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EGO Death - Experiencing The Dark Knight Of The Soul
387 Plays2 years ago
In this episode Eric speaks on his experience of grieving his old identity and detaching the EGO to become one with his REAL self.
Topics:
- Ego Death
- Accepting and Loving true self
- Survival Mechanisms
- Perfectionism & People Pleasing
- Neglecting One Self
- Fear of being fully SEEN
A MUST watch and listen because the Dark Knight of The Soul is a real internal journey of spiritual chaos.
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Transcript
Introduction & Reflection
00:00:03
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Bigger talks, bigger talks.
00:00:05
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We're back once again.
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It's June.
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June 2nd, that is.
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2023.
00:00:14
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Six months.
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Six months has blown by.
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In the year 2023, it's been a very different, up, down, challenging season.
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Spiritual evolution
Solo Episode: Healing & Ego Death
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year.
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So in this episode, it's going to be me, myself, and I. I'm going solo.
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And I want to talk about my healing experience these past few months and what it's been like.
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And I like to coin the term ego death, right?
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I've been...
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Killing off my old ego, the old self, grieving the pain and loss of the old self.
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00:02:14
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But let's get right into it,
Journey of Ego Death & Identity
00:02:16
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good people.
00:02:16
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So
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Yeah, so I wanted to talk about the ego death.
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I've been in this phase probably like since the start of 2023.
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I was trying to understand like, who am I?
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What am I?
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What's going on?
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What's new in my life?
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What's changing?
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What's staying the same?
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And it's been very psychological.
00:02:36
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You know, it's been very internal, emotional, mental, and more importantly, spiritual.
00:02:41
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I am also, because you guys know I'm big into numerology, I'm big into numerology, and this is my personal year one.
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So in personal year one, this is a fresh start, a brand new start to the next nine years of my life, first year in a nine-year cycle.
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So year one.
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you just feel new.
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I feel like a new person, a new identity, a new, I just feel new.
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It's like all the stuff I've done in the past, from all the TV shows to the books I've written, to the relationships I've built, to the brand deals and opportunity and commercials, all great.
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And I appreciate them.
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I'm so grateful for those opportunities and experiences.
00:03:23
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But that ego, that old self is dying off.
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And it's like, I'm no longer attached to that identity of that person.
Impact of Past Traumas
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because I'm having an ego death.
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And to be quite honest and transparent and authentic, I created a character in those nine years, right?
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Because that's how I survived up until now.
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Like, you know,
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part of who I was and part of that person or most of that person was me putting on a mask, right?
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Covering up my pain, you know, behind my success, covering up my pain based on how I look, right?
00:03:59
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And at the time, I didn't know I was doing that, but I was never being my fully transparent self because I was under an impression since a child because of trauma that
00:04:12
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I only would get love if I was doing something for someone or if I was making someone else happy.
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And that wound was created from abandonment wound, you know, abandonment from my mom, abandonment from my family members, not getting the love or the attention.
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I wanted or needed as a kid, you know, so I always felt that the only way Eric would be love, the little boy in me, I have to be successful.
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I have to accomplish things.
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I have to be great.
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I have to be a perfectionist.
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I have to look good.
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I have to present myself positive all the time.
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I have to be super happy and super courageous and
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strong and confident.
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So in those years, I never felt anything.
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I never felt shit.
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Like I didn't feel my feelings.
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I just kind of suppressed them and kept going.
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So with the positivity, motivation, and so on, and granted, all those things was great.
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And they all worked because that was my survival mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt.
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Right.
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But, you know, now on the other side of that,
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I can no longer live that purpose.
00:05:09
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That purpose of that person is gone.
00:05:11
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That soul is done.
00:05:12
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It's
Shadow Self & Identity
00:05:13
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tired.
00:05:13
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It's time for a new creation where my complete self, complete self is at the surface, right?
00:05:20
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Where, you know, my shadow self, which I suppressed for so long is just with the light self, right?
00:05:26
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There's a quote that says, the light
00:05:31
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hides the truth, but the dark reveals the truth.
00:05:34
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So I'm at this space where I'm trying to build and have rapport and intimacy with my shadow self, all the stuff I'm afraid of, all the pain, all the darkness, all the stuff, you know, I suppress and avoid it because like, oh, it's like, no, that's a part of who you are.
