Transcript
Speaker: Welcoming a new baby into the family is one of the most awe -inspiring and amazing experiences you will ever have. But who to have at your birth? That's a big question. Today we're diving in. I'm going to discuss providers, spouses, support people, doulas, you name it. So let's dive in.
Speaker: Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
Speaker: Hello, friends. Welcome back to podcast. We are talking about one of our favorite topics in the entire world today, and that's birth and having babies. Clearly, we love it. I don't think we keep doing it. Yeah, yeah. With 19 kids between us, 18 birds, you know, we'd like to ... We don't actually hate this thing. Yeah, you have to like it. Yeah, you have to like it.
Speaker: So, today we're talking specifically about how to invite the right people or person to your birth. This is a very tricky topic, especially if you've never given birth before. You might not know exactly what's entailed, and it's kind of a hard thing to wrap your head around if you've never been through it.
Speaker: So before we get started, we want to ask you guys for a favor. If you enjoy this episode or if you enjoy any episode, would you please share it with somebody? We ask for reviews a lot and maybe there's some reason that you can't leave a review, but you definitely can share it with somebody, whether that's just talking to somebody
Speaker: Or if it's taking a screenshot and texting it to your sister, your friend, somebody, you know, who's about to give birth. So the whole reason that Bonnie and I as really extremely busy moms started this podcast is because we have so much that we want to share with other moms. And you can help us do that by telling other people about the podcast. We really, really want to grow this podcast so that we can reach out and help other moms. Like hopefully we've helped you.
Speaker: Yeah, that's like the ultimate form of flattery, right, for us is to hear that you have shared an episode that's meant something to you. So thank you guys so much for doing that. Okay, so to dive into our topic, like I mentioned, having a baby is like a little bit life altering.
Speaker: It's not a small thing, right? It is one of the most life -changing moments you will literally ever go through. And so we have talked before about birth and our perspective is to help you make your birth as intentional as possible. That means to do some research, to learn about it, to know what to expect and to prepare your mind, body, spirit, all the things to bring this beautiful baby to earth, right? It's a wonderful time.
Speaker: Yeah, that is absolutely true. Both Bonnie and I were so intentional about our births and we feel like we had such positive experiences that it's just like something, like if we dropped every other topic in this podcast and just talked about birth, that's how passionate we are about it. The right, the people who are there with you, helping you go through this amazing experience can really make or break
Speaker: the birth. Like, well, it's like they're going to help set the tone because you're going to be a little bit busy to be making sure the atmosphere is right. So that's like what other people are going to be helping just by who they are. It's not like you have to have somebody there who's going to be like, okay, you're going to make sure the atmosphere is right, but who they are is going to have an effect on you and on your birth. And we're going to tell some stories later in it that just kind of shows how people
Speaker: can affect who's there can affect the way your birth goes but like only the place where you're giving birth is even close to as important as who is there so this is one we really wanted to focus on for this episode like who do you have at your birth and why
Speaker: I love that you mentioned that, you know, we all have kind of our own energy and aura, right? And you might have a friend that you love to death, but you think that she might not be the perfect person to have at a birth because she is loud and brash and fun and, you know, the center of the party, but maybe not the best atmosphere to, you know, maybe not the best energy to invite to a nice, calm, peaceful birth. You probably know already who you would love to have and who maybe you might not invite there, right?
Speaker: So the first thing I want to talk about is the provider, so the medical provider, right? We are huge fans of the midwifery model. So you're having a midwife at your birth because research and studies have shown over and over again that midwives are the best facilitators of low risk birth. Now, why is this? It doesn't make a lot of sense on initial introspection, right? Like if you have more training as an OB, wouldn't that make you more qualified?
Speaker: to be at a birth, but when it comes to low -risk births, it's actually not the case. And the United States actually has kind of an abysmal record of maternal mortality rates and some other scary statistics because we use more obese than a lot of other European countries. So we won't get into all that, but if you want to do some interesting research, go take a look at it, and midwives are the way to go unless you are extremely high risk.
