Transcript
Speaker: ten though when you hit record I usually like that. So it starts off with something kind of bold and funny and media res. Just say the second half of his sentence. He did.
Speaker: ah go ahead, Matthew. say Say the second half your really dangerous sentence. was trying to come in strong. Failed. Epic fail. doesn't matter you gonna I'm just going to cut the whole front of this off. Fuck this shit. I hate this. You hate in media res? i think I think every podcast should start with Welcome, boys and girls. Welcome to the pod. Join us once again. you know all right. Give it a shot.
Speaker: All right. You want to do the preamble? I don't want to say You don't want to say it? Do the preamble. Yeah. That sucks. All right. um Matthew, would you like to try... you want to try hosting and maybe even introducing our our lovely guest? Yeah, today ah is the ah somewhere between the fifth and the seventh episode of Chamber of Reason, ah which includes us three men.
Speaker: And would like welcome a guest on the show, Wolk. Hi. Welcome, Ivy. Thank you for having me. She's American. Ivy Wolk is an American. who i definitely am American, yeah.
Speaker: Definitely. Definitely. And I take pride in that. You never falter. No, even when things are dark, I stand tall. You tend to be clear about being an American. Yeah, it's kind of part of my identity and my shtick as a comedian.
Speaker: But don't you have that Ukraine flag in your bio, right? Yeah, because um I need to show... i Well, it's out of allyship, not out of allegiance. ah That's not your ethnicity.
Speaker: No. what is What is everyone's ethnicity? Let's see if we can't get this over with. It doesn't matter. Some stuff is just skin deep. Some stuff is just what? It's just skin deep.
Speaker: Yeah, races. racist I think when people say beauty is only skin deep, they should just cut the word deep. It's just skin. you know It's just skin. But it's also skull shape, too.
Speaker: And size. Beauty is only skull deep. Yeah, but on the inside. Brains are only skull deep. Brains are deeper than the skull. behind it. I think what they're trying to get at there is that like skin is like thin. in just be Just behind that thin, papery layer, it's quite nasty. like If you saw someone without their skin, it's red. Or black It's red. No, it's it's red, i think. no There's no light.
Speaker: There's no light. Once you remove... I mean, it's black under the skin. Everything is... but Your organs are in total darkness right now. why Some people have kind of translucent skin. I think if you were underneath there, you could probably see through a little bit. Okay, sometimes there's a reddish hit a reddish tinge. Yeah, my womb was a little bit reddish now that I think about it. you remember that?
Speaker: Yeah, I was able to watch cartoons through the belly buttonhole. Is it really pitch black inside the human body? It's pitch dark. It's got to be. But I've had like multiple colonoscopies and like I have the picture to prove it they could see.
Speaker: They bring a light up there. I've had a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. They bring a light in. I've had three of each. they put They put a ah light inside of me. So I was getting fucked not just by the camera, but with the light too.
Speaker: I guess if you want it. But that's like saying I got fucked by a... It's not like a Swiss army knife. but that's what i' was going to say yeah It's like saying I got fucked by a shaft and a head at the same time. It's you're talking about the same apparatus. People should talk about that way.
Speaker: You think they should be is counted separately? Yeah. Shaft, head, the skin, as we were saying. i guess there's veins in there. They put the light in first? I don't know. I think they probably put the light in first because if the camera was behind the light or if the light was behind the camera, well, I guess both ways. No, if the light was ahead of the camera, then all you'd see is light.
Speaker: This is why all the movies that come out now are so dark because all the gaffers are doing colonoscopies. They're performing it? Yeah, they're doing all the rigging of the equipment because clearly this is so complicated. Wait, this happened to you from a gaffer? Yeah, like a gaffer performed my colonoscopy.
Speaker: Is that like another name for a doctor? A gaffer is the person who rigs like the electricity for a movie. Y'all never been on a damn set before? ah gaffer is the person every colonoscopist Every colonoscopist has four gaffers who are taking cigarette breaks in between the different chambers of the digestive tract. Wait, colonoscopy is is plural for colonoscopists?
Speaker: Is that what you just said? No. No. Colonoscopos? I thought you said colonoscopos. You did if you play back the recording hours later. you said Hours later, you have to wait for it to marinate.
Speaker: Something that just occurred to me audio developer is ejaculating um onto a person is a sort of is a sort of orgy, is a sort of gangbang because of the millions of sperms that are involved.
Speaker: But just say the same for busting a load in a bitch? Like, isn't that also just a gangbang, too? You're talking about in versus on? Yeah, isn't it all the same? Well, I guess the thing the reason I brought it up is because of this ah this tradition, this ancient tradition of Bukkake.
Speaker: It seems like you can't really fit that many loads into a person, but you can definitely fit that many loads onto a person. Which, to me, it's like the whole Well, it's not the surface area.
Speaker: That's what I'm saying. Because the skin is the largest organ in the body. And also, this idea of busting inside of someone is like, technically, technically that, that, that semen will never see the light of day. It just is so blue.
Speaker: No, it's scientific. Pierce has never been like this before. He normally doesn't cuss. kind of I don't cuss? It's weird to see him like this. We're all trying to impress you different ways. I like cussing. I think you just every time you talk to me, you think that I'm like a Teletubby, and then once I start swearing, you think that something vulgar has happened. i think I kind of mentally block out when you're cussing. I go, that's not Pierce. He wouldn't do that.
