Transcript
Speaker: My name is Jimmy Brown. The name of this song is I'm quitting Prozac to continue drinking. pill in one hand, a bottle in the other.
Speaker: I want to feel happy, but I just feel smothered. Prozac was supposed to ease the pain, but all it's done is melted my brain.
Speaker: I'm quitting Prozac to continue drinking. Here we are, ah podcast you all subscribe to or have ah stumbled upon today ah through Reddit link or Tumblr, Chamber of Reason with Derek, Pierce, and Matthew.
Speaker: And it's the 49th episode of the podcast. You got to stop doing that. Please. Please stop. i've I've asked you to stop kind of as a joke, but I really don't want you to name the number of the episode. It's decisively not the 49th. It's a running We already released that. It's a running gag that we do to harass Derek. It's working.
Speaker: It's an example of bullying, really. It is. And our our special guest ah is Jimmy Brown. Right. My name is Jimmy Brown. I'm here.
Speaker: Thanks for agreeing to share your experiences and truths on our podcast, Jim. Right. Yeah. Well, how much does this pay? It's actually based on the length of time that you're on and the amount of time that you spend speaking. So you're going to have to interrupt us if you want to get paid more. How much does it pay per minute? Like I said, it depends on the amount of words that you inject. But if you're able to put out 120 words per minute, you paid. less than 120 words, unfortunately, there is no pay. Yeah. You have to break that seal. If you spend a minute doing two words per second, you'll get a handsome $10 for that single minute.
Speaker: Right. So if i talk a lot, you're saying that I could... get a bit of money. Yeah, I can see that you're warming up right now, but it doesn't look good for you so far. Well, let's ah pitch you a softball. Jim, where where are you calling in from today? I'm in the American city of Las Vegas.
Speaker: That must be ah pretty different from ah Sheffield or Windsor. I'm not from Sheffield. i'm not I'm from Manchester. But it must be different from Sheffield. It's a bit different. I mean, it's it's the same really in a way. Like...
Speaker: i Las Vegas is like lots of fat fucks walking about, like eating shit food, drinking alcohol, gambling. Sheffield's a bit the same, except it's just like,
Speaker: The people just not as weird. like They talk normal, but in Las Vegas, they talk funny and weird. you know So it's really it's quite similar. I think you're wrong. Okay, so you are speaking with authority, which is a good sign. And i don have you back shefield have you been to Sheffield?
Speaker: I've never been to Sheffield. I just know about the lads from Sheffield. Which ones? The Arctic Monkeys? arc Arctic Monkeys. well What about the regular Monkeys? They must be from Sheffield as well.
Speaker: I'm not familiar with the regular monkeys. The monkeys with two E's? Don't they sing, so happy together? Oh, like the band The Monkeys, not the animal. Not the animal. i think You're not familiar with the animal monkeys? Is that what you just said?
Speaker: Well, I just know about the animal monkeys because I've heard that like human genetics is like a derivative of like monkey genetics. like At some point many, many years ago, some monkeys were fucking and then it turned into a human somehow.
Speaker: There's a through line. I think ah several pregnancies eventually resulted in a guy. The secret is pregnancies. That's, ah you know, a million monkeys with typewriters or infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters is often invoked as ah as a way to describe the inevitability of any given thing. But it should just be about them fucking a million pregnancies and producing not a work of Shakespeare, but Shakespeare himself. Right.
Speaker: um Yeah, do you have a million monkeys? um i don't have access to a million monkeys. don't know if there are a million monkeys left in the world. don't we kill most of them? is that Is that what happened or is that like a hypothetical?
Speaker: I don't know if anyone's actually attempted to put... There's so... I mean, monkeys are are rare these days. I want to say typewriters are becoming rarer. The paper that you would need. i mean, just think about the deforestation that would result from this single process. That's why I feel like it has to be more ejaculation-based. Right.
Speaker: Well, you know, I were in um Denver, Colorado, in the American... What is this? A continent or country? i believe it's North America.
Speaker: Are you talking about, are you trying to say state? The American state? Yeah, the American state of Colorado. What do they have in England, by the way? Do they have provinces or? I don't know. It's just like a bunch of weird like pieces of land, really. I don't know. Like a Sheffield.
Speaker: That's in Yorkshire. guys have same concept of of like boundaries between various lands. Right. Because it's like we have Yorkshire, we have Sheffield, we have York. And yeah, it's like different places, but it's just filled with the same weird people, like fat people, alcoholics. The kind of people you see in these Vegas casinos.
Speaker: Exactly. So it's the same. So I don't understand why there are any boundaries or states or things like that because everyone in the world just seems to be the same to me. It's just some people talk funny and some don't.
Speaker: I've always felt that way. um And it's interesting that someone who's from someone who is your next door neighbor could sustain a head injury and then start, you know, talking funny.
Speaker: And that's so interesting. It's almost like a head injury is a quick trip ah across the pond. Right. I don't understand what you mean. Just the idea that ah some kind of mental injury can result in slurred speech or ah something like that.
Speaker: and Someone can get brain damage. Oh, right. You're saying that there's two ways to talk funny. You could be from someplace that's not normal, like the US, s where you don't talk normal. Or someone could be battered in the head and also talk funny. Yeah, one that's one of the virtues or but benefits, I guess, of getting battered.
Speaker: Right. Now, as a British person, I'm curious about some of your slang and even witticisms, but do you do you think that there's a real difference between getting battered and getting thumped?
Speaker: Well, I like the word battered more because it's evocative of the battered sausage, which I am so fond of, or even a fish and chips, which is not fish. It's really battered fish. So I quite like the word battered because it not only evokes violence, but it evokes the deliciousness of consuming the flesh of a dead animal.
Speaker: Any word that has a culinary association, that's just like, it's it's truly icing on the cake for you. i mean, why not salivate ah while also having words mean something?
Speaker: Yeah, exactly. Have you ever been to an American ah pub, which we call bar here, and you've said, I'm getting pissed, and people kind of back away from you because they think something something wrong is happening?
Speaker: Yes, I've noticed. I often say that I'm pissed, and people say, what's wrong? And I say, no, nothing's wrong. It's right. It's right to be pissed. They say, no, that's wrong because it doesn't means you're angry, but I'm not angry. I'm just pissed.
