Transcript
Speaker: um how do we normally start uh music okay go ahead or we do have a theme song right we don't have a theme song you thought maybe we did chamber of reason oh yeah listen keep listening to chamber of reason yeah yeah keep on listening to chamber of reason Yeah. Or is it like keep on enjoying?
Speaker: Keep on having a nice listener experience. Yeah. but yeah yeah that's That's not really an intro. That's more like something you play in the middle of those. Get rid of that. Okay. it isn't good It is a good song to play halfway through is keep on listening to chamber. Continue listening to the rest of the episode. Yeah.
Speaker: um We have that song somewhere. i think we should start without ah music this time. Let's just start with small talk. Yeah. All right. Well, we have our friend Thomas with us. Hello. Hey, Thomas.
Speaker: Thomas ah asked us ah what the name of the podcast was today, which is, I think that's, that's par for the course for everyone we bring on. It's par for the course that there is a name for the podcast. Yeah. It's not a crazy thing have. Industry standard, i would say.
Speaker: Yeah, we like to we we took a page out of the book of well, we took a page out of the cover of most books, which is that we used a title title. Yeah, should we come up with a name?
Speaker: A new name? Maybe you've what do you mean? We have a like we have a title, but not a name.
Speaker: Why not? Yeah, fuck it. Yeah. what So far, given give the Given what it's like...
Speaker: given Given the two minutes that you spent on the pod, what do you think it should be called? What's this all about?
Speaker: is wrong with me? but Yeah, how are you feeling? Just, you know, well, constructive criticism, but mostly criticism. What's wrong with the podcast? And should we keep doing this for an hour? I think we should keep doing this for an hour.
Speaker: I think i think you you can't ah you can't let the audience think that that that it might be called something else because it has to be called that or then it's hard to find it. All of our audience ah members, even the ones who listen consistently, they just Google the name of the podcast to reach the next episode. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. Chamber of Reason, Derek, Pierce, Matthew. And Thomas. when they're trying to get that one. Thomas right now. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone Google Thomas.
Speaker: Yeah. Google Thomas is what what is Thomas doing right now? um And you might be able to find out that he's currently a guest on a on a podcast which could be called anything. But no, it couldn't be called it anything. It's called a Chamber of Reason. It's an amazing name. Yeah, yeah it's good.
Speaker: There's no other podcast called that that I know of. and we sure We should reaffirm the name every time we begin recording. Like an old married couple. You are chamber of reason. Like an old married couple. yes they They say what their names are a lot.
Speaker: Relationships that last, they renew their vows every morning. Just like every relationship that's three guys. Always lifelong. Yeah. Okay. Well, ah we should invite our audience to sing. ah We should have an interactive song and they should have a song where they go keep on being called chamber of reason and they sort of renew their their vow so to understand. I'll just insert like five minutes of silence and post and they can kind of do whatever they want.
Speaker: but This part's for you guys. Yeah. And then we should do a choose your own adventure episode where it's like a call and response. And ah there's a side. What do you do You turn off the podcast and then you go do something.
Speaker: And then whatever you did was part of the podcast. And we either congratulate you or shame you for whatever you got done during that time. People get a lot done listening to podcasts. It's lot of people listen to podcasts while driving. Yeah. Muting generally.
Speaker: ah Sometimes at work in their cubicles. Right. Somehow it's like an extra sort of diesel turbo NOS for flow state is having voices in your head. And I guess, you know, that's why the schizophrenic pagan polytheist pyramid builders were able to build those massive structures is because they had ah sort of primordial podcast in their minds, which was the voice of Ra,
Speaker: Ra helped ah those guys pass the time. was Ra interviewing at that time? um One of the Beatles. Yeah, some old historical figure. The ancient Egyptians were like, I love the Beatles because of all the scarabs that they could find. Yes.
Speaker: Yeah, they were listening to the Beatles and ah ah they so they were rolling stones also to go. Yes, you know, Beatles were rolling stones. If you count ah massive balls of dung, ah which I do, and we count those. That's calling. You're passing a colon stone.
Speaker: You can pass a kidney stone or a colon stone. Poop is a colon stone. That's my point. um That's my point. That's the point percent of me my point. Exactly. That's my point. Exactly. you See that is a catch phrase that should be embedded into the nature of our podcast. My point exactly.
Speaker: Well, why don't we have that on the soundboard? We just have all this stupid shit. This is all. all i guess this is pot about list soundboard. Okay. Shout out to pot about list. You've also should call a podcast, but list because people already know what that's called. This is then people look up and see. That's a really good one. Would be wrong to call this pot about list two? No, it wouldn't be wrong. It's fine to call it that.
Speaker: It should be called list list pod ah because we're so tirelessly. Well, we also don't we don't have lists. Is this a comedy?
Speaker: this is a comedy podcast, right? It's con humor oriented. You could call it hot about this because you're laughing. That's really funny. Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha about this and about this.
Speaker: Let's introduce a segment. This let's laugh about something. All right. thats no Okay. We laugh about tonight boys. Okay. We're done with that. Meaning this. No, no. Right.
Speaker: This has been vetted. ah Let's move. Let's move forward. You know there's we were talking about on this free their episode that you can't do it anything because if you do then it's done and so it's impossible to do anything as soon as you're doing it is done.
Speaker: This is why are you bringing this up again? That was the worst thing said during that whole episode really made me laugh, but it's now making me think there's no so there's no this is in the world because as soon as you this just is that Yeah, you can't have a child. You can have this or these children.
Speaker: You really can't have a child because it's just that just that person now. Yeah, are any of you guys barren?
Speaker: No, ah not anymore. and anymore My testicles dropped. Wow. I think that's a you need. You don't know that. You don't know if you're not barren. I mean, your testicles are out, but like you don't know. You don't know if everything works. It could be out of sperm.
Speaker: I want to move back to this dropping thing because they really I feel passionately about this. They don't drop. No, you can't have undescended testicles. They just a little bit lower, though. They do get little bit lower, I feel like. that Do they? In the warmth.
Speaker: Yeah, I feel like they just sag more. Yeah. I feel like I heard about testicles dropping before it happened to me, and then I did think they would, like, kind of... I thought it would, like, kind of bounce it would hurt. know what mean? I thought it would just Yeah, but they don't really do that. That's a myth unless you have undescended testicles, in which case doctors can like coax them out so that they fall into your scrotum. But um I guess they were more tightly bound by the sound. Yeah, definitely. That's true. i think it's not that they drop. It's that they relax. They kind of have like that. Yeah.
Speaker: like long day at the oil yeah refinery and I wouldn't mind wrapping them back up. Honestly, I don't know what's so great about having them kind of s flopping around like that. It is not great. I don't understand that it's because they need to be cool. They say, but they're really in a I liked when there's other things I can do like brothers.
Speaker: Yeah, there's nothing what like roommates. Well, I don't know. It's like my brother like my brother and I shared a room and we're kind of beds right next to each other is nice. We fought, but I'm just trying to figure out a relationship. You think that sagging testicles is not comparable to brother. It's kind of like brothers kind of like cousins almost when drop more. Yeah, you and your cousins grow apart over the years because yeah,
Speaker: because they become like an EMT or whatever, you know? Yeah. yeah You know, we don't really communicate with EMTs. No, right. The testicles kind of so we need the most. yeah I hate EMTs until I need one fucking drug addict addicts, scuzz, ambulance guzzle gas. They're all right they're all making the different flavored waters on TikTok all day. That's easy EMTs are That's in my head. That's all they do. They just have big Stanley cups and they just pour different sugar free syrups in them all day is what imagine. I guess an ambulance really is ah like a snow cone truck because it has all those liquidy syrups that they use to heal people and ice for burns.
Speaker: Yeah, they can make medicinal snow cones. Ice helps. ice helps Ice helps with a lot, they say. Ice helps with the burn. You just cold in it. I guess ice doesn't. Something heats you up and you just cold in the wound.
Speaker: Wait, that does help with the... That's something wrong. Yeah. Well, if you have a burn and you cold in that, you can use like the coldness to create ah a chill that will counteract so the hot.
Speaker: Another wound that just has opposite characteristics yeah cancels out the first. Imagine if you had frostbite and you encountered heat. Yes, it would be a dream come true, but it happens so rarely because if you get frostbite, it probably means that you're in an area that's not that warm. I'm just going to jump into this lake and hope it's warm.
Speaker: Big mistake, buddy. You could always start a fire. But you can always do that. Yeah. Just some Flint Flint. ah phosphorus If you have Flint, you forget your tender. Okay. Jesus. Yeah. Damn it.