Speaker: That is so true. When we started looking, I think it's kind of a paradigm thing too, because when we before had our first and started looking into having a midwife, the paradigm is that if you have a midwife, that's unsafe. But then when you start being intentional and you start thinking about things and you start researching it and looking at the numbers, it's really, really flipped on its head that a midwife is such a safe place to go.
Speaker: If you have to, for some reason, go to an OB like you're high risk or something like Bonnie mentioned, you want to find one who's familiar with midwives, or maybe he has midwives who he's the backup doctor for, or he has some midwives that work for him, or maybe with a reputation of being a more natural or a more open to intentional or birth practices that you are maybe wanting.
Speaker: Um, that's like, if you have to see an OB, see, we just had a recent episode about agency and we just really, really advocate for this, especially at birth. Um, both Bonnie and I chose agency for when we're having, when we're pregnant and having burs and just putting yourselves in the hand of a medical professional and giving up your agency when it comes to your body and your baby is just really not something that.
Speaker: Well, if you're trying to be intentional and you want the birth to go a certain way, how can you determine that other than taking the agency with your provider? Like not just accepting whatever they say, but being so intentional about it yourself.
Speaker: Right, I agree. And just to clarify, we don't think that having an OB at a birth is necessarily a bad thing. But in general, OBs are taught to manage the birth, to take the situation and take control of it. Midwives are taught to do more of a hands -off approach and to let nature take its course. Now, OBs have to be a hands -on approach, because when they have a high -risk birth, they need to get in there and save the baby's life very often, right? But when it comes to low -risk birth, things get a little bit complicated. Sometimes they take charge where
Speaker: that's not necessary and it can cause some complications. The other reason that midwives are so great in low -risk births is that they are very limited in their scope of practice. If a baby and a mom get in trouble, they cannot rush them to surgery and perform a C -section and get the baby out. So they do everything in their power to prevent that outcome. But if necessary, they can always transfer care to an OB if things get into that situation. But very often, they're able to manage things because they know what to look for, they know the warning signs to watch out for,
Speaker: They're amazing and they're incredibly trained. This is not just like some random witch doctor that comes over and hopes your baby comes out okay. They're incredibly trained and very often have seen way more natural births than the typical OB. Yes. I also want to make a note here about the importance of having women at your birth. So your midwife is going to be a woman. Your OB maybe or maybe not. But just the power of having a woman
Speaker: who, especially a woman who has given birth at your birth is just huge. It's so impactful to just have like midwife means with woman. And it also like, it's just this, yeah, I don't, it's different. There's just a different energy, a different feeling, a different thought when a man is at a birth as opposed to a woman.
Speaker: putting that out there that it was, I know I talked about this in another one of our birth episodes, but there's just something really amazing about having women at your birth as opposed to men.
Speaker: So that leads us really well into number two, because despite of what I just said, our second thing we want to talk about is your husband. You will want to have probably at least one man there. You'll probably want to be there. Yes, and or a support person. So for most of us, we know who most of our audience is. The majority of our audience, this is going to be your husband.
Speaker: And our spouse is the person who we trust, we rely on emotionally is there. It will be our choice for an emotional support person. And we want our husband there. Like there is something after, okay, so on your first birth, you won't know this, but on your subsequent births, the magic of seeing your husband there at the birth
Speaker: is just something you will never, never want to deprive him of again. So definitely dad, husband be in there is just really, really an amazing thing.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah. I will say conversely, if you happen to be single or estranged from your husband or just not in a good place, you might want to seriously consider having someone else. And the reason I say that is because the motto for this episode is only 100 % safe people at your birth, which is why we started with the provider. You want to be really comfortable with that provider. If there is anything going on in your relationship that makes you feel
Speaker: emotionally frustrated or even attacked or judged or like you're somehow emotionally on guard that is not a good place for you to be in for a birth especially if you're going the natural route and letting your body do its thing you want to be 100 % open so that's that's just a little caveat there if you happen to be in that scenario it is totally basically what I'm saying is I'm giving you permission
Speaker: to choose to ask him to not be present for the birth if you think that's going to adversely affect your ability to give birth.