Speaker: How would you say that you're getting... You would just say, I'm getting angry? I would just say, yes, I'm infuriated. I'm deeply unsettled by the situation hand. I'm not happy about it. Yeah, that's unambiguous. But I would also say that I'm pissed because I'm an alcoholic, so I'm perpetually pissed. So at any moment,
Speaker: It would be true that I'm pissed. I can imagine it would be infuriating for a Brit to hear American Zoomers doing their 6-7 routine because 6-7 over there, it means that you're out of sorts, right? I'm all sixes and sevens.
Speaker: I didn't know that. You don't know that? I don't even know about the Zoomer thing. What is this? I don't i don't know what the Zoomer... What is the Zoomer? A Zoomer. God, how do you answer that question and keep and keep the ball rolling? Well, and in 10 years, this won't make sense, but they're they're sort of tykes. Or they're not. Alpha is tykes.
Speaker: Well, in 10 years, when people are listening to this, that won't work. Zoomers are like Caleb, Cameron, and Patrick, if that means anything to you, Jimmy Brown. No. What does that mean to me? What does that mean? They're they're kind of guy that you find in kind of young young people's zones, I guess.
Speaker: Yeah. I've got to ask, you're in Vegas. Have you sampled the ah ah food there? I know they're known for their, what are they called? Potlucks? Not potlucks.
Speaker: Pop-ups. No, all-you-can-eat. Buffet. Buffet. Yes. Yeah, so I've had it i've had an all-you-can-eat sushi dinner. tea really, I've got an all-you-can-eat sushi tea.
Speaker: So sushi is just like fish and chips, but the fish is not cooked, it's not battered or anything, it's just like raw flesh of an aquatic animal.
Speaker: um It was quite nice. They did have battered options, they had deep-fried sushis, such as the booty call, the who's your daddy, who's your pimp. ah And it was just, yeah, it was lovely. It was just like, it was really just like a fish and chips, except it was like wrapped in rice and with some weird sauce.
Speaker: So yeah, the cuisine here is quite nice. It was a sexual, kind of a sex-themed buffet, just going off the labels. Well, yeah, I mean, that's, that's, that was the conclusion that I came to. I mean, they had some like non sexual names like Lotus Flower, for example. But then they also had these odd sexual ones like Booty Call.
Speaker: And I, you know, I deeply abhor sex. I think it's just a foul and grotesque activity that animals engage in. And I try to evade that activity at all costs. But I feared that consuming like a battered sushi with a sexual name would make me horny or something disgusting like that, but it really didn't. It just tasted like starch really. So it was all right. It's just, I think it was like and ah a fruitful name to draw in people who are like maybe masturbation addicts or pornography addicts just to make them eat the sushi, but it had nothing to do with pornography or sex, which was nice. That's interesting to hear because in my mind, if you have those names in a sushi buffet, it's because the sushi buffet is like at a strip club.
Speaker: Right. Well, yes, ah this was not at a strip club. It was just like some weird place in Las Vegas. Do you think if you ate the sexual sushi and did become horny, that would put you at risk of having intercourse in the near future?
Speaker: That would be my fear, yes. I don't want to eat food that provokes sexual feelings. you know Have you read ah ah my autobiography, Brown Brown, volume two, my second autobiography? No, I have not.
Speaker: Yes, I mean, I go into some of the overlap between um food and sex in that, and it's deeply troubling. You know, I only engage in sexual activities... for two reasons, for transactional reasons or because I have a biological tribe too. I try to masturbate fewer than five times per day.
Speaker: ah just think it's disgusting and why would you do it more than five times per day? i mean, you know, But yeah, for transactional purposes, I did stay with Chris, the pub landlord of Ye Olde Cock in Didsbury.
Speaker: I stayed at his gaff for free and I just had to give him a handy once in a while or like he would just like pour salad cream down my throat, which I like because I like salad cream. I think he were like feeling it in a sexual way, but I was just enjoying the food aspect of it. it's quite interesting. I wonder if there's a way for you to only engage in ah sexual activities that are either euphemistically referred to as food items or to have, you know, the same the same attitude you had about pouring salad cream down your throat.
Speaker: I wonder if if you could, you know, i don't want to be rude or crass, but I wonder if you could eat pussy if you thought it was food. Right. Like if a bird would the say to me, like, eat this sausage roll.
Speaker: But then it's really her vaginal cavity. that what you mean? In a way, yeah. In a manner of speaking, I think that's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. I mean, that would be a... I mean, I think that would be like a really intelligent way for someone to manipulate me into doing that. But the thing is, I am intimately familiar with sausage rolls and I would never mistake a vagina for a sausage roll. They look really different. A sausage roll...
Speaker: looks far more like a penis. Like a bloke would have a much easier time of it if they were to say like, so you know, eat this sausage roll, but really I would like sucking him off, you know. That's why I think a blindfold would have to be kind of, it's interesting that dogs, when you do the peanut butter trick on dogs, they have a cognitive... What's the peanut butter trick?
Speaker: What's the peanut trick? Why are you so desperate? Well, they don't have peanut butter bar over there, I think. Well, the peanut butter trick is, ah well, I guess it's simple it's a simple trick ah where a man... you learned it in day one of magic school. Yeah. you You have to use peanut butter, basically, as kind of a trick.
Speaker: And you cover you cover your penis with... or you Yeah, you coat the entire penis with peanut butter, which a lot of dogs are drawn to. Right. And they'll suck off the trickster. Or not suck. They'll lick off the trickster. You know, no one's ever had to blindfold their dog so that the peanut butter trick goes off without a hitch. I find that so interesting because dogs don't know what giving head is. So it's almost like they're blind to it immediately. i think if someone did the sausage roll trick on you, to coin a phrase, you would, first of all, you need to be blindfolded. And second of all, there probably would need to be a real sausage roll in there.
Speaker: But if those two things happen, I feel like it's off to the races. Because you know what they look like. I think if you wanted to truly manipulate me, yes, i know that I know the taste of a penis. I know the taste of a sausage.
