Transcript
Speaker: Hey, Gia.
Speaker: Hey, Christine.
Speaker: I was going to say, let's talk about sex.
Speaker: Oh, let's.
Speaker: Oh, man.
Speaker: Let's talk about sex, baby.
Speaker: Let's talk about you and me.
Speaker: That's what comes to mind.
Speaker: But also what comes to mind is like, we just put so much pressure on just sex in general.
Speaker: And I feel like if I had known no one actually would give a fuck about my naked body or
Speaker: like when I was a kid, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Speaker: Cause like most, you know, a hole is a hole and, and ain't nobody, ain't nobody like making fun of my jiggly belly when, when all comes down to it.
Speaker: Uh, and I just wish someone had told me that, that someone had told me that, you know, long ago, uh, cause maybe, maybe I wouldn't be here today on two fat girls, one microphone.
Speaker: Welcome.
Speaker: I'm Gia and I'm a fat girl.
Speaker: And I'm Christine and I'm fierce.
Speaker: I'm doing all F words.
Speaker: I love Christine's new F words.
Speaker: Honestly, honestly, the new F words are it.
Speaker: I think I need these F words before I can get to our F word.
Speaker: I mean, that's how we do it.
Speaker: And that's how you fake till you make it.
Speaker: Right, Gia?
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: There we go.
Speaker: You're fierce.
Speaker: You're fabulous.
Speaker: You're ferocious.
Speaker: You're, I don't know.
Speaker: I don't want to steal all your potential efforts for the future.
Speaker: No, it's just so funny because I feel like, you know, I grew up in a very, like, small southern little town.
Speaker: And there was just, you know, I feel like there's always pressure on women to have sex.
Speaker: But, like, I feel like when you're a bigger girl, it's like you're either, like,
Speaker: Honestly, similarly to how we talked about on like the Good Fatty episode, how you're like either one or the other and there's kind of no in between.
Speaker: Like you're either a big girl who's like a hoe and like owns that she's a big girl or you are a spinster.
Speaker: And like to me, like those were the two paths growing up that I was like, all right, like I'm going to be alone forever.
Speaker: I'm never going to have sex.
Speaker: And like then I started hearing all these stories about my friends losing their virginity and all this stuff.
Speaker: And I was like, it's never going to happen for me because I'm fat.
Speaker: Like that was my –
Speaker: rationale was I will never have sex because I am fat.
Speaker: So much so.
Speaker: And I've actually.
Speaker: I think I've told told some people, but I don't know some people listening to this, this might be
Speaker: New information for you.
Speaker: I lied when I got to college.
Speaker: I lied.
Speaker: I lied and said that I had had sex.
Speaker: And I just let people believe it because I was a super confident, you know, cool girl.
Speaker: You know, oh, yeah, she owns it, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: And I just I didn't I didn't inherently lie.
Speaker: I didn't necessarily like fabricate stories.
Speaker: I simply did not tell people they were wrong.
Speaker: Even like, remember the story I told about the guy who called me hot for the first time?
Speaker: Lied to him to lied to him, too.
Speaker: Didn't end up fucking him.
Speaker: But I remember that was an active conversation.
Speaker: Like I'm like laying there topless in the throes.
Speaker: And he's like, we've done it before.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And I was like, yeah.
Speaker: So I just kept lying.
Speaker: And then like I had a, you know, my first relationship and like my senior year of college.
Speaker: And that's like I actually lost my virginity.
Speaker: But it's so funny because like I had spent so much time lying.
Speaker: Lying slash letting people believe whatever they wanted.
Speaker: The white lie, right?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Considered a white lie.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like, it's not like I made up elaborate stories.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I just simply was like, you think that you go ahead.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But it almost like when it actually happened because I had had all that buildup, I was just like, oh, OK.
Speaker: I mean, it was good.
Speaker: It was fine.
Speaker: You know.
Speaker: Well, the first time's not ever going to be good, good.
Speaker: I'd be fucking, but like, I don't know.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: It was your boyfriend at the time?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And weirdly, this college boyfriend had never like kissed a girl, had never really done anything.
Speaker: Like I had done stuff like, you know.
Speaker: Theater kids, we always do hand stuff.
Speaker: One time I did hand stuff over a 24-mile-long bridge.
Speaker: I'll tell you about that another time.
Speaker: Anywho, while driving, because I'm a talented girl.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: I'm glad you're still with us.
Speaker: You know, I have never... I had never...
Speaker: he had never done like anything at all.
Speaker: And so it was very sweet in that way.
Speaker: Like it was a very like kind of like, I didn't, it was like that romance that you didn't, that I didn't think I was like entitled to have was like, it was very slowly step by step.
Speaker: And then like, you know, we did it.
Speaker: And, you know, it was just like really, and at no point once when I was in that relationship, at no point, like, did I care?
Speaker: Did I even think about like, oh, like I have to, you know, he's not going to lay me because I'm fat.
Speaker: So, yeah, that's my I don't know.
Speaker: That's my off the cuff.
Speaker: Gia's sex thoughts.
Speaker: Well, you were in a safe space because he was your boyfriend.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I think that's very nice.
Speaker: Well, I mean, I was in some other like not so safe spaces because I do feel like when you present yourself in a very confident way, you know, especially in college, I think it's you have to be careful because, you know, I mean.
Speaker: I mean, I'll be.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'll be honest about this.
Speaker: How far are we going to go, Gia?