Speaker: Yeah. we We used to use Flint and tender to create fires and now we think it's fire when we use tender to find a girl named Flint. We really think it's fire. You'll never believe the most fire thing happened to me. i found a girl on Tinder.
Speaker: ah I downloaded tender and I found a bunch of girls on there. shit. I know about them now. Yeah, guy who thinks that Tinder is just like opening an app to look at a new fresh picture of a girl has no idea that you can swipe left or right. It's just like look who I found today. 21.
Speaker: It's exciting. It's
Speaker: <unk>s exciting um Well, any other testicle thoughts? ah Did you guys ever push your a shaft in? Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: And we talked about the trick. I can't do that. Or what do you do? you You push your glands deeper into the shaft. push. I mean, well, yeah, i guess the shaft isn't. No, the shaft is in This is something you did as a kid or you can do it now. It's something I did frequently as a kid in the bath. Are talking about tucking the penis into the scrotum skin?
Speaker: I'm talking, yeah, pushing, like push the tip and it can fully go back into the shaft. Like a turtle. Like a turtle. Yeah, but you're you're pushing the glands. You're not pushing the shaft. I would never do that.
Speaker: The glands is the head of the penis. i don't they have but I don't think I have a glands, but that's okay. Your doctor cut yours off? um never I've never heard of having a glands before, so I'll assume I don't have one. Okay, it's ah's always safe to assume you don't have one me and my pops were all shaft. You know what i mean? It's all I'm cut. I don't know about you guys at the shaft.
Speaker: That's what he said. Yeah, he says it the doctor your dad, my doctor dad, my dad's doctor dad um I used to think that like the penis head was like a turtle's head and the shaft was like the shell and that but this is also a impenetrable. Well, I also thought it was a misunderstanding I guess I about had about turtles, which is that inside of the shell, there's like a sort of lizard and the lizard basically I thought they can go out of the shell. It can go out of the shell. So you thought the the the shaft that it we had, it was like a It was a there's more head under the shaft. There's like it's all head. You have a shell.
Speaker: have a hard. No, I guess I just thought that the turtleneck nature of the shaft was disguising more head. That's like it's all one solid chunk of purpley head under the shaft.
Speaker: But if you look up a diagram of a cross section of a penis, it looks your the red fleshy part of your penis kind of tapers into a sperm tail and that's what goes into your urethra.
Speaker: If I still had a foreskin, I would try and get it really calloused like an armadillo. So I could just have a soft, perfect penis underneath. But my foreskin itself, people say there's a lot of nerve endings. I would get all those burn off, scraped off, and I would just have a very hard protective shell.
Speaker: So if I got in a motorcycle accident or something like that, Right. Protect the rest of your body. Right. Do you have your old foreskin trinket box or because you could probably still call us. I don't think I don't think my family kept it.
Speaker: No, probably fed it to the dog or something. don't know. Yeah. As a treat. Trash it. Yeah. If you had like ah um that junk useless. If you had like armadillo armor on your penis, I guess getting head you would really advocate for teeth just so you could feel it like you. I think that would actually back. I thought you peeled it back to for all that stuff. I don't know if you do.
Speaker: Right. I thought you were saying, are saying you wanted the glands to be armadillo? I wanted no one knows what glands is. You got to stop bringing that up. was saying just say head and all the normal words we know. you peel back your foreskin for all that stuff? I don't think I'm cut. Mine doesn't need to be right. That's saying. I'm saying hypothetically, I don't know.
Speaker: I think foreskin men do because they want to make a big to do about it. Yeah. Oh, here's my thing I have. It's like shut up. Never seen this before. Huh? In America. Oh, this is a joke. I'm gross.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. ah And it does make a, and you know how you can hear someone smiling on the phone. I bet the foreskin peeling it back makes that same sort of crackly.
Speaker: thank
Speaker: That's a yeah. When you're talking to someone just like wait a minute, I can tell that you're sad. Why am I hearing you smiling? That's probably because they've taken their penis out and started killing it bad.
Speaker: Yeah, somebody's happy to see you walking into this train car. Yeah, boners should have a ah crackly sound component of them peeking out of their shell. Yeah, crackly like an old radio. Yeah, or a new radio. Mine sounds like a a desktop computer where the fans are working really hard. It's exhaling.
Speaker: Yeah, rattle. If they could breathe, they would be out of breath all the time. Yeah. Yeah, wheezing. Yeah, I wish my penis could joke, but instead it can't be serious stuff to it.
Speaker: You were just talking about pushing it in. Isn't that funny? That's me doing a joke. You wish your penis could push you in. I wish it could push me down. That's just you being carrot top with your little carrot top. But you want the thing itself to be a sort of Mitch Hedberg one liner.
Speaker: But do you shoot one line when it's time? I suppose. Yeah, usually one that's Hedberg style. I have one spurt. Uh huh. What about a stream of consciousness?
Speaker: A stream of hmm. Right. I guess that's peeing. Is that a joke? Yeah, just sort of a long. That's a shaggy dog joke is when you pee. What if there's a carrot top joke where he start he to get to the end the joke, he had to pull his penis out as a prop and and jerk himself almost to completion. and The completion was where he pulled out another prop or something for part of the prank.
Speaker: Right. He was like, this is what I call ah ah a petri dish full of cum, but I'm going to need a little bit of help from the audience.
Speaker: I saw Carrot Top two years get molested on stage. Can I get a deaf woman to do it? That's a funny story. I heard you, man. yeah i I'm interested interested in carrot top getting molested. um I saw him get assaulted in Vegas. oh Wait, doesn't that happen him all the time?
Speaker: i i wonder it seemed like that was what the audience member next to me was there to do. Yeah, he was like, don't objectify me objectify my props molested or mostly assaulted. Like did somebody come punch him or come grope him?
Speaker: It was this older couple, probably from some flyover state, visiting Vegas, sitting next to me. And they were giggling together the whole time. The guy was, he he was like 6'5 or something. Carrot Top comes into the audience doing crowd work, some COVID joke, where he like kisses the audience in front of a window. Does that make sense? Yeah. ah And the guy's like yeah snickering with his wife as Carrot Top comes over and then takes out his, he takes out his hand, really. Yeah, well, sorry. It's already out. The audience removes his hand. He peels his hand back from his wrist shaft and he squeezes Carrot Top's taint as he walks by like a hard squeeze with a large hand and Carrot Top visibly winces.
Speaker: oh my god that guy's probably so strong he's huge i think so i think it must have really damaged he he was not crushing his balls or just you couldn't see i guess the center of the hand was probably aligned with the taint but then the the finger fingers his strong strong fingers long strong fingers and they high-fived afterwards that's what they were there for They high-fived him. Did Kiritop do anything about this? Oh, they they had a plan.
Speaker: They had a plan. They were there to do that, I think. Because I think there's this idea, if you've never really been to a comedy show, I think there's this idea that like it's just dumb clowns you can kind of fuck with. They like it.
Speaker: Yeah, he did sort of make a nervous comment afterwards. He kind of seemed to break. He was like, oh, whatever happens in Vegas, something like that. It's kind of sad. Yeah, it's sad to molest him. Yeah, just killed him.
Speaker: yeah He passed. He must have a knife or something in his chest, right? Oh, you mean he's armed his tool chest. Yeah, yeah, there's prop his prop. Yeah, maybe they didn't know his carrot top.
Speaker: That's point. probably just thought it was some ugly red hat. Yeah, look at this girl. Right, and they probably thought it was a woman. Yeah, it's just a victim.
Speaker: Oh my God, he winced in pain. That's that's not very victim-like, or is it? It's hard to say. like Victims usually kind of accept what I'm doing. Carrot Top must be so um ah bewildered and ah upset by having a taint because it's right between two props,
Speaker: And it's basically a nether region in between two of the funniest props on the human body. And I'm sure that it's a source of great anxiety for him that his body does not have a ah well because of the rule of threes.
Speaker: The taint is essentially a missed opportunity for a third really funny prop. The taint is simply a missed opportunity. What do you mean? It doesn't make sense. three is there's two things that aren't funny. The third thing's funny, right? That's the rule of three. i thought the rule of three is just there's three. There's three. Yeah.
Speaker: You think the rule of three well if the world three is just that there's three then it succeeds. No, because there's nothing there. You just refer to it the taint, right? But that's like saying that am I being a ah downer right now because I'm denying. No, I think you're simply wrong about the rule of three.
Speaker: I guess you think so. Yeah, here's what I can say. is What is the rule of three for you? Professor, it goes like this one two three and then laugh. Yeah, it's not a rule.
Speaker: First of all, the guidelines are always like that. Here's what I think it is actually and I will revise and I think you're right. I think the taint is a comedic pause and it's all about the timing. You're like ah dick. That's interesting. Nick Paul.
