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Episode 7: The Dark Side of Being a High Performer
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In this episode, we're diving into the not-so-bright side of being a high performer. While being a top achiever has many perks, it also comes with stress, burnout, and the tendency to take on too much. If we don't talk about the full picture of high performance, so we can't manage all sides of it. We share personal stories and insights on the less frequently discussed downsides and tips on finding balance, self-advocacy, and how managers can better support their standout team members.
01:24 Defining High Performance
02:48 The Pitfalls of Saying Yes Too Much
11:44 Advocating for Yourself
16:10 Practical Tips for High Performers and Managers
Recommended
Transcript
The Dark Side of High Performance: Personal Insights
00:00:13
Speaker
I am excited for our topic today because it is a topic that draws a lot of interest, the dark side of being a high performer. It's a really interesting topic for us because we're self-proclaimed high performers and we've seen the benefit of being a high performer, but we have definitely seen the dark side.
High Performance in Management
00:00:37
Speaker
And the interest in what that means and what is high performance and what does it mean to us is something that's driven both of us in our careers. And it is the foundation behind management excellence as well. And then I know you looked at it for your master's
Performance Psychology and Intense Scenarios
00:00:52
Speaker
degree, right?
00:00:52
Speaker
ah Yeah, so the science of high performance and was the psychology of high performance. A lot of performance psychology is like, what do people do to stay in the game and really intense situations? But I think what we're talking about today, there's been a lot of hype and I think it's very connected to whole hustle culture of people like, I do my ice bath and then I do coffee and then I do this and then I do that all of which I've done.
00:01:17
Speaker
cause I'm super into shit like that. Or it wasn't the past,
Balancing High Performance and Hustle Culture
00:01:20
Speaker
to be honest. I'm not anymore because I do think that there's this dark side of it and there's this need for balance around what it means to be a high performer and some of the downsides. so I think this is part of both of our evolution of our career long interest in high performance is understanding all parts of it. When I think about a high performer, I consider that in the workplace, someone who is consistently delivering at a high level above expectation, the go-to person, if you really need something done well, give it to that person. That's what I think of as a high performer. What do you think of?
00:01:53
Speaker
Yeah, well, I think I've always had the wrong definition that took me down some paths. And I think I've had an epiphany and understanding closer to what you've just described. But I think where I fell in the past was I will say yes to everything and I can do it all and I can tackle it at all and I know how to do it. So of course I'll do it for you, but I didn't think about that balance component and what does it mean to be able to meet and exceed expectations, but within a certain constraint so that other areas of my life get dedication and attention too. But I think when we're talking about it in this sense and in work, it's yeah,
00:02:28
Speaker
being able to consistently meet and exceed those expectations, deliver at a certain quality, be somebody who has a certain amount of subject matter expertise on what you're working on, and continually moving on that growth path in the business.
The Burden of Saying Yes
00:02:44
Speaker
Yeah. Also, GILTI is charged over here of being a yes person and equating that with high performance. and To be honest, ah I'd say that's because I was told I was a high performer when I was doing that and because I did that. so yeah yeah Also, we're not crazy. We didn't make this up. Yeah, but that's the perfect big way into the reality of Saying yes really often does tie into the perception of high performance, right? Whether or not they're directly connected is probably a different conversation, but high performers do tend to take on more.