Speaker: No, I'll go far with this woman.
Speaker: Do what you need.
Speaker: I think it matters, actually, because I... This was before my boyfriend in college.
Speaker: So still, like, Gia had never had sex.
Speaker: And there was this guy who... He was a grad student.
Speaker: And, like, I knew... He, like, was weirdly, like, into me.
Speaker: And he was British and, like, just kind of had this, like...
Speaker: really crass humor that's not me saying all british people have crass humor but i like it's he was just very like forward and he was like a bigger guy um and like balding and i did not find this man attractive now i but g is a leo and geo likes attention and like
Speaker: So like I would talk to him and I would hang like we would all hang out in groups and stuff.
Speaker: But sometimes he would just like make weird comments to me where I'd be like, OK, huh?
Speaker: Cut to like I had a party at my house once and I like blacked out.
Speaker: And well, I didn't have a party at my house.
Speaker: A party got moved to my house.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Long story short, I blacked out, came to and this guy who knew I wasn't interested in me was like on top of me.
Speaker: Like that's when I kind of came to.
Speaker: And I immediately was like.
Speaker: no, like, like, I was like, you need to go.
Speaker: You need to go right now.
Speaker: And he was like, are you kidding me?
Speaker: Are you serious right now?
Speaker: And I was like, no, you need to go.
Speaker: You need to go right now.
Speaker: But, and so he did, he left and stuff.
Speaker: But again, it's like, I, I did feel the shame of like, oh, but what if you like,
Speaker: It was kind of the same thing as like, oh, but what was she wearing?
Speaker: But not like, oh, but GA, like you're this super confident puts it out there, girl, like blah, blah.
Speaker: I don't give a fuck now.
Speaker: Like I blocked him on everything and it's whatever.
Speaker: But I
Speaker: I kind of was like, oh, well, that's what you get.
Speaker: You like play stupid games, win stupid prizes like by not telling everyone that you're a big old big fat virgin your senior year of college.
Speaker: Or this is my junior year, whatever.
Speaker: Anyhow, just college, college in general, you know.
Speaker: But yeah, yeah, it's.
Speaker: you know, I feel like talking about this, it's like, yes, we'll talk about the body image thing, but we can't help but also talk about the woman thing because.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, hello.
Speaker: We're really, we're really walking hand in hand here.
Speaker: But like, why did it, why I'm just wondering, um, since we're talking about it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Why did it, why did you wait so long?
Speaker: To, to, to shebang?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like what was good?
Speaker: Like,
Speaker: What was the, was it because of your body image or what was?
Speaker: I do think it was actually.
Speaker: But again, my body image has a lot more to do with like my scars.
Speaker: And so that was a big thing for me.
Speaker: It was like, I did not want to take my shirt off.
Speaker: Like you could literally like, you could pull my top down and suck on my titties, but don't take my shirt off.
Speaker: And have belly and scars, you know.
Speaker: And yeah, I don't know why I did.
Speaker: That's a good question because it's funny because the guy that when I came back from guy who called me hot for the first time that summer.
Speaker: literally walked in the door, walked in the door.
Speaker: And my mother, I will never forget.
Speaker: My mother was upstairs and I just hear her yell, no, hello, no.
Speaker: Hi, honey.
Speaker: Just, did you have sex?
Speaker: And I was like, no mom.
Speaker: It's like shit, bro.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: But again, I think I had my own mom fooled.
Speaker: Like, I think my mom thought I was fucking way before.
Speaker: And I did like, I did the full Gilmore Girls with my mother.
Speaker: Because in Gilmore Girls, like Rory, like tells Lorelai, like, I just wanted you to know, like, I think it's going to happen soon.
Speaker: Like when she's dating Jess.
Speaker: And then when she dates Logan and they have sex, she's like tells her mom, like, it happened, you know?
Speaker: So I did.
Speaker: I fully like called my mom.
Speaker: I was like,
Speaker: I just wanted to let you know, like the deed is done.
Speaker: It was on Cinco de Mayo.
Speaker: Never forget Cinco de Mayo.
Speaker: Ding, ding, ding.
Speaker: But yeah, I don't know.
Speaker: Like, I know you and I have talked about this a little bit and I know like you had a ho phase, Christine, and like I envy when someone says that they've had a ho phase, I envy it because I feel like I am destined to have one.
Speaker: I feel like I'm coming into it.
Speaker: Because I think like I want one now.
Speaker: Like I think I'm at the point because I waited so long to have sex.
Speaker: I was like, okay, I had the relationship.
Speaker: I did.
Speaker: I've dated.
Speaker: Now like I kind of just want to like,
Speaker: be hot in my body and like be doing it.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Well, you're ready.
Speaker: You're like, you're mentally ready for it now.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Don't you feel like that?
Speaker: And if you're interested so much in doing it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: Because I'm very tentative about this topic because it's actually really funny.
Speaker: I was a horny teenager.
Speaker: And I think part of it was because I was being fed MTV on a 24-7 show.
Speaker: Fucking timeline.
Speaker: And then also Beverly Hills 90210, very sexual for a child to be watching.
Speaker: Just I watched a lot of stuff where I didn't want to be a kid.
Speaker: I thought I was I wanted to be an adult.
Speaker: And so I wanted to swear and I wanted to know what sex was.
Speaker: And I want to know all this stuff.
Speaker: And I wanted that I wanted to have sex.