Speaker: But if you were to batter the penis, like coat it in a bit of like whatever they use for the batter, and then I would bite into it, then that that that could effectively manipulate me in a peanut butter trick kind of way. But yeah, if you were not to batter the penis, I would just place the penis in my mouth and I would say, this just tastes like a penis, really. It doesn't have a sausage roll flavor. It just tastes like penis. This is wrong. I think the way to sort of nail the trick is to have you eat a what looks like a sausage roll, consume it fully, digest it, and then at the end reveal that it had been a penis. And that part of the trick is called the prestige.
Speaker: But the problem is, I feel like the human digestive tract is just, it it affects the things you put in too much. It's like, I'll eat like a chicken or like you know, like a hot dog. And then I shit it out and it looks absolutely nothing like what I have put in, you know what I mean? Looks aure. So it's like, yeah it just looks like feces, really. it's just like a brown, like liquid or like solid, mostly liquid for me. I'm an alcoholic.
Speaker: so it looks So if I were to consume a penis and it just comes out as liquid feces, it wouldn't really evoke the imagery of the penis. Digestion makes the and guess yeah the objects of our attention kind of indistinct. It's the main function of the digestive system.
Speaker: and I've seen feces that look like penises. I'm not going to say whose. The same shape. it's not from swallowing a penis. That's sheer luck. It has the same shape, yes. I mean, I do actively agree with that, but it's just like a different texture, really, a different odor. Feces has a very foul odor. I abhor the odor of feces. It's just really disgusting.
Speaker: Have you been to Germany? Yes. So you know how in Germany, maybe you'll you'll you'll know exactly what I'm getting at before I even have to explain it, but in in the German toilet bowls, they don't use a ton of water in the way that toilet bowls in the States do. And that's because the German people like to sniff their fecals after after they defecate so that they can tell if they're sick. Whereas Americans would rather not know that information and simply have the smell disappear. Yeah.
Speaker: So do the I'm curious, does the UK have a relationship with toilet water and do they sniff their feces after defecating to figure out whether or not they're ill? I've not done that, but you know, like when I defecate, I don't like, I just leave it be. I don't even flush. I think that's like a bit too much work for me.
Speaker: ah just kind of leave it there and then I exit the toilet and then that's and then I'm done. I don't really, i don't do all that. If a bird comes over, she might flush it. But only only in those moments when you have company is the toilet going to get addressed.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean, I don't know really. Have you been to um Greece? Yes. This European country or city or whatever it is? Never. i think they said that's where like all the philosophers are from who developed like um culture or whatever, like philosophy things. The invention of pederasty.
Speaker: Yeah. Well, they... ah You know, they don't, um, you can't, you cannot, um, you cannot put the, the, uh, toilet roll in, in the toilet there. Cause you know that.
Speaker: Right. You have to put in the trash nearby in the bin. Yeah. you have to put it in the, you have to put it in the bin. Yeah. You wipe it, you wipe yourself and then put the feces stained paper in the bin. Yeah. It's accessible to everybody that comes into the room after. It's just stored for later. And I asked why and I was i was told many different reasons why. i don't know which one is the real one. Some said that there's restrictions on producing toilet roll that melt. What do you call it when like ah the toilet roll melts in the water? Is that melting or what's the word? Dissolving, think. Dissolving, yes.
Speaker: I was told that maybe they are not legally allowed to produce toilet roll that dissolves in the water. But I've also been told that the plumbing system is just a bit shit really. And they, it can't withstand like the paper. Well, guess shit eventually does, i guess kind of like a corpse or any, any horrible thing eventually kind of does its thing and decays or little animals take care of it.
Speaker: But bugs, I think. Having a shit stained piece of toilet paper is much more manageable for a bug. i mean, i think you need a lot of bugs to process a full set of turds.
Speaker: I mean, you would probably need like a sculpture minded beetle in order to do anything productive with with a huge turd. Well, especially in the city.
Speaker: In the city, yeah. um Well, based on those two explanations that you received, Jim, I feel like they're kind of, they go hand in hand. If the sewer system can't handle non-dissolving toilet paper and the toilet paper doesn't dissolve, then I would reckon you shouldn't be flushing the toilet paper.
Speaker: I've always wondered, does shit dissolve just in the pipes? Because if the sewer system can't handle dissolving paper, or if the sewer system can't handle paper that doesn't dissolve, I mean, what is happening to that huge backlog of shit? I mean, like, there has to be bugs down there. Right, because often shit, probably not yours, Jim, as a drinker. Mine is purely liquid. It's not. Right. It's no solid. It's pre-dissolved.
Speaker: Yeah. And ethanol. Yeah, exactly. But what were you saying? Oh, just that most people's shit is probably firmer than paper. yeah that's ah Yeah, that's the point you're making.
Speaker: It's almost like wood. Almost. i mean It's brown. Yeah. i'm good Well, when you think about it, it's like, take a piece of toilet roll, right? And you like hold it up. You can stick your finger through it and it would be broken, right?
Speaker: And then if you take a piece of feces and you stick your finger in it, it's there's a hole in it also. So it's like the same... I would say the same really a way. There's a hole or, you know, sometimes if it is, ah kind of dense, a dent at best, but I think even with a hole, the shit often will retain its basic structure as sort of a self healing property.
Speaker: Yeah, definitely. you have any, um, I'm thinking that decay, uh, I've got to ask if you have any plans for your body after death. Uh, yes. Uh, Do you have cheesy chips in America? ah Can you explain? oh chips are French fries, right? Yeah, fri yeah. What kind of cheese you put on them? We would probably put on American cheese.
Speaker: I don't know. like It's just like white cheese, really. It's just like white. We have cheesy chips, but we call them nachos. Do you know about this? Uh, no. Nachos?
Speaker: Yeah, I've had that. it's It's an import from Mexico. Yeah, yeah it's bit too spicy for me. um I don't do well with flavor or spice or things like that. But yeah, I've ah i've dabbled.
Speaker: So anyway, you were talking about cheesy trip or cheesy chips. Yes, I would like to just be I would just like to be buried in the cheese and a bit of garlic mayo. Can I ask why? no, no I just like it.
Speaker: Okay, but you won't be able to enjoy that. Do you imagine you're being sort of buried in this stuff like in a pauper's grave? are you being buried in this actively at the funeral where people can enjoy it? oh No, I just, I would like, you know, it's like if you have like, a you know, sometimes like you get some stodge and it's like meat based and it's kind of like with like a cheesy sauce, you know?
