Transcript
Speaker: All right, Chamber Reason, season two, episode number, i would say 42? think we're on 40, solid 40. Solid 40, wow. Double digits then, we got to double digits.
Speaker: We doubled a score, right? A 20 is a score, huh? You just know that because of Lincoln, right? Lincoln put me on that shit. I think that was just a personal thing. I don't think anybody ever called it a score except for that guy. he kind of snuck an inside joke into that little speech.
Speaker: Four score. That's the joke, right? Yeah. Growing up, I used to say shit like score. Score. Whenever Lincoln would get a $20 bill, he'd say score.
Speaker: Yep. He was on the 20 when Lincoln was a boy. Oh, some caveman probably. Yeah, right? Wait, who was on the penny when Lincoln was a boy? Or who was on the five? It blank.
Speaker: It was a faceless man. They knew it was going to be a bloke and a leader. Who was the guy made out of marble in that big chair where Lincoln sits now? Yeah, right. That was an empty chair, yeah.
Speaker: Again, it was just a stick figure. We hope that American history simply develops. I hope. One can only hope. Yeah, as soon as we started the transatlantic slave trade, we started to build a bunch of empty monuments to the person who would eventually free them.
Speaker: Someone good will go here. For now, let's just say that this is a socially acceptable crime against humanity, but soon there'll be someone to save these poor poor blokes.
Speaker: This one will be a war criminal. Well, recognized as one later on. later on But a hero in a few years. The Museum of of Tolerance was built and conceptualized well before the Holocaust. Yeah.
Speaker: We know that technology is developing rapidly and there's going to be crimes against humanity on a scale never before seen or seen, honestly. But it'll be different.
Speaker: Well, not too different. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of interesting. Every time Amber is pouring slowly from a tree in a swamp or something, that is kind of a blank museum for whatever creature wants to get trapped in it and become a fossil.
Speaker: Yeah, are you interested in posterity? Just head on in. it's a portal to the It's a portal to eternity. And you would think it would be more sophisticated or it would have more gooey lights, but it's really just pure goo.
Speaker: Well, fascinatingly, i mean, we today are dealing with a topic that is sort of a technologically advanced portal to eternity. That's a blank at first and until it has something in it. Yes.
Speaker: The microwave oven. Today's episode is about the microwave oven. It's interesting to talk about a dollar with no figure on it or Lincoln Memorial with no Lincoln on it or a museum of tolerance with no ah pieces of evidence from the Holocaust in it. That is what the museum of tolerance is about, right? The Holocaust?
Speaker: I believe exclusively that. That's the one thing they are advocating that we tolerate. Holocaust. Right. They don't make it clear what is to be tolerated.
Speaker: But you shouldn't put nothing in the microwave. Going back to one second to something really funny. It really should be the Museum of Intolerance because it's encouraging you to be intolerant of the Holocaust.
Speaker: Right. Well, and it's also, it's celebrating the things that were made possible through human intolerance, not the things that were made possible through human tolerance. Right. Yeah, that would have led no, that wouldn't have created history. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: A museum of actual tolerance would be like boring. Yeah. Has there ever been an effort as sweeping as the final solution, but made possible through tolerance? Tolerance doesn't leave any permanent effects.
Speaker: so Because it's just like holding a hand, saying something sweet to somebody, a nod and a smile from across the street, letting you know that it's safe to cross. Mm hmm.
Speaker: Yeah. Moments of tolerance. I mean, honestly, the Cambrian explosion was probably the last great moment of tolerance that that accomplished something. But ever since the burst of ah life and cooperation and and elements and molecules linking up together to become more cooperative, tolerance is just kind of like fate. Every year it gets less and less interesting, the act of tolerance. Yeah.
Speaker: That's why people are so critical of folks who say let's all hold hands in a circle and sing Kumbaya. Because, ah you know, warmongers will say, first of all, the song is and uninteresting, but it doesn't accomplish much. oh and it doesn't It's nice to live in a world of tolerance and ah light and warmth and and hope.
Speaker: But Nothing really happens. We don't want that world because it's so good. It also doesn't have any museums. There's no point in going to see all the great tragedies that have occurred throughout time because they don't exist in this tolerant world.
Speaker: Maybe we truly could commemorate and like respect and honor evil in a, in a real way. If we lived in a tolerance and happy place. Right now we're so like, I don't know, I feel like we all are so ambivalent about evil. Like we know that it gets us going and gets us moving through history, but it gets us mad. It gives us the heebie-jeebies.
Speaker: It gets us pissed as fuck. Evil creates more evil. Hurt people hurt people. I think we should just ignore it. I mean, everyone says that, oh, like, you know, learn from history, not to repeat it. I think if we didn't have any historians or any museums, we would probably forget about all this crap and just move on. Nothing bad would happen again.
Speaker: I mean, trying to get when whenever something happens and someone says this will go into the history of books or this belongs in a museum, that's that is people sort of speaking on behalf of the evil hearts of all men. Like, don't talk. Don't invoke history books or museums.
Speaker: That's just where we put evidence of evil and crimes. It's like saying this belongs in a prison. This is going in the book. The only counter example people ever say is like, oh, yeah, space. When we went to space, it's like, okay, that's the one thing.
Speaker: But even then, I mean, space is dead and empty and scary. Who cares? I agree. If it wasn't for that moon, I feel like there'd be little reason to get out there. The moon is kind of ah a draw for you. It's a node. Yeah.
Speaker: It's something to land on. If I were committing an unspeakable act of evil, I think I would not want it to go in the history books. There are so many serial killers, I think, who are thinking about posterity.
