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Ep. 36: Protect Yourself From Sabotaging People - Part 1
182 Plays3 years ago
Some people intend to do harm, either consciously or subconsciously. It can be a minor case of "misery loves company”. On the other extreme, there are people who will go as far as destroying their own life to hurt and sabotage others.
You probably know someone right now or even ARE someone that falls into gossip, rehashing past disappointments or picking fights.
In this episode, you will learn:
- Ways to spot sabotage early.
- Strategies to protect yourself from sabotaging people.
- How to escape guilt, shame, and hurt.
You can connect with Heather McFall at https://www.lakehypnosis.com.
Find out more about how hypnosis training can help you be more successful as a coach, business executive, entrepreneur, hypnotist, friend, family member and human being at https://www.hypnosistrainingcanada.com.
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Transcript
Altruism and Manipulation
00:00:00
Speaker
If you're doing something kind for somebody else, if you're doing it out of guilt or shame, if you feel ashamed of being happy or ashamed of having more money than them or ashamed of being braver, more confident or something, or if you're feeling guilty, like I have this and they don't, so I need to give it to them, or I was going to go have fun and they'll be alone, so I better not have fun and just stay with them. Anytime you're responding out of guilt or shame,
00:00:27
Speaker
and doing something altruistic, that's a manipulation. You want to transform yourself and improve your life. You long to help people. You wish to become healthier, happier, and more successful.
Show Introduction and Purpose
00:00:41
Speaker
This show is your opportunity to learn how to use hypnosis to make your life better. Each week, hypnotist Robbie Spear Miller interviews people who have already changed their lives in amazing ways with hypnosis.
00:00:54
Speaker
These models can help you discover your path to making the most of your life. If you want to learn how hypnosis can help you reach your goals, this show is for you.
00:01:07
Speaker
Hello, everybody. This is Robbie Spear Miller. I'm the host of the Hypnosis Show podcast.
Theme Introduction: Self-Sabotage
00:01:12
Speaker
And today, we're going to be covering a really interesting theme that many people can relate to, where have you ever had somebody who says something sabotaging or does something sabotaging? And sometimes it's just by accident. It's the way they look at the world. And other times, they really do intend to cause other people harm. Some people have fun with that or enjoy that.
00:01:34
Speaker
And so whether it's the first type of person or the second type of person, we have Heather McFall here today to share with us her strategy for identifying these types of people early and how to handle them so that you can prevent harm to yourself or other people as they're doing their thing.
Introducing Heather McFall
00:01:54
Speaker
So Heather McFall is probably one of the most intuitive people I know. She uses a lot of her intuition to help with this theme as well. And she is the owner of Lake
00:02:04
Speaker
and she's a hypnotist with the Master Hypnosis Society. She's a hypnosis trainer, has seen many, many thousands of hypnosis clients, and she also does speaking and training and coaching as well. So welcome, Heather. Thank you, Robbie.
00:02:20
Speaker
I'm really interested and curious to hear about how you handle these types of people. You are a real expert on this. So why don't you start by sharing your own personal experiences with people so that you can give them some context for how you learned how to do this really well.
Childhood Experiences with Manipulation
00:02:36
Speaker
So it started with an older sister who would
00:02:41
Speaker
scare me and then at the point of crying or right before I would run to my mom because I was so scared of what was going to happen. I was ready to run and confess whatever it was and then she would stop me and say she was just joking. And then I got into elementary school and I started noticing that my best friends would do things like if her doll fell in the mud, it was only fair that my doll go in the mud too.
00:03:07
Speaker
and where she wanted me to hurt something to make it fair for her. And I was like, that doesn't make sense. And so I would just find myself doing it, actually damaging my own stuff to make her feel better. But then I realized she was guilting me too. And this was like my very best friend in third or fourth grade.
00:03:24
Speaker
But as I grew up, I started noticing that there are some people, like all of a sudden you make a friend who doesn't do that. They have your best interest at heart. And that's when I first had a comparison of, oh, people, this feeling guilty and ashamed and afraid of getting in trouble isn't necessary.
00:03:47
Speaker
So then when other people started doing it, I would, somebody affectionately referred to it as going Spock on them. Don't go Spock on me now. And
Strategies for Calmness
00:03:57
Speaker
I learned very young, as soon as I could identify that somebody was ramping up just to watch me feel guilty or ashamed or afraid, I would just go calm. No longer trying to appease them.
00:04:13
Speaker
or make it right, I would just become very calm. And it didn't matter how much they acted out, cussed, screamed, yelled, said punitive, terrible things to me. I was just calm, staring at them, watching them do it, and watching them escalate to the point of insanity, like just complete insanity, the way they would act out, trying to get me to respond.