Speaker: And it's like the flavor of the meat and the oil and the fat is like immersing with the cheese. So i would just really like that. It's like as my body decays. I understand you like eating it, but well, I guess put it another way. Would you, would you prefer to have it happen after you die or would you prefer to just have it happen as you're going?
Speaker: Right. Oh, but don't matter to me. Either way is all right. Same end result. You a sort of glorified shit. Mostly, uh, Yeah, I guess you are kind of mostly oil and fat.
Speaker: and Yeah. And hair. and siveve And in my case, I'm very fat. You know, I'm obese. So I would... You know, I wrote a song once called I'll Be Thin When I'm Dead. That's about how I'm fat when I'm alive. But when I die, my skeleton will be thin as everyone's bones are just kind of thin. and Do you think that when you go to heaven or hell um that your body looks like it does after you die or before you die?
Speaker: i think it will look like... um I don't know. and think it would look like... I don't i don't understand the question when you repeat it. So when you get to the afterlife, do you think you look like yourself when you're 19? Or do you think you look like yourself when your skin is kind of rotting off and you're turning to a skeleton? And eventually everyone in the afterlife is just a skeleton.
Speaker: Oh, right. If the afterlife exists, do I look like... If. Yeah, that's something that has always deeply troubled me existentially. I don't want to be fat on earth and in heaven. I would hope that if I am a moral man and i lead a good life and I go to heaven, I hope that I will look like a proper...
Speaker: person and not a fat piece of shit but I won't go to heaven i will go to hell so that doesn't even concern me have you seen the ah the Matrix it's an American film and in the Matrix they have something called a residual self image which is how one sees themself Right.
Speaker: That's how they appear in The Matrix. ah No, I've not seen it. Is it all right? It's all right. Yeah. It's really good. Oh, is it? um No, I've not seen it. um I don't really like the film or cinema.
Speaker: What do you like to consume? I mean, ah do you go in for the bard? Are you a fan of Shakespeare? Or are you a fan of Ricky Gervais and his comedy stylings? ah No, I don't know either of those things. ah What are they? Yeah.
Speaker: um what you saying that what Weren't you saying that the monkeys wrote those books? i was I was hinting that the monkeys were attempting to write those books, but I guess I thought that everyone was familiar with Shakespeare and Ricky Gervais. It's very possible we have this sort of myopic ah understanding of Across the Pond.
Speaker: It's possible Shakespeare and who's the other person you mentioned? The Bard? Yeah. Those two guys? Shakespeare and the Bard are kind of American products that have been kind of branded as...
Speaker: What do you call? You call us Anglos? ah What do you call Americans? is there a pejorative term for Americans that Brits use? What does pejorative mean? It means ah like a slur. like Cruel.
Speaker: If you were to call us Spanners. i would call you a Yank. call you a Yank. Yeah. so maybe maybe Ricky Gervais is simply Yank slop from across this pond. You know, maybe he's only good over here.
Speaker: He's the fat fuck, right? Yeah. Now you're getting it. Yeah. Large. Yeah. Right. I think isn't a John Oliver and James Corden. Those are sort of like stock British men who aren't really popular in England.
Speaker: But in America, we celebrate them as sort of being living legends. Right. So you don't go in for British comedy, Jim. No, I don't really. Well, you know, I'm physiologically incapable of smiling or laughing. So I would love to laugh and experience the happiness that comes with that. But unfortunately, it's just not physiologically possible for me.
Speaker: So I don't really go for that. No. Can you appreciate the differences between American and British comedy or you haven't even invested enough energy into into learning about like our great comedic exports like Jim or I guess he's a Jim Carrey's Canadian but Dane Cook he's Canadian. Well as far as comedy I just like like something that's like heartwarming a bit like The Minions Despicable Me i quite like.
Speaker: I understand. And if I were able to laugh, I think that the Minions would really make me laugh a lot because I think they're quite funny. They just frolic around, bouncing up and down, being yellow. And that to me is like the essence of comedy. It's just like some weird creatures just bouncing about, really, and just quite nice. I think that's French comedy. I think the Minions is is a French intellectual property. Do you have any feelings about French culture, French people?
Speaker: Yeah, quite like France. I quite like ah beef tartare and, ah you know, I quite like foie gras. Have you eaten foie gras? Never. you know the process by which the foie gras is made? Do you ever envy a foie gras goose? I mean, is that the kind of life? Yeah, that's precisely what i was going to say. I just...
Speaker: I really identify with these geese who are just being force fed constantly until the liver explodes because to me that would seem like a really nice life and then for them to sacrifice their liver for the good of humanity is just a really beautiful and profound, it's just quite nice.
Speaker: I have always imagined the goose is probably enjoying it on some level. It's, it's, it's pleasure, even if it's too much sense. It's like being tickled, I imagine, or the, there's that famous ah meme, I think. What what is it? when when you're done and she keeps sucking or what is it? Not done. Nut. When you nut and she keeps sucking, I think refers to the, uh, and maybe you are familiar with this, Jim, the feeling of increased sensitivity after an orgasm that, uh, men and I believe women experience as well.
Speaker: Uh, I guess I'm imagining the goose having an experience kind of like that with the food. I'm not even sure what they're eating exactly. Maybe you said, That meme is associated with images of pain and discomfort, though.
Speaker: But there's got to be. There's got to be something to it I mean, I've experienced that experience. I'm not familiar with the meme. What do you mean by nuts? Like peanut? No, ah again, returning back to the prior subject of penises and coming. but or I'm not sure we addressed coming, but I guess when the penis comes ah or the clitoris comes, does a clitoris come? Comes off. When the clitoris comes off,
Speaker: When the penis ejaculates, you can continue to stimulate it or a partner or stranger can continue to stimulate it. And my understanding is that ah there's an increased sensitivity so that you're feeling, I guess, sort of a like the evil cousin of pleasure, but it's a bit much.
Speaker: The evil cousin of pleasure. That's well said. I wonder what is the evolutionary advantage of having increased sensitivity after the moment of arrival? I mean, shouldn't shouldn't all sensations simply be dulled after that moment? Shouldn't you have a period of like Mario Kart invincibility after an orgasm? Right. Why should it make you want to push your sex partner or stranger away? No, you should it should you should you should be able to slam your dick in the door after ejaculating. That's how and invincible you should feel.