Speaker: School shooters. i mean, all of the greats tend to be thinking about posterity. Any of those guys that do like spirographs or whatever and leave little notes for people, they want to go into the history books.
Speaker: But there's a lot of like just average Joe, like working serial killers that keep their nose down and just stick to the work. Did Jack the Ripper self-identify as that um pseudonym or did they just call him that? Because if he didn't pick that, then he really was. He really just murdered for the love of the game and never never had him never had his photo taken, really.
Speaker: no one knows his real name. Have you guys seen Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer? that's what that uh does he a um a sickle in that film i don't remember choice he uses different things i think okay but ah it's it's really interesting to me because it i mean to me ah it's like a comedy because it's not like an evil man well i guess it is but it's sort of a depiction of a serial killer as like a basically like sociopathy as like a cognitive disability like he just kind of seems like he's killing people because he's a moron who can't imagine their in their inner life and that's just kind of part of being a moron is like yeah yeah being cruel and slaughtering people
Speaker: I think most people who bother anyone, and and obviously there's a spectrum, getting killed by a moron is one of the most bothersome things that can happen to you, but there are yeah there are less bothersome things that still you know ah and can still be described as such. I feel like it all comes from a place of just deeply dull ah boredom and and distemper.
Speaker: Even evil, even like the most evil people, I think, are just a little bit stir crazy. Yeah. Yeah, people want to be killed by a genius, right? That's why they like Hannibal Lecter or whatever that guy is. That's how you romanticize it.
Speaker: yeah That's how you feel better about getting killed. You're like, all right, well, he's probably a genius. All right, at least I'm project. Taken apart. Yeah, this is progress. probably is a really cool, interesting reason for putting my brain in the fridge.
Speaker: And then even when it's a genius, you know, the psychologists come in and they're like, no, he did not kill you for a smart reason. He killed you because he looked like his mother. Sorry. Sorry. psychologists always call up the ghost of the dead guy and they say, look I hate to break it to you. i have worse news than you being killed. You were killed for almost no reason. yeah What happened to you Wasn't smart. This guy is wasn't as smart as you thought.
Speaker: but He was saying splish splash when he was like ripping your blood out of your body. He acted smart while you were alive. He put on a good show of it. But as soon as you passed away, the the act was off.
Speaker: Yeah, he reverted back to sort of pencil chewing, ah just bad breath, mouth breathing. Yeah, shirt chewing. Chewing. Just chewing.
Speaker: Just chewing his drawstrings on his hoodie. He was a big chewer. This is why guys like us don't want to be killed because we're so bright that we know it's unlikely that ah someone smarter than us is going to kill us. So that's why we really avoid it.
Speaker: If you recognize, if you spend just enough time with, the I mean, honestly, with enough Americans, you'll meet one of these classic sort of dullard, chewing, amer I want to say chewing, ah an American chewer.
Speaker: And then you start to really internalize the belief, kill or be killed. If you spend enough time with a chewer at the DMV, you think, think this person might just kill me. Well, not, I don't want to kill them, but it would be a shame. Well, you said kill or be killed.
Speaker: So you kind of want to kill them because they're so annoying. No, it's ah it's a matter of, um it's yeah, it's be killed or kill, I think, is how how I'm now trying to position it. When you imagine the possibility of someone killing you, you start to think, well, I'd prefer to kill smart guy did it.
Speaker: Right, yeah. When a guy's being wildly annoying in the same room as you, you think, this is killing me. Here is actually my first question that I found on No Stupid Questions. Again, this is the microwave oven episode, not the ah serial killer mental deficit episode.
Speaker: And the title, Matthew, you can read this one and let me find the body of this. um Why don't you start with the title, Matthew? All right, while you find the body, I'll simply read the title slowly.
Speaker: So this is a question submitted by Pierce Campion. I accidentally microwaved a fly for a whole minute. It flew away unbothered.
Speaker: How? What is happening to that dude internally? Not like emotionally. Why are his little fly organs not irradiated or so hot they are melting?
Speaker: Did he sit in the cold spot of the microwave and just chill? Let me reread that. I think I said microwave. Did I? I did. Did he sit in the cold spot of the microwave and just chill?
Speaker: Did the microwave recreate the fly version of Hisashi Uchi? Is that right? don't won't overthink this. Will the little guy be okay? I did not do this on purpose. I would not want to harm the poor thing in what one assumes would be an excruciating death.
Speaker: I was heating simply some leftover ribs, and it must have been sitting on without me noticing. Please don't microwave flies, guys. Alright, why do we think the fly was able to fly away after being microwaved for a whole minute on ribs?
Speaker: It was sitting in the cold spot, like you said. He was right about that. There is a cold spot of a microwave. It just shoots out. it It shoots out rays. I mean, that's why microwaves have the rotating plate is because it's not perfectly even. It's not 100% microwave power throughout the whole thing.
Speaker: He could probably sense the fly. I'll project some agency on him. He could probably sense a little bit of heat and he went to a cold spot and he was okie dokie. Yeah, I bet as soon as it turned on, he was like, this is getting a bit hosty for me.
Speaker: But do flies even regard temperature? i feel like they say there's mosquitoes in the in Alaska, ah and they're also in Africa. Yeah, they say. They say that.
Speaker: But it seems like mosquitoes, and there's there those are skinny little nymphs, and flies even have some more meat on their bones. I feel like, ah well, ah it just seems to me that a fly could basically live in any temperature and that they don't really care one way or the other.
