Transcript
Speaker: Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. We're experienced moms to a combined total of 18 children. Our mission is to help overwhelmed parents find peace in parenting and humor in the chaos. Come join us as we attempt uninterrupted conversation about parenting with joy and intention.
Speaker: Welcome back, friends. We are... Do I say we're excited to record every week? I think I do, because we really are. It's one of my highlights of the week. It's like our favorite part of the week, I know. It is. It totally is. It totally is. But especially to give you guys another segment into our marriage series. So we have done a couple of episodes so far. We will link all of the marriage episodes in the show notes of this one. But today we're talking specifically about finances. The good, the bad, the ugly. Oh, yay. Can't wait to start.
Speaker: Well, yeah, we're going to start off though. I'm going to share a mom hack today. So we had some friends over and we were, the mom and I were just sitting there having a conversation and her little girl came up to her about three years old and she says,
Speaker: play -doh hair, play -doh hair. And she had this big glob of solid, so dried out play -doh stuck in her hair. And I was like, oh, do you need a scissors? Because that looks like it's not coming out. And she's like, no, no, I need peanut butter. And I don't have peanut butter. I'm like, how about almond butter? And she says, sure, yeah, let's try that. So she just worked some almond butter in, into the hair right where that big glob of
Speaker: crusty old Play -Doh was. I mean, it was a big glob and it all came out. Didn't lose a single hair. So there's a mom hack for you guys. Don't cut out the hair. Just grab some peanut butter or almonds butter. Okay. I had heard that about peanut butter, but it sounded like one of those things that was like somebody shared on Pinterest and it was a hoax or something like, I'm going to smear peanut butter in a kid's hair that already has something goopy in, but that's good to know that you have a firsthand account of it. Yeah, it really worked. I'm surprised. Yeah.
Speaker: Speaking of hair issues, my 11 year old loves to do her hair and her sister's hair and she's always coming up with creative hair.
Speaker: styles. But the other day, she was just fiddling around with her own hair and twisting it around a comb. Have you ever had a kid do that? Just twirls the comb, twirls it, twirls it until it is so wrapped up in there. She comes to me and is like, mom, help. I'm like, oh, we might have to do a little trimming. No, no, no, please, no, please, no. She's really trying to grow it out. We made it happen without scissors, but that's a little stressful for sure. Yes.
Speaker: Okay, onto the topic at hand. When I did a little research for this episode, it was not a surprise that money issues are one of the top problems between couples. It's one of the top things that married couples fight about. And I found out it's the second leading cause of divorce after infidelity. Isn't that awful? Oh, yeah, but I guess understandable.
Speaker: Yeah, it totally is because it brings up so many feelings and there's guilt and there's power plays and there's just lots of things we're going to discuss today, but specifically how to find some peace and get on common ground in regards to money, especially when kids are involved because that adds an extra element of stress and expenses, right? So it is a big deal and we just can't ignore money in our marriage. Yeah, or there won't be a marriage.
Speaker: or there won't be money or maybe neither. Good grief. All right. Yes, definitely. We're going to cover five main areas where couples run into problems and we're going to talk about the best way to overcome them. We're not perfect at this. Okay. We're not perfect, but so we're going to share some of our own trials that we dealt with and maybe some
Speaker: fixes or solutions that we've come up with some personal things that we've come into found in ourselves about our money models. And then also we wanted to refer you to episode 40 where we talked, it's all about teaching kids about money. So, um, I think I'm mentioning it here because we did talk a little bit at the beginning of that episode about examining your own mental models about money so that you can be careful not to pass those onto our kids. So definitely an appropriate listen at this time too. Yeah, totally.
Speaker: Okay, so we're going to start, Audrey mentioned five main areas we're going to talk about. We're going to start with the first one, which also refers back to a previous marriage episode we did, and that is communication, getting on the same page.
Speaker: So just like sex, money is one of the least talked about topics, but one of the most important aspects of marriage. I think both of those things, money and sex people are like, oh, I don't really want to bring it out or communication skills break down because it's awkward and it's strange to talk about, et cetera. So definitely something you can't ignore. And it's so important for us to set time aside to discuss what is going well financially for us and what's not.
Speaker: Yeah. So money discussions. Now I'm glad to refer to that episode about communication because especially when you're discussing money, those discussions have to take place when you're both calm, happy, feeling loved, non threatened.
