask, you know, I wanted and want to share, I want to talk about it, so.
00:34:36
Speaker
Yeah. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm like trying to hold back tears myself. And just when you say you're safe, I mean, now, is there a trial? Is there a justice process? Do you have to go through all of that after you've been terrorized and So they they took him to the police station and interviewed him. He was ah kind of incoherent for a while. He claimed he blacked out, but then he did confess and he ended up taking a plea deal.
00:35:13
Speaker
It got dragged out quite a bit. ah He, I think, wanted less time. In Oregon, we have a law, it's called Measure 11, dictates mandatory sentences for violent crimes. And in Oregon, the mandatory sentence for attempted murder is 90 months or seven years, but it's also 90 months for first-degree assault.
00:35:40
Speaker
So they decided to charge him with first degree assault because it's easier to prove. so He pled guilty to first degree assault with the mandatory 90 day sentence and then I wanted more time. My hope was that he would not get out until my son had graduated from high school. He ended up getting 12 years.
Legal Proceedings
00:36:02
Speaker
The five years enhancements were because he had hid the knife um and planned the attack um or indicated that that the attack was planned.
00:36:14
Speaker
and because my son was in the home and he was sick at the time. So because the attack happened in December of 2019 and then in March of 2020, COVID hit, everything stopped. So he actually spent like a year and a half in the county jail before it was sentenced and while they worked everything out and all of the hearings were done virtually.
00:36:43
Speaker
So he was finally sentenced on February 8th of 2021. And I attended that hearing virtually um and read a victim's in impact statement. And then he went to prison. He was initially sent to a prison that's on the border of Oregon and Idaho. It's about nine hours from where I live and was only there a year. And then he was moved to Oregon State Penitentiary, which is in Salem which is our capital and it's about an hour from where I live. I was pretty unnerved by that because he was so much closer but I've kind of come to terms with it now. He has filed for something called post-conviction relief.
00:37:29
Speaker
And essentially, it's kind of like an appeal process for someone who pled guilty. So even though he pled guilty and accepted the terms of the sentencing, he is now claiming that his original attorney did not live up to her constitutional duties. So he she failed him in defending him.
00:37:55
Speaker
So that case is going before a judge. It was supposed to happen at the beginning of October. Now it looks like it's not going to happen until the spring. His attorney now wants to settle for the original mandatory sentence of 90 months, which would mean he could get out in two years.
00:38:16
Speaker
I'm not okay with that. And fortunately, the WDA that I'm working with is not okay with it either. So if he wins, which is very likely to happen, it means we start back at zero. So he either takes another plea deal or he we go to trial. We're not going to accept a plea deal for anything less than what was originally sentenced. That's 144 months.
00:38:45
Speaker
And if we go to trial, we're going to seek more time. Even though at this point it is still a few years off when he'll be released, I'm scared. Thinking about him not being in prison is scary to me. We actually had some contact with him. I ah was allowing him to reach out to my son. For my son's sake, i I wanted him to know who his dad was. But my son doesn't care. He refuses to call him dad. He calls him Chris. He had nothing to say to him when they did talk on the phone. And when we would receive a letter, he wasn't even interested in reading it.
00:39:31
Speaker
Chris reached out to me one day and told me that his attorney wanted to talk to me. I guess she wants wanted to talk to me to see how I felt about reducing his sentence.
00:39:44
Speaker
And that was the switch that flipped. And I said, absolutely not. I have nothing to say to her. I have nothing to say to you. So he's blocked on all platforms and cannot reach us anymore. And actually, AJ and I were just talking about it last night. And we agreed that we both feel a lot better.
00:40:05
Speaker
There's no no thought of him. He's like gone now. And we both feel kind of this huge sense of relief that we don't have to worry about talking to him and we don't have to worry about hearing from him. So I'm a little nervous, I think rightfully so, about what the future holds um with his sentencing. But I'm hopeful that we'll come out of this OK. Yeah.
00:40:34
Speaker
I am so sorry you have to relive it and go through the this whole process again. I had no idea that that was even a thing that could happen. I didn't either. But hopefully it the sentence stands. I'm curious for you, like as you've kind of been on this healing journey for the last five years, what have you found to be the most essential components to your healing?