00:05:50
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You're from Baltimore, Maryland.
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You grew up in an inner city where it was tough and mom and dad was
Past Life Influences & Personal Growth
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never together.
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You don't come from a functional family and it's a miracle season.
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And this is who you are.
00:06:03
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But there's a lot of pain in this person.
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There's a lot of shame and guilt.
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A lot of it is also from my past life.
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In my past life, I was told that for one, I was a warrior, a spiritual warrior, which I am in this lifetime as well, but I was a healer of some sort.
00:06:23
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So
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whatever that was, I think it was a doctor healer or something.
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I think I was a doctor and whatever the decisions were, whatever the opportunity was, it was life or death.
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So I could never say no to someone because it was life or death.
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So I always felt in this lifetime, people always needed me.
00:06:43
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And if not something bad would happen, that was my, that was my psyche.
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So I never knew how to say yes to myself.
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without saying yes to someone else first.
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So I always put myself last to sacrifice and be the martyr.
00:06:54
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I mean, the power Pisces as well, we kind of have that to take care of someone else, to try to save someone else, to neglect myself, right?
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So it was like, it was all we, I, it wasn't I, we all.
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So I put the all, the we before me.
00:07:11
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but you suffer because you're not being your real self because it's people pleasing.
00:07:15
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It's afraid of someone leaving you, afraid that if you be your true authentic self that people might not like you or might not love you.
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So it's deep.
00:07:26
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It's...
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It's a lot.
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And I've been dealing with that since the start of 2023 and probably the last month, like May.
00:07:36
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Oh, it was tough.
00:07:37
Speaker
I'm actually in the phase they call the dark night of the soul.
00:07:43
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And when I tell you this thing is intense and nothing makes sense, you're questioning everything.
00:07:48
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You're like, where am I at?
00:07:50
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What's going on?
00:07:51
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What does life look like?
00:07:52
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You know, you're always looking into the future.
00:07:54
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And I realize in these moments, um,
00:07:58
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I've never been present my entire life.
00:08:00
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I just always been what's next, what's next.
00:08:04
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So when I talked to my therapist and healer, they would say, why don't you go have fun?
00:08:08
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Or I'm getting that you need the rest.
00:08:10
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Like your soul is tired or you're always giving, you're always doing, but you're not being, you're not being, and you need to go have fun.
00:08:18
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And I was like, yeah, but I can feel like I never can have fun.
00:08:21
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Cause since a child, I feel like if I would have fun, something bad would happen.
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And again,
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You know, my healer was telling me that in a past life, if I had fun, something bad happened.
00:08:32
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So in this lifetime, I come with that energy and that's why I can't be present because, but we kind of rebroke that contract and forgave and removed that wound, whatever that was.
Lost Child Archetype
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I want to talk about something that I discovered on, her name is, she's powerful on Instagram.
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uh nicole let's see nicole i'm looking her up now what's her name holistic psychologist that's her name on instagram nicole la pair dr nicole appearance so she had a post that i say i want to read it to you um let me read it to you one second thank you for your patience because you're listening
00:09:22
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So here it goes.
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And just for context, this is me as a child, this is me my entire life grown up.
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You were easy and quiet.
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People told you that you took care of yourself.
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What it's like to grow up as the lost child.
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So me, the lost child, really feel like I'm not lost.
00:09:42
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I'm found because I know everything will come off that way for most of my friends because I was always a leader in cabinet.
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However, listen to this.
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The lost child is usually very quiet, shy, or introverted.
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Highly intelligent.
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Highly sensitive.
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Distant from the family's chaos.
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Spends a lot of time alone.
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Yes.
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Gets little attention from parents figures.
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Yes.
00:10:03
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The lost child heard.
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You basically take care of yourself.
00:10:08
Speaker
You're self-sufficient.
00:10:10
Speaker
You were the easiest child.
00:10:11
Speaker
Granted, I did well in school.
00:10:13
Speaker
I wasn't a bad kid.
00:10:15
Speaker
So in Baltimore, usually the bad kids get attention because they're bad.
00:10:20
Speaker
You know, they're always in trouble.