Speaker: Oh my God, an asshole. But I guess there's the testicles there too. If you do it that way, it's only two. There's a glands? No. recently learned. We can't. The anus really is one thing and some pubes.
Speaker: But for the most part, the anus is just that one thing. You have the prostate gland. It's deep within. Yeah. That's sort of a comedic pause between the colon and the anus. What does it look like? Just a gland.
Speaker: Whatever glands seem like. professor Should i tell my prostate fluid story? yeah Yeah. You've never told it. Yeah. One time I took a ah sort of a bursting shit after like ah some beers and a dinner and a few cigarettes and smoking some weed. Basically, my heart rate was increasing so much that I went to go like ah take a quick shit. And it was like i sort of um I mean, i kind of popped it.
Speaker: I popped it out. It was mostly like a gaseous eruption and a few turds. Then my penis started to hurt. was like, I guess I'll wipe it. And I wipe my penis and there was there was white goo, but it wasn't it wasn't sperm. Then I looked it up and it's called prostate fluid, which ah can which is a makes up 30 percent of semen.
Speaker: So my prostate shot out your prostate stimulated your prostate. Yeah, I guess so enough. This just sounds like you're dying. I wish that could happen to me every time. So i i feels bad I feel good when I ship, but I have nothing to show for it. Yeah, to shit.
Speaker: Why is your body? It's like your body's malfunctioning. I know it's kind of exciting. How did you determine it wasn't come or that it wasn't ah you're glitching a regular calm. I mean, i don't think that, I mean, look, I guess maybe if there was some kind of crazy arousal on the unconscious level, then it probably would have just been pre-cum.
Speaker: But i it was the kind of, um I don't know. It just seemed like your penis was leaking. It seemed like this is probably an element of semen that is missing the sperm. And I looked it up and that's exactly what it was.
Speaker: Wow. you can just do that as for safe sex next time. So that's kind of a prop. That is kind of a prop. Yeah. Seaman's not a prop, but some of its components are.
Speaker: That's not funny. It's meaningless.
Speaker: Don't enjoy. That doesn't mean anything. Don't continue to enjoy this episode. Yeah. Keep on skeptical of this episode. Shall we?
Speaker: Oh, you guys want to look at some questions? Sure. Why not? What do we have here? Change my view. The only right way to pee is sitting. As far as peeing at home slash in known places, work, restaurants, sitting is the only proper way to do it.
Speaker: It makes sure everything gets out. No last drop in the pants is way more comfortable, allows for a bit of light redditing and is much cleaner. No splash on the ground or on the seat slash ceramic sitting to pee is heavenly.
Speaker: If you think otherwise, you are either a barbarian or too far down the masculinity hell hole. Change my view. Yeah, these Joe Rogan listeners are always standing while peeing.
Speaker: Yeah. Trying to dominate the toilet. Yeah. What is heavy redditing?
Speaker: um What? that's when you That's when you look at it for way longer and your eyes closer to the phone. You really like it. Heavy redditing is probably when you're posting and interacting with posts. and Light redditing is probably when you're just sort of opening it.
Speaker: Light redditing, you're just scanning the top posts of the day from each subreddit. I think that's right. Once you start scrolling deeper in there, it's really penetrating. Once you start searching, you might be a real redditor.
Speaker: um i do this. I sit down to pee. Every time? I do it every time that I'm in company. Like earlier, peed in this recording studio. When you're in company, what does that mean? Well, you guys, we're in the <unk>re in here.
Speaker: I don't want to make a loud splash noise right and force you guys to kind of quiet your conversation. that we can hear it better. yeah You can just pee on the side of the toilet, though. But it is it is comfortable, so why not?
Speaker: i'm not I'm not challenging that. And that still makes well that still makes more sound. just There's something about having your penis closer to the porcelain that does muffle the sound a bit. I'll do it on the phone if I'm on the phone with someone.
Speaker: Have you ever tried filling up a glass of water, dipping your penis under the surface of the water and then peeing that way? Because that'd be ah totally silent. I've definitely peed in cups many times and the what about the level of the level will reach past my glands accidentally sometimes. Can't you pinch and then move on to the next cup?
Speaker: Pinch? Pinch your oh, is that how you stop it? Well do a kegel. Oh, you don't pinch with your fingers. No, no, no. do kego You could do both hold it then move on to the next. You can't do that.
Speaker: Do you guys pinch your gland? i just pinched the urethra closed. to Otherwise people just keep coming out. I'm not a control that that would probably work, right? I bet your body would just involuntarily do a kegel if you started pinching your penis while you were peeing.
Speaker: i go I go dead center of the water full blast every time. Really? Standing up. I see that for you. To me, that feels more polite because it lets... I mean, like probably like when people lived in the woods or whatever, this is what you do. Let everyone around know that you're pissing. Because otherwise, was if I don't hear anything then I know oh he's jacking off really fast in there right with a pillow over his lap yeah and he's and he's kneeling on a second pillow right next to the trash can so that he can ejaculate into the trash can and then use a pillowcase from the one that he was holding to mask it and then he's gonna run the sink for a little bit but only so he can put soap into the trash can and mask this the horrendous smell of his sperms So you're standing there essentially to make room for the other guys who are just doing other shit. Right, right, right. All right. So you should know whenever you do want to jack off, you just bring in ah ah basically a hefty Gatorade. Two pillows.
Speaker: with three pillow, well, four pillowcases because one of the pillowcases I'll ejaculate into, the other will touch the ground. And so you'll have to replace that one. Ground's dirty. I had a coworker one time who was in a bad mood once and he, I asked him what was up and he was like, oh, my girlfriend caught me um jacking off.
Speaker: And I was like, is that, like a forbidden thing in your relationship or were you like watching something particularly grody or something, you know? He said, no, she actually caught me after I'd done it because there was a pillow next to my trash can.
Speaker: And I said, what? And he said, well, I put a pillow down the carpet so the carpet doesn't hurt my knees. And I said, no, that doesn't answer my question all. What are you doing down there, He said, well, I don't want it to touch my stomach, so I do it directly. I ejaculate directly into the trash can so then I don't have to clean it up. It's just in the trash where it belongs.
Speaker: But he said, I forgot to move. I left the pillow on the floor. So she knew as soon as she walked into my room that had been masturbating in a kneeling position. He simply seemed really guilty after she walked in. She saw a pill shes on pillow on the floor and she thought he's jacking off. yeah god They were together for a long time. They were jacking off into the trash. They were together for like seven years. They didn't break up as a result of that, did Not as a result of that. I don't know what they... Oh, so she did know what that behavior meant.
Speaker: She knew exactly. I think it was something they'd been working through in their relationship, him kneeling to jack off. She was like, I don't mind that you stand off, but can you just be one of those belly guys? Because there's something about you treating a trash can the same way you treat me ah that doesn't sit well with me.
Speaker: I just dump it straight into the trash can and my girlfriend so that I don't have to worry You need an intermediary step. You guys come in your hands and then you just toss it in the rubbish, right? Right.
Speaker: Yeah, I like i i swing it like spider man from my hand and done. Yeah, I just I have to come into my mouth and I spit into the sink.
Speaker: I come into the air and then lands on my belly. If that's what you're but first stop is the air. Yeah, right. I'm full of bubbles and oxygen. I i i come straight in the air and then I flip really fast it can go into my ass.
Speaker: no Yeah. Go straight into my bum. I like how you piss straight into the toilet, Thomas, because I think that anything that there's something, maybe it is toxic masculinity, but I always felt great comfort when I heard my dad ah splashing into the toilet as loud as he possibly could.
Speaker: Because it's basically just like rejoice. we're We're safe here. I agree. It's anti-social behavior, Matthew, for you to sit down peeing because like there's a primal part of us that we need to hear you peeing so that we can kind of look out for you so that you don't get eaten by jaguars or something.
Speaker: I feel like if you guys heard me peeing, you'd know my exact dick size. We would, but like that's part Bondi. What's wrong with that? you possibly know someone's dick size? don't know. I was at a party in high school. and You can measure how much A room full of girls and a guy went to pee and we all heard him.
Speaker: And they said, it sounds from his from the sound of his stream, you can tell he has a big dick. And after that, I wondered what what the sound of my stream indicates. Yeah, so you're like, I'm going to muffle it entirely so that people suspect I have nothing down there at all.
Speaker: Nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Silent. Silent. so but Silent, but wet. and they they Then the high school girls at this party, they'll go, oh, he's probably peeing onto his feet and then dipping his feet into the water to get the pee off Yeah.