Speaker: Yeah, swear words really don't feel good sliding out of this vocal tract. out What'd you say, Ivy? I said sliding in and out. Sliding in and out. Yeah, I guess you could slide a swear word into me.
Speaker: What would happen? don't know. I guess I'd spit it out. i don't know if I have the cojones to swallow that. Yeah, well, i guess like when you say a swear word, the effect is you feel kind of morally compromised.
Speaker: I don't feel morally compromised. You don't? When I swear, no, I feel regular. i feel the same as I did before. It regulates you? Yeah, it makes me feel normal. It's like medicine to me. Whoa. all Every swear has an equal effect or does some... The N-word makes me sick, but... Really? it's like a pill that's too big to swallow. But you get it out right, maybe would have a good effect on you. I think I would choke on it always.
Speaker: Really? Unless I'm rapping. that is why That is why they invented rap is so that the N-word could could actually slide out of a human mouth with ease. Justified if you're singing along to rap.
Speaker: Right. We all are affirming this. I'm not affirming anything. i was looking at my phone. What? I've never affirmed a thing in my life. Ivy, you haven't listened to this show, right? You're you're completely mystified. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker: How long have you guys been doing this? A month and a half or something. Oh, cool. Welcome to the world. Thanks. We're still new. So if you have any advice, well, obviously you don't know what mic to use or whatever, but like... don't have a mic. So no like technical advice, but ah you probably heard other podcasts. You kind of know how they work.
Speaker: Maybe you could tell us that kind of thing. Yeah, no. If it if something arises, I'll definitely interrupt and let you know. Okay. i actually think that... Oh, you know what we should do? is We should just do our podcast normally, and then if Ivy has any issues, she can just interject and tell us how to improve the nature of our podcast.
Speaker: And this can sort of be like... a She can be a mediator for the quality. She can be quality control. And that way, she doesn't have to riff with us. But I like riffing. Okay, fine. Girls can riff.
Speaker: Okay. well that Well, that's the first thing ah that you're suggesting, really, is that you should be allowed to riff. And it's like... Yeah. We could accommodate that. A little riffing. We're all joke guys here. Well, with the nature of the podcast is that we read questions from philosophically curious people from various double-digit IQ-friendly websites. Yeah.
Speaker: Great. We have fun doing it, honestly. and we do have a blast. We end up making each other laugh. Amazing. if we weren't having fun doing this, then honestly, there'd be no point. I didn't bring anything to share.
Speaker: Oh, well, we have some questions here. Here's a question. um It's not really a question, but it's more like a statement that's interesting. And maybe we could even ruminate on it a little bit. I love it. The statement is most custodians are bad at their job. And this is from the custodians subreddit, believe it or not.
Speaker: Should I read it? Ivy, you should read it. Most custodians are bad at their job, even though it's not that hard to clean. Ah, yes, I get that some of this is parenthetical. Ah, yes, I get that some of us here are doing six to seven hours of walking a day. So that's not easy in itself.
Speaker: But let's be real. The lazy ones usually have the easier sections and parenthetical. So even their half ass ethic and awareness is passable. They are just a body. And that's enough evidently.
Speaker: So the position attracts a lot of losers and selfish, trashy people. Just an observation. You will maybe see one out of 10 who are generally decent people and okay at their job.
Speaker: Is this coming from a custodian? I think so. This is from the custodian subreddit, so I don't think you should post if you're not a custodian. Right, that's appropriate. You shouldn't, but maybe this person has had a few bad experiences yeah with custodian. It's very anti-custodian, though. What is a custodian?
Speaker: I feel like a custodian is a male cleaner. I feel like there's no such thing as a female custodian, but I could be wrong. Custodiette. Does this ah user, do you think this this poster, ah you know, purports them themselves to be a good custodian? And so they're, or do you think they're like, this is like an admission of like, and yeah, I'm, I'm bad. And so this is coming from a place of, you know, self-reflection. Right. Like we're a rotten people and you can really believe me here. Cause I'm actually one of, one of us.
Speaker: Yeah. It sounds like he works with 10 other guys who are all bad. A big school has multiple janitors. Yeah. Right, but they all kind of take a different approach.
Speaker: Yeah. Sometimes I think that, um I mean, when I was a kid, i guess I had this feeling that like, I think that the real employees are the students. And that their job is to give the custodians something to clean.
Speaker: And I think that's still how it goes in these big these big corporate office buildings in New York City. like the The people in suits, they're the real lower class.
Speaker: that They are the real people who deal with garbage. And then the custodians are like the sort of elites who remove trash. They say, this place is disgusting. all you suit All you suit-brained types...
Speaker: can't throw away your Red Bull cans and so on. I was thinking it's more like trickle-down economy where it's like the suit guys drop their trash and the custodians have to like collect it and use it to make their livelihood. Make their wive livelihood.
Speaker: Do you think that custodians have sex with trash or is that like a crazy thing to suggest? I think that's a crazy fucking thing to suggest. Yeah. ah Okay, I'll dial it back. Most people don't have that much sex in their lives, in the average life. Very true. I don't think it happens that often.
Speaker: But when people are lucky, they're probably lucky with the trash. But I think if they are fucking mounds of trash, that's a perfect story for Mr. David Cronenberg to pick up on. Yeah, or Mr. David Cross, even, you know, and in one of his Mr. Right.
Speaker: I mean, I will say watched David Crump, one of his most recent special. I think it's called Bad Daddy or something. He is such a bad daddy. He's a horrible father. He's horrible.