Speaker: Sometimes when you hit a fly, it really pops, doesn't it? They got some meat on their bone. They have red in there. It's so nasty. um flies have their own blood?
Speaker: Insects have their own blood. It's not oxygenated, though, I don't think. Okay. Oh, why not? maybe it is. It might have some kind of iron in it. I think all blood needs to have some conductive metal in it.
Speaker: ah Like, for example, horseshoe crabs have blue cupric blood, and we use it for vaccines. Let's take a look at flies. ah Well, just insect blood briefly. What was the best ah insect you guys ever smashed?
Speaker: um That's a really good question. You have in mind, I'm sure. One time i was ah i was like in Silver Lake. This is really kind of weird. I was in Silver Lake and I heard something go past my head.
Speaker: And I kind of reacted and like swatted my arm back and I hit the wall that was behind me and I hurt my hand. And when I looked down on the ground, there was a dragonfly.
Speaker: So without seeing it, I had smashed a dragonfly up against a wall. I've never seen a dragonfly in LA besides that one time. There was one dragonfly and I killed it by accident.
Speaker: You've never seen a dragonfly in LA except that one time? don't think so. Are they around? Oh, yeah. I'll show you all the spots. Cool, man. Take me there. Yeah. Where are they at? The L.A. swamps?
Speaker: Yeah, bodies of water there. I've seen many. Must have came from the reservoir. Oh, yeah. You spent some time around there, huh? But Matthew, when there are less insects now than there were when you were a child. That's true. That's true. Based on windshields.
Speaker: Based on windshields, yeah. It's purely a conjecture based on windshields, I believe. No, I think that there's habitat destruction that that can be traced to the death of insects.
Speaker: There is habitat destruction, but the actual the like claim that there are fewer insects in world is purely based on windshield statistics. Right. you're You're right that no one's going around counting them. People are just using their windshields as a as a little gut test.
Speaker: Now, I have a pretty good answer to the best bug I ever smashed. and you know, I've already been on record as saying that I used to torture ants when I was a child. This is another thing I did when I was a child when I was visiting Oklahoma. And can you smashed the rat with your helmet, right?
Speaker: Well, that was a mercy kill. I did not. i That rat was already in pain and and begging to be executed. i mean, truly, it was paralyzed. he It looked like he was leaking cerebral spinal fluid from his head. so he You're not on trial here. I was just verifying you did smash a rat with your helmet, your bike helmet. No, I just want everyone to know I was torturing ants for pleasure, and as an adult, I was mercy killing a mammal. That's normal.
Speaker: Pierce, that story you tell about you killing a fox, was that a mercy kill? ah You mean when I caught up with that fox? oh Yeah, where you smashed the fox.
Speaker: You mean when I caught up with that fucking fox finally? wait, you wanted the pelt, that's all. That makes it okay. Right. No, i that Matthew's joking, I've never heard a fox. Never even caught up to a fox. there They get away. But when i was ah when I used to visit Oklahoma, there's a lot of what my family over there used to call locusts, but what I think are just like very large um grasshoppers.
Speaker: And I would just walk away from whatever family gathering was happening in the 98 degree dry heat. um I must have been like six or seven years old and just pick up rocks and throw them as hard as I could at the large grasshoppers. And I mean, it was awesome. They would...
Speaker: they would crackle. I mean, it was like hitting a turt it was like hitting a tortoise shell. They have thick shells. The crackle's nice. Have you ever caught up to one of those cicada shells that's stuck on a tree after they molt and you just smash it with hand? Oh, yeah. And just really smash it. Nice and crunchy. And that's even better because if you're a little empathetic, you're not taking a life. That's just the shell. You're not taking a It's all Oh, there is something about...
Speaker: When they shed their skin, there is like that little rounded part of the eye that's still on the shell. And it's like, damn, did you get new eyes? That's gotta hurt. Yeah. One time I saw a pair of cicadas that had been run over by a car just to, you know, look, cars are definitely massacring.
Speaker: But two cicadas that were mating and they died coitus. They were still stuck together. And I gave that to my high school girlfriend as a gift. Oh, isn't that And you said this is what we should do.
Speaker: We should try this. Let's fuck in the road. It's 69 on the tarmac. I have an answer. And I know this is not an insect, but I feel like spiritually or maybe not spiritually, but I feel like it constitutes ah an answer.
Speaker: ah I killed a a snail with salt. Oh, have you guys done that? No. Did it rise? I think I did it once when I was a kid.
Speaker: It just rapidly dehydrated. it like just turned into like a crispy like calamari. Yeah. I remember. Oh, maybe it was like a slug actually that I did too. And it melted.
Speaker: That's what it does. It like loses its... um ah Shape. Yeah. It melts. yeah Damn, that's so sick.
Speaker: It's really sad. Those are the most innocent animals ever. I just did it. I was like, I was being babysat somewhere and the the person had a garden and they said, the snails are killing my garden. Can you put salt on them?
Speaker: I didn't know that it would kill the snail. You thought it would discourage the snail. I was just like, yeah, you salt the snails and that helps the garden. ah Was it the first life you took? Remember taking?
Speaker: ah It was the first life I took myself and I was very sensitive to these things. I was a vegetarian as a kid. But the first the first life I remember being kind of responsible for taking. i mean, it was really a massacre.
Speaker: I, you know, we had these spiders in our home. and one of them had, I guess, like an egg or something or eggs. I don't remember a big egg. And asked my dad about it and he said, oh, it's really interesting. There's millions of spiders in this egg.