Speaker: Well, that's not really my... I mean, that's just biology, really. and It's like we don't really have much control over that. It's like, you know, like I was saying earlier, like these monkeys, like they were fucking a long time ago and then somehow all their fuckings turned into humans.
Speaker: But it just takes like a long time and it's just not something you can really control. So like, for example, teeth, like do you have teeth. I can't really see your faces or mouths. I have to compliment you on your teeth. I feel like they're uncharacteristic for a Brit. they're You've got all of them and they seem to be of the same shade and they're not so snaggly. Yeah.
Speaker: But it's just a bit weird because like I have gum disease. You have gum disease. Gingivitis. Yeah. i have I have receding gu gums. Yeah.
Speaker: So that could all be evaded our teeth were not like together, you know like ah like a wolf, for example. their teeth ain't together and they're all separated out so no little bits and bobs get stuck in between them.
Speaker: But then humans like die of these gingivitis related ailments. So it's like, why did not the evolutionary, why didn't evolution just have us with the separated teeth?
Speaker: I mean, British people did evolve that, I reckon, and it must be to protect their their gums from all of the alcohol and cigarettes. ah Their speech suffers as a result, and the aesthetics of their teeth certainly suffer, but I imagine that it's impossible for food to get stuck in between a British person's teeth, and I'm talking about the average British person.
Speaker: Well, unfortunately, I don't think that's true. And I think that we can say all we want about we should be able to slam our penises in the door. We should be able to eat anything without the food getting, the bits and bombs getting caught between. But unfortunately, we just have to wait many thousands of years until those improvements are made and it's just really unfair because we know what the problems are but yet we can't solve them it's just like only by fucking over and over and over again for thousands of years are those problems solved it's a bit weird really it doesn't make sense it's like why be alive if you can't even live to see these changes which you know should happen and you just have to fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck for thousands of years just it doesn't it don't make much sense to me really but that's apparently uh
Speaker: biology and science works and I just don't think it's right. Are you familiar with the ancient British practice of cuckoldry? Cuckoldry is that when like a bloke watches his wife having sex with another bloke. Yeah, I imagine that it's kind of tapping into what you're talking about is just having a brief insight into the process of evolution in real time. That's why they do it. you know Right.
Speaker: That's why Darwin did that. That's why Darwin did that. Well, what about dogging? Dogging is quite popular in England. What is that? That's ah public sex. It's called dogging?
Speaker: They call it dogging, yeah. Why is that? Can you explain? Because you're you're fucking just like dogs right right out in public. Hmm. No, I think that's an abhorrent activity. I don't think that's right.
Speaker: If you need to have a wank somewhere, it in like the toilet number of a Macca's, but like even then the door is locked and no one can see it. But I don't want to see anyone like wanking or fucking or anything like that. I think it's disgusting.
Speaker: And that's why they have toilets and things like that where you can lock the door just so you can have a wank or whatever it is. Have a shit. I'm not sure you have them ah over in in Manchester, ah but I definitely spend a good amount of time as ah as a youth a masturbating in Starbucks bathrooms.
Speaker: you you and Oh, right. Maybe you, got other Americans have... They don't really drink coffee over there though, right? t Well, we have a Starbucks, but I've not had a wink there. I mean, this is just a bit posh for me. It's a bit expensive, really. I recommend it. I'm going to invest amount of money. I would invest it in alcohol, not in coffee or caffeine.
Speaker: So I don't find myself in the Starbucks often, but is that a good place to wink? I really do recommend it, Jim, because they they actually enacted a new policy, i think, five or seven years back after getting some backlash for ah not letting people of color use the bathrooms at many of the Starbucks's.
Speaker: and many of those starbuckses They made a policy where now you can use, anyone can walk into a Starbucks and use the bathroom without having to buy anything. So it's sort of a free place to free release release your letters. have a free use policy.
Speaker: Oh, well, i think that's I think that's good. I think anyone should be able to do whatever they like in these toilets when the door is locked. I don't see problem with that. Jim, what do you think about, ah you know, you just said you have Starbucks over there in England, which kind of blows my mind. What do you think about the kind of Americanization of your homeland? It feels like kind of reverse colonization.
Speaker: You know, I'm very supportive of it because I think it's only been good. We've had the Maccas, we have the KFC, which is quite nice. Recently, a new um establishment has been brought to our land, which I quite like, called Popeyes. It's a bit battered chicken, really, fried chicken. it's quite nice. So to me, it's not, I don't see what the problem with that is. A bit more battered chicken, a bit of stodge, like what's the problem with that, really?
Speaker: Right, it's just a bit more. Is there anything you'd like to see imported to America that we don't have over here? Well, yeah. I mean, I've not seen a battered sausage anywhere. It's like many places will have a fish and chips, and it's quite shit usually, but, you know, it's just starch really. It's just like flesh that's been battered.
Speaker: And if they don't have a fish and chips, they'll have some battered flesh, like a fried chicken, for example. so ah But I would like a battered sausage. ah are you Are you ever in the kitchen? Is that something you're capable of making or is it something you're able to request ah when you perform? Yeah, rider. Your rider, yeah.
Speaker: oh My rider, yeah. Well, my rider is just like ah beer, really. i mean, I don't... ah I'm a fat fuck and I like to eat excessively to quell the emotional pain that I feel perpetually, but...
Speaker: It's just never like at the top of my mind that like they should be providing me with some food, some sludge. But then like I get paid for doing the gigs and I'm pissed from drinking the beers. And then I just have couple quid in my pocket. And then usually there's like a KFC or something just meters away that I can go and just like use some of the money that I've earned to purchase like the chicken or whatever it is.
Speaker: I know that a lot of ah teens... uh sneak into your shows do you do you appreciate the fact that you're a role model and that a lot of i mean i know that you might think that your life is horrible and that you drink away the pain but i mean how do you feel about the your your community of fans who who think that you're living the good life i think it's a bit weird really i mean I often am asked, like, what is your songwriting process? Or, like, how do i achieve what you've achieved? And I just tell all these children the same thing. I just say, write songs about being fat, write songs about being an alcoholic, and that's worked for me.
