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Annalee Kruger: The Invisible Patient and the Cost of Caregiving
6 Plays4 hours ago
In this episode, Eric talks with Annalee Kruger, founder of CareRight Inc., longtime senior care consultant, and author of The Invisible Patient. Their conversation explores what family caregiving really looks like behind the scenes and why the people providing care often become the most overlooked ones in the system.
Annalee draws from decades of experience working with families in crisis to explain how denial, lack of planning, and misunderstanding of aging and dementia compound stress for spouses and adult children. She shares why waiting until a medical emergency forces decisions almost always leads to worse outcomes, higher costs, and fractured relationships.
They also unpack what an actual aging plan includes, why “aging in place” is more complex and expensive than most families expect, and how caregivers quietly sacrifice their health, careers, and relationships while trying to hold everything together.
They cover:
- Why most families wait too long to plan and what triggers crisis mode
- What adult children commonly misunderstand about dementia and caregiving
- The hidden emotional, physical, and financial toll on family caregivers
- Why denial is often the biggest barrier to action
- What an aging plan really includes beyond paperwork
- How caregiver burnout shows up and why it’s so often ignored
- The role of neutral third parties in preventing family conflict
- How planning restores dignity, agency, and sustainability for everyone involved
This is a grounded, practical conversation for anyone caring for aging parents, supporting a spouse, or trying to understand what caregiving actually demands over time.
Episode Links
- Annalee Kruger’s company, CareRight Inc.: https://carerightinc.com
- Connect with Annalee on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/annaleekruger/
- The Invisible Patient by Annalee Kruger: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Patient-Emotional-Financial-Caregivers/dp/B09QC9D1PM/
For more episodes: https://unfoldingthought.com
Questions or guest ideas: eric@inboundandagile.com
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Transcript
Weather and Audiobook Preference
00:00:03
Speaker
Annalie, thank you for joining me. Where does today's recording find you? Hi, Eric. Thanks for having me. I am here in what would normally be sunny southwest Florida, but we are overcast and rainy today.
00:00:16
Speaker
Annalie, I have read your book and, well, I should say listened to the audio book, so I don't have it physically with me. And you and I talked briefly just a few days ago, but would you mind telling me a little bit about yourself?
Annalie's Background and Career
00:00:30
Speaker
Sure. So I'm a Midwest girl, Iowa farm girl, and um always had elderly people in my life. Our grandparents lived with us on the farm when we were growing up because in the 70s, the options were you either fail and die at home or you move into a nursing home or you move in with your adult kids. And so we were able to keep our grandparents out of the nursing home.
00:00:56
Speaker
ah that That's what stimulated my a passion for working with seniors and family caregivers is that's all I've ever known. So I worked as a social worker, marketing director, and an executive director of CCRCs, Continuing Care Retirement Communities. Those are the communities that have independent living all the way down through nursing homes.
00:01:19
Speaker
And I did that for almost three decades. And every day I had adult kids in my office because mom was the primary caregiver to dad. She had a stroke.
00:01:31
Speaker
Dad has dementia. And now the kids are like, oh, my gosh, what are we going to do? Because now we have two parents and me, two totally different types of care. A lot of times the kids didn't realize how demented their dad was because their mom kind of shielded them from some of that. But the difference between families back then and families now is that back then families lived down the street from each other and they were a little bit, a little bit more in tune with what's going on. And they had maybe a little bit better relationships with each other because they lived nearby and they had, you know, they had abilities to be together.
00:02:07
Speaker
But, um you know, that's that's what prompted me to work in the senior care consulting business or industry. And I've never never parted ways with it. Just that's my passion.
00:02:20
Speaker
It sounds to me like you...
Family Caregiving Dynamics
00:02:24
Speaker
You may have experienced some things growing up that are rarer and rarer, if I can put them in that way. So let me come into this by asking first, were there thoughts specific motivations to, you know, taking care of your grandparents in your house? Are you aware that, for example, your parents just never questioned whether or not they would do it? Or are you aware that there were certain discussions or tensions that went on?
00:03:00
Speaker
You know, it just seems like back then families family um families were more able to kind of step in. And that was kind of just more of the family philosophy back then.
00:03:17
Speaker
Um, you know, and, and my mom worked, worked at home. She, you know, we're farmers. So she was, she was at home. My dad was at home, but he also worked a full-time job. And so when the, when the time came that our, my mom's mom and my dad's dad, because they were both widows, when the time came that they needed more care and oversight and assistance, it just, it was kind of a no-brainer. Like family takes care of family, right? Um, and, and so there wasn't really,
00:03:46
Speaker
Any need to have a family discussion back then because that's just something that we had already kind of committed to doing to help help our aging parents. And our families are really close. Like, we're very close-knit family.
00:04:00
Speaker
um and so it was just kind of a... ah You know, but it was just something there were no issues with taking care of both of them. The challenge came, however, is because not long after we committed to taking care of my grandmother, and my mom' my mom's mom needed actual hands-on care, like bathing, dressing, grooming. medication management, medication reminders, cooking, her food, all that kind of stuff. Where my dad's dad, he was you just needed the socialization and the social engagement.
00:04:34
Speaker
He didn't need help with anything. um And so he'd he'd ride horses. He'd ride the combine and the hay rack. I mean, he was like very active, you know, very, very much in good shape. But what happened not long after we committed to taking care of them was my oldest sister went to college and unfortunately became a missing person.
00:04:55
Speaker
And so my dad and my brother would spend lots of weekends going i to the state that my sister went to college in trying to find her.
00:05:05
Speaker
And so my mom and my other sister and I took a lot of care of my my grandparents. And it just it was just a natural, natural thing to do. We we just a very close that family.
00:05:17
Speaker
So I know that we're going to talk a lot about the invisible patient. Yeah. You know, the title of the book and all that. But if you'll forgive me, I do want to ask about this. Your sister.
00:05:30
Speaker
So that's a big life event that went on. Do you mind filling in a little of that story? That's OK. Yeah, sure. so So like I said, my dad and my brother went to Nebraska on the weekends trying to find find her. um Unfortunately, we never were able to find her. But in the interim of the years of years of time that my dad and my brother were trying to go find her,
00:06:00
Speaker
um You know, obviously my grandparents' needs became more and more because they were getting older. And so, you know, my other sister and I and my mom were just actively involved in taking care of, taking care of, of both grandparents. And it had just, you know, it just showed me how, know,
00:06:19
Speaker
no matter what happens in our Kruger family, like we have each other's back, right? And so it's just sometimes it seems like in today's world of families, everybody's just stretched really thin.
00:06:34
Speaker
um and we also had the help and support of my other aunts and uncles who could also come and help out as well if we needed to. So so we worked as a whole family unit to help make sure that my grandfather and my grandmother had what they needed for care.
Misunderstandings About Elder Care
00:06:50
Speaker
are there commonly things that people misunderstand about what it's like to care for, you know, your parent or whoever it is? Oh, and absolutely. Because fast forwarding to, because my, my childhood is what, what shaped me into wanting to be a social worker. And eventually, you know, as, as I am now a ah global family caregiver, um virtual consultant.
00:07:17
Speaker
And so, You know, when I was working in those continuing care retirement communities, the CCRCs that have all the different levels of care, every day i had adult kids coming into my office because, as an example, mom had a stroke. She's burned out taking care of dad with dementia.