Speaker: Isn't that the name of the Louis C.K. movie? It's called I Love You, Daddy. Sorry, I don't know. can't keep track of all the daddy media. I do, unfortunately. so if I can't keep my own, then I have to keep track of other people's. This podcast is sort of like, call her daddy.
Speaker: This podcast is like, call us daddy. Call us daddies. I'm not going to do that. and Okay, I'm just saying that's the name of the pod. What else have you guys been watching lately on TV?
Speaker: if What have I been watching on the television? I'm watching girls for the first time. Oh my god, really? first time ever? How far into it are you? Season 2, episode 2.
Speaker: ah That show is so fucking great. really is so awesome. It's so good. i watched it recently too. It's so good. I love Lena Dunham. I love her so fucking much. like I got addicted to Benzo so I could be just like her.
Speaker: Wow. Did it work? Just kidding. I can do that all by myself. I did that on my own. I feel like I would make a good boyfriend for her character. You would make a good... For the character? Yeah, for the character. I want to exist in the show.
Speaker: I want to be Eskimo Brothers with Donald Glover. It's such a fantastical show. it would be so great to live in that world. The world of girls. The world of Greenpoint in 2013. Yes.
Speaker: Honestly, like I do fantasize about that time in a really sick and disgusting way because I was like, you know, I was barely, I was kind of just coming into consciousness and like New York didn't even exist to me. Like it was not in like the scope of my universe. And so now I like look back on like media from 2010s, like early 2010s Brooklyn. And, um, I'm just so wowed by it. I just really, i fetishize that time. Golden age of New York. Yeah.
Speaker: I really like... If I could have been in like a mumblecore movie, like you best believe I would have. It would have been so great to be around for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's 10th anniversary concert in 2010. Yeah. It's like being in Paris with Gertrude Stein I would have loved to just like wear an ugly pair of glasses and like not know what Dime Square is and like just like hang out in Williamsburg and like um smoke like a closed cigarette and be like, I'm working on my thesis film. Yeah, you could have became friends with Ezra Koenig.
Speaker: Yeah. Right. Back when Dime Square was just a twinkle in Peter Thiel's eye. Yeah. It would be amazing to go back in time to that period and be the person from the future who can kind of explain to everyone how Dime Square was.
Speaker: But like, you don't have the technical knowledge. Just going up to Chinese people saying, you have no idea what this place is going to be. there are going to be coke addicted fat guys here in 10 years with bad politics.
Speaker: Do you understand me? And they'd be like, yes. It really, there's probably nothing closer to going back to ah a time where human beings didn't have language and telling them about a new social or technological thing that's going to happen. Plus the arts, the arts certainly are a factor. They make an appearance. when it comes to Dime Square. The arts are part of it. They are. Absolutely.
Speaker: You know what's interesting is the people of Dime Square are like janitors, but instead of dealing with trash, they deal with art. Wow. They're the art custodians. No, the custodians don't make the trash. They just find it.
Speaker: Yeah, that's what I mean. The people of Dime Square are just sort of dealing with it. They're not making it. And one in ten are generally decent people who are okay at their job. But it does attract a lot of losers and selfish, trashy people.
Speaker: They are just a body. But let's be real, the lazy ones usually have easier sections. Right. Just an observation. I like making these observations. How come lazy people always have easier sections?
Speaker: That does tend to be the case, not just among custodians, but the lazy always have easy sections. Maybe it's a chicken or egg thing where it's like, was the section easy or did the lazy people just make it seem easy because they're lazy?
Speaker: Yeah, and a lazy person has this talent of like sort of easing the world around them. Maybe it's actually hard section, but it's in the eye of the beholder. Maybe the killer whales who were um in captivity in SeaWorld were actually lethargic whales who were depressed and were destined for a lay layabout lives.
Speaker: Because a more motivated whale might be able to break out. Truly, like in Free Willy. All they need is encouragement from a child. And here's the thing is like we as humans put these descriptors on to the situations.
Speaker: We say you're in captivity. The whale doesn't understand the concept of freedom or captivity. The whale is just there. So for the whale, it's just a section.
Speaker: The whale doesn't know if the section is easy or hard. But if I told you that a whale was smart enough to know the difference between a big ocean and a small pool... I would not believe you. You wouldn't believe me? The whales get depressed there, which is... You're right. The way the the fins sort of droop and seem unattractive to us. Sometimes the whale is a really fat guy...
Speaker: who's gay. And at the end, generally the large gay man in there, even when they are what we consider whales, they get depressed because of how their situations are sort of framed to them by the zoo. They're described to them as being in captivity.
Speaker: So of course they're going to be like, okay, well, I guess this it isn't right. I'm supposed to be having sort of side effects from this. People are telling the whales your section is hard. And so then they're going, okay.
Speaker: So there's really, by if you didn't tell the whale the section was hard, he wouldn't even know anything. No, he'd live normally. When a whale is born, when a when a whale comes comes into the world and is born into the the wide open sea, ah their their mother will present it as this is going to be easy. Yes.
Speaker: Yes. It's an easy section. you're gonna have it's good now the separated Once they're separated from their mother, then all these humans, all these guys in suits started coming in and saying, this life is really hard This is not the good life. It's a hard section. and wheelie card section Whales crave the comfort of their mother's womb just like any other mammal, and it would be great if human beings...