00:10:21
Speaker
Where I did good, I didn't get that.
00:10:24
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I was also quiet and shy introverted wasn't as outspoken as I am today.
00:10:29
Speaker
Usually parents take pride in a lost child because they see their lack of needs as a sign that the child is doing well, right?
00:10:35
Speaker
So I've never acted as if I needed anything from anyone.
00:10:38
Speaker
I just did everything on my own terms and I figured it out.
00:10:41
Speaker
I got good grades.
00:10:42
Speaker
I was leader on my teams and
00:10:44
Speaker
Everyone came to me for help.
00:10:45
Speaker
You know, as I talked previously, oh, I was a healer in a past life.
00:10:47
Speaker
Of course they would come to me, right?
00:10:49
Speaker
In reality, the lost child has withdrawn and usually disassociated to cope with the environment.
00:10:58
Speaker
As an adult, the lost child might struggle with communication, never learn proper socialization, like yeah, communicating my needs, right?
00:11:05
Speaker
Be extremely conflict avoidant.
00:11:07
Speaker
I don't really like no drama if I don't have to involve myself in it.
00:11:11
Speaker
Deny what they feel, I'm fine.
00:11:12
Speaker
I always say I'm good and I'm always gonna be good.
00:11:15
Speaker
And I truly believe that, but it's also with me running from my feelings.
00:11:18
Speaker
A pattern that kept them safe in childhood, stay small and invisible.
00:11:23
Speaker
Today, you no longer need to believe
00:11:25
Speaker
To be invisible or needless, to be loved and accepted.
00:11:28
Speaker
Asserting your needs is a key part of healing.
00:11:31
Speaker
It's important to start to fully express yourself, set clear boundaries, and get to know who you actually are.
00:11:36
Speaker
Dark night of the soul, ego death, really getting to the root of all the trauma and challenges I suppressed because I never wanted to feel what I had to feel to be where I'm at today.
00:11:46
Speaker
If you were the lost child, share your experience.
00:11:48
Speaker
So anyway, so on this journey, what I discovered was this.
00:11:53
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I had to ask myself some real questions.
00:11:55
Speaker
And the download I got was Eric, the person who puts on all these masks and play all these characters, only loves himself if he's accomplishing something or he's helping someone or he's making somebody else happy.
00:12:16
Speaker
So a lot of my success and love for myself and fulfillment was if I was making you happy, if I was accomplishing something, or if I was helping someone else.
00:12:24
Speaker
So then the question came, does Eric love himself if he's not accomplishing it?
Self-Love & Authenticity
00:12:31
Speaker
if he's not successful, if he's not helping someone.
00:12:34
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And I said, damn, I do not love and accept myself if those things are not happening because I was a human doing and not a human being.
00:12:41
Speaker
And I only felt that I would get love and acceptance if I was accomplishing doing or making someone else happy, which is very bad and very unhealthy.
00:12:51
Speaker
Big picture and on a root level.
00:12:53
Speaker
So yeah, there's those things that came up.
00:12:56
Speaker
Um, yeah,
00:12:57
Speaker
And I just saved face and space for so long because I wanted to make everybody else comfortable.
00:13:01
Speaker
I want to make everybody else safe.
00:13:04
Speaker
So I'm adjust to the temperature of the room or the energy because if I don't, people are going to leave me or I'm not going to be loved and accepted.
00:13:13
Speaker
Right?
00:13:14
Speaker
So what I did was created a monster, created this guy who appears to be, oh, everything's perfect.
00:13:20
Speaker
Everything's fun.
00:13:21
Speaker
Oh, you're so happy and positive.
00:13:23
Speaker
Oh, how are you so positive?
00:13:25
Speaker
And really...
00:13:27
Speaker
I was positive, but the positivity was also pain upside down.
00:13:31
Speaker
You know what I'm saying?
00:13:33
Speaker
So now in my true self, my true authentic self, I'm sitting in the pain of my past and of the moment of things I've been challenged with these last few months and really sitting down and saying, yeah, you can't save nobody.
00:13:45
Speaker
You have to save yourself.
00:13:48
Speaker
And it opens me up.
00:13:50
Speaker
Be like, damn, I can go so hard for someone else.
00:13:55
Speaker
But I can't go hard for me unless it's connected or attached to someone else.