Therapy and Healing
00:40:58
Speaker
therapy. I have an amazing therapist who I just love and she's just been wonderful. It's been a journey, you know, I really have had to come to terms with a lot of things from my childhood and even adulthood in and just, you know, kind of learning to like myself and When I say that, I think a lot of people who know me well are surprised by that um because I come across as pretty confident. But I've done a really good job of like putting on a face and being someone different in public than I am to myself. I don't think even my close friends knew the extent of a lot of it.
00:41:48
Speaker
sharing my story has been helpful and I've always been a pretty transparent person but like extra transparent now and I will tell my story to anyone who wants to hear it and I will answer any question that anyone has. It has really helped me you know as I mentioned I work with college students and I spoke at a conference last year and There was this group of three women sat in the front row, and when it was over, they said, thank you, and they left. And I was kind of gathering my stuff up, and a few minutes later, they came back into the room and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. And they said, sure. So we stepped out into the hallway, and one of them shared, and she said, I didn't realize
00:42:37
Speaker
that I had been in an abusive relationship until I heard you talk about it and it turned out she had a restraining order against an ex-partner who was stalking her and she never saw that as abuse. She was terrified and he was still reaching out to her and still trying to contact her and I could see the fear in her eyes but She said she felt validated because she finally understood that it wasn't okay to be treated that way. And what she was going through was was dangerous and not okay. And I think about her all the time. I spoke for a while with her and her friends. Her friends hadn't even known that this was happening until that moment.
00:43:30
Speaker
And I shared some resources with her and, you know, asked her to connect with some specific people and I really hope she did. um And I really hope she's okay because I think about her a lot.
00:43:45
Speaker
But every time I share my story, there are multiple people. um One of my students here at Oregon came up to me after a program and said, I was the AJ in my story. I was your son. I just want you to to know he'll be OK.
00:44:02
Speaker
And oh, that got me. But that is is really what helps me heal is trying to help other people, but healing myself too, you know taking care of myself and prioritizing my self care and knowing that it's okay to say no. The hardest word for me to learn to say, but um it's okay to say no. And I talk about you know setting healthy boundaries and And someone asked me, once well, how do you set healthy boundaries without hurting someone's feelings? And I kind of did some crowd sharing with that one, you know like, what do other people think? And the thing is, like you don't own someone else's feelings. They're responsible for their feelings. And if they're angry or upset that you have set boundaries for yourself,
00:45:00
Speaker
That's on them, not on you. You have to take care of yourself and and be responsible for your own feelings. And as I said it, I was saying it to myself and I repeat it to myself regularly because it's hard. It's really hard. But I think for me, that's the key to having healthier relationships is standing up for myself and and making sure that my needs are met. Yeah.
00:45:29
Speaker
I think so often as women, we are often prioritizing other people's comfort over our own. And so, I mean, in that example of if I set a boundary, are they going to be upset about it? Well, really the choices is like, are they going to be upset about me setting the boundary?
00:45:47
Speaker
Or am I going to continue to live in a way that doesn't work for me, you know, like at the sacrifice of sparing their potential bad feelings about it. And it's kind of like sometimes we have to choose ourselves and recognize that we are by not setting a boundary, by not potentially upsetting someone, which number one, we don't even know if they will be. And number two, like you said, we don't own their feelings. That's emotional adulthood is on them for them to own their own feelings. Right. But we're constantly letting ourselves down so that we don't let somebody else down. Yeah, and boy I agree. Absolutely.
00:46:27
Speaker
Like you said, whenever she said about your son's going to be okay, what about AJ in terms of his healing journey? And I mean, because, you know, you're having your own healing journey and having to go through this, and then you're also supporting your young son through this as well. How's that been?
00:46:44
Speaker
But it's been hard.
Support for Son AJ
00:46:45
Speaker
He's had a lot of anger and um a lot of emotion, you know, for the first probably three months after it happened, he would cry every night that he missed his daddy. And, you know, it was hard because In a sense, I missed him too. I missed what I wanted him to be. And I remember a friend saying to me, how are you doing with the breakup with the end of your relationship? Because not only did this horrific thing happen to you, but your relationship is totally over. And very suddenly,
00:47:25
Speaker
And I think, you know, in my head, the relationship had been over a long time. And I was starting to come to terms with that before everything happened. So that helped a lot. But AJ wasn't prepared for that, you know, and he never got to say goodbye to his dad. It was just like, all of a sudden, dad was gone and mom was in the hospital because of dad.