Speaker: And it's like because I thought I was supposed to.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: I don't know any other reason besides attention in high school, basically, because if we're going to talk about awesome theater in high school, I used to flash my tits, as I've said before, for attention.
Speaker: And then I remember what- Like fully?
Speaker: I used to flash my boobs backstage because- You did not tell me the story.
Speaker: I did.
Speaker: When we talked about theater, because-
Speaker: It was such a big to do about my boobs being big that I started taking the power back by flashing people when they weren't expecting it.
Speaker: And so I would do it backstage during like runs, like during like rehearsal.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So I'd be like, Hey, that was me taking back my own power.
Speaker: Now I feel like, okay.
Speaker: So then I had a boyfriend.
Speaker: Well, I had my first boyfriend is who I lost my virginity to and it was not fun.
Speaker: And then after that, I had my other high school boyfriend and he was in theater too.
Speaker: They all, they both were.
Speaker: And that one, I remember like, I don't know.
Speaker: I was so young and stupid.
Speaker: Like I bought this shirt that said, you, me handcuffs, whipped cream, because at that time I was so sexualized in my head.
Speaker: Like I was like buying into like, I'm supposed to be sexy and I'm supposed to have sex and I'm supposed to do this.
Speaker: And so I,
Speaker: I literally had whipped cream once and we went in the back and I don't even know what we did.
Speaker: Nothing crazy.
Speaker: It was it was like it was like during after school hours.
Speaker: Like, I don't even know.
Speaker: I can't remember it.
Speaker: So I think I need to go to trauma therapy like Corey.
Speaker: So basically it was really fucked up because.
Speaker: I didn't stop there.
Speaker: I took it, once I got into college, I did have a boyfriend in college as well.
Speaker: And then after that, I think that's when I was fucked up, really started getting fucked up because it came to a point where like I was basing my whole worth on, like I thought, how can I feel good about myself?
Speaker: Oh, I'll get somebody to fuck me.
Speaker: And, um, it ain't good people.
Speaker: It ain't good.
Speaker: Um, I'm cause I'm 41 and now I'm, I've been very solidly in my, I hate men phase for the last four years.
Speaker: Very solid.
Speaker: I wrote a song about it and, um, I still hate most men.
Speaker: I don't, I'm, I'm creeped out by a lot of guys.
Speaker: I'm very picky.
Speaker: I also, um,
Speaker: I'm picky with a lot of things, my food and my guys.
Speaker: So it's very weird for me to talk about it because this revelation that I've had this revelation in the last few years where I'm like.
Speaker: I was abusing myself by having in my my whole phase was me abusing myself.
Speaker: It wasn't fun.
Speaker: It got to the point where.
Speaker: It's just like, I don't even know who was who, what was what.
Speaker: So it wasn't fun.
Speaker: So it seems fun, but it was actually a cry for help, I feel like, where I just wanted real love and attention and I probably didn't think I was gonna get that.
Speaker: So I said, since I can't get that, I love sex.
Speaker: I love sex.
Speaker: Like that was my whole thing at some point, right?
Speaker: I was like, I love having sex and I wanna fuck guys.
Speaker: And it's like, I'm so disgusted that I used to even think like that because it's gross.
Speaker: And fuck men and I hate men.
Speaker: Damn.
Speaker: So it's just like, it starts off fun.
Speaker: You know, the ho face.
Speaker: It starts off fun.
Speaker: And then you are not getting your needs met that you think you're getting met, right?
Speaker: Like for me, that's what happened.
Speaker: It's like, I thought I was supposed to feel better if I did this.
Speaker: isn't this what I'm supposed to be doing?
Speaker: Everyone else is doing it.
Speaker: And I think the other thing is that, you know, I grew up, everything was so sexualized in the eighties and the nineties.
Speaker: And it was, everything was so hyper sexualized to me.
Speaker: Um, everything was about sex, literally like the songs on the radio were all about sex.
Speaker: And, um, this is how I know that because this is stupid.
Speaker: But as I've said before, I was a Mickey Mouse club, MMC fan.
Speaker: And they literally couldn't do the show anymore because they covered songs on the show.
Speaker: And the popular songs of the day started in the early 90s were just so sexual that, like, they couldn't...
Speaker: Like, these are teens and, you know, they can't be singing these songs.
Speaker: And then the last season, they tried to, like, edit and do some of them.
Speaker: Because I'm like, we're talking about Salt-N-Pepa.
Speaker: Like, this is 1994.
Speaker: We're talking about Salt-N-Pepa.
Speaker: We're talking about those kind of, like, rap kind of songs.
Speaker: It was just so... I was born in 1994.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: This is what I'm trying to tell you.
Speaker: So it was such everything was very sexualized in the media and in pop culture that for somebody like me that was like immersed in it for so many years.
Speaker: Like I literally started watching MTV as soon as I could use the remote control.
Speaker: My parents didn't know what I was doing.
Speaker: Didn't care.
Speaker: So basically what I'm saying is that contributed to me thinking I had to do this thing and like this thing and therefore did not contribute to me knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.
Speaker: And so therefore, here I am now trying to figure that out.
Speaker: So that's my dissertation.
Speaker: Interesting.
Speaker: Interesting.
Speaker: Yeah, it's funny because I've like done a complete, not a complete 180.
Speaker: But, you know, I'm the girl who like, until recently, because I'm trying to not do it so much anymore.
Speaker: Like, you're always told, like, don't fuck on the first date.