Speaker: Not when you're hungry. Okay, you're hungry. Just forget it. It's not gonna go well. Just don't talk about money. Because you see, here's the thing. Money doesn't cause emotions in ourself. It's just like flat paper or pieces of metal that have been engraved with certain things or however they make money, whatever. Money doesn't cause or have emotions. It's just a thing. But it's our thoughts.
Speaker: about money that cause many emotions. So that's why we're saying it's good to be in a good mental space. Maybe thinking some positive thoughts before you launch into a money discussion. Because if you're having a money discussion, likely it's because there's some sort of money issue going on.
Speaker: So you can set aside a specific time to revisit the issue. So maybe you've noticed something. Well, don't text your husband when he's at work or, you know, whatever's going on. Let's just, let's just, okay, we're going to visit this at another time when we're both in a good place, maybe five to 10 minutes on Friday date night. Although I don't know if that's a good idea. That could like ruin date night if it didn't go well. That's true.
Speaker: Oh, maybe 30 minutes on a Sunday afternoon when you're relaxed and feeling good and under, you know, just having received some good positive influence Sunday morning, but whatever. Just make it a thing so that when you talk about money a lot and it's a common discussion, then it's not like such a big thing when you have to talk about money. And then I would like to think about value.
Speaker: I like to, like money, money has value, you know, a piece of paper that says one on it, one of these dollar pieces of paper that says one on it has the value of $1 and that can buy certain things. So I like to think about value, the value of my marriage and not put like a dollar amount on that. Although, you know, if you're going through divorce proceedings, they would try to put dollar amounts on things, but try to value my marriage partnership higher
Speaker: than thoughts, ideas, feelings I'm having about money and just kind of put that at the top priority. So the marriage has the most value and then anything else that I'm thinking or worried about or working on about marriage, about money in my marriage, that's like underneath. So the idea is to value the marriage the most of all.
Speaker: Oh, I love that. I will say that once you start to address your thoughts and feelings surrounding money in your marriage, you might uncover some more deep -seated issues surrounding money that you didn't realize you had. In fact, we just talked in episode 104, we just talked a little bit about this and finding your passion project, especially in regards to women's relationship with money.
Speaker: link to an episode from the Life Coach School podcast that we really like about women and money because some of us have been raised with really wacky thoughts and paradigms about money. And so we have to get those right before we can get them right in our marriage as well.
Speaker: And I will say that when it comes to choosing when to talk about money, if you haven't been talking about it regularly, you're going to definitely need a little bit more time at the beginning. And that might be a little bit more stressful, a little bit more weighted than once you get in the habit of talking regularly. So for example, before my husband and I talked about money regularly, every time it got brought up, we were both stressed out and we both got kind of defensive and it was tough. But now that we've gotten in the habit of just
Speaker: checking in, usually weekly or every other week. We can do it on a date night or sometimes we're having fun because we're just, there's not a lot of emotional weight to it anymore, if that makes sense. It's just become kind of like, oh, did you load the dishwasher? Okay, don't forget to do that. Kind of like, did you check in with the budget? Don't forget to do that, et cetera. So just a side note.
Speaker: Okay, so a few ideas about what to talk about, especially if you haven't talked about money regularly. First of all, where the money goes and how it's divided. So chances are good you have a pretty static amount of money that comes in every month or every two weeks or whatever.
Speaker: Do you already have a plan for how it's divided? Does it all go into checking? Does some go into savings? Do you have separate checking accounts? Where does it go from there? Just basic budget categories. Are there any income changes that need to be made? Are you making a little bit less than you need? Does maybe one partner need to get another job or somebody need to look into asking for a raise, et cetera?
Speaker: Do you have debt and savings goals? Do you have debts you want to pay off? Do you have a certain big purchase you're aiming for, et cetera? And as you start talking about this regularly, more things will come up and you can overcome them as they do instead of waiting until they cause a big problem. Yes. Those are totally necessary and awesome things to be discussing as a team, as a partnership. I was thinking when we were, when preparing for this podcast, I was thinking,
Speaker: What if you set up your marriage like a business partnership is set up? Like just, it's just a different way to think about it and how you would both be like your, your goal would be, you know, you'd set a goal and then you'd both be working toward the goal. And if you viewed it like as a business partnership, how there could be so much less emotion involved and just kind of more a partnership.