00:07:35
Speaker
Kids are like, oh, my gosh, we didn't realize dad was so demented. So here's, you know, and so they they had no idea what questions to ask, what to look for during the du the tour.
00:07:46
Speaker
They had no idea what their parents had in order, like living will, power of attorney. Is dad a veteran? I don't know. They didn't understand dementia. Like, I don't understand. Dad used to be a bank president, but he can't take care of himself with mom in the hospital. So those are those are indications of, and they thought Medicare and Medicaid were the same program. And they didn't understand the difference between like assisted living and nursing home and memory care and all of that. So so there's there's always some of those. um Red flags that families tend to ignore.
00:08:19
Speaker
One of them, the the biggest obstacle I have when I'm working with families or doing, you know, doing some of these podcasts is denial. Just before this call, I was on a a call with ah a son and a daughter who were concerned about their aging parents.
00:08:38
Speaker
And they're like, well, Annalee, we don't need to put a plan in place because mom and dad are doing okay right now. And I said, that's great that they're doing okay right now. That's the best time to put a plan in place. But they don't want to, they're not they're not ready to move forward with putting a plan in place because they are doing okay.
00:08:55
Speaker
So then I always say, well, what's your plan? Everything is going okay until it isn't. And then what? you know And so so some of the the red flags or the obstacles are just kind of family denial of if we want our parents to have an active say in their aging plan, that's the best time to do it is proactively. When you as a family are getting along, but also making informed decisions every step of the way, or what's what's the pros and cons of aging in place at home? What are the care considerations of if mom stays at home, but dad needs memory care, what do we do about that? How do we choose a care community? How do we choose home care? You know, so those are some of the...
00:09:38
Speaker
indicators that that, you know, families families need some help and guidance and understanding.
Caregiving Challenges and Burnout
00:09:44
Speaker
The dementia journey. When families say, well, if dad's dementia gets worse, or they'll say, you know, well, dad got diagnosed with Parkinson's six years ago, and now he's like falling all the time, right? So so there's all this kind of misunderstanding, and some of it's denial about what they're what they're actually trying to take care of for ah for a for a health condition.
00:10:08
Speaker
And i did i don't I also want to jump in about spousal family caregiver burnout, you know, the denial with that too, or or not realizing how how overwhelming it is to take care of a loved one who's also elderly and who has maybe Alzheimer's or dementia, you know, a long progressive disease.
00:10:29
Speaker
And so that's when adult kids tend to get really surprised that mom had a stroke When they don't realize how how much time and energy and oversight someone who has advancing Alzheimer's or advancing dementia requires, when they have their days and nights mixed up, or if they don't recognize their caregiver, their spouse anymore, and become either paranoid or combative or aggressive, they it's It's usually when the primary caregiver, elderly spouse takes ill or dies. That's when the adult kids are like, oh, my gosh, we've had dad for three days and we are exhausted. No matter, and you know, no wonder mom didn't, you know, no wonder she had that stroke or no wonder she passed away. This is this is hard work.
00:11:13
Speaker
It sounded to me like when you were describing, you know, sort of a general scenario of mom and dad are doing fine, so we don't need a plan that that's, you know, we're talking about mom and dad there.
00:11:27
Speaker
But I think if I'm hearing you correctly, you're saying, you're implying that, well, dad might be taking care of mom or vice versa.
00:11:38
Speaker
and That also is a time to ask, is is now the time to make a plan. a Yeah, that ideally, you know, I started Care Right Incorporated in 2011 because for almost three decades, I saw the same pattern of of behavior with all families for, thirty for you know, 30 years. And that is when I would ask the the adult kids or the healthy spouse that came along with the tour, you know,
00:12:08
Speaker
What do you have in order? do you have long-term care insurance? I don't know. My husband always took care of that. Or we never talked about stuff like that as a family. Or there was like 2% of the adult kids who would say, you know, Annalee, we tried to get this information from mom and dad. What are your goals as you age? What do you have for money? Who's your financial planner? Yeah.
00:12:30
Speaker
Where do you want to receive care? what do you have in order? Do you have a power of attorney? Is there long-term care insurance? But the parents gave the kids so much pushback that they quit trying to have those conversations.
00:12:44
Speaker
Well, now mom's in the hospital again with another urinary tract infection. And the kids are kind of beside themselves because they're like, look, we love our parents, but we just don't know what to do with them because they gave they give us so much pushback. Anytime we try to broach these topics of,
00:13:00
Speaker
Mom, you're not doing well. This is your third hospital stay in the last six months. Or dad's wandered out of the house twice. Or mom, you've lost 30 pounds trying to take care of dad. He's got you running ragged, you know, because he's got his, you know, his his dementia has progressed and you can't just like leave him by himself. And so that's that's why I started CareRight is to solve for all those issues that I saw families having.
00:13:25
Speaker
And even some of our own family issues from when I was a kid. how how it is, you know, when when adult kids take their parents in, Sometimes they think it's temporary or that they can manage it. Well, you can manage it until their needs exceed the time that you have.
00:13:46
Speaker
Taking care of an elderly loved one as they age can become a full-time job. Different doctor's appointments, having to toilet them, go go to the pharmacy, set up their medications, go with them to their doctor's appointments, go grocery shopping. All of that stuff takes a lot of time. And maybe you don't have, you know, our family...
00:14:06
Speaker
is unique because we work we were very close or we are very close. but not every every family has that as a blessing or an ingredient in their family structure, right?
00:14:17
Speaker
And so a lot of times adult kids are getting thrust into family caregiving of aging parents that Maybe it's just not a comfortable role, and not a comfortable role for them because maybe they have a lot of family conflict.
00:14:31
Speaker
And now they're now they're trying to take care of someone who maybe they didn't think was the best parent. Or you've got a blended family where mom and you know the two parents got married later in life And the kids actually never really met each other until now that one of the parents had a stroke.
00:14:49
Speaker
And now they're like, well, I don't want my mom getting hurt taking care of your dad. So we're going to move our mom closer to where we live so we can so we can take care of her and you guys figure out what to do with your dad.
00:15:02
Speaker
You know, so that's that's the conundrum that a lot of families end up with. And that's that's why I'm happy that I that i have the opportunity to help those families sort out their care options. What can their parents afford for care and what does that look like?
00:15:16
Speaker
That scenario that you just threw out there, I'm sure you've encountered it plenty of times, but, you know, we're going to move mom closer to us. That Wow.
00:15:28
Speaker
I, I am sure that I have heard things like that, but, you know, i suppose it speaks a bit to the value of planning, right? And if mom or dad or whoever is pushing back that, you know, i guess, let let me put it this way.
00:15:48
Speaker
When is the right time to plan? Oh, I love that. That is one of my very favorite questions. And this is how I always respond. Like a year ago, right? Like, like that's never too soon to start planning. And the reason I say that is because all the people who had major strokes last Thursday,
00:16:06
Speaker
didn't wake up thinking, oh, I think I'm going to have a major stroke today. Right. It just happens. Life has its own agenda. And so we know we we have to be realistic. None of us get stronger, more able bodied, more independent or more mobile or more cognizant as we age. None of us do. We we we go the opposite way.
00:16:28
Speaker
Right. So we should never be surprised that our parents mean care, right? Or that our parents might have memory issues or that our parents are going to fall or that our parents are going to have a heart attack or a stroke or need more care at home or the consideration of moving into a care community at some point. We have to be realistic.