Speaker: And I'm like, nah, nah.
Speaker: Wait, you're like, wait, what do you mean?
Speaker: Oh, I do.
Speaker: I do.
Speaker: I do fuck on the first date.
Speaker: I have.
Speaker: But.
Speaker: I feel like that's a thing that's like rooted in like a weird patriarchal bullshit because I saw this really awesome like poem on TikTok.
Speaker: It was a spoken word poem where this girl said she was like, no, because I'd rather have you fuck my body before you fuck my mind.
Speaker: And that really kind of did something to me.
Speaker: But I do I do feel like.
Speaker: for me, it is a reclaiming of, you know, no, like I am going to do this because I do need to know that that physical attraction is there immediately from both sides.
Speaker: And, you know, it's dating, it's messy, but I've definitely found
Speaker: that I don't, you know, I feel like people say, you know, women get attached to sex.
Speaker: You know, if you have sex with someone, oh, they're going to be attached immediately and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: And I don't find that, but I definitely have found like,
Speaker: What's the big deal?
Speaker: Like what?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, I thought those things have been true for me.
Speaker: Wait, why repeat that?
Speaker: Both of those things have been true for me.
Speaker: Like what's the big deal?
Speaker: Whatever.
Speaker: And then also I'm, I'm obsessed with you and I will want to keep having sex with you.
Speaker: Like, you know what I mean?
Speaker: Like it's, it depends on the person to me.
Speaker: It depends on the connection and what's going on with the connection with the person.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: And I mean, some of it.
Speaker: Yeah, I guess you saying that like yours was a reclaiming, I do think like subconsciously for me, like.
Speaker: It's almost like, OK, I know I'm like I spent too long thinking I wasn't hot.
Speaker: Now I know I'm hot and I feel like I have I have to make up for lost time almost.
Speaker: And that's how it feels because I feel like, you know, I didn't really have a full college experience where I was like hooking up every weekend and all this stuff.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And even when I moved here, like, you know, I'm still very, I was very hesitant.
Speaker: And so now, like, it's like I've almost gotten to a rhythm where I'm like, nah, nah, I'm gonna fuck a little and we're gonna see.
Speaker: And it's, you know, but it's funny because until very recently, I had never, like, had sex with or hooked up with another fat person.
Speaker: And that was an interesting experience because it was very safe.
Speaker: It was, it was like this unspoken safeness that was really lovely.
Speaker: And this person ended up fucking around with my emotions and, you know,
Speaker: People are still flawed.
Speaker: But I think that's why I got attached because I did not have sex with this person.
Speaker: But I think it was that connection and because this person told me, you make my body feel sexy.
Speaker: And it broke my heart and also made me feel really good at the same time.
Speaker: Because I realized like I had never h ad a sexual experience with another fat person.
Speaker: Like, and I was like, well, am I, is that my own internalized shit?
Speaker: You know, that like, I'm not allowed to have these insecurities on my body if I'm not wanting to see the fat bodies myself.
Speaker: Like it was a weird thing.
Speaker: Um, yeah.
Speaker: Which weirdly, it's like I became attached to a person that I didn't have sex with because of it.
Speaker: So it was kind of crazy.
Speaker: But everyone deserves to feel sexy.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And if you're having sex with someone, tell them that their body's sexy.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: It means something.
Speaker: I think that this is actually, I have a really good story.
Speaker: I mean, it's not good.
Speaker: It's crazy.
Speaker: But basically, I also should have prefaced it, my thing with saying,
Speaker: I was in a smaller body during all of these experiences.
Speaker: And by smaller body, I mean under 14, let's say 14 and under or 12 and under, something like that.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Just so we can understand.
Speaker: And so then I actually, my, an ex-boyfriend of mine, we met while we were working and
Speaker: together and he was a big guy, tall and big.
Speaker: And I had never fucked around with a big guy ever.
Speaker: Because internalized fat phobia.
Speaker: And it's just not my type.
Speaker: I was a size 10 at the time, gaining weight by the fucking day.
Speaker: And it's like we worked together and he was making me laugh.
Speaker: And then I went home and I was like telling my sister, I'm like, I don't know.
Speaker: Like this guy is really funny that I work with, but he's like fat.
Speaker: He's like a fat guy.
Speaker: I'm like –
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I've never like been attracted to a fat guy.
Speaker: I don't even know if I'm attracted to him.
Speaker: I just like, I like his personality.
Speaker: He's funny.
Speaker: And then obviously that ended up into us starting to date.
Speaker: And I mean,
Speaker: Then I started getting fatter and fatter and fatter.
Speaker: But, and depressed and depressed and depressed.
Speaker: But the sex wasn't good.
Speaker: So we barely had any.
Speaker: I mean, that's, that's.
Speaker: There's that.
Speaker: That was like the end of me.
Speaker: I felt like that experience really made me think like, okay, well, I don't,
Speaker: I want to have sex again, right?
Speaker: Because I'm not having it.
Speaker: But I can't have it with him.
Speaker: And so finally when I got the courage to break up with him, I was on my journey to lose weight so that I could fuck guys again.
Speaker: Okay, so then I did and it sucked because they sucked.
Speaker: All of the guys.
Speaker: All of the guys sucked.
Speaker: Because I see that's what I'm saying.
Speaker: Like, because I I was trying to fit into something.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Mm hmm.
Speaker: I was trying to fit into something to make.
Speaker: You weren't.
Speaker: You weren't going to be happy with anything.