Speaker: You don't want to walk? I don't want to go back. Into the womb? I don't. i I don't want to be in a womb. I just want to be like in a big, wet, warm, pink space that I can i float around in. There's a tube that feeds me.
Speaker: That's pussy. Yeah, womb. Yeah, but like ah but a giant one. I know I can't fit into my mom my mom's a little. You know what mean? not stupid. The problem with like having a girlfriend for you is there's no food. There's no tube.
Speaker: Right. there's no you can't You're not getting fed. There's still like a need for calories. I using my teeth. It would be great if we could put all whales into a tiny tin can. like all like The smallest possible space for a whale. They're too big. Right, they're too big. but like obviously This podcast is so smart. Are whales too big to put in a can? Yeah. And then we can kind of like discuss it and figure it out.
Speaker: No, again, but Ivy's right. That's just a problem of how we describe the situation to the whale. All we have to do is say we are putting you in a bigger tank and then simply put it in a tiny tin can. And then they'll be like, oh, I guess I'm in a big tank. Right. Isn't that what Hamlet said? I could I could bound myself in a nutshell and crown myself the king of infinite space. He said to be or not to be.
Speaker: Yes. Yes, you're right. He was talking to that skull. Remember that? In cartoons? You could put the whale in the skull and tell it it's easy. You guys just want to lie to a whale. I don't even know what you guys are talking about, to be honest. Follow...
Speaker: um It's not a lie if the telling of it produces its own truth. Are whales smart enough to be lied to? That's a good question for a Reddit. you know That would be a good question if we found it. But unfortunately, it's just a question we came up with via riffing. Boy, here's a question from the question subreddit. Someone should read.
Speaker: I'll read it. oh Oh, you already got one Ivy. I mean, Ivy's the guest. yeah Ivy, you know, I defer to you. Honestly, the more, the more of your voice, the better. I'll i'll shut up now. All right. Let's test Ivy and see if she's interested in fairness or politeness. This podcast will like uncover whether or not she can read.
Speaker: Right. you best believe that I can. How do you punish yourself for breaking your own made up rules? 40 years male. forty years old male I'm on a strict diet for muscle gain and also low calories to stay fit.
Speaker: I'm ordering a pizza right now because I'm craving a good old New York pizza. How should I punish myself so I can learn my lesson and just take cheeseburger from the local sports bar next time? So my favorite self-punishment is cutting.
Speaker: So you can just cut yourself, just like dismantle, like a disposable razor with like a pair of tweezers and like extract the blade and just go to town on your, um, your thighs and upper arms.
Speaker: But is there a New York way of doing that? He wants to do, he wants a New York style. That's New York style. That's just straight up new york style New York style. If you do it in New York, it's New York style.
Speaker: Does cutting yourself even work, Ivy? Does it even do anything? oh It doesn't cut. It works. Baby, it works. I really doubt it. It's pretty popular.
Speaker: doesn't produce any cuts, though.
Speaker: it's not like cutting um It's not like cutting a steak, is it? Or is it? You can lob off flesh. you cut a steak with a... What did you say? You get us a razor out of a... You dismount a razor blade? You take a disposable razor like for shaving. Maybe this stupid, but why why not a knife?
Speaker: Why do people not use it knife? You can't with a knife. It's just the medium is the message and the razor blade is kind of just classic. That's the imagery associated with the activity. Oh, it's like a good aesthetic. Yeah, you wouldn't, you know, you can play soccer with a basketball, but you wouldn't.
Speaker: every Every job has its own tool kind of thing. he I mean, you could just like pick up a sharp rock and do it with that if you want. Right. but I guess that's probably what cave women did. Cavemen ah hung themselves.
Speaker: Yeah, cavemen threw rocks at the mall. But, um you know, cave women cut themselves with sharp rocks. I don't get the aesthetic though, because razors are meant for hair cutting and knives are meant for the cutting of flesh. And it's almost like you're missing- razor is a very different kind of razor.
Speaker: What razor? A razor blade. ah razor blade? yeah Yeah, but aren't razor blades fashioned for the purposes of cutting hair? but What else would razor blades be fashioned for? Well, it's become for the skin.
Speaker: I know. They're made for cutting. Yeah, cutting hair. This is the soccer argument again. see I'm just trying to say that Ivy's soccer basketball thing doesn't apply when you consider that.
Speaker: Think about what's below hair. Skin. Well, think about what's below skin also beauty is meat. Oh. And so because there's meat below the skin, you can use a razor blade to cut a steak if you want.
Speaker: Right. Yes, and there's also hair under the skin to some extent. Right. To some extent. Every hair goes a little Every time you cut yourself, it is a haircut. so youre Yeah, you are cutting hair. You're using it technically in the intended form. Can you sit down in a barber chair and have them cut your scalp with a razor until it hurts? No, because cutting yourself is for you to do. It's independent. That's what's so nice about It's like i do a little something for myself. right It's like asking someone to masturbate you.
Speaker: They could perform a sexual act, but it's not masturbation. yeah It would still feel good someone cut you. it could. Always, but the power's out of your hands. Yeah, you wouldn't get the same solitudinal release.
Speaker: Because if want somebody else to masturbate you, they could do whatever they want to your genitals. They could just start fucking mashing it. When you interact with someone, they can do anything they want to your genitals. Exactly.
