Transcript
Speaker: Hello and welcome to Clarendon, The Ireland Chronicles.
Speaker: Kalerinden is an actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast in which we will actually play Dungeons & Dragons as a podcast. My name is David Case LeClaire and I will be the narrator and game master for these sessions.
Speaker: Kalerinden is a world of magic and adventure. A world of hidden holds, crumbling castles, and forgotten forts. It is a world perpetually beset by the forces of chaos.
Speaker: But every time the darkness returns, epic heroes rise to save the realm. But our story is not about the epic heroes, at least not directly. Our story is about three novice adventurers that have recently agreed to carry the epic heroes' baggage.
Speaker: And joining me as the hardy hirelings, we have Beth Gleason as... Lilia Thomas. And the music of my people is a lot of fiddle and stomping and clapping.
Speaker: Oh, sounds awesome. I'd love to hear it. Way fun. And Dave Sturgis as... I am playing Fredegar, the emotionally available Furbulg dad, and i don't think Fred was ever really exposed to Furbulg music. I assume that there is such a thing, so he's probably more into the very folksy kind of call and response songs that the farm folks sing to each other across the fields as they're harvesting.
Speaker: Very Seven Samurai. And Drew Gleason as... Darwinous Gorf Nozzlesnot. Goblin music is best. Lots of slapping, hitting rock, ah yelling, very happy.
Speaker: All right. Well, hopefully in this episode, we'll find out... Better than Furbog Filking. We'll find out whose music is actually best.
Speaker: In our last episode, the hardy hirelings were tasked with finding a lost caravan. After interrogating the patrons of unusual roadside tavern, the Leaky Bung, they discovered a hidden encampment to the north of the road, just east of the Fort of Farn.
Speaker: After scouting the camp with a skunk named Frog, they met up with Meg from the Adventurer's Guild, who told them that the heroes had traced the despicable Carnivacius Despicchio to the very same camp.
Speaker: As you head back towards the main road, Meg pulls you off into the woods a little bit to the side near the main road, and you see Talonvor, Topaz, Sharnanan, Fu, and Rufelm are all there, seeming to have a little woodland meeting. Oh my goodness.
Speaker: Talonvor looks up as you arrive. Ah! Did you find the caravan? Yes. We didn't find the caravan, but we found a very large structure that could be the caravan, that could have the caravan. Right.
Speaker: Big fort full of men and goblins. It looks like they've drawn a little map of the compound in the dirt there. It's like, yeah, all right. So that must be that to to the northwest, the old storehouse.
Speaker: Snot is going to do a little mental figuring as to whether northwest is the right direction and whether this map they've drawn looks like what he was just looking at. It does. It looks pretty clear.
Speaker: There's one thing that you didn't notice or the skunk wasn't able to see, which is that they've drawn um like little round shapes to the northeast of the entire compound. Was that the direction the smoke was coming from? Yes.
Speaker: Oh. Wow. You have skunk too? I'm not sure what that means. Look, here's the thing. Meg overheard them saying that there are more people coming tonight.
Speaker: think they mean four more. We believe they've been setting this up as sort of a forward encampment so that four more can possibly attack Mud Puddle. Oh. I think we're going to have to move now.
Speaker: Yes, everyone in Mud Puddle going to have to move.
Speaker: All right, here's what I think we should do. Meg, you and Rufelm go around to the north and distract the goblins and their little encampment. Just get their attention draw them away.
Speaker: Topaz and I and, uh, sorry, Sharnanon, don't have to come with us. We will go right into the center and draw as many of them to us as we can. Lily, I need you and your team to get to the storehouse.
Speaker: Don't engage anyone. Make see if the caravan's in there. Get it out. And here's the thing. They've probably got supplies in there. And we need to take that out. We can't have the four more using this as a base.
Speaker: Topaz goes over to Fred. She's like, all right, so what we got here is a little bit of old dwarven explosives. And she hands you a kind of metal container. It looks like a jar.
Speaker: All right, so what you do with this? You take this, Fred, and you turn it Wittershins twice. Then you turn it anti-Wittershins once. Then you turn it Wittershins again just for good measure, right? And then you chuck the thing, and you get, oh, baby, 70 feet away from it.
Speaker: and it's going to go, right? So you get the caravan out, and if there guards, get them out. Then you just blow the whole barn. How long do we have between the but last Wittershins and the boom?
Speaker: Okay. Oh, you know, it's hard to say with these things. You just gotta kinda get a feel for it. You'll know if you're wrong. hey I see. That's brilliant.
Speaker: If you want a little extra time, here's a tip, throw it further. Got it. So, do we want to get the supplies out or just explode everything? You want to get the caravan out, because Talonvor's got these ah jackets all up his craw.