Speaker: You want to see? And I said, yeah. oh Right. You told me this. Yes. And he took an exacto knife and he made a very precise long slice in the egg and all of the baby spiders poured out all over the floor and you know got a few feet and then just sort of passed away yeah withered they were preemies right they were preemies yeah so yeah i was responsible for the massacre of thousands of preemies
Speaker: I was obsessed with praying mantises as a kid, and I remember there was ah we saw a mantis on our back deck one day, and I knew it was a female because when I would try to bother it, it wouldn't fly away. And that's how you know they're females, because the females can't fly because their abdomens are so thick with material. That's your experience with females.
Speaker: Mm-hmm. um and so I put it in this little ah area where I knew it would probably lay its eggs. and It did lay its eggs. Its eggs are called an uthica, an egg sac. The way the praying mantis eggs hatch is that the nymphs ah just kind of slide out on a tiny little strip of membrane, and then they very slowly molt into their first instar, which is just a slightly bigger nymph.
Speaker: And I remember once I saw the egg sack, I was like, this was my dream my dream. I had been reading praying mantis books for like years as a kid. And i was like, I'm going to see this hatch. This is going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Speaker: And I remember bringing it inside so that I would be there when it would hatch. And then it literally never hatched after like a month. And so I just cut it up open one day and it was empty. And I still don't know what happened with that.
Speaker: I think my my enthusiasm somehow somehow interrupted the process. When you want a baby. When you want a baby, you don't get one.
Speaker: who Maybe it was a sympathetic pregnancy. maybe Maybe the way I was handling the female praying mantis so deftly made her just have a pregnancy. She just experienced that.
Speaker: It must be orgasmic to have sort of like a giant godlike creature with soft, non-pinsir-like... What are these fingers? Pads, yeah. Caressing you with its yeah with its soft, oily pads.
Speaker: What did you say? You said ghost pregnancy? is that what you said? Sympathetic pregnancy. Sympathetic pregnancy. What does that expression mean? just means you get pregnant by vibes? I think it's like you see somebody else get pregnant and you're like, I'll have some of that.
Speaker: your body Your body just kicks into pregnancy mode. Your body creates a bump. I think they used to call it hysterical pregnancies, but now when it happens, they say sympathetic pregnancy. But it is. Your body is... It's like phantom limb. Your body's experiencing a womb that... A hollow womb that is... But there's baby stuff going on in your life. You get a lot of the symptoms of pregnancy. You get morning sickness.
Speaker: You get ah all these other bodily changes. You even eventually give birth to a child. But it is not... real it's not to be taken seriously it sort of has a dotted outline no inner life no mind it will continue to grow it'll it's something called olive zombie but a philosophical zombie Mm.
Speaker: Right. what if his What are the other P-zombies? It's like an unborn child, a comatose patient. am i Am I correct in this? Is that what those are? No, just any anybody you you think doesn't have an internal life.
Speaker: Oh, I see. we could all be P-zombies if you choose to think of it this way. Man, if you get bit by a P-zombie, you turn into one. Yeah, why is biting the way to make someone not have an inner life?
Speaker: That's why you're not supposed to breastfeed the offspring of a sympathetic pregnancy. The mother mother will turn into a pea zombie. You're supposed to use formula only.
Speaker: Only a man only ah a person with XY chromosomes can breastfeed ah a sympathetic child. Just because they they're only allowed to drink no milk. Yeah, they they can only drink absence of milk.
Speaker: That's what gives them the the nutrients they need. Right. um Damn, it would be so sick if you could give an insect a sympathetic pregnancy, though. I'm just thinking about that right now. Like, caressing a praying mantis until it experiences a sympathetic pregnancy and lays an empty egg sac.
Speaker: Derek, until you said that, it hadn't occurred to me that maybe I did experience some kind of folktale. I mean, I was really rubbing on her. i mean, I guess as a kid, we all kind of think that that's how babies are born. It's just like, well, I'm sure that there's no baby in there, but it's getting big because she has so much love. For dad. breasts are getting bigger. Yeah, dad is loving her so much that her breasts are getting bigger and her belly's getting bigger. And that's all because of dad's love.
Speaker: i didn't i ah That was the only thing I knew about pregnancy when I was a kid, that the breasts get bigger. And then eventually when I was older, they pointed people like adults pointed out to me. and There's like the belly actually gets bigger too for the baby.
Speaker: But I was just depressed. You know, it's really too bad. It's it's remarkable that there's no way. There's no equivalent for pregnant people.
Speaker: You know, when there's like a someone who you think might be ah fake Santa Claus and you pull the beard and then it's actually a real beard. There's no there's no test.
Speaker: that you can do to find out if someone's pregnant versus fat there's nothing you can pull there's no there's no way to tell if someone's pregnant using science or or yanking just yanking really ynankking oh just yeah yanking or study them if you can grab hold of their the baby feet that's something you can yank yeah you think it's fake feet dangling from the the vulva you're not really pregnant This is like a Santa's beard. oh That's just a dangling decoration.
Speaker: but um When the baby's feet are kind of kicking outside of the vagina, it means it's dreaming of running. Yes. Sometimes it can jump in a dream. All right, Derek, here's a question for you. Microwave question.
Speaker: Do Americans actually microwave water instead of boiling it? Three question marks. I'm talking to my girlfriend right now, and she's an American, and told me that no one, like, puts water on the stove or in a kettle, but just microwaves it for coffee and hot chocolate. Do you guys actually do that?
Speaker: Edit. Shout out to all the Americans getting insulted by a question, LMAO. Well, guys, should we answer this? I mean, you just you just microwaved a cup, didn't you, Derek?