00:04:39
Speaker
But for some reason, all of a sudden, there was a shield where I went, oh, this is them doing that again. And it became an observation almost like you're separating yourself and you're just watching the behavior instead of getting attached to it.
Managing Grief through Observation
00:04:56
Speaker
But then I started noticing that I could do the same thing with grief when somebody's dying.
00:05:04
Speaker
not going cold and separated, but I could watch the experience happen, look at the outcome, and then I could stay calm and manage a situation rather than being wrapped up in the grief.
00:05:20
Speaker
So it started to have this useful benefit. And it's not exactly computer, because I'm not in my analytical mind. I'm still loving and curious. I'm just watching the scene and waiting for where my part is, because I don't want to get drawn into the wrong direction.
Psychology of Creating Sadness
00:05:37
Speaker
Now, Scott McFall refers to it as eating pain. There are people who like to eat. They feed on other people's pain.
00:05:47
Speaker
And there are, so everybody has a bad day. There are people who will go on vacation and they've looked forward to it for so long and it's so rare that they get to go anywhere that
00:06:00
Speaker
Now the day before the vacation ends, they start to get depressed because it's almost over. And it's okay to make a statement and say, oh, you guys, I'm so sad. It's coming to an end. This is a bummer. Everybody group hug. Okay. Now let's go have fun. That's normal.
00:06:19
Speaker
for somebody who doesn't get to see them often or whatever. But when somebody the day before the vacation is going to end starts grieving it and then won't let anybody have any other conversation other than grieving it, crying when it's time to go, getting depressed, making everybody promise they're going to meet up again and they get overwhelmed with emotion, and then it ruins the last two days of the vacation.
00:06:44
Speaker
That would be somebody eating pain. They are actually getting off on or enjoying watching all of these people feel sad with them instead of going and having fun. They actually value feeling sad or being a martyr more than having fun. It's a tragic bummer. So when you have people do that, you have to not entertain it.
Emotional Accountability
00:07:07
Speaker
So I bet that some of these people don't realize the impact they're having on others and they also don't feel like they have a choice. Like they think if they feel something, they have to just feel it and they don't know how to, you've talked about getting into that observer position and having a choice and watching and many people don't have that skill. So when you were little and your sister first started doing this with you, you didn't have it either, right? But because she gave you that wonderful experience,
00:07:36
Speaker
and you've had the wisdom to see the difference and build the skill, you know how to do that. But a lot of people think they are their emotions, right? Or they don't know how to escape it. So there might be some very well-meaning people who they don't have that perspective. They don't know that that's possible. And then there are some people who genuinely do want to hurt people or make other people feel bad. Oh, well, sometimes it's conscious and sometimes it's subconscious.
00:08:06
Speaker
If they're doing it over and over, I don't have a lot of respect for people who say, these are my emotions and I'm allowed to have my emotions. I'm gonna feel my emotions. You can't tell me how to get them. Well, that's great and empowering and all 1990s got popular. The fact is if your emotions are infringing on somebody else's life, then now you've turned your emotions and feeling what you want to feel into a weapon against others.
00:08:32
Speaker
So it really comes down to accountability. If you're feeling a certain way, we can shift our physiology. So if you are in a morose state of mind, you can roll your shoulders back, look up, grin like an idiot, I love jazz hands, smile, huh, put on your favorite music, dance around. If somebody's trying to get you out of an emotion, let them, because obviously they have a head on their shoulders when you don't. When you've lost sight,
00:09:01
Speaker
your path and somebody's trying to get you on the path instead of being angry and shutting them down let them take you on the path misery loves company it is a natural response when somebody says oh my neck hurts it's kind of a natural thing to say I remember when my neck hurt
00:09:19
Speaker
Or to, because that's just empathy. It's experiencing what they're experiencing to try to get a common bond. And that's why misery loves company. But there's also, when you complain or are ailing, it attracts other people who get to brag about their complaints as well.
00:09:39
Speaker
So if you notice that misery is loving company, shake it off, change the subject. And the thing is, there's no great talent. You just say exactly what you mean. You know what? Talking about it makes it hurt worse. Let's talk about something else. It's just basic and forward. Also, if you're acting, if you're responding to somebody's behavior,
00:10:05
Speaker
in an altruistic way. So altruism, doing something good for somebody else. So if you're stopping what you're doing, sacrificing something that you were on a path for yourself, spending money, or gifting, or giving something up for another person, whenever you do an altruistic act, check in. First, was it your idea, or did the person put it in your head?
00:10:34
Speaker
Like, did the person create that thing? So altruism always is your idea, not theirs. That's the first way to check your reality.