Speaker: Really?
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: Because I was trying to fit something that was like not the real me.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So it's like stories that I had going on that I'm like, well, I'm never doing that again.
Speaker: Like I want to have a hot guy and I want to I have to look hot to have a hot guy.
Speaker: You know, so like that was just a whole fuck.
Speaker: That was my fucked up brain.
Speaker: Like and then I had a really fucked up thing happen right after that.
Speaker: This is actually another good one for this.
Speaker: So this guy had been obsessed with my whole life and had fucked around fully with my mind and my body.
Speaker: Basically, he kind of helped me break up with this guy.
Speaker: Not helped me.
Speaker: He didn't know.
Speaker: But for me, it was like the escape plan I needed.
Speaker: Whatever.
Speaker: But...
Speaker: So then once I broke up with my ex, this other guy, I was like, well, after I lose weight, I'm going to see him again and I'm going to fuck him again one last time.
Speaker: And so I had gotten down to a probably, I think I was about a size 12.
Speaker: Now, when I dated him, I was my thinnest ever, this guy.
Speaker: I was like a size fucking six.
Speaker: Crazy.
Speaker: So basically six months later, break up with the guy, the one guy, start dieting again, working out a lot, losing, trying to lose weight, get down to a size 12 and then plan to meet up with him.
Speaker: And then I meet, you're going to love this Gia.
Speaker: I meet up with him and we start kissing and
Speaker: And of course, I'm feeling like self-conscious, right?
Speaker: Because I'm bigger than I was the last time I was with him, right?
Speaker: So I'm like, oh my God, this is weird.
Speaker: I mean, it's good, but it's weird.
Speaker: And then he was like, well, I'm still attracted to you.
Speaker: As if because I was bigger, he might not have been.
Speaker: Bye.
Speaker: And you needed that reassurance?
Speaker: Like he was like a little bit shocked about it when he said it.
Speaker: I can't.
Speaker: I mean, I didn't stop because that's what happens to me.
Speaker: I lose all control.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I can't advocate for myself.
Speaker: I lose all of my brains.
Speaker: They go away.
Speaker: I'm like, I don't know what to do now.
Speaker: I don't know what to do now.
Speaker: Short circuit.
Speaker: Keep doing what we're doing.
Speaker: Because we're just taught that, like, any male attention is what you should strive to get.
Speaker: Because I think about, like, when I –
Speaker: You know, I feel like every single fat girl has like that guy she went to high school with that tries to get with her once you graduate.
Speaker: And I had that like when I because I went to school like out of state and the rest of like my high school friends all kind of went to the same college.
Speaker: So I would go to LSU parties and stuff.
Speaker: And this guy that I had known since like middle school.
Speaker: Just like.
Speaker: we started this weird pattern at hooking up at parties.
Speaker: And it was like this very strange thing because he had never expressed any interest in me.
Speaker: But then I would come in town and go to one of these parties and he'd be all over me.
Speaker: And it was just like, well, why didn't you say any of this when we were in high school together?
Speaker: Like why, you know?
Speaker: And it's, it's funny.
Speaker: Cause like, this is a guy who also like fun backed,
Speaker: I had a graduation party when I graduated high school and this guy had sex with a different girl in a car in my driveway.
Speaker: And so I'm like, you had ample opportunity to tell me that you were attracted to me to tell me that you wanted to fuck me.
Speaker: And like, you wait until like, we're at like a fucking house party in LSU, which like, for those of you who know, LSU is a big old party school.
Speaker: Everything's insane.
Speaker: But yeah, I hooked up with him probably like,
Speaker: three or four times.
Speaker: Was it out in public?
Speaker: Like, yes and no.
Speaker: Like he'd pull me into a room.
Speaker: And like, we'd just disappear and come back and like, you know, and I don't even think I told anyone.
Speaker: Like, I just kind of like let people just whatever.
Speaker: And he still will hit me up.
Speaker: He will still hit me up from time to time.
Speaker: And he's like,
Speaker: almost engaged I don't know maybe he's engaged I don't know what the fuck he's doing but it's funny because I wish I had had the courage to advocate for myself then and be like okay but why now like why like when because it was always like w hen he like when he'd catch wind that I was coming back in town to visit then he would be like oh hey and I just wish in that moment I had been like like why didn't you ever like
Speaker: say anything like where did this come from or like am I just like a pair of like sneaky titties for you like I don't know what but it is it's hard like it's I feel like again it's like at least for me like I had the mentality of like
Speaker: If you're going to be a fat girl, like you have to be really good at sex.
Speaker: Like you have to be really good at sex because you can't give the world another reason to not like you.
Speaker: So like I feel like that's where the weird – where did the weird like trope about fat girl – like big girls give the best head come from?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Have you heard that?
Speaker: I don't think I've heard that.
Speaker: You haven't?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: That was something I grew up with.
Speaker: It was like fat girls give the best head and like just weird shit.
Speaker: When actually it's not very derogatory.
Speaker: I would say singers give the best head because we have good soft palate placement.
Speaker: But that is a fact.
Speaker: That's what I say in my voice lessons when I'm singing.
Speaker: She'll be like, imagine this in the back of your throat.
Speaker: And I'm like a dick.
Speaker: Got it.
Speaker: Ain't nobody belts in defying gravity who ain't sucked a dick.
Speaker: That's all I'm saying.
Speaker: I mean, that's factual.