Speaker: Then blow up the place. Got it. And if we do come up to any bandits, should we engage? Just do what you need to do. Disable them if you can.
Speaker: i don't think you want to stop to fight them. The main thing we're trying to do here is to take out their supplies and to get the caravan back. And that's your task. that's your main task. Whatever you need to do to accomplish that. When we see the barn go up, that's our signal. We'll start pulling back. So I don't think we can take the whole camp, but we can distract them long enough to get what we need. Okay. Okay.
Speaker: Wait, we get the caravan while you're making bandits angry? Making the bandits angry at us, pulling them away from you into the center of the camp.
Speaker: But you can give us a little, give us us a little bit of time to make a bit of a splash and then you can get in there. ah I leave it to ah Lily, I think, to make the decision about once the right time. Oh, good.
Speaker: All right. It's not going to miss time. we ready? Sharnanan has stepped themselves a little bit away and are looking into the woods and scratching their head. Eh? Lily, I do not want to do this.
Speaker: Why not? They need me to be someone do not want to be. I guess I have to do it. Eh?
Speaker: Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to for the good of everyone else. Hmm. Okay. Okay. Just be careful there. Make sure that Snort does not get confused or lost or tripped.
Speaker: You be careful too. If you see me in there, well. Sharnanan reaches over to their name tag, taps it. You see it blow briefly. The ink shifts, swirls, and forms into new word.
Speaker: Now it says Anan, he, him. And you notice that Sharnanan seems to be a little taller. Their ears are a little pointier. Their features are a little more angular. They stand up a little straighter and they look at you.
Speaker: Stay out of my way. Yeah, good luck. Talonvor's like, Anon, get over here. Let's go. Snot is checking with Talonvor. He's like tapping on the part of the map where the guard tower is.
Speaker: Yeah. Two guards. The gate looks pretty heavy. Maybe we need Fu. Maybe Fu and Fred can get the gate open. Do you want to do something about the guards? Is he asking Snot? Yeah. Snot can thrive.
Speaker: Excellent. We're counting on you. All right, everyone. Look, critical element of the plan is Snot taking out those guards. If Snot fails, we're just blown. Totally blown. Snot is going to be stepping backwards into the woods a little bit.
Speaker: But when he gets a little bit out of view, he is going to swiftly but not noisily make his way back to where he was observing from before. okay So Snott's moving back up the trail to get in position.
Speaker: Yes. All right. Topaz is going over and slapping Fred on, I guess, Thigh. She can probably reach a little higher, but um there's been some discussions with HR, so she's little careful.
Speaker: She's all right, Fred. Just start remember what I said about the Wittershins, the anti-Wittershins, and the lot, and the run-in. Does this deadly explosive device have a carrying strap or anything? you got a little questions.
Speaker: Sorry, that I'm... No, it does not. It's not that big, though. It's about, you can easily hold it in one hand. i think Fred wants to see if he can maybe very reluctantly take some food out of his backpack and put the bomb in there.
Speaker: Yeah, you can do that. Okay. So good Snot isn't here to see you taking food. I assume just leaving it. Yeah. Swift Duff is investigating the food.
Speaker: Yeah, what is going to happen to Swift Whiff during all this? Well, that's up to you. Do you want to bring Swift Whiff with you into the compound, tie her up outside, leave her right here in the woods? I think Fred's kind of inclined to not bring her in if he'd be running around, running away from explosions and stuff.
Speaker: Yeah. I agree with that. Not a good situation for a Batonka Donkey. So you want to you want to leave Swift Whiff here? you want tie her up? Yeah, let's maybe tie her lead to a tree or something.
Speaker: As long as she's in range of that food that you dumped on the ground, she's totally happy. There you go. Fu is flexing his shoulders. He's like snapping his fingers. He's like, all right, Fred, I guess we're going to have to get door open. Once Snot takes out the guards.
Speaker: That's not taking out the guards. It sounds like something we can do. Right. Meg and Ruffelma have already slipped into the the woods and disappeared.
Speaker: Talonvor is like, looking at Lily, he's like, all right, Lily, you can do this. You're ready. But seriously, are you ready? I'm fine. Let's go. that's the spirit. Let's get up back on the road.
Speaker: Oh, my ex is thirsting for blood. Does that sound bad? It's, um, insinuating. All right, well, nobody's ever accused me of being insinuating.
Speaker: mean, Topaz's thirsts are kind of exotic, as we've seen. Okay, so do you guys head up the trail as well? Yep. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: All right. I guess not stealthing again? Yes. Can roll for that again? there How close are you trying to get? Well, that's the thing. I have to get within 60 feet. Okay, so ah you'll need to make a stealth check to get and within 60 feet okay without not alerting the guards.
Speaker: But it won't be that difficult because they don't seem like they're paying a lot of attention. All right, well, I rolled the same 13 before. That's going to be sufficient. You take your time and very careful, like you step on a twig at one point and just kind of wait, frozen for a moment before resuming.