00:16:48
Speaker
And so why I keep saying The time is now to have those conversations because adult kids get thrust into having to make those decisions. Because when your mom is when your mom has that stroke, she's in the hospital and she's lost capacity to speak.
00:17:05
Speaker
And she's the caregiver to dad with dementia. Now neither parent really gets to gets to say in what happens to them as they age. And the adult kids are like thrust into this. And they often don't even live near their parents. So that means that they had to take time away from their business or take time off from work and say, hey, I got to fly from home from New York to Tucson, Arizona or wherever it is mom and dad live.
00:17:31
Speaker
And, you know, try to figure out what are what am I supposed to do? I got to talk to the hospital. And what are we supposed to do with dad? Because he can't stay by himself. And so you can see how this snowball of overwhelm and anxiety and chaos can get really out of control really quickly. So doesn't it just make more sense that while things are going well?
00:17:52
Speaker
And mom and dad are verbal and can communicate to say, OK, kids, these are my goals. When I ask moms and dads, you know, the Ethels and the Marvins, what are your goals as you age? It's always, always the same two responses. I i want to age in place at home and I don't want to be a burden on my kids.
00:18:12
Speaker
When I ask the adult kids, what are your goals for your parents? It's always a variation of the same thing. But the first response is always, I want my parents to be safe. happy, have the best quality of life and the best quality of care possible. The only way to do that is to put an aging plan in place.
00:18:33
Speaker
The other response I want to give when people ask, when is the time to make those plans? There's no age, right? It's not like, oh yeah, when you hit 72, we're going to start talking about the what-whens of aging in case you need care. There's no magic number. Because all the people who had strokes in their 50s didn't ever think they were ever going to have a stroke in their 50s, right?
00:18:57
Speaker
Or take me, I'm 53, but four days after my 40th birthday, i had just returned from Shenzhen in Beijing, China, from doing an international speaking engagement on aging and caregiver burnout.
00:19:11
Speaker
And I was in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. I was walking ah along the main street, over the noon hour, encountered an elderly gentleman who...
Importance of Planning and Essential Documents
00:19:22
Speaker
seemingly could use some help. And I was correct. He was, so I'm like, hi, do you need some help? And he's like, yes, I just had three heart stints put in like six months ago. And I'm moving kind of slow. And I'm like, yep, I kind of gathered something was going on. Do you need me to call the ambulance? And he's like, no, my wife is waiting for me in the car. i just need to get across the street. And I'm like, okay, well, let me help you get across the street. So we're walking across the street.
00:19:51
Speaker
We're in the crosswalk. He's telling me more and more about all of his health issues because that's that's what happens when you when you talk to someone who's ah got a lot of medical issues. And all of a sudden, he yells, watch out.
00:20:04
Speaker
And the next thing I knew, i was getting up off the street. And I was like, what the heck? And I get up and I look around and there's all this broken glass and reflectors all across the street. And I was like, gosh, why is that there? That wasn't just there.
00:20:18
Speaker
And why aren't I in the crosswalk? So it turns out the school bus driver was distracted by the 29 kids on the school bus. And she was looking looking inside that internal mirror instead of through the windshield, and she blew through a four-corner stop. She didn't apply the brakes until she saw my face break the headlight of the school bus.
00:20:41
Speaker
Thankfully, i carry a backpack as a purse with way too much crap in it. But thank God, because when I flew that 15 feet when she hit me, um and I flew 15 feet, my backpack is what saved me from hitting my head on the curb and probably dying or having a brain brain bleed, right?
00:21:02
Speaker
And so do you think I woke up on May 3rd of 2012 thinking, oh, I think I'm going to get hit and hit and run over by a school bus? No. But because I do crisis planning for families or crisis management for families, and that's all I've ever done is crisis work, I carry my living will. I carry my power of attorney I carry my do not resuscitate. And thankfully, I did not lose consciousness because I pulled it out of my backpack and was like, here you go. i gave every ah all of the witnesses that ran out of the stores something to remember. Like, my name is Anna Lee Kruger. I'm a do not resuscitate. Here's my birthday. here's
00:21:45
Speaker
and um Then I sat down on the curb and waited for the paramedic to come and pick me up. So so there's no like number. There's no age of what time to plan. All the people that just got T-boned on the way home from work, same thing if they if they ended up in the hospital. So it's just part of being a responsible adult is let's make sure that we have our living, our grab and go binder, right? Let's make sure that we have our living will, our power of attorney, no matter how old you are.
00:22:14
Speaker
Let's make sure we have, ah you know, our family has the accounts, the passwords. They know which bank accounts you have. They know which bills come out of which accounts. So like these are things that being adult consists of so that, God forbid, something happened.
00:22:31
Speaker
Your family doesn't have to waste tons of anxiety, energy in anxiety, chaos, and overwhelm because we've got everything at their fingertips, all the documents at their fingertips.
00:22:43
Speaker
um But we also know for those that will need care, what are their care options? How much is that care going to cost? What's it look like if they stay at home? Do they have $30,000 a month you know in home care costs? If someone needs to stay at home or wants to stay at home with home care,
00:23:01
Speaker
And what's the landscape of senior care in your in your loved one's area? What are the waiting lists of the different care facilities? You know, so that's that's the that's the value of putting that plan together proactively, preferably so that mom and dad can have a say in it.
00:23:18
Speaker
think I recall in your book, you referencing this accident and there, I realize this is a bit of an aside, but am I recalling correctly that one of the things that lingered for you was, was it vision issues?
00:23:32
Speaker
No, thank God. I was, ah thank God my vision and my teeth and my hearing were okay. Cause my face broke the headlight of the school bus. So my whole face, um is is is titanium. makesit you know It smashed my face in. but But one of the lingering problems was just lack of mobility.
00:23:53
Speaker
Because when you have broken ribs, you have a broken face, and you're single, like I was single. So I needed to go back to Iowa to the farm because I needed care.
00:24:05
Speaker
and i couldn't I couldn't hardly move because I had broken ribs, internal injuries, and a broken face. And I needed to be going up to Mayo Hospital in Minnesota for facial reconstruction surgery. Certainly can't drive. you know So so that's the that's the piece of life that you know a lot of times people are like, Anna Lee, do you only work with elderly people? And I'm like, no, I work with i work with anyone who life got them by the tail. And now we need to figure out what are we going to do? If you need care, if you need help at home, or if you if you can't stay at home, what does that look like if you need like facility or community care level of care? It sounds to me like
00:24:49
Speaker
an ideal situation, I guess, or an ideal position to be in when talking about an aging plan is to be able to deal with values questions first. Like what is it that you really value if you have severe Alzheimer's perhaps, and in one respect or another, you're you're not conscious or or there in the same way that you were just five years prior.
00:25:18
Speaker
What would you like for yourself at that point in your life? And then maybe after the values questions, then we deal with the practicalities. Like, do you have the funds?
00:25:31
Speaker
Have you, I guess, planned ahead to get into certain facilities? Is this, ah am I thinking of some, I guess, considering the right things? You are spot on. You are spot on. And when I do these podcasts or speaking engagements or when people read my book, they're like, oh, Anna Lee, this was so helpful. There's no there's no doubt in my mind that our parents need an aging plan. But how do we broach these topics? Yeah.
00:25:57
Speaker
with our parents, especially if we've already tried to have these conversations. And now there's a bit of a contention in our relationship because we've been going about this every time mom falls or every time dad has a hospital stay. How do we get mom and dad on board with considering working together for an aging plan? And so this is this is how I respond to that.