Speaker: Oh, I like that a lot. And I want to bring that up again a little bit later when we talk about our money mindset. Oh, yeah. That's a great thought. Okay. Put that one on hold. Let's talk about number two, which is personality differences. So yeah, this is totally important to acknowledge and even accept the way they are. Like you can't really change your personality. You're born with certain
Speaker: propensities and you're going to just, you know, go with it. All right. Let's instead of working on changing ourselves with the other person, as far as personality is, let's, let's work within that framework that we have. And that's really not to say don't work on yourself. I mean, obviously.
Speaker: But as far as the personality types are, I think both Bonnie and I have had enough kids to tell you that kids are born with a personality. So if you don't know your personality type, we've got lots of great episodes that we've talked about that. I think the one we dwelt on at most was like our episode on one on one time with kids.
Speaker: But also, we're going to talk about money personalities. So if you don't know what your money personality is, it might just be fun to go take a money personality quiz and just Google it. They're out there.
Speaker: Yeah, as a side note, I'm linking to two articles in the show notes that I referenced when preparing for this episode. And one of them is from Dave Ramsey's website. And he has, I know he has a couple of those on there. In fact, that article might even have one linked. So go take a look at that if you want to understand how you and your spouse deal with money a little bit more. Although chances are good, we probably both parties know. They just might be ignoring it a little bit or wishing the other person was different.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. So maybe just become more aware of what your money personality is. Yeah, right. Yeah. In our other marriage episodes, we talk a little bit about how personality differences affect us, especially like in communication, how one person tends to be quieter, one tends to be telling all their thoughts the minute they come into their mind, et cetera. Money's no different. Our personalities really, really impact how we view money and how we spend it. Yeah. So here's some questions to think about when you're doing
Speaker: thinking, becoming more aware of what your money personality is. Who's the spender and who's the saver? Who's more motivated to be in charge of the budget? Who's passionate about the future versus more focused on the present? Who's willing to take a chance? Who's risk averse? Who is more likely to give money away? Who is spending it all on the kids, et cetera? When you go to the grocery store or when you go to a rest... Yeah, let me say that again.
Speaker: So when you go to a restaurant, how do you choose what to buy if you and your husband are on a date night? How do you choose what to buy and what meal? Is it based on the food or are you also glancing at the price and that kind of thing? I just thought I had something that's really kind of telling about myself when I go to eat. I'm like, okay, this sounds really good and what is the price? I'm always doing this little comparison thing.
Speaker: Once you've determined what the personalities are, decide to use each partner's strengths to the benefit of your budget. For example, if you're the spender, instead of always cursing the saver for never even wanting to buy anything, appreciate that there is someone in your marriage who is making sure there's money in the bank and vice versa. What about you're a chronic underspender and be grateful that you have a spouse who
Speaker: Yeah, exactly. The cost -benefit ratio there.
Speaker: Make sure that there's enough groceries in the fridge because you just hate to go to the store. You hate to spend money. So each of us should be flexible enough to benefit the marriage, but also neither should need to change the intrinsic core of who we are.
Speaker: to fix our money issues or that might backfire, right? We can use who we are, strengthen our strengths, strengthen our weaknesses, and work together to find that balance and that common ground. Yeah. I like that thought because it's like going back to this idea of a partnership. If you are hiring somebody to manage your money,
Speaker: you would definitely want them, if they were a good saver, you would definitely want them in charge of something in that part of your business. Or if they were more willing to take a risk, you would definitely want them in charge of the investing part of your business or whatever. Just thinking about it from that perspective of using each other's strengths to the advantage of your marriage.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly. One example of this is early on in our marriage, I didn't have a lot of hand in our actual day -to -day budgeting. To be honest, we didn't do a lot of day -to -day budgeting. We were just kind of flying by the seat of our pants, but I have always been the spender. And so it was very frustrating for me to always feel like we didn't have any money for me to spend, whether on something useful or just something fun, because that's what I like to do. But then at some point during our marriage,
Speaker: Luke put me in charge of the money, which at first I hated because I've never been very good at it, but guess what? I've learned how to be good at it and I have been able to fulfill my need to be a spender while also being a responsible money manager. So now what I do is I set aside a little bit of money to blow on something every month that makes me feel good and it could be something, you know, we'll talk about this a little bit later, but that has really, really helped me
Speaker: embrace my own strengths as a spender and also get better at the weaknesses of spending, which is overspending, right? If that makes sense. Totally makes sense. Yep. Okay. So moving on to number three, we need to beware of any poisonous money mindsets that we might be harboring. We mentioned this a little bit, especially in regards to who holds the earning and spending power. Okay. So again, this is something that is really tricky for women, especially if you are not the primary breadwinner.