Speaker: But when you're doing it unto yourself, you have the power and the control. You don't have to mash it if you don't want to. You don't have to do anything you want when you're doing something to yourself. You can choose to do what you don't want. Right. That is the ethos of... Or that is the the the principle of self-harm is you're allowing yourself to do something that you shouldn't shouldn't much do that much.
Speaker: But you will. But you will. Because no one else can do that. Right. If they did, then it would be harming you. it would be assault. But it's like... Well, it's like a way of tickling yourself, essentially. It's like a way of taking yourself by surprise. but you guys are talking about self-harm as like a reward. And this guy is saying, how do I punish myself so that I stop ordering pizza? Well, punishment and reward are two sides of the same coin, Derek.
Speaker: I guess that's true. Is there a way to do self-cutting, but it's with a like a wooden mallet and you just hate yourself really hard on the head? Oh, yeah. You can hurt yourself with anything. As long as you are doing it unto yourself. But I think if you enjoy it too much, it's not going to make you stop ordering pizza.
Speaker: You're just going to go, oh, I get a pizza and I get to bonk myself on the head with a mallet, my favorite thing. eating pizza when you're not supposed to is punishing yourself, yeah right? Because then you feel bad about it. And then itself, those like ruminating thoughts about what did I just do? I hate my body. I hate my choices. This is the same side of the coin thing that you were talking about. That's self-harm in itself. So, you know, doing something to trigger yourself or make yourself upset at yourself, that's also a self-harm behavior. So I'd say to the guy who asked this question,
Speaker: You're every woman. It's all in you. you already yeah You already did it. You already answered your own question. You want the pizza. You order the pizza. You know you're going to feel bad about the pizza. You know you're going to want to punish yourself.
Speaker: And in a way, wanting to punish yourself is punishing yourself. Right. So the answer answer should be good job even asking this question. That's a great beginning. off to a good start. Keep going.
Speaker: Yeah. Giving yourself a little treat is like this sort of universally net and net neutral thing that you can do because you get a treat and even without punishing yourself, just by enjoying the treat, there is an equal and opposite punishment that's happening in the mental realm. Do you guys all do that? You give yourselves little treats? That's very foreign. It's a foreign concept to me.
Speaker: I have ice cream. i have Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice cream in a glass of milk and I eat it with a spoon every night. bar of Xanax under the tongue. that's could That counts. For both of you, is that something you reach for and get for yourself? Or is that something you think to yourself, I deserve a little treat.
Speaker: And then you go and you go get your ice cream or or your benzodiazepine. Do you mean like is the truth is is saying it's a treat like cope for the fact that you're already eating it?
Speaker: i don't I'm not even saying it's Cope, but I just want to know if if there is like a... well what leads you to it is a thought of, you know what, I really deserve so something We're kind of pondering the same concept as we did last time where it's like, is calling it a treat...
Speaker: prescribing a descriptor to it that otherwise we wouldn't have, you know, because we might just think this cookie is neutral, but then you start framing it as if it's a treat and then the feelings come from that and then the section becomes hard.
Speaker: Yes, the section becomes difficult. But I think the section nice. if you It's a nice section if you frame it as a treat. Or like being cut. Some people think of that as a treat.
Speaker: I don't want that to happen to me. So I'd be like, stop. This is a punishment. Well, but would you be you you have to do it unto yourself. or even Honestly, even with ice cream. i I like eating ice cream, but if Pierce was feeding me ice cream, I might ask him to stop.
Speaker: I just realized it's impossible to punish yourself. You cannot punish yourself for breaking your own made-up rules. You can only give yourself a treat that, in its essence, represents an equal and opposite punishment for having indulged in a treat.
Speaker: But I don't think you can punish yourself. I think all you can do is give yourself a treat that you didn't deserve and then beat yourself up over having that. But then your reaction to beating yourself up is the punishment. That's what I mean. I'm just saying that that punishment can't exist in a vacuum. It can only exist as a result from a treat. Right.
Speaker: This guy wouldn't even wonder, how can I punish myself if he didn't get himself a lovely pizza? a pizza unlocks the desire to punish oneself. And once that's once that pizza is digested, now the world of punishment is open to you. but um And I would say that there's really nothing you can do to punish yourself. You already ate the pizza. He's also asking if he should get a bacon cheeseburger from the local sports bar next time. We didn't address that. That's a good point.
Speaker: Ivy, you're a feminist, basically. Yeah. ah Well, you're you you know about that stuff. ah what How about this question? Is Sabrina Carpenter the definition of the male gaze?
Speaker: Hot blonde, half naked on stage, slutty behavior, 10 pounds of makeup on. Seriously? And ah fellas, I think what we should do is kind of like make space for Ivy to explain this to us.
Speaker: Wow, I've never had the floor before. um This is new ground. Thank you for these three men for um shattering the glass ceiling on my behalf so I didn't have to fuck up my um fingernail polish. Quick interjection here. You don't have to take the floor if you don't want it.
Speaker: We could share the floor. Oh, yeah. That's that's fourth wave feminism. is you don't You don't even have to be in control anymore if you want to ah be trad. That's totally fine. That's also allowed. If you want to just get...
Speaker: Fucked and cummed on and thrown... That's not what I said. That is not what I said. That's what you're implying. Your pussy absolutely rocked and your gash... No, that's That's not allowed. That's not allowed.