Speaker: What are other things that people could suspect if you're silent in there? Yeah. Sit down to pee around high school girls. yeah Well, I guess i also I don't want high school girls to think about the potential.
Speaker: I guess. Yeah, I guess that's a good point. If I was a high school teacher, I don't know if don't know what I would do. I would probably do the same thing. Teachable moment. High school teachers use the urinal. yeah Whenever I go into the women's bathroom as a high school teacher.
Speaker: Don't listen. You girls are being so immature.
Speaker: Ha ha ha. Ha ha. accidentally used the women's restroom. I'm in the volleyball locker room using the bathroom, okay? I'm old and stupid, and I guess that's funny. And yeah, I piss on my feet and wash them in the in the shower. I'm pissing into my Oxfords and dumping them into the sink. Very funny.
Speaker: You guys laugh at me too much. um Someday you're going to be my age, and you're to be using the bathroom in the girls' volleyball room, and you'll understand. i was just trying to use the sink.
Speaker: I like using the girl's sink. Use the sink. I piss in the sink. I piss in the sink. I feel like that's the next level up from standing peeing in the middle. Have ever pissed in a sink, though? No, I just pee in gallon jugs and like cups. It's got to a little saucers.
Speaker: Yeah, I've gone sink before. It's been a long time. been a long, long time. It was a different life. I mean, I haven't done it in a long time either because the last time I pissed in the sink, I killed my old landlord um because I was... He was very small. was very tiny. He was in the sink. He washed away.
Speaker: My girlfriend was using the toilet and I was a little bit drunk and so I started pissing in the sink while we were both in there. But I was putting my weight on the sink, which was a pedestal style sink, meaning that the the basin of the sink is resting on top of a a ceramic pedestal with all the gear, all the pipes and shit behind it.
Speaker: And then the entire s sink came crashing down and became disconnected from the pipe. And ah my landlord came in to clean it. Also, I was bailing out my other sink, the kitchen sink, with all that horrible gunk in there. trying to use Drano and stuff. And I was bailing it out into the bathroom sink.
Speaker: So all that sludge that was clogging up the bathroom or the kitchen sink was now in the bathroom's pipes. don't know what you mean. The gunk You were bailing out. It was gross. You were moving gross shit from one thing to another thing, and and then you were pissing on top of the gross shit?
Speaker: Well, I didn't know that the gunk that I... I thought that gunk, once I dumped it down another sink, would simply have an advantage because it had migrated to another series of pipes. It had already blocked one sink.
Speaker: It had already blocked one sink. I don't know. was the gunk? The gunk is just ah pulverized, rotted food material that gets... explosion. Wait, wait for context. Pierce makes a dish called chicken explosion for context. Everyone already knows that chicken explosion is sweeping the nation, but um so when it became it started horrible smell it's all this rotting ah black food slug. You guys didn't have a trash can. You had to throw your trash and I didn't want to throw it away. It was stinky.
Speaker: so made the landlord come in and take a look and this handy man was also cleaning it up and just like God, this it is horrible. What's all this large and I was like it's from the kitchen. They were digging through the sludge and your piss was all over. Piss was on the ground to smell like pee pee. I was like cooking.
Speaker: I use piss for this. was like there like smells like piss back here. What's going on? And was like, well, we fostered a dog and the dog used to like to piss down there and they're like used to. Yeah, right. Well, the business in the sink. He used to piss. Well, because no, it was leaking from the pipes. It was on the floor. Now it wasn't. It went from the sink to the floor. That's believable story. Yeah, the foster dog used to piss there.
Speaker: It's even true. It's believable that you wouldn't take your dog on a walk because you guys are such scumbags. Yeah, horrible. So nasty, bad tenants. It's a horrible tale. Anyway, he was dead two weeks later. He was on his hands and knees cleaning up my piss and he was dead too two two weeks later.
Speaker: That's a nice way to go. Went to heaven covered in piss. How did he How did he die? Just heart. Hard gave out had to be the piss had to be breathing piss is really bad for your heart the ammonia or something. i don't know about that.
Speaker: I used to go to a gym where they had the the ah sauna but it was like a shitty sauna and then they had the urinals right next to it. So all that piss was just real hot and you'd breathe it in as soon as you walked in. um This is real hot. Yeah, it was really steaming piss 24 7.
Speaker: I mean, yeah, that's horrible, right? Right guys. It was okay. It was okay, yeah. it was alright. I kind of kind of went nose blind to it after a while. It stings your face though, right? Yeah, it's hard to keep your mouth open.
Speaker: It's probably good for your... Pace. or Yeah. Pace. Pace. Pace, yeah. It's fine to boil that shit. Didn't they? It doesn't do anything. It's fine to do. The alchemists used to boil piss and and they that's how they made ah phosphorus, right?
Speaker: That's how they discovered it? I doubt it. let's just say Let's just say what I said was right. Hold on. Let me Google boiling piss really quick. Alchemists used to boil piss, but more recently they well they don't do that. It's just inefficient now.
Speaker: Boiled urine to reduce it to a thick syrup. There's no way it becomes a thick syrup. Piss reduction. Oh yeah, phosphorus. You were right. Phosphorus. Yeah, I accidentally discovered phosphorus while searching for the Philosopher's Stone.
Speaker: I mean, he he thought he was searching for the Philosopher's Stone by boiling piss. Wait, is phosphorus named after Philosphorus? Doubt it.
Speaker: i don't think that's true. Like many before him, he was interested in urine and tried combining it with various other materials in hundreds of combinations. He'd seen, and for instance, a recipe in a book ah published in 1630 for using alum, salt, peat, and concentrated urine to turn base metals into silver, a recipe which did not work.
Speaker: So he heated residues from boiled down urine on his furnace until the retort, which is this. We'll include that.
Speaker: How do we describe? How do we describe a retort ah until the retort was red hot where all the sudden glowing fumes filled it in liquid dropped out bursting into flames.
Speaker: Well, I get it. Piss does have many uses. Like, right. You're supposed to pee on a jellyfish. What he collected was phosphorus. You pee on jellyfish to deactivate. Which he named from the Greek word for light bearing.
Speaker: Right. Phosphorescent. But does philosopher... i don't think so. Oh, philosporescent. That's where you eliminate the money. Yeah, You fill it with phosphor. called the podcast Philosophorescent Lessons?
Speaker: Philosphorescent lessons. Philosphorescent lessons. We're just boiling piss. That's kind of nice to in a sim song voice. This is weird to write in a Wikipedia article. Phosphorus must have been awe-inspiring to an alchemist.
Speaker: What? Why do they write that some guy who likes piss probably must have been on inspiring. It was a product of man and it seemed to go with a life force that did not the Minnesota. So yeah, they even include the recipe so we could make phosphorus just as guys by letting urine stand for days until it gives off a fusion smell and take that long boil it to a thick syrup.
Speaker: Here we should actually have an alchemy episode and we should do piss tips about how to turn piss into glowing. Our first video episode. We're each going to make our own philosopher's stone. We have discussed alchemy a lot. I feel like we probably should try to find the philosopher's stone as the Chamber of Reason podcast. We should make a strives in alchemy.
Speaker: It's it's gotta be way easier to find the philosopher's stone these days, right? Right because of apps Harry Potter apps and Harry Potter and well we have some Harry Potter combined. All they could do is philosophers phone nowadays. Exactly. Yeah, find my philosopher's stone. That's good and be yeah. Can you make a beef essentially essentially?
Speaker: ah Can I use it as a pager? Essentially the phone is a beeping philosopher's stone. um This is literally something that Terence McKenna says is just like, but it was before phones. He was like, sometimes I think the UFO is the philosopher's stone of the alchemist. And one day we're all going to have devices that can do anything and there'll be little philosopher's stones and people will walk around with UFOs in their pockets. He predicted everything.
Speaker: What did he think a UFO was? It's the Philosopher's Stone. This guy's a nut. This guy's fucking crazy. He was high. He probably was high. We'll have UFOs in our pockets. That's not a good way to describe phones. Ultimate philosophers only.
Speaker: philosopher for The The philosophones. Oh my God. Is that what phone means? Philosophones? Phone comes from from philosophy or something? So phone comes from phosphorus.
Speaker: It was phones for us. Phones for us to use. It illuminates. And I want a falafel phone. is that That's your Terrence McDonough voice again? And I'm hungry for a falafel phone. I'm hungry. I have a feeling that people will have sandwiches in their pockets that they can pull out and eat whenever they want. And and they'll never run out. in the same You can just eat the same sandwich your whole life.
Speaker: Philosophores dash. Philosophore dash. He came up with that? Yeah. In the future, you'll be able to eat a sandwich. In the future, people will be able to use Uber Eats on their phones.