Speaker: Yes, definitely. This is something that each couple has to come to an agreement about. So if you are the breadwinner, most of our audience is women, and so we're going to talk about this. If the agreement with your spouse is that they are the breadwinner and you are the caretaker of the children, and that's your primary job, then as much value needs to be placed on the caretaking of the children
Speaker: as is placed on the money that comes in. And by value, I don't mean, I mean, I've seen those things out there where, you know, you can actually go out and say, well, you know, this is what you would have to pay a chauffeur and this is what you have to pay a cook and this is what you would have to pay a laundress. Laundress? This is what you would have to pay somebody who did the laundry and cleaning and so on. I'm not necessarily talking about a,
Speaker: money value, I'm talking about a thankfulness value. So make it a daily or weekly effort to be thankful to the one who makes the money, brings in the money, and make it a daily or weekly effort to be thankful to the one whose job is taking care of the children and have them in equal value. Because if that is what you have agreed to, if that's what your business partnership says, then
Speaker: then that is as important, that is as valued. And I have struggled with this for most of my marriage because it is such a foreign concept to everyone else outside of the marriage that it's so like being a stay -at -home mom is undervalued. And so it just really, really means a lot to me that my husband values
Speaker: what I do as much as I value him providing the money to run our family.
Speaker: Oh yeah, for sure. So be conscious of money models that you brought to the marriage because they were passed on to you from your family of origin. Now, when you're a child, you really don't have any control over the money models that are used when you're growing up. You're just there. You're a part of them because you're a child in that home. But you don't have to take those money models into your marriage with you if they're not positive and healthy, if they're that word you used, poisonous. You don't have to take those.
Speaker: But if you recognize that you have some negative money models that you have been raised with or brought up with or are bringing into a marriage with you, please educate yourself. Get yourself some financial education and work toward a positive money mindset. Bonnie mentioned that Life Coach School Podcast episode that we referenced. That's a good place.
Speaker: Dig yourself deep into Dave Ramsey. Now his daughter, Rachel Cruz, is working with him. And I love that because it brings a woman's viewpoint into his whole business ethic. Now he's got more of a woman's viewpoint in there. Go get yourself some Robert Kiyosaki books. You don't have to become a millionaire investor, but just get a positive mindset. Find somebody who has a positive
Speaker: money mindset and very you know dig deep into that and and find it out and learn it so you don't have to just because you were raised a certain way and you recognize that maybe this isn't a good money mindset or even if you think it's great the way that you were raised. Educate yourself and make sure that it's the mindset the money model that you want to have in your marriage.
Speaker: Yes. So good. So good. And it can be changed. So many times we think that that's just the way we are, or we don't even recognize that we're bringing that into our marriage, but we can totally change that if it's not serving us well. Yeah. And the last part I wanted to say about that was totally you and your spouse read the same books and talk about them. Like have a little spouse book club.
Speaker: No, but just be listening to the same podcast or read the same books or visit the same websites all about money so that you guys can get, going back to the number one, get on the same page. Yeah. Okay. So the article that I linked from Dave Ramsey's website is actually by Rachel Cruz, but I didn't know that was his daughter. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Love it. Love that he has a female perspective.
Speaker: So along these lines, I often find myself correcting my kids because my kids will sometimes say things like, mom's spending dad's money kind of thing. And honestly, sometimes just little kids' innocent comments like that really rub a nerve because it reminds me that sometimes I am harboring some of the world's mentality of
Speaker: like you said, undervaluing a stay -at -home mom or whatever. And so I correct them very quickly and I say, nope, that's not how it works in a marriage. A marriage is a partnership. And bringing back what you said before about like a business partnership, when you look at it like that, it's not like I do this and you do this and we're on parallel tracks, but rather we put all our effort in together in a communal pot and then we pull out what we need.