00:47:50
Speaker
He saw a wonderful therapist for several years and unfortunately she moved and so we tried virtual but it just it didn't work very well for him. So we go through a lot of challenges. He has a lot of anxiety. He is very attached to me and I feel a lot of pressure to raise a healthy man but also I think, to a certain extent, I'm like, this kid's been through so much. When he's struggling and doesn't want to go to school, it's really hard to make him go to school. So I think that's a battle that we battle but all the time with, am I letting him get away with too much? Or am I just nurturing him through the trauma? and Just meet meeting his needs. Yeah.
00:48:43
Speaker
Yeah, and people don't understand. You can share the story. I always, at the beginning of the school year, I always let his teachers know, and some of them have just been incredibly supportive. No one no one's been difficult. um It's just that they don't quite get it, you know, they don't get it at the level of trauma that this kid's been through and so I want him to be healthy. I want him to have a good strong productive life and healthy relationships but I also want to make sure he's okay. I want to take care of him.
00:49:22
Speaker
So it's it's a fine balance that we walk, but he's so smart. He's such a smart kid and he's really funny. And he's very athletic, which did not come from me. He can play any sport and excel at it. And I love seeing him grow and having conversations with him about the world. And he has you know just Brilliant theories and it's very observant and it's just really cool to watch. And I just hope every day that he's gonna be okay. I think he is. I really do. And I just really wish he hadn't had to go through everything that he's been through. Yeah.
00:50:07
Speaker
Yeah, well, Katlyn, no doubt you're doing an amazing job supporting him. I mean, obviously we can't go back and erase the past and the thing that we wish that had happened, but it sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can to support him as best you can.
00:50:26
Speaker
Yeah, I think I really try to focus on that. And you know I'm really lucky that I work in a very supportive environment where family comes first. And so if I need to go pick him up or today he's actually here in the office with me, you know he came to work with me today, that that's OK. And when I was hurt initially, it was my work family who stepped in and took AJ and they had him you know he stayed with a couple different people for a couple days at a time and he celebrated Christmas with you know two or three different families and they all just took him in and loved him and took care of him so that he didn't have to be in a hospital or that so that my mom could be with me and and didn't have to you know worry about
00:51:21
Speaker
where he was and and what he was doing. And I don't think that's something that I'll ever feel like I've been grateful enough for. I mean, I'm so grateful and I don't know that there is a way to express that enough to these people who who were there and who helped. But I didn't know then, but my baby was safe and that was all I could ask for. And so he's a lucky kid because there's a lot of people who love him and care about him.
00:51:51
Speaker
Yeah.
Recognizing Abuse
00:51:52
Speaker
Well, I'm curious, you said about how people come up to you after and said they didn't, now they can recognize you know that they have been in or are in an abusive relationship. So you shared some of the things that you experienced. Is there anything else that you would recommend or that advise people to look out for you know signs um that they are potentially in an abusive relationship?
00:52:19
Speaker
Yeah, you know, I think my relationship with Chris developed really fast. um There was a lot of what we call love bombing now. Everything has a name now. It didn't have a name when I was going through it. It's nice to be able to identify it. But that that feeling of like, oh, he he loves me so much or And I'm not saying this doesn't just happen, it isn't just men who are abusers, but that person loves me so much that it's okay when they are not nice to me. You know, if you're making excuses for someone, even if it's only to yourself, which was my my case, I was constantly making excuses to myself.
00:53:01
Speaker
you really need to evaluate why. Why are you doing that? Because you know that something's not right. The gaslighting, you know, I remember having conversations where I'd say, you've never said that to me. And he would insist, I absolutely said that to you. You're losing it. You're crazy. And you start to believe it when you've heard it.
00:53:26
Speaker
And I think the way I settled for things, you know, that I was okay with not getting married and oh, you're going to go stay with your ex and your daughter for a week. Okay. You know, it's it's all about your daughter. Well.