00:03:19
Speaker
and say yes and become people pleasers a little bit, which does kind of lead you into the dark side a little bit. Yeah. So I think the first big aspect of the dark side is that you end up not just doing your work, but you do everyone else's work too. And you end up taking on more than is actually yours to take on because you can't, right? and I think that's probably what people would associate most commonly with high performers. and maybe not to wanting to be one, right? Is because that is the most commonly known dark side of high performances. Great, you figured out your efficiencies. You've mastered the way of working within your role. And rather than rewarding you for that, you're actually just going to take on more because you've figured out how to do it better and faster than your
Recognition and Resentment Issues
00:04:10
Speaker
peers. So instead of coaching them, instead of helping them get better or giving them the feedback on their quality of work,
00:04:17
Speaker
you, high performer, congratulations, just are going to take on part of theirs too. yeah Yeah. Yeah. It's so interesting, right? It's never been like, great, if I'm fast and I'm efficient, cool, I have this 20 hour work week. nos No, I have two full-time jobs, right? I deliver two full-time jobs worth of work. Output. Yeah, of output. Exactly. Exactly. So I think there's upside, right? Because I would say,
00:04:40
Speaker
I always took a lot of pride in being able to be a really high capacity person and be able to do more than anyone else and be able to take it on and be the yes person and get it done. um But the dark side of that was that that just became the norm and the expectation and it was not proportionally rewarded necessarily. And it's, are you taking on more and is that that a mutual thing or are you just taking on more and more and more?
00:05:09
Speaker
and the rest of the team continues to coast. yeah And for me, that often has created a sense of resentment, and that never actually leads to good things, even though it started out as this point of pride, and that's really a lot of ego for me. It eventually turns into a lot of anger and resentment that I'm like, why am I doing so much? Everyone else is doing so little relatively, and we're all getting paid the same,
00:05:39
Speaker
But I get a lot of verbal praise or a lot of accolades for that. Yeah. Why am I doing this? And we'll talk about solutions for this in future conversation. I think it's just another fascinating antiquated paradigm of business, right? What are we paying people for? Are we paying people for their output within this job description that we've created?
00:06:09
Speaker
Or are we paying people for how much they can take on and take on and take on in 40 hours? And I think those are two really different conversations. But I have found that managers that don't have the skill set to manage high performers really struggle as well. When you take on more and you take on more, they lose sight of how much you're doing.
00:06:34
Speaker
And then question why you can't get it done. They question why you're burned out. They question why you're frustrated. They question why you're resentful. But it's kind of like blaming the frog, right? They've also gotten so used to how much you can do without complaining that they've come to rely on you to just be able to do it. To just keep absorbing. Keep it moving. Yeah. It can create a really dark spiral if you don't manage those boundaries early with just because I can take on more it doesn't necessarily mean that's the right thing to be doing. yeah I've always really struggled to know what my highest priority things are ah when I've been in this space because I tend to take on take on take on take on and I don't take on low priority stuff I tend to take on high priority stuff and so
00:07:23
Speaker
I've always really struggled to say, which one of these should I focus on? Because the answer I've always gotten from my managers is those are all really important. And so from a managing high performance, I think is also very difficult. And also I created a lot of this because I will be like, Oh, I'll take that. Oh, I'll take that. I'll go ahead and take that. Right. Yeah.
00:07:44
Speaker
but it becomes a real issue around prioritization because when you've taken on enough that is visible and important, then there's no way to manage priorities around that. And there's no way to really drop anything without dropping something that's significant. There's an opportunity cost to the team too, though, because then you have one person carrying disproportionate value and other people not getting that experience necessarily or not getting the
00:08:16
Speaker
opportunity to try and to maybe fail. And I think that's another dark side of being a high performer is that you usually can pull it out of the bag yeah on the first try. And on the rare occasion that you can't, it is devastating and kind of shocking to everyone around you. It's like the the price you pay that it's like everyone has things that they're not good at or they don't do well or they're not able to deliver, but you know we have someone who takes on more and more and more and delivers really well most of the time.
The Loneliness of High Performance
00:08:50
Speaker
The things that don't go well are like bombs, emotionally to the performer, but also to everyone else. And then it feels even more unfair because you're like,
00:09:00
Speaker
That person is, they scrub all the time. And I think it's hard too, just because it's a lonely space to live, right? We've talked about the loneliness in being a people manager, but there's a loneliness in being a high performer too, because you really don't have the safety net of the high performer under you, unless you are on a team of high performers as well. But if you're struggling, you're usually the one taking on things for other people, but you don't have that channel as well for others who are able to jump in.