Speaker: Well, microwaved a cup from 7-Eleven, so... so That's a little bit different. But if I were making coffee, I would use a kettle. What is the difference?
Speaker: I mean, there can't be anything wrong with just microwaving your water. I think it's mostly bybe Yeah, it's an aesthetic difference. I think that's what it is. People don't want science water making constituting a rustic beverage.
Speaker: am i right people are scared of the waves too even people who understand that microwaves will not hurt you it's like being afraid of flying on a plane even though you know it's safe think people yeah i guess like a kettle has more exact control over temperature like it goes right up to boiling and then stops and you know you get to hear the bubbling it's tactically satisfying if you have a gooseneck kettle like i do It's nice you know to pour it over the teabag or into the you know coffee filter or whatever. And do you know what? The other thing is that you can hear... i think this is another thing. I've said science water and rustic beverage, but the other thing is that hot water sounds different than room temp water when it's poured.
Speaker: And if you microwave water, you don't pour it. So you miss out on that little... like That sort of frothy, ticklish sound. Yes, yes. But that you guys know what I mean? The water actually sounds different when it's hot.
Speaker: And I learned that from a blind guy. And cold water with ice cubes also sounds different. Yeah, it has it's not a crackle per se, but what is that and what is the sound of not jingling?
Speaker: Clinking. Clinking. But even still, though, what about like plastic toys in ah in a water? Or like plastic balls? That's not clinking.
Speaker: Clunking? we just talking about i said different sounds now, or what? What's going on? What is what do you call for when what do you call all the like rubber duckies in your bath, in your cold bath, when they...
Speaker: when they sort of each other and they make their bumping noises. Yeah. they sort of tap. What call that? or Or if you squeeze them, they make a um squeaking noise, right? Yes. I'm not talking about rubber duckies. I'm talking about plastic balls about yay big in a bucket of water. What is the sound those plastic balls make? It's not clinking.
Speaker: No, it's like a tapping. It's soft. It's soft. No, tapping is too deliberative. It's too attack too human. Yeah. I think it is clunking. They're clunking around. No, that's too metal. Clapping is too percussive.
Speaker: Clanking is metal. What say? Clunking? Yeah. They're not clunking. it's That's also metal. it's too What about clopping? Clopping is the closest so far. Clipping's too small.
Speaker: And it's also too metal. It's like kind of a soft, hollow, plastic-y kind of tap. punk But you're right, the tap has some agency to it. So not that. They're thunking, but it's it's higher pitched. So, I mean, I would say thinking if that weren't already a word. They're thinking. They're thinking. They're actually thinking.
Speaker: ah yeah Wow. Or like jingling is a word, but it's like a little bit hollower than that. So they're kind of jungling. They're jungling. Yeah. The balls are jungling around.
Speaker: Planking. They're kind of like plonking. Plinko. So they're kind of plonking. think it is plonking. Plonking. Wait, isn't plonker like a British slur?
Speaker: Yeah, but what does it mean? Does everything mean pedophile over there? I feel like everything. Yeah. It's like the 50 words for snow or whatever, like, you know, in those cultures. ah i think I think a plonker means like a fool, which is a pedophile. you're You've got to be foolish to be attracted to kids. Duh. I guess. Buddy, I'm simply mistaken.
Speaker: What's your favorite color?
Speaker: Pedophiles can't help but attract children just because of the questions that they find interesting. If pedophiles were smarter, they would ask smarter questions that would delight adults. But they say, what do you think of the bus driver?
Speaker: What did you learn in school today? You're not supposed to care with it. Even as a kid, you find that question dull. So you've got to be really dullard as an adult to ask and be interested in what did you learn in school today?
Speaker: Just leave me alone. only people who ask that are the are the overt pedophiles of the society. Parents. um What else do Americans do? You know what? i just ah I was talking to someone today or the other day about something that Americans do that that a lot of that shocks the rest of the world, and it's smiling.
Speaker: I think Americans are so smile-pilled that we do come across as kind of like just psychotic clowns. just ah It's not just just Americans. But yeah Americans, I think Americans do it more forcefully. And like when people say Americans smile too much, they're really contrasting them with like Eastern Europeans and Germans and Brits.
Speaker: But there, I think, um, you know, uh, I think people in India smile a lot. Thai people smile a lot. But I think Americans smile in sort of like a self-optimizing way, like a how to win friends and influence people type networking smile or the like kind of manifesting smile. Like we've all heard that thing of like, if you smile, the brain actually releases happy chemicals and you will be happy just from smiling. People do that. Yeah, Americans have a very selfish smile. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. Have you guys been to Australia? Do australia do white Australians smile? The white ones do. Well, actually, I don't know. Never been. I mean i knew like i know I know a few Australians who are very funny and kind, but actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it's hard to make them smile in my mind.
Speaker: But anyway, I wonder if Americans smile so much because they're one of the first white colonies. and obviously, America is a melting pot. But I guess I'm talking about when people talk about American smile too much. I think they're is that they're comparing they're comparing white Americans to white Europeans and saying that like most most white people that I know in Europe are very solemn and morose and very subtle, whereas the white Americans are very boisterous and over the top and they smile a lot. I think it's just because that's what happens when you when white people get out of that cloudy, muddy, wet, horrible cul-de-sac, that horrible third place, and then they get to the this this place that's kind of sunny the
Speaker: sometimes not because even has a Grand Canyon as soon as they got to California it was all smiles I think you're I think that's kind of part of it you get to California you can't help but smile well just because it's so bright he likes kind of squint in your eyes and it like kind of you starts a squint you start to smile and then you're like fuck it let's go to Six Flags I guess I'm happy. I guess it released endorphins.