Speaker: And then as you get within, you know, about 60 feet, you hear the sound of clattering, which you instantly recognize as knuckle bones from the tower. Oh. So they're not paying attention. Oh, from the tower. Oh, okay.
Speaker: Then you hear somebody yell, knuckle bones.
Speaker: You do hear sounds from within fort, clattering, hammering, people yelling, gruff voices, that kind of thing. Snot is going to... he has a pouch and then his usual sack and he is going to rummage in the pouch and take out some very fine sand that he's collected in the swamp and dried out and rubbing it between his fingertips he is going to speak some goblin words and cast sleep on the top of the tower.
Speaker: Okay, so what is the difficulty? Difficulty is 14. Wisdom DC 14.
Speaker: Okay. As the spell components flutter on the breeze away from you, you feel whiff of swamp magic. You smell it really more than feel it.
Speaker: And carried by the breeze up to the tower. you hear somebody yelling, and the two figures both slump over.
Speaker: Snot is going to concentrate and hope that he can cause the guards to stay asleep longer. Okay. As you're doing this, Talonvor and the others pull up behind you.
Speaker: Guard's sleeping. Talonvor turns to Fu and Freddy's like, all right, get the door open. Quick, quick, go, go.
Speaker: All right, you're the man. Talonvor puts his hand on Snot's shoulder. Nice job.
Speaker: So they sleep for like two hours or something.
Speaker: Something. ah Snot is just concentrating intently on the the top of the tower. All right. I guess Fred and Fu will get at that door. Okay. It's kind of a gate that drops like down, but you think you can lift it up.
Speaker: You grab it, but it looks quite heavy. Fu is clearly relishing this. He's like... Punching Fred in the shoulder a little bit. Yeah. All right. Let's go get those quads in.
Speaker: So Fred is going to rise up and assume his more muscular, less dad bodish form for this. Yeah. And yeah, let's lift some gates and or bend some bars, as they used to say. All right. So make a strength athletics check.
Speaker: And Fu's going to do it, too. Nice. Great. Hmm.
Speaker: So it's a 12. That stinks. Yeah, Fu got a 13, which is not great either. So the two of you just go slide it in there, grab the base of the gate, and start lifting, and it doesn't move.
Speaker: There's like a cracking noise, but it just seems to be coming from Fu's back. It's not. The guards are going to make another save. Okay.
Speaker: You don't hear them raising an alarm or anything. Right. So it seems like they're down. Yeah. Talonvor has brought everybody up and he's waiting for Fu and Freddy's like, do you guys need a minute or something?
Speaker: No. Sorry, Fred. That was on me. Let's ah let's try this again. Yeah. Alright, so make another check. Yeah, Fred is going to redouble his efforts, take a deep breath.
Speaker: And... Okay, 15. 15. all right He's really straining. Some iridescent leaves are growing out of his hair all of a sudden in a way that doesn't typically happen. And he gains three temporary hit points for reasons that are unclear.
Speaker: Fu is really pushing on this one, and you just see his back flexing, and you feel the gate pushing up. and You realize that Fu's kind of doing a little more than and you were on this, but you get the gate up, just lifts it, and Fu's like, yeah!
Speaker: Pushes it up. Gate flips open. Feel the burn. I don't know how gates work. Yeah, and the gate is now open, and Fu's like, all right. He holds out his, like, fist for, like, the fist bump.
Speaker: Nice fist bump. Yeah. He like suplexes it, I guess. The gates are complicated. He just suplexes the gate. Wait, now it's closed again. Dang it. Nice.
Speaker: All right. So Fu's going to run around and join Meg and Rufelm. Talonvor, Topaz, and Sharnanan are rushing in to the fort.
Speaker: Topaz gives Lillia just a whack on the arm and she goes past. She's like, all right, it's go time. Talonvor and Topaz Chardon rush in the gate. You hear cries rising up inside, yells, hear steel, and then there's just blinding flash of light.
Speaker: There's a pause and then just a boom, like a shockwave goes out. The whole wall shakes. You see flames rising up from somewhere inside, and you feel hot wind bursting out and the sound of fire inside.
Speaker: Boy, we better get in there. I guess we go now. What?
Speaker: Do we go around to the warehouse or we don't want to go straight in, do we? The warehouse is around on the northwest side. From the map and from um Frog's exploration, you know that the warehouse itself, the entrance is on the inside of the fort, so but it's a ways back from the rest of the camp.
Speaker: So you could go inside and follow around the western edge. ah fort or you could go on the outside and try to find another way in to the storehouse. I suggest we go inside around to the west?