Speaker: And seamless. but yeah Seamless. um Next. Next. Next question.
Speaker: My point exactly. You want to read this, Thomas? Is it weird that I really want someone to humiliate my penis like SPH, even though I don't think my penis is small?
Speaker: What's small penis humiliation? Okay. In past, I used to go to strip chat, find a dominant streamers, and make them SPH me. SPH me. But...
Speaker: I always s send it my penis soft and says it can't get bigger because when I as send it my penis erected one time, the streamer was shocked and didn't really know what to say. i love that phrasing of sending my penis soft or sending it hard.
Speaker: Yeah, go forth. Yeah, I send you hard. How do you send it soft? Do you think about ah you think about other yeah baseball baseball dominatrix has like some kind of like honesty pledge? Yeah, I mean like they're like, well, I can't make fun of this. It's not small penis at all.
Speaker: no No, no, this is what I'm into. I'm into you saying I have a tiny penis. Meanwhile, it's massive. There are certain things I won't do as a dominatrix. There's certain things that men shouldn't do with large penises. It's really cruel. Yeah, you have a you have a large penis. This is one thing you don't get. Sorry. No, we're not going to pretend that it's tiny.
Speaker: Wait, is my understanding of this question correct? The idea if you're into this, you are turned on by having your flaccid small penis ridiculed. But then the problem is it's it's not sustainable because you get hard.
Speaker: Oh. so then you're turned off again. i think this first question, this first answer really ah sums it up nicely by Mr. Fullman. hu um Not that weird.
Speaker: I've had brilliant partners who wanted to be treated like they were stupid and beautiful partners who wanted to be called ugly. Humiliation play doesn't need to be based on reality. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. Okay. Hey, stop floating away. You bubble. I love this woman. She's brilliant brilliant. Treat my genius pussy like it's stupid.
Speaker: Your pussy can't do much, huh?
Speaker: I'm not even fucking you right now. You're too hard to you're all the way on the other end of the room. This should be illegal. You're so dumb.
Speaker: You can't even take care of yourself. You should be in assisted living.
Speaker: How am I getting away with it? We can probably get you disability. yeah yeah Treat my clit like a moron. um Hey, your clit needs fucking applesauce and an IV.
Speaker: ah You should be in a home. Yeah. Why'd you stop eating? Are you giving up on life? You're old. You're fucking old, You're so ugly. I'm fucking you anyway.
Speaker: Yeah. What does that say about me? It means that I'm very generous, I guess. i mean Or I'm evil. I'm not into this. I'm evil, but I'm really fucking you even you. Obviously, you're enjoying this, stupid. I love fucking ugly people who want to get it like getting turned on Hey, you're pretty, but you want me to call you ugly because you're weird and I'm humiliating you, but I'm being dishonest. Honestly, I need the money.
Speaker: What's going on with me? You're so broke. You have no money. It's fun. fun. It's fun to play with. It's fun to lie. You're so stupid. but You don't even know that I'm fucking you. You're you're not even going to come. This isn't good. This isn't nice. I'm fucking you, but neither of us are going to come. I'm too smart to get hard. Yeah, I'm thinking about math right now, and it's working. It's actually getting me more turned on than your fucking stink. I'm going to have a male orgasm.
Speaker: I'm going to have a female orgasm, and you're about to ah disappear. You're going to die. I'm going to kill you you. no more. Yeah, you're a fucking computer. What's the most you're a worm and I saw my or no.
Speaker: I'm really good. um I'm in charge of you. I'm your boss. But but I'm in reality. Think about it. You're both brilliant. Right. And sexy.
Speaker: hmm. That was fun to pretend. that you were a computer.
Speaker: i was going to pretend that you were simply a nothing and that helped me. Yeah, I do reality this. All right, let's work. Let's clean up the pillow and you can kind of say, well, what are you doing after this? Yeah, i guess I'm going to live with dignity.
Speaker: It was good to not be dignified for a moment. And it's nice to have humiliation happen as ah in in harmony and in unison with orgasm.
Speaker: Well, humiliation, guess, can happen in an unsafe place. But I think humiliation is that's just when you feel unsafe and what is supposed to be a safe place. If you get humiliated in an unsafe place, it's like, is that even humiliation or is that just like more danger? it sounds like you're making fun of people that are humiliated in unsafe places.
Speaker: But isn't that the definition of an unsafe place is a place where there's no wake up idiot and you're in unsafe place. Right? he's Why you feel humiliated? You're unsafe. Of course you do. Yeah, exactly. Stupid, right? humiliation You don't think you can be humiliated while you're in actual danger.
Speaker: a gun to your head and you're kind of this is humiliating you piss your pants. Yeah, well I'm not humiliate of course I could be killed right now. So I do get killed. Honestly, this is really embarrassing.
Speaker: Can you be him? I guess that's my question. Can you be humiliated when you're an act of danger or I feel like danger if I were like in a war. I feel like I'd feel so stupid all the time. I would feel really humiliated because of tea bagging. No, well, I would be dead. Do you mean if they're teabagging me after they headshot me? Yeah, that's what I mean. be dead mostly more than anything, but it's just like secondhand. I'm talking about like if you have to carry around the the guns are really big and you have all your your guys all around you and you're like, they're probably all like nowhere to stand. I probably like not stand in the right place and leave they would laugh at you.
Speaker: Yeah, they're just be gentle. yeah Hazing little ribbing to make like one guy is like staying around the corner and you like you go try to stand next to him because you don't have anywhere. He's like, why are you staying so close to me? Yeah, you're in a room with the walls closing in rule one of those classic Star Wars rooms where the walls close. You guys are familiar, right? Oh, yeah, like yeah garbage. You're getting crushed and you're holding both walls with your two hands and the spread yeah and your pants fall down.
Speaker: you're humiliated.
Speaker: but Yeah, yeah, the monsters chasing you and your smile yeah, no belt, no belt, no belt is what cock flops out and then yoda waddles up and and starts sucking into completion and you can't move your hands. Yeah, come on man. and He's saying oh you're so small. You're smaller than me and I'm yoda.
Speaker: You he's You're older than me. I said, I don't think that's true. It's not relevant anyway. Older than me You are in soft to green your penis is greener than me and mine is green. You're just about Yoda gets people. He just accuses them of being Yoda being like him.
Speaker: yeah you wearing a you root you You're wearing robe. You're little Yoda. I am. yeah But you even more so. Yoda walking up and introducing himself. Yoda I am.
Speaker: yeah He's green. The guy's damn green. It looks like nature. That's why yeah, no one knows why that's why yeah, you're just green because he was is near. Yeah, meet green.
Speaker: You have to think it was probably a subtle nod to stoners that he was small and nugget shaped just like marijuana. It resin. He strongly resembled marijuana. That's an Easter egg and he trained Luke in the ways of the force.
Speaker: If we were chilling with Yoda, I'd want greens. You want and one one the first one the first hit. I want to say something to him. Imagine getting Scoobies.
Speaker: What are Scoobies? That's Chewbacca. This is whenever you hit that you're the last one to hit the the bong or or the pipe or whatever and you just get a bunch of ash in your lungs. That's what Chewbacca looks like. Those are Scoobies. Chewbys. Chewbacca, Scoobies, Chewbys snacks.
Speaker: That's interesting
Speaker: Chewbacca's most it's interesting this point bong solo. That's when you when you have a bong for once. Now what if you smoke with Darth Vader and he laced the blunt? Yeah, yeah with a lice late a light slater. Yes, yeah. What if there's a strain near another Darth Vader? Strong force dark dark dark smoker no.
Speaker: yeah ma north mall that's we get high the mall. You walk around to get too high the mall. What if weed was worse?
Speaker: Is our jars involved at all because I had a jar. Well, no, I i was going say that, but yeah, a jar of weed. Yeah, yeah i like that. Yeah, yeah that's what i was going to say. Yeah, jar and then any smoke the binker Yeah.
Speaker: Binky. Yeah. Jar Jar Blinks. Jar Jar Blinks. That's when you have two jars of Blinks. Blinkers. Is that slang for? Oh, Darth Vapor. the oh we got Oh, we got it. Finally. All right.
Speaker: The thing we're all looking for. And Sativa might just be a name of some apprentice. That's like midichlorian type of bullshit. Yeah. And this isn't quite related, but if you're shooting up some other substance, you could have Star Trax.
Speaker: on your arm. Yeah, not quite related. It's not quite we over Star Wars. Yeah, but it's really similar said in the future. Yeah, well, and you'd probably could be tattooing yourself if you smoke a lot of her.