Speaker: Let's go on coaster. Squinting's another manifesting thing. Like, ah just act like you can see something and eventually you'll see it. Yeah. Squinting is like smizing on crack.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. Yes. Thank you. Jerking off is kind of just sex manifesting. It's just like if you pretend that you're touching, if you pretend that someone else is touching you, you you will come.
Speaker: It'll release happy chemicals. Yeah. right happy uh i'm not i'm no one likes me i'm an incel i can't get laid just jerk off because if you jerk off your body will think that you're having sex it never tricks me it never i never get fooled i've never come hours and i yeah nothing ever happens i'm not coming there's no one here ah Masturbation is sort of like the sympathetic pregnancy, but for coming. Yes, you give birth to it. You give birth to semen when you when you come all over your pillow or whatever you're doing.
Speaker: Is that what you say? You're like, ah this is this isn't a child. No, I say it is. just It was a ghost. Oh, you do say it's a child. Yeah. When you come in your child, oh you say it's a child. I say it Yeah, but I don't treat it like one. right Yeah, I'll just say this for a second.
Speaker: Let me just say one thing. It's a joke between me and the stain for a moment. You're my baby! then I just wipe it away. Wait, that is a funny bit. I mean, there are so few things that we can do to make ourselves laugh when we're completely alone, but one thing you can do is treat your jizz load like it's your child before you throw it in the trash or the toilet. And what is it about... I feel like...
Speaker: I feel like it has to be the same material. The clear part of semen has to be the clear part of an egg. It has to be. like that That has to be the exact same chemical or or compound.
Speaker: I mean, it does kind of become like poached egg when it's in water. when or hot water, right, yeah. Hot water. But there's something on an egg that's not that sticky, but maybe there's just some other sticky ingredient in cum that, like glue.
Speaker: Have you guys ever come into like ah hot grease? Like, you know, fri fry that shit up? No, but you could probably just make like a nice little morsel, right? If you came into hot grease. And then you kind of and you can do what's that special omelet called that you need other chopsticks to make?
Speaker: The Japanese omelet that you ah slice open and that kind of spills out. You know what i'm talking about. You should actually do this. I mean, maybe we should come into ah hot oil and cook it up and we can actually release pictures of that for our ah Patreon subscribers, the people who pay.
Speaker: Our morsels. We could just do a taste test of each of our three morsels so we don't have to eat each other's morsels. We each try our own. and we I know, Matthew. I think I'm having a better experience than you are.
Speaker: I think a taste test would kind of involve one person having all three. Yeah. I would only eat all three if we all ate all three, which means that we'd all need to produce three loads into a pan. It would sort of like the Pepsi challenge. Would we all be down to eat each other's fried? It's fried. It's not like it's... I mean, I like fried food. said, not me. I said, we're getting outside third party have all three. makes sense to could probably find someone on... I mean, how...
Speaker: i think How disgusting would it be if we could find a Craigslist pervert to eat three cums? That would be disgusting. if someone What? It would reflect badly on us if we had if somebody else did it? No, not at all.
Speaker: I don't think it would reflect badly on anyone, to be honest. It wouldn't reflect. But I do think we should ask patron, because I think our patrons would be interested, or some, right? I don't want someone who has a parasocial relationship with us to eat our cum in any situation. I mean, even if it is fried, I feel like there's just something inherently sexual about swallowing someone's jizz.
Speaker: And so that would be wrong because it's sexual? that has to be someone yeah That's classic American puritanical thing. Oh, sex. Oh, because it's sexual. It's got to be. no, no. no i'm not saying because it's sexual. It's going to be sexual no matter what. I'm just saying I don't want someone who knows us or feels like they knows us to be eating our cum. I don't even want the person. That's romantic.
Speaker: um don't even want the person who's doing it to know they're eating our cum. Like, would be better if we sort of- Oh, you want to discreetly feed jizz. We should all discreetly feed jizz to a stranger, because that's sort like a blind study, right? That would actually make more sense.
Speaker: We should discreetly feed each of our three modes to a hungry stranger and see which one they like best. Which one makes them feel full? but How do you discreetly record a hungry stranger that's being made to taste test three different things? And how do you make sure to give them a palate cleanser in such a way as to not ah get the jig up?
Speaker: And like, wait a minute, why am I getting pickled ginger in between these morsels? Are you? Yeah, wait, pickled ginger is normally a palate cleanser for cum. That's the food that takes away the cum taste. Why are they giving me that?
Speaker: wait hey. Wait a second. Hey now. Okay. So we find someone who doesn't um enjoy the podcast, who doesn't really find it interesting or compelling.
Speaker: Someone who has no opinion on it. Yeah. Yeah. but won't be hard. think You think it won't be hard? Well, I just mean statistically. Derek's just saying he won't be hard for the challenge.
Speaker: That's him sort of withdrawing at the outset. Statistically, yeah. Statistically, i mean, statistically, I won't be hard. Yeah. Likewise. I'm mostly not hard in this life. That sucks.
Speaker: Yep. Getting hard is the exception that proves the rule. The exception that proves this rules. Yeah. who An erection does prove this rules.
Speaker: This is awesome. Too easy. Unless it's a narb. What's that? He has ever seen narb growing up? No. No apparent reason boner.
Speaker: Whoa. The kinds you get class. And that's called a narb. We used to call them narbs. I would get them in class, but there often was a reason. Yeah. Just like when you just have a spasm, an involuntary spasm. For a brief flash, I know why I'm doing that.