Speaker: That's all I'm saying.
Speaker: You are not.
Speaker: There's a skill.
Speaker: There's a skill involved in raising the soft palate.
Speaker: Anywho.
Speaker: It's true.
Speaker: But it's, yeah, I just feel like there's all these stereotypes about, like, bigger women and sex.
Speaker: Not so much about bigger men, though I do feel like bigger men catch the other end of the stick, which is that they never, oh, you never get laid.
Speaker: Like, it's kind of...
Speaker: I feel like that's I think the opposite.
Speaker: Really?
Speaker: I think there's so many.
Speaker: Well, first off, I think there's so many weird looking dudes with really beautiful women that I don't understand.
Speaker: But ain't that the truth.
Speaker: But I've it's weird because I've met a lot of women that like like huskier guys.
Speaker: Well, but husky and fat are two different.
Speaker: Well, and we can blame the dad, the glorification of the dad bod.
Speaker: The dad bod, yep.
Speaker: Because to me, there's a difference between like a guy with a low belly and a big guy.
Speaker: Like a guy, like, okay, like a guy who drinks like too many, too much beer and a fat guy.
Speaker: Like that's,
Speaker: And I do blame this glorification of the dad bod for that.
Speaker: Because, yeah, like, it's because even the women who say they're attracted to dad bods are not attracted to fat men.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I don't.
Speaker: Agree.
Speaker: And when you call them out on that, ooh-wee, it's a fun conversation.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And now there's this whole, I don't know, I guess growing up, it was like, yeah, for me, it was like the fat guys were always kind of the butt of the joke.
Speaker: And then unless they were like on the football team and then they became very mean.
Speaker: And so it just, it starts so early, I think like that stigmatization.
Speaker: And then like, it's like, we're all uncomfortable with our bodies.
Speaker: No one in college is comfortable with their bodies.
Speaker: You're just slapping yourselves together and hoping to feel something.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: You're just, you're just putting it in somewhere and hoping to not be sad.
Speaker: That's, you know, that's about it.
Speaker: As Aquaria, one of my fave drag Queens would say, any hole is a goal.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, yeah.
Speaker: That's what it's like when you're young.
Speaker: That is what it's like when you're in that age group.
Speaker: And it's funny because even like my experience with women is like much less than with men, but I still have the same insecurities, which is crazy.
Speaker: I feel like I would, I don't know because I'm not, but I feel like I would be more insecure with a woman.
Speaker: I just thought I would, I guess I thought I would feel safer.
Speaker: thought I wouldn't feel any of these worries.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: You think you're going to feel safer.
Speaker: And then actually, yeah, no, not like it was all still there for me.
Speaker: And yeah.
Speaker: And then again, I find myself because whenever I like, whenever I have like fat phobia 101 with someone,
Speaker: I bring up dating apps.
Speaker: I'm like, okay, like on dating apps.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Check where you're swiping.
Speaker: Just like kind of have a little bit of a self-awareness of...
Speaker: are you swiping left on all the fat people?
Speaker: You know, whatever.
Speaker: And so when I like came out as bisexual and switched my dating apps, well, I actually switched my dating apps way before I like started telling people.
Speaker: I just was like, let me just see.
Speaker: I started really catching myself with women because I was not like, I was not swiping right on any fat women.
Speaker: And I was like, Gia, you're a piece of shit.
Speaker: Gia, you're terrible.
Speaker: Like,
Speaker: I really like was like, Gia, you're a liar.
Speaker: Like, it makes me feel like it makes me feel like everything I'm doing this podcast, everything, it's a lie.
Speaker: Like everything you stand for is nothing.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And that's something I'm still I'm still working on because it's.
Speaker: I just feel like we're constantly in these catch 22s.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And then I just spiral and then I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.
Speaker: I mean, well, I think it's, I'm glad that you have an area like this where, cause I have mine as well.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And where I think, you know.
Speaker: That you're a bad faddy.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I don't want to be that anymore.
Speaker: But it, I mean, it's such a new experience for you doing all that, right?
Speaker: Like it's just, that's just like, it's totally new, right?
Speaker: I mean, but it is.
Speaker: In the dating world, yes.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker: Have you gone on dates with women?
Speaker: No, I haven't.
Speaker: See, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker: It's so scary.
Speaker: Girls are so scary.
Speaker: It's the first time of doing that.
Speaker: Yeah, dudes are easy.
Speaker: It's just like... Well, because they're funny.
Speaker: Usually they have one thing in their mind.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Would you say?
Speaker: Is that still true?
Speaker: Yes and no.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: It feels like that.
Speaker: I mean, back in my day, it felt like that.
Speaker: It's so funny because, like, I know this person right now who, like, is very much, like, working on their physical fitness and is in the gym every day.
Speaker: And, like, that's really awesome.
Speaker: Like, they are very committed.
Speaker: But they also are, like, wanting to be a hoe and, like, posting all this shit on social media about, like, wanting to, like,
Speaker: Slut it up.
Speaker: And I'm just like, it's kind of that thing I've been talking about, right?
Speaker: Of working on your body and mind at the same time.
Speaker: Because it's like, do you really think like you're going to feel comfortable?
Speaker: Like if you're not working on like the mental side of like this physical transformation, are you like going to like, who are you fucking for?
Speaker: Like what?
Speaker: Like you should just get like a pocket pussy like at that point because like you're not going to be able to even focus on the other person.