Speaker: Yeah, hot hot ish
Speaker: smoke and again.
Speaker: I'm gonna smoke in again. I'm smoking again smoke. Oh, Snoke. Snoke in again. oh oh and wharf is smoking with us.
Speaker: Yeah, he's smoking war like sweet as well yeah on the wharf. Yeah, and data data Kirk. ki Okay, shit.
Speaker: damn I'm I'm droid.
Speaker: She sucked me. She sucked me off. We're doing sex ones now. No, no, but if you relevant, if you do see three pedos you call call service to clean them up downloading illegal pornography.
Speaker: If you see three pedos, call nine. Sir, I've downloaded the materials. Oh, that's a good question. What do people do?
Speaker: Why not leaders just kill each other instead of armies of people killing one another? the idea is like the president of America has to fist fight the guy in Iran.
Speaker: Right. Well, they don't want to do that. That's why I don't want to get hurt. That is entirely it, right? Okay, you've answered it accurately, but now let's imagine. Do you guys think a commanding officer thinks that it's good to have ah to be in charge of the army more than the president does?
Speaker: Like, does he think, like, not that does he think he's in control of the army more, but is he like, these are my boys, really. I'm the one sending them off to die, not the president. I'm sure.
Speaker: yeah They must. He's like, you guys die not for the president. I mean, we'll say that you died for your country, but really you guys died for me because I gave you guys training on how to shoot the guns.
Speaker: Does anyone run off to war saying for the president? Some people really some people do it. Protecting the president. That's how they view it. ah I think some people think that the office of the president and the country are a kind of co-equal concepts, but maybe not to your point. Maybe they won't say for the president.
Speaker: Would you would you guys die for the president? Depends on the office, but the office. Yeah. Yeah. For the office of the president. I would love to take a bullet for Donald Trump. I would take, I would take a bullet for even probably a state congressman.
Speaker: Yeah. A controller. Yeah. Or like a Or just like a one of the selectmen from the board. is Just like a jury member on a trial. Yeah. Or like a constable.
Speaker: Yeah, I get my head cut off for a milkman. I think um I don't think I would die for 10 10 people that are all really powerful.
Speaker: I think but then they just kill you. Right. You die for Nancy Pelosi. No, I get hurt for her. I get a little hurt. I wouldn't you get you get in a mild car accident for her.
Speaker: I'd kill for her. I definitely would enter a smoke off for her. You'd enter one, i'd enter a smoke but not necessarily when would do my best. You would try your best. I would probably lose because ah yeah, and a smoke off. would probably get scared right after a few blizzies.
Speaker: Uh huh. You get blazed. You get too high and then what happens when you get too high in a smoke? you leave draw you You get a big red button and it goes too high and then and then the sound California love plays.
Speaker: How does a smoke of ever end? I feel like if you get too high during a smoke of you're just like, well, that's probably normal. They kill you. A smoke off is just smoking. That's just a concept. This is still kind of new in my head. It's fresh. Really? Yeah, no, people do think of smoking as like you someone can out smoke someone else, right?
Speaker: Yeah, but I think it's sort of loosely. I don't think the metrics are super tight. It's never like a hot dog gig in contest. It's always just like we're at a party. It's more like figure skating. Right. It's similar to figure skating. Wait, how?
Speaker: Well, there's judges. Yeah, it's it's not point based. Yeah, figure it's kind of like finger smoking. Yeah. Trip sitters are always figuring out who outsmoked who.
Speaker: Trip sitters are the judges. They watch for who's high. smoke. So they have a very clear vision. yeah Yeah. Getting somebody to trip sit while you like you smoke half a joint dab cart before work. Right.
Speaker: yeah Asking your manager to trip sit you just for a little bit. Watch this. Have you guys trip sat before? Never. No. It sounds like a horrible gig. It just seems like a trick.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm going to be irresponsible. Could you hang out in my dirty apartment for the next for this whole day? It's something for acid. It's long, right? Yeah, could you could could I have an introvert steel psychic energy for me for eight hours? Because ah i don't know for what reason.
Speaker: You think you're going to go insane. I would have a terrible time if there were trips that are sitting there. Of course, trips that are a scourge, watching a board guy. Yeah, you're bored on your trail. The trip sitters board.
Speaker: I'd be watching. oh you'd be watching. That would be the content of what you should look somewhere else. Look away from the guy. Maybe the the trip sitter could kind of like it'd be like a panopticon and he's like sort of in the attic or something. What we yeah that the president is a trip sitter and we're all fucking out of our minds huffing huffing nationalism.
Speaker: Where's the president immune to it? Speak on that president doesn't worship the president. It can't be true.
Speaker: And Donald Trump's sober. He's sober. That's right. perfect He's a real trip sitter. What if he was California's sober and he was like, he would be wearing a f freaking drug rug on TV when he would say the union. He'd say, everything's chill.
Speaker: Yeah. He said, don't worry. What if Donald Trump said, I'm a bit too high. i think I got high. I smoked bit too much before this. I've got the munchies.
Speaker: i I think I hit the wrong. What do they say? Hit the wrong blunt. The wrong what? Yeah, have red eyes. Now he goes. ah now my Now my eyes are orange or red. Yeah, not just the hair. Yeah, which is fake.
Speaker: I'm eating Cheetos just like my fingers. Whoops, I got so high I thought my body was a Cheeto. Yep. um Grab someone by the pussy while high.
Speaker: yo All right now. yeah Now we're about to have high sex.
Speaker: Donald Trump having that stoner sex. Shit. Combine it with a beer. I hit the hit the blunt. no I'm starting to talk about like my kids and shit. That's how high I am. I'm talking about Don Jr. Bong Jr. I thought my son was called Bong Jr. Darth Vader.
Speaker: Shit. You guys know i idolized Darth Vader. He's an evil guy in charge of the Empire. Yeah, he would just wear ah he would wear a suit, but he would have a Darth Vader shirt underneath. like remember Oh yeah, the the Superman thing that he was going to do for COVID. Do you guys know about this? He's going to wear Superman shirt.
Speaker: Yeah. When he got diagnosed with COVID and it went public, he said he wanted to stumble as he was getting out of ah the beast, the car, and then stand up and take off a suit jacket and reveal that he's wearing a Superman shirt underneath.
Speaker: And he's going to like that. They didn't let him do that. They didn't let him do that. He got too close to death. guess so. Has a president ever worn a graphic tee? Didn't Obama wear awesome possum or something like that?
Speaker: Cool clock Ahmed. That's what he said. he should have had a shirt, man. You were sure this had changed. Probably it's kind of a graphic to you. Bush Bush must have worn something. ah No.
Speaker: No, he didn't. He just wore a suit, really. He wore a damn tan suit. That's not presidential. No. He wore tan skin, too, which I think was kind of unprecedented.
Speaker: He smoked. He smoked weed. Oh, he did? Yeah, smoked weed. weed yeah He was like, shit. That's probably made what made him come up with all those good ideas.
Speaker: Policies. so He was like, Obama... I bet in college people probably would sign up for Obama smoke.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: As opposed to Obamacare, which didn't exist yet. Yeah. Yeah. They said, we're going sign up for Obama smoke because it's free. um And it's good. And his weed is, well, he smokes. He says, yes, I support single smoker healthcare, smoke care. milk care yeah single smoker smoke care that's what he supports that's just what I've heard actually I'm not sure if that's true in college he used to say shit like that I don't think Republicans puff puff pass they yeah they don't puff puff pass legislation that's right yeah here's you dirty dog yeah um and what's it called is there something for when you smoke weed and you get you stop moving couch lock couch lock yeah government shutdown
Speaker: Yep. Gridlock. ah Correct. Yes, exactly. So
Speaker: We really backed ourselves into a corner with this. We're getting deeper you and into something really funny. did Donald Trump smoking weed. And then we go, okay, well, Obama. Yes, he smokes weed too. Maybe Joe Biden also partook in marijuana.
Speaker: yeah What if everyone could hold a joint? At least hold it Yeah, Joe Biden. He's fucking he acts it like he's too high and he's always forgetting shit. Yeah, he's just old, right? Actually, right. That's a really good point. He's old, right?
Speaker: He's old and he's not not doing too hot. He's going through withdrawals. He's taking a tea break. Yeah, yeah, actually needs to smoke more. his cannabinoid system is resetting. That's essentially the situation. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, I'll leave Joe alone. He just got the munchies. Uh-huh. Ice cream. that Remember that ah ice cream picture of him? Licked it, right? Yeah, that was because of the munchies. I'm not really hungry. It's just munchies.
Speaker: It's drug-induced.