Authentic Altruism
00:10:45
Speaker
Another thing is if you're doing something kind for somebody else, if you're doing it out of guilt or shame, if you feel ashamed of being happy or ashamed of having more money than them or ashamed of being braver, more confident or something,
00:11:01
Speaker
Or if you're feeling guilty, like, I have this and they don't, so I need to give it to them. Or I was going to go have fun and they'll be alone, so I better not have fun and just stay with them. Anytime you're responding out of guilt or shame and doing something altruistic, that's a manipulation. Altruism should always be your idea. It shouldn't be something brought on. And it shouldn't be a sacrifice.
00:11:27
Speaker
If you're having fun and they're not, you can say, come along and have fun with me. If they say, no, I'm too miserable to have fun, then you say, that's a bummer for you. Call me when you don't want to feel that way anymore. But you can't keep playing into it because it's like feeding, as Scott says, it's like feeding yourself to your pet piranha.
00:11:49
Speaker
You can't, they will eat it and that's why it's called eating pain because they kind of thrive on it and the more they get to tell their tale of woe or the more they get to watch somebody else feel guilty or ashamed, the more they enjoy it and then they're getting better at it. And the more they're doing it to one person, they're finding out how that person gets leveraged, which is really scary.
00:12:14
Speaker
I have a client currently who went through a divorce and her spouse continues to make her feel guilty for having fun. In the division of friends, her spouse is like, well, so when they invited me, it was only because you couldn't go. Or you're spending all this time with the friends that I thought were our friends and they're all taking your side.
00:12:42
Speaker
But the spouse isn't moving on. And when she moves on, her spouse makes her feel guilty for dating and then keeps bringing it up like they're going to get back together. But the reason the marriage ended is because she was tired of feeling guilty and ashamed all the time. Like her whole world was just guilty and ashamed. Even when she was having fun, she was always having to check to make sure her spouse was having fun too. Otherwise she'd be guilty later.
00:13:12
Speaker
Also, if you're in a relationship where you're starting to get afraid of what's going to happen at the end of the interaction, if you go to a party or you go on a holiday or something, if you're worried about how they're going to react when you get behind closed doors, what you should have said, what you didn't notice, how you didn't defend them or whatever,
00:13:34
Speaker
You don't want to be around people who are waiting for a private time to make you feel guilty or ashamed or tongue lash you for what you did wrong. Because then you're sitting through that whole time where you're supposed to be having fun. You're actually, in fact, wondering what you're going to get in trouble for later. Does that make sense? You can't win. Self win something. Yeah.
00:13:59
Speaker
And they're eating the pain. If it's always gonna be something, if you can't adjust ever for it to end up being a nice time, that person is just enjoying that moment. They're enjoying that fear and that unease in you. And it can be conscious. Most of the time, it's subconscious. The key is to separate yourself from the content of the story. So whatever they're saying, don't listen to the content.
00:14:28
Speaker
Look at the point and remember leveling with the Satir model, blamer, placator, computer, distracter, and then the level is to just focus on the goal without any of the story really. How do we want this to go? So if somebody, if you're feeling uncomfortable in an interaction, just ask yourself first, how do I want this to go?
00:14:52
Speaker
And then you state your case. This is what I'd like to have happen. But that doesn't seem to be what you want. How do you want this to go? And that conversation is so when you level directly, eventually you'll see them act out. You'll actually be able to see them act out because they're going to try to keep raising the bar. So if there is something legitimately wrong, when you level with them, they can level back and say,
00:15:22
Speaker
Actually, I just don't have enough money to go on this vacation and I'm really stressed and nervous about it. Oh, well, that's okay. Let's change the vacation so you can afford it and have fun. That'd be great. Maybe that's all it was. Or you seem really miserable and upset or you seem to keep getting your feelings hurt. This is just our intention. How do you want this to go?
00:15:44
Speaker
And then if they bring up a, well, maybe if you would stop doing this and they go back to blaming, if you've leveled calmly and they keep going back to making you feel guilty or ashamed, then you know that that's their goal. And then you just level with yourself and say, you know what? I don't think this is fun. So maybe when you're feeling better, we can do this another time, but just walk away from the situation.
00:16:10
Speaker
There are so many important learnings about this topic of dealing with sabotage that we will continue the conversation on the next episode. Join us to learn how you can become more confident in navigating relationships, more flexible and resilient in the face of criticism, and build a supportive group of people into your life.
Connecting with Heather McFall
00:16:29
Speaker
You can connect with Heather McFall at lakehypnosis.com. And if you're interested in finding out more about how hypnosis can help you,
00:16:37
Speaker
There are many free resources available at HypnosisTrainingCanada.com. Until next time. You've been listening to The Hypnosis Show with Robbie Spear Miller. Tune in next time to learn more about how you can change your life with hypnosis. And if you are interested in learning more about training opportunities, go to HypnosisTrainingCanada.com and schedule a free consultation.