Speaker: If you do need another support person, in addition to your husband or instead of the partner, it could be a close friend, a sister, a mother, really any relative, but they need to have a few things. Like we mentioned, they need to have a very calming, loving atmosphere. They need to be very empathetic and judgment -free. You don't want someone there that's like, oh, come on, you're gonna ask for an epidural. I had six babies back in the 70s and I didn't get an epidural. You don't want any of that, right? No negativity.
Speaker: No judgment. You want to let them know your birth choice is ahead of time and whether or not it ends up going that way, hopefully they will be supportive enough to help you advocate for them. Yes, that is so true. I'm glad that you threw that in there. Let's go back to talking about, I'm just going to refer to it as husband because I think for most of us, that's who it's going to be. For your husband,
Speaker: your support person, your emotional support person, they need to be in a good emotional space too. Or in a good physical space or in a good, like this needs to be for them to be able to support you emotionally. Like maybe have a chat beforehand, like let them know exactly what you're gonna be wanting or needing from them. I remember when we went to a birth class and so we talked about this in our episode about having less pain, a less painful birth. So we went to a birth,
Speaker: class, beforehand, before, or first. And they mentioned that one of the things that a lot of women love is having their hair brushed because it releases those good endorphins when they're in labor. So, you know, for me personally, I was like, um, actually, if you touch my hair, I'm probably going to slap you. So don't touch my hair.
Speaker: what I'm in labor. But you need to like communicate that to your support person ahead of time. Like, oh, just if you could just massage me or if, you know, brush my hair, don't brush my hair, or make sure I have cold water on hand or, you know, whatever these things that
Speaker: So your husband, because here's, here's one story I was going to tell you. Um, there was this story that I read in a book written by midwife and it was about, um, a labor of a first time mom that turned out really, really, really long, much longer that they could, then they could figure out what was going on. And finally the mom did have the baby, but they couldn't figure out like talking about it afterwards. The midwives that were there, they could not figure out why it took this woman so long.
Speaker: To have the baby just speaking for you know from a medical standpoint in their experience. Well they went back Later for a visit and
Speaker: I just have to give a little detail here because it's important. So the mom had been, the dad had been sitting behind the mom and holding her and massaging her shoulders and helping her relax for most of the birth. Well, so they were talking about it and they said at this follow -up visit, they said, wow, that was a really long birth.
Speaker: We're just trying to figure out, you know, we haven't seen that before and we're trying to, you know, problem the shelf for the next one that dad said, yeah, for about the last eight hours, I had to go to the bathroom so bad, but I couldn't leave.
Speaker: And the lights went on for the midwives and they're like, oh, so dad had tension and he had this, you know, this, he was trying not to let go and he was holding and that was affecting the mom. Even, you know, nothing was said, but it was this affecting her. So just this cute, kind of cute little story to tell that the space that your husband, that your emotional support person is in, if you're depending on them emotionally is going to be affecting you too.
Speaker: Yes, I'm so glad you shared that. It is really kind of a bizarre thing when you start looking into birth and just how the woman's body reacts to certain stimulus.
Speaker: that the body will actually hold on to that baby longer than it should. If things feel unsafe, the baby might come a little bit early. If things feel like it's better now than later. I mean, it's crazy. I could tell you a few stories too. One in particular, I'm thinking of when my baby came at a not convenient time because I looking back realized that I was not really comfortable with that provider. And my baby came before the provider made it. And I thought, yep, my body knew what to do. I really want you here.
Speaker: And then there's rabbits who, did you know that a mother rabbit giving birth, if she, if a predator comes up on her, can actually stop her birth so that she can run away and then have them later somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're designed to survive. Yeah. So all this to say that even the smallest emotional baggage can affect you during your birth. So make sure there is none of that, right?
Speaker: Okay, so number three, we're gonna move on to children, your other children. I mean, I guess you could invite other people's kids to your birth, but I probably wouldn't recommend that. But if you already have children, inviting them to a future birth can be a really beautiful experience. I personally only have experience of having my children, some of my children at one of my births, but it was really, really neat and I'm really glad we did it.