00:09:29
Speaker
on any and everything and be able to run with it. And it can be a hard place from a putting too much pressure on yourself, but also then creating the pressure that the business puts on you too. So you're really good at tackling all of these things, being able to run with little direction. But when it comes time for you know growth, new position, title, advancement, high-performance are frequently overlooked. And the dark side that we don't talk about is because we can really put ourself in to make our leader, our manager, our boss, whomever, dependent on us. And it becomes very difficult if you don't have a high EQ people manager or a manager that's really good at advocating for their team, no matter their level and experience, it gets hard to get out of your role and take on new and higher roles, which you would think would be the opposite. But research actually shows that it's common for high performers to be overlooked.
00:10:25
Speaker
And then of course there's a whole political game that plays into that too, which is a different conversation, but that reliance that you build with your manager. Like we can't afford to not be able to in this have this person in this role. And I've been in that position and I'm like, well, this is bullshit. Then why have I worked my ass off? You know, for this, some of this is that I think high performing people tend to be pretty conscientious of the environment and what's going on around them. And I do think sometimes people who are less conscientious just ask more. They just go for it more.
00:11:04
Speaker
For example, let's say there's a business that you know they're not performing as well financially as they thought they were going to. They're just barely making plan, but they're not quite... The high performer might see that, connect the dots and be like, okay, they're not going to be giving out promotions right now. They're not going to be giving out big raises right now. So I'm going to wait until the financial conditions are better, blah, blah, blah, because they're watching and putting the pieces together because they're very conscientious. Whereas someone who's not is, I think I should get a raise now. And so they ask, maybe they're a medium performer, but it's better to keep them than lose them.
00:11:34
Speaker
And so they get a raise. And so I think what makes high performers high performers can almost work against high performers because they are almost too conscientious. And when you're doing that much, you're like, surely they see and surely the acknowledgement is coming. Surely someone will be like, okay, yeah, the reward will be coming. Surely no one's going to just let me keep doing this
Self-Advocacy Challenges for High Performers
00:11:58
Speaker
forever. It is all about learning. How do I.
00:12:01
Speaker
accomplish what is set out for me and meet and exceed these exploit expectations, but at the same time advocate for myself. yeah And your people manager, the person in charge of you should be advocating for you, but no one can advocate for you more than you can advocate for yourself. And that's a hard hard space to be in. There's differences across the people that who are super high performers and also feel very comfortable being like, I am kicking ass and you should reward me for that. I think a lot of people don't and fall into people pleasing tendencies and take on more and more and more and and then we're waiting for the reward that doesn't come and then we feel so betrayed because of that. When I think about what I wish I had been taught a lot earlier in my career was not just how to take on more but how to take on more and ask for what felt fair to me. No one taught me that.
00:12:59
Speaker
But I think that some of this is probably temperament related because I crave approval. And so I take on more and I get approval. And for a while that's enough until I'm at a point where I'm like, wait a minute, this doesn't make sense. But I've gotten the gratitude and the praise that sustained me for a long enough time. That's a cycle a lot of people fall into. some of corporate dynamics we don't see behind the scenes too and the lack of transparency and tough conversations aren't happening. And so sometimes maybe we don't have all the information about the way that we're performing. And if we're truly on track for the things that we think we are, the raises, the titles, the promotions, but this dark side is just that self-advocacy sometimes works against us when you're a high performer who hasn't done it because it feels more abrasive. It feels more intense.
00:13:54
Speaker
because you haven't established the pattern that I'm going to advocate for myself. I'm going to ask the questions that pertain to my career, my performance, my advancement, and either one of two things happen. It just surprises the manager and it feels shocking because, whoa, whoa, whoa, why are you suddenly taking on a very different temperate? This isn't the deal, yeah. Yeah, this isn't how we established our working relationship and or somewhere in that cycle resentment started to build, frustration started to build and there's more emotion behind it now because it took longer to get to that point and it can come off as more abrasive than intended. Now that I've finally gotten to the point that I'm able to do it because you, manager, haven't seen all of the things that I expected you to see. Yeah, that's what's always happened for me is that I've gotten so to such a point of resentment that
00:14:52
Speaker
By the time I do it, I do it poorly.