Speaker: whether that means money or energy or, you know, whatever, if that makes sense. And so while one spouse is at work making money to support the family, the other one is
Speaker: caring for kids and the home and whatever else they're doing, and it takes those two partnerships to make it work well. Or conversely, maybe both parents work and they split the time with the kids, or maybe the mom works and the dad stays home, or maybe they both pitch in to hire a really awesome nanny that cares for their kids. Regardless of the balance, you have to get really clear on what that partnership looks like.
Speaker: and make sure that there are no bad feelings surrounding it because otherwise it can get really ugly. Yes, I love that idea of a partnership. So think about the power of two people working together toward one goal. You could say it's twice as powerful as one person working toward that goal. And that's what a marriage is all about, is working together, pointing in the same direction, and both of you making that happen.
Speaker: So yeah, definitely be sure to investigate and dig deep into any negative thoughts surrounding how you feel about your place in the marriage, whether you're the money maker or the not money maker, um, communicate them, talk them over with your spouse. I know that every time I, um, I'm feeling inadequate and I bring it to my husband, he's like, I don't make.
Speaker: dollar amount per year. You make dollar amount per year because I bring that money home and I give it to you and you have that to spend and
Speaker: allocate and figure out, you know, all of it. And he says, and really it's not you and it's not me, it's us. So yeah, they're the one, like my name is on the check that comes in, but it's us. So don't, you know, it's not my money, it's our money. And he's just so good about putting to rest those negative thoughts.
Speaker: Also, 100 % recommend having a joint checking account. Keep your money together in one place. Avoid the competitive mindset like, this is my money and this is your money. We're going to talk later about having your own money.
Speaker: use that as like think about how much bigger again if money is a bucket if you put your money into a bucket think about if you both have the same if you both put your money into one bucket think about how much bigger the size of that bucket is and the more powerful or spending power that has or saving power whatever you're doing with it productive power than if you each put your money in separate buckets okay it doesn't even compare
Speaker: Right, right, right. Now, I will say that there is a way to do this successfully. Like, you know, maybe sometimes one's an overspender and the other one gets nervous that they're going to, you know, eat into the grocery budget or whatever. You could totally have separate accounts as long as you are both on the same page about funding them from the same place, right? Not like, this is the money I earn and I get to spend. This is the money you earn. You know what I'm saying? Like, to have that more
Speaker: communal mindset where you're doing things as a team. And I will admit here that it's very easy for me to call my husband's money, our money, and any money I earn from my business, my money, because I earn so much less.
Speaker: because he goes, it's a natural course of things for him to go to work every day and bring home a paycheck. It is not for me. It requires, you know, time away from my kids and extra. I mean, it does for him as well, but I guess because our original plan was for me to just stay home, that anything I make in addition, I get a little bit selfish about. I'll be honest. And so anytime shifts like that happen, like somebody who hasn't been working starts working or vice versa, make sure that you're communicating about that, right? Make sure that you
Speaker: know what's going to happen with that additional money or if money gets cut back so that you always stay on the same page, going back to just that communication thing. Yeah, definitely. Or if, say, your extended family members give you some money or something, it would be easy to say, hey, this is my money. My family gave it to me or something. Yeah.
Speaker: Okay, moving on to number four. We said at the beginning that children complicate, add an extra layer of complication to money, financial. They complicate everything, don't they? Honestly, kids. But we love them anyway. They make it pretty sweet too. So money issues surrounding children, they can be complicated. There's, you know, lots of money decisions to be made about extracurriculars, allowance,
Speaker: Yes, no, we talked more about that in our episode 40 on kids and money. Cars, insurance, medical bills, expensive things they want because their friends have them, that kind of thing. It's all decisions that wouldn't have to be made if there were no children in the equation. Right, right. First and foremost, I will say that both parties have got to present a united front to the children, right?
Speaker: We all know that kids love to pit one parent against another. So this, this holiday season, we were being pretty lax about screen usage. And so I'm usually the stricter one. And so they would come ask me, and I would say, I don't think so, or, you know, give kind of a wishy washy answer, which I do sometimes when I try not to be. Yeah. I don't want to be the bad guy all the time. Then they go to dad and say, dad, is it okay if we watch TV? Mom said we could. I'm like,
Speaker: Mom didn't say that. Mom didn't say no. Little beggars. So be aware that they will most definitely try this in regards to money. Hey, mom said I could get a cell phone. What do you think? Well, chances are good if they're asking another parent. They did not get a hard yes. Make sure you have those conversations ahead of time to prepare yourself before you get bombarded.