Speaker: Along the west wall, yeah. West wall, yeah. guys Sneak and try to be fast and not get burned. Okay. going to have everybody make stealth checks, but you're not trying to hide. You're just trying to not be noticed.
Speaker: Great. Okay.
Speaker: I rolled a seven. I rolled a one. oh never mind. Okay, so you guys go in there. I also rolled a seven. but Lily's just making all kinds of Gundam noises and shanking around. This not her forte.
Speaker: None of you are the slightest bit stealthy. You immediately trip on the entranceway. Your chainmail is clinking. You go in and Fred and Snot are going in there.
Speaker: You see like a guard's head peeking out from the watchtower looking down at you. And you recognize it. It is, well, Snot probably doesn't remember his name, but it is Phineas. It's like, uh, oh, hey.
Speaker: ah Hey, Snot. What are you doing here? This is Phineas the guard? Yeah, he's in the guard tower above you. I guess that makes sense. You used remember him from Mudbottle, one of the guys used to play knuckle bones with. The compound, as you go inside, is on fire on the inside, not the walls.
Speaker: You see people rushing towards the middle building to the north of the clearing. It seems to be the one that's on fire. There's also fire on the buildings to the east. But the guard is just like, huh, not doing anything about it. Just checking out you guys.
Speaker: All right. Like, so ah I wasn't expecting to see you here. This is ah ah awkward. Thinking quickly, Snot says, Snot here to put out fire. ah You stay.
Speaker: Why did Snot make a deception check? Yeah. This is going to go well. 11. Yeah, he's like, oh, no, it's not. I don't think that you should be putting out the fire. No, I see you guys should probably get out of here. It's looking pretty bad. I don't know what's going on, but I mean, I was pretty alert.
Speaker: um Me and me and Finn were pretty alert. So. Oh, okay. It's not it's not leaving. Oh, exit this way. All right. He's gonna start moving along the the wall further.
Speaker: Be careful.
Speaker: So you guys are moving along the western edge, and I think you've pretty much abandoned the stealthy approach at this point. Yeah. This part of the compound doesn't have too much here. It looks like there's some buildings are in the process of being built, but it's not particularly finished.
Speaker: As you move along, it's pretty empty. There's a lot of activity. You hear the clashing of weapons, more yelling. ah There's another explosion from somewhere inside towards the center. You see more smoke rising from the north end of the compound.
Speaker: just kind of slide past it all, keeping to the west edge of the compound. And ahead of you, you see the large stone building of the barn rising up.
Speaker: It's flickering with from the light of the fires that are in the rest of the compound, although it's not on fire. There are two large wooden doors in the front of the barn as you're approaching it.
Speaker: Let's go through the doors. Okay. It looks like the doors are actually locked. There's like a chain. Think on the inside, you hear it rattling.
Speaker: There's like a keyhole. Big, heavy wooden doors. Is Fred still maintaining rage? How long can he do that? Yes, he is. That's a good question. The rage can last up to 10 minutes.
Speaker: Okay. So at this point, for yes to refresh it it's only been about two minutes. and I guess you can just use your bonus actions as you're going to just ah stay tough. Can we get this door open somehow?
Speaker: It's not his idea. As Lily is asking that, Fred is like running towards the door table first. Did Snot want to do anything before Fred gets there with table? I mean, Snott probably can't get there ahead of table, so I think he will let Fred have at least one go at it and then Snott has an idea if that doesn't work.
Speaker: Okay. Fred, what do you want to do? Fred is just gonna take a running swing at the door with the table. Okay, so make an attack roll. All right.
Speaker: That is a natural 20. Wow. Roll damage and double the die. So that's a two and an eight and plus six.
Speaker: Go table go. so So 16 total. You crit this door. Table does its dastardly work. You just get in there, swing the the thing, and they smash open.
Speaker: They're kindling, flying inwards. door is like blown off of their hinges by table's fell blow. As we all know, tables and doors are ancient enemies.
Speaker: It's ironic. they're They're born of the same mother, but they serve very different purposes. And, you several episodes we might have met that mother.
Speaker: and The barn inside is about 60 feet long, 50 feet wide. ah Shafts of light stretch down from the incomplete roof. Barrels and boxes of all kinds are stacked up inside. There's an upper level around the edges, piled high with large sacks of something.
Speaker: And in the center of the barn is a small wagon with a number of crates on top of it. On the side of the wagon, in faded paint, are the words, Dayland Outfitters.
Speaker: There's nobody obvious in here. and There are no and captured guards or anything being held here. Does it look like Brad can pull the carriage? I mean, Fred's pretty tough, and he just owned a door.
Speaker: So I wouldn't put it past him. Totally owned a door. I mean, it's heavy. Like, it's supposed to be a horse that pulls this, but this is a guy who pulls a plow. Not only does he pull a plow, but he did specific training pull a plow with a lot of people riding on top of it.