Opportunities Amidst Burnout
00:14:56
Speaker
All right. Unfortunately, at that point, Courtney and I had a complete technical meltdown and we weren't able to finish the episode the way that we were planning. But rather than start over, we decided to just let it be what it was. So I will wrap us up with a few other comments. The first thing, being a high performer has a ton of upside. Both Courtney and I have experienced this a lot in our career that a lot of the opportunities ah we've been given a lot of the progress that we've been able to make has been because we have demonstrated a lot of the behaviors that we talked about in this episode that we do take on a lot and we have said yes to a lot and so there is absolutely attention
00:15:33
Speaker
of the upside and the dark side. We've both also experienced significant periods of burnout and a lot of resentment when we don't feel so seen or rewarded for the work that we have put in, especially when it's been really disproportionate. So I think it's just really important to name that there is an upside, big upside.
00:15:53
Speaker
that go along with these dark sides. Part of growing as a hyperformer and as a manager of hyperformers is taking a holistic view of high performance and learning to find some balance in there. So if you feel like you're delivering more than other people on your team or in your organization,
00:16:11
Speaker
or maybe you're not feeling proportionally rewarded or maybe you don't feel like the reward has come. You've been waiting for it and it hasn't come and you're not sure how to have that conversation. A couple of things that we'd recommend. One, taking some time to do a quick audit of your work and say what if this is actually mine and what of this have I absorbed or taken on that actually actually isn't mine or should be someone else's or actually fits into someone else's job role and see if there's an opportunity for you to create some space for yourself and to set some boundaries about what you take on and what you don't
Advice for High Performers and Managers
00:16:46
Speaker
take on. That can be really tough. I've been there. I get a lot of my self worth and value or I always have out of taking on more and more and being able to do it all. But recognize that in doing that you actually will max out at some point and then you will have to scale back much more than you really want to to recover from that. So first thing, take an audit, see what you are carrying and see if any of that is not actually yours to carry and if you can offload it. Another thing is to initiate a regular cadence of talking about your career progression and compensation with your manager so that you don't get to the point that Courtney and I talked about that we both had of not doing it for so long and expecting that it was coming from someone above you.
00:17:31
Speaker
And then when it didn't, and by the time you finally got frustrated enough to do it, it came out really abrasive and really intense. And it makes sense that it would come out intense at that point because you've built up a lot at that point.
00:17:46
Speaker
And so our recommendation is learn what we learned the hard way, maybe not quite as hard, and just start talking about your career more regularly with your manager. That could sound like in your next one-on-one saying, hey, I was hoping that we could maybe once a month or once a quarter, just check in on my career progression, check in on my next step, the next level and the capabilities required for it, and how I'm progressing toward that. I really want us to periodically talk about my progress.
00:18:15
Speaker
more frequently than annual performance reviews. Something like that can be really light, it can be really casual, but can establish that cadence of talking about it more regularly. If you are a manager of high performers, we have a whole other episode about this, but for the purposes of closing out this one, and really being mindful of the boundaries of your team and looking for opportunities for your high performers to peer coach,
00:18:40
Speaker
other peers if they need some help rather than just straight take on their work. Look for the people who are carrying things that aren't theirs and it's creating some inequity across the team. And then also initiate a regular cadence of talking about career progression and talking about compensation. Open the door so that it's a normal thing for your high performers so that no one's left in the dark. So you're not accidentally creating that really demotivating pattern of them waiting for a reward that's not coming way better to play that straight up with your high performers, much more likely to keep them engaged and spending less energy on frustration or resentment or wondering. So, couple of tips, we hope you enjoyed this short episode. Thanks for sticking with us and we'll see you next time.