00:26:22
Speaker
Asking parents, is it important for you to have a say in what happens to you as you age? Because if you don't if you don't line this out or plan for this aging plan, you know that the adult kids are going to be forced into having to figure out what do we do with mom and dad. That's why i wrote my book in the first place. Yeah.
00:26:41
Speaker
is we love mom and dad, but how do we how do we help them when we have our own careers, we have our own families, we have special needs kids, or my husband has cancer and I'm already taking care of him and now my parents need help.
00:26:56
Speaker
How are we supposed to balance all of this? And that's that's one of the reasons I wrote my book. But those are those are some different those are some different considerations of, you know, is it important for you to have a say in what happens to you as you age? Do you want to participate in these in these conversations? Or do you want me to just, you know, do you want us as kids to figure out what to do with you, you know, without having a say in it? But also I say, speak from the heart. Mom and Dad, we love you. We've... we've
00:27:27
Speaker
We're trying our best to help you with whatever it is that they're helping with, but it's not safe and it's not sustainable. I can't focus on my business if I'm always afraid that you fell or you're not taking your pills or you missed your doctor's appointments or the home care worker didn't show up. What we're doing isn't there's no plan. It's just willy nilly and it's not sustainable.
00:27:50
Speaker
Or speak from the heart and say, you know, mom, you need you need nursing. You need a nurse to come out and wrap your wounds or wrap your legs or manage your diabetes or you know, whatever it is you're doing that doesn't feel comfortable.
00:28:06
Speaker
Because you're like, i'm just I'm just your son or I'm just your daughter. I'm i'm not a nurse. I'm not a pharmacist. i'm not a you know I'm not trained in how to transfer you from your chair to the shower.
00:28:17
Speaker
you know so sometimes, you know at a lot of times adult kids are getting thrust into roles that they're not comfortable with. Or sons giving their moms showers or daughters giving their dads showers or having to change the catheter, those kind of things. So that's why we that's why I always encourage families, let's talk now, no matter where you are in the world and no matter where you are in your care journey or decision-making journey, because we want you to make informed decisions from here on out we're We also don't want you as a family to never speak to each other again because of the stress and overwhelm of caregiving or dementia progression or how that how that inheritance should be spent.
00:29:03
Speaker
We want to make sure mom and dad are safe and getting the best quality of care possible. So we're going to have to have some conversations about this. Now, on the flip side, because you can tell that it's primarily the adult kids that reach out to to me right? Yeah. That's why I'm always like, it's mom and dad.
00:29:18
Speaker
But occasionally the Ethels and the Marvins will reach out to me because they're like, Anna Lee, I am so frustrated with my kids. It's the reverse thing, right? I'm so frustrated with my kids because, you know, we we came out of the hospital. Things aren't going well at home. And I've tried to have these conversations with my adult kids about what your mother and I want to do as we age. But the kids are like, They don't want to listen to it. So here we are fumbling around trying to age in place at home and it's not going well because it's not safe. So what do we do? And that it boils down to you really need to have a neutral third party family meeting facilitator to help you with
00:30:02
Speaker
Facilitating these what families perceive as difficult conversations about what are your goals as you age? What do you have for finances? Because if you do have a stroke or when your dementia progresses, is whoever the financial Do you even have your financial power of attorney and your health care power of attorney in place? And the kids or whomever is going to be named as those power of attorneys, they need to actually be in-serviced and trained. So if you're the financial power of attorney...
00:30:33
Speaker
you You do need to know who the financial planner is. You do need to know who the accountant is. You do need to have a copy of those documents. You do need to know what bank accounts are are out there and which bills come out of which account. Because I promise you, if you don't know any of this stuff and then you lose your parent loses capacity and you're the financial power of attorney,
00:30:54
Speaker
You will have to spend days or weeks or sometimes months trying to figure this out. And it's it's it's a preventable stress, right? If we just planned ahead from the get-go, it's preventable stress.
00:31:09
Speaker
You've mentioned a few things like power attorney. And i think in your case, you said living will. And you talked about knowing either what the passwords were or where the bank accounts were or whatever else. So what typically goes into an aging plan?
00:31:28
Speaker
Yeah, so an aging plan is is actually robust. It's a term i I coined many, many years ago when I started my company. But i I built an aging plan business off of my years of working as an employee and seeing that families never had family meetings. So what's what's included in an aging plan is my team or i facilitate the family meetings and
00:31:55
Speaker
85% of my week is spent doing family mediation because by the time families come to us, they are not getting along. They're burned out. They're overwhelmed. They're kind of angry and resentful because they're like, look, mom and dad's needs have derailed my life or my career or my health or my marriage.
Annalie's Business and Aging Plans
00:32:13
Speaker
And so so when we talk about an aging plan, it's opening the doors of communication and giving mom and dad, if they're able, say. you know What are your goals? Like I said, their goals are always age in place at home and not be a burden on their kids, but it's always the adult kids calling us.
00:32:31
Speaker
So when we talk about an aging plan, you know, what do you have for finances? you know, so that we can build out a plan that actually makes sense. If you say you want to age in place at home, that's great. We educate you. Everything that we do is to educate families so they can make informed decisions. Everybody wants to age in place at home until they get those, until they realize one caregiver, one one companion from like a home care company 24-7, because when you when you say you want to age in place at home, you have to fast forward in your head to the time where you're not taking yourself to the bathroom, you're not shopping, and you're not driving, you're not you're not able to get out of bed.
00:33:12
Speaker
That 24-7 care is a minimum of $30,000 per month. And so, you know, if you if you and your mom are, you know, you're both trying to age in place at home and you both need care, That can be $60,000 to $70,000 a month easily in two caregivers coming for 24-7 care. So once families see the numbers on this, they're like, oh, well, we only have $600,000. How are we? so So and then, you know, what's the plan if the caregiver doesn't show up for their shift?
00:33:46
Speaker
Or what's the plan if mom only likes one of the caregivers and they need six caregivers to be able to stay at home twenty four seven Or you, daughter, Sally, put caregivers in place and mom fires them every time. And then you're like, mom, you're working against me here. And so so everything that we do with these family meetings is to educate families because they don't otherwise they don't know what they don't know. So we also look at, OK, mom and dad, if you want to age in place at home, we do what's called a care matrix. So we outline the different home care companies.
00:34:17
Speaker
Not all of them are actually taking on new patients because we have a massive shortage of health care workers. So again, it's educating families. But we also look at, okay, well... What's the plan if you can't stay at home, you can't afford to stay at home? We need to look at care communities. Care communities can have waiting lists.
00:34:36
Speaker
Many of them get cited for abuse and neglect. So how comfortable are you just being willy-nilly and like, oh, well, let's just move mom into this one because it's close by and it's pretty. Okay, well, how how do they rank with the state for the care delivery, the quality of care delivery? What are you going to do if where your parents live is a rural area and all the places are full, all the facilities are full, or they just don't have enough home care workers. So again, those are all different scenarios that we take families through and then we build out a plan. And we also provide them with resources like technology solutions that they wouldn't have thought of.
00:35:15
Speaker
um What are the home care companies? um what's a value What's the value of like a geriatric care manager to come out and set up medications and coordinate doctor's appointments? All the things that sons and daughters or the healthy spouse are doing that I say, what do you want to take off your caregiver plate that we can outsource to someone else so that you can feel more like the son or the daughter or the spouse?