Speaker: It didn't go super well, but he learned from it.
Speaker: So I guess if Fred can pull the wagon at least partially out and then use his explosive. So Fred, are you going to go grab the wagon?
Speaker: It seems like step one is get the wagon out of here for sure. Okay. So Fred is going to go and sort of lift the wagon up, get the the wagon harness on his shoulders. Snot and Lily, what are you guys doing as Fred is prepping to do this?
Speaker: I'll push the wagon. Okay. I'm not unstrong. Yeah. Snot want to push the wagon or or it's not going to ride on the wagon? Yeah, that would be it.
Speaker: Snot is going to run around behind the wagon with Lily, but rather than pushing, he is going to produce something else from his his pouch and rub it between his palms and then fling his hands forward towards Lily and a little dust goes and lands on her and he is casting enlarge.
Speaker: Okay, so whoa ah you cast Enlarge on Lily. So she goes from medium to large.
Speaker: And you would have advantage on strength checks, strength saving throws, and weapons are larger and will do more damage. This is concentration for a minute. But yeah, you're just like huge. Now you're like seriously yoked.
Speaker: You are also rising up. it's And it's perhaps a bit of a surprise. Whoa!
Speaker: Snot is going to hop up on the rear part of the wagon and Lily goes, now push, push. Lily, beg.
Speaker: All right. So Fred and Lily, you can each make strength checks with advantage. Athletics, if you have it. All right.
Speaker: Oh, my gosh. That's a natural 20 again. 15. Okay. So Lily, you sort of dig your boots in, start pushing. Fred grabs the thing and just goes, and you kind of slip and fall. how you yeah As the but cart lurches forward with Fred just easily pushing it forward, you kind of slip and fall a little bit to your knees before getting back up and running up behind it and joining in the push.
Speaker: Pulling and pushing on the cart or riding it as may be, and you're easily moving it outside of the barn. You go through the ruined, ah shattered remnants of the door and go outside.
Speaker: This session is very rough on doors. Okay, I mean, yeah, I guess I hadn't considered the powerful door lobby when i when we... I mean, you know, content warning, door abuse.
Speaker: Dave, for what it's worth, just legally speaking, doors are not a protected class. Okay. Okay. And this is where your failed stealth check really comes to play.
Speaker: Oh, good. Fizzwhiz is zipping around. He's like, guy I saw you idiots. What are you fools doing? You losers. Oh, can I please fucking kill him?
Speaker: He's like, you shouldn't be here. This is like super bad. Fizzwhiz, we saving, we saving muffins. Come help. There are no muffins in there. I checked. I'm not an idiot.
Speaker: Snot, not is just staring daggers at Fizzwhiz. Can I cast Hunter's Mark on him? Yeah.
Speaker: So what does it look like when you mark him with the sign of Hallya? Oh, it's more dark magic. She is so pissed at this stupid Fizzwhiz guy. She just reaches out with both of her hands and dark smoke comes out of her hands and then just shoots right towards his head and makes it purple.
Speaker: Okay. Wow. What did it do? I feel weird. Yeah, he's got the Hunter's Mark upon him. Wow. And then he's going to take one d six force damage whenever I can land an attack roll.
Speaker: Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you look super fat right now. Oh, go to hell, Fizzwhiz.
Speaker: So I can only keep Lillia this size for a minute, so I don't know if we're going to make it out the gate or what. It's only been about, let's say, one round at this point.
Speaker: Okay. And you have cleared the barn doors and are out there with Fizzwhiz flitting around with his, like, purple face now and glow of Halea following me around. He's trying to look at his face, like, look at his own face. He's like, yeah, something's wrong.
Speaker: So can we just keep moving? And how long will it take us to get oh Well, if you want to go through the center area, it'd be the easiest way to bring the cart.
Speaker: Bring it the way you came in, where the construction area it will be a little rougher and probably take longer. Going through the center, of course, is dangerous because it is on fire, and there are lots of people fighting, running around, yelling, that kind of thing.
Speaker: Is there any way, Fred, that I can kind of keep the cart moving, and you can go back and do your explosive... Oh, right. but Fred turns around to see extra large buff Lily, blushes a little bit, and says, oh, I, um, yes, yes, I, I, I'll, um, right.
Speaker: Okay, so are you going to keep the cart moving towards the center of the camp, or are you going to try and direct it towards the western wall, which might be a little rougher, but will be safer?
Speaker: Um, I'd like to do it not through the people, but... Seems wise. All right. Fred is going to disengage himself from the but sure the bridle, of the harness, whatever the the horse, uh, horse coupler.
Speaker: Um, yeah, horse coupler is the correct term You got it. Yeah. The oxen parapet.
Speaker: That's a, that's a different thing. Um, Roper is going to retrieve the ominous metal jar from his backpack. I think he'll go like just inside of the doorway.