Speaker: Yeah, that's exactly how it felt like for me, too.
Speaker: Oh, so you just don't even want to, like, you just want to escape entirely?
Speaker: I feel like it was like, let's get to a place where you look hot enough to get certain guys to have sex with you.
Speaker: Right?
Speaker: And then I would put myself in situations that were weird and not normal.
Speaker: just to get the deed done that you said you were going to do, right?
Speaker: You're like, you're going to have sex with this guy because you lost weight.
Speaker: So it's like, but I was so fucked up in my head because that is not a good tactic to use to do that.
Speaker: So you're right.
Speaker: Like, I should have, I can't, you can't do it all.
Speaker: Like, you have to.
Speaker: Something's good.
Speaker: Something the other shoe always drops.
Speaker: The other shoe always drops and something comes up and then you're having a breakdown after you just fuck somebody.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Like, why did I just do that?
Speaker: I mean, yeah, you're ready for this thing.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And you think it's going to be something else.
Speaker: And like this person, it's like probably posting thirst traps.
Speaker: Is that what's going on?
Speaker: Not even like memes and weird shit.
Speaker: Very weird.
Speaker: It's very strange.
Speaker: It's very strange.
Speaker: You think you know what you want, but boo-boo, and then you get it?
Speaker: And did you really want that?
Speaker: Are you even prepared for that?
Speaker: Well, that's the thing.
Speaker: Because I wasn't prepared.
Speaker: I thought it was.
Speaker: Well, that's kind of how I thought, because in this specific person, I'm like, you don't even know how to hoe.
Speaker: Why are you trying to be a hoe?
Speaker: And then I'm like, but Gia, do you know how to hoe?
Speaker: Do you even know how to hoe?
Speaker: Does anyone know how to hoe?
Speaker: Does anyone know how to hoe?
Speaker: Because somebody might be doing it that way.
Speaker: This could be a Dr. Seuss novel.
Speaker: I mean, it's true.
Speaker: What are, because, okay, especially when we're talking casual sex, everybody, it's like, you have an expectation.
Speaker: They have an expectation.
Speaker: I don't think people know what each other's expectations are.
Speaker: If they just say, want to hook up?
Speaker: Yeah, I do.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: But nobody knows.
Speaker: You don't know what that person's expectation is.
Speaker: You only know what you're thinking you are going to get from it.
Speaker: So it's very, you know, if you're fragile, like me, if you're very emotional, it doesn't always end well, let's say, in certain situations.
Speaker: They don't.
Speaker: Because that's a lot of... Ho caution.
Speaker: Ho caution.
Speaker: That will be the title of this episode.
Speaker: I'm writing it down right now.
Speaker: Ho caution.
Speaker: No, and it's funny because then I'm like, okay, well maybe because, okay, so then my therapist was like, Gia, try not having sex with people so quickly.
Speaker: And I was like, goddamn, Karen, fine.
Speaker: No, but you want to have a ho phase.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: It's hard.
Speaker: Sorry.
Speaker: Well, no, I think I could be a hoe.
Speaker: Because to me, I think a good hoe is still a communicative hoe.
Speaker: What does that mean to you?
Speaker: It means communicating expectations.
Speaker: It means like...
Speaker: Okay, is this a one-time thing?
Speaker: Is it a multiple-time thing?
Speaker: These are my expectations if it's a multiple-time thing.
Speaker: Like, that's what that means to me.
Speaker: And I feel like some people are like, oh, I'm just going to keep it casual.
Speaker: No one's fucking casual.
Speaker: No one on this earth is casual.
Speaker: We are living in one unprecedented time after another.
Speaker: Absolutely no one is casual.
Speaker: No one thinks casually.
Speaker: So just communicate.
Speaker: And yet they use that word.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Casual for casual.
Speaker: Oh, what does casual mean to you?
Speaker: But yeah, no, I mean, it is.
Speaker: Yeah, I feel like.
Speaker: Ho, ho caution.
Speaker: How do you reclaim?
Speaker: How do you reclaim your body?
Speaker: I think I feel like there is a way to be an ethical ho.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: In this time, in this time and space, right?
Speaker: This day and age.
Speaker: This day and age.
Speaker: And I would love to know if the people that lead this kind of lifestyle, what's, do they feel healthy mentally?
Speaker: Do they feel okay with what they're doing all the time?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: That's what I'm saying.
Speaker: Like, because what for me, it wore me down.
Speaker: I'm just too sensitive of a person that it didn't work for me.
Speaker: And I tried to keep making it work because I thought I was supposed to be doing it.
Speaker: We'll have to have a part two of this episode if I start doing it.
Speaker: And then.
Speaker: Oh, definitely.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I went on a date last week, though, and it was not fun.
Speaker: So, you know, TBT.
Speaker: And that is why I do not want to go on dates, especially I don't.
Speaker: In this body, I'm just very scared, too, to be quite honest.
Speaker: I used to get so much vitriol from being smaller than this.
Speaker: So I just honestly don't know what would happen if I present myself in this form to straight men.
Speaker: It's so funny because I have, like, I'll have a lot of anxiety leading up to something, but then once I'm there, blind confidence switches on.
Speaker: That's crazy.
Speaker: Like, one, like, hinge date that I did go on that I did fuck on the first date, like, I just... And he was much smaller than me.
Speaker: And he was, like, one of those, like, skinny nerd boys.
Speaker: But...
Speaker: I just remember I was like, oh, he's leaning in.