00:53:43
Speaker
probably not you know now I know but I just I think I wanted to have a positive situation so bad that I just allowed so many things to happen to me that weren't weren't right they weren't comfortable fighting you know it's okay to have arguments but you should never be in a situation where you think I don't like you. you know like Maybe I don't like what you did, or but you know you really have to evaluate the level of disagreement that's happening and and how that is handled, how our disagreements dealt with or handled. Do you feel like you're not enough because your partner should always make you feel like you're
00:54:30
Speaker
more than enough. You are the best thing ever. And I know I was constantly feeling like I just need to do this and he he'll like me a little more or I just need to say these things and then he'll like me a little more. And even if he acted like he did, it was short lived. He never actually changed the way he felt about me. He just would be a little nicer for a little bit and then it all flipped back.
00:54:59
Speaker
So you know i think I think it's really important that people understand not just what to watch for, not just you know these are the things that you should have a heads up. But what does a healthy relationship look like? where What should you expect from a relationship? So I i try to share all pieces, all that full circle. So we can look at the good and the bad.
00:55:25
Speaker
but like Once you recognize that things aren't great, that's that's wonderful. But then how do you get to the next step? Because you want to be happy. You want to find that. Yeah. Well, my last question is, I'm just curious if you have any advice that you'd want to share or anything you'd want to say to the folks listening, any biggest things you've learned or or anything like that as we wrap up.
00:55:53
Speaker
Sure. Take care of yourself, especially as moms, as women. We're so used to taking care of everyone else. And you have to take care of yourself. And don't forget about
00:56:09
Speaker
your needs and your desires and make sure that those are being met, don't be afraid to speak up. If you see a friend who is in a situation that doesn't seem healthy, my friends were all surprised. They're like, oh, we, you know,
00:56:28
Speaker
we thought it was great because I hid so much of it. But then when they looked back, they were able to you know peel back the layers of the onion a little bit. And they were like, oh, yeah, I did see that. And so not that you have to dissect your friends' relationships, but just be aware of some of these behaviors. And if you see repetition, if you see a pattern, and don't be afraid to say something.
00:56:55
Speaker
I know that a lot of times it's going to be met with resistance and denial. But once a person knows that they have an ally and a support, it makes it a little bit easier. And just to know that there's someone, I went with a friend to get a restraining order against her husband. and And that wasn't an easy thing for her to do. But she knew that I was a safe person to help her do that. And that was such an honor to me.
00:57:23
Speaker
to be able to go with her and and be part of that. So I think, yeah, my advice is just just be aware. Don't be afraid to say anything and take care of yourself. Yeah. Well, thank you so
Resources for Help
00:57:36
Speaker
much. And you mentioned resources. I'd love to link some resources in the show notes for anyone who might need them. What are some of your favorites?
00:57:45
Speaker
OneLove.org is a great one, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline ah is another. They have a website. They have a 1-800 number, but they also have a website where you can chat with someone, and they have a lot of resources available. And then I always like to share local resources. So every community now has domestic violence resources. Here in Eugene, it's called the Hope and Safety Alliance.
00:58:14
Speaker
but it's easy to find with a quick Google search. But nationally, I really like One Love and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Wonderful. And you are doing speaking about your story, right? Can you tell us where to find you or connect with you for that?
00:58:31
Speaker
Yeah, I work with um an agency called For College, For Life. um And so I'm on their website, forcollegeforlife.com. Go to the website there and search for me and find out information about booking. um And I'm open to coming to speak to an audience or developing workshops to work with a smaller group. It's really important to me to share the message. Yeah, yeah.
00:59:00
Speaker
Absolutely. Well, I love that you're taking such a terrible experience and turning it into something positive for the world that is very catlin of you. Thank you. I really appreciate that. And, ah you know, I honestly, I wouldn't know any other way. You know, I don't know what else I would do so.
00:59:19
Speaker
Yeah, well, thank you so much, Katlyn, for sharing your story. It means so open and honest with us. And I just, like you said, the goal is just if you could we can help one person, if someone is listening to this who recognizes themselves in your story and it compels them to take action or make a change or have a conversation or look for resources, then that is my hope and I know yours too.
00:59:46
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. And feel free to reach out to me and I would be happy to be a sounding board for anyone. But thank you, Lee. And I really appreciate this opportunity. Yeah. And I appreciate you. Thank you, Katlyn. And thank you so much, everyone, for tuning in today. And we hope you all have a wonderful week.
01:00:11
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in to the Executive Coach for Moms podcast. Please like, subscribe, or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care.