Speaker: He will turn the top part of it Wittershins twice. He will turn it anti-Wittershins once. He will start to throw it and kind of furrow his brow and turn it Wittershins one more time, and then throw it as hard as he can further into the storehouse.
Speaker: Okay. Make a strength check. With advantage. That's a five, so good, yay advantage. That is a 10 plus six is 16. Yeah.
Speaker: So you hurl the metal canister back into the barn. You hear Fizzwhiz flitting around. He starts to zip away. He's like, I'm going to tell about the about this. You will so the day you crossed. Oh, hold on.
Speaker: As he's saying that, the vial of iron lands with a heavy clank inside the barn, and for a frozen moment, there is nothing. Then a thunderous roar erupts, flames burst out of the barn, bits of wood, metal, and stone go flying past Fred and the rest of you.
Speaker: And there is a purple halo of dust exploding out from the remains of the barn. It hits you like a shockwave. There's no impact, but as the aura blows over you, first Fred, then Snot and Lily, you feel the world twist in an unexpected way. You're still in the camp, but the colors of everything around you come garishly vibrant.
Speaker: The flames in barn and the rest of the camp turn a raging and a violet and blue. Buildings have a greenish hue to them. The sky shines with an umber radiance.
Speaker: Everywhere, ah the outlines of objects seem to tremble and shake around you. but You also see a bee cow trundling by, munching on the orange grass.
Speaker: Oh, dear. So we're in between veryy and... Yes, exactly. Exactly what it feels like. Would it be okay to eat the honey in this circumstance?
Speaker: But Lily is still pushing on that cart, I think, or? Yes, I'm still pushing on the cart to get it the hell out the door. Yeah, so you're pushing it down that along the western wall.
Speaker: You meet some resistance, but you push it over some logs. The cart's like, oh, nice one, Lily. Yeah.
Speaker: she Stott's in the back of the cart just staring up at this giant lily that's pushing and he's just like wow yeah her like outline is like twisting sinuously a little bit as if looking at her through a funhouse mirror Fred are you rejoining them Yep, Fred is going to run back as fast as he can to join Large Lily and help push the wagon. Okay.
Speaker: The sounds of battle are echoing around the clearing, but it's warped as if by the very air, as if you're listening underwater. Then you see three figures ahead of you along the western wall moving towards you.
Speaker: In the center, carnivorous despicchio. oh It's flanked by two brutish hobgoblins wearing fancy parkas. So is there a Mr. Thomas or a... Oh, oh dear.
Speaker: Their forms shift strangely as they step towards you through the fey aura. Carnivacius draws a rapier that glints as it twists. He grins cruelly as his face distorts.
Speaker: Take one alive as a hostage. And they prepare to attack.
Speaker: All right And we weren't recording when we went to roll initiative. So everybody pretend to roll your dice. What if I get a good roll? you're not going to get better than a 20.
Speaker: I know. I actually got a natural one. so You can't prove that. I got a natural 20. Can i have that? No. All right. Well, now that we've rolled initiative,
Speaker: So it's going to be, Snod is going to be first with 23, then Fred with 21, then Lily will be going later on with a 12. So set the scene. You're in a burning fort.
Speaker: Many buildings are on fire. a yeah You're in an area that's a little bit open. There's some construction going on. Fred is in the parapet of a wagon that he's been pulling and Lily is enlarged behind it, pushing it.
Speaker: The enlarge is still going, Fred is still raging, and Snot is sitting on top of the wagon. The wagon itself is about five feet, so we'd say there's about five feet distance between Fred and then Snot and Lily.
Speaker: Not a big wagon. What is the parapet of a wagon? it's weird it's just Fred is in the demigloss of the wagon. He is in the turret.
Speaker: the The steering wheel pit. Looking out the murder hole, I imagine. He's going to be looking out the murder hole. here a second here
Speaker: Carnivarius and the two hobgoblins flanking him are about 20 feet ahead of you directly in the direction you're going. There are no other people near you. How close to each other are they? Are they all in like a group?
Speaker: I'll say they're each five feet from Carnivarius. So he is in the center and they're each five feet to the side. It is Snot's turn. What would you like to do? Since he's kind of got this on deck, he is going to pull that sand out again and attempt to put Carnivarius and his goons to sleep.
Speaker: Is it goons? Goons.
Speaker: We don't know that these guys are gooners necessarily. I always prefer the personal touch you only get with hired goons. And what is the DC? It is 14.
Speaker: Wisdom. Okay. You can't trust those freelance goons. Carnivarius is not asleep. He would not be asleep. The hobgoblin on the left of him who's carrying a greatsword.
Speaker: Yeah, he slumps to the ground asleep. The other hobgoblin is okay. So there's one hobgoblin with a shield and mace. Then on the east side, car of out there's a hobgoblin with greatsword who is slumped to the ground prone and incapacitated.