Speaker: Yeah, well, this is where I could like do episodes upon episodes about this. Because my personal experience is that we have had each of our children at their subsequent
Speaker: siblings, siblings' births. And this has been one of the most special things in our family's experience. I went to it in detail in our episode on sibling rivalry, how exactly we do it. But one thing I want to talk about here is each kid that's under the age of a teenager has a support person with them. So
Speaker: This is good because this support person can see to any of these child's needs so that there's not any, hey mommy, I need this going on. But also their focus is on that child and that child has somebody supporting them because they're going to need it. If they see mommy in pain or if they see if mommy's making a funny noise or
Speaker: You know, all that, whatever. So each child under a certain age has a support person. And when our family got bigger, the older siblings could support the younger siblings. But before I had kids that were old enough to support their younger siblings, I did have family friends. My sister, I had somebody there.
Speaker: to for each kid that was under a certain age to help out. And it was just such a magical experience for our kids and for our family that I definitely am a huge, huge proponent about that. I wanted to mention two of two child groups at this. You know, you mentioned kind of tongue in cheek about having other kids, other people's kids at your birth, which kind of seems like a weird thought.
Speaker: Birth used to be a community event for women. And there used to be not only your mother and your grandmother and your aunt and other women who had given birth there, but teenage girls there watching and young girls and learning.
Speaker: and that way when they got to I think for a lot of us the first time we gave birth was the first time we'd ever seen birth and that was part of the part of the hard part for us was we didn't know what to expect but I tell you what for my daughters having my daughters at my birth
Speaker: is one of the most empowering things that my daughters tell me that they've ever, ever done, ever seen. Because now they'll never give birth not knowing what a birth is like. And so I've even, even my daughters will tell me stories of them trying to talk their coworkers into natural birth or giving birth or having other women at their birth. They're just some aspect of birth because it was such a powerful experience for them.
Speaker: And then I want to address having your sons and like your teenage sons at your birth. And I know I've talked about this in other episodes as well, but I think this is a gift that I have given my sons is that letting them be there at their siblings' birth. And I did mention in a past episode that I said to my son in his upper teens and my son in their lower teens,
Speaker: about being at my last birth, I was like, guys, you know, you're very welcome. If you want to be there, that's fine. If you don't want to be there, you know, I get that too. And and their response was, Mom, please, you can't keep us away. And and they like, I don't know. I know I'm getting into bragging territory here. But my son's my son in college, he tells his
Speaker: his fellow students, like the girls that he hangs out with. He was telling me recently that one of them came to him and was asking him questions about birth, and he was answering their questions about birth, but he was also so pleased that they were coming to him to ask him questions about birth.
Speaker: Just because he'd been there and he'd done that. That's not a lot of 20 -somethings have, right? So great. Yeah, that's true. And so my sons will be able to be a support to their wives at birth because they've seen it before and because it's not a new thing to them as well. So I don't know. I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now. But this is something I could go on and on about. I mean, let's be honest. I mean, your kids at the birth.
Speaker: your oldest son probably has more experience with birth than most medical students entering their OB rotation, right? It's true. It's pretty cool. It's pretty cool. Yeah, I honestly wish that I could have wrapped my head around it on earlier births, but it was something that I was really nervous about wanting to mother during my birth, like wanting to be concerned about these other kids. And so
Speaker: Actually, in a lot of our home births, it was right in the middle of the night, and so I just chose not to wake my kids up, just let them keep sleeping, so it was nice and peaceful. But on the, let's see, two births ago, so my ninth baby, finally decided to invite a couple of kids to come to the birth center with us, and it was really, really neat. A couple of things that helped me as a newbie to having my kids there was I had headphones in almost the whole time I was listening to my affirmations and breathing
Speaker: and everything. And it was nice because I couldn't hear their chit chat. I had a couple of chatty kids there, and I could see them back and forth and back and forth and back. And I think I might've been like, shut up, if I could hear what they were saying, so that I could focus. And like you said, make sure there's someone that is there to take care of the little kids.
Speaker: please do not have it just be you, your husband, the midwife, and your three -year -old. That will not end well because your husband will go take care of the three -year -old and you'll be left with nobody to support you. So make sure that, yeah, those kids are taken care of by somebody else.