Speaker: Why are there no periods in games? That's a question. Or illnesses. Is that what it says? Can we go back? It's a nice question. It's really good. It's quite good. you i like You want to look at?
Speaker: Of course. I just feel like maybe we maybe we could do a few more. Maybe weed could. good Yes. Okay. Good call. Yes. Let's read the rest of this question. And look, feel free to not. We can still think about weed, but the way, while we're doing this. While we're carrying out the rest of the podcast, we can still think a lot privately about weed.
Speaker: Yeah, no, no, don't. Don't be private chair. Let's read the question. Okay. You don't have any more thoughts though, right? I have thoughts. How could they be related to weed? Oh, I'll find a way. I'll find a way to make this about cannabis.
Speaker: Podcasters are always trying to smoke the microphone. Don't you think? Yeah. They're always trying to smoke the microphone. Podcast. Oh, podcast. yeah Podcast about this joint.
Speaker: Yeah, this. Because it has this in it, right? Yeah, this. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Go on, Derek. Let's read the question. And you might want to edit this pod. I don't know. Oh, that's when you make a spliff is that you edit the pot.
Speaker: Mm hmm. Yo, we should make this episode of spliff. We should talk about tobacco for another hour. Yeah, another tobacco hour. Here go. Half an hour on weed, half an hour on tobacco and ten minutes on paper. Let's talk about thin paper just for a bit.
Speaker: You think thin paper would be sharp? No, it's like a tissue. soft Softer than a rock. Softer than a rock. It would cover it essentially. All right.
Speaker: Let's read this question. I think. ah So this is on no stupid questions. Why are periods not really in games or illnesses? It just seems odd to me.
Speaker: In BG3, there is, was, a character who gets pregnant, but she doesn't show, and it has very little impact on the actual gameplay experience. But periods and illnesses happen far more often than pregnancies do.
Speaker: Like, it doesn't have to be a huge thang. Maybe somebody just wakes up one day and says they have a headache, slams up paracetamol, and that's the only mention. Just a normal, mundane occurrence.
Speaker: Even in games when the the characters do bodily functions like pee, e.g. Sims, there's no periods. But Sims will happily shit their pants. What's that about? Hmm.
Speaker: Hmm. Hmm. What if periods were green like weed?
Speaker: They're not. All I'm saying is like maybe a Bob Marley poster here and there could improve a lot of gameplay experiences. Yeah. The characters would enjoy their periods more because we'd help with the pain. If I was a woman, I would smoke marijuana to make my periods enjoyable. Yeah. Something high in too.
Speaker: else anxiety The menstrual flow would just be like the flow of my bar so I'd be freestyling. The marijuana influence. Go hit it. Shit. um This is correct. This is a good question.
Speaker: This is a correct question. yeah Good thing to ask. How come Princess Peach never gets her period? Is she pregnant all the time? She's permanently pregnant. Or is she barren? She has to be barren, right?
Speaker: Princess Peach. I don't know. What? She's pretty as a peach. ah she Is she? She's a child. Is she a child? She's a princess. I don't think she's a Mario has to be like 40 or something, right hu Mario. is He's Mario. He never touches her. Well, Mario is a plumber and he has to be at least, you know, you have to be a certain age to become an apprentice or something. yeah I don't know if he's a journeyman plumber. or He's like five, seven years or something. Yeah, he's got to be a journeyman. So and I think well, how long does it take to be? He's also Italian. So who knows?
Speaker: um Yeah, he's an Italian plumber. wears red. Period. period oh Maybe Mario represents the period of Princess Peach because he's always fixing something.
Speaker: Just like your body. He goes through pipes. He's always going down the pipes. What about yeah her um her reproductive pipes? I mean, people even talk about your plumbing down there for people who are barren. you know maybe she's Maybe she plumber.
Speaker: needs a sort of red plumber Maybe Mario's plumbing ah ah career is just a gleefully euphemistic. He's actually a reproductive surgeon of some kind. the problem in her body is there's a Bowser. There's Bowser. Bowser could represent the diarrhea that can also come with a period or constipation or grouchiness.
Speaker: I think Bowser is more grouchy. grouchy as hell. Yeah, sharp and Mario the he's the period or a doctor, but in either way he fixes the grouchy. He's helpful. He's a doctor who makes house calls, but he focuses on um the female reproductive system. Luigi's his brother and he's green green. I mean, let's face it. Wait, what were you going to say? He's green, which is no, I don't know.
Speaker: We don't know related to. Well, that's kind of me. That's me setting you up for a layup. You can say whatever you want. Smoke.
Speaker: it's smoke.
Speaker: Come on Derek. What smokes weed Luigi? Yeah, because he's green. I know Bowser's green or he's more of like a doctor who Bowser's green. Now that's interesting. Now that's green because he blows loose smoke all over his way. G
Speaker: His Ouija. I like that. What's Ouija? Oh, his weed. um He blows loose smoke all over his Ouija? Yeah, all over his, no, all over his EG.
Speaker: EG? What's an EG? You don't know. Extra giant blunt. Oh, yes. EG. Holy shit. My extra giant. That would get me so high. I'm on Rainbow Road right now. Yeah, and I'm using a blue shell, which is a sort of a shell. This Adderall. Oh yeah, I'm crossed.
Speaker: I'm going the wrong way and lucky to is like King Boo represents a cloud of speeches, horrible cocaine habit. Damn, that was not to just interfere with her period as well. Not to get off of the subject of we but Bowser reminds me of Sprite with his ah green and yellow thing going on. but You think he's like lemon lime. Was that for me? Why are you looking so deeply into my eyes when you just trying to cheer you up? and don't He has a red hair active.
Speaker: What is not Bowser? You don't think? Bowser is almost like a reverse smoker the way that fires always coming out of his mouth.
Speaker: Right? Yeah. Yeah, is that he's like a lighter.
Speaker: Bowser's like a lighter.
Speaker: You in Mario Kart where you bick someone.
Speaker: You take their lighter away and they can't smoke anymore. It's so hard to smoke without a lighter. They normally smoke before and
Speaker: So this is like no stupid questions. It's not stupid. Why are there no periods in games? Really? Really? Really? That's what you want to ask me right now. They'd be unplayable. You wouldn't be able to play them.
Speaker: Just because i wouldn't be interesting. I'm bored by periods. They're not fun to play with play as but the new GTA is the whole time you have your period you're having to deal with.
Speaker: I would love to free be like a health bar. Yeah, yeah, it should be like a help bar two and a half crazy days in the life of this lady criminal. Unfortunately, it's her period. You ruin the cars you jack you ruin them. Derek stopped us mushing the mic.
Speaker: oh can you hear that? Yeah, sorry
Speaker: oh Mike Derek. I'm talking to the Mike like it's a Mike Mike Mike you get out of my ass. We didn't say hi to our mics when we started. Hi buddy Mike Mike my Mike tap it guys.
Speaker: is me Matthew. vol shirt Well up. They're all okay. You start. Okay. Shut up Matthew. Done. Wait you're introducing yourself to your mic and then tapping it twice.
Speaker: Hey Mike.
Speaker: Is that dull? Well, here's me. All the mics have different taps. Hey, mine's Basie. Hello, so trip. Oh, yours is fast.
Speaker: Listen listen to Thomas's Mike and his my Mike's heartbeat. Holy shit. Oh, poor little thing nervous. Yeah, my might Mike Mike in your laughter. Let's make our mics here. La come on, Derek. Make your life. I can't like snicker right now. Your Mike is the only one not here. I'm sorry. You got a hungry Mike.
Speaker: This is a giggling Mike. If you're going to go, please go over this Mike. Hey, we should eat on this. We should our mics in here as eat doing ASMR eating an hour and 10 minutes.
Speaker: Yum. Okay, but what about illnesses in games? Huh? There's a yeah, the gunshot disease and what when you get shot. You get illness from that not just kills you. it has to be an illness and call duty. You get jelly on your eyes when you're feeling bad like the red jelly.
Speaker: no no, then you breathe a few times and the jelly goes away. You know what i mean? When you're jelly, you mean blood. Yeah, but it looks like it. It's kind of on your kind of on your eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but is there cancer in games?
Speaker: We do just know terminal illness food can be where you can play as a girl, but you get breast cancer instantly. Yeah, it's called breast game and and you must shoot from the hip. Your breasts are very tender today.
Speaker: Shit. Yeah, guys love playing as busty women ah in games. They never get their breasts examined by medical professionals. Right, so busy. They only ever get their booties looked at by the guys playing the games.
Speaker: That's right. Yeah, there should be um a game where of the camera's in front of the girl and she's running toward you. Oh, that sounds great. can check for lumps. Yes. She's running towards you. She's running towards me. and i'm and I'm right here. Reach me, please. Yeah. and Hello, ladies. Yeah.