Speaker: Rats. You got one of them. Is there anywhere I can plausibly hide here? You could get out of sight behind the wagon. Okay. It would know where you are, but you would be invisible to them because they wouldn't be able to see you. Okay. Can I use my free action to scoop up some pebbles from the ground?
Speaker: Yes. And then bonus action to enchant them as magic stone. Yes, but you're going to have to slide. You're sitting on top of the wagon, so you would have to use your movement to slide off of the wagon.
Speaker: Yes. Yeah. Is that all my movement or can I no duck through Lily's legs and run in the opposite direction, like back where we came, but away from... Yeah, sliding down is not that difficult. Maybe use 10 feet of your movement to do that.
Speaker: Free action, to grab some stones, then running between Lily's gigantic thighs, no problem. Okay, rocks, rocks, rocks. Because she's enlarged, just not for any other reason.
Speaker: um Yeah, it slips off the back of the wagon onto the ground. grabs a handful of stones and then darts back the way we came between Lily's gigantic feet.
Speaker: And he's mumbling in his goblin talk to enchant the stones. And that is all that I can do this turn, and it's a lot. And magic stone, concentration, not concentration?
Speaker: Not concentration, it lasts one minute. Great. So, the stones, keep in mind you're in some sort of a in-between fey aura realm. Stones are like, as you start whispering to them, they start whispering back to you. Oh, dear.
Speaker: In the language of stones, which suddenly you understand. Oh, no, no. You guys will be fine. You'll be fine. They're telling you about your day and about their kids and all that. I thought... And they're so excited to be chatting with someone.
Speaker: Okay, Snot's going to help you make new friends. Okay. All right. So, Snot, you've moved 20 feet... further to the north away from the fight.
Speaker: So you're 40 feet away from Carnivacius and his goblins. Goons. Okay. Turn over. Now, hold on.
Speaker: You cast Sleep. I did. Which is Concentration. So Enlarge will drop. Oh, that's a fair point. Well, I guess that's that's what it is.
Speaker: Probably wasn't going to last too much longer anyway. Yeah, your minute was running out. Okay. All right, so as you've cast to sleep and you slide down, you start to run between Lily's legs as she's like starting to shrink. Oh,
Speaker: Oh, I didn't think this! Oh, Lord. Let's say you slide. like Not so gigantic thighs. That's right. Her dainty and proportional... The thunderous explosion of the warehouse is muffled by the thunderous slapping.
Speaker: no ah You dock and slide be between the lily legs and run 20 feet to the north chatting with your new buddies. Yes. Love these guys.
Speaker: Okay, Fred, it is now your turn. All right. one of the hobgoblins has collapsed to the ground sleeping. Oh, good for him. Since Fred's turn is starting...
Speaker: and Lily is within 10 feet of him, then 5 feet even, Fred smiles back and says, no, ah hold that thought while we fight these fellas. And as he is saying that, Lily, you gain 5 temporary hit points.
Speaker: Woohoo! There are a bunch of shiny, iridescent, feywild-colored leaves and flowers blossoming in Fred's beard that aren't usually there. And there are some some leaves blowing around you. It's not clear if they're fey leaves or just, you know, related to everything else that's going on or what have you.
Speaker: But Fred is going to uncouple himself, consciously uncouple himself from the wagon as an action or a move or ah move action. Okay. Fred wants to get unhooked from the wagon and get the table out and maybe get a little bit of space away from the wagon so he can swing the table around. He's not going to go charging in by himself. Okay.
Speaker: Got to get me some table swinging space. All right. So you're you're ready. You're prepped. You're out of the the wagon constraints and you've got your table out, limbering it.
Speaker: snapping your neck, and you've got leaves in your beard. Yes. and I don't know how my rage is doing, but it's been 10 minutes. It's not been 10 minutes.
Speaker: You've got plenty of time. It's just a question of making sure you extend it. Yeah. Okay. Did you have a ah bonus action available to do that? I do, because giving Lily temporary hit points is not an action. Right.
Speaker: Excellent. If you don't like that, get in the comments on 5.5, I guess. Okay. Okay. okay All right. So the hobgoblin who is still standing to the left Carnivarius, he starts chanting in a strange tongue, raises his mace in the air, and a whirl of strange wraithy creatures come swirling around him in a spirit guardian type of pattern.
Speaker: I don't like this. They look like they would attack anything that came close to him. and he starts running towards Fred. As you get in range, the spirit guardians swirling around you make a wisdom saving throw.
Speaker: Go Fred! DC 13.
Speaker: Wisdom is not one of Fred's better saves, and he rolled 4.
Speaker: The strange wraith-like creatures that are swirling around him, claws rake at you for 12 necrotic damage. Are you resistant to necrotic damage? I am not.