Speaker: To be fair, I have seen and heard of births like that and it just is kind of like a kind of like a party atmosphere. Yeah. I have seen videos like that too and honestly I'm really impressed with people who are able to still focus through birth and have like other stuff going on. I was the kind of person that thought I would want music and like candles and all these beautiful things at my home births and in the end I was like
Speaker: turn that off pull that out no one say a word like even one time my mom was there and i think she like whispered something the midwife i'm like be quiet
Speaker: No distractions. And everybody births differently, you might not know. So just kind of set yourself up for whatever you could possibly need. That's a possibility, right? So that you can kick the kids up if necessary. But I think that's so beautiful. I really think that one of the problems with our maternal health care system today is that we have come so far from that community.
Speaker: birth, right? That women and men go into birth having zero clue what to expect, terrified out of their minds, horrified that they won't get the epidural on time and they will just be clawing their way up the walls. Like it's a very resistant mindset now when birth can just be so wonderful and so amazing if we let it be. So there's our little soapbox on that one.
Speaker: probably to be continued in another episode. We're probably not done talking about this. Yeah, you haven't heard the last from us on birth. Okay, let's talk about doulas. This is the fourth category of people that you can have at your birth. So having a professional doula can be really, really helpful because their focus is on you or whatever you want them to focus on. That is their job. They are, it's somebody you pay to come and
Speaker: be an extra person, but your person there. This is especially like in a hospital situation. So their job is to make you comfortable, to advocate for you, to be your cheerleader, whatever you need. I've even heard of doulas where the mom says, I don't want you here at my birth. I just want you to go to my house and walk my dog and make me food for when I get home or something like that. The doula is like, sure, fine, whatever you need.
Speaker: That's smart. That's smart. Yeah. So like you said, the hospital, when it comes to home births, I would say that doulas are largely unnecessary in that sort of setting because everyone is working to have this very intentional birth play out for the mom. They're all kind of there to serve the mom's desires. But when you get to
Speaker: sometimes a birth center, but definitely hospitals. You're kind of put into this machine, like a little cog that just kind of goes through. And whether you want this thing to happen or this thing to happen, it's probably just going to happen. And so having a doula there is really powerful because she becomes an advocate. Another word for an attorney is also an advocate for you. So she's kind of like
Speaker: standing up for you and saying oh remember she said she didn't want this happening or especially when you are working through pain or struggling through a contraction or something she is there to say hey remember this is the direction we were going or to sit there and look you in the face and say you can do this you can do this i promise you can do this right
Speaker: I have only hired a doula one time. It was when I was going to have twins and I felt like I needed to be in the hospital for the twins and I knew that I wanted somebody. There was going to be so much going on and so many providers. If you give birth to twins, there's like 15 people in the room.
Speaker: Anyway, so she came and it was a wonderful experience. She helped me through the hard parts and she held my hand and she clipped my bangs out of my face and she fed me ice chips and all the things that I needed to focus on getting through and not worrying about everything that was going on around me.
Speaker: Yeah, that is awesome. So I have experience. Well, I say it's experience as a doula, but really I think like I wasn't paid and I was just kind of her friend, but I was in the advocate role. So I don't know if I was support person or doula, but I'm just going to talk about it in this section.
Speaker: So, my friend had an experience where she needed a support person slash doula at her birth, and I got to do that for her. She also was a VBAC, and she was wanting this for herself. And then, after she gave birth, she wanted me to go with the baby and make sure that
Speaker: the things were done and not done to the baby that she had set out beforehand. So she wanted to be able to relax and stuff after that. But she knew there would be a point where they would take the baby and go do whatever to it. And she wanted to be with the baby at that point. So I just did that. That's what she wanted. But I did exactly that.
Speaker: kept her, she wanted cold on her. I kept cold on her. It was actually, it was actually my hands that were so cold. And she was just like, I feel so good. She's like, keep touching my face, keep touching my face. And then there was one point where
Speaker: This is maybe TMI, but there was one point where her doctor was saying to her, no, you're not pushing right. You're not doing it right. And I just whispered in her, I smoothed her hair back out of her head and I said, you're doing amazing. You're doing exactly what your body's telling you to. And just a couple more pushes and your baby's going to be here.