Speaker: And that's the only advice I can really give because I don't know any other path. do they have a Do they have sober people in England? Or is...
Speaker: yeah they do yeah is that something you've ever dabbled with sobriety what's life like for them i don't know but to answer matt's question yes i've dabbled in sobriety two hours here and there it's very painful though and i just go back to the bottle what about veganism i know you like a bit of stodge but um how do you feel about vegans do you find them to be uh you know shrill Well, you know, I don't, I'm not very judgmental of them, even though I like a bit of flesh and I like the taste of the suffering. That's, you know, that's my only issue with ah veganism because ah recently I watched this film Bambi. Have you seen it?
Speaker: Yes. I watched Bambi and then I i contemplated veganism after watching Bambi. ah but it wasn't for me.
Speaker: Why? ah it was just sad to see Bambi's mom so brutally and heinously murdered. When I see something like Bambi's mother get shot in ah in a film like that, I think, well, surely the hunter must have had a good reason for inflicting this much suffering. And then i suppose there's two reactions to watching Bambi. One is becoming instantly vegan and the other is trying a bit of venison. Right.
Speaker: But it's interesting because Bambi, the hunters don't drag the mom away after the slaying. you'd you'd think You'd think that they were killing her to eat or to put on display, but they simply shoot and bounce. I think there's even like ADR of like, we just shot this deer. We have to get the hell out of here. Let's go.
Speaker: I just don't think food tastes as good when you when you when you can't taste the suffering of... of the animal like ideologically would i would love to just see vegan stodge and not have any bambi mums suffer but unfortunately it just tastes better when there's like extreme pain and suffering involved in the process that makes sense i mean that's probably true when it comes to pigs or highly intelligent animals but they say that cows can't feel anything so how does that explain how tasty a cheeseburger is Oh, cows can't feel anything.
Speaker: They can't. Oh, right. Yeah, you might have to excise it from your diet because it's just like eating a mushroom or a plant. Well, I quite like a burger. Hmm. Well, maybe I'm sure that she's on the cheeseburger has some element of suffering, whether or not the the cow's nervous system, the chicken suffer producing the the eggs. But I feel like milk is like a cow suffer producing the milk. Right. Well, the milk is the egg of the cow. But yeah, the cow like that's meant for the for the calf. And so just on a just when you zoom out, like philosophically speaking, I feel like eating milk is a process is created by some kind of suffering. Right. Unless it's unless you're so unless you're suckling from your very own mother. That's the only time where there's truly no suffering. I think there's even suffering with breastfeeding. Well, I think there's a bit of suffering because like when the mom produces the baby, it has to expand the vaginal cavity. and I think it's a very painful process, lots of blood and things like that.
Speaker: Yeah, it's supposedly agony. And the breastfeeding process too, I think there's often a sort of a certain amount of gnawing that happens. Are you talking about humans? Because in cows, they don't feel anything.
Speaker: Yeah, i was talking about humans. My bad. Well, i know I know firsthand that it is rather painful to breastfeed because I am able to lactate and I have breastfed my son. Really? Yes.
Speaker: I'm so sorry to hear that you're you have a child. I have two, yeah. ah What a shame. were they like Do they have names? Oh, yeah. They're both called Tanner. um first son, Tanner...
Speaker: was taken from me by the courts. um But that's all right because I learned later that he's a narcissist. He has narcissistic personality disorder. Everything is just about him, his needs. He's crying all the time. He's begging.
Speaker: He don't care about me. He don't do nothing for me. You made the right call. Or the courts did. The court's made the right call, yeah, Judge Miranda Roberts. But now I have a new son called Tanner, who's just a much better, just a much more pure specimen and really... ah Quite nice child.
Speaker: And he's attentive to your needs? When you are breastfeeding him, is that satisfaction? Oh, well, I've not breastfed him. i You know, ah his mom don't really want me to see him, so I've not seen him much. But what I have seen, I like. and i think he's quite a good child.
Speaker: What makes a child British? ah What makes the child British? i don't know. I guess if they were born in the United Kingdom, it'd be a bit British, really, wouldn't it?
Speaker: Yeah, that seems fair. Well, as I meant more like, is it the the Punch and Judy shows or, you know, the mushy peas or whatever they eat? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't eat peas. I mean, I do have a complex relationship with peas.
Speaker: Mom fed me peas. I don't really like vegetable matter, but I do... kind of like peas, but I think it's because mom fed me peas and I have some weird like sexual attraction to women that feed me peas. And I think it's because something connected to mom.
Speaker: Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, you were saying that you enjoy the taste of suffering. So I assume that your feelings about lab-grown meat are are less than ambivalent, probably actively disregarding the the concept of lab-grown meat because it doesn't solve your problem, which is that suffering is the best part of meat. But Maybe lab-grown plants for you would be something better if they were given a nervous system that was allowed to feel pain. Maybe then you would have a predilection for vegetable matter.
Speaker: I mean, it's quite possible and you know, it's a very complex topic because like one of my favorite foods in fact is chips. And I've learned recently that that's made, it's not meat. In fact, it's actually made from some sort of vegetable or a plant.
Speaker: And I don't understand how there are most of these things that green and weird and they're not nice, but then a chip is like one of the nicest things well i mean two in the world. To your credit or counterpoint to what Pierce added.
Speaker: i I would assume that the food scientists working on who develop chips and lab-grown meat do suffer immensely as they try to obtain research grants and kind of the the the so the stress of i mean having a career, especially under Trump, honestly. Yeah.
Speaker: Trump doesn't make it easy. Right. I mean, Jim, you could probably enjoy any food as long as you're picturing Donald Trump and the suffering of the Iranian people and ah day laborers. It's all happening while while food is being produced. Any food really. consider just the wrongs of global capitalism. i feel like every food instantly becomes meat.
Speaker: Right. Well, yeah, it's possible. i mean, I don't know. it's Again, it's a complex topic because Donald Trump is like, a lot lots of people don't like him. I don't know much about his policies. I just know that he is an aspirational figure as he is an obese world leader. and I feel like the obese such as me don't have representation in the way that we should in a global scale. And while he may be a bad person, in many ways, at least he is fat. You seek power?