00:35:41
Speaker
And then we also, again... say, okay, well, we need to get home care started or we need to talk about what is going to be your aging and plays at home care budget so that you don't break the bank and then not be able to financially qualify to get into a care of community.
00:35:56
Speaker
But we also work with them on getting that grab-and-go binder done um so that all their documents are in order. If you have a business, what's the business succession plan? If you have a pet, what's that pet emergency plan?
00:36:10
Speaker
um So it's it's getting your life in order so that when things change, Everybody knows what the plan is going to be. Yep, mom and dad are going to stay home. We've we've agreed we're going to stay home until a million dollars is spent. And we're all, in the meantime, we're going to be on the waiting lists of three or four different care communities. Or, you know, what are the safety triggers of staying at home? Well, if mom loses 10 more pounds or dad has three more falls or, you know, those are things that we talk about in those family meetings. So it's a robust, it's a robust aging plan process.
00:36:46
Speaker
you know, a few minutes ago, it it was sort of sounding to me like something occurs and mom needs to get care right now or dad needs to go into a care facility or whatever.
00:36:58
Speaker
ah So, so help me understand what it looks like if all of a sudden we're having to put care in place or put dad into ah some sort of care facility and we have no plan.
00:37:13
Speaker
That's total chaos. That's why it's now crisis. And those those are oftentimes the families that were like, Annalee, we don't need to put a plan in place yet because mom and dad are doing OK. Well, they are until they aren't. And so then this is what happens. This is exactly what happens. And so it's total chaos because now, you know, I don't know any adult child.
00:37:32
Speaker
like any adult kid who's just like sitting around on their thumbs, waiting for the phone to ring for something to do. Right. Like everybody's very busy. They don't usually live right next to where their parents live. So there's usually flights involved and time zone differences involved and spouses who are like, look, I love your parents, but you got to figure something out. Right. And so, so when, when families wait until there's a crisis That stroke, that fall, dad wanders away from the house and he's missing for three days in the winter. um Those are crises, right?
00:38:06
Speaker
And so what it looks like is, like, I'm not kidding, total chaos, because if there's a hospital involved, they'll say, here's a list of facilities, go find one by noon tomorrow.
00:38:17
Speaker
And the kids are blindsided because they're like, oh, I thought mom could stay there longer. and again, they didn't know what questions to ask or what to look for during the tours. And they didn't have any notion of what their parents had in order. And so kids are spending, like I said, hours and hours and hours or weeks or months just trying to get the paperwork stuff organized and squared away, like the long-term care insurance policy, if there even is one.
00:38:45
Speaker
What does it cover? What's it pay? What's the elimination period? And then you also have to figure out, or the kids that have to figure out, what are where are their parents going to go for care? When they don't work with an actual professional and they're trying to do this on their own, or they work with consultants who get kickbacks from facilities,
00:39:05
Speaker
then they're only going to get placed wherever they get the kickback from, right? Wherever that company is going to get the kickback from. And so it's total chaos that could be prevented if we plan ahead and say, okay, we know that mom is going to fall because she's got Parkinson's disease, or we know dad's dementia is going to get worse because he has dementia.
00:39:24
Speaker
We're going to use home care companies. And then when he's not safe at home anymore, he's going to move into the one of these three or four different memory care units. So having that plan,
00:39:35
Speaker
The other problem is when families wait until they're in crisis mode, it gets very expensive very quickly. Because when they find out that they can't they can't find the living with or they they can't find the estate documents, like the power of attorney, and then they end up having to pay like $20,000, $25,000 for emergency guardianship and conservatorship paperwork or you know go through court to get decision-making ability, that's expensive. Right.
00:40:04
Speaker
You know, and so they make very expensive mistakes because they didn't plan ahead. Wow. Yeah. But just even so. So just a frame of reference when when because we offer a 30 minute free consult over Zoom. And so to get on my calendar, they they need to fill out this form, like basically what's going on with with you or your family, what's prompting this call.
Costs and Toll of Caregiving
00:40:28
Speaker
And so I know that my typical son or daughter, someone in that family is spending $15,000 in just airfare. mean, every time they get that crisis call that mom fell again and she's the caregiver to dad with dementia, airfare isn't $69 on Frontier, right? It's hundreds of dollars or $1,200. And then everybody knows the hassle of flying because flights are delayed, weather doesn't cooperate, flights You know, flights are canceled. It's it's a it's total chaos.
00:41:00
Speaker
And i know that because they have to fill out this form that my typical primary caregiver, whether it's the spouse or the adult child, is spending a minimum aum of 25 to hours a week.
00:41:13
Speaker
in either providing hands-on care, care oversight, you know calling the doctor, calling the insurance company, sending meals, ordering that wheelchair on Amazon to have it sent, or just in plain angst and worry, they're spending at least 25 to 30 hours a week in that capacity, actually doing doing caregiving or worrying about their parents. So there's a cost to that, right?
00:41:42
Speaker
That's a big cost. And the emotional angst, that's again why that's again why I wrote my book, so that families don't feel like they're in this journey by themselves. And to give them, what is it, hundred and some pages of tips and tricks and bullet point outlines. you You listen to it, but if you buy the book, it's all bullet point outlines and scripts of how to start these conversations. And then ultimately know that, you know, I'm just here to help you with if or when you get stuck.
00:42:10
Speaker
Right. Yeah, so you mentioning the book, the name of the book, The Invisible Patient. Who is the invisible patient then? The primary caregiver.
00:42:23
Speaker
And here's here's the thing, you know, it's so it's called The Invisible Patient, the emotional, financial, and physical toll on family caregivers because it's always the it's always the caregivers who are reaching out to me because they're worried about their spouse or they're worried about their parents.
00:42:40
Speaker
And they're like, we just don't know what to do with them. But here's the thing is when you become a caregiver and usually you get thrust into it because, again, no one planned on having a stroke or no one planned on going to the doctor thinking they had a stomach ache and here they have, a so you know, stomach cancer.
00:42:56
Speaker
and so their whole life just changed. And so, you know, it's it's all about just being prepared, having conversations with your families about the what-whens of life um But also knowing that you're not alone.
00:43:10
Speaker
What tends to happen is, because obviously I'm a caregiver to my aging parents as well. My mom has passed away now, but you know my dad is 88. And um what happens is when you get thrust into caregiving,
00:43:27
Speaker
Everybody's like always like, well, hey, how's your dad or how's your mom? and And no one's asking like you, the caregiver, like, how are you holding up? What can I do to make your life easier? You know, and no matter no matter how much we do, well a lot of us tend to, we'll bend over backwards to make sure that our loved one has whatever it is that they have or whatever it is that they need. But it's always at our expense, whether it's emotional burnout,
00:43:53
Speaker
anger, resentment, like, oh, I was supposed to go on vacation, but mom fell again. And I'm the responsible one of the, of the family. So I'm the one that has to like cancel my vacation because my siblings won't help out or whatever the scenario is. Right.
00:44:09
Speaker
And so everybody's always asking how, how the care recipient is instead of the caregiver. And that's why I call the caregiver, the emotion, the and invisible patient.