Speaker: The next push her baby came out. So I'm not going to say like, I have this magical power, but I did advocate for her and tell her you are doing awesome. You're doing what your body tells you to do. And like, that was my job. Like I didn't know what she was doing. Cause like, I wasn't down at the doctor's and I couldn't see, but I was up by her head and just smoothing her hair and saying, you're doing amazing. Your body's doing amazing. And, and like, why not say something that like that to a mother that's in birth? Like it can only help, right?
Speaker: So that's my little experience as a doula. Yeah, in that experience, it seems like you were hearing some negativity that you knew could affect her in one way or another. And that's, yeah, that's really powerful just being a support person. Honestly, I wish I had a doula in my life all the time. You just keep making those peanut butter sandwiches. The kids are the worst. They'll eat it. They'll eat it or else. It's kind of like your little shoulder angel. You're doing a great job, right?
Speaker: I need a shoulder doula myself, yes. Yeah, shoulder doula, trademark. Okay, so on to number five, we're going to talk about mothers, mothers -in -law, other close family members who might expect to be there. And maybe a lot of your friends have had these people at their birth, but you may or may not want them there. So this is kind of a tricky situation because everyone expects the husband to be there, right? Everyone expects the doctor or midwife to be there. But when it comes time for grandma,
Speaker: That might be the number one person you want there to help as a support person. It might be someone that you're not so sure about having. So we're going to talk about that for a second. If you have a really great, wonderful, loving relationship with your mom, invite her. That's fantastic. The more women that can be there to support you and hold you up.
Speaker: better, right? And you have to remember this is a special time for them too, especially if it's a first grand baby, right? Or the first one for you. However, if you have a relationship that is anything less than ideal with, again, mom, mother -in -law tend to be the most common, but even like a sister or a best friend that you think might want to be there, you might want to ask to wait until baby is born. And that can be a hard conversation, but
Speaker: It's your decision. It's your birth. And this is one of those instances where we need to ask you to not be a people pleaser. This is the time when you make the decision that's right for you and your baby, not for anybody else.
Speaker: Yeah, because what will happen is you'll be stressed, you'll be tense, the birth won't go the way you want it to. And then probably what will happen is you'll be wheeled into another room where this person who you're not comfortable with can't go, and then you'll feel comfortable enough to give birth in there.
Speaker: That is not an uncommon thing that happens. You know, birth, it's very, you're very vulnerable. It's very emotionally charged time. Who you are is going to come out at birth. Like there's, oh, it's just such an amazing time. And if you have somebody there, um, that's not helping.
Speaker: then it's just not gonna be a good situation. So here's, we came up with a few questions that you could ask about a relationship you have with somebody who wants to witness the birth. And you ask this before, you know, they asked to be at the birth and you say, okay, I'll get back with you in my answer. So here's some questions you can ask yourself about someone asking to be at the birth. Do I feel totally safe with this person? Do I reach out to her, them, in times of need? Do I feel like this person can maintain their own emotions?
Speaker: if things go awry, or if I lose control of my emotions, what's gonna happen to them? Will having her there, them there, make me feel, make things more peaceful and comforting? And then another one, like think into the future, what will her story about the birth, her birth story be afterwards? And that she's gonna be putting out in the world. And will that be positive, helpful, comforting?
Speaker: toward you or the same as yours or more different, like all these things that are good questions to ask about somebody who's wanting to be at your birth.
Speaker: Oh, I love that you showed the birth story perspective because, like you said, it's a very vulnerable time. Is this person going to share things that you might not want shared or share it in a light that might be not as flattering as you might like? I personally really hate how everyone has to talk about the worst possible part of their birth stories.
Speaker: Tell me if I'm wrong. When you're pregnant, you walk into an elevator with any lady on the planet and she'll tell you, oh, you're pregnant. On my third birth, my kid almost killed me. Not helpful, people. Not helpful, right? We want to put all the positive vibes out there to the pregnant women. And that is my goal for the rest of my life is every time I see a pregnant woman to say, oh, I hope your birth is just like my ex -birth. It was beautiful and perfect in every way you're going to do amazing.