Speaker: For a second, and then you forget. You forget it like a dream. Why the heck did my finger do that? i mean, is this too cerebral? du Does everyone know what I'm talking about when I say sometimes I know why I'm spasming for a brief second and forget like a dream?
Speaker: it makes sense to me. You do know. as I mean, insofar as you're doing it. I don't know what you're saying. What? and yeah brain I'll call myself out and say, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're spasming. And then you said something about get like a shiver.
Speaker: If you get like a shiver, but you're not sure that there's no, there's nothing you can do to explain it. As you're shivering, you are conscious in some nonverbal way of the source, I think.
Speaker: I feel. and And then you have amnesia. Yes. Yes. Right. It's like any other sort of magical deja vu or touching God. think it's like a trauma response. When you have a shiver, it's sort of so horrifying that you want to forget it as soon as possible.
Speaker: Yeah. chills. P shivers are the same way. Mm-hmm. I find that I give people the chills. I give people pee shivers in public restrooms.
Speaker: I'll be peeing at the urinal and everyone next to me, I'll be fine. Everyone next to me will have pee shivers. Do you guys do that? Do you guys have the pee shivers? Do you say it?
Speaker: Do you go, oh, oh. who I mean, kind of you have to suppress it, right? We've probably all been in a public restroom where there was a guy who started pissing and went, oh, yeah.
Speaker: Absolutely, yeah. How's that feel, buddy? Are you having a good time? I never do the surreptitious glance at the other guy's dick. I mean, usually you can't even see it um just because of the blockers. No matter how hard you try.
Speaker: matter how hard you try. But i I very rarely do that surreptitious glance. But in this case, I did because the guy was really manhandling his dick. i mean, I know a lot of guys get like pee shyness or have like issues where they can't get it all out.
Speaker: But this guy, he peed for a bit. And then he manually was pushing out the P as in he would like grass like toothpaste.
Speaker: Yes, like toothpaste, exactly like toothpaste. He grasped the base of his shaft and squeezed to the tip. And he just did this several times. It was like he was slowly like jacking it out.
Speaker: Yeah. And Yeah, I mean, I saw i I glanced and there were like drops that he was forcing out, but I've never seen that approach. I mean, I've like wiped my tip with like a little square of paper.
Speaker: ah But you done have you done that Pierce? I usually do it if um if I've recently ejaculated and I need to get the pee through the tunnel of love. So the piece sort of getting trapped in traffic, then it's time to like do the squeak, the toothpaste method.
Speaker: That makes sense. For me, it's sort of like ah when you get gas at the, you know, I just stick the wiener back in the butthole where it goes. h a Like a pin in the inkwell. That's what I do.
Speaker: And then it doesn't matter if little drops come out because that place is already filthy. Right. It just gets recirculated. That's good, yeah. Yeah, docking your penis back in its little holster is always good. And the holster is just, I like the idea that yours is your anus, but it also would be cool if you had, just like in a gas station, like if you could put your penis in a holster right next to your bed or something.
Speaker: Just like, um maybe I just had sex, maybe I just pissed, but now I'm just going to plug it in just like i've I filled her filled up the tank. And then until next time, I can just swipe it out.
Speaker: Put my card in swipe it out. I mean, I've always fantasized about a mattress that that has like a hole in it in the middle. so that Because i sleep I'm a face-down sleeper. Not even fuck it. Just just put it there.
Speaker: Put it there, and that way you're not crunching it or whatever. Crunching it. What? Why is that so hard to sleep? Your penis ah is always getting crunched and your balls are always getting torsioned by your legs. It's insane. One time Matthew hooked me up but with a sleep mask in Maine and it did wonders for me.
Speaker: But ever since then, I've tried to use sleep masks, but I got some low quality ones or something because they always fall off. I like the idea of a sleep mask a lot. They're just rinky dink. They're Amazons. Hmm.
Speaker: What do you think about this for hong kong for comedy purposes? ah A sleep mask, but it's like a Halloween mask. Anything? For comedy purposes? Yeah.
Speaker: I had a sketch idea that I pitched to my friend Natalie about a sleep mask, and it's a guy. She said she was going to LA to work in a writer's room. I said, okay, here's what you do. On your first day in the writer's room, you walk in wearing a sleep mask,
Speaker: And you say, sorry, I'm late. Traffic was crazy. The joke being that you drove you drove there and you forgot to take off your sleep mask. And then you say, and I'm drunk. I'm drunk too and sleepy.
Speaker: But the second beat to wearing a sleep mask all the way on your morning commute is that you go to the, now you have to be a man. You go into the toilet and take your penis out to pee.
Speaker: And you say to the guy next to you, ah, forgot to take my condom off from last night. Don't you hate that? So it's a guy who doesn't realize that things are on him. And he doesn't ever take them off. Can you pee inside of a condom?
Speaker: yeah I think you can pee inside of a condom. You should try that. It would be like a water balloon, I guess. It would fill up, yeah. I guess what I'm asking is, do you think you'd have enough push?
Speaker: Do you think you'd have enough push to keep filling it up? Or do you think that at a certain point you'd just be straining your muscles and the pee wouldn't be coming out and would feel awful and you'd get an infection? I think it's very easy to get an infection by doing that. And I don't have a strong stream at all. I probably would only be able to fill up the reservoir. Then I'd have to fucking rip that condom off and go to the real toilet the real way.
Speaker: The real way. Well, so you're talking about peeing while fully erect? no No, no. I think just in a condom. While fully erect, there's no way I'm going to get ah the this force I need.