Speaker: Yes, yes, the little brats. I sing my kids a song and it's from this, okay, dating myself here, it's from this record we had as a kid, something about a princess in Candyland or something it is. I want what I want and I want it now was the song. So I sing that to my kids when they're telling me things that they want.
Speaker: All right, so here's a list of things to discuss, some things, ideas to what to discuss without the kids first before you talk to your kids about it. Allowances, wants versus needs, plans for technology purposes, tablets, phones, computers, iPhones, etc.
Speaker: cars and insurance for teens, college classes, tests, educational stuff. I did want to point out that in episode 25 in How to Afford Kids and in episode 81 about self -motivated kids, I discuss in great detail how we handle our kids' financial contribution and the road to independence for them and what specifically we do as far as
Speaker: vehicles and insurance and college and all that. But it was an agreement. I did want to say that my husband and I are both on the same page on that one. And it was something that we discussed and decided first before we discussed it with our kids and started them down that path. Right. And kids can sense, they can smell fear.
Speaker: sense weakness, right? So if you're not 100 % on the same page, they're going to be able to ferret out which parent is the weaker link, and they're going to come bombard you for that thing that they want that's too expensive that dad said no to whatever. So that United Front is so important. And then you once you've discussed and laid out those plans with your spouse, with the kids not around, then you can
Speaker: Either separately or together is best and then you can come to the kids and talk about your expectations for them maybe in regards to how they Help out around the house and if that's going to translate into money or not Give them ideas for earning money on their own. So I think I think every Most I think most homes probably have some way of kids to earn a little bit of money whether it's allowance or chores or whatever But whether you do or not
Speaker: there's going to come a time when they're going to want more money than you're willing to give or let them earn. So brainstorming together ways they can get out and earn money from an independent source, a neighbor or a friend or babysitting or something. And then talk about what you as parents are obligated to pay for. Like we've had this conversation quite a few times with my kids. I am obligated
Speaker: by law to house you and feed you and clothe you. And that's about it. And pay medical bills if you need them, right? I am not obligated to buy you the latest tablet. I am not obligated to buy you name brand clothes. I just have to put a shirt on your back, you know, and just really differentiate, you know, give them a line.
Speaker: that says, if you want something more than this, let's discuss it. We can help you come up with a way to earn that money and empower them to do it themselves. That's so fun to tell them. Tell them in that terminology, I do not have to buy designer jeans. That's right. Nowhere in the law does it say that I have to pay $50 for your pants.
Speaker: Yep. Okay. So number five, plan for fun money. So every month, each partner should have something they can spend with no accountability, no checking in with the other one. Just, I mean, come on, we're adults, not, you know, daddy, can I spend? Right.
Speaker: can I spend this? Is it okay if I spend this? And I was having this conversation with, my husband was telling this story on me and it was, so I'm the one in our relationship that is like hates to spend any money on anything, hates to go to the store. So he's telling this story and he says, so Audrey will come to me and she'll be like, um, you know, if it would be, what would you think if I spent this money and this is how I would use it and it would be useful. And it's like, okay, you know, and,
Speaker: He says, and I say, well, what does it cost? And she's like, well, it's like $4 .75, $4 .75. And he says, do you realize you just wasted like 10 minutes of my time asking me this? Do you know how much I get paid per hour? Like, could you just stop this and go buy it already? I could have spent 10, I could have burned 10 times that much and doing my work instead of listening to you.
Speaker: That's so funny. It was a little bit of hyperbole, but I do tend to be very spending averse. Well, I'm really glad you brought that up because there is nothing that can demoralize one partner like groveling in front of the other for money, right? It makes everybody feel like garbage and like a child, right? So ahead of time when you make those plans like this is how much we have to spend,
Speaker: Then you most definitely communicate about bigger purchases. Like my husband has come to me and said, hey, I really think we should buy this thing for the garage. I think it'd be really useful. What do you think? Sure. Or no, we can't afford it this month. How about next month? And same with me. Granted, the purchases he wants to make are usually things for the house or the car, and I want to buy things for me. But regardless, it really helps to have a
Speaker: chunk of cash that you can spend without telling anybody. You want to go get your nails done? Do that. You want to get your eyebrows waxed? Do that. You want to buy some totally impractical shoes? Great. You see what I spend my money on, right? Hair nails and shoes. Yeah, or whatever it is for you. And it can be something as small as like $20 a month. If you don't have a lot of extra money, that is totally okay. But you know that every month you have $20 that you don't have to tell anyone or
Speaker: what you're spending it on or ask for any permission, et cetera. And then if it is just a small amount, you know that if you have a purchase that's a little bit bigger that you have your eye on, you can save up, right? Give yourself six months and all of a sudden you have $200 to spend on something else frivolous. But it's just, it's so nice to have that power and be completely independent of your spending money.