Speaker: saying like oh if you just want to get a million dicks shoved down your throat until you vomit on all of them and spray the vomit everywhere and then your esophagus your esophageal sphincter snaps in half and then you you your it rips out your throat and all the dicks are coming out of every hole your ears your nostrils your eyes and your eyes pop out and then there's two dicks in your eye sockets where the eyes were yeah that's you're saying right You say there's a ah sphincter in your esophagus? Is that what you said? we We have three sphincters in the body. The anal sphincter, the esophageal sphincter, and the pyloric sphincter.
Speaker: So the esophageal sphincter is in the throat. It's what prevents like the food from like falling through. Just like if you were to put something in your mouth, you have to deliberately swallow for it to go down. It's what prevents the food from just falling through like a chute. And I have esophageal spasms. Cool. The pyloric sphincter is in the bottom of your stomach, and it's the muscle that prevents the food that's in your stomach from just shooting through right down into your asshole.
Speaker: And so that closes, and then the body opens it when it's ready to drop down. And then the anal or the anal sphincter all... know about one. you're clenching your bunghole so that the shit don't fly out while you're walking around.
Speaker: Is a sphincter any muscle that like dilates and contracts? is that Yeah, it's an aperture, I think. Oh, like like the eyes? No. eyes are the sphincter of the soul.
Speaker: Yeah. Wow. um I don't think Sabrina Carpenter is the definition of the male gaze. I think she just likes to suck dick and get fucked, and that's just like her prerogative. I thought she was known for singing songs.
Speaker: Yeah, but also she's like on stage like, I like to suck dick and drunk. communicates that, right? What? She's clear about that, right?
Speaker: She's very overt in her sexuality. She does single entendres. I'm not a big lyrics guy, so I didn't notice. You're just listening to the beat? I like the melody. like her beats, yeah. I like Sabrina Carpenter's beats.
Speaker: Wait, so when they ask if she is the embodiment of the male gaze, are they saying... ah Are they saying that ah okay man Matthew is on his bed and kicking his feet up behind him in rhythmic in rhythmic oscillation.
Speaker: Are they saying that what that she is the male gaze or that she is what the male gaze is likes to gaze at? What the male gaze likes to gaze at.
Speaker: I think, yeah, because Lacanians would say that the the the male gaze is when is when you watch the movie Vertigo. It's just that, yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, it has very little to do with them sexiness. It has to do more with like, there's a there's just like a ah handkerchief that goes around your neck and there's a mirror. It's very complicated.
Speaker: Yeah, according to Zizek, the male gaze is when you watch some old fucking movie.
Speaker: right Yeah. So in order to answer this question, we have to ask ourselves, what old movie is Sabrina Carpenter referencing? And then so it's more of a film history question than it is like a a sociological question.
Speaker: Is there a black and white piece of shit film called The Beautiful Girl? Because I think that might be what she's referencing. Or maybe like Shirley Temple. Oh, what about that? Do you guys know about the flamenco singer? She was like a child flamenco prodigy and this guy bleached her skin and hair and gave her blue colored contacts and turned her into an Aryan princess because he was a fascist. Okay, I have to know who this is. Blue.
Speaker: Ivy, you would freak out. Wait, what did you just say, Matthew? ah She's blue. She got turned blue, right? What? That's a pierced head.
Speaker: I think he gave her blue colored contacts. Or maybe she always had it. She was basically, I think, kidnapped from her tiny village by a film producer and turned into an absolute star. Literally wish that happened to me so fucking bad. That's so hot.
Speaker: Nobody with power. That's so gazed. I was tweeting about this the other day, but like nobody with power. I was reflecting on my brief time as like a teen actress and like nobody with power ever wanted to fuck me when I was a teen actress. Like it was just like a prop master who was like, we really should hang out. I'm like, you have purple hair.
Speaker: well First of all, you have no idea how powerful a prop master is He had no power. I know that this man had no power. He was always like, we should hang out. Like, I miss you. And I was like, you're like in your 50s and you have purple hair and you have to like, like when you have to pay your EATSE dues, it like breaks the bank. How do you guys handle that when you're when you're hit on by the powerless? It's horrible. I mean, it really... made I was like, damn, I'm fucking ugly. I bet Miranda Cosgrove was, like, sucking major money cocks.
Speaker: And it's like, the only cocks that presented itself to me was, like, a nothing burger. Isn't that true? But isn't... it Didn't it didn't the ah the story of, like, the quiet on set story didn't reveal that, like, the number one pedophile in the Nickelodeon thing was just, like, a a guy who was at the crafty table? Like, he wasn't a big-time Hollywood guy. He was just, like...
Speaker: a local pedophile who is good at serving sandwiches, I know one of like the big reveals was their Nickelodeon acting coach was like one of the major pedos. And it's likes also like sort of ah like and a nothing burger-ass guy. Maybe the powerless have merit. There is a difference between silver spoon pedophiles and and and bootstrap pedophiles. And um you can basically just tell just by looking who's who. You guys really respect pedophiles. well good Highly employed, powerful pedophiles.
Speaker: Unemployed pedophile layabouts. Never do wells. yeah Unemployed pedophiles are the concern because they have plenty of time on their hands. Can ask about, what was his name? Dan Schneider? Dan Schneider. Yeah.
Speaker: Maybe you guys know more about this than me, but was the conclusion there that he wasn't really molesting on it? He was just kind of more of like a really annoying guy. Yeah, it was the conclusion was kind of just he was like creepy and like always around. And there was like pedophiles working under him that actually did molest people. And he sort of like turned a blind eye to it. But like he himself, nobody said that he himself raped anybody.