Speaker: ah No. Okay, so you said he was an aspirational figure because he's a fat leader. I wonder what's aspirational? Just in that he's fat, but also he's probably like... He's on TV. He's rich and like he can eat as much Maccas as he likes.
Speaker: And Maccas is his McDonald's, right? i just want to I just want to make sure we're clarifying that. Yes. Yes, it's a food establishment. What's your go-to order? Oh, just like ah chips and like double cheeseburger or something like that.
Speaker: Wow, you really like Mac chicken. Chicken too. yeah they They do have good, they do have excellent chicken there. Chicken too, huh? And the McDouble is on the value menu, or at least was, so it should be pretty affordable. This guy is fat. He gets a double cheeseburger, for fries, and chicken.
Speaker: Mexican, yeah. It's quite nice. Mexican? Mexican. A Mac chicken. Mac chicken. That's what I get when I go to McDonald's. I gotta to i get a double cheeseburger or two single cheeseburgers, a 10-piece chicken McNugget fries and a Coke. That's what I get.
Speaker: I'm similar. I get a double cheeseburger, not a McDouble, which I used to get. Once I became aware of the double cheeseburger, which has two slices of cheese and two patties, as opposed to the McDouble, which is just two patties and one slice of cheese. Yeah.
Speaker: But i get him I get a double cheeseburger, fries, and a McChicken. Not the nuggets, even though they are good, but I'll get a McChicken. Derek, what's your go-to McDonald's order? McDouble add Mac sauce. So it's sort of like getting a Big Mac without that stupid middle bun and then a spicy McChicken.
Speaker: To me, if you're going to get Mac sauce, you might as well get a Big Mac because it's all about the pickles, the mac. It's a nice sour burger and the with the bun there to kind of soak up all that acid. But to me, ah a McDonald's cheeseburger is like a ketchup sandwich. That's why I like it. I also just want to add really quick so that no one gets mistaken.
Speaker: i don't eat at McDonald's anymore. I'm protesting it. And why is that? Who was that? I don't know. Because you like Chick-fil-A better? I'm sure there's i'm sure there's a good reason. You think that surely there's something wrong with with it?
Speaker: there has to be some There has to be something wrong. You're not... ah Is it the billions served that bothers you? Yeah, that's crazy. Sort of the fact that you're part of the pack. Over 99 billion served. Over 99 billion individual meals.
Speaker: Generations. 99 billion generations served. I will add, I get a Diet Coke with my meal. ah Jim, do you is there a drink that accompanies your chicken, beef, and... well and i'm not I'm not one for fizzy drinks much, which is what they'd normally have there. And I pour water. I think that's the most disgusting beverage that God has created.
Speaker: i So, no, I mean, I will usually, like, take a Coke or something and just toss it on pavement because I just think it's disgusting and foul. guess you could get a high C, you know, avoid the fizziness. Do you like fruit drinks like that, a Gatorade?
Speaker: No, I don't really like, i'm I'm not much for sweets or sugar, sugary tastes. just um I'm more keen on, like, flesh, really. Flesh and beer. and so that This is kind of off topic, but what about Prince William? Didn't he go to the Iraq War or something?
Speaker: I don't know. Was that Prince Harry? Hard to say. What was the Iraq war? Um, I'll have to research that. Get back to you. Just some pop culture shit from the early aughts.
Speaker: Oh, right. If you've seen like fast and furious, you'll know about the Iraq war. Yeah, i've not seen it. Well, I guess I want to ask about ah your stance on pets. I feel like I can guess based on everything else you've said, but if you had to choose between living with a dog and living with a cat, I'm curious to hear your rationalization for for either one.
Speaker: Well, I would rather live with a I don't know. I mean, i I find animals to be just absolutely disgusting and repellent. True, I know. i know that humans are and know that humans are a form of animal, but again, they you know we've not really developed in the appropriate ways.
Speaker: so life is just rather painful. And then to live with one of these creatures that's even like a shitter animal than a human, i would not do that intentionally.
Speaker: but that said, i think I would rather... just have a dog has dogs, I'm told to provide companionship and can be quite um therapeutic in their companionship and their love and loyalty.
Speaker: So I think I would prefer an animal that provides me with oh those things. Do you feel like you don't have enough love in your life? No, I don't think I do.
Speaker: But I'm not lovable. But perhaps a dog would be a solution to my problem as a dog, as I understand it, would just not be as judgmental as a human. Like probably a dog wouldn't care that I'm like fat or an alcoholic. They would just like love me either If they were smarter, they might.
Speaker: Yeah, if they were smarter, they would. But they're rather dumb. And I find that deeply unattractive. And I just fear that I would... abandon them and let them loose and I would not neuter or spay them and then they would just fuck in the park and then they'd become pregnant or something and then there'll be all these weird dog little ones coming out of the hole.
Speaker: I worry about the same thing is like am I even gonna neuter this dog? am I? Am I gonna abandon this dog? It's just classic me so maybe I shouldn't even get one.
Speaker: And I think it is, you know, you make a good point, Jim, when you say that there's no, or we haven't yet developed any real appropriate ways of interacting with these creatures. I mean, I see masters with their dogs and cats sometimes, and seems like the main thing they engage in is petting.
Speaker: Right. Or long, kind of, you long durations, really, kind of petting and kind of rubbing, which is a strange way of interacting with animals.
Speaker: anyone that's not something we do even with each other yeah and it's like if you're with another human would you pet them or rub them you would you wouldn't really do that would you maybe for a second if you kind of have established something but that's difficult i mean petting really is like it's the it's the last resort of something with zero points of interactivity you know even when you're a co-worker while you're at an office job and i don't think you've ever worked in a corporate environment jim because you're a an artistic savant but Sometimes a coworker an IT guy, after he's tried rebooting your computer, resetting the router, he'll say something like, did you try just rubbing it?
Speaker: And then he'll sort of playfully rub the computer. And the the understanding is that this is what we do when we've run out of options. And yet that's our that's our handshake with our pets.
Speaker: Kind of a miserable thought. Just optionless creatures. I think it's just weird that... Like humans are animals, dogs are animals, cats are animals, but they're all so different. And it's like, why did they not just make them all the same? And then it would just be a bit easier really to like, you know what i mean?
Speaker: Like, why do they exist? um I think the long answer is that ah every ecosystem requires speciization to process the inorganic materials in the atmosphere and on the crust of Earth.