00:44:20
Speaker
And why it's important for self-care. and no matter what you're doing for your loved one, you just never feel like it's enough. And so you feel guilty, but you also feel a bit of resentment and anger because you're like, i didn't sign up for this or I didn't take retirement, you know, to take care of mom and dad. I took retirement to travel or whatever the scenario is. And you get thrust into caregiving and then you kind of put your life and your health and your finances on hold for things that you wanted to do.
00:44:50
Speaker
forget if it was in your book or if I encountered it somewhere else, but I, so please do tell me if it was in your book or, you know, even just your take on this, if not, but I recall him encountering somewhere that someone said,
00:45:07
Speaker
Broadly, if you are a caregiver, a family caregiver, unpaid caregiver, something of that nature, and you are having stress-related issues, you are having some sort of health issue, whatever it is and you need to talk to someone, you need medical care, you need whatever it is,
00:45:33
Speaker
that in just about every circumstance, you getting in care is dependent upon your loved one getting care. That's exactly right. guess, makes sense, I suppose, but also makes me think if it was my wife taking care of one of our parents or me, you know, whatever it is, that I've been around this enough, I know how lonely people can get.
00:46:04
Speaker
I know how if you have someone that has Alzheimer's, for example, Very often at some stage, you are busy for the entirety of your waking day, which is often longer than it would naturally be because you're awake as soon as that person's awake.
00:46:22
Speaker
And you typically can't even go to the bathroom alone because maybe that person gets worried. And so you have to now you're an adult and you have to leave the door open. And then they have, is it is is the term sundowners?
00:46:36
Speaker
Sundowners. Yeah. Right. And so they start to have anxiety or anger or whatever else all these things. And so I know how stressful it can be and any number of other things. And to not be able to, you know, just get some relief. Like I, I would like to be able to take a shower.
00:46:58
Speaker
I would like to be able to just have it a down afternoon you Unfortunate is it is it a light way to put it. Right. Well, and that's that's where we talk about self neglect, you know, or neglect of ourselves as a caregiver, because or or if or if, you know, 80 year old mom is taking care of 85 year old dad who has dementia, I can promise you she's not getting to her doctor's appointments because, you know, she's also in her she's up. She's also in her you know senior years. has her own arthritis and health issues.
00:47:33
Speaker
And if she can't leave dad home alone safely, you you bet your bottom dollar she's not going anywhere. Or she's bringing him with her to a doctor's appointment, but he's wandering all over the place and she can't even focus on her own appointment. Or say she, you know, we talked about the physical toll of of caregiving.
00:47:52
Speaker
What if she's trying to bathe your dad and, you know, you're slippery in the shower and so they both fall down? And now she's got a torn rotator cuff and she can't have surgery or she doesn't feel like she can have surgery because she's like, well, who's going to take care of my husband for the four or five months that it's going to take for me to recover from rotator surgery? So we know that the primary caregiver tends to neglect their own needs. They don't often schedule their own doctor's appointments. Guess what they do when they when they're so almost deathly sick?
00:48:27
Speaker
They just go to urgent care because they can't schedule a doctor's appointment. But they also don't get the medical care they need because if their husband has dementia or their spouse has dementia, They can't leave them home alone.
00:48:40
Speaker
Right. And so when I ask moms and dads who are the caregivers, what keeps you up at night? It is always the same thing. Who is going to take care of my husband or my spouse when something happens to me?
00:48:55
Speaker
If you're the adult child, you know, it's the same thing. If you're when you get in the throes of caregiving, like like I'll just speak from my own experience. My mom had mild cognitive impairment, um its which is a dementing illness.
00:49:10
Speaker
My mom was five two My dad is six four My mom fell. She broke her shoulder here at my house. And um the night that she was being discharged to a skilled rehab unit, my dad was also in the in the u in the room with us because we were getting her situated.
00:49:29
Speaker
And he became unresponsive. He was having a stroke, right? And so here I am, just me, is me. And I've got mom in a rehab unit. She's never, obviously never been there before. and with, with dementia, when they're bounced around from hospital to, you know, rehab units and all the changes in their environment, they're even more confused and more agitated and just really off kilter.
00:49:55
Speaker
but so there I am with my mom trying to get her settled in to the rehab unit. I look over, my dad is unresponsive. He was having a stroke. So long story short, Between both of them, they had 17 doctor's appointments each because then my dad needed a kidney doctor. Like all of these doctors needed to kind of come out of the woodwork.
00:50:18
Speaker
And they were just down here in Florida to visit. So it's not like they were established with physicians, right? oh So when you get thrust into that, you know, ah and they're time sensitive. My mom needed an ortho, you know, she needed an ortho doctor. Like, Her appointment had to be within two weeks and then another two weeks later and two weeks later just because they wanted to monitor the the the recovery of her shoulder. But she also had a catheter, so we needed to have a you know the urologist, and that that's also time-sensitive because they had to change it change out the catheter. so So when kids get thrust into this, It becomes all you can do. It's a full-time job. So you end up stepping away from your business like me if you're a business owner. um Thank God I have a fantastic team because they they held the fort down for me for many months and so that I could take care of my parents' needs. But, you know, it's that caregiver snowball that
00:51:12
Speaker
You know, you you think you can manage it and um it just it it just gets harder and harder because it becomes more and more time consuming, energy consuming. and then pretty soon your your personal relationships with your partner or your spouse become difficult.
00:51:30
Speaker
You've got to get your business or your career back on track, depending on how long you had to step away. um you know, and a lot of the adult caregivers that I talk to as well, the sons and daughters, they haven't been able to take a vacation. I've had daughters who are like, hey, I haven't been able to get to the salon to color my hair. you know, life just stops for them because there's only so much time and energy in the day, right? So that's why on the book cover, it's ah it's a bench because it's a lonely It can be a very lonely journey if you're not properly supported at home and in your social life.
00:52:05
Speaker
And it can also be a very um expensive journey, ah the financial toll, because ah there is an absolute impact on your career or your business when you get when you become a family caregiver to a spouse or an aging parent.
00:52:21
Speaker
When we say aging in place, in just about all circumstances, that means the person staying in their own home rather than, you know, mom or dad moving to my home, correct?
00:52:34
Speaker
That means staying at home until until until they pass away. I realize that there are a lot of situational specifics that will determine whether this is a hard yes or no or whatever. But it seems to me it like you need to have some kind of planning.
00:52:54
Speaker
And it it sounds like have knowing in advance that you're going to have the right amount of funds it those things are crucial for being able to age in place up until some time imagine because so if you have a long illness then it becomes more and more expensive I forget what the stats are but You know, they say there are statements like the last week of life costs $100,000 or whatever these numbers are, right?
00:53:22
Speaker
And I forget the statistics, but it's like, you know, 50 years ago or something, the number of adults that said that or number of seniors or whatever that said that they wanted to age in place was 20% or something along these lines. It's low though.
00:53:40
Speaker
And now it's something like 80%. And to be, i don't even need to be really in the right ballpark per se, as much as for us to, I think we can accept directionally, you know, that things have shifted like this.
00:53:54
Speaker
And so where I'm going is, it seems to me like i if mom or dad wants to age in place, we have to have a plan. We have to know that it's, it's financially feasible because, you know, ah so I live in the St. Louis area. My parents live north of Seattle.
00:54:16
Speaker
My mother-in-law lives in Phoenix, you know, for us to have to get there on the top of the hat is going to be difficult for us.
00:54:27
Speaker
And so then, but even getting into a care facility is I know, and you've said this more or less that there are waiting lists.