Speaker: Yeah, I think he was like an ah an abusive tyrant. And I think also one of the things that they accused him of was like, he was always making children ah do slimy stuff. Which is fine.
Speaker: Yeah, I personally think that if children's media exists, I don't think children's media should exist. I don't think that we should have material that is purely for children. But if it is going to exist, yeah of course it's going to...
Speaker: kids should watch Ozark. Rashomon. Yeah, exactly. I'd go even further and say there should, I'm i'm sorry, Ivy, but I think there should be no child actors. All child roles should be played by adults. I think so, too.
Speaker: In child drag. In childface. But I think that if if child children's media is going to exist, of course it's going to be pure desire covered in slime and people are going to get a message. like If an adult glimpses it, they're going to say, oh my god, this is perverse.
Speaker: But it's just the only possible thing. that i mean Other than that, of course shapes it's just colored shapes moving around, which isn't media. Because adults look at it and say it's perverse because adults look at the world through a perverse lens.
Speaker: The children don't know. Of course. It's innocent. slime Slime is innocent. Of course it reminds you of the fermented seed of man. It starts innocent, and then if you frame it as this section is hard, then it's a perverted hard section Here's something that happened to somebody on Reddit.
Speaker: What is the subreddit? It's the questions subreddit. Okay. I mean, even though it has a question mark, it almost kind of doesn't even feel like a question, but go ahead. Feeling stupid messaging someone sorry about a death.
Speaker: I messaged someone from high school because their brother passed just passed away a few days ago. I saw they read it and didn't even respond. Now I just feel stupid and I wish I didn't do it. So what happened is their brother just died and they're kind of busy with that.
Speaker: So it's not about you and you are, um, you're not really putting yourself in their shoes. I disagree. If your brother dies, you have more, uh, social kind of bandwidth.
Speaker: In theory, you have more time, more time Not bugging you with all of his pranks and various like, um, capers, like the way brothers do, because they're so boyish and like, um, adventures or misadventures. Yeah.
Speaker: jawbreaker scheme. Actually, yeah. You know what? I'm going to change my answer. um They're in the wrong. The person that left you unread is in the wrong because they should have all the time on their hands now that they're putting them into rambunctious capers. If you three died, I love you three. And if you three died, I would instantly get on iMessage and start like interacting with people.
Speaker: right yeah To all the people saying sorry, you'd be like, thank you. Yep. Thanks for hitting me up. This is actually a two-parter because then they posted Yeah, was going to say, Derek, that was a stinker.
Speaker: Oh. Okay, so this is an addendum. Edit. They ended up responding like 12 hours later, or heart emoji. Great. Okay, so you bumped the fucking gun. Definitely. Also, there's a lot of like love here.
Speaker: Like, oh, I did something really nice and the person who's mourning didn't immediately validate me. They didn't it. Oh, wait, they did. Oh, wait, they did. And wait, it actually made a huge difference that I messaged them.
Speaker: Wait a second. It turns out I actually really helped. All good. The family's taking me in as the new brother. so who I guess that that is something I would do for for anyone here. if If someone you love died, I would i would immediately audition to become the new version of that person. That's really nice. Well, then who would be Pierce? It doesn't matter. That person is not as important as whatever you guys need. yeah Here's one from ah the Help Me subreddit.
Speaker: Sounds urgent. I'm so depressed because of my addition. I was addictive for adult-oriented things for past 10 years. I can't control myself. I have to get away for this trap.
Speaker: I started doing stupid things. I can't able to say all this in public. I need some advice. Please connect me. So I understand exactly what this means, and I'm not confused.
Speaker: Sexual. Yeah, adult-oriented things. I was addictive. That means sex and porn. But now, now, I'm started doing stupid things. There's more things ah oriented with adults than just porn.
Speaker: Yeah, there's golf. Taxes. Okay, so you're addicted to sex, porn, golf, and taxes. And now you're doing stupid things. Yeah, you're escalating And you're asking to connect. So...
Speaker: I guess like maybe just like go like if you're looking to connect, I guess just like start at like your local YMCA and like maybe do like a pickup game and like connect with other people. Kill yourself. Yeah, just connect with other people who like pornography.
Speaker: Right. many people do this stuff alone? Head to the comments section and start typing. Go to an SLAA meeting, a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting, and um you can bond with other gooners about what type of like big boobs that you like getting jizzed on and nipples that you like seeing get flicked and sucked. Yeah, just even you asking those rhetorical questions now is making me think of how nice it would be to sort of say, you know, big and pink.
Speaker: Exactly. It's community. So I would say to this person, go to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting, squad up in the church basement with a group of other gooners and baiters, and talk about what type of like dicks you like to rock, watch rock chicks.
Speaker: Like frame it like this. Hey, I have a question. What kind of dicks do you guys like to watch rock chicks? They can tell you. And then that's connection. Yeah. And then there's even an opportunity to like, say, you know, one, two, three, and then say the same kind of penis on three. And then suddenly you're not caught in the trap anymore.
Speaker: you're in ah a group trap, you know? It's not like you're a single beetle in the spider's web. It's like you're a whole colony of termites under the reign of the queen. Yeah. Why not have this conversation in a more sex-positive space, like ah like a porn theater?