Speaker: It probably would infect all the sores on our penises, right? cause it Definitely yours, yeah. yeah i think Actually, I think you would be able to pee fully erect if you had a sounding like a hollow sounding rod inserted. Yes. Because the only thing keeping you from from pissing when erect is like the ah you know it's constricting.
Speaker: I believe. So if you have the sounding right, you'll be okay. but When I was a child and I had a and i had like a childhood erection, i remember my pee would go farther. But that's not true these days.
Speaker: yeah my Oh, it's like when you like you put your thumb over the end of a hose? Yeah. Maybe not that, but it definitely just had a... It was like a elongating a ah sniper barrel or something.
Speaker: Yeah. But guess that doesn't make it go farther. Well, yeah, I had a much bigger dick when I was a kid, too. What happened, man? I don't know. Shrinkage.
Speaker: What'd you use it for back then, back when you were innocent? Play, I guess. Making, like, characters. You'd draw with it? i would No, I mean, i don't know.
Speaker: Did you ever, like... I used to have it be characters. Pierce was pis with smashing ants and stuff. but That was all one of the things I was doing. I guess I have drowned bugs with my stream consciously.
Speaker: Interesting. Oh, like you pissed on an anthill once? No, I've never pissed on an anthill, but I feel like I've been in like dirty, like public restrooms where there's like a fly buzzing around and it's like buzzing around above the bowl.
Speaker: And I swing penis around wildly. It's already dirty in there to try to get the fly. And I have hit it. Did it fall or did it just like kind of take it in stride? Fall.
Speaker: But sometimes they get Have you guys ever, like, caught ah a bug in the bathroom, a spider or something, and thrown in the toilet bowl without smashing it? And then just see it kind of struggling along, and you're like, yeah, nice try, buddy. And then you flush it.
Speaker: Send them straight to hell. It is interesting when they try to swim. i' makinging it out Well, it's interesting, but I think, of course, I would try that, too, if I were you. But have you ever flushed here's Here's the more interesting question. Have you ever flushed in that scenario?
Speaker: And then a second later, it does come back up? Comes right back up. I've seen that happen. That's happened to me and I lit the bug free. I put a little... thought he earned it?
Speaker: Yeah, I put a little bit of toilet paper in there. It climbed up and then I took it outside and I put ah the toilet paper on the ground. So effectively what you did is you trained, you you gave a spider an experience that it should never have had and then let it have progeny in the wild again.
Speaker: Yeah. Pass on the trauma. You did a bit of eugenics. Probably really strong spider kids. Yeah. Well, i'm sorry about but microwave I'm sorry about my microwave idea. It looks like we mostly talked about bugs and penises, which is two of our favorite concepts anyway. so it feels like the microwave concept was actually very fruitful in that regard.
Speaker: But we didn't get to that many questions, so I'm sorry about my microwave idea to the listeners, not to you guys. I'm sure you much. you have any other microwave questions that you feel are worth... ah Knocking out the more at the more I look at them the more I think that they are not good questions Can I stay like for the record? I'm dating an American and she does not microwave water Have you guys dated Americans?
Speaker: Yeah Try not to in the past in the past sure Yeah, when I had to know Yeah, well you're in a pinch I guess I'll date this American.
Speaker: see what happens. See how things go over the years. You can get desperate enough to date one. Do you think you could ever truly fall in love with an American? Yeah, you can love them, but they can't love you.
Speaker: It's not that hard to fall in love with American. You just go to the movies. ah Popcorn on Cracker Jacks. Yeah, popcorn. Yeah. See a game baseball game. And then just a few slight sly smiles.
Speaker: if You could say like, hey, babe, you want to go for a drive? Yeah, it really is not that hard to fall in love with an American. I think they that's another thing that just kind of becomes too easy. Right. You need a challenge.
Speaker: You need to find someone a bit less likable. Make falling in love interesting again. Yeah. Well, I think that that concludes this episode of Chamber of Reason for now. All right.
Speaker: Bye then. Keep on listening to Chamber of Reason. No, I mean, I didn't want to say, I guess I thought that you guys would say something like what even Matthew's song is nice.
Speaker: I was basically opening it up to like, yeah, let's let's find a way to to end this episode in a really nice way that makes people feel like they didn't, that they did this right. Well, I would like to talk directly to the audience and say, if you made it to the end, if you listened to this whole thing and you had a good time and you smiled, and I hope you did, um i just want to let you know that you know you're one of us.
Speaker: We like you and whatever you do from now on, um we're kind of in your corner. Yeah. I mean, no matter how horrible it is, we'll be there for you.
Speaker: Feel free to hit us up when you're in a pinch. If you're in prison, whatever, we'll come to the rescue. Thanks. You can tell we like you. We let you off the hook ah with regard to eating our cum.
Speaker: We said, we don't want people like you who have parasocial relationships with us to eat or rather drink or come or eat, actually, in this case, because we fried. Eat.
Speaker: Yeah, they got away with murder here. I mean, they could theoretically get away with murder. We would defend them in court and socially. And we've let them off the hook for this horrible little idea that we are going to do. And just to sell it to you that you guys have advanced by listening to this specific episode, we are going to make a stranger eat our cum. Just that you know that you got away with something. ye If you're a stranger who's not listening to this episode, watch out.
Speaker: this is a really good way to like sort of iron out all the kinks of an episode that may or may not have been as high enough that may or may not have met our high standards is to say in now that you've made it this far here's the real point of this episode you get money you get money from us yeah yeah