Speaker: period. Yes. Yes. Don't share your horror stories, right? I love that. So now, if this is your first birth, it could be a really great time to establish some boundaries with this person, especially if it's someone from your in -laws family, because that's, it's someone you really only just met a few years ago, right? And them asking to be at your birth can be a little bit awkward if you don't have a close relationship yet. But consider saying something very simple, like, I'm so excited for you to meet your grandbaby, mom or mother -in -law or whoever.
Speaker: We have decided to just have me and my husband at the birth or the doula or whoever you've invited, but we will call you the second baby is born and you can rush down and meet him or her. We're so excited for you to have a grand baby, right? Something very non -confrontational but that leaves no room for argument. And if worse comes to worse and you have a pushy family member that won't let you, just don't tell them when you're in labor.
Speaker: Oh, the last thing is you can also consider filming it, right? Some people are very comfortable with the idea of being filmed during birth. Some people only want photos. But either way, if you document it, that could be something that grandma or a close family member could watch later and feel like they were there. Yeah, that's a good idea too. And it also gives you time to watch it, think about it, if you want to share that or not. Yeah, you could even edit some parts where you start cussing or something, I don't know, whatever.
Speaker: So I had my sister at my first three, two births. And then she came after my fourth birth. She was out of the country for my third. So she was like, my husband was my emotional support person, and she was some of my kid's support person. But having her there, my younger sister, it was just really, really special. We had a close relationship.
Speaker: But it made our relationship better and closer because she was there for me at a time when I was just, you know, completely vulnerable. And it was this magical time. And also, I guess that was kind of the the. The foreshadowing for having my own kids at at the birth, you know, like this, like this gift I was giving my younger sister this. And so this is this is a birth and this is how we birth.
Speaker: Yeah. So it can also, birth can also strengthen relationships too. I know I'm just going back to my husband being my support person. Like there was never any question in our relationship if my husband was going to be there or not. But going through birth with him, especially some of, especially the first birth and the second birth,
Speaker: It was like I couldn't have done it without him, just looking back at that. It really cemented and strengthened our relationship. There was this huge storm around me and he was like this rock, the only thing that I was hanging onto. Then the relationship with my sister, it just really got this sweet, amazing relationship that we have for life because we have this experience together that she was there when I gave birth.
Speaker: helping me and helping my kids and and so I don't know I just I just have had such positive birth experiences with the people that are there and I just couldn't love it more like um you know I even when I got more familiar with giving birth toward the end I even thought about inviting some people that I wasn't necessarily super comfortable with or because it felt like it was uh it was something that
Speaker: I needed to be able to share with other people. Like, for example, some in -laws or something. That was just something that they could, such a positive experience that it could have an impact on them as well. I mentioned this. I never did get up the courage to invite some of these people that I was thinking about.
Speaker: because of my prior experiences with birth being such a positive thing and the people there being such a positive thing. I just, like what I'm trying to do here is just change the paradigm around birth and who you have there. If I could give the whole world a gift, it would be the opportunity to see someone they love go through a really positive birth experience because it's life -changing. It really is. And I have to say this, when we say goodbye to people in this life, you know, at Death's Door, we make it,
Speaker: as special as humanly possible, right? We turn the lights down low and we maybe cuddle up with them and we tell them our favorite memories of life with them and we hug and kiss and we say goodbye and it's this beautiful, beautiful moment of this culmination of life, right?
Speaker: I feel like birth should be the exact same thing, only way more fun and exciting because you get to start a life with this person. You get to welcome this tiny little human into your life and say, surprise, this is your family, right? And yet we've kind of made it
Speaker: kind of cold and sterile and people are barking orders, especially in a hospital, you know. And I just think it's a real disservice that we do for our new babies and for ourselves as human beings to distance us from the emotional factor of birth. It should be this beautiful, amazing, awe -inspiring experience of welcoming a human into the world. And anything we can do to make it more like that is my hope for all of us.
Speaker: Yeah. I think in the past, that's what birth was. And maybe with more women like you and I out there advocating for the natural part to return back to birth, even like the emotionally natural part to return back to birth. That hopefully again, in the future, like our daughters and our children, our daughters -in -law can also have very positive birth experiences too. We hope these tips were helpful for you guys. And please let us know if you use any of these ideas in your own future birth or if you pass it on to someone who's expecting.
Speaker: We'll talk to you next week.