Speaker: Yes, we used to do this in our budget where we had a certain amount of money each month that we got to spend just spending money. Okay, so telling on myself again, it actually got to the point where my husband, I would sit down and he'd look and he'd like, you didn't spend your money again.
Speaker: He'd get to the point where he'd be like, okay, here, I'm putting it in cash and you're in your hand and you're going to go get in the vehicle and you're going to go spend this. The same thing happens to my husband, but I just want to take it back. I'm like, well, if it's not important to you, I've got lots I can spend it on. You can't just let it sit there. I know. I'd be like, um, well, I choose to give it to you. And he'd say, no, that's not an option. Go spend it. Get out of here.
Speaker: Well, he's better than me. I'd take it. I'd take it and run. And so now we're farther along in our financial journey. And we're to the point where, I don't know, maybe this isn't farther along, where if it's any purchase under $100, we don't have to talk to each other about it.
Speaker: And that could be because he just knows I will never spend anything. But anyway, it's any purchase under $100. We just don't have to check with each other. But anything over that, then we should consult and make sure it's in the budget and toward our goal and all that so that we can keep going and keep moving down the path. I like that. That's a good one. OK, so I want to introduce this concept of time being currency.
Speaker: We use time, we talk about time in the same, using some of the same words that we talk about money. So we spend time or we spend money. We waste time or we waste money. We think about, so we use some of the same terminology and we can think about time.
Speaker: like that. And the reason I'm introducing this concept is because I kind of, when I think about time as money and having value and being wasted or spent or just kind of these similar ideas that we think about money,
Speaker: It kind of takes some of the pressure off of money and it also helps me think about what I value and why. So I'm introducing this concept because I like to think about things having value and the value of the marriage like I was talking about at the beginning of the podcast.
Speaker: I want to view my marriage as more valuable than any ideas that I have about money or any mental models that I'm holding on to or any emotions. So I think about it this way.
Speaker: in eternity, after I die, the relationship will have way more value. It will be viewed as more important, have more value than money. Because after we die, money is meaningless.
Speaker: But a relationship, a marriage, the echo of it can go forward into the future and it can have a value and a memory that other people can hold on to. Whereas money, it's just that paper and metal stuff that doesn't really have much value. Whenever we're talking and working with money in our marriage, that's something that I definitely try to value, is value the relationship more than the money.
Speaker: Oh, that is a beautiful wrap -up. And it also might help those of us who are predominantly stay -at -home parents to value our contribution just as much as the contribution that brings in actual cold hard cash. Because we are spending plenty of time caring for our families and our homes. In fact, isn't that generally why we get paid in a job at all? It's because someone values our time and effort, right? Yes. Yes, exactly.
Speaker: And really the money that our partnership brings in may directly come from an employer via one spouse, but then it is used in this partnership because both spouses are putting forth their best time and effort to make this marriage unit work. So I just, I'm so glad that we're talking about this because I just think that it's so, so, so easy to get caught up in the
Speaker: the world at large talking about money, money, money, success, success. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with money and success. But if you by chance are not directly earning that money, it can make you feel like you are not valuable. And you most certainly are for sure. Yes, we definitely encourage you to empower yourself where money is concerned and where value is concerned.
Speaker: Yes, for sure. I love that. So I will link all those episodes that we referenced in the show notes, as well as those two articles that we looked at. And we really hope that this episode helps empower you and your spouse to get on the same page with money and have really healthy relationships surrounding this complicated topic. Thanks so much for tuning in. Did you know you can help the podcast in several ways? First up, we're on Patreon and there are three different levels to support us there.
Speaker: Just head to patreon .com slash outnumbered. Next step, if you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a written review on iTunes. It helps other parents find the podcast and receive the help you're enjoying. And finally, you can follow us on Instagram at outnumbered the podcast. We're always having fun over there too. As usual, if you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at outnumbered the podcast at gmail .com. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