Speaker: He's leaning in.
Speaker: Turn it on.
Speaker: Like it's a very active switch where I'm like, and now we're now we're fucking now we're doing it.
Speaker: And yeah, so it's.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Weird.
Speaker: It's weird.
Speaker: It's very weird.
Speaker: It's very weird.
Speaker: But it's again, it's that just like I just decide to have blind confidence.
Speaker: That's generally what I do.
Speaker: Okay, well, I don't even know how I would do that.
Speaker: I can't even imagine that.
Speaker: All I know is that I would go into something and then I'd be like, what?
Speaker: This is why you need to read more smut, Christine.
Speaker: Because literally, you just pop one of your favorite novels up in your head.
Speaker: And you're like, I'm going to beat that.
Speaker: See, I'm so past that.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: I'm just like, I want love.
Speaker: I just need care and kindness towards me.
Speaker: Just hold me.
Speaker: I was just going to say that.
Speaker: I saw this couple.
Speaker: I just saw this little young couple today while I was walking home from the subway from work.
Speaker: And they were saying goodbye and they were hugging and embracing and they were like holding each other.
Speaker: And it was so cute.
Speaker: And I was like, that's what I want.
Speaker: That's what I want.
Speaker: Like, I don't need to get fucked anymore.
Speaker: Like, I don't need that.
Speaker: Like, now I honestly...
Speaker: You need to get fucked in your heart.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: I need my heart to get fucked with somebody else's heart.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Hearts going at it.
Speaker: Heart fucking.
Speaker: It's just, um, I just feel like people need to be, whatever you want to do.
Speaker: I want people to do it.
Speaker: And I do want you to have your whole face.
Speaker: Cause I think honestly, I'm glad that I did go through a whole phase because I would have been wondering if I didn't.
Speaker: I would have been wondering if I didn't.
Speaker: Well, that's how I feel.
Speaker: That's why you – I got to – Don't listen to your therapist.
Speaker: You got to do you on this one.
Speaker: Because if you don't want a romantic relationship right now and you want to get some – Go get it.
Speaker: Right?
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And have your moment.
Speaker: Have your moment.
Speaker: Because you're going to learn something about yourself because I sure as hell did.
Speaker: It might have taken a few years to really learn it, but I still learned something about myself and I'm happy about it.
Speaker: I mean, I don't have regrets from that.
Speaker: It just –
Speaker: Not optimal.
Speaker: Valid.
Speaker: Valid.
Speaker: Let's just say this.
Speaker: I didn't get herpes.
Speaker: Hey, Christine, what's the difference between love and herpes?
Speaker: Herpes is forever.
Speaker: I thought diamonds were forever.
Speaker: Well, so is herpes.
Speaker: They both are.
Speaker: Yikes.
Speaker: People with herpes?
Speaker: Oh, man.
Speaker: Forever.
Speaker: Together.
Speaker: Oh, man.
Speaker: diamonds herpes and hoes whoa that's the title diamonds herpes and hoes we could take it anywhere i feel like oh man we really we really take it to some places oh wow well i learned from you today christine oh you did yeah i feel like i i enter my whole phase a more educated woman
Speaker: You have that badass bitchness within you and you have the thing you just said where you turn the confidence on.
Speaker: You would have a very successful ho face.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Thank you kindly.
Speaker: Have you watched Sex and the City?
Speaker: Samantha Jones.
Speaker: Just live and learn it.
Speaker: I'm trying to be Samantha Jones, yo.
Speaker: That's what I'm telling you.
Speaker: That's who you have to channel.
Speaker: I feel like not only are you in New York City, but you can get that Samantha Jones ho-ness going on and be like...
Speaker: I love Samantha Jones.
Speaker: I love sex in the city.
Speaker: I mean, I actually should have said that because I loved sex in the city so much.
Speaker: I thought I had to have sex.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: All the time.
Speaker: And what would your life have been like if sex in the city had had
Speaker: Had one of them been fat.
Speaker: One of those women.
Speaker: Just saying.
Speaker: Oh, please.
Speaker: I would never do that.
Speaker: Just saying.
Speaker: They just got to the ethnic diversity on that show.
Speaker: So I don't know how long we're going to get to the.
Speaker: Che is the currently Che is the is the fattest.
Speaker: Quote unquote.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So fucking stupid.
Speaker: A normal body person.
Speaker: Mm hmm.
Speaker: Lord.
Speaker: I think you should go for it.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Ho on.
Speaker: Ho on, my friends.
Speaker: Ho on.
Speaker: You're either on the ho track or you're on the recovering ho track.
Speaker: Oh, man.
Speaker: So much.
Speaker: We're just getting down and dirty up in here.
Speaker: Ayo.
Speaker: Thanks for talking to me about hoeing, Christine.
Speaker: I appreciate you.
Speaker: We'll return after you've done a little hoeing, maybe.
Speaker: There it is.
Speaker: We'll do a part two.
Speaker: And then we can see how it's going.
Speaker: Diamonds, herpes, and hoes part two.
Speaker: Diamonds, herpes, and hoes part two.
Speaker: Fantastic.
Speaker: Which everyone will be fucking pounding the doors down for.
Speaker: Fantastic.
Speaker: Hopefully my door will be getting pounded as well.
Speaker: Oh!
Speaker: Okay, y'all.
Speaker: Anyhow.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Hold out.
Speaker: Thanks for listening.
Speaker: Bye.