00:14:00
Speaker
Codependency.
00:14:01
Speaker
I depend on people that depend on me to be me, to help them.
00:14:05
Speaker
But what if no one needs your help?
00:14:07
Speaker
Who are you?
00:14:09
Speaker
So yeah, the ego death is real.
00:14:12
Speaker
I'm getting on the other side.
00:14:13
Speaker
I got to be my complete self with any and everybody.
00:14:16
Speaker
Cause you know, also living in LA for 13 years, working in a corporate setting when you first, you had to go, you had to be clean shaven and having a high
00:14:25
Speaker
you know, high-end clients, wealthy people, you feel like you got to adjust to your environment.
Living in LA & Authenticity
00:14:30
Speaker
So you put on these capes or these masks because you feel like, oh, I got to look this way.
00:14:35
Speaker
I got to talk this way.
00:14:36
Speaker
I got to dress this way and realize like, no, you're loved no matter what.
00:14:40
Speaker
And if people don't love you for your true self, then they're not your people.
00:14:43
Speaker
They're not your tribe, right?
00:14:45
Speaker
So I just wanted to share that.
00:14:47
Speaker
I think it is vital and important for me to share that on this episode of Thicker Talks.
Podcast Growth & Listener Engagement
00:14:52
Speaker
Please share, subscribe, like, follow us on Instagram.
00:14:57
Speaker
And I want more listeners.
00:14:59
Speaker
I'm going to get more listeners.
00:15:00
Speaker
We have more listeners.
00:15:01
Speaker
I'm claiming that now.
00:15:02
Speaker
Bigger Talks podcast is the biggest podcast in the world.
00:15:06
Speaker
And by the way, remember, it's Miracle Season merch.
00:15:08
Speaker
35% off.
00:15:09
Speaker
The coldest miracles.
00:15:10
Speaker
Go to itsmiracleseason.co and get you a hat, get you a hoodie, get you a t-shirt, get you a mug.
00:15:15
Speaker
Support.
00:15:16
Speaker
and share but this is about the people we want we want the world to be full of miracles but we got to wear it we got to feel it we got to be it so yeah that's it for this episode um if you like it comment share uh if you can relate you know let's speak let's talk about it but i just kind of wanted to give that uh a little thing of what i've been going through and the ebbs and flows of it what it looks like what it feels like
00:15:42
Speaker
It's been very uncomfortable.
00:15:43
Speaker
It's been very challenging.
00:15:44
Speaker
I've been questioning a lot of things.
00:15:47
Speaker
And it's deep.
00:15:48
Speaker
It's raw.
00:15:48
Speaker
It's real.
00:15:49
Speaker
But guess what?
00:15:50
Speaker
That's who I am.
00:15:51
Speaker
Yeah, I'm positive.
00:15:52
Speaker
I'm nice.
00:15:53
Speaker
I'm sweet.
00:15:55
Speaker
I'm good energy.
00:15:56
Speaker
But I'm also raw, authentic, and real.
00:15:59
Speaker
And I got to met that side of me, that shadow side, meet me.
00:16:03
Speaker
the other side and they come together and then I'll be, be a complete whole person all the time.
00:16:09
Speaker
So it's miracle season.
00:16:10
Speaker
Go download
Embracing Authenticity & Shadow Self
00:16:11
Speaker
the podcast, share it, subscribe.
00:16:13
Speaker
And I appreciate you.
00:16:14
Speaker
I appreciate your support.
00:16:16
Speaker
Thank you for listening.
00:16:17
Speaker
If you're in the car, if you're at work at your desk, if you're up late at night, I don't know what word.
00:16:24
Speaker
Thank you for listening.
00:16:25
Speaker
So be great.
00:16:26
Speaker
Be beautiful.
00:16:27
Speaker
Be raw, be authentic, be transparent, be your complete self.
00:16:31
Speaker
And it's okay to make love and give attention to your shadow self.
00:16:34
Speaker
That's what I'm working through now.
00:16:36
Speaker
And once I get through this process, you guys will know about it.
00:16:39
Speaker
So talk soon.
00:16:41
Speaker
Peace, love, and gratitude.
00:16:43
Speaker
I'm out.