Speaker: Okay, so you take 12 damage from these beasts slashing at you with their wraith-like claws.
Speaker: And he's now within five feet of you. You weren't holding your action, were you? Well, I wasn't sure if I had an action to hold, given that I was both unhooking myself from the carriage, the wagon parapet, and getting my table out.
Speaker: He kind of wanted to stand his ground there, so if he if he had an action to hold, I would have held it held it for attack. I would say, yeah why not? You had an action to hold. Go for it. All right.
Speaker: Those wraith-like things really hurt. So Fred is muttering, son of a bitch, under his breath as he takes a big, big old swing with the table. And he's still standing in the foyer of the wagon. Is that right? He's a little bit forward.
Speaker: Yeah, he's astride the foe castle.
Speaker: And that is a 14 plus 6 is 20. Dirty 20. Okay. You see that he is wearing armor beneath his really nice fancy parka.
Speaker: i Bastards. But you strike him with table. Oh, well. Oh, and I'm about to drive a table straight through this parka. Well, that's that's we're going to have to deal with that later, I guess.
Speaker: So that's a 4 plus 6 is 10 points of table damage. As you've struck him quite hard, he struggles to maintain his concentration upon the spell.
Speaker: Succeed. So the wraiths temporarily flutter as you bash him, but resume swirling around. Okay, it is now Navasius Despicchio's turn.
Speaker: He also rushes forwards towards you. Says I never liked you He will stab at you with his rapier.
Speaker: That's going to hit 26.
Speaker: 11 points of piercing damage, which think would be halved to 5. That I am resistant to. And takes another stab at you. Ooh, that also hits 25.
Speaker: Ooh. Or another 11 points of piercing damage, so 5. ouch So he's just run up next to the hobgoblin.
Speaker: Rapier flicks. And you feel the pain in your or your right shoulder and your side as the rapier dips and slashes into you. Says, ah, all the lantern water in the world will not help you now.
Speaker: It is now Lily's turn. I have a question. Where is our friend Fizzwhizz? He's zipped off during the barn. Now, You have Hunter's Mark on him. Technically you can't move Hunter's Mark unless he dies, but I think we're going to say since he's far enough away from you, you could, and you're still concentrating on Hunter's Mark, you could move it to another person if you wanted to.
Speaker: That's a bonus action. That was my question. So I would like to move it to Dispeakio.
Speaker: And I will run up next to Fred.
Speaker: And I'm going to attack Despicchio because I'll probably have to do a wisdom check as well. You really can't get next to depiio next to Fred and attack Despicchio without getting in that range.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Eleven. No, that fails. So you take 11 points of necrotic damage. Okay. I will take my long sword. And swing at... Dispaccio.
Speaker: And roll the one. Now, you have had a long rest this morning. Yes! So, as a human, you have heroic inspiration to re-roll one roll today. Let's do that, 15. As
Speaker: you rush in... as you rush in The spirits claw at you and you stab with your longsword, but the blade is about to miss, but then you think, no, I had a good sleep last night.
Speaker: and i stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. You catch Despicchio with the back end of your blade as you slash through into his side roll damage. I also get 9. Okay. And... What am forgetting?
Speaker: What am I forgetting? Oh, I can sap him? You're right, I can sap him. Good call.
Speaker: All right, so you want to strike him in such a way that he will have disadvantage on his next attack. Yes. Okay.
Speaker: says, Kyrsias, I should have sent you back to Shipscat on the hands your chance. Oh, quiet, you very bad man. Quiet, we're fighting here.
Speaker: So the sleepy hobgoblin gets a second wisdom save. If he fails again, he'll be unconscious for a minute unless somebody wakes him up. That's correct. He fails.
Speaker: Very nice. He's just snoring loudly. He's like, he's like, starts through and he's like, yeah That's how hobgoblins snore. It's really annoying.
Speaker: um He should see somebody about that sleep apnea. That could be pretty damaging. That's why they have to live on that way off on their own in the swamp. Okay, now we're coming back to the beginning of the round, and before we go back to snot, I'm going to roll a 1d6. I rolled 3.
Speaker: Okay. The purple clouds of fey aura around you shimmer briefly, and suddenly all feel, all of you, and Carnivarius and the hobgoblins, feel your skin growing tough and like having bark grow around all of you. You all have a bark skin effect.
Speaker: Oh, sweet. And your minimum AC is now 17 for this round. Yikes! And as the fey aura transforms the battlefield, the adventurers will soon discover whether it is the bark of defeat or the bark de triomphe.
Speaker: Thank you for listening to Clarendon, the Ireland Chronicles, and please join us for our next exciting episode. There will be fewer puns, but just as many lies.
Speaker: Bye.
Speaker: you
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