Speaker: ah The short answer... Wrong. No? But that... but but that all has to do with nature and i don't really like nature or anything like that i'm more like go to maccas i just don't really understand like why that would exist it's not really our business i disagree i think you seem really preoccupied with evolution well yes i am but only because it's just not worked really because it's done such a bad job and it's sort of an obstacle i guess these these beings that evolution has created something you have to kind of face and live down
Speaker: Yeah, precisely. You're interested in nature's failures, but also sort of like this hypothetical future perfect being that doesn't have any holes and kind of like can fly everywhere. Well, no, no flying. like To me, like a perfect um existence would just be like...
Speaker: lying down and like just eating like lots of like food, things like that, and just drinking and not having to move. But for some reason we've not developed that way. It's like there's some societal... In a way we have. I mean, the factory farms that I was describing earlier,
Speaker: But I feel like there's some requirement that it's like, well, you have to go to this place or that place. And it's like, well, why can't i just do fuck all and just like lie down? It's harder as a human. You have to be a cow or a goose and get kind of rounded up or bred. And then you do have a lifestyle, something like what you described. Well, now that I'm thinking about like gorging these foie gras geese, it is kind of a process of making not heaven on earth, but Mount Olympus on earth. I mean, they remind me of ah of some of the fatter Greek deities. Right. ah these These livestock animals that are that are gorged. Right. Buddha was hefty as well.
Speaker: Well, Fat Buddha was. Fat Santa is fat. You had fat in front of of course. I just reckon that if we can do that for geese, if we can give them the life of... Of Bacchus. Of Bacchus. Why is it so hard not to, I don't know, just spitballing here, elect some kind of world leader who is fat and has a button on his desk that he can summon fast food at any time and...
Speaker: He's just sort of engorged and has very few ah actual duties. Most of his duties are delegated to others and he simply enjoys the fame and adulation of his of his supplicants. Why can't we create a world leader like that? Build one? Yeah.
Speaker: What would be the harm in it? None. As far as I can see, it would simply benefit the leader. would not harm would not harm the leader. Yeah. And ultimately that's kind what matters. we can eat him at the end. I mean, that would be one way to benefit us. We should eat our presidents when they've finished.
Speaker: I'm not opposed to that. I mean, I like flesh, so just eating anything would be quite nice. Would you rather eat ah like a vile human who... Well, vile is begging the question. Let's rephrase No, I just mean his his or her behavior. Oh, I see. So let's say like a war criminal. Would you rather eat a war criminal alive or eat a perfectly muscled and gorged person who was charitable in life like ah like Mother Teresa after death? Large Mother Teresa.
Speaker: oh I would just rather eat whichever tastes better, really. That would be Mother Teresa. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Mother Teresa might taste quite better.
Speaker: I guess to change the question a little bit, would you appreciate if you were kind of like put in a pen and like fed slop all day, even though at the end of that you do get cut open and eaten? Because you would you would have a nice life for some time. Yes.
Speaker: Yes, I think that sounds perfect. And I understand that you're making an analogy with like pigs. And I would much rather be a pig. And I don't understand why pigs have been granted this gift. And humans are meant to suffer where we are. You'd rather be a pig than a horse. Because horses, all they do is kind of run around in circles. No, can't be arsed with that. i mean, at the end of the day, they're still shot in the head, right?
Speaker: Yeah. No, I can't do that. It is cool how pigs are the livestock animal that can eat like a human toe or a dog's brain, whereas all these other livestock animals are just fed like grain and and ah grass.
Speaker: ah Are there any livestock animals that we feed flesh to and then consume later? i don't don't i think pigs are kind of the only one. i mean I doubt that a lot of pigs are getting access to high-quality meats.
Speaker: I think there was a scandal in the 80s or 90s where the, yeah, the factory farms that fed into McDonald's actually, they were feeding um or they had, I guess, relationships with ah like veterinarians offices and they were feeding ah the cows, I think, dead Oh, dead pets. Dead pets. Yeah. Cows are not omnivorous. It's so crazy to feed a cow meat. You must be so desperate as a farmer. I don't want to say these farmers are stupid and that they haven't read a textbook. I imagine just came from pure desperation. Like when you eat your clothes and when you're stranded at sea. Yeah. The the dead dogs and cats are cheaper than grass, I suppose. Have you guys heard about this guy who who was lost at sea for like two years?
Speaker: ah this I think he was a Central American fellow and then he ended up on ah on an atoll off the coast of Japan. um And no one believed that he was out to sea that long, but he said that he survived on catching turtles with his bare hands and drinking their blood to stay hydrated and every once in a while eating a seagull.
Speaker: And when he first was stranded out to sea, he had a ah friend with him, but the friend couldn't hack it and eventually died. And he thought about, eating he talked to his corpse for a week and the whole time thought about eating the corpse, but then threw it overboard.
Speaker: And then the family of that person sued him because they said, there's no way you didn't eat him. I mean, anyone would eat him. And that's a crime? It took to eat a dead person when you're... If they're already dead? i don't know. They've died of starvation. I think it still counts as a crime against humanity. It's still a being. Yeah. ah I've not heard about it, but unfortunately I think I have to abscond.
Speaker: Yeah. Well, that's not acceptable. Yes, of course. Do we have the word count? Yeah, we'll fax it to We can get the word count to you. ah Thanks again for yeah just for everything, honestly. Oh yeah, no, it's all right. just see her sat here just getting pissed. so There's a bit of energy to just move my jaw and like produce sounds from my throat. But like other than that, was all right. Yeah, but you're used to that because of all your mastication and singing.
Speaker: Is there any ah parting message or thing you want to plug or some kind of bullshit reason? No, not really. All right. Well, we love your music and we love your Instagram videos. Oh, thanks very much. Well, yeah, we'll have a new album out in the next episode.
Speaker: Two days or weeks. It's really it's ah recorded. It's got to be like uploaded the internet. That's the easy part. Look out for that, folks. Thanks again, Jimmy. Cheers.
Speaker: Cheers.
Speaker: Cheers. My anxiety and depression are overwhelming. I drink alcohol to ease the pain, but it's not healthy.
Speaker: I want to get in touch with my inner child. I want to learn to laugh and smile.