00:54:40
Speaker
And so the, you know, we, we may not even have the choices that we want if we don't just have a plan, but also I guess there's a bit of, we have to, we have to be prepared as well as we can be for whenever something occurs, whether it's being hit by a bus or, you know, having a stroke when you're 80.
00:55:07
Speaker
That's right. Because here's here's what people here's what people don't think about. that And that's why we cover all of these all of these things in an aging plan. There's about 25 different components to an aging plan, right? I just kind of put them in different buckets, though, because otherwise it gets kind of hard to keep up with. Like, holy cow, this is... I just know that with an aging plan, it's robust because it covers all the what-whens and what if mom needs one level of care and dad needs another level of care. So let's just take...
00:55:37
Speaker
Let's just take senior care as an example. Most families, these are the mistakes I see families make and always have and probably always will, um is because they don't know what they don't know, they make very expensive and usually very dangerous mistakes.
00:55:53
Speaker
And so things like, um well, you know, we didn't, you know, we we found ourselves in crisis. So we just put mom in this assisted living because they had an open bed. Because that's where they are. That's where parents live.
00:56:07
Speaker
end up, when they don't have a plan, they end up in whatever facility has an open bed. And so they're like, okay, well, now mom isn't being treated very well, or she hasn't had a bath in five weeks, or they forget about her at mealtime, They didn't call us when she fell those three times and she's got a broken arm and no one knows how, you know, so so they don't know what questions to ask, what to look for or what they'll say or what happens is because they move mom into like just a standalone assisted living.
00:56:39
Speaker
Well, now she's got dementia, her dementia progressed and they can't take care of her in assisted living. She needs now a memory care unit. Well, what if there's not a memory care unit in the area or the memory care unit has 30 people on it on the waiting list?
00:56:57
Speaker
You know, because this is what this is in the real world. So hopefully the listeners are like waking up a bit and be like, holy smokes, there's just a lot we don't know. And so kids will put their because they don't know they don't know. They'll put their parent in like a standalone facility. And then when the parent runs out of money,
00:57:14
Speaker
And they chose they had chosen, you know, a private pay only facility. Well, if it's private pay only, when you run out of money, you can't stay there. you You've got to move out.
00:57:24
Speaker
Well, so what's that look like? Trying to find an open bed and a decent Medicaid facility in your area is going to be very tricky. What if you had two aging parents and they need two different levels of care? And because you didn't have a plan in place, now you got dad in facility A and mom in facility B. And the only time they're going to be able to see each other is if you take more time off work to drive across town to pick dad up.
00:57:51
Speaker
take the hour-long trip to go back to the facility so they can spend time together. you've got to bring dad all the way back to him. You know, you can see how how complicated that can be because they didn't put a plan in place.
00:58:03
Speaker
Other mistakes is obviously not having their documents in order and then having to spend copious amounts of time and energy trying to sort all that out. But also not really, you know, not understanding the landscape of where their parents live. So for example,
00:58:20
Speaker
Not bashing any locations. It's just that it's the real world. You know, if you live in northern Wisconsin, there's not 16 different care communities around in the area. You know, so what if your parent lives in rural Montana or rural Maine, where there's three care facilities at a two hour radius of where your parents live?
00:58:44
Speaker
But you live in Arizona. so how are you going to juggle this back and forth? And you you're up for this really great job promotion, but you you decline it because you're like, I've got aging parents that I need to tend to.
00:58:59
Speaker
Instead of having an actual aging plan, you you can actually get your life back on track when you have an aging plan. Or like most families who have blended families, you Maybe you and your spouse, you've got you know four different parents because of blended families, and they live all over the place. And you live in St. Louis. Maybe there's not a direct flight to Pennsylvania or wherever that you would have to go. And what are you going to do for child care?
00:59:23
Speaker
Or what if you have a special needs child or your own spouse is sick and you're the caregiver to them? And now now you need to be pulled in all these different directions. And that's why i spend 85% of my week in family mediation. Because we're human. We we aren't meant to be pulled in 18 different directions nonstop. Right? Because most adult kids are like, Anna Lee, I love my parents. Yeah.
00:59:51
Speaker
But I feel guilty for thinking this, but God, how much longer is this going to last? You know, it's going to last until they pass away. And so that can be a long time. And so how do you want to remember the last few years of your spouse or the last few years of your aging parents' life? Angry, resentful, bitter, angry.
01:00:12
Speaker
Or be like, you know what, I've done a good job and now we can we can let this plan take hold and we can make sure that we have the right professionals taking care of mom and dad and making sure that mom and dad are safe and happy and have the best quality of life and the best quality of care. Because we're not superhuman. We can only do so much. And we know that the bulk of senior care is provided by their own families.
01:00:38
Speaker
until they get so utterly burned out that they just can't do it anymore. And then that's when your temper flares and your patience and tolerance becomes like tiny. and then and then then as ah as a kid or a caregiver, you feel like a heel for like snapping back. And it's just because you're stressed out. So a lot of mistakes that ah that caregivers make is not putting a plan in place, not understanding the disease that their loved one has, but not making sure that they have enough space for themselves and their own families and their own life so that they don't end up feeling so overwhelmed and angry and bitter.
01:01:17
Speaker
yeah that's That's a lot of dark energy to carry around, and it's it's not healthy. Yeah. What is it that keeps otherwise, you know, intelligent people, you know, capable people, as many of us are, from having these conversations or from putting some level of planning in place?
Denial and Planning for Elder Care
01:01:41
Speaker
denial. i do. I boil it down to a lot of denial. um You know, mom and mom and dad are doing better than, than you know, they they think that their parents are doing better than they really are. And so I always can tell holiday time when kids start visiting their parents if they're If their parents have been kind of on like ah good even keel, but so then parent, you know, then the adult kids come see them, you know, during holidays. And then my phone rings off the hook. They're like, Anna Lee, you know, dad didn't recognize me or he didn't recognize his grandkids or mom lost 20 pounds or she looks terrible or the house smelled like a nursing home. And it's so much different. you know they're blindsided by how poorly their parents are doing.
01:02:24
Speaker
And so they're like, well, when we call mom and dad once a month for our 10 or 15 minute phone call, they sound fine. Well, of course they sound fine over the phone. And so so that's just that's something to think about. you know i don't know when this is going to air, but anytime you go visit your parents, just eyeball them. how are How are they? How is the house? Is the car in one piece or is there a bunch of dents in it or what are they actually eating?
01:02:51
Speaker
are they taking the right types of medication? um So those are just those are things to those are things to think about. But, you know, realizing realizing that your parents probably are not doing as well as you would like to think that they are. Number two, avoiding the red flags again falls kind of under denial. Weight loss, memory impairment, forgetfulness, missing doctor's appointments.
01:03:16
Speaker
Falls, urinary tract infections, the frequency of urgent care or hospitalizations. There's all these red flags that your parents aren't doing very well and they need to have more support in place.
01:03:30
Speaker
But also another mistake I see with caregivers is we ignore our own body. Our own body communication. You know, the anxiety attacks start. The insomnia.
01:03:42
Speaker
As soon as your head hits the pillow and you're like, oh my gosh, is mom okay? She didn't return my call. did she Did she fall? You know, that anxiety just kind of starts taking hold. Weight gain or weight loss because you either eat or starve your feelings.