Speaker: How come there aren't any games where the girls come out of the game and are my friends? How come I don't have any friends? It's because they don't put the right stuff in video games. It's because they don't put periods in video games. You don't know that girls have them.
Speaker: Right. Yeah, you meet girls in real life and you're just like, you should run away from me. That's how mean. You should go find a box. I don't know about your kind from games. You should jump. The only thing I know about you is that you don't have a period, but you can jump. yeah hey Yeah, I got really good hurt. I got really high once in school and I my friends and I were getting high in the parking lot and I just got my car for the first time and they were like, we're going to go back to my place. Just follow me. And then they started driving and then I was following them in my car and I was like,
Speaker: I've been playing a lot of GTA. i I guess I just realized that I thought that I was driving their car this whole time because it's the camera. My car was where the camera would be in GTA.
Speaker: You're watching them. Yeah, was watching them and I was like kind of surprised behind them. That's right. i was driving them. I wish you were playing. i wish I could control you guys. You think they just have to stand behind.
Speaker: You just have to a pierce did. Yeah, stand behind you and own what you're doing, right? Yeah, if you're walking, if you're following a girl for twenty minutes and she turns around, you're playing as her. Yeah, just say sorry. I thought i was playing as you.
Speaker: i was trying to know you're running towards me. Oh, you turned back around to insult me. That's exactly what I planned for you to do. Yeah, X, X, X. Yeah, jump. I won vault vault vault.
Speaker: Girls can't double jump though. Are you sure? yeah I've tried. Shit. I love double jumping into bed after a long day. as a guy? Yeah. Yeah. I also like double jumping over someone.
Speaker: I like crouching. Do you guys like doing combat rolls down the stairs? Yeah. I like to crouch down in public so nobody knows that I'm there. They can look down. No, but if you're in a stealth mode, then it's very unlikely. yeah Yeah. You can throw a little rock and someone will go look at the rock sometimes.
Speaker: Yeah, grass. I spent a lot of time in tall grass. I like grab. You do grabs? I do grabs. Yeah. Easy. They're easy. What else can you do in game? Save?
Speaker: Get to next level? You can win. You can do that in real life too if you actually know. What? If you know? them adam How to maximize your finances and everything you can win and save.
Speaker: Win ANSIG. Yeah. Lottery winners. ah You can race. You speed run. True. You can speed run life. You can commit suicide.
Speaker: You can kill yourself. You can kill men and you can steal cars. I hate killing men. You do? You can avoid it though. You don't have to. ah Yeah, you can do a no kill run. We've all avoided killing men.
Speaker: um I'm doing a no kill so far, but animals I have killed some some bugs. You've killed bug animals. Yeah, but bugs. I guess I get points for killing bugs. yeah They don't like you more. That's all you get.
Speaker: Yeah, if you kill a big animal, you get meat and other items, but if you kill a bug, you just get point one point one Yeah, but but if you do the thing where you pour molten ah metal down like an ant colony, you get an item. You get an item. Yeah, that's almost like a trophy.
Speaker: What do you get? Like kind of like the tunnels, but made out of metal. You know what I'm talking about? Deeply satisfying video. Let's watch. Do you want to watch the video? No, I think I think we just ah we just encourage people to check it out. I was joking.
Speaker: Look, watch, watch ants become deceased. Look up molten metal ant. Hurt ants, hurt ants with metal. Ants get hurt dot com.
Speaker: ah This is going be sad. It's not sad. I feel like I'm going to be sad. It's not. Doesn't have to be sad for me. I used to hate growing up when we would do this with herds of deer. Pour molten aluminum into the entire forest.
Speaker: You know what's crazy about this is that it doesn't look like it's pouring. It's just like... It looks like a piece that's kind of waving. Yeah. It looks like a tongue. Now it kind of looks like it's pouring. I was just going to say it looks like a tongue also, Matthew.
Speaker: We should definitely edit out the ants screaming. Yeah, i don't like that. Is that ant steam? Is that?
Speaker: It's gotta be right. Ants are full of steam. Yeah, well, now you lost all your molten ah lava dipwad because you poured it into the ground. you lost it.
Speaker: all right. The protagonist of the video is digging. They're being so weirdly careful like it's a dinosaur in there. It seems unnecessary.
Speaker: Just using only a hand trowel so far. yeah Now they're... Now they're lifting it. Lifting something. This one kind of sucks. No, this is the best one of all. It has 173 million views.
Speaker: This is the best one. He's about to clean it with a hose, power washer, after he lets it cool for a bit. And the ants are in the metal.
Speaker: They're okay. Thankfully, they let them know a couple weeks in advance. yeah They could get all their furniture out. Certainly interesting, right, Matthew? The structure? Yeah. Looks like a bunch of jacks. Yes. Yeah.
Speaker: What would he have done if it was ah if it was ah an ant colony the size of a dinosaur and he just kept having to melt more and more metal to put in there? It would have been really difficult to get it out without some kind of... had hundred feet down with the ant trail. And he needed a machine maybe.
Speaker: What if the ant colony was infinite? See, I don't like the fact this guy is doing this all he does often. He does it a lot. At a certain point, if he's not going out of his way to find places, he's just destroying the... He's the only guy destroying an ant population.
Speaker: This is wrong. Yeah, I mean, once you do it once, just say like, all right, that was an art project. Well, they have different shapes. This one kind of looks like a Christmas tree or something. They all little bit look like a Christmas tree.
Speaker: So genocide is okay if you get a a toy the end. I think honestly what people respond to the most with these anthill arts is the shininess of the metal and I think a stack of coins would be just as enticing to the enjoyers of anthill art.
Speaker: We're just a bust a bust. Yeah, a shiny bust bust of Beethoven. He has a web website, but it doesn't look like you can buy. You don't buy these.
Speaker: He just has them What are mushrooms? Go to the mushroom section. Yes. Oh, he just casts mushrooms. He dips it? Oh, he probably makes a cast and then pours it into the cast. Or a mold, right? That's what it's called, mold.
Speaker: Do you think he just purchases aluminum foil and then melts it? i mean, that's what I would do. He could probably just use a bunch of cans. Yeah, what if he used cans and he had to drink beer before he did this?
Speaker: What if? He would probably be like, ah mushrooms. Yeah, would be less coordinated. Yeah. It would probably lead to the crucible cracking just like earlier. But that's supposed to happen, isn't it? I don't know.
Speaker: i don't know anything about black. I don't know what a crucible is. A crucible is the place where you put the metal and then you crack open the crucible to get to the thing. ah think sounds right. It's okay with me.
Speaker: God had crucible? Crucible. Crucible fix. Crucible crucifix. It's like, oh, is this crucible or not? Right. Whether it could be crucified.
Speaker: Right. Right. Jesus was crucible. Jesus was insane insanely crucible. can we Yeah. Cruced. He was crucified. They only crucified him because his body looks like it might be good on a cross. It really does, right?
Speaker: Technically, it's getting better and better. Yeah. As the years go on, I feel like they're making him look more and more like, of course we crucified. it He could have been mute and people still would have hung him up.
Speaker: I would have hung him up faster. Yeah, this guy's quiet as a church mouse. Let's hang him. he said church church man Jesus, this guy's quiet as a church man.
Speaker: sos my but church but They were hicks back then, right? They were dumb as nails. Please crucify this guy. I like your hick voice. It's very Midwest. Oh, thanks.
Speaker: or Yeah, thanks. Crucifar. Help. Help me down off of this Don't lie. forsake me, God. Shit. Hello, I'm from the city.
Speaker: And we are here to kill you. i i am Judas, and I'm going to betray you later. Because I've read a book. I need my coins. More coins for me.
Speaker: need to go to the market. Meanwhile, you're died. You're dying. You're not suffering enough. Let's stab. Let's stab him. Let's stab you with this great spear. I found yes. You hurt by nails, right?
Speaker: Yeah, yeah. All kinds of stuff. The splinters the sun. he got a terrible sunburn while he was dying. He should have said something like that picked him as sunburned, but he was no he well he was red as a church mouse.
Speaker: Their eyes. um Thomas anything to plug? ah Just listen to Pendejo Time if you get a chance. um I think that's about it. Pendejo Time is super funny. Hosted by Thomas and Jake.
Speaker: and And we know for a fact that everyone in our audience has a chance. They can listen. yeah yeah We know for a fact they can. So they should. yes and Listen to Pendejo Time.
Speaker: And continue listening to this. Please continue listening. Listen to that. We always say this.
Speaker: You like actress, you like the most, you were being fiel for so long.