Speaker: I mean, this is why we do have people... On porn set. We have the, like, the... Now that sort of home ah cinema, home home movie watching sort of predominates, we're sort of atomized and kind of alone with our with our our porn experiences. Right. Do you think that's why they're depressed? Yeah. It used to be sort of a community thing. Because I don't really understand why they're depressed.
Speaker: They have an addiction that should make them happy. Yeah.
Speaker: He needs a buddy so jack off with and then he'll be fine. So I'd say just go out and find yourself a buddy. Well, then the the addiction's not making you depressed. Yeah. If you have a favorite porno, then just make that your life.
Speaker: Do that thing. Yes. I think we answered it. Perfect. Next one. This has to be the last one. Cause i have to pee. Once we hit a certain number, i think this can be a goal, but ah i think once we hit a certain threshold, a certain number on our Patreon, all by catheters so that we can record without pausing. Isn't that, I mean, how is a diaper not a better alternative than a catheter? How is a diaper better than a catheter? Less less set up. it's a Great question.
Speaker: Great question. Diapers are soft. Diapers can, sometimes they're scented. So they, they smell nice before you piss in them. And then after you piss in them, they don't smell as bad. Where does the, if when you pee into a catheter, where does the pee go? Into a bag later, into a bag on the side.
Speaker: It's the same thing as a diaper. Well, no, that's one the pluses of a catheter is you get this bag full of pee. Yeah, which is fun to empty out. With the diaper, it absorbs into the material, and so you have to wring it out. You to wring it out if you want to save it. I picked on a Starbucks cup once when I was 12, and it overflowed.
Speaker: It's really hard to calculate volume like when you're peeing something other than a toilet. There's been a few times where i like had to piss in a cup in a car, and then it got all the way up to the brim, pinched my urethra, poured it out the car, and then filled it up again. yeah That's called a Kegel. You're sort of bragging about how much control you have over your urethra.
Speaker: Urethra. My urethra. I love to piss and in every type of thing. What have you pissed in? Gatorade bottles, milk bottles, beer bottles, beer cans.
Speaker: A can is sketch. Is this making you feel like you have to piss more talking about this? No, it's not helping, actually. Oh, it's not wetting your appetite? No. talking cure. The talking cure. That's right.
Speaker: ah Okay, well, here's the final question, then. It's from ah the science Quora, or the science section of Quora. um And I think it's a beautiful question. If you could make one scientific discovery that would change the world, what would it be and why?
Speaker: um my God, it's turning it back on to us. If you can make a new discovery. well i want to discover that ah something amazing is about to happen.
Speaker: I think I would discover, I want to discover why your mom is so fat. Yeah, why? i want to discover why your mom is so fat and why um when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
Speaker: Do you think if you found out why my mother is obese, it would change the world? Yeah. Because when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house. I want to discover where cruelty comes from. You guys are asking the same question.
Speaker: I know. We know. Derek, what did you discover? oh Something with aliens, probably. a new alien. Yeah, I was going to say, I think that's good. A new alien, the first.
Speaker: I think I do want to discover a bug's equivalent of a molecule. Because like I think human beings can see molecules because of their microscopes, but I want to make a bug microscope that bugs use for their eyes and then see what kind of particles they get get see.
Speaker: because they probably see something a little bit smaller. Yeah, they have really good vision. And their eyes are just small enough to see something small. Right. I would like to simply discover a bug.
Speaker: ah new bug. A new bug that no one else has seen before. known species. A known species, but and a new individual in that species who no one has come in contact with before. To change the world, though, it it would have to become a bug. It would have to like then become like some kind of like plague.
Speaker: Or maybe it makes some kind of medicinal milk. Oh, bug milk, yeah. It would definitely be a plague having to do with mil medicinal milk. I would like to discover a new milk. it's i want to make it I want to make cheese from a pig. You know, I would like to discover the taste of other animals' milks.
Speaker: yeah Is this a scientific discovery? I want to eat pig milk. It's so exciting having like sheep milk, goat milk. Sheep milk has like a nutty flavor. Yes, I like sheep milk. They say that pig cheese is really hard to make. But but we never get the chance to have like ah bat milk or like or whales, right? That's a mammal. whale a Sheep whale milk whale milk. I would like to try whale milk. and then i would But then the thing about the whale milk is like, does the flavor of the milk change if the whale was raised in a hard section or an easy section? Ivy, you have been killing it with hard section, easy section. I hope that you take this.
Speaker: I hope that you take it into the rest of your life. Whales from very difficult sections. all right The butter produced from their milk is superior because the the stress helps.
Speaker: Right. Is that how it is with cows? Huh? Like if you if you stress out a cow, their milk, their what? It's better? Because they had more It's better when it's churned into butter. Yeah. Is that why factory farms are like so horrifying? It's in order to make everything taste better? Yeah. No, it's order make butter. Because the cow had more thoughts while it was coming out. Like, do I cut myself with this or that? And so the butter is more complex. like The flavor profile is more complex because the ideas from which it came, from whence it came... the cow was happy, it would just be like, no problem I don't have to think about this. I'm just relaxing.
Speaker: If you send it through like some kind of maze with a bunch of like swinging axes or whatever, of course it's going to It's the same thing as adrenochrome. Can we give this person the hardest section possible and then send them to the easy section in the sky? And then but hopefully their body and fluids will take on a buttery quality. Exactly.
Speaker: Well, what a great app. It was a great app and it was honestly an easy section. Yeah. It was easy. This was easy, right? Honestly. Some people make it hard, but we found it.
Speaker: Yeah.