01:03:58
Speaker
um And then relationship issues, you know, when your spouse is like, look, you're you're not even present in our relationship anymore, um yeah you know, or you're missing your own adult kids, your your own kids birthday parties or vacations that those are those are issues.
01:04:15
Speaker
And also physically, you know, heart palpitations. your Your body tells you when you're stressing out, and I promise you if you don't listen to it, your body will always win because it'll have that heart attack. It'll have that stroke, atrial fib. it'll Your body will eventually wear out if you don't listen to those early warning signs.
01:04:39
Speaker
You reminded me of a quote, and I wish I could forget, sorry, I wish that I could remember, not forget who said this, but I've worked a fair amount with futurists, and there is a futurist who is this quote is often attributed to, again, I forget the name, but it's It's something like it's better to be surprised by a simulation than blindsided by reality.
01:05:06
Speaker
Yeah. And you talking about that brought, and sorry, you talking about you sort of in different words, but sort of saying, wouldn't you rather talk about what might happen or what we might do than to just have it, I think you used the word earlier, thrust upon you?
01:05:28
Speaker
Exactly. and then And then this is for your women listeners. And also, you know what, and also for the men who are who are with women is, yeah you know, usually, typically, it's any time above age 40 or 45 is kind of when, you know, depending on how old your parents are and how healthy they are, that you're in that risk category of getting thrust into caregiving kind of probably in your 40s and for sure in your 50s, because by then your parents are probably 80 or 90 or in their 70s and starting to need care, right?
01:06:02
Speaker
And so for the women out there, we're going to talk about perimenopause because that alone is a very... tricky time in your life because your body is changing, your hormones are changing, your sleep pattern is changing, everything is changing. And when you get thrust into caregiving, it's perimenopause alone is ah is a hard thing to or can be a hard thing to kind of navigate through. but and then caregiving is a hard thing to navigate through. and then what if you're in a relationship or your home life isn't very supportive?
01:06:39
Speaker
of any of this. And so so when you think about being a woman who's maybe in perimenopause, who's trying to also manage the care of aging parents, and maybe they are just getting footing with their career again because maybe they took some time off to, you know, raise children and stuff. So you can see how the emotional and physical and financial toll on the family caregiver, especially if it's a female who's kind of in that stage of their life, can be very difficult to navigate. And that's where we see that caregiver snowball of anger, resentment, but mom and dad are burdening, are a burden, but then you feel guilty for feeling that way.
01:07:20
Speaker
you know So that's that's again why we look at you know what what do we need to take off your caregiver plate What resources do we need to put in place to make your life back back to where it was so that you're comfortable? Or solo agers who don't have adult kids. You you don't have anybody maybe that you can just call when you get into a jam. so what's your plan as you age? And when you need care, who's gonna who's going to provide it? Where are you going to live when you get it?
01:07:47
Speaker
When you need care? And what documents you know do you have in order? And what are the gaps in your own plan? So we've got all these kind of cohorts that of families, right? Families that maybe are an only child and they're like, oh, all of this is going to fall on my shoulders and you are correct. So let's so let's like make informed decisions now.
01:08:06
Speaker
If you have a family of eight kids, that's great. But that's also going to be eight different opinions, probably, of what an aging plan looks like. If you're a solo ager, you may not have anybody. you know Your friends might be starting to have dementia or ill. And so who are you going to who is going to be your advocate as you age when you don't have anybody else? So these are all all things all points to ponder, I guess. And that's why we solve for that with it with an aging plan and making sure enough supports are in
Resources and Book Insights
01:08:38
Speaker
place.
01:08:38
Speaker
In your book, and as we said, I listened to the audio book, but one, i really liked your book. I thought that you arranged it, I guess you might say, be in such a way where you were able to intersperse a few stories. You know, you talk about your own injury and you have, not vignettes exactly, but you reference, you know, certain types of situations with some of your clients or whatever.
01:09:06
Speaker
And then you're able to still get to some of the frameworks and, you know, bullet by bullet, you're going to want to plan these things and so on. So ah liked the book.
01:09:17
Speaker
That's a resource. You mentioned that people can get sort of a i think it was an assessment or something of that nature, you know, 30 minutes with you. and I feel like I've encountered other resources, but I think there are a lot more questions that I would like to ask you. And so for me to be able to inform myself, where should I go or what should i look at to follow, learn more or connect with you? And then after that, is there anything we didn't talk about that you would want me to be thinking about or any final words of wisdom you would leave me with?
01:09:57
Speaker
Yeah. So, so how you can connect with me or do due diligence if you're like, Hey, you know what? Everything she, cause usually the responses I get is like, wow, it seems like she was talking to just me. Like I, she knows exactly what I'm going through. Right. Cause, cause this, you know, it's, this is what I do for a living. And this is, this is, but everybody comes to us with a variation of the same predicament. They love their, their care recipient. They just don't know what to do with them long-term. That's why I wrote the book. So you can find me at my website, carerightinc.com. There's actually ah a webinar, obviously a free webinar on my on the homepage that talks more about you know family caregiving and aging planning and dementia caregiving. So you can go on carerightinc.com. You can actually click and you can schedule a consult with me if you
01:10:49
Speaker
want to do that. um You can also find me on LinkedIn for those that are um the professionals who are like, hey, I'm working with clients who need this, you know, like financial planners or attorneys. You can find me on LinkedIn at Anna Lee Kruger.
01:11:05
Speaker
And yes, that's like Freddie. For those that are old enough to know. So yes, Annalee Kruger, you can find me on LinkedIn and connect to with me there as well.
01:11:17
Speaker
Just, you know, we talked about a lot of different stuff and I'm sure a lot of the listeners, if they've listened to the whole thing, you're like, oh my God, this sounds so intimidating and so scary. But just know that you don't have to go through this alone. Start with just reaching out. Let's let's get you on the phone or let's get you on Zoom and just, you know What is your current situation? And then I can share about how I can help you and what that what that's going to look like from a cost perspective.
01:11:43
Speaker
But, you know, the the key takeaways, make sure you're taking care of yourself, listening to your body. and your emotions if you're a caregiver. Know that you're not in this caregiving journey by yourself.
01:11:56
Speaker
If you're a caregiver, know that you are doing everything that you can. There's there's nothing left to do. you yeah you You are doing a great job. If you're the aging parents and you're listening to this, reach out so that so that you don't become one of those statistics of crisis where you've had a medical event and now your kids are thrust into like, what do we do with you now? if you're so if you're the aging parents listening to this podcast, reach out through carerightinc.com so that we can talk about what conversations have you had with your kids and where might you be stuck so that you can take more of an initiative role and in an aging plan instead of
01:12:42
Speaker
leaving everything for your kids to try to figure out. Well, I think you make a very compelling case because i can confirm that the some of the things that you talk about feel very applicable.
01:13:00
Speaker
I mean, you know, fortunately, my parents are in good health, but, you know, I'm in my early 40s, which means, you know, My parents are getting up there and i have seen other people in our lives, whether family members or neighbors or whatever, who have gone through this. And I have a friend that started a business around taking care of caregivers. And so i hope that anybody that hears this does anything.
01:13:33
Speaker
find the time to at least look into this. and And, you know, if they don't reach out, like I said, I did really feel a like your your book was very well done. it was, you know, very compelling. So thank you for joining me, Annalie. Thank you for writing it. And I hope that we will, of course, talk again soon.
01:13:51
Speaker
Thank you so much. I appreciate your time today. Thank you.